#yes i'm an alter

[magnusbae]

Obsessed with how Obi-Wan calls Anakin right after having a conference call with the other Jedi Masters because the moment Anakin said he'll do as 'instructed' Obi-Wan knew with absolute confidence that the little shit will most certainly not do as instructed

#Why‚ yes‚ I did start watching The Clone Wars for my very first time~ #The Clone Wars #Star Wars The Clone Wars #Anakin Skywalker #Obikin #Obi Wan Kenobi #Obi-Wan Kenobi #ahsoka tano #ahsoka #anakin #star wars #i seriously LOVe this for them Obi-Wan really didn't even bother being mad he just immediately asked Anakin if he was successful #i'm not very good with video altering this is my second video ever but i had to try for the cause esgveb #buns.all #buns.edits #userjasmine #obi wan

[slugcatmusings]

What is the Rot? Why is the Rot?

Spoiler Warning and Holy Wall of Text Batman Warning. I got WAY too into questioning the turbo-cancer here, hopefully my rambling makes sense.

So, the Rot is… weird, from a biological standpoint. Really weird, if you stop to think about it. It’s most frequently described as some variation of cancer, and it certainly fits the criteria for it. Caused by damage to DNA? Check. Multiplies uncontrollably? Check. Comes in both benign and malignant forms, one stationary and the other mobile? Big fat check. Heck, even the Rot cysts eating other creatures kind of fits, according to some research I’ve done – there are apparently cancer cells that will eat other cells, which makes sense in hindsight since cancer cells are cells that have lost important genetic restrictions, which may include whatever lets cells identify other cells as “do not eat.”

(I ain’t a biology whiz and I’m doing research on the fly while getting my thoughts out here, so take whatever I say about biology with a grain of salt)

So, Rot is clearly cancer of some kind, right? Case closed. Except when me and a friend of mine were talking Rain World theories on Discord, she brought up some interesting points that got me thinking.

First point: Rot cells obviously mutate in a way that affects FAR more than just cell replication and termination. Some of the cysts can HEAR. As far as I know, cells in the body do not hear sounds. They communicate via chemical signals and maybe, MAYBE react to temperature. Hearing involves complicated, specialized sensory apparatus to pick up on vibrations in the air. Even if you simplify it and say that it’s only vibrations, that’s STILL a multicellular thing, not a single-cell thing. It’s something that took millions of years to evolve on Earth, if not billions.

And while Rain World’s timeline goes on for long enough that it those kinds of mutations might happen eventually, Rot cysts have the ability to hear pretty much right from the start – because even the Proto-Long-Legs react to your presence like the Daddy Long Legs do, and the Rot in Spearmaster’s campaign, where Pebbles has recently contracted it, reacts the same way as it does in later campaigns. It’s already able to hear.

As far as I know, cancer just means the same cell duplicating over and over again. Are more mutations possible with each division, as errors are made in the DNA during splitting? Probably. But not to THAT extent. There’s no way a lump of cancer somehow mutated the exact complicated genetic blueprint needed to grow organs, at least not without outside interference.

Second point: Cases of Rot are way too consistent across the board. Now, we don’t have a huge sample size to work from, but from what we see from both Pebbles’ Rot, and Hunter Long Legs, they’re… pretty similar. Hunter Long Legs is basically a mobile Rot cyst. They move the same way, seem to grow the same way (starts as a growth inside/on the body before eventually freeing itself from whatever wall/flesh it grew from in some capacity and moving elsewhere), they have the same senses, and they even eat the same way, via something like phagocytosis (how white blood cells “eat” invading organisms via engulfing them and breaking them down in a sac in their main “body.”)

Now, this doesn’t tell us much, because cancer, when it does emerge, is pretty consistent in symptoms/what the mutated cells do once they start replicating. It’s pretty much the same regardless of whatever organism the cancer is happening in. But what ISN’T consistent is what causes the DNA error in the cancer cell in the first place. IRL, cancer can be caused by all kinds of things – smoking, radiation poisoning, being out in the sun too long, drinking deadly chemicals and whatnot, anything that damages DNA. But in RW, the only time we ever hear Rot talked about, or see it present, is in the context of an iterator having f*cked up while mucking around with DNA. Pebbles was trying to create an organism that could change his own genome, and No Significant Harassment created Hunter as a messenger and probably mucked something up in the process in his haste to get them to Moon.

This doesn’t mean that there aren’t other causes of it, of course, we’re working with a sample size of two in an apocalyptic world with who knows how much potentially DNA-damaging stuff around, but… that’s still awfully consistent.

So, combining these points and everything we know to be canon, Rot is:

an organism that lives inside another organism

Until a certain condition is met, it cannot harm said host organism.

Once said condition is met, it goes out of control, wreaking havoc on the organism’s systems and mutating, giving it sensory capabilities and an appetite

Said condition is apparently someone messing up when re-arranging genomes, in yourself or others

It is widespread across multiple different species, at least iterators and slugcats but potentially other species as well.

Once you have a bad case of it, it is apparently NOT CURABLE. Pebbles tried everything he could think of but apparently exhausted all of his options by the time of the Survivor/Monk campaigns.

So, with all the context FINALLY laid out, here’s my wild theory: Rot isn’t a cancer. It’s a symbiote turned parasite. Specifically, I believe it’s a symbiotic microbe that lives inside the cells that make up every other creature in Rain World, and is held in check by a specific gene that all species share, and altering or getting rid of that gene causes it to go berserk, taking over and eventually mutating the host cells.

Yeah, I did watch Parasite Eve let’s plays as a kid, why do you ask? Anyway, hear me out here.

There is precedence for single-celled organisms living inside of other single-celled organisms. They’re referred to as intracellular endosymbiots (hopefully I got the spelling right there), and the most well-known one is probably the mitochondria. The powerhouse of the cell is thought to be descended from some bacteria way, WAY back that was engulfed by a larger cell and not only survived it, but BENEFITED from it. Since then those ancient proto-mitochondria and eukaryotic cells have mutually evolved to be dependent on each other. So it’s entirely possible for something similar to have happened in Rain World.

However, I don’t think it happened NATURALLY, here. Because something that’s able to take over a cell entirely and begin wildly mutating it is NOT something your average cell wants inside of it. There’s a VERY high chance of extinction if you do that. Which means that of course those funky bio-tech loving Ancients either took a look at a wildly dangerous cellular parasite and went “hmmm we can use this” or made one themselves.

Why did they do this? Who knows! Currently, I’m tied between “they needed a better powerhouse for the cell to power the various weird adaptations they’re building into various creatures,” “there was some sort of disease that this parasite gave immunity against and they wanted to make use of it,” and “it gave their creations massively powerful regeneration factors that made them much easier to maintain.” Possibly it was all three. Whatever the reason, the Ancients either found or created this parasite, and put it into their creations’ cells, hoping to reap the benefits.

Well, they got the benefits, but they also got a microbe that hijacked the cells and harnessed their pre-existing DNA blueprints to build organisms disguised as great big blobs of cancer. Which is not exactly ideal, but hey, they just had to figure out a way of keeping the cell hijacking from happening! And the way they ended up going about it was to alter the thing so that so long as there was a specific DNA sequence in the cell, it laid mostly dormant. All the benefits, none of the risks – so long as that specific string of genes remained intact.

And then BECAUSE it was so beneficial, they spread their artificial symbiote and it’s genetic reins throughout ALL of their creations, from the smallest pipe-cleaning slugs to the iterators. Which meant that as their purposed organisms replaced most of the original ecosystem, they spread the symbiote as well. Thus making it possible for pretty much ANY creature on the planet to come down with a bad case of the Rot. And with the iterators, I wouldn’t be surprised if this symbiote is tied to their self-destruction taboos. Try to cross yourself out? Well, it’s gonna maybe happen now, but it’ll be a slow painful death as you’re eaten alive from the inside and all your own parts turn against you, so was it really worth it?

And they never told their creations this perhaps even actively hid it, because why tell them the cause of the main deterrent to them mucking with their taboos? They might find a way around it. The iterators were left ignorant of how Rot works, and because of this they never figured out that Rot HAD a cure after all: rebuilding that genome that reins in the symbiote. Because why in the name of the Void would they repeat the same mistakes that gave them Rot in the first place, and potentially make it worse?

#rain world #rain world worldbuilding #serious musings #rain world headcanons #rw rot #the rot #rain world rot #rain world turbo cancer #which is not actually cancer #yes i Parasite Eved the shit out of the Rot #yes that is a verb now I take no criticisms #anywho the Rot is a byproduct of the ancients Fucking Shit Up on Purpose #and it DOES have a cure damn it #I'm not giving the robots not-actually-cancer and NOT giving them at least a chance to cure it #not mentioned above is the fact that depending on the genes altered along with the restraining gene #you might get rot with fun mutations like being able to jump from organism to organism #or Rot that outright assimilates cells from other organisms #amongst other things #plenty of FUN stories to play with there >:D

[outer-edges]

dd s1 opening with matt laying in his dad's arms saying he can't see vs. dd s3 opening with matt laying in his mom's arms and saying he can't see. signaling to us that, much like s1, this is another origin story. unlike s1, however, it's not story of the birth of daredevil, but the rebirth of matt murdock.

#yes someone has most definitely said this before #yes somehow i'm JUST noticing this #but i also haven't rewatched dd s3 ever #mattie rewatches dd #daredevil #matt murdock #this show altered my brain chemistry btw

[viliantropy-art]

Twistyland AU (more accurately called twisted and has sonic boom humor)

Eggman has once again altered the universe in his conquest, and in his !luck it changed his enemies into easy-going and non-threatening "pet animals"

[TRANSLATION: Eggman is the perfect round man and they are obsessed with making him their own possession]

#sth #myart #twistyland au #sth twistyland au #sth au #sonic au #miles tails prower #amy rose #sonic the hedgehog #knuckles the echidna #Dr eggman #sth fanart #I didn't like twisting knuckles' quills so I'm baby proofing it #Amy loves anything fancy and spheres #sonic loves running in circles #knuckles loves looking at clouds #tails has a need to own spheres #Dr Eggman is the perfect sphere #Yes he fixes the universe alteration by the end of it all before they put him in an aquarium for display like a barbie doll

[eldrichfuck666]

Uhh, I didn't create new sims for a while, but guess what?? He's my new obsession now T-T Yet another cannibalistic deer, what did you expect from me at this point?..

By the way!! When I see him, Meet me in the woods by Lord Huron starts playing in my head for some reason.. AND ALSO. He still doesn't have a name! I'm sure he's going to have a slavic name though :')

#ts4 screenies #sims 4 screenies #ts4 screenshots #sims 4 screenshots #show us your sims #ts4 simblr #s4 simblr #simblr #ts4 #cas pics #YES I POSTED FINALLY #now I'm going to either go and organize my fucking cc folder or just.. sleep #because I want to sleep #I'm always sleepy #very fucking unrelated BUT yesterday I bought a new long (very long!!) dress and I feel like it altered me sksksks #I feel so free when wearing it honestly #for some reason??? #I just love it so much #not the way my chest looks in it btw but binders are lifesavers #like IT'S SO LOOONG and the fabric is so nice!! I love the way it feels on my legs I guess? it's so free and like... so long and beautiful #its like.. kinda country styled you could say? but it has so much ruffles I LOVE IT. #and ALSO I'm the worst plant parent but I bought like... 6 plants in total. WHY? I have no idea WHAT DO I DO WITH THEM #I killed my last 10 plants :'(((( I have no idea why I keep trying #*olya's ocs: oisín

[binah-beloved]

Can we think about binah's meltdown form for a bit?

yes we can absolutely think about Binah's meltdown form for a bit. i promise i will be entirely normal and sane about it. really.

#project moon #lobotomy corp #library of ruina #binah #binah lobcorp #binah library of ruina #that's a lie i'm not normal about it at all #i like to believe that it has a vaguely robotic sense to it #as she goes around unleashing abnormalities #she slows when she sees you though #tilting her head slowly and letting out these mechanical static sounds #if you don't run away she'll kneel and put her head on your shoulder #pull you closer and closer until you're surrounded by her arms and cape #she doesn't quite know what she's doing. everything feels fuzzy and blurred #yes i know canon says that she's the only lucid one during her meltdown #but canon is my playground to alter as i please #can we also talk about her meltdown theme #how it starts so mournful #almost longing #resigned to this endless cycle #yes i am completely normal about binah's meltdown form

[localguy2]

You know after all this time since I first EVER watched ninjago, I've come to the realisation that Zane most CERTAINLY did something to my brain chemistry when I was young

Like I can't even begin to describe it, he's the *only* TV show character who's name I still remembered long after I stopped watching the show in 2016, something about him just caught 7 or 8 years old me attention and made me like him

Is it the tragic back story? His robot nature? His character overall of being a sweetheart most of the time that faces constant self doubt about his own humanity? I'm not sure tbh...

I think it's like, a mix of everything, young me really liked him and I infinitely like him more now that I'm much older, I guess I should be thanking my nostalgia a year ago for getting me back into the show again

#ninjago #zane julien #Yes I'm talking about Zane #What a surprise #Listen #he's just the best #Just as a heads up #It wasn't an obsession or like fan girls level of loving character #But I enjoyed him a lot more then others #(and definitely NOT in the fantasizing way lmao) #'altered my brain chemistry' was the best thing I could think of because #Yeah #It's true #I can't describe any other character that's done this to my brain #The silly Nindriod strikes again

[wereh0gz]

I don't think I've seen anyone go into what physical symptoms Sonic experienced as a werehog. Have I posted abt that before I feel like I might've done that

Anyway here's a list of the symptoms of Sonic's werehog form, since I don't see many hcs abt that

Faster fur, quill, and nail growth

Increased body temperature

Increased appetite and intense cravings (not specifically for meat, but for foods he enjoys)

Sensitivity to light, sounds, and smells (easily overstimulated)

Chronic headaches

Joint and back pain due to changed bone structure

Toothaches, also due to changed bone structure

Muscle tears from transforming

Sore throat from vocal chords changing

Blood turned green (like Dark Gaia's blood)

Most of these don't fully go away when he turns back. During Unleashed, the pains lingered post-transformation and made it hard to get up in the morning a lot

Post-Unleashed, Sonic still deals with his fur, quills, and nails growing much faster than average. His bone structure in normal form is slightly different now too. His joints still hurt a bit because of it, especially his knees. Also his teeth are a lot sharper (not just fangs, all of his teeth)

#ramblings #i'm. not the only one with hcs abt this specific thing right #anyways rejoice werehog hcs be upon ye #these hcs also apply to rue but i'm not tagging them bc the post isn't abt them lol sorry rue ily #i think ppl tend to focus more on how his mind is/could be altered by this form #which is all fine and good but i like to think abt the physical effects it has on him too #in fact i like the idea that any mind/personality changes he displays don't come from dark gaia directly altering his mind #but as a reaction to the physical symptoms #like him being more irritable bc he's stressed from the pain and hunger that comes with the transformation #or he's less focused than usual bc he's overstimulated and has a hard time thinking bc of a headache #that kinda thing #bc ppl aren't usually like themselves when they're sick y'know

[miss-mossball]

Parallels

#doodle heaven #my ocs #dahlia #dosy #thinking about the dollia/dahlia lore again :> #dahlia is the lady dosy was based off by her maker(a mad scientist dahlia was fucking) #docile model 1.0 eventually becomes dosy(docile 1.3) #theres also docile model 2.0 and 4.0 #and others likely #flour also gets a role in the dosy story but his name is differenttttt bc roulie gives him all the names tm #he is secretly also a docile model robot (5.0) but hes built to control the others and act as their Hyooman #because all of the docile have their Person they're loyal to #o yes and the guy dahlia is leaning on is her husband #hes slightly based on woofgang bc dokidoki woofy #idk ill give him to roulie n he can do what he likes #(+ extra rose+dosy connections) #i like making connections between ocs is very Alters to me n it makes my brain happy okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #I'm gonna do little refs of the other dosies too #and of dosy 1.2 and 1.3 #so happy im doing this stuff with Roulie <3

[grandcovenant]

reading about the history of computer science is very fun for having thoughts about the technology of the game's setting (which i assume must exist in the same level to one extent or another outside of krat, even if puppets are a monopoly of krat's. i mean, geppetto is not even from krat and he's been established to be a genius inventor even before he came there and invented puppets)

do you think puppets are programmed through some form of punched card on a real version of the analytical engine. do you think ada lovelace existed in this world or that she at least had an equivalent.

#yes there's ergo but that's like. their dubiously sourced battery. i'm talking about the things they are programmed to do as machines #i think they are connected but still separate enough that one could alter one without affecting the other's functionality #lies of p #ok i will admit in my head a puppet's '''cpu''' kind of looks like the cube. #with the idea being that the groves on it acting as a programming language (and conceptually that could resemble a brain's wrinkles?) #and the ergo is like. a wishstone. it's in there. making the whole thing work as the ''cube'' is programmed to. but separate pieces #this is not a theory or anything with any real basis on something it's just an image that my brain conjured up and it stuck. #that said: i hope they have a mini-loom that reads punchcards in them <3

[hollowsart]

Acedia seasonal wear!

already having multiple layers is beneficial to staying insulated and warm in the colder climate of the north.. of which I am not native to, myself. southern, born and raised, baby.

also: BIG THICK WINTER COAT. it also has a hood!

usually I just wear the normal outfit. the little coat vest and all.

the sleeves and coat itself can be removed to cool down more if needed. as well, if it’s too hot, I can just unzip the top part of the suit to let my under-suit show instead, tie the top part down around my waist, out of the way. (a rare action cuz I like being more covered, personally.. comforting.)

#my art #phone art #spidersona #yes I'm still reusing that ref sheet pose. it's good. #anyways the outfit is very practical and flexible for minor alterations to adapt to the weather

[crashpit]

my rainbow clown barbie custom so far :'D

#her hair was already rainbow so no rerooting done for this btw #just painted her face and sewed an outfit using a specific youtube tutorial for the patterns but altered a but for clown aesthetics #hat was a different tutorial i also altered a bit #everything us coming together so nicely but yes this is a work in progress #gonna put a white pom pom on her hat #also bought her some purple clown shoes that will be here probably monday... legit the only existing barbie clown shoes i can find anywhere #there was one pair on ebay and none anywhere else not even anything similar #so im glad i was able to get them and hope they fit her high heeled barbie feet which they SHOULD. #then i just need stockings which I'm probs gonna buy some cheap Amazon pack of em in different colors and see which looks best #barbie custom #doll custom #doll custom wip #doll wip #clown #rainbow #rainbow clown

[angelsdean]

no but really azazel possessing john was just a convenient little metaphor, just another way for dean to reconcile with the conflicting image of his father-god who can do no wrong and the cruel man who has hurt dean, used dean, mocks him for his devotion and loyalty to his family, for his role as caretaker, despite benefiting from dean’s labor. anyways. looking at the scene and imagining there is no azazel....imagining the demon as metaphor is just. oh my god. like so heartbreaking and so compelling. the demon is alcohol, the demon is grief. john lashes out at dean, pins him to the wall, hurts him in his haze. and dean’s crying, begging him, not to let the demon inside him get the upper hand, fight this dad! please please don’t kill me. and then sam gets free, and he gets the gun. and he has a chance to end it. he has a chance to kill the monster that’s been haunting them for 22 years. but dean. dean still loves his dad. despite everything. he doesn’t know how not to love him. so he begs again, please please don’t kill him. and he thinks things might be different now. he always thinks things will be different after one of these fights. but dad doesn’t apologize for hurting dean. he sobers up, the metaphoric demon gone dormant for now, but everything is the same. they get in the car and drive and john is pissed and he tells them nothing matters but the job. dean bleeds out in the backseat of the only real home he’s even known and he hears his dad say “this demon comes before everything.” hears him say, this demon comes before YOU, dean. their lives are still ruled by the demon. the demon has always been there, will always be there. his dad is beyond saving but dean can’t kill him. 

#like actually. the metaphoric demon as the manifestation of john's grief and increased substance abuse and the angry man he becomes #is sooo compelling to me #and the demon as a figurative persona that dean places on his dad to distance him when he's like this from the good dad in his mind #makes me insaaane like super unwell emotions #re-imagining the first few seasons as there not actually being a yellow eyed demon it was just john the whole time is. i want to eat that #want to gobble that up #like there's still other demons and the supernatural and everything but JOHN. john is the one who broke his family #john is the one who killed them #i think again framing it as a consequence of his drinking..of that internal demon is wow so good #like imagine he got drunk the night of the fire and maybe idk left a cig lit when he passed out downstairs or something #and his carelessness his altered state led to mary's death #and the whole blood thing with sam...metaphor for addiction being passed down #sam IS an addict the whole blood storyline was framed as an addiction so it makes sense #azazel corrupting sam with his blood is litcherally just. john passing down his demons to his son #(yes i know dean is also an addict. literally an alcoholic but it's 8 AM i'm not thinking thru every detail of the metaphor rn) #dean's always been mary's mirror anyway and sam is johns so for now i'm satisfied w the metaphor #i'll think more abt how dean fits in later #maybe it's like. yeah he has that part in him too but it's never been allowed to take over and consume him really #not the way sam lets his addiction take over #bc dean's always always had to put everything before himself always had to carry the family be the caretaker AND the soldier #so when the hell does he have time to go full addict and let it run his life like john and sam do? he doesn't. #yes it's there and it's a bad coping mechanism and a crutch but he rarely rarely lets it consume him #except for when. when cas dies. but y'know. that's a whole other thing i could write abt forever #dean studies #vic.txt #WAIT WAIT #JOHN MAKING THE DEAL W AZAZEL BASICALLY LETTING THE DEMON 'WIN' BASICALLY KILLING HIMSELF BC HE THINKS IT WILL PROTECT HIS SONS #thinks they will be better off without the alcoholic angry man but he doesn't think abt how his death will really affect them #and he still tells dean. hey. if sam's addiction takes over if that demon inside him like the one in me wins....you wont be able to save him #you'll have to kill him

[monty-glasses-roxy]

"Oh but why would you bother doing the Fandom Submechanophobia Wiki if you hate Fandom so much? Why do you keep looking around FNaF Fandom Wiki if you hate Fandom so much? Why would you do this???" I hear no one asking and to that I say...

Where else would I get my emotional duck tape phrases?

Seriously, fuck Fandom and the Fandom wiki but some of the people writing these pages get a pass for being extremely funny lmao

#yeah I say 'it helment' all the time now it's actually altered my brain chemistry #I ADORE it helment #it's my discord status AND wifey's discord status lmao #it helment... my beloved... #yes I've found more gems I should make a post abo-OH I COULD ADD SOME OF THESE SILLIES TO THE HALLOWEEN ROSTER #just a few #doodles 100 word drabbles random sillies and some gems in my wiki travels... #that seems like a nice mix ngl #drabbles are the hardest I think but the most important because Nano is coming up #so some little things to get in the game a little before it starts should help #but yeah I'll add a few to the trick or treat roster lmao some of them are really funny to me #I gotta have a nice mixture for the trick or treaters!! #gotta keep 'em on their toes!!! #might just make some posts of random things I find fun too #like I really like some of England's mythology though I'm not an expert on it at all #and I know some fun stuff about animals and stuff! and bits and pieces of other languages! #and history stuff!! #I can make such a wide collection... #I could put links to art blogs that I really like and some fics #wait no I've. not read any lately... :( #pfft I go grab some stupids from the books and sprinkle those in #not many though! I feel like I've beaten that one to death already #can't drag it through the mud anymore than I already have lmao #nah I got ideas though man #for DAYS #just got a life thing to get done first #NO I DON'T I HAVE TWO LIFE THINGS AT LEAST #THREE #MAYBE FOUR #oh god they're multiplying how many fucking things have I forgotten??????

[celestialwife]

sometimes i just think about poe and it's like. i can't believe you mean this much to me? literally ahead of tfa i just kept scoffing at the descriptions of him, completely expected to be benevolently annoyed with him or meh at best and didn't understand why everyone went off abt how oscar was attractive (like i could tell objectively, but it's rare that i find someone subjectively attractive on a deep level), and then i just. saw poe for the first time on screen in theaters and that was it. instant attraction, and then a few minutes later realizing that oh, no i'm genuinely in love with this man. instant ride or die, we just clicked. i got him on a deeply intimate level just from those few minutes of screentime he has in the movie, that nothing about him following that ever surprised me? just. yeah that's him this makes sense.

and i remember writing what was absolutely self-insert masquerading as canon where r.ey was his best friend and i genuinely meant for it to be platonic but i kept accidentally writing a little bit something more and i genuinely think looking back on it that i probably had a crush and a squish on poe? and he may have started queerplatonic, leaning on alterous (if i'm understanding the term right). like it wasn't straight platonic because i genuinely had/have such a crush on him but it definitely wasn't straight romantic at the time either (and i still have moments where i'm like. yeah i'm definitely feeling qp feelings for him and not romantic ones). and then sometime in 2017, something I guess shifted and I wrote in an oc into that same fic who had a history with him and they both still had feelings for each other and they kissed at the end of the story but didn't wind up with each other, and then i started reading reader fic for him that same year and was like. oh I actually don't mind the idea of kissing him....i kinda wanna. and i also don't mind the idea of a relationship if it's with him, i even want it?

and like ofc things went sideways from there. i stopped reading fic bc my friend made fun of me for reading it and i felt like i was doing smth "wrong" and then the gaslighting of everyone hating him in t.lj when i didn't also severely impacted my ability to be able to enjoy him properly without trying to fold up my actual opinions to 'fit in' more and feeling anxious and not getting to enjoy it, but he was still such a cornerstone of comfort for me at the time. i even wrote my first reader fic in late 2018 to get some comfort from how awful things were in my personal life and it was of him. and then t.ros happened and the fandom got so toxic along w some friend stuff that my spin in poe almost broke (or so i thought), but like?? i spent the whole next year constantly drawn to things that reminded me of poe....read a book that was compared to the st and him a lot....bought a lot of orange things without thinking about it, developed a crush on a character that's like. basically poe with the serial numbers scratched off. all until i found my way back to him at the end of 2020 🥰 and after that i started embracing reader fic again and my romantic feelings for him and then lmao the physical/sexual attraction came in like a wrecking ball shortly thereafter which was New To Say The Least, but.

eeee i don't know i ended up gushing a lot about him but i just. sometimes i really think about the journey i've had with him, and how much good he's genuinely brought into my life. i get to feel all these emotions i never thought i would!! because of him!!! i get to explore new avenues that i wouldn't be interested in or comfortable in pursuing even mentally bc of him!!! he's helped me work through various triggers for my trauma bc they feel safe with him involved? and most importantly - i wouldn't know any of my lovely friends or partners if it wasn't for him? i stuck around in the fandom bc of poe, and that lead me right to my queerplatonic partners and family. i genuinely would not!! be the same person today if i had not fallen in love with that silly flyboy december 20th 2015!!! and isn't that just love in a nutshell?

#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i don't normally gush but i'm heavily caffeinated rn moreso than i've been in months #i just!!!!!!!!! i cannot believe!!! #sometimes i worry when i like. mildly dissociate thinking about him and my love/interest in him bc one time that genuinely broke a spin bc #i realized it was not doing anything for me positively. but with poe everytime i'm just like #my life would genuinely not be as joyful as it is if it weren't for you. i would not be who i am today if it wasn't for you. #(tch. might not be here generally speaking) #i just. i really went from scoffing at him to 'oh no he's hot' to 'oh i'm in love' to 'i want to be his best friend in a really intimate #way' (cos i didn't know what qp/alterous was at the time) to 'i might want to kiss him but i wouldn't imagine myself w him' #to 'oh. actually i don't mind thinking about kissing him or being in a relationship w him. actually i /want/ that.' #to having to swallow my feelings for him to be diplomatic/avoid conflict for two years while still utterly adoring him and being in love w #him to subconsciously finding my way back to him!!!!! #and deciding with grim determination i'd continue loving him as much as i wanted no matter what anyone else said and YES that meant getting #kiss him on his pretty mouth. and shipping my self insert with him PROPERLY where they end up together. #and then realizing stuff that's less pg-13!!!! but no less mind blowing. like i had THAT setting. what the hell. #i just. what a journey. #he's my sweet flyboy my absolute beloved my best friend my starlight i love him to pieces u guuuuuuuuuuuys #i've had a lot of comfort characters over the years and a handful of special interests - none of them have meant as much to me as poe #he is genuinely a part of me and who i am he's my soulmate and i wuv him #okay i'm done #nym speaks #flyboy 🧡

[piduai]

we live in a society

#i might be the only person in the world who finds this funny but i'm giggling like yes this IS their dynamic #also upon consideration i DO think that 304 will get a few tweaks. i don't want to set my hopes up but i can imagine what things #could be slightly altered. two more weeks besties...