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crymeariveronceagain · 2 years

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personal rant for personal reasons because im that kind of person, personally

hey, check tags before reading, my beloveds

so like, im excited about the new mcr music. I swear i am.

but holy frick if it doesn't give me flashes to the crappy friendships i had at age 15

like holy crap if i'm not constantly wondering what the friend who introduced me to MCR is thinking about this song

like holy fricking crap if i don't want to text him and ask him if he thinks it's any good

like holy crap.

for the first time since we stopped talking i want to talk to him again. I want to find him and ask him what he thinks. I want him to tell me all his opinions just like nothing had ever changed and I'm still a fricking baby who can't get over my best friends in the world hurting me in stupid ways that never mattered at all--

Like, I'm so excited about Foundations of Decay, and I really enjoyed the sound.

But the level at which I want to dig out that old contact I never blocked, but never texted again, and just ask him what he thinks is so strong.

I want to ask him if he liked it. If the sound was good. If he remembers when he sent me "Bulletproof Heart" after singing "Blood" at the top of his lungs, and spamming "I'm Not Okay" in group chats for as long as I can remember.

But if I ask him what he thinks.

He'll say other things.

Or maybe he won't.

But he'd want to. He'd have so many things to say that they would hang in silence like anvils above our heads, waiting for the cords to get pulled too tight and snap, crushing us both.

Why haven't you talked to me since 2021?

Because you weren't good for me, and you're still not.

Why are you only texting me now?

Because even though you were horrible to me, I want that friendship we once had.

Why didn't you text me sooner?

I didn't want to.

Like, I know this is all so specific and probably heartbreaking to read. But like, people are so shitty sometimes? Why do you want to go back to someone who fed you your ripped-out heart on a silver platter? Someone who stopped taking your side when you needed them most? Why do we want that? Why do we crave that?

Am I just an emotional masochist, or is everyone? Are we all just looking for the next person to hurt us, waiting for the next shoe to drop?

And the thing is, I wish I could say I knew he was struggling with it, too. I wish I could say he wanted to talk to me, too.

But he doesn't, and he won't. Know why? It's been nearly a year since he last spoke to me.

I lost his world and gained another.

But now, I think, watching people on the internet scream about a song that talks about everything he would have loved to talk about, everything he would have been overjoyed and a little haughty to explain to me, everything he would have shamed me over, judged me over, spoken down to me over. Everything he would have talked about with someone else before he ever came to talk to me. Everything he ever would have never wanted to talk with me about, anyways, until I dragged him into it--

He and I are on the same terms with each other. We always have been. We'd pick fights, try to one-up each other. I know what he's thinking like you'd know what your brother is thinking. Like someone who was your best friend for years is thinking.

And together, the two of us have decided.

We've made our choices for different reasons. We've put our ideas together separately in the same ways.

I know why he hurt me. He had a girlfriend who was jealous of any time he gave me, even though she denied it. And then a friend whose feelings mattered more than mine did, even though he was the one who broke my heart. And after all that, I was just the girl he came to talk to last. Everything he'd told me had already been told to someone else, so if there was slack in the friend group to be cut it was me.

But I know him.

I know how he operates.

And yeah.

We're not talking.

But stars. Do I want to.

He doesn't want to. He's still mad at me.

But I want to talk to him.

What would I even say, if I did?

"Hey, you broke my heart far worse than any lover ever broke it. But what do you think of Foundations of Decay?"

"Yo, you let people talk shit about me behind my back and said nothing, even though I'd have burned down the world for you, did you see that MCR dropped a new single?"

"So you know how you were complicit in ruining the only friendships I had? Forget about it for a second. What's going on with My Chemical Romance?"

"So, like. Remember all the things we left unsaid? Leave them unsaid even longer. Is Foundations of Decay any good?"

I'm a fool, and I'll readily admit it.

Maybe it was just seeing his picture, seeing his mom today.

Maybe it was just knowing that I'm going to see him next year, no matter what, run into him in the hallways, we're going to the same school.

Maybe it's just emotional masochism, and the need to make myself suffer even more for whatever tiny sins I've committed against him, whatever I've ruined in myself.

Maybe this is just me wanting back the peace found in destruction, the safety in the danger, the calm before the sickness, the thing that gives me anxiety to this day just trying to lord over me how small and little and weak I am.

Or maybe.

I just wish that the good things had stayed good, and that I still could call him my friend.

#tw crappy friends #tw shitty people #tw bad friendships #tw toxic friendship #tw toxic behavior #tw masochism reference #rant #personal #this was so personal wtf #tw rant #vent tw #mcr #hey! L! if you're reading this #you know who tf you are #and i'm not sorry about anything i said here #imma take a bow so you can kiss my ass <3 #tw anger #tw anxiety mention #tw RIVER'S! TRAGIC! BACKSTORY!!!!#not fandom content #dear stARS not fandom content #just a rant #just a vent

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