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deadcactuswalking · 28 days

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 23/03/2024 (V of BTS and... Mark Knopfler?)

It’s a short week, largely to prepare for what chaos should be coming the next, but right at the top, Benson Boone clenches his first ever #1 with “Beautiful Things”. I know pretty much no-one who cares about pop music on a deeper level likes this song, but hey, if I’m the only person happy about this other than Booner Boy himself, I’ll take it. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Rundown

Given our few new songs, we also only have a handful of notable dropouts to start with, so we’ll bid adieu to the small but decent selection of “Could You be Loved” by Bob Marley & The Wailers, “Angel Numbers / Ten Toes” by Chris Brown, “My Love Mine All Mine” by Mitski and finally, “Disconnect” by Becky Hill and Chase & Status.

As for what’s back, we see returns for “Asking” by Sonny Fodera and MK featuring Clementine Douglas at #73 and, sigh, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi at #68, and then a spattering of gains. Our most notable boosts are for “if u think i’m pretty” by Artemas at #59, “Wasted Youth” by goddard. and Cat Burns at #58, “We Ain’t Here for Long” by Nathan Dawe at #55, “Happier” by The Blessed Madonna featuring Clementine Douglas at #54, “Thank You (Not So Bad)” by a bestiary of enemies to good taste at #50, “Green & Gold” by Rudimental and Skepsis featuring Charlotte Plank and Riko Dan at #43, “Birds in the Sky” by NewEra at #34, “Never Lose Me” by Flo Milli surging high and fast up to #23 thanks to her releasing an album that includes a pretty great remix of the song featuring Cardi B and SZA, and then “Austin” by Dasha at #15, “Lovers in a Past Life” by Calvin Harris and Rag’n’Bone Man at #14 and finally, making his way into the top 10 for the first time, “Scared to Start” by Michael Marcagi at #10.

Our top five this week consists of “End of Beginning” by Djo at #5, “Lose Control” by Teddy Swims at #4, “TEXAS HOLD ‘EM” by Beyoncé at #3, “we can’t be friends (wait for your love)” by Ariana Grande at a new peak of #2 off of the debut, that could grab a week at the top soon, and of course, Benny Boone at #1. Now for our four new songs, which feel like names picked out of a hat and placed onto the chart.

New Entries

#60 - “Been Like This” - Meghan Trainor and T-Pain

Produced by Gian Stone and Grant Boutin

This is a joke, right? Or a soundtrack to a reality television competition, or daytime talk show? T-Pain has grown into his role as wholesome cuddly media figure surprisingly well and a collaboration with Meghan Trainor, whilst demonic, seems to be the best way to seal that position, with this being the lead single for her next album… Timeless. Well, that’s one thing to call your music. Mean jokes aside, hey, T-Pain is here so at least there’ll be some genuine, not as obnoxious charisma? Well, first of all, it’s electro swing, so my first instinct is to step away from my laptop, keel over and die, especially when Meghan starts to singing about how she keeps it juicy and then eventually that she’s “still that bitch”, as if she was ever that bitch to begin with. There’s something so cynical about Trainor’s vocals that I didn’t notice just the true extent of until T-Pain came in with an infectious call-and-response and weirdly-mixed but fun-extruding harmonies that almost would convince me on the entire song if he didn’t have to play to Meghan’s lack of personality, especially when placed against each other in the bridge. T-Pain can sell this as some goofy cartoon clown, but it probably wouldn’t charted without Ms. Trainor, who brings pretty much nothing to the song other than taking it a tad too seriously, despite the fact that there’s no reason, lyrically, for this to even be a duet. Also, Meghan, I’m not sure you can even sing the line about GRAMMYs in T-Pain’s verse on the account of you only have one.

#52 - “Never be Lonely” - Jax Jones and Zoe Wees

Produced by Jax Jones, Mark Ralph, Neave Applebaum and Tom Demac

I actually really like Jax Jones’ producer tag, it’s cute and rhythmic, has a little stutter to it. It’s nice. I have to say more than that, don’t I? I have to acknowledge Zoe Wees’ voice being misued and manipulated to just sounding characterless, I have to acknowledge how this heavily interpolates the drop from “Rhythm is a Dancer” by Snap!, one of the best Eurodance songs ever despite some… regrettable lines. It spent six weeks at #1 in 1992, blocking off Jimmy Nails, Freddie Mercury, Luther Vandross, Janet Jackson and of course, “Ebenezer Goode” by the Shamen from the top spot, before reappearing in remixed form in 2003 and 2008, reaching the top 40 again both times. “Never be Lonely” doesn’t work as an update of the song because of completely different lyrical content that I actually hate, asking someone to tell her how it feels that she’ll always be there for them, it’s really patronising and weird. It doesn’t work as a reimagining or reinterpretation because it goes for the same tone, and doesn’t adopt or adapt any of the original lyrical conceits. The one thing it does have is a Cascada remix. Yes, that Cascada. I have no idea why, but it exists.

#18 - “Going Home” (Theme from Local Hero) - Mark Knopfler’s Guitar Heroes

Produced by Guy Fletcher

Oh, so I guess this episode really will get as serious as cancer. This one might take a while to explain. So in 1983, Bill Forsyth wrote and directed Local Hero, a highly-acclaimed comedy drama that is actually former US Vice President Al Gore’s favourite film. Its soundtrack features a five-minute instrumental piece known as the “Theme of the Local Hero”. I’ve never seen the film so I don’t know how exactly it appears or makes sense within its narrative but I do know it has far transcended its origin. “Going Home” was the first single in Mark Knopfler’s solo career and has become a staple in both his and his band’s live performances, as well as becoming another theme, now for Knopfler’s home football team, Newcastle United. It’s probably the most lukewarm take of all time to say that “Going Home” is a beautiful piece, it honestly gives me goosebumps from its transcendent new-age introduction and excellently distant sax from Michael Brecker, that eventually transform into a very 80s-sounding but still profoundly triumphant jam that emulates the feeling of a journey in the UK pretty well. Maybe that’s what the film’s about, I don’t know. It peaked at #56 in 1983, whilst Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” was #1 - good week for rock epics, I guess.

If you know Knopfler from anything, it’s likely his band Dire Straits, one of the few important British rock bands that hit #1 in the States and never back over here on the islands - their #1 is of course “Money for Nothing”. The legacy of Dire Straits is not something tangible for me or that I’ve ever really understood, their sound was varied and evolved through what was ultimately a very short career. They’re not a legendary act but are still big names and incredibly well-connected, especially Knopfler, who has played and produced extensively for many artists and soundtracks. In January, Knopfler sold over 100 of his guitar and amp equipment at auction and in March, he’s compiled a charity ensemble to cover “Going Home” in support of cancer awareness.

Its status as a charity single is the only possible explanation for why this nearly 10 minute instrumental piece even touched the charts let alone the top 20, but it is stuffed with big names, from rock icons like Brian May, RIngo Starr and Joan Jett and newer cats like Sam Fender and Orianthi to genuine oddballs like Keiji Haino and head-scratching inclusions like, uh, Brad Paisley, who I will only ever remember for “Accidental Racist”. There are over 60 musicians on this record and damn near all of them contributed through their guitar playing, other than Ringo on drums, The Who’s Roger Daltrey on my favourite, the harmonica (that you can barely hear at times - Daltrey’s harmonica should be put to better use), and a few others. You can tell that Fletcher and Knopfler did their best job to try and collate recordings that were clearly from different times, places, equipment set-ups and audio qualities, but this is still basically a meandering pile of guitar overdubs that lasts longer than some full EPs and doesn’t really let you register any single guitarist as them playing. The collectiveness of it may just be the point, to show a united front against cancer or what have you, and there’s definitely a lot to appreciate if you’re an in-depth fan of guitar playing or a guitarist yourself, of which I’m not. I will admit, this is genuinely impressively easy to sit through for how lengthy it is, largely because of the dexterity on display, the fact that the melody of the original “Going Home”, even when developed on in the many ways it is within this piece, is still so infectious, and also because it comes out of not just cynical philanthropy but a genuine passion for the guitar as an instrument. The cover art is a Sgt. Peppers parody of the musicians standing in front of a famous guitar shop in London, and the wide array of musicians from a lot of different genres, eras and even techniques shows how wide and universal this feels an appreciation of the guitar… but I’ll say what my dad always said about Dire Straits (because, really, dads are the only people with viable Dire Straits opinions): “it all becomes much of a muchness.” My favourite of theirs is “Walk of Life” by the way, it’s so goofy. Love it.

#14 - “FRI(END)S” - V

Produced by Connor McDonough and Riley McDonough

V is the latest of the BTS boys to release a solo English single, seemingly leading towards a solo career like Jung Kook, with credits stacked full of Anglophone pop songwriters and production from the McDonough brothers that results in a very serviceable pop song that I’m not sure would get much attention outside of the fact that it’s a BTS member, hence why sales jacked this one’s chart position up so high. It’s not a bad little song at all, in fact I like the distorted guitar lick and the amount of emotion V shows in his vocals despite all the effects, he has a real unique texture against the slodgier indie drums and the infectious bed of harmonies in the pre-chorus. The one way I could see this getting big organically would be that fun albeit gimmicky chorus that makes this an anti-climactic friend zone anthem, though the gimmick wears off after the second time and doesn’t really develop into anything new in the second chorus other than some pretty gross, reverb-drenched spectacle. I usually wouldn’t give this manufactured bedroom pop much more of the time of day but there’s not much in the way of obnoxious performance or toxic lyrics here, it’s just that it really could be any other vaguely bitter male singer’s song. The first most obvious comparison is Joji due to their vocal textures, but Charlie Puth or Lauv could have easily made this work too, though probably not as well as V does here, especially not Puth. God, that would be horrible. Thank God for BTS that this song was never offered to Puth (not that he’d accept a song he didn’t spend 20 hours writing and producing himself, of course). Ugh, enough Puth talk, let’s end the episode.

Conclusion

God, this was not a great week, huh? Even if I’m not fussed about the new version, the composition of “Going Home” makes Mark Knopfler and friends get a lock for Honourable Mention, and it really does end up as the song with the most - if not the only - human passion in this selection. Worst of the Week goes to Meghan Trainor, surprise, surprise, for “Been Like This” with T-Pain, and that’s all. Future, Shakira, O-Rod, Tyla, Hozier, Headie One, Artemas, Cardi B, Lil Nas X, Bryson Tiller, they could all hypothetically show up next week and it would be a big one, so prepare for that and who knows what else? It’s 2024, anything can chart. As for now, thank you for reading, rest in peace to Cola Boyy but we go on and I’ll see you next week!

#uk singles chart #pop music #song reviews #mark knopfler #guitar heroes #dire straits #v #jax jones #zoe wees #cascada #meghan trainor #t-pain

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