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omniversalobservations · 6 years

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Santa's Toy Monster Attacks (2011)

Merry Christmas, DA!

For my 2011 Christmas Card, I decided to go with a design involving Santa Claus sicking his toy monster on a naughty kid.

This piece was by far this most ambitious piece I've ever done. I looked back and saw that I posted my first draft of this piece in my DeviantArt scrapbook on June 29th, and I've just completed it finally on November 12th... Dang.

I am really proud of this piece, and I'd love to hear your thoughts.

You can also view a progress video to see how this piece came together over on you tube: [link]

Thanks To: -- A Blanket of Snow by ~midnightstouchSTOCK (reference) -- frecklebrush by ~Dojang (PS freckle paintbrush) -- SNOW PS7 Brushes and IMG Pack by ~KeepWaiting (PS snow flake paintbrush) -- THe Valley of Childhood Toys by ~MGrigsbyArt (toy ideas... check this out. similar idea and AWESOME execution)

On the subject of the toys, after hours and HOURS of googling, wracking my brain, and soliciting ideas from friends and family I've incorporated the following 200 toys to make up Stanta's toy monster... Enjoy!

1. Adam Bomb (Garbage Pail Kid) 2. Aladdin (Disney) 3. Alf (Alf) 4. All-Star Snork (The Snorks) 5. Ang (Avatar) 6. Animal (Muppets) 7. Ariel (The Little Mermaid) 8. Atari Joystick (Atari) 9. Barbie (Mattel) 10. Barbie Dream Car (Mattel) 11. Bart Simsons (The Simpsons) 12. Baseball 13. Basketball 14. Batman (Batman: Animated Series) 15. Batmobile (Super Power Collection) 16. Battlecat (He-Man) 17. Beach Ball 18. Bebop (Ninja Turtles) 19. Bernie Kosar (Starting Line-Up) 20. Bert (Sesame Street) 21. Big Wheel Bike 22. Biker Scout (Return of the Jedi) 23. Brak (Space Ghost) 24. Bucky O'Haire (Bucky O'Haire) 25. Bumblelion (Wuzzles) 26. ButterCup (Powerpuff Girls) 27. Buzz Lightyear (Toy Story) 28. Cabage Patch Kid 29. Captain Planet (Captain Planet) 30. Castle Greyskull (He-Man) 31. Catwoman (Batman: Animated Series) 32. Cera (The Land Before Time) 33. Chatter Phone (Fisher Price) 34. Cheer Bear (The Care Bears) 35. Chip (Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers) 36. Cobra Commander (G.I. Joe) 37. Cookie Monster (Sesame Street) 38. Cooties (Milton Bradley Game) 39. Copper Kid (Silver Hawks) 40. Cowboy Boot 41. Cozy Coupe (Little Tikes) 42. Dale (Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers) 43. Donatello (Teenage Mutant Nija Turtles) 44. Doozer (Fraggle Rock) 45. Dr Zaius Bank (The Planet Of the Apes) 46. Dr. Zoidberg (Futurama) 47. Droll, the Bogglin (Bogglins) 48. Dump Truck (Tonka) 49. Edith (My dog) 50. Ernie (Sesame Street) 51. ET (ET: The Extra-Terrestrial) 52. Etch-A-Sketch (Ohio Art Company) 53. Figment (Disney's Epcot) 54. Foot Soldier (Ninja Turtles) 55. Gak (Nickelodean Toys) 56. Game Boy (Nintendo) 57. Gamorian Guard (Return of the Jedi) 58. Gargamel (Smurfs) 59. Genie (Aladdin) 60. Gizmo (Gremlins) 61. Glo Worm (Glo Worms) 62. Godzilla (Godzilla) 63. Great Garloo (Marx Toys) 64. Green 'Erin' Bear (Beanie Baby) 65. Gumbie (Gumbie) 66. Harry Potter Book (J.K Rowling) 67. He-Man (He-Man) 68 He-Man's Power Sword (He-Man) 69. Hello Kitty (Sanrio) 70. Huey, Dewey, & Louie (Duck Tales) 71. Hulk Hogan (WWF Wrestling Buddies) 72. Hypnotaod (Futurama) 73. Iron Giant (The Iron Giant) 74. Jabba the Hutt (Return of the Jedi) 75. Jack Skelington (Nightmare Before X-mas) 76. Jack-In-A-Box 77. Jem (Jem & the Holograms) 78. Kermit (Muppets) 79. Kermit With Stocking Ornament (Muppets) 80. Krang (Ninja Turtles) 81. Lady Lovely Locks (Lady Lovely Locks) 82. Laser Tag Gun & Chest Sensor 83. Leg Lamp (Christmas Story) 84. Lite Brite (Hasbro) 85. Little Foot (The Land Before Time) 86. Little Miss Sunshine (Roger Hargreaves) 87. Lots-O'-Huggin' Bear (Toy Story 3) 88. Magic 8-Ball (Alabe Crafts Company) 89. Max (Where the Wild Things Are) 90. Millennium Falcon (Star Wars) 91. Micky Mouse (Disney) 92. Milton (Milton Bradley's Electronic Game) 93. Mojo Jojo (Powerpuff Girls) 94. Mr. Bill (SNL) 95. Mr. Bucket (Hasbro Game) 96. Mr. Potato Head (Hasbro) 97. Mr. T (The A Team) 98. Mumm-Ra (ThunderCats) 99. My Buddy Doll (Hasbro) 100. My Little Pony (My Little Pony Tails) 101. My Pet Monster (American Greetings) 102. Nerf Turbo Football (Nerf) 103. Nerf Vortex Football (Nerf) 104. Niddler (Pirates of Dark Waters) 105. NES (Nintendo) 106. Operation (Milton Bradley Game) 107. Optimus Prime (Transformers) 108. Orange 'Puzzle' Popple (The Popples) 109. Orcko (He-Man) 110. Paddington Bear Doll (Michael Bond) 111. Panthro (ThunderCats) 112. PeeWee Herman (PeeWee's Play House) 113. Peter Rabbit Doll (Beatrix Potter) 114. Pikachu (Pokémon) 115. Pink 'Pinky' Flamingo (Beanie Baby) 116. Pizza Planet Alien (Toy Story) 117. Play-Doh (Hasbro) 118. Poké Ball (Pokémon) 119. Polka-Dot Elephant (Rudolph Claymation) 120. Pound Puppy (The Pound Puppy) 121. Pull-a-Tune Xylophone (Fisher Price) 122. R2-D2 (Star Wars) 123. Rafiki (Lion King) 124. Raggedy Ann Doll (Johnny Gruelle) 125. Rainbow Brite (Hallmark Card Company) 126. Rancore (Return of the Jedi) 127. Raphael (Ninja Turtles) 128. Red (Fraggle Rock) 129. Red Ranger (The Power Rangers) 130. Red Rider BB Gun (Christmas Story) 131. Red Wagon (Fisher Price) 132. Ren (Pirates of Dark Water) 133. RoboCop Action Figure (RoboCop) 134. Robot 2000 (Millennium) 135. Rocking Horse 136. Rollar Blade 137. Rollar Skate 138. Rub-a-Dub Doggie (Ideal Toy Company) 139. Rubber Ducky (Sesame Street) 140. Rubber Shark (Safari) 141. Rubix Cube (Ideal Toy Company) 142. Sally (Nightmare Before X-mas) 143. ScrappyDoo (ScoobyDoo) 144. Sega Genesis Controller (Sega) 145. Seven Mystic Dragonballs (Dragonball Z) 146. She-Ra (She-Ra: Princess of Power) 147. Shredder (Ninja Turtles) 148. Simon (Milton Bradley) 149. Sister Bear (The Berenstain Bears) 150. Skeletor (He-Man) 151. Skip-It (Tiger Electronics) 152. Slimmer (The Real Ghostbusters) 153. Slobulus (Madballs) 154. Smurf (The Smurfs) 155. Snake Mountain (He-Man) 156. Snarf (ThunderCats) 157. Snoopy (Peanuts) 158. Snuggle-Soft Bear (Snuggle) 159. Soccor Ball 160. Sock Monkey 161. Sprite (Rainbow Brite) 162. Stacking Rings (Fisher Price) 163. Stay-Puft MarshmallowMan (Ghostbusters) 164. Stimpy (Ren & Stimpy) 165. Strawberry Shortcake (Hasbro) 166. Stretch Armstrong (Kenner) 167. Stuffed Wizard Doll (Delta Force) 168. Super Mario Bros. (NES) 169. Super Soaker 50 (Hasbro) 170. Superman (Superman: Animated Series) 171. T-Rex (Jurassic Park) 172. Talkboy (Home Alone 2: Lost In New York) 173. Tazmanian Devil (Looney Tunes) 174. Teddy Ruxpin (Worlds of Wonder) 175. The Giving Tree (Shel Silverstein) 176. The Great Gonzo (Muppets) 177. Tickle Me Elmo (Sesame Street) 178. Toy Train (Hasbro) 179. Tricycle (Radio Flyer) 180. Troll Doll (Russ Toys) 181. Trunks (Dragonball Z) 182. Turtle Van (Ninja Turtles) 183. Twister Game-Spinner (Hasbro) 184. Two Alphabet Blocks 185. Ursula (The Little Mermaid) 186. Vampire Teddy (Nightmare Before X-mas) 187. Vegeta (Dragonball Z) 188. View Master 3D (Ideal Toy Company) 189. WALL.E (WALL.E) 190. Where the Sidewalk Ends (Shel Silverstein) 191. Wicket the Ewok (Return of the Jedi) 192. Wild Thing (Where the Wild Things Are) 193. Winnie-the-Pooh Doll (A. A. Milne) 194. Wolverine (X-men) 195. Woody (Toy Story) 196. Wooly Willy (Smethport Specialty Co.) 197. Yoda (Empire Strikes Back) 198. Zapper (Nintendo Gun) 199. Zero (Nightmare Before X-mas) 200. Zibbe Owl (Zibbes)

(Waldo is not included... Don't look for him)

Source: DeviantArt

#unofficial #Santa Claus #Star Wars #Stretch Armstrong #The Land Before Time #Popples #Sesame Street #Superman #Ren and Stimpy #Snuggle #Taz #Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer #Catwoman #Barbie #Muppets #Masters of the Universe #Bucky O'Hare #Last Airbender #Toy Story #Where the Wild Things Are #Strawberry Shortcake #Wall-E #Figment the Dragon #Futurama #Nightmare Before Christmas #Ghostbusters #ThunderCats #Hello Kitty #E.T. #Jem #Planet of the Apes #Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #Transformers #Peanuts #Chip 'n Dale #Raggedy Ann and Andy #Dragon Ball #Pokemon #My Buddy #Power Rangers #ALF #Peter Rabbit #Boglins #Batman #Space Ghost #WWF #Mickey Mouse #Huey, Dewey and Louie #Fraggle Rock #Iron Giant #Cabbage Patch Kids #A Christmas Story #Jurassic Park #Gremlins #Rainbow Brite #Mr. Potato Head #My Pet Monster #Winnie the Pooh #Madballs #PowerPuff Girls #Simpsons #Godzilla #Lady Lovely Locks #The Lion King #GI Joe #Scooby Doo #Captain Planet #Pound Puppies #Paddington Bear #Care Bears #Robocop #Wolverine #The Berenstain Bears #Snorks #Teddy Ruxpin #Troll Dolls #My Little Pony #Mr. Men and Little Miss #Glo Worm #Gumby #Mr. Bill #SilverHawks #Pee-wee's Playhouse #Aladdin #The Wuzzles #Little Mermaid #The A-Team #Mr. Bucket #The Pirates of Dark Water #The Great Garloo

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qirahsoka · 7 years

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WHY YODA IS ARGUABLY THE BIGGEST BITCH IN STAR WARS

When someone says the words, “Star Wars,” typically, the first things to pop into one’s mind go something along the lines of laser swords, space monks, cool ships, and Yoda. Yes, Yoda, he’s that archetypal oracle on the mount; a tiny but incredibly powerful space wizard. Kind of like Dumbledore or Gandalf, just much shorter and green.

Being one of the most iconic characters of the original trilogy, the alien has gained a mass following over time. His famous pearls of wisdom and goofy yet simultaneously stoic have captured the hearts of middle-aged men all over the world that his fan base has become something akin to a cult. Seriously, just look around. His face is plastered over merchandise and his name irrevocably branded to the Star Wars franchise. He is everywhere.

But why? Why has this little green goblin become such an iconic Star Wars character? Many old OT fanboys would tell you he was the heart and soul of a millennium of light side force instruction for the Jedi, embodying what it truly meant to be a force for good. They’d say he was a wise go-to source for acquiring knowledge, a humble and kind know-it-all who could solve almost every problem in the galaxy with his powerful insight and wisdom.

Ironic, since his so called “wisdom” is the cause of almost every problem in the Star Wars universe.

PART I: I’M NOT A BAD PERSON, I SWEAR! BUT HERE, LET ME JUST ENCOURAGE SLAVERY

Let’s take our minds back, all the way back to the Phantom Menace. Ah, yes, the dreaded Episode I of the prequel trilogy. Where we’re introduced to little Ani, the pint-sized version and frankly, just as bold, of Darth Dad. So, Master Qui-Gon, being a complete darling, swoops Anakin under his wing and whisks him away to Coruscant after learning of his intensely powerful force sensitivity. Here Anakin undergoes a test in the Jedi Council room to determine whether or not this supposed “Chosen One” is who he appears to be. So here’s Anakin, a tiny-nine-year old boy, a former slave who was just abruptly taken from his mother and the only life he’s ever known, on a completely new planet surrounded by a circle of strangers.

And Yoda, being the toad he is, has the audacity to tell him he is too full of fear to be a Jedi. Well, thank you for pointing out the obvious, oh mighty Grandmaster. No shit, of course this little boy is going to be fearful. He’s in a completely new world, halfway across the galaxy from his home planet, without the only person he’s ever trusted and loved, his mother, and he’s unsure he’s ever going to see her again. He’s been planted into the middle of a ring of some of the most powerful beings in the galaxy and, to be completely honest, it kind of looks like he’s being offered as some kind of sacrifice to a cult of magic space people. Yet Yoda, who is supposed to be the embodiment of compassion, cannot find it in his heart to let the boy down gently. He is hypocritical, claiming Anakin’s intense inner fear is the reason of his failure, but in actual reality, it is Yoda who is scared of a little boy. So, instead he turns him away and plans to send him back to his mother and resume a life of slavery.

That’s right. The Grandmaster of the Jedi Order sending a kid back to be a slave. Wonderful.

Yoda has had quite the run with slavery. He’s basically the head guy of the Jedi, who are the peacekeepers of the galaxy and deliverers of justice. So why was justice not given to the trillions of slaves in the outer rim? Before the war, the Jedi had more than enough resources to rid planets of slavery, and with the aid of the Republic, the Outer Rim’s slaves could have been freed in a matter of years. But no, Yoda deemed them unimportant to their cause and had no intention to help them. So it’s no surprise that no further actions were taken to free Shmi or the many other slaves in the galaxy, not after Yoda considered sending her child back to chains. Evidently, his sense of justice and compassion has become majorly distorted over the years.

PART II: THAT TIME SHIT WENT DOWN WITH AHSOKA

Speaking of justice, let’s jump 12 or so years into the future and take a look at some of the events during the Clone War, as shown through the eyes of The Clone Wars animated TV series. This cartoon introduced us to a multitude of new and incredibly complex characters, such as Captain Rex, Fives, and most importantly, Ahsoka Tano. Her character was introduced as a brash and smart-mouthed girl, one whose snippiness earned her her name and whose recklessness could rival that of her Master’s. Over time, the character who audiences initially despised grew and flourished under Anakin’s tutelage and she developed into one of the most beloved and important Star Wars characters, so much so she has earned her own novel and reappearances and references in other media such as books, comics, and even TV shows.

It was early into the war where we were introduced to the spunky young padawan. It is revealed that Anakin did not choose her to be his student, which has been typical Jedi protocol for thousands of years. Instead, she had been assigned to him, much like Anakin was to Obi-Wan. Yoda, typically, was behind this unorthodox pairing, claiming it would teach Anakin a lesson in attachment, seeing as the little green gremlin is so disapproving of Anakin’s compassion. Yoda explicitly states that the Council hopes that training a Padawan will help Anakin deal with attachments because the Padawan, eventually, must either a) move on or b) die.

So basically, Yoda just sent a 14-year-old girl into a warzone, a child soldier, to be Anakin’s student, so he can watch her die and then get over it. This little girl was literally sent to Anakin so he could, once again, become too attached to her, then he could watch her leave or die or whatever sick plan Yoda had concocted for her, and then get over it, all in the hopes that this would magically cure Anakin of being over attached. Oh, goody! What a completely fool proof plan this is, this will definitely cure Anakin of being a decent, loving human being! Absolutely nothing could go wrong! EXCEPT THAT IS DOES.

It’s about two years later when Ahsoka is framed for murder and treason against the Jedi and the Republic after the temple is bombed. She goes on the run in an attempt to prove her innocence, since Yoda commands the Jedi to hunt her down. She is brought in before the Jedi and is trialed before them to determine her innocence or guilt. It is quite obvious the Jedi know she is innocent; she has served in the war dutifully for years and has made many friends among the council. But here comes good ol’ Tarkin, telling Yoda and the council that they have to expel her from the order so she can have a military tribunal, free of bias lies, deception). So of course, we expect the Jedi to tell Tarkin to stick his request further up his backside than that stick already in there, because why would they desert one of their own? Yoda would never throw one of his young students to the dogs at the slightest inconvenience, he would never abandon them in their time of need! Well, surprise plot twist! He does.

Knowing perfectly well that she is innocent, he exiles her from the order so the Republic can trial her. Just a side note, the Republic end up almost sentencing her to death, a minor, without sufficient evidence, which Yoda knew would happen. He doesn’t even give her a chance to properly argue their statement or explain why she ran from them, instead chalking her claims down to “her vision being clouded with the Dark Side.” Yeah, okay, that’s fine. Just condemn a teenage girl to death, why don’t you?

So anyways, Anakin ends up proving her innocence for her since Yoda made no move to defend her. Long story short, they end up offering to reinstate her position in the GAR and also offer her Knighthood because bribing people in an attempt to make them forget you wronged them is perfectly okay. Not only does he do this, but he never even apologises to her. No, “sorry, I know I basically condemned you to an execution even though you’ve served this order since you were three years old, I was completely wrong!” Just silence, while beside him, Mace wonderfully offers no condelences either for traumatising this girl and instead excuses their wrongs by saying it was actually her great trial. “Haha! Surprise, this was all just a big joke. You weren’t really gonna be killed, it was just your Knighthood trial! You’ve just been pranked by the prank patrol!”

So, Ahsoka, being the wonderful and smart girl she is, takes no shit from them and turns on her heel and leaves the order, consequently leaving Anakin. He’s pretty shattered, considering the girl he thinks of as a daughter just walked away from him and the only life she’s ever known. Here’s where the plan goes wrong: remember that oh-so-great plan Yoda had, the one where Ahsoka would leave and Anakin would get over it and cure his attachment issues? Yeah, no.

PART III: THINK I CAN’T CONDEMN THE ENTIRE GALAXY TO A REIGN OF EVIL? HOLD MY BEER!

Instead, this ordeal only pushes him further to the Dark Side, meaning Yoda’s plan has completely and utterly backfired. Didn’t exactly think that one through, did you, mate? Oh well, there’s still time to fix this, Yoda. Just tell Anakin that it’s okay to love and be attached to people, that it’s okay to be compassionate and caring, just as long as you don’t let attachments control you. This would’ve been some pretty good advice, some words Anakin desperately needed as he spiralled further towards the Dark Side. But no, as if Yoda hasn’t already learnt from his mistakes, he only makes them worse. Instead, when Anakin is almost at breaking point, he tells him, “Rejoice for those around us who transform into the Force. Mourn them, do not. Miss them, do not. Attachment leads to jealousy, the shadow of greed, that is." Anakin then questions what he must do, to which Yoda replies, "Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."

Okay, people. We realise that Yoda just told Anakin to let Padme die, right? Anakin came to him so he could have guidance from the damn Grandmaster of the Order, and Yoda simply tells him oh, yeah, sorry mate, save them? No can do. Just let them die. You’ll get over it, bro. I’m sorry, but, do you literally never learn? You, of all people, know just how attached this man gets, and yet you still think that letting the ones he loves die is a good idea? Okay. Whatever. You do you, boo boo. You just better hope this doesn’t have any dire consequences, such as, I don’t know, the creation of one of the most powerful Sith Lords ever, the death of the Jedi Order and the Empire.

Look, I know Palpatine is basically the mastermind behind everything. He manipulated Anakin from when he was a boy and turned the Republic against the Jedi. But, come on, you cannot look me in the eye and tell me that Yoda was completely innocent. It was his own fault, from his hypocrisy to his ignorance, that the Jedi fell. He and the Jedi were working for the Dark Lord of the Sith for years and had no idea. Completely oblivious. Like, eating lunch with him. Taking orders from him. Sending inter-office funny emails back and forth. Yet, somehow, Yoda still had the gall to accuse both Ahsoka and Anakin for their sense of clarity being clouded. Um, okay, take a look at yourself, sweetie.

He had no regard, at all, for upholding the Jedi values. It was entirely his fault that he allowed his students to fall because he was responsible for caring for them and ensuring they were trained properly. Hell, he couldn’t even keep his own student from falling, and that’s not even adding to the fact that Dooku later became one of the most powerful Sith lords ever. Yoda’s students-going-crazy track record goes to show how much his methods have failed; two out of five students from his lineage fell to the Dark Side and one left the order. Yeah, kinda goes to show how far acting like a too-good-for-anyone-of-a-lower-rank-than-me-which-is-everyone attitude gets you.

So at this point it’s pretty clear; we’ve established that Yoda is dumb as hell. But, with the Jedi fallen and evil taking control of the galaxy, and after two decades of exile, he must have had some time to reflect on what he’s done wrong, right? Wrong.

PART IV: YOU THINK I FUCKED YOU UP? WAIT ‘TIL I FUCK THE REST OF THE FAMILY UP

So here we are. It’s 19 BBY and Anakin has gone on a bloody killing spree. Palpatine’s claimed himself as the Emperor and the galaxy’s in turmoil. Meanwhile, Yoda’s waiting on the asteroid of Polis Massa in relative safety waiting patiently on Kenobi’s arrival. And then here comes Obi-Wan carrying a half-choked-to-death Padme Amidala into the operating room because Jesus Christ she’s giving birth. We all know how the story goes. Padme dies, leaving her two children in the hands of Bail, Obi-Wan and Yoda. Yoda, being the complete genius he is, offers to split the children up, which strategically isn’t a bad move. But I can guarantee you, if Padme was still alive and Anakin were there, together they would’ve bashed Yoda’s brains out. Splitting the two most important children in the galaxy up is completely dishonouring Padme’s wishes, and there is no way she would approve of that. Anakin simply would’ve gutted Yoda before he had the chance to finish.

So twenty something years go by, and Luke somehow makes his way to Yoda, who has spent the last two decades in exile. Classic Yoda, taking the coward’s way out. Ahsoka and Kannan, two of the last Jedi who escaped Order 66 decided not to be cowards and put their skills to good use, fighting in the rebellion. They didn’t hide; instead they knew they had military experience and could use their forces to do good in the galaxy and fight the Empire. Even Obi-Wan had a good reason for remaining in exile; he had to look over one of the most powerful force users and make sure he was kept safe. But Yoda, good old Yoda. He had literally no reason for being in exile, and instead of fighting, he cowered.

Anyways, Luke decides he wants a real Jedi to train him! Yay! It’s all fun and games ‘til we realise that Yoda has not learnt a single. Damn. Lesson. I kid you fucking not. This dude literally had 20 years to reflect on what could have possibly gone wrong with his mentoring so, when the opportunity arises again to teach, he wouldn’t fuck it up. But no.

Arguably Yoda’s biggest fuck up with Anakin was that, instead of teaching Anakin that it’s okay to have attachments and to love as long as you don’t let them control your actions, he taught him that attachments were evil and they were a direct link to the Dark Side. Not only is this completely false, but Yoda knew better than to say this to Anakin, of all people. The whole damn Order knew how attached Anakin became to people and honestly, he wasn’t even discrete about it. So why the hell would Yoda be encouraging Anakin to leave his friends behind for the greater good? It was because of this philosophy that had been constantly rammed into Skywalker’s head that he fell. Instead of helping Anakin acknowledge his emotions so he can deal with them in a healthy manner, Yoda tells him to just push them down, or “release them into the Force,” whatever the fuck that means. If Anakin had been taught to embrace his feelings instead of pushing them down to the point of explosion, he wouldn’t have fallen.

So, we’ve established that it was pretty much Yoda and the Jedi’s teachings that caused the galaxy to fall into a period of turmoil, even if it was indirect and unintentional. By this point, two decades on when Luke lands (or rather, crashes) onto Yoda’s doorstep, the piece of shit gargoyle should have figured out what went wrong with this teachings and how to fix it, like any good teacher would. Bitch, you thought.

Instead, Yoda does the exact same shit that got him there in the first place. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it, right?

I’ll give it to the little guy; he started out alright, even if his old philosophies make literally zero sense. “Do or do not, there is no try,” what the fuck, you can’t do something without trying to do it, that’s literally how you do something. That’s always pissed me off, but anyways. It’s when the events of Cloud City start rolling in is where the problem arises. Luke comes to Yoda, does a bit of training, etcetera. Yoda tells him to look deep into the force, where Luke then sees a vision of his friends in grave peril in Cloud City. He expresses these concerns to his little green mentor, telling him Leia and Han need him and he must go to save them.

Its at this point where Yoda goes, “Fuck it. Esketit, bitch.”

It’s legitimately like Yoda doesn’t even give a single fuck at this point. I mean, who cares your training fucked up this boy’s dad, let’s just do it all over again! So, much to Luke’s chagrin, Yoda tells him he must complete his training and stay. “You must not go,” he tells him, before lifting his ship and submerging it into the swamp water. Man, what a fucking dick move.

Guess he realised how shitty that was so he later takes the ship back out. Luke decides he’s had enough with this goblin-lookin’ ass and starts departing for Bespin. Once again Yoda, now with ghost Obi’s help, tries in a desperate final move to make Luke stay, telling him he must complete his training and that only a fully-fledged Jedi Knight will have a chance at defeating Vader. Luke says he doesn’t give a fuck, he just wants to save his friends, to which Yoda replies he must sacrifice them if Luke honours what they fight for. Luke’s pretty pissed by this and, in true Skywalker manner, disobeys the two Jedi and leaves anyways, and rightly so. If someone told me I had to let my friends die horrible deaths just so I can stay in some shitty swamp I’d pummel them.

That sounds rather familiar, actually. Yoda telling someone to leave his friends behind for the greater good. Oh, wait! That’s exactly what he said to Anakin before the poor dude fucked up the entire galaxy. But, of course, Yoda doesn’t give a flying fuck about that, now does he?

PART V: OTHER STUFF THAT PROVES HOW SHITTY HE IS

So, at this point we’ve pretty much analysed most of the dumb shit Yoda has pulled that we know of in canon, but there’s a heap more. If I were to go into depth with everything, this would become a 10,000 word essay real quick, so let’s just skim over some points:

· Yoda’s a damn big hypocrite. I know I’ve already stated this in one context, but here’s another; Yoda wants complete loyalty to the Jedi and their morals, but isn't loyalty a type of attachment? Yoda gets real upset when people don’t show complete and utter adherence to the Code. So, I’m honestly kind of confused; is he encouraging attachment or not?

· Here’s another context in which he’s a hypocritical bastard; in regards to age, he claimed Anakin was too old to be a Jedi at age nine. But according to this source, Yoda did not become a Jedi until he was an adult. And seeing as his species live for about nine hundred years, I’d say it’s pretty safe to assume he became a Jedi after at least one hundred years of living. So Yoda can shut the fuck up, thanks.

· Yoda is a homophobe. This statement is a pretty well-known fact around fandom, so I don’t really need to go into specifics here besides mentioning that he fucked over Ahsoka and Luke, both known gays, and beat Artoo with a stick, an iconic droid lesbian.

· Yoda was responsible for directly exploiting Obi-Wan’s naivety and lack of experience so he could be used as a mere tool. He knighted Obi-Wan at too young of an age and didn't let him grieve properly, sticking him with a former slave and hoping things would turn out just fine. Anakin had just been taken from his mother, and needed time to get used to being a (relatively, in a sense) free boy and Jedi protocol. Yoda repeatedly forced Obi into situations where he had to ignore his own good judgement and attachment to Anakin just so he could follow the Council’s orders.

So, in short, I think it’s pretty clear that we’ve noted Yoda is Star Wars’ biggest asshole.

@anti-yoda

#anti-yoda #anti yoda #i think ive made it pretty clear that id dropkick his ass across the outer rim #also this ended up being 3700 words HAHJAHAJ

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