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#why does everyone i love go unloved by everyone else
slavet0thegrind · 1 year
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#god i am so tired of seeing literally everyone around me happy and in love and having no fucking idea what that's like#when the fuck is it gonna be my turn#when the fuck will i be enough for somebody to want to be with#why the fuck does this have to be so hard#i just want to love someone and have them love me back#is that so much to fucking ask#I'm so fucking tired of feeling alone and unlovable#SO. FUCKING. TIRED.#6 years of being single fucking destroys a person let me fucking tell you#worst part is there is nothing i can do about it#cuz nobody thinks im worth it#my friends knew a guy who's literally everything i was looking for#he was single and my type and gorgeous and they kept ✨saying✨ they should introduce us#but never fucking bothered cuz I'm not worth it#and he found someone else because of course he fucking did#the one shot i had of finding someone in this bullshit city and my friends didn't even bother to try and help me out a bit#and now there's literally no one else#unless i wanna go for the guitarist in this band i know who is very obviously into me#but i found out he has a girlfriend#cuz apparently im doomed to only ever attract men who have GIRLFRIENDS and be the homewrecker they want to cheat with#cuz i haven't dealt with that enough in the past year and a half 🙄#I'm only worth being a secret hook up to boost their ego#not actually worth he effort of a relationship#I'm so fucking sick of coming home to an empty apartment alone every day and having no one#i just want to know what love is#like the stupid foreigner song#idgaf#im fucking 32 years old and ive never felt romantic love and its all ive ever fucking wanted and it's so fucking depressing#ignore me#personal
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sarah-yyy · 1 year
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what: period cdrama // 40 eps, roughly 55 mins each  where: youku (you can also dl the app) // youtube // coming up soon on viki (usual disclaimer that i do not use eng subs so i don’t speak to the quality of subs) why: do you love watching a poor little meow-meow get tortured in a variety of ways before he decides to go fuck it, i’ll be a demon lord and kill everyone who wronged me?? do you like enemies to fated to kill you lovers??? do you enjoy PAIN AND SUFFERING??? this is the show for you
meet tantai jin, the cdrama fandom’s newest obsession 
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cursed prince of the Jing kingdom who was sent as a hostage to a neighbouring kingdom. he’s been unloved and bullied all his life - think, discarded and left to die by his own father, kicked around by servants, begging for scraps of food, abandoned and slowly betrayed by everyone around him... it’s NOT GOOD buddies, you will watch his life unfold and you will become attached and want to let him do whatever the fuck he wants 
surprise surprise this sad pathetic man will one day become
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THE demon lord who destroys all of humanity etc etc. look at this wardrobe upgrade??? amazing. beautiful. bad for humanity but great for him. good job, bud, you did well.
ANYWAY this show opens with demon lord tantai jin (affectionate) going on his lil’ murder spree (understandable). the fate of humanity as we know it to be rests on the shoulders of one li susu
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to defeat tantai jin, she will transmigrate to the past into the body of ye xiwu (tantai jin’s evil wife who whips him every night (not in the fun way sorry buds) and tortures/bullies him for because it pleases her) to try to kill him while he’s weak, before he turns evil and amasses power. this is for the good of humanity!!! but also he’s truly so pathetic in the past that she can’t quite seem to put her heart into it (there’s also this whole finding his evil bone and getting rid of that before she can kill him problem but HMMM) and decides that?? maybe if she shows him some care and love??? she’ll subvert his murdermurdermurder tendencies????
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this is the gist of the show!! there are a few arcs that we go through like all good xianxia cdramas, so we get to see them live through a few different lives (think: ten miles of peach blossom, pillow book etc etc), and every single dynamic between them is SO GOOD!!!!! we have spicy enemies to lovers!! cutesy arranged marriage between strangers to lovers (who don’t communicate enough for them to be happy)!!! star-crossed lovers fated to kill one another!!! 
the show is so goddamn pretty!! the aesthetics!!! the cgi!!!! the costumes ohmygod, i have never wanted to buy so many headdresses before
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LOOK AT THIS!!! HOW PRETTY WAS THIS!!!!
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he’s got this whole demon look LOCKED IN who else does it as well as my boy tantai jin
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this show is very PRETTY but make no mistake there will be a lot of angst!!! that’s part of what makes it so good!! luo yunxi does Tortured, Feral and Deranged™ SO WELL i weep every time i see him on screen, i have truly not been Okay since this show started airing, buddies please join me in till the end of the moon hell, you will not regret it, promise 😇✨
⚠❗ few post-finale thoughts so y’all go into it with full disclosure (and can’t yell at me for inflicting pain on y’all, just know what i am also Suffering™) - stop reading from here if you want no spoilers for the show at all. 
trigger warning: there is some dubcon in ep 14 (stretches between approx. the 25:00-27:25 min mark) between ming ye and sang jiu 
we were all hoping for a happy ending, but this ends on a bad-open scale, depending on how you look at it. @minmoyu​ has helpfully directed me to a happy audio-epilogue which was apparently shot but didn’t make its way into the episode?? we still dk if the footage will be released as an extra?? we can all form a prayer circle and HOPE i guess
the plot is HMM the further to the end we get, probably because they had to cut the eps down, so it’s a little choppy, esp the last few scenes??? idk idk. it’s a bit exhausting to watch towards the end, because you root for ttj so so much and he tries so so hard and SIGH. i need another few working days to digest this, i’m still a bit :/ about the ending
would i still rec the show, post-watch? yes! this show starts off really solid, and luo yunxi carried the show throughout. like. y’all thought lyx was good in ashes of love?? watch him in this. every single micro-expression was flawless. bai lu’s acting is always so dependable, and it’s the same with this show!  
this show has an a+++ ost (i mean it’s got the king and queen of cdrama osts liu yuning and zhang bichen, literally how could this be bad)!! and CERTAIN side characters are so so good (pian ran my baby girl, ye qingyu who grows on you, decidedly NOT bingchang/tian huan/mo nv although i will concede that chen duling’s acting in this show was Incredible). 
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leclerc-s · 5 months
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the blue - part four
masterlist previous next
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i think i like him...
congratulations, you're officially the last person to know
HOW COULD ANY OF YOU KNOW WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW MYSELF??
the way you look at him but don't worry he likes you too
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
easy, the way he looks at you
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN THOMAS??
well, you look at him like he hung the moon and he looks at you like you're the only person in the room who matters to him.
ASK HIM OUT!!!
no! and risk our friendship? no fucking way
it worked out for me didn't it?
yeah, but it's different.
how is it different amelia?
i don't know it just is.
god you're a fucking idiot. no wonder we're related.
okay rude
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i'm being an idiot.
do you want to go on a date?
fuck i like you do you like me?
am i fucking 5?
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OH SHIT!
FUCK!
I'M SORRY THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I DIDN'T MEAN TO SEND IT TO YOU!
so you meant to send it to someone else?
NO! FUCK!
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amelia, it's okay. i get it if you meant to send it to someone else. it's fine.
jesus fuck how can i write songs but not get through this one fucking thing?
okay, fuck it. i can do this.
do you want to get lunch with me?
i mean we already have plans for tomorrow, so yes amelia, i do.
NO YOU IDIOT!
okay, that was uncalled for.
ME. YOU. DATE?
oh.
forget i said anything. it's okay. i get it. i hope we can still be friends.
read 13:28
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14:04
amelia screamed into the nearest pillow scaring her little brother. she had hoped that oscar had gotten busy and wasn't just ignoring her, she didn't want to ruin her friendship with him, not over some stupid feelings.
"mum! she's doing it again!" paddy shouted. nikki holland walked into the room watching as her daughter continued to scream into a pillow. nikki shooed her youngest son out of the room, which he did without protesting. he did not want to watch his sister cry knowing there was nothing he could do. last time she had sobbed for 45 minutes when they were alone without telling anyone what it was about. to this day paddy suspects it was harrison’s fault, it always seemed to be these days.
nikki sat next to her daughter waiting for her to stop her screaming. when amelia's head popped out from inside the pillow, she smiled at her mom. nikki knew her, she knew it wasn't a genuine smile, something was upsetting her.
"what's wrong?" nikki questioned her daughter. amelia smiled, "i’m fine mum."
"no, you aren't. talk to me, is this about harrison?"
amelia groaned, "did everyone know about that?"
nikki nodded, "we did honey. now what's wrong?"
"am i unlovable? is there something about me that people don't love?"
"what?" nikki questioned, "no, you aren't. you're the most loveable person i know, and i'm not just saying that because i'm your mother. what makes you think that?"
"i asked oscar out on a date. he only said oh. i thought he liked me, tom said he did."
nikki pulled her daughter in for a hug, the girl placing her head on her mum's chest listening to her heartbeat, "i'm sure you caught him off-guard. let him get back to you, don't assume the worst."
amelia opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted by a knock at the door. she exchanged looks with her mum before standing up and going towards the front door. she gasped in surprise when she noticed who was at her front door.
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FORTY-FIVE MINUTES EARLIER
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i need a favor
what happened to hello tom? how are you tom? how's your day going tom?
hi tom, how's your day? how are you? i need a favor.
i'm great oscar, thanks for asking. what favor do you need?
i need your address
excuse me?
well amelia's address
can i ask why?
i fucked up. amelia asked me out on a date and all i said oh. i have to fix this.
and you plan on fixing this how?
by taking her out on a date? and apologizing profusely for fucking up.
at least you're apologizing. i'm still waiting for harrison to apologize to amelia.
don't fuck this up piastri and my sister is staying with my parents right now. she didn't want go home to her empty apartment yet.
i won't, now what's her favorite flower?
tulips, she loves tulips
take care of her oscar
i promise
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NOW
amelia gasped in surprise at who was at her front door. oscar smiled at her, holding a bouquet of tulips in his hand. he looked a bit relieved that she had been the one to answer the door. oscar has silently prayed her parents or brother hadn’t been the one to open the door, that would’ve been awkward.
"hi," he greeted, "i was busy so i didn't answer your text. does the offer still stand?"
"of course," she whispered. oscar held the flowers out to her, "these are for you."
amelia grabbed them, "tulips are my favorite, who told you?"
"a little spider," oscar joked. amelia laughed, and oscar felt his heart skip a beat, "so about that date?"
"now?" amelia questioned, "i'm not dressed properly."
oscar took in her appearance, she was wearing a t-shirt and jeans. a simple outfit and yet she was still the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, "i think you look beautiful."
amelia blushed, "i have to go put these in water," she told him. oscar nodded, "i'll wait here."
paddy appeared behind his sister, "i'll do it. go. get out of the house for once."
amelia jumped, "when did you get here?"
"i saw a cool car in our driveway, i had to know who it was," paddy explained, "hi oscar. what kind of car is that?”
"hello," oscar greeted, “it’s a mclaren.”
"of course it is,” paddy joked, “i want her back home before midnight," paddy threatened, switching his demeanor from the kind boy he had been moments ago.
"paddy!" amelia scolded. paddy and oscar laughed, "this isn't funny."
"it kind of is," oscar said, "she'll be back before midnight mr. holland."
paddy sweetly smiled, "she comes back in tears or anything less than happy and we will hunt you down. understood?"
"yes sir."
"good," paddy said, handing her a jacket and pushing his sister out of their home, "have fun but not too much fun!"
"paddy!"
the boy giggled maniacally before oscar held a hand out for amelia to take. she took his hand, ignoring the butterflies in her stomach at the cause of that simple action. paddy closed the front door as the two began walking towards his car. he shared a knowing look with his mother and he made his back to his room, she fondly rolled her eyes at her youngest.
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amelia quickly realized oscar piastri was nothing if not a gentleman. he had opened the car door for her, shutting it behind her before rounding the car and sitting in the driver's seat. he gave her a bright smile before leaving her family’s driveway. the two talked for what felt like hours but was only a few minutes as oscar parked his car in front of a coffee shop. amelia gasped, it was her favorite shop in her hometown, she turned to look at oscar and he just gave her a bright smile.
"you're brother helped out more than i would like to admit," oscar softly said, "but this was the best i could do on such a short notice, you kinda caught me off guard."
amelia smiled at him, before leaning over the console of his car and hugging him, "it was better than my idea."
oscar pulled away from her, ignoring the closeness of their faces, "what was your idea?"
"attempt to cook lunch for us, fail, and order food," she joked.
oscar laughed at her joke and amelia smiled again, at least someone in her life liked her jokes. her brothers didn't understand her jokes half the time, except for paddy, he always got them. her parents didn't understand them at all and her friends always told her not to underestimate her skills. the truth was amelia was a shite cook, there was no denying that, she was a great baker but cooking was a no go.
oscar gave her a final look before getting out of the car, rushed to her side and opened her door, holding a hand out to her, "shall we?"
amelia laughed, "we shall," she said as she intertwined their hands, oscar gave her another smile before leading her inside the coffee shop.
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ameliaholland 'in a world of boys, he's a gentleman'
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landonorris AMELIA? WHAT IS THIS?
↳ ameliaholland it's an instagram post lando. duh.
↳ landonorris I FUCKING KNOW THAT! WHO IS THAT??
↳ ameliaholland that's a secret i'll never tell.
samholland1996 AMELIA? WHAT THE HELL?
↳ ameliaholland isn't it such a cute post?
↳ samholland1996 NO! WHO IS THAT??
↳ ameliaholland please refer to my earlier comment.
harryholland64 AMELIA GRACE HOLLAND!!!
↳ ameliaholland yes??
↳ harryholland64 ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!!
↳ ameliaholland can't i'm on a date 🤭
username AMELIA GRACE HOLLAND SOFT LAUNCHING WAS NOT ON MY 2023 BINGO CARD!
oscarpiastri oh?
↳ ameliaholland oh?
↳ username WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???? WHAT DOES PASTRY BOY KNOW??
hazosterfield oh.
↳ username the difference between their comments is hilarious to me
username where are the overbearing and overprotective comments from paddy and tom?
↳ username those two probably knew.
danielricciardo AMELIA?? HUH?
↳ ameliaholland cute post right?
↳ danielricciardo i've joined the list of your brothers, i don't know who he is but i'll break his face if he hurts you like you-know-who
zendaya i'm sorry? why wasn't i told about this??
↳ ameliaholland i'm sorry z! it just happened! i'll text you the details later!
↳ zendaya i'm holding you accountable to that!
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oscarpiastri posted a new story
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seen by logansargeant, landonorris, ameliaholland and others
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¡leclerc-s speaks! they're my babies who just had their first date. they are not dating, not yet. the hard launch is when they start officially dating, i'm working up to that. i also clearly don't know how time works so ignore that plot hole, i'll probably fix that later.
¡disclaimer! this is in no way making assumptions about the people involved in this story, this is all fake. it is a fanfiction please don't take any of what is said seriously. this is all for entertainment purposes and as a creative outlet for me. enjoy!
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llamagoddessofficial · 9 months
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You mentioned being thinking a lot about Error these days, can you give us some headcanons you have about him? It can be any type of headcanons (how he passes his time, fluff or angst times with reader... you name it)
HOHO
I love Error. I am obsessed with Error. I headcanon me and him having a love-hate relationship because all I do is make crackhead AUs nonstop and there's nothing he can do about it. Here's headcanons for my personal Error.
He's a jealous manbaby. Of course.
Possessive, too- desperate for your affection, but absolutely unwilling to admit it, if you laugh at someone else's joke or smile at them too long it puts him in fits of irritation that make him constantly try to one-up whoever is 'stealing' your time.
Regularly flexes his power. It comes across as childish or self-absorbed, but it's actually in a misguided attempt to impress you.
(He's always trying to impress you)
No sense of boundaries. Will come in and out of your home like a stray cat, regardless of how often you tell him not to.
Error is allergic to just asking for attention. He's not used to wanting to touch anyone, so when he does suddenly get the urge to touch you, he's completely unable to stop himself. He has a terrible habit of snatching you over to him with his string, for reasons as simple as 'i don't like how far away you're standing, stand closer to me'.
Sometimes, if he's in a particularly awful mood, he'll just take you to the anti-void and string you up near him so you can't leave while he seethes. Sucks for you in that moment, but it's much better alternative to what he used to do when he was in a bad mood.
Desperate to cuddle- but can't bring himself to say so. He drops unsubtle hints like "you look cold" in the hopes that you'll ask first.
If he likes you, he'll bring you things from other multiverses, like an overzealous magpie decorating a nest. But if he really likes you he'll knit/crochet you things. It's one of the few times he seems genuinely proud of himself.
You'll know he feels comfortable around you when you start seeing him wearing his glasses.
Talk to him about shows you like! He enjoys hearing you talk. He might find you a multiverse where that show's events are actually happening.
If he likes you enough to crochet you stuff, he 100% has a doll of you somewhere. He absolutely talks to it. If you find it, try not to mention it, there'll never be a more awkward conversation
... It's no surprise that his jealousy and anger issues come from deep rooted fear. He doesn't know who he is. He feels untouchable, but equally unlovable, a stranger on the outside of a multiverse where everyone else seems to have someone. It's why his affection is that bizarre mix of desperation but trepidation.
Reaching out means feeling again- under all the power, he's an insecure and terrified kid.
With time, and reciprocated affection, he can definitely chill out. Learn to reign in his jealousy, just because you found someone's pun funny doesn't mean you're going to abandon him. He'll start acting less like Error, and... more like Sans.
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vesora · 1 year
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dealing with fear of abandonment through LOA + general tips
personal backstory / long post ahead
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“Change your conception of yourself and you will automatically change the world in which you live. Do not try to change people; they are only messengers telling you who you are. Revalue yourself and they will confirm the change.” ― Neville Goddard, Your Faith is Your Fortune
as a child, my needs were not met and therefore, i developed a schema that people were meant to disappoint me and leave me and my relationships, both platonic and romantic reflected EXACTLY that.
countless times, i was ‘left’ without any reason, always strengthening the notion i had always felt that people were meant to abandon me. even if i was close to someone, i would still engage in self-sabotaging behaviours when i felt disappointed by the expectations i had set for them. feeling this lack of control when it came to relationships because i was so deathly afraid of being left alone; of disappointing the other. not putting myself first because i felt the only sense of worth i had was through whether another found me worthy. this is all very hard for me to say of course, im a private person but i felt maybe someone at least needed to hear this. my parent would be nice at one point and disinterested in the other, i felt i had to work to gain their approval and for them to be nice to me all the time. i needed them to view me as perfect, so they wouldn’t leave me. but guess what guys? thats stupid, bcos fuck perfection.
in my abandonment activation strategies/self-sabotaging behaviours, my body would go into a state of desperation, in dire need of any sort of relief and safety, crying my heart out because i was so scared, leaving people because i was scared of being left first. being scared i was being clingy by asking for reassurance which in turn sends me into another frenzy, isolating myself from people so i have no chances to be hurt, feeling resentment when someone doesnt meet my expectations/needs through no fault of their own. my inner child would just take over my body, repeating the same distress i experienced as a kid. 
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but i am not a kid anymore. i am a well-functioning adult and i cannot continue this abandonment schema. so what do i do?
i use loa. 
how to use loa + general tips for this:
recognise that everything and everyone is you pushed out. your relationships play out the way you assume they will. this is not to say at all what happened when you were a child was your fault. we are not to blame. our needs were simply not met.
change the way you view relationships, no matter how hard it may be. if everyone is just us, how can anyone else abandon us? not even that, why would anyone leave us? we are amazing and fun and good people
be someone YOU are proud of, irrespective of what other people think. all is mind, so why do you think you need to impress someone who’s just another part of you? a part that can easily be molded
you are not clingy. you are not desperate. you are not unworthy. you are not unlovable. repeat affirmations that you are lovable. that you deserve to have your needs met. that everyone meets your needs. that you never feel abandoned. that you love yourself unconditionally. YOU are on the pedestal, NOT anyone else.
if someone is emotionally unavailable, this DOES NOT mean they do not love or care about you! they might be busy, not be well-versed with showing emotions in a healthy way, express their love in a different way than yours or they may simply be going through something in their lives right now. 
when this happens, you can talk to the person about it and usually in my experience, the person understands and reassures me that they still love me and that we are okay. if a person is not willing to make sure you are okay, maybe rethink their position in your lives. you are the pedestal, not them. now just because someone reassures you doesn’t mean you don’t work on yourself. you do work on yourself through LOA and useful strategies.
take deep belly breaths when you feel yourself get triggered. it is okay. you are going to be okay, i promise. the next day im sure you will feel fine. it is not the end of the world, i promise you. the world IS you. just change it.
reassure your inner child and your adult self that you are okay now. you are the best version of yourself right now. you are safe. you are secure. you are not in danger. your life is in YOUR hands. YOU are in control. YOU created this life. the only way to change it is within.
if you feel impatient and you want things to change IMMEDIATELY, i.e. when youre having a panic attack, take deep breaths and remember this is temporary. remember you are in control of what happens but also do not be attached to any outcome, just have faith that everything works out in your favour.
if you feel resentment when someone doesn’t meet your expectations, do NOT use strategies to hurt them or leave them. just calm down and view them with a gaze of love. transmute this feeling of resentment and abandonment to love and understanding, you can even visualise it. they still love you, you can manifest them to love you the way you want to idk but still they love you! don’t try to make them jealous, don’t distance yourself, don’t do whatever you do to get ‘revenge’ idk, it is NOT healthy. it only hurts YOU in the end. plus, LOA dictates the way people act with you is a reflection of yourself, so all you need to do is change self.
no matter what, KNOW you are loved. even if your body is freaking out and wants to flee, tell yourself in the moment it will pass. it has to. your trauma trigger reactions are NOT you. 
it may be hard to believe that someone loves you. for me, i felt like i was delusional. that i was kidding myself, because how dare i assume someone loves me? that’s why i kept seeking external reassurance for any semblance of love because i was not giving that reassurance to myself internally. and when someone didn’t give me that reassurance in the 3d, i’d freak out, even though i had manifested it unknowingly. how can i go to the 3d and ask for love when everything, good and bad, is within me? as the creator, how can i not tell myself i am worthy of love and that people close to me love me? how can i not believe that when all is me? it is a bit stupid to think like that, no? well i did, and to an extent i still do. but i’m recovering. i deserve to live a life where i am not constantly afraid. i deserve to live a life where i can speak with confidence that someone loves me. it is hard for me, even now, but i know i will get through it, as will you. 
let’s be brazenly impudent together, shall we?
“Dare to believe in the reality of your assumption and watch the world play its part relative to to its fulfillment.” ― Neville Goddard
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deargodhelpmeaaa · 8 days
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A comparison between Berdly and Papyrus.
Papyrus and Berdly both are over the top, emotional, egocentric characters, and have many simularities, but also many differences, and that's what I want to talk about today.
The first is that that Papyrus wants people to love him, but values himself a lot and wants to leave meaningful impacts on the lives of other people. He believes in himself and his abilities despite everything going against him.
Berdly, too wants to be loved, but he does not value himself and tries to act smart because he believes that if people see him as intelligent, they will value him. Without his intelligence, however, there is nothing to value. He does not believe in himself, and even after all the studying he does, he still doesn't even consider himself as intelligent.
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That being said, Papyurs also might be putting up a facade. For instance, he will change his opinions on things sometimes to get people to like him more, as seen in this phone call dialogue:
"Papyrus: GRILLBY'S? WE'RE TOO REFINED FOR THAT GREASEHOLE. Undyne: WOAH, if you go, you HAVE to try the cheese fries. Undyne: They're AMAZINGLY bad for you!! Undyne: Oh, sorry, Papyrus, were you saying something? Papyrus: JUST MONOLOGUING ABOUT MY LOVE FOR GREASE!!!"
Which is very much so a symptom of someone who puts up a facade, meaning that if he had been congratulated for something he considered a part of his intelligence, could Papyrus start acting like Berdly?
No. I don't really think he would. Papyrus is sweet. He'd probably be more encouraging of others to get smarter, too. I think he'd help everyone be smart, instead of trying to put himself on top like Berdly does. Like, yeah, he might say like "One of these days you'll be as smart as The Great Papyrus himself!" or some shit. This is because Papyrus opens his heart for everyone. He has faith in everyone, and this facet of his character can be seen in his neutral ending and death.
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Papyrus works hard to be what he is and understands the value of self improvement. He has some genuine talents, too! Berdly works hard, too, but doesn't see himself improving at all. He sees himself as just inherently worse and more forgettable than everyone else, crumbling at the forces working against him.
This is why he gets so excited about Susie, when he's told that he can make mistakes, taking it as that he should be stop trying to be smart all together.
Still, he doesn't value himself, taking her and Lancer's words as that he should reject pretending to be what he's not, and instead be what he thinks he truly is: stupid.
Both characters have an inferiority complex: Papyrus gets less attention than his brother, Sans, and Berdly saw himself as being "forgettable" prior to winning the spelling bee, and also acknowledges that he isn't as smart as he acts like, and that Noelle is "the real smart kid."
Both characters lack friends, and are bad at picking up on social cues.
Both characters get tricked or manipulated (Papyrus by Flowey and Berdly by Queen).
Both are brave.
Papyrus is loved, however the people who love him (Undyne and Sans) coddle him, and he's kind of treated like an idiot. Berdly's situation is kind of the opposite.
Berdly is not loved by anyone, and doesn't really know what it is even like to be loved, and it gets to the point that he mistakes any form of affection for romantic affection. This can be seen in how he assumes Noelle has a crush on him, his random crush on Susie that lasts until the end of the chapter, or how he thinks Kris is hitting on him when you check up on him after the Queen bossfight.
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This can be seen most vividly when the major turning point in his life is being congratulated by his peers for winning a spelling bee.
His relationship with Queen seems to parallel his relationship with his yet to be seen mother, as he is ignored, unloved, and seen as annoying. So, of course he has a low self worth, and of course he tries to pretend to be something he's not to get the love he craves, because without his smarts, what is he?
His closest friends are Kris and Noelle. He talks down to Kris constantly, as a means of showing off to them and proving himself as their better. He does care about and enjoy their company, and they seem to like him enough to want to play videogames with him, and are clearly upset by his death. Noelle is not that close to him, but sees the best in him, and while she finds him annoying, she still cares about him.
I also think that their friendship might not last? He actually thinks of a theoretical life without her in the future, stating, with finality:
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Berdly also indicates that he really adores Noelle.
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He doesn't just love her because she's his only friend. He doesn't just love her because she's the one helping him with his studies. He just loves her for who she is. He cares about her deeply, but he understands that their friendship won't last forever, or at least he thinks that it won't. Poor thing.
It may be because he has little to no support system that Berdly is a lot less willing to see the best in others, and more apt to try and prove himself as their better, as he does with Kris. Papyrus on the other hand, has a better support system, even if he is coddled (especially by Undyne).
Both characters are able to pick up on when there's something off about someone, but Berdly's course of action, seeing as how he doesn't look for the best in others like Papyrus does, is a bit different. He actually takes a stand against the player when he sees them acting strange.
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The player, who mind you, is controlling one of his only friends.
This being said, Berdly is still NAIIVE AS FUCK. His reasoning for attacking Kris there was because they were hurting Noelle, who he values deeply, and wants to protect. That's one of his goals in chapter 2: protect Noelle. If you were trying to reach out to him, appeal to his interests and prove yourself as worthy of his admiration, yes, of course he'd agree to do any stupid or terrible thing you told him to do. He'd look past your obvious faults in that situation because he's just that desperate to be loved. He is VERY easy to manipulate and we see this in his relationship with Queen.
In the Snowgrave route situation that leads to his possible death, though, he can't look past your faults. They're right on display for him. He doesn't care that this person is someone he thought of as a friend. Someone he knows and adores is in danger, and he's going to do what he can to protect her.
Papyrus is different. He wants to help you. That's his goal. He just sees the best in you, and wants you to change. He reaches out to help you be better. He wants you to be better because he has faith in you! All of this, after seeing that you have already been hurting other people.
So, both are aware you hurt someone, but both approach the situation differently, because both are fundamentally different characters. In both Berdly's death scene and Papyrus's, we see that they want to help their friend: Berdly wants to protect her, Papyrus wants them to change their ways. Berdly doesn't care about you changing your ways at all. He sees you hurt someone he loves, and he acts. Papyrus sees you hurt people he loves (potential friends/ monsterkind) and he acts.
There's a lot else I could talk about here, but I think you get the idea. Feel free to add onto this or correct me on anything I may have gotten wrong ^^
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rainbowmothed · 17 days
Text
a collection of angsty quotes that reminded me of vaggie. inspired by @ lookinginsidemymind on tiktok.
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“i think i was born to sting,”
but i don't mean to.”
“im not a violent dog. i dont know why i bite”
“how the absence of someone can feel like the absence of myself.”
“wish you were here. you could tell me what to do.”
“i am angry, i am unlovable. i am mostly afraid those things are true.”
“please stop yelling at me please scratch my back please stick up for me in a conversation i am listening to from the top of the stairs. you are my girlfriend, act like it”
“i wear the army's anger like a hand-me-down. the hotel says it does not look good on me”
“i do not know how to love something without sinking my teeth into it”
“i am the girl screaming. i am also the girl begging to not be screamed at.”
“what if i become angry like my past self. what if i already have?”
“i would do anything to become someone worth keeping around”
“why are you running away?”
“i must search every corner of the world to search for the girl i once was. to get rid of her, once and for all”
“i am so adam's top girl it hurts. can you tell?”
“i love you.”
“sometimes, i think love and violence are the same”
“if my past was a tooth, id tie a string around it and slam the door on those memories.”
“but it is not. i cannot.”
“i am flying way too close to the sun and id like to say the heat burning my skin makes me feel alive but i really just want the blisters to prove ive been hurt”
“i am messy. everything i let go of has claw marks. i am stubborn. i have never met a hill i wouldn't die on”
“i've been holding onto this grief so long it feels as familiar as the turns into my neighborhood when i've fallen asleep in the car.”
“i want to wake up now. i want to let it go”
“how could i forget? does the tree forget the axe?”
“i stuffed myself into this cocoon. now i beg for transformation”
“thank you for putting flowers in my messy room im sorry for making you mad at me i didn't mean to but unfortunately there's something wrong with me”
“im trying my best im trying my best that's all i can do”
“sometimes this girl's best is judging everyone else to distract herself from the fact that she hates herself more than she could ever hate anything else”
“i love like a dog. not in the cute, fluffy way; in the discarded, disgusting mutt way. i whine for any scraps of affection i am given”
“sometimes, you are so accustomed to hate you cannot fathom love. you reject it.”
“i don't think my creator knows my favorite color. or my birthday.”
“i wish i could look at myself in the mirror without crying”
“i love you with what in me is unfinished; i love you with what in me is still changing”
“someday i will sail away from the shame i carry. for now, i am merely a passenger”
“you're holding onto something that doesn't exist anymore”
“unclench your fists.”
“this grief isnt tangible but oh god how i can feel it”
“this is an automated message, please don't reply. we are calling in regard to your father”
“we mean your creator. we mean the man that raised you. we mean the man that said he raised you.”
“sorry, we dont know what we mean, because you don't know what we mean”
“we apologize for any miswording. we apologize the way they will never apologize. when will you accept that?”
“sometimes i dont want to get better just to show you how bad it was”
“i am afraid that if i open myself i will not be able to stop pouring. why do i fear becoming a river? what mountain gave me such shame?”
“you keep asking if i would die for you. i keep asking why you want me dead”
“good enough to grab. they always put me back, though. 🐟”
“im sorry for saying sorry”
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eeldritchblast · 4 months
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Thoughts on Halsin
I want to preface this by saying I don't have anything particularly against Halsin as he is in game. But I do find him lacking in depth, when compared to everyone else.
Even without knowing that he was added as a full companion last minute, I would probably have guessed as much simply because there's not much to him beyond the role he plays in the Shadow-Curse quest of Act 2. This is lampshaded with dialogue about how he himself feels consumed by his determination to end the curse. But to me, that just feels like a cop-out. Imagine any other character looking at the camera and just saying "yeah I know I don't have much character beyond what happens to me in the plot, too bad?"
But I think the worst crime about his lack of development, is the fact that because he doesn't have a lot else going on, he feels a little overly sexualized to me; like he's just there for the player to thirst after because he's this big, bulky man. Now, to be clear, I don't care that he's horny, and I definitely don't care that he's poly. (My GF is a poly lesbian, and honestly I could see myself having more than one romantic relationship , too, if someone else was ever interested in me like that and cool with it.) What I'm trying to say is, because he's lacking in other areas, leaving those traits being of his few you can list, it makes them feel of less value, and makes him feel more like a sex prop. And if you're gonna have a character with rape victim as part of his background like Halsin has, then that's the last thing you want, I think.
So, what more could be done with Halsin?
I once made a joke that someone should draw Halsin in a "Big Auntie Energy" shirt. For those of you who aren't Native, let me try to translate: In most if not all Indigenous Nations, we often call women who are champions of our cultures and communities "Auntie", whether they are actually literally your aunt or not. An Auntie is someone you dearly love, and trust to guide you. Halsin already plays something of a mentor figure to the protagonist—indeed, dev notes even call him "avuncular"—so why not lean into it further by showing what he does for others, too? Pretending that there was more development time allotted, here's what I would've liked to see...
"This place crawls with life, but little of it flourishes. I see refugees, unhoused. The destitute, unwanted. Orphans, unloved. … I wish there was a better way. I wish everyone could see the sun, have a full belly, and know nature as a friend. There is a balance that is yet to be found." —Halsin
After ending the Shadow-Curse, Halsin says he needs to find a new purpose. I feel like his purpose could easily align with his horror of the inequalities of Baldur's Gate. Instead of just talking about how awful it is, why not allow the player to challenge him to try and change things, then? For example, I like to imagine Halsin telling stories to the orphans in Rivington, providing them comfort and someone to look up to. Or another example: Halsin helping out in or maybe starting some kind of charity meal program. It's small, but it's enough to say that he could actually grow a little as a person within the game's story. And it would add at least a little bit of engagement on the player's end as well, instead of feeling like the relationship with Halsin, platonically, is one-sided.
This all doesn't come from nowhere, by the way. If you exclusively romance Halsin, he says goodbye to the player in the end because he is leading a group of people into Thaniel's realm to start a new life. But personally, I feel like this is too great a leap back into an Archdruid role he specifically rejected, because he didn't like it. It also would've been nice to get this kind of dialogue without having to romance him; to know what lies ahead for Halsin as a friend, too.
Now, that's the good ending. But almost all the companions in BG3 have a "good" and "evil" ending. I feel like this really adds a lot of insight into the characters, because they feel real through it; we all have the potential to make good and bad choices, after all. So what could be Halsin's evil-aligned ending? Well, remember when he questions if the Shadow Druids actually have a point? How about giving the player the opportunity to push him further down that path instead... Shadow Druid Halsin, holy shit.
Now, there's one more thing I want to circle back to: Halsin's past. He very casually speaks of his time as a captive in the Underdark. And maybe it was so long ago that he's long dealt with such trauma, but still, I really wish there was a way to say "hey bud, that's really fucked up and I'm sorry that happened to you." But there's not a single dialogue option that allows you to express sympathy, besides just saying "that's awful", which doesn't cut it. Halsin himself says, "sometimes I think people look at me and imagine my feelings can't be hurt." Not allowing the player to be sensitive to his feelings goes exactly against this message not to judge a person's emotions by physical appearances.
Anyway, Halsin is a character that I think has a lot of potential, but doesn't quite reach it in game. I think it's great that he was given a bigger role due to popularity, but I just wish that role was expanded on to the same degree as the other companions.
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winter-soldier-101 · 2 months
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Why me! 2
Word count: 1317
AemondxReader
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Aemond has been watching you from afar since the day he told you he would kill you and your babe so you’ve stayed away from him since then.
“Are you going to talk to him?” Rhaenyra asks you.
“How can I talk to him when he told me he would kill me and our babe if the babe didn’t look like him all because he thinks your son Jacerys is the father so you tell me how could I ever look at him the same.” (Y/N) tells Rhaenyra.
“(Y/N) I know what he said to you but he does love you” Rhaenyra tells you.
“He told me that I let your bastard son touch me and of my babe looks like your bastard son he will kill us both that’s truly what he said to me so don’t fucking tell me that he loves me because he doesn’t love or care about me anymore” (Y/N) tells Rhaenyra and walks away from her and everyone else.
“(Y/N)” A voice calls out the voice of the one man she truly trusts.
“Elmo, is that really you?” (Y/N) asks as she holds him tight in a hug.
“How I’ve missed you so I miss seeing you run around Riverrun with Kermit” Elmo tells you as he lets you go.
Elmo Tully is like a second father to (Y/N) when her father died fighting in the StepStones with Prince Daemon, (Y/N) was thankful to Prince Daemon he had brought her fathers body back and paid mother some coin to help with everything.
“I want to go home Elmo” (Y/N) whispers out as she cries in his arms.
“I wish I could take you back home (Y/N) but I don’t want your mother and brothers to be in any danger” Elmo tells you.
“I do not want my child to know his or her father hates them so please if I die on my birthing bed take my child and never let Aemond near him or her” (Y/N) tells Elmo.
“I will do everything I can for you and your baby (Y/N)” Elmo tells you.
Aemond stood behind the wall of the secret passageway as he listened to your conversation.
“When Aemond told me he would kill me and the babe I thought about jumping from Maegor’s tower so we wouldn’t feel unwanted and unloved.” (Y/N) says as tears fall down her face.
Aemond listens to your cries and feels his heart break as you say you wanted to end your life because of what he said.
“(Y/N) it’s okay you can write to me and your mother any time and if you need me I will come.” Elmo tells you.
“I just want to tell the King that Jacerys is the father of my baby and let me and Aemond go away from each other.” (Y/N) tells Elmo.
“(Y/N) no you can not do that the King will punish you if he feels like you abandoned your vowels to Aemond” Elmo tells you.
“I know I just don’t know what to do.” (Y/N) tells him.
Three days later
“I have decided that my daughter and heir Rhaenyra Targaryen will be crowned Queen in a fortnight the ravens have been sent and all Lords and Lady’s shall be in attendance to celebrate their new Queen” Viserys announces to the masses and to his council members some shocked at the news.
“Your Grace, are you sure you don’t want to name your first son Aegon King?” Otto asks Viserys.
“Otto enough of this my daughter will be Queen and that’s final!” Viserys yells out making sure everyone understands.
5 months later
(Y/N) lay in her birthing bed as Maester Mellos tells the midwives to get some water and cloth as you begin to push.
“Princess get ready to push” Maester Mellos tells you as you let out a scream and push.
“One more push Princess” Maester Mellos tells you as you push one more time and stop when you hear a loud cry.
“A boy Princess” Mellos tells you as he shows you your son and gives him to the midwife to clean him up.
“Princess I need you to push one more time” Maester Mellos tells you as you push once again and hear another cry.
“Another boy Princess” Mellos tells you.
“Twins oh my Layla will you get Queen Rhaenyra.” (Y/N) asks her handmaiden.
“Twin boys Aemond” Alicent tells Aemond.
“Yes mother I’ve heard I’ll visit when I’m done training” Aemond tells Alicent as he leaves her alone standing there.
“Should I call you Queen Rhaenyra now” (Y/N) asks Rhaenyra.
“No you don’t have to call me Queen Rhaenyra (Y/N) your my good sister and oh your boys are beautiful (Y/N)” Rhaenyra tells you.
(Y/N) looks at her sons and sees both have white hair and not a single brown hair in sight (Y/N) lets out a little laugh.
“I don’t want him anywhere near my sons” (Y/N) tells everyone in the room as Alicent walks in.
“My dear girl, how are you feeling?” Alicent asks you.
“I’m fine Alicent where is my husband at?” (Y/N) asks Alicent.
“He went to the training yard for a-“ Alicent starts to tell you.
“Yes of course he did let him know he is not allowed in my room and he will not be allowed to see my sons” (Y/N) tells Alicent.
Three days later
(Y/N) holds little Aragon as Aeneys lays still in his bed but a soft knock wakes him (Y/N) puts Aragon down and picks up Aeneys and opens to see Aemond along with Jacerys.
“What are you doing here Aemond?” (Y/N) asks him angrily as Layla waits for you outside.
“Layla come in and take the boys please?” (Y/N) asks Layla.
“I’ve come here to apologize to you and Jacerys and see my sons.” Aemond tells you.
“No they are my sons not yours!” (Y/N) yells at Aemond and tries to close the door on him.
“(Y/N) stop I’m sorry I’m trying to make everything right and make it up to you.” Aemond tells you.
“No you don’t deserve to meet my sons” (Y/N) tells him.
“(Y/N) I’m going to see them so please move?” Aemond asks you.
“No, they are my sons, remember their bastards to you so leave me and my sons alone Aemond.” (Y/N) tells Aemond.
“(Y/N) let me see them now” Aemond says as he pushes the door open and makes way over to the boys.
“No stay away from my sons” (Y/N) says as she pushes Aemond away from the twins.
“(Y/N) enough!” Aemond yells as he pushes you to the floor.
“You will never put your hands on me again. If you do it will be the last time you have hands. Do you understand me?” (Y/N) tells Aemond as she gets up off the floor.
Aemond looks at you shocked as he holds his left cheek.
“You can see Aragon and Aeneys when I feel like you are ready to be their father” (Y/N) tells Aemond.
“You named them with me?” Aemond asks you.
“Yes I named my sons because their father wasn’t there for them when they were born” (Y/N) tells Aemond.
“(Y/N) I’m sorry that I hurt you and I’m sorry about what I said about you and the boys and Jacerys. I'm sorry for what I said about you and my wife and sons” Aemond says to you and Jacerys.
“I appreciate your apology, Aemond but I have not forgiven you yet.” (Y/N) says to Aemond.
“Thank you for apologizing uncle and I’m sorry about all the pain me and Lucerys caused you.” Jacerys apologizes to Aemond.
Taglist: @dc-marvel-girl96 @immyowndefender @izfrogzyy1 @lexi-anastasia-astra-luna @hc-geralt-23
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naamahdarling · 4 months
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Do you have a favorite musical?
If so, what are your favorite lyrics from it, and why?
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ALW's CATS.
Is it a surreal mess? Yes! But I love it before everything else.
The lyrics are silly but very clever. Most are at least partly by TS Eliot, drawn from a wonderfully nonsensical book of poems.
I think my favorite song is the Invitation to the Jellicle Ball, neck and neck with Mr Mistoffelees.
My favorite cat is Mistoffelees by a lot, followed by the Rum Tum Tugger. They are in love.
But the part that makes me feel the most in my heart is Grizabella. The only cat I relate to is Grizabella.
Memory is the big number that everyone knows and I do absolutely love it, it's one of my favorite songs and probably the best in the musical as it was before CATS 2019 introduced a new song, but I feel that out of context it simply doesn't have punch. It gets trotted out to showcase a singer's skill, as a bit of a tearjerker if you're a sentimental person. It is so much more than that.
I didn't understand Grizabella properly until I was well and truly an adult and had taken in multiple cats off the street, and lived near a colony, and watched my own cats become frail, which are all painful things in many ways; AND until I had begun to really feel the weight of my marginalization as a disabled person and an ill person, which means confronting almost daily the fact that I am unlikely to come to the sort of end I would like.
Hold on because I'm going to be unhinged about this cat for a minute.
Grizabella is an aged stray, once welcomed, now abandoned and unloved, considered ugly even by others like her (who are shown to supposedly accept differences and value, or at least respect, most everyone...but not her).
She lives in a haunted, lonely state unacknowledged by anyone except to be driven away. She can no longer care for herself, she is filthy and matted and scarred and probably in a lot of pain, she is starving, and she has nothing but her memories of better times, and every single dawn is both a gift and a miserable curse. She gets to remember. She has to remember.
If you watch, Grizabella is onstage a LOT, she's just off in the background, usually poorly lit, where she tries to mirror the dances happening on the main part of the stage, dances she knows because that was once her, there in the spotlight, shining. But now she's in too much pain to dance and her body isn't working right anymore. I have no doubt Grizabella is dying. The question is whether she will get to do that well, comforted and with dignity, or do it badly and alone.
I cannot HANDLE Grizabella.
If you have even the tiniest inkling of love for cats, if you believe every cat's life is worth something, her story should destroy you.
The legendary Jennifer Hudson's performance in the movie brought a really angry and confrontational turn to her, and it was flat out amazing. A rebuke of a performance. It really hurts to watch but it's what the role has always needed. She isn't just weak and sad, she clings to the tatters of her dignity and is angry that the others don't see her as a whole person. Just a miserable shadow to be avoided. A cautionary tale. We are never told what terrible thing she did to deserve her fall, and given that most of the Jellicles are young, I don't know that any of them really remember.
I will physically fight anyone who says she should not have been selected to ascend to a new life. She was the only choice. Even Gus. Even him. He can have his turn next year. Grizabella does not have another year in her.
And I'm going to make some folks mad but I love the 2019 movie (it's bad) and the new song, Beautiful Ghosts, is amazing, and I DO prefer Taylor Swift's version as the movie version is a little more timid (fitting the role and musical way better) but TS fucking BELTS IT and I get chills every time.
The lyrics are incredible and the song is gorgeous, gorgeous. And strung together with Grizabella's song, it finishes the musical in a way that it was a bit unfinished before. It uses an actual full song to connect Grizabella to the Ball and the Choice more directly than any choreography ever did or could:
Victoria, the White Cat and viewpoint character, still almost a kitten, has been dumped in the street and into a terrifying and beautiful new life.
After being swept up into its wonder, she sees Grizabella, utterly rejected, hissed at, made fun of, despised, and aches with the injustice of it -- Victoria was snatched right up by the other cats the instant her paws hit the ground, but nobody will take in Grizabella. Not even her own kind.
Victoria sees how strangely similar they are and feels a kinship that has no pity in it at all, but wonder and respect.
So Victoria sings this new song expressing the first admiration Grizabella has heard in god alone knows how long, reminding her she has had an amazing life worth envy and renown, and she pulls this horrible decrepit old mess of a cat into the Jellicle Ball, where she is FINALLY relieved of her pain.
Like? I'm crying right now?
It isn't a serious musical, but Grizabella's story runs through it like a cold current, something real and terrible, surrounded by absolute ridiculousness. Her numbers are deadly serious, never played for laughs. And ultimately it is her story that turns out to be the most important one, the truest one, and it is dark, and it is hopeful but only in only the most painful and grief-stricken way. She isn't brought back into a comfortable life with other cats to be happy and surrounded by love. She essentially...dies and goes to cat heaven. She embodies hope itself to the others, and her ascension represents a deeply humbling lesson in humility and grace. Her suffering and her ascent represent the possible future of every one of them, and now they have to confront that, and their treatment of her. She was rewarded, and for all their beauty and charm they were not.
Anyway I'm not normal about it.
The lyrics from Beautiful Ghosts that I love are:
Perilous night, their voices calling. A flicker of light, before the dawning. Out here the wild ones are taming the fear within me. Scared to call them my friends and be broken again. Is this hope just a mystical dream?
and
And so maybe my home Isn't what I had known, what I thought it would be. But I feel so alive With these phantoms of night, and I know that this life isn't safe but it's wild and it's free!
Like, come on. It's a lovely song and it took my breath away in the theater.
Ugh this musical touched me as a feral cat girl of 10 and it touches me again as a sad catguy in their 40s. Truly a very stupid work of weirdly meaningful art and one for the ages.
There are much better musicals, but none of them are part of me.
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pinkeoni · 11 months
Text
El's Superhero/Monster Dichotomy
El's monster conflict starts in season one, when she blames herself for the gate opening and for Will's disappearance.
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This conflict seems to be "resolved" when she kills the actual monster, the demogorgon, making herself a hero and not a monster. This is even suggested earlier by Mike, who innocently tells El that she isn't the monster because she saved him.
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Although this "resolve" is actually quite tragic. She proves herself to be a hero which does offer a conclusion to this conflict within this season, but she sacrifices everything for this.
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This conflict comes back in full for El in season four. She no longer has her powers, and she's in a new environment where she's alienated and bullied. On top of everything, her boyfriend can't even say "I love you" to her. It's not a stretch to say that she feels monstrous.
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This is only reaffirmed for El after her incident with Angela. Now, obviously this wasn't a good thing for her to do, but El also completely disregards all of the pain that Angela made her feel, perceiving herself as this violent monster who attacks innocent girls unprovoked. We know this is what she's thinking when she says as much to the cops.
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I don’t think El wanted to kill Angela, which is why she says “I don’t know,” but she’s unsure because she’s unable to trust her own judgement. At this point she sees herself as a killing machine, so she must have wanted to kill Angela, even if that goes against her true reasoning.
Now, of course we the audience know that El isn't the monster, and everyone close to her knows this as well. But what matters isn't how others perceive her, it matters how El perceives herself.
Her argument with Mike doesn't absolve any of her feelings either, which is of no fault to either Mike nor El. El was too in her head and it wasn't something anyone could talk her out of, and she also wasn't aware of Mike's own internal conflict which was informing all of his responses. Mike can't say "I love you" to El because of his own issues, but to El, he can't say "I love you" because she is an unlovable monster.
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Mike really means well when he says "You're a superhero," but it makes things much worse in El's mind. Instead, it creates an unreasonable expectation—
El believes that if she can't save the world, then she must be a monster. She doesn't allow herself to be neither— a human being.
NINA doesn't do much to alleviate El's dichotomous thinking, if anything it only encourages it. She only shifts the monster label on to someone else, that being Papa, and since she wasn't responsible for the massacre like she, and even the audience was led to initially believe, she's able to cleanly reclaim her superhero status. She was the one who defeated the perpetrator, in a moment that visually echoes the end of season one. She's the hero again!
She marches into her battle with Henry with a new sense of high confidence. And she loses.
This isn't El's fault, but she blames herself for Max's condition anyway. Will points out that Max wouldn't even be alive if not for El, but it doesn't matter for her.
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To El, getting her powers back doesn't make her a superhero. And if she's not a superhero, well, then she must be the one who destroyed the world.
The resolve of El's conflict wasn't to get her powers back, she just believed that it would fix her problems. But the core conflict is still there— her black and white way of thinking.
So what does this mean moving forward?
Ironically, I think that El can actually learn something from Henry:
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I don't think that El's arc in the coming season is going to be about becoming the hero again, but rather unlearning this train of thought. The world isn't made of monsters and superheroes, the world is made up of human beings who all make choices, her being one of them. She isn't responsible for the decisions of others, and it isn't her responsibility to take care of the mess that others create. She's a brave girl who decided to use her powers to try and save her friends, and her failure doesn't make her guilty for the fallout.
I wouldn't be surprised if El pushes herself to be the superhero who saves the world once again, although, the show has already revealed to us what happens when she does— it destroys her.
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artiststarme · 11 months
Text
Win Some, Lose Some
Based on a prompt from @mysticcrownshipper. Thank you and I hope it meets your expectations! Please leave your thoughts in the comments.
~*~*~*~
Steve was pretty sure he was unlovable. It was the only reason that made sense as to why everyone always treated him like this. What about him made people feel the need to put him down in every conversation or ignore him completely? Neglect wasn’t a new feeling to Steve. No, he was all too used to being uncared for and left alone. He had been since his parents started leaving him for weeks at a time to go on business trips and vacations when he was nine. Neglect wasn’t new to him nor was the underappreciation and ignorance that was constantly present in the Party. Every person he talked to made him feel like an inconvenience and he was sick of it.
Robin was supposed to be his best friend, his platonic soulmate with a capital P, his ride or die. So why was she belittling him and downplaying his feelings every chance she could? Any time Steve wanted to vent about Eddie or talk about his feelings, she would shut it down. She’d tell him that Eddie was just new to relationships and that his feelings were misplaced. She made him feel the worst out of everyone in the Party because she was the one he expected to be on his side the most. Steve ignored it mostly because what else could he do? Call her on it and risk losing her completely? No, it was best to push down his ‘misplaced feelings’ and pretend to laugh when she put him down. It’s not like he didn’t have the practice.
The kids were just as awful as they always were, completely taking him for granted. They expected Steve to give up everything without giving anything back. He has a date with Eddie that night? They want him to drop it and give them a ride to the pool. He has a headache and doesn’t feel like doing anything? Who cares, they need him to watch their DnD campaign. Oh, he doesn’t have enough money for groceries that week? He has to have enough to give them some for the arcade though, right?
Eddie certainly wasn’t helping either. He was constantly neglecting their relationship and placing it as his lowest priority. Steve would go out of his way to make plans with him only for him to cancel last minute or neglect to show at all. He’d go without calling Steve for days, blow him off when he did something nice for him, and poke fun at Steve’s expense to make the others laugh. It was to the point where it wasn’t making just Steve uncomfortable but the Corroded Coffin boys as well. 
He thought he was hiding his hurt feelings pretty well but when Eddie said a comment that hit a little too close to home for him, Steve ducked out of his own dining room to smoke a cigarette he definitely didn’t need. When he heard his sliding door inch open, he hoped that it would be Eddie coming to apologize but it turned out to be a worried Jeff instead. 
“Hey man, you alright?” He asked him, his eyes glimmering in concern. 
“Yeah, man,” Steve nodded before taking a long drag. “It’s fine, he does that all the time. It’s cool.”
Jeff didn’t look convinced and narrowed his eyes at the half-burnt cigarette. “It’s not cool at all. Why are you smoking, I thought you quit?”
Steve sighed, “yeah well, I couldn’t kick it completely. It makes a good excuse for when I need a break. Plus, Wayne is a really bad role model and keeps buying an extra pack for me when he gets his. I don’t have the heart to tell him I’m thinking of quitting, he’d be crushed.”
“I get it.”
There was a moment of silence between the two of them when Jeff spoke again. “Hey, you want to hang out at band practice with the guys and I on Monday? Eddie won’t be there but you could just hang with us.”
“You want to hang out with me without Eddie? You guys don’t even like me.” Steve told him deadpan. 
“What? Yes we do! We think you’re cool and if you ever want to swing by, we’d love to have you. We need an unbiased judge for our music.”
Steve hummed, “okay, what time on Monday?”
“Um, I think eleven. AM, not PM. Just come and hang out with us in Gareth’s garage. His mom is making tuna salad for us,” Jeff added. 
“Well how could I ever resist tuna salad?” Steve laughed, it felt like a long time since he’s done that. 
Jeff pointed at him, “that’s what I’m saying! And ditch the cigarettes, you won’t need a break with us. We won’t treat you like that.”
Steve nodded as Jeff went back inside. It was nice to be invited somewhere without an ulterior motive. Steve found himself looking forward to Monday so he could just relax without having to fake a part. He was excited and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt that way.
~*~*~*~
Word must have spread after that because suddenly, everyone outside of the main Party members wanted to hang out. The Corroded Coffin boys were teaching him how to play guitar and making him sing choruses alongside Jeff. Nancy was inviting Steve over for girl’s night to talk shit about Eddie and Robin. Murray was luring Steve to his bunker with promises of authentic Russian vodka and “sticking it to the man”, Steve didn’t accept that offer but he did appreciate it. Even Hopper and Joyce were inviting him out for milkshakes and basketball practice. 
Steve was having the most fun though with Phil and his new boyfriend Dio. Dio was a goth, twenty something with a sarcastic personality and a stupid sense of humor that complemented Phil’s. Just looking at him, Steve could tell that he and Phil shared a type (a fact often laughed at by Dio). It seemed they both went for alternative guys with shitty tastes in music. When Phil had first introduced the two, they had both been wary of one another; Steve because the guy looked like the type to stab his enemies and Dio because this preppy jock could out him and ruin his life. They soon found common ground however over their love of horror movies and Queen music. Now, Steve saw Dio as another older brother of sorts and couldn’t picture Phil with anyone else. 
 They invited him over biweekly for dinner and movie nights with horror films that left Steve itching with anxiety. But he was finally having fun. With all of the unexpected invites, he didn’t have any time to spend with the Party. Soon, he found out that that was intentional.  
He made a comment to Phil and Dio at one of their dinners that he hadn’t seen any of the Party in a while and that it almost seemed like he was avoiding them to hang out with other people. They both just looked at him blankly and Phil told him deadpan, “Well, duh. We made a plan to keep them away from you, we’re not going to make it easy on them. Now eat your green beans before they go cold.”
Steve just blinked at him. “What do you mean you made a plan? I’m confused.”
Dio gave Phil the side-eye and smiled a strained smile at Steve. “Alright look, we heard from your band friend that your other friends were being dumbasses and decided that they needed a time out. But you didn’t deserve to suffer so we made plans with you to keep you busy and to keep them away. Got it?”
No, Steve did not ‘get it’. 
“Why would you do that? That’s just how they are.”
Phil whipped his head up and almost knocked over his glass of chocolate milk in his haste to point a finger at Steve. “Excuse me?! They’ve been this way the whole time? Then why the hell are you friends with them?”
Steve blinked. “Because they want to be friends with me. It’s not like many people want to.”
Both Phil and Dio stared at him in sadness. They clearly didn’t see that coming. They looked at each other, back at Steve, then back at each other before Dio spoke. 
“We have to step it up then and really make them suffer. Here’s what we’re going to do, we’re going to make them jealous. If they haven’t realized that we’re trying to steal you already, they will soon enough. I’ll make the calls and we can really escalate things.”
“What the hell, um no. Let’s not do that? I just- what?” Steve stammered. 
“No, just trust me. We can make them really jealous with this plan. I’ve done it before, I’m a pro at getting revenge,” Dio smirked at him. 
Steve just stared at him and Phil nodded in agreement. 
“That’s true,” he said through a mouthful of green beans. “He’s gay and vengeful, that’s the worst kind. But remember, I’m an officer of the law so you have to keep it legal this time.”
“This time?!”
~*~*~*~
Dio wasn’t kidding about his revenge plan. He started coming around to Family Video on his lunch breaks in an attempt to confuse Eddie. He had the Corroded Coffin boys inviting Steve over almost daily and even Uncle Wayne taking him out for coffee and donuts. It was all Steve had ever wanted and deep down, he was a little sad that it had to be an act. 
Three weeks in though, the Party started to notice and it was all worth it. The kids came in to glare at the random goth weirdo that was monopolizing his time at work and complained to each other that their calls to the Harrington house were going unanswered. 
Robin was stuck working with Keith when Steve switched his shifts and her attempts to brag about Vickie went unanswered on the walkie. She couldn’t help but wonder where her best friend had gone or what had caused his absence. 
Eddie kept seeing Steve leave Gareth’s garage right as he got there and whenever he asked the guys, he got a disinterested, “yeah, we’re teaching him how to play the guitar. He was just stopping by.”
He reached a breaking point when he walked into Family Video to see a goth standing shoulder to shoulder with Steve in the horror section. Steve was smiling and nodding along to whatever the guy was saying and Eddie had had enough. 
“Hey! Who are you? Why are you standing so close to him huh? He’s taken!”
Steve just looked at him unimpressed. “Oh, are we still dating? I wasn’t sure considering you haven’t talked to me in three weeks.”
“What, three weeks? It hasn’t been that long. Even still, you’re going to go after a goth? What the fuck, Steve?” Eddie shook his head at him like Steve was in the wrong. 
“This is my brother’s boyfriend, Dio. We’re trying to pick out a movie that’s going to scare Phil. Not that it’s any of your business.”
“Oh, um. Can we talk?” Eddie murmured, chagrined. 
“No, I don’t think we should. There’s literally nothing you could say to make me forgive any of you. You, Robin, and the kids have ignored me for weeks and I didn’t even do anything wrong. And now you’re jealous because I’m talking to a guy that’s not you? No.”
Eddie’s face dropped. “Are you, are you breaking up with me?”
Steve’s mouth twisted, this hadn’t been part of the original plan but it did feel right. “Yeah, I am.”
“Um, okay. I’m gonna, I'm gonna go,” Eddie whispered before darting out of the store. 
Steve sadly watched him leave as Dio just looked between him and the door. “Well goddamn, you broke up with him? The whole plan was for everyone to make him jealous so he treated you better. I didn’t know that you wanted to dump him.”
“I didn’t either. But these past few weeks have taught me that the Party really aren’t great friends to have. And Eddie isn’t really a good boyfriend. I don’t want to go back to how it was,” Steve murmured. His chest felt heavy with loss and he could feel a tension headache creeping in. 
“Hey, look at me,” Dio met his eyes and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. “You have to do what’s right for you and if that means cutting ties with toxic people, that’s what you have to do. There’s no shame in that.”
Steve nodded at him and broke away from his hold to get back to work. It was going to take some adjusting to losing the Party but it was the best thing for now. He’d been put down and mistreated too much by them to let them so easily off the hook once again. It was about time he put himself first, even if it meant losing the friends he’d thought he’d never lose.
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nevermore-baby · 1 year
Text
Everyone talks about inexperienced!reader, but what about reader who has experience but most of her relationships were kinda bad and a bit traumatic. Some focused on her body rather than her as a person, some outright telling her she’s “mid”, or that her body could have been better, some rarely showing any affection. She doesn’t think she’s necessarily ugly or unlovable - she loves herself - but she doesn’t expect anyone else to see it. 
so, here are some thoughts of mine (nsfw, minors don't interact)
When you first get with Steve, you don’t expect him to be “enamored” by your beauty, you’re just kinda happy he found you attractive enough. You try to take it slow, and you’re surprised Steve has been going with it and not pushing. You cuddle sometimes, and you hear Steve call you “beautiful” for the first time. You’re startled but you just brush it off, thinking of it as a universal compliment he gives every girl. You catch Steve staring at you sometimes while you’re cooking, or reading, and whenever you look up all confused he shrugs, saying “I just love looking at you”.
And Steve, gosh, he’s just so whipped for you and it hurts to see you so confused when you get the smallest compliment. He hasn’t even started yet, it’s just the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes he just wants to kiss your face all over, sniff your hair, tell you just how god damn beautiful are you, especially when you’re sitting there all focused, doing your homework, or when you talk so passionately about things you love, but he doesn’t yet, he doesn’t wanna scare you away with the intensity of his love, doesn’t want to seem like he’s trying to get into your pants. It’s not like he doesn’t want to - he does, he would give so much just to see you fall apart beneath him - but he wants you to be ready and he wants to find the right time, so he waits.
There’s one time you are watching a movie, and Steve feels his cock harden, bulge too prominent under his thin pyjama pants. It’s not surprising, when you’re sitting right there, face lit up by the tv screen, hand resting gently on Steve’s chest. He doesn’t want you to notice, but you do - and you try to move your hand lower, eyes looking suggestive, but Steve stops you, cupping your hand and swirling it away gently. You look at him with confused pout, and when he asks why, you just ask: “don’t you want me to… help you with that? Suck you off or something?” And Steve's heart just breaks, he simply tells you to focus on the movie. You do, but neither of you really pay attention to it, both too deep in your thoughts. You’re just thinking about how grateful you are for Steve being understanding, and Steve is thinking about how he wants to take you in and never let you go and just shower you with love and affection you deserve.
Later that night, Steve sits you down on the bed and gives you a little talk on how those things just happen and it’s natural but it doesn’t mean something has to happen, because sex is always about both of you. And you just feel so stupid, because it’s not like you don’t know this, you’ve just conditioned yourself to respond like that because that’s what was expected of you before. You don’t want to cry, but you still do, because you realise how bad your previous relationships were, and how you don’t really know what love is, and Steve stays quiet, giving you time to process. He just sits you on his lap - nothing sexual, just bringing you closer - and kisses your tears and holds you until you stop shaking ever so slightly in his arms and you look up at him, smiling softly, you both leaning in for a kiss, ending up just bumping each other’s noses and laughing.
Then, you get ice cream and you get back to bed and you just talk. You talk about everything, conversation slowly slipping towards your past relationships, and you both share a good deal of personal things, opening up to one another. You talk about sex, and what you expect from it, and you just sit there awestruck from how carefully Steve listened to you and how he asked questioned and shared his ideas too.
When you do have your first sex, he wants to make it clear that it’s not just about him, it’s about you and him as a couple, and for the first 20 minutes he just touches you, hands sliding all over - not only your boobs or thighs, but your shoulders and your tummy and anything he can reach. You do the same, eventually both of you take your clothes off and for a few minutes you just lay there, both taking each other in, eyes gliding down.  He fingers you for a long time, thumb circling your clit, sending waves of pleasure throughout your body. He keeps on going until you are whining and twisting around, finally giving in and moving up, slowly pushing the head in. Your brows are furrowed and you seem tense and rigid, so Steve stops, kissing your face and neck, murmuring about how beautiful you are and how much he loves you, and he says something that makes you laugh softly, before driving in an inch more. He caught you of guard there, your face finally relaxing and softening, and he can feel you get impatient, so when he knows you’re ready, he pushes all the way in until your hips touch, and that’s when Steve reaches his limit, he just tells you all the sweet things he has to say, about how you’re the most beautiful girl he has ever seen, and how lucky he feels to get to see and feel you, while slowly pumping in and out of you, following your reaction closely. You stay quiet, overwhelmed with feelings and emotions, but when you’re done, when you’re laying there all sweaty and tired, but happy, you finally realise how much you have to give and how much you haven’t been giving, so you do.
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littlemoon-beam · 9 months
Text
1,315 words of Dewdrop angst. I’m sorry. If it helps it hurt me too.
Under the cut or here 
Dewdrop stands stock still, backlit by the blinding sun shining through the window in Aether's room.
He can't move aside from the tremors in his hands as he watches him shove his belongings into duffle bags, can barely breathe as he watches the room go devoid of everything that looks feels smells like Aether.
Aether flutters around quickly, jerky movements as he tries to make it seem like he never existed.
Papa said he'd been called away, can help more at another Abbey but all Dew can think is that he's running. That he's standing there in front of Dew, spitting in his face and turning his back on him.
Just like everyone before him.
He's been here before. Ifrit, Mist, Omega...Terzo. They all left, every single one gone, leaving Dew shaking and losing bits of himself every single time.
Mountain stayed, and so had Aether. Now...now...
He feels like he's knees are going to buckle, like he's going to fall and shatter against the floor right there and there will be nothing left of him, nothing left to leave behind.
They all leave.
He thinks maybe it's him. He wonders if he had been too much, always too much. Too needy as a water ghoul, clingy and desperate to be loved. That had changed, he'd shifted, the soft edges the water had carefully crafted in him now burnt, rocky planes that lash out, biting and sharp.
Now he's too much in another way, too loud, too angry, too unsteady in his new element, burning things to ash just because he could.
He wonders if he burned Aether one time too many.
Aether zips the last bag and turns to face Dew, his eyes are sad but his shoulders are set, he's more than made up his mind.
He pauses in front of the little fire ghoul and Dew wants to throw himself at his feet, to beg him to stay, to promise he'll be better, he'll be good.
Aether touches his cheek and it feels like a slap, he holds him there, looks down into his eyes.
"I love you Dewdrop, that's never going to change."
But Dew knows a lie when he sees one, knows that if that were true he wouldn't be leaving him behind.
You promised, you swore you wouldn't leave. Everyone else left and you promised Aether, not you, never you
But he says nothing, just lets his eyes shut as he soaks up as much of Aether as he can before he's gone.
The quintessence ghoul rubs his thumb over the sharp point of Dew's cheekbone, rubbing gently, smiling a little broken twist of his lips and he leans in, one last chaste kiss to Dew's lips.
"Be good, firefly."
And he leaves, walks away.
From everything.
From Dew.
He's sure Aether must have reached into his chest and plucked his heart out, shoved it in his pocket and took it with him when he left because he feels empty, hollow, a shell standing there just waiting for a storm to come and knock him over.
There is no storm. There's nothing. Just an empty room that smells of Aether, of home, of the one thing that always felt like safe for the little ghoul who had already lost so much.
He doesn't know when he ends up in the middle of the room, arms locked tight around his middle, trying to hold himself together when he can feel the cracks taking over.
He's on his knees, sobbing, wailing, claws digging into his sides, ripping at his hair. He doesn't understand. Why is he so...so...
Unlovable.
Why do they leave? Why does everyone leave?
He's the common denominator, he has to be the reason, something bent and broken, burned and left wrong and now no one stays. He wants to throw himself at Papa's feet, beg him to save the pack and throw him back into the pits because it's only a matter of time before the others follow in Aether's footsteps.
He rocks himself, knees biting in the hard wood of the floor, bruises blossoming under his skin and he focuses on the pain, on the stiffness in his knees, trying to draw clarity from it.
But there is nothing, just empty blackness, a shadow in the shape of Aether, of the ghoul he trusted, loved, held above all else.
He thinks it might mock him, might laugh and snarl out bitter words that are like spears into his sides. He takes it, takes whatever that ghostly voice has to say because at least it vaguely sounds like him.
He'll cling on to those words with both hands even as they slit his wrists.
He stays there, sitting alone, room gone black, rocking and sobbing, begging that disembodied voice to keep talking, please just keep talking because the pain in the silence is worse than anything this voice could ever say to him. The absence of Aether is the worst pain of all.
He thinks he might hear Rain, somewhere far off and distant, yelling something, calling out for help, thinks he might feel cool hands on his face but he can't see.
He focuses harder on the ghost, the demon, the whatever that hurts so wonderfully and closes his eyes, the sting of hot tears running down his cheeks.
He feels arms around him and the earth isn't under him anymore and he knows without opening his eyes that Mountain has picked him up.
He thrashes in his grip but the giant just holds tighter.
No don't take me out, leave me here he's still here Mountain he's still here don't make me leave him
But he's silent, cries and gasps for air against Mountains chest.
"Oh Dewdrop, little one, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
He's mumbling, low, deep in his chest and Dew can feel it rumbling against him and he tries to lean into it more.
Mountain bathes him, holds him tight as he washes away tears and blood from his sides where his claws had dug in deep, keeps hands on him at all times and keeps talking, keeps his voice careful, soothing, praising and pleading.
He drags Dew into his nest and crushes him against his chest. His big hands run down his back, in his hair and he kisses his forehead.
"I'm right here, Dew, you're not alone."
And Mountain knows, he's been here as many times as Dew has and it has to hurt him too but Dew's selfish, needs more than Mountain could ever want to give him and he shrinks in on himself.
"Those words in your head are lies, my love. I'm right here." He pulls Dew's hands up to rest over his heart.
He can't breathe, everything is fading around the edges and he tries, he tries so hard to hear Mountain, to listen, to do whatever he has to to be good to be a better ghoul that doesn't make them all want to run.
"I love you Dewdrop, I love you more than you could ever know." He presses kisses to his hair, down his cheeks, pulls him impossibly closer.
The ghostly voice is still there, still sinking its claws into the corners of Dew's mind. Tells him he's worthless, that he's never going to be what they all need, that he might as well end it, leave, do them all a favor.
"You're not alone, baby, I have you, I've got you, you're safe." Mountain promises.
And Dew wants to lose himself in those words, in the way Mountain promises all the right things, all the things that Dewdrop needs so desperately.
But he's heard them all before, heard them time and time again from lips that kissed his own and vowed to stay with him, to protect him, to love him.
He's not sure he can believe in them anymore.
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drifting-bones · 4 months
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i'm just trying to think about what the fuck about me is so unlovable that some of my best friends decided it straight up wasn't worth it to try to save our friendship. is it because of all of the shit that i was already working on? is there something else i need to do? what the fuck do i need to do to stop being so fucking easy for people to abandon? what the fuck is wrong with me, why the fuck does this keep happening? i was trying my hardest and putting everything into this and somehow that still wasn't enough. am i just never going to be enough of a whole person for people to like me? why the fuck do i ruin fucking everything? i swear to god i'm cursed. or maybe i'm just too fucking mentally ill for everyone i fucking meet. i still hate how it always felt like it was okay for them to have issues and how even if they upset me "oh they have their own issues to work through so you know! it happens!" but when i have a fucking problem? "you need to do better and stop doing this and start doing that and listen to what i'm telling you to do and you'll just be better and i'll stop getting upset with you!" fuck this shit. how the fuck am i supposed to think i'm anything better than disposable when everyone who i love eventually decides i'm impossible to love and just fucking vanishes instead of even thinking i'm worth the time to speak to.
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kissesforsatoru · 10 months
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WAS IT A GENERAL YAN WAKA HC- IF SO YES BUF ALSO IF UOU ASK WHICH WAKA SPEFCICALLY BD WAKA BD BUT YOU CAN DO ALL TIMELINES
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pairings : wakasa x gn!reader
summary : general yan! bd! waka hc's
⤷ cw : NSFW 18+, general yandere themes, possessiveness/obsessiveness, manipulation, gaslighting, isolation, bullying, mind break, overstim, cock warming, unhealthy relationships.
notes : i got so carried away with this, this might just be my longest hc's yet 😭
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- wakasa wouldn’t necessarily be yandere right away, i don’t think; instead, he’d actually be pretty normal with you at first. you know, treat you right and all that other good stuff. the only thing off about him in the beginning is how possessive he is. he can get carried away with love bites and keep sucking sensually on your skin even as you whine for him to stop 'cause that hurts, but he’ll just pop off your neck with a lazy smile and tell you he’s sorry (he’s not). or he’ll glare intensely at guys and girls that got too close to you, all while keeping his arms tightly around your waist. but you think to yourself that it’s not that bad—that’s his only flaw, so it’s okay, right? wrong. sooo wrong.
- with him it’s a slow build, where the longer the relationship between the two of you goes on, the more his red flags start to show, but even when they do, you won’t notice them. wakasa is a very manipulative yandere, and he’ll subtly condition you to think that what he’s doing is normal or that you’re being irrational for lashing out at him. he keeps you nice and wrapped around his finger from the very beginning, making sure that you will listen to him no matter what he does.
- the first really big yandere-like thing he does is isolate you. he’ll tell you he doesn’t like your friends because they’re too touchy or they’re not good for you, he’ll tell you that your family is too controlling and that you should cut them off for continuously meddling in your relationship. you might not notice wakas red flags, but your friends and family certainly do, and they aren’t just going to sit back and let you fall deeper into a toxic relationship, but waka is quick to get them out of your life. he’ll tell you that you don’t need them anyway because you have him—he’s the only one you need, that you’ll ever need. he can take care of you, provide for you, support you, and love you far better than any of them ever could so just forget about them.
- waka is very stalker-ish despite the fact that you’re already his. he’ll have a tracker on your phone so he can know where you are at all times, he’ll have cameras in your apartment so he can know what you’re doing and who comes over, and when you move to his apartment, he’ll put cameras there too. waka will also make multiple social media accounts that he’ll mostly use to stalk you with, but he’ll also use them to rile you up and say vile things to you, spread rumors about you, i'm talking hard core bully you until your self-confidence and sense of self-worth are absolutely destroyed, all so he can have you for himself. he wants to be the only one you trust, the only one you think can properly love you since everyone else seems to think that you're disgusting and unlovable. of course, you don't know about any of this, waka is very secretive about it, so you never find out.
- with how much bullying he puts you through, waka is able to blame his possessiveness on protectiveness instead, telling you that he has to keep everyone away from you so you don't get hurt anymore, and obviously you're going to believe him because he's the only one you can trust. he'll tell you never to leave the house without him unless you absolutely have to, and if you do then you have to tell him where you're going and why you can't wait for him to go with you. he'll keep your neck nice and marked up for when the two of you do go out together so other people get the hint. he's never too far away from you anyway, at least an arm's reach away at all times so he can easily grab onto you whenever he wants. he also constantly reminds you that you're his, and that he's the only one who can love you properly, nobody else will ever be able to compare to him. and if you ever doubt him, he'll just bully you even more to remind you that he's all you'll ever have.
"you're mine, baby. nobody else can take care of you like i do."
"you don't need anyone else, they'll just use you or hurt you, so keep relying on only me, yeah? i'll treat you right like you deserve."
- waka has a lot of experience with sex. he knows all the right places to make someone absolutely writhe and scream under him, but he especially knows how to make you feel good. whether he's using his tongue, fingers, or his cock, it doesn't matter, you'll be seeing stars either way. i don't see waka being the kind of guy that praises a lot during sex, he's much dirtier with his words and likes to tease more than anything else, but if his darling is especially broken by all the bullying, he might just whisper praises in your ear as he fucks you. he shows you his love through his actions, makes you feel good with light kisses all over your body, and all-consuming, sloppy kisses to your pretty mouth. his hands explore your body fervently, rubbing on your most sensitive parts to draw out delicious reactions from you—he adores the sound of your whimpers and moans, absolutely eats them up no matter how many times he hears them. i don't know why, but i feel like he'd like to please you more than he likes for you to please him. i think he might just get more of a kick out of knowing he's pleasing you well, and he does please you well. of course, he loves to fuck you rough and use you however he likes to get off still, but seeing you all jumpy and touch sensitive after he's sucked on you for a while just turns him on like nothing else.
"oh, right there? you like that? does my baby want me to go faster? aw, poor thing. shh, i'll take care of you."
"just lay down, baby. i know you'll feel much better after i fuck you."
- waka takes to sexual punishments more than other kinds of punishments. if you act out, he sees it as you just wanting his attention, so he fucks you to set you straight. overstim is his favorite punishment, i think, because he'll fuck you so dumb you just forget about defying him, all you'll be able to think about is his cock and how good he makes you feel. otherwise, he'll make you either cock warm him or fuck yourself on his thigh as punishment. he'll wait till you're wiggling desperately on him, trying to find a release, and then he'll make you beg him to fuck you. shows you that you can't do anything without him, that you need him to do even the littlest things like please yourself.
- if you do something really bad, like try to break up with him or anything like that, then he'll just lock you up somewhere in his house and leave you there. he won't talk to you or even look at you, he'll just drop off your food and leave again. he can do this for months. he wants to ensure that you won't ever try to do something like that again all while enforcing your dependency on him. isolation is the best way to make a person lose all independence, and waka takes complete advantage of that. he'll wait until you won't even be able to think of leaving him again without having a breakdown.
- honestly yan waka is just a sneaky bastard that uses extreme forms of manipulation to get what he wants, which is actually so terrifying. he's amongst the top scariest tokrev yans.
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