Tumgik
#wish i didnt have bpd bc fuck
synthetic-sonata · 10 months
Text
aagrhrhhtg i wish i could hang out with my friends i wish i could rp and i wish i could just be happy without having to go through 500 hoops that i don't wanna go thru !!!!!!!! i also wish people cared abt my ocs. like not a huge fanbase i'd rather die. but just i wish all my followers Cared abt my ocs and sent me questions ab them or whatever.
i just sort of need some kind of active captive audience that i like to be interested in my creations to give me a drive to create again bc otherwise i just draw and slap it in a storage server and dont post it cuz ik i'll get barely anything
1 note · View note
pikachu-is-gay · 1 year
Text
to all trans allies out there: did you hear that someone was trans, but they didnt tell you? don't fucking force them to come out! even if you think you're being nice, theres probably a reason they haven't come out to you yet. just be clear to them that you support them and let them do things on their own time.
i told a school counsellor in no uncertain terms that i did *not* wish to discuss my being queer with him. i felt this way bc ive learned with certain authorities (esp on psychological needs) as soon as i explain that im queer, all of my actual serious mental issues seem to vanish as they try to explain everything with "trauma from being gay in a homophobic household". a lot of my issues are trauma from homophobia, yes, but a lot of them are also trauma from being autistic, having adhd, having bpd, and having shitty parents in general. and yet, one day i went to speak with him and- "so i heard you're going by a different name?"
despite the fact that i made it very clear to him repeatedly that i did NOT WISH TO DISCUSS MY QUEER IDENTITY WITH HIM, he basically peer pressured me into coming out as trans to him. don't do this! even if its 'to be respectful'. just mention, clearly, that you support trans people, in a way that doesnt make the person feel like they have to come out bc you want them to.
1K notes · View notes
swiftfootedachilles · 2 months
Note
you wanted more asks, so I'm here to deliver!
-favorite gallavich canon scenes?
-what are some favorite headcanons for them that you have? missing scenes, what ifs, etc.
-favorite characters besides gallavich?
-storyline you would have liked to seen/favorite storyline that the show did well?
-favorite fic tropes that make you just go fuckin feral?
-five things you think needed to be fixed/changed/improved about the show? gallavich related or just in general, dealer's choice
😘😘😘
rubbing my greasy paws together getting ready to type out an essay
ummmm uh okay lemme think.... the s1 juvie scene (CLASSIC!!!), all their scenes working at the kash n grab together, mickey finding ian and taking him home, club kiss, like all of South Side Rules pre-sammi fucking everything up, dock scene, literally all of their s7 scenes tbh, prison reunion scene, "I WANNA BE WITH YOU" "you dont get to be," mickey wasting his break getting noodles in the food court for ian instead of making ian get his own lunch, fiance shenanigans, "i only make toast for husbands with jobs," STEALING THE AMBULANCE AND MICKEY GETTING SO TURNED ON THEY IMMEDIATELY HAVE TO FUCK AND MICKEYS KNEES BUCKLES WHEN IAN PUSHES HIM AGAINST THE AMBULANCE, coworker husband shenanigans, "youre such a fucking barbarian" "thank you☺️," being SOOOO cute at their anniversary party together. so honestly all of their scenes
i love all the deleted scenes i literally need the show editors to go to prison for what theyve done. i especially love the original scripts for the s5 deleted sex scene/ians dream and their s5 breakup. favorite headcanons are autistic!mickey, casual D/s dynamics, not-so-casual D/s dynamics, 🏳️‍⚧️trans gallavich🏳️‍⚧️, hobby artist!mickey, ian becoming the new vee of their neighborhood (ghetto nurse!ian), annoyingly clingy codependent!gallavich being gross in front of everyone, s6 canon divergence where mickey doesn't go to prison bc wtaf was that, s5 canon divergence with no breakup bc that literally made no sense
ummm i love liam hes the true golden child. mandy. uh ethel i would've LOVED to see more of, and the other milkovich siblings. sheila. karen was a REALLY complex character that never really got more than surface-level analysis from the show writers. debbie and her journey as a child obviously struggling with bpd. i do like carl turning his life around and kinda fulfilling many of the dreams ian had growing up. i kinda wish they did more with kev than just "haha kentucky appalachian guy is stupid" like that whole family reunion arc of his was so fucking weird and honestly embarrassing of the writers. also we..... never really learn about vee's family? theres a whole episode dedicated to meeting kevs stereotypical family, and vee gets.....becoming a believer in the american voting system??? and of course svetlana. missed opportunity after missed opportunity with her character - but hey at least they didnt kill her off like isidora wanted⁉️⁉️🥴
really really wish the writers gave a fuck about showing ian coming to terms with his trauma of being groomed and abused. he never learns that what he experienced was abuse. i feel like if caleb can call mickey abusive, then surely ian wouldve mentioned something about literally any other relationship hes had and caleb or trevor wouldve been neen like "uhhh you should see a therapist about that thats really super fucked up that you were victimized like that as a CHILD"
ohhhh the fic tropes. my #1 is always bdsm i am a bdsm gallavich truther until i DIE!!!! um i like canon divergence fics (sometimes). domestic fics. post-s11 married life. learning to grow together as a couple after being off-and-on for like a decade, autistic!mickey!!!! trans!mickey and t4t gallavich!!!! aus where ian and mickey are actually dating starting s1-3 and are out to the gallagher/mandy. uncle!gallavich shenanigans. taking liam on adventures shenanigans
OK SO. FIRST AND FOREMOST I WOULD FIX THE FUCKED UP JUDICIAL SYSTEM IN SHAMELESS fionas/mickeys/ians court shit was so fucking unrealistic and BAD. how the FUCK did fiona get like 60 days in jail + house arrest for possession of a schedule ii drug and attempted manslaughter AND STILL KEPT CUSTODY OF THE KIDS.
literally what the FUCK did mickey get charged with. did he plea? what the fuck kind of plea is 16 years when the person you assaulted ALSO ASSAULTED YOU and is also a COMPLETELY unreliable witness/victim. youre telling me he wouldnt take his chances in court? as if debbie wouldnt be the perfect witness to prove his INNOCENCE? and bianca was dead and frank wouldnt even give half a fuck to testify to seeing mickey lock sammi in the trailer. literally no proof that ever happened. no proof he drugged sammi because it was FAR too late to test her blood and see how much of each drug she had in her system. just her testimony that she drank soda then fell asleep lmao. any defense lawyer would have an easy time getting him acquitted entirely, at most getting a refusal to comply with officers and disturbing the peace for running from sammi and then trying to kick her when the cops showed up to arrest them
literally what the fuck is ians trial. HE PLEADS NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF INSANITY (WHICH NO LAWYER WOULD EVER DO BECAUSE OFC HE WOULD BE FOUND GUILTY WHEN HE CHOSE TO STOP TAKING HIS MEDS) AND IS FOUND GUILTY. OF ARSON. A CLASS X FELONY IN ILLINOIS. IN THE COMMISSION OF ANOTHER FELONY (KIDNAPPING.) AND HE GETS LIKE 2 YEARS IN PRISON YOUVE GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. he could have gotten LIFE for that shit in the real world. i hate this shows pisspoor attempt at a legal system SOOOOO BAD. i stand by my belief that it wouldve made much more sense if he pled guilty and got put in the Chicago-Read Mental Health Center for mentally ill offenders. like he literally thought he was the gay Messiah what do you mean hes in a regular prison. plus it would've been much more interesting to see mickey in this environment - IF everything up to s9 was kept canon. otherwise he would only be able to visit ian like in s5, unless he found a way to get himself committed ?? idk it just makes much more sense than ian in regular prison
the attendees of their wedding. who the hell were those people. people from ians club ing days?? trevors friends???? i mean maybe. i assume sandy just went to every gay bar and passed out flyers saying there was a big gay wedding. it would've made much more sense if mickeys siblings were there especially mandy but what the hell ever. it's not like iggy literally has multiple scenes where he's supportive of mickey being gay and dating ian. WHATEVER. IT'S NOT LIKE THE GAY JESUS FOLLOWERS SHOULDNT HAVE EVEN BEEN THERE AT ALL SINCE THEYRE SHOWN LITERALLY ABANDONING IAN AFTER HIS ARREST AND IT WOULDVE MADE MORE SENSE FOR THE MILKOVICH BROTHERS TO BE OUTSIDE TO KEEP TERRY OUT. FUCKING WHATEVER I GUESS!!!
throw away the shitty homophobic gay man writer and let those 2 bi ladies write s11 gallavich. they were the only ones who wrote decent storylines. fr that gay guy needed to be fired SO BAD i can't believe he wrote the dumbass "who's the wife/bottom/submissive of our relationship" 11x3 plot AND the 11x7 orgy. HE SUCKS SO BADDD??? get rid of that stupid shit. give me more of ian and mickey in the growing pains of their relationship looking for jobs and dealing with the death of terry and trying to find common ground of their plans for the future and mickey being stubborn and scared without being "accidentally" an egregious stereotype of autistic people. LET HIM STIM AND GO NONVERBAL AND LET IAN LEARN TO GIVE MICKEY HIS SPACE WHEN HE'S OVERWHELMED GOOD LORD
17 notes · View notes
goth-oatmilk-latte · 7 months
Text
being back on campus today for my first last day ever brought up a lot of things i hadnt thought about.
i walked around and watched people navigate campus, some for the first time.
i was robbed of the joy of the university experience. my first university was vile. they allowed my roommates to bully me and campus faculty helped further my exile. i was actively made fun of by my peers for my ED and depression and SH. i was singled out constantly by campus faculty and even taunted by cafeteria staff. the university made it almost impossible for me to transfer bc they tried to hold my records hostage. they forced me into in patient and it was broadcast to everyone. they put my mental health issues and my personal life on display for the world.
i finally transferred and went to my now current university with a full blown ED that i was in full relapse of, untreated and still undiagnosed bpd, untreated ptsd, and i developed a substance abuse problem with alcohol and coke. why eat when i could do coke?? and why do anything else when there was alcohol. alcohol made me fun and it made all of the sadness go away for a bit. i spent nearly two semesters drunk and abusing coke until i attempted to unalive and was thrown back in inpatient. when i came out i had fucked my grades so bad and i was broke. my parents didnt give a shit and my mother basically told me to stop being dramatic and figure it the hell out bc she refused to believe i was severely mentally ill.
i dropped out for FIVE YEARS because i was also fired from my job that paid my rent due to being in the ICU for three days due to untreated strep complications. i was almost evicted and spent all five of those years clawing my way back.
i am so jealous of all the girls starting college who will have great experiences and friends and a support system. i am jealous of everyone who finishes on time. i am jealous of everyone who can ask their family for help and get it. i am jealous of people who get real help and dont get ostracized by their peers and faculty for being mentally ill but doing their best.
i wish i had that.
7 notes · View notes
feralratbitesu · 1 year
Text
i wish someone could just look into my brain and see what the fuck is wrong with me. im not talking like. physically. i mean like. i wish someone who wasnt me could see what i think and feel and just. idk figure out whats going on. bc i have tried to research. i have tried to seek answers by myself but its just. not cutting it. i literally cannot for the life of me put my experiences into cohesive words that describe them accurately. like doctors can diagnose me with whatever they want. adhd asd bpd aspd cptsd whatever else they want to tack on. at the end of it all theyre just a fucking bunch of letters that mean fuck all when literally not a single person giving out these diagnosis can agree what they fucking mean and how the effect different people.
some people believe that all of the problems i have are caused by capitalism. or the corrupt health care industry. or bc of fucking. climate change or pollution or whatever. i dont know about all that but. idk. i remember when i was a little kid. im talking little little. like i dont think i could have been older than 6 or 7. i remember one night where my mom was tucking me into bed and. she started to massage my back. i remember it really really hurting but also sorta feeling good. she told me that i had knots. now in my little kid brain i was imagining the strings of my muscles all tied up. but i didnt really understand what she meant. but i knew something was up bc of how hard she was massaging me. i was 6 or 7 years old and i had knots in my back. knots so bad my mom had to use her elbows to loosen me up. i was stressed. and tense. i was stressed out before i even knew what stress was. before i knew about capitalism or health care practices or climate change. i was stressed out before i even knew that fucking santa claus wasnt real
this post has um. gone on pretty long and i dont really know what the point of it is. idk i guess i just wanted to talk a little. ive been really lonely and. im struggling to stay above water yknow. i hope things can change soon
10 notes · View notes
gdaymer · 1 year
Text
Finally intentionally was petty finally let out the tiniest bit of toxicity from my bpd splitting and I just feel petulant. I have to keep going despite ruining a close friendship because I was mentally ill and no one would help me and I dont know if I should be bitter or just grieve and move on. No I know I should grieve and move on. I just wish that I could have someone recognise the sheer amount of negativity and toxicity I have to suppress on a near daily basis and that the little bits that do slip out are like the tiniest fraction of the shit I hold back bc I know Im being irrational. I understand that it doesnt count and it doesnt matter but like. I wish it did
You know its not just that it doesnt matter to people. Its that it didnt matter that id held back my splitting and my irrational toxicity I still fucked up the friendship. I still ruined it.
Grieving and moving on
7 notes · View notes
twowivestwoknives · 1 year
Text
so heres the thing with gender is that Im a lesbian and i never question that but im also like ~gender fluid but not in the hyper fem to hyper masc way but like neutral to butch to fagboy and like the only characters i relate to are shaggy haired traumatized boys with a deathwish and the only way i ever liked boys was in a traumatized codependant faggotry way but the only way i’ve experienced love and community is thru transness and lesbianism and ik im not a trans man but part of me wishes id been able to be a teen boy but i also didnt wanna give up being a teen girl and i have male alters but theyre all gay and the girl alters have a variety of sexualities and i have BPD so i never actually know who i am and im dissociated enough from myself regualry that gender is a non-thought i just exist but also medical transition is inaccessible to my bodybrain bc of triggers trauma and talent even though i really wish i could and ive been out as nonbinary since i was 17 and im still here confused and sad and angry and wishing i could be me but i dont know who the fuck that is at the basest sense i dont fucking exist and im just tryna figure out wtf i gotta mourn so i can finally feel in myself for the first time
5 notes · View notes
f3lkloretales · 11 days
Text
day one of blogging (17/03/2024 but past midnight on 18th already)
what a great start. it seems i have started this on the right day? lol
first things first, day one of blogging does not mean i will be going at it everyday because i know myself, commitment is difficult
you know who else has difficulties with committing? my ex, anyways.
im doing this because writing everything out is always relieving to me, especially in a public space bcs i have the sense someone will see it and find it comforting or just be like ‘well, fuck.’
it’ll also be a good overview of my emotions/things that happen bcs i have no short term memory anymore + will help bpd/therapy which is the biggest goal
chile if you know me irl you don’t, but if you do yes i am always healing and still dealing with my ex somehow lol
special shoutout to bella for helping me get through the initial shock phase <3
the day started off really shit. my mouse broke which meant i couldnt edit or just be on my pc, for me thats a disaster on another scale. my family kept bothering me and im pretty sure i was having an anger outburst which ngl understandable
i think i spent a good time walking passively agressively around the house softly crying because i was so frustrated with everything/everyone
then i did get saved by a mouse which instantly made me have faith in humanity again (small splitting happened there i think)
last night i had the idea of making a ‘carrd’ to have a fun overview of me as a person for twitter because twitter has really been my happy place tho i think im taking that back after today lmao
so i spent most of the morning looking for templates and contemplating buying pro lite (9 dollars for a year) because most of the sexy templates needed pro lite
eventually i gave in bcs i found a discount code and only had to pay 5.25 (thank you jesus)
then i spent until like 1pm making a carrd for my twitter and i wish i was joking. i put way too much info on there. i also made a carrd for my editing stuff bcs my old editing carrd looked ugly, and then put them together and tadaaa carrds were made
im curious to see if i will keep them up or will have an episode where i freak out bcs everything in my life is online and then delete it all
then i started making an edit to ‘about you’ by the 1975 bcs WELL. the past 2 weeks or so have been me coping with what happened between us (again.) and i had been missing them so much
then we started cryptically tweeting at each other and i was too far gone n about you is rlly my coping song for the whole situation. i started editing twelve and clara to it bcs thats what doctor who ship i associate us the most with
i ended up finishing just compiling the clips but idk if i really like it - in the evening i did add the simple transitions so in the morning i can make it more complicated if i feel like it but idk what to expect from myself tomorrow
after a bit of editing i took a bath which was basically delusional yearn dancing to songs and then i started getting in heat so i did something about that. nothing wrong with that but it was the first time in 5 months my thoughts slipped to my ex during and i didn’t stop it
after i didnt regret it that much because i had sent the whole we should make a foundation so we can be together in the future thing so i was like you know whatever but i still had an ew moment
then after i edited, stalked them, edited, watched a bit of the eras tour movie with my mom (it was surprisingly okay if we ignore the fact i was crying every other song)
then food came around which was terrible bcs my mom was drunk as fuck and she kept trying to love talk me and it was just manipulation - i was watching tubbo during it so that did help
then after food more editing and kinda just scrolling twitter
then it all started
my ex hadnt been active anywhere and i was genuinely getting concerned if they were okay so i decided to check their insta story
i saw they were at a musical with the girl i saw them with last month
i tried to be chill first. after all the reason i even mailed them about the foundation thing is bcs i genuinely thought that what i saw last month was not real
i had convinced myself she needed comforting and the girl with her just took that upon her
more spiralling and it started to hit me that they might actually be together bcs wtf, then i was like wait, the music they have been listening to is literally background music constantly and they havent gotten home so they are still with that person (i know allnof this bcs of pure routine that is stomped into my brain i swear)
then i got really fuckingn jealous and i decided to look at that girls story bcs surely she mentioned my exes story and there it was; the word girlfriends.
i havent felt that in a long time, just instantly my entire world collapsing and it feeling like i should just die in that instant
it felt just like that december
i am not prepared to start from scratch with healing again bcs right now im just denialing and i dont realise what happened yet
everything started slotting together even more, i *stupidly* replied to her cryptic tweets being like WTF u have a girlfriend and shit but i dont think the gf knows or cares and has been fed the narrative i am simply batshit crazy
which makes me want to throw up but oh well
then i remembered her coming up in conversations with us and that probably means this went on while we were even still a thing
so i started writing a mail
n you know i did what i do (freak out)
i really hope this girl just doesnt know and isnt like my ex, and if she is thats just a dangerous duo the world isnt ready for
im just so scared of not getting believed
and i bet my ex just constantly says they have bpd its that and sjskdk god im gonna cry now
i sent them receipts as well on mail and deleyed the tweets but they havent been active anywhere im scared the girl wont know but im also scared of what would happen if i dmed them
this is genuinely going to set back my mental health by so much :,)))
i though i had it for a second, as i always do
i loved her
so much
i dont want to go to sleep bcs i know ill dream all cozy about them and ill wake up, ill have forgotten what happened and then its all gonna hit me in the face and likely send me into an episode where i try to find a fp
but i truly dont want that i want to heal by myself i am just in such a bad situation for that i dont know what to do
and these feelings are going to swallow me and make me want to genius k*ll myself
i might post more in a bit. i cant go on tiktok (its all sad breakup things), twitter is wrong, nothing to watch on youtube, cant listen to music
and its going to be like that for a long time
i cant believe i tried to owe up to all my mistakes if she goes and does that
i bet what she says to herself is i would go insane if she had someone but she literally lied to me and lead me on thats so much worse
if you see this i wish you a genuine go fuck yourself
to you and your girl
see you in a bit tumblr
0 notes
didismal · 8 months
Text
i still think about you. a lot.
you were my closest friend but, i guess you didn't see it that way. maybe i let too much distance get between us by disappearing for so long. there's so many maybes i've lost count.
i loved you.
my BPD was severe with you and you didn't deserve that. I think you may have been an FP, and when you lose your FP in the BPD mind it's wholly devastating. But we are usually the cause of our own falling outs with people. because we get so so so attached and then when something threatens that, you panic, and you do something irrational or rash.
I did that to you and I'm sorry. I've never gotten to apologize and i dont think youll ever see this or care really.
i still check on you to see if youre still posting. youre going more inactive recently and that seperation is astounding.
because i still remember you at 26, and me being what. 18? the time i met you? i had this whole misconceived idea that we were closer than we actually were, or at least, i felt closer to you than you did to me and that's okay, i just wish it had gone differently. I wish so badly that it would have gone differently and we couldve talked it out and maybe i'd still be in your life
but i upset you and i got scared and did something rash.
and you havent spoken to me since.
if i would have known that that action would have ended our friendship on the spot, i wouldve never done it. i was stupid. i was scared i was going to lose you, i panicked, and that doesnt make any of it okay and in some scrambled attempt to run away-- i lost you in the process and i'll never forgive myself for hurting you.
bc you were one of the special ones yknow? We were a lot alike. i dont meet many people that i let in. everyone is always arms length except for a few people in my life who i have conveniently ruined my relationship with every single person who was special to me.
i thought id met someone who knew me wholly. i learned so much about my system from talking with you, my alters felt like they had people who understood them, they had friends for the first time, one of my alters had a *relationship* for the first time with you and in the end i was so confused because there were no hard feelings at all on our end-- in the end i was just worried about our stance on our friendship because it was becoming apparent to me that you were pulling back after i had upset you.
and to be honest i feel so many things about what happened that i cant tell if im mad, or just have a lot of grief in my heart. but it probably wasnt that deep to you.
i knew my feelings were unreciprocated. I respected that. and i was just worried about the status of our friendship but then the assumption was made that i was overthinking and then everything went down the fucking hill so fast. i was inconsolable that night.
it was so confusing to have my alters come one by one, not knowing why their friends suddenly disappeared and we all suffered massive losses.
but it's not your fault.
and you didnt deserve that from me.
I also think it's fair to say you made a rash decision by blocking me and not trying to talk it out with me, but like i get it. you didnt want to deal with me anymore. and that's perfectly valid, i was shit. ive always been shit. and i will only know shit. I've come to accept that now.
im probably going to delete this in ten minutes so i doubt youll ever see it. i just had to finally get it out there.
i loved you
but i will not come crawling back to you on my hands and knees like i once did. i dont think you want me back in your life.
but once in a while i get a blip on my blog that someone from Finland had visited my blog for a second, and i secretly pray it might be you. but have a strong feeling it's not.
but idk if you know how much that... effected me. and i guess i want you to be sorry and to apologize to me and i can apologize to you and we could just be cool again but i dont know if that could happen anymore, i pissed you off, rightfully so. and i had already come back to you once.
if you ever want contact with me again, it has to be initiated on your end because i will not bother you, or message you. you made it clear you wanted me out of your life. so ive made myself scarce.
i'm sorry.
i will never forget you and the wonderful times we had together.
i cant even rewatch my old youtube videos because every single one, i hear your voice and sometimes it makes me feel like home, and my heart shatters all over again. But i refuse to take them down bc they just have so many memories.
god the waterworks have got to stop i am a fucking mess right now.
sometimes i still wonder if you have that little dragon i made you. and if you ever think of me.
it's 11:41 pm, i think i'll have some coffee.
1 note · View note
fucklessmuck · 1 year
Text
Tw: rant involving suicide sa ed drugs and generally bad things. Just a rant. Please don't report I just don't know what else to do.
Pov: you finally did somthing healthy for yourself and everyone who should be proud of you just wants you to get over the pain of cutting out a toxic relationship faster so they can get back to taking advantage of you. Fuck. I can't get a fucking break. I can't fucking rest. I can't fucking heal and it bullshit. Just bc I'm emotionally stronger than like...most people doesn't mean I can take the responsibility of regulating YOUR EMOTIONS. YOUR LIFE CHOICES. bitch I can't even eat 3 meals a day why the fuck are you relying on ME to tell you how be a grown up? Why are you relying on me to fucking do the heavy lifting here?
I'm having a fucking break down man. I got no friends no love no job no money no hope and yall just fucking have the audacity to tell me to just show up? Bitch I looked you in the eyes w tears streaming down my face saying I'm so tired. I just want to die. And you FUCKING LEFT ME FOR DEAD
YOU ALL LEFT ME FOR DEAD. AND IM SO FUCKING PISSED
I lost everything. EVERYTHING. OVER AND OVER. I have struggled si hard and pulled myself out of the depths of hell just to get to this point where I could share how I felt w you. And you spit in my face.
You're mad now. At me? For putting a boudry up and telling you what I need? Your mad at me for taking time for myself and deal w the loss of a fucking 2 year long relationship?
I don't just end shit bc of petty things. I need you to be as strong as me and frankly I get it now.
Weak insecure pathetic beings leech onto me bc of how strong I am. Fuck it makes me wish I had just fucking offed myself just so I could watch yall scramble like " fuck I didn't think they'd actually fucking do it"
REALLY? YOU DIDNT THINK ID DO IT AFTER HOLDING MY BF IN MY ARMS AS HE DIED BY SUICIDE? AND THE WHOLE TOWN BLAMED ME FOR HIS DEATH AND BLACKENED MY NAME? HOW YOU, MY MOTHER, WATCHED AS NOT 1 NOT 2 NOT 3 BUT 5 FIVE BOYS REPEATEDLY ABUSED AND ASSULTED ME IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE. AND ON THE 6TH ONE WHEN IT CAME DOWN TO IT YOU PICKED HOM OVER ME BC HE PAHED RENT?
HOW I ENEDED UP HOMELESS IN 2020 DURING A FUCKING PANDEMIC BC OF THAT? HOW I PICKED UP A RANDOM STRANGER WHO NEEDED MY HELP DESPITE ME HAVING NOTHING I JUST WANTED TO HELP US GET AN APARTMENT. HOW MY CAR BROKE DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER AND I HAD TO TAKE MOLLY TO KEEP FROM FREEZING TO DEATH BC THE INSIDE OF THE CAR WAS ICING OVER. THEN AFTER I BOUGHT US AN APARTMENT AND FURNITURE AND EVERYTHING I GET INJURED AT WORK AND LOSE FEELING IN MY RIGHT LEG. MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER DIES, AND I GET FUCKING CANCER IN THE SAME WEEK AND MY ROOMATE DECIDES THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO KICK ME OUT.
So I'm homeless AGAIN. AND NOW THE ONLY PLACE FOR ME TO GO IS AN EX FRIEND WHO IS AN ALCOHOLIC AND MY FRIEND I KNEW FROM HIGHSCHOOL WHO WANTED TO MOVE OUT. I TOOK HIS SPOT SO THEY COULD PAY RENT. THE HOUSE WAS A MESS. AND NEEDED TO BE CLEANED AFTER 3 YEARS NO CLEANING. I MEET MORE FRIENDS TO HELP ME W RENT AND NOT KILLING MYSELF. AND ONE OF THE 3 PEOPLE THAT END UP LIVING W ME ASKED IF THEY COULD. SO THAT PISSED OFF THE ALCOHOLIC AND SHE DECIDED IN HER OWN QUIRKY BPD ASS WAY SHED EVICT US BY ABUSING MY FUCKING CAT WHOVE I HAD SINCE LIKE 6TH GRADE THAT WAS ALREADY TRUAMATIZED BY LIVING IN MOTELS AND CARS. SO WE ALL LEAVE AND WHO FOUND THE TEMPORARY HOUSE TO LIVE IN? ME. WHO FOUND THE DREAM HOUSE THAT WE WOULD STAY IN? ME. SO WHEN I GO HEY THIS LAST 3 YEARS KINDA BROKE ME CAN I PLEASE GET LIKE A BACK RUB AND SOME CUDDLES AND SOME EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY WHAT DO I GET?
Be here by 1 to scrub my house.
Fuck all of you.
I wish I had just died in my car that winter.
Then the blood really would be on your fuckinf hands you fucking selfish incompetent bitch
0 notes
boyghcst · 2 years
Text
trauma and mental health system …
idk the most annoying thing to me sometimes is tht i used to believe my trauma unphased me. i was aware of my internal issues, but wasn’t aware of how my trauma affected others e.g emotional dysregulation… n idk, tht bothers me bc i wish i got help and therapy years ago when i continuously kept begging for it… n didn’t get it lol.
i was severely mentally ill for too many years. it’s like, idk, damage is done now. yeah im a lot better and healing way more than i was few years back, and im not perfect at all, but i have an anger and hatred towards the nhs for not giving me the support i mf needed AT THE TIME. if i got the help i should have gotten when i was like 17 maybe things would have been different and better. idk it makes me mad sometimes.
ik all i can do is just focus on the future and getting better from here, but idk, no one should have to wait 3 years for therapy, and prior to that, the constant begging for some help but not being helped. one nurse even told me to stop coming to the doctors and that i have to fix myself lol…. Like ok thanks I have complex trauma and that’s TOTALLY helpful.
and the fact no one seemed to recognise i had issues until my trauma came back to me … like why?? why didn’t no one notice, surely specialists should be able to pick up on emotional and behavioural difficulties … why didn’t the school? bc at the time it only presented as social anxiety and depression, but even then, I DIDNT GET HELP. it took AGES to acc be put on antidepressants and the very day I was given it I overdosed on pills bc 1. Breakup 2. I couldn’t cope lol. n even now I’m still not being given proper help. I had 18 sessions w a trauma informed therapists this year, still haven’t been formally diagnosed by anyone bc they can’t diagnose, even tho I’ve been sure for like 3/4 years now I have bpd (cptsd) and it’s like… fuck OFF. I’ve been told by therapists they think I have cptsd, but they can’t diagnose me either it needs to be a psych. I hate the system sm. n idk my depression was always a “sometimes I’m okay, then REALLY BAD, Then okay again” cycle and I feel like specialists don’t take this seriously bc my mood is not a constant … idk. im just upset and mad at it all
1 note · View note
olivesjaw · 4 years
Text
.
3 notes · View notes
bubblegumbeyotch · 5 years
Text
I love.... staking all of my happiness on the validation and affection of one person lol
2 notes · View notes
cvctuslesbian · 6 years
Text
when will i ever be mentally okay.
1 note · View note
r0ttingaway · 3 years
Text
i dont think ill ever stop wanting to kill myself. like regardless of how good stuff gets. i feel like every single day i am just making the choice to not kill myself and i think about how much easier it’d be to kill myself a lot. i have such a great partner, theyre so understanding and kind about my bpd, i talked to them about them being my fp and it went super well and our relationship is even better now just bc they understand why i act the way i do a bit more and are able to help better, and i feel more comfortable with them since that, and they’re so loving and kind all the time, even before that. and i still want to kill myself. i have someone who i consider the love of my life, someone who ive talked about a future with. someone who, for the first time, has made me feel almost equally reciprocated love, and i still think about killing myself and relapsing every day. when i think of the future, i think of them and how nice living together could be, but i also think about everything i have to do to get there. all the work i have to do to get better, to be just more functional. not to mention all of the issues ive been having recently with personal stuff that make me just, unable to get a job until i get it sorted, which pushes that stuff back even further. and what if we never get to that point? i dont know whether they can put up with me. i havent shown a ton of like. the really bad symptoms i had in the past with my previous fp, that relationship was not healthy by any means to be fair whereas this one is, but holy fuck i just know something is going to happen and ill be too much for them. im just not sure how long that’ll take. maybe it wont happen. idk. i cant help but worry. i think killing myself would be so much simpler. i wouldnt have to worry. every day i think about all the different ways i could kill myself. i wish i didnt feel like this, and didnt feel like i had to choose to be alive every day. i hope it stops one day but i dont think it will.
1 note · View note
flyvenx · 4 years
Text
So not only is this ending for Alex trash, but I have bpd which if y'all dont know, one of the main parts of having bpd is having an extreme fear of abandonment due to being abandoned in the past. I 100% knew that if they went the Alex leaving Jo route, that it would be really triggering to watch and yeah it fucking was. Another part of having bpd is being able to feel other people's emotions as if they're your own, even if it's an actor on tv. I could feel it. I felt exactly what I felt 6 years ago when I was abandoned for the first time. It was agonizing, but grey's is one of my shows so of course I sat there and let myself cry and feel like shit and now I cant wait for my boyfriend to wake up to tell him that I love him and my therapist is shaking her head in disapproval rn
**Also just wanna make a disclaimer that I'm just venting about my feelings and how hard it was to watch this episode. I'm not blaming greys or shonda for triggering my bpd bc it was still my choice to watch the episode. Just really wish it didnt have to be this way
7 notes · View notes