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#yeah i am Quite Aware of my mental health so far this month depression is gnawing on my head like a chew toy
pansyfemme · 1 year
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Yo Jude. You've been taking T for a while. I already deal kinda with mood changes soemtimes. I've always wondered, when you do your shot, is the mood changes that bad? Everything always talks abt like ups and downs on T. Is it as like... servere as things make it out? If it's ok to ask, is it comparable to like mood changes like when youre on your period (bc I certainly have those ack). All in all just kinda would like to know your experiences if that's ok? Cause I am kinda worried abt experiencing mood drops all the time forever until I stop T or something. Otherwise I am so excited to start it one day
Hi! Yeah i dont mind talking abt this at all!
Just a little info abt my history with T for refrence, I do weekly injections, so this refers to that but idk if its similar for other methods, ive been on for 4 years come the 6th of febuary. I’m pretty consistant when it comes to shots, but i miss from time to time. I’ve been on the same dose, 0.3, since i started. When I started I was 14 and had a horomone blocker implant i had had for six months at that point. I remained on both until i was six months on t, when I had the implant removed.
Since I was so young when I started hrt and blockers, I had only been having a cycle (my preferred term, and what i refer to it as going forward) for a few years at that point, and as i was young, it was pretty irregular, but hit me like a truck every time. I’m afraid i can’t really give a detailed experience of my mood swings related to my cycle, because those years were also when my psychosis and depression was at it’s worse. I would rarely leave bed when i had my cycle, but that’s a combonation of severe dysphoria, chronic illness worsening, and mental health. Im sure it contributed, but it’s hard to tell what was what.
Now that ive been in recovery and have been on t for a while, i will tell you what my mood changes have been. When i miss my shot, i feel much more emotional. i’m capable of crying much more than usual, and often can be sent into despair easily. T evens out after a while, but the beginning stages of t are pretty messy. You feel a lot of complicated things. Although T is euphoric, you are hyperaware of yourself, including the negative changes. You’re likely acne-prone, sweatier than you’ve ever been and its hard to avoid the sexual changes like bottom growth and horniness that is pretty unavoidable, and takes a greater toll on your mental health than you think. I’m going to be honest, you feel gross as hell, and a lot of that is good gross, i guess? Like i dont want to pretend its all bad by any means, I have never once regretted t or thought about going off of it besides maybe far off in the future when im further in my transition and might not feel the need for it anymore. But the reality is, it's puberty. It's also a puberty that is quite different from the one you went through before (if u did, ofc) And for a lot of trans guys, even though it's what we ultimatly want, it brings up conflicting feelings. Some stuff i feel that isn't talked about a lot is how an incresed sexual drive can make you feel, because its not always postive, it made me feel disgusted at myself at first. Another big factor is pretty much every part of your body that emits some kind of odor is going to change drastically. For the most part, a lot of early t days was being impatient that the changes weren't happening fast enough but also horrified at how fast other things were. Bottom growth is talked about a lot, but not everyone knows that it can start within the first week of your injection, the fastest change by far. I'm aware you were specific about mood swings, so i'll get into that now, but I wanted to list some other emotional changes in relation to physical changes in case they're relevant. I'm a hyperemotive person by nature, so I tended to get them pretty strongly at first. When I was barely a few months on, i strongly remember breaking down in sudden fits of dysphoria. I am going to be very honest, if you have the resources to see a counseler or therapist, I highly reccomend seeing one during your transition. Not everyone is able to, but if you can, It's good to speak about your transition with someone professionally for many reasons, ofc to help you explore your feelings around it and develop managment techiniques, but also a big one is that if you plan to get any surgeries, theres a pretty big chance you need a letter from a professional therapist to get past insurance (i needed two) so its a good idea to be seeing one for a little while before you get it. I would say that severity of mood changes probably depends on lots of things. like, personally if i keep my levels pretty stable i dont notice any immediate changes after each shot, but i've heard ppl who's mood changes everytime they do their injection as well. If you keep your levels at a healthy number and consistantly keep that up, you're less likely to experience spikes and falls. If you go through an endocronologist like i do, you will have to get bloodwork pretty regualrly, at first it was every three months, now i only do it once a year, but i dont know about getting it from other sources like planned parenthood. For me, T is well worth the emotional changes, but it's not some kind of electric magic, it's medication and there will be good and bad effects.
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dreamlogic · 3 years
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jenonctcity · 4 years
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My Beginning - Part 1
Differences – Lee Jeno
Part of the Bad Boy Series.
Badboy!Au, Streetfighter!Au
Warnings: Mentions of past abuse, talk of drugs, aggression, mention of mental health, mention of blood/violence. 
Word Count: 5.9k
(I recommend reading Haechan’s part first to understand this part more clearly.)
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Jeno had a rough start to life. He was raised in a poor family with an abusive father and depressed mother. To let off some steam and make some money to support himself, he took up underground street fights at the age of 15. And he was really fucking good at it. Finally his father pushed him too far one night and at the age of 18 Jeno did what he’d wanted to do since before he could even remember, and he beat up his dad until his face was almost unrecognisable. He was sentenced to a year in prison for his crime, but he thought it was worth it and doesn’t regret it. Now fresh out of prison, he’s back in the underground fighting scene and adjusting to life on the outside without having to worry about his father for the first time in his life. He meets someone who mixes up his life once more, and she wants to change him for the better. Does he change for the women he sees in his future or is he too far gone?
 “You need some pussy.” Chenle’s words caused Jeno to choke on the beer he was in the middle of swallowing. He winced and gulped the beer down after he’d finished coughing into his hand, giving Chenle a wide-eyed look and holding his hand up in question.
“Chenle…what the fuck?” He gulped down the rest of his beer and set the bottle down on the bar. Chenle sniggered, looking oddly proud of himself for what he’d said to his older friend.
“Well you’ve been a right grumpy bastard the past few months, and it’s starting to ruin my vibe.” Chenle sounded as if he was dead serious as he flagged the bartender down to order more beers.
“Sorry that I fell in love with someone who didn’t love me back Chenle, I didn’t mean to ruin your ‘vibe’.” He deadpanned but mocked Chenle’s voice as he said the word ‘vibe’.
“You’re forgiven.” Chenle’s neck was starting to look very inviting to Jeno. Inviting to wrap his hands around and strangle the cheeky fucker. “So anyway, I did you a favour!” This made Jeno’s eyebrows raise, as he knew Chenle doing someone a favour, usually worked out to be a devastation only for Chenle’s amusement. Jeno put his head in his hands and groaned.
“I swear to god if you have hired a fucking prostitute or some shit Chenle I wi-”
“No!” Chenle furrowed his eyebrows and let out a laugh. “You really think I’d spend that much money on getting a prostitute for you? Pfft, you’re my buddy but you’re not that special Jen.” The one thing Jeno loved but hated at the same time about Chenle was that he had absolutely no filter whatsoever.
“Thanks.” Jeno rolled his eyes and sighed. “So what is this favour?”
“I’ve set you up a blind date.” Chenle grinned at Jeno, clearly proud of what he’d done. Jeno felt his stomach drop, he sighed and shook his head as he looked at Chenle.
“I’m not ready.” He mumbled, looking down at his hands.
“It’s been what? Seven months?” Chenle furrowed his eyebrows, confused at Jeno’s reaction.
“Four months…you have no sense of time at all.” Jeno frowned in shock at his friend’s awareness of time. “Do you not realise that I still have feelings for her? She pretty much lives at the apartment and her and Haechan are all over each other.” He didn’t want to sound soft, so he neglected to tell Chenle that it felt like a knife was being stabbed through his heart every time he saw them hold hands, or their lips briefly touch. He wasn’t stupid, he knew they kept their pda to a minimum around him, and he knows they look at him with pity in their eyes, which isn’t what Jeno wants.
“Get over it my guy.” Chenle shrugs and slaps Jeno on the shoulder. He’s clearly never had his heartbroken, but Jeno can’t really blame him for his ignorance to heart break, he’s still young. “Look, she’s a really nice girl, and she’s beautiful. She’s my friend’s sister and he thinks she needs some company.”
“And she hasn’t got feelings for anyone else?” Jeno couldn’t hide the sarcasm in his voice as he stared Chenle in the eye.
“Not that I’m aware of. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was secretly in love with me though, I am one hell of a catch.” He winked at Jeno and took a large mouthful of beer, taking took much in and dribbling some of the liquid down his chin.
“Yes…quite the bachelor.”
“I’ll text you the details once I’ve sorted things out with her.”
“I don’t know whether to thank you or not, so I’m going to wait and see how this turns out.” Jeno rolled his eyes and sipped on his own beer.
“So you’ll actually go on the date?!”
“Yes, if it shuts you up about my personal life.”
“Deal!”
 ---
Jeno felt like he was suffocating as he tugged at the collar of his white button up shirt. It wasn’t often he wore a shirt considered ‘formal’, as he didn’t really go anywhere fancy enough to deem wearing a shirt that fell into the category. But since it was a first date and Chenle told him not to dress like a ‘homeless rat’, he decided to buy a decent shirt to wear with his black skinny jeans. The cool night air was at least doing somewhat of a decent job in calming him down, but the longer he stood beside Chenle as he waited for you to arrive, the more anxious he got. He wasn’t nervous to meet you, he was simply feeling anxious because he did not want to be going on a date, but he knew Chenle wouldn’t shut up about it until he agreed.
“Why doesn’t Jaemin ever have to deal with this shit?” He mumbled to himself, his fingers itching to grab at the packet of cigarettes in his leather jacket. He only smoked when he was feeling stressed, and he knew he’d get stressed, so he came prepared. Even though he mumbled the words, Chenle apparently had super sonic hearing.
“Because Jaemin has severe depression and I’m not willing to fuck with that.” Chenle shrugged. “She’s here!” He smiled widely as you got out of the taxi. You nearly climbed back in though because of how nervous you felt about going on a date. This was your first ever date, and you didn’t know how to feel about Chenle being the person to set it up for you. You also didn’t know what to wear, so you hoped that your little black dress with matching heels would be an okay option. You had straightened your hair and had made a decent effort with your makeup, hoping it would help mask how worried you were feeling. You turned around, looking to see the blond annoyance you knew too well, smiling when you caught sight of him. You felt your stomach fall straight through to the core of the earth when you laid eyes on the tall man next to him. He looked like he could snap you in half if he wanted to, not to mention, he was also the best-looking man you’d seen in a long, long, long time. Your palms started to sweat but you didn’t let your smile falter as you hurried over to them both.
“(Y/N)! Hi, this is Jeno, Jeno this is (Y/N). I’m going to shoot now; the reservations are made under your name Jeno. Bye!” Before either of you could utter a word to him, he had basically sprinted off down the road.
“I hate him so much.” You heard Jeno mutter, causing a soft, nervous laugh to fall from your lips. He turned towards you and gave you a lopsided smile. “Shall we?” He motioned towards the restaurant that you were stood in front of. You nodded and followed him inside, thanking him as he held the door open for you. The host hastily showed you to your seats and you slid into the booth, still holding the soft smile on your face. Jeno shrugged off his jacket and you couldn’t help but look at his arms as the shirt he was wearing moulded to the fabric snuggly. You didn’t really know what to say to him and let out a quick sigh as your eyes scanned the restaurant. It was starting to get painfully awkward, which was a bad sign for you, because you knew how you handled awkward situations. Jeno kept letting his eyes fall on your as he glanced at his menu, his bottom lip tucked between teeth as he mulled over the silence between you. You looked at the menu for a minute before deciding to try and start a conversation with him.
“So, how do you know Chenle?” You asked, letting your eyes meet his. For someone with very strong facial features, his eyes were very soft, the deep brown pools almost sucking you in. like a riptide in the ocean.
“Satan’s child?” This caused you to laugh abruptly, not having expected him to say such a thing. “I don’t actually remember, I’m pretty sure one of my friends just found him and adopted him into our group, then we haven’t been able to get rid of him since.” You smiled and nodded along to his words. “He said you’re his friends sister?”
“Yeah, he spends a lot of time eating my brothers food and giving him tattoos of random things.” Jeno smiled in amusement and turned his attention to the waiter as he came over. You both ordered your food and drinks and then you saw as he let out a small sigh, trying to avoid making eye contact with you. It baffled you as to why he agreed to go on a date with you when he clearly didn’t want to. ‘Maybe he doesn’t think I’m attractive…’ you couldn’t help but think to yourself as you let your mind wonder. You couldn’t stand the horrid silence, so you did what you did best in awkward situations. Talk. You didn’t mean to, but it always happened subconsciously as your battle against the quiet. You found yourself talking about the most random things, asking him questions that you only got brief answers to. You told him all about your life, how you were a student at a nearby university studying something you found boring but essential to the job you wanted. You also told him that you were in the middle of learning how to drive, but it was a slow process because you were busy with university. Until your food came and you suddenly realised just how long you’d been talking for. “I’ve been talking so much, I’m sorry I haven’t given you any chance to speak!” You could feel your cheeks heat up as embarrassment set in. Jeno gave you a gentle smile and sipped at his drink.
“I’m enjoying listening to you, I haven’t got much to tell you about my own life so I’m happy to listen to you about yours.” He sounded genuine, which made you let out a short sigh of relief. He chuckled when he saw you sigh. “You’re very sweet, much different to the people I spend my time with, so I’m enjoying your company. Please don’t think that because I don’t talk much that I’m not interested.” He started to eat his food at the same time you started your own. You smiled, happy that he was interested in what you had to say, but you couldn’t help but wonder why he said he hadn’t got much to tell you about his life. The rest of the date flew by pretty much the same. You would talk about anything you could think of whilst Jeno just nodded along and interjected his thoughts when he saw fit. You had managed to find out a little about his life, that he doesn’t see his parents often, he spends most of his free time working out because he only works part time at his friends uncle’s mechanic shop, and he bleaches his hair because he hates his natural hair colour.
The two of you left the restaurant after he paid the bill, which you had tried to pay half of, but he hadn’t let you. “You can pay for ice cream on our next date.” He’s mumbled with red cheeks as he held the door open for you on your way out.
“Ooooh what’s your favourite ice cream flavour?” You smiled widely, having completely missed that he’d shown interest in a second date with you. He looked down at you and couldn’t help the way his cheeks tugged his own lips into a smile.
“Vanilla.”
“Boring!”
“It’s not! What’s your favourite flavour then?” He shoved his hands in his jacket pocket as he watched you.
“Vanilla.” You giggled as his mouth popped open. He looked scandalised at your words and his eyebrows furrowed.
“You just accused vanilla of being boring!”
“But I never said that I wasn’t boring too.” You shrugged. His face fell and he shook his head as he looked down at you.
“I don’t think that you’re boring…hey can I get your number? So we can arrange our next date.” He looked down at his feet, a slight nervous fire burning in his stomach at the thought of you turning him down. Your whole face lit up and you nodded eagerly, quickly taking his phone from him to put your number in when he held it out to you. “Can I give you a ride home?” You felt your phone buzz and looked down to see an unknown number, the message being a simple ‘Hi it’s Jeno’. You saved his number and smiled up at him.
“If it’s okay? I don’t want you to go out of your way.” You felt your stomach do a little flip when he let out a soft laugh and a shrug.
“It’s cool, come on.” He placed his hand on your lower back and guided you to the car park. He took you over to a sporty black car and opened the door for you, you slipped in the car and thanked him, looking at the sleek interior as you waited for him to get in beside you. You briefly wondered how he could afford a car this nice when he had told you that he was currently not working. “Where do you live?”
“Do you know the apartment buildings near the water tower?” He nodded in response, a gasp leaving his mouth.
“Wait you live there? I live there too, in the red bricked building!”
“No freaking way! I live in the white bricked building!” You both had surprised looks on your faces as you both found out that you live in the apartment buildings opposite each other.
“What are the chances?” He laughed, starting to drive towards the apartment buildings. You didn’t have much more to say, so you stared out of the window into the darkness of the night as the radio hummed a slow song throughout the atmosphere of the car. You mulled over the whole night in your head, unable to get rid the smile that sat contently on your face at the thought of your date. Jeno drummed his fingers gently against the steering wheel as he drove, his eyes darting over to you every now and then to check up on you. He stopped on the side of the road that his apartment building was on, hurrying to get out and rushing around the car to open the door for you. You felt butterflies in your stomach at the small gesture, thanking him as you climbed out of the car. “I’ll walk you to your building.”
“Thanks.” You walked with him across the road and suddenly feel a nervousness in your stomach. “I had fun.” You blurt out, rocking back and forth on your feet as he watched you stood by the door. He had a small smile on his face, and he nodded, mumbling a soft ‘me too’. You cleared your throat and turned to unlocked the door to your apartment building when you felt his hand gently tug on your own, the one that wasn’t busy unlocking the door. Your stomach dropped, thoughts running through your mind at what he might want from you. Did he expect you to have sex on the first date?!
“Hey,” When you turned around, he stepped closer, ducking down and planting a soft kiss to your cheek which felt like it was about to combust in flames from how hot it felt. He smiled wider when he saw your bashful smile, with your eyes darting around to look anywhere but at him. He could see that you were quite a shy person, and it made him feel something in his stomach that he couldn’t quite identify. “See ya.” He turned around and walked across the street as you opened your door and let yourself in. Once you were behind walking up the stairs to your apartment you let out a little squeal of excitement.
“Oh my gosh!” You jumped up and down like an exciting schoolgirl fawning over their crush. You couldn’t believe that your first date with a man who was as good looking as that went so well. Jeno seemed kind of rough around the edges in appearance, but his personality was the complete opposite, obviously you knew that he hadn’t shown you all of him yet, but your first impressions were very good. Still, you felt yourself getting sucked into his dark brown eyes whenever he talked, which wasn’t often, but it was enough.  Needless to say, you went to sleep that night with a huge smile on your face, anticipating what’s to come.
---
“How did the date go?” Was the first thing Jeno heard when he walked through the door of the apartment after dropping you off at your own apartment. He headed into the living room and saw that Renjun had 1 year old Jiyeon sitting on his lap with kids cartoons playing on the television, Jaemin had a family sized packet of doritos laying on his stomach as he slouched beside Renjun, passing a chip to Jiyeon before shovelling loads into his own mouth, and Haechan had his girlfriend snuggled into his chest on the other sofa. Jeno’s heart sunk through his stomach as he saw his ex-girlfriend looking at his best friend with so much love in her eyes, a look she never gave him when they were together. It felt to him as though all of the happiness he’d built up from his date was flushed down the toilet as he tore his eyes away from the couple. It was very apparent to him in that moment that he wasn’t over her, and his feelings for her hadn’t gone away at all.
“Good, really good. I got her number.” He gulped before mumbling, awkwardly scratching his head and sighing as he took off his jacket. She pulled her head away from Haechan’s chest and gave him an awkward smile.
“You went on a date?” She asked softly.
“Mhm.” He didn’t trust his voice, so he just hummed and nodded.
“I’m happy for you Jen.” The whole room felt like it was suffocating him as all eyes turned to look at him. It felt very much like pity to Jeno, causing heat to rush to his cheeks and a slight resentment and anger to boil inside of him. Ever since they’d ended things, his anger issues had spiked, and he found it hard to control his temper. The only time he’d ever been as angry was before he’d went to prison. He was like a ticking time bomb, or a bottle of soda that had been shook and ready to pop at any minute.
“Whatever.” He grunted, sinking on the sofa on the other side of Renjun and ignoring the way she cowered to his voice, settling her head back on Haechan’s chest as he scowled at Jeno. He didn’t mean to be cruel to her, he wanted nothing more than to be the one she was cuddling up to, but the resentment for her loving Haechan when she was supposed to love him still sat heavy inside of him.
“Jennie!” Jiyeon chirped, wiggling her way off of her father’s lap to sit on her uncle’s lap. She smiled at him and laid herself against his chest.
“Hi cupcake.” He ran his hand through her jet-black hair, wrapping his arms around her tiny frame and sighing as he cuddled her for comfort. “She’s starting to look more like you Renjun.” He commented, trying to change the tone in the room so it was less about him and more about the toddler cuddling him.
“She’s blessed then because I’m-”
“Ugly as fuck.” Jaemin mumbled, cutting Renjun off before he could finish and shovelling more chips into his mouth as he watched the kid cartoons. Renjun frowned, slamming his fist down on Jaemin’s packet of doritos and smirking when the sound of them crushing into small pieces sounded throughout the room. Jiyeon laughed loudly as she watched the interaction between them, the sound of her sweet laughter calming Jeno down completely.
---
The cool air in the bar kept your cheeks from blazing in heat every time Jeno looked you in the eye. The bar wasn’t very busy, making it feel more intimate as you didn’t have to compete with other voices to allow Jeno’s ears to hear your voice. It was dark in the bar, the cover of night making visibility poor despite how the artificial lights in the bar tried their hardest to lit the place up with mood lighting. His blond hair was pushed back off of his forehead, and small smudges of black eyeliner around his beautiful eyes. His black button up shirt had the first two buttons undone, and he had a pair of black skinny jeans on, his hair being the only contrast to his entirely black outfit. You wore a simple dress and flats, keeping close to him in the busy bar as to not have random people bump into you. He had his hand pressed to your lower back and he kept his eyes on the people around you both. You took a mouthful of your drink and looked up at Jeno, completely in awe of his handsome looks. He had his eyes trained on someone behind you and he didn’t seem to be tearing his eyes away from them. You didn’t want to turn around, just in case he was staring at another woman. You didn’t think you’d be able to handle that well if that was the case. It was your second date, a week from your first date, so you hoped that he at least had some affection towards you despite the fact the two of you hadn’t actually made your relationship official.
“So…” You racked your brain to quickly think of something you could say to him that would bring his attention back to you. “I…er…I had another driving lesson today, it went well!” You smiled up at him, but he still continued to stare over the top of your head, completely ignoring you. You felt dejected, letting out a soft sigh and looking down at your feet. You felt as though he wasn’t interest in you at all. You’d hardly gotten anything out of him the entire time you’d been stood beside him at the bar, and you felt as though a brick wall would be more interested in you. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed that the hand he had set on the side of the bar curled into a fist, and his body visibly tensed up.
“Hey!” He snapped, causing you to flinch and look up at him with worry in your eyes, expecting that he was going to be looking at you, ready to have a go at you, you didn’t know why though, you didn’t think you’d done anything wrong. “Stop staring at my girlfriend.” He growled; his eyes still trained over the top of your head. Your eyes widened and you turned around, noticing a middle-aged man stood a few metres away from you with his eyes stuck on you. Your mouth dropped open as you realised Jeno had been staring out the creepy looking guy, being protective over you. Your heart flipped and you felt silly for having thought he was eyeing up another woman. A wave of heat rushed through you as you realised Jeno must have been interested in you to get so worked up over another man staring at you, also he referred to you as his girlfriend, which caught you off guard but made a flower of happiness blossom inside of you.
“What are you going to do about it?” The man smirked, clearly not caring that he was antagonising Jeno. Jeno’s face hardened more and he pulled you quickly so that you were behind him, not having any worry in approaching the man and getting close to him.
“Do you really want to find out?” He said lowly, his tone dripping in threat as both of his fists clenched up, his shoulders tensing too and becoming broader as he squared up to the man. The man smirked and stood up straighter, about the same height as Jeno and ready to fight him. You gasped, gently laying a hand on Jeno’s shoulder.
“Jeno come on, lets just go.” You spoke softly, feeling the muscle underneath your hand relax momentarily.
“She’s too good for you. She needs a man, not a boy.” The man laughed, glancing past Jeno to wink at you. Jeno shoved him so hard that he tripped over the bar stool behind him and fell on his ass. The man had a face of complete shock, clearly not having expected the ‘boy’ to be that strong and gutsy enough to actually put him on his ass.
“One more word and you won’t be feeling like a man for a long time.” Jeno snapped, standing over the man and giving him a look that could probably petrify someone. You knew Jeno was rough around the edges, but you never would have thought he could do something like that. It shocked you and you felt yourself taking a few steps back from him, not knowing him well enough to know what he was going to do next. After silence fell between them both, Jeno turned around, snatching your hand into his own and pulling you firmly out of the bar. You had to jog to keep up with his fast strides. He didn’t let go of your hand, and pulled you down the street, his shoulders still tense and his breathing heavy. The grip he had on your hand was starting to hurt more from how hard he was squeezing your hand, which was considerably smaller than his own.
“Jeno…you’re hurting me.” You said quietly, but he heard you. Stopping almost immediately he turned to look at you, letting go of your hand and gulping. He looked down once before looking back up, giving you direct eye contact that almost made you have a heart attack.
“I’m sorry…are you okay?” He looked worried, all of his pent-up anger washing away after hearing your fragile tone. You nodded, flexing your fingers out and rubbing your hand with your other hand.
“Are you okay?” You asked, concerned about him for how he acted in that situation.
“I’m fine. I’m sorry you had to see me like that…we need to talk.” His gave you a weak smile, almost like he was giving you pity, which made your stomach fall to the floor as you thought he was about to end things with you.
“O-oh…okay.” He got out his car keys and you followed him to his car. He unlocked it and motioned with his head for you to climb in. You both got in, but he made no effort in turning on the car, and instead put his keys in the cupholder before turning to him.
“I lied to you about my job. I don’t help out at the mechanic shop. I fight, illegally.” His words had your eyebrows raising in surprise, many of questions sitting on the tip of your tongue, but left unsaid as you had a feeling he was about to go into more detail anyway. “It’s called underground street fighting, and it’s not legal in the slightest. It’s dangerous, and I’ve been injured more times than I care to admit, and I’ve also inflicted life changing injuries on other men. I’ve seen people black out and never wake up again. It’s tough but…it’s really good money, and it’s a way that I can let go of all of my anger. I have a lot of anger problems, I won’t lie to you about it, it’s bad, and honestly I’m surprised that I managed to walk away from that asshole without punching him in the face.” He let out a very gently laugh that was humourless, his eyes searching your face for your reaction. You just nodded, biting you bottom lip as it occurred to you that you were dating a very dangerous man.
“Why?” You asked, causing his head to tilt in question.
“Why what?”
“Why are you so angry?” Your voice was quiet and soft but held no judgement towards him. You really liked him, and this was the furthest you’d ever gotten with a guy, so you didn’t want to throw it all away just because he was a little bit different from everyone else. He took a deep breath and looked away from you for a moment, before dragging his eyes back to look at you. It was dark in the car, the only light coming from the streetlight above his car, but you could still see the painful look in his eyes as he opened his mouth to speak to you.
“I grew up in a very poor family with a father who abused my mum and me. It caused my mum to have very bad depression, which had an effect on me. I let the abuse happen for too long, and then when I was 15 I got introduced into the street fighting. I finally felt like I had some power, and it earnt me a lot of money, which I’d never had before. Even though I was fighting out of the house, at home I was still being beaten, and one night when I as 17, my dad hit my mum so hard that the force of her hitting the wall left a dent in it.” He paused, squeezing his eyes shut as he remembered the memory. You reached out and took his hand in both of yours, showing him that you were listening and not judging him. “I saw red, I just remember pulling my dad away from her. I don’t remember much of what happened, because I was in a frenzy. But the next thing I remember is my mum trying to pull me off of my dad. He was underneath me on the floor and his face was…unrecognisable. There was so much blood…” He remembered how his hands were shaking and covered in blood, a mixture of his fathers’ blood and his own blood from how his fists had pummelled into his fathers’ face. His face was wet with tears and blood that had spurted from his life givers face, and he remembered how his own mother cowered away from him like he was the one who had been inflicting pain on her for the past 17 years of his life. “She called for an ambulance whilst I sat on the floor covered in blood. The police came as well, and I got arrested. I went to prison for a year because I was still a minor and they classed it as self-defence. My mother visited me once, and I don’t see her often because she says its hard for her to look at me after what I did. But she isn’t with my father anymore, so I can live with that.” You could tell from the tone of his voice that even though he said he could live with it, that it was hard for him to live with it. It suddenly occurred to you that he wasn’t different from other people. He was simply a broken person trying their best to live in a world where he’d been dealt shit cards from the start.
“Is your dad…?” You couldn’t bring yourself to finish your sentence, but he knew what you were asking.
“No. He’s alive. I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing. Hell I don’t even know if he looks the same as what he used to. I did a lot of damage to his face so…” He shrugged, his hand holding onto yours firmly. “After I came out of prison, I continued street fighting and moved in with my friends. They had all gotten a place together and left a room free for me when I got out. They’re my family now.”
“I’m glad you have people you can rely on; they sound like great people.” He laughed at your words.
“A teen dad, a drug dealer, and an illegal street racer. They’re great, but not morally.” He chuckled at your shocked expression, using his free hand to reach out and cup your cheek. “They’re harmless to people that don’t get on their bad side.” He stroked his thumb over your hot skin and smiled at you. He felt affection bloom in his stomach when he saw that you accepted him for who he was. It was different with his ex, she was used to the lifestyle he lived like, but he knew from your stories that you were raised in a respectable household and you’d never done anything bad in your entire life. You were complete polar opposites, and for the first time in months he could think about his ex-girlfriend and not feel a pull towards her like her had before. Instead he was being pulled towards you like a magnet. You were the positive side, and he was the negative side, and you fit together so perfectly.
“I hope they’ll like me.” You admitted, leaning your head into his touch to show you were enjoying it.
“They will.” He smiled, neglecting to tell you that one of his best friends was dating his ex-girlfriend, but he could only pile so much information on you at a time without overwhelming you.
“I actually have a small confession to make too.” You plucked up the courage despite the pang of anxiety you felt in your stomach.
“Oh god, you’re not a crazy axe murderer, are you?” He was clearly joking, his eye dropping into a wink as he pretending to be shocked.
“No!” You giggled, his hand dropping to your hands. “I’ve never dated anybody before, and I’ve never had a boyfriend…or had sex. I have been kissed though!” His smile never faltered and if anything, he felt even more drawn towards you, liking that you were pure for him. it drove him crazy to even think about another man having his hands on you. “So this is all new to me, and I’m super nervous but trying to play it cool so that you didn’t think I was strange or anything, and I really like you and I don’t care about your job and-” You were cut off by his lips pressing to your own, your eyes shutting as you melted into the kiss. It was short and sweet, but his lips did linger and place another peck to your lips.
“I guess I should do this properly then.” He smiled, kissing you once more and smiling into the kiss. “(Y/N), do you want to be my girlfriend?” He pulled away from you and stared into your eyes. You felt your cheeks almost burning up, the car feeling suddenly stuffy as you looked at him.
“Yes.” You nodded quickly, letting your eyes slowly shut as his hands cupped your face, drawing his lips to yours once more in a slower, more passionate kiss.
---
 Hey! Thank you for reading! Did you like it? What do you think so far? What do you think is going to happen? Let me know!
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My Journey
Hey everyone, As you will likely know by now I am a trans woman and I live in the UK where lately trans people have been under significant scrutiny by the press, government and groups claiming to be acting in the name of feminism.
One of the arguments used when not directly attacking trans people, is that the medical institutions that help us in the UK fast track us through transition, even the NHS and I know so many trans people in this country that I can say without a shadow of a doubt this is not true. This includes a significant number who have been under the care of Tavistock and Portman, the under 18s service which was recently banned from giving its patients hormone blockers without the approval of the courts.
But anyway, I’m gonna share my story and how lengthy the process actually is and I will warn ahead of time this deals with suicidal ideation, gatekeeping, mental health, etc. So proceed with caution. This will also be a long post.
September/October 2008
I can’t remember which month but it was just before my 16th birthday, my Dad encouraged me to go to my GP regarding my gender dysphoria. I lived with my transphobic Mum at the time and had to go behind her back which was terrifying to say the least. I saw a doctor called Dr Moulsher and explained everything I was going through and his response was, “I don’t think the NHS funds any of this.” He was very ignorant on trans issues but it actually fortunately worked out in my favour, I got lucky, I know, but he just wanted me off of his hands.
I explained in Sheffield there was a GIC (gender identity clinic) operated by the NHS known as Porterbrook and he was just like, “Oh right. Well I’m more than happy to refer you but they likely won’t see you till you are 18.”
He asked me some questions, wrote up a detailed report and put in the referral to “get the ball rolling” as he worded it.
I was terrified at the time of the referral letter going to my home address though and he was like, “Well it needs to be sent somewhere.” So he agreed to send it to my grandparents address.
Later That Year
About a month or so later a letter arrived at my grandparents saying I had been accepted onto Porterbrook’s waiting list, explaining it is substantially long, that they wouldn’t be able to see me till I’m 18, etc. Your typical boiler plate stuff. Also as I understand it they don’t typical accept referrals for under 18s so I got lucky there. I remember getting so excited when I got my letter though, that I took it into school to show all of my friends.
Back then it was a requirement that I have a mental health assessment while on the waiting list though. So I returned to Dr Moulsher who I had become rather comfortable with and had made him my regular GP. He made a referral to the local mental health clinic and that was that.
January/February 2009
A letter came in the post asking me to ring to book at appointment at the local mental health clinic. I couldn’t ring from home cos my Mum would overhear and she was spying on me a lot at the time due to really being against the fact I’m trans. My school - which was a Catholic school shockingly enough - had already decided my home environment had become so toxic that I needed removing from my Mum’s care. They would be a process that wouldn’t be completed till June 2010 but yeah, it had got that bad. Anyway, I ended up asking the school receptionist if I could ring on their phone to book the appointment. That was booked for February.
The appointment was a weird one to say the least. The doctor asked me a quite a lot of questions but these are the ones that stuck out.
So with this first one, I am going to preface with that as far as I am aware, I am white and of white ancestry for all the generations I know of. However I do have remarkably curly hair that left to its own devices grows into an afro (or at least what looks like an afro). So the first set of questions that stood out; Dr: What’s your mother’s ethnicity? Me: White British.
Dr: Sorry, did you say Afro-Caribbean? Me: No. White British. Dr: And your father’s ethnicity? Me: White British. Dr: Sorry, was that Afro-Caribbean?
Me: Nope. White British.
Not really sure how you can get Afro-Caribbean and White British verbally mixed up but he seemed very adamant at least one of my parents must be Afro-Caribbean.
He then later goes;
Dr: Do you have a partner?
Me: Yes.
Dr: Are they male or female?
Me: I have a girlfriend.
Dr: Then you can’t be trans. You can’t be trans if you like girls.
Me: What about lesbians?
Dr: That’s beside the point.
Shockingly, in the end he agreed with my GP’s assessment that I am trans but Jesus, as you can probably guess from above that mental health assessment was a minefield of weird.
24th October 2010
In June 2010, I was finally removed from my Mum’s care at the age of 17 and placed in supported housing and on the date about I got a phone call from Porterbrook GIC on my 18th birthday no less, inviting me to my first appointment in November.
22nd June 2012
I legally changed my name and title by deed poll to Miss Lily Nichole Robinson.
22nd October 2012
I’d now been at Porterbrook for almost 2 years, had lots of appointments, most of which repeated the same mundane questions and it had started to feel like nothing was ever going to change. I had become increasingly depressed and suicidal and I had decided that if nothing had changed by my 20th birthday I was going to take my own life. I did not want to enter my 20s still living my life as a man. I didn’t want to lose another year of my life.
I remember this date exactly, not because I marked it in my calendar but because Taylor Swift’s album “Red” came out that morning. Despite everything, I was dancing along to 22 that morning while ironing some clothes, before I headed off to Porterbrook. I didn’t really feel like it mattered, I was going to kill myself 2 days later but I figured what is the harm in going through the motions one last time.
I sat there, trying not to let on how miserable I was, didn’t see the point in letting them in on how I was feeling. Nothing would change.
I remember being asked some really gross questions that day though. I got asked if I masturbated and I just declined answering. When challenged I was just like, “I maybe trans and I may hate that equipment but I’m a human being. I still have sexual urges. What do you think the answer is.”
The appointment though, shockingly ended with them telling me they were going to put me on hormones. I was gonna get my estrogen. It was enough to give me a reason to keep on living.
But just bare in mind how close I got to taking my own life there. 2 days away from my 20th birthday. Also it took almost 2 years for them to say they’d be placing me on hormones.
January/February 2013
In January, I had my bloods taken to get a baseline and I was told about options for storing gametes. I did decide to consider this but in the end it ended up being too costly for me at the time. So in February, on a day it was snowing I got the train and was adamant the snow was not stopping me getting to Porterbrook and I had an appointment with the head clinician, Dr Kevin Wylie.
He oddly listed all the testosterone blocker options to me with side effects and risks and all the estradiol options to me with side effects and risks. In the end I chose Cyproterone Acetate for my blocker and Estradiol Valerate pills for my hormones.
50mg per day of Cyproterone Acetate and 2mg per day of Estradiol Valerate. I was ecstatic and took them both the second I got on the bus 😊
May 2013
Slightly unrelated to the medical process but just 3 months in and my mental health had improved drastically. Since I was removed from my Mum’s care I had become a bit of a shut in. I didn’t have any friends, my anxiety was through the roof, I was insanely depressed and I just avoided everything and everyone, only leaving my house for work. Hormones changed that though, I just felt so much happier and I also remember that Spring just being like really vividly aware of the colours of all the flowers and plant life for like the first time in my life. I actually wanted to go out and social and make friends and there was a local LGBT youth group for 18-25 year olds that I decided to join and I started to have and social life again. And by September 2013 I started university and soon came getting drunk with the LGBT Liberation Group at the various socials. I was happy and finally starting to feel like myself.
2013 - 2016
Porterbrook became very gatekeepy in the final stage of my transition. They didn’t like how I dressed. Apparently girls wear dresses while I preferred jeans, t-shirts and hoodies. I didn’t like wearing make-up. I wasn’t the 1950s image of a girl that Porterbrook seemed to expect. I actually have a trans guy friend who around the same time had been told he couldn’t start on testosterone unless he cut his hair short, cos apparently men don’t have long hair.
It pissed me off to no end because I transitioned to be me, not to be a performance of how the world thinks a woman should be. I refused to give ground on how I dressed, etc but in the end I ended up telling a few white lies to get past the final level of gatekeeping. And I can’t remember most of this dates as they happened while uni was going on in the background. But eventually Porterbrook gave me the go ahead for surgery, about 6 months later I had my second opinion and then I was referred for surgery.
January 2016
I had my pre-surgery assessment at Nuffield Health Brighton and I was told if I wanted I could have my surgery as early as March 2016. Due to university though, this proved a bit too soon and the date was pushed to June 2016.
22nd June 2016
The day before the EU Referendum I had my gender reassignment surgery. I don’t actually remember feeling all that ecstatic after the surgery. There was lot of pain and I was on a lot of drugs. But a friend, Rosie, who I hadn’t seen since high school lived in the area and she was at my bedside when I woke up. I was in hospital a week and had 3 months of recovery ahead of me.
Post Surgery 2016
Having surgery had been great, things finally felt right. My entire body felt right for once but I had tunnel visioned my life towards surgery and put a lot of stuff on the back burner and had some major post-surgery depression so I sort counselling at my university to get through these issues and once that was sorted I felt a lot more stable in myself and like nothing was in my way.
October 2016
I put in my application for my Gender Recognition Certificate only for it to get rejected because they did not like the assessment from Porterbrook GIC and Dr Wylie who wrote the assessments was off on leave. Me and a nurse had to sit down and look through my medical record to find a medical report they might accept and we finally found one. However they wouldn’t say what was wrong with the original which made Porterbrook kinda stumped on what was wrong.
February 2017
I received my Gender Recognition Certificate and my new Birth Certificate.
March 2017
I was discharged from Porterbrook GIC.
For those who are under the impression gender reassignment is a fast process it isn’t, it took me 8 years and 6 months start to finish, from initially seeing my GP at 15 to finally being discharged from Porterbrook GIC at the age of 24. It is a long ass process with a shit tone of gatekeeping and honestly going through the process as it stands isn’t something I’d wish on my worst enemy. When I was discharged from Porterbrook GIC in 2017 my first thought was, “I’m free. I’m finally in control of my own life.” As up until that point, I felt I had no autonomy and that my life and happiness was in the hands of doctors. It was miserable.
But there it is.
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xxcureangelxx · 3 years
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5, 9, 10, 13, 20, 21, 24, 25, 28, 30-35, 38-42, 44-46, 50, 52, 54, 60-62, 66, 71-74, 86-91, 96, 100! 😊
okay I literally have no clue how old this is and if I'm even taking the questions from the right post but here goes I guess? 🙈
<u>5. What is your favorite Color?</u>
PURPLE
<u>9. How tall are you?</u>
about 1,70 meters or 5'7"
<u>10. What shoe size are you?</u>
size 40-41, I think that's about 8 in US sizes?
<u>13. What talents do you have?</u>
uhhh good question... not sure if it counts but I guess I'm quite good at a lot if things but can't do anything extraordinarily well?
<u>20. Are you religious?</u>
Absolutely not. Due to family history and a lot of other things I'm actually against it a lot but people can do whatever they feel like is right for them as long as they don't harm others with it.
<u>21. Have you ever been to the hospital?</u>
Yes, quite a lot actually. practically grew up in hospitals as a baby because of kidney issues, broke both my legs with 4 years old, had to revisit for tests a lot during my childhood because of the kidney issue. it calmed down afterwards until I was back in hospital last year because of my terrible mental health and I'm currently in a rehabilitation clinic for it as well.
<u>24. Baths or showers?</u>
Shower's because we don't have a bathtub
<u>25. What color socks are you wearing?</u>
currently none, I love going barefoot, but usually I wear white, gray or black. I know... I'm a bad gay.. no rainbow socks (;ŏ﹏ŏ)
<u>28. What type of music do you like?</u>
you know.... I hate this question with a passion even though I love music so I'll just throw in my yt-playlist here and everyone who's interested can look through it to get a picture xD not sorted in any way and not a conclusive list at all, I just add songs as I find them
<u>30. How many pillows do you sleep with?</u>
mostly just one at a time but I've got two different ones. one is the normal fluffy kinda pillow, the other is made of some kinda foam material and rather thin.
<u>31. What position do you usually sleep in?</u>
I'm always lying on the side! have been doing that since I was a baby too.
<u>32. How big is your house?</u>
compared to what? 🙈 I'd say decent size for 5 people to live in, would have space for 1-2 more if rooms were used differently but definitely not enough to comfortably live with 12 or even more people like my family used to. we've got like 3 proper sleeping rooms (one of which is the attic so not very nice in terms of heat and the staircase is smack in the middle of the room), a kitchen, a dining room, a big living room, a tiny bathroom that barely fits a toilet and shower, and the basement is a mix of storage, electrics and stuff, washing room/utility room and it's got another smaller room that's been turned back into a small workshop but used to be the room of my brother and later my grandmother.
<u>33. What do you typically have for breakfast?</u>
I guess this is where it shows that I'm german but we usually just eat bread (preferably whole grain) with cheese or slices of salami or ..meat sausage? is that a proper translation? 🤨 idk... it's rather simple really. on the weekend maybe buns and boiled eggs. on the occasion that I'm too tired for it or don't have enough time I eat cereals but it's not very common when I'm at work/school
<u>34. Have you ever fired a gun?</u>
No, and I don't want to
<u>35. Have you ever tried archery?</u>
Yes!! I did last year when I was in the hospital and it was super fun! was quite good at it as well, even for my first try 😤
<u>38. What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep?</u>
I think about 3 days? if we count "barely unconscious for a few hours" as sleep that is... otherwise no clue...my memory of the bad sleepless time is quite hazy lol
<u>39. Do you have any scars?</u>
yeah, quite a few tbh. got 2 huge ones from surgeries due to my kidney issues, well they look like 2 but it's actually multiple ones since they simply cut open party of the old ones again, tiny hooman apparently have very little skin. then I got some other ones here and there from accidents, general dumbness, etc, like when I cut through my sunday morning bun and almost cut half of the tip of my finger off because my mother sharpened the knife and didn't tell me or that time as a kid I couldn't wait for my ironing pearl pictures to be done and burned myself on the hot iron, mostly stuff like that.
<u>40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?</u>
I mean.. if they're a secret... how would I know? ;) not sure if it counts that it took me months to realize I had a crush on my best friend and the feelings were reciprocated and I was too blind to see the signs?
<u>41. Are you a good liar?</u>
Nope. People actually think I'm lying more often than I lie... so.... :/
<u>42. Are you a good judge of character?</u>
I'm.. honestly not sure what this one means? like, am I able to judge what kind of character a person has after barely meeting them or smth? if so, I'm terrible at it
<u>44. Do you have a strong accent?</u>
in german? nope. in english? hmm hard to judge since I rarely hear myself speak. I think the stuff I do know how to pronounce is mostly okay but since I learned it through reading I'm simply unsure of a lot of pronunciations. 'also'.... I can not for the life of me pronouns that word no matter how many times I hear it... it's kinda become a quirk after some classmates pointed it out to me and I'm incredibly aware how terrible I say the word but.... just can't get rid of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
<u>45. What is your favorite accent?</u>
I.. actually really love the way my best friend talks? 👉👈 they're french btw. just... typical me for struggling to understand them though, already terrible at it in german too...
<u>46. What is your personality type?</u>
honestly, I don't think I can answer that. I'm big on self loathing and everything's pretty shitty so, no thanks
<u>50. Left or right handed?</u>
Right handed. but does it even count id I'm bad at doing things with that hand too? lol
<u>52. Favorite food?</u>
hmmmm tough question... not the biggest fan of food in general a lot of the time... probably Züricher Geschnetzeltes
<u>54. Are you a clean or a messy person?</u>
Definitely messy. my allergies did not like this post trying to clean and tidy up more often though. my depression does not like this post either
<u>60. Do you talk to yourself?</u>
sometimes. quite a bit when watching movies or if I mess stuff up
<u>61. Do you sing to yourself?</u>
barely. got a lot of bad experiences with that so i keep my singing to a minimum. my shower is a great listener though
<u>62. Are you a good singer?</u>
I was in a choir for a few years when I went to 'middle school' and I had like one solo part once but other than that I can't really say because I barely ever sing in front of people
<u>66. Do you like long or shor hair?</u>
this question is currently my absolute nemesis.. I've got suuuper duper long hair and have had it ever since elementary school and I used to be super happy with it and sometimes I still am happy with it but other days, depending on where I'm at genderwise, I absolutely hate it and I just want to take the closest scissors and cut it all off... currently haven't had the guts to look for new hair styles though... but in other people? or women more specifically? I love long hair 🥺
<u>71. What makes you nervous?</u>
Or the shorter question: what doesn't make me nervous... I'd say pretty much everything has got the potential to make me nervous. I'm an overthinker, anxiety is a big thing for me and ptsd makes me scared of almost everything. so.. yeah... sucks to be me sometimes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
<u>72. Are you scared of the dark?</u>
Yes, very
<u>73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?</u>
I try not to but sadly I sometimes do, even if it's not my place to. I really don't like that part and hope I'll be able to learn not to sometime
<u>74. Are you ticklish?</u>
Yes and I hate it 😭
<u>86. What are you allergic to?</u>
again, easier question: what am I not allergic to... it's... a lot... like, really a lot. with the test on the skin of my arm I reacted to every single substance and the more thorough blood test lead to much of the same result. the absolute worst are birch trees (pitty, love those), then the usual pollen of pretty much every tree or flower, all animals with fur or feathers, dust and... yeah list goes on and on, you get the picture... :/
<u>87. Do you keep a journal?</u>
no.. have tried to multiple times in the past but never made it more than a week... too depressing to write and read... the therapist at the rehab clinic is currently forcing me to try a positivity diary for the millionths time, can't even get that done each day even though I'm doing it on my phone and get notifications to do it each evening...
<u>88. What do your parents do?</u>
making my life hell lol.. okay on a serious note, my father was a car electrician, he's retired by now, my mother is a housewife, she used to work different jobs before her first kid, later on she took care of my grandmother who was suffering from dementia, got some money and retirement points for that too.
<u>89. Do you like your age?</u>
I-... I don't know? it's weird because I both feel a lot younger and a lot older than I am rn....
<u>90. What makes you angry?</u>
another tough question... I actually have anger issues in that way that I'm barely capable of feeling anger... used to be worse but I already worked a lot on it in therapy so there's at least some there now... in the past I simply started to cry and felt overwhelmed by sadness whenever I was supposed to feel anger... so I can't tell very well what makes me angry because I first have to realize that I'm feeling anger or more like should be feeling it....
<u>91. Do you like your own name?</u>
Not really, no, but I guess I finally figured out some reasons why.. I've recently started going by a bit of a different name too but only my closest friends know so far and I'm not sure if I'll be using it irl at all..
<u>96. How did you get your name?</u>
I'm still trying to get my mother to admit that she named me after this song but she keeps denying it.. she's a fan of this band so it would have fit.. but she keeps saying she just liked the name, no long thought process behind it..
my chosen name is a bit of a different story. an ex friend I got to know through yt gave me that nickname almost 10 years ago after I complained that you can't make a shorter nickname out of my birthname and it's also the name of s character I like, especially his voice, and... idk it just feels more gender neutral and I simply feel comfortable with it. it just fit.
<u>100. Color of your room?</u>
same as question 5: Purple 🥰 or... well half the walls are purple, the other half is white
phew... can't believe I made it through all of these....
in case people haven't noticed yet, I'm currently kinda getting back into tumblr? I think I've already stayed a lot longer than any times I tried getting back before. it mostly started because we've got super bad wifi at the clinc I'm at rn and reddit takes up waaayy too much mobile data and... idk, I guess I just missed the vibe of tumblr
I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stick around but we'll see
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popculturebuffet · 3 years
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Toons for Our Times: Star Vs: Demoncism
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Halloween Havoc BEGINS! And with Tomtober this same month, i’m taking another of my on and off looks at Tom! Tom tries to tackle his literla nd figurative  personal demons the natural way: by having a creepy anti-demon cult that’s never explained suck them out of his body. For some reason Star has a problem with this. We also get Ponyhead in a robe, the wonders of reflectcor and free toys from the toychest for being such a good boy. Face your demons under the cut. 
Welcome boys, ghouls and that bootiful technicolor rainbow inbetween, to halloween havoc! MUAHAHHAHA.  You might be wondering a few things. What the hell that is, isn’t that also the title of a bunch of old wcw pay per views, and have I gone insane. In order it’s usually my catchy term the past two years and this current one for my binging of halloween films and logging and reviewing them on my leterboxd account, but I decided to expand it to here since while it’s not my first halloween on here it’s the first both reviewing animation and planning ahead, I decided why not reuse a good title here.  As for the wcw thing.. well yeah. It’s a great title, neither WWE, who I think still owns the copyright, nor WCW”s Heir Apparent AEW are using it right now despite being one of the best recurring Pay-Per-View titles either promotions had. Maybe not in actualy MATCH QUALITy but that name.. it just sings to me so i’m using it for my weird blog. I’m not making any money of this so why not. And as for my sanity that left a long time ago. So prepare for a month of ghouls, ghosts, goblins, lichs, scooby doo parodies, long forgotten characters, and some suprises and pies of all sizes. THIS... IS....
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So to start us off, every year my pal @jess-the-vampire​ does a monthly event known as tomtober, a celebration of all things tom lucitor. And since I started hte tomtropsective for that and still am behind, I figured why not celebrate that, and the fact I can’t draw so I can’t do day 1 as a chat or anything, by continuing the tale of everyone’s faviorite teen demon.  Thankfully unlike last time, or next time wink wonk, there’s not a TON of other plot stuff to fill in. There is one important bit not to this episode but to the series as a whole: Eclipsa is here, since Moon trying to screw her out of the deal she made backried once toffee actually died... as did you know keepiung him alive instead of dealing with eclipsa being free and having the comissoin to back her on it. Nice job moon. Real nice. So yeah Eclipsa’s around.. dosen’t effect this episode but given tom’s involved in two of the biggest plot important episodes in the show, AND one deals with the direct fallout of one of those episodes i’m probably going to have to cover her soon to get to more tom anyway so might as well prepare for that now. 
So yeah this episode’s entreily a straight line from last time and opens picking up on the end of that episode: Star is calling tom wondering when their gonna get that Cornshake. Thankfully she gets an answer. Unthankfully.. it’s from a VERY sweaty ponyhead. 
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So that was my own personal hell. Anyways she’s so.. sweaty.. GAHHHHHHH, because she’s keeping a secret and much like me she can’t keep her mouth shut about something she wants to talk about for very long, so we find out what she knows: SHe ran into tom who swore her not to tell Star he was getting a Demoncisim. Which suprises me.. not the demoncism thing the fact Pony would actually listen to anyone else.. Star included. LIke it’s the one thing about this episode that dosen’t quite fit: She’s such a selfish, toxic asshole, though Jenny Slate bless her makes her at least entertaining at times but even she has limits, it just dosen’t track she’d care what Tom thought unless we saw it for ourselves. Pony is ONLY capable of carring about star so while I could see tom framing it as for her own good, it’d be nice if the episode just came out and said that. It’d also be nice if we didn’t get sweaty ponyhead because that’s probably someone’s fetish and I.. OH GOD. 
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Okay now i’ve mentally snapped from that revelation, Star lasso’s pony when she tries to escape, and we find out the demoncism is pretty self explanatory: A cermony that removes demons from one’s body.. and given tom is you know, a demon, this could end bad. So with no idea where it’s being held and it going on now, giving them little if any time to figure it out, Star suggests going to pony’s ex.. she dosen’t remember which one and apologizes for how bitchy that sounded, but we find out it’s Seahorse, Pony’s love intrest for the rest of the series and a hardcore emo rocker who even made her a song.. which is just him destroying everything and screaming. Eh i’ve seen people in emowear do far dumber. 
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If those are m and m’s their pretzel. Trust me I’m a professional lardass, I know my delcious candy coated choclates. Anyways our dynamic-ish duo head to Seahorse at his job at a relfectcor store, basically a phone store, and is basically a hollowed out shell of a human being with no real personality or free will of his own.. so THAT’S how we got Ted Cruz. Ponyhead natrually breaks down when he dosen’t recognize her at all, which is one of the few time’s i’ve actually cared about her feelings: I mean having your ex just.. forget you exist.. tha’ts rough buddy. I feel bad for her.. I didn’t know she had emotions. I thought her heart and brain were both a black hole.. mostly becasue I thought ponyhead’s hearts and brains were the same organ. Star does however manage to get the map they need to Tom. 
Our heroines find the Demonicsim site and a bunch of creepy guys in robes iwth red glowing eyes.. who are never explained honestly. More on that in a minute. So ponyhead distracts them with one of the greatest  gags in the series history
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I mean just.. look at it. The way the robe drapes, the way her nose sticks out much like a certain penguins, the way she decides to distract everyone with petty minute like voting on robes.. it’s fucking great. I may not like pony a LOT but she can be really damn funny> The issues that she often isn’t funny enough to ofset her jackassery. Here though even with my jabs at her.. she works and I like it.  So Star confronts Tom, wondering AGAIN if this is another half assed tactic to win her back.. and her flip flop attitude with tom is starting to annoy me. It fits her personality, and don’t get me wrong as i’ve made abudnatnly clear in past reviews his actions in blood moon ball and ESPECIALLY mr.candle cares were super not okay, so i’ts okay NOT to forget how badly things went last time when your considering getting back together with someone. It’s NOT okay however to hold it over someone’s head forever like any moment their going to snap back into being a manipulative doucheweasel when they’ve left you alone for around 8 months.. and Id id my calcualtion. The timeline of the show is pretty solid up to season 4: Season 1 was star’s 1st semister at echo creek academy, season 2 was her second and as it turned out final one, and season 3 covers Summer , fall and part of next spring. Though again how another summer dosen’t happen until towards the end of season 4 is dumb and I’ll probably rant about that at a later point. Point is since MCC was at the start of season 2, that means it happened around say january or feburary, with Demonicsim probably happening around say march. So he’s left you alone for around 8 months, silver bell ball included. It’s unfair to assume he’s still schemeing when he let you go months ago. H’es made it obvious via his .. everything he’d take you back in an instant, he’s just being patient and not pushing it because he’s no longer as big an asshole, and trying to be respectful. Cut him a break.  Thankfully this gets put down quick with Tom explaning he wants to be better for himself: Like last time he was inspired by her trying to be better herself, and wants to.. but as we’ve established.. he dosen’t know HOW to be nice or a better person. He wasn’t raised in an enviroment that was really condusive to that as nice as his own parents are. Their the exception to the underworld being mostly dicks not the rule, as we’ll see next time. I.. can relate with my own issues with anxiety , depression and, yes, anger. I too have trouble keeping it in and hate feeling bitchy all the time or depressed and just want it to stop. I think anyone with a mental ilness just wants it to STOP to be gone and to be able to live a happy life. But there’s no magic button that fixes your issues, your traumas or your mental health like that. No pill that can fix it just ones that help ease it down to managable. And as i’ve learned the hard way YOU have to work at it, YOU have to make the effort. There’s no easy way out. And while Tom thinks htere is here, it’s very clear it’s a huge risk, and Star’s right that he shoudlnt’ go thorugh with it and that he could seriously hurt himself. But Tom’s in pain and just wants to be happy, to be normal, to be not angry anymore and I gotta tell you if , even if it was risky, there was a way to cure my depression or anger issues or anxiety, not my atuisim tha’ts part of me and not something that needs a fucking cure just more understanding and awarness, but if I could cure those other three things? I would. It’s paart of me sure but it’s a part of me I HATE. So I understand why tom’s doing this even despite the danger: because he’s at his wits end, desperate and this will help he hopes.. it can’t get WORSE, so why not? Evne if he’s wrong here i’ts hard not to understand why he’s so stubborn about it , for me at least.  Star leaves, and takes Ponycloak with her and they go to punch trees: Both to relive and because Pony hates tree. Probably because she went to tree court once and they tried to send her to tree jail. 
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I mean she’ll probably get thrown back in there for this but still. Anyways the exerocisim comes. And NOW we can talk about this cult and.. while I understand why they never came back, they were really only necessary for this, I wish they had. I mean a mysterious cult with the power to restrain someone as strong as tom, acess to anti-magic chains the ONLY time we see something like this outside of the comission, and a hatred of demons includign referring to Tom as “Son of the blight” meaning they clearly hate and would destroy Wrathmelor if they could, yet also function as a perfectly legal orginzation the comission or the lucitors themselves haven’t swatted yet. There’s a LOT to unpack here they never did. The leader is also hliarious alteranting between creepy overlord and your dentist after a long apointment as a kid. But the ritual begins and it .. dosen’t go well with tom getting glowy blue lines and thrashing about.. just like me when i watched Ridciulous 6. I also felt my soul was leaving my body but that was just wishful thinking. The cultists run and star runs back to Tom and we get a truly powerful and romantic scene. Unable to free him, Star just.. holds him and is there for him as he goes through this. If she can’t help him she’ll be there for him. And it’s really touching.  We then cut to the hosptial tent at the cult, where the leader goes back to dad mode. Tom feels .. well worse, he just had surgery, as someone who had a tooth yanked out last month I can relate, and is suprised to see only one tiny soul demon as the sum of his anger. But it turns out, NOPE, being you know, the son of a rather powerful demon with a rather pwoerful b loodline, he’s FULL of them, and it woudl take 13 years to do this.. and tom’s naturally bummed because no one wants the equipvlent of having a wisdom tooth pulled a week for over a decade. Also because he now can’t get better.. but Star gently reassures him he’s already on the right track just by wanting to. As I said with most mental issues.. there’s no easy way out but it can get better if you put the work in and tom realizes.. there’s no quick way out after all. Just a long road.. but h’es not alone on it anyomore. But he at least gets a tiny demon in a jar and a toy out of the toychest for being a good boy.. and that’s nto me making shit up that’s the actual episode with him and star taking pinwheels and holding hands to Ponyhead’s annoyance. Which okay yeah they had a bad time last time I get tat Pony.. but your the last person to question ANYONE’S life decisions. Still I wish we’d had ane pisode of pony growing to accept them so we at least know WHY she’s so against it but oh well. 
Final Thoughts: This was a good one. Is it hte best the show’s put out? Probably not as the first part drags slightly but the second half at the demoncisim is just good character stuff, good comedy, and has a good payoff. I honestly like this way more on the second watch.  Though part of that is the context of the time: I admitted to being a starco shipper and having her get back with tom just felt like your standard “put a character in a relationship to complicate the main pairing” bullshit I always hate at this stage. Before anyone relaizes they like each other? Sure but at this point it was clearly just to drag things out. However with Marco getting progressivley worse and the two having good chemsitry.. I grew to like em.. and by the season finale, I just shipped all three together, before pivoting to marco and kelly. This couple grew on me for reasons w’ell geti nto as we go, even if it ended bad for reasons we’ll again get into. Oh we’ll get into them. With a knife. But yeah overall a great episode with a great concept, good character stuff, and some REALLY fucking funny gags. The show is damn good at comedy and I forget it sometimes. Next time we look at Tom, he’ll be in the background as Marco tries to help Kelly with a breakup. And sometime this month we’ll be looking at the halloween special which i’ll be watching for the very first time! So stay tuned, stay safe and Happy Halloween. 
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xseildnasterces · 3 years
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do or die.
As always, it’s Friday, and I’m exhausted. It’s been a long week and I am so unbelievably glad to have been off today. One thing I do really love at work is the option of flexible working hours. Essentially, we have a work arrangement that if we work 8 hours overtime in a two-week period, we can take a day off to recoup the hours. That is what I did today.
Cleary, I started writing yesterday and didn’t get very far. It’s now Saturday. I spent the whole of yesterday cleaning and tidying so that I didn’t need to do it over the weekend, which was certainly a good idea as now I feel so much more relaxed and don’t feel like I should be doing something that I am not.
Last night I decided to watch the first episode of ‘It’s a Sin’. I have been wanting to watch it since the minute it was released, but due to problems with my VPN and it not yet being available in the US I had been unable to do so. I had been so excited about it since it’s release, yet being fully aware that it was going to be heart wrenching and that I would end up in floods of tears. I watched the first episode and was hooked from the first few minutes. It was SO WELL done. Like incredibly well done, so gripping, emotional, and genuinely one of the best things that I have watched in so long. I had been told by several people that it was not something you should binge because it’s very hard going… but what did I do? I watched all five episodes one after the other last night and my god. I was a mess. My whole face was wet from tears and I was balling my eyes out for a good while before I could actually go to sleep. Regardless, it’s incredible. I urge anyone who has not seen it to watch it. It is SO good. I also hope it also makes people more aware of what actually happened in the 80s as I feel like it is something that a lot of people overlook and do not really understand. It’s important to understand, and it’s important to know – especially for our community. I have seen so many things making correlations with covid and HIV/AIDs during this whole pandemic, yet I feel like it is really important to mention and be aware that it cannot be compared in the same way for a number of reason, but mainly because right now we know how covid is passed and we know how to protect ourselves. At the time, no one even know anything about HIV/AIDs and they most certainly didn’t have any real understanding of how it spread or how to protect themselves at first. I think ‘It’s a Sin’ is something I would re-watch at some point. I am not really a re-watcher of anything, but this is something I certainly would. Watch it.
I have finally come to realise why I have been recently living in a phase of nostalgia and walking down memory lane. It seems ridiculous that I didn’t even realise this earlier. It’s all because of a memory app on my phone. Seven years ago, around this time there was a lot going on and I was really struggling with something. During that time, I posted a LOT of my feelings in Tweets and currently they are all coming back to haunt me. I don’t think memory apps that relate to your old social media posts are a great idea to be honest, but at the same time there is some kind of morbid curiosity to look at them. It is the same morbid curiosity that comes with looking up people on social media that you ‘used to know’ and miss greatly. The period in question I was incredibly depressed, and what was happening and how I was being made to feel (regardless of the circumstances that I was unaware of), was causing me a lot of anxiety and self-hate. My self-worth was probably at an all time low (up until that point) and I was struggling. After what had already happened the year before my weight was not what it should be and I was struggling with sleep, not eating and also collapsing (at one point knocking myself out in the shower – something that my app oh so kindly reminded me of last week). At the time it felt like I was going from one disaster to another and my mental health was certainly not coping. It was rough and re-reading the things I wrote and thinking about how I felt is certainly not nice reading. Regardless, a lot of this brought up a lot of things for me and R and I have been discussing a lot of these things recently. Friends, relationships, people that come and go from your life and my own fears and concerns with abandonment. R is lucky. She is one of these people who can just accept people leaving her life. She agrees that it is incredibly hard and that sometimes she misses people, but she believes that it is also a good thing. She is very much of the opinion and belief that if someone leaves your life you should just let them go because they clearly they are no longer a real friend and you should not waste your time trying to be their friend anymore. They have made the choice to leave and you should not run after them or cry tears for them when they have made that decision. She also thinks that people leaving also means they are making room for other people to come in – better people. I’m not so sure I agree, nor am I sure that I can change my way of thinking to this, although granted she suffers less because of it and doesn’t spend far too much time thinking about how much she misses people or wants them back in her life. I wonder if perhaps I only really create connections with people on a super deep level before calling them a friend, so when that relationship ends I am heartbroken, whereas some people have lots of friends on a surface level but not completely deep relationships. Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s not. Maybe I am doing it wrong. Who knows? Talking to R on a daily basis really has been wonderful, and honestly the best thing to come out of this pandemic for me. I have no doubt in my mind that our friendship really is forever. Some of the things we have shared recently about our own relationship and how we feel about one another has been so reassuring. I love that girl so very much and do not believe I will ever meet someone who does not judge me for whatever I do and any mistakes that I make. She really is one in a million and I feel so incredibly lucky to have her.
Talking about mistakes I have been recently evaluating some of the things I have done in my life and I think I have quite a few regrets that I did not consider to be regrets before. I know everyone says you should not have regrets because at the time whatever you did or didn’t do is exactly what you wanted in that moment, but I’m not completely sure I agree. I mean, I do somewhat, but I also think it is normal to have regrets. I think there are some things that I have done in my life that I would now do differently should I have had the opportunity to do them again. As always, hindsight is a wonderful thing. There are actually a great number of things I think I would have done differently – some small, and some huge. Some things that would make a huge impact on where I am in my life right now, and some that wouldn’t change very much in my current day to day life but would ease my overthinking and my constant anxiety. I think this is one of the things I love so much about R. She said to me the other day, that she will never pass judgement on anything in my life because everyone makes mistakes. At the end of the day we are all human and there is not one person on this earth that can say they have never made a mistake or done something that they are not proud of. I resonated with this a lot, and as they say, "Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones". Life is a series of decisions that we make, some of which are good and some of which are bad, and although you may go through life with some regrets I guess the idea is to not dwell on them, to move past them and continue to be better. I think this is something I struggle with. I do dwell on them, and I struggle to move past them – but I guess that is something to work on.
I recently finished reading ‘Three Women’ by Lisa Taddeo, a book that I devoured in only a few days because it was so good and so hard to put down. I told R to read it because I think she would enjoy it, and she told me she had a book recommendation for me. We had been talking about anxiety and fear, and she told me to read ‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’. Now I am not a reader of self-help books, nor am I really a fan of that sort of thing, but neither is she and I do trust in her recommendations so I’m going to give it a go. She told me that it has helped her with making some very big decisions and doing things she was initially scared to do, so I think it may be good for me. I will report back. I’ve been doing so well on my reading challenge so far this year. January started with reading ‘You’ by R. Yep, my best friend self-published a book and it is awesome! I am so proud of her and I love it so much. It’s poetry and I am really not a poetry fan, but this is so real. It reminds me a lot of Rupi Kaur’s work, and perhaps I am a little biased considering R is my best friend, but I found a lot of it much more relatable. February saw me read ‘Burlesque and the Art of the Teese/Fetish and the Art of the Teese’ by Dita Von Teese. It’s a huge coffee table book with beautiful photographs and a deep dive into vintage clothing, corsets, and of course burlesque and fetish. I loved it. Most recently I finished ‘Three Women’ which as mentioned had my glued. I’m unsure of what to start next, although I think I may wait until the book R recommended arrives and I will start on that. I don’t want to jump the gun, but I really hope I can read 12 books this year. I have wanted to complete the reading challenge of one book a month for the last few years and failed every single time. It’s frustrating as when I was younger, I could read 12 books in a month, never mind a year – but I guess adulthood has changed the time I have to read, but 2021 will be the year. I am hopeful and optimistic.
Next year R and I both turn 30. Yeah, I know. What the hell? Much conversation recently has revolved around how exactly we got here and how neither of us feel like 30-year-old women. Regardless of that we have decided to do something to celebrate together. We are not yet sure what we will do, but it will involve travel, possibly somewhere in either the US or the Caribbean. To be decided, but I am very excited about this. It has been quite a long time since R and I have travelled together – I think the last time was Australia! So, it will be nice to go somewhere to just chill and hang out without any pressure to be busy and constantly be on the go.
I am on a major ‘women in metal’ hype right now and I am absolutely LOVING it. It’s been a while but I am appreciating it greatly.
In other news, I tried to get a vaccine appointment yesterday, once again it was like the Hunger Games and I didn’t manage to get one.  This week DC are changing the system to a pre-register system which I hope will be much better. At least that way there will not be a weekly fight to get tickets (wait, I mean an appointment…) and instead you will just be contacted when an appointment is available to you. I hope it work, and I hope I can get some sometime soon. Having to go into work every single day just makes me feel uneasy, especially as more people want to start coming to the office. My immune system is not ready to mix with people.
Small side note, I REALLY miss the sea.
[Blog title: Do or Die - Amaranthe ft. Angela Gossow].
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purplesurveys · 3 years
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1102
survey by joybucket
What color are your eyes? They are dark brown. They’re actually really more of black because of how dark they are, but that sounds creepy so let’s just go with really really dark brown.
What's your favorite type of milk? I don’t take a lot of milk and am not familiar with most of them.
What's your passion? What a deep, introspective question three questions into this survey lmao. My interests are always changing so I don’t really give much thought into this. I don’t let myself be bound to just one thing.
What's your favorite color? I really like the way baby pink looks on everything.
Are you shy? Sure, but I’m trying to break out of that shell. Based from hundreds of past experiences, being shy is the easiest way to be forgettable and I’m tired of people never remembering my name or anything about me.
What is/was your favorite school subject? History. Anything about it I will surely enjoy.
Do you celebrate Christmas? Yes.
What's your favorite quote? I don’t keep track of quotes.
What is your natural hair color? It’s black.
Do you like it? There’s nothing to complain about. I’d love to have it dyed just to try out something new with my look, because it’s been black and untouched for 23 years; I guess it’s just a matter of when I’ll push through with it.
Are you happy with the way you look? I wish some aspects were different, like my hair to be less frizzy, my front teeth to be straight, my eyesight to be clearer, etc. But it’s also whatever; I don’t really focus on these things too much as I’ve never been the type of person to concentrate on my physical looks.
What would you change about your appearance if you could? ^ Well, those things I listed. Also, to have boobs?? Puberty never did anything for me in that department.
What would you change about your bedroom if you could? I’d move the bed up against the wall because that’s always been more my vibe. If I had the energy, I’d buy a storage container and place all Gab-related stuff in there so I can finally hide away those things (but not entirely throw them out). I would also fix my closet, all three sections of it. I’d also love to get a homey and soothing night lamp and be able to regularly buy scented candles to de-stress at the end of the day. In other news, my room has remained stale for so long and needs a revamp HAHAHA.
Are you rich or poor? I’d say we are in the middle, but our financial situation throughout Covid has been making me increasingly worry.
Are you double jointed? Nope.
What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? The time I ripped my ear piercing, and my foot infection from snorkeling. Also getting my blood drawn, but that’s only because I’m a big baby when it comes to sharp things.
Do you like shots? See above.
Are you afraid of spiders? Our spiders are never too large or look menacing where I live, so not really. I’m aware of how big they can get in other places though so I totally understand the widespread hatred for spiders lol.
Have you ever had an allergic reaction to something? Not sure if it’s an allergy, but my legs quickly get irritated if they’re exposed in a grassy area for too long. My face also doesn’t seem to appreciate face masks, (the skincare kind), but I’m not sure if that’s an allergic reaction or if face masks are meant to do that.
Name a food that you like that's green. Green curry, or broccoli.
Do you like to read? Yes. More of non-fiction, though. I haven’t read a fiction book since I wasssss probably in middle school or early high school.
Do you know what your purpose in life is? No. I don’t stress out over stuff like this lol, I just make sure I’m happy where I am and at the same time, still feel fulfilled with the things I’m doing. 
Are you lonely? I can be, but I guess it’s just meant to happen sometimes.
What's something you are good at? Reading people. Sometimes to my benefit, sometimes otherwise.
What's a color that looks great on you? Olive green and maroon are my favorite shades.
What's something you would like to improve at? Being creative. My work requires a lot of it and I end up being a shitty teammate whenever we have to do brainstorming, because I literally just stay to the side, unable to think of anything.
Do you believe you have great potential? Yes.
What's one word to describe you? Right now? Tired.
Are you spiritual? Nope.
What's one thing that you get a lot of compliments on? My writing.
What's one hidden talent that you have? I dunno if it counts as a talent but I memorize a great deal of songs from Jay-Z and Kanye’s Watch the Throne album, which has always been a fun ‘talent’ to whip out and surprise friends with when we’re partying at a club/bar and a song from the album is suddenly played.
What are three girls' names that you really like? I love Olivia, Mia, and Harper. I’ve probably listed those names a thousand times on these surveys by now.
What are three boys' names that you really like? I like Liam, Mason, and Lucas.
What is the most beautiful scenery you have ever beheld?  The prettiest place I’ve been to was probably Palawan.
What is your favorite pizza topping? Just cheese is fine with me. If that doesn’t count, bell peppers come second. I can definitely live without the other usual toppings like pepperoni, beef, etc.
Name a food that you like that's red. I said green curry in the green foods question, and I’ll answer red curry here, haha.
Are you color blind? Nope.
Have you ever had a crush? Yes.
Can you type fast? I can and I do on a daily basis.
What's your favorite type of cereal? Erm, I’ve never tried them before but I’m drawn to cereals that are rather sweet lol, like Reese’s Puffs or Hershey’s Kisses cereal line. The thing is, they’re classified as one of the luxury imported brands over here so their prices are very unreasonable for a box of cereal, and I never get to have them as a result. Otherwise I don’t enjoy cereal too much.
What is one of your dreams? I would love to have a family.
What are your top three favorite colors? Baby pink, white, and mustard yellow.
What is your favorite book? I don’t have one.
What is your favorite amusement park ride? Ones that would provide enough thrill but won’t make me pass out, like the octopus.
What are three middle names you wouldn't mind having? Idk, I’m fine with my second name. I actually really like the name Isabelle and at one point I unsuccessfully tried to make it my main name, back when I still hated Robyn.
Are you flexible? Not really anymore. I used to be, kind of.
Do you consider yourself religious? Not at all. I haven’t been in around five years. I’ve been atheist since I was in the 4th grade, then I had this very sudden (but very brief) change of heart back in senior year when I started praying a lot. I went back to atheism as soon as I started university.
Are you bold? I can be, but it’s not one of my principal traits.
Are you spontaneous? It’s nice to be every once in a while, but I’m not always.
Do you have a significant other? No.
What's your pet peeve? Lateness.
How tall are you? Just a little over 5 feet, which does not classify me as tall at all.
What's your sexual orientation? Demi. I’ve also been increasingly self-identifying as asexual, so let’s go with that too.
Can you sing? Nope.
Can you dance? Nope, but I still do it when I’m alone.
Can you draw? No.
Do you play an instrument? I mean, just the recorder, but I don’t know if that counts.
What school subject do you hate the most? Chemistry. I struggled with it both in high school and in college. I hated physics and geometry too, but at least I got better at them as I got older. Chemistry is just far too complicated for me to appreciate.
What's your least favorite color? Most shades of yellow and neon green.
Do you eat healthy? I wouldn’t say I exclusively eat healthily, but I do keep a good balance in the food I consume. I enjoy my junk food as much as I like eating vegetables.
Do you think you look better with short or long hair? I’d say short.
What's a color that doesn't look good on you? White.
Are you passionate? Sure.
Are you doing the most you can with your life? Right now, with the world falling apart around me? I definitely try to. I have a great job, I spoil myself and try out new things for myself every now and then, I’ve pulled myself out from the rut I used to be in a few months ago, etc. I guess I can say I like where I am.
Are you proud of yourself for the way you are living? See above.
Do you love yourself? I've started taking a couple of steps down that path.
Do you have regrets? Sure.
Do you have wishes and dreams? Of course.
Do you have a huge secret you are keeping from the world? I suppose so.
Do you have neat handwriting? Yeah, I get quite a lot of compliments on my penmanship in general. I liked practicing my writing as soon as I learned how to properly hold a pencil, so I guess all those times served as good training.
Name a current favorite song. I dunno but Hayley is set to release a new album by tomorrow so a couple of songs from there will most definitely end up being a favorite.
List a song lyric that you like. “Can you live with what you know about yourself when you're all alone, behind closed doors?”
Are you happy? I think so. I’m definitely not as sad as I used to be.
Are you a generally optimistic person? I try to be, but I allow myself to be negative or realistic sometimes.
Have you ever had something horrible happen to you? Between deaths in the family, depression and other mental health issues, and personal life events that were less than nice, absolutely.
Have you ever been abused? Sure.
Have you ever been harassed and/or bullied? I was bullied as a kid because of my name, and as a result it was difficult to make friends for years. I’ve never been harassed though.
Do you love nature? Yes, I love being around nature when I get the chance.
Are you free-spirited? I wouldn’t consider myself that. I like being on the careful side when it comes to many things.
Are you carefree? Not really. 
Would you say you are an overcomer? Yup.
Are you a good friend? I hope I am.
Do you like animals? Love them, except insects.
Do you meditate? No. I actually tried yoga for the first time yesterday because that’s what my workout app had planned for me, but I quickly learned that I am way too impatient for it, lmao. The whole session was meant to be I think 30 minutes? but I quit by like the 14-minute mark and did another program. Idk, I guess it’s just not for me.
Do you pray? No.
What month were you born in? April.
What's your favorite season? We don’t have the usual four seasons but I’m gonna go ahead and say winter because it’s what appeals to me most.
What's one place you've been to that you want to visit again? I want to keep coming back to Sagada.
What's one place you want to go that you've never visited before? Thailand.
What's your favorite type of tree? I don’t have one.
Are you laid-back? I tend to be uptight most of the time, actually.
Are you hard on yourself? Yes.
How's your self-esteem? It’s been getting better, but sometimes I still can’t help but feel insecure.
What medical conditions do you/have you had? Scoliosis.
What are you allergic to? I have had itchy, irritable reactions to face masks and grass before, but not sure if they’re allergies.
Do you like to try new things? For sure, as long as it’s not a crime or if it involves my fears lmfao. Like I would be willing to skydive or dye my hair a strange color, but I’d never scheme a burglary or jump in a tub of cockroaches.
What's one word to describe your style? Chic.
What's one word to describe your bedroom? Plain. I definitely need to mix it up so that it can feel more like who I am.
What's one thing you like about yourself? I like that I’ve always been able to surpass difficulties and come out a better person from them, instead of letting them consume me.
What's one thing you dislike about yourself? I need to stop blaming myself for things out of my control.
Are you competitive? To a fault.
Are you faithful? Sure.
Can you cook? Hell no.
What's your favorite restaurant? Ramen Nagi.
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bridgesoverrivers · 3 years
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hi matt.. or mace.. idk what u want to be called rn or how long itll last but this is just for u to look back on because u dont know how to discuss ur actual feelings so u turn to the void, yet again
instagram is so depressing and so is just about every social media ive cycled through at this point.
ive made several break throughs within my layers of thoughts and also thought loops that i dont know how to quite get out of .. that being said i have made an amazing progress on realising that ive successfully lived alone for 6 months despite dramas with friends, family, friends again, along side mental health and health ontop of it all. living in my apartment can be so depressing sometimes.. its so quiet idk what to do with myself but ive gotten the hang of just doing stuff to stay busy without it becoming excessive or compulsive and it’s really nice tbh.
i need to spend more time writing so that i can actually manage to write an essay to cater for my autistic ass which im so confused about because my cognitive function has significantly reduced and i kinds feel like im in the awkward lost period again; where i cant show affection or think actual thoughts and im just talking random shit 24/7 to fill some void or something.
I got a rat 2 days ago (7/1/21.. ironic lol) , his name is Seven and hes about 6-8 weeks old and hes a total sweetheart so far!! hes very friendly and is starting to enjoy pats and company more and more every time we hang out. he likes my big hoodie that i converted into a slipknot hoodie which i am yet to sew so i can wash it n shit.
I have so many art project ideas im yet to fulfill like making music with chloe, drawing on a bunch of clothes i wanna diy and make cool with black and white patches n shit, make a tattoo flash so i can finally fucking start doing cool things but i keep on procrastinating buying needles/ink/stencils for like what the past 4 years
um my allergies or whatever the fuck it is gets so weird like im literally kinda fucking confused but i need to see an allergist which ive also procrastinated for 2 years.. i might have fucky lymphnodes or some shit to explain why my body hates everything i eat mayhaps but like ummmmmmmmm also got diagnosed with bipolar 2 which im like what noo im fineee but also like bro yeah legit spot on lmfao cause i get real fucking caught up in my thought loops and social habits i dont even realise that “self awareness” is probably the most nonchalant i am cause im probably like kinda manic and my brains just doing some stanky leg spiel shit where im on such a high from it i dont realise its just the bigger picture of it and im not addressing problems or knowing they exist.
but hey, while im in the neutral state or just one of the inbetweens where im still just me and im just vibin and i can be conscious of feelings/actions/environment  and i just get really adhd and super lost in time instead is p good.
i finally feel like my interests are back or a will to have any because god i exist for everything i used to be but that doesnt rlly exist anymore and in 2020 i became a bit of a shell but like 1 step at a time i can get back into it like bruh watching shows or movies wasnt on the agenda for like 2 years thats so friggin long but its finally over and im really looking forward to creating so many cool great things as i grow up and into what really is starting to feel like adulthood;;;; even if everything i fucking do becomes more and more apparent that my brain is abit special and i dont understand alot of shit or do anything abt shit but it is so gucci i am simply travelling through time trying to understand my individuality and perpetual ^   this    ^ shits kinda inevitable but i just have to literally fuckn live love laugh cause fuck u and ur mum lol
i hope one day when u read this u find this as good reflection and u get the hang of some things that seem so far away and out of reach.. youll get there whatever that vision is man :) <3
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luckyfiction17 · 4 years
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Let the Water Run (Wash Away Your Sins sequel) Part One
Sebastian Stan X Reader
Warnings - None
Words - 1.2k
A/N - Reader and Sebby are back in an all new adventure! Full of angst, drama and maybe some smutty goodness. Who knows where this one will go!
You lay on the bed burying your face in the pillow as you soaked in the familiar scent of the fabric softener. It was calming and grounding. Sleep began to creep up on you but you were rudely interrupted by someone dropping down onto the bed next to you.
“She is finally asleep.” Sebastian heaved shutting his eyes as soon as he could. The two of you were exhausted. Charlotte had hit the dreaded four month sleep regression and you were functioning as mediocre zombies.
“Thank god.” You rolled over and looked to the clock on the bedside table which read two am and you let out a tired grunt.
“Surely she will sleep for a while now.” He spoke softly, his voice laced with sleep as he fought back a yawn.
“Fingers crossed…” You quickly fell into a deep sleep with Sebastian not far behind. It had been a tumultuous time for the two of you. Lottie had been released from the NICU not long after her arrival having been given a clean bill of health although she still needed investigations on her kidneys. Fortnightly ultrasounds were your new normal. Every second Wednesday you would bundle her up and sneak past the Paparazzi who wanted to catch a glimpse of her to get her for her scan where she would scream the whole time. She was now under the care of Dr Victoria Quinn, a beautiful older woman who was extremely knowledgeable in the field of Urology and specialised in children. She was easy to talk to and took all your concerns seriously, no matter how silly they sounded. You had not seen Liam since the day you first held Lottie and you surprisingly didn’t miss him. That little girl had become your world. You had lived at your mothers house for the first two months of her life then made the decision to move in with Sebastian. Not as a couple but so you could both co parent appropriately. Her bassinet stayed in your room but some nights she would stay with Sebastian so you could get some sleep between feeds on rare occasions like tonight Sebastian was too exhausted from the lack of sleep that he just crashed on your bed for the twenty minute reprieve before Lottie was up again. The cluster feeding was beginning to exhaust you but thankfully that was the only issue you had and to have Sebastian’s support when it came to your feeding her felt incredible.
Sebastian had promised you on that day four months ago that he would kick Lexus to the curb and that’s exactly what he did although it wasn’t easy. She was dragging out this legal process as much as she could which included demanding custody of Lottie after convincing her Lawyer that there was some sort of legal agreement in place that you were just a surrogate. Between prepping for the legal battle of a lifetime and a baby who wouldn’t sleep you were exhausted.
Your eyes shot open and Lottie’s cry broke through the silence you had been savouring. Sebastian jumped up and walked to the end of the bed where she lay in her bassinet and swiftly picked her up.
“Shhh, it’s okay prinţesă. Daddy’s got you.” He cuddled her to his chest and smiled into the darkness. Becoming a father had completed him. His eyes were puffy with lack of sleep and his chest was constantly tight at the idea of losing her but he savoured every moment. Every cry, every feed and every nappy change he was there for it, not wanting to miss a second. He walked back to the bed sitting down on the side he had been asleep on moments ago and waited for you to sit upright your eyes still closed as you went through the motions of preparing to feed her. Sebastian watched on as he saw the woman of his dreams begin to feed the daughter they had created and while he sat next to you watching you do your thing he felt complete. His little family all in one place. It was no secret that he wanted to rekindle the relationship but you weren’t quite there. Not yet. Still, he waited. He waited for you to be ready to once again open your heart up to him.
“How are you doing?” He asked you as you stroked the cheek of the babe at your breast as she slowly began to drift her eyes closed.
“I’m good.” You smiled as you looked at him. Through the veil of darkness you could still see the beautiful blue eyes you had always adored and felt a twinge in your heart. Some moments were like this. You would be caught off guard with your feelings for him and begin to wonder what life would be like if this was your normal. In reality you knew that tomorrow Sebastian would probably be back in his own room, but is that what she wanted?
“Are you going to be okay with her tomorrow?” He asked interrupting your thoughts.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?” You chuckled. Sebastian shook his head at the stupidity of his question, of course you would be right.
“I didn’t mean it like that it’s just I have an appointment.”
“With your lawyer?”
“No, with my psychologist and then my agent. She thinks she has an audition for me.” He looked to his hands as he entwined his fingers, something he usually did when he was nervous or uncomfortable. The two of you had not spoken about when he would go back to work or when you would either but you knew it was looming on the horizon.
“Oh, that’s great.” You said trying to keep your emotions at bay. Since giving birth you had been doing great mentally. Initially you were concerned about post partum depression looming its ugly head but it never happened. Your daughter was your medicine, she was all you needed in the world.
“Are you okay with that?” He asked.
“Yeah of course.” You spoke with authority and hoped you were convincing. To distract yourself from the bruise forming on your heart you switched Lottie sides in an effort to distract Sebastian from the conversation you knew he wanted to have.
“You can tell me if you don’t want me to. I’ll give it up in a heart beat for the two of you.” He stared at your face hoping you would look up and meet his eyes but you didn’t. You stayed focused on the sleeping babe in your arms and tried to block him out. He couldn’t handle it anymore. Sebastian reached out his hand and softly took your chin in his hand forcing you to look up at him.
“I will choose you, every single day of the week. You know that. It’s us three against the world.” In your heart you wanted to believe he was being honest but a part of you still thought he would betray you again. You couldn’t reply, you didn’t know what to say so instead you gave him a soft smile and readied to put Lottie down in her bassinet. Laying back down in bed you were ever aware of the presence next to you and it made your heart ache. You wanted him to touch you, hold you and promise you the world but you knew your focus had to be your daughter. You weren’t going to put her in that position.
Tags - @cloudyskylines @evanstanwrites @rynabarnesrogers @unicorniorosacomefrutillas @joannie95 @choices97 @selinbaskaya @hope-its-worth-it @learisa I’m sorry if I forgot any tags, let me know if I did!
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Submission from 🌺
I don’t know about having DID or OSDD. I feel if anything OSDD would be more likely tho due to me still being conscious usually idk. My therapist has noted down “Dissociative Symptoms” for me thus far alongside depression and anxiety. I however dont think I even have bad enough trauma for it? I dont remember most of my childhood. Only things I KNOW caused trauma before I was 7 was my mom yelling a lot, at the time also hitting/spanking me as well as possibly the fact she (1/? 🦚🌺)
washed out my mouth with soap at that age. Like when I said swear words and stuff. I doubt that’s bad enough tho. Things that I can’t remember/ remember fully happening but have been told or know happened was my grandmother apparently spanking me until I cried myself to sleep as an infant, my bullying starting at 6-7yo which carried on into my late teens… and 2 of my best friends being the ones to start it. Also loosing contact with another best friend in kindergarten affected me (2/?🦚🌺)
For s long time after. He wasn’t good at German so he got moved to another kindergarten that would teach him. Tho I don’t think I can consider a friend being ripped from me like that trauma? Idk. There is more traumatic stuff I actually semi recall but that was all when I was over 7 which I think is the latest for a kids brain to develop DID/OSDD. So idk if anything was bad enough and honestly don’t want to self diagnose even tho I’ve been suspicious (3/?🦚🌺)
(reason why I say parts instead of Alters) EitherWayThingsGotWorseAndMyMotherLiterallyThrethenedMeWithMurderAndSaidAllMyFriendsShouldCommitSuicide. Everytime I freeze in my fight/flight/freeze/fawn response and then sometimes fawn happens if I am locked somewhere where they cant reach me. Here only freeze tho. She stood right ahice me who was cowering in a corner and kept saying I literally can’t get up and walk off and then screamed st her to not touch me (4?/? I cant count hhhh 🌺🦚)
She claimed I would just try to sue her if she dared touch me and then mocked me because I cant call people about how she needs to call the police on herself FOR me. I literally haven’t wanted to kill myself that badly as this day in a bit and I honestly am shaking just thinking about it. Like I said ice pretty much almost fully diagnosed depression and anxiety, professionally assumed dissociative symptoms and on top of that not professionally assumed autism tho mom and I assume (5/?🌺🦚)
It for different reasons. She because of how I shut down when a situation is too much and how I cant handle being tasked with multiple things at once/breaking the order of what I’m doing and I due to how I struggle to read human emotions and realizing how to function like a normal person. I can accidentally completely hurt someone and be completely oblivious to it, doing it again and again until told off. And then I accidentally hurt them in another way because I’m scared I’ll do (6/?🌺🦚)
It again. Example: I’m bety clingy due to trauma in my mid teens regarding some friends. I didn’t realize I was being too much until my friend distanced herself causing me to break down in fear of loosing her. She admitted I had been too clingy. I ended up distancing myself - scared of overwhelming her again if I talk to her. It took me 2 whole months to even tell her I love her again. Now she admitted I’ve been a bit too distant which I already was aware of but still (7?/?🌺🦚)
I literally didn’t even dare ask her how she is doing for TWO MONTHS thinking she would leave me if I started clinging again. I hyper fixated on her a lot last year which I realized when she said it was too much. I’m slowly trying to at least check up on her again. I beg her to communicate to me if I fuck up ANYTHING because I literally am blind to it but I feel she thinks she hurts me if she does. What more am I supposed to do than tell her “hey I cant understand normal human (8/?🌺🦚)
interaction so please tell me if I’m being weird!”? Like I said before, I don’t want to self diagnose. It’s just that this plus generally my hyper fixations with people and games/shows is a little suspicious in the long run if that makes sense. My brother also has adhd so it’s not as if its impossible for some other stuff to be in our family, y'know? I’ll see where therapy takes me for now tho. I started rambling again, didn’t I? Sorry about that! (8?/?🦚🌺)
But yeah in short I’ve trauma but most is from after the “requirement” age for DID/OSDD plus I’ve many other mental issues either confirmed or suspected. Who knows maybe my mother is right and I belong locked up in a mental institution from the movies instead of how they actually are. According to her I’m just a disgusting liar who deserves to be suffocated anyways. — Also I’ve honestly kept asking myself if I’m just making up the parts. I used to have imaginary friends as a kid (9/?🦚🌺)
Who my mother forbid me to talk to as I was being “weird”. Maybe it’s just that again? Or maybe I’m not making it up and some of those imaginary friends were parts? Idk. What I know is that one of them literally was more like a mother to me than my own mother. I recently had a dream about them - before the parts returned really - where I called that one imaginary friend “mom” and said I missed her. I cried. I didn’t want to wake up.I struggle to stay on track with this I’m sorry (10/?🦚🌺)
Either way, I apolagize for rambling, being a mess and being all over the place. I honestly just made myself cry again at this rate and yeah… I kinda banned 2 of my browsers from sending aska for an hour rip (final)🦚🌺
Hey there again!
Please don’t feel bad at all for talking so much and every now and again rambling. I am glad that you feel comfortable and safe in speaking with us as it’s so important that you do have someone you can talk to regardless of what you may need/ want to say.
In regards to the trauma that you have endured both as a child and whilst growing up, it’s important that you know that we all handle trauma differently from others and sometimes, even a little bit of trauma that feels like nothing can have lifelong impact on you and who you grow up to be. I also do not think that you belong in a mental health hospital long term either, whether you believe it or not you are doing the very best you can right now and right now that’s enough. Just remember that talking can be so helpful no matter if it’s your therapist you talk to, a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling, a close friend or even us! Never feel like you aren’t good enough to be able to talk to another, you’re so important in life and you deserve the very best!
In regards to possible diagnosis’ that you may have, it can be quite hard at times to be properly diagnosed by a professional as some diagnosis’ may have the same or similar symptoms as another and not only this but sometimes a diagnosis can also coexist with another making symptoms that you may be having worse and consequently blurring what diagnosis you may have. Does that make sense?
I’m so sorry that your Mum treats you as she does, you do not deserve this at all. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this as yet?
I really hope that this has helped a bit and please know that you are not alone and that I’m thinking of you!
Take care,
Lauren
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capfalcon · 4 years
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top 5 f i c s
all my top 5 fics r for inception but like um in terms of marvel (i havent read marvel fic in a while ok this is hazy)
also i kind of hate you for this ask because i just re read literally every single fic i recced and now im fucking sobbing like a maniac
most of these r gonna be stevetony just an fyi and they are not in order bc honestly every fic is different and has it's own qualities and joys so they are not comparable or ranked i love them all. i would also like to mention that i am the type of person who has loved writing since i was maybe 4, and has been a writer since i was maybe 5, so like. when i recc these, i mean that these fics made me a different person. they made me a better writer. they made me a better human being. because every time you relate to a character over something you have 0 experience with, you are a different person. you have a new perspective. so i am reccing these from the perspective of both a writer and a human being and a person who loves words.
1. maya's (@quidhitch ) entire christmas AU makes me cry and laugh and cry and cry and smile and cry so much i love it (all her other fics are also life changing)
“I love this song,” Steve sighs.
Tony snorts. “Everyone in the world loves this song.”
“Doesn’t make it any less worth loving.”
2. hold your fire by jenthesweetie. this fic. god. this fic. raw. so fucking raw. i am a big big fan of the whole ravaged world idea, and this fic does it justice so beautifully. i even wrote my own fic sorta entirely based on this one. it's. so fucking good. plus im a really really big fan of...not ambiguous endings, but endings that aren't concrete. it's a fucked up world, and sometimes things dont have to be definitively good. it's a beautiful, beautiful fic.
"Yeah," Steve says, and then Tony's quiet for a long time, and absolutely nothing is ever right anymore but given the circumstances it's not exactly wrong, either.
3. okay. so this one is very difficult and honestly I'm gonna cheat and not even do it properly. there are a few select fics that @elcorhamletlive (nanasekei on Ao3) has written that literally maybe have changed my being. probably. quite possibly. almost undoubtedly.
the first is responsibility. this fic haunts me. genuinely. i fall asleep thinking about it, sometimes. it fucking hurts, but like in the way that makes you want it to hurt. (although this is the only fic i will ever recc with a sad ending. the only one. it is the only one i have ever found worth the pain.)
You think of Vormir, of how he kissed you too many times to say goodbye and not enough times to distract you from his shaking hands. He said I wish and you know now what he was thinking of.
the second is Hating Steve Rogers. no joke, for a period of like 5 months, i re read this fic at least ocne a week. i won't say more. the fic speaks for itself.
The thing about loving people is that no one’s exactly good at it. And Tony loves too much and too loudly, and Steve loves too much and too quietly, and they learn to find each other in the middle, to create their own frequency. It’s like palladium and shrapnel, and ice, and Steve’s touch in Tony’s hair in the morning, Steve’s voice at his ear at night, Steve’s hand carefully and slowly reaching for his during a team dinner. 
Tony thinks: I’d start a war to get you to look at me like this.
(Maybe, Tony thinks, you just can’t be that stubborn and kind and brave and exist in the world without also being sad. Maybe being sad is just the price Steve pays for being real.)
Tony counts the endless shades of blue in his eyes, thinks of his hand still so close, wonders how it’s possible to feel drunker on someone’s presence than after five shots of whiskey.
the third is Five Seconds. it's a massive fuck you to the mcu and i love it immensly.
There are the moments where Steve thinks love, in itself, is not a good word to express what they have. Steve thinks love is too small a word – too simple, too easy –, and what he feels for Tony is something humanity hasn’t yet named. He wonders if in some reality someone has found the word, a word for the way he watches Tony yawn and stretch his arms above his head in the morning, a word for the feeling of dying and being born exactly at the same time.
the fourth. if I time it right, the thunder breaks (when I open my mouth). this fic is gorgeous. intricate. delicate. beautiful. just beautiful. it's sort of an ode to love and wanting someone, in its own beautiful way.
(If he’s going to be honest – and he’s always honest –, the minute the words actually leave his lips, he doesn’t regret them in the slightest, just like he didn’t before, in the hospital room and watching Tony sleep. At the end of the day, Steve thinks, you can’t regret the truth. It is just what it is.)
all the rest of her fics are beautiful and lovely and funny and so good, but these ones i would gladly get tattooed across my body, if i had to choose.
4. When Our Day Comes by thepartyresponsible
this is a funny but slightly serious fic about steve dealing with everything, cuz like. that's kind of a lot, and it's fun and it wormed a way into my heart. i adore it.
 “Ugh, what the fuck,” Tony says, running a hand down his face. “JARVIS,” he says, as he falls back onto his bed, “I despoiled America’s sweetheart. Call Rhodey. Call a tattoo artist. Call a priest.”
5. Put My Guns in the Ground (I Can't Shoot Them Anymore) by jukeboxhound
one of the most important things in a fic for me is characterization. i don't really give a shit about grammar or format or even plot, i just want true to form characterization. tony stark is by far the hardest character I've ever written in terms of fanfic. his syntax and phrases and word choice are insanely unique. so, by large, i do not believe most authors tend to capure that perfectly. however, every fic on this list definitely does. but one of the defining characteristics i remember of this series is that i was pretty impressed with this take on ptsd and depression and mental health in relation to both steve and tony in general.
i have reread a few paragraphs in this fic daily for a few months because it's a piece of writing that sees me, that grips my fucking heart and hurts, says in no uncertain terms, "I hear you. I see you."
So yeah, Steve is their captain and their icon and this means he has to make the decisions that other people can't, or won't, or pretend don't exist in this modern civilized world. Tony puts his gauntlets on Steve's hips as though it'll anchor him in the correct era, in the here and now with Tony himself and the consumer capitalist soulless nation that America's becoming, where the American Dream has become the Wall Street Dream. Tony holds himself solid in the face of Steve's hard, bruising kisses, imagines himself taking in what Steve needs to give him and tucking it close inside the harsh light of the arc reactor because he's too cynical to let Captain America bear the weight of all their sins himself.
I'm aware that's technically both 5 and technically not 5, and i want to reiterate, this is not my top 5. this is not ranked. these are the fics i remember right now, and yes, they're beautiful, but there are dozens of other fics i love. there are fics so gorgeous i wish i could make every person on earth read. nasafic's fics got me into stevetony in the first place. i love romcommed by fate, i love first impressions, i love so so so so many more fics than this. but here we are.
i'm gonna go cry some more now and maybe go take another 4 hour nap.
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ladyofpurple · 4 years
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here it is: the post Literally no one was waiting for. i'd put it under a read more thing but i'm on mobile and can't be assed to get out of bed so fuck it. we air our dirty laundry on main for the world to see like men.
so waaay back in february or something, i started seeing a psychologist again. i'd been seeing a psychologist for a while last year, but she had a private practice and got too expensive over time, so i had to stop. now, however, i finally got a referral to the public mental health offices in my county. which is nice, because norway has this neat thing that means when you go to the doctor, public health care facilities, refill prescriptions for medications you have to take daily, etc, the money you spend on those things gets recorded and after you've spent like $260, you get a free card that gets logged into your medical records and you don't have to pay for any of those things for the rest of the year.
anyway, i mentioned a couple of years back that i finally got put on antidepressants for the first time. they helped a lot, but then i just... stopped taking them. there wasn't a reason, really. i just forgot to take them one week when i was stuck in bed with a headcold, and then it was hard to get back in the habit again. i tried to get back on them off and on for a long time, but i'd inevitably just forget again. until, like, i wanna say november/early december last year? i started taking them again. there were still some slip-ups every now and then, but for the most part i took them almost every day. any gaps were no longer than two, maybe three days at the most, and those gaps were maybe once a month or so on average. averages aren't really useful in this context, but i hope you get the idea.
anyway, i finally convinced my doctor that, no, seriously, i really need to see a psychologist, i've always needed to see psychologists my whole life, seeing psychologists help me, i can't afford a private psychologist so i need a public one, and after a lot of begging and insisting on my end and a lot of hemming and hawing on her end she finally agreed to refer me. except she forgot to actually send the email she'd been typing in front of me, and then she quit, so there was a lot of confusion and time spent sorting things out until i got my first appointment.
i didn't like my psychologist at first. she was way older than i'm usually comfortable with (that's a personal me-problem that i know is irrational, and i'm not gonna go into the why but yes i'm working on it), and very blunt in an exasperated sort of way. she made me angry sometimes. she made me feel like i wasn't trying hard enough. but she helped me get shit done, so i guess she was doing something right.
in june she called in a psychiatrist to help adjust my medications, so i started taking zoloft in addition to the other medication (remeron, aka mirtazapine) that i was already taking. the mirtazapine was helping with my depression, but my anxiety was still pretty bad. the zoloft helped.
by my second appointment with my psychologist, she asked me whether i could have adhd, or if there was a history of it in my family. now, i have a lot of family with adhd (how closely related we are by blood is a bit of a mystery to me, my family tree is more like an overgrown hedge and who knows who fits where), and my grandma used to joke that the women in our family "all have a little bit of that adhd brain in us", but as far as i knew, nobody in my immediate, direct bloodline had such a diagnosis. i had my suspicions about myself, of course — i knew that not every focus or attention related problem necessarily has a specific attention disorder source, but i also knew that what i was experiencing couldn't be "normal," in the sense that if i walked into a room with 100 people in it, 86 of those people wouldn't necessarily look at a list of my symptoms and go "oh same hat." i've had add on my about me for a while now. maybe that was silly of me; i hadn't been diagnosed with it, and what i knew about the specifics of it were picked up piecemeal off the internet. you know, that super-reliable place where everyone is honest and factual all the time?
anyway, this began the process of investigating the merits of such a potential diagnosis. research was begun. questionnaires were taken. my mom was invited to one of my sessions, in which she revealed that, oh yeah, bee tee dubs, she's always suspected i have adhd. did she mention that she has also apparently always suspected ocd and that i'm autistic? no? whoops, well, she has now.
end of june i was referred to the neuropsychologist devision of the public health care place. over the course of a little over 6 weeks i went in for 2 interviews, in which i answered several questionnaires, talked about my life and childhood and traumas and what my mom had told me about her pregnancy and labor, every possible symptom i'd ever had, and was sent home with even *more* questionnaries. in addition to these, i went in for two rounds of "testing," in which i was tested on my memory, pattern recognition, reaction time, impulse control, and probably a dozen other things. i was nervous. it was exhausting. i wanted answers but was terrified of what those answers would be.
end of august, my mom came with me for the big reveal. and guess what? she was right. primary diagnosis: adhd, special emphasis on the attention deficit part. bonus diagnosis: asperger syndrome. surprise! i'm autistic, i guess.
it was hard to come to terms with. which sounds really silly, since i wouldn't have even been taking those tests if i didn't think the outcome was a possibility. and it's not like the diagnoses were surprising either. the adhd part was easier to accept, mostly because i already felt pretty confident i had it. but the asperger diagnosis was harder. having to unlearn all those ingrained ableist stereotypes and social stigmas is hard, especially when you had some you didn't even realize were there. it's very surreal to think a thought and be like "no, wait, i do that. that joke is about me." it's a very surreal and slightly upsetting experience to realize how biased you are as general rule, but especially about a facet of your own identity you weren't aware of. and the feeling of everything and nothing changing all at once. i've always been like this. a doctor telling me i have two cognitive/developmental disabilities isn't an event that magically gave me these disabilities. my brain has always worked like this. the only difference between me now and me a year ago is that i have an official, medical reason for Why now.
that's another thing: coming to terms with the idea of being "developmentally disabled." it's not like i'm suddenly a different person — i have to constantly remind myself that my brain has always been like this. but having a piece of paper confirming that i am legally entitled to special allowances in the workplace or at school because i have not one, but two "disabilities" is absolutely buckwild to me.
it makes me reevaluate my life and my past. how many situations did i make worse because i did not have the capacity or knowledge about how my own brain works to self-reflect? was i high-functioning in the past because life was simpler? was it because i subconsciously had a better handle on what works for me and what doesn't, and somewhere along the way i lost that? or was it simply because i didn't have the option to be anything other than high-functioning? it's confusing.
i also lost my spot at college. i can still reapply next year if i want, but at least now i know why i was failing out lmao
anyway, by my birthday in september we started the process of adjusting my medication again. upping my zoloft, getting me off remeron, and as of 6 weeks ago or so, beginning ritalin.
it was a rocky start, but i'm up to 60mg now. two pills in the morning, one in the afternoon. i have a goddamn alarm for 8am every day, even weekends. my sleeping is still wonky, but at least im genuinely tired by 8pm every night. the psychiatrist still wants me to try melatonin for a month (even though i told her multiple times it has never worked for me, and my problem has never been "i'm not sleepy enough"), so i'm on a whopping 2mg of melatonin for the next 30 days. norwegians are fucking WEIRD about melatonin, don't even get me started.
a slightly unexpected side-effect (on my end) of these medication changes: remeron made me gain weight. like, a lot of weight. and i was constantly hungry all the time, overeating to ridiculous amounts. why did nobody ever tell me that weight gain and metabolism changes are a side-effect of anti-depressants? i was more active this summer than i'd been in, like, three years and i just got fatter. which was incomvenient because i kept outgrowing my clothes. anyway, a side effect of ritalin is a loss of appetite and general weight loss. the combination of regularly taking ritalin and dropping remeron entirely? i eat a fraction of what i used to before, i've almost entirely stopped snacking, and i've lost 15 lbs in less than a month. i've already noticed my face is slightly slimmer now. maybe by christmas i'll be able to fit into my old tshirts again.
anyway, my psychologist quit, so i have a new one now. i've only seen her a few times, but she's veeeery different from my old one. i can't decide if i like her or not.
in the middle of all this, i've been going to the social security office as well to kind of get some of my own money, possibly help me get a job at some point in the future. my caseworker is super nice. if she's over 30 i'd be shocked. i relate to her really well, she's very helpful and understanding, and she's very patient with me and my bullshit. she's the kind of person where if we met at a party or something we could probably hang out.
anyway, she's helped me get out of the house sometimes. she introduced me to this youth club volunteer group thing called the fountain house, designed for young people who've dealt with or are currently dealing with mental illnesses and such. i hung out there yesterday and the day before and did some basic office work. it's nice. and then there's a work placement place that can either give you a job on site in one of their four departments, or help you get a job at an actual business elsewhere with more support and leniency than you might get if they just hired you off the street. i'd start in their second hand store. they clean and restore all donations they recieve, and they're super fucking cheap. i treated myself to my literal lifelong dream of owning a vintage typewriter (!!!!!) yesterday, because it's almost christmas and goddammit, i've been doing so much shit the past couple of months i deserve it. do i have space for it? not really. do i have a plan on what to use it for? no. was it heavy and miserable trekking through the snow and rain yesterday back and forth? was it worth the backache in the morning? fuck yeah it was.
a fucking lot of things are happening all at once. diagnoses, medications, lifestyle changes, work placement, social clubs, dealing with bureaucracies on all sides just so i can feel like a person again, not to mention juggling hobbies like writing and drawing and maintaining my irl friendships. i'm getting as many balls rolling as i can while i have the opportunity and mental/emotional capacity to, but i'm worried i'll burn out again. i'm stabilizing and slowly building my life back up, but jesus christ it would suck if this stupid house of cards collapsed again. but i'm tentatively optimistic. who knows, maybe it's not to late to course-correct my mistakes.
so long story short, that's why i've barely been active on tumblr for months. that's why i haven't been writing, drawing, or reading fic. it's coming along, but it's slow.
i guess the most important thing is that it's coming along at all.
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aliceslantern · 4 years
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Beyond this Existence: Atonement, chapter 15
Ansem always had a penchant for strays, so it's not at all surprising when he takes in the orphaned child Ienzo. The boy's presence changes everything, far more than Even is willing to admit. Ienzo's brilliance seems promising, but the arrival of a young Xehanort pushes the apprentices onto a dark, cruel, inhumane path which will affect the future of the World. And even once it's all over with--once Xehanort is dead--they still must pick up the pieces, forgive one another, find a way to atone for their atrocities, and struggle to accept the humanity which has been thrust upon them.
Or: Even's journey from BBS through post-KH3
Chapter summary:  Even realizes he can no longer live in isolation, and attempts to mend the bonds with those around him.
Read it on FF.net/on AO3
---
Stuck.
Like a record, he repeats the same things over and over again. None of his experiments are promising, none of the reports he writes insightful. He’s getting purely nothing done. Months are passing, he’s losing time--he fears he’s losing more than that. Is this depression? Insanity? Something isn’t right.
He’s trying to distill a compound one of these nothing days when the beaker suddenly shatters, spattering his arm with caustic materials. Despite precautions and gear, he’s rather injured. As gently as possible, he picks the glass out of the wound, washes away all of the compound, wraps it securely. It stings terrifically, adding to his patchwork of burns. Could he stitch this himself? Absolutely. Should he, when someone else could fix it easily?
He meets Demyx in the hall near their apartment; the young man is toting a laundry basket. “Good. You’re here.”
He raises an eyebrow. “What’s wrong? What did you do to yourself?”
“What indeed. Either way I need your help.”
Something like smugness leaches into his green eyes. Even regrets coming down; but he’s already here. “Come on. Sit down.” He brings Even inside, reaching for the medic bag by the door. “Is it bleeding? Can I see it?”
What about sterility? “Aren’t you going to wash your hands first?”
He huffs a little. “I already cleaned them with magic.” He takes Even’s hand and examines the wound. “Ouch. How’d you do that?”
He watches with something like fascination as the boy heals him, easing the pain and chemical burns without even touching it. He’s sure the boy’s hands are actually clean (or hopes) but there’s something disquieting about the lack of gloves. The wound doesn’t scar; not that it would’ve been noticeable anyway. “A beaker got too hot, and burst. These things happen. All the glass I work with is so old, it’s only a matter of time. I would’ve tended to it myself, but…”
“I’m sure you would’ve,” Demyx says. “How’s that feel?”
“Better. Faster than what I could’ve done. You have my thanks.”
Rather generously (and petulantly?) the boy adds, “It’s not too late for you to learn.”
He scoffs. “What, old dog, new tricks?” Even asks. “I’ve studied enough medicine. This might surprise you, but I don’t exactly have… the proper countenance.”
He laughs. “It’s okay.”
He rolls down his sleeve. “I’ve enough of bodies, I think.” Enough of the physical sicknesses, the injuries, the neediness.
“Yeah?”
“The human body is so… fragile. So fallible.”
“I know,” Demyx says. “Preaching to the choir.”
Even considers the boy, the drollness of his expression. He knows he’s changed, but is Demyx really passionate enough about this to go through with it? It’s a lot of draining, thankless work if one’s heart is not truly in it. “You’re still… gung-ho, about this, then?”
He blinks. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I recall once upon a time you were quite flighty.”
His expression hardens, and his tone is somewhat sharp when he says, “Then isn’t now.”
Great. The last thing he needs is to alienate one of the few people who can tolerate him. (To think, there’d be a day when he’d value Demyx’s presence.) “I… apologize if that remark offended you.”
He kneels by the hearth and begins building a fire. “It didn’t.”
He’s absolutely lying. “Yet your tone is rather cold.”
Demyx doesn’t miss a beat. “As is yours. As is all of you, actually.”
“Cold like ice?” Arguing, volatility, is so easy. Why isn’t anything else?
He looks up. “I’m not sure what you want me to say.”
“I think we’re far beyond tailoring responses for tact.”
“Are we?” Demyx asks. He crumples some paper and lights it with a match. Even flinches, fighting hard against the memory (Buh-bye.). The boy’s still talking. “For a while I thought we were getting closer. But you’re still hiding yourself away, so. I don’t know what that means. You can go, if you want. Your arm should be fine.”
So he’s noticed. Someone’s noticed, and cared. But this doesn’t make him feel any better. Because like everything else he’s tossed this boy aside too. “...Quite. Thank you.”
“Sure,” he says dully, still in front of the fire.
Maybe he can salvage this. “All these… words about the linearity of progress, of healing. You must realize that this isn’t as easy for me as it is for you.”
His head snaps up. “It’s not easy. It’s never easy. Not for a minute. You don’t know the half of it.”
Made it worse again.
His eyes are so piercing. “You know I take meds? We both do. Otherwise the trauma literally makes me unable to function. And I’ve heard Ienzo talk about what happened in the basement, and what happened at Castle Oblivion. I know, Even. I know what you did to him, and to Ansem.”
A sharp pain shoots through him, the first in a long while; but it quickly withers. Of course. They’re so close… Ienzo must have told him everything. A wave of shame eclipses the pain. “You must be very angry with me, then.”
“Ienzo forgives you. So I do too.” His tone is not at all forgiving. He keeps building the fire.
“You must understand, then. How difficult it is to move on. I see the reminders of it every day.”
“You think I don’t?” Then, a little less harshly, “Even, you can’t keep living like this.”
He feels caught. “I know.” He sits, the weight of his body too much. “I’m aware this is not healthy. Physically or mentally. What am I to do? Burden that boy with the weight of these things I supposedly feel?”
“What about Ansem? Or Aeleus or Dilan? Aren’t they your friends?”
So sharp, yet so naive. ““Friend” is a loose term.”
He’s facing Even now. “What about me, then? I’m not... I’m not him, Even. I’m not Demyx.”
Another pain comes back. Just as suddenly, “Yet you wear the same face and have the same name.”
“You know what I mean.” He bites his lip. “Do you want to get better? Or are you just running from anything meaningful?”
Even feels his face flush. (He’s right.) “Part of it is… I hope… practicality,” he admits. “I recall that, for you… the intensity of your returning humanity pushed you to the edge. I do not wish to experience that. I do not need my existence to be so… precarious.” No need to worry anyone about a wretch like him.
The boy sighs. “Is this about Ansem? About when he tried to--”
“I do not wish to be a burden. On anyone. I do not crave… pity.”
“You can’t stay in this middle state forever, though. You need to let your heart grow.”
He looks away.
“I can help you,” Demyx says. “I know how it feels, Even. I think I might be the only one.”
He has a point. He realizes he’s been avoiding asking Demyx about that experience. But why? To spare himself pain? “Was it moreso… memories, or feelings?”
He shrugs. “The memories came… later,” he says. “It was… anxiety more than anything. And nightmares. And then… I…”
Fear so like Even’s own. “You fell in love?” he asked dryly.
“Well, yeah. It’s about… seeing and being seen, or whatever. When I realized he loved me back, it… it hurt. I thought I was having a heart attack. But I don’t think it necessarily has to be romantic. You have to… decide to be human.” Even’s just asking himself the question when the boy adds, “Don’t you want that?”
“I like to think so.” But does he? Is it worth the pain? It’s already so potent. And if the trauma makes them unable to function… what will it do to Even? He needs to be of use. He can’t fall apart.
“It’s better than being numb all the time.”
“Worth the anxiety that makes you unable to function?”
Irritation flickers across his face. “Even, I don’t know, okay? I can’t make this better for you. I can’t convince you to want something when you so clearly don’t.”
The anger surprises him; but why should it? Demyx is being so earnest, and he’s stepping on it.
He lifts his chin. “You want to be miserable and alone, that’s fine by me.”
Even isn’t angry in return; he’s just tired. “Well. If that’s how you feel.”
---
He drags himself back to his lab. That bastion. There are still shards of glass on the table, but he doesn’t sweep them up. He sits, heavily. Shivers. Debates giving into this growing urge to break down. What good would it possibly do?
Even can’t live like this.
Vexen could live in isolation, could thrive in it. So could Even-of-the-past, to a lesser degree. But now?
Now.
He wants to change--or claims to want it, anyway. Again that boy--so underestimated--managed to gut him. He’s running away, hiding, closing himself off. How can he possibly make things better doing this? Not for himself, but anyone? He can’t do high quality work if his mental health worsens. No wonder he’s gotten absolutely nothing accomplished.
He needs someone.
It’s a cold realization, colder than the room he’s in. He needs connection. He is not special, not an outlier. He stands, as though physically propelled by this thought, and crosses over to the window. It’s snowing. A full year gone by and… nothing. Something in his throat aches.
To give in, or not.
The lab door creaks. Even knows without looking who it is. “Hey,” Demyx says. “Listen, I--”
The words fall from him. “You were right.”
“What?” he sounds shocked. The pain is worsening. He feels something like a helplessness, viewing a storm on the horizon. It’s going to happen whether you want it to or not.
“Does your hearing need to be checked? You were right.” He crosses his arms as though to physically keep it together. “You can’t do algebra, yet you have a better understanding of humanity than I after years of study. It is… galling.”
“Uh… sorry? I guess?” He hears Demyx take a few steps.
“I’ve been making excuses. I’ve been… lazy. I’ve been trying to save myself from this… remorse, because I don't want any of you see me fall apart. Why is it you care, Demyx? After all my belittling of you?”
“That was years ago.”
“Does it matter?” Abuse is abuse is abuse.
Even hears him sigh. He feels a hand touch his arm and is immensely grateful for the curtain of his hair.
“I feel… stuck. I didn’t realize… that this feeling is not productive.” It’s hard to say this out loud.
Gently, “You can change that.”
So certain. He nods.
“Besides, we’re… we’re sort of family, right? What other reason do I need?”
It’s this that breaks him, that forces the as-yet-fought tears in his eyes to run over. Even doesn’t deserve kindness.
In his periphery, Demyx leans against the windowsill. “It’s hard to be vulnerable. I know. Especially after what we all went through. It fucking sucks, right? That to survive all that, now we have to deal with this…”
“...Psychological consequence?”
“I was going to say “bullshit”, but that works too.”
He tries to collect himself. “I forget what it is to… care,” Even says. “But isn’t that what’s been missing? From this… atonement? I can feel passionate about numbers, about the science, but I haven’t seen beyond that. So you’re right. It’s time to shore up. I should at the very least be the bigger grown-up than you.”
He laughs. “I know you didn’t have many options, but… thanks for letting me be the one to deliver the replica.”
“Thanks for following through. For once.”
“I’m going to hug you now.”
“I’d rather you didn't.”
“Too late.” Demyx squeezes him once, lightly, around the waist. It’s so unfamiliar, to be touched; he almost doesn’t know how to react. Then, equally as overwhelming, “Come have dinner with us.”
Perhaps it is for this reason that he says, “...Alright. I… it is rather cold in here, isn’t it? I should get that looked at.” He turns his face away, mops at his eyes. “You’re not half-bad.”
“Back at you.”
---
Let the heart grow.
How?
He’s rebuilt this tenuous connection between himself and Demyx--but it’s the newest, has undergone the least stress. There’s so much more he has to deal with.
Decide to be human. As if it’s so simple.
Isn’t it? Embrace these feelings, rather than reject them, even if it’s pain. Would it be so bad to come apart? To let himself be helped? It’s going to be necessary. All this repression does not bode well for him, physically and mentally. He can’t afford to die young (relatively speaking), not when he has so much to make up for.
He takes it in turn to try and socialize again, to spend time in the communal spaces.
“It’s good to see you here,” Aeleus admits.
“I’m afraid my pride’s taken a good beating,” Even says. “Ienzo’s miscreant gave me a talking-to about isolating myself. I figure he’s right.” He shakes his head.
“Demyx was always perceptive,” he says.
“As I’m finding out. At least there’s that. I suppose Ienzo could have done much worse for himself.”
He chuckles a little. He’s still working on some kind of puzzle, spread willy-nilly on the floor. “The constellations,” he says. “I’m struggling to remember them. They’ve been different for so long.”
“You and your astrology.” Even rolls his eyes.
“Many things impact a heart.”
“Apparently.”
Aeleus places his piece at last. “I found that little cat of theirs up here and nearly panicked. I thought it had messed it all up. Ten thousand pieces--I might’ve cried.”
“Only to start again?” Even asks dryly.
He shrugs. “It’s a good way to use the mind. My work has been so physical lately. And so tedious. But at least if we can get the heating fixed, we’ll be warmer.”
“Is it work you enjoy?”
“I like being of use,” Aeleus says. “What is it you’ve been working on?”
Even shifts a little in the chair. He’s almost out of practice with conversation. “A fool’s errand, I suppose,” he admits. “I… am trying to develop something like an antidepressant. Something to lessen the way trauma impacts the body.”
Aeleus looks up. “That’s hardly foolish. The people here could use that.”
“I hope so. But there’s the sad truth that it must go through clinical trials--and who would trust me?”
“I’d trust you,” Aeleus says. “I’ll be your guinea pig.”
Even scoffs a little. “That’s hardly necessary.”
“I… could use such a thing,” he says quietly. He picks up another tiny piece; in his hands, it’s comically small.
He frowns. “Was Castle Oblivion very rough on you?”
“It wasn’t… easy. I…” He hesitates. “I do have very intense nightmares.”
“...About what?”
“Any number of things.” Aeleus keeps his eyes on the puzzle. “I was not able to protect Zexion, or you. I do not know how he passed--but my mind likes to torture me with the possibilities. That scar…” He shudders. “Nor… you as well.”
“I’m not sure if it would help--but I have both answers.”
Aeleus looks back up.
As gently as possible, Even explains.
For a moment, there’s a crack in his normally stoic expression, something like shock and horror; Even’s again unsure if he’s caused yet more damage. But then Aeleus nods slowly. “I… see. That must’ve been terrifying for you.”
“I suppose. I’m not sure if my mind is not yet prepared to process it… but I do not nightmare much. Perhaps because I don’t sleep so deeply.”
“You were always a restless sleeper,” he says dully. “Thank you for… telling me. Knowledge is closure.”
Even nods. “I do hope yours wasn’t nearly so brutal.”
Aeleus shrugs. “Brutality is relative, I think. We… we unsure of why you were so injured.”
“Yes, well. The scars aren’t so pretty, but I never cared much about outward appearances.”
Aeleus considers the puzzle in front of him. For a moment he says nothing.
“I… suppose I am softening,” Even says. “We must… have to be here. Otherwise, why would we have all pulled through?”
He gives a small smile. “You’ve made progress.”
“Very, very slowly.”
Aeleus takes his hand. “Better than not at all… unlike some people here.”
It’s unusual for Aeleus to be so suggestive. “You mean Ansem?”
“I’m not sure what it would take to reach him. I… have tried.”
“I have too.” Even frowns.
“But you can’t help those who don’t want it. No matter what you do.” He admires his handiwork. “Shall we go get some lunch?”
---
It’s this Even thinks about later that night, his head pounding. He scans textbooks, trying to understand. Perhaps it’s not a loss of will to live in the literal sense--but rather, the emotional or spiritual. Medicine can’t touch it. Only determination and a careful hand.
He hears his door bang open. It’s much too late for visitors; something must be wrong. He looks over his shoulder. There’s Ienzo, in pajamas and a dressing gown. In the poor lighting, it’s hard to see his face. “Out for a nighttime stroll?” he asks. “Or did you have a lovers’ quarrel?” Things seem much too perfect between the two boys. It’s only a matter of time.
Ienzo’s voice has a jagged edge to it when he says, “You lied.”
Oh.
Of course. He’s processing.
Gently, he asks, “What is this about?”
He’s breathing hard. “You lied to me. About Ansem.”
This is going to hurt; Even can feel it. “Yes, I know. I thought you did, too.” He swivels his stool.
Ienzo comes into the light. He looks manic, his face pink. “I want to know why. Why did you all do it to me? Did you think I would not understand? That I--” He’s tearing up.
Where to begin unraveling? How to help this boy? Slowly, he gathers his words. “It is… handy to blame it all on Xehanort. Truthfully, I like to think that it came from a place of protection. But that is all bunk. It we were to separate you from Ansem’s influence, then we could continue our work, unfettered. Simply… if you had nothing but us, you would rely on us, and comply with us. I cannot overstate it--as soon as it happened, I regretted it, Ienzo, because I saw how devastated you were. But by then it was too late to undo the damage. And I was a weak and selfish man. I really did believe we were better off without him.” No point telling him about the bungled escape. It will make no difference.
The boy says nothing; he seems stricken. Even’s never seen him this upset; not in a long, long while.
“It is one of my biggest mistakes,” he admits. He clucks his tongue. “I cared, but I didn’t care enough, in the right way. I should’ve--as soon as we did what we did, I should’ve tried to retrieve him. Or at the very least, tried to take you out of that situation. Let you grow up normally, and not become a stunted husk. But I didn’t. I… I held my work above all, and in the process, destroyed what was most important.” Called, tempted by darkness, a temptation that severed all. “Does that answer your question?”
He’s still breathing hard, tears running disjointedly down his face.
“I do not expect your forgiveness,” Even says softly. “I do not deserve it, either, after all the suffering I’ve retroactively put you through. But know that I… I am trying to atone. To grow. It is so… difficult--Ienzo?”
A sob escapes him; he seems surprised by it, and covers his mouth. Even stands, to console him, but Ienzo flinches away from him. “You are not well. Sit.”
He obeys, perching on the cot and hugging himself tightly. Even takes a deep breath and chances sitting next to him.
“Pain hides in pockets,” Even says. “Compartmentalizes. You knew of our betrayal, but for whatever reason, only now are you processing what it meant to you.” He exhaled. “If you wish for us to have no further contact--” Though how will he go on?
Ienzo unwittingly solves this dilemma. “I don’t wish that,” he says. “I… I want to trust you. If only because the thought of holding onto this is too much.” His voice is full of glass.
How woeful, to see him like this again. Even feels a dull pain of his own, mirrored in his chest and throat. “Then don’t.”
“You’re all I knew.”
“...I know.” This is stirring up all the guilt, already so close to the surface.
“I wanted to please you. I would've done anything to impress you.” He shakes his head. He’s trembling. “Once it all started… I never wanted people to get hurt.”
He sighs. “Nor did I. But then… I convinced myself that it was all alright, not only because it was in the interest in something greater, but because our victims supposedly consented. To be more colloquial, denial is one hell of a drug.”
He’s still so distraught. But he hasn't left. That has to mean something.
“The only person you owe forgiveness is yourself,” Even says softly, trying to meet the boy’s eyes. He takes Ienzo’s hand and, when he doesn’t pull it away, gives it a squeeze. “Remember that.”
Slowly, Ienzo nods.
“He…” His words are failing him.
He blinks. His eyes are swollen.
Knowledge is closure. Lying won’t help. “He threatened you.”
He squints. “Ansem?”
“No. Xehanort.”
Ienzo doesn’t seem sure whether or not to accept this; Even can’t blame him.
Tell the truth. He was aware it immediately contradicts what he's just said. “He… if I did not do what he said, he was going to…”
A mixture of surprise and apprehension fills his face. “But he always--” A pause, then realization. “I was a tool to him.”
“It’s what I was afraid of.” He tries to collect himself. “In that moment you gave him what he needed. I feared he would mold you into what he wanted.”
“Didn’t he?” A pause. “Didn’t he do the same to you?”
“Not quite. It was easier to be numb, to let the darkness take hold… than to claw my way out. I’m so selfish.”
“You did it for me.”
“There was still no need to lie to you. No need to retraumatize you. Those lies took over your heart, your mind. I am… I’m so sorry, Ienzo.”
“Thank you,” the boy says softly.
Even offers him a handkerchief. Ienzo wipes at his face.
“I suppose I always sort of knew,” he admits. “I remember… I remember you tried to save me.” He crumples the cloth in one hand. “When they took our hearts.”
“He’d promised me he wouldn’t touch you. I should have known better. And then…” It’s hard to admit these things, harder still to keep them inside. “When I woke as Vexen… all my ties to everyone were shattered. I felt nothing for you.”
“I felt nothing either.”
“And because I felt nothing… all the easier to not do anything. But that doesn’t justify it.” He can feel his own emotions rising, something like pain. “Child, I--”
“It’s alright,” Ienzo says softly.
“It isn’t. It will never be. You have to carry these things with you for the rest of your life. You could’ve--”
“Don’t you?” He’s still crying. “Suffering for me will not negate it, Even. For either of us. But we have… we have one another. We have time. I do not… want to spend much longer agonizing about my past. Not when I have a future. Which… because of what you did… will be a long one. Without darkness.” His voice is a bit steadier now. “Don’t forget I pushed you away too. I am not innocent in this.”
“You were a child--”
“No. I am so frustrated. You and Ansem both believe I can do no wrong. Even, you were in meetings with me. You know the things I did, the things I set in motion. The people who’ve--died because I decided it must be.” He touches his breastbone. “That will always weigh on my conscience. So, I’m sure, will your own offenses. But…”
“It can be fixed,” he says, to himself.
“Yes. Much… like us.” He shuts his eyes for a moment, then opens them. “I am… rather tired. I believe I gave Demyx a fright, running out like this. We can discuss this further when we’ve had some sleep.”
“...Sure.” He feels something rising in him. “You’re… so young to be so wise.”
Ienzo turns a little. “I’ve had a lot of time to think. Some would say too much. Good night, Even.” He shuts the door behind him.
For a moment Even sits reeling. He feels something tighten in him, harsh and sharp and painful, like those moments of collapse but far worse. He wonders, briefly, if it might be his time--the years and years of stress and malnourishment wreaking havoc on his body--before he remembers what Demyx said.
He isn’t dying. He’s becoming.
---
Even wakes suddenly, unaware he’s blacked out. He’s slumped awkwardly on his cot, his neck wrenched painfully. There’s a film of sweat on his skin, his head is pounding, and the muscles in his chest ache like he’s been kicked there.
He sits up. Considers.
Things feel… odd. As though they’ve shifted. It’s not completely unpleasant. He supposes it may be considered a wholeness, despite the guilt still remaining.
He’s done it, then.
Humanity lays over him heavily, leaving behind it a sort of determination to set things right.
He gathers the hair out of his face. Wipes away the sweat.
It’s time to begin.
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[Skam Italia] Ficlet: Flawed 2/2
And that’s it :D Again, it’s an unbetaed&unedited VERY LITTLE story I am writing to cope… I hope you will like it as well :) ! Edited to add:  I’d like to dedicate this to Ibisco and @annefraid The first, with her wonderful story (Resilience: go and read it if you understand Italian, it’s so good HERE ) I am a sucker for the boy squad taking care of Nico, so… Another reminder that THEY - both Nico AND Marti - are not alone was due ;) ! And Anne… wow, what an insight on Marti’s deep rooted insecurities in “try and evolve”! I mention them here but it’s all thanks to amazing fic for making me realize how Marti might see Niccolò!
******
Martino knows he screwed up. He isn’t that much of a ‘disaster gay’ – no matter how often Filippo (and his own friends, those jerks!!) likes to address him as such, to rile his Rose up – not to notice the way Nico’s mood plummeted as soon as he sat down at the table this morning. Regretting having to deal with how grumpy Martino can be, before he had any caffeine in him, already? That’s understandable… But quite unlikely. They aren’t really living together, yet, but they are past those petty fights. Who cared if someone seemed always to be too tired to do the dishes or to mop the floor? They never even discussed such trivial things, to be honest: taking care of Nico, making sure he lives in a spotless and tidy environment, is not a chore and Marti really doesn’t mind. Besides, they have a clashing definitions of order and totally different perceptions of how dirty the flat can get before it has to be cleaned. They easily met halfway, agreeing to let Niccolò do things his way and at his own pace, without having to talk about it.
So… if it wasn’t about Martino’s charming decaffeinated personality… What made him run for the hills? Was it something he said? It must be. Fuck. Why does his brain-to-mouth filter always fail him when he needs it the most? And yeah, there is a niggling voice in his head going like ‘You shouldn’t have to overthink every word you say, in fear you’re gonna hurt Nico or something. You should be free to be yourself, including who you are at your worst.’ but he’s not listening to that. What’s wrong with refusing to settle for the person he is now, and striving to become a gentler and more considerate one in the future? What’s so bad about Niccolò inspiring him to give it a try, at least? Nothing; you can’t change his mind. Moreover, he has to make up for the complete lack of any talent whatsoever… Like, okay, compared to Nico - who excels at everything he does, and it’s a lot- he can be dull and boring but at least he’s great at owning up to his mistakes - the whole ton of them - and learn. And it’s more that can be said for so many people out there, including dad, so… Lesson of the day: do not speak until you had your coffee, Martino, and a kiss from Niccolò so that you don’t forget how lucky you are to have this - HIM - to come home to. That no matter how awful you day is going to be - and no, you can’t really know beforehand, so stop being so damn negative and over dramatic… - there are always going those moments with Niccolò that will brighten it.
Okay? Okay. Now, let’s get back to the matter at hand. After the unfortunate comparison of an obsessive-compulsive disorder to a penchant for loving neatly written notes, and finding out that Martino still his that awful word – ‘psychopath’ – in his vocabulary… It wouldn’t be too far for Niccolò to persuade himself that he was belittling his efforts (as well as his mother’s) to get out of bed in the morning, on his darkest days. That’s not what he meant, of course.
’Well, you know none of your friends meant it when they said they wanted somebody to kill them, or that they were going to jump off a bridge because of school. They don’t do that anymore, because they know it reminds you of the bad place Nico’s mind can go sometimes… but some other classmates still throw those words around like it’s nothing, like they are really clinically depressed because their shitty most beloved show got cancelled or their favorite character died.’
That’s it: that’s exactly the point. He knows and it still hurts. It still makes him want to stand up and scream ‘SHUT UP, YOU IDIOTS! YOU KNOW NOTHING, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!’ at the top of his lungs. He can’t blame Nico for being so disappointed with him that he had to leave…
Well, all this mulling and self-deprecation won’t fix anything. He’d better think how to show him that even though he quite an asshole, he never acts out of maliciousness. He might have hit where it hurt out of anger, in the past, to drive people away… He wouldn’t do it, now. Not even as a last resort. He can only hope it will be enough, for Nico.
So… What should he do next? Should he run after him? Leave him some space? Should he really let Niccolò believe that he forgot what tomorrow means for them – for Martino himself - not to spoil the surprise? He had even persuaded Sana to let him be the main speaker, for once… He had a Spotify playlist ready to play, to let Niccolò know what he cannot say with words and sometimes fails to show with his actions…
He… He has no idea, like, his brain is fuzzy static and he’s pretty sure he will start hyperventilating soon… He needs help. Yep. If there’s one thing he got out of those hell months back in 2018 is that he doesn’t have to deal with any kind of crisis alone. Luca reaches out to them when he can’t find the right outfit for his dates with Silvia, when he doesn’t know if it really would be wise to eat that last piece of sushi even though he’s about to puke… And they should be aware that Niccolò might need them as well, even though he doesn’t dare to ask.
“Marti. First thing you gotta do is calm down…” Giovanni writes in the chat, as soon as he listens to his frantic voice message. “Don’t die on us, man. Oxygen is your friend. Even if it’s being a bitch now, being so heavy and shit…” Elia adds, making him smile. “Deep breaths. In. Out. Picture yourself lying down in a field… Feel the grass. Be the grass.” Luca joins in, earning rolling-eyes emojis and thumbs down.
“Is this something you heard from Silvietta, Lu?” “Actually from our yoga teacher…” “Well, stop it because it’s making me long for some weed and we have to stay lucid and sharp here for Marti and Nico.” Giovanni says in the chat, before calling Martino. “Listen. I’ll be quick: show up at school, because we can’t do much over the phone. I know you probably want to send out a search party for Niccolò rather that sit behind a desk for so long, but you have to trust that he knows how to take care of himself and that, like any of us, simply needs a couple of hours to cool down. It’s not like you killed someone, come on…”
“Yeah, but… what if he doesn’t forgive me?” He forgave him so many times, ever since that morning in the boys’ restrooms, what if this is his breaking point? “Then it’s his problem for holding you up to impossible standards, man, not yours. Don’t even try to fight me on that. You’re my best friend, Marti, and I won’t allow anyone to talk shit about you. Not even yourself.” “I’m far…” “… from perfect? Who isn’t? And don’t say Niccolò. Nope, I hate to break it to you, but he’s some major flaws too. And so do I, and so do you, Eva, Sofia, and anyone out there. Trust me: I call you out when you’ve got your head so far up your ass that you forgot how sunlight feels like and THIS is not the case. Don’t make me come over and drag you all the way to 5B’s door.” Martino is aware that it’s just an empty threat, that Giovanni would hardly ever pressure him into anything, and yet he sighs and promises he is going to be there for nine o’clock. Perhaps, if he gets out, Niccolò will feel like it’s safe to come back…
To Nico: Leaving for school, now. Hope I’ll get to see you, later.
It takes him the whole ride to school to decide that no surprise is worth having Ni thinking he doesn’t hold dear that 11th of October, that the day he felt an immediate and unprecedented connection to a nameless boy could ever be insignificant.
To Nico: Can’t wait for you to hear what I’ve got in store for tomorrow
As he expected, Nico doesn’t get back to him. It’s fine. He can wait.
*****************************
Alright: he might have overestimated his patience. He doesn’t know how much longer he can take, before he leaves no stone in Rome unturned while looking for Niccolò.
Thankfully, he’s got a plan to stick to. Sana’s. Who will most likely make him regret the day he was born, if he steps out of line. It’s not ideal, as it relies on too many factors – Nico having his phone on, reading his text messages, being in a place where he can listen to Radio Osvaldo – but it’s the best they’ve got.
“Well, thank you, Ivano… Sharing with us how it’s life with a bipolar disorder must have been hard, but I’m sure that many of our listeners found comfort listening to how you got your happy ending with Sax… To some of us things look so bleak we don’t even see the point of anything, but your story goes to show that it does get better, when you start building bridges instead of burning them. And Martino, you must be so proud of our special guest today. A woman who was brave enough to come and talk to all of us about she is dealing with her depression. Unfortunately she had to leave early, but thank Teresa on our behalf. We hoped to have a former student of this school to conclude this special feature on Mental Health Day, as they are dealing with one of the most stigmatized illnesses… Unfortunately they couldn’t join us. If you are listening, however, remember that we’re here for you. All of us.”
“I am. My mom truly is the best. Yeah, I can hear you all groan, but that’s a fact. It took me ages to see it, so maybe you should cut your parents some slack as well. Unless they’re abusive jerks, of course. And I couldn’t be prouder of that person you just mentioned as well. They keep on being strong, kind, and compassionate in a world that constantly tries to tear them down… They- ”
“Martino, if you keep on going like that you might just as well say their name.” Sana warns him, shooting him a reproachful glare. Too bad she can’t stop him. He just realized how he can make Nico understand he treasures every second they spend together. The best and the worst.
“They are who I want to spend my life with: Niccolò Fares, will you marry me?”
“YES!!” The door barges open, he’s swept off the seat and carried to the nearest secluded corner. What the fuck? He’s not complaining, but really: what the fuck has just happened?
*****************
They would later agree that the marriage is not going to happen for another couple of years, that a proper and more romantic proposal is order from them both… and Martino finds out that while he was busy with Sana, ‘contrabbandieri’ and ‘matte’ joined forces to delve into Nico’s past. So that they could call Niccolò’s old friends to the rescue. Together they managed to locate Nico and then Gio – of course it was him: the love wizard - and Michi talked some sense into him.
“So, tell me… What exactly have you got planned?” He sounds a bit hesitant, now that the euphoria of the impromptu proposal has worn off.
“I was thinking about a tutorial on how to grow weed in your closet. Followed by a cooking show hosted by the famous chef Niccolò Fares, a ten step guide to on how to break in a deserted pool, a top five on the most romantic spots in Rome… Can’t quite decide who’s gonna get the first place, the bins had their charm but so did the toilets…”
“… well, it can’t be a fair ranking until you’ve seen my favorite spot. Come on, Marti. Keats and Shelley are waiting for us!”
“Lead the way.”
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intermission-report · 4 years
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MENTAL HEALTH CHECK
lol i’ve been watching too many tik toks. you can totally ignore this, its just me venting...
so,,, where do i even begin? this is just gonna be a stream of consciousness kind of thing. it’s almost 2 am and i’m sad and tired so it may not even make sense. 
i feel like i’m in therapy again. i quit going like a year and a half ago bc my therapist sucked. i had been to two therapists in about two years and they just didn’t work for me so i stopped going. i also stopped taking my meds, which was not a wise choice bc thats what helped me stay somewhat sane. now i’m just raw dogging life
anyway... i was diagnosed with GAD + chronic depression + migraine disorder at 16 then OCD at 17 and social anxiety at 18 
my junior year of hs i completely fell off my metaphorical wagon. i was going to school once or twice a week and when i showed up i’d text my mom to pick me up early. i hated being there, i hated being anywhere. 
everyone was tired of my shit. my mom told me to stop faking blah blah blah so my grades went to shit... my junior year, i stopped caring about everything. i was in the top 10 of my class with a 3.4 gpa. by the end of the year, i was struggling to pass all of my classes and i pretty much had to repeat all of the core classes my senior year. 
idk what my friends thought of me not going to school. i suck at expressing/communicating my feelings so i didn’t really tell them what was going on and they never reached out. i told two of my friends about it and eventually they stopped talking to me. not sure why, exactly. regardless, once i graduated i knew i wouldn’t talk to any of them; i knew they weren’t permanent people in my life. i graduated almost 3 years ago and i haven’t spoken to those people since.
the downside is that they were the only people i spoke to outside of my family. that sounds sad, i know. but basically since i suck at socializing, i have no friends and i’m really lonely and it sucks. 
but i’ve made peace with it (sort of). idk what they’re up to bc a few months after graduating i deactivated/abandoned my social media accs. i had this tumblr since i was 14 or 15 and knew nobody from hs would find it (i just didn’t want anyone to know from me since i didn’t wanna know from them, its weird) so i started using it again. 
that kinda brings us to where i’m at now... i’m in community college (doing fairly well and looking to transfer to a uni soon), still v lonely and sad. basically, i’ve kinda been bottling up all my feelings but deep down i’m extremely unhappy. like obviously i’m aware of how i feel, but everyone around me thinks i’m fine and that i miraculously got better and pulled myself out of a bad spot when that’s not the case. 
i’m so aware of my mental health/illnesses, but i can’t control any of it. its v frustrating to say the least (but not really bc have you seen how long this post is? also i’m trying to cope w humor even though i’m not that funny)
so yeah... i was listening to/watching the basement yard podcast and when they posted the episode with mika is when i discovered hockey and hockeyblr. hockey was what was helping me keep it under control since it was a distraction. it made me really happy. 
lately, i’ve felt myself distancing myself from it. i really like it, but sometimes its too much and i feel like i kinda hate it. i don’t want it to be a phase but idk what’s making me not interested in it anymore. to be fair, i’m not really interested in anything atm. 
it all sounds so sad and depressing. i’m sick of it. i wanna be happy again and idk how to be. i’ve been thinking of focusing on myself for so long but i haven’t taken the initiative to do so. i just find ways to distract myself from everything. i wanna take a break from all of it and actually focus on me and getting better. 
that’s pretty much it... i kinda feel better. not sure if anyone is gonna read this or get this far. if you did, thanks. hope you’re doing a lot better than i am.
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