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randombubblegum · 3 years

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what do you think he did wrong with gh?

i think there were a lot of things that went wrong this era, some his fault, some just unavoidable pandemic stuff...... (long)

firstly it was a stupid, boneheaded move to leave hopeless for 300. i said so the day it happened, im saying so now. honestly the choice to forcibly distance himself from the “pop punk” label AT ALL was a bad move!! i understand he doesnt like it and i agree with him that parx music isnt pop punk. however their literal ENTIRE BASE is pop punk/emo/alt fans!!!! how many fans do you think parx has that didnt get into them from another emo band or doesnt also like other emo bands??? very few. and have you noticed a huge lack or press/magazine coverage this era??? huh its almost like their biggest friends in the journalism world were ALT MUSIC MAGS like ap, kerrang, rocksound, etc.... hopeless being an alt label it was rly easy to score those features!!! now its harder!!!!! 300 isnt promoing them at all and hopeless put them in times square!!!

also 300 is just a nightmare of a label, a fact that is easily googleable (and that we googled on like. day 1) just look at the merch rollouts this era hoooly jesus.... and their idea of “promo” is to buy instagram ads and? stories on random ppls pages?? like “dm for promo” type stuff??? that being said the way awsten is publicly beefing w them WHILE SIGNED and encouraging fans to harass them is like sooo childish and unprofessional its insane...... how did u not learn ur lesson when equal vision took dd and ent from u..... grow up dude.....

also for him hyping up the aesthetics of this era as better than all other eras theyre really.... not all that..... awstens always been rly good with cultivating aesthetics so to see him drop the ball like this is a bummer :( the music videos are cookie cutter no budget lip syncing vids, merch is the UGLIEST ive ever seen, even his personal aesthetic isnt up to par outside the flashy hair color (but that might just be a personal opinion)......

i cant imagine how hard it must be to be a band during the pandemic but also. my god. the way he conducts himself on social media this era. suffice to say its gone from “cute and cheeky” to like “there is something deeply wrong w the way u are interfacing w the world” and i dont think retweeting fans trying to get your attention by gushing how artistic everything u do is is like... the cool band promo u think.... it is.............

as for the music itself i dunno.... he signed to 300 specifically so nobody could give him any artistic guidance or feedback and i understand that desire but i think the music suffered for it. i think listening to the 5 people you “trust” who also happen to be your friends, labelmates, and/or managers is not incredible for pushing yourself creatively... also just because YOU assign all this meaning to the art u make doesnt mean the art actually conveys that meaning especially if it is abstract..... and getting mad at your fans for not “getting it” is not a good look i think? maybe make music that resonates with more people and more people. will like. connect to ur music.

also i miss interviews where it was the band talking and showing off their personalities and friendship because THAT his how you build a fan base. that is how you make people care about and root for you. waterworks with waterparks? waterparks plays guess that band? waterparks at the rocksound carnival?? that stuff!!! thats how you make people love you!!! other boy bands like bts and 5sos have it figured out, why havent you!!!!! you need to know thats how u got these fans right.....!!

sometimes an album just doesnt do well and thats life. it doesnt mean the album is bad!!! look at folie à deux for instance!!!! but i think this album “flopped” compared to past releases largely in part to the choices awsten made personally and professionally and hes not handling it well at all. not every album is gonna be a breakout hit even for VERY successful bands and thats ok and to be expected but it sucks that awsten put all his eggs in one basket here

i like parx a lot and i care about these dudes deeply (albeit parasocially) and it sucks to see them doing meh, i want them to do well, be happy, have fun, be successful..... its hard to root for people who act like they deserve to be on top and get mad when they arent tho :(

#phew.#i have a lot to say :( bc im bummed #mail time!#neg #long post

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brelione · 4 years

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Marvel Movies (Rafe,Topper,Kelce X Reader)

This takes place about a month after this.

Mentions of choking,fighting,Captain America Spoilers,Kelce being a Disney Hoe

Series Masterlist

You could hear the sound of “Lost In The Woods” from frozen two along with the sound of a car door shutting.You grinned,looking outside your window to see Kelce walking up to your front door.He had been obsessed with the sound track since you,Rafe,Topper and him had watched it last weekend.He swung open your door,pointing at you. “DONT YOU KNOW THERES PART OF ME THAT LONGS TO GO INTO THE UNKNOWN!”He sang,swinging his arms to the tune of the song that was now playing from his earbuds.

You smiled,taking out your phone to record him. “Kel,what are you singing?”You giggled,zooming in on his face. “Bitch,you already know!!!”He said it to the same tune,making you bite your lip to hold back a snort as you saved the video to your snap chat memories.He sat down nexto to you on the couch,pulling out his earbuds. “Rafe and Top are late?”He asked.You shrugged,checking the groupchat to check what time Rafe had left his house. “Kind of but like its fine.Its my night anyways.”You reminded him.Kelce nodded,pulling his legs onto the couch and resting them across your lap. “What are we watching?”He asked,looking up to see nickelodeon on the TV.

You smiled,telling him it was a surprise before throwing his legs off you and going into the kitchen to snack prep.He followed you,not wanting to watch nickelodeon. “Hey,do you remember those brownies we ate when we were little?Like the ones with the colorful chocolate things?”You asked,opening a bag of doritos and pouring the chips into a large bowl.His eyebrows furrowed as he thought about it,grabbing a capri sun from your fridge. “Debby Ryan brownies?”He asked.You turned to look at him,the empty chip bag in your hand. “Do you know who Debby Ryan is?”You asked,laughing at him.

The realization hit him,making him laugh too. “The girl from tik tok!The meme one!”He answered.You nodded,throwing the empty red bag away.You grabbed the bag of sharable m and m’s,pouring the colorful candies into a bowl as well before bringing them both into the living room and setting them down on the table.He somehow ended up laying down half on top of you,the back of his head resting on your stomach.You didnt even hear Rafe pull up,the door opening with him standing with a paper bag in his hand.You missed the way his jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed at the sight of Kelce laying on you,he quickly covered it with a smile.

Topper was right behind him,you turned your head to look at the blonde.You immediately burst into laughter upon seeing the pink,purple,yellow and green striped shirt he was wearing. “That’s gotta be the ugliest shirt ive ever seen.”You grinned,running your hand over Kelce’s curly hair.He rolled his eyes,sitting on the floor while Rafe put the paper bag down on the table next to the M and M’s,pulling out the contents.Sour gummy worms,dark chocolate chips,werthers caramels and a can of your favorite soda.He held the can,sitting at the end of the couch by your head so you could rest your head on his lap.He held the cool can to your forehead,knowing that you liked the feeling of the coolness.

You removed your hand from Kelce’s hair,putting on Disney Plus. “OOH-are we watching Winnie the Pooh?”Topper asked.You laughed,shaking your head as you went down to the row of Marvel Movies.Rafe had only ever seen Iron Man 2 so he wasnt very familiar with the films.Kelce preferred DC and Topper just sucked.You eventually came to The First Avenger,pressing on it.You squealed as the movie started,excited to annoy your friends.

“I have a husband in this one too.”You smiled,remembering your huge Bucky phase in sixth grade that Rafe couldnt quite understand.He had only seen your Winter Soldier hoodie so he didnt really have a good idea of who Bucky actually was besides the fact that you loved

him.During the scene where Steve received the Serum Topper had sat up,glancing between Steve and Rafe. “Am I the only one that sees a resemblance?”He asked.You sat up slightly,Kelce moving off of you so you could turn and look at Rafe properly.

He blushed,turning his head and looking away so you had to cup his face and get him to look at you.He bit his lip slightly,looking down at you.Topper rolled his eyes,regretting bringing it up in the first place. “Steve is more handsome.”You grinned,returning to your place on his lap.Kelce broke into laughter along with Topper,Rafe just a red mess as you continued watching the TV. “Isnt Spencer your husband?And 10K?”Kelce asked.You nodded,still watching the movie. “I thought Spencer was the love of your life?”He waited for your answer.You rolled your eyes. “I can have multiple loves of my life.”You answered,still watching the movie. “Can you pause this?”Topper asked,looking up at you from the floor.

You paused it,a bit annoyed. “What?”You asked.He opened a bag of sour gummy worms,popping one in his mouth. “How many husbands do you have?”He asked.You bit the inside of your cheek,thinking about it.Spencer Reid,Newt,Draco,Percy Jackson,Jack Frost,Peter Pan,Zuko,Prince Eric,Kristoff,Aladdin,T’Challa,Killmonger,Dallas Winston. “Uh...16.”You answered.Rafe laughed,fingers brushing against his chin as Kelce just looked up at you with wide eyes. “Who?”He asked.You blushed,counting off on your fingers. “Spencer,Newt-”Topper interrupted you. “Who is Newt?”He asked.You glared at him. “Do you not pay attention on Movie Nights?Eight months ago we watched The Maze Runner,the handsome blonde boy with the british accent.”You explained.He tried not to laugh at your passion for the topic.

“Draco Malfoy,Percy Jackson,Jack Frost-”You were interrupted again,this time by Kelce. “The animated dude?The albino one?”He asked.You sighed,nodding.Rafe’s eyebrows knit together,frowning down at you. “You have a crush on an animated albino?”He asked.You sat up,looking between the boys. “You’re gonna tell me hes not cute as hell?Dont even act like you’re not a simp for Meg,Rafe.You too,Kelce,I saw the way you looked at Elsa when she let her hair down!”You reminded the boy.Topper laughed,forgetting that you knew all his secrets. “Dude,you were in love with Ariel when you were 10!”You exclaimed,making the boy shut up. “Who else?”Rafe asked,still curious. “Um...Peter Pan,Zuko-”You were cut off once again.

“Birth mark dude from Avatar?”Rafe asked.You huffed loudly,stealing the bag of gummies from Topper and eating one. “ITS A BURN!”You nearly shouted. “You have such terrible taste in men.”Topper rolled his eyes.You glared at him,biting hard on your lip. “Get out.”You told him.He bit back a smile,looking up at you. “What?”He laughed.You pouted. “Go stand in the rain for two minutes.”You told him.He shook his head until you got off the couch,grabbing his hand and dragging him to the door. “You’re being mean so you have to stand in the rain.”You told him,opening the door.

He blushed,stepping outside and into the rain.He would never do this for anyone else but the smile on your face was worth it.Rafe looked outside the window,recording Topper standing in a T pose as water drenched his ugly shirt and hair.Once the two minutes was up you opened the door again,letting the wet boy come inside.He smirked before hugging you tightly,getting you completely wet. “TOPPER!”You shouted,pulling off your wet t shirt. “Dammit.”You huffed,pulling off your wet shorts and leaving yourself in just your bra and underwear. Dancing in bikinis multiple times so it wasn't that big of a deal but you didn't notice their wandering eyes. You turned to walk upstairs to change into new into new pants while top or just stood a blushing mess.

At this point you'd forgotten about the movie and you were more focused on annoying your friends.Topper knew better than to sit on your couch in wet clothes but unfortunately he hadn't brought a new pair to change into. So when you return downstairs in a tank top and pajama bottoms you saw topper in just his boxers sitting on your couch watching the movie.You went to sit on the couch,being pulled into Topper’s lap.When the scene of Bucky falling off the train came along Kelce had become attached,standing up to shout at the tv while you started crying a bit,Topper kissing your forehead lightly. “WHERES THE NEXT ONE?”Kelce asked.You grinned,grabbing the remote and moving on to Winter Soldier.

“Theres like a ton of movies between these two but like we can watch those eventually.”You shrugged,ending up wedged between Rafe and Topper,Rafe’s fingers twisting your hair and tracing figure eights along the back of your neck. “On your left!”You spoke at the same time as Sam,grinning.Kelce grinned. “So thats why you always say that!”He put the puzzle pieces together.When Nat pulled up you saw the way Topper’s jaw dropped,you smiled. “I know,right?Shes like really fucking pretty.”You grinned,head against Rafe’s chest.Topper had began to doze off when Bucky came on with his metal arm,waking up fully again when he heard you whisper “He could literally choke me with his metal arm.”under your breath.He burst out laughing for a reason that Rafe nor Kelce could understand,plotting to use it against you in the future.

Somehow Topper had managed to fall asleep against your leg while Rafe had gotten you onto his lap,your head in the crook of his neck as you watched Steve get the living shit beat out of him.Kelce was on the edge of his seat,completely invested in the story. “Can we watch the next one?”He asked.You smiled,pleased with his excitement. “Tomorrow morning,okay?”You asked.He huffed but nodded,grabbing the blanket he usually used.Rafe pulled a blanket over the two of you,allowing you to sleep on top of him.The four of you must’ve slept in pretty late,waking up to your 1 P.M alarm that told you to take your daily vitamins.You groaned,attempting to move but being held by Rafe.

You yawned,seeing Topper in his deep,drooling double-chin sleep.You flicked Rafe across the head so he’d wake up,the brunette waking with a grumble. “Rafe,you gotta let go.”You smiled,kissing his nose tiredly.He grinned,letting you off his lap.You shook Kelce’s shoulder as you walked by,your shorts riding up.Kelce got up with a groan,the blanket rolling around his body like a burrito as he stumbled into the kitchen.You got yourself a glass of water,putting your four vitamin pills into your palm.He watched as you took them,grinning at you. “Good girl.You want breakfast?”He asked.You shrugged,still tired.Topper walked into the kitchen,wiping his face of drool and carrying the bowl of m and ms.

“Hey,do you still have those frozen strawberries?”He asked.You nodded,watching as he grabbed the bag of fruit from your freezer along with almond milk,whipper cream,hot fudge and banana. “Where’s Rafe?”Kelce asked,his question being answered by the universe when the Steve Rogers look alike walked in,turning on the keurig.Kelce put some bread in the toaster,taking out the eggs and a frying pan and starting to make some scrambled for Rafe,some fried for you and an m and m omlet for Topper.Speaking of the blonde,he was pouring frozen strawberries,fudge,banana slices and almond milk into the blender,switching it on and dancing to the sounds of the strawberries being crushed.As the eggs began to cook Kelce quickly handed Rafe his mug before grabbing a glass,putting a layer of m and ms and whipped cream at the bottom,adding two spoon fulls of sugar,some milk and mixing it all together until it was a colorful slop,pouring ice in the cup before brewing some italian coffee to top it off.

As it brewed he rushed to flip the eggs,cursing when he realised the edges were burnt.He tossed it onto a plate,sprinkling some italian seasoning on it and taking the toast out of the toaster for you.He grabbed a jar of your favorite jelly,spreading a thin layer on both slices,reaching over Rafe’s head to hand you the plate.You thanked him,ripping the slice of toast in half.Topper turned off the blender,pouring its contents into a glass and making a huge mountain of whipped cream before sitting across from you.You smirked,reaching your fork over to get some whipped cream.He gasped,jaw dropping as he stared at you. “So you’re gonna put me in the rain for two minutes and now youre taking away my whipped cream?Do you wanna fight?”He asked,leaning forward.

You used your fork,knocking over the mountain of whipped cream before getting up and running down the hall.He ran after you,grabbing you by your wrist and pinning you against the wall of the guest room,panting.You two stared at eachother for a while,his bare chest pressed against you.His eyes flicked between your eyes and your lips,leaning down so his forehead was pressed against yours.So much was happening at once,you couldnt even comprehend it.But then from the kitchen you heard an argument starting,Topper letting go of your wrists as they two of you went back to the kitchen. “The third one is the best!” “FUCK YOU IN THE ASS,BITCH!”You walked in,looking between the two boys.

“What is going on?”You asked.Kelce looked over at you,spatula in hand. “Which Descendants film is better?Two or Three?”He asked.You shook your head,sitting back down to eat your toast. “Fuck-dammit,Topper!You made my toast untoast!”You exclaimed,waving the uncrunchy bread.Kelce frowned,eyes softening. “Do you want me to make you more?”He asked.You shook your head. “No,its fine,Kelce.”You grinned,taking a sip of your coffee.It was sweet and creamy and pretty good,somehow Kelce always made the best coffee no matter what he put in it.Rafe looked between you and Topper,sensing that something had happened in the room.He hoped that Topper wouldnt intentionally hurt him like that,hoping Kelce wouldnt either.A plate of scrambled eggs was put in front of Rafe along with a bottle of barbecue sauce,making you stare at him in disgust. “I cant believe you put barbecue sauce on your eggs.”You shook your head,taking a bite of the toast and getting excited when you heard a crunch. “Oh-hey,dont worry!It didnt untoast”You grinned,enjoying it.

@sexytholland @28cnn @popcrone818 @fttayla @cherryobx @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @drewstarkeyobx @poguestyleskye @judayyyw @jjtheangel @outerbongs @copper-boom

If you’d like to be tagged in all future JJ imagines/headcannons/series comment with a heart,if you’d like to be tagged in all future Pope imagines/headcannons/series comment with a smiling face,if you’d like to be tagged in all future Rafe imagines/headcannons/series comment with a frowning face,if you’d like to be tagged in all future Kiara imagines/headcannons/series comment with a question mark and if you’d like to be tagged in all future Sarah Cameron imagines/headcannons/series comment with a plus sign.Or if thats too complicated you can just comment whose name you’d like to be tagged in.

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divainity-a3 · 4 years

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annnndddd onnnnnn this episode of: r.iverdale is fucking stupid and disrespectful of every character trait reggie has and makes raven wanna pull out their fucking hair: this fugly scene!

( TW: ABUSE, ABUSE MENTION, PARENTAL ABUSE )

you might think: wow maybe raven likes this! it seems accurate to their headcanons about richard’s abuse n how reggie feels about it and they’ve often written threads where reggie does have a black eye because of his father!. maybe. but the way it’s presented and the way reggie’s communicating it? the fact that he IS communicating it period? nah.

1st of all, archie is the LAST PERSON REGGIE WOULD EVER CONFIDE IN ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS. he even SAYS it in the fucking scene: you had everything i didn’t. why the fUCK would reggie cry to archie when archie is a constant reminder of the loving family he never had and never will have. why would he be openly vulnerable about that shit with the person who made him cynical and hateful of his parents in the first place? and WHY, please god tell me WHY would he take the time to answer the question calmly and not lash out in anyway.

second of all can you PLEASE tell me why ch.arles fucking m.elton, the UGLIEST man i have ever seen, is SMILING ??? WHILE HE SAYS THIS SHIT???? HUH??? im sorry is abuse FUNNY to the riverdale writers? if reggie were to even talk about it period he’d be closed off, upset, and extremely distant. im sorry but i said what i said: charl.es me.lton is the worst actor ive had the DISPLEASURE of seeing on any screen.

let’s go line by line so you can really understand where this is coming from:

“what do you want me to say? that my dad hits me? that he beats the crap out of me over the stupidest things?”

everyone knows im not team richard but richard has extremely valid reasons to be upset w/reggie. not to beat him, but be upset with him. why do i know this? because reggie goes OUT OF HIS WAY to infuriate his parents, not so they can beat him, but so he can have some kind of power in the dynamic. in the household. richard doesn’t escalate to hitting reggie unless he has a pretty good reason, which reggie is usually there to give, is what im trying to say. there is no ‘random outburst’ from richard, it happens and it’s wrong that it happens period.

“that he’s been doing it for as long as i can remember?”

just a horrible piece of written dialogue period but this just isn’t something he’d say. for the most part richard isn’t even around most of the time to do this and yes while it has gone on very long, it has never escalated to this level of visible and long-lasting injury until reggie grew up and “became a man,” a pivotal moment where richard decided he COULD hit reggie harder simply because he was older. which must mean he can take it, right? wrong so the ‘black eye’ shit wasn’t happening for ‘as long as he could remember’ because it wasn’t always this bad. it’s just gotten worse over the years.

“i was always jealous of the relationship you had with your dad.”

he wouldn’t openly admit that, he’s too prideful. why would he ever tell archie that he has something he wants because he runs on the fact that he wants NOTHING that archie has and is therefore superior. this wouldn’t happen. instead he’d call archie out on his privilege for not being able to fathom that his father hit him because his life is so picture perfect. also there’s something to be said about poc families beating their kids and white families babying them but that’s a whole other thing—

“no matter what you wanted to do, he always stood by you. i don’t know what that feels like.”

the core issue with reg and richard is that richard literally just hates reggie. period. richard talks SHIT with his coworkers about his deadbeat son. how much of a pest he is and how much he wishes he could have another son that wasn’t so disappointing and awful. furthermore, it’s not that reggie wants to do things that richard doesn’t like, it’s that he doesn’t want to do ANYTHING with his life and perpetually acts like a teenager as if he’ll be one forever. the IMMATURITY is the issue not what reggie “””wants to do””” because reggie doesn’t WANT to do anything.

“and when your dad died, all i could think was ‘what if it had been my old man instead?’”

i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: reggie wouldnt give a fuck if his dad dropped dead. he’d be GRATEFUL, jesus christ— you really think reggies around here moping like ‘uGh i kNoW my dAd liTerally bEAts tHe sHit ouT Of mE but wHat iF He DiEd i’D bE sO saD i’d RaThEr hAvE hiM aLiVe aNd aBuSiVe tHaN DeAd— NO. reg! has wished! his dad! would just die! since he was old enough to understand what that meant. abuse made him cold and bitter and you can’t! blame him! fuck outta here with that ‘aW bUT i StIlL lOvE hiM hE’S mY dAd— if anyone understands what it means to say that ‘just because you’re related doesn’t mean you love each other’ it is REGGIE MANTLE in this ESSAY I WILL—

#I. ❰ HEADCANONS / METAS. ❱#abuse tw #parental abuse tw /#abuse ment #.... so anyway

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fairycosmos · 5 years

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whats up i am The Literal Ugliest girl i have ever seen im not even being sarcastic i am so fucking disgusting it makes me sick i hate my disgusting full of acne skin, my ugly nose, my nonexistent lips and my fat short body. i want to kill myself SO MUCH but im scared my parents will be sad. do you think they’ll get over it and i should just do it bc nothing is changing and ive been waiting for years for a change and now im 22 and im fucking tired i cant fucking breathe

hey, it's okay. listen, i'm really sorry you're in such a negative place right now and i can't imagine how hard it must be. like i can absolutely relate and i totally understand where you're coming from, but your pain is your own and i won't infringe on it. that being said, of course your parents won't just 'get over' something like that. the trouble with self destructive tendencies is that your brain will do anything to make them seem plausible. it will engage you in emotional, black and white thinking - it'll force you to believe there's no other options, it'll use your insecurities against you to the highest degree in order to blow them out of proportion and make you feel bad. your self hatred is spinning a false narrative about you. i know you know about the subjectivity of beauty, the pressure we're all under to reach impossible standards, the way they sell us these made up ideas about attractiveness because that's what makes money. you can be aware of all of that and still hate the way you look, but recognizing that there is truly no wrong way to have a physical form (regardless of your low self confidence) can really make a difference. clearly this runs deeper than your appearance, i get that. but you must understand that your conditioned mind is not reliable. ugliness is a) an inevitably for everyone since our purpose isn't constant prettiness, b) not set in stone, not defined as 'one thing', and c) not a reason to take your own life. i understand that as a woman everything seems to hinge on that, but you can find comfort and happiness regardless. others don't see you the way you see yourself, and your self perception is all messed up by your biased mindset anyway. it's something a lot of people struggle with, but there IS a balance to be found. i know it's hard, i know. but experiencing this world and trying to appreciate who you are is a million times more rewarding than punishing yourself for something so uncontrollable and insignificant and inconsistent in it's validity. youre not a walking advirtisment, your body doesn't exist to fill a quota. and that can be really difficult to accept but. it's just true, it always comes back to that fact.

you're clearly in a very intense and emotional state of mind right now, and i really don't blame you. when you're sad and dealing with mental issues and you feel like there's literally no way forward, the entire world feels like the enemy. but i'd really really urge you to take a look at your thinking patterns when you're able to, in order to realize how irrational and untrue they are. harming yourself is not the correct response to not liking your reflection. instead consider outside factors, whats influencing your opinions, what you can do to make yourself feel a little more stable in the moment (cry, write, talk to a family member or friend, take a walk.) take a breath, and be sure to remain in a physically safe environment for now. that's good enough, i promise. you're doing so much better than you think you are, just by getting through the moment. you have copious amounts of worth beyond the way you look. you were born with it and it'll never go away. you have so much to offer and to see and you should not allow the unnecessary guilt to take all of that away from you. a whole future is worth so much more than you realize. i know 5 more minutes with this feeling doesn't feel worth ten years without it. but i'm honestly telling you that there are so so so many ways to grow beyond this mindset and none of them involve hurting yourself. you don't have to do anything. you're in control, not your sadness, not your temporary feelings.

you sent this anon for a reason, and i'm unbelievably glad you did. it shows you have the ability to reach out, even if it's through an unconventional platform. so if you want to know what i really believe would be good for you, then hear me out. you need to talk to your parents and you need to look at your options in regards to seeing a professional about this. whether it's through a doctor, a counselor, a support group, a hotline. anything, there is so much available. please please please do not let the self destructive part of you write the idea off as if it's nothing. because your brain will try every trick in the book to make you think it's pointless but trying is never fruitless, not in this regard. you don't have to go into great detail, but i think it could be a real relief if you just sat your parents down and told them that you're having a really hard time, you don't know what to do, and you think you need some extra support. it is completely and utterly natural to be scared, to not want to do it. vulnerability is like that. but it's a much better form of fear than the one you'll feel by staying silent and letting this get worse and worse. the bottom line is suicidal thoughts, while somewhat common, are not normal and are an indicator that it's time to prioritize your mental health. even when everything in you is screaming at you to go the other way, to self destruct. it's hard to care about what happens to you when you just don't but i'm begging you to have some empathy for your future self, alright? that is what you're looking for here, i swear. you're going to be you for the rest of your life and while that may seem daunting right now it is something you can grow to enjoy as you create a whole lifetime of experiences beyond this pain. a professional will be able to get to the root causes of what's going on, while working with you to create a care plan so that you're prepared for these episodes in the future and showing you how to implement positive patterns into your daily life. disentangling your self worth from the way you look is not impossible and is actually very doable through small exercises and patience. minimizing the damage and building from the ground up, awakening yourself to alternative perceptions, is done through communication. it's ok if it's frustrating, it's ok if it takes time. i'm not saying you have to start loving yourself immediately, or that this will solve everything, but it is a great place to start. just making the initial choice to reach out to your parents will make a massive difference. i can't stress it enough, the importance of you realizing that your self hatred and your self perceived 'ugliness' aren't irreversible truths, they are emotional inconsistencies derived from underlying issues that can be addressed with time and small amounts of effort. where you're at right now is truly not where you'll always be no matter how much you feel otherwise. please, if you're a danger to yourself call someone and put your own physical safety first. i'm begging you, it is not going to solve anything and it is not what you deserve. you will find what you do deserve eventually but you have to stick around to see it. you're stronger than you realize. you haven't made it this far for nothing. i really hope you're alright and that you're able to talk with your parents, or that you at least consider it for now. i'm sure they'll appreciate the honesty, and that's where it all begins. just admitting to what's going on, which you've already proved your capable of. sending a lot of love to you, don't hesitate to hit me up if you need a friend. you're not alone.

https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

#tw suicide #anon #long post

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castcharmperson · 5 years

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Speed Trap: Part IV

[Start]

This is by far the longest chapter, coming in at just over 3k. Also the most warning heavy chapter, featuring offscreen violence, kidnapping, arson, and general danger.

It wasn’t his final con, Taako decided, but tonight was his final night. Late nights were always busy, lots of cash to be made, but that was also when real crime tended to happen. He’d been calling Ren so frequently, he was worried she was starting to suspect him. She still took him seriously, always sent back up that he’d watch drive by, but her tone was shifting. He’d hear a pen scratching as he talked, taking notes that he was pretty sure weren’t station protocol. Besides, being around actual criminals was skeeving him out- Taako was may be breaking the law but he wasn’t like them.

He wasn’t like Lup or Kravitz either though, a fact he tried to remind himself of as he took his final bribe for the evening. Whoever this guy was didn’t seem to learn his lesson, speeding off again the second Taako was done with him.

“Asshole.” He should maybe follow him again. He didn’t get a license number to call in- the street lamp was too far away and the sliver of the moon was barely casting a glow. But what would be the point? There wasn’t any more cash to get and the guy had paid a generous donation to the ‘officer spring baseball fund’. No one else was on the empty highway. A little speeding wouldn’t really hurt anyone.

He was already back in his own car, flipping off his flashing light, when he heard tires screech. Turning on his brights along the dark road, he drove ahead only a half mile before seeing the car he’d just pulled over wrecked against the sign of an abandoned Pizza Hut. “What the fuck?”

Taako wasn’t about to jump out of his car and rush in, but something about this whole thing was weird. No one was left at the sight of the crash. Weirder still, light was coming from inside the Pizza Hut. Even if the windows weren’t boarded up, it wouldn’t be open at this hour.

There was a scream, decidedly not belonging to the guy he’d pulled over, and that was too much for Taako to sit around waiting on. He grabbing his flashlight from where he’d tossed it onto the passenger seat, killed the engine on his car, and ran out.

Looking over the wreck showed signs of a struggle. He had to do a double take, but it looked like someone had clawed through the backseat from the trunk. Another scream and he focused on the Pizza Hut. “Fuck, I do not steal enough to deal with this kind of shit,” but Taako crept forward, lowering his center of gravity and keeping out of view from the broken down door.

“Cam, you’ve got to stop screaming or we’re really going to have a problem.”

“Get off me, you sadistic fuck!“ There was the sound of a slap, then of duct tape ripping. Taako peered up, seeing the man he’d pulled over tying up someone apparently named Cam.

“Now now, we had a deal. And then you went and crashed my car.” The man stalked around Cam, circling, as though this was his own personal stage instead of an empty fast food joint. As he turned, for a split second, Taako was terrified they had locked eyes. He dropped down, panting as he scrambled for his cell phone and dialed for Ren.

There were footsteps and Taako ended the call before it could connect. He dodged away from the building, rolling along the gravel as he switched off his flashlight.

“Fuck, I don’t have time for this,” the man sounded put upon, like someone brought rain to his barbecue rather than interrupted his kidnapping. “Lydia’s only a few blocks down, we can walk.”

There was some pretty intense scuffling sounds, but Taako didn’t let curiosity get the better of him. The door to the Pizza Hut was kicked open, and the man was leading Cam out with his hands tied behind his back.

“Listen, Edward, Eddie, come on. Our deal is still good. You don’t have to do this. I can get you anything you want. I’ve got connections, you know that, keeping me alive will bring you so many more-“

“If you don’t shut up,” this Edward guy was so terrifyingly calm. There was a quick movement and Taako caught the glint of a knife. “I will shut you up. Understood, dear?”

Cam nodded and the pair started walking through the grass away from the abandoned lot.

Taako was shaking, sitting behind the corner of the crumbling building, gravel digging into the pants of his stolen uniform. He should get in his car and go home. Get in his car and maybe call Ren. Tell her about suspicious activity by the neighborhood he knew was a few blocks in the direction Edward and Cam were walking. He should turn around and pretend he was never here.

That Cam guy was probably scum, talking about connections, probably worked with this Edward and Lydia duo before they got sick of him. Taako owed him nothing. Taako didn’t owe anyone anything! He should go home.

Instead, he stood, following the pair through the tall grass, hiding in the shadows cast around street lamps while they walked through a set of cookie cutter houses, stopping at one. Cam and Edward walked up the porch, and Taako ducked behind a bush to get out his phone. With one last glance back, he froze. Edward definitely saw him this time. He paused in the doorway after pushing Cam inside. His eyes narrowed, then gave Taako a smile that made his skin crawl. Edward placed a single finger to his lips, winked at him, then turned to go inside.

“I’m going to die,” Taako concluded as he sank back down. He didn’t hang up on Ren for the second time, but he got no signal while hiding in this shrub. “I’m literally going to die.”

There was shouting in the house, nothing Taako could understand, but there was the sound of a car starting. “Fuck,” he didn’t have much time. Scrambling away from the bush, he ran to the door. He didn’t even need to pick the lock, Edward had left it open. “Ohmygod, ohmygod I’m going to die,” he whispered even as he pushed the door open, grateful there weren’t any squeaky hinges, and made his way into the house. It was empty, a lone couch stood with a sheet over it, but there was nothing else.

Lup had taken him to a party in this neighborhood, only a few months ago. Something her boss was hosting or whatever. When they left the party, he and Lup walked around the block to her car and laughed at how every single house they passed was the same. That night had been been full of people and different furniture, but the bones were the same as this house. Taako traced along the wall next to the stairs until he found the breaker box. At the party, it had been covered by the ugliest painting he’d ever seen. The host tried to justify that it was covering the equally ugly metal door to the fuses. “It’d be less ugly if I was looking at the door, ma’am.” He’d said and Lup had to choke down a laugh before she slapped him on the arm and apologized to her boss.

It had been a fun night. He wondered if he and Kravitz had only just missed running into each other.

Taako forced himself to focus, flipping down the switch labelled ‘garage’ just as the telltale sound of a mechanical door started to rise. It stopped, then slammed against concrete. “Old house, old power. Next time we’re breaking and entering for real,” someone who sounded almost like Edward shouted. A door slammed and there were footsteps come towards him again.

“I thought I was pretty clear. Keep quiet about this and we wont have any trouble. This looks like trouble.” Edward still sounded so calm. Taako didn’t think twice before slamming all the fuses, plunging the house into darkness. “Now that wasn’t very nice.”

Taako sprinted for the front door and slammed it behind him. Phone in hand, he tried calling the station again as he ran along the side of the house, ducking below the windows. When the line went through, he could have sobbed. “Ren, oh thank god, get Lup to Mirkwood Court in-“

“Who is this! You think I didn’t see you try to get a call in tonight? Think I haven’t listen to you fake an accent every other week? We do not encourage vigilantism in this city!”

“Ren, listen-“

“You think you’re so clever, don’t you?”

“Ren please! I need Lup-“

“I am going to track your number and-“ Whatever rant she was gearing up for stopped. “Sir, are you okay?”

“No! Ren, there is a hostage situation at 51 Mirkwood Court in Winter county. Please get Lup down here now!”

She sucked in a breath, sound crackling through the phone, drawing whatever dreadful conclusion as to how a civilian could know of a kidnapping. “Sir, please stay on the line, we’re sending someone to you right now.”

“It better be fucking Lup,” he hissed, scrambling around the back of the house as he heard the footsteps crunching on the dewy grass.

“She’s out of the office right now, but-“

“Then whoever you’re sending should pray they’re half as good as she is!”

“Sir, stay on the li-“ But Taako had already hung up. Any more sound and he was going to get caught. He looked back, expecting Edward to be towering over him. Instead, nothing. Then all the lights in the house turned on at the same time.

“We might as well close up here,” Edward said. Fuck, he sounded bored. Was chasing a potential witness not important enough to him? What was wrong with this guy? Taako crouched under one of the windows, watching as a woman of Edward’s height dragged Cam into the living room.

“You wanna do it?” She must be Lydia, Taako concluded, as she brought out a much larger knife.

“Oh no, I got to grab him, you can have this part.” They grinned at each other and there was something sickening about their joy right now. Footsteps clacked closer to the window and Taako dropped down again. “But make it quick, we’re going to have company soon.”

Taako’s hand was over his mouth, trying not to breathe too hard, trying not to sob, not to throw up. What the hell did he care what happened to this Cam guy? He called the cops, did all he could do. Why was he still here?

There was a swish, a slick sound, and a muffled scream that felt like it went on forever. Taako was definitely going to puke if he didn’t move right. now.

He should have ran around the back, ran to his car by the Pizza Hut, and gone home. Instead, he was at the front door again and he kicked it open. “This is the Neverwinter Police! Put your hands up!” He dropped his voice, brandishing his flashlight in a strobe, trying to give the illusion of having a weapon ready.

“Ruining all our fun,” Edward sighed, voice carrying through the house. “Lyd, go, I’ve got this.”

“What about Cam?”

“Oh, well, you know how old houses are. So easy to get lost in.”

There was shuffling, doors slamming, and Taako tried to make himself move forward into the house. Lights flashed behind him, red and blue, and he pushed in further. If he could get through the kitchen, maybe find this Cam guy on the way, and avoid Edward, there was a back door he could-

Car tires screeched and something crashed. Taako jumped, whipping around in a frenzy before realizing the bang was only something that fell over further into the house. Lydia was driving away, it sounded like one of the cop cars was following her, but Taako needed to focus on finding whatever made that noise.

“You know,” Edward started and Taako whipped around again. Fuck, where was he? “These old houses, just the worst electricity. Cheap wiring, so prone to…” A match sizzled and struck. “Bad luck.”

Whatever Edward had been hoping for, this blaze wasn’t it. Taako saw the flames start up from the breaker box, but there was no grand explosion, no dangerous wildfire. The sparks were enough though, the flames were spreading to the floor and smoke filling the room.

“Help!” Another bang, from a closet down the hall to Taako’s right, the opposite way of the kitchen.

“You’ve got to make a choice,” Edward said, and god, he sounded so close, but this time Taako refused to turn around. Fear or foolish bravery, he wasn’t sure which kept him in place, but as the fire crackled louder, he tried to listen for footsteps. “Save yourself, or save Cam. I’ve dumped enough gasoline to burn him alive in ten minutes. However, you wont get out before the real police come in if you don’t forsake him.”

There was a bullhorn outside, one of the officers demanding that hostages be released, that folks come out with their hands up and “We’ll talk about all this, calmly, like rational people!”

Nothing about this guy was ration, Taako knew that. Then again, it wasn’t like he was coming out the front of this house any time soon either. “And you think you’re getting out in time?” If Taako could just hear those stupid footsteps…

“So witty. So brave. Honestly, I’m impressed. If you ever want to quit this fake cop thing, definitely give us a call.”

“How did you-“

“Oh dear, you’re dreadfully unconvincing. Now tick-tock.” A single snap of heel on tile and Taako whipped around, smashing the side of his flashlight against something he really hoped was Edward.

“How convincing was that, dear.” Taako sneered, only enjoying his victory for a moment before more footsteps echoed in over the smoke.

“This is the Neverwinter Police! We gave you a warning, now I need everyone to put their hands- Oh shit, is that a fire?” There was a crackling of a radio as Kravitz called for backup.

Wait, Kravitz was here? Taako could recognize that voice in his sleep, but he would give anything to have misheard.

“Fuck,” Taako whispered. He scrambled back, down the hall, throwing open a closet door as Cam tumbled onto him. “Get the hell out of here and if I ever catch you with those assholes again, I am not rescuing you.”

“Yes officer! Thank you officer!” Cam was practically tripping over his feet, pushing past Taako to run for the back door. He was clutching his hand, blood staining the front of his shirt, and Taako felt sick all over again.

“Officer?” Kravitz turned down the hall and even through the smoke, they could see each other clearly. “T-Taako?”

“Uh, nope. I’m a smoke induced hallucination. You really should get out here, my man. Old houses like this don’t last long under this kind of heat.”

“You’re- you’re not a police officer. You’re a pastry chef and a retail manager.”

“Okay, I specialize in pastries, but I cook other stuff too. Really, Krav, hun, not the time for semantics.” Taako tried to walk past him, tried to get Kravitz to move out of this house. He could hear the beams on the second floor start to creak as they caught fire. “Come on.”

“Why are you wearing a police uniform?”

“Kravitz, this isn’t the- fuck!”

The smart thing to do would have been letting Edward attack. He was behind Kravitz, Kravitz wasn’t paying attention, it would have been an easy escape for Taako. No matter how handsome the officer was, a pretty face wasn’t worth going to jail for, or getting caught in a house fire during a botched kidnapping. Maybe it was more than the pretty face, but Taako was not about to let Kravitz get stabbed. So, like an idiot, he barrelled forward, tackling Edward to the ground.

Kravitz joined the scuffle, but that only succeeded in getting the knife away from Edward. The smoke was thick above them, all the lights of the house flickering in a strange strobe. Taako thought he had the upper hand for a moment. Then he was shoved onto his back. Looking up, he expected death, but it was Kravitz holding him down.

“Tell me you are not working with the Wendor twins!” He shouted, eyes wide like Taako had betrayed him. They’d only just met, what was there to betray?

“The who twins? Look, I’m all for you being strong on top, but he’s getting away!” Taako barely started to struggle when Kravitz released him.

“You’re not working with him.”

“No! I stopped him from killing that other guy. Fuck, who you didn’t see but there was another guy that they took and- whatever! We’ll deal with the details later.” Taako ran down the hall, back into the main living room. He was wheezing, air unbreathable, but Edward was just as affected, swaying as he tried to move to the door, before realizing that’s where the police were and circling back, only to be faced with Taako and Kravitz again. Well, if the blow to the head didn’t knock him out, a concussion was just as good.

Without turning away from their target, Taako moved his hand towards Kravitz. “Gimme your handcuffs.”

“What? No.”

“Krav, trust me,” Taako was already moving forward, keeping Edward’s attention as they circled around the single couch.

“You have done literally nothing to earn my trust.” And yet, the handcuffs flew through the air for Taako to catch.

He lunged at Edward, taking him over the back of the couch. He was hardly successful in keeping him down, but the struggle was enough to get one handcuff on. Edward grabbed Taako’s leg as he scrambled to stand, to get some sort of leverage, and the pain felt impossibly sharp. Another knife? Or was this guy part time Wolverine? Either way, Taako fell back to the ground and Edward rose.

It was distraction enough, and Kravitz secured the remaining cuff. That only slowed Edward. He kept advancing as Taako scrambled backwards until his back hit the wall. A beam above them creaked, a suspended moment in which everyone in the house looked up. Edward stumbled backwards into Kravitz’s grip as the beam fell, bringing a firestorm with it.

“You got him?” Taako asked, forcing himself to his feet. His leg burned, and the stray embers landing on his pants were not helping.

“I got him. Are you okay?”

“Yeah I-” He coughed, bracing a hand against the wall before jerking it back. The heat was unbelievable. This house was not going to stand much longer. “Get out of here! I’ll go out the back.”

Kravitz frowned, but started dragging Edward to the front. Then he paused, and Taako was ready to scream. Why wouldn’t this idiot save himself? “You can’t wear an officer’s uniform. We need to handle this situation.”

“For the love of,” Taako stopped his staggering towards the kitchen. Lit by the eerie orange strobe, Kravitz looked divine. Not the time to appreciate the view, though. “You can handle me all out want later! How about we get out of the burning building first, huh?”

If Kravitz said something more to him, Taako didn’t hear. He turned and limped faster, as more of the second floor collapsed into the living room. Once he was out the back, his leg felt slightly less terrible and he pushed himself to a run. Kravitz would tell the other officers on the scene that there was another criminal escaping and Taako was not about to get caught.

He made it to his car, collapsing into the seat and locking the door. No officers chasing him, no kidnappers to chase. His leg still burned, but he could deal with that once he caught his breath. Taako waited another hour, dressing his leg with the rudimentary first aid kit he kept in the glovebox. No squad cars came his way. However, Edward’s wrecked car sat in front him the entire time. It was just a hunk of scrap metal now, but it felt like it was mocking him.

[Part Three] [Part Five]

Thanks for reading! The hardest part of this chapter was trying to make up a last name for the wonderland twins...

#taz #The Adventure Zone #taakitz #taz taako #taz kravitz #taz wonderland #au #speed trap au #so like. when i was rereading this taako almost feels ooc. cuz this is not a 'good out here' kind of chapter #but i think he's also the kind of guy to say 'fuck it im already dealing with this shit might as well deal with it right'#should i give a warning for cursing? cuz there are soo many f-bombs in this chapter #charmedwords

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poeticsandaliens · 6 years

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Worn Out Souls

Genre: William-centric, post MS IV

Rating: M. For Will’s potty mouth.

Summary: An introspective ficlet in which William is all of us. It’s both my take and William’s take on the last twent-five years of the X-files. What Mulder and Scully are and what Mulder and Scully should have been. I promise I’m not just using Will to bitch about Chris Carter; this has a purpose. Also Scully gets to meet her son in person here, undisguised. Fuck you Chris.

Title taken from "Goodbye John Smith” by Barns Courtney. All of you go listen to it; it’s lovely.

Tagging @today-in-fic.

What a fucking night. He shouldn’t have come back to Virginia so soon. God knows that sullen motherfucker rotting in the Potomac can’t catch him now, but leave it to Lady Luck to screw up his day. One flat tire, two angry rednecks, three close calls with law enforcement. Four different identities. He’s tired of the road.

(Scratch that. He’s not tired of the road; he’s tired of driving it underground. He wants blast MCR and stick his head out the window, his own head, with his own face and not the face of some guy he met in the gas station.)

He speaks to Dana sporadically, offering her snippets of his travels. In return, she answers his practical questions—laundry, cooking, navigation with no cell service. He picks around her thoughts sometimes. If she notices, she doesn’t say anything. He checks up on the creepy-looking blob she’ll give birth to in November. He is related to it, after all.

The Motel 8 in Reston has a selection of static and shit porn, so he binge-watches her memories instead, skipping the part where she’s abducted and stopping before Mulder is. Dana’s life plays like an exceptionally weird series of student films, and it feels wrong to love them.

He didn’t know it was possible to be nostalgic for things that happened before he was born. Long before he was born—the cramped basement office, the coming of age of his parents, the b-movie adventures that quietly led up to his conception. He misses the good old days, when she bickered high pitched and fiery, not weathered by sorrow after sorrow. He misses the good old days maybe more than she does. It’s a strange feeling, to love something long after it ends. But he does, he loves their batshit twenty-something silhouettes in the woods, and he wonders—when did the job they once enjoyed become a lifelong burden? Who decided to saddle them with back-breaking conspiracy and a literal galaxy of problems? Fuck him, whoever he is. (He’s only seen the guy once, dead as a fucking doornail at the river bottom. He feels guilty because he can’t feel sorry for him.)

Dana and Mulder didn’t deserve this shit. They deserved Sasquatch and Loch Ness and blurry polaroids in the forest. They deserved a chance to chase something happier than the magic murder-baby they were forced to give up. They didn’t deserve to live in mourning. None of us did.

It’s bullshit. He hops into the bed with his vape mod, stretches his legs, and spews a fog of raspberry steam into the room. Why couldn’t they live like those nutcases on the Discovery Channel? Tracking monsters in bumfuck nowhere, whacking trees and barbecuing ribs and screaming into the mountains for Bigfoot. It could be fun; it could have been fun; it was fun, but he arrived too late for it.

That’s really the kicker—he wants to be a part of their lives, he really does. But he doesn’t want to be the third grief-stricken, dysfunctional semi-genius sulking about their house. He wants to be a part of their lives before they gave birth to him. It saddens him to see them embrace the mundane, after the wild explorers they used to be. The only people who leave behind the good old days have been traumatized by them. Mulder and Dana aren’t your typical neighborhood couple; even in their utter domesticity, they slice themselves off from the world. They finally get out of the damned car, but only because the car is filled with ghosts.

They wouldn’t want to be normal, if the alternative wasn’t so soul-breaking.

It’s bullshit, he thinks again. It’s the only word that seems to sum it all up. He breathes into his vape mod and on a whim, changes the flavor to blueberry—convenience-store magic, his favorite kind. He closes his eyes.

Dana is standing in the Pacific Northwest rainforest in the ugliest goddamn coat he’s ever seen. Puffy fluorescent blue and fuschia, swallowing her whole.

Mulder has injured himself like an asshat for the umpteenth time. He still kisses her when the clock strikes midnight.

She is dying of cancer. He is dying of a mysterious brain illness. They are dying on the floor of an antique mansion, bleeding into the linoleum. She is dying. He is dying. One of them is always dying.

They’re a pain to keep an eye on, but someone has to do it.

A knock on the door rouses him, and it takes him a second to realize who it is. He’s been so busy unwrapping her past that he hasn’t bothered to check up on her present. Oops. He gets up off the bed, flings open the door—

And there she is. Her hands are shoved into the pockets of her coat (some things never change). Her hair is cropped to her neck, left mussed and untamed. She looks at him with those seen-some-shit blue eyes, wider now that the razor’s edges of her face have smoothed. Her baby belly pokes softly out her coat in a taut grey t-shirt. The kid is the size of a grapefruit. He Googled it yesterday. It unnerves him, how silently babies grow. Amoebic little creatures developing into people—and in his case, back into creatures again.

“You shouldn’t say that about yourself, Will.”

So she speaks, doesn’t just stare desperately at things with that haunted look in her eye. Who knew. She cocks her eyebrow at him.

“I speak what’s on my mind,” she says. It probably comes out sharper than she intended, because a sigh escapes her lips. She takes in the plane his face. He lets her. Her eyes settles on the vape mod in his hand. She snorts, doesn’t say anything, doesn’t judge him.

“Can I hug you, Will?” She asks breathlessly.

He nods dumbly, and she wraps her arms around him, a foot shorter than he is. She is warm, fragile and kevlar-tough at the same time. She is a comfort. She smells of citrus shampoo. Her rounded abdomen presses against his side, his sister, and it’s the singular weirdest thing he’s ever felt.

“I’m fine,” he assures her, because he’s not sure what else to say. “I knew you were coming.”

“I heard you in my head all morning, what did you expect?” She’s right—he’s living in her brain, and his sister is living in her womb, and he can’t help but feel like neither of them have earned a right to be there. They have the privilege to be. That’s what he’ll tell the kid when she gets older, that it’s a privilege to be. A privilege to love. It’s a pain, and it’s a privilege, because it’s a miracle any of them lived long enough to love at all.

Allowing himself a slight smile, he gestures to the crappy motel room she has seen a thousand of before. “Come inside.”

#the x-files #txf fanfic #Dana Scully #fox mulder #William Scully #jackson van de kamp #william-centric #I was emotional #post ms iv #babyfic #kind of #bullshit

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logisticalandrewthinks-blog · 2 years

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23, i want to die

so today is march 11th 2022. on this day 23 years ago i was born. idk, i dont understand why i am the way i am right now. i want to just pass away, holy shit im actually tearing up typing lmao. like literally nothing is wrong and yet everything is wrong.

i think ive lost everyone, like i dont know like i cant think of a single person i could ever tell my troubles to anymore, i dont feel like theres a safe space that exists. like the thing is, its like sure i could say to someone, oh i have no safe space, and they would obviously say, well this is a safe space. but thats like the expected response, they cant exactly tell you to fuck off after you’ve basically just emotionally blackmailed them into saynig it, idk, like every person i just wish i was more desrired/loved, not like in an actual romantic or sexual sense, but just i wish people would actually like me for me. instead it feels as though everyone is just conveniently trying to pretend that they enjoy my company my garbage boring personality and just try and get along with me since im already there. but like all of this is like i could never tell anyone any of this because, well, whoever id tell would probably be under that umbrella group. i wonder if i could just go outside find a random person and just tell them everything, just tell them how hated by life i feel like, and how much i wish there was an off switch, or a reset or something, just not this. but i am afraid ofc of death, most people fear death, it takes great courage to take your own life and im a coward, ive never done anything in my life that could be seen as brave or good or anything, idk i just want to cry everything away, i just want to scream i just want to be free of all of this. why is it so hard. when it isnt. why is it so painful when it shouldnt be, why do i want to die, when i also want nothing more thant o live more than anyone else. doesnt even make sense what im typing does it?, i feel like im going to be one of those people who develop a neurological disorder like schizo or dementia or something and itll be like these ramblings except ill actually say them out loud.

Lately i just dont feel like at all loved, by anyone or anything, i just cant seem to find the ability to like be at all optimistic. like in my life i never had many friends right, but i was fine with that but i had like closer friends who i really appreciated. but now i feel like everyones just a stranger, i feel as though nobody actually wants me there to exist in the same spaces i dont know why, theres literally nothing anyone that anybody could say to like convince me out of it as well, even if theres literally no evidence for why i feel the way i do, i dont even know, am i even being truthful, perhaps im lying to myself right now. i just sometimes look at friends hanging out and think, i cant bother these people, i cant do anything, i cant say anything, these people wouldnt want me to ruin the atmosphere with my presence, i am just so sick of myself, why am i the way i am. im not funny really, if i am its just shock edgy humor that gets old, im not particularly pleasant to look at, id even go as far as to say bordering just above ugly, like i dont think im literally the ugliest thing but i know that out of 10 im like a fuckin 4 or something, like i wear clothes to cover myself because i dont like the way i look most of the time. im not smart, be it academically or socially. i have no motivation to do anything in life, i have no reasons for people wanting to hang out with me, i dont know why someone would want to talk to me unless they dont have a better choice/they literally have nothing else.

im slightly scared im going to harm myself again, but also slightly excited? its an interesting dichotomy. i wish this feeling that im doing everything for attention would go away too, cause i think its true, on some level im lying to myself i think that oh i dont want attention, but idk if literally everyone changed and suddenly life got brighter with everyone actually wanting my presence than i. no yea its definitely attention, im attention starved or attention insecure? but i could never say anything, internalising these emotions is the only like right thing to do, externalising them onto other people and even worse projecting my worst views of people onto others is toxic and just garbage, i wNAT TOAT OASDIDE I WANT TO DIE I WNT TO DIE POEKASE LET IT END FUCJK THIS SHIT EXISTENCE I HATE I HATE I HATE I HTAE H0 ATE I HTAE I HATE H THAET I HATE HIANHTEHTHATHETHAEHHATEHAHAETHAEHTHATEHAETHTHNIGSAPINJSNPIJFSNIVF-OINFSA-OINAGSOIJ-GSAÓÍSGVBFWCGDCRGS DARCSGFDebfEQGX LKfdeq rxngr2

NOBODY LOVES YOU, NOBODY LIKES YOU NOBODY WANTS TO TOLERATE YOUR EXISTENCE WHY DO YOU EXIST, YOU EXIST LITERALLY FOR 0 YOU RETARDED FUCK KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS SKYYSK YSYS KYSKYSKYSKKYKYSKYKSKYSKYSKYSKKYSKYSKSYKSYKSKYSKYSKKYKSYKSYKSYKSYKJ PNAFSDÓVKBFGSAM GR

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