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#yes you will pry buchanan out of my cold dead fingers
lettalady · 3 years
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The Long Journey Home
[ cause everything needs a comp page ]
E • warnings: canon typical violence, references to past trauma, PTSD, unprotected sex, explicit sex, semi-public sex, exhibitionism, breeding kink, angst, relationship drama
     Your home in Sokovia was destroyed when Ultron decided to make it ground zero for his attempted coup of the world. Everyone had lost someone – some more than most. You? The family you’d worked for had perished – save one. The rumors were that he’d been locked up for war crimes – that he’d used his family’s reach, and fortune, and found a way to wield the assassin known as The Winter Soldier.
    How is it that they happen to turn up in the same city at the same time, just when you’re starting to get your feet under you again? Madripoor is dangerous enough without the scent of blood in the water, seeping from old wounds that you’d thought had healed.
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[ Chapter 1: We carry the past with us, always ] [ Chapter 2: We chase after moments, and are caught by them too ] [ Chapter 3: We can’t drown our demons when they know how to swim ] [ Chapter 4: We might never ‘get over’, only ‘get through’ ] [ Chapter 5: We are all in hell facing different devils ] [ Chapter 6: We are all collateral damage in someone else’s war ] [ Chapter 7: We who have lost everything don’t fear death, we remember it ] [ Chapter 8: We are the result of every choice we make ] [ Chapter 9: We can’t go back and change the beginning ] [ Chapter 10: We build walls against all others ] [ Chapter 11: We don’t always get to say goodbye ] [ Chapter 12: We die so many times before our final breath ] [ Chapter 13: We are free to choose but not free of consequence ] [ Chapter 14: We are all in darkness looking for the light ] [ Chapter 15: We repeat what we don’t repair ] [ Chapter 16: We fight to hold on and we fight to let go ] [ Chapter 17: We exist in moments, nothing more ] [ Chapter 18: We cry mercy and listen for the echo in the silence ] [ Chapter 19: We are made of every moment that tried to break us ] [ Chapter 20: We don’t choose what stays with us, only how we carry it ] [ Chapter 21: We are full of wounds but still standing ] [ Chapter 22: We don’t believe, we only fear ] [ Chapter 23: We are, all of us, ghosts ] [ Chapter 24: We break, we fail, we relearn what we already knew ] [ Chapter 25: We destroy ourselves so others can’t ] [ Chapter 26: We live out our fears or learn to tame our demons ] [ Chapter 27: We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry ] [ Chapter 28: We stop looking for the monsters under our beds when we realize they’re living inside our heads ] [ Chapter 29: We convince ourselves we deserve even our worst moments ] [ Chapter 30: We hide our feelings, forgetting our eyes speak ]
As always -  [ find the story on   AO3  ||  Wattpad ]
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Every comp page needs to have a few AUs and oneshots, right? 
[ What If: The Good Doctor ]      ~1k words, complete [ What If: The die cast, a deal struck ]          ~2k words, complete [ What If: Goodbye ] ~280 words, complete [ What If: Return to Me ] ~1.3k words, complete [ What If: A Hidden Shard ] ~300 words, complete [ What If: Walker gets his way ] ~1.2k words, complete [ What If: The House of Zemo ] ~1.3k words, complete [ What If: Unexpected, My Heart ] ~2.3k words, complete [ What If: 505 ] ~1.4k words, complete [ What If: Broken Fingers, Broken Heart ] ~1.1k words, complete [ What If: All gods die ] ~690 words, complete [ What If: Auction ] ~730 words, complete [ What If: How about a drink ] ~560 words, complete [ What If: Counterspy ] ~200 words, complete [ What If: When I Go (I'm never coming back) ] ~670 words, complete [ What If: Fly fly little bird ] ~1180 words, complete [ What If: I Walk In Shadow ] ~2k words, complete [What If: Leap of faith ] ~1k words, complete [ What If* explicit edition*: Auction ] ~14k words, complete [ Heida Hatches a Plan ]     ~400 words, complete [ LJH: Who We Were Before ]    prequel     ~26k words, complete [ LJH: The Baron & The Dove ]  AU      ~47k words, complete [ LJH: Ghosts in the Mirror ]   AU oneshot - sequel to B&D     ~2.5k words, complete [ LJH: Sins of the Father ]   * upcoming AU sequel [ LJH: Privileges ]   * upcoming sequel
silk - 🔥 - nsfw headcanons prompt (a moment from the au - LJH:B&D)  ice  - 🔥 - nsfw headcanons prompt (a moment from LJH proper)  6 secrets - LJH edition Six (more) secrets - LJH edition birthday - word prompt challenge 2024 (a moment from LJH proper celebrating Bucky's 108th birthday)
Jonathan F Walker knows how to find trouble
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In case there were questions about the related LJH stories, sequels, prequels, and various branches...
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rhetoricalrogue · 3 years
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31 Days of Wayhaven, Day 30
Prompt: Night Rating: G Words: 1,804 Characters: Cameron Buchanan, Nicolo Morelli Summary: This is the fic, if it were a show, that would be titled The Boys Talk About Their Feelings.  AKA, Unit Delta (D for Demotion!) field missions are boring as hell. Note: The mention of a certain type of shapeshifting animal is a nod to the Wayhaven Writers Group and a certain Saturday book club reading.
For the @31daysofwayhaven event.
Stakeouts were usually the most boring thing Nicky could think of doing.  Nothing usually happened on them and he hated staying still in one place.  At least this time he was partnered up with his Commanding Agent so the company was good and he didn’t have to sit out in his car freezing his ass off alone.
“You think there’s going to be any movement?” he asked, taking a sip of his coffee.  Drinking wasn’t the wisest idea he had, seeing that he’ll have to go out and find a tree or nearby bush take a piss behind sometime within the next hour or so, but the coffee was hot and he needed something to keep him awake.  Napping while doing boring surveillance was a surefire way to make sure that something important did happen that he would unfortunately miss.
“Probably not.”  Cam relaxed in the driver’s seat and grabbed a snack sized bag of chips he’d packed.  Stakeouts always made him hungry and it was one of the few times that he liked to indulge in junk food and convenience store ready made meals, especially if Nicky was around.  It was funny, the man had serious Opinions, capital O and everything, when it came to restaurant food, but the two of them could tear up a 7-11 if left alone without adult supervision, namely Penny and Winona.  “Looks like this is another wasted evening.”
“I wouldn’t say that.”  Nicky raised the night vision goggles he had been messing with and pointed towards some people who were walking away from their car.  “I think that’s a drug deal.”
Cam, who had no need for night vision goggles, tracked Nicky’s finger and rolled his eyes.  “Nick, those are kids.  They look like they’re twelve.”
“Then they’re out past curfew.  We should sneak up and scare the hell out of them.”
Cam gave him a disbelieving look before opening his chip bag.  “I’m not going to scare a few kids just because they’re walking home in the dark.”
“Spoilsport.”
“You want to be the next cryptid creepypasta on Reddit or somewhere, be my guest.  This isn’t the sixteen hundreds where you just had to worry about being stabbed if these kids were carrying knives, Nicky.  Kids these days are probably carrying mace and knives and I for one do not wish to spend my evening cold and covered in pepper spray.”
Nicky caught Cam mumbling especially when I could be spending my evening someplace better under his breath.  “So, scaring a few juveniles is out of the picture and we both know that tonight’s another wild evening of sitting in the car watching these two were...were-” he turned to Cam.  “What sort of shapeshifters are they again?”
“Bears.  The husband and wife are on thin ice for apparently attacking a home intruder.  They shifted into bear form while attacking her because they were afraid for their children sleeping upstairs.”
Nicky ran a hand over his face.  “You’ve got to be kidding me.  We’re dealing with the case that some of the agents are dubbing the Goldilocks Affair?”
Cam sighed.  “Look, I didn’t name it.  I feel bad for them, they were just defending their home.”
“Yeah, but they could have beaned her upside the head with a bat, they didn’t have to practically claw her to death.  From what I heard, the Agency had to go in as a group of doctors to memory wipe her and make her believe that she was out jogging in the woods when she slipped and fell down a ravine.”
“How did they make her injuries look like she fell?  I saw the file report, there were definitely bite marks involved.”
“You got me, you know how I feel about the Agency when they start doing shady shit like this.”
Cam nodded, grabbing the binoculars on the dash and looking around the area.  He paused when he saw the husband stare out the window, his hand at the curtain.  “I can’t believe that these people think that we’re here as security, just in case the woman has friends who figure things out and want to retaliate.”  He gave a brief wave back when the man waved at them. 
Nicky dug in the plastic bag full of food and pulled out a waxed package.  Unwrapping it, he took a bite of the handheld fried pie inside, the chocolate filling seeping out from the edges.   “I guess it’s better than them being paranoid and knowing that we’re here to look into them to make sure they don’t start making a habit of eating people in the privacy of their own home.”  Nicky stretched his long legs in front of him and started tapping a wordless tune on the car’s console as he chewed.  “So, you and Penny, huh?”
Cam stiffened.  He was wondering how long it would take for Nicky to bring that up. It had been a few days since Cam had told Nicky of his and Penny’s relationship, and he was surprised that it took their friend this long to start to pry again. “Yes, me and Penny.  I thought we went over this already.”
Nicky grinned and playfully punched him in the arm.  “We went over the fact that you and her were an item, and the fact that you were going to be a prude and not tell me a single sex-related thing, but we never really went over how the two of you went from sighing and mooning over the other when you thought the other wasn’t looking to holding hands and leaving socks on doorknobs.”
He rolled his eyes.  “There’s not much to explain?  I asked her out to dinner and made it clear that I wasn’t asking her out as a friend.  She agreed and we spent the evening talking about how much we wanted our relationship to change.”
“That,” Nicky spat, flopping in his seat and leaning his head back dramatically against the headrest, “has got to be the most boring of how I met my girlfriend stories I’ve ever heard.  Where is the drama?  The emotion?  The sizzling lust that finally gets to ignite after years of longing?”
Cam laughed.  “Sorry to disappoint.”
“This is the worst.  Twenty years, I’ve waited for payoff to all the pining and this is what I get?  Disgusting.”
“Well, we can’t all be you, Nicky.  When are you going to tell me about you and your surprise wife?”  As if by magic, Nicky’s phone lit up with a text notification from Isabela.  
“Speak of the devil,” he murmured, swiping at his phone and giving the picture on his lock screen a fond smile before opening up their chat.  “I told her I’d be working tonight, but she was free to text.  Didn’t think that you would want to hear me whisper sweet nothings into my phone or else I would have said that it would have been okay for her to call me.”
“Thanks,” Cam deadpanned, finishing his chips and digging into the bag for the sandwich he’d bought.  “But Nicolo, are you actually okay with this?  I mean, the woman put a spell on you that won’t let you die, didn’t try to find you and made it impossible for you to find her when she was pregnant with your daughter, and from what you told us, stabbed you to death when you went to meet her.”
Nicky shrugged.  “We all have our flaws.”
“Nicky, she killed you.  You were dead on her kitchen floor.  If that’s not a red flag that this relationship is toxic, I don’t know what is.”
“And I’ve been dead in many other places over the course of my life, that isn’t new.”  Nicky had a faint smile on his face as he finished texting.  “This, Cameron.  This talking with a woman and slowly getting to know her instead of heavily flirting just to get into her bed for a brief fling?  This is new.”
“And what do you think about it?”
“I don’t know yet.  Part of me doesn’t want to put too much hope in this working out because I don’t want to be disappointed if the other shoe drops, but part of me does want this to work out.”  He lifted his phone as it vibrated with her reply.  “I’ve gotten to know my daughter, Cam.  Having a family wasn’t quite the first thing on my mind back when I was still alive.  I thought I had time to play around and be the romantic, but really I was just being a fool.  And I’ve continued to be the fool all these years because it was easier to fall back on that aspect of my life instead of growing up.”
Cam shook his head.  “Come on, Nicky, I think you’re not giving yourself enough credit.  You’ve been a fine asset to this unit and there’s no one else I’d trust to have my back than you.”
“Thanks, you don’t know how much that means to me.”  He looked at him.  “And you know that I trust you and our team with mine. You’re my brother, Cameron, even if I am older than you by a few centuries.”
“Family is important, and I hope that whatever happens with yours works out for you.”  He paused.  “But really, what do you think will happen between you and Isabela?  Will you ask her to come here?  Would you leave the Agency?”
“I don’t know.  You know how Facility life is, Cam.  She’s a witch who’s had her own space for centuries, she’d hate it here.”  Nicky laughed as he took another sip of his coffee.  “Then again, could you see me as a civilian?  I wouldn’t know what to do with myself, especially since I wouldn’t have the same salary to buy all the shiny new gadgets I can get my hands on here, not to mention having disposable income to get bespoke clothing whenever I feel like it.” 
“I’ve seen stranger things, though I’ve got to admit, seeing you in a day job?  That would be the weirdest sight of all.  What would you even do?”
“I could always be a food critic.”
Cam snorted, but hid the sound by opening up a can of soda.  “Well, whatever you decide to do, I’m sure that you would be brilliant at it.”  He eyed him.  “And don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not pushing you out of the unit either.  I would love to have you around forever.”
“An eternity watching werebear houses and making sure that little tea shops run by witches were up to code?”  Nicky drained his coffee cup and reached into the bag for an energy drink Winona would have had a conniption over if she’d been there to see him drink. .  “Count me in.”
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lettalady · 2 years
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The Long Journey Home Chapter 25: We destroy ourselves so others can’t
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     They’re your friends and believe in you. They want to be there for you, even if it’s impractical. Friends. Acquaintances. New people in your life that care. However you want to frame it, they're also Avengers. They have a job that demands their attention – battles to fight, people to save. Not that you’ve voiced those thoughts, not so soon after their offer to hang around the building if you want company. It helps to know that they want to be around, demands of the job be damned.
    Sam stays long enough to help with kitchen cleanup after breakfast. The obligations of the new mantle beckon, persistently buzzing as bacon and sausages sizzled. He claimed he wanted to be home by the end of the day, too, sleep in his own bed, but if the activity on his phone was any indication The Powers That Be had other plans. You don’t get the chance to ask where he’s staying, but then it’s not like Bucky’s got any additional space to put Sam up. That question sidles up to the queue and slides into place alongside why Sam’s phone was buzzing pretty much from the moment he walked in the door, but Bucky’s remained silent.
    And then Bucky is headed for the door as well – things to take care of . It’s code, swinging the pair of you back to the way things were in Riga just that quickly, a code used rather than speaking plainly. Things to do. Avenger things. Work things. Faith in you can go a long way but there are still things that can’t or won’t be shared. Considering your reaction to the things you saw on the news yesterday, the things stirred within – it stings but maybe you understand it, too.
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lettalady · 2 years
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The Long Journey Home Chapter 26: We live out our fears or learn to tame our demons
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     That deep scowl has lessened a little but Bucky remains a little distant, a little preoccupied, as the pair of you explore the areas nearby the amusement park that are linked by the boardwalk. He’s likely thinking of the promise he made to train you and how he’s going to go about it. Disarming him. The need for it. The fact that he’s worried that something could happen to make the training necessary is definitely something to discuss. Later. As tempting as it is to point out it might not matter, that it all depends on how long you stay at his apartment – stay in New York – you leave those things unspoken. 
     You end up with a little striped bag of items, mostly postcards gathered to start sending to your family. Bucky surprises you, picking a few out to purchase as well. Was it an act of solidarity so you wouldn’t be the only one shopping or does he have someone in mind to send them to?
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lettalady · 2 years
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The Long Journey Home Chapter 23: We are, all of us, ghosts
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     The building is barricaded and brightly lit in the images that you’re presented with on Bucky’s wall mounted flatscreen, or the structure is bathed in strobing lights. It’s night now but they’re trying to pretend that it's not with the massive lights set up to battle with the flashing lights of various emergency services teams. Lucky you, you’re getting to put eyes on the Manhattan headquarters for the GRC after all.
         You try keeping your attention fixed on the scrollbar at the bottom of the screen. Every channel is set up with similar shots, so you settle on one and settle in and try to remember how to breathe as you watch. Dynamic shots, Bucky might say -- if he were in his spot on the sofa, here, and not there in the middle of The Event unfolding. Please , let this night move forward, out of this moment. Let Sam and Bucky succeed. Let those in the radius of the clash between the super soldiers and those standing against them survive. Let this not be another Event to memorialize in the years to come.
         The respective reporters stand in the foreground with the building and barricades and various security presences framed behind. They motion, they nod and cast what are likely meant to be meaningful glances this way, or that. Every channel has nothing to say, nothing to add, while constantly saying something. The conflict. The super soldiers. Riga. Walker. The GRC. The Patch Act. What it’s like, this news being broadcast live, on scene, like every other network isn’t also there a few paces away delivering close to the same spiel.
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lettalady · 2 years
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The Long Journey Home Chapter 24: We break, we fail, we relearn what we already knew
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          After an evening listening to strangers speculate about refugees and sending them home, an evening spent staring at the Manhattan headquarters for the GRC, you know what waits once you stop listening to the sounds of the city, once you stop trying to memorize the bedroom ceiling. It won’t be the deep dark black that you always hope for and rarely get, an empty sleep allowed by exhaustion -- even though you are. Exhausted. Exhausted from sitting on the edge of the sofa, tense for any new bit of information the newscast might bring. Exhausted trying to fight the inevitable, trying to fight the bad that just keeps coming, returning to you again and again as though drawn back by a homing beacon you can’t find to turn off.
         Maybe the scarred landscape of your former home and the events that drove you from it are etched deep enough in your psyche that there is no escape. Regardless as to what is decided, if The Patch Act is enacted as is or amended, it doesn’t matter. You return, time and again, to your home country. The fact that you finally got to see the site of the headquarters? The place where the decision makers made those calls that could have helped, but didn’t…
          You could have tried insisting that the pair of you stay up longer. Talk longer. About anything. Pretend a little longer that it was normal that he’s sleeping on the sofa rather than in his own bed. That you’re here, living with him -- however much longer your refugee status allows it. You could have pushed to hear a little more about the events that went down in lower Manhattan, insisted on getting some sort of confirmation that Sam would stop by, that he, too, was ok. Whatever ok means these days.
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lettalady · 2 years
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The Long Journey Home Chapter 27: We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry
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     It was how much you missed Helmut and the things stirred by the letter. That’s all it was, right? That warmth that flooded through you that told you to take a breath and tip your head. Kiss Bucky. It was an urge brought into being by the suddenness of what had happened and the worn down state of your patience. It was something you hadn’t followed through on. You hadn’t had the chance to so much as think of tilting your head in that lack of space provided to attempt to draw Bucky’s mouth towards yours. He had blinked and stepped away, removed himself from the way his body framed yours – reacted before you’d really had time to process anything more than the collision that had slammed you into the kitchen appliance.
    That sudden breathless moment. You challenged him to stop holding back, to stop hiding the truth of those attributes he was trying to teach you about. Without actually seeing him in action there was no benefit to learning that simple sequence. Right?
    Now you know and… is there a benefit? If he’s right – if it’s a when and not if scenario – he’ll be close enough to do damage before you realize what’s happening. Knowing how to disarm him is a false comfort. It’s unlikely you’ll get the chance to attempt it.
    But he was trying to teach you anyway.
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lettalady · 2 years
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The Long Journey Home Chapter 22: We don’t believe, we only fear
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     Trouble is here now, in New York. It followed from Riga -- and Madripoor, before that. At this point it’s hard to say if trouble follows in your wake, or if you are following it. It’s wound around you just like that thistle that is twisted up within the darkness that dominates your internal landscape. 
     Bucky’s going to meet Sam. This is what they do. He’s a super soldier and Sam can fly. That knowledge does nothing to stop you from worrying. 
     Something’s going down. I’m meeting Sam. Stay here. Stay safe. 
     Safe. That word again that everyone around you seemed to like to say so much. That promise nobody is capable of keeping.
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lettalady · 3 years
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The Long Journey Home Chapter 17: We exist in moments, nothing more
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     Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. On your back. On your side. Buried under blankets or only using the sheet. You can’t get comfortable. It’s not simply the bedroom door being shut, or having someone else in the apartment. Shutting the door made the most sense in terms of allowing privacy, and who manages to sleep soundly with the door open anyway? Not that you’re sleeping. Bucky’s already been subjected to being startled from sleep by your reactions to your nightmares. You’d rather not have a repeat of that night in Riga, particularly so soon after the tentative decision to accept his offer of sharing the space. He’ll be called away for Avenging sooner or later. The only question is if it will happen before you collapse into the empty sleep of exhaustion, or have another rude awakening in response to your dreams. 
     It’s early when you give up, and get up. You don’t bother checking the time because what does it really matter? It’s not like you have a schedule to keep. Whatever odd routine you’ve got in place with Heida doesn’t count. You don’t have a job -- because, well, that job in Madripoor probably was contingent upon living in Madripoor -- and at this point, not hearing from them is a pretty clear sign that being shuffled off on your former employer was the voiding of whatever loose contract that had been established. No job means no income, no income means no way to pay Bucky back, not that he’s asking. But there’s a continued demand regarding the cost of living. You need to find a solution. Eventually. 
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lettalady · 2 years
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The Long Journey Home Chapter 21: We are full of wounds but still standing
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    Through the years you’ve tried just about every method you could think of to try to successfully find, or avoid, sleep. Somehow distraction by way of movie-marathon had never occurred to you. As dawn arrives you realize -- you’re hooked. Groaning over horrible scene cuts, hiding your face and peering through your fingers at the ick that is over-the-top or so incredibly fake you can’t keep watching for fear it’ll send you to fits of laughter, laughing right along with the man pointing out plot holes large enough for a tank to roll through. It’s fantastic. When the scenery stirs something dark within you he’s just as quick to offer up a random bit of trivia to pull you out of the moment.
    And then you realize: Enhanced. Better than average. Better than most.
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lettalady · 3 years
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The Long Journey Home
Chapter 4: We might never ‘get over’, only ‘get through’
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     There is a peace that comes in the early hours of the morning that rarely occurs any other time of day – when most of the world is sleeping, though few are always up going about their business. It was early when you were left alone in the room you’d been escorted to, when you struggled out of your slacks and tucked into the strange bed to attempt something akin to sleep. Something told you not to fully undress, but to keep the slacks and the shoes you’d traded for your own close at hand. It’s better to be prepared in case you need to be up and ready to move quickly.
      Moving from place to place, from refugee camps to the hole in the wall you’re trying to call home here in Madripoor, you’ve gotten used to laying awake staring at whatever qualified as a roof over your head and calling that ‘rest’. You’ve reasoned it’s the better choice than waking anyone within earshot with your reactions to the nightmares trapped in your head.
     The painkillers Sami the medic gave you have made the room hazy, blending the shadows springing from the corners with the memories of Before pushing for acknowledgement. At one point you’re sure you see your former employer standing in the half-opened doorway, soft light from the hallway beyond framing his features. It’s the first dream from Before that hasn’t instantly woken you to sob quietly or shake in a bed drenched with sweat.
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lettalady · 3 years
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The Long Journey Home Chapter 19: We are made of every moment that tried to break us
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    In Riga it hadn’t seemed to matter to him if his metal arm was visible or covered. Maybe, though, that was a byproduct of his attention being focused on the next argument with Sam and trying not to cave to Helmut’s continued attempts to provoke him.
    As soon as the thought occurs, you backtrack. Your first encounter with Bucky in Madripoor was an instance of having his metal arm on full display. But then on the flight out… even as preoccupied as you were at the time you clearly remember him acting much the same way he has been all day walking around Brooklyn: very carefully keeping the dark metal hidden from view. Now that you’re trying to focus on it you can’t quite settle on a memory, one way or the other, from the series of days spent in Riga. In the residence you half-remember moments of him having his arm uncovered, but then you also might remember times when he was dressed much the same way he is now with a sleeve keeping his arm hidden. Much like Helmut, didn’t he sometimes wear gloves?
    Why would it matter one location and not another? Why would it matter one moment and not the next?
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lettalady · 3 years
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The Long Journey Home Chapter 14: We are all in darkness looking for the light
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     Torres spends the first few hours of the flight switching between frowning at your phone and frowning at the device he has it connected to. After announcing with chipper delight that you were - all set - he’d handed it back to you, promptly stowing his device and the associated cords before stretching back in his seat and falling asleep. It’s a marvel, considering how very LOUD it is.
    Rather than taking a standard airline and various connections for the journey from Riga to New York, the three of you had been escorted to a waiting military plane. It was barely noon when you’d taken off. Both Sam and Torres had assured you that you’d get used to the drone of the plane’s engines, possibly even to the point of ignoring it before the flight was over. You -- highly doubt that.
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lettalady · 3 years
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The Long Journey Home Chapter 18: We cry mercy and listen for the echo in the silence
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         You follow Bucky’s lead down towards the building entrance and wonder -- what must his watchers make of this new arrangement? They’ve probably been informed of your presence. Nobody’s come knocking asking questions, at least that you’re aware. Back in Riga Bucky had told you that it was just that they watched the place, that there wasn’t a presence in the building. That you’d have space. Peace. Quiet. You wouldn’t be bothered. You’d be safe. 
     Space, yes, there was plenty of that. Peace? Quiet? That’s debatable, though it’s mostly your own doing. Your internal space is anything but quiet and peaceful. Try as you might you haven’t been able to find your way back to the spot within that allowed you to keep a comfortable distance between yourself and the world. Chalk it up to very persistent neighbors. Safe. That might just be a byproduct of not being around Sam, Bucky, and Helmut. They each seemed to attract trouble, and the three of them together...
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lettalady · 3 years
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The Long Journey Home Chapter 15: We repeat what we don’t repair
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     You wake to the sound of knocking on the apartment door. It’s morning? It’s morning. You’ve slept without dreaming — exhaustion, and likely a little jet lag — catching up to you. It was a deep, dark, nothingness. Empty of the good and the bad. It is a blessing, yes, but it clings to you, refusing to be shaken off. Groggy and still in yesterday’s clothes, you stumble through the apartment to answer the door.
    Bucky’s across-the-hall neighbor holds out a covered dish partially wrapped in a towel. Hannah? Hilda? Helga? Helmut — his name echoes within you, making you waiver on your feet. No. That’s the remnants of empty sleep making you unsteady, calling you back to unconsciousness. It’s not that you miss your former employer. The intonation of his displeasure, the tinge of delight that would accompany a private smile that --
    No. You shake your head to try to clear the pang of loss, not that the action has much effect. There is no escaping this hollowed out feeling stretching to consume you from the inside out.
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lettalady · 3 years
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The Long Journey Home Chapter 8: We are the result of every choice we make
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          You wake to the motion of the bed shifting beneath you. Morning already. You settle more firmly on your stomach, closing your eyes to the reality of morning’s arrival. You can hear it – the sounds of a city slowly waking, additional noises of people and machinery and the surrounding building starting to stir.
          The man beside you exhales, the mattress dipping again as he shifts to press his body into yours, gathering you into his arms. One of his hands starts to burrow into the blankets wrapping you like a cocoon. “Wake up,” there is a smile in his voice, breaking the kiss that he lands on the back of your neck, “or I will do the waking.”
          Is that a threat or a temptation he’s offering? It sounds just as dangerous as it does promising. This is payback for waking him up to argue a few hours ago. Or playfulness to help you banish the darkness and face the day. You’re having trouble figuring out which.
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