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#you know that very specific kind of loneliness that comes from being around people who don't understand you
bengiyo · 7 months
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The Knowing: Being Queer in BL
I’ve been talking about The Knowing a lot lately with @lurkingshan @waitmyturtles @ginnymoonbeam and @shortpplfedup and so I felt it was time to gather all those thoughts into one place.
I define The Knowing as “growing up and suffering with the knowledge that you are queer (specifically that you are not like other kids) and understanding that you must keep that knowledge to yourself.”
Part of what initially drew me to BL was how often many of these shows took place in what @absolutebl calls “The Bubble” where cultural and structural homophobia is less prevalent or nonexistent. Many of these stories are about guys learning something about themselves for the first time when it comes to being attracted to other men. However, I always find myself drawn to the characters that clearly Knew who they were a long time ago. What’s interesting about these characters is that many of them carry an intense sadness and loneliness that plagues them and their relationships.
I am in my mid-30s. I’ve had to unlearn a lot of language over the decades. When I first realized I was different from other kids I was eight years old. I was a lot like Chiron in Moonlight (2016) asking the question, “What’s a faggot?” I wish I’d had someone like Juan around to say, “A faggot is a word used to make gay people feel bad.” To which Chiron asked, “Am I a faggot?” and Juan quickly corrected. “Nah. You can be gay, but you ain’t gotta let nobody call you no faggot.” I know it’s hard for some of you to read slurs written out so plainly, but I grew up with them being part of the day-to-day language used by kids around me. If you instinctively recoiled at me typing the word four times, imagine experiencing that constantly for your entire adolescence while also fearing the consequences of being discovered by your peers. That’s what I survived. That’s what some of these boys survived.
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Before I learned other words, I thought I was weird or broken. I knew I was drawn to boys before I even hit puberty, but I didn’t have language for existing on the ace-spectrum until I joined Tumblr in the early 2010s. Before that I just thought there was something wrong with me. When we see a character in BL who has clearly been gay for a long time, I find myself examining the environment around them to see if they suffered The Knowing.
The worst part of The Knowing is for the boys who can pass as straight if they try hard enough. I always talk about how I think femmes are stronger than those of us (like me) who can pass. They face the public scrutiny of being queer and the danger of that constantly. People like me often go unnoticed unless we’re amongst our peers or explicitly tell people who we are.
I’m writing this post as a love letter to the boys who suffered the Knowing. Sometimes these characters get a bad reputation in fandom for being boring or sad sacks, but they are the characters I love the most. I’d like to talk about some of my favorite boys who Knew. Unsurprisingly, the exact kind of melancholy Japan is willing to play with means they have strong presence on this list.
Korn (Until We Meet Again)
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Korn is the character who began my discussion about this in a conversation with @wen-kexing-apologist about Kao’s acting. I pointed out that the saddest thing about Korn in Until We Meet Again is that he knew what he was going to do the entire time. The tragedy of UWMA is that Korn loved Intouch and let him in, and unfortunately learned that Intouch’s love couldn’t fix the horrors that plagued him. You can see it in Kao’s eyes for the entire show whenever we see the In and Korn flashbacks. He suffers under the weight of masculine expectation and crumbles.
The Entire Cast of What Did You Eat Yesterday?
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WDYEY is all about characters who Knew. Kenji and Wataru may have been unable to pass and have chosen to accept who they are, but we know Wataru suffered for it because of his feelings about family. Shiro hid who he was for a very long time, and still hides it from most people. His trauma from The Knowing regularly threatens his relationship with Kenji. Kohinata also clearly knew who he was the entire time, and works diligently for the life he’s built for himself. So much of this show is about being gay in a world that does not value us.
Book, Christina, and Yok (Make It Right)
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Book is actively victimized because of The Knowing. He left his previous school and doesn’t live with his family because he was outed by a past boyfriend, and is disowned after revenge porn of him is posted.
Both Chrstina and Yok are femme and cannot pass. Unlike many of the boys in this show figuring out who they are, they are trying to survive without losing themselves.
Li Ming (Moonlight Chicken)
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Li Ming has a gay uncle and still suffers The Knowing. He is hiding his attraction from everyone until he develops feelings for Heart.
Itou Akira (Life: Love on the Line)
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We experienced the entire arc of this man’s life and how much The Knowing crushed him. This is probably the most The Knowing character on the list.
Oumi Mitsuru (Eternal Yesterday)
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Oumi has such a frank expression of The Knowing and how much it hurts that he likes Koichi but feels like he can’t express it.
Takahashi Satoru (Koisenu Futari)
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The man literally blogs about The Knowing, and it’s how Sakuko began to understand herself. He has a questionnaire prepared to help you figure out how long you’ve Known.
Ren (Tokyo in April Is…)
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I wrote multiple posts about Ren and his experience with The Knowing. So much of what goes wrong for them is because Ren couldn’t believe that Kazuma could like him, too, and he knowingly faced the consequences of being discovered to save Kazuma’s life.
Pete (Love by Chance)
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Pete knows who he is and can’t change it. Trump uses this against him. Pete doesn’t want Ae to be gay like him and suffer with the realities of being a Known Gay. Pete has one of the first coming out scenes in BL that I really enjoyed.
Cairo (Gameboys)
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Cairo was clearly struggling with Knowing, and his close friend took his coming out from him. Cairo is a brat, but goddamn do I appreciate some of his angst.
See-eiw (My Only 12%)
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He watched The Love of Siam (2007) and had a complete emotional breakdown as he was finally able to name his feelings for Cake. Top-tier expression of The Knowing.
Shin (3 Will Be Free)
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I mean, we don’t have to look much further than his entire sad existence and being pushed into sex with a prostitute in the first episode. Also there’s, “It wasn’t that you didn’t like boys. You just didn’t like me.” Shin is the only boy in BL-adjacent media to suffer a specific version of The Knowing: being rejected and discarded by your own people in a homophobic way so they could stay closeted.
Phupha (A Tale of Thousand Stars)
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Phupha’s entire romantic angst is built around The Knowing and what others seeing him for who he is will do for him.
Pran (Bad Buddy)
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Though Bad Buddy exists in The Bubble, Pran has one of the most painful versions of The Knowing I’ve ever experienced because his is wrapped up in family angst and an unrequited crush.
Lee Wan (Our Dating Sim)
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Lee Wan suffered The Knowing and broke things with his best friend after confessing. The Knowing destroyed his ability to see a version of his life where he and Shin Kitae overcame the upcoming challenges together and so he takes that choice from Kitae. Crushing.
Ueda Minoru (Our Dining Table)
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Minoru is so familiar with The Knowing that he preemptively breaks up with Yutaka after kissing him.
Kiyoi (My Beautiful Man)
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The reveal that Kiyoi already knew who he was and noticed Hira the entire time? Beautiful. One of the best reveals in J-BL history.
Minato (Minato’s Laundromat)
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This man is one of the sadder examples of The Knowing because he’s in a place where he understands who he is now, but the internalized homophobia cripples almost all of his romantic and closer relationships.
Han Baram (Sing My Crush)
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This boy is suffering so much from The Knowing that his love confession song is literally titled “Letter of Apology.”
Oh-aew (I Told Sunset About You)
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He Knew. “Are you proud of me?”
Noh Shinwoo and Shin Daon (Light On Me)
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Noh Shinwoo clearly suffered The Knowing and was discovered. His bullies still plague him on the streets when they see him. Shin Daon was not surprised by his attraction to Woo Taekyung; he struggled with his parents expectations.
Nagisa (His: I Didn’t Mean to Fall in Love)
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Nagisa definitely Knew who he was and was probably going to stay quiet about it until Shun showed up in his life. What upsets me so much about Nagisa is that he is the one who leaves Shun later in the movie after pulling queerness out of Shun.
The Secret Crush on You Quartet
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All four of them get a spot on this list for The Knowing. Toh, Kaojao, and Daisy clearly suffered The Knowing, and Som has clearly taken care of them for a long time.
Rocky and Judah (Quaranthings)
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I love that these two explore The Knowing from a class perspective. Judah is wealthier and eventually comes out, but Rocky is poor and struggles with it a lot longer.
Han Tae Joo and Kang Gook (Where Your Eyes Linger)
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The Knowing, bodyguard edition. The yearning between the two of these is palpable. It hurts that they can’t even talk to each other about it.
Mafuyu (Given)
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He Knew and lost his boyfriend to The Knowing.
Kim Dong Hee (Unintentional Love Story)
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He won’t acknowledge Go Ho Tae’s feelings because he feels a sense of loyalty to Ho Tae’s mom for taking care of him after his parents disowned him over the gay thing. Huge case of The Knowing.
Edit: New Additions October 7, 2023.
Nekoyashiki Mamoru (Kabe-Koji Nekoyashiki-kun Desires to be Recognized)
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He describes a textbook case of the Knowing and finding community at the convention.
Zo (Hidden Agenda)
He definitely Knew, and got messed over by his friends badly for it.
Yuuki (Me, My Husband, and My Husband's Boyfriend)
We almost lost Yuuki to the Knowing.
All of the Eclipse Gays
Literally all of them. The entire show is about how fascism turns queer people into agents working against their own community.
Joe (The Warp Effect)
He clearly Knew before his encounter with Army, and he also suffered for being outed.
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celestialtarot11 · 3 months
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Discussing the misconception of Pluto + more 🧘‍♀️🌟
Hi friends! A post I read talked about Pluto and its misconception in the western astrology community, and I will say I agree. I always thought of Pluto as subconsciously deep, primal, traumatic and the planet that takes away our power. The most vulnerable moments where we have just ourselves. There isn’t anything sexual about that process. There isn’t anything remotely sexual about going through circumstances that involve trauma releasing. And nothing sexy about recovery/healing from any kind of loss associated with Pluto.
It’s understandable individuals with Pluto aspects have an intensity to them, but to sexualize that and to not see beyond that intensity takes away from the true meaning of Pluto. Such individuals carry intense experiences and have roots that go deep.
Shedding light on these aspects:
Sun-Pluto individuals experience turbulence in the ego, personality, power and drive. Constantly these natives are tested, their strength and resilience especially. The native experiences situations which they feel powerless physically, mentally and emotionally.
Moon-Pluto aspects experience a loss of emotional bonding and comfort. The native struggles to connect with themselves carrying a pit of loneliness so deep, it feels like it’ll swallow them whole. Often associated with abandonment wounding, since the native feels little to no emotional permanence within themselves after a loss. Trauma taught them to disconnect from inner stability and safety.
Pluto-Venus experience power dynamic in their relationships. Protective mechanisms come up in the native to shield themselves, or they completely give themselves up to the people around them. Learned about extremes too young, and operate from one end or the other. All or nothing. Codependent as a way to keep the love in their life, even though the very same thing they love is destroying them. Chooses people who abandon them as a way to fulfill a self fulfilling prophecy, that they are not good enough and no one will love them.
Mars-Pluto has been through physical conflict of some kind. Health issues most likely. Some natives I knew encountered being in the hospital at some point. Their mind is at war and the native experienced aggression from others, and authorities failed to protect the native. Most of authority in their life wanted control over the native. The native experiences this in love as well, choosing people who are aggressive or extreme. Unless the native heals, it’s a cycle.
To know about someone sexually, their drive and behavior, look towards the Mars and Venus. Both discuss how the native experiences pleasure and loves to receive. Mars being the lust, animalistic, and primal side of the native, and Venus the sensual passionate, and compassionate side. Both planets arguably deal with our primal instincts, but Mars can be aggressive in its approach and strong, wanting to conquer, whilst Venus creates connection and is not necessarily about the self. Mars creates temptation, Venus soothes and nurtures.
Mars for men.
Venus for women.
You may wonder why then are Scorpios so sexual? It’s because they are ruled by Mars. You’re not wrong that Scorpios are sexual, but the way you look at the reason why is not inherently true. It isn’t because Pluto, the planet of subconscious trauma is making Scorpios sexual. It’s their Martian nature.
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Something important to talk about is Gemini. Gemini Venus specifically, but this goes for all Gemini placements. Gemini placements are not superficial by nature, in fact seeing them only through one lenses is harmful. Gemini’s are incredibly smart, intelligent, and harbor knowledge. Ruled by Mercury, quite literally the planet of gaining knowledge efficiently, and communicating that, putting it out there. Gemini’s are observant. Knowledge is not free, you have to pay attention consistently and Gemini’s are aware of this in their true nature. Whilst Jupiter rules gaining knowledge and wisdom, Mercury denotes using it efficiently and effectively. Mercury is the way in which we teach others and we are taught to learn. Our learning style.
Gemini Venus & Gemini placements have the ability to see beyond their current circumstances, because they are agile thinkers. They know the next step intuitively, because their mind is adept to receiving and recognizing information. Gemini’s are painted as manipulative for seeing the truth and seeing beyond face value, when in reality Gemini’s understand the value of truth and perspective.
In esoteric astrology, Gemini is comfortable in Venus because Gemini knows the value of communication and the interchange of energy in love. With Gemini being ruled by Mercury, which is the way we expand our spiritual perception, it’s the beginning of exploring beyond our ego (the sun) Gemini is a process of spiritual connection, and through Gemini, we experience the soul and unconditional love. Without exploration, we’d never know what was there. So, Gemini is not a result, rather it’s the part and process to the gateway of our souls.
There is so much more to Gemini and every zodiac sign than ya’ll think! ✨🌟☀️
Moving on, associating the 8th house with sex. This house is associated with loss, grief, and trauma in traditional astrology and Vedic. It also indicates ones past life karma in Vedic astrology. It also deals with occult knowledge, spiritual insight and growth. Therefore it has no bearing sexually, as it does not relate to procreation of a child as traditional astrology intended. It’s the house of endings.
Many astrologers think the 8th house is associated with sex because they view it as a taboo act, or see it as something hidden and private.
Look to the 5th house to see sexual pleasures instead! Sex should be a reciprocal energy, not associated with loss of any kind (8h) to me, I don’t see how sex should be associated with the 8h of loss and grief.
I would love to continue this for the signs, but it would be too long to make in one post. For now, this is what I have! I appreciate any support given to this blog, and feel free to comment your feedback as it’s highly appreciated. Thank you for coming to my ted talk 🤝
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homesickn · 11 months
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My Heart
Soft!dark Loki x Reader. (Ghostface!Loki)
Loki is your special guide on an acting play in Asgard. How will it turn out? It will certainly be a Scream!
(Scream-inspired, ghostface!Loki, he's a bit obsessive too, who could have guessed?)
Warnings: this fic is exclusively explicit +18, a lot of blood, Dom!Loki, angst (at least reader cries a lot), stalking, Loki is a bit mean at times, blood kink, murder, psychological horror, possessive Loki, obsessive Loki, dark!Loki, scared reader. Be safe! ;)
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You were fixing your hair and taking a look at the fancy dressing options for the official play, taking place in the center of Asgard, a place properly dedicated for cultural artistic exposition.
A bunch of the most famous actors throughout all of Asgard were coming to interpret roles in the huge theater near the castle, as an official tradition. Asgard is often envied in the matter of culture and in their specific field of acting art.
You've never felt more treasured, it surely felt gifting to be able to experience such an unique phenomenon, to be invited to such a thing.
And you're human. It feels a whole lot to you.
Far away from your home on Earth.
As much as it bothered you, you had to keep your mind off the annoying sting in your chest. You came here for an honorable reason, to represent as a Midgardian diplomat, settled by Thor to help him with his rules and studies for Asgard and the other realms, as he already knew you, he thought you to be the perfect fit. You don't want to disappoint.
But this loneliness is unlike any other, you can't help but wonder how your family and friends are doing, at home. You could fully say with conviction that the only friend you have is the godly Avenger that swore to protect you through your journey out of your original realm.
You were okay with it, until you had to get down and face the real world. You wore the very detailed white royal dress that most appealed to your eyes, and went downstairs to meet with the known blond just waiting for your presence, awkwardly messing with his…formal, hero cape.
He says your name with hesitance, “I'm so sorry, my friend. I truly am, I won't be able to attend the event,” he expresses, you frown and press your hand to your heart.
“What? You're the only friend I have here, am I supposed to go alone?” You're quick to ask.
“You can go with Loki,” he mentions the dark prince, you blink.
Loki wasn't a bad man to you, from what you've known of him, you're not a judgemental person, you don't like going for other people's words. But he's known on Earth for being a murderer, you watched the news, even though you weren't present during the attack you still could feel the pain that all those victims went through. It felt like you're betraying them, like you're hurting them by thinking of befriending the god.
However, since you've shown up on Asgard, Loki has been nothing but amicable to you. You just hesitated considering him a friend, whatsoever, he's a person you've —unfortunately — come to admire.
Whenever he passes by your sight is attached to him, as if you've been hypnotized, he's charming, pleasing to be around, your sense of humor matches a lot from what you've had the pleasure of discovering of him.
“Loki?” You repeat, letting the name echo through the walls of the castle. You're momentaneously afraid you've summoned him with the name.
“Yes, he's not too bad,” Thor looks a bit embarrassed of having to state so. “He's kind when you spend time with him, I know he'll treat you well. And if there's one thing my brother loves more than anything, is the events that involve acting around here. You have to see just how bright his eyes sparkle when he watches the plays, and this one in particular is one of his favorites. We used to watch it with father when we were younger.” 
You were now enchanted by Thor's description, your eyes shining at the idea of having someone acknowledged to teach you more of something you already enjoy so much, you're also a huge fan of acting, and theatrical acting was a hidden passion you've always adored. 
The thought of Loki liking this so much excites you, because you love surrounding yourself with enthusiastic people, you love seeing them being passionate about what they love. You thought it wouldn't be so bad to have a guide, it is definitely a better option than to go just by yourself, or to refuse and stay in bed for the day.
“Well…” You think for a second, looking around then coming back to Thor. “I don't see why not.” You shrug your shoulders, the blond god gives you a bright smile and says he'll catch him for you.
You wait at the entrance, looking all like a real princess waiting for her prince to take her to a royal ball. 
“This is too fancy for me,” you look down at yourself, somehow feeling a sense of imposter syndrome. Feeling unbelonging, too human for this, it's way more than you could ever dream of. “I shouldn't be here.” 
“Now, why would you say such a thing?” A low soft voice asks you from nowhere, you jolt as you turn quickly, recognizing the owner of the voice.
Loki gulps as he shares eye contact with you, glancing down at your pretty dress, you take a moment to appreciate his beautiful princely outfit, black and green, with tiny golden sparkling details. His body seemingly just fit for the measures of the clothes, you think you've lost your breath for a second. 
He smirks as he catches you staring.
“Princess?” Your heart flutters a little, you swear your legs feel a bit shaky from the endearment. 
“I'm not a princess,” you hurry to correct, your cheeks heating up against your will.
“You look just like one. You can be a princess, and if you don't like it, you have the experience for the night.” He offers his hand to you with a charming smile.
“No one would believe I'm a princess, prince Loki.” You challenge him.
“They will if I treat you like one,” he licks his lips and his eyes give you such softness you could melt again. Another pang, the betrayal, the attack on Earth.
You're the one to gulp nervously now, taking your eyes off of him and looking to the road ahead.
“You don't need to, it's fine,” and you quickly hurry to change the subject before he can protest. “Shall we go? Otherwise we'll miss the time. Nobody likes being late.”
You and Loki arrive at the festival together, getting off the carriage, he offers his hand again when you're exiting, like a true gentleman.
There's a lot of drinking, dancing, and singing. The theater is still empty waiting for the actors to arrive. Your excitement is likely palpable, Loki could swear he feels it radiating off of you. 
“It's okay, princess,” he says loud enough for others to hear, placing his arms around you. You blush but refuse to protest, he gives you a knowing look and a mischievous smile. “We can have our fun before the show. Let me show you around all the cultural Asgardian beauty.”
They had a lot of variable types of drinks, a lot of dancing presentations for people to watch, and the singers had the most amazing intonations that your ears could be blessed to hear. You couldn't believe how lucky you were, to be able to humanely get in touch with the art from the gods themselves.
The harp brought an etheric touch to all the singing, the harsh intoning of the words whilst they sung something in their native languages, deep voices to match their godly vocal chords. Be it from the realm they were, your heart clenched in delight from all the admiring.
Loki was an impeccable guide, showing you some popular dishes, giving you the most delectable desserts, and watching the performances with you. Thor was right, you could see the special touch he had with art, it was as if he forgot everything else around him when he got close to it. 
“This play will be my favorite,” he musters and you stop to listen, carefully. His voice is low but the smile he's wearing really makes you interested in what he has to say. It's like a secret you're two are sharing.
“What's the name of the play?” You couldn't believe Thor hadn't told you this before, you felt a bit ignorant towards the conversation. Loki puts his hands on your back again to calm your nerves down.
“The Masquerade,” he almost whispers. Like a real secret, almost as if he could read you.
“Oooh,” you teasingly express. “The Masquerade, such an interesting name, will they wear the masks?” For a second you feel dumb to ask, Loki only laughs a little and rubs your back to comfort you.
“Yes, yes, they will. I truly hope you find it as beautiful as I do.” His eyes sparkle with a sprinkle of mischief among the kindness. 
“I probably will,” you say more to yourself than to him. If he thinks it's beautiful, there's one more reason for you to like it, there's a special key to the piece, they caught someone's love before you've met it. “What's it about, anyways?”
He looks down at you due to the height difference and brings his gaze back to your eyes, deep piercing blue staring right into you, you feel a bit sick from the closeness. 
“It's…uhh,” he pauses, a bit sheepish, you never thought you'd see the infamous, 'evil' god of mischief looking embarrassed to talk about something he loves. He clears his throat. “It talks about several people meeting at a Masquerade ball, one of them, the leader, —who is the murderer, but it's a fact unknown to the characters of the play— wears a mask that resembles the face of a comical ghost, it may sound a bit silly, but it's really symbolic. It has the horror of course, putting the thrill aside.” He still blushes to say.
He continues.
“The thrill of having to discover who is responsible for the murders whilst everyone worries because their lives are at risk, you don't know which ones you trust, there's just…something about it that makes me terrified, I think that's why I'm so invested in the story.” He manages to explain to you. “But I really like it, I've even read the scripts before, a few times. I had the pleasure of reading the original one when it was created.”
Your eyes widen as he says it all. “I love these kinds of things! The mystery!” You exclaim. “I love it, and we'll get to see who's actually the murderer at the end, right? Sometimes I tend to get my intuitions wrong,” you joke.
He chuckles, a bit surprised. “Yes, of course. Where would be the fun if we never get to know who did it all?”
“And you're quite old, huh?” You give a teasing smile, he shakes his head, smiling too. “You know so many things from so many years ago.”
“Don't let this disappoint you, I hope.” There's a glint and the softness he always presents to you. You feel queasy, you feel happy. “Your mortality is not an issue here.”
As the festival went on, even the Warriors did their own little stunt to occupy the time, but the actors never arrived. You were starting to get a bit restless, you wanted to watch the show and you feared you wouldn't get to see what Loki so lovingly shared with you.
Everybody gave out a gasp of exasperation when all the lights of the event were turned off. People immediately sighed a bothered "blackout", but even the candles were blown off, leaving everyone in a sea of darkness swallowing all the excitement there was before.
“We can't enjoy the event without lights!” One of the warriors complained, you couldn't quite remember his name.
“Why can't I light the candle? The fire just doesn't lit,” someone complained loudly. “Where is a God of Fire when you need one?”
“I bet that's all because Thor's not here!”
You turn your head around the annoyed complaints of the people, listening to them all in confusion. Loki made sure to appease everyone telling us that we should all stay calm, that the problem will probably be solved soon.
“How could we know? We can't trust this snake!” Someone screamed, pointing at Loki.
“I'm the prince, and I was raised to rule,” Loki had a stern expression as he spoke. “Whether you like it or not, it's true. As Thor is gone for now, I will listen to all the complaints you have.”
“I bet he did it on purpose!” An old Asgardian lady yelled behind the crowd.
“Why would I? I have nothing to gain from this, it's just more of a headache for me,” he said annoyed now, he probably couldn't handle accusations when all he was trying to do is enjoy something he loves.
“He wanted to watch the show like everybody else,” you awkwardly meek the words out, you felt ashamed as soon as they came out and the people looked at you.
“This trickster has watched the same play a thousand times!” Someone gestured rudely with their hands. “He knows every detail probably, he's not doing anything for us.”
“Silence!” Loki orders, “I will not tolerate insolence! You wish to complain, you do so, but meanwhile, I'll put my best efforts to fix the issue.”
You thought the blackout was going to last for maybe a few minutes, but after a while with each sound of nature echoing throughout the open space, you questioned if you're wrong after all. Why was everyone still in the dark? The complaints were now too loud for your ears.
And the worst part is that you've lost sight of Loki. You remind yourself of some old men pulling him by his sleeves, you try to remember what the men's faces looked like, but it remains unsuccessful.
Your heart is quaking with anxiety, he was your only access to hanging out around Asgard, without Thor around or his trusted brother, you feel completely at loss. 
Furiously looking around the place to check if there's anything you can find, whilst others are starting to grab their things to go away.
A sudden light hits the entire circle, a brighter light stinging the people's sight and coming from the theater stage. You hiss and move your gaze, trying to fathom what it's going on.
“The actors are never going to come.” Says a terrified man among the crowd, he's gasping as he looks at the empty stage. What does he mean by that? “Where's the King?! Where's Thor?!”
“We have to run!” An old lady screams, bumping your shoulders as she runs in the opposite direction, grabbing all her stuff. You're still confused but you recompose yourself and immediately try to go somewhere darker.
You scramble through your mind to think of where Loki may be at, you don't want to imagine him suffering with any possible attacks. And your eyes fickle to the golden castle sticking close to the theater area. 
You imagine that's the place where they might've taken Loki to, so you run there, readying yourself to the presence of an unquiet Loki, or maybe a tired, questioning Thor, wondering what all the fuss is about, both the princes immediately trying to solve the problems. You'd run and embrace yourself in the feeling of safety around their presence.
Instead of that, the castle was all empty, you knitted your eyebrows as your skin shivered from the cold you felt in the air. The golden castle has never been so cold, and it seems all the lights have gone out here too.
You're alone. There are no palace staff even, no cooks, no nurses, the princes are nowhere in sight. Alone. And it frightens you, you feel the loneliness ripping your bones as you wonder if staying with the angry mob would be a greater idea than trying to come to the castle.
You hear a ringing way too loud for the quiet atmosphere, you recognize the sound of your cell phone ringing. You run to where your temporary room is, and grab the vibrating phone in your hands. 
You're puzzled, it's odd. It isn't supposed to function, it never does. Who would want to call you when you're so far from Earth? 
Nobody here has a phone connection, so why does it work? Could it be someone from Earth calling you?
You'd probably ask Thor about this later, but you see the number is unknown. You ask yourself if it's possible for the marketing programs to call you even from another realm of distance. You muffle a small laugh as your mental joke eases your nerves.
You hesitantly accept the call, feeling curious.
“Hello?! Is anybody there??!” The raspy male voice questions frantically, it seemed almost robotic, sounding like they're out of breath, you can hear a tiny sob coming from the other line.
“Y-yes, who is it?” You shiver as you listen to your own voice ringing in the closed room.
“Please! Please help me!” The weird voice pleads you. “Please, I found this device out in the blackout, I don't know where I am. But I have you. Please help me.”
You try to shush him calmly. But you're scared as you're still alone, and the voice calling you sounds male but unrecognizable. 
“Look I'm sorry, I'm not a person you should be calling right now, I'm really lost too.” You try to explain peacefully, your chest aching from feeling useless. “Please, forgive me,” You hang up.
Seconds later as you ready yourself to leave, organizing all the important stuff, there's the ringing again. You groan loudly and answer the call.
“Hello?!”
“Are you alone?” He asks, giving another sob through the line. “I'm sorry if you are, I just feel uneasy.”
“I'm packing my things to go face an angry mob of people. Why did you call me back? I told you I can't help you.”
“You'd rather face some angry people than help me?” He asks, quite stressed, all of a sudden sounding a bit angry. Your body stills on the spot.
“I don't know who you are!” He sighs as he hears you.
“That's fair.” A silence rings. You sigh and hang up again.
As you walk out the room, the phone rings again.
“I was testing you, I know a woman that's alone shouldn't come around to help people they don't know, you're really smart.”
“Is it you again?” You ask out of patience.
“What are you doing now?” He sounds more curious.
“I told you, I'm packing my things.”
“Why are you lying to me?” You freeze.
“...Excuse me?” You look around and check if there's anyone that saw you leave your room. “Also, wait. How do you know I'm alone? I never told you I was…”
“Were you on the play?” He changes subject.
“I-uhm…Yeah, I was. I wanted to watch it- yeah. Now answer my question!” You respond feeling incredibly uneasy.
“I was there too. Are you also human?”
“Me? Yes, I'm the Midgardian. You're from Earth?” You walk and get giddier on the call, someone from Earth in Asgard would bring you more familiarity. For a minute you forgot your question remained unanswered. 
“Was just curious. Thor likes you a lot. He speaks a lot about you.”
“Thor? Yeah, he's my friend...” You wonder why the stranger is bringing him to the topic.
“I think I found a light, will you stick on the line until I reach it?”
“Sure thing.” You don't know why, though you don't see anything wrong with waiting. Your every move is still shaky from fear.
“You never told me your name.” He says suggestively, you hurry down the stairs and breathe out the next words.
“Why do you wanna know my name?” 
“Because I want to know who I'm looking at.” A shiver runs down your spine. Like a whiplash, you feel observed as you search your surroundings.
“...What?”
“I wanna know who I'm talking to.”
“That's not what you said.”
“What do you think I've said?” He asks, feigning confusion. 
You rush to the entrance only to notice the doors are locked, your hands shaking as you knock the door repeatedly to call attention from the outsiders. You're sure the stranger heard you banging the door through the call. Shit.
You don't say anything as you hang up this time. You try to compose your breathing, the phone rings once again but you don't move to accept the call.
“Someone!! Help me!” You loudly call, waiting for a response, a sign, anything. The dark was even scarier after the call you received, the cold all too threatening, like a bunch of invisible eyes looking under your skin.
After some moments of silence passing through your weeping eyes, you're fighting to keep the sobs hidden by putting your hand to your mouth to muffle the noise.
You kneel down, body glued to the door, holding it for dear life, your heartbeat a bit too loud for your eardrums. You're hugging your knees in a position of defeat as your body trembles with each sob.
You're wondering if the Asgardians had evacuated the castle and forgotten about you. You wondered if Loki forgot about you.
Your phone rings.
“Don't you hang up on me again or I'll make sure you're the first one to get killed.” Your sobs get even louder. “I'll gut you like a fish and feed your organs to the wolves!”
“What are you doing?! Who are you?!” You ask, clenching your fist to your chest. The rough voice from the other line chuckling from your questions.
“Does it matter, sweetheart? You want out, don't you? Poor thing, locked alone in the castle…”
“Please…don't hurt me…”
“You've told me once you like scary stuff, thrillers.” You fight not to hyperventilate. “Let's try some method acting, shall we?”
“No…no I don't. I don't like this shit.” You grit your teeth.
“You do, sweetheart. Don't lie to me. Don't you want to join my play? I planned it just for us, I thought you wanted to watch it. I can make you a star.”
“What?! No…” You cry.
The door opens out of a sudden and your body falls to the dirty earthy ground. You leave a groan, when your head lifts you're surprised by the dark that's out in the wild, the only light being the stars above your head and the vast bright moon occupying the sky.
You lift yourself with trembling knees and hear a voice coming from the phone. 
“If you ignore me one more time I'll fucking cut your neck off, you stupid little bitch!” The person threatens and you visibly recoil, throwing the phone very far away, ignoring his instructions and running for dear life.
Panting on your way through the golden speckled Asgardian trail out of the castle, darkened by the lack of lightning that you find in the way, you breathe as best as you can, ignoring the fear clutching your heart and the tears pricking your eyes, face puffy and your nose beginning to stuff.
“Damn it,” you tremble and fall in your steps. Sobbing to the air. “Shit, shit…” You curse to the skies as you try to regain your steadiness.
You start listening to a noise behind you, shuffling the bushes and startling you even more. When you pay attention, there are a pair of black boots making their way out of the bushes, right to your direction. A cloak covers down their ankles while your eyes widen. 
You don't stay behind to care for whom it may be, nor wait to check their face, and you keep running.
You're startled as a man comes to your line of vision, screaming, frantic. You tremble and end up falling backwards on the ground, he falls on top of you. Your hands are punching him to move off of you but he seemed just as frightened as you were.
He also noticed your punches were much weaker than the touches the gods carry. The strength they have. He supposed you were a human.
“Oh thank the Lord!” He praises God, and your face is entirely a mix of fear and anxiety, the tears making it very uncomfortable to keep your eyes open. “Thank the Heavens, you have to save me!”
“No!” You scream, pushing him away. A human. He doesn't fool you, he's the damn murderer that's been stalking you. You push his figure behind and he falls off his steps.
And then a knife craves his stomach, your eyes are wide and you're nauseated. The blood speckles to your terrified face. You can't help the scream that leaves you.
You quickly hurry to move up and keep on the run, suddenly someone grabs you by your neck, pulling your whole body up effortlessly, scaring all the breath out of your body.
You're pale as you realize the person is masked, wearing a ghost face mask and a cloak covering their entire body. The person from that was following you, the murderer.
“W-who…” You're fighting, clutching the gloved fingers holding you up and choking you by your pulse. “Who…I-I can't- breathe…” You say between resistant breaths.
“I told you not to ignore me, didn't I? I didn't think I'd need to repeat myself. You seemed like a pretty clever girl.” You recognized the voice from the phone.
“Please…”
“Don't beg, sweet. You're right where I want you to be.” He turns your body, clinging to you, pressing a knife near where his hand was, on your neck. This hand is now resting on your stomach. “I was waiting for this the whole night.”
“What?” You squirm around his grip, wanting to get out.
He clutches your face, forcing you to look at the stage. The one that was before empty, and now, is filled with decorations and blood stains. Your bile raised up to your throat.
Your eyes widened in fear and filled with terrified tears, you could barely hold your screech as you paid attention to the calculated amount of bodies on the floor of the stage.
You were now fully hitting him even though your limbs were being held tight, you still tried to escape.
“Don't be scared, princess.” A shiver runs through your skin, your whole face must be a mix of sweat and tears. It's like everything is turning in your head, dizzying you. Princess. 
Cruel joke. Must be a cruel coincidence, a cruel joke against you. You imagined the killer heard the nickname Loki called you, you could only hope Loki was coming to save you anytime. Maybe he knew how much you liked him.
“Don't be scared, we're only starting the show.” He carries your body up and takes you closer to the stage, all while you punch him as best as you can with full fists. He doesn't seem to be affected by your weak punching.
“Shh, now.” He calms you through your breakdown, shushing you and moving a piece of your hair that was sticking on your forehead due to your sweating. “Shh, you'll like this game, I promise.”
“Game?” You repeat with a gasp, mouth open in fright. “I don't wanna play anything, you freak! You monster!” You try to jump off his embrace but he's stronger and clutches his hold onto you with more strength. “Please, let me go…”
“Come on, princess.” He calls through your cries, placing you down on a throne-looking piece in front of the stage, when you touched it, it felt so…real. You wondered how anyone would be able to bring a real golden throne to this place, you wondered if it was like the one the Asgardian King has.
“A real throne for a princess.” You felt the goosebumps rise one more time, bringing your attention out of your senses, as you looked at the masked freak. “You can't get out of this.” He says and you notice you can't move your hands, you actively scream out, really scared at being unable to move.
“What are you doing?! Why?” You wonder, and he touches your face delicately, the ghost face giving you a cold feeling down your spine, your eyes bright with tears as you look up to him. 
He moves your face a bit, to get you to look at the stage instead of himself. 
“We're just going to play a game, my princess.” He softly says, as much as his raspy voice can muster. You start shaking your head in denial, frantically. 
“Please, no. You've had your fun, I promise I won't tell, please! Let me go!!” 
“You wanted to watch the play, we're going to do so. You just have to guess who's the one that's guilty. If you get it right, nothing happens, and you get a reward. If you get it wrong, we're going to have even more fun.”
“Why are you doing this?” He doesn't respond, he keeps his hands on your shoulders as you watch ahead.
The play starts, a terrified man tries to run you, but he's interrupted like there's a wall in the way. 
“Please, help me! I'm innocent, I need to go away.”
You try to move your hands but you can't. The Ghostface whispers in your ears. 
“Do you trust him, sweetheart? It's in your hands.” 
You shake your head and close your eyes, desperately trying to ignore the scene in front of you. More characters came into the scene.
“Don't worry about the actors, sweetheart,” his whispering was almost so soft for the fake covering voice, hidden behind the mask. “That man, the one that just screamed,” he points his knife to the man that's staring at him with big scared eyes. “He was wanted as a criminal, his reward was worth thousands of gold for arson, murder and sexual abuse.”
“S-so you don't think sexual abuse is correct?” You ask before even thinking, just feeling a wave of relief.
“What?” He sounds surprised for a second. “Why would I–? Oh, sweet? You thought I'd hurt you like this?” His voice sounded different at the moment he realized, like it really hit him somehow. “I'd never do this to you, there's no need to worry about that, I think it's the most disgusting of all crimes.” He says tilting the knife, you gulp not knowing what to do, but gratefully accepting the fact the killer had moral limits about this. At least.
“Pick one.” You realize you've barely paid attention to the play, to the actors moving.
“Please…” You keep on begging, maybe that'll help, but it gets him even more out of patience. “Please, I can't play with people's lives!” 
“You should know what you were getting into before coming here.” He gets closer to your face, you only wish your hands could work so you could pull his mask off to know who he is. “Come on, pick one.”
All the characters looked terrified, one wore a sillier mask of the Ghostface that was beside you, purposely seeming fake and cheaper. You start shaking, it'd be too obvious to pick the Ghostface that's acting, he's supposed to be the story's murderer. No one was actually killed during the act, they just pretended to kill.
“Do you think he did it?” The real killer asks beside you, almost sitting by your side close to your throne. He steps in front of you, steps clear and slow as his boots hit the ground, making you fixated on his every move. “You've been looking at him.” He takes something out of his cloak, and you almost can't believe it when he pulls out a gun and shoots the guy wearing the leader's mask.
“NO!” You scream loudly, hoping to reach his ears before he finishes the murderous act. 
A few more very loud shots were done, the stage was now shining with the stranger's dark red blood, and the actors were all shaking, shivering, on their best attempts at holding their cries, because they didn't want to be a part of it, they're afraid they'll be the next.
“This play is originally Midgardian,” he said, ignoring your cries. “Being written decades ago, only modern versions have this new weapon so the characters would be killed at a distance. I think it's practical for our current game.”
“NO, NO, NO, THAT'S HORRIBLE! STOP, STOP THIS, LET ME LEAVE! I DIDN'T PICK HIM, I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO DIE!” You scream and your whole body is shaking as you feel the guilt racking through your bones.
You feel his gloved hands caress your arms. 
“Sweet,” his strange voice keeps calling you. “Princess, please, look at me. Look at me,” His glove is tainted with dark blood, staining the rich dark black material. He tilts your chin up to make you look at his masked face. You feel even more afraid, the unfamiliarity and fear burning up your body. 
You can't stop crying, and your sobs are becoming louder and louder. 
“Look at me. It's okay, remember what I told you? He didn't deserve to live. He was supposed to go through the death penalty anyways.” You didn't know if you trusted his words. You were scared. Terrified. Shaking, and now feeling so guilty you couldn't even think about being saved. 
What if they put the blame on you? What about the disgust the princes will feel about you? You feel tainted, dirty, like you killed him yourself, with your bare hands.
You couldn't handle that, you didn't want to take the man's life. You couldn't stop looking at the blood, the smell of iron now clinging close to where you're stuck at.
“Please, let me go. You got what you wanted.” You try one more time.
“You think I got what I wanted?” His hands strongly hold your already immobile wrists. “Princess, I could do this anytime I wished, but I want you.” He says and you shiver even more. “I want you to be the star. My Queen. The one they admire, I want you to stay with me.”
“What? W-what do you mean by that?”
“Thor is not coming back.” He says almost too softly, nonchalant, apathetic, you want to throw up. You're feeling dizzy, there's a knot in your stomach and you don't know what to do. 
“What?! What? What??! Why? What have you done to him?! What about Loki?!” You cry and beg for answers.
He chuckles. The mask moving with each small laugh he lets out, you want to rip it off his face. This person you already hate so much.
“It's so sweet of you, it matches your nickname. Sweet, sweet, darling thing. It's so beautiful to know just how much you care about me.” He moves the mask off his face and you're unmoving, you go completely limp as you stare at the face you admired before, the tears wouldn't go away.
Were they correct this whole time? You've been considering a psychopath as your friend this whole time?
“L-Loki?” You hate how you stutter as you say his name, you hate to see him smile at that. You hate that you don't hate him, because your brain can't link the murders to him. Not him. “Loki, why?” 
“My father made me love this play, he taught me everything. I was here when it was created, Odin thought of the leaders like brave warriors, soldiers. The weaker ones got killed first but only he remained.” Loki's voice now sounded so suave to your ears, you imagined the strange one must have been granted through his magic and illusions.
“Such a beautiful story, sweetheart. It has so many layers, I can't wait for you to get involved in this artwork as much as I do.” His smile was so bright you felt nauseated, you couldn't even speak. “Look at the irony, look at it! The Norns must love me! Odin died first, he isn't here to present my thriving. I'm the only one that's left, the leader, the King, the ruler. I'm winning now, and the act is going on!”
He conjures a knife and presses it close to your neck, making you yelp and jump a little out of the chair. You're surprised you can move now, but he still grabs you forcefully and pulls you up to him. 
“I was the one that made Thor bring you here. I was paying attention to you for so long, it didn't take much convincing until the oaf agreed, he even befriended you. You have no idea how long I've had to wait with my nerves at bay.” His jealousy was visible as he spoke and you shook from his words.
“Look at them. The blood of the undeserving, the weak ones. We are above them, my princess. You and me. We can win this game. I'd never, ever, hurt you.” He says the last sentence with a seriously cold expression, you open your mouth and leave out a loud cry. His frown deepen.
“What's wrong? I thought you wanted to see how the play goes?”
“Not like this. Please…Loki…” You feel his hand reaching under the skin of your dress, pulling it up and moving to caress your thigh. You feel perverted as your eyes open and you look at the blood and the terrified faces among the stage.
You take the moment he's distracted to rush out of his grip, he's caught unexpectedly so his knife accidently cuts your shoulder, you grunt from the small wound. 
You turn to leave as quickly as you can, Loki chuckles to himself, thinking about how cute it is, that you think you can be quicker than him. That you're trying to escape, it's what a really smart princess would do, to be brave enough to try.
You pass through bushes, a weird unknown garden to you, wanting to find anyone else that was there before, anyone from the crowd that was running away, screaming loudly your pleas for help that no one hears. 
You look behind, not seeing him makes you even more uneasy. You can feel his presence near you, you don't know where he is. 
There's a particular downhill area you didn't see right in front of you, you accidently fall. Your legs failing you and hitting the ground from a long altitude distance, cutting your face and any naked skin you're letting out, your bones felt the fall and you curse how stupid you were not to pay attention.
Your skin is tainted with dirt, your face now on the ground. You think your foot is out of place as you groan out in pain, it hurts to move it. You can't believe you could ever be so stupid. Your dress is so painfully yellow after all the dirt.
You cry like a little kid.
You're surprised when your phone —the one you threw away — is right next to you, ringing and intact. Your face is so puffy from the fall, and because of all the crying, all the fear.
You move your arms and hold it close to your ears. “Hello?” Your voice trembles.
“I should have told you, you can't run away from me, darling.” Loki's voice echoes through your mind now, you almost feel it like a safety blanket covering your skin after the defeat, you don't know if you should accept the loss or not. Like a balm, a salve. 
He's the one that hangs up this time.
You feel a pair of arms holding you up with him, cozying you into his arms, so you can peacefully rest your head onto his chest, still covered by the dark cloak.
He pats your head, letting his hand softly caress your back as you lay in his arms, he's carrying you somewhere else.
You see the people now, the Asgardians, and the actors from before. So you quickly put your head back to Loki's chest again, wishing to hide away.
“I shouldn't have just thrown it on you like that,” he keeps his soft touches on your clothed back, his magic cleaning the dirt on your skin, balming the wounds. “It takes a lot from someone, but you're so pretty when you're scared. I got carried away, I'm so sorry.” He quickly apologizes after he says so, you keep hidden, not wishing to speak.
He sighs tiredly, he massages your scalp, you almost mewl like a kitten when he does it. Your heart still aches with fear and he tears up at your shivering, afraid he's broken you.
“To all the Asgardians,” he begins, voice loud and authoritative. “I expect all of you to do your normal duties tomorrow, everyone in their expected places. I'll have the lights fixed after I have my fun.” His fingers massage your scalp as he mentions that. His other hand holds you up by your buttocks, he's steadying you in his arms.
Unknowingly to your hiding self, the Asgardians nod tearfully and all so scared of his statements. They all were quivering under Loki's gaze. He seemed like a true mad King to their eyes. 
To Loki, he's never been more sane, this is all he ever wanted, he's got you in his arms now. And Thor is gone. He's a King.
“To the actors,” he looks at the frightened crew still in their respective places. “I expect a full play. Just as we planned.” He gestures to them to continue, they lock eyes with each other and look at the corpse close to their feet. “Now.” Loki could only roll his eyes with impatience.
They move in their respective places, getting ready for the show. Loki sits on the throne with you clinging to him like a koala. He's smirking all too proud, he loves feeling needed.
He considers putting the mask back, it's a symbol for greatness in this art. It's what his father used to say.
“Love,” he calls. Not wanting to frighten you more, you look up to him with a quivering lip. “You're okay, we're okay.” 
He lifts a bit the end of your dress again, unbothered by the actors frantically moving among themselves, not knowing if they should look or not.
He grabs your ass cheek, making you gasp from the suddenness. You don't want to think about the scene, so you don't. You stick to appreciating his closeness, and him, you feel like a pervert for enjoying this, his low voice speaking against your skin.
He kisses you.
“I'll make you feel better.” He brings you up a bit to lick down your earlobe, moving to kiss your neck. “I'll make it all better, I promise. I've been reckless.” He says, taking off his gloves and pressing his nails against your skin, marking tiny half-moon shapes on your flesh.
Wanting to fully feel you, smiling as he remembers the desperation from the man, he's dreamt years of this performance. Of having a figure to be conquered, the star of the show, you.
The blood still covered his cloak, and it's starting to taint your beautiful, innocent skin. It entices him more, of course. He groans near your ear, you moan under his touch in response.
He hears the movement from the play and he grabs your hair tenderly, you've had enough for one day, he has to be kind, you need his softness that you adore so much. The one he reserves only for you.
He takes off your dress and lets it slip off your body, he's in awe as more of your skin reaches his eyes, his breath hanging for a second.
The actors now well enough not to look at you while the King has you in his arms.
He grabs more than he can, he feels graced by the Gods. He wants to suffocate you with his passion, the blood on your skin tainting his hands. The blood gets him so hard, leaving him impatient as he ruts against your clothed pussy, searching for friction.
He sucks on your neck, taking his time to your shoulders, your hands tremble as you move to grab his hair. You keep your eyes closed, each breath you tried to convince yourself this was completely fine.
Loki's eyes glance to the stage for a moment, he takes a look at a character picking the ghostface mask off the floor, and with a shaky breath and, most likely heavy heart, the next thing to be heard was a short scream. The cut of the knife tainted the actors even more, one of them turned to run to a corner and throw up.
Loki pressed his hands against your ears so you wouldn't listen to the vomit, nor the blood splashing out. But you knew.
"Weak bastards," Loki thought, "they'd never survive a war. Weak, fake puritans. Their blood is a noble sacrifice."
Loki kept a hold of your head to his chest so you wouldn't watch the scene, you were still shaking, poor thing, wouldn't be able to take it. Your curiosity was dangerous to you, he had to keep you safer than he assumed necessary, innocent, untainted little thing.
“Princess,” he takes your face between his hands, only leaving a small distance between his lips to yours, practically speaking right into your mouth. You blushed under his loving gaze. “Can I have you?”
Your breath stopped short, you were so dizzy you feared fainting from such intense emotions. Loki was all you wanted, but after this? You were terrified.
“You don't need to accept, I won't even make you watch the show. I fear it'd be too much for your pure heart to take,” he carefully fixes a singular strand of your hair to behind your ear.
“I'm not pure,” you meekly said, your eyes stinging with the weight of the truth. You've never felt dirtier, never felt more like a sinner. If punishments were deserving for those who committed atrocities, you trembled to believe you'd need them all. “I'm not pure, I deserve to suffer.”
“Don't say that,” Loki sternly commands. “Don't say that, not you. If there's a soul in this universe that deserves all the nine realms, it is you.” His words are stern but so soft, you once again feel your lips quiver at the start of another sob. You were way too emotional, everything was way too wrong.
Everything but the sensual way he was touching you.
His fingers kept a gentle caress of your back, down your spine, to reach your hips and buttocks. His breath hitched as he gritted his teeth, attempting patience, waiting for a sign that you soon granted him.
“Please…” You begged, like a poor little mouse under his tricks. He felt oh so blessed, the Norns truly must love him. He practically yanks you panties down, they hang somewhere around your calves as he starts to touch your needy cunt.
He skillfully touches your folds, your pussy clenching from the movements he's making, he slips his fingers inside your cunt to stroke that sensitive spot inside of you, curling his fingers, making you a mess.
“That's it, sweetheart, take your pleasure,” he craved those pleased whiny moans of yours, they were a treasure to his ears, you were clenching around him and lifting yourself a bit up with each thrusting of his fingers. He couldn't control his groans to himself. “Take it from me, it's yours. All yours.”
His palm circles your clit, paying extra attention to the moments you get sensitive, shivering under his hold like his precious toy, heat running down your skin. You shamelessly begin riding his palm. He kept your legs fully open now with his other hand, keeping a strong grip on your skin.
“Let me play, darling. Don't be cruel.” You didn't know if your tears came from pleasure or fear now. Your mind wasn't allowing you to focus on the seriousness of the situation, you didn't want to look at the blood, and the smell of him intoxicated you to the point you ignored the smell of iron around the place.
“Y-yes…” You mindlessly opened your legs further, making him give you the prettiest, most devilish grin your eyes could see.
“I'll treat you so well, you will enjoy being mine, princess. I'll make sure you do.” You don't hold your moaning, unafraid of the possible eyes wandering to your figure. Your nails digged his shoulders, your hips rutted against him unashamed, begging for the friction, for more of his marvelous fingers.
He helps you through your climax as you're gushing over his clothes, you're a trembling mess, coming undone for him, your entire face now very sticky with sweat and tears, the post-orgasmic bliss clouding your mind.
“Do you want to know how the show ends?” You feel goosebumps as he asks that, no, no you don't want to.
He looks down at you, bringing his fingers up as a trail of your cum sticks on the way to his mouth. You're dazed as he licks his fingers clean, keeping eye contact with you, you see a bit of blood sticking in between the act.
You wonder whose blood it is, if this is any hygienic, but you supposed being a God had its perks for these things. Your eyes squeezed tight in shame.
He makes sure to lift your face to make your eyes open again.
“No need to feel embarrassed if you like it.” Your blood boils and the heat you feel increases, how dare he? To assume you'd like being part of something so cruel?
“I don't like it.” You say coldly, not passing any of the burbling rage you feel.
He laughs a bit from your serious expression, you feel mocked. You knit your brows, you didn't know Loki could be this way.
“I love you, princess.” It's like a stab on your heart after the cruelness.
“No, you don't.” He scoops you up his arms, out of a sudden, you yelp as you're lifted, instinctively holding up around his neck.
He moves the throne magically to the center of the theater. Everything looks so hazed and spectacularly planned out.
He places you carefully down the throne, even fixing the skirt of your dress as he leaves you there.
You feel out of place, the characters that are alive have pleading eyes but none have the courage to move and run away. You begin to feel your blood boil for them too, how could they be so weak? How could you?
“My heart.” Loki calls you, you shiver because of the pet-name.
Your tears came back again, and your head now stings drastically from so much crying. If you survived, the headache you'd feel tomorrow will be painful.
Now, your fear was one thing, your anger another, even your cries as you orgasmed were angelical and he craved them like a sick bastard. But your sadness? That stung deep into his heart, ripping it like a carved knife tearing his insides out.
“Please… please don't cry, love. It's okay.” He never thought he'd beg another, he wanted to make everyone else pay. But you? You didn't deserve pain or suffering, and now you're crying because your poor heart is so sad it can't take any more of what he's made you go through.
He'd have to go a long time apologizing, your sadness was starting to cling to his bones.
“My love, look at me.” He holds your hand, kneeling by your side down the throne. Like you're the Queen and he's just a peasant, your servant, a pet.
You don't feel very royal at the moment, you don't really feel in control. If that's what he's planning on doing.
“That's my pretty girl.” As much as you're defiant and trying to keep yourself unattached, you can't help but blush at his words. They seem innocent, they seem honest. “My pretty girl, now the Queen of Asgard. Just as you deserve.” He looks down at your body and licks his lips. He'd feed you all the compliments in the world just because you deserve them.
His hands slide to your thighs and squish them under his hands. He leaves out an animalistic moan, looking up at you with so much desire clinging to his pupils.
“I've been waiting for this part the whole night.” You feel off at that, but he holds you as he hovers over your figure on the throne, quickly scrambling to get rid of his pants. Your panties have been discarded a long time ago, so the wetness is now ruining the fancy marble of the throne, your cheeks warm up at the realization.
He's pinning you against the throne with his weight, his back to the audience, covering you.
He sheaths himself inside of you, he goes in more easily than you imagined, making your eyes round as you feel him throbbing inside you, desperate to move.
He pulls out a bit and thrusts back into you at once. He has an insufferable smile covering his face, and his eyes closed in pleasure, appreciating the warmth of your cunt squeezing him in, welcoming his cock like you're made for him.
“Oh princess, I envied all the souls that had the pleasure of being near you.” He grabs your chin roughly forcing you to look into his eyes, your own eyes moist as you feel so inferior to him. “But what can they do now? What would they do now that I have you? I have you. I have you.” You pant as he bucks so deep into you, you can feel it hitting impossibly deep to the hilt.
“Y-you don't.”
“Oh?” He taunts. “Is that so, my heart? What does it look like to you?” He keeps his punishing pace into you, hands pressing down your womb where you can both feel the bump of his manhood shoving into you, balls repeatedly hitting your ass with every frantic thrusting. His sweat hitting your skin as he fucked you like a beast. “Because to me,” another harsh thrust, you moan and crave your nails on the skin of his back, legs wrapping around his waist. “It seems like I've won.”
Your eyes roll up your skull as he keeps hitting that sensitive spot, he was craving the sensation of your exploding orgasm, he craved to feel your cunt straining his cock as you milk his cock. His hand moves lower as his thrusts become more powerful, he rubs your clit. He hears your panting and moans into your ear like your sounds are a victory of its own.
You cling to him as his hips work you until your head falls backwards, the lights all on you as you spasm around him and his massive form still holding you for dear life. Loki finished with a bite down onto your neck, right next to your lifeline, biting a bruise as you felt him spilling into you.
You cling to him as you cease your rocking hips, he holds your tired legs down as he keeps himself rested inside you, calming down his breathing as your forehead touches his.
You look down and see the earlier blood smeared across your skin, you gulp, he feels your cunt clench from the sight and he gives a satisfied smile.
He coos you into his arms, embracing your form.
“I have you, princess.” He pulls out carefully and you hiss from oversensitivity. A long string of his cum coming out of you, you watch it with fascination as it runs down your thighs, moving a bit so it doesn't ruin the pristine throne. “I have you, my star.”
He conjures a knife again, and hands it to you. You watch it dazedly, the bliss really making you more fuzzy.
“Dearest,” he sweetly calls you, he's been doing that a lot, you notice. “The star needs to finish the show. The true leader. The one they're obsessed with, the true Star.”
You're limp as you take the news, you move the knife on your hands with a detached curiosity, it's clean now but you wonder for how long it's been used, and for what kind of things.
“I can't kill anyone.” You weakly say, afraid you'll disappoint, his eyes are wide but he still nods. He's quick to show you he's not disappointed.
He pats your hair and nuzzles your cheek with his face, getting your lips close to him so he can give you multiple and multiple kisses all over your face. You feel his affection like a healing balm in itself, you bathe yourself in it.
“It's okay, it doesn't need to be you.” He affirms, still passing his hands across your hair, and skin. He glanced at another actor, you hid your face again into his chest as you anticipate the cruel fate that'll obviously occur no matter what.
And it did, you heard another splash, someone else needed to die. You're shaking and your sobbing is louder than you wanted, Loki keeps you scooped onto him. He begins rocking you back and forth gently as a means to calm you down, cherishing you, babying you.
“The Star agrees for it to be the end, I presume?” He asks and you nod repeatedly. You just want it to end.
“Please… please, no more.” You beg weakly, he cradles you and coos some more, keeping you safely tucked in his arms, he starts to move around to stand up with you still clinging onto him like a koala.
“This will be all.” He gives a satisfied smile to the crowd of actors, the ones that survived shaking, trembling. Still meekly downing their heads as all actors do when a play's over. They rush to the exits, and Loki allows them.
“Shh, now.” He still asks of you as your cries are unstopping. “Please, love, it's over.”
“What will happen now?”
“I've told you, I'm the King. Nothing will happen, this play lasted for generations, it's the first opportunity I've had of making it my own. Centuries before you even dreamed to exist, but they don't dare to defy the King.” He patiently passes his hand up and down your back, holding you more to him. “We're safe. I told you. We're all safe.”
You guessed he wasn't going to refer to the dead people around you, or the ones that died in the way.
He takes a trembling you with him somewhere else, you don't know where you're going, but you don't have the bravery to peek out and see. You're still afraid to be the next.
You feel even more perverted everytime you think about death and feel his sticky cum running down your thighs, you feel even more perverted as you don't regret it.
“I'll take you to our chambers.” He says, as if it's nothing.
“Our chambers? Mine is…” He interrupts you. You check around and notice you're inside the cold castle, nobody's in sight but you and Loki.
“No…not yours, our chamber.” He recalls you. You shake your head clinging to his chest again, leaving out another sob.
“I'm sorry,” he continues, frowning now. “Do you hate me?” His voice trembles as he asks, your fists curled around his muscular chest as your mind fights to hate him, but you fear you don't. You don't want to tell him that you don't hate him. “This was more traumatic to you than I assumed it would be.”
Your eyes open as you try to look anywhere but his face, and as you peek at the floor, you see the shiny, bloody ghost face mask left on the floor. As if it's nothing now, as if nothing happened.
It gives you the chills.
“I-I, I've never had to–” You sob loudly. “Never thought I'd need to see- see people being murdered.” Your stinging eyes now struggled to keep open, you fought to breathe and to speak. He tries to calm you down and rubs over your clothed skin some more.
“My love, my heart, it's over now.”
Is it? Is it over? Was it all a huge nightmare? Your eyes squeeze shut as you wish for it to be all a giant, mean trick. But as you opened them, everything was real, and the blood, the cum, the memories, still very much present speckled across your impure skin.
“It's over.” He places you ever so gently down his giant bed, it felt heavenly, the pillows were so soft and the mattress smelled like paradise. It felt so heavenly you sighed out in relief, your bones received the touch against the bed like a treat. “It's been enough for this year, but we'll need to treasure the future performances.”
Your heart froze, of course. There were additionals.
“You don't need to worry about that now, my heart.” He pleads again, kissing you, you accept, and then pressing a gentle peck to your forehead. “For now, I'll let you relax. I'll prepare a bath for us, and I'll let you rest your divine mind into dreamland. Does this sound suitable?” He asks with a kind smile, smoothing his fingers over your wrists.
You clear your throat to say.
“Yes.”
“Perfect, my heart. As I have you, I'll take care of you. I've planned to have you as my Queen for a long time. I won't let it go to waste, I promise I'll take care of you.” He scoops you up to him again, he seemed to enjoy treating you like a princess a lot. Cradling his face next to yours. “One day you'll forgive me. But for now, for now, let me make you learn how to love me.”
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Taglist: @mischief2sarawr @dangertoozmanykids101
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Imagine being the one who releases Morpheus. - Part 2
[Part 1] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [ENDING] [ALT. ENDING] || A/N: I spilt the beans regarding my blog's name/title || Sandman-inspired playlist
For him, it's been mere hours but for you long years had passed where you had to learn life anew, without the comforts of privilege that your surname once provided you. Ever since Morpheus returned to his domain, his unkempt thoughts would slip away and slither back to the memory of your kind words and gentle eyes. After all, you had no reason to work against your father and set him free. You knew there was a real probability that Morpheus would kill you - a judge, jury and executioner in a world he didn't belong to - and yet you took that chance, believing in his assumed mercy. It was fairly foolish, even you knew that but it was also very human and that was an affliction you couldn't simply reason your way out of. That curious complexity Morpheus wasn't entirely capable of comprehending occupied a portion of his mind while he was busy rebuilding his kingdom.
When his realm was stable enough for the king himself to leave its grounds and venture into the Waking World once more, Morpheus followed your dreams and found himself in a small town by the sea. Looking around in search of your familiar face, he noticed someone sitting at the end of a long pier. They looked ethereal in their loneliness as people walking by the boulevard were either oblivious to their existence or consciously ignored them; the world of humans kept spinning in its usual rhythm and yet there was someone, a hermit by the endless waters, who existed next to it as if they were part of this world but the world wasn't exactly part of them.
Morpheus followed the pier, old and rotting planks creaking underneath his feet. As the sound of cars, people and dogs grew silent with every step he took towards the forgotten individual, it seemed as if he was crossing some invisible threshold between two parallel but not equal worlds. He was entering their seclusion as they once entered his.
You listened to the rhythm of his steps until they abruptly stopped close behind you. Looking over your shoulder, you saw exactly the same brooding man you helped escape a few years ago. There was something unnerving and yet comforting in the way nothing about him seemed to have changed. In some poetic way, you freed him from your father's malice entire years ago but he left that cold basement no earlier than yesterday.
"You haven't aged a day," you spoke up.
Not a shadow of any emotion passed by his features. "You did."
"Come on, sit." You patted the planks next to you.
"This is not a social call," he warned in a cold tone.
"Maybe not but I sure could use one."
Morpheus did not answer. Reluctantly, he approached the edge of the pier where you sat and only then did he notice a raft of mallards swimming around you. In your hands, you were holding a bag with cracked corn, oats and nuts. With an experienced flick of your wrist, you threw a handful of the mixed dry food to the ducks in the cold water below you. Pushing one another, each of the birds tried to eat as much as they possibly could.
"Where are we?" he asked. It was somewhat surprising to you that he had found you and yet did not know where exactly he did so. Maybe instead of following roads and signs, like people do, the King of Dreams relied upon a sense he was created with but one you could never relate to.
"Southend-on-sea, England. Right outside of London."
"Why here?"
His question had an interesting hidden suggestion that you had willingly chosen this place specifically to meet with him again when in fact you were never sure you would see Morpheus even one more time.
"Shh," you whispered as you raised your finger in a meaningful manner. "Just listen."
Surprisingly enough, Morpheus complied. At the tip of his tongue, he had a reprimand, reminding you that he was in no way your equal and you should never treat him as such but something made him discard that expression of his ego. The sound of waves crashing against the shore filled his ears. It was a rhythmic sough, one that brought tranquillity into the hearts of those hearing it despite its loudness. Seagulls were flying over his head, screaming their frustrations and hopes into the aether. With each breath, he smelt salt and algal bloom. In the presence of an otherworldly monarch, Mother Nature remained unmoved in her might, unimpressed with the oniric thaumaturge.
Being the King of Dreams, he had seen things more breathtaking and wonderful in their strangeness that the sight before him. Maybe in this fascination with nature's simplicity, he could find the key to your exceptionalism that he so desired to understand.
Listening to nature, a soft smile entered your face as you let out a tired sigh. "It's so peaceful in here. When you've grown up in a burning house, you simply assume the whole world is on fire. But it's not... It's not." Morpheus noticed how your voice was dripping with hope.
Watching you feed the ducks with corn, oats and seeds, Dream noticed something about your skin: there was a long scar on the back of your hand as if a beast of malice once dared to raise its horrible hand against you. The blemish was white in colour, a sign that the wound it was before was caused quite a long time ago; surely it wasn't a recent hurt. It did cross his mind that he was the reason for that scar - that fateful day when he broke free he paid for your kindness with a deep wound. Truthfully, it wasn't very king-like of him but at the same time he refused to take the blame for it: after all, he never did ask you to break open his prison.
"I never assumed I'd see you again, dear stranger," you interrupted the reflective silence.
"I was busy rebuilding my kingdom."
"So, Dream of the Endless, to what do I owe the pleasure of our reunion?" It was clear to you that an entity of his class wasn't one for welfare checks or anything like that. Wherever he appears, he had business to tend to there.
"I admit that it is knowledge I desire." Morpheus made a pause. "Why did you do it?"
For a moment, you simply watched his expressionless face. It felt almost funny that you could provide knowledge to someone who was probably as old as humanity if not even older. Whether either of you knew it at the moment - it didn't matter, not quite but Morpheus in his mundane lack of understanding of your motives, seemed no less humane than the pedestrians walking along the boulevard far behind you. The cold sea breeze tugged at your coat.
"The school I attended had a beautiful relief of lions and vines over the entrance with inscribed Seneca's quote: Dum iter homines sumus, colamus humanitatem. As long as we are human, let us be humane. That fateful day I did only that: I was humane."
"You are Rodrick's child. I could have killed you." Morpheus seemed to not quite be ready to let go of the notion that you, possibly, had an ulterior motive that you had discarded only upon basking in the might and glory of the King of Dreams.
"And it would have been your responsibility." What caught Dream's attention was your seeming lack of fear in the face of even hypothetical death. In his experience, people both craved and dreaded that fated moment. "What is kindness if not bravery in the face of cowardice and cruelty?"
"Had you no fear of your father's anger?" he changed the course of the conversation.
To you, it seemed nearly as if Morpheus came to you with a list of questions he wished to ask - like he was conducting research more than checking up on a past partner in crime if you could be called so.
"Oh, I did," you answered in a sad voice. Absentmindedly you rubbed the left side of your chest where Magus had burned a sacrilegious mark. It stopped hurting after you moved to the seaside, something about the humidity and salt bringing relief to the acute pain. "That day he disowned and cursed me, although what hex lies on me I do not know. In a way, I doubt I wish to ever know. The responsibility of such knowledge I might not withstand."
He had no doubts that you were strikingly different from humanity as a whole. You asked for nothing, you desired no power nor riches; you were strangely content not knowing. But that observation did not satiate his curiosity for Morpheus still did not comprehend why it was that way. The secret of your exceptionalism was still elusive to him. But, perhaps, he already had been given the exact answer he'd been seeking for the past years but something about him, some expectation he wasn't entirely aware of, prevented him from seeing it. Maybe he refused to accept that behind such dilemma and complexity stood a simple, very mundane and human, explanation.
Morpheus's eyes met yours. By the soft, understanding stare you gave him, he knew you had realized exactly what piece of knowledge he was seeking - the reason why he found you in the first place. He neither asked nor begged for he was a king. And yet you decided to answer his silent plea:
"Sometimes I think that it could be a truly revolutionary thought in its simplicity." To his utmost surprise, you grabbed Dream's hand. Your skin felt hot against his cold palm as if he was a corpse brought back to life by your burning touch. Firmly and yet gently, you held his hand as you poured some of the birdfeed into his palm. "That all it takes to make the world a little better, a little warmer, is just a little bit of tenderness."
You let go of his hand and suddenly the sea breeze felt a lot more freezing than Morpheus previously thought. Had he not known the pleasant warmth of your skin, the cold weather wouldn't be so severe to him then. The same chilly air shook him awake and Dream raised his hand above the raft of mallards and opened his fingers to let the birdfeed freely fall into the murky water.
Only then, when the seeds, oats and corn spilt from his open hand and into the water to be gobbled by hungered mallards, did Morpheus experience a truly human enlightenment: those birds owed him nothing and neither did he to them. They had no means of feeling gratefulness or of rewarding his good deed. The secret of human morality and its inborn complexity was revealed to him in all of its simplicity. The King of Dreams finally understood that you helped because you could. Because you wanted to. No other reason was needed for the love you spread wherever life guided you.
He thought back to your warm touch and how it burned his cold skin. In its absence, everything felt unbearably cold to the point of undermining his peace of mind. Was that... tenderness?
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Tagging people who were interested in a follow-up: @rosaren2498 @jessiboobdbdb @chantzmar @lexi-anastasia @bisexualunicronrunningloose
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my-my-my · 5 months
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Could you talk about Aizen"s relationship with Shinji? What he thinks about him? etc
Sure! This ask gave me an itch to reread TBTP because (much to my dismay), I wish we saw Aizen and Shinji interact during TYBW. I hope we see some added content in the anime, but I'm not holding my breath lol.
This is going to be more of a ramble/word dump so I apologize if it's not cohesive!
TW: none!
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I'm of the opinion that if there was anyone Aizen wanted to understand him (outside of Urahara), it would have been Shinji. I specifically think about this panel and how interesting it is that Kubo gave Aizen a sad look in his eyes. We don't really see sadness in Aizen, there's only one other scene where I vaguely recall him looking more sad/disappointed (vs him being bored/disappointed).
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(This is from Ch -316/TBTP 10)
We know from Shinji's side, he was always wary and somewhat cautious around Aizen. He never trusted him fully and kept him at arms length for everything. On one hand, this leads him to his downfall, but I also read it as Shinji having an immediate gut reaction to not trust Aizen and Shinji could never shake that off. He can be professional with Aizen, but he mentally cannot handle anything beyond that. Something about Aizen felt so fundamentally off to Shinji that he could not get close to him.
So I wonder if this bothered Aizen as well... Aizen is someone who meticulously crafted his persona. He was known to be kind, hardworking and diligent, but something about this persona immediately gave a warning to Shinji.
But I'm not gonna defend Aizen and say he crafted the "perfect" persona - because even he (in a roundabout way) admits he didn't. Even subconscious traits of the "real" Aizen comes through with every interaction Aizen and Shinji would have had with each other, but because of the wall Shinji mentally puts between the two of them, he cannot discern these traits. So while this adds to Aizen's "loneliness complex", it gives him leeway to add in stand-ins with Kyoka Suigetsu. And that's what disappoints Aizen at his core - even his own Captain can't recognize the little things about him.
And this leads me to think that Aizen and Shinji were Lieutenant and Captain for a few centuries at least. We know that at Nanao's graduation from the academy, Aizen was already the Lieutenant of Squad 5:
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(Ch. 652/The Theatre Suicide Scene 6)
So yes, Shinji may have had time to "understand" Aizen - but he doesn't. Even at the start of TBTP, Aizen asks Shinji what he's listening to and while Aizen doesn't understand jazz, instead of trying to get to "know" Aizen (even frivously), by asking him "what music do you even listen to then?" he tells him "why did you ask me that then?"
Another thing I noticed is that Aizen (during TBTP) asks a surprising amount of questions (it can be argued though that these are the hypnotized stand-ins asking). He's trying to gain as much knowledge as he can from other people, and Shinji isn't there to answer, or even acknowledge that he's asking questions. It's also "normal" for Aizen to be seen at the library, as Shunsui and the C46 didn't bat an eye at Aizen's alibi. While fundamentally Captain/Lieutenant relationships can really be any sort of dynamic (mentor/mentee, boss and personal assistant), I got the sense that Aizen didn't really "learn" much from Shinji about the ways of Soul Society. Shinji had a tight lip and only shared what needed to be shared likely for work-reasons.
And then there's their shikais! I found it fascinating how both of them have reality-altering shikais. Shinji's shikai being a complete distortion of senses, while Aizen's is subtle manipulation of senses. I don't really have any more to say for that, but I've interpreted this as their way of being honest with people. Shinji's manipulation of senses is very cognizant and deliberate - Shinji is blunt. Aizen's is subtle but traumatizing - you can't trust anything coming from Aizen.
I think though, Shinji's experience with Aizen shaped how he treats his Squad going forward. I have a soft spot for headcanons for how Squad 5 operates post-Aizen's incarceration. Shinji treats Momo much differently than he did with Aizen because he knows what it's like being used and completely victimized by Aizen. There's no point in him being on his guard against someone who was hurt just as badly as he was by Aizen's hand. There is a sense of camaraderie they share in that sense. No one (arguably) "knew" Aizen as much as they did because they worked with him in such close capacity. I'd love to know what lies and truths Aizen shared with them lol.
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Sorry again for this ramble, but thank you for this ask! Wish we see/have more Squad 5 content, but alas!
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sunnnfish · 4 months
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oh my GOD where do I begin. Uhhhmmm. Okay. So Love & Passion is a chapter is the Sasaki and Miyano: First Years novel. Every chapter in that book is from a different characters perspective, and Love & Passion is from Tashiro’s POV. It is mostly about tashiros first year of high school and his joining of the ping pong club. Here look at the cover illustration
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Going under a cut now due to exceeding length.
So like. There’s like. A Lot. Certifiably. Especially if you’re a tashiro enthusiast like me. Phenomenal characterization and narration that is usually very fun and lighthearted and tashiro-esque!
Gonzaburo Tashiro, first-year. At the moment, I’m facing an insurmountable barrier.
^ First lines of the chapter. He’s continuously very silly and like. Dramatic narrator. Yknow.
And such a personality lends itself to awfully poignant lines of crippling sincerity and simplicity that make me bawl my eyes out.
I don’t get it. What happened to the loneliness?
But of course tashiro doesn’t exist in a void to we have our delightful cast of his dear friends and acquaintances! Middle school bestie shirahama, who gets him into This Whole Mess (I’ll get to that later). Dearest Hanzawa Masato, who he makes various umh. Comments about.
“Game, set!” announced the referee, a second-year.
Man, he sounds so cool saying that.
As I stood there, drooping mentally and physically, I was approached by the guy who had refereed our match—the club’s vice president, Hanzawa.
And last but CERTAINLY not least. Dearest dearest previous president of the ping pong club!!!!
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There he is. The saulty little binch on the right.
And if you’re wondering why we call him that. Well. He’s never given a name. Ha ha! But he has such a presence. The way he speaks and moves and looks feels so intentionally intense and like. designed. He’s so on purpose. Makes me wonder if we’ll ever get a spinoff of hanzawa masato[GETS SHOT] ha ha sorry who said that. Anyways
Dearest previous president (prev pres for short) and hanzawa torment poor tashiro. Endlessly. From the moment he joined the club—which was kind of an accident (he and shirahama joined just to check it out but eventually wanted to quit, but to quit you had to win a ping pong match. Shirahama won his match against a newbie easy peasy. Tashiro got matched up against the president of the club himself. Obviously couldn’t win and thus forced to join the club permanently)—from the moment he joined the club, prev pres and hanzawa are like. All over him. Obsessed with him. He tries to skip practice but both of them come drag him out of him classroom to come practice.
But despite his desire to not really be there, he takes club so seriously. He’s so sincere about it. He knows everyone else there is really passionate about ping pong so he cant let himself be the odd man out and rain on everyone’s parade. And this paradox—being so avoidant of the club but coming to care about it and bond with other members—really catches the eye of dearest prev pres.
“I thought Tashiro’d be spoiling for a fight, but he isn’t. That’s what makes him a genius worthy of my inner circle. Remember that, Hanzawa, ‘cause when I graduate, you’re gonna be the next club president.”
“Yes, sir.”
“And I think that guy might be a good successor to you!”
Dearest tashiro overhears this and promptly realizes the two freaks he’s met will not let him out of this. Ever. But he tells himself he’ll decline the offer. Surely they’ll find “someone more appropriate. Someone more serious about the club, maybe.”
And this is what like. Gets to the heart of this chapter. Love & Passion. AND REALLY QUICK touching on the fact that all the other chapters are named in ways that refer to specific characters. They’re all in pairs, and the chapter cover art reflects that too. She & Kuresawa. Miyano & Kuresawa. Sasaki & Miyano. Senior & Junior. SO IT MAKES YOU THINK. Who is love and who is passion. Anyways Tashiro meets and knows these various people around him and they’re all so passionate about what they do and what they like. Shirahama ends up joining the basketball club and gets really into it. Miyano and kuresawa are passionate about their books and clubs. Hanzawa and previous president are passionate about ping pong. Tashiro is passionate about… ? he doesn’t really know.
We so rarely know what other people’s passions are.
“Are you into anything, Tashiro?” Ms. Toyoda asked, and I flinched.
“Uh, me? I dunno. I guess I hadn’t really thought about it.” I racked my brain for anything I might be passionate about, but nothing came to mind.”
Later in the chapter he participates in a ping pong tournament and its like. He’s like the rush of it all and cheering for him teammates and stuff but. He doesn’t cry like everyone else when he loses.
Still, when I saw players from other school practically weeping when they lost, I couldn’t help wondering: What made them so different from me? I didn’t have the passion within me to cry when I lost.
Maybe that’s what real passion looks like. What did I have, then?
But something held me back, a sense that ‘passion’ was reserved for something you really, truly loved. Something you couldn’t replace, couldn’t even dream of giving up.
Ping-pong isn’t exactly the hill I would die on. But then again…
And he kinda goes through this arc where its like. Im not passionate about this like everyone else. But it has given me a goal to work towards.
And amidst all that We also get into what tashiro gets up to outside of school. Namely, he frequents a bath house where hes become the grandchild of all the old people that also frequent the place. And he also practices ping pong with his new grandpas, because he totally doesnt care about ping pong. He just. Wants to win. So he can beat the president and leave. Yeah thats it.
But he never does get around to beating the president before he has to graduate. Queue the moment that makes me the most insane
“So you’re never coming back, President?” I said.
“I ain’t President anymore.”
“Not the point! I haven’t beat you yet…” I clenched my fists, a yawning, lonely feeling of loss opening within me.
“Ahh. You mean the thing about getting to quit if you win? The next president’ll keep that promise. Dont’ you worry.”
“What?”
I don’t get it. What happened to the loneliness?
The new president—in other words, Hanzawa.
This like. Special relationship hes had with the president. This game of cat and mouse remains unfulfilled. And he feels loss and he feels lonely about it. But at the same time he can renew that relationship with Hanzawa. And it suddenly doesn’t feel so lonely anymore. And its the simplicity and bluntness of this whole exchange is what really sells it—tashiro is not particularly eloquent. He’s brash and blunt but extremely observant. And thats reflected in his chapters. He recognizes the ways other people interact with the world and their expressions and language. And its so like. Factual to him. It is the way it is. And that observancy is applied to himself too. This feels lonely. Oh. This doesn’t feel lonely anymore. But he doesnt necessarily have the self-reflection to understand why he feels certain things. Anyways.
And amidst all THAT theres these few moments where he gets this really weird adjacency to queerness. Like. If i had a nickel for every moment he asked about queer people, id have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but its strange it happened twice.
First one:
Miyano’s hobby was man-on-man romance comics. I sometimes wondered about that (like, even though he’s a guy?),
Second one, where hes relaxing in the bathhouse common area and is listening to the old ladies talk about yuri.
Finally, I asked, “What’s yuri?”
“You don’t know? It’s stories of love between girls!”
“Huh, Haven’t heard of that one before…” I guess Ms. Toyoda and her friends had been into reading that sort of thing many years ago, and now their interest was being rekindled thanks to their grandchildren. “I didn’t realize women liked stories about girl-on-girl love, too…”
And its like. ITS NOT MUCH I KNOW. But it really is so weird it happened twice. Why did author Hachijo Kotoko do this. What does it mean. AND THEN IT ALL COMES BACK TO THE TITLE. Love & Passion.
I may not have that burning love that Miyano or Ms. Toyoda have, I thought.
Like. Specifically calling out the love miyano and Ms. Toyoda have. For queer stories. It sits so strange with me. Oddly meaningful but i dont know what it means.
Anyways. There’s also a really good shirahama and tashiro moment that i could get into but. I wont. Yet.
Anyways again. All that writing and i feel like i haven’t even touched on everything. Did not talk nearly enough about hanzawa’s presence but like. It’s very specific and hard to explain. But i also have an incessant desire to just quote like the entire chapter. So just go try to read it if you can. I unfortunately don’t know of any sources online but who knows. The book also has a second tashiro pov chapter so like. Cannot recommend it enough. I love tashiro gonzaburou so so much. He’s everything to me. Peace and love on planet tashiro.
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hey #1 sayaka fan (appointed by me) . how do you come up with your compositions and stuff?? like the colors u use and just generally how ur drawings are layed out, do you have any inspiration or is it just from your brain? absolutely love them ‼️‼️‼️
Oh, hello. ^^ Firstly, thank you for graciously giving me the title of the "number 1 Sayaka fan". I can think of a few people who like her way more than me, though! Anyways. You have provided me an unfortunate opportunity to ramble incoherently about my main inspirations.
Aside from acknowledging that Gekidan Inu Curry is a titular player of how my madomagi works turn out, I very much like video games a lot, specifically the abstract, no-explanation-walking-task-simulator types. Visuals and music combined can help create an otherworldly ambience unlike any other, even more so appealing if the graphics are striking, colourful, and personalised. They sort of resemble liminal spaces, and I want those vibes in my works. It's hard to directly translate them into my own drawings.
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Dull colours are very effective at being gloomy, but since I'm not good at mixing them together, I often end up sticking to bright ones instead. Whenever I draw Sayaka, I also like to imagine that I'm drawing her in a world where she is the only inhabitant wandering around in it, so that's the 'composition' part. Everything in her world is lonely and vast but ambiguous in a way that feels unintentionally hostile. Music can also affect this. Did you know loneliness can be heard too?
I mentally revisit the colours and visuals of games I have previously played and kind of rotate Sayaka around in them and see what clicks for her that day. I also like putting a bunch of 'boxes' in my drawings of her, which are panels that show something happening elsewhere entirely - they are the way they are since I struggle to blend two different scenarios of Elsewhere in the same drawing. It's meant to resemble the weird, clunky interfaces of the games I like, essentially making it a drawing with interactive mechanics that don't exist.
It is also fun to try and put as much nonsense into her surroundings as possible. Because why shouldn't you give her a bunch of different irrelevant things to look at. Most of the time, though, my backgrounds are fairly empty, since I want Sayaka to be within the frame of focus, and the only thing for others to look at. Having spontaneous close-up shots of the character's face and experimenting with that also yields interesting results. < That's a lot of words to pretend I know what I'm doing.
I do take inspiration from other artists' works as well, but I'm too reluctant/awkward to post their drawings here or mention them. There is probably a lot more that I am forgetting to mention, but this is all I can compose for now. I hope it has been satisfactory. Thank you for the ask!
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overthinkingfandom · 2 years
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Protagonist Paradigm Exemplar - A character analysis of Tommy
(Part 1)
/rp /dsmp
The topic of Tommy’s hero complex is a discussion that pops up every now and then in fandom. 
The discussion is often framed around a couple of specific moments: The time Techno asked Tommy whether he wanted to be a hero on Nov 16, and the time Dream accused him of wanting to be one during the Disc Finale. 
Many people rightfully point out that being a hero is the last thing Tommy wants. He isn’t someone who’s praticulary driven by justice to protect the weak and helpless. Nor is he looking to be the person to swoop in and save the day, praised and admired for his heroics. In fact, he would probably be more than happy to never be involved with a war or a high stakes conflict for the rest of his life. 
However, by focusing so much on those two specific moments the discussion gets railroaded in a particular direction. One that focuses on the idea of “hero” in the context of Theseus and Greek heroes.
Yet that’s not the only possible meaning the word “hero” can have. A lot of people use it as a synonym for the main character of a story. The protagonist. To be clear, despite being used interchangeably by many, protagonist doesn’t mean “hero”. It doesn’t even mean “good guy”. It merely means “main character”.
Having said that, we know Tommy doesn’t think of himself as a hero like the Greeks, but does he think of himself as a hero like a protagonist?
Tommy: “What if- what if the protagonist over there had a family bond that you simply couldn’t comprehend due to your loneliness on this server and lack of family, so he had to stick with him even though there might have been a slight amount of reluctance in there. Also, he’s had some pretty hard times over these past few months, such as exile uh depression uh lots of terrible things so maybe you should go light on this protagonist.”(x)
Yes. Yes he does.  
This protagonist complex is something which accompanies the character from his very first days on the server and affected much of his development throughout the plot, but the true origin of Tommy’s protagonist complex started before even that. 
It started with the very conception of the character.
Roleplay has always been a part of DSMP’s identity in one way or another. However, back when it first started it was more along the lines of a sketch comedy or a sitcom rather than the epic character-based tale we have today. The ccs would log on and play their personas, bouncing off each other and causing all kinds of shenanigans before eventually resolving it. There was no script to follow, instead the plot was formed through a combination of roleplay and improv etiquette. 
It’s no surprise then that many of those personas took on qualities of the archetypes common in sitcoms. Those archetypes are more than just a collection of personality traits, they often also indicate the role a character has in the joke so it’s easy to fall into them naturally when looking to create humor through character interactions. The influence of those archetypes can be seen most clearly in Tommy’s character, but they also helped shape many of the other characters who grew from their streamer’s persona (like Tubbo, Fundy or Ponk, to name a few).
For cc!Tommy, his persona was a mix between what the industry calls Loveable Loser and what Tv Tropes calls unsympathetic comedy protagonist. 
Loveable Losers are common sitcom protagonists. They’re those characters who are driven by their want for something, and in their quest for getting that want they’ll manage to go about it in all the wrong ways. Most of the humor with them comes from their impulsive ideas that are bound to get them in trouble as well as their ability to dig themselves deeper once consequences come knocking. The archetype is very much defined by the character losing, and making that loss as hilarious as possible for the audience. 
Which is why it’s a natural fit for the unsympathetic comedy protagonist trope. Despite the name, the trope isn’t about characters who are so hateable no one could sympathize with them. They’re about characters who make it easy to laugh at their misfortune when they bring it upon themselves with their harebrained ideas or by being a jerk. 
Of course watching such a character would get tiring fast, so the “loveable” part comes in to balance it out. Whether through their charisma, hidden heart of gold or just an otherwise adorable or cool manner, the character endears themselves to the audience with their charm and makes it fun to watch them, not just to watch them fail. 
cc!Tommy relied a lot on what makes those archetypes function in his streams. There was this routine he would do in the early days of the server. He would log on, hatch up a zany scheme (often one which involved getting power, scamming someone or scamming someone in order to get power) and set about implementing it until something went wrong or he provoked people enough that they decided to retaliate.
What followed next was sure to be hilarious. With everyone else also being some shade of asshole, it made it easy to laugh no matter whether our loveable loser ended up bemoaning losing all of his stuff in the conflict again or if he somehow managed to overcome all the obstacles in his way and emerge victorious. 
Part of what made this routine so compelling is that it gave cc!Tommy a great way to generate conflict and keep things exciting. Conflict, as we all know, is the bread and butter of stories and indeed that’s what his streams ended up feeling like. Like a story where things were happening, rather than just people hanging out on a live stream. 
When cc!Wilbur joined the server the roleplaying really went up a notch. The scope of the bits increased. No longer did they fully revolve around minecraft mechanics - with the main sources of conflict being stolen items or murdered pets - but now they were also about drug monopolies and rebelling countries. 
The comedy show aspect was still there but it existed alongside other kinds of stories being told. Sometimes more literally than others. It’s well known that during the Independence War cc!Wilbur and cc!Tommy were constantly referencing the musical Hamilton, with cc!Wilbur taking on the role of the mentor character, George Washington, while cc!Tommy adopted the role of Hamilton, the main character himself. 
However, unlike the sitcom archetype cc!Tommy played up to that point, the character of Hamilton embodied a more heroic archetype. The impulsive sort, who doesn’t think before he acts but has his heart in the right place. Who despite all his faults still wants to do the Right Thing. You know the one.
That archetype wasn’t hard to incorporate into Tommy's existing characterization. He was already impulsive and not prone to much thinking. He had enough Pet The Dog moments to show that he did indeed have a golden heart underneath all of his many flaws. The only problem was the part about doing the Right Thing.
You see, sitcom characters don’t often concern themselves with the morality of an action, at least not anything beyond what could get them into trouble. Philosophizing too much about Right and Wrong tends to kill the humor, especially when the characters are all assholes to one degree or another. As such, the archetype doesn’t have many internal values associated with it in that regard. 
The heroic archetype… also doesn’t have many values associated with it, surprisingly enough. It wants to do the Right Thing but once we start looking at specific details they get a bit scarce. Heroic characters rarely fight because of a specific ideology. More often than not they do so because they have some kind of personal stake in the issue. Those who do fight for a specific ideology tend to be portrayed somewhere in the range between a well intentioned extremist and a villain. 
Still, there are some commonalities which tend to emerge. Power is Bad, unless the Right People have it. The status quo is Good, or at most it was Good until the villains made it Bad. Fighting for the personal is more heroic than fighting for the utilitarian big picture. Etc, etc…
Yet, where in most heroic characters those values are baked into the personality (to various levels of success), with Tommy’s character they’re tacked on top the sitcom archetype. Something which creates a lot of dissonance between what the character says he values versus what his actions show he values. 
The combination of those two archetypes creates another interesting aspect to it. Both of them are commonly seen with main characters. It makes it easy to look at Tommy’s character and see him as a protagonist, if only because of how familiar that kind of character is. It doesn’t help that cc!Tommy plays into that familiarity because, well… 
cc!Tommy: “Until the exile arc my character was basically just me cause I just assumed I was the main character.”(x)
However, DSMP is not a book or a movie. It’s a roleplay, it has no main characters. Or alternatively, everyone is a main character. Everyone is complex and three-dimensional, with their own agendas and internal worlds that don’t revolve around any other character. Furthermore, it’s a story told live on a minecraft server. The cc’s ability to make the world of the story bend over backwards for the sake of the plot is pretty limited. While stuff can be arranged, it’s not common. 
So what we end up with is a character who acts like he’s the main character, expects the story to revolve around him like the main character, but isn’t actually the main character. 
What we end up with is a character who has all the makings to be someone with a protagonist complex.
Of course, just because a character has the potential to develop a protagonist complex doesn’t mean they will. While those OOC reasons planted seeds, it’s really the plot and the character’s history which really made Tommy’s protagonist complex blossom.
We see those seeds in the way c!Tommy acted during the pre-L’manburg era. From the very beginning he viewed himself as set apart or more important than other people, whether it be by thinking he’s above rules he himself set(x) or by barging into meetings and talking over people to insist his issues were more important than whatever problem they were dealing with(3:43). At his worst, he went so far as to completely disregard any problems people had with him(x).
We see it also in the way he approaches morality, thinking he’s always a good person(x) or in the right(x) regardless of circumstances, as well as judging if someone is his friend by whether they’re on his side or not(x). Protagonist centered morality is what happens when a story treats everything the main character does as Right simply because they’re the main character. Usually it’s a meta trope, used to discuss the narrative, but here we see that Tommy believes in-universe this is how the world works. 
Yet that belief is not confined to a single trope. Just in general Tommy seems to believe that life runs on narrative conventions. 
Tubbo: “Wait what made us in the right to begin with? Maybe we’re the bad guys.”
Tommy: “No because we’re the funny guys and they’re always in the right.”(x)
Is it any surprise then that when Wilbur came on the server, spinning tales of evil tyrants and heroic revolutionaries, Tommy believed him wholeheartedly? 
Not only did the stereotypical story make sense within his existing worldview, it came from Wilbur. Wilbur, who was Tommy’s guiding light. The one he trusted to point him in the right direction and hold him back if he goes too far. His mentor in all but name. 
So when the time came to create and fight for L’manburg, Tommy threw himself into playing a persona that would fit the role of heroic underdog revolutionary that Wilbur’s tale laid out for him. As a result, L’manburg lies in the core of the persona he builds, in more than one way.
There are the obvious moments, like the ones we see during the Independence War where Tommy acts for the sake of L’manburg. Nothing says “heroic main character trying to salvage a hopeless situation” quite like butting into the leaders’ surrender negotiations(x) or making the fate of the entire country lay on his shoulders in a one on one duel with the enemy leader(x). Even the character arc Tommy acted out during all of it, of learning to believe in something bigger than himself and act on that belief - to be selfless for a change - fits the heroic persona he was playing.
(And it is playing rather than a genuine arc. Tommy shows a few notable moments of change, such as when he refrains from griefing Dream’s house or gives up the discs for L’manburg’s independence, but there’s no consistent followup on them later down the line. He continues to grief others and even ends up endangering L’manburg in his quest to get the discs without so much as reflecting on those acts. No actual internal change came from this arc, not even one that Tommy ended up backsliding on. 
As cc!Wilbur said: “[Tommy] flips his values radically based on tiny non-emotional changes in his environment.”(x) For this reason, I’m describing him as acting a heroic persona which fits his situation rather than say he’s a heroic character with flaws.)
There are subtler ways in which L’manburg influenced Tommy’s protagonist complex as well. One of the first real values Tommy picks up, the values that actually stick with him and consistently influence his actions, is that L’manburg is Good. A value which was only reinforced by him trading the discs to secure its freedom. After all, his discs were Good, right? And if he gave them for L’manburg’s sake that must mean that L’manburg was also Good. Good enough to be worth his precious discs. 
But more than that, L’manburg only existed because of his discs. Because of him. Or at least that’s how Tommy saw it. More than once he brought up how he gave up his discs for L’manburg(x) in order to argue that it’s worth preserving and keeping. In fact, it can be argued he felt entitled to L’manburg for his role in its creation. 
On the flipside, feeling like L’manburg is his meant that any attacks against the country felt personal, like they were attacking all that Tommy did in order to preserve the country. And considering how L’manburg has been in the center of most conflicts on the server up until it got blown up for good, that made Tommy feel like all those conflicts were personal to him. Even when the other side's desire to destroy L’manburg was completely unrelated to Tommy. 
This only reinforced the mindset that he was the one at the center of the story, the one the narrative of the world orbited around. A mindset that eventually led him to proclaim, “This server wasn’t about- this! It wasn’t- It was about me and Tubbo fighting Dream!”(x) when he saw the world moved on and changed during the month he was stuck in prison and/or dead.
(For the sake of not being misunderstood: Yes, Tommy said that because he was freshly traumatized from the events of the prison and his death. No, this does not contradict what I just said. That trauma didn’t create the sentiment behind this quote, it just brought Tommy to a mental state where it became a problem.)
We see Tommy’s possessiveness over L’manburg most obviously after Schlatt wins the elections. When Wilbur does his bad guys speech and asks if he’s the villain for trying to overthrow Schlatt, Tommy answers that he isn’t because “we started L’Manburg and… we should have won that vote.”(x) Even after Wilbur challenges him, correctly pointing out that Schlatt’s appointment is completely legal, Tommy continues acting like Schlatt usurped the throne of L’manburg away from its rightful heirs. 
Yet for all of the ways in which Schlatt threatens Tommy during the Pogtopia arc, the one who truly leaves his mark is WIlbur. 
Much of Tommy’s protagonist complex can be traced back to Wilbur’s influence in one way or another, an influence that is inextricably linked to the way Tommy sees him as his mentor. Despite being more self aware about it, Wilbur also acts like life runs on narrative conventions. This reinforced Tommy’s own belief, both because Tommy adopted a lot of Wilbur’s mannerisms but also because Wilbur treated him like a protagonist. 
Wilbur: “And here’s Tommy. Here’s the man of the hour himself, Tommyinnit. The protagonist is finally here.”(x)
He even went out of his way to put Tommy in the spotlight sometimes. Such as when it was time to kill Schlatt and Wilbur decided to give Tommy the “honor”, despite there being people (like Niki, Tubbo or Quackity) who have an equal or greater claim to that honor due to being personally victimized by Schlatt(x).
But Wilbur’s biggest influence came from his downward spiral. “Let’s be the bad guys,” He told Tommy, “let’s blow that whole thing up!”. In that moment Tommy’s mentor died, stepping out of the story and leaving in his place a threat he had to contend with. 
Like any mentor dying, this too forced the “hero” to stand on his own two feet rather than rely on someone else. It’s at this point in time that Tommy really internalizes the role. If Wilbur kept talking about being the Bad Guy, Tommy - who wants to stop him - is by implication the Good Guy. 
We see it in the words he chose to use when arguing against WIlbur. “[Blowing L’manburg up] isn’t the moral thing to do,”(x) He told Wilbur when they first discussed it. A sentiment he didn’t express a few days before when he wanted to torch Manburg to the ground to avenge Wilbur’s honor after Fundy disowned him as a father. 
Tommy: “Wilbur, take one look at Manburg. Cause it ain’t no more!”(x)
Because really, it’s not that Tommy suddenly gained a conscience about property damage. He didn’t. Even months later he would suggest blowing up the community house and had to be talked down(x). Rather, it’s Tommy retreating further into the “heroic” role in order to distance himself from Wilbur’s “villainous” role. 
(Ironically enough, it’s at this point where he embraces the “heroic” role the most that he starts to reject the narrative Wilbur creates for him. The one that places him as the most important person. The one that would place Tommy as the president.)
Wilbur’s tales worked too well, and by the time Pogtopia came Tommy bought into the myth of L’manburg just as much as he bought into the myth of his discs, in a way that was independent of its origin. Seeing Wilbur - the man who came up with the idea and taught it to Tommy and bolstered his faith when it faltered. Seeing that man trying to shatter the myth and go against it shook Tommy to the core. It would’ve been like seeing Tubbo trying to burn his discs. 
The more Wilbur spoke about destroying L’manburg the more Tommy dug his heels into the opposite position. If Wilbur wanted to blow it up, Tommy made sure to not allow a block to be out of place, even if he needed to grief Manburg as a distraction(x). If Wilbur went around calling himself the villain, Tommy would pull out the most stereotypical heroic arguments regardless of how relevant they were to the situation(x). 
All of this, in addition to Wilbur’s death, left a deep imprint on Tommy. So much so that even months later he talks about the way Wilbur’s “let’s be the bad guys” line rings through his head when he tries to sleep(x). The ghost of that experience haunts him and even without Wilbur around Tommy tries to distance himself from being the “bad guy”.
However, it’s important to note that there’s a very specific kind of “bad guy” he tries to avoid. The image of the “bad guy” Wilbur evoked in his speech and downward spiral. Image being the key word here. 
For all he talks about not wanting to be the bad guy, he sure doesn’t mind taking the same actions said bad guys take. That double standard is there in many of his actions, but we can see it even with his objection to Wilbur’s plan to blow up L’manburg. I’ve already talked about how he’s not really opposed to property damage, but one may argue that the thing Tommy took issue with was abandoning L’manburg rather than the way it was done. 
Tommy: “So you have all the discs?”
Tubbo: “I believe so, yes.”
Tommy: “So- Sit with me, Tubbo. Right now we could- I mean we could run away from here and we’d never have to- We have everything we ever wanted.”
Tubbo: “We have everything we care about.”
Tommy: *resolute* “No. We can’t. We’re here for L’manburg. We’re not giving up now. We’re gonna restore it.”(x)  
Except later in the day, after Wilbur made his speech and Tommy argued with all those pretty words, Tommy considered the very thing he condemned Wilbur for. 
While he ends up deciding not to, the way he frames those two situations is very different. With Wilbur he framed it as a moral issue. But when he himself considered the idea, Tommy framed it more along the lines of whether it’s worth it to fight. Not because L’manburg may not be worth saving, but because the fight is hard and they may lose. 
What we see here is Tommy’s protagonist centered morality from the early days after it has been entangled with the myth of L’manburg and the heroic role Tommy has been playing all this time. By the time the events of Pogtopia finished, that mindset grew much worse. 
This was not helped at all by what came next.
Exile.  
Exile did many things, but most importantly in the context of Tommy’s protagonist complex, it cemented Dream’s role as an irredeemable evil villain. Where before he saw Dream as his arch nemesis but still could accept the good sides in him (to the point where he seemed genuinely surprised that Dream wasn’t on their side during for the Pogtopia-Manburg war(x)), now the resulting trauma clouded over any attempt to see Dream outside that role. 
Something which Dream abused mercilessly.
In order to pull off the Disc Finale the way he wanted to, Dream had to make sure his actions won’t be looked at too closely. Many of his actions and mistakes would make anyone familiar with his methods raise an eyebrow simply by how stupid they are for achieving his stated goal there. That level of scrutiny wasn't good for someone who relies on information warfare as much as Dream does. 
So for the sake of masking his goals and win conditions, Dream played into Tommy’s existing expectations. All of which were colored through his belief that the world runs on narrative conventions with Tommy as the protagonist. 
Confirmation bias is a powerful tool and we see Dream continuing to adjust his persona to give Tommy exactly what he expected. “Why?” Tommy asked, and Dream answered: “The server will be at peace now.” “Couldn’t you just do it to me?” Tommy continued, and Dream changed tracks: “This is much more fun.”(x)
The way Dream went about Doomsday was in large part because he needed to establish his supervillain persona before the Disc Finale so it won’t seem like it came out of nowhere. As soon as he got his hands on Tubbo’s disc, Dream switched from his normal, more reasonable demeanor to that of a blatant villain. The more stereotypical the better. 
Techno: “Dream, Dream, what’s our plan for tomorrow? Why did you give them a full day? We could’ve been back there in like thirty minutes, Dream.”
Dream: “Well, it’s like an evil villain thing, right? Like you give them time and then-”
Techno: “Ah, an evil villain thing. Cringe. Been watching too much anime.”(x)
From Tommy’s POV, this didn’t seem like an abrupt change but rather Dream taking off the mask and showing his true colors, confirming what he always thought about him.
In fact, everything from exile up until the Disc Finale served to confirm and reinforce Tommy’s perception that the world runs on narrative conventions. Not necessarily because all of it was meant to cause that impression, but because thinking this way made it easier for Tommy to cope with all he has been through. 
Tommy: “I fucking miss when times were simpler. When all I had to worry about was defeating one big green guy.”(x)
Seeing the world through narrative conventions allowed Tommy to make sense of things. There are certain ways in which stories go. Consistent arcs and patterns that show up over and over again. If Tommy is the protagonist and Dream his antagonist, that makes the way forward clear. He can rely on tropes and countless other stories told before to figure out what’s going on and put it in context. 
But it’s also something that brings comfort. Stories are neat in a way that life isn’t. The good guys win, people learn to be better and once the bad guy is taken down everything is resolved. Tommy held on to the hope that once Dream was defeated, it would all turn out alright, even when Dream’s defeat didn’t logically solve the problems he was facing(x).
Dream’s supervillain persona being so stereotypical and generic made it easier for Tommy to believe in it. It played into two of his beliefs at the same time. Both that life runs on narrative conventions and that Dream is a mustache twirling villain. He had no problem believing Dream would monologue his actual plans or have an evil lair where he puts his schemes on display, because that’s just how villains act, right? 
And if Dream is the evil villain and Tommy opposes him, that makes Tommy the hero right? The only one, by choice or by fate, who’s capable of stopping the villain’s evil. 
Tommy: “[Dream] was just here to make sure- ‘cause I’m the only one that will thwart him. I’m the only one that Dream’s scared of.”(x)
As a result, Tommy ends up defining himself in large part through his opposition to Dream, which has the same effect as his desperate attempt to distance himself from Wilbur and the “villainous” label he chose during Pogtopia. Only by comparing himself to Dream he also exacerbates his tendency to think he’s always in the right. After all, when the bar for “evil” is set as low as Dream placed it, any lesser fault comes across as inconsequential. 
We can see the results of how much he defined himself in his opposition to Dream in him saying that he feels like he has no purpose without Dream(x). We can also see it in his mindset in exile. In fact, this mindset is what allowed him to escape exile in the first place, which is another reason why it’s so hard for him to let go of that mindset. 
However, it also opened him up to being more easily manipulated by Dream. Someone who always says no is just as easy to manipulate as someone who always says yes, the key is just presenting your goals as the opposite of what they actually are and then watch the victim rush to be a contrarian. Lying to Tommy also became significantly easier by abusing that persona and narrative conventions to get him to believe it. 
Something the Disc Finale shows perfectly. Dream set up the confrontation and played the villain to a T, allowing Tommy to get a storybook ending while giving Dream exactly what he wanted. 
This storybook ending marks Tommy’s “completion” of his hero’s journey, and unfortunately it also marks Tommy’s protagonist complex being fully cemented.
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lovecanbesostrange · 6 months
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ouattober2023 Day 4: Fav Quote
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"You're Frankenstein. And I'm the werewolf. I ate my boyfriend. Regina thought she was punishing us by erasing who we were. But I think she underestimated how much crap we wanted to forget."
-- Ruby, 2x12 In the Name of the Brother
I can't do pretty graphics to collect some funny, insightful, inspiring moments. But I can think of one of my favorite scenes from Season 2, that set up a big theme (that sadly wasn't followed through imho) and I can ramble about it.
First of all shout out to the FrankenWolf shippers out there. While I'm not invested, I can see the appeal to this. This moment set up a monster angle nicely, a cool contrast to the (Disney) fairytale about princesses and love. It's a step removed from just villain, monsters can live in the inbetween. Imagine Ruby and Whale being around when Mr Hyde showed up (throw in a vampire, because Storybrooke deserves to have a previously unmentioned castle somewhere with a suspiciously coffin-shaped table in the living room).
So, that quote? Masterful. Even in a town filled with all sorts of people of peculiar backgrounds (dwarves, fairies, witches, talking animals), some come with a stigma, marked as bad. This goes with what Leroy says in the same episode, when he mentions E.T. and getting cut up by the government, which goes for everything magic. A follow-up to him and Ruby bringing up that point the episode prior. Some magic wasn't even liked in the Enchanted Forest. It was a dangerous place, not just songbirds and romance.
Not to be a Regina-apologist (yes, given them indoor plumbing surely improved some aspects of life), she very much doomed them to a certain kind of misery. But I love how Ruby here - without anybody of significance (sorry, Whale) hearing - frames the curse as a second chance. Free from the burden of accidentally killing her True Love. Free from the wolf altogether, until magic hit (which is Rumple's doing). It is also interesting to remember that for Regina to enjoy her triumph, she had to remember everything that had happened. She had to keep the good and the bad for her victory. The townsfolk lived mundane lives, void of their happy endings, but also not knowing the full horrors of their lives (look at all the trauma that gets uncovered later on).
For the whole of Season 2 this is a great moment. It goes hand in hand with David and Mary Margaret arguing about where to live, do they even want to go back? It follows up on how dangerous it could be to have magic in a world without magic (becoming a circus attraction). It's also a reminder that "back home" means tragedy and misery for some. What does it mean to have this second "modern world persona" intigrated, to be a somewhat new person.
Of course being the Ruby stan I am, I love this quote for the simple angst of it all. And the way Ruby speaks about Peter's death is a whole evolution. (So far as to maken a joke out of it in front of Merida and Mulan, until she finally uses the word "killed" instead of "ate" when talking to Dorothy.) The whole monster-to-monster thing is cute and I wouldn't have minded a friendship coming out of it. A specific perspective when confronting new threats. And I wish I could have seen Ruby laughing in Regina's face "You think being held back in life by staying with my sick grandma is the worst??". Cursed!Ruby was a naive smalltown girl dreaming big, she was not happy and felt stuck. Yeah, sure sucks. But Red carried the burden of killing innocent people unknowingly and even killing her own mother, when choosing herself instead of what anybody else wants her to do. Red's freedom came with a high price. (And then her loneliness continues, while her friends move on, oops.)
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pocketsizedquasar · 6 months
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you asked for lore questions so. do you have any particular starhab Thoughts today
HI I MISSED THIS SOMEHOW but yes the answer to this question is always yes. i always have Them thots
recently, i’ve mostly been rotating what i’ve been uncreatively calling Good AU (AU where Starbuck actually Talks To ahab and they have a proper conversation and convinces him to turn around but not before at least 3 therapy sessions which may or may not involve passive-to-active suicidality on both their parts wahoo)
which is generally the AU i’m always rotating; @coulson-is-an-avenger have been talking abt it for literally 9+ months (n they have made some related fics before me, bc i’m slow <3 /positive) — but right now specifically, since i’ve finally started Actually writing it in the past couple weeks, i’m thinking a lot abt the beginning/setup of the au, which is aforementioned conversations/therapy sessions/breakdowns
more specifically, i’m thinking lots about how melville writes both ahab and starbuck as such deeply, intrinsically lonely people in different ways, and about how some of that loneliness is self inflicted and some of it isn’t. w starbuck especially… (i’ve talked abt this in the comments of a comic page before but) there’s the obvious element of loneliness that comes from losing most of his family to whaling, and having to be away from his wife and child for so long, and being seemingly the only person for a while on this boat who thinks there might be something wrong with ahab, but there is also an element of self-inflicted loneliness too: in Dusk, he specifically mentions the “heathen crew” and how much he feels apart from them. “Oh, God! to sail with such a heathen crew that have small touch of human mothers in them! Whelped somewhere by the sharkish sea. The white whale is their demigorgon.” his whiteness (and racism) and christianity is an element of isolation for him.
melville very regularly and deliberately highlights whiteness as a tool of isolation. ishmael only heals and becomes less lonely when he eschews christian “kindness” — “I’ll try a pagan friend, thought I, since Christian kindness has proved but hollow courtesy.” ahab is excluded and isolated from this world, for various untold reasons, though we can infer that some of them result from his disability (and, if you’re like me, an argument for reading ahab as nonwhite): “socially, Ahab was inaccessible. Though nominally included in the census of Christendom, he was still an alien to it.”
and starbuck—starbuck is of this world, this world of hollow courtesy and alienation, this world of nantucket quakers, which ishmael so poignantly describes as stifling and insular and strict. it is this — this whiteness, this hollow christianity, this learned racism — which prevents Starbuck from meaningfully emotionally connecting with his ‘pagan’ / ‘heathen’ crew, even as we know he is generally in other ways good to them. it is also this worldview which prevents him from meaningfully getting through to ahab.
like, ahab is obviously a traumatized specimen of a man (affectionate), but starbuck is also so deeply entrenched in his hyper specific worldview, just as much as ahab is. he can't connect with ahab more because he's so entrenched in seventeen layers of protestant guilt & conditioning, which is partially just the gay thing, but also like. being unable of conceiving ahab's pain through another framework. bc xtianity and protestantism and whiteness and all these things so wildly distort your concepts of what suffering is and who experiences it and who even has the Right to it, and what the right and wrong ways to experience pain are.
all his reasoning for why ahab giving himself so wholly to vengeance and eschewing all human connection is like… “bc god said it’s bad.” in all the times starbuck (in some ways rightly) gets at ahab for what he's doing, he doesn't ever really get to the point of trying to understand why it's happening? or where ahab is coming from? when what ahab needs is to be met where he’s at, in all his messy ugly pain and trauma
so w/ these conversations in the au it's like. part of it is starbuck letting go of this moral judgment and just coming to ahab with a genuine desire to understand hey. why are you doing this. tell me why this is so important to you. why this whale. why so hard. what is driving you to this. and like. understanding the very real amount of pain that ahab is in. the very real mess of a world that is constantly traumatizing and retraumatizing him. a world of whiteness and christianity and capitalism that has so thoroughly abandoned him to his trauma and his pain that he legitimately sees no other way out, no other alternative for alleviating that pain, than this quest.
basically in order to cure ahab’s loneliness starbuck needs to break his own. he cannot break down the walls around ahab without first reaching out beyond his own. and that’s why he fucking doesn’t in canon and tdjdhdhshdjwhdsjdhsj this is why i am so fucking mentally unwell about these two gay losers hfhehdhdhdhehddh
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raytorosaurus · 1 year
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i think where people get confused is that mcr did try very hard and very overtly to make their shows a safe space for queer people and women which is not a political act it just feels political because being queer and/or a woman means you exist in a space where your being is politicised by those around you whether you want to actively be involved in those politics or not. but, as you said, the art itself is personal and the message at shows is generally also about personal expression and learning to be yourself and take care of yourself. there's an element of respect each other/respect each others' differences but that's not political there's no call to action there's no fight for structural change and that's totally fine they don't have to be that
yeah no you said it, i totally agree. like i said, they're only political as far as all art is political - maybe slightly more because they made an active effort to engage with a socially outcast audience, tho in their minds that wasn't about specific marginalised groups like queer people, neurodivergent ppl etc - beyond their vocal support of women at shows/in the scene, they were directing their art just at people who didn't quite fit in in general. there's a big venn diagram there (and obviously some contextual cause-and-effect in terms of what kind of people tended to be unwelcome in hardcore scenes lol - even then, mcr never made any statements about race or whiteness) but it's not like gerard started a band to empower or liberate specific identities in a political sense - it was very consciously an effort to sing more about general unifying human experiences - i.e. ones lots of people can relate to. one of mcr's (especially gerard as lyricist) greatest strengths is being able to tap into those "universal" emotions like grief, loneliness, self-hatred etc. and make them a little easier to confront head-on or feel a little less isolating. that's literally why they're popular - if they had been overtly political they simply never would have made it that big! wait i'll let hanif abdurraqib say it because he said it best (brief snippet from his wonderful essay on the black parade in his collection they can't kill us until they kill us - 100% worth the cost of the ebook alone, and all of his essays are brilliant).
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that idea is kind of at the heart of mcr and something i really appreciate about it. there's actually very little specificity in mcr's lyrics by design - it's meant to be projected onto and interpreted. that makes it inherently difficult to politicise bc good politics requires clarity of message and intention. that in turn makes mcr pretty apolitical by nature - which isn't a bad thing! different bands (like all types of art) exist for different reasons, and mcr's reason is catharsis and connection far more than it is any kind of activism. we can be pretty assured based on the lyrics and what we know of the guys that their politics aren't terrible and that's enough for me.
the real issue comes in when people act like mcr are political and give them credit for something they're not (and something they've never really claimed to be!). i get that mcr is a gateway band for a lot of people into harder/heavier music - it was for me too! - but even bands one step removed from mcr in the same scene (e.g. thursday) are leagues more political than these guys are.
this goes beyond mcr/bandom now but....tbh i think a lot of it comes from that relatively recent attitude that's common in online circles that activism is heavily rooted in personal identity (which ties in with the harmful pattern of, for example, white queer people acting like they're somehow above other white people in terms of racism) and comes more from individual thought, words, and discussion (in which using the correct language sometimes has more weight than what you're trying to say) than it does from actual community action. this isn't an attack at anyone btw - a lot of the statements about mcr's politics around here are pretty flippant and light-hearted anyway, i doubt too many people are taking them super seriously, but it's probably worth considering. overall, i'm not listening to mcr for politics and i'm certainly not looking to any of them for political guidance, but it's nice to feel connected to them and to all of you guys and to know that they support my identity, but that’s kind of as far as it goes for me.
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girlweepinginstairwell · 11 months
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hi yaz 🍊 (<-for u) right now im going through that awkward friendless period of my life and have been for a while. i've been following you for a long time and wondered if you had any words of wisdom for those of us in the thick of it. thank you ❣️
(p.s - from what we see online you've seemed really well lately, and its genuinely very encouraging. thanks 4 spreading the joy)
hi! so sorry for letting this ask sit there for a bit... i wanted to make sure i could answer it thoughtfully! 🌟 i ended up writing more than i expected so i apologize if this comes across as a bit wordy.
first of all, thank you so much! it really means a lot to me to hear this... i am literally just Random Girl Online so i’m truly honored & i think you’re incredibly sweet to say so 😭💝
secondly, i’m sorry you’re feeling this way! it’s a miserable place to be emotionally & difficult to talk about... but i promise promise promise you will not feel this way forever. i was so lonely it hurt for a very long time, i guess if you’ve followed me for a while you probably remember. like it was PAINFUL how unpeopled my life was, and i was really embarrassed by it too because no one else seemed to be going through it quite so badly. but honestly, i think... most people actively are or once were lonelier than they are willing to admit, so it’s not an experience that’s awkward at all, and not something indicative of there being anything wrong with you specifically (which is all too easy a conclusion to come to), and it is definitely, DEFINITELY is not going to be this bad always. there are so many lovely people in this world who are just on the cusp of entering your life without your even realizing it yet... at one point last year i took a second to look around me & it suddenly occurred to me that things had gotten so much better for me in a way i genuinely never imagined during the worst of my loneliness, that completely unexpectedly i had come to know a good number of people i liked and cared about.
mostly all i can encourage you to do is to be around people in whatever way u can even if you don’t currently have a circle of friends to turn to. if your school or a local museum or a similar institution is holding some kind of lecture, attend it even if u don’t know anyone else who’s going! you might strike up a conversation with a stranger u unexpectedly get along with and make plans to get to know each other better, or you might just get to lightly chat with a lot of people who u never see again. both of these things are nice in different ways. if your workplace is holding a little potluck for someone’s birthday, go even if it’s just for the sake of having cake and cooing over photos of your coworker’s new puppy. text friends who live in the area who u haven’t seen in years, spend the afternoon at the park together & see if you want to make room in each other’s lives for these new versions of yourselves you’ve grown into. sign up for art classes where u can struggle through something you’re unfamiliar with alongside others who are struggling through it the same way & bond over this for a few hours each week. be the first person to text in a groupchat of people u only sort of know. tag along to study with someone from your class at the library & see if it becomes a regular thing with other people from the same class. maybe you won’t befriend all the people you go out of your way to interact with, but chances are you can and will befriend a few of them! and even if it doesn’t end up working out, a little camaraderie goes a long way in pulling a person out of the pits of despair.
if literally none of the above is an option for u in any way whatsoever right now, just try your best to keep going anyway. which sounds stupid probably, i’m sorry; i would have been CRAZY irritated if anyone told me this when i was so lonely i could hardly think about anything else. but i read a lot of poetry, i played a lot of video games, i watched a lot of movies, i spent so much time out of doors watching the birds and trees, i talked to my relatives more than ever before, i messaged some mutuals so often they turned into genuine online friendships that meant the world to me then and mean the world to me still. it hurt that i didn’t have people to share any of this with the way i wanted to but i still experienced a lot of really nice moments when i was alone & in some ways i feel more equipped to deal with loneliness after living through so much of it because i know now that i’m capable of enjoying things even in the throes of isolation. resilience isn’t sustainable and i sincerely hope you don’t need to be resilient about this for much longer, but your life is not on hold, and if u just keep going i believe you will still experience lots of meaningful and good things until your social life starts to pick up, at which point u will experience lots of other meaningful and good things!
also i guess i already mentioned this and definitely feel free to ignore this bit if it doesn’t apply to you, but be careful not to fall into the trap of thinking this is somehow your fault or because there is something inherently off-putting about you! this is absolutely not the case… not having enough or even any friends is just something that happens sometimes. it’s a much more common experience than it feels like & there is nothing wrong with you! believing this and giving in to the shame will cause you undue pain and isolate you further when people reach out or enter your life if you feel you aren’t deserving of friendship because whatever shape your insecurities happen to take. so just... try and be kind to yourself. this is something i struggled with a lot & that’s why i bring it up, but again, you can totally disregard it if it doesn’t align with your own experiences.
i guess that’s all for now! i don’t think i’m saying anything new, so i don’t know how helpful any of this was. i mostly just hope it wasn’t pedantic! i was trying to think of things that genuinely worked for me or things i would like to tell me of a couple years ago if i could speak to her somehow, and i ended up writing a lot because this is a topic that means a lot to me. basically i just mean to say u will be okay! with time and effort and a little bit of luck you will be okay & you will find yourself surrounded by the nicest friends and acquaintances who genuinely really like you and who you genuinely really like in return. loneliness is just something that comes and goes... sometimes it is a little harder and more painful to get through than other times but it never lasts forever. i hope you take care of yourself & i hope it all starts to work out really well, really soon ❣️ love u
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maya-matlin · 17 days
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Five ships: Jonnor, Morisol, Spaige, Bhandallas, Beckdam
Five characters: Ellie, Ashley, Liberty, Terri, Emma
Bonus: Name your five most seemingly unpopular Degrassi opinions :)
1.) Spaige
2.) Morisol
3.) Jonnor
4.) Beckdam
5.) Bhandallas
1.) Liberty
2.) Ellie
3.) Emma
4.) Ashley
5.) Terri
As for my opinions:
1.) I'm not sure how to phrase this without it coming across like I'm excusing Tristan's biphobia or trying to shut down fans' rightful and completely understandable criticisms re: Tristan's biphobic moments. But, I think Tristan sometimes gets scapegoated as the biphobic guy. Degrassi always had a massive biphobia problem, and it didn't begin and end with Tristan. It's present as early as Paige's time on the show. Like many shows at the time and even some present day shows, they refused to label any polysexual characters. It's always "I like people". "I'm not into labels." "I don't like this gender, but I like you." "I'm open minded." Anything that talks around the possibility that a character could be anything besides straight or gay/lesbian. Obviously, sexual orientation isn't limited to a specific label. Oftentimes, people choose to remain unlabeled, fall somewhere under the queer umbrella, or consider things like this very complex and therefore don't take on a label. It's the casual way Imogen goes from "I like people" to being referred to as a lesbian during her final season and expressing disgust when contemplating getting involved with her canonical ex boyfriend. The writers' Twitter "confirmed" Imogen as pansexual years later and that's also how I interpret the character's sexual orientation, but.. it doesn't change how they chose to portray Imogen's sexual orientation. However, it's also true that society is only now starting to catch up and has started writing their characters accordingly. Tristan's ignorance about Miles's sexual orientation and refusal to put his insecurities aside and accept that he's in love with a bisexual man until his final season has no excuse. There could have been an arc dedicated to Tristan unlearning this behavior and being a better partner and person in general. This never happened. Degrassi did the absolute bare minimum by having Lola be the one to validate Miles's identity presumably after enough people called them out on social media following the premiere of Next Class season 1. Tristan sort of halfway accepts that Miles is bi, but it's Miles who has the dialogue explaining while there's never acknowledgement that Tristan hadn't accepted Miles up to this point or made him feel any type of way. And on that note, Miles isn't shown reacting to any biphobia. We don't know what he thinks, whether he's mad, feels rejected, insecure, feels as though he needs to be "less" to be accepted by his boyfriend, etc. I don't think I made any sort of point, but basically I feel like everything gets reduced to "Tristan is trash," and that's the end of the conversation when I feel like it goes much deeper?
2.) Eli wasn't out of character during seasons 13 and 14. There's a precedent for Eli lashing out and blaming Clare when things don't go his way or she does something he perceives as wrong. Also, while the timeline was baffling, Eli's only human and it's not surprising that he'd struggle with loneliness once he and Clare were physically separated. As for season 14, Eli being possessive and saying inappropriate, vaguely misogynistic things to Clare 100% lines up with canon. Eli also seemed fully lucid to me when he was calling Clare a whore. He was clearly getting off on that and only changed his stance when he realized she was carrying his child.
3.) This is so minor, but I don't give a flying fuck that Alex Steele came back as Tori and not Angie. It's television. Actors play multiple roles all the time. It's kind of annoying that this overshadows Tori's whole character and existence. I don't think she was around long enough to be super complex or anything, but I liked that character for who she was and the monthly comments complaining about this since like 2011 have been annoying.
4.) As much as I love the idea of Spinner and Terri getting together and possibly becoming endgame in a scenario where Terri sticks around, in actuality I think Spinner would have dropped the ball hard. Considering how he behaved with Paige during season 4, I doubt he would have been the best boyfriend to Terri with or without Paige's interference. As shady as Paige was, Spinner's interest switched from Terri to Paige extremely quickly.
5.) Ashley was depressed throughout her time on the show barring the year she spent in London and everyone missed it, the writers included. I don't know that this is actually unpopular, but she's constantly misunderstood and accused of being "moody" and "dramatic" and it's just very obvious to me that she's unhappy a lot of the time and feels very stifled. She's desperate to find some sort of way to express herself whether it be by writing and performing songs or altering her physical appearance. And at the end of season 4, I genuinely think her mental health had taken its toll which forced her to cut contact with Craig and get the hell away from Degrassi. While she came back seemingly with a new lease on life and appeared happier during season 6, by season 7 she was back to feeling limited and suddenly, the plans she made with Jimmy that used to make sense felt all wrong. IDK.
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callixton · 5 months
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Ooooh how about 🎭💔🧸🎶 for barba and/or bobby??? Noone gets these guys the way you do.
omg that's such a compliment <3 i will do both of them
barba
🎭(a headcanon about what they lie about) - honestly i would not put it past him to preserve his private life by just making shit up. as he got to know the squad better, it stopped mattering so much, but it's become a bit of a game that only he knows about. it's also usually so innocuous that no one would even bother to check - someone asks him what he's doing this weekend? he's going to that string trio performing at the lincoln center. (he has actually set aside time to read the latest pulp thriller he got from the library while eating too much take out and he is not going to be disturbed.)
💔(an angsty headcanon) - rafael deals with depression and self-hatred frequently, but it rarely/never comes in the form of suicidal ideation, so he dismisses how serious it is. it's why he throws himself into work so wholly; at least if he's helping people, he can justify his existence. it also means he's too busy to have time to think about all of the problems he's ignoring.
🧸(a headcanon about their childhood) - oh there's so much i could say. well i don't think it was Good. but for a shotgun-blast-let's-see-what-we-hit of childhood hcs..... he spent every sunday with his grandmother, and almost all of his happiest memories are around her kitchen table. this is alluded to in october surprise but this kid got in FIGHTS oh my god he could not keep his mouth shut. thank god for eddie or he would have had his shit kicked in so fast. sorry to make this sad too but he dealt with the same problem at home with his dad, and eddie wasn't there to protect him. he read voraciously but almost exclusively in private; he wanted people to know he was smart, but he didn't want to get made fun of. he tried exactly one basketball summer camp before realizing he was too short and scrawny to compete.
🎶(a headcanon about music) - not to let actor bleed influence this too much, but i do think barba probably takes after raúl when it comes to music taste; i think "the music he loves best is the Cuban songs he learned from his grandmother." that said, other artists that i associate with him: frank ocean, bruce springsteen & 80s ballads
bobby
🎭- unfortunately bobby is lying to himself at basically all times as a baseline and therefore incidentally to the people around him. but for something more specific, i think he lies about how quickly he gets drunk. he doesn't like actually giving up control over himself and what he says, but he does like the social justification of being able to relax and open up, so he meets it somewhere in the middle and lets everyone else think he's gone before he actually is. it's pretty rare that his friends see through this, which both suits him fine and makes him lonelier.
💔- oh baby. well. tbh it's kind of hard for me to find a headcanon bc so much of what i consider heartbreaking about his character is very much text. However. i do like to play with the idea of his first encounter with a guy in college going so poorly that it contributes to him shoving his sexuality deep down and the subsequent repression we see in show. which is so sad for him bc he wouldn't have done it if he wasn't questioning right like. it might not have been an answer he liked but even that would have been an answer. and then he is just so completely in his head (and he's not even Into the other guy he just offered) that the whole thing goes terribly and he feels so broken bc if he's not gay then what is Wrong with him that he feels like this. (he does discover, some ten-odd years later, that he doesn't mind sleeping with men as much as he thought, but he's spent such a long time of convincing himself that it's not for him that it takes a Lot of pressure to break through that worldview)
🧸- did not have many friends :( on the one hand he really didn't mind that much bc he was absolutely the sort of kid who enjoyed playing on his own, but on the other hand that isolation of not feeling like there's anyone who understands him set in early. he was set up on lots of playdates by his parents where neither kid wanted to be there. he was an observer and a listener though. sooo much of the personality he presents over the years is drawn from copying the behaviors of people he likes.
🎶- this is such a good question bc his character playlist is So fully music i think about him to, not like. songs i think he would listen to. i don't actually think he seeks out music that often? i think he likes the noise of the city and whatever's playing on the radio; it makes him feel more connected to everything in an indirect way. if i had to choose a band i'm weirdly getting they might be giants. that said if he ever really listened to conan gray or mitski it would be so over for him.
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616marcspector · 8 months
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P L E A S E say more about autistic marc spector you are SO RIGHT and i want to hear EVERYTHING, have already read your whole tag (the body language!!!! yes!!!!!!) and 100% want more!
i am sorry for taking So Long to reply to this ask i have been so busy with irl stuff recently 😭
i've talked a bit about body language and stims and things and today i want to talk a little bit about his brain bc it is so fascinating to me i want to pick him apart <3
we know marc has had suicidal thoughts in the past, this is canon in both the comics and the series. and in both cases his desire for death comes from guilt. but why does he want to die, specifically? often people suffering from guilt would prefer to be punished, to be put through the same pain that they have caused others. we see this in the more modern comics, where marc has very little care for himself and his well-being and actively puts himself in harm's way. he is not trying to kill himself, he is trying to torture himself. (and he is not a masochist, he is simply a very sad and lonely man.)
so we ask again, why did marc feel suicidal in the past? because he craves peace. the world is loud and big and when marc is bleeding out in the middle of the desert after witnessing a massacre or having a meltdown and ptsd flashbacks while steven is coldly egging him on, all he wants is for everything to go dark and silent. he wishes he could not feel anything at all, like he pretends to, like he was taught to, like people expect him to. he knows he has done terrible things, and most of the time he accepts the guilt and tries his very best to rectify his mistakes. but sometimes it is all so very much to bear and he wants to shut down for a long, long time.
marc barely fronts at all in the moench run, only coming out when they need someone angry and violent OR when frenchie is around. and that's important. marc loves frenchie. whether you interpret that love as platonic or romantic or something else doesn't matter, frenchie is a safe space and an emotional anchor. frenchie understands marc, understands his past and his guilt and his anger and his loneliness and most of all he understands what marc needs. when marc is with frenchie he doesn't hide who he is, and as such we end up seeing the softest version of himself. and that is so fucked up how marc does not realise that at his core he is warm and kind and capable of so much love and compassion because he has been forced to mask over and over again that he doesn't even know who he is anymore. and yes that can tie into the did because i do not think it is a coincidence that people with did are often also diagnosed with autism. but that's another subject that i don't want to get into because i am just here to talk about autism.
does any of this make sense? is it coherent? am i just babbling nonsense into the void? idk but this was therapeutic for me <3 also sorry for getting so deep on ur ask i didn't intend to get right into it so heavily straight away 😭
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hatchetation · 1 year
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Hello I would very much like to see you expand more on the different ways Kate and Lucy give off being queer 👀
Okayyy I'm so glad you asked!! So here were the tags:
#but i do know that lucy tara comes across as suuuuuper gay to me in the way she interacts with the world#even outside of being with kate she reads as queer to me#and i will say i also think tori is a great actress and i also get a super queer vibe from kate outside of lucy#and just as a further caveat#i know that not all queer people carry themselves in the same way. in fact lucy and kate read as queer to me but in v different ways
I may have gone overboard in this response so TL;DR: It's all about the vibes and their vibes are GAY!
I'm gonna start with Lucy. Lucy Tara is too gay to function. I'm kind of joking but also to me Lucy is the sort of queer person who cannot help but be herself. I think that she's always kind of liked girls and whenever she fully had her sexual awakening, there was no hiding it from herself or anyone else. I'm not saying that she didn't /try/ to hide it or that she hasn't gone through some shit related to being queer--it honestly wouldn't surprise me if we learn that her family took time to come around to her being gay. But I think it was hard for her to be anyone but herself. Relatedly, there's the way that Lucy refused to be Kate's dirty little secret back in season 1. Hidden away, wrapped up in shame in the shadows is just not who Lucy is. It very much felt like she was going against her nature for the few eps where she agreed for them to keep their relationship on the DL.
Imo, Lucy is also the type of friend who could listen to all of your problems and you could feel so close to her but then later you'd realize that she hadn't said anything about herself. Maybe that seems contradictory but to me it all kind of hangs together for her as a queer character: she's open about who she is but perhaps a bit wary about who she really trusts and brings into her inner circle (on the show we really only see her interact with characters she trusts so...could be cool to see her with someone she doesn't trust!).
Last thing about Lucy--it's literally just the way she walks and talks and dresses like she does not give a shit what any man thinks about her. What I mean by this is less about binary gender and more about how the life she's trying to live is outside the patriarchy…It's the way she punched Jesse on the arm back in season 1 and the way she also punched ASAC Curtis on the arm a couple eps ago. Her queerness is all up in her confident stride and her competitive nature. And look, I know very well that there are straight women who probably carry themselves like that and that nothing I'm saying is, on its own, specific to a sexual orientation. But all together, and in the context of NCIS: Hawai'i, it reads as queer.
Now for Whistler! I have to call her Whistler when I'm discussing how gay she is all on her own lmaoooo. She's gay in suchhhh a different way from Lucy. Her walls are allll the way up. I honestly identify with Whistler the most because the key to Whistler's queerness is that she's amazing at compartmentalizing. I, too, am amazing at compartmentalizing and let me tell you when you're young and closeted that coping skill is life-saving...until about ten years later when you have to go to therapy to unpack how traumatizing it was lol. But basically, I think Whistler's whole HBIC, stiff, loner tendencies show up outside of her relationship with Lucy and are coping mechanisms that identify her as queer. I know some of that stuff is related to her brother's death, but it really reads to me as queer.
Whistler presents herself as put together, not a hair out of place, focused to a fault, etc. In season 2 we're seeing her open up, but she still identifies with being a loner and I think she still knows exactly what a gut punch it is to feel existentially lonely. Like, that loneliness that happens when you're gay and you feel like you'll never be brave enough to be your authentic self. That loneliness that you think you'll never escape because YOU put the walls up and how are you supposed to take them down now?? The way her character reads to me is someone who is just beginning to live the kind of life that she probably dreamed of as a kid. Again, that vibe feels incredibly queer to me.
And of course, on a more superficial note, Whistler also reads as someone who does not give a FUCK what a man thinks. She has a more feminine style at work than Lucy. I think that's the style that makes her most comfortable, and I also think it's her armor, a way for her to assert that yes she's a woman and also yes she will kick your ass. Again, I'm sure that there are many women in male-dominated work spaces who operate similarly and not all of them are gay. But within the context of the show...it reads as gay!
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