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#yes i am having a crying session alone in my bed j. the dark. at night
oasis-of-you · 3 years
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o_o
#yes i have noticed a pattern in my emotions#yes i am indeed venting on here again what’s new#yes i am having a crying session alone in my bed j. the dark. at night#and yes i am reading the wikipedia page on indian history to cope#wow wikipedia is now more comforting than a fuckin person what in the fuck#basically i have to do a Social thing tomorrow#and i know i’m going to feel angry and invalid and stupid and degraded when i go there#but i still enjoy some of my time with those people#and i don’t wanna cause a scene and cancel last minute because i literally have no excuse#but like i’ll be thrown off my balance and control of being alone in my own room#where outside factors can’t really do much because there are none#it do be just me myself and i#and so going there will make it so there are bajillions of external factors and thousands of negative outcomes#and yes i may feel happy but i will also definitely feel sad#and i can make myself happier than those people can#so is it really worth it#but then again if i use that logic to be asocial my whole life i’ll literally just be a loner#i think#i just described social anxiety by the book definition#and i’m not therapist or mental illness specialist but like.#i also read the bpd and did and anxiety and depression wikipedia pages before this#i have this cycle of always just being happy for a few days and then something messes it up and i fr sad and then i cry alone in my bed in#and the. i’m calmed and the next morning it’s better and only a few days later the something is terribly wrong feeling coms back#and then it repeats#welp at least i cut my hair pretty short now so there’s at least a physical change#today has just been SO F U C K I N G!!! tiring emotionally#i was an anxious wreck before i got my haircut and then i kinda had to be a support system for someone and i love them#but at the same time i wasn’t really stable to support myself forget supporting another#NAD THEN THE PERSON I WAS KINDA RELYING ON JUDT IGNORED MY VVENTING#thanks for the therapy sesh tumblr
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pinktintedmonocle · 3 years
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Dedicated Followers of Fashion - A Cobra Kai Lawrusso Fanfic - Chapter 3
“Do you still have yours?” Daniel asked.
Johnny blinked in confusion.  “My what?”
Daniel inclined his head towards the tournament gi on the wall.
In which Daniel is not on fire, Johnny performs a heist and they finally attempt to deal with their feelings for each other with the help of two iconic outfits…
Trigger warning: some references to outdated and ill-informed views on homosexuality and bisexuality.
1981
“Mr Lawrence.  Stay behind for a moment, will you?”
Kreese’s voice cut through the air, and although it was framed as a question Johnny knew that it was a command rather than a request.
“I’ll see you later”, Johnny murmured to Bobby, and hung back while the rest of the class shuffled out.
When they were alone Kreese surveyed him for a moment, his cool gaze sweeping Johnny from head to toe, and Johnny forced himself to stay standing straight up, head high, shoulders held back rather than turning tail.  He knew that gaze, not just from Kreese but from Sid as well, knew that it almost always preceded a sneer followed by a torrent of insults carefully constructed to inflict the most pain possible.
But no insults were forthcoming; instead Kreese just nodded, once, and walked past Johnny into his office. He emerged a few seconds later, a pile of black cloth held in his arms, and crossed back over to Johnny, holding out the bundle.
“For you, Mr Lawrence”, Kreese said smoothly, and Johnny’s jaw fell open when he realised what it was.
“A tournament gi?” he whispered, trying to keep the excitement out of his voice just in case he was mistaken.  “For me, Sensei?”
Kreese smiled indulgently and inclined his head down, indicating for Johnny to take the uniform.
Johnny picked it up, sucking in a deep breath as he did so.  He’d just been a spectator at the All Valley tournament for the last two years, sitting in the front row and cheering his fellow Cobras on, hoping against hope that one day it would be him up there, leading Cobra Kai to victory.  He ran his fingers over the patch on the front of the top, scarcely believing that he was seeing his own name (his own name!) printed above the motif of a fist.
“Do you really think I’m ready, Sensei?” he asked quietly, and Kreese’s smile widened as he laid a hand on Johnny’s shoulder, squeezing it softly.
“Yes son”, said Kreese. “It’s time for you to get out there and show everyone what a true champion is made of.  I have a feeling that gi is only the first of many.”
Johnny felt his chest swell with happiness as a grin spread over his face.
“I won’t let you down, Sensei”, he promised fervently.  “I swear it. I’ll never, ever let you down.”
 December 20th, 1984
“Johnny?  Johnny, are you OK sweetie?”
Johnny burrowed deeper under the bed covers, ignoring his mom.  His throat was throbbing painfully and he desperately needed to pee, but he didn’t want to move from his dark cocoon.  After a minute his mom stopped calling his name, and he thought she’d gone away when he heard his bedroom door open softly and feet pad across to him. He felt the bed dip as she sat down before her hand landed on his back, rubbing soft circles into it through the covers.
“Hey”, she said soothingly. “It’s OK, Johnny.  I know you did your best.”
“How?” croaked Johnny, voice muffled by the blankets.  “How do you know what I did when you weren’t even there?”
His mom’s hand stopped moving.  “I’m so sorry I missed it sweetie, but Sid had a work dinner and I had to go-”
“You always choose him over me”, Johnny said hoarsely, shifting across the bed out of his mom’s reach.
“You know that’s not true, Johnny”, Laura said quietly.
Johnny didn’t reply, and a few seconds later he felt his mom stand up and start to walk away.  He heard her footsteps pause, and then a rustling sound; the crinkle of cloth.
“Where do you want me to put this, Johnny?” she asked, and Johnny didn’t need to look to know that she was holding the gi that he’d torn off and discarded on the floor when he’d got home.
“I don’t care”, he said, curling up further under the blanket.
Laura sighed.  “OK, well I’m going to keep it if that’s alright with you.  I’ll put it with the others.”
Johnny was silent, and after a minute he heard his mom leave, the door closing behind her.  He held his breath for a moment, making sure she wasn’t about to come back, before he let himself cry, the tears running down tracks still present on his cheeks from the night before.  He didn’t care what his mom did with the gi; he never wanted to see it again.
 2019
They won the tournament, Miguel delivering the winning kick against Robby in a nail-biting final, and while the kids celebrated Johnny and Daniel had hotfooted it out of the All Valley Sports Arena, desperately searching for Robby and Kreese.  They eventually found them around the back of the building, Kreese having apparently learned his lesson from last time and avoiding the crowded parking lot.  He had Robby in a headlock, second place trophy in pieces on the ground, and for a sickening moment Johnny felt as if time had rewound thirty-five years and it was all happening again.
They had acted as one, Johnny sweeping Kreese’s leg while Daniel delivered the kick to his face, and while Daniel had pulled a shaken and spluttering Robby out of the way Johnny had stood over his old Sensei, mouth set in a hard line.
“Now get the hell out of here and never come back”, he had growled.  Before Kreese had a chance to respond Johnny had turned away, attending to Robby.
After an exhausting few weeks of sorting out the mess Kreese had left behind (“A lot of those kids he was brainwashing are going to need many years of therapy”, Daniel had said) and making sure Robby was OK (he had let Johnny and Daniel take him to hospital after the tournament, but had barely talked to either of them since, opting instead to move back in with Shannon who was fresh out of rehab), Johnny and Daniel had decided to keep their new dojo open, with them both teaching evening classes while Johnny managed most of the day sessions solo when Daniel was at the dealership.  (“Just try to be nice, OK Johnny?  No inappropriate nicknames.”  “Define inappropriate.”  “Anything you would’ve used in the 80’s.” Daniel answered drily.  “Then what the hell am I supposed to call them?” Johnny protested. “Their names, Johnny.”)
They had also managed to avoid being alone together for any length of time; Miguel, Sam and Hawk had begun to join them for lesson planning and nights out always included Amanda and Carmen.  Johnny was starting to think that Daniel had either forgotten or decided to abandon their plan to talk about The Thing between them (Johnny had started to refer to it as The Thing in his mind, even though that also made him think of the Kurt Russell film, which was confusing at times.  But he didn’t know what else to call it; what was the appropriate terminology for the overwhelming urge to kiss the face off your childhood karate rival turned reluctant co-sensei?), when he’d received a Facebook message from Daniel one night after practice.
Dinner.  My place. Saturday night, 7.30pm.  Amanda out and the kids at sleepovers.  And get a damn cell phone, Johnny.  I’m sick of having to wait for you to turn on your laptop before you pick up my messages.  (Johnny had rolled his eyes and responded with the middle finger emoji, followed shortly after by yeah, whatever, see you then.)
On Saturday night Johnny tried on the entire contents of his wardrobe, searching for just the right outfit in which to discuss what to do about The Thing.  After several hours his bedroom looked like an explosion in a thrift store and he finally settled on his dark suit and yellow shirt combo, telling himself as he adjusted his tie and slicked his hair back that he was going to Daniel’s to deal with the business of The Thing between them, so what better outfit than a business suit?  They would drink (there was no way Johnny was doing it sober), they would talk, they would eat, they would try and come up with a solution to their feelings which didn’t end with Johnny just pushing Daniel up against a wall and ramming his tongue down the other man’s throat.
The outfit selection had taken so long that it was well after 7.30pm by the time Johnny headed out of his apartment and drove round to the LaRusso house, but even after he arrived he still stayed in the car for a while, hands clutching the steering wheel as the Valley darkened around him.
Eventually he took a deep breath and got out, grabbing a bag from the passenger seat and locking the door before squaring his shoulders, walking purposefully up to the front door and ringing the bell.  He shifted nervously from foot to foot, and when Daniel didn’t come to the door after a minute he pressed the bell again, keeping his finger held down on it for a good ten seconds before letting go.  After there was still no response, Johnny started to feel a little uneasy.  What if something’s happened to him?  Johnny had a sudden vision of Daniel trying to cook some overly complicated recipe that involved a blow torch like Johnny had seen on the Food Network and setting fire to himself.  Or maybe he’d tripped over those ridiculously long legs of his and fallen down the stairs and was lying in a crumpled, broken heap at the bottom.  Or what if Kreese had returned despite his promise to stay away and had finally gotten his revenge?  Johnny’s heart started to race as he thought about what it would be like to live in world without Daniel LaRusso.  He felt bile rise in his throat and he swallowed it down as he found his feet carrying him swiftly around to the rear of the house.  He was making for the back door (rapidly formulating a break-in plan in his mind, which largely consisted of just kicking the door until it opened) when he saw that there was a light on in Daniel’s home dojo; he hurried in, shoes squeaking on the floor, half expecting to see Daniel’s lifeless body spread out in front of him.
“Johnny?” asked a familiar Jersey-accented voice, and Johnny turned to see Daniel sitting on a bench pushed up against a Japanese style screen, a wine glass raised halfway to his lips.  “Are you OK?”
Johnny breathed a huge sigh of relief, and then felt like an idiot.  His cheeks reddened.  “What? Er, yeah, I’m fine.  I just thought you might be on fire or something but you’re not, so we’re all good.”
Daniel frowned. “Johnny, why the hell would I be on fire - ” he started, before he cut himself off and shook his head.  “You know what?  I don’t want to know.  He shuffled along the bench, making room for Johnny, and gestured to a bottle of wine. “You want a drink?”  
“I’m good”, said Johnny, holding up his bag as he sat down and pulling out a crate of Coors Banquet.
Daniel rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything, instead reaching out for the bottle of wine and topping up his glass.  Johnny stared at him; he was dressed in corduroy pants and a fleecy blue sweatshirt, hair product-free and sticking up in fluffy tufts as if he’d been running his hands through it.  Johnny tore his eyes away, feeling a little hot.  He shrugged off his suit jacket and undid his top button, pulling at his collar. He took a bottle of Coors of out its cardboard container and twisted the cap off, taking a big gulp of beer.
“You missed dinner”, Daniel said.
“What was it?”
“Pesto and arugula linguine.”
Johnny pulled a face. “Sounds green.”
Daniel huffed, although Johnny thought he saw a hint of a smile on his lips.
“I didn’t think you were going to come.”
“Yeah, well.  I did”, Johnny said.  He was just close enough to Daniel that he could smell the smaller man’s aftershave (clean and fresh with just the slightest hint of musk).  He took another swig of beer.
“Yeah”, said Daniel, leaning in ever so slightly.  “For some reason you’re dressed like a detective from the 1970’s and you were over an hour late, but yeah, you came.”
Johnny reached out and shoved Daniel’s shoulder playfully, but rather than pulling back he left his hand there, fingers gently stroking Daniel’s arm through the soft fabric. Daniel bit his lip and Johnny realised he was about five seconds away from giving into temptation and kissing Daniel until his own lips were too sore to form coherent sentences.  He let his arm drop and glanced away, shifting on the bench to put a little more space between them, looking around the room for a distraction.  His eyes settled on the framed gi hanging on the wall.
“Of course you framed it. Bet you look at it every day and get a little thrill thinking about how you beat me.”
“Actually the reason I framed it was because Mr Miyagi gave it to me for my birthday”, Daniel replied. “The bonsai was embroidered by his wife before she died.”
“Oh”, Johnny said awkwardly, but then Daniel’s mouth quirked up in a smirk.
“But yeah, it does also remind me of kicking you in the face.”
Johnny picked up his discarded bottle cap and threw it at the smaller man.  It landed softly in Daniel’s hair and he scowled, plucking it out and throwing it back at Johnny who caught it easily.
“Asshole.”
“Twerp.”
They drank in silence for a minute before Johnny finally asked the question that had been bugging him for weeks.
“Why is blue my fault?”
Daniel didn’t even acknowledge that he’d heard Johnny, instead fiddling with a loose thread on the sleeve of his fleece.  He drained his glass and then picked up the bottle to re-fill, and Johnny was about to repeat the question when Daniel finally spoke.  
“I- I liked you in high school.”
Johnny snorted in derision. “I think we both know that’s not true.”
Daniel sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face.  “No, I mean I liked you in high school, Johnny.”
It took Johnny a moment to realise when Daniel meant; when he did, he blinked in surprise. “Oh.  Shit.”
Daniel swirled the wine around in his glass.  “Yeah. After the tournament I started having these dreams about you, and when I saw you at school…”.  He paused, taking a sip of wine and staring down at the floor. “There wasn’t any information about it in those days, you know?  About men who liked men or men who liked both men and women.  Not useful information, anyway.  The news just said it made you sick, and my neighbour Freddy told me he’d once seen an Al Pacino movie about it and that it meant you had to wear a lot of leather and might be murdered.”  He took a big gulp of wine and stared down at his feet, not meeting Johnny’s eye, and when he spoke again his voice was somehow both soft and brittle.  
“So I just tried to ignore it and hoped that it would go away, but of course it didn’t.  So the next time I needed new clothes I just bought everything in blue, because – I don’t know, it just seemed like a safe colour. Like people were less likely to know…” He trailed off, shaking his head.
“Oh”, Johnny said again.  (He felt that he should probably have said something else, but had no clue what that would be.)  “And then what?”
Daniel shrugged.  “And then, eventually, there was more information and I learned that it was OK to like both men and women, but by that time I was already with Amanda and I didn’t want anyone else.”  He went to take another sip of his wine but then seemed to change his mind, placing the glass down on the bench and running a hand through his hair.  
Johnny realised his mouth was hanging open and quickly closed it.
“And what about you, Johnny?”
“What about me, LaRusso?”
“Did – did you like me too? Back then?”
Johnny had a sudden, vivid memory of the day they first met, of looking down at Daniel playing with Ali on the beach and feeling an odd swooping sensation in his stomach at the sight of long legs and slim hips that he hadn’t fully understood and had masked with anger.
“Maybe”.  He went to take a pull on his Banquet, but the bottle was empty.  He cracked open another and took a long swig from it.
“We would be terrible together”, Daniel said bluntly.  “We’d argue over everything and we’d probably try and kill each other within a week.”
“Yeah”, Johnny agreed. “It’d be a fucking nightmare.”
“And yet –”, said Daniel, gesturing at the space between them, at the thirty-five year old heart-shaped elephant in the room.  “-there’s this”.            
“Yeah.  The Thing.  Our thing, I mean, nothing to do with Kurt Russell.”  Johnny looked down at his feet.  “I don’t know what to do about it, LaRusso.”
“No”, Daniel said miserably. “I don’t either.”
They looked at each other, and Johnny was suddenly overcome with the urge to just get up and run out of there at full pelt (he could be in his car and on his way home in under a minute if he moved fast).  He hadn’t expected it to go this way; he thought that Daniel would have some carefully constructed five-point plan for how to deal with their feelings, or that he’d get some sudden flash of inspiration (damn business suit had been no help at all). Instead he breathed deeply in and out and shifted just a little closer to Daniel, holding out a hand.  Daniel hesitated for a fraction of a second before he took it in his.
“Do you still have yours?” Daniel asked after a while.
Johnny blinked in confusion. “My what?”
Daniel inclined his head towards the tournament gi on the wall.
“Oh.  No.  But it might still be at Sid’s with some of my mom’s old stuff.”
Daniel nodded slowly. “You think you could go round there and see if you can find it?”
“Maybe”, said Johnny, frowning.  “Why?”
**********************************************************************************
Johnny loitered outside the house, watching as Sid clambered into his car with the help of Rhonda. The chauffeur got in and started the engine and Johnny ducked behind a bush as the car swooped down the driveway. When it was safely out of sight he walked briskly up to the front door and rang the bell (he knew better than to try and sneak round the back; Sid’s home security systems had always been state of the art and he’d tripped the alarm more than once as a teenager, creeping back home after an all-night rager).
When the butler answered the door Johnny walked straight past him, talking fast.
“Hey, is my step-dad home? It’s just that I think I left something here last time I visited and I wanted to see if he’d found it.”
The butler hurried behind Johnny as he walked into Sid’s study.  “Mr Weinberg is out at the moment, Mr Lawrence, but perhaps if you come back another day after you’ve made an appointment-”
“Ah, it’s OK, I think I know where I left it”, said Johnny.  “I’ll go grab it and be out of your hair in just a sec.”  He looked at the butler again.  “Well, actually, you don’t have any hair, but you know what I mean.”
“Mr Lawrence, I must protest-” began the butler, but Johnny stepped around him and back out into the hall before turning left and taking the stairs two at a time.  He ran along the corridor to his old bedroom (now a storage room) and began to search for the boxes with his mom’s name on them. He could already hear the butler talking to someone on the phone and he reckoned he had about three minutes before the burly security guards that Sid kept on site found him, and a further two minutes before Sid arrived back home (Johnny knew that he would order his chauffeur to turn right back around as soon as the butler told him what was going on; his step-father would never miss an opportunity to kick Johnny out of his house).
After a minute of searching Johnny found the boxes marked ‘Laura’ and tore them open, pulling out high heels and floral dresses, some of which still smelt faintly of his mom’s perfume. His stomach clenched at the scent, memories flooding back; he shook his head, forcing himself to focus.  He opened another box, and then another, and was just starting to think they weren’t there, that Sid must have thrown them out, when he found them folded up neatly at the bottom of the last box. Four black gi’s with yellow trim. He pulled them all out and held them up one by one to determine which was the biggest, which was the one from 1984. When he’d identified it he quickly stuffed the pants, top and a belt into the backpack slung over his shoulder and sprinted back down the corridor and the stairs.  As he barrelled out of the door he heard heavy footsteps behind him and several deep voices shouting at him to stop, but he kept running, breath hitching in his chest.
Sid’s car pulled back into the driveway as Johnny ran out of it, and as Johnny raced down the road, the security guards puffing along behind him for a few paces before giving up, he heard Sid shout.
“And don’t you ever come back here, you good-for-nothing schmuck!”
Don’t worry, Johnny thought, slowing his pace a little as he turned a corner out of sight.  I won’t.
**********************************************************************************
“Good work today everyone!”, said Sam, clapping her hands together, and Johnny smirked as Daniel raised an eyebrow at his daughter as their students began to talk amongst themselves.
“You know that’s my line, right?” Daniel asked.
Sam grinned.  “You snooze you lose, Dad.  Maybe it’s time for you to start thinking about stepping back a bit, let the new guard take the lead.”
Daniel rolled his eyes. “Hey, you’re not getting rid of me that easily.  Plenty of life left in this not-so-old dog yet.”
“So what’s the plan for tonight, Sensei and Mr LaRusso?” piped up Miguel, taking a slug of water from his bottle and wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand. “More lesson planning?”
Johnny and Daniel exchanged a glance.
“Ah, no, not tonight kid”, said Johnny.  “Me and LaRusso have got some stuff we need to work on.  Just – er – just us two.”
The teenagers frowned.
“What is it?” asked Hawk. “Some kind of secret new move?”
“Paperwork”, Daniel replied quickly.  “Although if you really want to stay and help out-”
Sam, Miguel and Hawk all made noises of protest, muttering vaguely about needing to get home.  Sam gave Daniel a quick hug while Miguel and Hawk chorused “See you later, Sensei” at Johnny before all three of them joined the other students as they trooped out of the yard.
Robby smiled tightly at them as he passed.  He’d shown up a few days prior and stood at the back of the class, joining in with kata but abstaining from sparring.  He hadn’t talked to Johnny or Daniel yet, but it was a start.  
Then it was just the two of them.  Johnny stared down at his feet, scuffing his shoes against the grass, before raising his eyes to look at Daniel.
Daniel’s tongue darted out to lick his lips nervously.  “You hungry?” he asked.
Johnny took in Daniel’s appearance, skin flushed and hair mussed from training.  Not for food.
“Ah, no, I’m good. But if you wanna go get something for yourself-”
“No”, said Daniel.  “I just – I just want to get on with this. Did you bring it?”
Johnny nodded, and together they walked inside.  Daniel gestured around the dojo.  “I’ll get changed in here.  You take the office.”
“Alright”, agreed Johnny, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice.  He walked into the next room and snagged a bottle of Banquet from the refrigerator before opening up his gym bag.  He pulled out the black uniform, freshly washed and neatly folded.
“It’s important it looked how it did then”, Daniel had said. “Don’t show up with it all smelly and crumpled.”
The plan had appeared to make something resembling sense when they were drunk.  Johnny, remembering Ali’s words (“Sometimes it’s good to visit the past to know where you are now”) had agreed to it, but sober (or at least as sober as Johnny ever was) the idea seemed more than a little bat-shit crazy.  But if it had even the slightest chance of helping them process their feelings for one another he was willing to give it a shot. Besides, Johnny had always felt most clear headed in the midst of a fight; adrenaline singing through his veins, blood pumping, everything appearing just that little bit sharper and brighter.
He pulled off his workout clothes and sneakers and held up the black gi pants, wondering if he was even going to be able to get them past his thighs.  He pulled them on very slowly, just about managing to get them all the way up without busting a seam, and then leaned down at an awkward angle to grab the rest of his uniform.  He put on the top (was it really a good idea to be showing so much chest around someone who was madly in lust with him?  Probably not), tied the belt and walked stiffly into the dojo.
Daniel was standing on the opposite side of the room, fiddling with his sleeves.
“You haven’t even changed yet!” Johnny protested, gesturing towards him.
“What?  I have!”, Daniel replied, pointing towards an identical heap of white cloth on the floor.
Johnny shook his head. “Of course it still fits you.”  He walked towards Daniel, trying not to bend his knees too much.  Daniel just stared at him.
“Jesus, Johnny.  How did you even get that on?”
Johnny shrugged, still moving robot-like across the room until he was in front of Daniel.  Close up Johnny could see that Daniel’s gi was not quite identical to the one he’d worn in class; it was slightly more worn, frayed around the edges, and it was also quite snug.  His hand crept out and he touched Daniel’s chest (fully covered unlike Johnny’s, no exposed nipples in sight), and let his fingers glide down the fabric, coming to rest low on Daniel’s stomach, skimming the softness there.
Daniel shifted, but didn’t pull away.  “Why do you always touch me there?”, he asked.
Johnny felt a smile pulling at his lips.  “Only place you’re not perfect, LaRusso.”
Daniel raised an eyebrow. “You think I’m perfect?”
“Well you’ve spent enough money tying to still look like you did in high school”, replied Johnny, gesturing with his free hand to Daniel’s carefully dyed hair and moisturiser-softened skin.
Daniel scowled, but then his eyes drifted down to Johnny’s hand, still resting on his stomach.  “So it’s my imperfections that you like, Johnny?”
“Maybe”, Johnny said. He thought back to the night of the pink shirt, of the brief glimpse of Daniel’s bare torso.  He would only have to move his fingers a little to the left to reach Daniel’s gi belt; one tug and the top would fall open, exposing Daniel’s body, just like opening a present on Christmas Day.  Instead he stepped back, arms dropping to his sides.
Daniel cleared his throat. “You remember your moves, Johnny?”
Johnny shrugged. “Yeah, I think so”.  (Of course he remembered them; that fight was part of him and always would be, whether he wanted it to be or not.)
“Just go easy on my knee this time, yeah?” asked Daniel.
“Ditto, but for my face”, countered Johnny.
They got into position and Johnny bowed, deep and deliberate, locking eyes with Daniel as the smaller man mirrored him.  Then they straightened up, getting into fighting stances, and began.
Johnny lunged forward with a jump kick and heard a tearing sound as the too-tight material of his gi pants gave way.  “Oh shit”, he muttered.
Daniel sidestepped Johnny’s leg, avoiding contact, “You alright there?” he asked, inclining his head towards Johnny’s crotch.
“I’m fine”, Johnny replied, feeling his cheeks redden.  He dived straight back into the fight with a flurry of kicks and Daniel landed a blow to the chest (“one point LaRusso”), his knuckles skimming over bare flesh.  Daniel went in for a punch and Johnny pushed him to the ground, hand lingering for a second on Daniel’s chest before Daniel flipped himself up (not quite as gracefully as the last time, Johnny noted a little smugly) and they circled each other, panting heavily, before Johnny kicked out and Daniel went low, pulling Johnny down with him and tapping him on the back (“That’s two for LaRusso”), and they both lay there for a moment, legs tangled together (those legs, what Johnny wouldn’t do to stay wrapped in them), before they clambered up, parting reluctantly, getting ready to face off again.
“You need a time out, Johnny?”  Daniel asked lightly, but there was an edge to his voice and his body was braced, ready for attack.
“I’m good.  Didn’t bust my nose this time, LaRusso.”
Daniel nodded, bouncing on the balls of his feet, and suddenly it was as if it was 1984 again and they were in the All Valley Sports Arena, the crowd roaring around them and Kreese standing to the side, arms crossed, confident that Johnny would obey him no matter what.
“Sweep the leg.”
“You have a problem with that?”
“No Sensei.”
“No mercy.”
Johnny’s leg went up, his body moving by itself as though he had no control over it, like a puppet on a string.  Daniel tensed, waiting for the inevitable blow to his own leg, and Johnny wasn’t sure which of them was more surprised when it never came.  Instead the kick struck Daniel’s chest, a fair kick, not targeting a known weakness, and the smaller man fell back onto his ass, blinking in surprise.  They stared at each other for a moment, panting heavily, and then Daniel’s face split into a grin before he got up again, and Johnny felt his own lips pull into a smile as they continued.
Johnny fought the rest of the fight with his own moves, every kick and punch shredding the material of his gi a little bit more, and he found that he felt lighter with every ripped seam as if shedding a too tight skin that he hadn’t realised he was still wearing.
“I won’t let you down, Sensei, I swear it.  I’ll never, ever let you down.”
“You’re nothing, you lost, you’re a loser”.
“I did warn you about this.  I told you not to show weakness.”
“I will never let my students lose.  Even if they have to learn the hard way.  One day you’ll thank me for this, Johnny.”
Rip
Tear
Pull
Break
Johnny kept his eyes trained on Daniel as they sparred, on the man who Johnny had blamed for so many things that were never his fault, weren’t Johnny’s fault either, but instead were entirely the fault of someone who had seen Johnny as an impressionable young kid and decided to warp him into a solider.
Johnny didn’t grab Daniel’s leg, didn’t ram his elbow into the back of his knee.  Instead they danced around each other, Johnny’s cheeks aching from the smile that seemed to have taken up permanent residence on his face, and then Daniel raised two arms and a leg, preparing for the crane kick. There was a moment of stillness and Johnny stared at the person in front of him; this tiny, forceful creature who had crashed back into his life after thirty odd years, and he felt that same swooping sensation in his stomach that he had that night at the beach.  Then Daniel’s leg flew out, or at least it almost did; Daniel’s gi pants pulled tight around thighs that were just a little thicker than when he was a teenager, and as the material restricted his movements Daniel’s eyes went wide and he fell over backwards, landing on his ass.
Johnny felt something rise up his throat and into his mouth (for a second he thought he was going to barf all over Daniel’s precious gi, which would have kept him amused for weeks after even if he did have to pay the dry cleaning bill), but instead what came out was a snigger followed by a chuckle, and before he knew it Johnny’s body was wracked with laughter and he dropped to his knees next to Daniel, chest heaving.  For a moment Daniel stared at him as if he was mad, but then Daniel’s own shoulders started to shake and soon they were both laughing uncontrollably.  Johnny felt that lightness again, both wonderful and dizzying (“the unbearable lightness of being Johnny Lawrence”, Daniel said, years later, when Johnny tried to recall the feeling.  Johnny just rolled his eyes and threw his bottle cap at Daniel, grinning when it landed in the other man’s greying hair).
When they finally stopped, guffaws subsiding into giggles that eventually petered out into silence, Johnny felt limp but happy, as if all the tension had been drained from his body. He looked at Daniel sat on the floor before him, sweaty and out of breath but with his white gi still pristine and perfectly intact while Johnny’s black one hung off him in tatters (and if that wasn’t a perfect representation of their relationship then Johnny didn’t know what was).  He shuffled forward and raised a hand to Daniel’s face, thumb rubbing against a soft cheek where just the slightest hint of stubble had appeared.  
“Johnny”, Daniel murmured, leaning into the touch.
“Daniel”, whispered Johnny, the name unfamiliar on his lips, and they locked eyes before closing the distance between them and pressing their mouths together.
Johnny had never really understood the act of kissing as something in and of itself before; for him it had always been a means to an end, and that end was usually sex or at least a good grope (Dutch had taught him that; always try to put a hand on a girl’s boob while making out), and he had imagined it would be like that with Daniel; a desperate, frantic mashing together of lips and teeth as they ripped each other’s clothes off.  But although Johnny could feel lust coiling in his belly the kiss was nothing like that at all; it was slow and sweet, Daniel’s soft lips moving gently against his, his mouth warm and inviting.  It was somehow both too much and not enough, and Johnny didn’t know if it was the first kiss or the last, the beginning of something or the end.
Eventually they broke for air but stayed close, breath mingling, foreheads pressed together.
“It’s getting late”, Johnny said, pulling back and nodding towards the slight gap in the screen doors where a sliver of inky black sky was visible.  He gestured between them.  “We should – ah – we should probably get changed”.
“Yeah”, Daniel replied, glancing at Johnny’s ruined gi. “We should.”
But neither of them moved, and Johnny found himself wondering what would happen if they just stayed there forever, curled around each other in that little house (he could get Bobby to send food parcels).  But his legs had started to cramp and so he got up reluctantly, holding out a hand to help Daniel to his feet.  They smiled at each other for a moment longer before they both nodded in silent agreement and turned away.  Johnny started to walk into the office to gather his clothes, but only took a few steps before he turned, drinking in the sight of Daniel’s bare back as he carefully removed and folded up his gi top, muscles shifting.  Johnny tore his eyes away and forced himself into the next room, firmly closing the screen door between them.  Maybe there would be time in the years to come for him to explore Daniel’s body, maybe not, but whatever happened at least the past was finally behind them while the future stretched out in front, unwritten, a blank page ready to be filled with whatever story they chose for themselves.
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juliaisabellphoto · 3 years
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My 2020 Albums of the Year
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Never requested, always provided. Here are my favorites of 2020. Here’s the playlist. 
The Secret Sisters, Saturn Return
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As soon as I saw “Water Witch, featuring Brandi Carlile” on this tracklist I knew that the Secret Sisters would be a favorite of 2020. In February, I was staying with a friend in Nashville and she mentioned them as a local favorite, and when I stopped at Grimey’s to shop for records I came upon a signed copy of “Saturn Return.” I had never heard the Secret Sisters before, but there is nobody I trust more to recommend music than this Nashville friend of mine, so I bought it. I made no mistake here: this record blew me away. The soft, soulful, lullaby of “Healer in the Sky” pulled me through the pain of the first month of quarantine and soothed me as the world was turned upside down. In reading more on the record, this seems to have been the point: they say, “this album is a reflection of us coming to terms with how to find our power in the face of an unfair world… our hope is that women can feel less alone in their journey through the modern world.” There is something in the caramel-thick sweetness of these sisters’ voices that makes a listener feel as though they’ve been bewitched into calm. When I think of this album, I think of the cross-country drive I took at the beginning of the pandemic to make my way home and the happy moments that can be found in darkness. No album touched my heart this year in the way that “Saturn Return” did. 
Taylor Swift, Folklore and Evermore
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Taylor Swift… can even be said? Somehow, while we all sat on our couches in quarantine, this woman created not one but two musical masterpieces. She begins “the 1” by stating “I’m doin good, I’m on some new shit,” and that says a lot about the album as a whole. She created the 2020 we all wish we experienced: soft, sweet, and gentle. Listening to Folklore feels like visiting a cabin in the woods, with a fireplace well lit. Swift tells winding stories of love, hardship, and mystery and tenderly walks us through the forest of her imagination. This magical feeling was amplified by her release of The Long Pond Studio Sessions, a film in which Swift, Jack Antonoff, and Aaron Dessner finally play the album together for the first time after recording it entirely remotely. The setting matches the sound: they play in an album in the middle of the woods, cozy and hidden from the snow. Evermore cuts through the delicate ice of Folklore: it is the color to Folklore’s black and white. Swift combines the soft folk sound of “willow” with some of her country and Americana roots in “no body, no crime,” drawing us in once again. She includes Bon Iver singing in his lower register in Folklore and then in his falsetto in Evermore: two sides of the same magic coin. The work in these two albums is Swift’s strongest ever, and solidifies the fact that no modern artist can really reach her. 
Chris Stapleton, Starting Over 
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Following a three-year hiatus, all lovers of southern rock deeply needed a Chris Stapleton album. In “Starting Over,” Stapleton yet again does what he does best: combines his unique whiskey-tinged growl with the best lyricism present in country music today. This record can’t be captured in any singular fashion, neither musically nor emotionally. The title track sets a high bar for the rest of the record with a reflection on re-remembering what really matters, a message certainly relevant for this turbulent year. Stapleton’s typical outlaw-country brand is present in full with “Devil Always Made Me Think Twice,” “Arkansas,” and “Hillbilly Blood,” but other songs take him in a completely new stylistic direction. “Maggie’s Song” takes on a very classic old-time country feel, as Stapleton weaves sweet and simple stories as he processes the loss of his pup. He harnesses the energy of the Chicks as he angrily lambasts the perpetrators of the 2017 mass shooting at Route 91. The song is a Stapleton-sponsored judgment day reckoning, including the cacophonic sound of a crowd in panic and the shrieks of a gospel choir. In contrast with this energetic high, Stapleton goes deep into his blues side by finally releasing “You Should Probably Leave,” a song he has been sitting on for six years. This one feels just right to sway around the kitchen to. With each listen to “Starting Over” I find new lyrics to write down and remember, new sounds to love. 
Bad Bunny, YHLQMDLG
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Bad Bunny. Our unproblematic reggaeton prince. In the wake of his many popular features and his collaborative album with J Balvin, Bad Bunny makes it clear that it is time for Balvin to share the throne of popular reggaeton. He features the original reggaeton king Daddy Yankee in “La Santa,” paying tribute to the very classic reggaeton style before mixing it and transcending beyond the classics in the following tracks. “Yo Perreo Sola” is the album’s standout track, accompanied by my favorite music video of 2020. The song is an ode to gender equality and the destruction of the patriarchal norms contributing to gender-based violence. “Yo Perreo Sola,” meaning “I twerk alone,” sets the overarching theme of consent present throughout the song’s lyrics. In the video, Benito’s backdrop references the Argentinian-born “Ni Una Menos” movement, a now global movement against gender-based violence. As if this wasn’t enough to make you adore him, the video further extends its activism to the LGBTQ community, with Benito appearing in full drag, in his normal attire, and at some points held in chains by women. He makes a statement about sexuality and gender expression in the video, twerking solo. The other jawdropper track on YHLQMDLG is Safaera, a perfect display of Bad Bunny’s skill in expanding the scope of reggaeton as a genre. In the same thirty seconds of the song, he subtly samples both “Could You Be Loved” by Bob Marley and the Wailers and Missy Elliot’s “Get Ya Freak On” - a segment I just can’t get out of my head. Bad Bunny’s prowess on this record is rounded out with the aggressive and prideful “P FKN R.” What a masterpiece. 
Mac Miller, Circles 
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A posthumous record that never should have been posthumous. A companion-piece to Mac’s 2018 record “Swimming,” Circles takes a similar tone, one of resilience through pain. The title track serves as a somber introduction, followed by the funk energy of “Complicated” and the GO:OD AM energy of “Blue World.” The song that really got to me, and many other fans of Mac, was “Good News.” It is the pinnacle of Mac’s musical insight and talent. The melody matches the melancholy of the track, as Mac sings of his desire for time and space. The melancholy is matched in “Everybody” with the lines about death feeling particularly haunting in the wake of Miller’s accidental overdose. Somehow, Miller wrote the perfect eulogy for himself prior to his passing, one that will live in the hearts of his fans forever. 
Kali Uchis, Sin Miedo (del Amor y Otros Demonios) ∞
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I’m not quite sure what to call this record. If I just listened to “la luna enamorada,” a cover of a classic Cuban bolero, I would call it gorgeous. If I just listened to “fue mejor” featuring PARTYNEXTDOOR or “quiero sentirme bien,” I would call it sexy. If I just listened to “vaya con dios,” I would think she wrote the theme music for the next James Bond film. The bottom line of the record is Uchis’ absolute stunning use of her upper register. She hits notes that “Isolation” never would have foreshadowed, painting a dreamland for any listener. She slides back into the energy of her sophomore album in “telepatia,” but adds in moments of her new sound. She incorporates a slower reggaeton beat into no eres tu (soy yo), and dives into a heavier reggaeton sound in te pongo mal (prendelo.) My personal favorite of the record is “aqui yo mando!” with Rico Nasty: it is the perfect display of Uchis’ unique upper register combined with Rico’s trap style. Anyone passing this record up for another “Isolation” listen is missing out. 
FLETCHER, The S(ex) Tapes
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This record has a story like no other, coming from a woman like no other. This EP was recorded while Fletcher quarantined with her ex-girlfriend, who also happened to film all of the music videos for it. It is this messiness that makes The S(ex) Tapes absolute magic. Fletcher’s own description of the name of the release explains the situation best:  “A sex tape is someone being captured in their most vulnerable, wildest, rawest form, and my ex has always captured me that way.” She captures all of the feelings of a breakup with someone you still love deeply, and the relationship relapse that comes with moving past those feelings. Fletcher’s special ability comes in representing these deeply painful experiences in an uplifting manner: this is a sexy pop EP meant to be danced to. Fletcher simultaneously validates all of the emotional tumult, but subtly nudges the listener toward blissful reckless abandon. It almost makes me wish I had a breakup to go through! The abrasive apathy of “Shh… Don’t Say It” and the flippant, angry vulnerability of “Bitter” are paired perfectly with Fletcher’s raw brand of distortion. In an interview with Nylon, Fletcher speaks to this: “Listen, I've done my fair share of just straight-up sad, crying in your bed music. I'm still going through shit, but I want to bop to it. We can still be emo and want to twerk at the same time.” Yes, Fletcher, we do. 
Halsey, Manic   
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Prior to 2020, I wasn’t Halsey’s biggest fan. I wouldn’t have even called myself a fan. I just wasn’t that excited by her music. “I’m Not Mad” was the song that triggered a 180 for me. The heavy, dissonant kick of the drums and her raw, angry lyricism drew me in without hesitation. I suppose this was just the push I needed to fall in love with the rest of her music: the songs with similar bite, “Without Me” and “killing boys,” and the more raw side of the record in “You should be sad,” “929,” and “Graveyard.” Her vulnerability is so much of what makes this record perfect. The album fully made sense to me when I listened to her podcast feature on “Armchair Expert” with Dax Shepard. In it, she talks through the time period covered by the record and gives context to her powerful lyricism. “Manic” is a story of chasing someone she loved into drug-fueled oblivion, and then finally finding the power to leave. The album is brimming with this power, and I just can’t turn it off. 
HAIM, Women In Music Pt. III
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HAIM is THE soft rock band of the modern era.Women In Music Pt. III, their most mature album yet, solidified this opinion for me in a way that I didn’t expect. There is so much to be said for this record: it is innovative and skilled, with the perfect balance of softness and hardness. Though the record is one of pain and trauma, you wouldn’t know it purely from its melodies. “Don’t Wanna” is a very classic HAIM pop rock number, and “The Steps” follows suit making frustration fun to dance to. Though one may not notice at first, in this record HAIM dives deeper than ever before. “Now I’m In It” does a phenomenal job of sonically representing the feeling of being completely and utterly overwhelmed. “I Know Alone” is a beautifully intimate rainy-day account of Danielle’s struggle with depression. Then comes “3AM” - a lighthearted song about a booty call with Thundercat-type bass and an R&B vibe - just in case you didn’t already know how much range these three sisters have. Everything about this record is filled with talent. 
Phoebe Bridgers, Punisher
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Only Phoebe Bridgers could write a song about murdering a skinhead and fill it with nostalgia. “Garden Song,” the leading single preceding “Punisher,” foreshadowed a record that is just so very Phoebe: melancholy, vulnerable, and heart-wrenching. The eagerly awaited album certainly followed suit, with typical sad ballads “Halloween” and “Moon Song” played alongside more raucous, Better Oblivion Community Center-esque songs such as “Kyoto” and “ICU.” She goes bluegrass on “Graceland Too” with banjo, violin, and layered harmonies from boygenius collaborators Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker. In “Punisher,” Bridgers shares with us the wistful catharsis that she is so very talented at creating.
Noah Cyrus, THE END OF EVERYTHING 
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I always underestimated Miley’s little sister, but here I am writing about her EP before I write about Miley’s in my end of the year roundup. Every piece in this record gave me chills: Cyrus’ lower register allows her to access a somber kind of ballad that I just can’t get enough of. The record starts off at a peak with the slow burn of “Ghost” and somehow manages to get even better with “I Got So High That I Saw Jesus.” This powerful song, even better in the live version where Miley joins her younger sister, builds into an almost gospel-like ode to the idea that everything will be okay. “July,” the single featuring Leon Bridges that pushed Cyrus into the national spotlight, stands as the most beautifully layered song of the EP. The soft guitar picking and choral sound complement Cyrus’ upper register. The whole record, extending through the closing title track, is a comforting, soft emotional analgesic for 2020. 
The Chicks, Gaslighter
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This record is gorgeous. It is painful. The feelings Natalie Maines expresses in this record are feelings I have felt far too deeply in personal relationships, and they also are feelings everyone is feeling globally in 2020. “Gaslighter” is just straight up fun, a perfect extension of the Chicks’ energy found in “Goodbye Earl” and other older revenge numbers (but with an extra poppy Jack Antonoff twist this time.) “Tights On My Boat” is bitter, funny, and shows off Maines’ upper register with stripped guitar. “Sleep at Night” musically and lyrically embodies the pain of being betrayed. “Julianna Calm Down” is a stunning ballad of female resilience. “Texas Man” perfectly captures the bubbly feeling of moving on. “For Her” and “March March” fit in with the frustrated, betrayed, power-centered theme of the record in a very different way. The Chicks’ dualistic ability to discuss her ex-husband’s cheating alongside the band’s political views is what makes the record special: not only are we watching a woman try to move on and develop her personal strength, but we are also seeing this personal strength harnessed for political impact. They simultaneously denounce the abuse of power in both politics and relationships, while reclaiming that power for themselves in standing up for what they believe in. How very Chicks of them. 
Dua Lipa, Future Nostalgia
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Dua motherfucking Lipa. This woman would have been the official owner of 2020 had we been able to dance to this record at bars and clubs. This was proven ten times over by the success of the album’s first single, “Don’t Start Now,” a song that is absolutely the MOST fun. Or so I thought… until I heard “Physical,” “Levitating,” and “Break My Heart.” What poor timing for such a phenomenal dance record, but at least she gave the people some great material for Tik Tok dances! All COVID-dance-related concerns aside, this is a really well done sophomore album for Dua Lipa. The funk elements of the album most clearly seen in “Levitating” elevate Dua’s brand of pop to a new level. The all gas no brakes nature of this dance-pop record works wonders for her - she knows what the people want from her, and she delivers. 
Megan Thee Stallion, Good News
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THIS! RECORD! If WAP could be an album of the year, it would be, but it’s a standalone single and Megan Thee Stallion proceeded to release the next best thing. The explosion of Megan Thee Stallion has been a pleasure to watch in 2020, with both WAP and Savage leaving the charge. With an artist like her, it’s easy to get lost in the smash hits and ignore the prolific nature of her work. “Good News” is an immaculate rap album, brimming with sass and defiant bad bitch energy. “Shots Fired” kicks off the album with a Biggie sample and a diss to the man who shot her in the foot earlier in the year, personally my favorite track of the record. Other highlights of the record include “Don’t Stop” with a Young Thug feature, “Body” which is now a Tik Tok staple, and “What’s New.” Perhaps the most impressive work Megan does on “Good News” is “Girls in the Hood,” a rework of Eazy-E’s Boyz-N-The-Hood. She inverts the classic misogyny of the original song by emphasizing her control over men like Eazy-E in an indignant assertion of female power. This embodies Megan Thee Stallion’s essence: busting in on a male industry and making her presence known.
Rico Nasty, Nightmare Vacation
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Nobody does it like Rico Nasty, and I’m convinced nobody ever will. I saw a New York Times headline titled “Can the Mainstream Catch Up to Rico Nasty?” the other day and I think the answer is a firm no. Rico is abrasive, rude, and outside the box in the absolute best way. Need an album to slap in the car when you’re feeling like a bad bitch? This. is. it. The record kicks off with “Candy,” a song with a wild beat and the iconic chorus line “Call me crazy, but you can never call me broke.” Following is a Don Toliver and Gucci Mane feature in “Don’t Like Me,” a song that truly should have hit the mainstream by now. She gets back to her signature scream-rap in “STFU” and “OHFR.” “OHFR” is the confident standout of the album, along with the reworked re-release of “Smack a Bitch,” making it clear that Rico Nasty is not a woman to be fucked with. In “Back and Forth” with Amine, Rico steps into Amine’s “Limbo” style and does it well. The record’s second single “Own It” is a more classic club banger that unfortunately didn’t get to see the dark of night in any clubs this year. Even if the mainstream never catches up to Rico Nasty, I’ll be following along with her self-labelled “sugar trap.” 
Ariana Grande, Positions
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I mean, duh. Ariana just doesn’t miss. She surprised everyone with this album’s release in Fall 2020, displaying the bliss of her relationship with later-confirmed fiance. She goes dirtier than usual in the sex-centered “34+35” and “nasty,” rounding the record out with the Craig David-reminiscent “positions.” Ariana allows herself to lust for someone and even love for them in these three, but defaults to her brimming self-confidence in “just like magic” and “west side.” The album is more R&B than pop at times, with the peak of this style visible in the groove of “my hair” and the Mariah Carey ballad-like nature of “pov.” Each album, Grande shifts just a little bit, keeping us attached: “Sweetener”’s cotton-candy pop, the savage pop-trap of “thank u, next,” and the R&B conclusion of the spectrum with Positions. 
Miley Cyrus, Plastic Hearts 
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This year I anticipated no record more than I did “Plastic Hearts.” Its leading single, “Midnight Sky,” described by Pitchfork as a “cocaine-dusted disco track,” channels Stevie Nicks’ eighties rock-pop era in the absolute best way. Apparently this opinion was even picked up by Stevie herself, as the two collaborated on a mash-up of “Midnight Sky” and Stevie’s “Edge of Seventeen” (the excitement from which nearly led to my passing away, by the way.) Cyrus’ voice is in the perfect place on this record, with “Plastic Hearts” emphasizing her rasp and making me want to spin around a room. She dips into the pop realm in “Prisoner” with Dua Lipa, a song that Lipa clearly influences with an unforgettably sexy music video. Every song is different on this record: “Gimme What I Want” channels the grinding rock sound of Nine Inch Nails, “Bad Karma” allows Joan Jett’s punchy style to run the show, and she slips on the shoes of Billy Idol in their collaboration, Night Crawling. Somehow, Miley manages to wear the shoes well, and 80s copycat record or not, I can’t stop listening. “Never Be Me” is where she shines most deeply, baring her soul, the complicated nature of her past few years’ journey, and her knowledge of who she is and always will be for the world to hear. I’m not sure if I’m blinded to the album’s flaws by my absolute and complete love for everything about Miley’s current persona, but I am a huge fan. 
Glass Animals, Dreamland
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The sound of this album is such a blissful respite! Glass Animals gives us the fun and funky techno-pop that they always do, but dive into personal lyricism in a way that they never have before. Many of the songs actually have a storyline (an intentionally rare feat for Dave Bayley, first broken with the incredible “Agnes” on their last album.) This record explores trauma and pain in “Domestic Bliss” and “It’s All So Incredibly Loud,” Bayley using the soft sides of his voice to express pained desperation. The boisterous energy of the past two records is not forgotten in Dreamland’s intimacy, however: “Hot Sugar,” “Tokyo Drifting,” and “Space Ghost Coast To Coast” do the trick. “Space Ghost Coast To Coast” is the most intriguing song on the record: at first listen, I had absolutely no idea what Dave was discussing and assumed it was just his typical neuroscience-inspired ear-candy. Upon a deeper dive, the song addresses the factors that encouraged Dave’s childhood friend to bring a gun to school. He disguises a discussion of the risk factors involved in school shootings within his flowery, figurative linguistic excellence. This duality of blissful melody and solemn subject matter is the magic of Glass Animals. 
Empress Of, I’m Your Empress Of 
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This album is an emotional electro-pop masterpiece. This record meditates on the feelings felt in the wake of a relationship’s end. She begins the album with a quote from her mother about the reality and value of struggle, then launching into a synth-filled storm of missing someone. “Love Is A Drug” is the album’s next fun dance track, addressing the addictive quality of touch after you lose someone you love and embodying the urgency of the feeling. She takes a more somber tone with the influence of Jim-E Stack in “U Give It Up,” incorporating quotes from her mother about the difficulty of womanhood and reminiscing on love lost. In “Should’ve,” the post-relationship regret is palpable in her vocal tone and production, and in “Maybe This Time” she contemplates this pain. In “Give Me Another Chance,” her emotions swing the other way, with a bouncing dance beat and pleading vocals. The album concludes with the heartfelt and pain-filled “Hold Me Like Water” and the dissonant “Awful,” leaving the listener to meditate on the mood swings of a broken relationship. 
Tame Impala, The Slow Rush 
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This album came out so early in 2020 that it already feels like a vintage piece of music. Perhaps that was the point. Although “The Slow Rush” had a hard time living up to Kevin Parker’s last epic masterpiece “Currents,” it was the fix many fans like myself needed after five years without an LP. “Borderline,” the single that allowed anticipation of the album to build, stands out as one of the most essentially Parker tracks of the record. He introduces a little Toro y Moi style funk in “Is It True,” and highlights his voice more than usual in “Lost In Yesterday.” “Posthumous Forgiveness” builds in the wonderfully dissonant fashion that fans learned to love through “Eventually.” The bass track on “Glimmer” is so good that I never even noticed it had nearly no lyrics. This record is not groundbreaking by any standards in the way that “Currents” was, but it is intentionally jubilant and energetic in a way that still feels good. Even if he doesn’t shatter any expectations in “The Slow Rush,” Tame Impala’s tracklist still makes the perfect sunset companion. 
Joji, Nectar
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Joji’s “Nectar” is just that: sweet R&B nectar, from the minute the first track plays. Joji’s work here is not in the individual tracks, but in the sonic experience he creates with the album as a whole. This is not an album to pick out singles from: it is a full cinematic mood adjustment. Maybe it’s the weed I smoked when I first listened, but the record feels like a wonderful progression of gentle yet rhythmic R&B songs. The transition from the soft and contemplative “MODUS” to the more upbeat trap-infused “Tick Tock” to the full R&B ballad “Daylight” featuring Diplo raises the listener’s energy gradually to a crescendo. “Run” is a gorgeous and sad confessional of disappointment, and “Sanctuary” follows as a soft and uplifting analgesic to that pain. “Pretty Boy” and “777” mark the more upbeat section of the record, filled with Joji’s accounts of living far too fast. The tracks of this record all bleed into each other seamlessly, mixing pain and confidence in an emotional rollercoaster.
Amine, Limbo
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My journey to being an Amine fan started with “Caroline,��� ended with “Heebiejeebies,” and started back up again when he found depth in “ONEPOINTFIVE.” His 2020 release is exactly why I came around to his music yet again. The record is soulful and fun, with the flute and cocky lyrics in “Woodlawn” and the funky beat and Young Thug feature of “Compensating.” The two songs I absolutely can’t stop listening to however, are “Can’t Decide” and “Becky.” “Can’t Decide” highlights Amine’s singing voice and dips away from rap and trap into the more traditional R&B realm. “Becky” is an intimate account of the difficulties involved with interracial dating, both in public and in the family realm. The two sides of the album, one emphasizing rhythm and immaculate production, and the other lyricism and emotion, are found in these two songs. The punchy “Pressure In My Palms” (featuring slowthai and Vince Staples) and “Riri” round out the record’s light side. In “Limbo,” Amine finds the perfect balance. 
Fleet Foxes, Shore
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This album is a wave of calm. Robin Pecknold’s soothing voice is exactly what we needed more of this year. Pitchfork described his mission as “turning anxiety into euphoria,” and that is how this record feels. Each song is dynamic and filled with what makes Fleet Foxes so special. There is a choral quality to the vocals of “Shore,” as always, adding to the calm aura of the record. “A Long Way Past The Past” takes the listener on a what feels like a long walk filled with serious conversation. “Going-to-the-Sun Road,” a song that takes its name from the famous cliffside road through Glacier National Park, oozes sunshine in its Tame Impala-Bon Iver crossover sound. “Cradling Mother, Cradling Woman,” truly feels like being cradled in sound. Fleet Foxes has a knack for beginning songs by hitting the listener with a wall of sound, and that is so perfectly represented in this track. This is a seriously beautiful album. 
Cam, The Otherside
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Cam’s voice is irresistible. She showed her talent for sharing painful ballads in her breakthrough single “Burning House,” and in “The Otherside” she digs deeper. She writes this record in a period of change, and captures this change and dissonance in the nostalgia of “Redwood Tree.” She teamed up with Avicii for the title track before he passed away, and it shows. His signature building melodies and guitar breaks are clear, and they go perfectly with the range of Cam’s voice. She truly shows her range in this track and this record in general, from the highs in “The Otherside” and the lows of “Changes.” “Changes” is another standout of the album, co-written by Harry Styles. This record is a gorgeous account of outgrowing love and outgrowing people after the deep bliss that you felt with them in the past. “Till There’s Nothing Left” and “Classic” are the big love songs of the record, one that melts you and one that makes you want to dance in a field of flowers. The sisterly confessional “Diane” pulls Cam back to her country roots. She ends the record with what made her famous: a beautiful, sad ballad backed only by piano. Her unique vocals are on full display as the record concludes, and I couldn’t have asked for anything more. 
Omar Apollo, Apolonio
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Omar Apollo had his breakthrough in this record. His work spans languages and genres in a big way in “Apolonio.” “Kamikaze” and “Staybacik” stick to his typical R&B style, better produced than it ever has been. “Dos Uno Nueve (219)” goes a completely different direction, a Mexican corrido track featuring Yellow Room Music, honoring the Latinx musical styles that he expressed admiration for. Apollo also explores his sexuality in this album, fluidly discussing his bisexuality in “Kamikaze” and “I’m Amazing” in an exploratory manner. The whole album is generally quite exploratory, a quality that makes me even more excited for the work that is to come from Apollo. 
Also worth mentioning: 
Diplo, Diplo Presents Thomas Wesley: Snake Oil
Thundercat, It Is What It Is
Sylvan Esso, Free Love
Lauv, ~how i’m feeling~
Niall Horan, Heartbreak Weather 
J Balvin, Colores 
Kelsea Ballerini, kelsea 
Dominic Fike, What Could Possibly Go Wrong
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randomfandomimagine · 5 years
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Out Of Your Shell (Rosa x Reader)
Character: Rosa Diaz
Fandom: Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Categories: Reader Insert, Female!Reader, Shy!Reader
Title: Out Of Your Shell
  Requested by anon:
Could you do a Rosa Diaz x fem!reader where Rosa is like undercover and has no contact whatsoever with the Nine Nine and then she comes back and the squad is in the briefing room with Rosa telling them about it. And then like R who is also a detective comes in and is all “Where the HELL have you been?!” And makeout sessions, tears and fluff ensues.
Requested by anon:
Hi I was wondering if you could do a Rosa Diaz x fem reader where the reader and Rosa are dating, but the reader is shy and Rosa helps them after they get a little hurt on a case?
That case turned out to be a lot tougher than I thought. I took a deep breath as the elevator arrived to the right floor. I clutched my side there where it hurt, grimacing at the painful memory of the incident in which I injured myself. But we arrested the perp, which was what mattered. Charles had insisted on me going back while he fixed everything else.
The doors opened and I slowly walked into the bullpen. I reminded myself that I only had to make a quick report to close the case, talk to Captain Holt and after that I could go home and get some rest. I was exhausted, and hopefully the captain wouldn’t mind that I left early after the stunt that I pulled today.
“Y/N!” Terry, being the closest –not counting Hitchcock and Scully, who were fast asleep on their chairs –, was the first to notice me. “You’re back, you okay?”
“Yeah, don’t worry” I tried to straighten up even if just breathing hurt me due to some definitely broken ribs. “Thanks for asking”
“Rosa will be back in no time” Jake probably noticed how I was staring at her desk, because he smiled as he demanded my attention. “She went to make some copies real quick”
“Okay” I muttered, embarrassed that it was so obvious. Yes, after the dangerous case I was looking forward to seeing her again. Even if our relationship didn’t go further from colleagues that sometimes flirted.
“Want me to get her?” He kindly offered, to which I quickly nodded.
Amy rushed to my side while Jake went to get Rosa. Santiago gingerly grabbed my arm and helped me sit down on my chair, where I heaved a tired sigh. My everything hurt, even if my ribs complained at my every move.
“Are you bleeding?” She was thoughtful enough to ask me. “You should go home”
“I will…” It hurt even to speak. “I just need to do my paperwork first”
“I can do it for you! When Charles gets back, he’ll tell me what happened”
“You don’t have to”
“I want to! You know I love paperwork”
“Thanks, Ames”
“Y/N?!” Rosa’s raspy voice immediately gathered my attention away from Amy.
“Hey” I weakly smiled up at her, feeling better already with the comfort of her presence.
“Don’t freak out, Rosa” Amy said for me, realizing I was too weak and tired to give an elaborate explanation. “She’s not hurt badly, I think she just broke a few ribs”
But Rosa completely ignored Amy and headed straight for me. She towered over me for a moment and then leaned down, her mouth dangerously close to mine. Alarmed by the daring gesture, I gasped and pulled away.
“I… I just want to rest” I looked around us, very aware of everyone staring, and blaming it on my current state and not the fact that the close call nearly gave me a heart attack. “Sorry that I worried you”
“I’m not worried” Apparently unconcerned, Rosa straightened up.
“J-Jake?” I piped up, focusing on leaving that moment behind.
“What’s up?”
“Could you tell Captain Holt I’m back?”
“Sure thing, buddy”
I felt Rosa’s dark eyes fixed on me and they deeply flustered me, so I deliberately kept my glance glued to the floor.
“Y/N?” She tugged at my arm and pulled me to my feet. “Break room. Now”
I grimaced at the sole act of being on my feet, but I nodded my head to her request. Still not locking eyes with her, I quietly followed her into the break room.
“Sit down” She told me as she paused to close to door. I obeyed in silence.
“Rosa, I-“ Feeling awkward and guilty, I wanted to apologize, but she interrupted me.
“What happened?” Rosa returned by my side, sitting in the couch and pulling me down so I would sit with her.
“Well, the perp got to me, he tackled me” I tightly held my sides, almost feeling the force of the impact still in my bones. “And he was two times my sizes, so I couldn’t shake him off me”
With surprisingly gentle hands, Rosa moved mine and carefully palpated my ribs.
“Charles was with you, right?” When I nodded, she continued. “Did he help you out?”
“Yeah” Rosa wasn’t the most cheerful person, but I could tell she was even more serious than usual, so I tried to lighten up the mood. “But I got my revenge on that guy later”
“Did you kill him?” She cocked an eyebrow in amusement.
“What? No! I arrested him” I rolled my eyes a little. “Well, Charles will bring him in later but I was the one that-“
“You’re right, you’re fine” Even if grimaced as her fingers softly dug in my sides, it was a relief to hear her say it. It meant she wasn’t mad at me for getting hurt.
I smiled to myself, realizing how quickly she dropped everything to look after me. Rosa stared at me and a soft frown occupied her brow.
“Why are you smiling about?”
“N-Nothing…”
“Y/N… Tell me”
“I just… You are worried”
I could have sworn that a faint blush came to her cheeks, but I knew better than to tell Rosa Diaz that she was blushing. Instead she clenched her jaw and sighed.
“So I think you have two broken ribs” To demonstrate her point, she put pressure in my side, making me yelp. “Yup, I’m pretty sure”
“Are you a doctor now too and I don’t know it?” When she glared at me a little, I bashfully smiled and averted my gaze. “You’re so mysterious, there’s so much I don’t know about you”
“You know how I feel about you” We made eye contact, and the corner of her lips curved up ever so slightly. It was a rare moment that I mentally treasured. “I think that’s enough”
I gave her a genuine grin, endeared by her honesty. The fact that she had admitted that meant the world to me. She hadn’t said the magic words, but it was a very Rosa way to say it and it was more than enough.
She leaned in again, but I got startled once more and leaned back. I feared I had upset her, but Rosa just rolled her eyes.
“I wish you would open up and let me freaking kiss you” She lightly punched my arm, to which I timidly chuckled.
“It’s… a bit ironic that I’m the one who needs to open up” I dared to say, to which Rosa laughed a little too.
My heart skipped a beat when I decided to take a chance and I leaned forward myself. Her lips were a dangerous target, but I thought her cheek was more approachable. Still, I shied away at the last minute.
She chuckled again, giving me a kiss on her cheek herself.
“Get some rest” And with that, Rosa left me alone in the break room.
*
After my little break, I returned to the precinct. I had been taking it a little slow after I got a little hurt last week, but I was getting back into it. Now I had coffee and was ready to do some paperwork and get back to my case.
I entered the bullpen and stopped at the sight that received me. It was surprisingly quiet and everyone was huddled around Gina’s desk. My gut told me something was wrong, and I clutched my coffee cup with shaky hands.
“Guys?” I spoke up, causing all of them to look over to me. “What’s going on?”
“Hey, Y/N” Jake said, his voice slightly high-pitched.
“You’re acting strange…” I could tell immediately, they all were.
“Nah” Charles stepped up next to his best friend. “Everything’s fine”
“No it isn’t…” Upon a brief scan I noticed someone was missing. They were all there: Gina, Amy, Holt, Jake, Charles, Terry… But not Rosa. “Where… Where is she?”
“You might want to sit down” Boyle softly told me.
“What happened?!” I slammed my cup against the nearest desk, unable to stomach even the coffee anymore.
“She went undercover on a case” Jake held his hands up to calm me down. “She agreed to give us a signal, to check in every hour and… Well, she’s missed two signals now”
I felt my legs shaking and I feared that they would stop holding my weight. Noticing this, Charles put a hand against my back to keep me up straight.
“Does that mean her cover’s blown? That’s she’s…” An involuntary gulped cut off my sentence as I couldn’t even say that out loud.
What if I never got to see her again? What if I never got to tell her how I felt? I had never actually told her! Maybe she knew, but if only I could have told her… We didn’t even get to kiss! I couldn’t just lose her like that…
“No, no” Jake vehemently shook his head. “She’s probably okay”
“Don’t worry, Y/N” Terry added, as I realized they were all watching my reaction. “If anyone can make it out of there, it’s Rosa”
I felt tears in my eyes, but I refused to start crying there in front of everyone. Nonetheless, the terrible thought of not seeing her again made me feel like I was choking.
“Try not to freak out, okay?” Jake told me. “She’ll be fine”
I closed my hands into fists, frustrated. How could he know that? How did he expect me not to freak out?! How…
But I didn’t say any of those things, not only because I couldn’t find my voice. But I also read that same restlessness I felt in his eyes. And in Charles’, and Terry’s, and Amy’s. We were all worried about Rosa, we all cared about her. I wasn’t the only one struggling to keep it together.
“C’mon” Charles’ hand kindly rubbed my back to comfort me. “Let’s get some fresh air”
*
I lost track of time, but it felt like several hours passed by. I was afraid to look at the clocks, worried that my perception made it tick by slower than I thought. Every second was agony as my brain tortured me with the many horrible scenarios and possible ways in which Rosa could have died.
Ever since Charles took me to the roof, I hadn’t moved from there. I was scared to go back too in case we got any bed news that I didn’t feel strong enough to face. Also, it was cold out there and I stupidly thought that being freezing would help me forget about Rosa. I wasn’t even making sense anymore.
I was so deep in my thoughts that I got startled and jumped when the door swung open. I turned to see Jake standing there, watching me.
“Y/N” Was all he said, but I immediately knew what he was there to tell me. I knew from his smile.
“Oh my god” I flew past him, absently patting him in the shoulder, and rushed back inside. I looked around, noticing all desks were empty. But the briefing room was full.
“Jake!” I uttered, turning to him as my heart began racing.
“Go!” He urged me with a smile.
And so I did, I sprint across the room and stormed into the briefing room. Everyone was there, surrounding a familiar figure with dark curly hair.
“Rosa” I breathed out, slightly winded from the dash.
She was already wearing her regular dark clothes, which told me that the undercover mission had been a success. Oh, I had so much to say to her. But not without lecturing her first. How dare she scare me and everyone like that? I hoped she had a good reason to miss the update signals to let us know she was okay!
“Sup, Y/N?” Rosa coolly sunk her hands on her pockets. “Missed me?”
When I saw her smirking, I wasn’t in control anymore. I had missed her so much, every single side of her. That smirk, her raspy deadpan voice, her hard dark eyes.
And she was there, alive and well. As beautiful as always, as strong and menacing as always. I chuckled, stupidly happy, and walked over to her with stern determination.
“What, were you worried about m-?” Before she could finish her sentence, I had held her by her black leather jacket and pulled her closer until our lips met.
That kiss was so magical, and it felt ten times better because my heart was beating like crazy, having thought I had lost her just a few minutes prior.
To my surprise, she wrapped her arms around me and brought me even closer to her, and I did the same. The kiss only deepened, and I thought I would go into cardiac arrest as it got more and more passionate.
“You” I pulled away, out of breath. “Where the hell have you been?!”
“They watched me like hawks, I couldn’t give the signals until the operation was over” Rosa leaned in to steal a kiss before she continued. “But I got them good”
“I sure hope you did”
“Why? Were you scared?”
“Oh, you’ve done it, Diaz”
We were about to kiss again when someone cleared their throat. It was then when I remembered that we weren’t alone in the room. I had completely forgotten that everyone was there, even Jake had returned.
“Um… Should we give you two some privacy?” Terry asked on behalf of everyone.
“N-No…?” I gulped, mortified that they had witnessed that.
“I’m glad I helped you come out of your shell” Rosa smirked, much to my annoyance.
“Shut up, Rosa…”
Tagging: @c-taylor-wanna-be-a-glader
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flipthispage · 7 years
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9 May 2017
I graduated from SP exactly a year ago and over the course of the year, many things happened, people came and left (as usual) but here’s to those who’ve played such a significant role in my life over the past year whether consciously or not but thank you simply for being you because you’ve helped me grow into someone I can honestly be proud of today. To:
My Roomie Thank you for the constant food deliveries because you’re scared I’ll forget to eat so I always wake up to breakfast on my table, & for the drinks that never fail to appear on Thursday mornings because you know I weak af & deffoz drank too much the night before. Thank you for the constant bitch-seshs that keep me sane during the school term because I’m honestly so done with school I swear I would drop out if I could (but then again so would you lmao).
Dino Club We rarely meet because we’re all in different schools/courses/countries with vv different school timetables we meet like once every few months (ok usually for birthdays) but thank you for being a constant source of support because I mean since we’re dying in Uni we might as well die tgt right? But thank you for always assuring me that I’m so much more than what I think I am, and deserve so much more than what I think I do. Thank you for always accepting me as I am & loving me exactly the way I am. 
Rabz Kids Y’all always provide the best 356s in CQ & for that, thank you for being my unorthodox Uni friends but “we work hard & we play hard” & I swear we’re all gonna make it outta Uni alive. Thank you for being the bunch of friends that show me that Uni isn't just all about the grades & always reminding me to throw myself into the various school activities because that’s what Uni is all about - the holistic education & experience. 
P.Oak I met y’all during hall FOC & tbh, I was v nervous & reluctant to come cos I’m an awkward turtle & was super scared I wouldn’t be able to click with y’all or make any friends but I’m so glad I grew some balls & came for camp (although I left halfway cos I fell sick & in the few days I was around, could barely participate cos I was sick af) but thank you for being so inclusive, & for being the most genuine friends I could ever find. Thank you for all the insane shit we decide to do like playing basketball & frisbee till 4am in the dark & overnight MJ sessions like we’ve no cares in the world. Thank you for the 2am talks we have that goes beyond the surface & y’all honestly give amazing advice although we’re all of different ages. Thank you for constantly saving my drunk ass, evacuating your room when I end up falling asleep cos I’m just tired af & for constantly making sure I eat well, sleep well & have friends to accompany me especially since my roomie is barely around. Thank you for the constant wake up calls so I have a minuscule chance of making it to class even if it means y’all having to climb 4 stories & wait for me to get outta bed which takes a full 10min. 
NTU Pool & Snooker I was reluctant to continue playing pool when I came to Uni but Leonard convinced me to & I’m honestly thankful that I did. Thank you for being some of the most concerned and genuine seniors I could ever ask for - from cooking & delivering it to me because I’m a loser & cannot cook, to walking from extension to my hall (& let’s just say i will never do that) because I’m hungry but rushing an assignment & macs didn't want to deliver to me, & for all your timely texts that assure me that I don’t have to go through everything alone.
Leonard, you’ve been there from the very start of my tertiary education & the friendship we share is unorthodox many cannot comprehend but thank you for fighting for this friendship. Thank you for the many times you convinced me to keep playing pool even when I was discouraged at my inabilities and ended up crying during training because I couldn't clear a drill, & for making the walk across campus because I was having a mental breakdown from trying to deal with school. 
Kristel, for the friendship we share that no one believes we only met 6 months ago. Thank you for studying hard & playing even harder with me throughout the semester, for being that assuring voice when I doubt myself, & constantly making sure that I do exactly what is best for me when I feel that I’m not doing enough for the people around me. 
& to my most recent friend/acquaintance, J, you brought some much laughter and smiles into my life when we met, but you were also the reason behind my broken heart, sleepless nights and the many days I spent, crying, wondering why I simply wasn't good enough. But nevertheless, thank you for coming into my life (& up till now, I don’t know if you’ve any intention of staying) because you taught me what it meant to let someone in emotionally, something I haven't done since my breakup in 2015. You showed me what it meant to allow yourself to be loved and to be vulnerable all over again and although you broke my heart, it gave me the chance to prove to myself exactly how strong I am. I’m mending this broken heart of mine & yes, there are days that I miss having you in my life the way you were when we met but for now, I’m healing and growing. But I’ll keep the promise I made from the very first day we met - that I’ll always be there for you no matter what & it’s a promise I intend to keep even if we do lose contact & I never see you again, should you need someone 5, 10 years down the road, drop me a text/call and I’ll be there. 
So a big big shoutout to all the MVPs (there are so many more but it’s getting late & I’m tired) but THANK YOU! & year 1 over and out. HELLO SUMMER!!
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School with the MAGCON boys pt 1
hey im Zahra. im 15 born and brought up in London, England. my father travels alot for work which means i have to go with him, my mother isnt here with me anymore she died while giving birth to me but ive learnt to stop thinking bout her as much...im proud of my father, although i may have been an accident he doesn't treat me like one, he treats me amazingly he’s been there for me through thick and thin, hes taught me so much and when we’re traveling from country to country ive been enrolled in so many classes, including self defense classes to help myself become a stronger female as a whole. I have the grades of a high level collage students so im basically never behind on my studies. my father had me at age 17 with my mum who was 16 at the time, they had the most beautiful love story yet so real, my father a man of his word, a gentleman he charmed my mother and they had me. after i was born my father didnt know what to do so i lived with my grandparents most of my life seeing my father come home from school tired but he always smiled when he saw me.
more on school. I was moving to a highschool in Chicago,i was looking forward to it but i felt that i would be very left out, i was the dork. my hair was black, long, thick and wavy with a few red highlights, my eyes were dark and my lashes were long. i had a very petite body, tiny waist and small hips. i was a decent height only 5′7ft  one could cal me innocent and i agree its ture heck i haven't even had my first kiss yet!
the school i went to was more of a local school with the usual crownds from what i could tell. There were the Jocks, popular bitchy girls, the nerds, emo’s and the “freaks”. i walk in with my Dad i wore blue jeans, a white top, bomber jacket, white vans, a small hand bag and my huge geeky glasses. i didnt wear much make up just a bit of eyeliner and highlighter. We were given a tour of the school, it wasnt that big but i knew i was still gonna get lost.
i get to my first lesson late. as always. I knock on the door and enter. “oh, and who must you be sweetie?” said the teacher at the front. 
“hello, im Zahra im new here.” i say, my British accent standing out.
“ok hunny! go have a seat and ill be right with you im Miss Dina,”
I Nod and take a seat at the back. that was the only available seat. i adjust my glasses and get a pen, pencil and ruler out of my bag. i look around realizing there were a few familiar faces. That’s when it hit me, i realized there were a few viners here, Matthew Espinosa, Jack J and Shawn Mendes. i look to my left and  felt a tingly sensation in my stomach as i took a closer look at who sat right beside me. Nash Grier. OMFG i felt really shy but then i snapped out of my shock and returned to what the teacher was saying.”Now Class who can Name the three enzymes needed for digestion along with their uses?”
my hand shot right up in the air without me thinking. “Yes Zahra?”
“the first enzyme is Carbohydrase this breaks down starch and sugar, the second is  Protease this breaks down proteins and lastly is lipase this breaks downs Fats and Lipids.”
“Excellent!”
i felt everyone’s eyes piercing at me i could feel my face slowly becoming a tomato. i felt really panicky and queasy, my panic attacks were bad but i didnt need one now of all times, ive barley been in the classroom 20 mins. i started to lower my adrenaline levels and i slowly returned to my normal state. I was given an exercise book to write in but i didnt need it. my grades were amazing and i already knew all of this. but i still wrote as much as i could. it was about 5 mins until the lesson was over so i started packing my things up.i  reaching my bag and looked at my planner, it was a small planner but it was sentimental to me it had pictures of me and my classmates in France, Germany, Beijing and Poland. I missed them but i cant get attached to people too quickly. its not good for me at all. I flip through the pages to see if i had any empty time slots that’s when  i saw a particular name pop up (my dad writes stuff in here to keep me on track) says the Jhonson family are coming for a meeting. i mean it was cool but i was praying that it wasn’t the family of the person who i think it is. I her my pencil drop on the floor and i lean under the table to look for it. “uh.. here.” i look up and Nash was holding the pencil. i take it from him and put it in my bag. “Thanks...”
“So your british?”
“yeah. well i havn’t seen London in 6 years...” I reply.
“ what do you mean?” he asked me.
“I Travel alot, so i go to a few different schools in different countries, but im usually home schooled if my dad is free.”
the bell rings and our class was dismissed. I head out of the classroom and start walking through the hallway, i see a crowd of guys. i push through them minding my own business before i hear a few murmers. “Thats the new chick!” another voice said “Damn she looks finee” i hear another say “She’s probably a hoe” i feel anger build up inside me waiting to be released. but i just keep walking faster and faster. 
----Later----
It’s lunch time and im alone. So much for being socially awkward. I had a lunch packed in my bag, Salad and water along with a small can of pringles. i look for somewhere to sit but everywhere was taken... i felt like shit but then again Having no one to leave is better than having a ton of friends who ill have to say goodbye to. I feel a light tap on my shoulder i turn around and see a girl she looked a little older than me but definitely around 16 or 17. she had curly hair and freckles.”Hey! I haven’t seen you around are you new..?” she says with a bit of cheer in her voice. “Why yes im Zahra, and you are?” i ask her. “My name is Mahogany LOX im 16 you ca Call me LOX, your accent is adorable!!”she squeals. “Thanks...” i say. “come sit with me and Shawn.” 
I followed her to a table where she sat down next to Shawn. she introduced me to him and we all were like bestfriends.. the vibes they were giving out were so warm and positive. I talked to them about life and school and about who i am and what i like to do. i felt like i could talk to them for hours. We ended up swapping numbers at the end of lunch. my last lesson of the day was calculus which meant more stuff i already knew. 
----end of the day----
it seemed like Mahogany and Shawn got along with everyone but i seemed to be the awkward one. i was walking out to the parking lot of the school when im approached by Jack G. “Hello there...” 
“Uh.. hi?” i say
“So you wanna met up some time late and go to my place?” he says with an arrogant tone.
“Sorry im not Netflix and chill sessions and by the way i dont think im gonna let you into my pants that quickly.” I say.
he attempts to put his arms aroung my waist before my fighting instincts kick in and i grab his hand and twist it. he   shrieked in pain and moved aside.
“So i see your playing hard to get...” he says with a little bit of annoyance in his voice.
“No i just dont fall for fuckboys like you.” i walk to my bike and cycle home.
i get home and put my helmet on a little table by the front door. “PaPa are you home?!” i shout across the house.
“im in the kitchen hunny! go put something nice on we have guests coming over!” My dad says.
“Ok dad but promise me you wont bring up anything to do with my grades” i say.
“how can  i not when i have such an amazing daugher?” he asks.
“whatever dad im going upstairs see ya in 5 mins”
i run up to my room and look through my cupboard. i choose a pastel blue dress with a pair of black tights and i put my hair up in a pony tail leaving my fringe out.. i run downstairs and join my dadin the kitchen. i sit on a chair and watch him cook. “so how was your first day?” he asks.
“a bit awkward at first but actually pretty good. and i made two friends.” i say with a little grin on my face.
“Any boys?” he asks with a bit of sarcasm in his tone.
“Dad if there were i would’ve told you, but as i said for the millionth time, guys aren’t into me im ugly.” my cheer went down and he turned around and hugged me.
“my beautiful girl is growing up thinking she’s ugly? im a terrible father!!!”
“No papa your an amazing dad!”
“My baby girl is growing up... i will always love you. you look just like your mother. you know that right?” i see his eyes glisten with tears.
“I know dad... i know. now dont cry otherwise im gonna get emotional!” i say trying to put a little bit of humor into the situation.
“Well i thnk ive passed on the wrong genes. have fun dealing with being an emotional wreck.” i see him smiling and i giggle.
the door bell rings and i run to answer the door and i see a woman with a smile on her face standing there holding the hand of who i presume was her husband, and right there i saw...Jack.
“Mr and Mrs Jhonson?” i plastered a fake smile and shook their hands. my dad came from no where and escorted them to the dining room. I walk tot the dining room and get my phone out before my dad starts speaking. “This is my daughter Zahra shes just been enrolled iin our local Highschool.”
“She’s in my biology class” Says Jack. 
i look up and look back down at my phone and start texting Mahogany.but no reply. i go up to my room and sit downon the windowsill as i watch the clouds slowly shift out of sight. i sit there for about 20 min until i hear knocking on the door.i walk over to the door and open it. “Hey..” jack said leaning on the door frame. 
“What do you want?” i say slightly annoyed.
“just wanna chill...” he says trying to act cool.
“Well i have better things to do and besides do you really wanna end up like your friend or worse?” i say slamming the door.
---- 2 hours later ----
Finally they’re gone and now i can return to my normal life. i get ready for bed and put on my “more revealing” night wear on. i fall asleep at 9:30 setting alarm for 6:30.
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