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ordinalastronaut · 24 days

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From Now Until Forever

a/n : a little something I've had in the drafts for too long. Do I have other chapters? yes. Do the other chapters involve a dog? also yes. Will they be posted? no clue.

summary : Maria is trying to figure out how to live after a life changing injury. Natasha is there to help.

Other tags: established blackhill, mentions of injury/scars, self doubt, SHIELD agents still are as dumb as rocks, everyone looking to Maria for help

word count : 2.7k

❖𐅡❖𐅡❖𐅡❖𐅡❖𐅡❖𐅡❖𐅡❖𐅡❖𐅡❖𐅡❖𐅡❖𐅡❖𐅡❖𐅡❖𐅡❖𐅡❖

“No, I don’t want-” she sighed, looking up at the redhead who gave a slow, understanding frown.

“It’s not if you want it or not, Ria, it’s what you need,” Natasha outreached her hand once more to offer support, both emotional and physical.

Maria took another breath and glanced around the gym, it was early enough for only a few onlookers, but still too many. She shook her head once more and braced herself on her palms before pulling one leg up painfully, then the second with a little less pain, and smothering a wince as she finally stood up to her full height.

“See,” she tried not to sound too out of breath, “I’m fine.”

Natasha nodded once and went back to her own weights section, knowing Maria wouldn’t have this conversation right now. The brunette took the curl bar in her hands once more and began the set from the top, being more careful this time. And the next time. And the time after that. She would just have to be more careful.

It was the same thing she would berate herself after every fall she had for the last 6 months. Six months of desk work rather than missions with her team, 6 months of giving orders in the control room rather than boots on the ground, knocking down doors, and acing mission directives.

She missed it, she had been great at her job but the universe had other plans for her and decided to nudge her in the form of well-timed enemy fire and a 100-foot fall from a helicopter. It left her physically and mentally scarred with the right side of her body spasming at seemingly random times and a well-earned fear of heights.

She braced her core and pushed the memory aside, focusing on the burn of her bicep and the number of reps she had left. It was another 30 minutes (all without incident) before she and Natasha walked out of the gym and to their car.

“I think it’s a conversation we need to have again,” the redhead turned the engine over, opting not to look at the woman in the passenger seat.

“How would the cane have helped me in that situation?” she willed her fingers still and buckled the seatbelt after a moment.

“I’m not saying it would have, I’m saying with all of the work that you’re putting in at PT, you don’t… you don’t want to lose that because you had an accident at the gym,” Natasha chose her words carefully.

Maria decided not to respond as they drove back to their shared townhouse in the suburbs of DC. It was the first purchase they made after the wedding just over a year ago. It was three stories of unadulterated home.

“Hey!” Phil smiled as he locked the door to his own townhouse, the one that shared a wall with their own.

“You headed in already?” Natasha asked as she unlocked the front door.

It was a motion that left Maria with more jealousy than she liked to admit now that her hands shook at inopportune times. Times like when she was racing to get through the door and into the bathroom after a long day.

“Early bird and all,” Coulson shrugged.

“May gets back from her mission today,” Maria translated to her wife.

The redhead only hummed in response as she walked through the front door.

“Still want to grill tomorrow?” the brunette leaned against the railing of their porch.

It was warming up to be a wonderful summer, something that had kept Maria going while she was recovering from the accident. Her physical therapist had promised her to be back behind the grill by the time the weather was nice.

“Yeah, I’ll pick up the steaks after work,” Phil smiled broadly.

“Grab burgers instead!” Natasha called from the top of the staircase where she had already pulled off most of her sweaty gym clothes.

“Oh- right-” a flush of pink covered the man's pale features, “duh.”

The use of knives and forks simultaneously was still up for debate according to Maria’s hands and as much as she resented it, she knew Natasha’s suggestion was the right move.

“Thanks,” she muttered and began closing the door, “see ya.”

“Bye Ria,” Phil gave a wave and walked towards the shared driveway.

She waited until Lola roared to life to ascend the stairs, knowing Natasha would already be in the shower by the time she struggled to take off her own clothes. Sure enough, the sound of the shower hit her ears as she got to the landing. From there she twisted and turned, trying her best and biting back yelps of pain as she pulled each too-tight piece of fabric off her body. By the time she walked into the bathroom, she felt like she had just finished her second workout of the day.

“Warmed it up for ya,” Natasha winked as she exited the shower.

“Thanks,” Maria tried not to sound out of breath as she pecked the woman on the lips.

The way the warm water hit her body felt sinful. Slowly, tight knots unwound and she felt more like her old self as her body cooperated better with her. If she didn’t look down at the angry scars that riddled most of her right side, if she didn’t think about the accident, she could almost feel like it had all been a bad dream.

Of course, it hadn’t been a bad dream, it had been a day etched into her mind as reality.

She blew out a breath and carefully buttoned each button of her shirt, making sure that all were fastened properly before walking downstairs and sitting on the couch. As much as she resented no longer being able to pull her hair back perfectly, she relished the time she was able to spend with Natasha every morning while she did it for her.

“One day, you should let me have fun with it,” the Russian spoke from where she stood behind Maria, the brush moving easily through her hair.

“One day, I’m going to shave it all off,” the brunette teased.

“If anyone could pull it off, it’d be you,” the Russian planted a kiss on top of Maria’s head.

The two continued to get ready, Maria counting the morning (other than the fall) a success as she only fumbled while eating her eggs once.

“I swear it’s like they are trying to keep me from taking these,” she pressed down on the lid of the pill bottle once more and sighed as finally she was able to retrieve the tablets.

Natasha just shook her head and smiled.

The woman had been a godsend after the accident (and before it if Maria was being honest with herself). She had stopped going on missions for the first 3 months as Maria was in and out of surgeries and appointments. After that, she had only gone on one and it was because the brunette had begged her to return to work, worried that Clint would go stir-crazy if he was grounded without his partner for any longer.

Natasha cared for and loved Maria on days when the woman couldn’t open her eyes because of pain, and on days when she had locked herself away either due to the memory of the incident, or the realization that her life would never be the same. Every day the Russian showed up, and every day Maria appreciated her more. She didn’t pity Maria, she didn’t make her feel like something broken, she only helped her in the ways she could.

“Are you still on the power surge case?” The Commander popped the pills into her mouth and washed them down with a sip of coffee.

“Yeah, but Coulson said we might hand it off now that it looks like it needs more manpower,” Natasha reached over and took a sip of Maria’s beverage.

“What team?” She prodded.

“Don’t know,” the redhead shrugged.

“Bullshit,” Maria called without any real hint on if the spy was lying or not.

Still, she wanted to know if the case was going to be pushed to her old team. She had read the overview of the mission and it sounded right up their alley.

“Really,” Natasha shook her head, “now let’s go.”

That was all the tell Maria needed to know that it was indeed going to be pushed to her old team. Natasha never instigated their leave in the morning, if it was up to her they would roll up to the gates 10 minutes late every day.

The brunette didn’t push it and stood to her full height, wincing as her leg protested after being in the same position for the better part of an hour.

“Let me drive,” she instead smiled knowing damn well she wasn’t healed enough to drive Natasha’s Corvette.

“Not a chance,” the Russian laughed airy and bright as she grabbed her bag and the keys by the front door.

“One of these days,” Maria whispered as she pulled on her own bag and headed out the door.

As with most days, the brunette worked in her office only for a handful of hours before she was called into the control room to take command of a mission gone wrong. This time in the form of a squad infiltrating a trafficking ring that was much more active than originally assumed. The situation took hours.

Her hands were the first to go, shaking and spasming as she directed the team in front of her as hour two set in. She clenched them tightly and pushed off the feeling of pins and needles. By the time hour four passed, her legs were little more than bones keeping her upright. She favored her left heavily as the last of the agents made it to the extraction point.

“Great job team,” she spoke into the headset and to the people around her, “Ruiz go ahead and take over for evac.”

She turned, moving her body slowly as pain flared along the entire right side and into the left. The three stairs in front of her looked more like mountains to climb as she approached them. The first took a matter of seconds to ascend, the second a little longer. Frustrated by the speed she tried to take the third a little more quickly.

Her body, however, did not want to take it any faster and as pain shot up her leg, her foot clipped the top step and Maria Hill fell to the ground. The exhaustion of the day had taken its toll on not just her legs, but her arms as well and she was unable to stop her body from falling full force onto its side.

Agents were around her immediately, all of them talking quickly and offering hands. Her embarrassment was prominent as a blush covered her cheeks.

“I’m fine,” she tried to shoo them away, “I’m fine I just-”

“Commander Hill, here,” one agent called out.

“I can go get Coulson,” another offered.

Over and over they tried to help her but it was just an annoying buzz to the brunette whose body spasmed and felt every ridge and groove in the ground.

“Just give me a second!” she barked out as tears from pain started to form.

“Move.”

Fury’s voice was enough to send each and every junior agent scurrying away. Maria didn’t look at him as he crouched down next to her, leather and aftershave wafting off of him.

“Can you stand?” his voice was low and she gave a hesitant nod, “Let me help you.”

She didn’t protest as he used his arms to help her stand, bracing her body against his.

They walked, slowly, in silence until they got to his office door. He scanned his finger, then his eye, and waited for the locks to disengage.

“Here,” he helped her walk to his couch, dropping her softly on the cushions.

She used her left hand to massage open her right, unclenching her jaw and taking a sip of the water Fury offered her as soon as she could. Maria sat back on the couch, letting her head hit the wall behind her as she regained composure.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly, trying to keep the emotion she felt out of her voice.

“Don’t go down this path. Not again,” he huffed from where he sat at his desk, “I don’t want you to apologize for falling, I don’t want you to offer your resignation, I don’t want you to tell me how much of a risk you think you are.”

“Nick-” she started.

“I mean it, Maria,” the Director fixed her with a stare, “you’re still my right hand, even if your own doesn’t work in the way it used to.”

She continued to massage her hand into cooperation.

“It’s after five. You want me to call Coulson or Romanoff?” Fury asked as he picked up his desk phone.

“Romanoff,” Maria answered as she finally regained control of both hands.

Ten minutes later, there were two quick knocks followed by a third.

“Yeah,” Fury called for the Russian to enter.

“Hey,” Natasha greeted them both, her bag and Maria’s already over her shoulder.

“Have a good weekend,” the man dismissed them both, “ice your ankle and your shoulder Hill.”

Maria waved him off and offered to take the extra bag from her girlfriend who batted her hand away. Neither of them talked on their way back into the garage, both knew that Maria wouldn’t answer any questions until she was in the promised safety of the car or better yet, their home.

“Did you see their changing the hours of the range?” Maria asked as they got into the car.

It was the not-so-subtle way of her telling Natasha she wouldn’t talk about what happened until they were home.

“Clint complained for 30 minutes straight before I reminded him that we don’t even use that range,” the Russian scoffed and climbed into her car.

“Sounds about right,” Maria shook her head and reached over her body to use her left arm to buckle herself in.

They were barely in the front door before Maria leaned heavily onto Natasha as the redhead carried them both into the living room. The Commander sucked in a breath as her body finally found the rest it had been seeking for 6 hours. She wiped at the tears streaming down her face angrily as Natasha left for a moment, only to return with two ice packs.

“Spasm or fall?” her low voice was quiet from where she knelt in front of her wife.

“Fall,” Maria confirmed.

Natasha hummed in understanding, gingerly placing the two packs on where the brunette winced the most in pain. She took the pad of her thumb and softly brushed away the tears that still trailed down the woman’s face.

“It was a hard day,” the redhead said softly, “it’s okay to have hard days, Masha.”

Maria tilted her head back until it rested on the back of the couch, hoping the tears would subside if her face was no longer vertical.

They didn’t.

“I can’t do this forever,” she spoke barely above a whisper, “I can’t keep living like this. Every day I’m afraid I’m going to fall and that I won’t-”

She shook her head as her voice broke.

“It’s only been 6 months, my love, things will get better,” the Russian ran a warm, calloused hand over her arm.

“What if they don’t? What if this is my life?” new tears welled in her eyes.

“Then we will find ways to make it easier, together,” Natasha promised her.

“I don’t deserve you,” she tilted her head to look at the woman next to her.

“I know,” the Russian joked as she planted a kiss on her wife’s cheek, “now, what are we having for dinner?”

Maria took a deep breath, sat up straight, and watched as Natasha sauntered into their kitchen. She was right, no matter if she continued to struggle with her injuries for a month or a lifetime they would work through it. Together.

#blackhill #maria hill #natasha romanoff #marvel #phil coulson #nick fury #Natasha Romanoff is a good wife #yes you read that correctly #wife

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thefloatingstone · 10 months

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Remembered this song from a boss fight early on in NieR Automata, during which a cult of robots had come together to pantomime the concept of religion. (the robots in the game are all trying to strive for a sense of purpose in being alive by mimicking behaviour of humans who have by now gone extinct but there's not enough time to go into all of that here).

And this cult of robots come to the conclusion that their version of gods if they follow the human translation of the word is "the creator" which to them are organic beings. And so if they are pantomiming religion in an effort to find purpose in being alive, then through the practice of religion you are supposed to ascend to a higher state of being equal to that of the gods.

And so, if you are a robot and your creator is an organic being, what is it that separates you from your creator? That is of course the realities of being an organic being, and being tied to the reality that being organic means having to die one day.

And so this robot cult comes to the conclusion that to ascend to a higher state of being is to become as gods, and for a robot to become as a god, their creator, is to ascend to that of organic being, and to do so is to embrace what separates machine from organic which is death.

And therefore, to die is to become god.

And then they all attack you and this song plays called "become as gods". Which includes the robot cult chant of "We'll all die together and become as gods" while the choir chants in the fictional language of the NieR series which is its OWN separate dump of lore, but which is roughly labelled and understood as "The language of the gods". That being a weird translation of the GATTACA code which makes up human DNA.

....

NieR Automata is a good game. It's one of only 2 games that managed to make me bawl my eyes out at the end. Not for a story reason, but for how the game directly connects you with every other human being who has played the exact same game and the concept of sacrifice to help another in ways I don't want to spoil because if you've never played and finished the true ending of NieR Automata there is nothing in this world that will prepare you for its ending and I would not dare to spoil that for you.

Anyway I rambled a lot but it was needed to explain the full force of this song for you to understand why it's not only a banger but a banger with some deep fucking WEIGHT behind it.

(btw this is genuinely unrelated I just remembered at time of post it's the Steam Summer Sale and Nier Automata is 50% off right now but that was not the point of this post)

#NieR Automata #music #Video games #this game fucking ruined me #I finished it in 2020 I think???#I'm still not over how it tore me apart emotionally #I'll probably never be over it #Also yes these are the kinds of video games I play between this and Mass Effect's lore #which is legit big enough to be sold as a book #I plan to print and hand bind a Mass Effect book comprised of the codex actually skdkjshjakdhas #Also yes ancient language of the gods that is actually the GATTACA code you read that correctly #the NieR games are WILD #Also Nier (not Automata) is the only game I know of with an intersex main character

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