#yes I know I probably need therapy to unpack a lot of this
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ed/stede + edizzy + edward's bipolar
oh man the first three episodes of season 2 are. wow. okay. much to unpack. more fuel for my Edward Has Bipolar Theory.
DISCLAIMER: i am not a clinician, nor do i hold any degree in the psychology field. this meta is purely drawn from my own experience with diagnosed bipolar i, alongside what i've learnt in years of therapy as well as reading bipolar books/articles and peer-reviewed research papers. above all, this meta is for fun; please do not use this as a self-diagnostic.
this meta is broken up into sections:
the intro section
the bipolar section
the codependency section
the season 2 speculation section
The Intro Section
right away, the admittance of edward hating himself & feeling unloveable recontextualizes everything. his dynamic with stede & the crew, his dynamic with his own crew, his dynamic with izzy.
because like. hi hello?? when izzy says "you know me better than anyone else, and i daresay the same is true for me to you" it's just. a nail in the coffin. one of many nails. here's why.
it took an insane amount of vulnerability for edward to open himself up to stede in season 1. it took a lot out of him to even accept stede's love, and then believe it to be real. he believed that just for one moment in his scarred life, he was someone worth loving, baggage and all. as he himself was. for who he was. stede saw him and loved him and accepted him. if edward had been there to hear when lucius said to stede that the time edward spent with stede was the best it'll ever be for him, edward probably would've agreed.
which is. oh man. it would be a bit of a thin ice situation, wouldn't it? that's fucking bleak.
before we get into that, we need to dissect the dysfunction in the edizzy dynamic. i mean it's all tragic, all toxicated, especially with the downward spiral edward's on. so why examine it? what is there to examine?
the downward spiral began in season 1, became abated by stede & the crew, only to jumpstart at the end thanks in part to izzy. so we need to examine why, because edizzy's dysfunction plays a role in all of this mess.
it's undeniable izzy triggered edward, yes, but look a little further. edward's irritability, his emptiness, his substance abuse, the sudden shift in gears between his erratic moods. the crew walk on eggshells around him, because his behavior in season 2 so far is reckless, dangerous, and suicidal. there's pressurized speech patterns and racing thoughts present and they intermingle alongside low-energetic periods when he isolates. above all, he feels hopeless. overwhelmed by a sea of loneliness. fang starts the season off being unable to recognize him.
on the flipside, in season 1, he's on the tail-end of a low when we meet him. listless, bored, passively suicidal before he swings the other way. with stede & the crew he's up in the clouds. he's affable, he's happy, he's social. there's hope for change. he tries new things, laughs, even falls in love. he imagines a life for himself outside of piracy. there's impulsive actions such as the act of grace and impulsive thoughts like sailing to china. even when stede leaves him, edward grieves at a healthy-looking level. in episode 5, when edward's mood first shifts, fang doesn't recognize him in the elevated state.
the point is, edward feels things in the extreme. he lacks emotional regulation. "uncharacteristic" high highs and low lows.
how he reacted to izzy's trigger — "this is blackbeard" — is disproportionate until you piece together two puzzle pieces:
edward likely has bipolar + his core beliefs (self-loathing/feeling unloveable) throw oxygen into the flame of his relationships.
The Bipolar Section
to get on the same page here, let me provide a few Basic Oversimplified Definitions (here is a pdf of the DSM-5 for a scientific understanding, scroll to page 168. please do not use this PDF or meta as a self-diagnostic. contact a clinician/psychiatrist if you have questions or feel you need an evaluation):
bipolar disorder: a chronic, lifelong mood disorder characterized by manic highs and depressive lows. fluctuations in moods are extreme and, depending on subtype, can inhibit functionality. it can be managed today with medication and psychotherapy.
manic episode: lasting one week or more, this is the high highs. the mood is elevated or irritable. if severe, it can include psychosis/psychotic features such as hallucinations, paranoia, and/or delusions. mania belongs to subtype Bipolar I.
hypomanic episode: lasting at minimum four days straight, this is a lesser high than manic. it does not include psychosis/psychotic features, nor does it inhibit functionality. hypomania belongs to subtypes Bipolar I and Bipolar II.
depressive episode: lasting two weeks or more, this is the low lows. anhedonia and major depression are hallmarks of a depressive episode. depression belongs to all three subtypes of bipolar (the third subtype being cyclothymia).
mixed episode: best of both worlds. a person experiencing one may possess high levels of energy — such as pressurized speech — while simultaneously feeling overwhelmingly low and suicidal. a mood may flip from elated to hopeless on a dime.
euthymia: a mood state that is stable, without (hypo)mania or depression. it is a neutral baseline which occurs between episodes.
IMPORTANT NOTE: bipolar disorder is more complex than "just a mood swing". mood swings are situational, while bipolar presents even without situational factors. think about how, in season 2, edward has got his hair in a messy updo, cleans his cabin, swears off drinking & drugs, and is smiling. he explains to frenchie that he's decided to change after a rough night. then it cuts to a flashback of him the night before lying on the floor bawling his eyes out. the scene is played for laughs, however that is a textbook bipolar mood fluctuation. you go to bed hopeless and you wake up on top of the world, or vice versa. edward's situation hadn't changed in the hours between him crying and his conversation with frenchie.
(it can be argued that he thought izzy had died, but i don't think he believed frenchie had truly finished the job. why else had he grilled frenchie? he was sweating frenchie out, testing frenchie's loyalty. "you don't think i know the smell of my rotting former first mate?" edward knew izzy was alive the entire time).
like with almost every disorder, bipolar disorder presents itself differently in different people. in my experience, when i am in either a depressive or manic episode, two different outlooks may occur:
it becomes hard to remember what life was like on the other emotional end. (i.e. when manic, i tend to downplay my prior depressive episode).
i become hyperaware of the other emotional end, so i try to either get it to happen or prevent it from happening. (i.e. not wanting to become depressed, so i'll do XYZ).
i mention these outlooks because they're common. when you're in it, you're in it; when you're out, you're out. the first outlook is something edward's actions point to him experiencing, too, as evidenced in season 2 with his extreme suicidal behavior. he's in it in it.
the ups and downs in bipolar are difficult for the person struggling with the disorder. often, it feels uncontrollable. the symptoms — especially the ones which risk becoming severe like hopelessness or distractibility — are a challenge to cope with. during the high highs, your brain feels like it's frying. during the low lows, your brain feels like dense fog. therefore it's common for people to turn to substances to help alleviate what they're experiencing, and/or they partake on an impulsive whim. drastic life changes also may occur in an attempt to "fix" or "control" the disorder. severe episodes, when left untreated, may ruin or end people's lives. people with bipolar disorder are 15x more likely to commit suicide than the general population.
people who do not have bipolar themselves yet are close to someone with bipolar may also experience related difficulty. it may feel overwhelming to witness episodes occur with little to no understanding or tools on how to help. it may also feel stressful to try and gauge what state the other person is in. "walking on eggshells" is a common descriptor for the experience when the bipolar is unmanaged. that does not mean the person with bipolar disorder is automatically bad/abusive/harmful, it just means the disorder is a disorder. it interferes with daily functioning, causes distress, and impacts interpersonal relationships.
at the end of season 1, izzy hit edward where it hurts (edward's self-loathing, intertwined with the role of blackbeard) while edward was in what i believe to be a euthymic state (calm). now with their recontextualized relationship, we also see the underlying message of: "i serve blackbeard, he is my captain." -> "edward isn't good enough for my love".
izzy loves edward, but he's made it clear in season 1 it was for edward's blackbeard persona. or was it? you see, i don't believe that claim to be entirely true anymore, not after the first three episodes of season 2.
i believe a more accurate reading would be that in season 1, izzy was concerned, jealous, and vindictive. all in that order. the above underlying message weaponizes edward's separation of Edward and Blackbeard against edward. more on this later.
in season 2, izzy is just plain concerned ("we're worried for you"). he tries a different approach at managing edward's unstable mood. he goes for a softer attempt ("i have...love for you") because maybe, maybe it could work. it worked with stede. when it backfires, he ditches it and goes right back to bluntness ("the atmosphere's fucked!"). he also refuses to kill edward despite everything edward's put him through.
both seasons' motives were not for blackbeard, but for edward.
when we meet them in season 1, their relationship is dysfunctional at best. their baseline dynamic before stede is best depicted during episode 4.
in the model ship scene, edward's excited about stede's stuff, restlessly moving, unable to focus, appearing happy even though he's a hair-trigger away from irritability. he purposefully avoids or dismisses izzy's concerns about dying. he feels bored and trapped ("is this all there is?"), then feels frustration over feeling trapped, citing that he's blackbeard and blackbeard shouldn't feel trapped.
later in the episode, izzy frustratingly points out that edward's moods are "increasingly erratic" and something that izzy himself has had to manage. izzy also states that he's followed edward's every whim for years, and smoothed over their crew for him. edward, again dismissive, says "sounds stressful, izzy". izzy says it is but he felt honored to do it all for blackbeard, who is the greatest sailor he's ever known. this ties into their codependency, which i'll go over later on.
at this point in time, "edward" and "blackbeard" are synonymous, the names are just different titles reserved for different settings. edward himself doesn't see a distinction until stede — a person he respects — consistently treats him like Edward and not like Blackbeard. edward's identity to Blackbeard separates because he opens himself up to the possibility that Edward is someone worth knowing. Blackbeard, once a healthy coping mechanism created to survive in the pirating world, had soured somewhere along the way into an unhealthy coping mechanism. it became more of a cage than a home.
but to izzy, "blackbeard" is a good thing to be because it's an accomplishment of edward's. they built their whole careers and lives around it. when izzy says he's honored to sail with blackbeard, the greatest sailor out there, he says it to try and bring edward back to himself. it's his botched attempt at grounding/helping edward. if edward can be reminded of how great he is, reinforced by his accomplishments under the name blackbeard, maybe he'll snap out of his funk. if edward values izzy, loves izzy how izzy thinks edward does, he'd see the weight behind the compliment. izzy doesn't sail for just anybody.
it's botched entirely because any time edward tries to voice how "blackbeard" really makes him feel, izzy dismisses/minimizes/mocks it. he isn't supportive to edward because he feels threatened in two parts: that edward finds stede fascinating, and that edward is making a drastic life change for both of them based on yet another mood whim.
to izzy, edward becoming Edward and ditching Blackbeard would mean izzy's lost control of the situation, which means izzy's lost control of edward, which means no one will have control of edward. not even edward himself. this is yet another facet of izzy's codependency.
side note: speaking of names, in the calico jack episode, we know "ed" is a nickname edward doesn't allow people to call him. the only two people who call him "ed" are stede and izzy.
so that begs the question: why did izzy call edward "eddy" in season 2? where the hell does that nickname come from? why does edward use it on himself when he was struggling in purgatory?
based on these two conversations in episode 4, we can glean both sides of the situation. on one side is edward, who is struggling mentally and whose work is deteriorating because of it. on the other side is izzy, who is equal parts concerned about edward and frustrated at him because he isn't functioning as well as he used to, leaving izzy to clean up his messes. since this has been a years-long tension point, they are both at the end of their ropes. about to snap.
that is how we meet them.
from then on, edward begins falling for stede, and his mood shifts. he begins functioning better. stede is genuinely good for him. stede, with his different view on life, provides emotional balance and radical acceptance and a general softness that edward's been missing. he is supportive, he is kind, and he treats edward like edward isn't broken.
but stede is not accustomed to pirate life or its reality. he's naive to the point of foolish. foolish to the point of fatality. and izzy sees those flaw points right away. it's a red flag to him because how can edward — passively suicidal edward — be trusted to not take advantage of stede's naivety and steer them all into a doomed situation?
edward's relationship with stede is also where izzy's jealousy kicks into gear, clouds his judgement.
i mean, shit, wouldn't anyone feel slighted? if you devote your life to a man, stick with him through thick & thin, feel responsible for both of your lives, go above and beyond, worry over his wellbeing, put him before yourself....just for him to run off with a wannabe pirate.
a wannabe pirate who has only known your man for a fraction of the time you and your man have been together. his weeks compared to your years. yet somehow he gets your man's good side, gets the love you desperately want.
of course izzy's seething. wouldn't anyone?
it makes sense for izzy to sell edward and stede out to the british navy. he's spiteful, vindictive. bet there's a bit of hurt pride to it, too. it's fucked! it's a terrible thing to do!
his motive here boils down to, once again, keeping edward alive. cleaning up what he perceives to be another mess. sell stede out, keep edward where he can see him. izzy hates spanish jackie's, he hates the navy, he doesn't enjoy any of it. this is his hail mary, his last ditch effort.
of course it backfires. royally. no one expected edward to call for an act of grace. to sign away his life. izzy tries to stop him, but edward goes where stede goes. and soon after that, edward returns without stede.
and soon after that, the situation deteriorates. edward's launched into a severe mixed episode, triggered by the compounded stress of stede leaving and izzy's rejection of Edward. pressurized speech, emptiness, irritability, suicidal behavior, increased goal-directed activity...he ping-pongs between mania and severe depression. this is more than a break-up.
edward struggles with emotional impermanence. when stede's right in front of him, kissing him, edward feels secure that stede loves him. but when stede doesn't meet him at the dock? Stede Never Loved Me.
another example: izzy. when izzy obeys edward's orders, edward feels secure that izzy loves him. but when izzy speaks up or disagrees? Izzy Never Loved Me.
"he was your friend," jim tells edward, in reference to edward's awful treatment of izzy. but edward, at this intersection of a severe mixed episode + emotional impermanence, can't see that.
he burns his bridges left and right. destroys everything because he's lashing out in pain and he doesn't think he deserves anything good. Blackbeard? sure, he'll be Blackbeard. Blackbeard is all he'll ever be anyways. a killer, a pirate, a crazy captain who does too much rhino horn.
edward hates himself so fiercely that he only finds relief during the storm, right before he believes he's going to die. "finally."
The Codependency Section
edward's relationship with izzy was always going to end in destruction.
they both love each other, we have canon confirmation of this. "i have...love for you" and "i loved you best i could".
edward's confession is critical here, because he did love izzy as best as he could. there exist moments between them that shine light into possible happier times. the way edward talks to izzy to placate him in season 1 when izzy packs a dinghy, even if manipulative at the time, requires intimate knowledge on what izzy would be receptive to. david jenkins mentioned that it was izzy who helped doll edward up for the season 1 ball, an offscreen act of intimacy. edward tries unsuccessfully to connect with izzy over stede's model ship and the clouds. the casual way edward says "i had a dream about you last night."
"best i could." if edward hated himself less, he could have loved izzy more. if he believed he was deserving of love, he could have accepted the fact izzy loves him.
so they both love each other, but love is not enough to combat self-hate. it just isn't. the only opponent to self-hate is self-compassion.
self-compassion is a process you have to choose for yourself. you must work on it yourself, hopefully with the aid of an external support system. self-compassion is separate from self-love and other forms of love because, oftentimes, people who operate under the core belief of Being Unloveable also operate under an assumption that love is conditional. "i'm not enough" / "i'll never be enough" / "i don't deserve love" / "i'm too much". it's unrealistic for someone to jump headfirst into healing when that healing is programmed with restrictions. we are our own worst critic. so to practice self-compassion is to soothe that inner, hater critic until we heal ourselves enough to get to a place where we can practice unconditional love on the neglected self.
the conditional love aspect is one that is modeled. edward grew up in an abusive household. abusers hold their victims out on a string of conditions. furthermore, his mother rejected his interest in fine things by saying that it's not "for people like us". it makes sense for edward to internalize an "i'm not [rich/nice/good/etc] enough" message, thereby shutting himself out.
he continues to shut himself out in the aftermath of killing his alcoholic father. he doesn't tell anyone about the traumatic event — an oscillation into "i'm too much" — until he opens up to stede.
so here you have an unloveable boy, the victim of domestic violence and the killer of his own father, going into the chaotic world of pirating. a world — put so eloquently by calico jack in season 1 — where everyone fucks each other over. where trust is a prized, rare currency.
and somewhere along the way, he and izzy find each other. and they stick together for years.
both edward and izzy bottle their emotions up and then blow up on each other. it's so completely different to how stede & the revenge crew operate. it's years of miscommunication and mutual resentment between them, caused in part due to their pirate enviornment. their pattern is hot and cold. reactive.
izzy smooths over things with the crew -> edward is dismissive of izzy -> izzy blows up on edward and resigns -> edward convinces izzy to stay -> edward begins falling for stede -> izzy and stede fight over edward's heart -> izzy gets exiled for losing, edward says nothing -> izzy goes vindictive mode and sells edward/stede out to the navy -> edward hates izzy's guts -> edward comes back without stede, depressed -> izzy smooths over things with the crew -> edward is dismissive of izzy -> izzy blows up on edward and triggers him -> edward convinces izzy to stay through violence
it's that one friend who keeps returning to their shitty partner — on again/off again —, only here they both are the shitty partner.
the thing about unhealthy relationships is that they provide a layer of comfort. it's known territory. which is why, when an unhealthy relationship morphs into a codependent one, it is incredibly difficult to break out of them.
codependency definition: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.
like conditional love, codependency is learned/modeled inside of a dysfunctional family setting.
it works a bit like an ouroboros in that it's an infinite loop. the codependent partner compulsively takes care of their struggling partner in the hopes they get better. this role of "caretaker" makes them feel needed/wanted, ergo filling their own low self-esteem void. however, all the rescuing does is enable the struggling partner further into self-destruction.
sound familiar?
izzy is edward's caretaker. izzy is codependent.
important note: no one feels good inside of a codependent relationship. there may be positive periods, yes, but codependency is primarily stressful for both parties involved.
in order to blossom, codependency relies on low self-esteem.
we know edward oscillates with his self-esteem, but we don't talk about how low izzy's self-esteem is.
izzy doesn't have an identity outside of edward, with the exception of being one of the best swordsmen in the pirating world. of course, this exception is taken from him when edward cuts his toes off.
izzy is high-strung with a compulsive need for control. things must be done when he orders them to, to the high standards he creates. do not question his authority. this compulsion is exasperated by edward's uncontrollable mood shifts.
izzy rolls with the punches, metaphorically and literally. he shuts down attempts at comfort, evidenced by his knee jerk reaction when fang hugs him in season 2. "i'm fine. unhand me. unhand me!" he doesn't allow himself to fully break down and cry. the tears only appear in this scene, and when edward attempts to get izzy to kill him.
loyal to a fault, izzy threatens to leave, goes to leave, but never leaves. he gets casted out, so he devises a plan to return instead of, i don't know, creating a new life for himself. even when edward maims him, he stays.
so is this loyalty? or is this a belief that this is what he deserves? or maybe it's loyalty born from the belief that this is all he's deserving of.
a hit dog will holler, and boy does izzy holler when questioned. about his role, about himself, about who he is to edward.
so who is izzy without edward?
"you know me better than anyone else and i daresay the same applies with me to you." is an insane thing to say because izzy does know edward, but only the version of edward he stitched his skin to. the unstable, erratic version that needs help, and who he subconsciously sabotages with enablement.
and edward does know izzy better than anyone else because izzy's consumed by him.
if edward could not accept izzy's love in a direct form, then the roles izzy inhabits are his only outlet. Caretaker, Punching Bag, First Mate. 50 ways to say I Love You and none of them are healthy.
they both are violent with each other, drag each other down, but can't quit even when they know that they function better separated. codependency is an addiction, and like an addiction, the only way for this to end was in rockbottom or death.
The S2 Speculation Section
going back to the very top, here's why i say this thing with ed/stede is on thin ice right now: without edward working on his self-compassion, their relationship runs the risk of devolving into yet another unhealthy dynamic.
stede has decent self-esteem, an identity outside of edward, so i don't think they'll ever become codependent. stede also doesn't try to fix or enable edward. again, stede is genuinely good for edward.
i think the Mer!Stede scene was amazing, vital in balancing the heavy topic of suicide/death with the overarching comedy genre of the show. love saves lives, without love the world is bleak. who are we as humans without connection?
that being said, i personally want to see edward heal before jumping into a full-blown romantic/sexual relationship with stede. he deserves to choose himself, nurture Edward, and figure out how to manage his moods. especially since his last relationship with izzy was so tumultuous.
speaking of izzy, i also want to see izzy find himself and heal, too. he needs to learn how to let go. i'm hoping he'll build up his self-esteem in his own way, doing something he's good at (maybe as a sword-fighting instructor?).
either way, i trust the direction this show will go in. they've done well so far in their depictions of mental health and the impact of mental health. it'll be interesting to see the rest unfold.
#1:35 AM and i've finally finished this meta. wow. anyways#hope this made sense!!!! i'm open to clarify/explain points further if needed#ofmd#our flag means death#edward teach#izzy hands#stede bonnet#edizzy#and i look at edward struggling with bipolar disorder and i think to myself: he's just like me fr
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Random but, any hcs about Kon and his life in Smallville with the Kents?
I'm just going to make a list and babble :) Here's some HCs including bits with Bart bc they did live only 4 hours away.
1.) Not closeting, not in the way people use the term anyway - it was a necessary time that Kon so desperately needed. He needed a place to be someone OTHER than Superboy because he could no longer function without that off-switch.
2.) Kon always had shown interest in his comics of living a life without the Superboy question and being "normal" but it was very rocky for him so I feel like his early transition with the Kents were likely no different. Ma and Pa likely had to endure his dramatics, mood swings and outbursts of anger as he adjusted to being Conner Kent and living in a space that had consistent RULES. This is not to say he was just suddenly dropped off with strangers, because he wasn't, he knew Ma and Pa beforehand having spent a little time on the farm.
3.) If you guys thought Bart was bad at first, Kon was probably worse as Kon had years of baggage to unpack.
4.) We didn't get to see anything substantial of those early days with him with Ma and Pa but we saw small glimpses of him just not appreciating Smallville and thought it was "boring" and outright claimed to have hated it. It's a big adjustment.
5.) Suddenly coming to the realization that he was SAFE where he was and could just BE without suddenly having a fist in his face was one hell of a day...
6.) Yes we all should mock the cishet jeans and t-shirt look but he really was trying to figure out who he was without Superboy as a factor. I don't think Kon ever really does solidly figure it out as Superboy will always BE a part of him and part of his core identity and it's a balance he needed to try to find out - even if it meant going to one extreme side of the spectrum.
7.) To tie into #6 Kon found out he really does have an All or Nothing personality when living with the Kents.
8.) He's allergic to goat products - boy of steel he may be but even he is not immune to goat intolerance. There is no evidence of this, this is a true HC. He found out because Ma had goat milk and he decided to try it with... bad results.
9.) I am obsessed with Kon in his 2011 solo taking the time to WALK to school instead of flying or running or taking the bus - Smallville really brought him down to Earth even though he already was a child of Earth. It grounded him and put a lot of thinks for him into perspective.
10.) Going back to those early days - he reached out to Bart a lot to vent and ask for advice of how Bart coped with Max. They BOTH went from never having to worry about hiding their secret ID and doing WHATEVER they wanted to suddenly having to worry about preserving their identity and operating in an environment with rules that were the antithesis of what they were used to.
11.) Kon's entire first few months with the Kents were literal immersive therapy and I am furious we did not get to see this - this would have made an incredible comic.
12.) Adhering to comic canon I feel like it was during this deconstruction of who he is he realized he was queer. To the surprise of no one.
13.) His first gift to Ma and Pa was a quilt he made himself - you can take artistic-Kon from my cold dead hands. He made it at school in secret.
14.) Clark was a cryptid in Smallville when he was a teenager and Kon really was no different as his deeds throughout town resurface those old rural myths that began 30-ish years prior.
15.) I ignore any and all parallels that Simon was set up to be Kon's Lex Luthor and instead he becomes his BEST civilian friend. We do however find out that Simon's parents were scientists that helped make Kon - Kon has mixed feeling about this at first but he knows he can't blame Simon.
16.) Even Kon cannot help going back to old shenanigans with Bart and they make crop-circles - well they DID before Clark told them to stop - the killjoy.
17.) Cows make him nervous - look - he knew they existed but he wasn't aware of how BIG they were and he knows he is strong enough to pulverize them into instant bouillon but that still did not prepare him for the fact that they are megafauna that you have no control over.
18.) Kon will always take out a tornado - no he doesn't care if it's a small one - he's not going to sit back and watch someone's house be subjected to damage the tenants may or may not be able to afford. If there are TWO tornadoes at the same time he gets into a contest with Bart over who can neutralize them first.
19.) Going back to his acclimation - there was a lot Kon had to sort of unlearn when he started living with the Kents. Stuff he learned from being with Rex Leech, and during his time at Cadmus under Jim. He finally learned what it was like to be a normal person instead of a parody of what a normal person was.
20.) During October, Kon got really.... really.... into making the BEST corn maze. No, seriously, stupidly competitive. Like, not only did he want it to be complicated but he also for an added flavor made Bart chase people around with a de-bladed chainsaw. People think Kon hired like 7 dudes to do this but it's literally just Bart. He also made sure to decorate it with fake blood, webbing, and busted out fog machines just for an added flavor of spookiness.
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Another Time (Chapter 13/14)
ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE TEN ELEVEN TWELVE
Summary: Jake wakes up in Rooster's body ~30 hours post-Mission and they have to deal with it. They're adults. Apparently.
(Posting on Tumblr, chapter a day until it's complete, after it's complete I will post it on AO3 once a day until it's completed there as well).
Odd chapter = Jake POV, Even chapter = Bradley POV
THIRTEEN
Jake has a fiberglass cast and strict instructions to rest with it up as much as possible. The soft-tissue damage isn’t as bad as they first feared, but they need to fix the bone first. Pheonix had taken far too much joy in slapping a pair of boardshorts on his chest, covered in a horribly bright and garish print for him to change into so they could set his leg. They’re clearly Bradley’s and he looks ridiculous with his khaki uniform top and board shorts on the bottom. He’s allowing the wheelchair only because he can use a hospital blanket to cover them up. He really hopes he doesn’t have to go through all the physical therapy that it’s going to take, although he guesses if this… thing with Rooster pans out he’s going to be there anyway. Wants to be there.
He used to think he had taste, but Rooster is… he groans. As a person he’s actually good. Decent, for all the baggage he’s apparently dragging around with him. The whole clothing choices are just dressing, and he knows he’d rather have a good person with bad taste in clothes than a bad person with good taste in clothes. He’s been fooled by window dressing before. Fuck. He hopes he doesn’t have to talk about that. He lets the nurse wheel him out the waiting room and spies a wide-eyed Maverick (clearly now in the know with the hunted looks he’s swinging between himself and Rooster).
“Uh, Roo- Bra-“
“Say it a little faster and you’ll sound like a clown horn,” Jake supplies and then Rooster is swatting him on the shoulder and he supposes he should probably be nicer to his… Rooster’s… dad? Oof. That’s a whole carrier load of shit to unpack there and he’s going to avoid it for as long as possible.
“Hey, you ready to go? Wait… why are you in a chair?” Rooster asks, peering down at him and he resists the urge to give him the finger.
“I’m not wearing pants.”
He watches his own face, eyes going wide in disbelief. He looks good but he still thinks Rooster looks better. He’s hit then with a desperate stab of longing; he wants to be looking at Rooster properly, through his own eyes, in his own body.
“No, it’s worse. He’s wearing a pair of yours. The lime green and pink ones,” Phoenix says, looking gleeful. He should have fucking known.
“Did you deliberately choose the worse pair?”
“Hey! I bought you those ones! But yes, of course I dd. You didn’t make me pancakes.”
“Jesus Nat…”
He watches them bicker and he’s reminded that their relationship is a lot longer and stronger than this burgeoning thing he has with Rooster, the hopeful beginning of something more. Part of him though is immensely glad that Rooster didn’t pay good money for the atrocity he is currently wearing and he lets the longing ebb away, nothing he can do about it right now.
“Okay, so lunch and then we’ve got the debrief… did that, uh, get sorted?” He asks, looking at Maverick. Maverick looks torn, clearly wanting to move to be nearer the physical body of his pseudo-kid but also talk with him, looks between the two of them like he’s not sure where to start.
“Yeah. Yeah it did. It’s going to be a review of the one you gave on the carrier, and there are some follow up questions they want addressed. Around Bradley’s especially.” He looks between them again and Jake nods, because out of all of them, Bradley is the one who out-right disobeyed direct orders. Jake himself preempted some of his orders, Hondo telling him to get back in his jet and running through the pre-flight checks as soon as he found out that Bradley’s tracker was supersonic. He would have disobeyed direct orders if he’d needed to though, but Hondo was already there, wire in his ear and telling him to get in the air.
“I’m going to have mine first. I’ll see you all there. Enjoy your lunch.”
He gets an awkward hug from Mav given that he’s in a wheelchair with a leg up, and then he watches as Mav gives Rooster one as well, and Mav looks uncomfortable, says something so quiet he can’t catch it.
“Mav, we’ll talk when we get this figured out okay?”
“Yeah, of course kid.”
There’s a back slap and little finger salute and then Mav is striding out and Jake cannot believe that out of all of them it’s the dude that’s nearly sixty walking around like he hasn’t just lived through hell.
“He has his first so Ice can yell at him in private.”
“Speaking from experience?”
“Yep. Mav’s done a lot of stupid shit, and he just told me that they’re still together, so that’s hopefully going to make things… smoother.”
“Not above using your connections?” Jake asks, and winces a little internally, reminds himself he’s trying to be less of an asshole, fully expects Rooster to give him the finger but instead he just looks serious and resigned.
“I’ll take whatever they dish out. I don’t regret it. I’d do it again.”
“Fuck. I don’t know if that’s what you should be saying.”
Rooster shrugs and Jake reaches for his hand, grips it tight before letting it go. They make their way out to the parking lot and Phoenix waves, telling them she’ll meet them at the diner and Jake looks sharply at Bradley.
“Take me home. Back to you place. I am not being seen in public like this.”
“No one knows it’s you, you’re fine.”
“Come on, please…”
“Ugh. Fine. I think I have a pair of black shorts that should fit over the cast.”
Jake feels a little thrill at getting his way, lets Bradley help him into the car and return the wheelchair. The leg is achy, but it is duller now, low and constant. Easily manageable and almost ignorable. As long as he doesn’t try walking on it. He changes out of the horrendous shorts and jokingly asks if he can burn them, which makes Rooster laugh. Then they’re enroute to the diner, and when he gets there, he really wishes that he’d thought to invite Javy. Bob is there along with Fanboy and Payback, Phoenix already sipping at a smoothie and they all politely shuffle so he can sit while Bradley gets him a chair to rest his leg on, giving him a look when he grumbles.
“So, do you have any idea as to why we’re now having our debrief with Admiral Kazansky?” Fanboy asks, and Jake grimaces. If this lasts longer, they’ll tell them as well, can’t keep it from them,
“Yeah… there’s a situation which needs some, uh, closed door conversations,” Jake provides, pulling a face, because that sounds fucking awful. And Rooster didn’t follow orders, which, okay, it saved the life of the Admiral’s boyfriend (his brain goes !?!?!) so Bradley’s got that going for him in the pro column, even if he does say he’d fucking disobey orders again. Jake’s pretty sure that only he and Phoenix know about Kazansky’s relationship with Mav and Rooster, he wouldn’t discount Bob though. He’ll never discount Bob for anything ever again.
It’s mostly quiet while they eat, a little conversation about plans for leave once it’s confirmed. He realizes that they’re all still decompressing, just like he was doing before waking up in the sick bay and not in his own body and had a whole new problem to focus on. He lets them tidy the table, notices that they’re all even more comfortable in each other’s space than usual, like they want to be there, or reassuring themselves that they’re there. He reaches for Bradley’s hand then, suddenly gets it, because he’s already had one dream of not making it in time and watching the F14 explode into pieces in front of him and needs the reassurance of warm flesh under his fingertips. They’re both alive.
They have a convoy of three cars heading to base, and Bradley makes him sit in the back so he can have his leg up, which Jake rolls his eyes at but still does it. He gets dropped off as close to the entrance as possible so he doesn’t need to walk with the crutches, waits for them to join him before they straighten their service khakis and he feels all sorts of wrong not fully fitted out, but figure he’s in Rooster’s body and if he’s going to be court martialed then not being in proper uniform isn’t going to matter.
They’re made to wait outside, and Jake receives a funny look from the secretary and he wonders if he’s meant to know who they are or if it’s the shorts. They wait in silence and exactly at fourteen hundred the door opens and Maverick waves them in. At a conference table sits Admiral Bates and someone who looks like a civilian. Admiral Kazansky is standing though, his expression stony and Jake swallows, suddenly nervous for no reason. Worryingly Rooster also looks a little taken aback by the cold reception and he wonders about their history. Rooster had clearly not anticipated it and seems wrong-footed but Jake wasn’t expecting anything other than the formal reception he’s received. Even knowing how the pieces fit together he can’t see the picture clearly.
“Now that Captain Mitchell has completed his debrief he can be your interpreter… Sir.”
Admiral Kazansky nods, signs thank you and goodbye before turning back to the five of them and Jake moves to allow the light to show his face, before realizing that Admiral Kazansky can hear everyone perfectly, so he doesn’t have to think about shadows hiding facial features.
“Why do you need an interpreter?” Rooster asks, looking at the closed door where the ASL interpreter had departed from and Jake realizes then that Bradley doesn’t know thatAdmiral Kazansky can’t or doesn’t talk. “Ice? Why do you need an interpreter?”
“He had cancer. Throat –” Maverick starts, but Ice has made a short sharp STOP and Maverick immediately stops, jaw shutting with an audible click.
Why is Lieutenant Serensin calling me Ice? Admiral Kazansky signs to Maverick.
“That’s a damn good question,” Jake says, and signs please don’t hold it against me sir to Admiral Kazansky, whose eyes narrow on him before shifting to Rooster.
“What is going on?” Payback and Fanboy ask, and Jake looks to Javy, Phoenix and Bob.
“Ah. Admiral Bates sir, we’re just going to wait outside. Would you like to maybe join us?” Bob asks, and then he’s shepherding the others out with a mere glance and Admiral Bates is looking between them, stands slowly before following them and Jakes wishes he could follow; the atmosphere in the room is thick with tension.
Have you talked to him yet? Maverick shakes his head in response and Jake wants to interject. Tell him Pete. You tell him now or I do. And then he has to apologize to you. I’m furious with him.
Jake watches the rapid pace of signing, if the Admiral was talking, he’d be shouting. He looks at Rooster and notes he’s gone pale, is trembling and he stops watching Admiral Kazansky because he’s pretty sure Rooster is about to pass out. Maverick’s signing isn’t anywhere near as fluent, clearly simply used to just talking and he can see Admiral Kazansky becoming more frustrated with the aborted attempts of communication. Maverick might be able to understand ASL but he sure as fuck can’t communicate in it.
“Now is really not the best time –” Maverick starts, clearly giving up on trying to sign.
Sir. Rooster and I have switched bodies. Jake signs, and he meets the Admiral’s eyes with grim determination, tries to convince him with just the sheer force of his gaze. He pushes Rooster down into a chair, can hear the rapid shallow breathing and he drags another chair close and sits beside him, gets his face in his line of sight, glances up to see that the Admiral has moved so Jake can still see him.
“Rooster, hey, shh, Bradley… it’s okay.”
“He had. Throat cancer. He. Can’t talk. He didn’t. Tell me…”
“Shh… Breath with me… in for four…”
“This is the situation we, uh, wanted to talk to you about,” Maverick says and Jake glances up while he counts slowly to see Admiral Kazansky make the sign for idiot, before seeing Maverick sign back your idiot. Another fond eyeroll.
“And out for four… nice and slow…” He gets a tap on his shoulder and he looks up.
Tell him that he was on deployment when I was diagnosed. He couldn’t have done anything. I’m fine now.
“Bradley…” he says softly, waiting for him to meet his eyes. “Admiral Kazansky says you were on deployment, that there was nothing you could have done. He’s fine. Okay?”
Rooster gives a sharp nod but is still concentrating on his breathing and Jake wonders if it was a panic attack or shock. And he wonders what kind of fucked up family dynamics they have to not share that type of critical information. He knows he has issues, but he hadn’t quite realized the sheer scope of fuckery going on here.
“So, do you believe us sir?”
To the best of my knowledge my godson does not know ASL. However I’m familiar with your file and know that you do.
Jake is left reeling, seeing Rooster get called godson by the fucking COMPACFLT. And that the COMPACFLT is familiar enough with his file to know ASL is his first language.
“Okay, he believes that we’ve switched –”
Rooster is standing then and Jake leans back out of his way, watches as Rooster lurches toward Admiral Kazansky and hugs him, tight, crying and muttering apologies into his neck and Jake seriously considers taking out his phone to snap a shot because this is so weird. But it would be a major dick move and also it’s his body so it’s not quite the incriminating evidence he’d want to hang over someone as potential blackmail material.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you…”
Admiral Kazansky hugs him back and pats him on the back, but Jake catches the look in his eyes as he looks at Maverick. Whatever Rooster did to make the Admiral angry is still there, but obviously not so big a thing that he won’t comfort Bradley right now.
“So yeah, we haven’t really had a proper chance to talk yet,” Maverick states, the expression on his face bemused, like he’s enjoying the sheer chaos of the situation.
Bullshit. Admiral Kazansky signs behind Bradley’s back, letting Bradley continue to hug him and Jake wonders what the hell the others would think if they came back into the room right now. Maverick is laughing, and Jake catches the gaze of Admiral Kazansky, who is looking at him, eyes serious and shrewd.
He told Maverick that no one would grieve him if he died. No wife. No kids.
“Jesus Bradley, you really use your words like a weapon when you’re angry huh?”
“Uh…” Bradley turns to look at him and fucking hell, Jake takes in his own face looking absolutely wrecked, eyes red and puffy, cheeks wet with tears and his heart breaks for him a little.
“Or when you don’t want people getting close…” he realizes then, remembering all of the little antagonistic and cruel comments, one of which they’d talked about just last night and he wants to gather Bradley in his arms and just hold him and make things right in his world. He doesn’t know if he’s quite up for the job though.
FOURTEEN
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currently thinking about sunny’s growth and journey to heal and hgldhg
forewarning these are all early thoughts (both early as in i have not thought about this as much as you would expect and early as in it is Morning Hours) so don’t expect too much
here’s the thing; sunny’s journey in the game might be intended to be forgiving himself. in my not-so-professional opinion, though, this is bs. he does not forgive himself, i daresay. i think his journey is far more about acceptance than forgiveness, which is just as important, especially as a first step, but. like. it is not forgiveness bestie are you kidding me
has he been thinking about this for four years? yes. but a; i’m not completely convinced four years would be enough time to recover from that even if you were actively healing, b; he was a child when this happened, literally twelve at most, and c; he did not spend those years healing. he spent them hiding
he wasn’t grieving. he was never grieving. he hasn’t had any time to grieve, because he’s been too busy pretending like everything was ok. he’s been in the denial stage for FOUR YEARS because he was a literal child when it happened. an impressionable child, with more love for his sister than he knew what to do with and a very active imagination that made for an oh-so attractive hiding place
the idea that he has forgiven himself is ridiculous. realizing fully what happened, accepting what he did, and realizing that he needs to start trying to move on is incredibly important in and of itself, though
it’s important to realize what sunny has already done on his own. a; he has calm down. he has focus, and persist, and overcome. these are important. it’s unclear if these are techniques that he used as a kid or if he’s only developing them as the game goes on, but these are a very good start to healing (keep in mind, i am not a therapist). he’s learning grounding techniques, he’s making them up himself in fact, and this is a good foundation for beginning to trust himself, which is a good foundation for beginning to actually process his trauma.
except. uh. i’m not confident sunny actually sees this as himself, and thus i’m not confident that this is a good basis for trusting himself
because it’s mari’s voice that he hears when he uses calm down.
so; lessons sunny has to learn before he can even start to heal properly, according to me, a not-professional;
a - his grounding techniques are his own doing. he’s smart, and he’s capable, and he’s learning how to deal with the symptoms of his trauma himself. sunny can trust his instincts, and they are his instincts, and not just mari looking after him. though, if mari was actually the one who taught him these grounding techniques, he might honestly need to learn some new ones to detach himself from that. which might be an issue, because he might want to hold onto what few untainted scraps he has of mari’s memory left... this one is going to be a whole thing, isn’t it.
b - he has to start distinguishing fantasy from reality. once he can do this properly, he can start trusting his perceptions again. i’m not sure exactly how he’s going to manage this, seeing as how i’m not exactly sure what’s causing the hallucinations, but he needs to pass this step regardless
c - he has to realize that forgiveness can only come from within. his friends forgiving him (while i do think is likely, and would help A LOT) is not the most important step, much less the only important one. he has to process his grief on his own; he has to take these steps of his own volition, hopefully starting with seeking counseling/therapy on his own. with that being said;
d - he can trust his friends to support him. sunny needs a stable support network, and now that his friends know the truth, having them forgive him and truly be there for him as he heals would be incredible. this would probably take some time, though - which is ok. he has basil. except, uh
e - i’m not even going to START unpacking his whole thing with basil, but something probably needs to happen there. that is a whole Hot Mess and i need to start thinking about it more
and there’s probably a lot more i’m missing, but uh. yea. sunny’s therapist has their work cut out for them
#Omori#omori spoilers#spoilers#omori sunny#sunflower??#analysis#psychology#grief tw#angst?#recovery#thoughts#rambles
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Okay, going to start posting the Best Of for my Trigun/TriMax notes by volume. Note that this was my second time reading Trigun and all reactions are off-the-cuff; any hindsight-based commentary will be in italics. Also, there may be CWs I missed, but I did try to note things as I went.
Trigun Notes: Volume One
Trigun #1.1: The $$60 Billion Double Dollar Man
Injuries 603, murders 72, oof.
“This week’s satellite” like radio reports as a primary news method?
Screaming at the fact that he knew they didn’t have bullets and basically dared them to shoot him.
Trigun #1.2: Looney Tunes
Meryl: talking loud enough will give me authority, right
“More than 50 of our plants have died” due to a system bug…LOT of plants [Note: I do still wonder if they meant individual plants, because they seem a lot rarer in later adaptations. Then again, this is only the second chapter, so it might just be a continuity issue?]
Trigun #1.3: Hard Puncher
Stop backseat dueling y‘all, he knows what he’s doing
This man can do full splits after 100+ years, damn lmao
“Officially designated a localized disaster” is the FUNNIEST resolution and IDK why the ‘98 anime didn’t keep that
“Very nice to meet you” “Likewise, I think” LOL
Trigun #1.4: Popo
Mild CW for this chapter, but one character lies about having been sexually abused.
“How long do you intend to follow me?” “Until we retire, probably” “Okay, perfect *runs*"
“That was more than I deserved, maybe” Lot to unpack there, buddy!
Trigun #1.5: Assault
“They sure are good (especially that big one)” Milly supremacy
“You’re like those people from the big fall over 100 years ago. A nice person” So kindness is seen as a legit rarity here
Brilliant Dynamites Neon sure is a gang leader name
Trigun #1.6: Die Hards
Meryl + Milly coming out of the dark to beat up some dudes = SO ominous lmao
“I’m gonna need all the empty spots in my soupy brain” Oh, mood.
Vash using tough love on Kite = always hilarious
Trigun #1.7: Rem
Vash smiling sheepishly after he beats a guy in a fight…angel man…
“You’re far too easy on the whole human race” Kite citing everyone’s sins and Vash responding with “Then start all over again. [...] Your ticket to the future is always blank.” AHHHHH
“He’s got a helluva arm and the devil’s luck.” Just gunslinger things.
Trigun #1.8: Duelist
No bodies found at July, even with the city leveled; Vash doesn’t remember anything but the aftermath. [Note: At the time I thought this was the same thing as how in the '98 anime there weren't any casualties but...nope............TriMax made it worse.]
Trigun #1.9: Between the Wasteland and Sky…
Meryl: eff it, retail therapy
“Do your nerves even work?” Yes, but his baseline pain levels are a 4, so…
“You’re glorious, sister” right when he called her a brat earlier, lmao
Heart/breathing DO synchronize, because his vitals stop when hers do–wings not visible between panels, maybe representative of the Plant recognizing Vash as a sibling? [Note: could be reading that wrong, though]
“Maybe this is what it means for people to go on living. This must be what she believed, why she traded her life for everyone else’s!” So he’s still struggling with that as a concept, oof.
Trigun #1.11: Son
“People do say that strangers’ faces all cook the same” Oh, Milly
People: betray their families
Milly: Chooses violence
Father makes the point that Morgan only wants the land to have it but won’t cultivate or respect it; Badwick more worried about his parents’ safety [Note: Honestly you could easily read an environmental theme into parts of Trigun with very little effort.]
“Guns are our second-to-last resort” Ma’am what is your last resort???
Trigun #1.12: River of Life
“This is not the time to come apart like this. Fight, Meryl!” My girl!!!
“What are you gonna do with a derringer and a stun gun?” “Would you care to find out?” YES, BITCH
Meryl’s “?????” at her gun = classic
Theme of trusting others even if you don’t understand or agree with their path, believing in others in a family setting–ohh, hurts a bit in light of Wolfwood and Knives!!!
#screech reads trigun#these aren't even all the notes I took#there was a lot of scribbling lore details and whole quotes for fic reasons#just trying to stick to the moments when I think I'm hilarious or observed something neat
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Hey there! I was wondering if you could match me up with Honkai Star Rail, Genshin, and (only if it’s not a bother) Mystic Messenger?
Pronouns: He/They
Sexuality: Bisexual (Heavy Male Lean)
Zodiac/MBTI: Taurus, INFP 5w6
Appearance: Pretty much the IRL Futaba from Persona 5 ngl, either dressing purely for comfort (oversized sweatshirts/hoodies, shorts), or dressing to look cool… except like the cool of a decade ago LOL, babyface so younger in appearance however definitely an adult. Kinda short (below 5’6). Nearly permanent RBF, it hurts to smile for too long so it’s generally kinda rare.
Personality: "I can be your angle or yuor devil" meme incarnated, but add in a hint of Shouko Komi (Komi Can’t Communicate). I mean well and will be friendly with pretty much everyone, but it’s hard to get me to actually open up/talk (because trauma✨). Generally I will keep to myself as a result and will interact with people who come to me, only if I’m extremely interested in a certain person/conversation will I attempt to make the first move.
Likes: Cats, Memes (sometimes), Making my friends smile (either through jokes or through torturing them with their favorite characters), Spending time with people who recharge my social battery!
Dislikes: Big crowds (overwhelming), Drama starters (had too much of that in my life), Creeps (been mistaken for a minor a lot so…)
Hobbies: Turn based/Strategy games, Videogame Model editing, Gacha Games, VR, People watching.
Hi Anon! Thank you for your request! I hope you like your matchups!
In Hokai Star Rail, I match you with...
Sampo can be a bit of a drama starter but it's never on purpose. Any drama that occurs as a result of his actions is never considered before he takes those actions.
Would definitely play video games. He's not to bad at them but only after he's had a bit of practice.
His favourite games are ones like Mario Party and Mario Kart. Multiplayer games are the best in his mind.
Doesn't mind that you tend to keep to yourself. He's outgoing enough for both of you.
Loves your "I can be your angel, or yuor devil" energy. I feel like Sampo has a fair bit of that energy himself so you match well.
If and when you feel like opening up, Sampo will drop his goofy act and listen to you. He knows this is a serious conversation you're about to have and he doesn't want to make you feel like he doesn't care.
If he's being completely honest with himself, he probably needs to have a chat to someone about his own problems as well. If he ever feels ready to do that, he'd appreciate it if you would listen to him as well.
I'm Genshin Impact, I match you with...
Very similar in personality to Sampo.
Itto is much more outgoing that you are! He's going to try to encourage you to come out of your shell but he won't go overboard. If you feel uncomfortable, he'll back off. Yes, he wants you to be more outgoing but he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable.
He'll help you avoid large crowds. He's pretty good at avoiding large groups of people because the Tenryou Commission are usually around as well.
Also gets into a fair bit of drama, also unintentionally. He gets in trouble a lot so you may have to bail him out, or at least let Shinobu know.
Modern au Itto loves video games. His favourites are games are ones where the main character can break things. He's particularly fond of Lego games (don't judge him, he likes the sound the Lego makes when it breaks).
Also likes cats. He'd love to go for walks around Inazuma, stopping to play with every cat you come across.
In Mystic Messenger, I match you with...
The first quiet person on this list!
Saeran (especially after he gets away from Mint Eye) is also someone who needs an attentive ear when he's talking about his past.
Mini therapy sessions where you each take turns talking and listening to each other as you both start unpacking trauma.
Snacks are a must during these sessions and frequent breaks are important as well. Whether you go for a walk together to clear your heads or play a video game, Saeran doesn't mind.
Saeran is the last person to start drama. He's also had more than enough for a lifetime.
He also isn't a fan of big crowds. Staying in quiet places with just a few people, or even just spending time with you is more his speed.
Won't hesitate to get rid of any creeps that bother you. Whether he asks them to leave you alone or immediately resorts to violence depends on your preference and how creepy the person is.
Also has a pretty mean looking resting face so he totally gets where you're coming from.
#writing#fanfic#matchup#matchup request#request#honkai star rail#sampo koski#genshin impact#arataki itto#mystic messenger#saeran choi
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I feel an intense need to ask what "Reconnect" means XP
Ah yes! This WIP is one of my many Steven-in-therapy-or-otherwise-learning-things-about-healing storylines!
The basic gist of it is based on my experience getting therapy homework in one of my sessions, and an infographic I saw on tumblr a few years back. It's focused on Steven eventually discovering some renewed joy in some old hobbies, although I hadn't gotten to that part yet. Here's a snippit from the beginning:
___
The last thing Steven expected when he changed therapists was that this new one would sometimes assign him homework.
Like, really? Unpacking all the deep-rooted traumas of his childhood is hard enough when it’s twice a week in some near-stranger’s office, and now he’s gotta exert his preciously rare mental energy dwelling upon it at home, too? Ugh. He blames himself for this, in the end. Dr. Flowers probably wouldn’t have thought to have passed along this assignment if he hadn’t flapped his stupid lips and mentioned that whole thing about “not really knowing who I‘m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to live for anymore beyond constantly being useful to others” in the first place. No sooner than the second those words had passed from the inaccessible caverns of his mind into audible reality, the woman’s eyes sparked with the glow of realization and she pulled open a filing cabinet beside her desk to shuffle through her extensive collection of printed resources.
“So, unfortunately we’re out of time for today,” she said, passing him a small handful of worksheets with a lot of open blanks on them, “but I think filling some of these out might be of help to you... in beginning to restructure the way you perceive your truest self.”
“I have to do therapy at home now, too?” he apparently blurts out loud, despite swearing up and down that he merely mumbled this sentiment internally, deep within folds of brain matter no living being could ever hope to access.
Dr. Flowers flashes him what he thinks is supposed to be a reassuring smile. “It’s not a requirement, Steven. Nothing about our meetings is. You can fill out all of it, some of it, or none at all. That’s fine. Worksheets like these are merely another tool at your disposal, should you choose to use them. Does that sound okay?”
He genuinely doesn’t remember what he said in response to that, but he does recall exiting her office with his shoulders hunched tight to his neck, feeling a sharp wave of embarrassment washing over his exhausted body. So it probably wasn’t anything good. Unfortunately, he knows full well he’s gained a reputation of getting a bit snippy with people recently— especially when said people try to (at least in his eyes) micromanage his mental un-health. Thus, stars knows what childish thing he blurted out this time. Steven grimaces as he unlocks his car, unable to purge the hazy memory of this interaction from his thoughts. He at least hopes he had the courtesy to apologize.
Despite all his prior balking, he drives the Dondai back to the beach house with a paper clipped stack of worksheets haphazardly tossed into the front passenger seat. The pages have unceremoniously slid off onto the floor by the time he parks on the sand near the porch steps. Good. Serves it right, stupid therapy homework.
He unlocks the front door with a tired sigh, the worksheets dangling within his limp grip. Pearl dutifully sits at the kitchen table, dismally failing in her innocent act of pretending that she hasn’t been waiting for him to return home for the past hour.
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Quick Legendverse professor thoughts
Birch is still a professor in his old age! Well I say old but he would be, what 54 by SV in my timeline?...okay so he is pretty old. But that ain't stopping him! Still very good at field research, would go out a lot with Amber to do research together from time to time. For old nostalgia's sake. Also, yes, Amber taught him some basic pokemon battling stuff and gave him some pokemon so he doesn't get mauled by a poocheyena. Again.
Rowan properly retires once Kiran comes back and is healthy to go out again. He still is in the academic space, occasionally being a guest speaker for some colleges and such, but nowadays he spends most of his time at home, living comfortably. The kids ( who aren't exactly kids anymore) visit him often! ( He would be like. 76 by SV).
Juniper and Fennel both seem to strive in the busy environments around them, Juniper especially, so needless to say, they're both still active around this time. Though, both take a back seat for their younger apprentices to shine. They're married too, but that doesn't surprise anyone really.
I'm not sure if Elm would retire or not.... actually. I take that back. He would retire. But only because Aiko forced him too. The man is too committed to his work, he needs a rest. He's honestly not used to relaxing, so his early retirement was difficult for him. He had to be doing something you know? Fortunately for him ( and unfortunately for his wife/j) he found hobbies. Lots and lots of hobbies. Don't get me wrong, his wife is very supportive and very happy that he's finally talking the time to be with the family and rest, but there's only so much space she's willing to give up. They work it out don't worry. But yeah! Elm's pretty happy !
Kukui got a beautiful wife, an amazing husband, and a bunch of kids ( one being his biological son). He's living the best life man. Kukui has not retired, and doesn't plan to for a long time. He's still a mentor to Lillie, and may also be one for Hop? I haven't decided, but it would be cool.
Magnolia, as you know, retired. She's still alive and kicking mind you, just enjoying life as it is. Sonia is thriving. Her book sold millions ( at least I assume so if Naranja Uva academy has them), and she had never felt so motivated in her life. She loves her job, loves teaching Hop what she can , loves that she and Leon are finally talking again, love that she can hang out with her friends again- just a whole bunch of love. She's so happy and fulfilled.
With time wounds heal. That applies to sycamore. He's been through the motions, to put it simply. Grief, anger, confusion, betrayal- he has felt this for a long time. And some of that still lingers. But he's content now. Happier. He got himself an apprentice in Trevor, he got to see his nephew ( not actually his nephew but who cares) learn to forgive himself for his actions ( something that he himself hasn't done until much later), see Jude become a better person, and Shauna and Tierno expand their creative outlets. He couldn't be prouder. He's also going to therapy now. He realized there's a lot of things he needs to unpack. He dipped his toes into the dating sphere again. Nothing much. I guess he's trying to prove to himself he still got it...that he's still okay. But overall, Sycamore has healed and is still healing. He's much better than he was by the end of XY, that's for sure.
.....That was not quick at all lmao. I hope you enjoyed the read!
( and if you're wondering about professor oak, no clue what to do with him really, let alone if that man is alive. Honestly? He probably is. This is pokemon. But still. I just know that his relationship with his grandkids is complicated.)
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Glad to be a breath of fresh air! I don't want to say that I cringe a lot in the tag with the takes but, you know, yeah.😩
I don't particularly enjoy the double standard on either side but it really does seem to always come down harder on the women, especially any woman who doesn't present as expected. Just look at our little Pen being called the villain when we know if it was someone else there'd be a lot less of that. I'm still seeing bad takes 4 years later from another fandom I was in where a man and woman both made the same mistake and strangely, only her bad choice is talked about. Never his.
I agree, this isn't even on my list of things to worry about, ha. I have heard two versions of the rumor, one where he's there with them and one where he's watching them. I'm not going to get into the sudden fandom activism taking place about two women being paid to entertain a man but I will say that the distinction (if either is true!) is what I'd be most interested. It doesn't matter either way in the end but if it's the latter with him just watching, that's an entirely different thing that would need to be unpacked. Either way he's using escapism but not participating and a later scene being unable to participate? That's a man going through it and probably deserves some grace when he's also about to make himself suffer needlessly further.
People have made up their minds what the scene is without context or confirmation and it's certainly up to them to do so but having so much fandom experience I can say I've never seen anyone's worst case spiral of doom scenario they proclaim as fact be true in the end.
This man looking all over the world to find what he needs right across the road is great. He's been trying to be a Very Grown Up Man since s1 and he hasn't found purpose yet. I can't wait to see him actually find it this time.
Oh I agree, the media is the worst with fandom. It's best to stay out of it if possible. The media doesn't seem to understand the passion that the fandom has in all and tries to utilize it in all of the wrong ways. They're out of touch with a lot of it and truly, adding in the way a lot of fans feel entitled to what they want, it's always going to end in a melt down. Given the generational divide as well, you're going to have a bunch of people who think something is the worst thing in the world and the people who think it's really not that big of a deal so what are they yelling about?
I'm not saying it's easier to wait for context but in a month I feel like most of them won't even remember the full scope of their freak outs.
I have to say I DO cringe a lot, I try and stay neutral. That’s what I tell myself. I have actually stayed away from Tumblr honestly, but then there were all these pretty pictures, and I couldn’t resist. And then my big mouth takes off and all these ideas get in my head, and I use my blog as my therapy sessions.
Usually, my therapy is just with myself because most people just ignore what I have to say until you so thankfully came along to join into my sessions, and I must say I have truly appreciated not having to talk to myself all day long!
To the issue at hand…double standards…My word. We do live in a world today where women are sure held to a different standard than men and interesting that as I had thought we were moving out of regency standards of women having much more say and agency of themselves, we seem to step backwards more and more each day.
But that is a much bigger hole of a topic, when it comes to fandom however, we do seem to hold our men to a larger standard when it comes to our ships. God help Luke after this season airs. I pray our ladies and gents are on their best behavior to remember that Nic and Luke play these characters with the best intent and love for who they are and what is written for them.
I don’t know what will come of the article, I know the Sun is iffy and I’ve seen a lot of people say, “Yes its true” But there is 1) saying its true and 2) seeing it on screen. Back when screeners would give us a play by play of Glee episodes, they would tell us how a scene would play out and we would all get angry over a single phrase or an explanation of a specific description of a scene. Our brains all would create the story of what the intent was behind this one sentence or descriptor. Then we would get to the episode and the actual script around what played out was nothing near what my brain had created in that 2 second nightmare.
I’m sure we get a set up scene showing us that Colin is knowledgeable around a bodega, he’s been to these in his travels, he’s experienced with women, these are something that interest him and he’s curious about. That’s the set up. Then comes Pen. There is a kiss. There is confusion. Not realization, but confusion. Pen meets Obi Wan Debling. They hit it off. Success. Colin has done what he set out to do. He has accomplished his goal of making up with his best friend for his careless words the season prior. His unnerved, he needs release for some reason. He returns to what has calmed him before…but now scene two returns us to the familiar that is a set up for the audience and Colin to see that now is different. He no longer has interest. His confusion lifts because all he sees is Pen and he no longer wants what is offered in front of him.
And maybe I am also guilty of making up my mind about a scene before it plays out, because I have no context or confirmation either, but I would certainly be ok with being wrong also. I would prefer to take that than spiral into something else. To accept that Colin who has never been needlessly cruel instead is just a whore who is using his friend Pen to hurt her further while getting his rocks off. Because that is not the same person who can’t even swallow because she told him his eyes are really pretty. It just doesn’t compute so I refuse to spiral any other way.
In 27 days, all we will care about is that these beautiful people are staring at each other on our screens and we will be freaking out for more wonderful reasons.
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I’m older than 9/11, but younger than the Harry Potter series. I’m not sure what else you would need to know.
I’m the one who sat in the middle school cafeteria thinking like, Damn can’t believe I made it. Didn’t necessarily think I was going to die but you never know. I gave that one to her, I’ll give a lot of things to her when I don’t know what she said for sure in the bathroom at that exact moment and that’s something to unpack in therapy. But high school happened to me while the 20’s were in their teenage years too. I didn’t actually start doing shit, though, until I was a junior. Before then I was a ghost seen in the light of day, someone’s little sister, probably something off about her but no one would say it because my brother once made a kid shit his pants in the field house locker room, just from screaming. Ten years later I’d be sitting with this insane brilliant always barefoot painter in his sixties, on his porch up in the Catskills, wondering for the millionth time if I had men figured out or if there was nothing there to be figured out. Do you think things, basically. He laughed. Told me the only thoughts that cavitated his brain all day were “Feed Me Fuck Me Let Me Paint,” on a loop all lifetime. On the plane back home I’d discovered my own new loop, true for as long as I have been sentient: Fear Me Fear Me Fear Me, only thing ten year old me or teenage me or me right now talking to you has ever wanted. Fear Me. Fear Me. I don’t think anyone ever truly has but I guess that’s why despite having nothing else in the middle of our Venn diagram, I never had to make shit up that I thought Brady could have said. I always just knew.
Junior Year, though, I got that awakening. Get a social life or you’re not going to college. You can write, yes, but the content you’re giving these admissions officers are warning signs. So I signed up for shit, ran in election, talked to people. Girls across the country were singing Riptide in their school talent shows. Whenever anyone in my Speech and Drama class would say some teenage shit, anything at all that was supercilious or petty, I’d descend like the SS, jot that shit down in the corner of my notebook to be transcribed, verbatim, to a secret document on my laptop later. Not for blackmail, not for mimicry, ostensibly in support of my writing dreams but really as a hundred pages of proof in lines that something was different about me, that I was seeing the world so differently from them that I had to follow and study their conversations like someone learning a foreign language.
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Hello again
So I obviously didn't complete the last challenge I did. It became too overwhelming to keep up with, then there was some confusion/arguments about the actual plans that I was preparing for. Somehow, thinking all the time about saving money triggered me to spend $1K on tattoos, and thinking all the time about losing a couple pounds triggered me to binge eat.
Sooooo anyway. Yes, we did go on that trip and yes it was beautiful, though we have a lot of stuff to work through/unpack now, and I don't mean unpacking the luggage.
The reason I'm posting again now is because I've finished looking at all my spending over the last year and I'd like to set some spending goals for 2024.
Overall, 29% went to rent & utilities, 29% to other spending, I saved 23%, and paid 19% in tax. Not bad, really. Except that my savings accounts are behind because of complicated life stuff. So I'm still worrying about increasing my savings as much as possible. Let's take a look at the "29% other spending" category because that's the only one I can really do anything about, unless I want to move in with roommates (ugh).
23% groceries
22% personal
10% household
9% travel
7% cat
6% entertainment
5% drugs
4% health/meds
3% restaurants
3% hobby
3% clothes
2% gifts/donations
1% or less: transportation, city tax, stuff for my office, amazon prime
Groceries:
23% protein (powder/bars)
20% fruit (fresh/frozen/dried/canned)
13% snacks (also things like butter & sugar)
12% vegetables
8% prepared (like sandwiches)
6% beverages (tea bags, almond milk etc)
5% grains (bread, flour, crackers etc)
5% beans (dry, canned, or hummus)
5% condiments
3% nuts & seeds (dry or buttered)
less than 1%: gum & mints
So it's clear that I can stand to cut down on snacks and prepared foods. It's hard because my life is so busy and boring and frugal that I don't feel like I have anything happy or different in my life, so I'll buy myself a bag of chips or a chocolate bar for a boost. But I guess I can just eat a lot more rice this year instead.
The beverages section has a lot of milk because I was baking a lot of soda bread to use up my flour. I don't currently have any flour so I don't expect to waste money on milk for a while. Most of that category is tea bags, I use 1 or 2 every day. It works out to $1.76 per week, which is a lot less than some people spend on coffee/juice/milk etc, but still I suppose I could just drink water... but I probably won't. Tea makes me happy and keeps me motivated to stay hydrated.
Vegetables. I was eating a lot of salad and veggies in the summer and fall in my efforts to lose some weight, but ohhh man it adds up. I've already cut way down on veggies, now approximately 3 vegetables per week. Obviously not ideal for health but I can't afford that many vegetables.
Fruit. I typically eat 1 thing of berries per week and 1 other fruit each day. Again, for my health I would prefer a lot more of this, but dang it's expensive. Again, because I was making a lot of soda bread, this category has a lot more dried fruit than I typically buy. I don't really want to cut down on my 1 fruit per day/1 berry per week routine. But maybe I can try to prefer frozen fruits instead of fresh? IDK.
Protein... yeah that's a big category. I knew that protein powder and bars are expensive, but I justified it because they are so rich in nutrients and protein and calories. My problem is that I tend to binge eat on protein bars. Horrible habit. I will probably continue my habit of 1 serving of protein per day, but I'll try really hard to never binge on those things again. It's a very expensive mistake.
Personal:
44% tattoos
12% jewelry
9% piercings
5% salon
5% tens unit
4% skincare
4% makeup
3% bath
2% vanity
2% hair products
2% bed pillows
2% art
1% or less: tattoo machine, therapy light, mosquito net, nail products, sunscreen, lube, candle, deodorant, water purifier tablets, bug spray.
Yes I know I spent a lot on tattoos. God damnit they make me happy. I know I need to cut back on tattoos. But OMG I really want more tattoos. Ugh.
Jewelry and piercings; makeup and vanity: My collections are nearly complete. I don't anticipate these to be large categories in 2024.
Salon: I really want to be able to go to salons sometimes but I just can't afford it. Sad sad.
Tens unit: I thought I would give it a try to see if it helps. Unfortunately, it doesn't. I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't bought it though, so IDK if I can really say I regret this cost but yeah I wish I hadn't bought it.
Household:
31% storage (meaning, drawers and shelves and stuff in my apartment)
21% laundry (just the cost to use the machines)
11% rental insurance
7% furnishings (couch slipcover, new toilet seat etc)
6% paper products (paper towels, TP, tissues)
6% computer accessories (cables, laptop case, etc)
5% cleaning supplies (laundry soap etc)
4% kitchen supplies (plastic wrap, new measuring cup etc)
4% tape (why is tape so expensive)
2% batteries
1% or less: printing and shredding, hand towels, garbage bags
Laundry and rental insurance are pretty much unavoidable. That works out to an average of 1.3 laundry loads per week. I guess I could try to cut down but the machines are small, and I do need clean clothes.
Storage and furnishings are generally one-time purchases, from setting up my new apartment. The other stuff... idk. I've already stopped buying Kleenex, just using a handkerchief now. There's not a lot that I can really cut down on.
I will probably need to buy a scanner this year. I'm really not excited about that because it will cost a lot, but I really do need one.
Travel:
83% plane (one round trip)
11% taxi (3 rides)
6% train (one round trip)
Out of the 3 taxi trips, 1 was necessary (taking the cat to the kennel-- I can't take him on the bus). 2nd one was mostly necessary (going back to work after dropping off the cat -- I guess I could have used PTO to spend an hour or two taking the bus but that didn't seem practical). The 3rd was wholly unnecessary (going to the airport -- I woke up too late to take the bus! D:) I don't normally use taxi or ride shares, but every once in a while an urgent or unusual circumstance comes up.
The plane trip was not strictly necessary for survival, I suppose, but Bae and I decided to do it together, which meant a lot to me. The train trip was not strictly necessary either but it meant I got to spend a week with a dear friend.
Lucky for me, my work pays for my bus fare. And I definitely can't afford a car.
Cat:
57% boarding (for while I was traveling. Not totally sure if I should count this as a cat cost or a travel cost)
27% litter
7% food
4% treats
3% toys
2% new cat bed
1% or less: litter box liners, microchip fee
Clearly boarding is the big expense here. If I can stay in town and not go anywhere this year, then I can cut down on that cost. Boarding and cat sitting cost about the same, and I prefer not to have a stranger come into my apartment if I can help it. I guess it would cut out my taxi costs though.
Litter and food are pretty unavoidable. Can't starve the cat. The treats are so he will let me cut his nails. I could cut down and give him less treats. He doesn't really play with cat toys so I guess I can stop trying to buy them for him.
Since I'm technically just fostering the cat, his vet bills are covered by the actual owner. So that's great.
Entertainment:
81% opera tickets
9% tv streaming
4% concert ticket (one concert)
3% movie rentals
2% museum entry
1% summer fair entry
Back in the day I used to go to concerts a lot, but it's an extremely expensive habit. I only went to one this year but it wasn't a big stadium show or anything, just the small east side theater. The streaming is pricier than I'd like it to be. I need to watch more TV so I can finish the shows and cancel that sub.
But the big one... opera... UGGGGH the thought of giving up opera for the year pains me. It pains me. Ugh. But it's SO FREAKING EXPENSIVE. I guess I could start going to operas alone? It's a lot less fun. But it would cut this cost in half. Maybe next year they'll do a bunch of operas I don't like, then I won't be upset about skipping them.
Drugs:
39% alcohol from the grocery store
22% vape
22% alcohol while dining out
14% CBD
2% new herb grinder
1% cigarettes
The vape and grinder were one-time purchases, no associated ongoing costs until I run out of weed, which will definitely not happen this year.
CBD is my fav, it makes me feel so good. But it's pricey. I do have a tendency to take more than I really need, so I'll try better to limit myself there.
Getting drinks out is clearly a big drain. I only went out in two months out of twelve this year. It's a really nice way to socialize but maybe I should buy a flask instead.
But the big one is almost entirely 12-packs of beer from the grocery store. I love beer, but it's expensive. I did buy a bottle of booze from the liquor store so it would be cheaper than buying beer. It's not nearly as enjoyable as having a nice cold beer, so it definitely has helped me cut those costs. I think my goal for this year is to favor hard drinks from the liquor store over beer or bars.
Health/meds:
68% doctors (copays and treatments)
12% topical medication (just one)
10% melatonin
6% cold meds
3% vitamins
1% physical therapy supplies
I hate how expensive it is to see doctors. I really need to get to a GYN, a dentist, and a dermatologist, but I just can't afford it. It would be amazing if I could also go to therapy someday. Bah. Of course, I don't pay a monthly cost for health insurance thanks to my job, so that is a huge thing to be thankful for. But it means that it's in my best financial interest to ignore my health interests and try not to see doctors.
The topical med didn't work so that was a disappointing cost. I don't take melatonin every day but it does help sometimes when I do. The cold meds were for when I had covid and was just trying to get through it. Cold meds are expensive. But fortunately I haven't been sick in a long while. I don't socialize a lot, I don't work in a germy environment, I live alone, I get my shots, and I wear a mask.
Restaurants:
3% of my spending went to restaurants... I didn't even go out that much but dang. More rice at home, less eating out.
Hobby:
50% plants
11% shrimps
10% grow lights
9% plant shelves
5% aquarium chemicals
4% plant poles
4% acclimator
4% snail
3% aquarium heater
1% hydroponic cups
Yeah so I clearly spent too much on plants this year. The lights, shelves, poles, acllimator, heater, and cups are one-time purchases. I could stand to replace my chemicals but I probably won't. The snail died. :( Most of the shrimps died too. I might buy more plants, shrimps, and snails this year, but then again maybe not.
Clothes:
30% shoes for work
14% blazers for work
13% shoes (not for work)
9% bras
7% undershirts
6% leggings
6% socks for work
5% dresses for work
5% new purse
4% swimsuit
1% dress (not for work)
Strictly speaking, none of the work clothes are necessary because our dress code is casual and I really only need one nice outfit for work, on those rare days when we are asked to dress formally. But personally I like to have a separate professional wardrobe for the office. My work wardrobe is pretty complete now, and I don't foresee work clothes to be a major category this year.
I had to replace my purse because it fell apart. Won't be buying more bags anytime soon. Same with the swimsuits. I think my shoe collection is finished until anything falls apart, but I do kinda want to replace my Vans because they're quite old. Base items like bras, undershirts, leggings do need to be replaced every once in a while, but right now I'm not in need of any new clothes.
Gifts/donations:
2% is a bit high I guess. I feel pretty guilty that I don't have time for activism or volunteering, so I like to donate to charity. Similarly, I don't have time to hang out with my friends so I like to buy them gifts. I tried to become a blood donor but they don't like my blood. If I cut down on this category, what good will I be doing for the world? Maybe taking care of my own needs and my savings account is a higher priority and I'll know that I'll do my part later on.
CONCLUSIONS
Should I move to a shittier place with roommates? Moving itself is really expensive, but maybe overall my savings would be enough to justify the worse living conditions and worse location in the city? I don't want to though.
Try to base most of my diet on grains.
Continue to not buy clothes unless I really need them.
$1300: Try to avoid tattoos and salons. :(
$900: Be more aware of how many fruits and vegetables I'm consuming.
$700: No bingeing on protein bars!
$600: Buy less snacks and prepared foods. I can still treat myself sometimes but I need to be a lot more intentional about it.
$600: Less opera? :(
$400: If I drink, prefer hard drinks from the liquor store.
$400: Avoid restaurants.
$200: Stop buying plants?
$200: No more charity donations. Limit gifts for friends.
$100: Ration my CBD use.
$100: Continue avoiding ride shares as much as possible. Continue riding the bus as much as possible.
$100: Finish watching my shows and cancel my streaming service.
$50: Less cat treats and cat toys.
Big costs coming up: rent, rental insurance, utilities, tax, buying a scanner, probably 3 doctors appointments, opera tickets for the following year, probably another train trip (train tickets, cat boarding, and taxi), maybe another plane trip (plane tickets, cat boarding, and taxi).
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Improv
I finally decided to try improv. I've been to three classes so far.
Trying out improv had been on my bucket list for a while.
I don't think I could explain why I finally decided after all these years to try it now; but I could probably take a stab at sharing some of the reasons I'm currently telling myself why I want to do it:
I want to get better at thinking on my feet. This is something I have difficulty with a lot of the time. When I'm caught off guard and have to quickly produce an answer, I hem and haw and hesitate and eventually figure out something to say which is not always what I want to say. My hope is that with enough practice through improv, I'll improve my ability to come up with things on the spot and hopefully be a bit more graceful.
I want to learn to accept myself. Ok, that one's going to require a little unpacking. As a perfectionist, I'm heavy on the self-judgment. I want to unlearn perfectionism and judgment to hopefully one day accept myself. Improv seemed like a good place to start. That's right, I'm using improv as a form of therapy. When you're constantly thrust into the unknown and have to figure things out using only your wits, my hope is that you eventually give up on the idea of "perfect" and learn to let go & go with the flow; something I have difficulty with. I want to be ok with making mistakes and improv seems like a great place to learn to be ok with "messy".
I enjoy public speaking. I don't know if I'm a performer yet, but I know I like standing up in front of a group of people and talking. Improv is a way to do that while also learning to collaborate both with your scene partner(s) and the audience.
I want to make more use of my creativity. Yes, you could say that creativity is innate; but I would argue that even creative people need to produce when they aren't inspired. It's a muscle too. That means that what little creativity I have (Which I know isn't much) can be nurtured and developed if I just use the muscle regularly. I don't expect the results to be that great for the first few years, but if I'm diligent about practicing it, I might be halfway decent after a while.
I like making people laugh. That's probably one of my all-time favourite things in life. I never made a career out of it because I never thought that "funny around friends" necessarily translated to "funny for money". In this setting I don't have to worry about that. I can just do my best with my scene mate(s) and get the laughs where I can.
It's cool to come together with a group of strangers to try to figure out an art form that is new to us.
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i want to break down the last week...
i thought i had hit rock bottom and then the floor gave out. it was a culmination of everything piling up - stress, lack of sleep, inability to eat, the body aches returning, all of it just all at once. i think it all boils down to the stress, though. like a domino effect where once i couldn't sleep well, i started to not be able to eat much, and then it made everything hurt (though, i'm sure some of that has to do with it being a while since i last fed on anything, supernaturally). i know things have been really difficult lately and i'm trying to give myself more patience, more time to process, and just more... i don't know - more things i'm not used to giving myself, i guess.
yesterday and today, i was able to get in for back to back therapy sessions to really sit down, pick apart, and work through what my brain is trying to process. that's where this whole new found "try to be patient with myself" thing is coming from because it's easier said than done and if i don't put in the work, it will have bad consequences because this is the type of thing that will drive a person crazy - to the point of irreversible damage, or near irreversible. having the last day or so undisturbed by anything, focusing on this, and trying to get a handle on it is probably the best thing i could have asked for, given everything. it was good to have an unbiased perspective from someone who knows the entire story.
i want to be able to talk to spencer about these things. i trust him, yes. i love him and i know it would be met with nothing but understanding, patience, and love. he has never once made me doubt that. but, to unpack all of this would be a lot not only for me to do again but maybe even for him to hear because he does care about me so much. i don't want him to take on any of the weight of any of it because none of this is or ever was his fault, by any means. i feel like the main concern wouldn't even be that but he has the tendency to... for lack of a better way to say it, he gets protective to the point of destruction. and i can't say i blame him because of how long he's been alive, how much loss he's endured, and probably a lot of other reasons. i don't want him to make any decisions that he would later regret or would cause other issues (especially with everything going on with anna's case). i'm still going to try to at least give him the highlight reel because this stuff, unfortunately, it just part of who i am and why i am the way i am.
i'll spare the details here since i'm already going to have to dive into it again to some extent with spencer. basically, getting into a physical fight with andy unlocked some deep rooted, repressed memories of stuff with my family that i really did package up, shoved in the back of brain, and forgot about entirely. which of course, wasn't just an all at once thing, either. it has been coming in waves of new, tiny things just popping up as i'm trying to navigate my day to day.
but anyways, having yesterday and today to just focus on that was needed. i know that i isolated yet again but it wasn't in a way that was noticeable or damaging. it was more just a "recharge" time, i guess? that's what i'm going to call it if anyone asks. there's certain people i'll allow to be around during that recharge time, too. spencer, andy, ricky, basically anyone on our touring crew. they're not overwhelming.
i'm just really hoping the only way to go from here is up. i can't handle anymore but i know i have a support system, i know i need to keep working on it, i know that eventually, i will be okay but for now, the thing i can always hold on to is that i am safe and i am loved. i'm trying.
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Having A Dorm Next To Kirishima Would Include….
A/n: this is word vomit but this oficially marks me doing non marvel stuff so- Anywaya Kirishima is the love of my life and I really want to give him a hug. Its good to be back though and I hope yalls dont mind my change in content- my monkey brain works like a pinball and cant sit still on one thing too long
Warning: Mineta being a fucking Pervert
When you two were moving in you asked him to help you move the heavy stuff
And in turn you helped him with unpacking some things
Before that point you two hadn’t really interacted that much because he was always around Bakugo
And Bakugo kind of scared you a little
Hes just always angry thats all
But you two had gotten to chatting and you realized that he was really a good person
and you found yourself happy that he was your neighbor
You were afraid youd get put by Mineta or something
Speaking of-
I cannot shake the idea that Mineta would def try to sneak a camera into a girls room at some point
But he wouldn’t even get to see anything because hed probably brag about it to Kaminari or something
And Denki would voice his concerns to Bakugo squad
And oh boy Sharky boi would immediatly rush up there to remove it
He kinda barged in lol
But it was fine you were just doing some schoolwork or something
But after he found the camera with your help you two became even better friends
Aizawa had to stop you and the whole rest of the class from murdering Mineta
Mineta got punished of course but damn dude
Idk if there are spiders in Japan
all I know is that if you ever see one in your room that you will be yelling for Kiri
And hed come in and you are like “kill it” and you’re like perched on the bed while this tiny little bug is on the floor
And he ofc kills it
And you give him big hugs everytime he kills a spider
It flusters him a little but he covers it up by saying something like “it was just the manly thing to do”
Kirishima gives off morning person vibes to me honestly
If you aren’t a morning person you can bet your ass that Kiri will wake you up every morning with a soft knock on the door
And if you tell him its ok he might begin making it a habit to actually go into your room and shake you awake gently
Of course hes always respectful about it
God soft Kirishima headcanons are the only thing getting me through finals
After the summer camp + All for one incident, Kiri has nightmares sometimes
He can never remember them and hes pretty good at shaking them off and pretending that they dont happen at all
After some time getting to know you, he confides in you about it
Honestly im not wrong when i say everyone in class 1-A needs some goddamn therapy
Anyways he hesitantly would ask if you could stay with him one night
And ofc you say yes
Kirishimas hardening ability is cool and all but I like to think his skin is really soft and sensitive when hes not using his quirk
So when you agree to stay the night with him- yalls both were stubborn and insisted the other get the bed
and you both ended up on the cold floor
and woke up in the morning cuddling
and you woke up first because poor boy was exhausted from being shooken awake by nightmares
like yalls he thought he lost his bestie during that time period
and you dont move because you dont want to wake him but you revel at how soft his skin is like damn
And you realize that you care about him a lot
like a lot
like- perhaps you’ve fallen for him
After that you guys get really comfortable with intamacy too
You invite each other over for movie nights
or just to enjoy each others company
And of course by now Kirishima is realizinf he cares about you a lot too
Awkward babes
and neither of you acknowledge it
You greet each other on a daily basis by going “hey neighbor!”
Sometimes he’ll pop by when he needs help with homework
And you and him will sit by each other on your floor huddled wayyy to close over his homework
But thats ok neither of you mention it or move away
Its just really good to have such a good friend nearby thats all :)
#bhna#bhna headcanons#mha#mha headcanons#kirishima fluff#kirishima imagine#kirishima hcs#kirishima eijiro fluff#kirishima eijiro x reader#kirishima x reader#eijiro x reader#eijiro kirishima#eijiro kirishima x reader#sharky boi#class 1a#my hero fanfic#my hero academia#boku no hero headcanons
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Legit My Favorite Fics of All Time Holy Shit (Haikyuu)
I'll organize it by ship and try to include some details. I have a massive, well-organized folder of fics (probably over 100 fics jeez), but these are my favorites, the ones I've reread the most, or have taken up a lot of my headspace. Enjoy. :)
Bokuaka <3
Rules - ConesOfDunshire - Explicit, AU: Musician Autistic Bokuto, Accountant Akaashi - A bokuaka classic and probably my favorite Haikyuu fic of all time. Truly my favorite (top 3 at the very least). It's such a lovely story with minimal angst and a frick ton of fluff, and we get to watch as these two beautiful boys fall in love with each other. Well worth the read.
This Smacks of Rainbows - darkgaaraluver - Teen, AU: soulmates, still volleyball players at fukurodani, pre-canon, reincarnation - I love reading stories from Akaashi's perspective because he is a poetry gay and so we get the most beautiful language when describing Bokuto. There is so much pining and angst in this it hurts. Truly, this fic causes pain, but the comfort that follows is so sweet, that it makes it worth it. I reread this one at least 5 times after first discovering it.
like patience on a monument - titanscrow - Teen, Canon Compliant, slow-burn - Literally just read this one. That's how good it is. I already KNOW that this will be on my list. As the author says in the notes, they're allergic to sadness, so although this is a slow burn, there isn't a lot of angst in my opinion. Seeing Bokuto from Akaashi's eyes is once again, one of the most beautiful things, but we also get peeks at how Bokuto views Akaashi and that's honestly what changed this story from really good to an absolute favorite. (Note: it's all from Akaashi's POV, but when you get there, you'll know what I mean.) The author also came out with a new bokuaka fic (~5000 words) and I am IN LOVE WITH IT. So please read that too!
O-week is Wild - KnottyRoses - Teen, AU: College, FLUFF, COMFORT, BEAUTY, GRACE - This is my comfort fic. Feeling down? Read this because your mood will be lifted. We follow bokuaka during O-week (a Canadian term, but basically college/uni orientation). Bokuto is such a sweetheart. Characterization may be a little off (for Akaashi moreso), but I truly dream that this is how their personalities would develop in this universe, so it doesn't matter!!
polaris - ClementineKitten - Teen, AU: reincarnation, pining - Honestly what really gets me about this fic is Fates' little mentions of their previous lives. I love watching these boys fall in love through snippets and this is the perfect fic for that.
how you wish it would be all the time - drifting_i - General, Slow burn, post-time skip, "domestic bliss" - I think about this fic all the time. It hits me when I least expect it. Personally, I love the idea of Bokuto and Akaashi keeping in contact and seeing each other when they can, and this fic is an amazing example of that. And really, it is so freaking well written. I fell in love with this story and I hope you do to.
Iwaoi
Six-Month Lover - afuzzyowl - Explicit, pining, fluff and angst (a lovely combo, but if you're afraid of angst, it's not that bad!) - This one is so cute, and it's from an alternating POV, which is always nice with longer fics. It's particularly lovely because we get to watch Iwa fall for Oikawa (and using the best metaphor to justify it, a door opens—I realize now that sounds like a flattykawa joke, but I really just like that metaphor). But anyways, the way Hajime falls is soft and beautiful and it makes me believe in good things?! I just love it.
I sure hope that guy gets fired - Xov - Teen, time loop, pining, pre-time skip - This is another fic that is in my top 3. Truly, one of the best. *chef's kiss* I'm a sucker for fics with supernatural elements (body swap, etc.). We once again watch Iwa fall in love (are you sensing a pattern), and his POV is so wonderful. It's so well written and feels in character. Watching the relationship between Oikawa and Iwa bloom makes my heart swell. Please, please read this one.
and suddenly, we were strangers - izayas - Teen, angst with happy ending, amnesia, canon divergence, time skip - This made me cry for so many reasons. It's a rollercoaster of feelings and although the angst is there, iwaoi are still pretty much together, so it doesn't always feel like angst, it just feels like a speedbump on their road to happiness. And it diverges from the other two: this time we watch Oikawa fall in love, although for very different reasons! :) :(
you'd be happier instead if you stayed in [my] bed // sometimes b sides are the best songs - ClementineKitten + overwhelmingly_awesome - Mature, time skip, angst (up the wazoo), alcohol, pining, infidelity (iwa has a fiance) - CRAP! I love this one!! I think this is the last of the top 3. It's a two-parter, links included for both parts. We return to formula with Iwa being behind on the whole feelings thing (what's new). And it hurts and it heals? This fic is truly hurt/comfort for the soul. And also shockingly rational, which is often unusual in Iwaoi fics. They approach situations like adults (mostly... cheating is wrong straight up, so that's immature). If you're looking for adult Hajime and Tooru, I'm pleased to say that this feels like two adults figuring out a tough situation patiently. That's just one way to sell this wonderful fic, I could go on... But I won't...
lips like sugar - ohhotlamb - Teen, first kiss, canon compliant, (1 teeny tiny boner), kissing practice - YES! I shall include 1 kissing practice fic, it would be rude not to! No more elaboration because it's short enough for you to enjoy on your own!! And it's KISSING PRACTICE, come on, why are you still here, GO READ THIS FIC!
Matsuhana
聞けよ [Ask] - AshenBee - Teen, slow burn, time skip, quarter-life crisis (lol relatable tag), unemployed hanamaki <3 - What a beautiful story... I love Matsuhana content. We get little snippets of these boys just trying to figure out life and it's wonderful. LOTS of pining. Hanamaki moves in with Matsukawa for a bit. I don't even know how to sell this fic because it kind of sells itself. It's a character study of Hanamaki and as a young adult going through similar quarter-life crises, it's relatable and helps to deal with those feelings.
call me maybe - totooru - Teen, partially a text fic (not all of it, lots of writing), HUMOR, fluff, AU where Mattsun goes to Karasuno - Let me tell you this is straight up the funniest fic I've read. I cackled out loud so many times. It's insane. I'm an easy laugh, so maybe that says something, but either way, if you need something to lift you up, this is a greater fic for it. No angst, just prolonging the inevitable, and two boys who basically fell for each other right off the bat. A dynamic duo truly.
Miya Atsumu & Osamu (BIG BIG SPOILERS FOR THE FIC IN THIS DESCRIPTION, JUST BEWARE IF YOU WANT TO GO IN BLIND)
for just another day - sieges - General, canon divergence, photography, BIG SPOILER BUT I DON'T WANT TO SEND PEOPLE IN BLIND BECAUSE IT MIGHT WRECK YOU: major character death - This fic holds a special place in my heart for many reasons, but mostly because I lost my brother a little over a year ago. Completely different from this situation, but nonetheless, incredibly difficult. I 100% sobbed reading this fic. And it really helped me unpack a new part of my grief and my relationship with my brother. I really love what this story did with handling the death of a sibling, not sure if the author went through something like this, but it felt very real to me. (And now all I crave is Miya twins angst...) Also, I swear there's some form of closure. It's not terribly sad! It obviously deals with heavy topics, but at least for me, it felt like being wrapped up in a blanket and being told that everything will be okay.
I try to avoid sadness and angst at all costs (that one bokuaka fic that shall go unnamed really did a number on my grieving ass, so I can't handle anything like that anymore—it was so bad that I had to unpack it in therapy, jeez...). Most of these fics have mild angst or a lot of fluff to make up for heavy angst. There are definitely a lot of angst fics that I have saved, but obviously, that's not always my favorite brand for shipping (I just want everyone to be happy most of the time). Let me know if you read/have read any of these, I'm always up for discussion. :)
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no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin
Pairing: Bucky x Reader
Warnings: catholic priest!Bucky, virgin!Bucky, desecrating thoughts and actions, explicit language, smut, consensual sexual acts, mentions of loss of virginity, slight innocence and religious kinks (nothing disturbing), oral sex, fingering, masturbation, sex in a public (and sacred) place.
Summary: As punishment for your sinful behavior, your parents send you to your aunt’s house in the middle of nowhere, in hope you’ll redeem yourself. The punishment quickly backfires when you take an interest in the local (and handsome) priest, and you manage to corrupt his pure soul.
A/N: I was in a priest!Bucky mood this morning and I wrote this for @saiyanprincessswanie writing challenge. I chose prompt 17 and the ‘opposites attract’ trope. I hope you like this!
Filth and happy ending ‘cause I’m a sap. Take me to church by Hozier inspired this.
This is not a dark story and both reader and Bucky are consenting adults. Fyi, catholic priests can’t marry, and they change their name when they are ordained. We’ll pretend James is the name he took as priest.
You look over your shoulder to check if anyone’s around and knock on the backdoor of the church, waiting for your lover to usher you inside. The sinful secrecy of it all, the rush of excitement, your love for all that’s forbidden: you’ve never felt more alive.
Being forced to spend the summer in the middle of nowhere is not the way you expected your senior year of college to end, but not all evil comes to harm, and in this quiet little town, you’ve become quite interested in the local priest. In your defence, boredom is the root of all evil, and in your case, evil happens to make you horny and prone to making bad decisions, and Father James is young and handsome, so it was only a matter of time before he gave in the temptation of the flesh and you found yourself fucked against the altar.
Ordained or not, he’s only a man after all.
-
The confessional is dark and suffocating; behind the wooden screen, the priest is all ears.
Muscle memory kicks in when you do the sign of the cross and begin to speak.
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned.” you recite the formula that’s been ingrained in your mind since you were old enough to need it, “My last confession was seven years ago.”
You mentally curse your parents for still having the authority to send you to Bumfuck Nowhere, Alabama, and your aunt for forcing you to attend church and confess your sins.
It will be good for your soul, they said, New York is corrupting you.
You suppose it’s only fair that your good catholic parents would react so drastically; they wanted to surprise you in your new apartment and drove all the way from Rhode Island to New York, only to find your piano tutor buried balls deep inside of you. Lord knows what they’d do if they knew you’ve lost your purity long before that, with one of the good catholic girls in your private boarding school. Extramarital sex, with a woman at that! They’d probably have a meltdown, drag your to a cloistered convent and lock you there for life.
You don’t wait for the priest to acknowledge you and start talking.
“You know Father, I found a handy dandy little list of all the sins you’re supposed to confess to and I checked them. I’ll read it to you. Let’s see.” you clear your throat, “So, I use artificial birth control, I broke a couple of promises, including the one to wait for marriage, I can be kind of blasphemous sometimes, but you see, I spent six months abroad in Italy last year and the kids there taught me all sorts of ways to disrespect the Lord, they have so many, and once those things get stuck in your brain... what can you do, they just stick in there, you don’t even want to say them but they become part of your vocabulary.” you continue uninterrupted, “Anyways, my parents caught me in the act with a man, so I guess we have ‘dishonoring family’ too. Underage drinking as a kid, a lot of that. Drugs sometimes, nothing major, ya know, I don’t do coke or nothing. Gossiping, impure thoughts, God-”
He interrupts you clearing his throat.
“Sorry. See? I don’t even do it on purpose. As I was saying, I love those. Lying... not a whole lot to be honest; to my parents, mostly. Haven’t prayed in a good 10 years. Masturbation, did I mention that? Watched porn a couple of times, ‘m not a big fan if I’m being honest, but to each their own. Oh, and premarital sex, a ton of that. Had an orgy once, not too fond of those either. Too many limbs.”
There’s a lot to unpack here, so you give him a moment to ponder his thoughts. He stays silent for a while, and when he speaks his voice is not at all what you expected it to be. He’s soft spoken yet commanding, and sounds surprisingly young.
“Anything else you can remember?”
“Well of course, the cherry on top, my own first class ticket to hell.” you say, not as cheerful as before, repeating the exact words you’ve been taught for years, “God gave me free will and I used it to commit homosexual acts, Father. Multiple times.”
You let the words hang in the stuffy air of the confessional; you don’t know what to expect from the priest, to be honest. Last time you admitted to thinking of a girl to a religious figure, Sister Theresa told you you’d never have to act on your impulses, or you’d burn in hell for it. You were 12.
“You think that’s worse than the rest?”
“Not me, no, I don’t.”
He hums thoughtfully. “What makes you do the things you do?” he asks, and you don’t feel any of the judgment you were expecting, only genuine curiosity.
“Aren’t you gonna ask me to repent for my sins?” you reply, equally as curious.
“Is absolution what you’re seeking?”
You snort, shaking your head. “I’m not looking for forgiveness, Father, and I’m way past asking for permission.”
“Then why are you here?”
“My aunt forced me.”
It’s his turn to snort this time. “You don’t seem the type to follow orders blindly.”
You admit the guy’s got a point. “I guess… I don’t know. I felt the need to. It feels nice, talking to someone. I feel lonely a lot, and it’s easier to talk to strangers. And this is cheaper than therapy, so that’s a bonus. Really, I just need to vent.”
“Do you regret any of your choices?” he says, after a while.
“Not the ones I confessed to.” you admit, trying to discern the priest’s figure behind the screen.
“What is it, then?”
“You know, you’re kinda chill for a priest from Alabama, I gotta give it to you.” you respond, dodging his question.
“Thanks, it’s probably because I’m from Brooklyn.”
“What the hell-”
“Language.”
“Sorry. Why would someone move from Brooklyn to this place?”
“Vocation.”
“I see.”
It’s silent again, but it doesn’t feel uncomfortable.
“You should come to the parish sometimes. We have meetings, we sing, we eat together, the children play football and the young adults talk about what it means to be a Catholic in the modern world. It may ease your mind about a lot of worries and misconceptions you might have.”
You contemplate on his words: it wouldn’t hurt, would it? It’s not like you’ve got a whole lot going on here; and you might as well find yourself a devoted man or woman to pass time.
“I might.”, you finally respond, not willing to give him the satisfaction, and stand from the chair. “I’ll see you around, Father.”
“May God give you peace, miss.”
“Amen.”
-
“What took you so long?” James asks, grunting when you pull on his hair.
“My aunt asked me to make lunch for her husband, as if he couldn’t do it his damn self.” you respond, and suck on his bottom lip, “Missed me?”
“Always.”
You coo, “My eager boy.”
He’s sitting on his office chair and you’re straddling his lap, grinding your hips on him and feeling his arousal grow. You’re burning up, panties damp and a familiar coil in your core. You don’t know what excites you the most: being responsible for the corruption of such pure soul, the forbidden aspect of fucking a Catholic priest, or the possibility of someone walking in on you. Your walls flutter when you imagine the scandal that this affair would create.
You pull him closer, tugging on his white collar, and he breaks the kiss. His eyes are black and glossed over, lips swollen, cheeks red, but there’s something like worry in eyes.
“Do you love me?” he asks quietly, in the soft voice you adore.
“Of course I do, you know that.”
You fall on your knees and fumble with the zipper of his black pants.
“Would you love me if I didn’t have this collar?” he stops your hands with his, “Would you still love me if I wasn’t this?”, he gestures to his sacred attire.
You pause your actions and search his eyes. Where is this coming from?
“Yes, I’d love you anyways, I’ll always love you.”
A small, shy smile breaks on his face. He lifts you up and makes you sit on his desk.
“I- I w-want to try something,” he begins with a stutter, “I remember hearing some kids back when I was in school talk about it.”
You cock your head to the side, observing carefully as he sits back down on the chair and parts your legs. He lowers his head and begins peppering the inner skin of your thighs with open mouthed kisses. Oh-.
“James, you don’t have to do this.” you try to tell him, but he’s already moving your panties to the side.
He stares entranced between your legs; he’s never been this bold, never watched you there. “You’re so pretty, I want to kiss you here.”
You feel a finger tease your entrance and dip in. Every nerve ending in your body is on fire, and when he licks a strip of your dripping cunt, you feel like you could burst. He delves in your glistening folds, tongue swirling around as if he was kissing your mouth, and your hips jerk forward when he crooks a couple of fingers inside you, hitting that sweet spot that makes the coil in your belly grow tighter.
You throw your head back and your eyes fall on the cross behind you. You are very much past forgiveness at this point, you muse, and that makes this all the more exciting.
You’re writhing under his touch, completely at his mercy. You grab the back of his neck and bring his face upward so that his mouth comes in contact with your clit.
“Suck there.” you demand in a raspy voice, rocking your hips and fucking yourself on his fingers. “Good boy.” you praise when he closes his mouth around your bud and begins sucking and lapping on it. “Yes, oh my God, fuck, faster.”
James obeys and jerks the fingers inside of you, the vibration and his tongue enough to make the knot in your core unravel and pleasure release in jolts, shooting from your center to the rest of your body; you slap a hand on your mouth to suppress wanton moans as your hips twitch involuntarily and your toes curl. He rides you though your orgasm until you’re too sensitive to handle his face on you.
When you look down, you find him, face wet in your arousal, eyes half lidded.
“Did I do well?” he asks full of hope, still clinging to your legs and nuzzling your thigh.
“You did amazing, sweet boy.”
-
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned.”
Hearing your sultry voice, he chokes on air behind the screen and clears his throat, trying to keep the same composure he always seems to loose when you’re around.
“I got friendly with a man, you see, a man of church.” you begin in a teasing tone, “He kissed me, and I didn’t pull back. I let him roam his hands all over my body, Father, and then I corrupted him.”, You lick a couple of fingers and dip them in your mouth, then you release them with a popping sound and slowly slip them in your panties. You push a finger in your already wet core, smearing arousal around and teasing your clit, slow at first. “You should have seen how innocent he looked, Father. He said he’s never been touched like that. A virgin. I’ve never been with a virgin before.” you continue, almost moaning the last part as you slide three fingers in and out of you and tease your bud with your thumb, “He didn’t even know I could please him with my mouth, so I took him in and I sucked him off.” You’re panting, hand furiously circling your clit. You hear Bucky’s ragged breath behind the screen. “He moaned so loud, F-F-Father, he c-came so quick. And I swallowed it all, because you can’t let a single drop of seed g-go to w-waste, can you?” you whimper, feeling an orgasm build up.
You’re fueled by his suppressed grunts and the lewd sounds of him touching himself.
“I don’t come for absolution Father, because I’d do it all again.” you breathe at last, letting pleasure run through your every nerve, setting you ablaze.
Behind the screen, Father James paints his hand and black shirt in white spurts, shame and pleasure fighting eachother in his mind.
-
You haven’t moved yet, legs parted, trying to catch your breath, and James is still clinging onto you.
You don’t know how it happened.
It started with boredom, with a wish to fuck the pretty priest, but you’ve caught feelings now, and in three weeks you’ll have to get back to New York, where a job and a new apartment await you.
At least your aunt and your parents are happy about your redemption: you’ve been going to church everyday. They don’t need to know you’ve spent most time on your knees or on your back.
But you don’t want to think about it now; you can’t let sadness take over and ruin these moments when James is only yours. Your love is on borrowed time, and you intend to make the most out of it.
“Do you want to fuck me, my love? You want me to come all over your pretty cock, yes? You want to fill me up with your cum?” you whisper in his ear, amused at the way he blushes.
“Please.” he whines, palming his cock through his briefs.
“Please what, sweet boy?”
“Please let me-” he interrupts himself.
“Let me what?”
He mumbles something incomprehensible.
“Can’t hear you.” you tease him, grabbing his chin and tilting his face up.
“Let me make love to you.”
You let out a chuckle and shake your head fondly. This man has had you bent over his desk, in the confessional, behind the altar, on the benches where the devoted Catholics of this town attend mass, and yet he can’t bring himself to talk crudely.
You pull on his hair so he stands, and you kiss him ravenously, letting your hands roam over his lean body, the taste of his lips permanently etched in the back of your mind. You don’t want to forget a thing, so you commit to mind each of his little noises, the way his tongue swirls around yours, the soft caresses of his hands.
Clothes discarded in a blur, the room is filled with your moan and his grunts. He pounds into you like a desperate man, clinging onto you with a bruising touch, holding you impossibly close as if you were about to slip through his fingers. And in a way, you are.
When James makes love to you the world disappears and there’s no judgement, no church. He’s not a priest, you’re not a sinner; he’s not pure, you’re not sick.
It’s just you and him, united in one body. Just a man and a woman being one in the flesh.
His thrusts become sloppier, his breathing labored. He brings a hand on your clit and presses on it. He comes inside of you, painting your walls, and the feeling of his swollen cock inside you and his cum filling you up are enough to trigger your release too, your walls clenching on him and milking every last drop.
You’re exhausted, panting in each other’s embrace.
There’s no sin when you’re like this; you’re no longer the devil to his holy water.
There’s only love.
-
James’ desk in his office is dark and wide, with mahogany panels on all three sides except the one he sits at. So when Ms. Lee, the adorable elderly lady that organizes the monthly fundraising events for charity, knocks on the door as you’re bouncing on James’ cock, all you have to do is crouch down and disappear under the table.
“Good evening, Father James.” She greets him cheerfully.
You hear the tapping of her heels until she plops down on the guests chair.
“Good evening, Ms. Lee.” he responds in a strained voice, adjusting himself on the chair.
Ms. Lee speaks a lot. She’s talking James’ ear off, blabbering about the next charity event, and you think what better occasion than this one to be an indecent slut.
You slowly massage his thighs, bringing your hands from his knees to his groin, teasing him when you get close to his crotch and retracting.
You watch as his cock swells in front of you, and you bite back a giggle. You hear him suck in a breath when you start pumping his length with both your hands.
“Are you alright, James? You’re looking a little worse for wear.” Ms. Lee asks him worriedly when she sees her priest red and sweaty.
James clears his throat and when he’s about to open his mouth, you lick a strip from base to his leaking tip, and the noise that escapes him is between a moan and a grunt.
“Y-yes, Ms. Lee, I’m fine. Just some food poisoning I think.” he manages to answer, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand.
“Poor thing.” she coos, and you take his cock in your mouth, swirling your tongue around, sucking on the frail skin of under the tip, “Anyways-” she begins again.
James tries to keep his composure, but you sense his distress, and you imagine it must be written all over his face. One hand massages his balls, the other aids your movements as you bob your head up and down, careful not to make a noise. His legs twitch under the table when you push his cock all the way down to your throat, and he makes a strangled noise.
“Sweetie, are you sure you’re fine? You really don’t look like it.” Ms. Lee interjects again, interrupting her story.
“I’m fine ma’am, don’t worry about me.”, he says through gritted teeth, jaw clenched shut so hard he might break his teeth.
You give it all you’ve got until your jaw is aching and your knees are killing you. Your effort pays off when, with one last motion on your hands, James grunts and cums in your throat, hips jerking forward and legs shaking.
He comes so hard that you choke on his release.
“Did you hear it too?” she asks in alert.
“He-hear wh-what?” he stutters, pretending to cough to hide your noises.
“A choking sound?”
“Oh, no, don’t worry about that, just my cough.” he answers, red faced and spent.
“I guess…” she doesn’t sound convinced but lets it go anyways. She could never imagine her sweet priest is getting blown by a city whore under his desk, “I’ll get going then, but please get some rest Father, your holy duties can wait.”
They can indeed, you think, as James yanks you from underneath the table and bends you over the desk, fucking you until you’re crying.
-
“What makes you do the things you do?” he’s playing with your hair as he asks the question that’s been plaguing him for months, since that first time in the confessional.
You’re in a motel somewhere, two hours away from your town, laying on a bed like two lovers. In this room, you’re not a dirty little secret.
What excited you before, suffocates you now.
You thought you may only like the forbidden, but you find yourself at peace in his arms, that peace you’ve yearned for for 22 years, that peace you could never find, because people like you are born sick, that’s what you’ve been told your whole life.
“If I tell you, will you absolve me?” you ask, basking in his affection.
James is so sweet, so caring. You wish this moment could last forever.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that, my love. I’ve sinned too much myself.”
“My bad.” you giggle.
Silence falls on you, and you hum in though, pondering your next words very carefully.
“I don’t do them for any reasons, other than they feel good. It feels good to drink, to smoke, to fuck you, to suck your cock.”, you say, and he blushes in embarrassment, “Or maybe I never got over my teenage phase and I just like doing all the things my parents always told me not to do, who knows. Trauma? Maybe. Spite? Quite possibly. I don’t even know at this point.”
He nods slowly.
He wishes you could see yourself through his eyes, see how perfect you are. In his heart, there’s only love for you, in his mind, no more conflict.
“I do them for you.” he answers, and you smile at him, “And for myself, I guess. I thought I had found my way, but maybe I was wrong.”
You turn to look at him, and bop his nose.
“I’ll always love you, no matter what choice you make. I’ll wait for you if you ask me to.”
But his choice has been made already.
He doesn’t deserve his collar, but hopefully he deserves you.
-
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