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loversj0y · 1 year

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loves me (like im brand new)

TW: this fic deals with sensitive topics, specifically referencing sexual assault, as well as the recovery process, including mentions of flashbacks and references to dissociation. read at your own discretion

hey so this is entirely self-indulgent. ive been having a rough week (and im sure based on the content you could probably understand why) so yeah, it's not much. but take this as i try to cope (and finish the ttds au)

title is taken from call it what you want by taylor swift

wilbur soot x gn! reader

word count: 1.9k

The floor of the bathtub seemed to become your best friend during trying times. There was something about it that just became comforting when you felt like reaching out to anyone wouldn’t help. And it would help to reach out, but you couldn’t help preferring to spill your secrets to the bathroom floor.

It was too late at night for most people to be taking a shower, and you knew that. You’d been in here god knows how long, your phone left forgotten in your bedroom. The water was turned as hot as it would go, your skin left a blazing red in response. You didn’t know what triggered the episode, maybe the date was a little too close to the anniversary, or maybe you’d thought for a second that you saw the guy who assaulted you a few years back. In reality, it was a combination, you were always much more aware of your trauma this time of year, when memories of abuse and unmeaningful “i love yous” went rampant in your brain. There wasn’t much you felt you could do at times like this. The water helped, though. It hurt slightly, but the burn of the water was stronger than the memory of his hands on you. Everytime you did this, you hoped the water would allow you to scrub the hands off of you, but each time you could never feel clean. Your body wouldn’t feel like yours fully. You tried to stave off flashbacks and memories, forcing yourself to be grounded by focusing on tiny details in your apartment’s bathroom, the grout of the tile, the stains at the bottom of the shower curtain, the way the lightbulb would occasionally flicker. That lightbulb usually annoyed you, but now, you felt thankful for it as it’s random flicker would pull you out of your thoughts when you slipped into them.

You wanted to leave the shower, part of you wanting to go curl up in bed and put on so many layers until you felt like your body didn’t exist. But any attempts at moving made your brain yell at you once more, leaving you stuck in place.

A knock on the door startled you, your heart rate spiking, you didn’t have roommates, who-.

You question was cut off before you could even finish it.

“Darling?! Are you in there?” Wilbur, your boyfriend, sounded alarmed. He wasn’t supposed to stop by tonight, he was supposed to go hang out with Tommy, so why was he here?

“Wilbur?”

He seemed to let out a relieved sigh. “Are you alright? Can I come in?”

“I- yeah, you can come in,” you spoke, just loud enough for him to hear. He opened the door, quickly moving over to where you were, kneeling down next to the shower.

“What are you doing here, Wilbur?” I asked softly.

“You weren’t answering, I got scared.”

“I told you I was going to take a shower, didn’t I?”

“Darling, that was almost four hours ago,” He frowned, reaching a hand into the water to fix your hair, but pulling back once he felt the temperature. He looked at you, getting a better look now that some of the steam had left the bathroom. “Love, your skin is burning red, that cannot feel good. Come on, let’s get you out of there.”

You groaned lightly, leaning your head against the side of the tub, “I can’t.”

“What do you mean, love?”

“I just- I can’t, I feel…” trapped, haunted, exhausted, stuck, “frozen.”

He nodded, even though he didn’t fully understand. “Are you okay with me touching you?”

You thought about it for a moment. Anyone else and it would’ve been a no, anyone else and it would’ve set your brain into overdrive, but Wilbur never made you feel anything but safe and loved. You nodded after a moment.

He stood, leaning forward and turning off the shower. He got into the tub behind you, carefully lifting you and helping you stand.

“You’re gonna get wet,” you complained softly.

He just shrugged, “I don’t mind. I’m sure I’ve left enough clothes here that I can find something if it bothers me.”

You sniffled a bit and nodded. He carefully got you out of the tub, grabbing your towel and wrapping it around you gently. He pressed a gentle kiss to your head.

“Let me grab your pajamas, okay?” He went to grab them, but you reached a hand out and stopped him.

“Wait, I-” you paused, looking down a bit shyly, “I don’t want to be alone right now.”

He gave you an encouraging smile, nodding, “That’s alright. I’ll stay with you until you’re dry, and then we’ll go together. Sounds good?”

You nodded softly at him, taking a seat on top of the closed toilet seat cover. You looked down at his jumper, “Sorry again about your jumper.”

He shrugged, pulling the jumper off and tossing it out of the bathroom, wearing a simple white shirt underneath, “Doesn’t matter. Not as much as you do.”

You looked at the ground after he spoke. You didn’t feel like you mattered right now. It had nothing to do with your boyfriend, he was being so incredibly kind, and you couldn’t ask for anything better. But your head fought back and forth between feeling Wilbur’s love and feeling like you were back in that room from so many years ago. You pulled the towel tighter around yourself, and it was like you could feel Wilbur’s frown. He knew you too well, knowing your tells whenever you retreated into your own head.

“Darling, look at me,” He spoke softly, kneeling down in front of you.

You slowly looked up at him, met with nothing but kindness in his gaze.

“There you are,” he smiled softly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

You shook your head violently, “No- I… not now.”

He nodded, rubbing your back gently, “That’s alright. Are you ready to get dressed?”

You nodded, and he carefully leaned down to pick you up, walking to your closet. He set you down once you were there, keeping his hand at your back. He looked around for a moment before grabbing one of his sweaters and a pair of old sweatpants, “Here.”

You took them, and he helped you get dressed, the both of you taking your time. Once you were dressed, he took your hand, walking you to bed.

“Is there anything I can do to help you?” He asked softly as you sat down on the bed.

“Could you hand me my water bottle?” You asked softly, pointing at the bottle sitting on your desk. He did so quickly, and you drank from it quickly before setting it on your nightstand.

You didn’t quite know how to get the words out to ask him the next part, so you just patted the bed. He understood, sitting against the headboard. You came over, laying down against him gently, and his arms were quick to fall around you, holding you close.

He kissed the top of your head, humming a soft tune. Once you’d relaxed enough, you spoke quietly.

“I thought you were going to Tommy’s tonight?”

He shrugged, “You weren’t responding, so I got worried. His girlfriend is there anyways, so he wouldn’t notice if I was there or not anyway.”

“Still, you didn’t have to come here,” you spoke softly, and he scoffed.

“I know I didn’t have to. I wanted to.”

You nodded, burying your face against him lightly. You wanted to tell him what happened, it just took a few minutes to actually get the words out. “Today sucked.” You spoke quietly, taking a deep breath before continuing, “I just… it’s around this time a few years ago that I was- I,” it hurt to say, and Wilbur knew, piping up softly, “I know.”

You nodded once more, continuing, “it’s just… it feels so much more real around now, and so I just feel so much more sensitive to everything. The tiniest thing sets me off into a flashback, and it’s like I can still feel those hands on me sometimes, and it’s just- it’s overwhelming.” You sniffled softly, “The hot water helps, I can feel it more than the stupid fucking hands, but I just- I’ve rubbed my skin raw so many times, and I can still feel it. I’ve never felt clean since then, but it gets so much worse around this time, and I just can’t help but feel gross,” you sobbed softly, burying your face further against his chest.

Wilbur held you close, rubbing your back gently, “I don’t think you’re gross.” He spoke, “I know that it might not mean much coming from me, but I don’t think you’re gross, or unclean, or anything like that. I think you went through something shitty, and that you survived. And I also know that I adore you, and I adore learning more about you. Everything about you is new to me. Each piece makes you up, and I feel honored to learn about all of it, even if it feels like a curse, because I know that it all brought you to me, the same way I know the stuff I went through brought me to you.”

You sniffled, wiping at your eyes, “Thank you,” You whispered. It meant more than he’d probably ever know to hear him describe you as new.

He pressed a kiss to your forehead gently. “Of course, love. Your past is not you, it’s like a piece of clay, you know? You can’t change it fundamentally, but you can change how it looks and how you use it. It doesn’t define you, it just makes up part of you.”

You sighed softly, “I wish it didn’t, though. I’d rather it have never happened.”

He frowned, “I understand. If I could change the past, I would, just for you. But since I can’t, I’ll do anything you need me to because I want to make sure you are okay. It’s what I’m here for.”

You nodded, and he carefully wiped at your eyes. After a moment of trying to calm your tears, you, strangely enough, started laughing.

Wilbur smiled, giving you an incredulous look. “What is it?”

You chuckled, shaking your head, “Just feel a bit stupid.”

“Why?”

“For not telling you earlier. I’ve felt like shit since like 2P.M., I just didn’t want you to worry”

He smiled, brushing a bit of your hair back, “Darling, I’m constantly worrying about you. I mean this lovingly when I say you stress me out every day, especially when you text me in the middle of the night to show me the bugs you see when you walk around town at night.”

“It’s always fun doing that, though. Plus, you know I’m always heading to see you.”

He flushed a bit, chuckling softly, “I know. But it does make me worry.”

You smiled, gently taking his hand in yours. “Thank you for showing up.”

He squeezed your hand gently, “Of course. I’ll always show up for you, darling.”

You closed your eyes, curling into his side and yawning out slowly. The dark feeling in your chest was still there, but it felt smaller with Wilbur around. It was much more bearable with him there.

“Goodnight, love,” He gently pecked your lips, holding you lightly.

“Goodnight, Wilbur.” With him by your side, everything felt lighter. You could breathe, with him by your side, and you were able to fall into a quiet slumber.

#wilbur soot x reader #wilbur soot #mcyt x reader #dsmp x reader #mar writes #wilbur x reader #wilbur soot x y/n #wilbur my beloved #this is very Me specific i apologize

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