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#you didn't have to pretend you weren't having a panic attack the whole day when your dad hit your brother and he had a massive bruise but
sourbinnie · 10 months
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title -> tu me dejaste de querer genre -> angst with a happy ending pair -> felix x gn!reader plot -> a messy breakup never led felix to lose hope over you or your relationship. warnings -> mentioned panic attack + cursing words -> 2180 lowercase intended
yo me creía que era el más cabrón
pero me estoy notando el corazón
estás apretando mucho, mami, déjalo
si quieres te doy la razón
yo lo único que quiero es largarme de aquí
me da igual dónde puedas elegir
algún día, dentro de poco me vo' a arrepentir
de haberte confesa'o lo que me hace sufrir
❥ ✉
i wasn't used to settling down before i met them. i liked the free life, the no strings attached kinda vibe and i thought having  a relationship would cut off the way i was handling things but you proved me wrong. when you asked me out, doubt consumed me but i gave in because those eyes are to die for. too bad now we're a thousand miles apart and i still see those eyes everywhere, that look you gave me when i complimented you, priceless and wouldn't see it anywhere else in the world. at the end of the day the eyes never lie and neither do i when asking you if long distance would work.
i know you didn't want this (y/n), neither did i. you had to go back to your home country and i had to stay in korea, following my career like it was the only thing that mattered, like i didn't let the love of my life go. i was hoping we could meet again in the future but the more i look at the chances, the blurrier they get and i don't think it's possible for me to even get a ticket to see you. 
"hey (y/n), it's felix again. please answer me whenever you get the chance." i said to my voicemail. not gonna lie the only reason i do this is because i get to hear your voice before it cuts off to leave a message. it's getting lonely here and i just want you back. even if it's just a videocall.
i was on tour right now, looking at the window in a foreign country while all my bandmates were out. i couldn't feel more empty than i did right now and i knew you wanted to come this time. you wanted to be there for me through every show, every city, everything and we had to split apart before that happened. you really wanted to meet my bandmates and i did not let you, why didn't i? you were the light of my life. no one made me happy like you did and i was told that i had a different kind of glow the days that i spent with you. 
you said i was too much while i said you were giving too little, you weren't letting me see what you truly felt. maybe i pressured you too much into it, maybe i just didn't know how to let go of the overwhelming emotion that it is loving you. it consumes my whole body the way that i just need you right now. physically, emotionally, verbally, anything i would do to get this feeling to stop as the hurricane consumed me. the worst part would be the fact that nobody knows that i'm feeling this way, i have to keep it all to myself and pretend that i never had a significant other in the first place.
that was really bad on my part wasn't it? keeping you a fucking secret and for what? you were the best thing that happened to me. i know a few years ago i would've said the band but right now i felt like i lost absolutely everything. the pain was unbearable, i haven't felt heartbreak since high school and this certainly felt worse than anything. it was like they had my heart in their hands and they were squeezing it, holding on to me, to a part that i thought i would never show anyone. i also knew that i was gonna regret leaving voicemails like a loser, hoping for them to come back to me like nothing happened in the middle.
i remember all too clearly what i said, what we went through and just how much we hurt each other. in this moment i did not care though, i felt like i was gonna have a panic attack all alone in my room. i felt like i  was suffocating and yet no tears were streaming down my face. i could not show any more pain because there was nothing else to show, the misery that i felt i was stuck in was too much. felt like i wasted all my tears, feeling like i can't do anything anymore to fix this was scary and there's nothing more scary than the unknown. what would the future hold for us? 90% of me is saying nothing but there's that 10% that keeps me holding on to a wave of feelings. that 10% insists that i call them again, again & again until they pick up.
so i did it one more time.
and they picked up.
❥ ✉
de punta en blanco para tu fiesta
he pasa'o tre' día' con la misma ropa puesta
loco por ti, perdiendo apuesta'
dime en quién piensa' cuando te acuestas
porque yo pienso en ti (son ilusione')
yo pienso en ti (son ilusione')
porque yo pienso en ti (son ilusione')
yo pienso en ti, son ilusione'
going out on the old familiar streets didn't feel like home anymore. even if i tried going from party to party, doing the most insane things to create a distraction in my mind and hoping that in the morning i don't regret anything, was nothing like i used to be. i was closed off, emotionally and physically, never the biggest fan of pda or affection in the form of words either. but then felix happened and i changed that, i suddenly wanted too much from him, wanting to be in his arms all the time. i got so scared of that feeling, of overwhelming him with my love that i decided to do the opposite. so no more kissing, hugs, cuddles, etc. and i thought i was doing the right thing by not being an overbearing significant other. 
god thinking about the reason why we broke up made me so mad. we both crossed limits we shouldn't have and yet now we were so far away from each other that when i arrived home, like i said before it just didn't feel right. i had to get used to not having him around, to his scent not being in the house, to the smell of his baking, to the clothes scattered around our bedroom, to the early morning kisses and to the late goodnight ones. it's not like i would have that right now when he's on tour. that's how i remembered once again that i was supposed to keep him company during this one and that made me so upset, i almost started crying again. 
he's in a completely different timezone than i am, he's having the best time of his life with his friends and i'm thinking that maybe all i did was so stupid. i put so much on the line when i told him that i was gonna break up with him and leave. i also said it in a moment of pure anger and hoping he would calm down (he didn't). that was the last time i saw him, i hoped that he was feeling better now.
even if i didn't feel like things ended right between us, i would never wish on his downfall. he did everything he could with the little time that he had to spend it with me. he told me his bandmates were watching him and suspecting things but that only got me excited to finally meet them. too bad i couldn't ever do that, show that i was worth of felix's love and let them know that he was receiving all of mine.
checking on my phone, i noticed all the missed calls and one coming in. as tired as i was and as unhappy as i felt, i needed one last chance to speak to him even if it was too late. i pressed the green button and put the phone up to my ear, hoping to hear his voice again after so long.
"(y/n), hi..." he said and god did i miss him. his deep voice told me that it was still pretty early for him while it was night time for me. "i hope you don't hang up." he said and i just shook my head even if he couldn't see it.
"lix, no i won't." i said firmly as i felt the tears build up. it was such an overwhelming feeling talking to him again. i did not even know where to start.
"i miss you. i'm sorry that i start the conversation like this but it's just what i've been feeling." knowing that he was missing me too as he said it, didn't make sense to me. i was hoping for him to be moving on and feeling better but i guess that it also explains why he's calling right now. "you always told me to say what i was feeling so here i am, i know there's a bigger chance for me to lose this battle but i miss you so fucking much."
"i miss you too." i said honestly and i could hear him take a deep breath and let go. he was always nervous when it came to these types of conversations. i laid down on my mattress as i still heard him breathing and processing what i just said, thinking of the right words to follow up with.
"we're so far apart right now that i see you in every city and not gonna lie, it hurts." he said laughing as i heard him sniff. that's what made my tears finally fall, hearing him so broken and on the verge of tears was gonna be the death of me. "god why did we do that? we weren't perfect but at least we tried to be. it's like i gave up the best part of me and now it seems impossible for us to come back. all of my friends feel that i'm different, hell even my family thinks i'm acting odd and yet i can't even explain what happened because i'm not sure myself." 
"people have been asking me what happened with me, the old me. i'm not sure what to say myself either and i don't think i can explain our whole relationship. even if it was short, i feel like i could write a whole story about it." i said through the pain and the tears. what i said was true, my family noticed my odd behavior but i didn't bother telling them what i truly felt and what happened in reality. i just put on a fake smile and lied through my teeth. "i feel so empty without you lix. feels like there's a hole in my heart that i'm never gonna be able to cover."
it got quiet suddenly and his words were still going through my head as i tried to understand him like he tried to understand me before. 
"can we at least try again? even if it's long distance. i know it's insane for me to ask this, i know it won't be the same and that you might not come back to korea but i wanna be able to at least call you mine." he said firmly like he didn't sound totally broken like me. 
"i don't know lix. i got so attached to you that it scares me and i really wanna say yes. but do you think this truly would work? 'cause i feel so weird even thinking about having a long distance relationship." i said honestly and hoping he would understand. "it's like the more i think about it, the less chances i see of it working out."
"i feel the same way unfortunately but i can't give up on us." it's like those words easily touched my heart when he said them. he wasn't always the best at expressing his feelings but tonight he was showing how he had grown and how much he cared about us, about me. "please let's try again and if it doesn't work out, i'll let you go."
i thought about it. thought about the unconditional love i had for him, thought about his eyes when we first met and how they eventually looked at me the most loving way possible. how he seemed to trust me with his feelings and i eventually learned that i didn't trust anyone else with mine. i thought about our late night talks, our secret dates, our baking together and finally i thought about the fights, the hiding around and the heartless things we could say. the break up was the last thing on my mind, packing my things and going nowhere 'cause that's what i felt i was doing at that moment. if i was going somewhere it would always be with him by my side.
"one more chance, please don't make me regret it." i said. i didn't have anything to lose at the end of the day.
"i won't." he simply said.
this could either be the best decision of my life or the wrong path taken.
"i love you (y/n)." he then said as he switched to video call and i looked at his face again, remembering every feature and reminding me how much i loved him. i was really hoping and praying this would be the right decision but as we looked at each other, i couldn't even think there was a wrong one.
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beenbaanbuun · 2 years
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Perfect Misery - Poly!GyuHan
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Words - 5.2K
Genre - Angst (was meant to be smut but I got carried away lmao)
Warning(s) - panic attack, self-doubt, GyuHan being idiots, Y/N also is an idiot, miscommunication i guess
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Somehow you’d gotten not one, but two beautiful men to fall in love with you. First came Mingyu, the lovable himbo that always had a dopey grin on his face and a bad joke on the tip of his tongue. Everything he did was endearing from the way he stood shirtless at the stove with a frying pan to how he tripped over the kitchen rug every time he walked past it. You were so completely in love with him that sometimes, you weren't sure how to express it. It was fine, though; he understood what you meant every time you fumbled over those three little words.
Next came Jeonghan. In truth, the man had always been a little sceptical of you. You weren't particularly good at hiding your interest in the two men, and his boyfriend seemed to be just as fond as you. The man had to sit and listen for hours as Mingyu talked about something cute you’d done in class that day all while keeping the deep-seated jealousy under control. It wasn’t until Mingyu invited you around to their home that he understood his boyfriend’s obsession with you. You were delicate and soft, pretty and sweet. It was like you filled the hole in their relationship, giving Jeonghan the femininity that Gyu was missing. You were perfect.
They were perfect too. Mingyu was a strong and dependable friend, who quickly adapted to being your strong and dependable lover. Jeonghan seemed to welcome you with open arms, taking care of you in ways that you never even knew you wanted. He’d get in certain foods he knew you liked, cut up fresh fruit for you when you were too immersed in studying to eat, wash your hair when you didn't feel like showering. All in all, the two of them together seemed to complete you. You got everything you could ever want from a relationship.
Except for the title. In private, you were their girlfriend, but to their friends and family, you were just a friend who was staying with them for a while. Of course, you knew how little acceptance your relationship would receive in the outside world, but you had to admit that it hurt when you watched them be all boyfriend-y in public whilst you had to keep a wide birth to not give anything away. Each kiss that they shared in public became a stab through the heart for you.
Deep down, you knew that being jealous of your own boyfriends wasn't healthy. Not for you, or them, or the whole relationship. But then again, insecurities weren't something that would just disappear. They fester, growing in the dark of your mind until they decide to rear their ugly head, reminding you that you shouldn't get too comfortable with yourself. Sometimes, your mind was your own worst enemy. 
That's why when your boyfriends came home, practically buzzing with excitement, and told you that they’d been invited on a double date with another couple, you had to pretend to be happy for them. In reality, all you wanted to do was break down right there on the floor, sobbing into the thick rug that protected your knees against the hardwood floor. Instead, you just put your laptop to the side with a sigh and gave them an obviously fake smile. Your reaction could have been better, but it was all you could muster.
“That sounds cool. I hope you guys have a nice time.” You sounded too robotic, even to your own ears. The sound of your voice made the pair tone their excitement down just a little as they shared a worried look with one another. Trust them to be good boyfriends that took note of your moods.
“You know, we dont have to go if you dont want us to.” Mingyu said. He’d picked up on your jealousy not too long ago. At first, he thought it was just something small that you could brush under the rug once you got back into the safety of your own home. He even went as far as joking about how cute you were when the three of you were around people, your little pout growing as more and more time passed. At that moment, though, he realised there was probably more to it than that.
“No, no,” You waved your hands in a ‘stop’ motion, “Don’t let me spoil your fun. Besides, I have a lot of work to catch up on. I might finally get a bit of peace and quiet.” The laugh you let out sounded fake, and weirdly similar to a sob. No matter what you said to reassure the boys, your actions seemed to say the opposite. 
“We’d have a lot more fun if we were with you,” Jeonghan emphasised the frown that was on his face before sitting down and shuffling over to where you were sitting. Once he was right in front of you, he took your hand in his and kissed the knuckles. It was something he did whenever he needed to reassure you, which gave you the impression that your acting wasn't going nearly as well as you’d hoped.
“That's not what I meant,” you countered, “I just mean that I’m not going to stop you from going out and meeting up with other couples. It’ll be fun, and I dont want to come in the way of that if its something the two of you want to do.”
One thing they loved about you was your stubbornness. Once you were set on something, the two of them knew they’d never win. Apparently, you were set on the two of them going on the double date, despite the fact that it very clearly upset you. Perhaps they’d be able to talk more about your feelings if the conversation were to continue, but you picked your laptop back up and immersed yourself in whatever was on your screen once more, signifying that it was time for them to leave you alone to study. So they did.
Truth be told, you didn't get all that much studying done. Not when your mind was racing with thoughts of the two of them going on a date alone. Since the start of the three-way relationship, none of you had been on a date without everyone present. That's if you could really even call them dates since you couldn’t even hold their hands in public. It must’ve looked like you really enjoyed third wheeling…
Actually, you didn't get any studying done at all, even when you had fully intended to. Most of the time you just sat there, a blank word document staring you in the face as you desperately tried to think of anything other than the double date. It was hard though, especially when no matter where you were in the apartment, you could hear the two of them giggling and chatting with each other. It just reminded you of how perfect they were as a couple. Just the two of them alone seemed to work so well, and in the same manner as your jealousy, another insecurity popped up out of the blue and made its nest in the front of your brain.
Why were you there? What on earth could you possibly add to their relationship that they didnt have already? They’d already dated for two years before you came along, so in the grand scheme of things, you were insignificant. They were perfect for each other, anyone could see that. In fact, your friend group seemed to think it was necessary to constantly remind everyone that Jeonghan and Mingyu were soulmates.
But if those two were soulmates, where did you fit in? 
You slammed the lid of your laptop shut, deciding to go and do something that would actually take your mind off of everything. Food shopping would be good, you decided, quickly getting dressed before grabbing your car keys and heading towards the front door. 
“I’m nipping to the shop!” You called out, the sound of movement ringing through the air as the boys scrambled towards you. Jeonghan arrived first, a grin on his face as he delivered a soft peck on your lips. Mingyu was quick to move behind you and wrap his arms tightly around your waist in a warm hug.
“Okay, Pumpkin,” the deep-voiced man spoke into the crook of your neck. “Don't forget t-”
“I wont forget your apple juice, Gyu,” you pulled away from him and moved towards the door, desperate to leave before your mind could start spouting those cruel words to you again. “Besides, I have the list in my pocket. I can just check that.”
And with a smile, you were out of the door leaving the two frowning men at the front door. 
“That we have that date tonight.” Mingyu continued just as you slammed the door shut, a little too late for you to hear him.
“Well, shit,” Jeonghan said.
“She’s forgotten, hasn't she?”
“She definitely has. Send her a text, will you?”
Mingyu nodded, whipping his phone out of his pocket and typing up a quick text:
Dont forget that me and Hannie have that date! It won’t take long. We’ll be back before you know it, Pumpkin xxx
But when he pressed the send button, the chime of your phone sounded out, alerting the two of them that you’d left your phone behind. Usually, your forgetfulness was an endearing quality, but the collective groan that the men let out said otherwise.
“She’ll be back before we leave, right?” Jeonghan checked his watch, despite knowing that she most certainly would not be back in time. You liked to take your time with food shopping. For some sick reason, you enjoyed it.
“Not unless she's back in an hour.” The older man replied.
“Well, shit.”
“My thoughts exactly.”
And with that, Mingyu sped towards the kitchen where a small notepad rested on the side. They usually used it if Mingyu noticed they were running low on an ingredient whilst he was cooking. It saved him from remembering to add to the shopping list, which, let's face it, he’d definitely forget to do. Next to it was your favourite pen; a sparkly red one that Jeonghan bought because it reminded him of you. Fierce but cute, were the exact words he used. The memory made Mingyu’s heart swell a little.
It didn't take the two of them too long to write a note for you, which they left on the shoe rack for you to see when you got back. It left them plenty of time to get ready for their date, which they’d become less excited about since witnessing your initial reaction. The more they thought about it, the crueller it seemed to leave you at home like you were nothing more than their side piece. It was too late now, though. With only a few minutes to spare before they had to leave, they couldn't exactly cancel. And so with heavy hearts, they switched the lights off and left the apartment, grim expressions on their faces.
By the time you returned, arms ladened with bags, the apartment was dark. It was strange since it was only early evening and the boys werent going anywhere as far as you were aware. A frown rested on your face as you placed the bags down and moved the take your shoes off. It wasnt until you were about to put them down on the rack that you spotted a small piece of paper, messy writing scrawled across it in your favourite red pen.
Sorry that we left before you came back. I think you forgot about our date and you didn't listen when I tried to remind you. I'm glad you remembered my juice though! We shouldn’t be too late back. We're only going to show our face and then the moment we can escape, we will. We can cuddle when we get back so wait up for us!!!! Love you, Pumpkin <3
Oh.
Even after all that worrying, you'd forgotten about the thing you were worrying about in the first place. You felt a wave of misery wash over you as you let the bags tumble to the ground. With them fell a tear. It was sudden and unwanted, and before you knew it, you were crouched by the shoe rack sobbing into your hands. You hoped that you’d have time to mentally prepare yourself for this, but since you’d forgotten, the pain that tore through you was unbridled.
You had no one to blame but yourself. You were the one that told them to go and you were the one that forgot what day it was, so it was obvious that it was your own fault. Not to mention that you were the one that had been lying to them for months about how you were okay with the way things were. In reality, you really weren’t. The pain you felt when you had to watch them from afar grew each time you were out in public until now, it was almost unbearable.
You were sure that they didnt feel the same pain. How could they when they were in this together? It wasnt like they were the ones that were pushed to the side having to watch as everyone excluded them from their own relationship. They didnt have to sit there and listen to compliment after compliment about what a good couple their partners made. They didnt have constant jokes thrown in their direction about being the thirdwheel. 
But you guessed it was true in a way. You were the third wheel in your own relationship, and no amount of love could take away the fact that they were together before they even knew who you were. They knew everything about one another before they even knew your name. While you were still learning their likes and dislikes, they knew enough to write a whole series of books about each other. Even now, you were still learning about them. 
You didn’t know how long you were sat on the floor for, but it was long enough for the frozen items in the paper bags the melt, turning them to mush and forming a cold pool of water around you. Not that you noticed, you were too deep in thought to think about any of your surroundings. Your tears had dried up a while ago, your sobs becoming silent until you were left feeling numb, sniffling to yourself as you curled yourself up as tight as you could. You didn’t feel the pain anymore. You didnt feel anything, actually. Just the painful knowledge that maybe, the two of them belonged together. Just them.
You didn’t even notice when the front door opened a little past 8pm, your boyfriends 
keeping their promise of coming home as soon as they could. As they spoke to one another, you could hear none of it, too preoccupied with the incessant buzzing that was happening inside of your head. 
“Why are the bags still here?” Jeonghan muttered as he stepped inside, your weak frame still obscured by the open door. 
“Maybe she only just got back.” Although Mingyu realised that it would have been insane for you to have spent that long shopping, it was the only thing his brain could think of at that moment.
“Obviously not, idiot,” Jeonghan stepped further into their home to let Mingyu in behind him. “Besides, something’s melted all over the floor. That hasn’t happened in a span of a few minutes.”
Mingyu grumbled as he stepped in behind his elder, shutting the door lightly behind him. The lights were off, despite the bags being there, which Mingyu thought was odd. You hated the dark. Perhaps you were in bed and you’d just forgotten to unpack the shopping. You were forgetful after all. But just as he was about to tell his theory to his boyfriend, Jeonghan let out a loud gasp and his body dropped to the floor. 
The icy water that splashed up at Mingyu as Jeonghan fell made the former let out a dissatisfied grunt, his body spinning around to face where Jeonghan knelt. If he hadn’t spotted you, he would’ve told the other man off, but the words were ripped from his throat. You were small, compared to them, at the best of times, but now you looked fragile. Your body curled into itself as if you were protecting yourself from something, and your ears were covered by your hands to block out any kind of noises that might disturb your breakdown.
By the way that your body shook, he could tell two things. The first: you’d been crying, probably for a long time. The thought made Mingyu’s heart break. He hated to see you cry. The second: you were cold. It was no surprise given the cold water that surrounded your body. He wasn’t sure how long you’d been sat there for, but he knew that it would be in your best interest to move elsewhere.
“My angel,” Jeonghan practically lunged at you, wrapping his arms tightly around you as you were forced into his chest. The sudden movement brought you out of your thoughts and you were once again aware of your surroundings. “We’re here now. You’re going to be okay.”
“We need to get her up, Hannie,” He listened well to his boyfriend’s command, standing up with you still pressed tightly to his chest. Your legs wobbled a bit as you stood on your feet once more, but Jeonghan wasnt going to let you fall. “Move her to the bedroom. Come on.”
The tall man led the way, and soon, the three of you were lay on the double bed. You were squashed between them, as usual, but the situation was nowhere near as comforting as it usually was. In fact, you felt a little uncomfortable with the way the two men stared at you, worry etched into their features as their hands skimmed over your body in a frantic manner. You were sure that they were trying to reassure themselves more than anything, and so you let them continue with no complaints.
It was a while before anyone spoke, an uncomfortable silence hanging over you like a thick fog. Clearly, they wanted you to say something first, but you didnt have anything to say. You were still trying to figure everything out yourself. So when the boys decided long enough had passed, Mingyu spoke.
“Are you okay?” His voice was barely above a whisper, which you appreciated. Any louder and you probably would’ve flinched.
“I’m fine.” Mingyu scoffed.
“Dont lie.” He grumbled.
“Dont ask stupid questions.” You countered. You didnt even have to look at Hannie to know that he was rolling his eyes at the two of you. 
“What happened, Angel? We were only gone for a few hours and yet we come back to you sat in the corner, clearly going through something,” He paused for a second, giving you time to jump in with an answer. When you didnt reply, he sighed. “You know, if you don't tell us then we can't help, can we?”
“Guess not.” 
“So tell us.”
You took a deep breath, taking a second or two to get your thoughts in order. You needed to calm yourself a little before opening your mouth because the last thing you wanted was for something to come out the wrong way and upset the two men who’d been nothing but lovely to you throughout your relationship.
“I’m sad about you going on the date. I know I could’ve told you that and you wouldn't have gone, but I didn't want to stop you from having a good time purely for the sake of keeping me happy,” For the first time that night, you met Jeonghan’s gaze. As usual, it was filled with love. “I’m sorry.”
“Nothing to apologise for,” he smiled, “But I know thats not the only thing making you sad, is it?”
The question was spoken more like a fact. Like Jeonghan knew for sure that you were hiding your insecurities from the two of them. In truth, you hadn’t really tried to hide them, but it still came as a shock to you that he’d picked up on them so easily.
“I’m scared that I dont fit in here,” As your voice cracked, you looked back down to your lap. You couldn’t look either of them in the eye, or you were sure you’d cry. “You two are so perfect for each other, everyone can see that. It just makes me wonder why I’m here.”
The breath you took in was shaky and you were barely holding it together. Tears burned the back of your eyes, even though you were sure that you had no more left to give. 
“Why do I have to sit on the sidelines and watch you two be more in love with each other than you’ll ever be in love with me?” You couldn’t hold back the sob that came out. “Why am I here when you two are obviously perfect for each other? It's not fair.”
Your cries were loud as your words turned to hushed mumbles. Neither man could hear when you were trying to tell them, but they felt the anguish that radiated from you like heat from a fire. They’d never seen you like this, and they’d do anything to never see you like it again. You looked like you were in pain, and they’d probably believe it if you were. With a hand clutched to your chest, they could pinpoint where it was coming from. You were heartbroken, and Jeonghan and Mingyu were the culprits. They never wanted you to feel this way, yet they did nothing to stop it when they had a million opportunities to do so.
Mingyu was angry at himself. He was the one that brought you into this relationship and yet he did nothing to make you feel welcome. You felt alone when in reality, you had two boyfriends that loved you so, so much. How evil were they to not notice how you were feeling? Jeonghan, on the other hand, felt nothing but pain. He supposed he deserved it though for making such a precious being feel unwanted. His discomfort was all his own fault.
“You’re not on the sidelines, Pumpkin,” he snuggled himself into you, forcing his head into the crook of your neck. Really, he just wanted you as close as possible, afraid that if he didn’t, you’d slip away from him. “And I can’t speak for Hannie, but I love you both equally. I always have and I always will.”
Jeonghan followed in the younger man’s footsteps, pressing a firm kiss against your cheek before wrapping his arms around you and resting his forehead against your temple. His eyes didn’t close, despite how close he was. Instead, he chose to stare at you as if he was studying you. Watching you closely to make sure you wouldn’t crumble again. At least this time you were in their arms so they could place you back together. 
“The moment you stepped through that door, I decided you were ours,” Jeonghan mumbled so quietly, that you weren’t sure if Mingyu would be able to hear him from the other side of the bed. “You just seemed so perfect here. Like you belonged here. I guess that’s when I fell in love with you, Angel. I wasn’t prepared to see you walk out of that door without knowing that you’d come back as ours.” 
The thought brought a tear to your eye. As much as you wanted to be happy, the words were bittersweet. Yes, they loved you, but only in private. You wanted to be loved in public. To hold their hands and kiss them in front of everyone, your friends included. It’d make your day to hear them say that all of you were made for each other, not just your boyfriends. 
But maybe it was too much to ask. You already had the men of your dreams behind closed doors. What made you think you deserved them in public too? Perhaps it was a little greedy to want more. They’d been together for a lot longer than you’d been with them, after all. 
“I’m sorry for wanting more.” You whispered. You lay there with a heavy heart as you felt guilt full you up over your initial breakdown. The last thing that you wanted was to seem spoiled or entitled. They didn’t have to let you into their relationship, and yet they did. You should be grateful for that. 
“Don’t,” Jeonghan whispered into your ear, using the pad of his thumb to wipe away a fat tear that you hadn’t realised had escaped your eye, “don’t apologise to us when we’re the ones that have acted like idiots.”
You disagreed. Your reaction was overexaggerated and you knew that now that you’d thought it through a little. Jeonghan was just saying that to help calm you down, you were sure of it.
“No,” you were adamant in your tone, shaking your head as much as your position between the two men would allow. “You give me enough already. I’m being greedy so just ig-”
Mingyu suddenly shot up from where he was lying against you and fired a harsh glare in your direction. It was rare that the man was in a mood with you. Usually, he was as gentle as can be. You watched him for a moment, barely noticing the tears that had begun to gather in his own eyes before he leaned in to press his lips to yours.
The kiss didn't last long, but it was full of emotion. Mingyu leant his whole body into you as his lips worked quickly against yours. You felt warm, not only from the physical contact, but also from the blush that settled over your cheeks. Kisses like this weren’t rare, but this one felt different. It was full of love, rather than desire. He wanted you, but not in a sexual way this time. He just wanted you to be his.
The feverish movements of his lips against yours were enough to send a shiver down your spine, teeth crashing into teeth as he became desperate to claim you as his own. No matter what he was doing, you couldn’t forget Jeonghan, who’d yet to move from his previous position. His arm was squished between the warm bodies of Mingyu and you, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. It wasn’t like Jeonghan was making an effort to pull himself away either.
When Mingyu pulled away, there was a string of spit that connected the two of you. It soon broke, leaving his lips glistening. The expression on his face mirrored yours, the red glow of embarrassment settled over his tanned complexion. He usually wasn’t so… forceful. The moment called for it, though. 
“I don't like it when you talk like that,” he said, tone leaving no room for argument.
“Well, it’s true,” you replied. It was then that you fully comprehended the fact that he’d begun to cry along with you. His cheeks were wet as another tear ran down one of them. Great, you thought, now you’d upset Mingyu.
“No, it isn’t. Please stop talking like that.” You didn’t know what to do, so you just sat there and watched as Mingyu hid his face behind his hands. This was all your fault. If you hadn’t made them feel bad, none of this would be happening.
Jeonghan let out a sigh. He felt stupid for not realising the full extent of your feelings, for letting it get this far, and most importantly, going on that stupid date. Now both of his loves were crying, and he felt helpless. If he comforted Mingyu, he was sure that your brain would twist it in some cruel way, but he couldn’t just leave Mingyu there to cry whilst he spoke to you. For a second, he considered trying to continue the conversation another day, but going to bed upset was never a good idea, especially when the relationship was as fragile as it currently was. 
“Come here, Gyu.” Said Jeonghan. Mingyu crawled back into his original position by your side. Once he was there, he curled himself even tighter into you, insisting on hiding his face away from the two of you. That didn't stop him from reaching for your hand, though, holding it tightly in his own.
“I’m sorry.” You whispered to the tall man, only to hear your oldest boyfriend tut in response.
“If you don't stop apologising then I might start crying too,” the comment was a poor attempt at humour, even Jeonghan knew that, but he so desperately wanted to lighten the mood. He wasn’t so used to there being so much sadness in their relationship that was usually all sunshine and rainbows. Or so he thought, until now. “Yes, if you’d told us sooner then none of this would’ve happened, but don't apologise for it.”
They were right, of course. You had no right to react the way you did. They had no idea what they’d done wrong, and that was your own fault.
“Don’t make her feel guilty,” Mingyu sounded sad, not that you needed to hear him to know that. The tears that dripped onto your shoulder were a good enough indicator of that. “It's not her fault we were stupid enough to keep our relationship a secret.” 
Jeonghan hummed in agreement. It wasn’t your fault, it was theirs. How they thought it was a good idea to make you sit in silence whilst they could act all couply was beyond him. It was beyond idiotic of them. It was cruel. 
“You’re right, Gyu” He grumbled, deep in thought. “You don't deserve to have to sit on the sidelines. If we can’t give you the world, then you deserve so much more than us. To think we made you feel like that just because we were scared.” He let out a was a humourless snort, sounding almost as if Jeonghan detested himself at that moment. “We made you feel so much worse than we ever felt and I’m so sorry that I let it go on for so long.”
“Can we tell them?” Mingyu’s breath tickled your neck as he spoke. He was just as guilty as Jeonghan in this situation, and he wanted to put it right. And if telling their friends about you made them friendless, then so be it. At least they had your love.
“Is that what you want, Angel?” Yes, of course it was. But even though Mingyu was the one to ask for it, you felt guilty saying yes. Some part of you still felt like you forced this upon them. They hadn’t had a desire to let your relationship go public up until now, so why should your opinion suddenly change that? 
You decided to ignore that part of your brain, though. Jeonghan was right. If you didn't tell them how you felt, how was anything going to get better for you? So you nodded, mumbling out a small yes that brought a wide smile to the faces of both your boyfriends.
“Tomorrow, then,” Jeonghan said, “we’ll go out and let the whole world know that you’re ours. Okay?”
It was better than okay. It was perfect.
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masterwords · 1 year
Note
Would you consider writing an angsty fic where Derek corners Hotch in his office to argue with him about his recklessness post Foyet but accidentally triggers a panic attack?
Would I consider? HELL YES I WOULD. I have to say, I wrote about 3 different version of this before I decided this was The One to share. Inspired by THIS, because...yes. (3.2k words)
**** barely breathing ****
He hasn't seen Derek outside of work in weeks. Not just 34 days, longer than that. There was the pig farm, and before that was the fucking anthrax that put Reid in the hospital and stopped up all the works.
34 days plus a lifetime, unless you count those fractions of time he can barely remember while he was in the hospital. They solved a case while he was in surgery, while he was dead. They called him repeatedly, messages from JJ filled his voicemail (he never did listen to them, just emptied the whole thing) but it was hours before anyone checked. More before they appeared at the hospital.
He's keenly aware they're talking behind his back. They quietly assume he's a ticking time bomb and would rather aid him in pretending nothing happened than risk being the one to set it off. They assure themselves with confidence that this is the best way. Maybe the only way. Things can return to normal if Hotch is normal, and if you go by appearances...well his hair is neatly trimmed and his face is clean shaven and those suits never looked quite so tailored.
Things are normal because he checks all of their boxes. They never look any closer than they have to and he's learned not to concern himself with their casual nonchalance. It works in his favor most of the time if what he wants is to hide in plain sight.
But it does bother him that he hasn't seen Derek, that they haven't been alone together. Part of that, a big part, was his fault. It wasn't like Derek hadn't tried. It wasn't like he didn't call, but the team has had cases and Derek was pulling double duty with Hotch being out so when it came time to call him back, to ask him to come over because he wasn't cleared to drive yet...well it just felt wrong. So he didn't. He made excuses about being tired. They weren't lies, but tired had never stopped him before. Tired was always his excuse for stopping at Derek's instead of going all the way home. Tired was usually his reason.
He used to stay at work until too late, then show up on Derek's doorstep wrecked from the day. They would shower and Derek would wash his hair, massage his scalp gently until the day melted off of him because Derek says he loves you with generous amounts of physicality and Hotch can't get enough of that. It was sweet and gentle but more often than not that was foreplay, and after their shower they would land in bed and fuck until they fell asleep. Those days are lost to him now. Not even a distant memory, it's like they belong to someone else entirely and when he thinks about them it feels like mourning. That man died on the table, and this creature that emerged from the hospital more scar than skin, more pain than love shoved itself into that old man's suits and did the best job pretending that it could.
“You got a minute?”
He didn't expect Derek to knock on his door. Hell, he didn't even realize anyone had shown up yet. “Sure,” he mutters, closing the case file he'd been reviewing. Darrin Call stared up at him accusingly, calling him a failure. “I couldn't stop him,” he'd said as he stormed out of that house, but that was a little bit of a lie, wasn't it? He didn't mind Darrin shooting his father because wouldn't he like to shoot Foyet? Have some kind of vengeance on the man who torched his life so completely?
He looks up at Derek expectantly. A part of him has this little dream that Derek is going to be gentle, hell maybe he'll just ask him a work question, but mostly he knows that he's in trouble. Derek is at work two hours early and the reason is written all over his features.
“Finally,” Derek says, pulling a chair up beside Hotch's desk. “You sure you're not too tired?”
Hotch glares but says nothing. He deserves this, he knows it.
“Yeah, okay, silent treatment. I guess I should have seen that coming.”
“I'm not giving you the silent treatment, Derek,” Hotch says quietly and Derek thinks he sounds a little breathless. Not enough to be troubling, but some small voice in his head tells him to approach with caution.
He doesn't listen. “Look, man. We don't have much time so I'm just gonna say what I need to say so we can clear the air, yeah?”
Hotch nods, he figures that sounds fair. As fair as he has a right to ask.
“I need to know if I can trust you. I need to understand how you were cleared for duty 34 days after you bled out under Foyet's knife. How you let Emily drive you to and from work yesterday instead of calling me. How you've been in touch with Dave, he knows all sorts of shit and I'm here in the dark. You used to show up at my house in the middle of the night, and you'd crawl into my bed...under my sheets, remember that? Fuck, I had a key to your place last month. Now you don't even look at me. You're always too tired to talk to me. I know you changed your locks and didn't bother to give me a new key. And you know what? Fine, you're really going through it and apparently, I'm the last person you want around you. I don't know what I did to make you feel that way, but I can respect that what happened is a lot for someone to handle and you can take your time. I'm not going anywhere; I'll be here when you want me around again. But I still gotta know I can trust you at work not to go and put yourself in danger, not to put the team in danger, not to put victims in danger.”
“You didn't do anything.” Of all the pieces of that monologue, Hotch grabs hold of that. It's the most important part. He's not going to justify his decisions as Unit Chief just because they're afraid he's off his game. Maybe he'd have to consider his ability to lead the team soon but for now there really hadn't been any unnecessary loss of life, no one important was hurt, he'd done his job. But making Derek feel responsible for something he didn't do, that part hurt. Because it wasn't true. It caught in his throat, obstructed his breathing for a little too long. He's more than a little stunned by the weight of Derek's words. “You didn't.”
“Yeah? Well that doesn't help me right now. Thanks but no thanks.”
“What can I say?” Hotch asks, folding his arms over his chest and leaning back in his chair. His fingertips feel electric and that's never a good sign. He knows what's coming, there is a feeling of doom, of a speeding freight train about to slam into his chest. He's pressing hard on his ribs with static fingers to keep himself together. He glances at the clock and then at the door, they still have time which means Derek is going to continue and he's got to get his shit together. He squeezes his arms tighter against his chest, frowns to focus himself and braces for the impact.
“You know, all I want is some honesty, if that's not too much to ask. No bullshit, none of your canned responses, just one honest thing and I'll leave you alone. I'll walk outta this office and we're cool.”
Hotch, already on the verge of tears, agrees. What else is there to do? He certainly owes Derek at least that much. And if he can just get that answer out, whatever it is, then Derek will leave and he can return to the safety of case files.
“What do you want to know?” Derek hears it again, that breathlessness. It's more pronounced this time and it dictates the question he asks – he thinks it's a simple one, a simple question with a simple answer. And he's pretty sure he already knows what the answer is anyway, so it'll be easy to detect the lie.
“Why'd you take the vest off, Hotch? I get why you wanted to go into that house by yourself, and as pissed as I am about it...I'll get over it. But why the fuck did you take off the vest? Go in unprotected?”
Not the question Hotch expected, not even close. With the last gust of air in his lungs, he lets the words speak themselves. The room becomes a vacuum, walls stretching tall and thin while his voice rattles through what's left of his already paper-thin defenses.
But the answer is easy. He doesn't want to say it, but it's so easy it's almost silly.
“It hurt.”
For one beautiful second, his chest stops hurting and the world doesn't collapse in on him and he thinks huh, maybe it works. Maybe telling the truth really can set you free. The way Derek blinks at him, slow and owlish, he thinks he's said something wrong. That Derek thinks he's lying. He tries to open his mouth to clarify that the vest is heavy and tight and his fucking stomach, his chest, his body just hurts so bad all the time but he doesn't get that far before his vision goes spotty and gray. He's on so many new medications that none of this comes as a shock to him, his body is a wreck and he's barely hanging on by a thread.
Hotch screws his eyes shut and tightens his arms over his chest in a desperate attempt to make himself smaller, to fold himself up. He hinges forward until his arms touch his thighs and his sandpaper lungs scrape as he gasps in and out hoping for air. He's dying. His heart is going to explode. The pulse in his head is a thundering river.
The door is closed, and the blinds are pulled, the lights go out and he's keenly aware of each thing but not how they happen. Little changes in his world, so quick he picks them up and then it's just like they always were. The lights were never on. And, like an answer to a question he never asks, Derek's hand is resting warm and heavy against the back of his neck. He'd almost forgotten Derek was there when everything vanished around him. Derek meat-hooks him, an old boxing move, just hooks the back of his neck in one hand and pulls him close. Manhandles him. Derek doesn't ask him what's wrong or what's happening, Hotch's anxiety has been a pillar of their relationship since the beginning, in much the same way as Derek's nightmares. Shared hotel rooms on slim FBI budgets leave very little to the imagination, and when they did manage to have separate rooms well, they always came with paper thin walls.
“I'm sorry,” Derek whispers, crouching beside Hotch. He's not sure what exactly he's sorry for, there's so much running through his mind right now. He could be sorry for just about anything, honestly. That he'd just taken his anger out on a man who was already beaten to pulp. That any of it had even happened in the first place. That he hadn't been there. That his damn credentials were left with him in the ER and it should have been him that Foyet went after. There were more things to be sorry for than stars in the sky, so he squeezed the back of Hotch's neck and rested his forehead against Hotch's trembling shoulder.
Hotch needs quiet. Derek has learned that one simple fact over the years. At first he thought he should tell him to breathe, coax him through it, that's what people said you should do. His therapist used to tell him to find three things he could touch, three he could taste, three he could smell. Some variation of that, and it worked about as well as could be expected...on him. Not Hotch. He quickly found that it only made Hotch feel worse. Only made the panic settle in harder, hold with a firmer grip. “It hurts, Derek,” he gasped pitifully, his ribs expanding painfully, flaring wider and wider as he tried to suck breath into his ailing lungs. Not quite hyperventilating, but dangerously close. “It hurts. All the time. It never stops.”
“I'm sorry,” Derek whispers again, shaking his head. “I'm so sorry. It will...it will stop...” He runs his hand from Hotch's neck down his back and up again, slow and heavy. Hotch moans and hugs himself tighter to try and stave off the pain of his ribs ripping him open. Up and down Derek's hand moves, trying to help him remember the motion, how to draw breath.
It's a fast one. Derek has seen him through some that he thought would never end, that left Hotch worn and wasted for hours after. He's seen him through some that even made him panic and think about hospitals. This one was fast, just a couple of minutes, and he's thankful for that. When the tension relaxes in his shoulders and his breaths come in smaller and shakier but without so much effort, Derek raises his head and really takes in the sight of Hotch hunched over there in his suit and tie and he gets it.
He gets it. Can't believe he missed it.
Reid got shot in the leg, and they all see it every day. They see the crutches and they ask him how he's feeling because they're constantly reminded of what happened. It's front and center. But all of Hotch's injuries are buried beneath his suit and his scowl. Nothing left but vicious scars and it was easy to believe that because the skin had healed, so had the wounds themselves. He was up and walking, he was behaving like he always did.
He hadn't let them see his wounds. Derek wasn't surprised by that, he wouldn't have either. The police took their photos for the reports, photos that probably mirrored Foyet's own, and Jessica sat in the room with him. Jessica, angry Jessica, standing sentinel as they poked and prodded and asked questions he didn't want to answer. Not in front of her, not in front of anyone, about being violated in his own home. She'd shown up out of a sense of duty to her sister, forgetting briefly that he was even her friend. He was the source of pain, and she'd prepared so many awful things to say to him, to shout at him, as she flew across town going nearly twice the posted speed limit in places only to end up crying at his bed side. Because she loved him so damn much, and seeing him there...like that...she didn't leave the hospital again. She was the only one he let stay.
So, none of them saw anything but a few scraps of gauze on his arms, when the real mess was beneath a hospital gown and a blanket and he kept it there. It could have been hiding anything.
Derek has taken this man to bed more times than he can count and he still hasn't seen what Foyet left behind for him. He knows Foyet was thinking about him when he did it, in some sick twisted way. Like a cat who drags a bird inside, fucks it up, feathers and blood and guts everywhere...a gift. I love you, see how much I love you? Fear me, because I can do this to you too. He can feel Foyet when he stands close to Hotch. Foyet who focused on Hotch, but wants to remind Derek how lucky he is to have been allowed to live.
“Please let me back in,” Derek pleads, finally. He thought he was okay with waiting, with being patient, but fuck. He couldn't do this. It was torture.
“I can't,” Hotch whispers back, his voice barely more than the sound of wind whistling through reeds on a summer night. It's ghostly. It scares Derek.
“Why not? What the hell did I do?” He knows he's treading in dangerous waters and he's really trying not to hit any trip wires, not to set Hotch off again. It's the last thing he wants.
“Nothing. You didn't do anything...” Hotch gasps, and he thinks the panic is setting in again. His breath hitches and his chest expands painfully but he presses his palm to his sternum and he sucks breath after breath in through his nose. It works. “Foyet is watching me. I can feel it. He's waiting until he can get you too. You can't...be around.”
“Oh, man, fuck Foyet.”
“That isn't how this works.” Hotch knows that Derek keeps that bullet in his desk, that he looks at it every day to remind himself of how close he was. He knows that Foyet is torturing Derek, too. But he can stop it from going any further.
“Why? Because he says so? I don't take orders from that sonofabitch. He does not get to steal your family and your life. Let him come at me, Aaron. I fucking dare him. Weeny ass string bean.”
Hotch smiles, just a little, through the tears. His nose is running and he fumbles around in his pocket for his handkerchief. “He got me.”
“Yeah, cos that chickenshit hid in your apartment and took you by surprise after a really fucking bad day. Any other time and he's leaving in a body bag, you know it. That guy is a coward and nothing more. He knows it, too, that's why he did you like he did.”
Hotch is sort of stunned for a moment, because in all the thinking he'd done over the last month and some change...he hadn't ever bothered to consider that. Not that he couldn't eventually have arrived at that conclusion himself but hearing it from Derek felt almost like a weight being lifted from his chest.
“Come on. You know that coward can't take us both. Come stay with me for a few days, just the weekend even. Clooney misses the shit outta you and I'm sure he'd love to snack on Foyet if he dares to show his ugly mug around my place.”
Before Hotch can answer, there's a knock at the door and Derek stands up. He's going to answer it while Hotch does his best to pull himself together. On the other side of the door is JJ with the worst words she can possibly say at that time. Neither of them are surprised.
“We've got a case, guys. It's a bad one.” She always says that, it is pretty meaningless now, but she notices that Hotch's eyes look red and raw, and Derek looks a little disheveled. Worn out. She knows she's interrupted something important and she doesn't feel good about it. “I'll start debriefing the team, we can catch you up on the jet. Take your time.”
“Thanks, Jayj.”
He closes the door again, briefly, and glances over at Hotch who is doing his best to remove tear tracks from his cheeks. Derek thinks it's kind of cute, the way he dabs at his skin with that old embroidered handkerchief.
“Rain check?” he asks hopefully, and Hotch nods.
“Rain check.” Maybe they'll go home together when they get off the jet.
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Text
It's OK to be Bi (Hyunjin x Reader)
TW- PANIC ATTACK
'I'm not bisexual', you said, looking into the mirror, to convince yourself, more than anyone else.
'Oh but you are' said the voice in your head.
You thought about what this might imply. You were in denial. The thought of not knowing your feelings, scared you. Your whole life, you had accepted the fact that you liked girls. And only girls. You were confident, and proud. You loved girls. That was a fact. Your parents knew it, you siblings knew it, you knew it. You loved girls. Not boys. Girls.
But one day, you met Hyunjin. He was a new student in your class. His face was surreal, his body was a spectacle, he made you want to stare at him, for hours on end. He was so cute, and he had these small quirky habits that made you want to smile.
When you caught yourself staring, you glanced away quickly.
What is wrong with me?
I like girls. Only girls.
To other people it may not seem like a great thing. But to you it was. It felt like all of a sudden, you didn't know who you were anymore. The conflict in your head was too unbearable. It led you back to some old memories, like when you came out to y our parents. Your parents were not proud of you, when you told them you were gay. They were going to be annoyed again if they found out about this... crush.
And you struggled with a panic disorder, which you were visiting a psychiatrist for, and taking medication for. Your parents didn't understand why you were sick, and really, neither did you, but they didn't want to accept you were sick, so they pretended that you were fine, and so did you, they shunned your problems, and you kept them to yourself.
You tried to keep it down at the depths of your heart, push down your emotions so inside, that you couldn't feel anything anymore. And you would control your feelings for Hwang Hyunjin just the same wat, which you believed, was just in your head.
'It's just a crush', you told yourself. 'It will go away soon enough.'
But deep inside, you wondered if it was so wrong to like him. Why was it so wrong to be bi? Why couldn't you just accept yourself as who you were? Why did you have to hide it?
But still, you had a hard time coming to terms with it.
One day, during math class, he caught your eye. He was sleeping, like most the kids were in your class, and you just sat there and stared at him. The teacher called out your name.
'Y/N! What is the area going to be between these two parabolas?'
'I'm sorry ma'am...... I'm not too sure....'
'Well if you stare at that guy's face all day, you aren't going to know! You are supposed to be one of the smartest kids here!'
He woke up and looked at you, puzzled.
You looked down, somehow holding back your tears, she was so insensitive, now everyone was going to know your secret before you could even come to terms with it. And it was all your fault.
'I'm.. sorry..'
'Well, all of you are useless anyways, sit back down'
That lunch break, you hid yourself in the bathroom, and cried your eyes out, you knew the kids were going to be talking about you crushing on a guy, when everybody knows that you're gay. They were going to think that you were faking being gay. You just wanted to vanish away into nothing. Why were you so careless?
You managed to dry off your tears, and walk back into your class, and the moment you entered the class, you were very aware of all the kids in your class, and they weren't necessarily paying any attention to you, but the fear gripped at your heart, you felt like every single person there was judging you, you knew what was going to happen now, you ran back out and into the art room, which was empty and let out a raspy gasp for breathe.
The familiar feeling of absolute and complete terror overtook your body. You couldn't move, you couldn't breathe.
You tried your best to breathe out, but it felt like you forgot how to exhale. You gasped and gasped for air, but it wasn't making it's way in , you tried to get up, but you couldn't move, you were shivering and shaking and you told yourself in your mind, that this has happened a hundred times before, it's just in your head, but it felt like all the logic was locked away and you couldn't control it. You lay there on the ground, a dumb, disgusting, pathetic heap.
Then strong hands gently clutched your shaky hands, and a voice, which felt so far away said, 'it's ok... I've got you.'
You looked up, Hyunjin was looking softly into your eyes, concerned.
'Just breathe' he said as calmly as he could.
You shook your head-'I...I c-ca......I.. can't......'
'Come on let's do it together, breathe in' he took a deep breath in, and you managed to inhale a raspy breath.
'Breathe out'
He did this about 10 times, and you managed to calm down.
You had been struggling with these attacks for three years now, and no one was ever there to comfort you, you hid away, and kept it a secret, and it felt like all your secrets were spilling out in front of this guy, and you hated it.
But you were also thankful that he showed up.
'I'm so sorry', you told him.
'Why? There's nothing for you to be sorry about, you just had a panic attack, it's completely normal.'
'Why did you even come here?' you asked him, shaking away his hand, and getting up to sit down on a bench.
'Well I saw you run out of class, I was kinda concerned and I kinda wanted to apologise for what happened in math class..'
'Can you not? It's so embarrassing, and it's all my fault anyways. You didn't even do anything.' You told him.
'I'm still not entirely sure what happened.'
'I don't want to tell you.'
'OK.'
'..'
'Are you feeling better now?'
'Yes I'm fine. Sorry again, that must have put you in a difficult position.'
'I told you, it's nothing to be sorry about, things only get worse, when you believe that panic attacks are something you do wrong.'
'No... I'm sorry because I have a crush on you.'
He looked at you. He didn't seem as surprised as you thought he would be.
'Well, that's not something you should feel sorry about either.'
'I'm bi. I think I'm abnormal and weird.' you spilled out your words before you could think.
'You are not. I think you're one of the nicest smartest people in school. And I think you're cute as you are. Being bi, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, I am so thankful that you entrusted me with your feelings.'
You looked at him.
He looked back at you.
It was awkward.
You didn't have a crush on him anymore, but you wanted to be very good friends with him.
'Thanks.', you said.
'No problem'
The bell rang with a loud metallic clang.
'Well, we should head back to class', he said.
'Yes'
'And I think we'll make good friends', you told him.
'I was thinking the same thing.'
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An: Usually all my work is heavily edited i check and check and recheck, but i don't fell up to it today, its not like many people read my stuff anyways XD.
Hope you like it!!
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cheekygreenty · 3 years
Text
Good 4 u - The Darkling x Reader
Here’s a draft I found, I remember quickly writing this on the train home from college, listening to Olivia Rodrigo’s song on repeat until I got sick of it. Enjoy bahahahah 😂😂
Alina this, Sun-Summoner that, Sankta Alina the other. It was annoying to constantly hear her name on other people's lips, Aleksander's especially. You should have known his obsession with her would turn into love but you were blind.
He said she was nothing worth his salt, Alina is the key to more power, he would say before he proclaimed his eternal love for you, showering you in love and pleasure. When your relationship fell apart and your heart broke, he took a piece of you with him, the temperate part, the side of you that was calm and rational. For now you were the walking form of resentment. He never cheated but this was much worse.
Aleksander didn't seem fazed, at all. No tears for the death of so many good memories, no sadness for the end of a chapter in his life. Maybe he experienced time differently from you because who in Saint's name pursues somebody so quickly after a breakup? Somebody who's already sure of their feelings long before they change their life around.
You held back your gags as you watched the two fawn over each other at the Winter Fete. She wore his color, black, and you had to admit she looked half decent in it too. You didn't hate her, she never did anything to you. But him, Oh saints you would kill him where he stood if you could. He looked happy, unlike you. It's like we never even happened, what the fuck is up with that?
There was a time when he looked at you like that, eyes full of adoration and love. Now he looked right through you, treating you like a stranger. 'He took out the trash' Zoya shrugged when you drunkenly told her what happened. Maybe she was right, maybe he never even loved me, maybe I was there to pass the time.
He was so unaffected by your break up it made you livid. Every glance spared in his direction radiated anger and disgust. You didn't even try to hide it anymore.
Your demonstration was about to begin. You were helping the Inferni twins show off your fire skills before Alina would end the show with a bang. You didn't care for parties shared with the Grand Palace and were guaranteed to leave right after your little firecracker of a performance, but some part of you itched to stay until the end.
You could see Polina get up on a small pedestal, signaling for you to get to yours. Aleksander stepped to the side, Alina at his arm. Gross. The power beamed off of him, he was doing good without me. What a shame.
You played around with the twins, completely forgetting the room of diplomats and even Aleksander, who never spared you a look. The fire felt good on your hands, swaying from side to side as you molded the element in your hands before splitting it in two, shooting it at the twins. Using your powers gave you a sense of calm and peace, but it never rid you of the rage you felt. Maybe you were too emotional.
You got down with a smile as the claps eased out. You went to leave, eager to leave the stiff atmosphere of the room. At least you showed up. But his voice made you stop at the door. Instead of it giving you a shiver of pleasure, it straightened your spine in defense.
'Her name is Alina Starkov' Someone pass me a bucket. His hands came together, submerging the room into darkness. Alina began her show, the light letting you catch a glimpse of him. As opposed to the entirety of the room, you only had eyes for him. He looked at her as if she was a goddess, he worshipped her. Fury rose in you. He looked at me like that first, or was it a lie? Maybe he never cared.
You wished for nothing more than for Alina to reject him, see him for the man he truly is. If he could play you the way he did then Saint's knows what he'll do to the poor young girl. You were headstrong and stubborn and he still managed to screw you over despite your built-up walls.
But what if they last? He'll have more power, the Sun-Summoner by his side and Ravka under his rule. And you'll still be you. An Inferni with a grudge.
Before you knew it, the room returned to its previous state and the diplomats were bowing down to their Sankta. You missed the whole thing brooding over Aleksander, who still stared at Alina like she was the air he needed to breathe.
You scoffed and walked away, not wanting to be in the same room as him anymore. What a dick. You strode around the Little Palace trying to cool down. One champagne glass turned into two then five. Still you felt the nagging tickle of anger. You suddenly heard shouts and signs of a fight, racing over to the room it was coming from. Even tipsy, the soldier in you replied immediately.
'This is for Zlatan' You ran through the door seeing an oprichniki slicing Alina's throat open. Oh Saint's no. You pounced on the man, quickly catching sight of Genya already on the floor tending to Alina. Apparently, you weren't the only one who heard the scuffle as the General's guards flooded the hallway, taking the rogue soldier from you. Your mind snapped back into reality, searching for Alina but finding a young Inferni in the black kefta. A double for security. Smart.
'Inform the General' Genya spoke, leaning over the body. Your blood ran cold, he would probably ignore you. But you did as she asked, running to where you saw him last. You searched for his black kefta in the sea of extravagantly dresses diplomats. You spotted Ivan chatting in the corner with Fedyor, 'Ivan where is the General?' You hid your blood-stained hands behind your back in an attempt to prevent unnecessary panic. 'In his quarters' He nodded his head towards the big double doors.
You walked away with a mumbled thank you. In his quarters. If Alina's absence was any indication of what he was doing, it would be a miracle if you didn't slap him the second you got the chance.
Your knock was sharp and loud in contrast to your shaking hands. Then you heard it, her laugh. You've got to be kidding me. Your bloody hands braced themselves against the doorframe, clutching the wood for dear life. Better the door than his face. As his face passed in your mind, the door opened just a tad, his body towering over your own. The smile he wore quickly washed away, replaced with a stern look.
'Y/N what are yo-' You stopped him with a signal of your hand, you didn't have the patience.
'Marie got attacked in the fitting room. She's dead. He's detained.' He looked at you passively, obviously wishing it was anyone but you knocking on his door right now.
'Wait here'
He shut the door again. But you could make out his conversation with Alina in the dead quiet of the hallway. You sent a silent prayer to the Saints about your previous argument. Let her see him for what he is.
You slowly backed away from the door, not wanting to hear anymore. You heard his boots step out into the hallway and took his silence as a sign to walk ahead to where the man was being kept. For you, the tension was awkward and insufferable but for him it was probably normal, although you knew he felt your pulsating rage.
There was nobody on this side of the Palace, his quarters weren't available to everybody and that made you thankful because what you were about to do would definitely be regarded as treason.
He didn't have time to register you turning around or the hand that slapped him across the cheek.
The noise echoed down the hallway, your hand stung, maybe that was too hard.
His jaw clenched but he didn't retalaite. Why was his ignorance such a trigger for you? It was what started this, him pretending you didn't exist caused you to fly off the walls.
You shoved his chest with all your might. Do something. He let you push him away but never looked you in the eyes.
'Are you going to say something?' You were furious, venom dripped from your words but had no effect on him. 'The big bad Aleksander lost for words? First I've ever seen it'
He turned his head towards you, looking into your eyes for the first time in weeks. It surprised you because you didn't miss it.
'What do you want me to say?' His voice was void of any emotion, no anger or pain, his composure never dropping. He was the complete opposite of you. Saints, you were the crazy ex.
You didn't reply. The truth was you didn't know what you wanted him to say. Nothing he could muster would fix this situation. His actions were irreversible and Alina was still in his chambers, the room where so many of your fondest memories took place.
'I wish to transfer to a camp. Permenantly.' You had been mulling over the decision for days now. You had put in a request with Ivan a week ago but never got an answer.
'I need you here teaching the students' So Ivan did send it on. Was this another one of his ways of ignoring you?
'Tough. I don't want to be here.' You faced your choices with logic. Your anger would never go away, the hurt of your first love betraying you soaked deep into your bones. Aleksander was immortal, he would never leave this Palace. You had no other option. He sighed loudly.
'Y/N let's keep our personal and work li-' You went for another slap, he deserved it, but this time he caught your hand mid-air, pushing you away gently. You walked backward, disgust turning in your stomach at the response your body had to his touch. He was an amplifier and the surety he brought you would always be there regardless of your feeling for him. You hated it.
'Good for you Aleksander. You got the girl, the power.... at least let me have something' Your voice cracked slightly. You wouldn't cry in front of him.
'I'll have Ivan sort it out'
With that, you left the hallway, completely forgetting about the task at hand, happy to finally have a day where he didn't cross your path.
Aleksander stood there watching your back as you walked away from him. You would never know the pain and anguish he felt every time somebody mentioned you, or when he thought of you. He loved you deeply, more than anything in this world, so he had to let you go. He would hate himself if anything happened to you in his fight for Ravka and Grisha, so he had to push you away.
He was selfish for ignoring you but also keeping you around. He knew it hurt you to see him around Alina, he knew all of it. He truly did. But he was too greedy. His own actions were confusing him. Push her away, make her hate you but keep her safe, keep her with you. It was impossible, either one or the other.
As you rounded the corner, he memorized you, all of you. It would be his last memory of you.
'Good for you Y/N, leave me and be safe'
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My masterlist 🖤
Taglist ( tell me if you want to be added!)
@theonelittleone @searching-for-gallifrey @lostysworld @0-artemis @exo-1204 @staradorned @bookfrog242 @simp-for-ben-barners @keepdaydreamingbb @acciorudolphx @pansysgirlfriend @pansysgirlfriend
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pollyaunt · 2 years
Text
Break My Heart- chapter 27
Fandom: From Blood & Ash
TW: None.
Summary: What happens when the star quarterback of Atlantia High School grows an interest towards the shy, adorable but smart girl in his grade? Come and join Hawke and Poppy on this rollercoaster of emotions.
a/n: 🤭😏
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"Who's keeping an eye on Oreo?"
I quickly arranged the the file with the list of names of who all would be coming and participating.
"I asked my neighbor to keep checking up on him in between hours for today."
Ian languidly followed me behind once I picked up the file and went towards the head of the security.
"Does he remind you of him?"
I kept walking and spoke without turning back, "Sometimes."
I couldn't just leave the red toy poodle. I didn't care whether Hawke bought him for me or not, I loved him with my whole heart and if anything happened to him I didn't think I'll be able to survive.
Once I was done with the security instructions, Tawny, one of the other directors of that day's event and my colleague, told me to meet in a conference room on the above floors.
When I went there, all the directors were present in the room as well as our boss.
"Good, now Poppy's also here. Listen everybody," he gestured us to come closer around him.
"I'll keep this short and quick. As we know, one of the biggest law firms in New York and our organization are conducting today's event in a partnership. Our budget wasn't enough for today and they decided to help us and in return they'll get more publicity which would be good for their reputation."
We all nodded.
"So we all know that they said only few of them might be able to make it today right? Yeah, so there's change of plans. Apparently, they all would come today because their boss was having second thoughts and changed his plans. Now, I've gathered all of you here to give you a fare warning to be alert and act professionally at all times."
We all nodded again and he spoke, "Good, you all can get back at doing what you were assigned to."
Great, more people who would be hearing my past. Totally cool. Note the sarcasm.
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Surprisingly, the event was going smoothly. Loads of people showed up and a lot of them shared their stories. The directors had to give a speech which meant so had to I. Almost all the stories that were shared brought tears to my eyes.
There were various types of people present, people who had to suffer from abuse, people who had to suffer from depression, people who had become suicidal, people who had trauma. I just had one thought during the whole time: People who make it even after all the suffering, are the bravest and the strongest people.
The people from law firm who arrived were actually really sweet and sincere and I appreciated their genuine smiles and questions.
Once my story was unfolded, a lot of my colleagues and even my boss came to me. This was what I hated the most, the sympathy but I didn't hold it against them because I knew they actually cared about me.
I was still processing the thought that there were people who weren't using me anymore and that they do liked me, when I heard a familiar voice conversing with my boss.
"I'm so sorry for being late. My car's tyre got punctured in the middle of the road so that took a lot of time."
I whirled around at the speed of lightening, my heartbeat running fast minute by minute. Ian was by my side, asking me questions when he saw my distressed face but my eyes were wandering around the room to make sure I didn't mishear.
And when my eyes finally landed on the owner of the voice, all the air vanished from my lungs.
He was still conversing with someone when our eyes connected and a flicker of recognition occurred in his eyes.
Both our eyes widened and I felt a panic attack approaching me.
Revenge. Pretend. Lie.
I mentally started counting and slowly backed away.
I'm falling for you. I love you. We'll grow old together.
But nothing could keep me calm when I realized that Hawke Da'neer was in the same room as me exactly after four years since he broke my heart.
Never again, I had promised myself but it seemed like fate and destiny were against me, yet again.
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BREAK MY HEART HAS OFFICIALLY ENDED! this was an open-ended story so you can imagine what happened next.
No plans for a sequel. Thankyou to all my readers for supporting me!
tag list: @the-introverted-bibliophile
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strawberrymogurt · 3 years
Text
Moving On - Steve Rogers
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Three years.
That's how long it had been since you'd been in his arms. Since you'd last kissed his lips; Since the last time that he told you that he loved you.
Two years, ten months, and seventeen days.
That's how long it had been since the fight. He got home from a mission and was having a bad day, a bad week, maybe even a bad month. He had been gone on a long assignment and they had lost a civilian in the midst of a battle and he kept blaming himself. He got angry that you kept trying to tell him it wasn't his fault. He whole-heartedly believed he was to blame for the ten-year-old little boy that died that day. The building collapsed and there hasn't been anything he could have done, but he still blamed himself. So he started yelling at you, taking his anger out by raising his voice, even though he knew you hated yelling. It's why you no longer worked in the field but instead preferred to sit behind a desk and mindlessly file paperwork. You yelled back. You hadn't raised your voice at anyone for five years but you yelled at him because you loved him and he was being a stupid asshole at the moment. You were trying to get it through his thick skull that it wasn't his fault.
He told you to leave. He told you to get out of his apartment. He said you were done.
You stopped yelling.
You didn't say anything. You just stood there in shock as he breathed heavily. He yelled one more time for you to go, watching you flinch with tears in your eyes, but you didn't move. He didn't yell anymore after that. He just looked at you sadly and went to his room, slamming the door behind him.
You grabbed your bag from the table by the door, wiped your tears and left your key on the counter.
If he wanted to fix this, he had your number.
One year.
That's how long it had been since you saw the article in that magazine. He had a new girlfriend. She was pretty and blonde and wasn't afraid to go into the field. You'd seen her at work before, she was a legacy. She was a Carter. How could you compete with her?
You still loved him. You knew you always would. You threw yourself into your work, leaving as little time for social activities as you could. You didn't want to have that conversation with your brother again.
"What happened to you two? Stevie always talked about how much he loved you."
"Leave it, Buck. I don't want to talk about it."
After a few months of that conversation, a new one started to make an appearance anytime you shared a meal with your twin.
"So, met anyone recently?"
"Not in the mood, Buck."
"C'mon, little sis, I just want to make sure that whatever man has my sister's heart is worthy to hold it."
'Little Sis'. You weren't younger than him. Not really. Only about seven minutes between you two, but you were more than a foot shorter than him and he used to love to rub it in your face. You stopped reacting to his short jokes almost two years ago.
He stopped mentioning Steve eighteen months ago when it caused you to have a panic attack during the Fourth of July firework show at Stark Tower. Steve's birthday had already been touchy for you, but when your brother brought up the man himself, you just wanted to fade away into the background.
You were in love with a man you couldn't have. A man who didn't want you. A man you had loved for over 100 years so how could you stop now?
Ten Minutes.
That's how long you had been hiding in the bathroom of a coffee shop. You had seen Steve and Sharon having what looked like an argument outside the window across from your favourite table. You took three deep breaths, counted to ten, then left the bathroom.
"(Y/N)?"
You froze. You hadn't heard his voice say your name for years, far before you guys broke up. He always called you 'sweetheart' or 'doll'. You thought about pretending you hadn't heard him but he was standing five feet away from you so you turned slowly towards him. He went to take a step closer to you, but you must have looked like a deer in headlights, so he took a step back instead, giving you a little more room to breathe.
"H-how have you been?" He tucked his hands in his front pockets and rocked a little on his feet. You had always found his nervousness adorable. You put on a fake smile and tucked your hair behind your ear.
"I've been, y'know, busy. Working hard."
"Yeah? Buck told me you two haven't spoken much recently."
"O-oh, he did? Huh, guess I'll have to give him a call then." You could tell he didn't believe your fake-perky act, but you refused to let it drop.
"(Y/N), tell me how you really are. Buck says you don't talk to anyone and you, um.. he says you're still single. Why's that, no one peak your interest?" You just stared at him. You had dropped your smile and replaced it with a frown and furrowed eyebrows.
"I tried to move on, but nobody is you." You weren't even sure if you had actually said the words. You thought maybe they had come out as a whisper, but the buzz in your ears from the activity around you made it hard for you to tell. The look on his face cemented your suspicion. You had said it. You had told him.
"Oh."
That pissed you off.
"'Oh'? Is that all you have to say?" He let out a harsh chuckle. "Jesus, Steve. I just basically told you that I'm still in love with you and all you have to say is 'oh'? Do I have to spell it out for you instead?" You had raised your voice again. He didn't move and everyone around you in the coffee shop was now listening to your conversation but you couldn't care less anymore.
"Do I have to tell you how I can't go a few hours without thinking about you? Can't go more than a day without missing you? Do you need to hear about how I've loved you since we were kids? Since you were the scrawny five-year-old with asthma who tried to fight a kid almost twice our age for pulling on my pigtails? My brother had to jump in to keep you from having your ass kicked! I didn't even tell him what happened between us because you're his best friend and I didn't want him to push you away because we weren't together anymore. I didn't want you to lose all of your family in one fell swoop so I never told anyone why we broke up."
"(Y/N)..."
"What, Steven? What could you possibly say to fix what you broke?"
You were breathing heavy with tears streaming down your face. You weren't sure when you started crying, but you didn't bother wiping your cheeks. You grabbed your jacket off the back of the chair you had been sitting at before you had seen him, and you shoved your arms through the sleeves. You looked at him for another minute, waiting for him to say something. Waiting for him to DO something. Finally, you let out a sigh that almost turned into a sob and brushed past him.
You had barely gotten past where he was standing when he caught your hand and turned you around. He placed his other hand on your cheek and used his thumb to wipe away your tears. He looked into your eyes for a moment before kissing you. It was soft and sweet and too short for the amount of time you had spent being apart from him. He rested his forehead against yours after he pulled away.
"I didn't call you after that fight because I thought you would hate me for the way I yelled at you. I thought you wouldn't come back to me. You left your key so I assumed you had decided you were done with me. I'm so sorry. Baby, I am so so so sorry for hurting you."
You felt his eyebrows scrunch up and you knew he was crying, too. You pulled back and looked at him, waiting for him to open his eyes and look at you. And once he did, you brushed away a tear that had slid down his cheek.
"I forgive you, Stevie. I will always forgive you. I have loved you for so long that if I stop I'm afraid I'll stop breathing, too. I almost did when I thought you had stopped loving me. When I saw you with Sharon."
"I kept trying to tell the media that I wasn't dating her, but no one believed me."
"You two weren't together?"
"No," he chuckled softly and pulled your hands away from his face to intertwine his fingers with you. "How could I look at anyone else when you've always been the only one for me, doll?" You laughed a little as tears welled in your eyes. How could you have both been so dumb?
"Marry me, (Y/N)."
"What?"
"I should have asked you so long ago; before I went in the ice, even. I even bought a ring once, but I got scared and never gave it to you. I've been carrying it around hoping to work up the courage to talk to you for the last three years. In all honesty, I was carrying it around way before that fight." He pulled away from you and reached into the inside pocket of his motorcycle jacket, pulling out a tiny blue velvet box. He took a step back and got down on one knee in front of you.
"(Y/N)(Y/M/N)Barnes, you are the love of my life and the last three years without you has been Hell on Earth. I can't sleep, I can't think, I can barely breathe without you by my side. I am so glad I didn't completely screw all of this up when I came back from that mission so long ago. I know that this probably seems like poor timing since I just got you back, but after being away from you for so long I can't imagine being anywhere but next to you. So, if you'll have me after I made a complete ass of myself," a gasp was heard from somewhere in the coffee shop. The great Captain America has just cussed. You giggled and wiped your cheeks.
"Will you make me the happiest man alive, and do me the honour of marrying me?"
"Yes, Stevie. A million times yes." You fell into him and hugged him as you heard clapping and soft sniffles from all of the people around you. Steve kissed the side of your head and pulled back to slip the ring on your finger. You smiled at him for a minute before you spoke again.
"One condition though." He looked at you expectantly as he still held your hand. "You've got to find yourself a best man that isn't my brother." Steve looked at you with a little bit of confusion.
"I'll need someone to give me away, after all."
"Anything for you, sweetheart."
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5csbin · 3 years
Text
HAUNTED HOUSE !
HALLOWEEN TXT EDITION!
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txt x neutral reader !
WARNING !: cursing! knifes! haunted house! JYP AND 6IX9INE!
a very crack and dumb one shot i made.
“MANE IF YALL DONT SHUT THE FUCK UP!” taehyun shouted as they were walking up to the line since everyone began to nag.
"this is why i wanted to go trick or treating instead." beomgyu pouted and folded his arms as he and the rest of the group waited in line to go inside of the haunted house.
well it was more like a haunted barn, where they would all get on a hayride and be driven throughout the barn and be spooked supposedly. "trick or treating?? how old are you again?" kai mocked him,
"no offense but i'm starting to think you were right when you said beomgyu was still mentally 9 years old because.. this is starting to get worrying. what 19 year old is trying go trick or treating?" yeonjun added in agreement, while taehyun shot him a dirty look for throwing shade at his best friend.
beomgyu’s first instinct was to scoot closer to (y/n), but he then fired off a clapback of his own. "the only thing that's worrying is that wig you're wearing, who the fuck are you even supposed to be? lord farquad on crack?" gyu fired back at yeonjun, who was now touching the short black bob on top of his head.
soobin couldn't help but laugh, even though it was his own boyfr- bestfriend getting flamed and soon, everybody else in the group let out laughter at gyu’s clapback. even taehyun, who couldn't stand beomgyu, was practically crying laughing at what was said.
"actually, i'm supposed to be dora," yeonjun replied, gesturing to his pink t shirt and bright orange jeans. "and soobin is.. well diego." he pulled soobin closer to him after saying that and kissed his forehead, before ruffling his blueberry curls a little.
"wait.. ain't dora and diego supposed to be cousins?" taehyun asked, his mouth curling in disgust, "i don't think that's positive..." kai added.
“cousin lovers.” (y/n) said making yeonjun smack their arm.
it was a wonder how they didn't annoy the others waiting in line for their ride, since they would fight every second. meanwhile as the group turn drew closer and closer, beomgyu found himself regretting agreeing to come here.
it was weird.. he loved horror movies, but he despised haunted houses because even though both were fake events, being in a haunted house was just so up close and personal you know?
if it wasn't for it being (y/n)'s birthday (lets just pretend ur birthday was on halloween.) beomgyu wouldn't have came, and he would have probably just stayed at home and took pictures of his costume for instagram before going over to hyunjin’s to watch scary movies.
(y/n) noticed that beomgyu looked uncomfortable amongst all of the roasts and jokes flying amongst the group and they decided to ask what was wrong.
"gyu, why do you look so sad? being sad is my job," (y/n) asked as the group continued to move up in the line. "i'm not sad," beomgyu answered. "i'm just nervous, i don't like haunted houses.. i had a really bad panic attack the last time i went to one, and i don't wanna have one and ruin your birthday or anything.. i probably should have just stayed my ass home."
"nah, you not going to ruin my birthday, you're my friend and i care about you... it won't be that scary, it's literally a haunted barn. you know what barns have? cows and chickens. now who's scared of cows and chickens? nobody. except blades of grass."
the little pep talk made gyu feel slightly calmer. "thanks," he replied, fumbling with the thick leather choker around his neck. "your costume is really cute by the way. i like the face paint."
"thanks, it was kai’s idea actually," they responded with a chipper edge to their voice. (y/n)' costume consisted of a sweatshirt and sweatpants with a skeleton printed on the front, and his face was made up to look like a skull.
after beomgyu was calm, he found himself overhearing a conversation between hueningkai, taehyun, and his knives.
"no tae, you can't bring your knives in here with you," hyuka shook his head as taehyun kept asking if he could run back to the car real quick and grab his knives "cmon kai, just in case a demon wanna try some shit"
"well.. can i get my ouija board?" tyun asked, his lips twisting into a devious smile. "i just wanna talk to the demons, it's halloween, and if it's any day i should be allowed to do this, it's today."
"ain't there no demons.. this is a barn. you wanna talk to demonic horses and shit?" yeonjun pokes in the conversation and raised an eyebrow.
"yes? of course i do, the fuck do you think i am?" taehyun whined, pointing to the devil horns on top of his head as the group finally made it to the front of the line and were waiting for the tractor to come back so that they could get on the hayride.
finally, after they all stood around and handed in their tickets to the clerk in front of the line, their tractor was ready, pulling along the hay covered cart as it came to a stop in front of the barn entrance, waiting for the group to board it.
"wait, hay? y'all ain't say there was going to be hay..." soobin complained, his skin already itching just by looking at all that hay. "y'all do know i'm allergic to hay right?"
"bitchhh, we been said it was a hayride involved," hueningkai snapped, "what you done caught the (y/n) disease where you forget everything every minutes or what?"
"aye i don't forget everything, i just be high," (y/n) cut in as they handed in their tickets to the clerk. "and i'm allergic to hay!" soobin cried out, scratching his forearm.
soobin actually is allergic to hay, but it wasn't something severe, he just got irritated by it and it caused his skin to rash up, not like his skin didn't already look as if it was full of rashes.
(that not true btw)
"oh well," hueningkai replied in a deadpan tone, shrugging. "guess you'll just die then."
after they've all handed in their tickets, everyone began to board the hay filled cart, with everyone obviously choosing to be closest to their besties.
when they got onto the cart. soobin was snuggled up to yeonjun, playing with his diego the explore backpack trying to ignore the itchy feeling the hay gave him.taehyun was resting his head on (y/n)’s shoulder, whining about his knifes, beomgyu was clinging onto kai for dear life, because he was still scared after all.
"i better not hear none of y'all screaming like no pussies after we get in here," yeonjun started after the tractor began to start up and drive them into the dark, cool barn. "how y'all gon be scared of demons when i'm taehyun a whole demon. y'all scared of him now?"
"actually, yes, i'm scared of him just a little bit," beomgyu answered, his tone groggy.
"considering he tried to kill me on multiple occasions and almost succeeded, yes yeonjun, i'm scared of taehyun and he make me fear for my life." soobin added on, slightly flinching at just saying the word taehyun.
"that was before i became positive," taehyun suddenly flashed soobin and beomgyu a toothy smile, "just like i'm positive that none of these demons or zombies or whatever the fuck is in this barn is gon' do shit to us."
"tae if you don't shut your ass up, there’s no demons in here, nor is there any zombies, they are paid actors. you wish you was in a horror movie so bad," hueningkai cut in, once again ruining tyun’s fun.
as of right now, nothing scary was going on. just the typical music playing throughout the barn, random screams, and plastic skeletons appearing out of nowhere. shit that made little kids be scared of, but anyone else wouldn't be phased. not even beomgyu was phased by what was going on, and he was the main one who was scared to come along.
but then.. things started to get more spooky. the people who were sitting on the edge would start to get grabbed and poked without warning, and people would come up on side of the cart out of nowhere and scream or otherwise bring attention to themselves, which would catch them off guard obviously, but shit like that was to be expected at a haunted house.. or in this case a haunted barn.
but soon though, things began to get downright creepy.
as they were sitting in the cart, slightly startled and caught off guard by the jumpscares, but not too shaken up, not even beomgyu was that scared, as he made sure to sit in the middle of the cart to avoid being randomly grabbed or touched by these strangers in costume, and it was just amusing to people like taehyun or (y/n), they weren't prepared for what started to happen next.
soon the music that sounded as if it was from a demonic nursery cut out mid note, and it was replaced by an old, gravely sounding voice that began to sing happy birthday very terribly and off key.
and they thought this was creepy, considering it was gus' birthday, but they considered it was a coincidence. "damn (n/n), they singing happy birthday to you, that's wild," yeonjun noticed, laughing at the 'coincidence'.
"see, i told y'all they’re really a skeleton, how else would they know that we're here for their birthday, hmm?" beomgyu added matter of factly causing the others to let out laughter.
so even though it was somewhat unsettling, it didn't become horrifying until the voice replaced "happy birthday to you," with "happy birthday (y/n)."
the place then became a chorus of "did yall hear that shit?" and "yeo what the fuck?!" after they noticed that, with (y/n) in particular being especially shook that there seemed to be a demon singing specifically to them, and their eyes went wide as the voice continued to serenade them, albeit poorly.
"see, this ain't it no more." soobin announced and hueningkai nodded in agreement. "h-how do they know it's (n/n)' birthday? much less who (y/n) is?" beomgyu asked as he held onto (y/n) even tighter than he was before. "i'm scared now."
"that's what we all want to know," yeonjun answered before reaching up to adjust his wig, before feeling nothing but his real hair tied back. he knew his wig didn't fall off or get snatched off, he had it secured with bobby pins, because it was one of his mother's wigs and he didn't want to lose it, but it had just completely disappeared.
"uh...my wig is gone," yeonjun announced and soobin just nodded. "same."
"no i mean it's for real gone... my dora or lord farquaad or whatever the fuck wig i was wearing earlier just.. disappeared into thin air." yeonjun continued to explain as he continued to search the surrounding area for it, just in case it fell out of his head but it was actually gone.
"see, i told y'all asses there were demons in here, but y'all didn’t wanna listen now y'all getting your shit taken, and demons are singing happy birthday to (y/n) and shit, and now y'all shocked," taehyun added with a huff.
"tyun, ain't no demons in here. if there were demons in here, they would do a lot worse than steal hats and wigs and sing happy birthday, believe that. they'd be torturing us psychologically, and- wait, where the fuck is my sheep hat?" hueningkai touched the top of his head, where his costume top was missing from, and now he was heated.
"yeah, we gotta get outta here."
more shit like that continued to happen with the voice continuing to reference them by name, and reference stuff that only people that know them would know, like soobin almost running someone over once, or yeonjun’s furry suit,and then, near the end of the ride, it all came together in the worst possible way.
a single echoing voice with a thick new york accent screaming "SCUUUUM GANGGGG!" followed by a laugh in the distance that sounded a lot like jyp’s laugh.
and in that moment, all of them literally hopped off of the cart and ran towards the exit.
156 notes · View notes
Text
❛ TWO ROADS ❜
with Canche and Obispo ‘Bishop’ Losa.
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Warnings: none.
Word count: 2k.
Aurora says: this writing hasn't been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I'm sorry about that!
Gif credits: to my wonderful @sonsofeorl ✨
Masterlist. You can subscribe to my broadcast list, to be notified whenever I post a writing!
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“Please, don't do that. Let me go”. With both hands raised to the man, you tried to push him away.
“No”. He just said with a naughty smile drawn on his lips, before grabbing your wrists to lift you up over his shoulder like a heavy bag, walking to the main room of the house.
“Let me go!” You shouted stirring over him, until you felt your body falling down over the mattress.
Sitting up on your forearms, you blow into a rebellious tuft of hair in the middle of your face, frowning. You couldn't barely breathe because of the efforts, watching the man crawling above the bed.
“I swear I'm gonna kill you”.
“Will you?” He asked, twisting his neck slightly, pouncing on you to tickle you on both sides.
“Canche, stop!” You screamed between laughs, trying to catch his hands while he made himself some space between your legs.
“C'mon, five minutes more, princesa de los Mayas”. The mexican surrounded you with his strong arms, resting his face on your stomach.
“My father is gonna kill us, if he finds out”.
“Just five minutes more”. He begged almost in a whisper, closing his eyes.
“I hate you”. You growled rolling your eyes, pretending that you didn't want to spend some time more together.
“I'm glad to know that it's something reciprocated”. The Mayan muttered, moving some inches until reaching your lips.
Tangling your legs with his and placing your hands on his head, you deepened the kiss, keeping the slow pace but welcoming his tongue inside your mouth. Every time you were this close, he had the same effect on you like the first time, bristling your skin and needing for more. You could assure that he was so in love with you, as you were with him. And you would like to shout it to the rooftops. But that wasn't an option. Not for the moment, at least.
“I know that… you can't call me”. You said caressing his neck with one of your hands, using your nails to made him some sweet tickles. “But… two weeks is too much. Maybe… I don't know… a text, to know that you're okay”.
“I will try, mi amor. I swear it”. He replied with a low tone of voice, accommodating his head on the pillow. “And when I come back, we will disappear for some days. We can go to the beach, if you want”.
“Sounds good, yeah”. You nodded assorted on the way of his lips moving, totally spellbound hearing his voice.
The man took back his hands to undone the clasp of the fine gold chain, with a small medal of the Virgen de Guadalupe. Silent, and very focused on his new task, he placed it around your neck. You knew how much he loved that necklace, being a gift from his mother who passed away some years ago. Giving it to you meant more than anyone could imagine, and you would swear you were about to cry if he hasn't kissed you again.
You have never been a believer, but you started to pray every night for him, to keep him safe and alive. It has been two long weeks, with a trip that started in Southern Cali to Stockton and Oakland, continuing to Portland. And after that, back to Santo Padre. One of the trips more dangerous of Mayans history, with a shipment of AK-47, even if they were accompanied by some SOA charters. But the day of their return has come and, with it, all your men. At least, you know it when you see through the front window of your car all the bikes parked there. The first you find is your father's. Next to it, Canche's.
Almost jumping out from your seat, you run like never before to the inside of the clubhouse. But the situation that welcomes you is chaotic. You open the door on time to watch Bishop tackling your boyfriend. A storm of hits and kicks is around everywhere, while the other Mayans stare at you almost frowning. You don't need to be a genius to know what is happening. Grabbing Ibarra's gun, being aware that no one is going to stop the fight, you point at the roof to fire it. The bullet impacting on it, calls everyone's attention. The two men on the floor are breathing violently, blood on their faces and angry gestures. Then, you point at them.
“The next one throwing a punch, juro por la Virgen that I'm gonna shot his brain off”.
The men separate from each other, standing up over their feet and shaking their clothes.
“How much time have you been together?” Your father asks, cleaning a brief red thread flowing from his bottom lip. His eyes are filled with rage.
“Why does it matter, dad?”
“Because I asked you for one last thing, and you shitted on it”.
“Do you think I made it on purpose? That I chose it?”
“You betrayed me. And you lied to me”.
“For God's sake… Ain't gonna talk about it in front of all these men”.
“We don't have anything else to talk about. You already took a decision”.
You just nod, one time. Stretching your arm to Ibarra, you give him back his gun.
“Doing the same shit that your mother did”.
His whisper doesn't go unnoticed to your ears, taking a step ahead when he's about to unlock himself inside the Templo.
“You pushed mom away, just like you are doing with me. If you are alone, if you are losing the only people who really love you, it's because of you, padre. Because of your jealousy, because of your inflexibility, because of your egocentrism complex”.
Bishop doesn't turn, but suddenly stops his heavy feet.
“(Y/N), don't talk to your father like that”. Canche says, frowning at you.
“Truth fucks you up, right?” You say raising your chin. “Love doesn't mean to hurt, dad. And sometimes I feel that you stab my chest. That you suffocate me. I feel alone the whole time, and you don't really know what it feels like, because I'm always by your side. But you weren't for me when I needed you the most. So don't blame me for choosing a man who cares about me, without asking anything back, over you”.
It has been the worst weeks of your life. You were sure that you were suddenly and inevitably falling into a dark depression, when you realized that you haven't gone out of Canche's house since you came. Mostly, you are tucked in his bed, grabbing the pillow as strongly as you can, wetting it with your tormented tears. A prospect was accompanying you all the time that your boyfriend was away from your side.
“How is the kid?”
Taza gets up from his chair, before Canche can leave the Templo. He turns around crossing his arms over his chest.
“Who asks?”
No one replies.
“She isn't happy, if you wanna know it”. His eyes are on Bishop's. “She cries most of the day. Hardly eats anything. And I can't remember how her laugh sounds”.
Your boyfriend is about to continue his steps, but he stops again.
“And I had to take her to the hospital some days ago, because she has a panic attack”.
“Maybe if you di—”.
“Don't you dare to add me in your equation, Bishop. This is your fault, not mine. I care about her. I love her. And I want to spend my life with her. I'm not trying to steal your daughter from you. I'm not asking her to leave you. I was even about to delegate my position as Presidente, and ask for a change of charter to be close to her. To come to Santo Padre, so she wouldn't have to leave her family”. His voice sounds firmly, blunt. “You are losing your daughter because of you, not because of me”.
Canche doesn't want to waste more time, having a road of one hour and a half to his house. The only thing he wants right now is come back, be with you, and try to comfort your pain somehow. So he doesn't notice that the crew follows him to the outside, in the meantime that he reaches his motorcycle.
His way back home feels like an eternity, parking in front of the porch, and almost jumping out from the top of it. The prospect is waiting close to the door, shrugging his shoulders to let him know that nothing has changed. You heard the door getting opened, turning your head over the pillow, watching him coming into the room. You would like to smile, as every time you see him, but it's like if your brain doesn't send the order to your lips. Lying down and embracing you over the mattress, filling your face with a bunch of kisses.
“I've missed you, mi vida”. He whispers onto your lips, before caressing them. “I took a day off, so I will be here with you the whole time”.
You can't help but sink your face under his chin, letting him hold you tightly. That's the only moment you feel somewhat better, knowing that he's not going to kick out your ass. Knowing that he loves you unconditionally.
“How was him?” You whisper.
“Fucked like you”. He just replies, kissing your head. “But I know that he's going to come today, you will see. I know it”.
He wasn't wrong. Actually, Canche is never wrong. You suddenly wake up because of the loud roar of an engine. It's coming closer, accentuating over others behind it. The bed is empty, and the room is almost in darkness. Rubbing your eyes with your knuckles, you get up from the mattress, guiding your steps to the living room as soon as you hear your boyfriend greeting your father. Sticking your head out the corner of the hallway, your eyes find him before anyone else there. He looks like shit. His beard is longer, scruffy. The two black marks under his eyes tell you that he hasn't slept much more than you.
Canche moves his head in silence, indicating the crew to leave the house, so you would have some intimacy and time alone. Bishop takes a step ahead, trying to reach you, trying to say something. But he can't. Doubting, he walks a little closer. Slowly. Hoping that you don't turn him down. Raising a hand towards your left, he holds it to push you into his arms. Surrounding your body, he hugs you with that kind of love and warmth that only your father can transmit you. All the sadness and the pain has gone. The fear of losing him, inside your chest, isn't oppressing it anymore.
“I'm sorry”. He says in a whisper, tightening his grip around you.
“Me too…”
“You don't have to, because you were right. This is my fault, mi princesa”.
He pulls himself away from you, enough to find your reddened eyes, about to cry again.
“I know you have to leave the nest, but I'm not ready. And I will never be. But if you have to do it, I'm good knowing that Canche is by your side”.
Leaning, your father kisses your forehead, pressing his lips on it for some long seconds.
“Just let me take care of you tonight, please”.
You just nod in silence. You couldn't say ‘no’. You need him, you didn't know it could be this hard to live without him. It's not the same when he's on a trip, than when he's just away from you. Closing your arms around him, you hide your face on his chest, like you used to do when you were a child waking up from a nightmare.
“I will always love you, pa'. No matter who else is in my life. I will always love you more than anyone”.
“I know, princesa. I do. And I will always do it”.
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145 notes · View notes
rpmemesbyarat · 3 years
Conversation
RP meme from Scream Queens Ep 6 "Seven Minutes in Hell" (Note: Offensive content, use at own discretion)
Everyone would immediately assume the killer is me.
Are you one of those idiot savants who's heavy on the idiot, light on the savant?
I am simply a victim of my times.
Are you aware your pants are on backwards?
Then whose fault is it?
I am never talking about anything ever again!
Yeah, super sorry about what happened down there.
Why are you laughing?
What about that fit you threw down there?
You're not mad at me?
Oh, I meant everything I said about you.
I still think you're useless. I'm just not sad about it.
You never, ever want to be the boss in a time of extreme crisis.
As soon as you become the boss, you get a target on your back, from the feds, the other families, ambitious underlings.
Sure, seems like you have all the power, but you also take on the most risk.
Oh, don't judge me for trying to stay alive.
Do not give an inch.
What's your game here?
I trust you about as far as I can throw you.
I know we don't know who the killer is, but we know it traces back to this house.
There are two things that always happen at a slumber party; someone experiments with lesbianism and secrets are revealed.
We can create situations and scenarios to really prime the pump.
We'll lock everybody up overnight, and we're bound to find out something.
A slumber party sounds fun.
Let's play spin the bottle.
Someone always goes lesbian.
We're playing spin the damn bottle.
Why spin the bottle?
That is not a nasty rumor. That is a true rumor.
So I propose a panty raid.
You taste like wax.
I guess we have to kiss.
You're a great kisser.
Was I interrupting you?
I was just practicing looking disinterested.
I'm pretty sure I was born without that part of the brain that actually feels stuff.
We have so much in common.
I'm starting to think we have something very important and specific in common.
My sex life up until this point is what you'd call unusual.
I think the only way to be sure of your feelings is if you let me gently rub your uterus right now.
When I love someone, it drives them insane.
Believe me when I say that if it was possible for me to feel anything I would totally be crying right now.
That doesn't seem healthy.
All the doors are locked solid. Windows, too. Upstairs and down.
I decided to have the whole house turned into a panic room.
But wait, doesn't that mean that there's some sort of switch somewhere to deactivate it?
I hate being trapped in small places.
There's only one reason why the killer would do something like this-- to pick us off one by one.
Guess it's just a matter of time before one of us or all of us ends up dead.
You have to help us.
Look, I'm prepared to say I'm sorry I did that.
What I'm not prepared to do is say the sex was bad.
Yeah. I'm not gonna apologize for that one.
I'm about to get murdered, so can you please just hang up and get over here?
How on earth are we supposed to get in if all the doors and windows are locked?
Dude, we climb up the ladder, break the windows upstairs, save all the girls, climb back down, then it's vagina city for all of us.
Why would you bomb-proof upstairs windows? For what, like, a flying bomb?
Don't be an idiot.
It's hero time.
Save me and I'm yours forever.
I'm not really sure I'm ready for that level of commitment.
Break the glass!
Stand back, fair maiden.
Give him the dignity of watching him die.
Someone in this house definitely knows who the killer is.
It's truth or dare time.
Whatever it takes to stop the douche that's trying to kill everybody.
I mean, do you ever just stop and ask yourself if we can actually pull this off?
Maybe we all just need to get out of here.
The best way to avoid a shark attack is to not go in the water.
We all have a crisis of faith sometimes.
Maybe you're hiding something.
I'd pick truth and then just lie.
If you want to lie, you can just pick dare.
That's the whole point of truth or dare. You can't lie.
Does your vagina have teeth?
I'm not lying.
My vagina doesn't have teeth.
Does your vagina still have teeth?
So it used to have teeth, but you got them removed?
So your vagina still has teeth.
Sounds like you're trapped in a web of lies.
You're forfeiting your turn, bitch.
Okay, I guess it's my turn, then.
You promised you wouldn't tell.
Sorry. I had to tell the truth.
Of course you're the killer.
I propose we take a little break, You know, take a whiz, get a refill.
You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever trusted you.
I wanted to talk about the other thing you said, about how you thought you had feelings for me.
The only feelings I have for you now are rage and pissed offedness.
Now go sit in that bathtub and think about what you've done. And try not to rub one out, okay?
Come on! I said I was sorry!
If anybody's down here, please don't jump out at me.
Is that blood?
Wait. If you're gonna kill me, at least show me who you are first.
I knew it. I knew it was you.
Please. You don't have to do this. I could help you.
There's never any food in there. Just laxatives.
I got the impression that you and I are on the verge of being the next "it" couple.
See, this is the problem with texting, you know? You can't hear the context.
Even though I decided to not wear a bra, you haven't been staring at my shirt raisins once.
Okay, look, I was waiting to talk to you about this 'cause secretly I was hoping you'd be killed and I wouldn't have to hurt your feelings.
I just don't think it would work out with us.
You're nuts, and not like a typical crazy-eyes co-ed, but wake-up-with-my penis-in-a-jar lunatic.
I love space mountain. Best ride at Disneyland. But I love my penis more.
Number one-- I never take second place. And number two-- I don't stop till I get what I want.
Was that salad spinner hitting on you?
I am super turned on from her, and I need some sweet release.
Is there any, like, Crisco or cooking oil here? Just, like, dry handies bum me out.
I propose we treat ourselves to a little heaven. Seven minutes in heaven.
Whatever your plan was, it isn't working.
Would you like to pat the little man in the canoe?
I want to take our relationship to the next level.
I want us to be together, but I want it to mean something.
I love boning girls all over this great land. But really, at the end of the day, I just kind of want to bone one girl. Like, that one special girl.
I just didn't think that girl was you. Because, obviously, there's so much wrong with you.
Will you get back together with me?
I would consider taking you back under one condition.
You have to pinky-pledge that you will be monogamous to me.
You will not have sex with anyone else. Do you understand me?
Dude, she looks like prepackaged meat from the supermarket.
Oh, god, has someone checked on the kids?
Pretty convenient that you're the one who found the body.
You're the darkest bitch of them all.
Those are some serious accusations, and they make no sense.
I would be opening myself up to a lot of trouble if I were to turn you in to the authorities.
It doesn't do any of us any good to start accusing each other with no evidence.
I suggest that we just have someone stand guard and watch me for the rest of the night, or until someone else dies, therefore proving that I am not the killer.
This feels so good.
I tried to scream, but nothing came out!
Interesting. That's all I'm gonna say. Interesting.
There is a trapdoor with, like, a tunnel system.
But wait, there are secret tunnels in this house perfect for a killer to use, and you neglected to tell us?
That's a little suspicious.
We are losing sight of the big picture here.
I'm not going down there. I do not dig on cobwebs, and I'm guessing there are loads of cobwebs down there.
If you get murdered in those tunnels, I promise I will never bang anyone harder than I banged you.
You're so rich and hot.
These are the nicest secret tunnels I've ever seen.
Wow. What amazing legacies they all have. What do you think ours will be?
If we can get through this year without everyone getting killed, I think we'll go down as the greatest of them all.
You came back for me.
Purely selfish.
You are probably the worst cop ever.
Wait, where are we going?
I won't go!
In three seconds, I'm gonna pick you up and carry you out of here.
I just kind of came over here because I farted over there and it smelled bad.
Wait, you're a lesbian?
Basically, I'm in love with love.
The next time I feel love for someone, I'm going to tell them. Right away. Just in case they're murdered before I can.
I just feel like I'm never gonna find a guy who likes me.
I'm a freak.
Nobody actually likes me.
You are totally gonna find another guy.
They're custom-made pink nunchaku.
Thank you for making that announcement that no one cared about.
No slumber party is finished without a kickass dance party.
This is so wonderfully random.
What a great way to pretend all these people we know weren't brutally murdered.
10 notes · View notes
bunnyhani · 5 years
Text
Crushes? What are those?
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Pairing: Reader x Lee Felix (Stray Kids) Platonic
Genre: Fluff and angst
Warnings: Mild language...? I guess that's all.
Summary: You're just a normal student with normal student struggles and concerns. But was questioning your sexuality just a common student concern or just yours? Thankfully your best friend is there to help you out.
----
Lately you've been feeling a bit stressed. School has been burning you out constantly and is definitely not showing any sings on stopping. All kinds of fun things kept pressing on you. (Note the sarcasm). It will pass, you reminded and huffed, gathering your stuff to go to the next class, even though you knew that the teacher's lecture would fall to deaf ears and the scribbles on the chalkboard wouldn't make any sense. At least you could pretend that they did.
The school bell rang, finally releasing you from that awful class that bore you to death. It was finally lunch time. You and your friendgroup quickly scrambled to the cafeteria, your jackets and backpacks hanging all over the place as you ran through the campus. Finally, you felt like you could breathe. A light smile tugged on your chapped lips as you thought that the school day would be over soon.
At the lunch table, you and your friends chatted on all kinds of stuff.
"Oh my god, did you see Jihoon? He's so hot!" Your friend, Dahae squelead, while not so subtly pointing at the said boy. Jihoon was too busy to notice it though. You silently thanked Gods for that. You weren't in the mood of looking at yout friend flailing her arms all over the place and embarras herself. Your other friend agreed Dahae's nonsense with a giggle. Usually it would've brought an easy smile to your lips, but not today.
"What do you think, Y/N? Which one is hotter, Jihoon or Minjun? Namseon is crazy and thinks that Minjun is hotter", Dahae said, while pointing at Namseon. You bit your lip and sighed.
"I...I don't know... I really don't think either of them are too attractive", you said, shifting in your seat uncomfortably and kept your eyes on the tray in front of you. Dahae gasped and shoved you a bit.
"Why are you so picky? Honestly what's wrong with you? I haven't seen you crush on anyone in years!" She exclaimed. You flinched a bit. That one hit a sore spot. You felt all sorts of thoughts and emotions crash on you. 'Is something wrong with me? Why haven't I liked anyone? What is wrong with me' you thought. After the insecurities and anxiety had had their turn of playing with you, anger seeped in. You clenched your fists and grinded your teeth.
"Why does it matter to you, who I like?" you seethed at Dahae. The girl flinched at your angry tone and stared at you.
"U-uh.. I was just wondering", the girl said.
"Well don't. It is not your business", you snapped back. Namseon butted in:
"Why are you so angry all of a sudden? What's wrong with you? You know she was just playing around." You moved your fiery gaze onto her.
"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? Assuming things about my love life and then making it sound like there is somethig wrong with me! Like I'm abnormal! Who cares about boys or whatever! You two keep acting like mindless children with crushes and you ask me what is wrong with me!" you hissed. Namseon and Dahae stared you in surprise, but you weren't able to feel sorry.
"Are you a lesbian?" Dahae blurted out dumbly. Something snapped inside you, tears started to flood into your eyes and making your field of vision blurry. Your whole body shook in anger.
"No! Why would you even ask that?" And with that, you stormed out of the cafeteria.
The rest of the school day, you didn't neccesesarily avoid your friend, you just didn't take them into your notice. You felt a bit sorry for blowing up on them so suddenly, but at the same time you didn't. The 'what's wrong with me' -questions continued to bother you through out the rest of the school day. Lectures seemed to last longer and you felt like screaming. The more you thought about Dahae and Namseon's words, the more you realized your differences between you and them. You hadn't liked anyone in years. Not a girl, not a boy or even a soul for that matter. What was going on? The school day ended and you left the campus, without looking back. You were thanful that the weekened was finally starting.
You didn't have any room to think about your friends really, not when your other friend finally had some time to spend with you. Lee Felix, your best friend, finally had a break in his busy schedule and was coming over to spend the weekend with you. Your heart jumped in delight in your chest, when you even thought of all the thing you could do together: catching up and talking about Stray Kids together, play some games and watch movies. To say that you were excited was an understatement. Little did you know, this night wasn't going to be just all giggles and rainbows.
The doorbell rang and you jumped up from your bed. You dashed to the hallway, stumbling roughly. You had definitely gotten up way too quickly, now your vision was filled with black dots, ears ringing and head pounding. You had to lean on the wall in hopes of support, until the light headedness would ease enough for you to move again, without the risk of falling to your face or walking into a wall. After you regained your vision, you catiously went to open the door for your best friend. Your heart was fluttering in excitement. You threw the door open briskly, smiling brightly at Felix's flustered self. After he recovered from the near heart attack experience, he too started to smile so beautifully and brightly that it could easily rival the sun's brightness.
"Hey!!" you exclaimed, not waiting any longer and basically crashing into his arms. He wheezed a bit, but still wrapped his arms around you gladly. You both were smiling dumbly, but neither of you didn't want to let go of each other. After some time, you did let go and walked into your apartment. Then you shifted your sparkling eyes to him:
"Tell me everything. How's life treating you?" you asked. Felix smiled affectionally at you and ruffled your hair. You couldn't bring yourself to even care, all what mattered now was that Felix was there with you. Talking with you, face to face. Interecting with you physically, not through the screen of your phone. You just smiled.
The night was finally arraving, the darkness settling in, but that didn't bother you or Felix. Not in the slightest. You had helped Felix unpack and talking about how he was doing. He was happy to talk and vent a bit, now to someone who wasn't part of the group and also wasn't in the indrustry. You could think that he would prefer talking about these things with someone who was in the music indrustry. But not this time, it was refreshing to have someone giving him new viewpoints and just... Rant. Also, you just always understood. You were quite empathic, you didn't need to be experiencing these things to know what Felix tried to express. You were quick to pick up on those little ques and quite frankly, you were an expert at reading people. And somehow, you knew your ways with words. In conclusion, you were easy to talk to. He couldn't be more greatful.
But the air changed, when Felix asked about your life. You were tense, quickly reminded about the drama, that went down in the cafeteria. You sighed and leaned your face onto your knees.
"Is everything okay?" Felix asked, voice filled with concern and his usually smiley face was now frowning. You bit your lip, weighing and thinking of each option. Should you really bother Felix with this? You, yourself, didn't know what was going on, so how were you supposed to explain anything. On the other hand, Felix might have an answer. But what if it was petty.
"I don't know, Felix", you said quietly, frustrated and desperate. Felix leaned closer to you on the sofa.
"I'll listen and you vent. Then let's try to find the problem and a possible solution for it", he suggested. You swallowed thickly. You panicked a bit. You knew it was stupid to even panic about this, it was Felix for god's sake! You have shared your weirdest 2am thoughts with him and talked about strangest topics possible and here you were, panicking about something stupid like this. It wasn't supposed to be bothering at all!
Thankfully Felix had become good at reading you. He saw how you were becoming more and more panicked and distressed. He then decided to grab you gently and pull you to his lap, hugging you close to his chest, knowing that you felt safer when you were held. Your head started to clear up slowly, as you dipped your head so that your nose was pressed against Felix's neck. You breathed his scent and held onto him.
"You're okay, Y/N", he whispered lowly, grip tightening on you. You nodded hastily against him and breathed out again. After some time, you finally pulled away. You looked at Felix with tired eyes. He held your hands tightly and nodded at you, encouraging you to talk.
"Lately... I've had these um... Weird thoughts", you started, voice tired but your cheeks were getting pink. Felix took a notice of them, but didn't point them out. He simply just waited for you to continue.
"I don't know how to else to put it, but... I'm so confused about my sexuality. I haven't liked anyone in years Felix! I haven't even thought of anyone in that way! Well... More like in any way! I just know that I don't mind the idea of being together with a girl, a boy or even a genderless person. But I don't know! I could be just thinking about it like it now. As if I didn't bother myself with those questions enough, my friends decided to... I don't know trying to figure out and judging my love life out of nowhere... Well, more like the lack of it.
They started acting like I was abnormal for not having a crush or finding some people attractive. Then they basically said that there was something wrong with me! I exploded on them... All Dahae could say at the end of it all 'are you a lesbian?' ",you ranted, chest heaving up and down as tears gathered in your eyes and finally falling. Sobs started to escape your mouth as you cried. It felt so good to finally share your thoughts, but you were still confused and a bit mad at your friend for assuming stuff. You leaned your head against Felix's chest and cried. He started rubbing your back comfortingly and started whispering sweet words of reassuarance and encouragment. He felt all kinds of emotions stirring inside of him. He was mad how insentive your friends had been and he was also worried. For how long had you been holding this all in?
After you calmed down enough, he started speaking softly to you:
"It's okay to be confused, not to know. You have your whole life ahead of you and most definitely have time to figure this all out. And I can bet on my life, that you also have time to accept yourself and perhaps fall in love. You've got all the time in the world." You sniffled and didn't say anything for a moment. Just let yourself think.
"Am I gay?" The question just slipped before you could stop it.
"You might be. You shouldn't take so much pressure of it though. Labeling yourself, I mean. These things will get resolved with time. Just let me know, when you do get a crush!" Felix said, smiling gently.You smiled tearfully and chuckled airily.
"When did you get so wise? I was supposed to be the wise one!" you laughed. Felix laughed as well and replied:
"I become extremely wise, when your brains stop working. Someone has to back the other up!" You jabbed him in the ribs. He groaned a bit and rubbed his side tenderly.
"No but seriously, I think we can both agree that we are both weird crackheads", Felix said.
"We just have our moments too", he continued. You smiled and nodded in agreement. When you two weren't acting like idiots, you did know how to serious. That just made you two special.
"You should make up with Dahae and Namseon too, you know."
"Shut up, dumbass. Just let me hug you in peace, thank you very much."
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xlonelyxdreamx · 5 years
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Please don't be assholes about people's fears
I've had Apiphobia, fear of bees, for all my life. I have a fear of anything looking like or sounding like a bee. Wasps? Terrified. Bumblebees? Spooked as hell. Big fucking fly that is too fat for its own good and that I only vaguely saw? Panic. You know how kids can be mean, right? When I was a wee lass, I didn't have any problems. Other 4/5/6 years old could somewhat relate... but then, everything changed when the fire nation attacked I entered elementary school. Kids would realise on the playground that bees would freak me out and would bring me close to tears... So, of course, they kept pretending there were bees around me... which would send me in a near catatonic state where fear paralyzed me. This kept happening at school until I was around 13 years old. Of course, children are not the only human beings who can be shitty about other people's fears! I was a scout. We had a girls only group, but we weren't girl scouts. We were all around 9 to 11 years old, we were wolf cubs. I'm from Canada, so I dunno if this is the same for other places, but that's the name group for our age range. We were at the summer camp, it was my first one in the group. We were in a log cabin and there was a beehive in a tree near the cabin. So, naturally, I was scared to go near the tree... The adults obviously caught on pretty quickly as to what was happening and decided to...'help me' overcome my silly fear. They forced me to stand under the tree, where many bees were flying around. It did not help. If anything: 1. It made me even more scared and 2. It made me see the adults as untrustworthy. If being subjected to all that wasn't enough, it doesn't even scratch the surface of how my family made me feel. At around 14 years, my Mum told me to get a summer job. I lived in a tiny village in a wooded area. We didn't have many places that would hire a 14 y.o. that looked like a 11 y.o. , I managed to find a farm that would pay me based on the amount of fruits I picked in the day. I was ready, my Mum drove me to the farm and left right after, so I was a kid surrounded by adults I didn't know and I was nervous fine. I wasn't fine when I saw fields of strawberries filled with bees. I tried to work as best as I could... but 15 mins in, from when I first arrived and I suffered from a panic attack. I was so scared I got physically sick. Being so scared, I feel ill is a regular thing in the summertime. My family keeps belittling me even now that I am an adult when they see me freaking out when I thought I saw or heard a bee. "It's just a bee." "You don't have to react like that.". I am 24 years old and bees still terrify me. It is not something I can control, it is not something I can wish away. It is not a silly fear, nor is it pathetic to me. It is a phobia, which overpowers my whole body and causes it to shut down. Just because it is something you personally aren't afraid of, doesn't give you the right to make light of it.
Tldr 1 : Some people have fears that will be considered weird or "not real", you have to respect the fact that not everybody is the same and that we all have our own fears.
Tldr 2 : don't be an asshole.
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Text
Content and trigger warnings for:
- eating disorder[s] (eds), i.e anorexia, bulimia
- me talking about my suicidal thoughts and venting (I'm ok i just need to like... "word vomit" i guess)
- abandonment by friends
- feeling repression
~~~\\
So i doubt most people on here who follow me know that I suffer from mental illness but I do and have for a very long time. All of the symptoms and effects really came out after my grandfather/best friend passed away when I was 11, 12 years ago. I fell into a hole of depression, anxiety, and disordered eating. From the time I was 11 until I was around 14 I had a very hard time with food. I was suffering from bulimia and I would do the routine binges and purges I had set for myself through the day. I'm surprised my teeth survived all of the stomich acid assaults on them honestly.
I was lonely. I felt so fucking alone in the world. I didn't have many friends. The friends I had were pretty fairweather at the time, as we were kids. They'd hop to the coolest person in their opinions on sight and leave me in the dust, and then come back when they were done, or something happened, whatever. It wasn't stable, and I was always afraid of just being deserted again. My friend who stuck with me, my grandfather, was gone. My grandmother was so in shambles that she doesnt even remember the year after he died at all. My mother is chronically ill, and even though she is and will always be there for me as long as is possible I just couldn't tell her how bad I was feeling. Maybe it was guilt because she has problems that I felt far outweighed mine (haha oh god there's the tears that actually stings).
And my dad is... well.. a dad. Sometimes dads just don't understand things like mental illness, or being an unwell person. My dad loves me. I know that, and I love him a lot too. But he can't understand how these things affect me as he's basically neurotypical in every way. He tries. But I can't find empathy there, and a lot of the time there's misunderstanding when we talk about mental illness. So I didn't tell him anything then either.
I would stay in my room a lot, or be out in the woods a lot. I would scratch up my arms with my nails until they would bleed and I would cry. I felt like I didn't care if I died at that time. My parents raised me religiously in the church and I tried very hard to have a relationship with their concept of a god. But I couldn't because to me in was just emptiness. For me, in that sense, there is nothing there. So my loneliness was running even deeper than just the physical. It was spiritual as well. And idk if anyone reading this has experienced spiritual emptiness, or even is a spiritual person, but please believe me when I say it's Hell.
When I was 14 I rode my bicycle out to a bridge near my home out in the back woods type country. The old train bridge kind with the big cement blocks at the bottom of the pillars holding them up. I remember sitting on the very edge of it just looking down at the cement. I really wanted to jump. Honestly the only reason I didn't was because of my mom. She's the reason I stepped back, got on my bicycle and rode home. Albeit I was crying the whole way home, stayed out in the garden to finish crying, washed my face in the creek and went inside and straight upstairs to my bed and I slept until the next day.
When I was around the end of being 14 I tried repression. I started trying eating normally (which has wrecked me internally, I have major digestive problems as I've always refused to go to a rehab centre, which in itself is not good for me). I started pretending to have a relationship with "God". I tried the whole "cool hip Christian kid" spin from when I was that age until 17 or so. I pushed back my depression, my fears and anxieties and eds to see if I could be happy. And I pretended to be happy for a while. And I fooled a lot of people.
Things weren't by any means okay though. My school work was suffering as it always had, but since the work was harder it was also suffering harder. I picked up smoking cigarettes. I also picked up alcohol more and more. I dated a 21 year old and lost my virginity to him at 16, after much coaxing from him. That was an extremely bad 8 months.
My saving grace and my recharge at the time was a Bible camp I'd attend in the summers. I went for 12 years. Now that I think about it.. that camp was my only constant thing for a very long time. It was always there. And even when it wasn't camp time, the place was so close I could just go talk to the live in managers when I had questions. While my relationship with a god I don't believe in was strained and a facade, the people I met are amazing and have helped me a lot.
In fact, at that camp I spilled a lot of my struggles to my group of close friends. We were just a few girls, only 17 or so. But they had all been through things just as bad as me. Some so close it scared me. I felt accepted by those girls who are now beautiful strong women. So I opened the flood gates of what I had been through. All of my dark times and feelings, thoughts of dying and plans to do it, the bulimia and how it hurt my body, my 21 year old ex and what had happened to me, my struggles in school, my guilt towards my mother as her pregnancy with me put her in her wheelchair, my panic attacks and the anxiety that I'd felt for so long, my loneliness and my desperate want to not be alive. Basically just like, ALL of it. I don't really think that was a gate I could've closed even if I tried at that point. It was just a lot.
It took a while to talk about everything, and by the time I'd covered everything even more young folks like us had come over to sit. I was sobbing. My friends weren't very far behind either. Someone was rubbing my back and another person brought me tissues. I finished and everyone was kinda quiet and sad. One of my friends said "Hey can we all just kinda sit together and pray?" and I said that I thought that was a good idea. So we sat. And we just prayed. Even if they were words floating up to an empty space where I see no god, the solidarity that I felt with my friends and those around showing that they cared about me was overwhelming. I wasn't alone. I had friends. REAL friends who weren't looking for the next best thing. And I didn't feel as empty anymore. Knowing that I had people who genuinely cared for me and everything I'd been through and everything I was made me feel so much more worthy of living, it showed me I wasn't nothing.
A lot has happened since those dark times. I've had other dark times. Anorexia claimed me at 18 as a sufferer, and I still struggle with it to this day. I had a physically and emotionally abusive sociopathic partner in the Autumn of my 21st year. I had a whole 2 year ordeal with someone that I'm not even going to talk about, as this person and I have BOTH put it behind us and forgiven each other and are now friends. I alsp dropped out of high school in grade 11.
But I've had a LOT of light times. I started actively loving my body at 21, which was the first new constant in my life. I took action and got a breast reduction from G to C cup for my health at 18. I left the church and started understanding science better. The spiritualist in me called for more, so I delved into research on Paganism and Wicca. What I found was what I needed. It was the second new constant I needed. So now instead of 1, I had 2.
I live with my fiance now. He's someone who I was schoolmates with in highschool. After a few years of not keeping in touch, we hung out. We got close again. And after a few years we started dating. We've had bumpy patches. 1 break up due to his mental illness (again, it rears its ugly head). But that was short lived. And we are actively improving ourselves while being there for one another. Last March I asked him to marry me to which he said "Well, I was gonna ask you when we got our own place, so obviously yes." (I've dated a lot of people, so I am so happy that it was him I'm going to be with, no offense to any of the guys, girls and other folks I've been with and am friends with). He's my third constant.
I have so much more now than I ever dreamed I could in those dark times, friends.
Moral of the story is:
Friends come and go. But you'll find someone, or multiple people who will care about you enough to stick with you as much as you wanna stick with them.
Don't give up on yourself. You're gonna have a lot of bad times. Life happens and we can't do shit about it. But life also has a lot of really good times worth looking forward to and holding close to heart. You can love yourself no matter who you are or what you look like because you're more than a name or a number on a scale. You're a complex person with real feelings who is worthy of self love. And love from others too.
Pain sucks. Life can suck a whole fucking lot. So much you want it to end. But through all the struggle, the hurt and the mental illness, you still very much deserve a good life. If not more, because you're actively trying to enjoy being alive in a very hard time.
So yeah. Thanks for reading this. I just needed to talk. I felt like I was going to explode and my Instagram isn't really the place to put this.
Take care of yourselfs. Cherish yourself and your time here. Make the best of your situations as much as you can. Hold your loved ones close in mind and heart. And don't be afraid to talk.
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