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Season 9, Side Mission 4: One Perfect Shot

Method Acting

SAM YAO: Five, Five, in here! We can hide in these old trailers. [door creaks shut] I knew that garage would be crawling with zombies!

PETER LYNNE: Yes, everywhere's crawling with zoms, Sam! You're not exactly Nostradamus. Eugh, it is really musty in here. Must have been empty since the apocalypse. Five, could you hand me that old tea towel so I can clean the window? [glass squeaks]

SAM YAO: Are the zoms still out there?

PETER LYNNE: Well, I don't see them. So knowing our luck, yes.

SAM YAO: [sighs] Well, at least we've got a moment to catch our breath. See if you can find any useful parts here, Five. Janine always has that “I'm not angry, just disappointed” look when we come back empty-handed.

PETER LYNNE: What are a bunch of rusting camper vans doing out here in the desert, anyway?

SAM YAO: [rummages] Junk. Junk. Junk. Oh? Nah, probably shouldn't eat that. Ooh, I think this radio might be - ! Uh, salvageable?

PETER LYNNE: There's a cluster of buildings in the distance past those dunes. Let's grab what we can and head over there. They look more secure than a rusty old caravan. After you, Five.

[door creaks open]

SAM YAO: I can hear moaning. Can you hear moaning?

PETER LYNNE: Over there, rising out of the sand dunes. It's a... [clears throat] It's a zombified Napoleonic regiment. Huh.

SAM YAO: Are those muskets they're holding? That's so weird! Well, maybe this was a battle sight or something!

PETER LYNNE: Zombies... zombies from the 1800s? It doesn't matter, because there's more coming from the left. Oh, and behind us. Uh, we need to get out of here. Pronto! Make for those buildings, run!

SAM YAO: Look at that! A few hundred meters behind the buildings, it's-it's a whole Roman amphitheater! It's still in pretty good nick, too. This must have been a tourist site.

PETER LYNNE: The whole area's fenced off, though. Five, could you give me a boost over? There's a bench on the other side. Once I'm over, I can pull you both up. Great, now give me your hand.

SAM YAO: That's it, we're all in.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, and just in time, too. The zombie regiment’s arrived.

SAM YAO: Oh wow, that's a lot of zombies. Oh, and just a rusty bit of chain holding the gate.

PETER LYNNE: Uh, the amphitheater looks really sturdy, nice and defensible. Once we're there, maybe we can figure out where the imperial guard came from.

SAM YAO: Yeah, well, I think I might have cracked that one.

PETER LYNNE: What?

SAM YAO: Well, there's a trailer over there just like the ones we found in the dunes, except this one's full of camera equipment.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, a film set! See, I knew there was a logical explanation for finding a bunch of zombies dressed as 19th century French grenadiers in the middle of the Tunisian desert. Oh, bloody hell! More zombies. Are those... are those Roman legionnaires?

SAM YAO: Must be the rest of the cast. Dozens of them, and they're all flinging themselves against the fence!

PETER LYNNE: Well, the costumes are right, but the formation's terrible. Oh, there goes the chain. Time to exit stage left.

SAM YAO: Head for the arena, Five. Run!

[zombies moan]

SAM YAO: Quick, Five, into the tunnel.

PETER LYNNE: Damn it! There's no gate. There's nothing to stop the zoms.

SAM YAO: Uh, yeah, I can see light at the other end of the passageway. It... yeah, it must come out inside the arena. Look, when we've got some breathing space, we can do a McShell, then circle back around here -

[explosion]

PETER LYNNE: What the hell was that? The whole tunnel's collapsing!

SAM YAO: There's slabs of rock falling all around! Ugh, that one just squished two zoms like flies.

PETER LYNNE: Well, it'll squish us, too, if we don't get out of here! Now come on, the end of the tunnel's just ahead. [coughs]

SAM YAO: Daylight! The arena! We made it.

PETER LYNNE: Okay, that wasn't Roman cowboy builders, that was a bomb. It's buried half the zoms.

SAM YAO: Yeah, but the others are still after us. Uh, and now the way out's blocked.

PETER LYNNE: Come on, there must be another exit. These places were the sports stadiums of their day, right? If we just look around...

SAM YAO: Wait, wait. There's someone in here with us. Look, up in the box at the far end of the arena. Is that... is that a camera?

HAYDEE: Everyone, give a warm welcome to the newest members of the cast. I was saving those explosives for the grand finale, but no matter, there are plenty more. At long last, we can complete the picture.

PETER LYNNE: [laughs] Of course. Of course there's an insane director coordinating this whole thing.

SAM YAO: Yeah, no. No, sorry. Sorry, w-we're actually on kind of a mission here. If you could just like... show us the exit?

HAYDEE: What mission could be more important than cinema? And at last, I have three living actors to complete the great work, my terminal oeuvre, an epic history of the Tunisian people.

SAM YAO: But we're not even Tunisian!

HAYDEE: We'll fix it in post. This is the day Haydee Ghazal becomes a name to be remembered. This is the moment that makes it worth all the scorn. All the battles with producers, all the notes, all the... all the death!

PETER LYNNE: Uh, zombies still quite close. Getting closer.

[explosion]

SAM YAO: [coughs] Five! Five, are you all right? She just blew a hole in the arena floor! The whole place must be rigged!

PETER LYNNE: And full of zombies. They're crawling up out of the rubble and they are - [sighs] they are dressed like Ottoman janissaries. Really, could you just pick an era and stick with it?

HAYDEE: It's allegory. The survival of Tunisia through centuries of struggle. Just as you must now struggle to survive.

SAM YAO: Five, look, there's a collapse in the arena wall. If we scramble up the rubble, I think we can get up to the stands.

PETER LYNNE: We have to reach it first.

HAYDEE: Action!

SAM YAO: Here, Five, we can climb up this rubble and into the stands.

PETER LYNNE: Well, we can hide between the seats. That might buy us a bit of time. But we'll still be stuck starring in Zombie Apocalypse Now. Oy, you. Haydee, you've got this whole place wired for explosives, haven't you? If you don't take out the zoms behind us, your magnum opus is going to be short three stars!

HAYDEE: But that's the ending the movie needs, don't you see? I was hired to direct some brainless propaganda movie, utterly worthless. Then one of the undead broke into the set. One bite, that was all it took. Now it's my duty to make a truly great film! A film worthy of the sacrifice. Something truthful. And how can my film be truthful if you survive, if any of you survive? That's not... that's not what happens. In this world, people don't live, they die. However hard you try to save them.

SAM YAO: Ah, I see. I'm so sorry, Haydee. How long have you been here on your own?

HAYDEE: [sighs] All great artists are ultimately alone.

PETER LYNNE: It's no use, Sam. She's too far gone. And the Napoleonic zoms are right behind us, [laughs] and there's a pack of Red Scorpion soldiers pouring in from the left.

SAM YAO: There's another set of steps leading back down to the arena. We can make it, but that's where all her explosives are.

PETER LYNNE: Don't worry, Sam. I have a plan. Follow me, run!

SAM YAO: It's not good. We're just running in a huge circle, and we're picking up more zoms all the time. And the bunch right behind us looks like Aztecs. She must have scavenged costumes from every am-dram company in Tunisia.

PETER LYNNE: We're nearly there, Sam. You see that balcony up ahead? While we're in its shadow, she won't be able to see us. Just for a few seconds, but it will be long enough, I hope.

HAYDEE: I can tell you're tiring. Please, come down to the arena. All my cameras are trained on it. I need to film your deaths. If they aren't preserved in celluloid, how can they mean anything?

PETER LYNNE: Three people torn apart by zoms? Bit of an anti-climax isn't it? How about a real blockbuster of an ending? A man sacrificing himself for Tunisia! For life! For freedom!

HAYDEE: You'd do that? [laughs] Yes! Yes, of course! Method acting, true dedication to the craft! At the moment of your triumph, I'll blow it all up. The arena, me, you, the zombies, all gone! The perfect climax!

PETER LYNNE: Keep that camera on me, Haydee, because we're only getting one take.

SAM YAO: Peter, what are you doing?

PETER LYNNE: Get close to Haydee, Sam. Talk to her, keep her distracted. Five, you run up and around until you're just above her. I can get her to use the explosives to take out the zoms, but you need to stop her taking us out with them.

SAM YAO: I hope you know what you're doing.

PETER LYNNE: Well, that seems unlikely, doesn't it? Now run! Bring it on, you incoherently-themed buggers! It's time to die again!

PETER LYNNE: That's good, Five. I can see you running towards the back of the emperor's box. There aren't any zoms after you. There's so much noise down here, they're all heading towards it. But you're going to be in Haydee's line of sight in a moment. Sam, you are right in front of her. Now get her attention.

SAM YAO: Ah, so this is where the magic happens.

HAYDEE: Don't get any closer. I can't have any distractions while I'm filming.

SAM YAO: No no. No. No, I-I understand. You need to capture every moment of this. Peter's... God, he's surrounded by zoms. Oh, no. No no, he's okay! He's climbed onto that statue of Zeus. The zombies are trying to pull him down, but he's fending them off. Oh, look at that sword work! He’s just like Errol Flynn!

HAYDEE: I haven't seen star power like that since - ! Since... but Aziz would understand. Sometimes a part needs to be recast.

SAM YAO: Aziz... was he your lead? Before the zombies came?

HAYDEE: Yes, he was. He was very young. I discovered him in open casting. His mother didn't want him to do it, but I told her his talents would be wasted outside the cinema. But your friend has even more raw talent! Look at him go! He's leapt from the statue and is running toward the arches of the amphitheater, just where I placed the explosives.

PETER LYNNE: Well, Sam's done his job. Haydee hasn't spotted you, Five. Just run a bit further and you will be in position.

PETER LYNNE: You're almost there, Five. Just a few more paces and you'll be in position.

HAYDEE: It's spectacular! One man against an army of zoms. Now for the climactic explosion!

SAM YAO: Haydee, please. You can't set them off, the blast will kill him.

HAYDEE: I have to, don't you see? There has to be an ending!

SAM YAO: No, don't!

[explosion]

SAM YAO: Peter! Peter! There's so much dust, I can barely see.

HAYDEE: I thought... I thought for a moment, he might survive. But of course, we must stick to the script. Only one explosive left now, the one beneath the stand.

SAM YAO: No, no wait. I can see Peter. He made it! He's striding over the rubble, haloed in flames. Is that... is that a prop sword in his hand?

HAYDEE: He survived? The zombies are gone and he's still here?

PETER LYNNE: Now, Five!

[Five tackles HAYDEE]

SAM YAO: Five, quick, grab the detonators!

HAYDEE: No! Give them back. I have to finish the film!

SAM YAO: No no no, you have finished it, Haydee. Good triumphed. Evil was destroyed. Just because it's a happy ending doesn't mean it's not a true one. The world isn't always cruel. Sometimes things really do work out for the best.

HAYDEE: Y-you really think so?

SAM YAO: Yeah, I really do. You've made a great film, Haydee. One that will last. And your leading man barely has a scratch on him. Peter, that was... amazing!

PETER LYNNE: Yeah, it was one of my better performances, if I do say so myself. Oh, and [laughs] and you, too, Five. Well, the zoms are all buried under the rubble. And uh, [clears throat] we just need to find another way out.

HAYDEE: There's another exit above us. You can leave that way.

SAM YAO: We can leave. You're coming with us, Haydee. We can get you some help.

HAYDEE: I have to stay with my crew. I-I can't leave.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, of course you can. You do want your film to find a distributor, don't you?

HAYDEE: Yes! Yes, of course! A distributor, wide release. The footage is too good to waste.

PETER LYNNE: Exactly. Maybe I'll put it on showreel, just-just to see what happens. I mean, at least one agent must have survived the apocalypse.

#zombies run!#zrs9 #s9s4 #one perfect shot #zr transcript #zrs9 spoilers

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