#zoeisamess

[zoe-is-a-mess]

lil updates about me for whoever's interested!

I'm finally going through the process of getting an autism diagnosis!! I found a new therapist and she wasnt sure at first, but she did some research and said I might be autistic, but I would have to go to a specialist to get a full assesment. I can't afford that right now but she said we would continue talking about it and if she strongly feels I should get a diagnosis, she'll refer me to one.

As for the second update, I went to my psychiatrist yesterday (whom I haven't told about the autism stuff yet) and he said I can grt disability benefits for my bipolar disorder!! This is a huge step, I wouldn't have to pay for any of my meds, as well as having access to free public transportation. Literally a lifesaver!!!

I have to fill out a bunch of forms and submit them, but after struggling for so long I am so happy I'm getting taken seriously and going to be receiving benefits. This is such a relief.

It's also kinda nice to be able to call myself disabled, I always felt like I couldn't because other people have it so much worse, but having a piece of paper saying that is so validating.

#personal #zoeisamess #mental illness #bipolar disorder #recovery #mental health #autism #disabled

[zoe-is-a-mess]

Today my job is having an end of year gathering.

I don't know where or what time it is, even when I wrote my name down on the spreadsheet to let everyone know I was attending.

It is clear I'm the only one who doesn't know this information since no one else is asking. They probably just forgot to add me to a group or something, since I'm new.

But a part of me feels like they didn't want me there. I am taken back to high school when people would make plans in front of me and "invite me" but I would never get the details.

The feeling of inadequacy is back, like everyone knows something I don't, like everyone has already realized I'm weird, no matter how much I tried to hide it this time.

And now I've made a fool of myself by asking for the address. I did get it, but I still don't know what time I should be there. It's far so i'm not just going to take an uber at a random time, hoping it's what they told everyone else.

I feel so fucking stupid by even trying to go... and then monday comes and everyone sees my messages and realises I didn't go because no one told me anything and it's fucking awkward.

#personal #zoeisamess #work

[zoe-is-a-mess]

guess what? I am back my dudes

#but not really #i just missed the chaos that was tumblr #personal #zoeisamess

[zoe-is-a-mess]

almost relapsed in like three different ways tonight..

But i didn't and that's what counts I guess

#yes i am back (temporarily) #personal #zoeisamess

[zoe-is-a-mess]

sometimes a thought comes into my mind like: "Fuck, I'm probably disabled". Because with all the conditions I have, how could I not be, and I have a mini crisis about it because if I am, it's not enough for people around me to consider it so.

For them, I have quirks, and I'm kinda lazy, and "Zoe is always tired, that's just who she is", since I'm somewhat functional.

But I know that if I didn't still live with my mom I would not be able to be a functional adult. I mean, god, I can barely work right now, with my mom doing the house chores, and most of the shopping. What happens when I have to do all that by myself?

And idk what that means for future me, but it terrifies me.

#personal #zoeisamess

[zoe-is-a-mess]

oh no a bunch of bots started following me fml

#zoeisamess

[zoe-is-a-mess]

god i've missed this hellsite

#personal #zoeisamess

[zoe-is-a-mess]

My mom has been making bread almost every day which means I've been eating bread and butter every day but the butter she bought is really cheap and bad quality and I really feel like I'm missing out.

#personal #zoeisamess

[zoe-is-a-mess]

get in loser, we are setting healthy boundaries

#personal #zoeisamess #mental ill health #mental disorder #mental illness #bipolar disorder #mentally ill #recovery #adhd #actually adhd #actuallyadhd #actuallyneurodivergent #actuallybipolar

[zoe-is-a-mess]

Bipolar Disorder, also known as I go crazy in march-april and in september-october.

#personal #zoeisamess #mental disorder #mental illness #bipolar disorder #mentally ill #actually manic #actually bipolar #actuallybipolar #actually depressed #actuallymentallyill

[zoe-is-a-mess]

Can we stop pretending like being bullied relentlessly as a child isn't traumatic??

Kids can be fucking mean, and receiving that can of abuse (because, yes, it is abuse) from your peers at such a young age can shape you and give you a bunch of issues later down the line.

Many people take it as just a thing that children do, but I still remember when I got locked in a bathroom stall and when they stole my food and told me I was fat at SEVEN years old...

#zoeisamess #bullying #bullies #abuse #mental health #mental ill health #mental illness #mental disorder #trauma #traumatic #childhood

[zoe-is-a-mess]

Just ADHD tings 😀

I had a dentist appt at 2:15 I had lunch at 11, got ready at 12 and had to stop myself from leaving the house at 12:45 and literally arriving an hour early.

I ended up leaving at 1:15 and i'm still gonna be like half an hour early.

My time management skills are non-existent. I could've spent the morning working on an assignment but I felt like i didn't have enough time (i did) and couldn't concentrate, even with ritalin 🙄

Also I'm stressed and overstimulated and feel like crawling out of my skin.

aaaaa heLp

#personal #mental disorder #mental illness #zoeisamess #adhd mood #adult adhd #adhd

[zoe-is-a-mess]

Lately, when someone comments on my appearance or my body, I've been replying with "good thing it's not you then".

For example:

mom: I don't like it when you wear make up like that.

me: Well, I do. If you don't like it don't wear it.

ex 2.

grandma: I don't like too many tattoos.

me: then don't get any.

It's so simple but it literally has done wonders for my mental health because it's stopped people from further commenting on my body.

#personal #zoeisamess #mental health #mental illness #bipolar disorder #actually bipolar #actuallybipolar #actually mentally ill #adhd #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder #anxiety #social anxiety #body image #mental disorder #bipolar #actuallyadhd #mentally ill #actuallyneurodivergent

[zoe-is-a-mess]

One easy way to tell if you're talking with another mentally ill person is to say "I showered today!" and if they say "Congratulations!" you know they're mentally ill but if they say "and????" or "ew you don't shower everyday??" you just know they're mentally stable.

#this is a joke #mental ill health #personal #zoeisamess #mental disorder #mental illness #bipolar disorder #mentally ill #actuallyneurodivergent #actually mentally ill #actually adhd #adhd #mental health #mental health memes #shitpost #bipolar #actuallyadhd #actuallybipolar

[zoe-is-a-mess]

Update about me

So, i'm leaving tumblr, not forever, but i probably won't post stuff anymore.

This used to be one of my coping mechanisms when my mental health was at its worst and it really helped me for a while, and i'm so grateful for the community and friends I found here.

However, I am much better nowadays, I have even stopped having regular therapy sessions, and haven't had an episode in about two years. I am also two years sober and three years clean from sh.

I will probably still open it from time to time and reblog dumb cat videos and stuff but that's it.

Anyways I know I haven't been active in a while, so this was kinda expected but I guess I just wanted to say goodbye to my mutuals and give an explanation.

Thank you for these past years and I hope you all have great lives.

Love, Zoe :)

#personal #zoeisamess #mutuals #leaving tumblr #thank youu

[zoe-is-a-mess]

The problem I have with the KonMari method is that I have a lot of clothes that don't spark joy and I would happily throw away, but that would probably mean that I would end up with like 3 tshirts. And I don't have the money to spend on new clothes so I just keep them and wear them even though I don't like them.

My closet is quite small to begin with as I already try to be a bit of a minimalist so getting rid of clothes means that I'll have very few left.

And shopping is such a stressful experience for me, especially in this pandemic environment, that I don't even know where to begin.

#personal #zoeisamess #konmari #marie kondo