another crazy ass super late update w waaaay too much info
Hey y’alll... I’m kinda back? Sorry again for never being on this account. I want to be on it more but I get so consumed with my life and then I forget... not an excuse but an explanation.
TW for all the usuals (drugs, etc) plus fun high school bs cropping up 2 1/2 years later :)
So last time I updated I was excited about going back to school and was feeling really lost and alone, as well as hopeless about my romantic life and my really intense cravings to smoke weed. A lot has changed since then... lol
My school decided to only do online schooling, understandably, but it sent me into a horrible spiral when they announced that. The idea that I’d be stuck at home for another 5 months... I just couldn’t take it. There’s a reason I went to boarding school after treatment. My parents fucking suck!!!! So I was venting to one of my best friends (C) who lives in another country even though she goes to school in the US (we met in treatment) and she invited me to come stay with her and her family in that country for a few months just so I could get away from my family... and now I’m there! I have dual citizenship with that country and the US because one of my parents is originally from there, so she applied for me to get dual citizenship when I was born, and I still have family here. Anyways, I’m now starting week 2 of my quarantine (which ends on Sunday (sep 20th) but I’m so happy to be here. I needed to get away and COVID just isn’t as bad here and I feel less depressed and like life maybe isn’t that hopeless, which is exciting!!!
I have smoked a bit more recently but I’m trying to lessen it or make sure I’m only doing it when I’m interacting with friends (either in person or via facetime).
So, since I got to this country, there’s been a couple slightly interesting things occurring, relationship-wise. C is dating this guy and has been for the last 2 months and I guess he has a friend (J) who’s single and got really hyped when he found out C had a friend coming into town. C told him if he wanted to even attempt to be with me in anyway whatsoever he had to be my friend first and take things hella slow, but apparently he’s kinda a himbo so who knows if he’ll heed that warning. He added me on snap and told me he’s gonna take me out to a meal and later C told me he was bragging to her bf about how impressive it is that he said that (I think he’s kinda a fuckboy but C said her bf was initially too). Idk how I feel about any of this. I’m trying to not pass any judgment until I meet him a few times.
A few nights ago, I got a snapchat message from this dude (JB) I knew from junior/senior year of high school (after treatment). Now, when we were in high school we were best friends. I had a small group (A, M, JB, and myself) and we all hung out all the time and were super close. A and JB dated junior year and then almost dated again senior year but she kinda ghosted him last minute and started dating someone else. JB also dated two other girls our senior year (this info is all relevant I promise). JB and I were kinda like brother/sister- we got along really well and had similar sense of humor but there wasn’t any attraction between the 2 of us. He liked skinny, kinda crazy (in the whole “omg I’m so fucked up pay attention to me” obnoxious way where they aren’t actually mentally ill, just annoying) girls and I was overweight and even though I’m legitimately mentally ill, I’m stable and high-functioning, and also... he’s short (well the same height as me but I’m tall) and skinny and just not my type... but anyways there was no attraction there. After high school, we all kinda stopped talking. M was a freshman while we were all seniors (I stayed in contact with him and still consider him to be like a little brother- I love him sm he’s my lil baby), but I haven’t talked to JB or A much since. We all went off to college and started new lives... JB and I talked a bit over that summer between senior year of high school and freshman year of college and he did call me a few times throughout freshman year (holy fuck that’s when I started this acc......) but whenever he’d call he’d only talk about himself. He’d talk about how he was drinking too much and smoking too much and he’d say kinda racist shit about his girlfriend at the time’s exes (since they were black... I guess that reflected poorly on her in his mind... fucked up mindset in my opinion) and he’d never ask me about myself. I was in overwhelming, immense pain constantly because of my ankle... I was high all the time and drinking regularly too, while hiding it from everyone, including my therapist. I was in a dark place and there he was calling me to talk about himself for really long periods of time.
Anyways, I started avoiding his calls after awhile and then he stopped calling. He doesn’t know I had my ankle surgery. He doesn’t know I took a semester off of college to recover. He doesn’t know I met my genetic mom. He doesn’t know I’m struggling with some issues still. Then, in December 2019, the day after my mom had a heart attack, he started frantically messaging me on snapchat, begging me to talk. I told him that I couldn’t, that my mom was in the hospital and I was overwhelmed, that I had a ton of dr appointments and meetings and needed to make sure my mom was okay, but he wouldn’t lay off. I guess I felt some sort of loyalty towards him since we used to be so close, so I said “okay, you can call me anytime in the next 30 minutes, but that’s it” and he responded immediately, saying “I’ll call you in 5 minutes”. He never fucking called. After that, I decided I was done. He’s no longer my friend. And we hadn’t spoken since until a couple weeks ago where he messaged me and told me he missed me and I responded with a “yeah it’s been awhile” and then left him on read after he responded back with some other bs.
Then this past weekend, he messages me out of nowhere talking about how he misses me and again, I say “yeah, it’s been awhile”. He says that there’s been something he’s wanted to tell me for a long time and he wishes he would’ve said something when we were in high school. I asked what the fuck he was talking about and he was like “I wish we could’ve dated. You were always so nice to me and we got along really well. I thought you were beautiful, caring, funny, and sweet. We had the sense sense of humor and enjoyed doing the same stuff. I liked you a lot and wish we could have dated.”... I was like.. “Uhhh... what made you realize this?” and he said “Idk I just realized it now” and I was like “yeah I’m just a little shocked because it never seemed like there was any type of relationship vibes there” and he was like “really?” and I was like “dude... you literally dated 2 girls and almost dated a 3rd...” and he was like “I feel like I knew I liked you then” so at that point I facetimed my friend M and was like “did JB like me in high school” and he was like “nah he liked A and those 2 other girls” and I was like “yeah, he’s saying some bs and I just need confirmation that I didn’t miss any signs” and he was like “yeah you guys were just really good friends” so I messaged JB back and was like “so what motivated you to tell me this” and he said “I don’t know I just felt like I should tell you” and I was like “well where do we go through here”... now, I said this knowing he’d say he wanted to date. I didn’t want to date him but I did want to let him down easily. M had told me while we were facetiming that JB had dropped out of college and gone to rehab so he was obviously struggling. I think he’s just super lonely during quarantine and he’s reflecting on high school (when he last felt happy) and is creating something that wasn’t there in hopes that it’d be reciprocated and he’d feel less lonely. He and A both had relationship/intimacy issues and were both really hyperfocused on always being in a relationship, so I’m not surprised he’s still like that. I am surprised it’s gotten to a point where it’s delusional...
Anyways, he responded saying “where do you wanna go?” and I said “I asked you first” and he said “I want you wbu” and I said “I don’t know dude... I’m a super different person than I was 2 1/2 years ago and I’m sure you are too and I’m just not sure if we’d be compatible now that all this time has passed... also I live in a diff country now so we’d never actually see each other.” I know saying I live in a diff country now is kinda lying because it makes it seem like I moved permanently but I think it was necessary to get my message across so I don’t feel bad. He responded and he was like “yeah I guess that’s true” and I said “yeahhhhh” and he was like “I really want to be with you” and I said “I guess timing is everything” and he said “yeah I guess :(” and then I left him on read and that was the end of that conversation. I feel like a really good person for letting him down as nicely as I did because I felt like saying “nah I’m not fucking into you” especially since he’s been such an awful and selfish friend since we left high school, but I decided to be the bigger person because I know he’s struggling right now. And I feel sad that he’s reached a point in his life where he’s creating something that never existed because he’s so lost and alone and confused. I wish I could be there for him but I just can’t...
My therapist says I can be too loyal to people sometimes. Even when people hurt me, I’m still there and I feel like I owe it to them to stick around and support them. I pretend like I’ll drop anyone that hurts me, but it’s obvious I’m loyal since I’m still willing to treat this dude with more kindness in this one interaction than he’s given me in 2 1/2 years. I want to be a kind person but I don’t want to be loyal to a fault... I think it’s harmful and self destructive. I need to work on it.
Anyways, last night when I got out of the shower I had a towel wrapped around me and felt something weird and looked down and a giant spider was crawling around on my tiddy... I screamed so loud I’m surprised the family I’m staying with didn’t come running into the guesthouse from the main house to make sure I’m okay lol. I killed it with my textbook, which is now sitting in the corner of the room because I’m not in the right mental space to clean spider guts off a textbook after that whole ordeal.
C’est la vie...
Day 297. (LEVEL 30.18707%)
okay! well work was fine today. liek stressful because i was trying to finish and fix everything but thats okay. do the narcs. heh. honeslty, the community ins mash is shit. ii mean what else do you expect when your community is made up of underage nerdy seweaty socially inexperienced gamers who have self esteem issues. its pretty rare to find normal people. yeah thats true. thi always felt kinda uncomfortable. the community lmao. thats hwy i dotm like gaming. i dont relaly likek the community. so dam a commjnty of sweaty nerdy udnersage socially stunted peple. thats why i dont really think much of video game communities. i do like video games but i dont like a lot of peopel who like video games. especiallyt hecompetitive ones. yea it was a distractiona nd wast of time hahah. i wanna be overrun with feelings and purpose and doing what i want bu thten i think i have to bring my car in nayway. why not wait til wed/? hmm that strue. well i needed to eat. so theres that. lemme do this and then come home. i can sxericse or do whatever i feel like. i have a lot of things i could do. the fire. hmmmmm. i guess it depends. ill leave soon within 10 minutes. interesting perspective. he was basically just like a insturtion video. just custom to where he was. and just play step by step, second by second. just learn, dont judge, and just figure it out and get better. and enjoy and be curious. i can do that for lessons and such. youtube vids are good for perspective. hmmm. so i . just think abotu future scenarios and such and learn. or just apply instantly. dam im just liek so exhausted. im so fucking grateful that my car was fine and im all go to go movin gforward. fucking yeahhhhh. yayl ., . idk im just tired. am i low on faith or something idk i still think i just dont feel like it. i pushed already a lot. i only worked 5 hours but it dseemed like a lot. the inertia is going on thoguh so im sitll where i am right no with no difference. i hav ea lot of stuff im curious about. maybe i do need a nap. i find myself lOOKING FOR DISTRACTIONS. wheneve ri feel this way. i lack persistence and belief i know. hmmm. there just so much unsaid in asian movies and it fucking hurts. just fucking say it. it snot like america where peple will jsut say it. they dont want confrontation and dont want to be unahppy or bring the mood down. but you gotta thingk about yourself too. and have real conversations because thats wha ta reeal relationship actually is about. thats what it is all about. si guess. thats just what im talking about. maybe its important to say that. shes used to relationships while im used to not doing it. its like pointless. yeah i get it. i wouldnt stay here otherwise. heh. hmmm. i set he difference. its exaclty what is happening. so i thin i need to learn it and deal with it becase it keeps coming up on my things. shes cute. okay. welll. looks can be a lot different. but she smy type anyways. heh. lets do something that will make me sweat. i am motivated by THIS NEED OR I HAVE TO. AND THEN HTIS TRAGEDY OF NOT HAVING ENOUGH TIME. but what about having too much time. hmmm. i dont get it. i need to be relaxed. i gues sint he other mindset i want to be like i JSUT WISH I HAD THIS TIME AND THEN I WOUDL BE SOOOO RODUCTIVE. I WANT TO BE THIS. SO BAD. I FELT IT FOR A SECOND. ITS SO GROSS. that people are like. that people want it so badly and are addicted to love or like just want someone to say the words to them, even if its fake. like shieeeet. its like. the japanese arent used to talking about feelings. so they cant look at each othe ror be direct about it becasue i guess just give a tip with a smile or they wilr eutrenb with formality. but thats fine i guess. fuck im so disgusting. i hate this i hate thsi fucking gross ass eczema and how it fucks up my skina nd peels it outff and makes tit wierd colored and gross. im going back to y diet. fuck the twice a thing plan. fuck that shieeeet. you are good enoguh. you dotn ahve to think you are jsut the friend. thats pretty uncmmon and rare and unexpected. dont ever have sex with a woman unles you know the relatinship. a lot of peopek have problems with feelings and history and past trauma or everything. i hat eit when peopel are stupid. lmao. you knp ow i purposeldy made it a point to avoid paiin by being smart, which is why i decided to be real and everything and theres no words. say some words bro. like it coudl be misunderstood or something. i want to be understood. so say how youf eel. oh my god my feet are sOOO FUCKING GROSS. fuck good tasting food. fuck it. i see the cost. it is ugly. i am determined to have normal feet and be good to myt feet and take care of mty feet and wash em everyday. fuck that bathroom though. mayeb every ther day from now until i get a real bathroom. oh shit. excistement. she is just so badass. even in the midt of depression yo think abotu soemone and its liek its nogthing. not only does it not matter. but we are being cocky, we are being strong. we have fire. we have fukcing fire. its a feeling . when youa re home alone or after a hard days work or on a day off,. remember hte feeling. badass. when isee people busy and chasing after hteir dreams it makes me want to do the same. maye i lack confidence and visiona nd faith.i lack ocnfidence. have more confdience inyourself. you can do anything. thank you anna. you taught me to remember. i ca do anythign. i want to go after what i want. i had forgotten... the exitement of starting agian. i gues syouw aste a lot of time thinking abotu if its all worth it and such. youw aste a lot of time instead of just doing it. 298 days baby. or 297 days baby.e i have to finish by that date. also being sad and in pain is awesome because it means you can write heartfelt songs. tHE TWO OF US CHASING AFTER OUR DREAMS TOGETHER. THATS MY DREAM. AND MY IDEAL RELATIONSHIP. the two of us, chasing our dreamstogether. this story is, and always was, about two girls with the same name. NANA. haha ive realized what i wanted. i wanted a real life anime waifu. hahah. but like ebautiful adn strong and kind. the big 3 i guess. ahhhh. maybe i can ise that as motivation. while im young anyway. maybe its the fight to fight numbness. its useufl in exterme situations. but its also good to feel emotions even if they make youd istressed or mad or angry because its real and you can feel aliv and then transfeorm them use them for bettering your music or releasing it in a healthy way. lmao. i actually feel heat when i see someone i like who views me. lmao. well thats ifne. it was a wild thing anyway. i dont want to see. i guess. i just dont look. i dont know if itw as a waste of money lol. but 30 bucks so cheap so whatever. i just need ot make sure to cancel by october. anyway i cant worry too much about hte other person liking me. i just have ot worry about if i like the othe rperson. im naturally ckind f choosy and i know the pictures arent great but it is what it is. so oh well. i do much better in real life hwich is why id rathe rmeet someone in real life but i gues sit sa supplement, like ten minutes a day or something. if security is a myth and an illusion, then there i sno idfference between going for it and not going for it. i want to find the woman of my dremas. just saying. so you dont need tos ettle because i hav efaith it will happen ill jsut try my best to go out and apply. beautiful and kind and strong. this is a godo one. every few i get one that really makes me stop and think. security is amyth. well absolute security. but there is degrees of security and it can totally make you feel better. but the absecne of absolute security does not mean there is no such thing a ssecurity. there is just levels fo it. but just kow that if abosolute securityis impossible then understand the spectrum and the risks. what kind of an adventurer am i? am i an eager participant in life? life is a gift. life is an adventure. will yo go on it or wil you be numb? i will go on it and see what happens. i thik hinge is better for me because i jsut wait for girls to like me hahaha. i need to have goals for each session. otherwise i dont get what i want done or dont put the time into it. like. i want ot get throught he songs and understand each part of the song.
Day 14, 15. (LEVEL 29, 86.98%)
a few hours at the cafe alright well after a few hours hereeee. funhy to see mark. i guess. he didnt seem super into it. i guess i coulda just like sat with him. but if hes not welcoming then yeah. you have to ask of course. but still. idk. hmmm. its like study partners. how long you here. it was like. well. ill leave you alone. well, ill let you get back to work. let me know if you wantna do something im around for a bit. let me know if you wanna do something. ill be around. hmm. i kinda wante to do my own thing. but if you wanna do something toio thats cool. hhehehe. i shoudla sked if he wanted to do. i shoudl FOUND OUT HIS PURPOSE AND MY PURPOSE ANSHARED MINE AND LET HIM KNOW IF HE WANTS TO DO SOMETHING. BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I DONT SPECEISFALLY WANT TO DO ANYTHING. YEAH THTS TRUE. YEAH. you know, i was described as emo and then more recently as unenergetic. and i see iti n themanga i read that it was coola nd iwanted to be it. but relaly, that life is no fun. yeah it isnt. i want o jus tthink and consider and everything. hmmm. it is kinda cool, but not too much. i want more. i already have some of that ingrained in me automaticallya nd ncontrollable. but dont lean towards it more. yeah. its not the answer. thats it. just know that. okay i want to read more manga but its too public kinda. like not really only a few people but still whatever. it might be too much. anyways. i came here fo ra reason. i just wanted a different perspective and everything. and just talka nd be open and a way of being. its relaly pretty here. sooo. in terms of huse. if i coudl just work parttime and have my passive income and then just live on less, that would be great. what i want... is to not work and have enough ot live and do decent. all my money is now being used to pay for loans and future passive income and future savings and such. heyyyy. marky mark. lmaoooo. marky mark. lmaoooo. i like it. im already almost done lol. i need to slow my rolll. okay. ermmm. sooo cool. its like. reversed by the introduction fo a few people, strong peopel in the right places. and then its a free thing. can i live off of 2k a month? probably. if htat 2k was not being used for rent and utilities and what else... how much do i use. i try to live off 1k a month for free things and such. 2 days a week. thats great. thats like 2400 a month which is great. why not just not hav ea wedding. yeahhhhhh. lmao. why have a wedding at all. thats right. i kinda dont want to hav ea wedding. who said that weddings shoudl cost 30k. who said that. once i pay of fmy debts and loans i can live off a lot less. 600 less for student loans, and i can live pretty comfortably i think. im not thinking of costs of kids adn shit,, but sacrificing trips and eating out and some stuff is worth not having to work more days a week. yeah. thats the dream... can i make it a reality sooner? its about balance.... and this thing about just focusing on one thing... well idk. thers jSUT SO MUCH THAT I WANT TO DOOOOOO. i cant. i can mini focus. like right now im jsut doing a few things like interpersonal relationships and dating an dall that jazz and then martial arts. im sickish though so im taking a break. maybe later this week fi im feeling good or just start next week? bascially whenever i dont feel sick and feel good. i want it. and i like this balance between being cool and a being actionable badass and also haveing fun and love and all that stuff. hmm. actually, im not that excited about these other titles. ill read to be current and itll be intersting but right now i want to work on myself. how can i reach my goal quicker and still have time in the present? is 15 years hte balance? or should i try to do more. hmmm. i think what happens will wokr out for me, theres good and bad thingsa bout both things. if i get less hours now then i cna have more time in the present. if i can im not really hiphop. im more emo hahahah. passive income? yeahhhhhh. lets see. you are interacting with the whole big wide world. what do i truly want to do. well good. and am i ready for improv? in front of an audience sire. i think i can do it. it will be nervous and shit but i think it s naturally just like that. yeah. well whatever. its only 20 minutes. its my opportunity! yeahhhh. just have fun with it and enjoy it. sundayyyy. im excited. i0ll get there a little after 4 and see. i couldnt remember if she had said 4 or 430. hmmm. i want to feel everything. i want to feel the pressure and the eyes and the judgement and the support adn fly as high as i can with everyoen support. oh yeah. i want a body like this manga version of poseidon. amazing. hehehe. shoulders bakc and chest out. jts accurate, not overdoing it. you can be coola nd abadass and loving and silly and dumb with shoudlers back and chest out. it actually feels like sits inevitable for my body to be like that. shoudl i be thinking about it more and notstop and such? yeah it woudl definitely help. hmmmmmmm. what time to go back? 3 pm i think. yeah. lets set a hard cap of 3 pm. thats af ew hours. i gotta go for a few hours. yeah. near davis. yeah i jsut wanted to come here i think. it sa cool place. heheheh. i want to work out kinda also. hmmm. sunday. yayyyy. read or music. or body. hmmm. idunno. okay so single focus. what feeling do i want now. what will i be right now/? i can be by doing, or do i do by being? hmmm. righ tnow i be just neutral and lazy. ado i want it or do i feel it authentically. hmmm. a thought changes my body? hmmm. unlock htis feeling. hmm.m five times?? it feels great. singularity. waves. deathwave. lmaooo. dating? yeah i kinda want to do it. hmmmmm. ill write in my notebook. what else do iw ant ot do. traininig and this my purpose. so all you have to do is just want something, not knowing how to do it, and not having to look into the best way to do something. jsut setting a tiny goal and thinking about it all the time and you will make decisions to support that? i really do need to write my instrucitons. shit!! \ i do hav ea lot of belly fat for some strange reason. ive only been on my diet for a month so far, so its not enough to get rid of all that fat. i definitely can see differences with ab workouts and such. hmmm. i sitll dont have enough time hahah. its better int he am. or is it better to have the am off so i can enjoy and use that time im not sure. but i dooo like that i can keep my blinds open til 630 or 7. heheh. quinoa maybe has carbs and stuff but i think the health benefits are worth it. definitely. no rice anymore huh? so chipotle and stuff ill jsut get no riiiice. eggfruit lmao. okay so fruit is great, just dont eat too much. you should have a cheat day every week so you dont adjust to your new normal. hmmm. interesting. okay great. onc ea aweek ill do it. cehat day is mandatory for balance. cheat day list! korean fried chicken and yume. yessss. that hwa ti want the most atleast 5 days inbetween, thats ilke 1 day less lmao. okay reading is super hepful. im still eating sugar from condiments. okay. look for no sugar in condiments! ketchup and okay imma go home and test out how much sugar in my balsamic vinaigrette and in my organic ketchup. hjmmmmm. dry means less sugar. heheheh. i just drink red wine cuz it gets me drunk and its the least bad for me. okay. im a red winer. just for health reasons. cuz i like getting drink with people socially on occasion but i dont wattn to get fucke dup. butttt. if i drink and make it my cheat day, then... its red win, like sauvignon or merlot or something except for my cheat day when i can drink whateve ri like most. rum and coek? okay. tequila? sure. okay good to know, just eat within 30 minutes of waking up. youw ill loose a lot of fat. maybe i shoudl add eggs to my smoothie or to my salad. hmmmm. its protein yeah. idk. i jsut have plant protein instead. 2-3 eggs at breakfast. or like more protein. thats true. the kidney things is a vampire myth i heard, so ill just consume more protein. yeah. like a full scoop or a scoop and a half. hmmm. drink a lot of water. i wanna look like an anime character lmao. a super col anime character. hmmm. alright imma go soon. just one more hting. music. its like. i have a dream where i just organize songs i like and want ot elarn by key adn then they have their own scales and i just study from my heroes. its what influence is relaly. yeah thats true. i also want to find out about otne. tmr i also have a thing in the morning okay. i wont eat. but imm aeat like a motherfucker afterwards. ill make food and eat as soon as i finish. tomorrow is the final thing. hwo knows what the body really does. its like you gotta try. that car is sleek! hmm. wha tkidn of car is that. im not sure. hmmm. so music. i just wish i had more free time ot do . i never want my time that i waste in the morning more than when i dont have it and have to do other othings. oh well. time to go baecause its almost itme to do stuff. yeah. byeee. well i wasnt nervous because i waswnt prepared hahah. iw as so far awya from it. i was just like. i didnt really kjnow what to do and everything. you know. fuck. its clear whos there. and i should be mroe seroius or more open atleast. i love harmless weird shit haahaha. but yeah. love. i just feel kinda sick. i knew not to go down and to hid eit kinda. though not relaly. i just blaanekd out. its like my mind waas protecting me. oh well. im not in a great mood. maybe not in a good mood even. but i did do it, which took bravery. but still. yeahahhh. hmmm. its like crazY and shit. and seeing what the othe rpeopel were doing at higher levels, maybe i dont wanna do it. its just not fun kinda. and its gets tiring. ill try the sketch comedy later on and just see how if eel. y eah. well. 9insterpersonal relationships tried but i didnt commit. hey yeahhhhh. idk im jsut wanting to escape. im sure i did fine. but its like. i just didnt do as good as i could have. there is a block in my brain that pregvents me from thinking to a sitaution. becuase i dont get it or dont know which way to commit to. hmmm. i jsut dont think i can do it? and today was a reminder of that. i will try somethigne lse. but it just doesnt seem like a godo avienue. shoudl it est it in my. the thing is that i dont commit to my feeligns. i let it fester and think rationally about it. so no wonder i aint great at improvising even if im funny. cuz i just dont runw ild with my feeligns. im too controlled. oh well. thts was a nice journey and try and place to visit but i think im good. i learned a little and had some itneresting thoughts. thought i could get better at it.... ill take this sketch class and then try again. yeah. maybe i was coool. i dont know.... hwo knows hahaha. mayeb i was fudcking aweosme. loolllll. well wahtever. i coudl mayeb try it agian next time. well i felt not great afterwards in terms of self esteeem. ,.ahhh . nooooo. i messed it up. ok ok i get it. whatever the problem is, playign music is the answer. got it. honestly on piano i just want to play a few osngs i love. id rather focus on others stuff but its soooo beautiful. i want to play it wheneve ri gt hte chance. -lalaland -sideline story -fairy fountain -say something i jsut want to learn these 4 songs and then i dont give a fuck about learning any othe rpiano. i learned that i dont really carea bout piano lessons. i jsut want to learn a few. id rather do singign lessons. maing songs lessons usinga computer program?? maybe..... but yeah. good with piano after these! and probably good with improv but i do wan to play more. will it help i dont know. but focus on stuff remember.