i've written
to many love letters
to you
and not enough
to myself
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Every woman I have ever loved is still working out how to love herself. Has a closetful of ghosts and has been to a hundred funerals of the women she used to be. Wonders what wounds her mother carries that she will never know about. Hopes that the weight of the world doesn't eventually crush her, that she is strong enough to handle it all. Wishes a day will come when she can put it all down, give her aching shoulders a rest. Wants someone to truly see her and not make a feast of her kindness and dreams. Is forever hiding a secret hunger for what calls to her in the dark. Holds a universe inside her, but has been told to make herself smaller despite the paradox. Praise be that universes are not in the business of listening to anyone but themselves. Every woman I have loved has thought about it. The art of disappearing. To be here one day, and the next, like smoke, simply gone.
- Nikita Gill, Every Woman I Have Ever Loved
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Middle Earth Asks
🥔 po-tay-toes: one of the hobbits invited you for a meal; who are dining with? Which of the seven meals are you enjoying?
🍞 lembas bread: what's the best road trip snack?
🌾farmer maggot's field: what is your favourite plant? Do you enjoying gardening?
🌼 simbelmynë: You've got the opportunity to bring one character back to life, who is it?
🍃 leaves of lórien: what gift would you most like to receive?
📽 action!: rank all six of the films (or three if you're a hater)
🚲 bicycle basket: what is your favourite middle earth meme?
🌟starlight: you're allowed to live in one of the Elf Kingdoms of Middle Earth, which one are you picking?
💀 Hey, did you know-: What is your favourite piece of behind the scenes trivia?
🌙 moon runes: which of Tolkien's languages would you most like to speak?
🧂 best salt in all the shire: which small joys do you most look forward to? (particular tea, using a perfume, rereading a book, etc.)
✂ cutting room floor: of all of the things that didn't quite make it into the movies, what would you have most liked to see?
☕ may I tempt you with a cup of chamomile?: What is your favourite hot beverage?
🐎 bill the pony: who is the best mount in all of middle earth?
🌳 fangorn forest: Which of Tolkien's creechurs is your favourite?
🔮 palantír: you've found a palantir! Who are you hitting up in middle earth? What are you telling them?
⏳ time and age: which poorly aged scene from LOTR is your favourite?
✨ evenstar: Who is your favourite middle earth couple?
🎆 fireworks: you're invited to Bilbo's 111th, what present do you think you'd receive?
🕷 creepy crawlies: which of tolkien's creatures do you think is the most frightening?
💍 my precious: what role do you think you'd play in the fate of the ring?
📜the company of Throin II Oakenshield: who is your favourite dwarf from the company?
🕶 i care not: what common complaint about the movies or novels doesn't bother you?
📢 motivational speech: which film speech do you find most invigorating?
🔥 barbecue: who is the worst antagonist?
🍿 popcorn: list your top 5 supporting characters
🎇 firefly: which (known) deleted scene would you most like to see?
⛏ expedition to Moria: which side character's adventures would you watch a spin-off movie about?
🎞 extra film: is there an extended scene that should have absolutely made it into the theatrical cut? which one and why?
🎵 can you sing, master hobbit?: Which song (from books or movies) is your favourite?
🖋 quill and ink: which of tolkien's themes resonates most strongly with you?
🗝 lost heirloom: which heirloom/object in the films or novels would you like to learn more about?
💿 leitmotifs and orchestras: which of the films songs (Howard Shore or singer) is your favourite?
🍲eowyn's home cooking: which other way could the ring be destroyed? (funny answers only)
🧙♂️precisely when he means to: what is your favourite gandalf moment?
⚔ you have my sword: what is your favourite aragorn moment?
🏹 and my bow: what is your favourite legolas moment?
🪓and my axe: what is your favourite gimli moment?
🍄 MUSHROOMS!: what is your favourite moment from the hobbits?
💎 the arkenstone: favourite Thorin and/or company moment?
🧵 spool: list your top five favourite costumes from any of the films.
📕 the red book of westmarch : what is your favourite quote(s)?
💛 family: what is your favourite family moment throughout the novels/films?
👀 the eye of sauron: who are you looking at disrespectfully?
🗺 arda: if you could travel anywhere in middle earth, where would you go?
👑the silver crown: the war is won, the world is saved, the king has been crowned. Who are you partying with at the coronation?
✏ rewrites: here's a pencil, which ONE thing in the novels/films are you changing?
🐺 GROND GROND GROND: which of the battles is your favourite to watch? is there a combat scene in particular that you enjoy?
⚠ fucking buckleberry ferry: from the clip of Dom and Billy discussing the one swear word they could theoretically get by censors, which line would you change?
📚 boxset: how were you first introduced to Middle Earth?
🏔 the misty mountains: the pass is treacherous, which two characters are you taking with you to make it over the mountains?
🌄 the rolling hills of the shire: what is your favourite outdoor activity?
🌋 mount doom: what middle earth take are you throwing into the fire?
⚙ technology: everything is exactly the same but you can give one character a modern invention. Who is it and what are you giving them?
⛵valinor: we're approaching the end of this game, is there a take/opinion you absolutely want to share?
🦅 the eagles: What thing or thought saves the day when it's not going so well?
🦗 weta: you're allowed to take one prop (or the canon useful version) home with you from the set, what are you taking?
☀ when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer: either share a piece of good news or something you're looking forward to.
📖 final chapter: what unanswered questions do you have middle earth?
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I just love how if there was no enemy these fellas just go explore apparently
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Listening to Epic again and I'm just now catching how the verses in "Survive" are the exact same cadence and notes as Zeus' lines in "The Horse and the Infant" and HOOOOO BOYYYYYY DO I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT THIS
Cuz at its core, it's the exact same fight! It's a battle he's not completely ready to fight! He's a warrior and fully believes he's ready for it, but this is "a foe who won't run, unlike anyone [he has] faced before"; there is something lurking under the surface that he hasn't anticipated and isn't ready to accept, and he's not prepared to pay the price of victory. And yet he has to pay that price ("the blood on your hands is something you won't lose - all you can choose is whose"), and it completely changes him as a person and drives his character arc for the rest of the story. JORGE YOU ABSOLUTE MADLAD GENIUS.
WHICH IS ALSO deliberately echoed in the lyric "six hundred lives at stake; it's just one life to take, and when we kill him then our journey's over" - referring both to Polyphemus and Astyanax! Because Odysseus and by extension his crew really think that they can fight this one battle and be done with it!!! God!!!!!
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It’s been 7 years since Civil War and I still mourn for the Bucky Barnes story we should’ve gotten.
I mourn for how quickly they showed him integrated back into society after CATWS. One moment he’s almost killing his best friend... and the next moment he’s living on his own and seems just fine. Sure, he’s a little quiet and awkward and sad, but he’s mostly pretty normal. Outside of the first half of Civil War, there’s very little evidence at all that would lead anyone to believe Bucky used to be the world’s most feared assassin, who was trained and molded into the perfect weapon through unimaginable pain and psychological manipulation. This man spent the better part of his life as a ruthless, mindless killing machine programmed to do nothing more than follow orders. You don’t just walk away from that without being fundamentally and irreversibly psychologically altered. Even the removal of the trigger words wouldn’t change that.
To clarify, I’m not talking about his lingering feelings of guilt and sadness. I think Seb has done a great job with getting that part across at least. I’m talking about his behavior. About way he interacts with other people and how he handles situations. He doesn’t act like a formerly-brainwashed ex-assassin who was treated as less than human for literal decades and who, by all accounts, should have the most severe form of PTSD known to man.
I just don’t buy the Bucky we see post-CATWS and particularly post-Civil-War. I don’t buy that Bucky would be joking around and flirting and basically acting like Just Some Guy – a grumpy guy but still Just Some Guy – and his recent haircut sure isn’t helping the situation either. That he wouldn’t always be a little bit on edge, a little bit animal (kinda like the way we see him at the beginning of Civil War but then never again). That being in the heat of battle wouldn’t sometimes make him either shut down or completely snap and go into a violent fugue state where he subconsciously reverts back to the brutally efficient methods of the Winter Soldier (we almost got this in TFATWS but they couldn’t commit).
Now maybe he received some absolutely incredible therapy in Wakanda. Maybe it worked wonders on him! The problem is I don’t buy it because I never saw it. I never got to see him struggle to learn how to be a person again. I never got to see him fight back against the thing Hydra turned him into.
It just sucks because I love everything about the concept of Bucky and the Winter Soldier, but the parts they’ve chosen not to show or address are, in my opinion, the most interesting parts of his character. But more than that, the lack of follow through and disconnect between what he was and who he seems to be now makes it really hard for me to see him as a fully-realized person in canon. It’s like my brain registers perfectly who he was in CATFA/CATWS and even kinda sorta now in TFATWS, but there’s this giant chasm in between them that mentally feels like fuzzy static.
How long did it take him to fully shake off the brainwashing and conditioning? When did he start thinking of himself as a human being with agency again? Did he ever have to fight the desire to return to Hydra, the only thing he’s known for 70 years, or was it an easy choice? How long did it take him to start recovering his memories? Has he recovered all of them? Does he now remember everything that happened before and during his time at Hydra? How long did it take him to stop flinching at every sound and expecting Hydra to track him down? How long did it take him to relearn how to interact with people like a normal person? How did he afford food and shelter between CATWS and CACW? How and why did he end up in Romania? Did he travel there immediately after CATWS or did he live somewhere else first? Did he get actual therapy in Wakanda or did they just work their science-magic to remove the trigger words and send him on his way? Is the the soldier still in there? Does he still have to consciously stop himself from using deadly force every time he’s in a fight? Is that why he deliberately avoids carrying any weapons now?
I have so many questions.
Fortunately we have fic and fanon to help fill the void but we shouldn’t have to. Bucky Barnes is one of the most interesting and unique characters to ever exist. There’s so much good stuff to dig into here and it’s been wasted.
They squandered the original opportunity to explore this part of his character when they turned Cap 3 into an Iron Man film, a decision I will forever be mad about (fuck you RDJ/Tony for stealing Bucky’s movie), but they finally had the perfect chance to make up for that with TFATWS! Bucky was getting his own show (6 hours of content!), and with it, plenty of time to really dig into his psyche and lingering trauma! I had hoped to see him relapsing a bit and falling into old patterns. Or maybe being triggered by something and having a panic attack. Or even just talking about his time in Hydra and how it felt to be used like that and his struggles to regain his humanity afterwards (instead they fucking gave Hawkeye the emotional “I was a weapon” speech that Bucky rightfully deserved). But other than that opening nightmare, a few brief teasing lines from Zemo about the solider still being in there (which was never followed through on), and the shittiest excuse for “therapy” I’ve ever seen, we really got nothing.
From everything they’ve shown us, and particularly from the ending of TFATWS, it’s clear Marvel believes Bucky has already “healed” and there’s little left to discuss or explore and it makes me incredibly sad.
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yes im a transsexual, im trans and im sexual
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i’m in gerard way’s hotel room with bruised ribs a pronounced limp ears ringing mouth dry legs completely destroyed. all the lobby hears before the ceiling fucking caves in from pelvic velocity alone is ‘baby i’ll show you what it was like being in the riot fest pit x’
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squints suspiciously at the next event's silhouettes
devs, if that really is yakumo...
DON't make me tap the sign.....😒..........
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let me kiss
the moonlight
off your lips
and be born
again
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Have you ever felt like you are the quiet ghost everyone can see but chooses to look through. Like your body is there, just transparent, you speak but no one hears you, not really. The act of disappearing is not so hard truly. You can do it even in a room surrounded by people who love you. Just pretend you aren’t there, and everyone around you will pretend you have vanished too.
- Nikita Gill
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Internet today 🔥🔥🔥
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I mean… yeah? i guess?!?
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So I originally wrote this back in August when this release was fresh and then!!! APPARENTLY!!! just COMPLETELY forgot to post it!! so you get it now, three months late.
-
Some of the dialogue from the Guardian Tower has been living rent free in my head and now I want to yell about it because it’s SO GOOD for background lore
Okay, so, on the first floor, Mindi tells us this:
I really like this because it helps illustrate one of the logistical problems of the Rose. Like, even if you took away everything else that makes them bad (which, admittedly, is most of the organisation and its purpose), the fact that they tend to, by default, present themselves as the only option and drive out competition is bad. On paper, a force of people trained in combat against magical threats, with reasonably easy access to that training, which has garrisons stationed across the land, is actually a pretty good solution to the whole Recurring Evil Magical Threats thing. We know this because the guardians and the paladins and the dragonslayers exist! They do this! The Rose seems to make membership easier to access but, frankly, I suspect that is in part because their training is less thorough.
And when the Rose show up and drive those other groups out (like they’ve done with the Guardians), they don’t actually improve anything. Best case scenario, everything is exactly the way it was before. More likely, things would get worse, because the people with active experience defending a particular area have been driven away and now the Rose members have to play catch-up
(A good example of how on paper a group like the Rose could help an area is Book 3 Amityvale. The local Guardians were long gone, so the Rose were able to help without doing that extra damage and made Amityvale a safer place to live....... but that’s specifically for the human inhabitants. Plus, we know they’re affecting the magic of the area - Amaris’s moon has started having phases - and that’s! probably not good! Also see: Raven having to flee for her own safety after getting bitten by a werewolf. Even where they are ostensibly doing the most good, the Rose are still an active danger to many, even their own in the wrong circumstances)
And, meanwhile, on the ground floor...
......further proof that the Rose actively try to drive competition out of the area. Falconreach has repeatedly made it clear that they want nothing to do with the Rose and they keep picking fights with the patrols.
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Patchwork Hearts
There is a piece of me on Simcoe
And a piece of me in town
A piece of me in the hospital boilerroom
Trying to work without burning down
A piece of me in the country
Reading under the trees
A piece of me on the internet
Seeding thunder in other's dreams
A piece of me in the rusted halls
That reek of iron and blood
The same piece that answers the call
Come the trouble or the flood
The delayed decay of mourning
Keeps hostages of a few
Of the pieces that belong to me
That should belong to you
Pieces bloom or die, but a sum sings to a man
Their stitches ripped, misfits get shipped
Or fed to the flash in the pan
Like the first bacon surrendered to cook the rest
The homework we do before the test
The peace ripped from my chest
Bred the warmth in my breast
That paved room for
"I have a few spots left"
For you its not empty space
Some grew back and some grew grace
Some grew new stitches in their place
I have the ones of yours
I feed and water them with the cat
I make them do their chores
I help them grow and make sure that
They go right next to mine
And sing in kind when overjoyed or bored
A patchwork heart is fine
Compared to a heart thats been ignored
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