Some post-cancer thoughts before the end of the year.
- My feet will just go numb. Like a moody teenager lover. Going to school and its all warm and I feel them THERE, but by lunchbreak they just go fishy cold and numb of any feeling. When will you talk to me again?
- The inside of my left palm starts itching with great depth whenever I am at a concert(?). So if you see me in the crowd chewing zombielike on my left hand, it's a very good, but not perfect explanation for it. No, actually, it's quite a mystery.
- This is going to sound stupid but I think I have a limit for what I can eat. I don't know if its because my intestines has literally been shortened by half and I fit less food material in my gutted bowels but I feel it. If I have a hefty meal with appetiser, main and dessert I will start with sour burps that's trying to inform of my short and full guts. My silly shortened guts.
- Often people still come up to me with that overconsidered "how are you" and I have to fall back into the "they are not asking me how I am right now, but how is it to have recently been through cancer?" Well, it still majorly suck, but glad I am not dead. I still struggle with the overly sympathetic glances.
- Painful belly cramps does not have to mean that my cells are mobilising against me again. Or are they?
- Got all these scars to remind me of it all and a lepers tongue from having bits of it falling off. My body is a map of a cancer procedure and now ink makes more sense than ever.
- Always refering back to when I was sick. The sickness took so much time out of my actual life. Like the surgeon did my colon.
- I get terrified when watching movies and there's a hospital scene. Worse than any slasher horror scene.
- I think the chemo gave me arthritis as well (yet to be confirmed). I tried to cut some bread the other day, but I failed and I started crying. What ailments will I suffer from when I am older? When I already got a great head start. Maybe some cool sci-fi ones will get triggered. Like a alien worm infestation that makes me chronically dance until I die.
- Now my life are marked by 6 months, because that's when I have check ups.
It is going too fast. I feel embarrassed, because its getting closer to 2 years since I got diagnosed but I still feel so vulnerable and scared everytime I get the appointment. I learned from last CT scan that I have a lot of traumas that are out of my control.
Everyone is being too considerate and not nearly considerate enough.
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Celebrating that my blog is back up by posting shots from my commission from The National Stage (Den Nasjonale Scene). This is from a play called The Employees based on a book by Olga Ravn.
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