carmen cygni
latin, meaning 'swan song'
a metaphorical phrase for a final gesture, effort, or performance given just before death or retirement
pairing: seungcheol x gn!reader
rating: M
wc: 1.7k
prompt: @caratober day 20 - zombie
summary: while out searching for supplies, you get bit trying to escape a small hoard of zombies. seungcheol is forced to do the unthinkable.
warnings: angst, seriously so much angst, all hurt no comfort, major character death (you), blood, guns, mercy killing, mentions of suicide, brief suicidal ideation
tags: zombie au, seriously this is just pain guys i'm warning you, non-linear narrative, flashbacks, some mild religious talks
a/n: this was originally a vmin fic i posted to ao3 (on valentine's day of all things holy shit was i okay) and decided to repost here for caratober. i am so sorry. (also fun fact it was the first time i'd ever cried while writing a fic :') this song is 98% to blame for this
five.
"Seungcheol."
It's the way you say his name that tells him something is very, very wrong. The syllables are weighted, heavy, resigned — two stones dropped in the ocean, sinking fast into a suffocating oblivion.
You say his name like the world is ending all over again.
Seungcheol finishes barricading the door from the pack of roamers outside, goosebumps rising on his skin through his sweat as dread courses through him in an icy wave, and he turns.
The first thing he sees is the blood. It's coated your hand where you have it pressed to your right side, just above the hip.
"Fuck, y/n—" His mind is immediately sent spiraling into an anxious overdrive, wondering when and how and where you could have gotten hurt, whether the basic supplies you have between the two of you will be enough until the roamers leave and you can make it back to camp, if—
And then you lift your hand, revealing the wound. It's messy, flesh torn and bleeding steadily — but despite all of that, it's impossible to miss the distinct impression of a set of human teeth.
You've been bit.
You've been bit, and the world drops out from beneath Seungcheol's feet.
"No." He stumbles closer, trembling fingers reaching out and stopping just shy of the wound, before looking into your watery eyes. "No."
It's a command if he's ever given one — because with all of the things the both of you have had to suffer through, had to see and hear and experience these last few years, this had never been a possibility. Never.
Never like this. Never you.
The hand not covering your bite comes up and fists into the front of his shirt. "Cheol."
A million things go unsaid with that single syllable, but Seungcheol can hear them all, can see each one etched into your devastated expression. And because he will always, always, put your needs above his own, he shoves all the crumbling pieces of his own heart down and down and away, instead making room for you to step into his arms and cry against his chest — a mourning for something that has yet to be lost.
You grieve, and Seungcheol refuses to shed a single tear.
four.
"Y/n? What's the matter— why are you crying?"
You giggled, angelic as always, even through the tears. "I'm just... really happy, Cheollie."
"You are?"
"Yeah, just..." You bit your lip, and without thinking, Seungcheol reached out to smooth his thumb over it. You sighed into a smile and leaned into his touch.
"We've all lost so much, you know?" you continued. "But we were still able to find each other — able to find all the others and make a family. And now we have a relatively safe place to live, and I just—"
You beamed at him, laughing, even as tears continued to trickle down your cheeks. Seungcheol wiped them away as gently as he could, and you brought up the little wildflower you'd been holding, one you must've plucked from between the dozens of others that grew in the abandoned courtyard of your new home.
You continued with a nostalgic grin. "Did you know, the first thing you ever gave me was a handful of these?"
Seungcheol blinked down at the flower. "Really?"
"Yeah, I'd just saved you from the homicidal goose that was lurking on the campus quad, and you ripped out a bunch of these right out of the ground and gave them to me as thanks, and then you said—"
"My knight in ripped denim armor," he continued for you, the memory coming back to him with a smile, "can I take you out on a date?"
You beamed at him, eyes turning into crescents, and Seungcheol thought that the world had never felt more beautiful.
three.
You look dead.
"Y/n, hey," Seungcheol whispers, carefully nudging your bare shoulder. Your skin has lost most, if not all, of its color, and you're drenched in sweat. For a moment, your eyes remain closed, unresponsive, and his stomach swoops in fear, but then your eyes flutter open and he breathes out a shaky sigh.
"There you are," he murmurs, cradling your jaw with one hand. "Drink some water for me, yeah?" You nod, and he brings the nearly empty water bottle to your lips, tilting it slowly so you can take little sips. After a few mouthfuls, you hum to indicate you've had enough, and he sets it back down before gently pulling you to lean against him once more.
You let your head loll against his shoulder, groaning quietly; you start to reach out a shaky hand between the two of you, and he takes it immediately, twining your fingers together. You sigh, content.
For a moment, Seungcheol almost forgets.
"You're gonna need to do it soon, Cheollie," you mumble.
Almost.
His fingers twitch in your hold. He swallows.
A part of him wants to play dumb, wants to put off thinking of the horror of the inevitable as long as possible, but that would be the selfish thing to do, he thinks. So he squeezes your hand and whispers, "I know."
You squeeze back. "And you're not allowed to follow me, okay?"
Seungcheol stills. "What?"
"I know you, Choi Seungcheol, and I know what you're gonna wanna do after— after. But you have to promise me that you won't, okay?"
He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Something's encased his lungs in a vice grip.
You continue, "I need you to be strong for me, and I need you to get back to the group, and I need you to survive, okay?" Your eyes, redrimmed and glossy as they are, are wide and pleading, desperate in a way he's not sure he's ever seen before.
Seungcheol hadn't known that his heart could break any more than it already has. "Y/n."
"I know you won't want to live at first," you forge on, holding onto his hand like a lifeline, "I wouldn't either. But Shua and Hannie need you, Cheol. Channie needs you. They'll all need you, and you'll need them."
You're the one they need, he doesn't say — bites back behind clenched teeth, you're the one I need, the one I've always needed, the one I won't ever stop needing.
He closes his eyes, your name falling past his lips in a plea or a prayer.
Suddenly, he's being yanked toward you by the collar, coming nose to nose with your fiery, bloodshot gaze. "I need you to promise me."
And for the first time in his life, Seungcheol hates the fact that he's never been able to deny you anything. "Fuck you, y/n," he chokes out past a sob, reaching out to cradle your pallid face and press a trembling kiss to your lips.
"Seungcheol."
"Okay," he croaks, stealing one more kiss before bringing your sweaty foreheads together. "Okay, I promise."
Anything for you. Even this. Even this.
two.
"Lay with me for a bit, Cheollie?"
His smile was soft as he easily agreed, "Of course." He made himself comfortable in the grass next to you, making sure the two of you were connected shoulder to hip.
You both lost track of how long you spent staring at the stars in silence together, but eventually Seungcheol broke the quiet with a murmur. "What're we looking for?"
You hummed. "The way to heaven."
"Heaven?"
"Yeah." Your hand snuck its way into his and gently squeezed. "My aunt believed in capital 'G' God — used to point out all the different constellations to me and then tell me that when Jesus came back for everyone that he'd take us all up into heaven through the stars."
"Hmm." He chanced a glance at your profile. "Is that what you believe?"
You sighed. "I don't know if I believe in anything, anymore."
"Yeah." He squeezed your hand.
A few minutes passed in peaceful quiet.
"Cheollie?"
"Hmm?"
"Promise me something?"
Another squeeze of your hand. "Anything."
You swallowed. "Stay with me forever?"
Seungcheol rolled over onto his side so that he could look down at you, the love of his life, and tilted your face towards him with a gentle finger crooked under your chin. Voice full of a devout sort of conviction, he whispered, "There's not a single place I'd rather be than right by your side, forever and always."
"Forever and always?"
The kiss, soft and chaste and a universe all on its own, was answer enough.
one.
"Seungcheol."
Your voice is so quiet now, barely a rasp of air, that he almost doesn't hear you even as he cradles you against his chest. "Cheol, it's time."
He wonders if this is what drowning feels like.
He takes a deep, shuddering breath and swallows the lump clogging his throat. "Okay, love. Tell me what you need."
"Sing for me?"
Anything for you — even if it breaks me. "Yeah," Seungcheol's voice cracks, and he futilely clears his throat. "Yeah, of course. What song?"
I might not die, but this is going to kill me. You're killing me.
"S-Something pretty. Please."
Don't make me do this. Please, God, anyone, don't make me have to do this.
"Okay. A pretty song for my pretty baby." With one arm he pulls you impossibly closer to him, and with the other, he slowly reaches for the pistol strapped to his thigh.
He can barely get the notes out past his tears, but he does his best to carry the tune of your favorite lullaby, gently swaying you both in time with imaginary instruments. The gun feels impossibly heavy in his hold, and it only grows heavier as he slowly brings it up behind your head.
For a moment, he considers changing the angle just a bit — just enough.
But he made a promise. He made a promise, and even if it means living the rest of his life as something less than human — not a roamer in body and mind, but in spirit and soul — he'll keep his promise.
For you, he'll do anything.
(zero.)
He pulls the trigger.
And for the second and final time, Choi Seungcheol's entire world comes to an end.
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