talking2-mys3lf
Talking2-Mys3lf
33 year old mom of 3. Nuttier than a 5 pound fruitcake. Surviving off laughter and anti-psychotics.
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How many more depressed days can I take?
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I brought my beer into the shower with me tonight... Do I even need to explain?
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Having an anxiety attack at work because I’m so insecure it’s making my body malfunction. New coworkers not accustomed to my crazy + being raised by a narcissist + no external validation = insecure body FREAK OUT.
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I feel distressed that I am not what they need me to be. I am broken. I am at half mast. As we celebrate mothers my tomorrow I can’t help but ask myself if my half mast self is enough. I know there are those who feel this too but we are still held in the dark. Still hoping for the validation we deserve. Parenting while mentally ill is still far too much for so many.be who you are. It is enough. I’ll try too.
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“Listen here, missy. Tomorrow is Friday, that means 18 more hours of tomfoolery and then you can binge New Girl until you’re convinced you are playing True American right.” - The pep talk I’m giving myself before bedtime meditation.
“Only problem, I need cool roommates to replace my current ones. None of them will get a job and they all bitch when you ask them to a chore. That, and them being underage makes for terrible drinking buddies.” -My brain refusing to meditate
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Waking up tomorrow a realist
I feel unpredictable lately and it's scary. I feel like I can't trust myself in my own hands. I felt suicidal two nights ago and today ended much better than I would have thought possible given my last week. It's like going to bed every night and not being sure who you will wake up as. I hope tomorrow I wake up and I am a less depressed Tristen. I hope I wake up in the body of an optimist. No, wait. I went too far. A Realist...... (that feels better). I am willing myself to wake up tomorrow and be a realist who is only slightly depressed, and I'm also willing myself to have great hair tomorrow. Because great hair days are the best.
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At one week post-partum I was suicidal. My meds needed to be adjusted 4 times with constant trips to my psychiatrist. Couldn’t breastfeed due to the meds. Fought the batter for the first 3 months as I learned to love myself through bouts of wanting nothing to do with motherhood. Guess what? those meds, appointments, and transparency were the best gift I could have given her (and still give to her).
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Mrs. Crazy needs rest
When the suicidal urges pass but you’re so emotionally hung over that you take half of the next day off work. Did I mention I’m a SPED teacher? That’s right folks, crazy people are teaching your children (how to care for themselves when they are dis-regulated ;) )
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Expert Level: Pro
When you’re expert level: pro at stopping yourself from killing yourself. These built in strategies I have really deserve an applause.
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I am a 33 year old mom, step mother to 2, biological mother to 1, and devoted parent to 3. I am diagnosed bipolar with a side of generalized anxiety disorder and being re-evaluated for ADHD and a slew of other conditions because even after 16 years, there’s still not a good-enough explanation for what kind of crazy I am. Avid therapy attendee and medication taker. Fear of heights, planes, water, spiders, tsunamis, earthquakes and all other things potentially trying to kill me. Rum drinker, weed smoker. Social justice enthusiast. Person starting her own blog even though she has no writing experience, shouting into the chasm, talking to myself.
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