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#~I got a new disease in me I got a friend thats losing sleep I take it hard its hard to take I'm wide awake (Aizen's Betrayal)~
hyotenhyakkaso · 3 years
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Toshiro Tags~
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jasperlion · 4 years
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[ i figure i’ll do it now because i’ve been thinking to, tagdump ]
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aleksa-sims · 2 years
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My RL gameplay (18+)
CW addiction, pills, insomnia, pain
The next morning Sandra came to me. S. had a new apartment for a while and I promised her, I’d help her with her new home. She saw what I did at Philip’s place, thats why she wanted my help. Of course, I’ll help her, she is my best friend. I wanted S. and her baby to feel comfortable in their new home.💙👶
Philip and I did not sleep all night again. These injections at the doctor showed no effect. He had 2 headache attacks and just as Sandra arrived at 8 in the morning (🤨), his second headache attack began. S. was totally shocked when she saw P. I mean, because of his pain and....ugh, Idk? P. begged me for a pill. 😢 Sandra got really mad at me, when I didn’t want to give Philip a pill. She just couldn’t understand why I let him suffer so much, when I could put an end to his pain. So I ended up giving him one. I felt like crap when I gave P. one of my last three pills. 😔 🤦‍♀️
Sandra: What’s wrong with P.? 😟 ..... A.! What’s up? Why are you both so fucked up 🤷‍♂️ and why isn’t he reacting to me? 😧
Me: He’s got that fucking headache again, and we haven’t slept all night! I don’t know what to do anymore? 😩 We went to a doc yesterday, but it looks like, this doesn’t help?.... This doc said, it will still take a little while, until it gets better, but P.....just can’t anymore! He wants my pills! ! He’s totally exhausted and slowly he’s losing his mind I think? 😟 😨
Sandra: And your pills help him?
Me: Yeah. But I don’t want him to be like me! You know? 😔
Sandra: So it’s okay if you take drugs to have fun, but if Philip is in pain and suffering, it’s forbidden? 😠 Besides, Philip’s not like you! You got the pills illegally at the time, in addition to what you got from your doc! If you had followed your doctor’s instructions, it would never have come this far with you! And I think you should get a second opinion from another doc!...P. can’t go on like this! He’s going crazy! I mean, he’s been so sick for days! I noticed something’s wrong with him, but I’ve never seen him like this, now! 😧 😟
Me: You’re right! We should go to another doctor too, but he only has to last a few more days, after that it gets better. I mean, It’s just a harmless tension headache! Luckily not a serious disease!  🤷‍♀️ But I know how painful this is and the lack of sleep only makes things worse for him. 🤦‍♀️ 😔
Sandra: If it’s only a few more days, give him a fucking pill! So that he can get some sleep..... Fuck A.! He’s about to faint! 😧
Me: No, he always sits down like this, when his pain is at its peak. This damn pain always increases after a few minutes, but it also goes down again.....UGHH, shit! 😩 I’ll give him a pill. He needs to sleep or he won’t hold out on the next pain attack.......Here, P.! Ily! 😢
Philip: Finally! 😠 🤕
Sandra: I can’t see him like this! You have to take him to another doctor or please take him to a hospital.
Me: Yeah, maybe he really has to go to a hospital? Just like I did back then, but we have another appointment with this doctor later. He gets injections again and maybe it’ll start to work slowly? Let’s see. 🙁
Sandra: And why do you leave Philip here on the couch alone when he is in pain? You should try to......just be there for him, A.! 😟
Me: What are you talking about? I’m with him all the time! I’m not sleeping either! 😦 🤷‍♀️
Sandra: I mean, you’re not even sitting next to him. You sat down on the floor there and left him here alone.  
Me: I know what this fucking pain feels like! I had this too, as you know! At this moment you don’t want to be hugged or touched, it all hurts like hell, you know? Especially if it’s been going on for weeks! You’re just frustrated and angry! And believe me, if I could help him somehow, I would do it right away! That’s why I gave him my fucking pills! And now? Look what happend to him! 🤦‍♀️ 😩 Just wait you’ll see!
Sandra: He really doesn’t deserve this! I hope THIS now, has finally opened your eyes to stop with your fucking durgs! 😟
Philip: Hey, S.! 😵 ...You’re making too much drama again! But you’re right, I’m not going to get addicted! Now, please shut up and let me sleep.
Me (to S.): You see? 🤨
Sandra: Shit P.! 😲 You look like hell! I am so sorry! 
Philip: Yeah, live sucks! Why are you even here at this early hour? 🤨 Did something happen?
Sandra: No! But A. and I wanted to do something in my apartment, she wanted to help me, like she set up everything for you. I wanted to wake her up.
Philip: But you know it’s Saturday, damn it! We usually sleep at this hour!
Sandra: I didn’t know you were so fucked up! I thought you were coming with us? But..it’s ok, P.!
Philip: A & I, we’re going to bed now for a few hours. We’ll come later. 😵 
Sandra: You better get some rest P.! A. can also come to me alone with Ana.
Philip: NO! 🤨 She goes nowhere without me! She’ll get drugs from that motherfucker again! 😠
Sandra: What?
Me: Ugh, just let him! He's.....delirious. As you can see S, he’s not quite himself . He thinks, I’ve met D.! 🤨 As if I had time for this! 🤷‍♀️ 😒
Sandra: Did you two have a fight?
Me: No! Just.... sometimes when he’s so high, he acts like an asshole. 🤨But I’m not mad at him! I’m just worried. 😔
Philip: Ok, S.! Would you pls, be so nice and leave A. & me alone? Come back in a few hours! Just like any other normal person and not at 8 in the morning, hell! 🤦‍♂️
Me: I’ll help you later, S.! 😔 I promise! First I have to take care of P.. 😟.... He needs sleep!
Sandra: Sure. 😟 I’ll be back in a few hours. And if you need something, just call me, A.! 
My mom didn’t really talk to Philip and me last night after we got back. We got home pretty late. We were at his place to pick up some stuff, and my mom called his mom. As if P.’s mom could change anything? As long as he’s in pain, nothing will change.
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Cheryl//this is me trying
Request: Can I request a season 1 cheryl x reader. Cheryl always protects reader from people and r is shy but falls in love with the redhead and some who’s accidentally tells her while she’s having a bad day but cheryl is quick to reassure her then they cuddle after going to pops or something and it’s just fluffy.
hey! happy valentines day gays! and get you, two imagines in one day, it must be the day of love. i hope you all like this because it’s really fluffy and i enjoyed writing this a lot!
Overnight, Riverdale became a shell of its former self. Two months since Kevin Keller and Moose Mason stumbled upon the body of Jason Blossom, and nobody has been the same since. 
The town is riddled with secrets, they’re slowly destroying it like a disease. Nobody trusts anybody anymore, everyone is on high alert, and everyone is a suspect. 
Cheryl usually loves being the centre of attention, she has done ever she was a kid. It’s something that comes naturally with being a twin, you share everything and as much as she loves loved the shared birthdays and friends, she has always loved being the centre of attention.
Now however, she hates it. Her life is a true crime documentary at the minute, and all she wants is for the killer to be caught so the crew can pack up and leave and she no longer has to stare down at the blinding lights being cast over her and her family. 
The only thing that’s kept her sane over the past two months, is you. Despite everything happening, despite the murder and the secrets and the suspicion, you’ve stuck by her side. You were with her when they found the body, and you haven’t really left since. 
The two of you are unlikely friends, she’s Cheryl. Bright and bold and never one to back down from confrontation. But you’re Y/n, sweet and shy and always the first to shrink away from any sort of attention directed at you. 
She knows you hate the constant attention recently, it’s something you get used when you’re best friends with the victim’s sister, but not once have you complained. 
You’ve being questioned by police, journalists and strangers on the internet. You’ve had camera’s shoved in your face on your walk back from school and been asked countless questions about what you know about the Blossom’s. And you’ve also been offered ridiculous amounts of money in order to talk. But no matter what happens, you always just rush past them and join Cheryl, who’s always waiting for you with a sad smile and warm hand. 
Due to the constant hoard of vultures swarming Riverdale High, the two of you had to figure out somewhere else to meet after school so you could walk the long way home. It adds twenty minutes to your walk, but it’s not that well known around town, meaning people can’t bother you. 
Plus, the extra twenty minutes that you get to spend with Cheryl isn’t the worst thing. It’s the opposite in fact. It’s the thing you look forward to, even if you are looking over your shoulder every so often 
But today you’re not at your meeting spot. 
When Cheryl pushes her way through the stares of her fellow students with you and only you on her mind and makes her way through the school basement, back up the stairs and out of the fire exit, you’re not waiting for her with a smile that makes her feel warm and a cold slice of pizza you snuck out of the cafe earlier. 
The only thing waiting for her is a full bin and an empty field. 
“Y/n?” She calls out and looks around the corner. She’s met with three seniors, all of which are smoking with absolutely no care for being caught. 
“She’s not here.” One of them says, her blonde hair and large glasses cover half of her face and Cheryl forces a smile. 
“Hey, Blossom.” A boy says and Cheryl freezes. Who knows what they want, but whatever it is, it probably won’t be nice. It’ll probably be something along the lines of ‘hey, did you kill your brother’ and no matter how many times she’s asked that, it doesn’t get any easier. “Maybe try the bleachers.” He says, ending his sentence with a sympathetic smile and Cheryl nods slowly, not really sure what to say. 
“Thanks.” She forces and spins on her heel. 
“We’re sorry about your brother, Cheryl.” The blonde one says and she turns around again. Each of them look sad, with matching frowns and sorrow swimming in their eyes. 
Jason meant the world to Cheryl, but he also meant a hell of a lot to other people too. And that’s when it hits her. Of course you’re at the bleachers. 
For some bizarre reason, only known by your father. You and your family used to come along every other week to watch the Bulldogs play. For a while you thought it was because your dad was trying to get you and your brother into football and this was a lot cheaper than the actual game, but the older you got the more you figured it was because he was just trying to relive his youth. For 90 minutes he could pretend that he was quarterback again and for those 90 minutes your dad would be the happiest he’d been all week. 
Then one week, a redhead sat beside you. In clothes that were far too expensive to be worn to a high school football game. Her parents looked like they wanted to be there as much as she did, but then a boy with matching red hair ran out on to the pitch and you’d never seen a smile quite like it. 
After that, you made sure to sit beside her at every game. And then one day she sat opposite you at lunch. The first few times she was alone, but then soon she began to appear with a group of other girls, but you were the only one she’d talk to. 
Eventually lunch times and football games turned into group projects and sleepovers. You spend hours braiding her hair and listening to her tell you stories of other worlds and the creatures that live in them. You’d sneak down the dark and creepy halls of Thornhill in hopes of finding a midnight snack, and instead be met by Jason and your older brother in clown masks. 
Eventually, you found a different way to get to the kitchen, one that Jason didn’t know about. And when he’d come looking for you, both of you would jump out  and chase him around the house, much to the dismay of Penelope and Clifford. 
Those bleachers are what started a whole friendship, not only between you and her, but also you and Jason. When you’re brother eventually made the team, thanks to a good word put in my Jason, despite him being a year younger. Him and Jason became as inseparable as you and Cheryl and so it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence to see the four of you hanging out. It also meant that if Cheryl was busy, you and Jason would hang out until she finished whatever she was doing. 
Grief is a hell of a lonely thing, and sometimes Cheryl forgets that other people miss Jason too. With everything going on, she didn’t even think about how you were doing. With all the questions, accusations and crying that constantly fills Cheryl’s house. She never even asked how you were. 
And now her legs can’t carry her quick enough to were she hopes your sat. Because she’s already lost her brother, she can’t lose you too. She wobbles as her heels dig into the dirt, kicking up dust and mud as she runs across the field. Her hair swings behind her, and she can feel the red scrunchie loosen the quicker she runs. 
The bleachers have all sorts carved into them. Initials in hearts, some of them still there, some of them crossed out so aggressively that it’s a miracle they didn’t chop it in half. There’s inside jokes and ridiculous rumours. Codes and dates and everything in between. 
But something new has been added in the past few days. 
cheryl murdered jason
and y/n helped
The writing is small and barely legible, but it’s there and the more you run your fingers over it the more it carves itself into your heart. 
“Y/n?” Cheryl pants breathlessly and you quickly pull yourself away from it. Instead you stand up properly and pull the sleeves of your sweater down over your hands. The y/f/c scrunchie remains still in your hair and Cheryl has to stare at it for a few seconds to calm herself down. “You weren’t at our spot.” She says quietly and you close your eyes. 
You let her down. You let her down. You always let her down.  
“Sorry Cheryl.” You sigh and sit down in the dirt. Cheryl looks around before sitting beside you. “I just wanted some space.” You add and force yourself to look at her. 
The sun sits behind her, but even that doesn’t seem as bright as it used to be. Nothing is what it used to be. For the past two months, you’ve been told that thats a good thing. But what’s good about someone you loved being dead. What’s good about watching someone else you love go through life but not really live. 
Cheryl just exists. 
But she exists for you. 
Because as lost as she would be without you, she knows you would be just as lost without her. 
It’s an unspoken rule now, you always text each other when you wake up and before you go to sleep. It’s something you used to do anyway, but now you make a point not to forget. Because forgetting means that the worst could have happened, and that’s something neither of you can bare to deal with. 
“I get it.” She nods. “I was just worried that’s all.” She adds, trying to sound as casual as she can. But on the inside she’s screaming. Because she thought you had died, she thought whoever had killed Jason had gotten to you too, and the whole reason you’re both dead is because she wronged the wrong person. 
There’s a lot of people that don’t like Cheryl, being unliked comes naturally to her. But she doesn’t know how she’ll cope if she’s so unlikeable someone she loves died. 
She has no idea why your friends with her to be honest. She saw you staring at her at a football game once. But it wasn’t a stare she was used to. It wasn’t cold like her mothers or jealous like her friends. No, this was nice. You were staring at her like you wanted to know about her, like when you looked at her, you saw a friend not someone to be feared. 
And so Cheryl clung onto the tiny hint of friendship, the crack of a door into something that could happen, and she shoved herself through it. It worked, and now you’re the only person she’s nice to. She’s mean to everyone else, she calls them names and teases them, especially when they’re rude to you...but you stay. And she has no idea why, but she’s not going to wish it away. 
“Shit, sorry Cheryl.” You drop your head into your hands and Cheryl looks at you confused. She looks around, not really sure of what to do. “I didn’t think, God knows what you thought had happened.” You ramble and she realizes you’re crying. Her eyes widen and you look at her, your eyes red and puffed and your lips pulls into frown. 
“It’s okay.” She replies and wraps her arms around you. You bury your head into her neck, the smell of maple and cherries invade your senses and you let out a shaky breath. 
It smells like home and happier times, and you want to crawl into those happy memories and never come back out. “I was just being ridiculous.” She tries to play it off, to make it seem like she couldn’t feel her heartbeat in her throat and the ringing in her ears. Pretend like it didn’t feel like someone had pulled her heart out and stamped on it. 
“No, no you weren’t. I’m really sorry.” You sob and wrap your arms around her. She falls into your neck, surprised but not upset with how tight you’re holding her. She never wants you to let go. But of course she has to, and so however reluctant, she untangles herself from you and lets out a deep sigh. 
“I’m sorry.” You sniffle. She hands you a tissue and you wipe your eyes with it before scrunching it up in your hand. “I’ve just had a rubbish day. Somebody shoved this in my locker.” You frown and pull a balled up piece of paper out of your pocket. 
Cheryl’s eyebrows knit in confusion as she takes it from you, her fingers graze yours and you freeze for a few seconds. 
who do you think did it? 
cheryl __
y/n __
Jamie __
“Why is your brother on here?” Cheryl asks, her voice rising with each word and you rest your hand on top of hers to calm her down. 
“I dunno.” You shrug. “Your parents are on there too.” You add and point further down the page. 
“What a bunch of dicks.” She grumbles and crumples it up. “Do you know who it was?” You shrug and she sighs. 
“I’ve just gotten tired of the staring and the whispers. So I thought I’d just have five minutes peace before going home and having to listen to Jamie cry in his room but pretend he’s okay. Or for my parents to walk on eggshells around both of us. Neither of them know what to say, and because of that they keep saying the wrong thing.” You ramble and she listens intently, trying her best to find a resolution to all of your problems. 
Unfortunately, she doesn’t know the answer to everything, no matter what her mom says. 
“I just thought five minutes by myself can’t be terrible. But then I came down here and someone carve-well it doesn’t matter what they wrote. What matters is that I made you worry at the worst possible time in your life. I hurt you, and I’m really sorry. Believe me, hurting you is the last thing I want to do you. I feel sick even just thinking about it. I never, ever want to hurt you. I love you too much. I love you more that I’ve ever loved anything or anyone ever. I just love yo-” Your eyes widen when you realize what you’ve just admitted to. 
You don’t want to look at her, but she hasn’t said anything in a while and that’s strange for her. So you force yourself to look at her, expecting the worst. Expecting disgust, disappointment, betrayal. But it’s none of those. 
Instead she’s smiling. And she looks actually happy. Something you haven’t seen in so long, something you’re glad to see, despite the circumstances. 
Oh yeah, you’ve just told her you’re in love with her. What do you say after that? 
“I-er-”
“Y/n?” She cuts you off before you get the chance to ruin the moment. She’s known you for long enough to know that when you get nervous, you ramble and when you ramble you say weird things. 
You’re grateful for her cutting you off, usually if she talks over you, it annoys the hell out of you. But this time it’s welcomed and she stifles a small laugh and the sigh of relief you let out. 
But the next thing she says is something that you weren’t expecting, but you’re sure as hell grateful for. 
“Would you like to go on a date?” 
---
The red lights from outside, illuminate Cheryl’s pale face in the night, painting her in a reddish hue and you find yourself staring at her for far longer than would be considered normal. 
Lucky for you, she hasn’t noticed. She doesn’t seem to be paying attention to anything, not really anyway. Instead she stares down at her food, pushing a few fries around the plate and anxiety rises in your chest. 
She’s already regretting doing this. She’s made a mistake and now she doesn’t know how to let you down gently. 
She seems to sense you nerves because she’s looking at you quickly, a sad smile twitching at her lips.
“Sorry, I just. Jason always used to tease me about the two of us. It’s the only thing we’d take about sometimes. He’d constantly ask me if I’d asked you out yet. And every time I would say ‘no, we’re just friends’ but, well neither of us really believed that.” She says, a small laugh escapes her lips near the end, but she quickly shuts it off. It’s too soon for her to be laughing, too soon for her to be happy. 
“Yeah.” You nod and finish your drink. “He used to tease me too. ‘if you don’t tell her, I’ll do it myself’.” You mimic his voice and a ghost of a smile twitches at her lips as she forces herself to look at you. “I am really glad you did ask me though.” Your voice shakes a little with nerves and Cheryl stares at you confused. “I do really like you Cheryl.” 
“I really like you too.” She smiles softly and you stare at her lips. Sometimes you think the red lipstick has permanently stained her lips cherry red. Even when you guys are a sleepover, she still has bright red lips and the other part of you wonders if that’s just what they look like. 
“Hey.” You start and a sly smile twitches at your lips as you remember an old memory. She leans forward, excited to know what you’re smiling about. 
It could literally be anything, from a musty old book she let you borrow from the Thornhill archive, to a new tv show you started to watch. But whatever it is, she’s excited to hear you talk about it. 
“Can you remember last year. It was Jamie’s 16th birthday and you and Jason were invited over. Jason was there because him and Jamie were planning on sneaking out later that night, and you tagged along so you could keep me company.” You start and she smiles at the memory. 
The four of you sat in the living room, while your mom brought cake and your dad sang ‘happy birthday’. Cheryl remembers how happy she was, and she remembers talking to Jason afterwards, the two of them whispering and wondering if that was what a normal family was supposed to look like. 
You, Cheryl and Jason had each pitched in for the record player he wanted. And even though you all knew that just Cheryl alone could have been able to buy him it if she really wanted, you knew they split it for you. 
Jamie was ecstatic when he opened the box, and then all of the records you’d bought to go with it. He’d played it every single day since getting it, but now you haven’t heard it in months.
“Yeah.” She nods, a sad smiling taking over he face. “Can you remember when Jason pushed his face into the cake.” She adds making you snort a laugh. 
The bell above Pop’s rings and Betty and Archie walk in. They send you a sympathetic smile before sitting at their own booth, and you and Cheryl share a look. 
“Would you like another one?” You point at her milkshake and she nods, smiling shyly. 
---
The walk home is over far too soon, and it’s only when you’re standing on your porch do you realize you took the normal way home by accident. Either the media has gone to sleep, or people are starting to forget about Jason and Riverdale. 
That thought makes you frown and Cheryl watches your expression falter before you look back at her again. 
“Thank you for walking me home.” You smile shyly and a nervous laugh escapes her lips. 
“It’s no problem.” She shrugs and the two of you stare at each other for a few seconds longer than normal. She’s about to leave when you grab her hand and spin her around to face you. 
She’s surprised for a second, until suddenly she feels a pair of lips on hers, and then the only thing she can feel is them. Everything else disappears, and though the kiss is short and a little awkward, it’s still perfect. 
“Would you like to come in?” You ask and motion your head to large wooden door. The pain is chipped around the metal numbers, something your mom has nagged your dad about for the past 6 months. “We still have the rest of y/f/s to watch.” 
“I’d love to.” She nods and the two of you grin at each other. “But seriously, how many times have you seen that now?” 
“It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve seen it.” You unlock the front door, giving it a quick kick before you stumble through it. “What matters is that this is the first time you’re seeing it.” You add and she rolls her eyes but follows you up the stairs anyway. 
The sun sets over another day in Riverdale and darkness floods the town. The streets are cold and scary, but wrapped in your duvet and Cheryl’s arms, you’ve never felt warmer. 
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Kokichi is dying (V3 chatfic, no particular ship)
TW: Infers abuse, talks about ableism, neglect, panic attack pretty much, depression, self loathing. never being good enough
i am so sorry but vr au's need to be sad, love yall :)
(Background info: This is set in a vr au, they are not with their fake memory parents (Ie; kaito's kind grandparents) but rather why they really have)
(Also i have no fucking clue what ship i was going for???? pretty sure they are all on the table, and kokichi talks like an idiot in this and i love it. Gonta's writing is based off of his Japanese talking style, so no more caveman talking).
USERNAMES:
(Space monkey: Kaito, Detective pikachu: shuichi, Elton john: kaede, Antman: gonta, Mr. Gonstealyoman: korekiyo, Atua's bitch: angie, emoboi: ryoma, be-boop: kiibo, bread roll: Maki, cum dumpster: miu, mommy: kirumi, Gremlin: Kokichi)
TLDR: Chaos ensues, slight angst
Gremlin: omfg im fucking sicK im gonna fucking die i bet this was kaitos bitch ass fault for coughing on me with his tuberculosis headass gROSSSSS I HATE EVERYTHINGGG
Space Monkey: i-
Space monkey: I didn't get you sick dumbass,,,, my tb is fugckin cured bi-
Bread roll: he's dramatic and gross dont believe him
Gremlin: yall mean for what?
Gremlin: i have a life taking disease and yall laughing i- 
Gremlin: see you at my funeral bitch
Detective pikachu: What are you sick with then
Gremlin: anythong bitch, im the universe
Antman: He sounds delusional, thats not good
Detective pikachu: He's always delusional, he's Kokichi
Mr. gonstealyoman: I guess this name is better than my old one
Mr. gonstealyoman: thank you kokichi :) I am glad we have come to an understanding
Gremlin: kay sexy
Gremlin: IGNRE WHAT I JUST SENT
Gremlin: IGNORE IT IGNORE IT IGNORE ITTTTT
Antman: who was that for???
Gremlin: NO ONE,,, 
Gremlin: Okay,,, maybe sexy tall men in general lowkey
Gremlin: okay,,,, maybe anyone over 6 feet 
Detective pikachu: i feel excluded
Detective pikachu: good, i don't like you kokichi, your an ass
Gremlin: u sound jelly shumaiiiiii
be-boop: perhaps he is telling the truth, you know,
be-boop: according to my data, in chapter four Shuichi stated that you will never have friends, and no one will ever like you
Gremlin: SHUT THE FUCK UP STOP MAKING ME FEEL BADBSKVKHDVKDSKJV
Antman: do you need me to come over? I can make you tea?
mommy: Do you know how to do that, Gonta? I can teach you?
Antman: Gonta does know, thank you very much. 
Antman: Gonta is not a child, Tojo-chan, please don't regard me as one
Antman: Gonta can cook, can clean, can be gentle, and has his own mind
Space monkey: but we're just making sure man, cuz, you know,,,, chapter 4
Antman: I am capable of things just like you!!!!!
Antman: Gonta doesn't know why you guys treat me like a child :(
Gremlin: yeah, hot stuff over there is basically a prodigy homies
Antman: Gonta is dumb though, don't say that.
Antman: Gonta is no prodigy, in fact, he is below average in everything
Gremlin: Whats ur test scores bitch
Antman: Gonta got a 98 on my english test,, but i wanted a 100, which would make Gonta actually smart :( 
Antman: Gonta is not good enough to be friends with you all
Antman: I can do basic stuff like tojo said...
Antman: maybe i do need help?
Antman: im not sure anymore:((((
Gremlin: THEY ARE ABLEIST GONTA,,, THEY FEEL SUPERIOR FOR TREATING UUUUU LIKE A CHILD
Detective pikachu: You sound really delusional Kokichi, maybe you should get sleep
Gremlin: S T F U, IM SPITTING ST8 FACTS BITCH
Detective pikachu: Sure you are. Now get some rest. 
Gremlin: GRRRR WHY WONT YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU IDIOTS??
Bread roll: Cause your stupid and aggressive
Gremlin: your personality, basically?
Bread roll: shut up at least i have a boyfriend
Gremlin: Technically, you just stole my frienemy 
Gremlin: Yall do be avoiding each other doe
Space Monkey: WE ARE NOT
Gremlin: Yeah yeah
Gremlin: yesterday i saw you to enter the same cafe by accident, duck your heads, then sit across the cafe from each other, all while  avoiding eye contact
Gremlin: Soooo,,, things not going well in paradise?
Detective pikachu: you're nosy
Gremlin: says the literal detective 
Space monkey: everythings fine your just a dickkkk
Gremlin: "oooo! Im momo-chan, i say bad word and go brrrrr"
Space monkey: im going to fucking stab him 
Gremlin: You cant, ive already enslaved you with my chaotic, yet cute hijinks, havent i~
Space monkey: STOP STOP NO NOT THE SQUIGLY
Gremlin: is it the sex? WHY DONT YOU MAKE EYE CNOTACT WITH UR LADY NO MORE 
Space monkey: ITS NOT THE SEX I HATE YOU
Gremlin: im free by the way at 8 ;)
Bread roll: STOP trying to steal my boyfriend kokichi, ive told you this before
Bread roll: NO
Bread roll: BODY
Antman: Gonta interrupts to say, Gonta loves you kokichi, and we should get flowers together, than maybe we can prank some people :D 
Bread roll: Ive never wanted to stab you more, gonta
Gremlin: I'd enjoy that very much, fine fellow ;)
Gremlin: but idk,,,, can you like take care of me first, cuz IM SICK BECAUSE OF KAITO TUBERCULOSIS ASS
Space monkey: I DONT HAVE TB ANYMORE
Gremlin: SURE YOU DONT 
Space monkey: I DONT
Gremlin:  BUT GUESS WHAT
Gremlin: YOU STILL SMOKE DUMBASS AND THATS NOT GOOD FOR U OR YOUR TUBERCULOSIS
Detective pikachu: He smokes?
Atua's bitch: he does, i walked in on him in the bathroom lmao
Atua's bitch: he was scared shitless and threw it out the window, needless to say atua does nt approve
Gremlin: DO YOU EVEN HAVE THE VACCINE????
Space monkey: Uh,,, i was taught vaccines were bad, so no i don't have the vaccine
Gremlin: I HATE OLD PEOPLE
Gremlin: ABOLISH OLD PEOPLEEEE
Gremlin: THEY SPREAD MISINFORMATION AND IT PHISCALLY HURTS ME TO SEEEEEE
Space monkey: your dramatic, it cant be that bad
Gremlin: say that when you catch it again
Gremlin: i swear you coughed on me like,,,, 5 weeks ago tho
Antman: OOOO! Fun fact: Tuberculosis can lay dormant from 3 months to a few years! 
Space monkey: u guys are just trying to scare me
Bread roll: Just checked the chat after using the br and,,m YOUDONT HAVE YOU VACCINES???
Detective pikachu: Im sorry, but kaito, please,,,,, for the love of god get vaccines
Space monkey: alright alright, ill do it cuz you guys are all on my case and i don't like being the villain :(
Gremlin: Im so happy i have gonta with me rn, he is making me tea while yall rot in your distant ass relationship (THIS IS FOR YOU KAITO)
Space monkey: Im going to destroy your bloodline in about three seconds if you dont stfu right fucking now
Gremlin: Hhehe i have an inaprwopwiate joke uwu
emoboi: STOP PLEASE DEAR GOD
cum dumpster: wHAt Is iT YOU WHORE
Gremlin: i was gonna say wouldn't he need to like,,,, have sex with my family to weed out my bloodline or something??
cum dumpster: i-
cum dumpster: Why am i acting surprised, ive watched porn with more extravagant plots than this
cum dumpster: ie; are you guys FUCKING? RIGHT INFRONT OF MY SALAD??? is one i will cherish with my soul
emoboi: hehe why did she point out the salad
Space monkey: I hate u kokichi, i truly do
Gremlin: I bet if you got the chance u would kiss me space boy :P
Bread roll has left the chat
Space monkey: o god is she ddoing one of those bf loyalty tests or smthing???
Space monkey: now im nervous lmao
Gremlin: why you so nervous stupid~~~~
Gremlin: It not like ur cheating on her homie
Space monkey: It's just a placebo effect
Gremlin: My brain feels fried Momo-chan,, i don't understand big boy words right now
Space monkey: Basically, if you take a pill that doesn't do anything but you don't know that and believe it does, you will scientifically start to feel better
Gremlin: first and only time saying this, but thank you 
Space monkey: HEHEHEB YOU SAID THANK YOU YOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOU
Gremlin: Kaito,,, imma need you to do me a favor and look up on your ceiling
Space monkey: i hate you, idk what it is, but i hte you
Gremlin: good <3
Space monkey: HE REPLACED ALL MY THE STARS ON MY CELING WITH FUCKIBG DICKSSS
Space monkey: THIS IS THE LST FUCKING STRAW IM GONNA LOSE IT
Space monkey: IF MY GRANDPARENTS SEE THIS BULLSHIT THEY ARE GOING TO KILL ME, SLAP ME, MAYBE BREAK MY NECK AND DESTROY MEE
Space monkey: Im GENUINLEY panicing HOW TF am i gona get this off my wal???? They are going to bbat me senselpess help me shUichi
Detective pikachu: o god, i can sense the sheer pain and scaredness in  that tet, 
Detective pikachu: are you for real gong to get hurt or are you pulling a kokichi?
Space monkey: FUCKING HELP ME IM NOT FUCKING JOKINGKABKCB HELP THEY ARE NOT HOME RN THEY ARE LIKEE,,,, 40 MINUTES AWAY PLEASEE 
Gremlin: okay,,, maybe this wasn't the best prank.,,, i guess i'll help clean up cuz im not that much of a sociopath
Gremlin: tbh my parents can go shove it too lowkey terrible 0/10 
Space monkey: AHHHH IM SO SCARED PLS PSL GET HERE FAST
be-boop: Of course, i will come, i will survey the outside of the house
Antman: Gonta is coming too! We will get this done in under 40 minutes!
Space monkey: OKAY
Gremlin: Lowkey, if i cough on you ignore it bitch your the one who made me like this
Space monkey: W HA TDONT COUGH ON ME IM NOT SICK ANYMORE
Gremlin: I will give you TB again just cuz your making me suffer
Space monkey: Suffer what??? putting dicks on my FUCKING WALL???
Gremlin: Guilt, idiot, im feeling guilty. 
cum dumpster: oof thats new
emoboi: yeah i wasn't expecting it
Mr.gonstealyoman: Me neither. It is rather peculiar seeing it being texted by him because he is always feels not guilty of his bad actions.
be-boop: I do believe he means it, though...
emoboi: impossible.
cum dumpster: i agree, literally impossible.
Gremlin: I HAVE A FUCKIBG SOUL YOU CRazY CONSPIRACISTS
Antman: Quick question, shuichi can i stay with you again? It'll be dark when i get home and gonta can't do that so,,, please help
Detective pikachu: my parents are like blank slates, who eat slowly, watch tv slowly, and never look at me. Im sure they wouldn't mind :P
Antman: ALRIGHT! :D LETS GET MISSION: MR. MOMOTA ROOM REPAIR DONE!
Gremlin: ooo! I like the name! IM INNNN! 
Detective pikachu: On it!
be-boop: Ready for look out!
Space monkey: I love you guys :)
AN: Im lowkey sorry i ended this chaotic mess with angst,,,, but like fr i love it i love angst,, i hate reading it but love writing it
91 notes · View notes
dreammutual-remade · 6 years
Text
high school!mark
Tumblr media
request: highschool!mark if u love me plspls
 word count: 5.5k
a/n: lucky that I love u anon hehehehe !!!!! also wOW I didnt mean to make this so god damn long itS REALLY JUST THESE GOD DAMN HIGH SCHOOL AUS IM WEAK FOR THEM OKAY. look at this cutie hOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO RESIST
mark, renjun, jeno, donghyuck, jaemin, chenle, jisung
warnings: the usual intermittent cussing and probably an inappropriate joke or two
this au is my Ultimate Weakness it makes me soft as hell alright
………………….
LETS DIVE IN
okay so your mom has a job that forces your family to move around….. A LOT
and while you’ve gotten used to it for the most part it still sucks having to leave people behind and make completely new friends once every couple of years
this time you’re moving to a new school for your SENIOR YEAR and you’re livid
bc like ??? it’s senior year and you have exactly zero (0) friends since you’re new,,, yet again
you Threw A Fit when you found out but your mom was like shut up you ingrate soon you’ll be in college and won’t even have to worry about it
so you, an ingrate, shut up :/
you move in a month before school starts and the house is nice and your room is cute so that’s a plus !!!!!
you hang up some pictures and organize all your cute little trinkets you’ve collected over the years aw
you’ve even got a lil succulent garden growing on your windowsill
ITS CUTE AS HELL OKAY
alright so you’re gonna go explore around town because you , don’t know where anything is and you wanna find some good spots to hang
you take the bus into the middle of town because who tf is tryna drive themselves amirite ladies
support ur local bus driver
anywhom this isn’t a HUGE town but it’s one of those cute towns where you can pretty much walk anywhere you need to go
(god i wish that were me)
so you spend all day just, walkin
you find a library and pick up some books …….
both for decoration and reading okay
and you find a couple of restaurants and write them down to try later along with some coffee shops and whatnot
eventually you’re tired and prolly a lil sweaty bc it’s summer and you’re outside and ugh
so you find a nice big park and a tree and sit down at the base of it to read and mindlessly sketch things in the margins of your book
whEN OUT OF NOWHERE
someone shouts
“HEY WATCH OUT”
and you look up just in time to dodge a sOCCER BALL HURTLING TOWARDS YOUR FACE
it bounces off the tree and rolls a couple feet away
“uhhhh holy shit” - you
you just kind of sit there astonished for 5 seconds before you get up to get the ball and look around for who saved your LIFE
and there’s boy jogging toward you looking extremely embarrassed
you meet him halfway to hand him the ball and he’s like
“oh mY GOD i’m so sorry i told them to settle down but they never listen to me and jisung just ??? doesn’t know how to not take everything seriously and he lost and got pissed and kicked it and we didn’t even kNOW you were over here and also i’m so sorry”
you smile and tell him it’s fine and hand him the ball
you go to get back to your tree and he’s like hey uh you there uh wait up
god he’s awkward
and you turn around to face him with an expectant look
“so um, what’s your name? i haven’t seen you around here before and like in case i ever gotta make this up to you you know ??”
cute
you tell him your name and stick out your hand to shake and he grabs it very hesitantly and tells you his name is mark
he has , very warm hands and they’re only slightly bigger than yours but that’s still cUTE
MARK HAS BABY HANDS I DARE U TO SAY HE DOESNT
he says he hopes you enjoy your book and he’ll make sure the boys don’t disturb you anymore than they already have
you wave as he goes and he gives you a smile over his shoulder and his cheeks are tinged pink and wOw this boy is a cutie patootie
you go back to your reading but now instead of doodling you’re just writing his name or drawing his big doe eyes or his smooth hands
(((((let’s pretend we’re all good at drawing okay god knows i can’t do much more than a stick figure)))))
the boys leave after an hour or two and you leave pretty soon after then because the sun is setting and you gotta be home for dinner
basically your mom wants to make sure you aren’t kidnapped and/or lost in a new town
which, to be fair, is not that unlikely
you have your headphones in and you’re leaned against the bus window half asleep as you go
bitch wake up youRE GONNA MISS YOUR STOP
it’s the same bus driver who saw you get on and honestly there aren’t a lot of people on the bus so he makes sure you get off
“hey you, girl back there, hEY! this is your stop girly”
you thank him profusely and tip him because uhhhh u gotta get home and like Not Lost
you skip home with your bag of books and miscellaneous items you found at the thrift store!!!
you bought a little figurine of a dragon and she’s beautiful her name is saraphina because why not
that’s completely irrelevant i’m so sorry
i have ADHD
anywhom
you walk in and you’re all like hey momma !!! how goes it !!:3
and your mom is Sus™️ because why are you in such a good mood
and you’re like !!! cause i had a good day okay love u bye i’m going to my rOOM
don’t let her question anymore or else she’ll dig out that you met a Cute Boy
you go to your room and get out all your purchases and organize them while you still have the motivation to do so
and yeah
you use one of the blank notes to start like a lil drawing diary of sorts ???? like just to draw stuff in whenever you’re inspired or you see something pretty
and you definitely saw smth pretty today ;))))))))
hint: ITS MARK
you try to draw him from memory but it doesn’t look quite right and like :(((((( how sad is that what if you don’t even see him again
the rest of the month passes pretty quickly in the same fashion
by now you’ve befriended the bus driver and he tells you all the cool secret nooks and crannies of town for you to go find
he’s also your bff pretty much he always tells you about his daughter and all the cute things she does and you just talk about your life in general and he gives you advice
congrats you’ve unlocked Wise Uncle
he gives you directions to this teeny TINY flower shop where you befriend the old lady who works there by bringing a muffin everytime you go by
she trades you for a seasonal flower and makes a big deal out of tucking it behind your ear herself
basically you find all the cute old people in town and make them your friend because.
THATS CUTE
ADDED BONUS OF LIKE 17 PARENT FIGURES TO GIVE YOU ADVICE
this is accidentally straying into art hoe territory i hope y’all are okay w/ that
school is starting really soon and you’re nervous but also used to this so it doesn’t affect you as bad as normally
also you did meet some people so you aren’t going in with no friends but like, pretty close to no friends
on the first day of school you ride the bus and you see ???? mark ????? on your bus ????????
so you get on and do your daily greeting of the bus driver
his daughter lost her first tooth AW
you fake cry and he says “mood” and you lose it because you’re pushing internet culture onto this unsuspecting middle aged man skdkdkkd
you pat him on the shoulder as you walk back to find a seat but there are none because for some reason the bus is busy this early in the morning ????
you wouldn’t know lmao summer sleep schedule had you up at 10 at the earliest
so you go to stand and hold onto one of the poles in the center
(nearby our boy mark LEE)
mark looks up from his phone
these god damn millennials always on that damn phone
and he sees you and he’s like wHOA what’s up uhhh Soccer Ball Girl
and nice you remembered his name bUT HE DIDNT REMEMBER YOURS
but then he’s like nahhhh just kidding i remember ur name hey y/n !!!
you talk otw to school and find out you’re both seniors at the same school and how you’re excited for sports games and like, GRADUATING
mark keeps trying to offer you his seat but you refuse and he pouts everytime you say no :((((
good god just take the seat look at the sad baby boy :((((((((((((
there is an, occurrence
at one point the bus goes over a bump and you stumble a little and mark reaches up to catch you before you literally fall on him
his hands fly out and grab you by the hips to steady you since he’s sitting and you’re standing and he can’t exactly reach your shoulders sO YEA
or at least that’s his explanation in his head huehuehuehe
his hands linger for MAYBE 10 seconds before he whips them back into his pockets and blushes while you thank him
you: are also blushing
the bus driver: completely did that on purpose
when you get off the bus your Second Dad tells you good luck and pats you on the head and mark is like ???? do you know him
and you’re like yeah that’s my man maurice we’re buds
and he’s like ???? i’ve rode that bus all my life to school and i’m not buds with him wtf :/
“srry you’re not as lovable as me!! jealousy is a disease <3”
and he laughs his dorky laugh
you highkey are smiling so big because this boy is so cute and he’s walking close enough that your shoulders brush every once in a while and he has a silly laugh and AW
as you walk into the school marks group of Boys starts waving him over excitedly and he turns in their direction but then stops when he sees you aren’t following
“hey whatcha doin???”
“well uhhh those are Your Boys you know and i’m, i don’t, really, uh they don’t know me”
“aw cmon they’ll love you!!! look ill just introduce you and if they’re terrible and annoying you can leave”
“........ i gue-“
but he’s already grabbed your hand and is pulling you over to them
“sup fellas this is y/n and she just moved here this year so don’t be too overwhelming.”
the smaller one with the highish voice chimes in
“aww but overwhelming is my only setting”
“then just don’t be yourself, chenle”
“heYYY it’s that girl i almost killed in the park !!! so sorry about that by the way”
he introduces them to you one by one and they all shake your hand
jisung is the one with the big ass yaoi hands and also the one who almost ended your young life
jaemin is the one with pretty smile
jeno is the one with the squishy eyes
renjun is the Art Hoe of the group you can just tell
he’s wearing some got damn overalls you gotta befriend him immediately
donghyuck is the one with beautiful skin and a v high voice you’re highkey like hey but can you dROP THE SKINCARE ROUTINE and he’s like “i just wash my face every day xoxo :*”
you quickly learn who is a piece of shit and who isn’t
you figure out who has classes with you and then set off for the day !!
mark has gym and economics with you but those are after lunch :(((
he squeezes your shoulder before he leaves and says good luck though so you’ll survive
you have art with renjun first and this boy is your bestie already
he’s such a sarcastic shit and he too likes drawing random things and vandalizing school textbooks with artistically correct memes
he also has the AUDACITY
“so, you and mark already ;););)(;);)))”
“i uh don’t know what you mean by that”
“you SO do!!!!! you guys walked into school together everyone probably already thinks you’re a thing”
“oh shit really??? ah i feel so bad”
“is that a bad thing???”
“i mean yeah i’m not tryna Tarnish mark’s reputation”
“that is some self hatred bs he would be lucky to have you !!!!”
“renjun you don’t even know me that well yet”
“i know enOUGH”
you just uhh change the subject which renjun def notices but like
who cares
renjun apparently also goes to the same flower shop as you !!!
you find out because you see him drawing the front of it and you’re like heY i’ve been there my girl edna works there !!!!! she insist i call her grandma tho
and he’s all oh sHIT that’s my girl too !!!!!!
long story short edna is now your shared grandmother
now THAT is some uwu shit
you go about your day and it’s lunchtime and yOU uh don’t know where to sit :(
you see a girl that you met who works at the little coffee shop you like so you set off in her direction and you’re almost there when jeno and jaemin walk up and sling an arm around your shoulder from either side
“hEY BUDDY” -jeno
“SUP SQUIRT” -jaemin
and they start steering you in another direction towards their own table
“god of all nicknames you had to give me sQUIRT”
“yes it’s because you’re cute and small like squirtle”
“that’s a god damn reach if i’ve ever seen one but okay”
you get there and they practically TOSS you into the seat next to mark
he winces and gives you and apologetic pat on the back before starting the conversation
“alright so who actually did the summer reading”
as the table bursts into Absolute Ruckus you just kind of sit back and watch
mark notices you being quiet and while renjun and chenle are arm wrestling he leans over to quietly be like
“hey you doin okay over there? are they too much”
“oh not at all i’m just takin it in lmao”
“yeah that’s understandable. they’re easily the most entertaining group of people you’ll ever meet but also i’ve wanted to strangle every single one of them at least once”
“what are you 30??? you talk about them like you’re their mom”
“i mean someone’s gotta do it”
you and mark talk all throughout lunch and head to gym together since that’s next
exercising right after eating ??? sounds like a GREAT plan thanks so much public school system !!!!
you go to pull out your bag of gym clothes but ??? all you’ve got is shorts ?????
S H I T
you start whining because you’re like aWW i’m gonna get in trouble :(((((
and he’s like here i have like 12 shirts in here because i always bring too many and then leave some when i got soccer practice i gotchu
(he gives you the clean shirt that hasn’t been sitting in his locker <3333 what a guy)
you thank him proFUSELY and then go to the girls locker room to change
the shirt is too big and you don’t wanna look like a Bag so you tie a lil knot in it in the front
you don’t look like a thot tho you just look Cute As Fuck
some girl in the locker room lets you borrow a hair tie and off we go !!!
it’s the first day so everyone literally just stretches and sits around talking
you’ve hashtag LOST mark and you don’t have any friends yet so you’re just chillin talking to the girl who gave you a hair tie because she seems nice and you got nothin better to do
you’re explaining to her how to take care of a succulent /properly/ when mark catches a basketball that was headed right for you yelling a watch it !!!! over his shoulder
he turns to you and giggles a little, nudging your foot with his
“you’re just a danger magnet aren’t you”
“i mean danger is my middle name so”
“uGH get your ass over here away from all those freshman hoodlums who think they can play”
you wave bye to your friend because there’s literal fear in her eyes at the sight of mark ??
you ask her what’s wrong later and she’s like oh it’s not him i just have a crippling fear of boys
(that’s a mood)
you and mark pass a volleyball back and forth and fuck around pretty much all period
this is actually the one (1) sport he isn’t good at thank GOD you were worried he had no flaws
at the end of the class you ask him if he wants his shirt back and he says, and i quote,
“nah you and your thot knot can keep it, looks cuter on you anyways”
you smack his arm for calling you a thot but then thank him anyways for the shirt and for calling you cute :))))))))
econ passes the same way except normal clothing and no sports
although mark does throw a wadded up piece of paper on you that says u want 2 hang w the boys n me after school ? if yes then breathe if no do a backflip
this headass boy
you throw it back so it bounces off his forehead and then nod to confirm you will
you don’t have any of the boys in your last class and you don’t where to meet up so you just kind of loiter by your locker since jeno’s is pretty close to yours and maybe they’ll meet here ????
luckily jisung spots you and is like hey what r u doin here aren’t u hanging with us after school??? cmon
you follow him out to the parking lot where they’re all gathered around jeno and jaemins vehicles because apparently they’re the only ones with actual cars
rip
they start waving too excitedly when they see you and mark smiles all big
wooOOO baby boy already has a crush on you :3
they’ve apparently already decided to go to chenles house because apparently he’s fuckin loaded
you don’t believe that for a sECOND because he’s wearing crocs and an old ass polo shirt but
we’ll see
you mark and renjun ride with jaemin while the Babies ride with jeno since he is able to ignore them being crackheads in the backseat and drive his vehicle without crashing
apparently they’ve cause multiple vehicular accidents ??? possibly the reason renjun doesn’t have a car ???????
who knows
y’all have a blast in jaemins car tho playing tokyo drift from the third fast and furious movie if u haven’t heard that shit plEASE GO LISTEN WHAT A SONG HEHEHHEHHEHE
you pull into this BIG ASS house and you’re like no fucking way dude
and everyone else in the car simultaneously says
“i know right ???”
y’all pull in and go inside and it’s real nice holy SHIT
chenle comes in cackling followed closely be jisung and more sedately by jeno who looks ready to fckin die
you pat him on the shoulder and go you did well, soldier
he salutes solemnly before breaking out into the smile
y’all know the one
you UWU right there on the spot but hold yourself back from poking his cheek and cooing
chenle then SCREECHES and yells
“WHO IS TRYNA PLAY JUST DANCE”
and everyone crowds into his living room
somehow the couch is big enough to fit all of you comfortably that’s fckin impressive
you play just dance for 3 whole ass hours and now you’re Tired and Ready To Go Home
there’s a bus stop nearby and you insist upon walking since jaemin already have you a ride here and you didn’t even have gas money to give him :(((
mark goes to since you have to catch the same bus
you hum as you skip around the sidewalk and he walks behind you smiling fondly while you twirl around
he recognizes the song and whistles along and wow !!!!
Harmony™️
when you get to the stop you’re like 5 mins early
so to entertain yourselves you play rock paper scissors and each time the winner gets to flick the loser on the forehead
mark is a sweet boy so he flicks softly but you go all out
wouldn’t be surprised if he had a bruise tmrw girly u need to chill
you sit on the bus together when it arrives since there’s actually room now and he slumps down low until his head is pretty much rested on your shoulder
(our man maurice sees and is like GET IT GIRL but only so you notice and you make threatening hand motions at him)
you’re not sure if he’s asleep so you stay extra still just in case
and no one needs to know you rested your cheek on top of his head
but when it gets to your stop you’re like mark? mark lee??? mork ???? wake up ??? and you nudge him a little with your shoulder and he sits up and rubs his eyes aW
he slow blinks at you and goes
“hm?”
and you’re like i uh gotta go now
and he’s like :/// okay i’ll see you tomorrow and stands up and gives you a half hug before you go
maurice is DYING in the front you’re going to kill him
you walk home with a smile on your face and again your mom is suspicious of your good mood but you’re like aw it’s nothin just had a good day at school made lots of friends !!!!!!
as summer turns into fall you make more friends but you mostly hang out with the boys because they’re funny and nice to you and also Mark is there and we love our boy
you guys all attend football games together and go absolutely ALL OUT for whatever the theme is
for example: the theme was halloween and you all dressed as god damn SMURFS
it was legendary there was not one bit of you all that wasn’t covered in blue paint
jisung almost fought some girl who thought he was from the movie Avatar until everyone was like jisung cHILL OUT ITS NOT HER FAULT YOURE VERY TALL AND COMPLETELY BLUE
and well
can’t argue with that
it gets chillier though so you all bring blankets and cuddle most of the games
all of the boys suspiciously aren’t cold at first until you and mark share a blanket
they’re so obvious GOD
with each time y’all share you get more relaxed around each other until eventually mark has one arm slung around you and your legs are hooked over one of his thighs while y’all Snuggle
renjun waggles his eyebrows at you every five minutes and you discreetly give him the finger every time
little ASSHOLE
college applications are due like. right now
you all apply to a nice university close by as a backup/safe place and then apply to more brazy places just to see if you can get in
everyone’s been real stressed lately so you’re like !!!!! hey imma throw a friendsgiving party !!! yeehaw !!!!!!!!!
and you invite all of them over
“everyone bring smth and i’ll bake a ham or smth,,, i swear to GOD if all of you show up with store-bought pumpkin pie. i will kill you and then myself”
“what’s with you and pumpkin pie?”
“jUST. don’t”
((((srry i’m projecting my hatred of pumpkin pie onto u reader heheehehheh))))
everyone comes over and it’s really chilly so you have a fire in the fireplace and you have a couple of your gal pals over too
your mom is nice enough to leave y’all alone for the night and she’s not hurt since it’s not real thanksgiving
we stan moms
you bring out the ham and someone has brought green beans and mark ,,,, tHAT ANGEL he brought cornbread stuffing do y’all know what i’m talking abt
OOO THAT STUFF IS GOOD
and there’s sweet potatoes and apple pie and all the Thanksgiving Essentials
jisung wanted to be a dick so he brought cranberry jelly
“why don’t you have some:) cranberry preserves:) , jisung” -you, every 30 seconds
everyone sits down to eat and it’s LOUD so you’re like shut UP !!!!!!!!!!
“every1 say smth ur thankful for :3333”
“my family !!!!”
“you guys <3”
“awW BOOO” - everyone, while throwing things at jaemin
“my life !!”
“that i’m happy”
“gay” -chenle
“minecraft”
anyways no one took it seriously until it got to mark
“i’m grateful y/n moved here :))))))”
everyone goes KSKDDIDI and you blush and you’re like okay ily mark JSKKD
everyone EATS A LOT and then you go sit in a pile in the living room
you go to make hot chocolate for everyone and when you come back it’s , interesting how there’s only room for you next to mark . hm
you pass out the hot chocolate and everyone reaches Maximum Sleepytime
at this point you’re too tired to give a fuck and you just flop onto the couch next to mark and curl up into his side
he puts his arm around you to pull you close and this mf presses a tiny barely there kiss to your temple
you look up and like talk with your eyes
did u just
i did
oh
yeah
and then you just settle back down
it’s too crowded in here for any Moves to be Made
bUT YALL BEST BELIEVE WHEN ALL THESE YOUNGINS GET OUT UR HOUSE
you’ve got the karate kid on bc ??? who doesn’t love the karate kid and all of your cutie friends are asleep in various places
but once it gets super late you start waking people up and going hey i love you but your mom called mine like 8 times you gotta gO
you make sure everyone is awake fully if they’re driving and to text you when they got home safe
at long last
you’re alone
in your house
with mark
actually where is mark
mark has disappeared ?????
you start looking around for him and find him in your room ???
“you snoopin thru my things ??!?!??”
he jumps and is like uHH but you’re like nah you’re fine idc
so he continues and he was really just lookin at what kind of books you have and the little drawings and paintings and knick knacks everywhere
you just sit on your bed and observe him
let’s be real he’s nice to look at and you’d be perfectly fine doing this for uhhh the rest of your life
he pulls a book off your shelf and starts flipping through it until he pauses at a page
and his face blooms into this big smile and he looks hella giddy
and you’re like uhh hey whatcha lookin at there bud
and he just keep smiling and it’s a little smug now wtf
“when were you reading this?”
“oh uh i don’t know i got it this summer at that cute little bookshop”
“was it, by chance, the day we met?”
“i mean maybe??? why ????”
and he shows you the page and it’s tHAT oNE WHERE YOU WERE DOODLING BITS OF HIM AND WRITING HIS NAME ALL OVER IT
FUCK !!!!!!!
you immediately turn tomato red and snatch the book in to hold it tightly to your chest
“uhhh i do that with uhhhh eVerYONE I MEET”
“aw i thought i was special:((((”
he’s creeping closer to you this whole time until he’s INCHES AWAY
he gently pulls the book out of your hands and places it aside before grabbing your wrists and uncrossing your arms
“personally, i think it’s really cute”
you blush even more this man knows what he’s doing
you mumble a thanks with your eyes trained on his fuzzy socks what a dork
he releases one of your wrists to push your chin up so he can look you in the eyes
“do you really do that with everyone you meet?”
“,,,,,,, no it’s just you”
“alright cool”
and then he wraps his arms around your waist to pull you close til you’re pressed together chest to chest AW
he nudges his nose against yours and you close your eyes because your god daMN HEART IS POUNDING AND YOU CANT LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THOSE BIG PUPPY EYES
he presses the sweetest and gentlest of kisses to each cheek and then to the top of your nose
he presses one last lingering kiss on your forehead before he tilts his chin down to press your lips together
it’s so soft and innocent wow i’m going to SHED TEARS WRITING THIS
and he pulls away and you press your face into his neck in embarrassment
he chuckles a lil and rubs your back, leaning his cheek against your head
“hey, you down there”
you say “yeah?” but your voice is muffled by his neck and it’s more like eh ???
“my girlfriend y/n will you be ???”
what the fuck
you pull your head back so you can look at his face which is turning steadily redder
“uh what”
“shIT uh i meant will you uh bemygirlfriend”
your confused expression turns into a shit eating grin and you’re like
“what was that :)))) i didn’t hear you :)))))”
he groans and rests his forehead on your shoulder and pitifully whines out
“please be my girlfriend :(((((“
you pick his face up and hold it between your palms and he pouts playfully
“well how could i say no to that face”
and you smooch him right on those lil pouted lips
“yes i’ll be your girlfriend”
he smiles real big and smooshes you against him aw
wow so now you’re mark lee’s gf
LUCKY BITCH
lowkey you get a few threats but as soon as mark catches wind of that he stands on the statue in front of the school and announces that if anyone has a problem with you they’ve got a problem with him !!!!
and he looks like: ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ
you drag him down while apologizing to everyone in the general vicinity
mark is. veRY CLINGY NOW
i mean no complaints here it’s just
wow
you’ll be standing at your locker when BAM mark is wrapped around you from behind and you get a hey baby how’s ur day right in your ear
in gym class he restrains himself since the coaches are always like LEE KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF
but he always whines after and is like
:((((( but you look so cute in my shirt i wanna squish you
whenever mark comes over you force him to let you draw him at least once
each time it gets easier since you’ve started to memorize the details of his face and the knuckles of his hands and the shape of his shoulders
a lot of times he just comes over to watch movies and talk
he’s not an eloquent guy
(“you all look like pretty grass :)))” - mark lee)
but he gets what he needs to say out and he enjoys listening to you talk about whatever’s on your mind
you’ve started a glow in the dark star sticker collection to put on your ceiling and each time he comes over you put a constellation up there
so you’ll lay in bed and turn off the lights and just stare at the ceiling and try to name them all
soon you’ll just get sleepy though and press your face into his chest
he uwu’s every time :((((
after he’s done being astonished by his Baby™️ he’ll wrap his arms around you and stroke a hand up and down your spine wow
Real Relaxation Hours
your mom will come home and find y’all asleep and then SHE uwu’s and it’s just one big cute MESS
he loves to kiss you right as he’s leaving like he’ll lay one on you then RUN to the bus stop
p.s. maurice is on y’all every day saying he called it AY
his other favorite kisses are when he catches you off guard and just turns you around and kisses you and you’re like
I’m Confused But I Like This
lots of sweet pecks throughout the day and then longer slower stuff when you’re home and alone and relaxing
leaves hickeys on your neck literally just to be annoying
it’s oKAY THO DONT TELL HIM YOU LIKE IT
months pass and youve said your first “i love you’s” to each other and renjun is always like so when y’all gettin married huh
you both SMACK him simultaneously
but lowkey you would marry mark he’s the best and you love him so wHY NOT
but it’s early and you know that and you’re happy with what you have now :))))))
pls love and support our hardworking baby mark lee he is doing his best and i love him goodnight
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legitkerrie · 6 years
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I think that I'm going insane I think that I'm losing my mind I think that I'm changing my brain im feeling new thoughts at a time im meeting my feelings they all in front in an orderly line Hi, nice to meet you its been awhile since I felt you was mine there's no control on you with things that you put in my head so don't call me a coward when I tell you I wish I was dead blame what's created and what's boiling deep in my tummy I just need the right person to hug me and say that they love me anger has made me so ugly hate when I see my reflection hate when I'm lonely and don't feel worthy of human affection I try hard to protect my heart and my innocence but its one thing and then another and I guess i got sick of it swear I'm so sick of it I don't know how im even breathing. After all the times I wrote that letter saying I was leaving my smile ? deceiving when behind it I am screaming my mistakes I keep repeating  but my heart continues beating and I hate it so even in the daytime i wish I was sleeping cause I feel a sense of peacefulness whenever i am dreaming I feel a sense of loneliness whenever i am feening for a reason I should say until I find a deeper meaning most of my friends don't call me unless we smoking and most of these women ain't love me till I was broken finding happiness is like swimming across the ocean I never had the gift of not showing all my emotions I keep my heart on my sleeve and im usually too naive sick of being alone I swear distance is a disease my mom been in the hospital she can barely breath but i'll prolly end up right next to her for smoking all these trees I need some closure cause don't no one tell me its over they always here when I'm faded but always gone when I'm sober i had people that exposed me just to get some exposure I got people with me now that won't be with me in October but I guess thats how it falls can't settle for nothing when I gave this shit my all said you always fucked with me but I do not recall I'm living out a vision that nobody ever saw.
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investings · 7 years
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How can you treat a heartbreak/depression/existential crisis?
My 21 Tips on Keeping Your Shit Together During Depression
1)   Know that you’re not alone. There are people who are depressed, people who have been depressed, and people who just haven’t been hit with it yet.
2)   Understand that the Happy People are usually acting out of some genuine (albeit misguided) concern for you, that it’s coming from a good place, even if the advice feels like you’re being blamed for your disease. Telling you these things makes them feel better, even if it makes you feel like shit. (If they insist on keeping it up, see #12.)
3)   Enlist the help of a professional.  See your doctor. You need to talk about the ugly stuff, and there are people paid to listen and help you find your way to the light at the end of the tunnel. Know that it takes time to find someone you trust even if it is a professional. There are a lot of judgemental scum bags so don’t lose hope and keep looking until you find your person
4)   Understand that antidepressants will only do so much. They’re useful, they’ll level you out and give you the time you need to figure out your own path to getting well. They can be helpful. There are lots to choose from. They may not be for you, and even if they are, they take some time to kick in. Conversely, they may not be for you. Work with your doctor. Just keep in mind tho there are a lot of risks and I can go into them if you want but all in all just do your research.
5)   Pick up a paintbrush, a pencil, an activity you got joy from in the past and re-explore that.  Or, sign up for the thing you always wanted to try. There is a long history and link between depression and creativity. It’s a bright light of this condition, so utilize it to your best advantage.
6)   Eat nutritionally sound, regular small meals. If you’re having trouble eating, try to focus on what you’d like to eat. I went through a whole couple months of just eating spaghetti. It wasn’t a lot and it was once a day but it was something. My weight is something that I have always struggled with because when I get stressed/depressed/ or have anxiety I cannot eat, and it is honestly the worst. However, for the people that if all you want to do is scarf down crap, try to off-ramp it by downing a V-8 and doing #9 for 15 minutes, and see how you feel. Eating horribly will make you feel worse, I promise. Please eat healthy and drink lots of water, it will give you energy.
7)   While you’re doing #3, get some bloodwork done. If you’re low on iron or vitamin D, or if your hormone levels are doing a rollercoaster,  these can all contribute to zapping your energy or switching your mood.
8)   If you’re in bed and the “insomnia hamsters”, as I like to call them, are on the wheel of your head, watch Nightly Business News on PBS. This has the effect of Nyquil.  Swap out your coffee for herbal tea. If you just cannot sleep, try the next tip….
9)   Learn how to meditate. Start by focusing on your breathing. Not sleep, not thoughts. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Meditation is focusing on being present in your body, not careening around in your brain. It may not be as good as sleep but it will give you some rest and recharge you.
10) Face a window as often as you can – at work, at home. Look out into the world. Watch. Observe. Try to find something you find pretty or interesting to focus on. And, handily remember that one in five of those people out there feel the way you do.
11) Cry. Better out than in. Sometimes it’s not convenient or career-enhancing to cry, so find a private place as best you can and let the tears go. Carry Kleenex and face wipes and extra concealer if you wear makeup. You can always claim allergies.
12)  Any “friend” who resolutely believes that your depression is because you’re lazy, because you’re not trying hard enough, who blames you for not bootstrapping out of it- that friend needs to be cut off. Polite (#2) is one thing, but there is a limit. You don’t have to explain, you can just not respond. You feel badly enough, you don’t need their “assistance”. Please just cut negative people out. No company is way better than bad company
13)  Limit your time with people who drain you. You know who they are. Often you don’t have a choice- but you can put the meter on. And, subsequently, be aware of what you’re asking of those close to you.
14)  Everyone has shit they’ve got to deal with. What you have been saddled with is your shit. Recognize, just as you’re not alone, you’re also not unique. The grass may look greener, you may be jealous or envious of others who don’t have to deal with depression, but you likely do not know everything that’s going on with them. So please keep that in mind. Keep a positive mind and remember that everyone has their own battles going on that they have to handle, in a way thinking this way can really let a lot of weight off your shoulders because it reminds you that there is so much going on in this world than your own mind and its relieving.
15) Let go or be dragged. This is an old Buddhist saying. It’s a very useful way to frame aspects of depression. Betrayal, anger, fear… letting go is a process – often a painful and difficult process - but it’s ultimately going to show you the path out of this terrible place. Repeating the mantra can help when you’re feeling gripped by these feelings.
16)  Wear clothes that make you feel confident. SO IMPORTANT!! It takes as much time to put on nice clothes as it does to put on sweatpants. You will want to wear the sweatpants. Fight the urge. The whole “look good/feel better” campaign isn’t limited to cancer and chemotherapy. Or women. And honestly the more you put into yourself that the world can see the more you will get out of the world. People think its so superficial but think about it this way. Yes do not care what people think, but if people see that you don’t put any work into yourself why should they put into you, you know?
17) Avoid fictional drama and tragedy like the plague. No Grey’s Anatomy, no to The Notebook, or anything that won a Pulitzer prize. You’ve got enough going on In Real Life. Comedy only. Or trashy stuff.
18)  Simple exercise, if you can. It can be something as simple as taking the stairs up a flight, or walking around the block. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, it doesn’t have to involve climbing a mountain or running a marathon. Baby steps. Also if you can get into yoga. So many mental and physical benefits.
19) Depression will lie to you. Depression will try to tell you what others are thinking.  That you are unloved and unworthy, that others think little of you or don’t care – or even wish you harm. You are not a psychic. Keep repeating that. “I am not a psychic”.  Repeat..  Repeat..  Repeat..  Repeat..  Repeat. The only way to know what another person is thinking is to up and ask them.
20) If you are well and truly losing this battle, reach out to someone. I’ve been the random friendly-but-not-close person who has fielded the occasional outreach. I like to think I’m not judgemental and generally resourceful, and others have thought the same, so they called and asked. You know someone like me. And they will help you. You can always come to me if you need to vent or need advice. Thats the great thing about tumblr if you feel like you dont have anywhere else to go. 
21) Forgive yourself.  I’m writing out all these tips, and I can’t always muster the strength to even stick my nose outside, or walk up the stairs, or eat my vegetables. Today, I got outside for ten minutes. I will try again tomorrow. And I will try again the day after that.
This list will not cure you. This list will not flip on the happy switch. God, I wish it were that easy. But steps like this will help and one day hopefully get you out of the funk, and you will be more stronger than ever.
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chikotos · 7 years
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speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep
its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 
I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,
its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time
and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So
and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 
and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him
when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack
and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird
n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that
i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk
and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!
and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 
all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right
idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary
sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 
time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind
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Chapter 1 of my thing for brofessor andy (tw there's sui and death and shit)
[put under a cut for length, feedback below] [very awesome tho def worth looking at if ur into spoopy shit]
  Same old, same old. I sit down at the desk and get to work, typing up the data collected today. My colleague comes in, “Do you think they’ll ever let us out of here?”
    I nearly rip my hair out. “How many times do I have to tell you? Never. They put us in here and they’ll never let us out for fear of spreading the virus.”
    “Maybe after the war,” he says, shifting from foot to foot.
    “They don’t tell us anything, the war could’ve ended years ago for all we know. And doesn’t it ever bother you?” My words are muffled by the hum of the cleaning robots sliding up the wall, disinfecting as they go. My voice turns to a shout to compensate. “The fact that we’re trapped in here for the rest of our lives. Sometimes the self destruct button is tempting …”
    “You’d use the nuclear place to blow us all up? My son and me are here as well. If you want to off yourself, go ahead. But don’t bring me into it.”
    “Not a bad idea,” I say, heading to the bathroom.
No pills, no rope. Nothing. The building’s too secure, no roof to jump off of. My hand goes to my chin to think, and my stubble triggers an idea. I grab my razor and sit on the edge of the bath tub and close my eyes. I take a deep breath. The scent of disinfectant fills and burns my nostrils. I lift the razor and bring it towards my arm.
    Bang. Bang. Bang.
    It sounds like bombs are going off all around me, even inside my head. Everything fades to black.
    My eyes open and the lights are so bright. The walls are practically made of light. Something hard presses into the back of my head. “If you do not cooperate, you will be shot.” A guy in uniform says. I say nothing. “Are you aware of what your research is being used for?”
    “No.”
    “What were you doing when we bombed the lab?”
    “About to kill myself.”
    “Why?”
    “They don’t tell me anything. They didn’t plan releasing me. I was nothing more than a number in their equations.”
    “If you work with us, and give you your research, we can promise you freedom and citizenship here, though you will be a traitor to Russia.”
    “Deal.”
    I sit behind the counter of my dad’s record store, scrolling through the news on my phone as a record on the counter spins and Tom Petty drones on about free fallin’. Something about a new disease, World War III is still going on, a new Avengers movie is coming out. There’s no customers; there’s usually not at this time so I consider leaving earlier. The bell on the door dings, announcing that I’m trapped here for another hour. The man says he doesn’t need any help and heads up to the record loft. My attention returns to my phone before the bell dings again.
    A woman walks in, and her face makes my stomach twist. There’s boils and pieces of missing skin. Her eyes have a glassy look. “Miss, are you okay?” I ask. Her mouth goes through the motions, but no words come out. I begin the chew on the inside of my cheek, a nervous tic I developed as a kid as the woman ascends the stairs. A few minutes pass and I hear a scream. I get up on the counter and slide over and make a beeline for the stairs. I head up, taking two steps at a time. The man is laying on the ground dead, bits of his skin missing. The woman’s face is covered with blood and the skin of the man and she lunges at me. I grab a record off the shelf and start hitting her with it, but it does nothing.
    I use the record to shield my skin from her attacks as I walk backwards down the steps. I’m down and I run to the counter. The monster of a woman bumbles and trips her way down the stairs  and should take twice as long to get anywhere. I go over to the record player and rip the stick with the needle off and start hitting her with it. She lets out a scream, but it’s muffled and distorted and sounds almost alien. The warmth of adrenaline courses through me as I hit her again and again, somehow being able to avoid her attacks. She falls to the ground after several minutes. I stomp on her head until I’m sure she won’t be a threat anymore. The effects of the adrenaline wore off, and I now realized the fact that I got attacked by a monster. It’s fucking insane.
    I exit the store and hop into my car. I drive home much faster than usual. My eyes dart around, looking everywhere to see if there’s any more of those monster things in or beside the road. I’m too busy looking for them that I run a red light. Sighing, I slow down and keep my eyes on the road. They play tricks on me and several times I swear I see something out of the corner of my eye. Finally I arrive home, any later and I’m pretty sure I would have gone crazy. It’s late and everyone else is asleep so I immediately head up to my room. I shut and lock my door. I bulldoze the messy pile of video game and band shirts off my bed and into a laundry basket and crawl under the covers.
    Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.
    Damn. I’m going to die.
    I glance at my alarm clock. Midnight, and there’s scratching at my door. The thing that tried to kill me earlier used its nails to attack. And there’s scratching at my door. I’m going to die. Logic tells me I should get up and find some kind of weapon. My instincts have me paralyzed out of fear. Breathe.  Gradually I move my arm. Down to the floor. My fingers make contact with the tennis racket under my bed and grasp it, preparing to fight off the intruder.
Meow.
    It’s not even an intruder. It’s my dang cat. I get up and open the door and pet him. After this scare, there’s no way I’m getting back to sleep so I get dressed and head downstairs. I did my hair and makeup much fancier than usual, if I’m losing sleep I can at least look good.
    About an hour before the bus arrives I sit at the kitchen table eating cereal and watching the news. “Due to an outbreak of a new disease, all schools in the district will remain closed,” So I’m all dolled up for nothing. “Experts say the disease is contained to the state and airports are closing in an effort to keep it that way. It’s recommended you stay indoors and avoid crowded places to protect yourself from the illness. If you develop an itchy red rash, seek medical attention immediately as that’s the first sign of the disease. Now onto the weather.” Somehow the peppy newscaster is able to make even a deadly disease sound alright.
    I decide to not waste the day like I normally would. I go over by the front door and grab the leash and harness that are hanging up by my coat. I pick up my tennis racket and some balls and make kissing noises. My cat comes running and I put on his harness. He’s all black and could easily be mistaken for a dog. He’s huge. 30 pounds of cat, no fat. We head out to the backyard and decide to take the leash off. He could get over the fence, but I don’t think he wants to. I ready my racket and pitch a serve to the wall, the ball bounces back and I hit it again. This time I catch it instead of hitting it again because I feel an itch and need to scratch my back. My nails dig into the soft skin of my arm and it feels delightful.
    “Hey, Lulu!” someone calls from behind the fence I just served a ball at. It’s my friend, Jakob. He scales over the wall like he’s done many times and his eyes travel up and down my body. “Skank,” he snickers, referring to my short tennis skirt. I roll my eyes and throw a ball at him. “Jesus. I’m not here to look at your ass, I’m here to talk about the fact that there’s a fucking zombie apocalypse happening.”
“No, there’s not. You’re so gullible. It’s just a disease making people crazy or something-” I’m interrupted by a scream.
“Welp, I’m out.” Jakob says before going back into his house.
    A waterfall of purple leaves drooping from the willow tree in the yard block view of the neighbor’s yard. There’s nothing on any of the other sides, just forest. I pull back the ropes of leaves to look. My neighbor lies unconscious on the ground. I quickly put Salem back inside and jump the fence. The elderly woman has a huge boil on her face. I nearly throw up. It’s filled with some kind of liquid and I can see something small wiggling inside of it. I forget how to move for a minute, and then my body catches up to my brain and I dial 911. I reach down feel her pulse. She’s dead.
    The paramedics come, ask me my name and if I know anything about her. I don’t. They put her into the back of the ambulance, and as the door close I see the boil pop, and she bolts up, her eyes glaze over.
Then, a guy who can’t be much older than me comes up. Despite his young age, he has some kind of uniform decorated with tons of badges. “What do you know about that lady?” he asks.
“Nothing.”
“Do you know anything about the ‘outbreak’?” The way he says outbreak sends chills up my spine.
“I was in a fight with one of the infected people.”
“Any rashes, itches?” I shake my head no. “Fever?”
“No, I’ve been totally fine.” He grabs my arm and yanks me away.
I slap him. “I don’t care where you’re taking me,but Jakob’s coming.” He’s completely unfazed by the slap and nods his head.
my dude, my bro, this is excellent, i love the way u add detailed description that one can picture easily without running on too long & also how u use subtle things like the narrators possessions to add character. i esp love the bit with the neighbor its such a quick thing but v nasty it sticks with u 10/10
the only thing thats bugging me is the inconsistency with indentation at the beginning of paragraphs/dialogue but idk if thats just something tumblr did? either way very awesome super cool concept u got going here & v easy to read too w/o being overly simple (not that theres anything wrong with simplicity) 
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faithfulnews · 6 years
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Thanksgiving from the Upside Down . . . and Stuffing
Today I am preparing a message for New Day Community Church in Stockton that has a special Thanksgiving Day Service tomorrow, followed by a Thanksgiving meal, and I have been invited to speak. I am not sure if I am more excited about talking during the service or presenting my Thanksgiving stuffing at the meal. And since I am preparing both at the same time, I thought I would add notes on both. Besides, my chef daughter Elizabeth asked me yesterday for my stuffing recipe so now is a good time to share my thoughts on my stuffing and also my message which deals with a spirit of thanksgiving when things go wrong, go upside down, as they did for me last year when I lost my wife of 29 years to malaria in Africa.
First of all, the stuffing. It’s different for me every year and I don’t have exact measurements but I can tell you that the first thing I do is roast a chicken. This gives me the stock I need to add the right taste long before the turkey turns up. And I put the heart/liver/neck etc in a pot and boil it for 20 mins to get even more stock which gives taste and moisture.
And since I am roasting a chicken, I might as well roast a few potatoes also.  I will get a separate meal out of this – roast chicken and potatoes for my family, but no gravy because all the juice and stock will go into the stuffing.
The big players for the stuffing are celery, onion, and meat. I sautée each one separately in butter and throw them into a large bowl. I usually do bacon and mushrooms but don’t have any right now. And my kids hate mushrooms so I am used to not cooking them, but I totally recommend them.  For the meat, I like to mix it up with bacon and different minces, pork is good. I have used some rabbit before for a more gamey taste. But today is beef because its all I have.
The other big player, apart from croutons (which I will talk about in a minute) is parsley. I used a big bunch of it, cut roughly but not chunky. And rosemary needs to be present – thyme might suffice – but rosemary is a necessity. I had to sneak into my neighbor’s yard to steal some but I told them 6 months ago I would do this on occasion and they were cool with that.
But what about that message. Ah yes. The text is Ephesians 5.
8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth)10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. 14 This is why it is said:
“Wake up, sleeper,     rise from the dead,     and Christ will shine on you.”
15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Paul borrows here from Isaiah 60:1 but takes a little license in adding his own spin. I want to do the same thing with this passage. Most people read it in a prescriptive way – a list of do’s and dont’s, which is fine. Giving thanks is a command. Yes. An argument can be made for that and I could make it also. But there is a deeper layer here that I see as descriptive – a pattern, a journey, a teaching on not only what to do, but what happens when you do that. And this is what I want to share tomorrow.
It goes like this.
As you step into the light and embrace God (does that sound too SHIRLEY MACLAINE for church? HA HA) and as you are embraced by God (oooh ok this is WAAAY TOOO SHIRLEY), something will happen to your mind and your heart
Your mind
You will gain perspective, you will be illuminated, enlightened. You will understand what God is up to and you will speak out on behalf of that truth. This will affect your life – you will recalibrate your life, your actions, your habits to align with what you know of God and what he is doing. What is good, what is right, what is true. This will be your new default setting.
Your heart
God will put a song in your heart. That song will play even through the most difficult circumstances. You will have a soundtrack, and its called “thanksgiving” and that will spill out into encouragement to others. Thanksgiving will also become a new default setting. Just like a drunk person is controlled by alcohol, you will be consumed with and controlled by God’s Spirit. This will change your demeanor, alter your posture, define the way you hold yourself and the way you relate to other people. You will be a person characterized by thanksgiving and not a person who bickers, judges, fights, complains or sees life as half empty.  This god-filled-ness will also spill out into other relationships including the way you relate to others, as one who uses your song to encourage and uplift others who need to hear, and as you relate to your spouse and your children and parents – you will be someone who easily surrenders and submits and finds common ground, seeking unity, rather than fighting for or defending your ego.
OHHHH I just took the potatoes out of the oven. They are lovely and crispy. Nothing to do with the stuffing but this will be a great compliment to the roast chicken tonight.
Speaking of the stuffing, I spruced mine up with lemon juice, sauteed garlic, and raisins. I usually add orange zest, and to be honest it really needs it, but don’t have any oranges today.
For the liquid, which is really important because you don’t want your stuffing dry, I added orange juice, white wine, stock from the liver/heart, and stock/juices from the chicken itself. Melted butter also works and I waited until the very end until pouring some all over the top and over the cranberries so they would turn golden brown and not burn.
This is really lame. I spelled the word “THANK-FUL” with the cranberries. You can’t even read it. You need to ask for the gift of interpretation to even see it. But thats OK. I know it’s there and its a teaching embedded into the stuffing that will impact people, even subconsciously, but the most important thing is that it has meaning for me.
Oh yes, those croutons. I took the rest of our bread, cut it up into cubes, and baked it in the oven until it was firm and a little brown. They need to be robust enough to handle the liquid. And I added herbs – whatever I had. Sage is awesome. Thyme is marvellous. I had neither, but, as I say, I used what I had. I also ran short on bread so I scraped off the pizza toppings from the pizza I made last night, cut up the bases and threw them in also. OHH and speaking of leftovers, I only ate half of that amazing Cubano sandwich from Cuban Kitchen in San Mateo yesterday so the ham and pork was also cut up and added to the stuffing. HA!!!!!
Back to my message.
This is my story
Last year I lost my wife. She died of malaria and other diseases. It was the darkest time of my life. I couldn’t sleep alone in a bedroom. I couldn’t make decisions. I lost the other half of myself and after 29 years of oneness with a single person, that is pretty much most of my life and certainly the life I was used to. On top of that I was really sick for a really long time, surviving the diseases that took my wife but basically unable to function for many many months.
And yet, throughout the entire time, I felt God’s presence in a calming way, knowing deep in my heart that He is good, He is faithful, He is patient, He is caring and He will look after me. He knows whats up and that spirit of thanksgiving that permeated my mind and heart was not a drummed up motion of obedience but rather the overflow of truth, of what was real.
Some people think God is distant and occasionally invades earth to bring disaster or tragedy. I see God as near, intimately connected to us and everything else, constantly enlivening and sustaining His creation, always standing guard and protecting us, and yet occasionally and empathetically removing his hand when He knows the time is right.
This is my song
The name of my song was thanksgiving. It was there all the way through the devastating process of losing my wife and explaining to my youngest daughter that she no longer had a mother. I am not being chirpy here. I am not being naive or brainlessly religious. Yes IT HURT. IT HURT MORE THAN ANYTHING IN MY LIFE and I was hurled into the Upside Down world of darkness, solitude, confusion, fear, GRIEF, emotional pain, and loss of hope for the future. I was BROKEN, plunged into grayness, emptied of life, emptied of hope. I am not reducing that reality or downplaying the significance of what happened to me. I am just saying that there was a soundtrack playing the entire time, a song of thanksgiving. And at my best moments, my grief gave birth to gratefulness.
I am still thankful.
I am thankful for so many good friends.
I am thankful for 29 years of marriage to the most wonderful woman on the planet.
I am thankful that I got to say everything to my wife before she went.
I am thankful that my wife got to finish her race and go out in the way she always imagined, in the country she loved.
I am thankful that my daughter was spared from disease and that I have 5 wonderful kids.
I am thankful for a softer heart and new wave of consideration for others. I am a different person  – more in tune with suffering and more empathetic to those who are going through loss.
I am thankful for the next season that is coming upon me and that I have the freedom to enter in. 
This is my dance
Grief has become my friend and my reminder of a wonderful life with a wonderful woman. My grief is warmer now than it was last year. My grief and the grieving process I have embraced has allowed me to push forward into new levels of understanding and awareness. That has given me a softer heart, as I said, and it has also positioned me to be of help to others who are also grieving. God comforts us so that we can comfort others.
When you lose someone, a lot of other people, more than you can imagine, also lose someone. Grief is a shared experience. Our friends feel the pain of our loss but they also struggle with their own loss. They find it awkward to talk to us about it. But the healing we experience is for them also.
A few months ago one of my wife’s best friends lost her husband. This is what I told her.
It’s a strange dance this grief of ours. We hold our own sadness and allow the processing to continue thru it’s various stages, knowing it moves forward step by step, finding firmer hold with each telling of the story, with each new person entering into the story and at the same time we become priests for others who find it awkward to enter, but know that they need to. We hold the keys for them. We give permission. We invite them into the dance and make it easy for them, we suggest, we put their words out in front of them, we show the appropriateness of the conversation, the shared hurt of loss, the rightful pace and flow of what needs to be said. Being closer to the pain and further along in the process, we hold out our leading hand and invite others into the dance, into the spiral of healing.
My hope tomorrow, at the church, is that other people who have experienced loss, whether the loss of parents or children or spouses, divorce (which can be far more devastating than the loss of  a spouse), the loss of dreams, whatever it is they have lost, that they might enter into that spiral of healing, and find themselves in that dance, with God, where the juxtaposition of pain and joy, of grief and thanksgiving, of tears and laughter, might come together to find healing, wholeness, hope, and a song of thanksgiving that will play on and on. Amen.
This is my stuffing
The stuffing is ready. Its not completely cooked with that attractive blackened burned look but I need to take it to Stockton tomorrow and they will heat it up right before the meal and I think it will come into its own at that moment. I might bring some parsley to freshen it up on location. If you look really carefully, you can almost see the word “THANK-FUL”. Almost.
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losewtrevs · 7 years
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‘ I can’t fight anorexia any more. I’ve tried so hard’
Pip McManus died three years after becoming malady with an anorexia nervosa. Her mothers explain how medical aid neglected their daughter
Marie McManus wants to show me the final image taking into consideration her daughter Pip. It was 9 December 2015, and the 15 -year-old is standing on the programme of a railway station five minutes saunter from the family residence. In the CCTV image, Pip is wearing a red hoodie and examining up the racetrack to see if her instruct is coming. But shes not going to get on it.
Everything about “whats happened to” Pip McManus is scandalizing. The cruel acces she died; the fullest extent of her illness; the inadequate response of caregivers to her medical mode, which was cited by an inquest jury as a contributory factor in her extinction. But perhaps whats most sickening is that her mothers, Marie and Jim, were fobbed off and maligned time after time of staff members of the exceedingly healthcare arrangement they so desperately hoped could help her. For the McManuses, “its like” watching Pip die in front of them in slow motion, across three years of hell.
Our large-hearted suspicion, all along, was that she was going to become merely another statistic, mentions Marie. The McManuses desperately hope that their narrative can change what happens to the Pips of the future. Well never know if her extinction[ she was hit by the civilize] “couldve been” frustrated, does Marie, for the simple reason that no one ever genuinely tried to prevent it.
The McManuses live outside Stockport, in a house that Jim, a developer, “ve been working on” in the spare moments when he isnt working on someone elses residence. He and Marie, whos on leave from her profession as a healthcare assistant in a hospital, have three older children. Pip, who was their youngest, was born in the first month of the new millennium.
They were a glad, close-knit lineage, and the siblings got on well. Amid the normal hurly-burly of family life , no one paid a great deal of attention when Pip, who was then 12 and had always been tomboyish, started saying her chin searched more fatty. Nor did Marie recollect anything of it when, on a few cases moments, she discovered Pips jam-pack lunch uneaten in her schoolbag. “Shes had” knew it difficult settling into her secondary school but so do many children. It wasnt until Christmas that alarm bells began to reverberate. She was haunting about meat, supposes Marie. She wouldnt have butter in her mash, she only wanted protein, and she wasnt gobbling anything sweet.
Jim and Marie McManus. Photo: David Sillitoe for the Guardian
Despite Pips protestations, Marie took her to the GP. By this stage, her family and friends had noticed she was losing heavines. The doctor, though, seemed nonchalant. He told, weve got a lot of children these days who are obese, recollects Marie.
But Pip was nervy and invariably on edge; she couldnt tighten or sit still, and it was obvious to her family that something was very wrong. In January 2013, Marie took her daughter back to the doctor: molted lost more weight, and Marie has pointed out that Pip was now activity obsessively the entire occasion( Wed even listen her doing superstar leaps in her bedroom ).
Again, medical doctors wasnt worried; so Marie called in a dietitian sidekick to talk to Pip about her eating attires, and the best interests of has become a healthy weight.
A month afterward, they were back at medical doctors. Marie, by now, was stunned: Id look at her sleeping at night and think, Shes going to die. She was like a cloth doll, and a terrible colouring. For the first time, at this consultation, Marie listened the word anorexia. But there was no talk of infirmary admittance; instead, Marie was told to assure what you can get down her, and put in touch with the local Camhs( child and teenage mental health services ). She remembers remembering, as they left the surgery: Were going to lose her. When they got home, Pip seemed confused, disoriented. She refused a milkshake, and when she attempted to move cereal from a packet, it dissolved up all over the table.
As Marie and Jim narrate Pips story, you get a palpable appreciation of their frustration that, time after time, the medical staff is impossible to take seriously a problem that seemed to them both blindingly obvious and deadly serious. Their subconscious look was that their daughter was in danger yet the people who could help her has not been able to are recognizing that chance. Dream if your child had the indications of a life-threatening cancer, and doctors prevented refusing to take it earnestly, says Marie. Thats how it felt to us. If it had been cancer, united have got the help we needed.
There are many elements to Pips story, but perhaps one of the most important is that as recently as two summers ago, this child with a life-threatening medical situation was neglected because mental health is not prioritised in the way that physical health is.
The next day, Marie took Pip back to the GP once again. This time, plans were made to admit her to Stepping Hill hospital near the family home in Stockport. I envisaged, theyll put a dripping in, theyll commit her flowings. Theyll build her better, supposes Marie.
But Stepping Hill is a general infirmary, and Pip was in a paediatric ward. It fairly quickly was clear to Marie and Jim that she was not get the specialised care she necessity there. They didnt seem to really know what to do with her. We were always asking, is there any more aid? And they would say, shed need to have had three emergency admittances to be referred for more help. We were shell-shocked by what we were up against, adds Jim.
One important thing to realise about anorexia, Marie points out, is this: the eating disorder is necessary that the patient doesnt want to get well. If it had been cancer, Pip would have wanted to get well. But with anorexia, the disease constitutes you want to have it. So while at home, she devoured virtually nothing, in hospital Pip managed to eat a minimal sum of nutrient so that she could go back home there are still, she experienced shed be able to resume her obsessive low-calorie food and manic exercising.
After a month or so in hospital, Pip was exhausted home, into the care of an outpatient team from Camhs. Person would come round to watch her eating, once a day, remembers Jim. But theyd arrive late. And there were lots of silly patterns, like Marie couldnt be in the kitchen at the same time as her, and she had to eat her banquets at set experiences. For Marie, the existing regime experienced as though she and Jim were being accused. I thought we were being classified as turd mothers. I seemed they thought we were useless. One psychologist told him that Pip wouldnt engage, and we were all wasting their time.
Once again, the McManuses seemed trapped: they knew their daughter required pressing help, and they increasingly felt that no one in the Camhs team was specialised enough to provide it. In May 2013, having lost heavines again, Pip was readmitted to Stepping Hill. Soon after, the breakthrough the McManuses had “ve been waiting for” seemed at long last to have arrived: their daughter was moved to an inpatient unit for young people with anorexia, Galaxy House in Manchester. By this time she was a bag of bones, and using a wheelchair, says Jim. Marie recollects how shocked the consultant was by Pips appearance. She was dying. But at the least she was with people who were proper consultants, at last. I envisaged: this is the help weve been waiting for.
For a while, it seemed it was. But anorexia is a Catch-2 2 of medical conditions: individual patients recovers physically, but psychologically may want to relapse. Pip was exhausted home in October 2013, but soon started to lose weight again. The kinfolk strove through the winter of 2013-14 everyone was feeling the tighten. Pip was now attending a special institution. She was still rehearsal obsessively( her feet were in tatters from all the treading she did, remembers Marie ), and she detected guilty about the effect her illness was having on everyone else Jims work was abiding, and there were economic ramifications. She appeared shed given us all these problems, speaks Marie. It was heartbreaking.
In August 2014, Pip collapsed and was taken back to Stepping Hill. Her mothers were hopeless to have her sliced so she could get the care she necessary; but yet again, what seemed so palpably clear to her family still think this is eluding medical doctors. I remember medical doctors saying if she was sectioned it is unable to restrain her chances of getting into the US in the future, suggests Jim. I couldnt believes that I was hearing.
It took 10 eras to get the section. By then, she had been admitted to the Royal Manchester children hospital, where a nasogastric tube was fitted to give her nutrition. Again, the McManuses were made to feel they were part of Pips problem. We were told we could only visit for two periods of two hours a day, suggests Marie. I made: she might succumb, and can I not be there if Ive already been in for 4 hours? This was the antithesis of holistic, family-centred caution; at one point, Marie was asked if she had brought chewing gum, which Pip used as a laxative, into the hospital.
That September, when Pip was transferred to the Priory Hospital Cheadle Royal, functional specialists inpatient mental health issues division for young people, it felt to Jim as though wed won the lottery. At last, he remembers concluding, this is the beginningof the end of the nightmare. We remembered, eventually shes with proper experts. We convened doctors who had empathy and correct to better understand this very complicated condition.
Tragically, though, the help the Priory offered was too late. Although she put on heavines, by the time she was discharged in December 2015, Pip had already been talking about killing herself. Five daylights after she returned home there was a sequence about whether Pip could go to the gym. She went out of the door and never came back.
Marie and Jim say theyll never stop detecting guilty to the charges their daughters fatality despite knowing they fought for her all the style. They have been let down just as much as Pip was let down, suggests Jane Smith of Anorexia& Bulimia Care. Whats most appalling is that Pips case is not just a isolated one I hear from many houses who say their childs anorexia isnt taken seriously early on. The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence recommendations tell early intervention leaves best available possibility of retrieval but numerous families, like Pips, are turned down, often several times, when they firstly seek help, she mentions. GPs cant be specialists in everything, but no child should be losing heavines, and there should be a big red flag for any child who is.
Too many parties, medical staff included, still trivialise anorexia as the slimmers sicknes, tells Smith, and therapy cores are an NHS Cinderella. But anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental disorder and 20% to 40% of those deaths are because of suicide. Its casualties are most likely to be people just like Pip children and young people, most often daughters, imprisoned in the vortex of ghastly mental ill health, and in desperate need of specialist help.
Pip didnt want to die. She wrote to their own families about how much she wanted to grow up and have a life. But, she went on: I cant fight anorexia any more. I have tried so very hard, but it has won me. The tragedy, for her family, is the fact that it didnt have to be that way.
The McManuses are conjuring funds for anorexiabulimiacare.org.uk at justgiving.com/ fundraising/ The-Pip-Foundation
In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support assistance Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Hotlines in other countries will find information here .
The post ‘ I can’t fight anorexia any more. I’ve tried so hard’ appeared first on loseweightreviews.org.
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bbgleeproject · 7 years
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[2/7/17, 10:30:15 AM] Ruthie: (*) WILL YOU BE TRYING TO SHOWMANCE ANYONE THIS SEASON? (*) [2/7/17, 12:11:14 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): trying to showmance is hard because no one woukd want to with me so I probably won't try [2/7/17, 4:17:13 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): also I don't know what to dr about except that I am not winning hoh for my clique lol [2/7/17, 6:18:04 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): dr: Daniel told me to shut up so if he gets put up his ass is grass [2/7/17, 9:59:50 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): when Nicholas won and I am safe, plus safe in bbdarkness so yay safety
[2/7/17, 11:03:56 PM] Ruthie: (*) NICHOLAS WON HOH.  HOW ARE YOU FEELING ABOUT THAT? (*)
[2/7/17, 11:11:12 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): I feel I answered this, but I am glad because I am safe and I am glad for that. [2/8/17, 10:14:01 AM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): so Daniel is digging his own grave I think like he started a fight at 6 am with matthew henning he is so extra [2/8/17, 10:24:47 AM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): there was no personal attacks ruthie :P I am sure Daniel doesn't mean it he clearly is trying too hard to be funny week 1 that's it lol I mean It makes me not want him in this game and if he goes up I want to vote him out but personal? this wasn't really he is just being  extra to be iconic or something [2/8/17, 1:30:40 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): Daniel is so arrogant lol like I got he was trying to be funny it just wasn't funny I- [2/8/17, 1:31:36 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): no one was offended though matthew henning doesn't really get offended we just made it clear that it wasn't funny shrugs [2/8/17, 1:33:28 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): no like I am saying he thinks people were offended I was in a call with people they weren't [2/8/17, 1:33:34 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): they just found him really annoying [2/8/17, 1:34:04 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): and matthew hennings skype is as matthew henning so why would he need to make a new one [2/8/17, 1:34:55 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): no like I am saying I was on call with these people they weren't anyway I am more talking about that bull apology [2/8/17, 1:35:33 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): it wasn't real he knows matthew hennings name matthew henning is matthew henning on skype so to me he is just being arrogant [2/8/17, 1:37:02 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): but yes it has gotten offensive not because of what he thinks that people are "sensitive" but because he has over done it to the point where it's not funny [2/8/17, 1:40:51 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): On 2/8/17, at 1:28 PM, da Divine Damned Daniel wrote: >  i'll call u by ur name but idk id recommend a new skype if u don't wanna be called icemystic1216 like it's matthew henning on skype like does he need proof or something? [2/8/17, 1:42:15 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): On 2/8/17, at 1:29 PM, da Divine Damned Daniel wrote: > and the other girl i forget ur entire name but i'm soz for whatever i did i dunno lol but u were sticking up for ur friend so and I feel like this is referring to me and he knows my name he seems to just want to start fights with people even [2/8/17, 1:43:03 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): i am sure it's for drama in this game but like it's week 1? and he isn't safe from eviction [2/8/17, 1:51:34 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): yeah idk him at all I met him in the bbglee vl i thought he was nice at first but idk if he's ever played big brother before but he can't do this week 1 when he is not safe that's probably why no one is fighting him because I am sure Nicholas will be putting him up [2/8/17, 1:53:09 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): no I get that I love newbies but newbies need a big brother do and don't for week 1 lol [2/8/17, 1:53:20 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): clearly he does anyway [2/8/17, 1:54:06 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): he reminds of this housguest from house of shade 9 who we banned from house of shade because he went really personal on someone after being voted out week 1 hopefully he is not like that after we vote him out if he goes this week [2/8/17, 1:55:24 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): also he just sent a holocaust joke meme and that's not funny at all like andie just said [2/8/17, 2:07:55 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): so he called me a foot infection interesting I only told him matthew hennings name like [2/8/17, 2:08:57 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): On 2/8/17, at 2:08 PM, Matthew Henning wrote: > WHO TF IS CHRISSA IS THAT A FOOT DISEASE IM THE BIGGEST GLEE FAN U BLISTERING FOOT ZIT Daniel said this earlier Mathew henning sent me I didn't see it because I was sleeping [2/8/17, 2:10:20 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): I never personally claimed I was the number 1 glee fan I just said I really love it like what? [2/8/17, 2:24:28 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): I also think the apology about calling me a foot disease was fake but I am not fighting him because he is just gonna be voted out, he seems to have a huge ego [2/8/17, 2:37:34 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): tbh he can do that all he wants I love him ruining his game week 1 lol [2/8/17, 2:41:47 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): a lot of people on the detention call already wanted him gone and Nic wants him gone Ncholas was on that call he will put him up as I said this is like that houseguest from house of shade 9 who was messy week 1 lol [2/8/17, 2:42:36 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): I hope this atleast teaches Daniel a lesson if not I don't feel I can be friends with someone like him [2/8/17, 2:43:10 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): i am never easily offended either to be honest he is a different case [2/8/17, 2:44:27 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): it didn't teach houseguest a lesson as he still went off on people after being voted out and houseguest was 23 sometimes the egos are too big [2/8/17, 2:45:24 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): like if Daniel thinks this is a joke he probably doesn't care how his words affect people [2/8/17, 2:47:24 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): whew I love this game though [2/8/17, 3:31:03 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): On 2/8/17, at 3:28 PM, da Divine Damned Daniel wrote: > ok I'm gonna leave so you can all celebrate and what not, but quite frankly i don't want to be in a group were people get hurt over small things, and i don't wanna be the one to cause people pain and hurt, so I'm sorry if ive offended you in some sort of way but i feel its best and I'm sure some of you will agree if I'm not around, i hope someone replaces me who you all get along with much better and is less 'intense' as me i guess but just letting u know theres a certain person here u all love thats just playing u so i hope u don't make the wrong decisions and no its not christa, emily or connor its someone i haven't fought with or whatever this is anyways i wish u all luck and i hope u love glee as much as i do by the end xxxxxxx ps. elizabeth better get my spot he really wants to be this extra [2/9/17, 10:47:24 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): I don't have anything to dr about except dom and Zach are on the block and that's crazy but I am split on who to vote at the moment lol idk
[2/9/17, 10:53:19 PM] Ruthie: (*) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN YOUR CLIQUE? (*)
[2/10/17, 7:00:19 AM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): so I can't sleep but that's not new lol so I am just here lol thinking about how I am jesse st. james trash but Sydney got him first lol [2/10/17, 8:19:12 AM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): also I will answer: I love my clique honestly I get along with all of them.[2/11/17, 2:08:45 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): Also the best part of that recap is the meninist alliance being the most short lived alliance in bb history we did that
[2/12/17, 2:00:08 AM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): DR: I love Matthew henning zack ruining his chance ata possible hoh sad I hope his week 2/3 curse is broken though, Matthew henning always gets screwed over and it makes me honestly sad. [2/12/17, 2:02:21 AM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): also Julia Roxy is an icon that is all [2/12/17, 3:15:15 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): IS JAY ALIVE CAUSE I HAVE NEWS IF JULIA ROXY KISSES ELIJAH I AM HOH AND I AM TERRIFIED that is all [2/12/17, 3:16:15 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): i love after i wasn't kissed though nic said hi to me [2/12/17, 6:10:41 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): is hoh ever going to end? or will it just go on forever [2/12/17, 6:10:43 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): :P [2/12/17, 6:12:08 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): did Julia pick or is she still too busy [2/12/17, 6:12:11 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): :P [2/12/17, 6:24:10 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): she told me she sent her kiss don't be keeping me waiting :P [2/12/17, 6:34:28 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): I was so close I knew she picked him already for some weird reason she wants nic to be safe [2/12/17, 6:44:15 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): I came in here to cry at how I never get hoh's this is genuinely the saddest I have ever been about losing a comp [2/12/17, 6:45:18 PM] AshleySarah ~Glee Host~: It's ok!!!! U were close!!!! There will be other ones that you can win!!!! It's only week 2!!!!! [2/12/17, 6:45:34 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): no you see [2/12/17, 6:45:42 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): this is the only type of comp I can win [2/12/17, 6:45:51 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): i can't win flash games and other types of comps [2/12/17, 6:46:43 PM] AshleySarah ~Glee Host~: That's why we included a variety!!!!! I promise there are more like this!!!! No skill or knowledge of anything!!!! [2/12/17, 6:51:06 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): i hope so i honestly wish i could win competitions i honestly don't get why i am not good at any of them but then i remember how bad I've been genuinely all my life at games maybe it has something to do with having no hand eye coordination or my autism in general i was never really good at anything ever so why do i get my hopes up that i am now [2/12/17, 6:54:54 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): unless it's something like the kissing one I might not usually if it involves a score I never get higher than anyone else [2/12/17, 7:56:19 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): the issue with comps like normal ones I have at winning I figured it out so I really an inept at math if studied science i'd get an A but if I studied math all I would get is a B, um and so most normal comps somehow involve math so my brain goes into shut down mode because it's not ready for math lol [2/12/17, 7:59:53 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): it's like that episode of spongebob when he became the waiter and cleared his mind and all the spongebobs are freaking out because thy threw out his name but for me the name is math anything [2/12/17, 8:10:32 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): I can't technically even tell time that's how bad I am [2/12/17, 8:10:44 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): 20 minutes when is that idk [2/12/17, 8:11:06 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): yesss [2/12/17, 8:14:34 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): I also can't believe the lit detention chat started because someone added jeff week 1
[2/13/17, 12:08:12 AM] Ruthie: (lips) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ELIJAH WINNING HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD? (lips)
[2/13/17, 12:09:34 AM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): you know how I feel honestly but I hope he is being honest and I am safe this week, I am kind of more over it now and I am happy for Elijah [2/14/17, 12:06:20 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): I truly want my valentine to be my husband Jay, that is all. [2/15/17, 7:20:38 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): people are fighting it's so extra my mood is now now revived [2/15/17, 10:32:31 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): Elijah is so stupid, so stupid because I have a really huge chance of not staying thanks to Julia rae being on the block beside me like who'd vote out Julia rae? no one. and if this backfires on him I will never forgive him he told me I was safe this week, why did he have to take a shot at Julia rae? like she isn't aligned with everyone he is such a bad hoh. [2/16/17, 8:05:23 PM] Chrissa Todd (circleofhappiness host): yep Elijah is dumb that's confirmed lol
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crbrickey · 7 years
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The Last 2 Months...
Oh my gosh! My life has been crazy the last 2 months. This week really sums it up. I have been up 2 days in a row early enough to watch The Price Is Right. For those of you who know me, I assure you, hell has not frozen over. Its amazing what happens when you have a doctors appointment early. But let me talk about my last 2 months, not just my last 2 days. 
For the first time in a long time, I’m starting to feel like my old self. When I started this blog, I promised never to sugar coat or lie about my situation. To be on point with those goals, I must be honest. For a while there, I was starting to lose my identity. I have always prided myself on not letting my disease beat me. I was letting that happen, slowly but surely. I have always been running around with my head chopped off. To me, thats what life is...Living, not staying home and doing nothing. As the winter months turned to spring, I kept being lethargic. I didn't even make a spring softball team. I was slowly losing the will to be me. Thankfully, I sought help and finally got my butt into gear. I always slow down in the winter because I hate cold weather and I try to stay away from the flu, but when it warms up I need to be outside. I wasn't. But, that has all started to change, so what have I been up to? 
Well, in my last blog I was just getting back from a dream experience going to a UFC fight down in Dallas. I believe this was the start of my resurrection. I quickly parlayed my new enthusiasm into making a summer softball team. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I got back out there. Unfortunately, girls are hard to come by, so I had to make a men’s league. None the less, if we can win our last 5 games, we will take 2nd in our league, which in essence is like 1st  (the team in 1st has no business being in a rec league). 
Softball is only 1 night a week. The normal Casey needs more. And more, I have gotten. Early June, Rush and I went down to Dallas for the Truck and Indy car race at Texas Motor Speedway, something I use to do all the time. I haven't been to an Indy car race in over 10 years at TMS. It took one lap for me to realize that is a mistake. That was the best racing I have seen in a long time. While we were there, we also went to the water park. Now I can’t participate, but I still enjoy watching everyone else I’m with have a great time. First time ever going to a park like that with my niece and nephew. It was a joy seeing the smiles on their faces. And to be honest, I am a 32 year old male, its never bad to see women in bikinis (don't judge me). 
Two weeks ago was the moment that truly defined my comeback. My favorite moments in life are usually spur of the moments. My Texas trip was planned 3 days earlier, but 2 weeks ago I even beat that. I found out on Monday night that my favorite band One Republic was going to be playing in Kansas City. I had the option to go down to Texas that week and watch the Rangers but I needed to do something different. So on Wednesday I made the decision to order tickets and go to the concert Friday night. Heck, I even waited until Thursday to get hotel reservations because I really wasn't sure if I was going to do this. I did, and it was an experience of a lifetime. One Republic has always been on my bucket list, and here’s the thing, they still are. The show was so awesome, I want to see them again. Now, my weekend didn’t end on Friday night, Rush and I actually high tailed it from Kansas City to Cheeney to catch the Sedgwick County Fair’s Demolition Derby. We went to a demo derby in Udall the week before and ran into a couple softball friends who also compete in demo derbies. They told us about the Sedgwick County’s one and it sounded like a great time. Let me tell you, the show didn’t disappoint and I’m proud to announce, our friend Todd Morgan won his class. Well worth the trip. 
What I have written is a lot in 2 months. But I wasn't done, last weekend my Rangers were in Kansas City. In the last 10 years, I  have only missed one year of making at least one of the games. I wasn't about to let this year be #2. Once again, Rush and I loaded up Friday to go to the games Friday and Saturday night. I returned to my roots and spent the night in one of my favorite hotels, Embassy Suites, but there was a kicker...I sleep with a pillow made of beans. The pillow is important because it allows me to prop my head up enough so my arm doesn't fall asleep. Well, in our haste, it might have gotten left behind. When we discovered this, Rush suggested we could just go back after the game Friday. With old Casey back, that was not an option. The plan was simple. Go to the game, cheer my butt off, wear myself out, and sleep like a baby. It worked pretty well. I was able to get 7 quality hours of sleep. Considering, I had no pillow, that was a feat in itself. So now it was Saturday and we had 6 hours to kill before game time. Like a great planner I am, I took Rush to his favorite KC Barbecue joint (Joe’s Barbecue incase you’re wondering), and then I spoiled myself with a trip to one of my favorite past times, The Argosy Casino. Yes, I have a problem. Its better to do that then to sit outside in that heat for 5 hours. After another Ranger victory, we made it back home late Saturday night, early Sunday morning. What a weekend. 
Now, I did bite myself in the butt a little this week. Unfortunately, I had a Dr.s appointment at noon yesterday, and had to wake up a lot earlier than my body could take. I do have to realize, I am not as strong as I use to be, at least not  now anyways. (Hopefully this Spinraza will change that). After my 10am alarm yesterday, my body started to shut down at 5 pm, so after a long nap and some Bipap breathing, I survived. Still exhausted, I went to bed still early, only to find myself bright eyed and bushy tailed at 10 am today. Today I feel great, I am over my fever and wheeze, maybe this is the start of a new schedule. On second thought, we’ll see how this plays out. I’m not sure if Price is Right is enough reason to wake up so early. I guess we will find out as the week goes on. 
Now before I leave, I wanted to give everybody a Spinraza update, I am scheduled to be meeting a Dr. in Salina on Thursday next week, to start the process. I will first have to be ruled a candidate, which should be no problem, and from there have to see if my Insurance will pay for it. It is a very exciting time for me and my family. I will keep everybody posted. Now that I have a computer again, I will be sure to blog more often. Thank you MOM!! For the loan, I cannot live without my computer. 
Oh, and one more thing, Lets GO Rangers!! Until next time, everyone have a good one. Enjoy the hot weather. 
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viralhottopics · 7 years
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A Letter To The United States Of America From A DACA Recipient
Whether this is coming from a paralyzing nightmare or reality, its all the same these days.
Here we are: Ive been stripped completely, and am standing naked in front of you, America.
I came to you from Jalisco, Mexico, a bundled up two year old. As a young boy I was told of your opportunities, your universities, degrees and jobs. In your eyes I was an elusive illegal or undocumented immigrant and living nervously became normal to me. I learned to keep quiet, take what I was given, never ask for more, fear police lights and walk around apologetically, existing in a place thats not mine and never wanted me. Who would I be now if none of that were true? I am actively trying to unlearn this behavior.
America, you looked for me for years, and I managed to lay low. I heard about your raids, your power in breaking up families. I blended in as well as I could. I took all of your AP classes in high school to prove to you I was worthy. I had my first degree before I started my second year of college. I worked multiple jobs, paying most of my schooling out of pocket. I washed your dishes; I made your fast food; I served and made your coffee fresh. I let you yell at me in the dining room when your food wasnt ready fast enough. I forced a smile when you told me my English was good. I went by my middle name, Benjamin, because it was easier for you.
I washed your dishes; I made your fast food; I served and made your coffee fresh. I forced a smile when you told me my English was good. I went by my middle name, Benjamin, because it was easier for you.
When I turned 22,you coaxed me out of the shadows with the promise of documentation and protection from deportation, otherwise known as DACA (Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals). I was hesitant, but I gave you my money and fingerprints, and you handed me my paperwork. You followed through with your promise, and drastically changed my life, America.
Here is what being a DACA recipient did for me:
I was no longer naked, and was beginning to dress myself. I finally had a photo identification. I applied to the jobs I wanted. I stopped putting up with the ignorant side of you, America. I told you I spoke English well because Ive been speaking it since I was five. I threw in that I also speak French to shake up your world even more. I took back my name and wasnt afraid to tell you when you mispronounced it. The H is silent.
I refined my Spanish, and worked in a clinic interpreting for patients just like me. I stopped moving out of your way on sidewalks, because I am a person, too. I listened to musicians like Rocio Durcal, Juan Gabriel and Natalia Lafourcade. I intentionally learned to make tortillas, posole, tamales, sopes, enchiladas, rediscovering my Mexican culture with pride.
With this newfound confidence, I became more involved in my community. I worked for non-profits, realizing how easy it is for someone in my position to help someone else. I once was able to call a patient at my clinic to let them know that I got 100% of their massive Emergency Room medical bills completely erased. They didnt have to pay a dime. They cried on the phone. Speaking Spanish, they thanked me from the bottom of their heart. I was only doing my job, but I was removing a burden at the same time. You did this with your Affordable Care Act, America. We worked together on that one.
Last year, I started my dream job as a Graphic Designer. I cried.
This year, Im faced with the very real possibility of losing my job. Of losing my work permit, my identification, my ability to make an income, my home. Where does one go from there? Im peering over the edge, America, and the distance for falling is long.
America, you coaxed me out of the shadows with the promise of documentation and protection from deportation, otherwise known as DACA. You changed my life.
Two years ago my mothers cancer returned vigorously, a tumor in her brain. I managed her appointments, became her unofficial interpreter. Learned to deliver bad news while simultaneously taking it in as her son. I gave her good news too. We dove into surgery, radiation, more tumors, more radiation, clinical trials, small victories and failed medications. There we sat, in the front seat of the rollercoaster that is melanoma. We lost sleep together, waiting for the men in white coats to deliver the latest news. She shared her vulnerability with me while I combed her hair.
This year, America, is the fear of deportation or the decision to voluntarily leave you and never see you again. The inability to be there for my mother when she needs me the most.
Im not offering any solutions, America, because I do not have them. What I do know is that we were heading somewhere with DACA, and now we are taking a serious step back. What do you do with 12,000,000 people with their own unique reasons for breaking your laws to make a better living for themselves and their families? Ive felt guilt for my parents decisions, but no longer do. You see, they did what they had to do, and I dont blame them. They too were young, they too learned to live in fear. This is where we are now, and this is where we start. Your system is broken, and has been for a long time. But the solution isnt to manipulate peoples lives when you want to.
With all of that, I have it easy, America. After all, I speak English, I dont have children, I dont have a disease to battle, I dont own a business. All I have is the desire to stay in the only place Ive known as home for the last 24 years. To not be displaced. To be with my family, my partner, my friends, and the community I have built for myself.
So, here we are:
I am standing naked in front of you once again, America, as one of 740,000 DACA Recipients.
This post first appeared on Medium.
Read more: http://huff.to/2lJULUT
from A Letter To The United States Of America From A DACA Recipient
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