#why can’t anything just make me happy

[letmeaddalittlebitofspice]

GO season 2 spoilers!!!

“Aziraphale rejected Crowley”

Did we watch the same show???

Ever since 1941 with the books, Aziraphale has KNOWN that he is head over heels in love with Crowley. Michael Sheen said it himself!! Between the two of them, Aziraphale realized his feelings first. Of course he felt like he shouldn’t because that little angel is jam PACKED with religious trauma and catholic guilt. He never wanted to be without Crowley. Because they are the only two who understand eachother. And oh yeah- they’re GAY.

When Metacunt asks Aziraphale to be the new head angel, Aziraphales FIRST response is “but i don’t want to go back to heaven” because he doesn’t think he can take Crowley with him (and ofc bc he loves earth). When Meta offers that Aziraphale could make Crowley an angel too, Aziraphale starts to consider the offer. Crowley had helped Aziraphale understand that Heaven was toxic, but now Aziraphale has a chance to change it. He sees this as his chance to fix Heaven, save the Earth, AND be with Crowley, all at the same time.

But Meta knows Crowley won’t want to become an angel. He sees Aziraphale and Crowley working together as too powerful, together they are far too strong. We saw that with the massive miracle they combined on. BUT if Meta can control Aziraphale, he can control Crowley too. All he needed was the opportunity to take Aziraphale away from Crowley.

Aziraphale goes back to Crowley with what he thinks is the perfect solution to all of their problems. Crowley shuts him down, because he thinks that there is no saving Heaven. He likes the life that they have carved out for themselves on Earth and doesn’t want it to change. It’s the same argument from season 1. Crowley wants them to run away together and damn the rest. Aziraphale wants to stay and fix things.

When Crowley confesses, Aziraphale doesn’t say no. He never says that the feeling isn’t mutual. Want he’s saying is “yes, and we can be together in heaven.” But Crowley doesn’t want that. The miscommunication is Aziraphale thinks Crowley hates Heaven more than he loves Aziraphale, and Crowley thinks that Aziraphale loves Heaven more than he loves Crowley. AND THEYRE BOTH WRONG. Nina and Maggie were right, these two idiots don’t talk. Not about what really matters.

The kiss is angry. It’s full of frustration and regret. It’s Crowley saying “look at what you do to me. why can’t you stay for me.” Aziraphale kisses him back. He’s holding him close like he doesn’t want the kiss to ever stop. Cause once it does, Crowley will leave. They’re both shaking because there’s so much emotion in these 7 minutes. And isn’t that so human.

Back to my main point. Please note that Aziraphale is not the one that pulls away from the kiss. It’s Crowley that breaks it (always the first to run away, huh). And GOD. Aziraphale looks so hurt after the kiss. Crowley leaves and he touches his hand to his lips like he doesn’t want that feeling to go away. Meta walks back in, and for a short second Aziraphale thinks it’s Crowley, but when he sees it’s Meta he turns away and wipes his tears.

They are so perfect for eachother but holy fuck they really need this break so they can GET THEIR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER.

anyways. i love them.

#this is also why i can’t accept the coffee theory/any brainwashing theory #the decision is just so Aziraphale #it’s in character for him #whether we like it or not #that is to say #i don’t think the ‘Give me coffee or give me death’ thing doesn’t add into anything #i think that if Aziraphale HAD turned down the offer to lead heaven #Meta probably would’ve killed him and Crowley #Love that we’re referring to Meta as Metacunt #cuz that’s what he is #these gay people make me so distraught #why can’t they be happy #i’m going to hunt neil gaiman for sport #/pos #Good Omens #good omens 2 #good omens crowley #good omens aziraphale #ineffable husbands #crowley #aziraphale #i am an Aziraphale defender until my last breath #my babygirl could do nothing wrong

[that-was-anticlimactic]

one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t

#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap #bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU #lol idk why my head is so bad today #the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it #i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!! #but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do #oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse #sorry guys needed to rant #the inadequacy was strong today #something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like #i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me. #and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but #my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m #missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids #who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me #for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just— #sorry #that felt good actually #idk what came over me #imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags #sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh #okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is

[goldenhypen]

ok here’s my orange blood song ranking for now but ik 100% for a fact this is gonna change tomorrow:

orange flower

mortal

blind

sweet venom

still monster

#ok if i had to explain how happy orange flower makes me… #just imagine if fate was a whole song #that’s how happy orange flower makes me #listening to it is making me tear up and i don’t even understand what they’re singing but i love it 😭 #to all the kpop haters who say ‘why do you like kpop you can’t even understand what they’re saying’ #cuz literally just the music itself is enough to convey everything one ever needed i swear 😭 #i love orange flower sm 😭 #also i’m a sucker for title tracks and i love sweet venom sm already and so it’s def gonna go up the ranking rq #and still monster are you kidding me???? i LOVEEE IT #so yeah idk how or why it’s last #i truly love every song here it pains me to put anything below no. 1 <//3 #em speaks

[thebestusernamepossible]

Listen, I love the LGBTQ+ community as much as any other queer person. But we have got to stop ostracizing people in our community to fit in with cishetallo people.

Some of y’all really do go ‘these are the acceptable boxes for queer people and their definitions, anyone outside of these is actually not queer and making us look bad’ and act like that’s ok. Now that being queer is generally acceptable in online/progressive areas (as long as you are one of the ‘well known’ orientations), a big part of the community has started regulating what’s ‘acceptable’ of a queer person and how we should fit into society.

I’ll see people hating on trans people who don’t fit into the ‘normal’ expectation of ‘Trans girl, Trans boy, or Non-binary’ or use Neo pronouns because that’s how they feel the most comfortable. I’ll see people hating on queer people who don’t like labels ( or try to assign people one even if they don’t want it). Or people who use a label in a way they don’t like (bi people who mostly date the opposite sex, lesbians who use pronouns other than just she/her, gender non-conforming people who don’t identify as trans, obscure micro-labels, etc.)

And it’s so frustrating because we as LGBTQ+ are supposed to be better!!! We are supposed to empathize with the feeling of not fitting in with regular society and help others like us! But the community has become part of the oppressive ‘societal standard’ for some people.

Some people just can’t be put into a perfect little label box and a lot of y’all aren’t cool about that. And I can’t believe I have to tell my fellow queers this, but there is nothing wrong with denying societal standards in order to live in the way that is genuine to you and makes you happy. End of story. If you disagree with that, look inward at your internal biases and try and fix that. Get rid of the cop in your brain telling you that you have to police others self-expression.

#look man I am just TIRED of having to pick from a bunch of different boxes to feel like I’m REALLY LGBTQ+ #as far as I care I’m queer #and if that label changes as I grow? #good for me #That’s something y’all need to get cool with too #labels changing over time #I just don’t feel like most big labels really fit me and I don’t really want to use micro labels #not a micro-label hate post btw #love y’all and glad you’re happy- it’s just not for me #like you could probably find some obscure aspects label to describe me #but is that anyones business other than maybe my future partner if I get one? #I don’t OWE people an explanation to me and how I experience attraction #I’m also tired of seeing people shoved into being LGBTQ+ just for going beyond gender norms #like y’all will say ‘yeah I’m normal about feminine men’ but won’t believe that a feminine man is cishetallo #which in turn is why a lot of cishetallo men don’t feel comfortable being feminine #I have a lot of feelings about this #but anyway you don’t owe society anything and you shouldn’t have to change how you present yourself to make them happy #unless you are actively harming someone by being yourself then I don’t care and I support you #actively harming in a ‘purposefuly harming someone’ way -not in a ‘you make other queer people look bad by not conforming to the norm’ way #I love the queer community if you can’t tell tho #I just think we can do better #cw queer #I like the label and I use it #but I get why some of y’all might not #gay #LGBT #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbtq community #queer

[godblooded]

christ almighty i miss being happy.

#ooc. o kaptain. #[i got Taco Bell. and now it’s…. making myself want to consume it because i feel like a hollow void. this sucks. when does this end??? i #literally haven’t done anything for myself in like a month and it’s slowly driving my ass insane. i literally cannot remember the last time #i actually went to visit someone or like. really hung out with somebody. and I don’t have the money and I don’t have the time and I just.. #feel very sad about it. I can’t remember the last time I went on any kind of vacation but it was before my mom died. and let me tell you. #feeling like you’re trapped in a never ending loop with nothing to look forward to is… difficult. don’t mind me I’m rambling. I’m gonna go #write I just… I’m having a moment where I hate everything and I deeply miss happiness. looking forward to things. feeling loved.] #venting / #parental death / #negativity / #[I don’t know why I miss my mom so bad suddenly but I do.]

[starcrossedandstupid]

Do you ever see someone do something and you just go

‘wow that’s so sweet. why not me, pretty please?’ And then keep it to yourself forever because you think it’s stupid

me neither haha wdym what are you talking about

#like I just just be happy with what I get yk #and I can’t control who anyone gives that sort of thing to #if it isn’t me I don’t want to force them to by asking #like if they wouldn’t naturally I don’t want to make anyone do anything #I’m such a hypocrite though #because I would want other people to tell me #but I’ve accepted that #because I don’t speak for everyone anyways #but it’s just super sweet and I find out why someone is doing it #And I’m like #hmmm #same bestie #but sounds like either you don’t care or I hide better than whoever #probably both tbh #but it’s hold everyone else is dealing my cards #so who am I to change it lmao #shittier post #if you know me irl just assume this isn’t about you btw #will they see it roulette

[quietwingsinthesky]

at some point i am going to have to force even to go back and deal with donna & tentoo & rose & all and everything they ran away from. and that will probably involve them losing tentoo’s chameleon arch watch by giving it back to its rightful owner, whether she chooses to open it or not. and that is. not going to be a very fun or stable time for them.

#this part is v vague and fuzzy because i want to watch the rest of 12 & 13 and finish the doctor/donna specials before i set anything in #stone about it. but i think i need to rearrange some things in the timeline here vis a vis when the doctor is also forced to go back and #deal with his baggage. #i dont think 14 exists in even’s universe for this reason. and for the reason of tentoo kind of taking on his role? the human part of the #doctor who can stay with donna & with rose. #she’s also trans to me because i love trans!tentoo. her name is johanna. i think it’s pretty. i make a singular exception to my rule of #never changing characters names when i trans them. #but i think. what im getting at here is that this cant be a happy ending. not so cleanly. its more bittersweet. #like i think this version of the story. what i have so far. donna does remember. (tentoo doesn’t but that’s because she’s become her own #person. the doctor is who she came from but she isn’t just the doctor anymore.) and rose knows her doctor is out there and loves her but #she has her wife at home. #and even. oh even. you can’t hold onto a heart that’s not yours forever. you have to give it back. #this. i think. is a moment of respite and recovery for the doctor. and a really really low point for even. however this works out. #its not perfect but there’s kindness in it. and there’s a home to go back to. if they can bear it. both of them. #but like i said. this is all preliminary based on what i might play around with here. and how watching more of the show changes my ideas. #but i think. whatever revelations come in 13’s arc. i think in even’s universe they have to come after donna. i’ll find a way to make it #work. #but mostly right now the important thing is forcing even to give up the watch because why would i let them have one single comfort object <3 #dw oc

[milo-is-rambling]

Omg yesterday at my moms therapy I said how well I had been doing and feeling like I can actually handle life and my mom was immediately like “that’s because you’ve been taking your meds regularly again” and like completely brushed off any progress I had actually made and I had to be like yeah totally that’s it that’s why exactly when I haven’t taken my meds for a week straight in idk how long

#I was like yup totally that sure is why I’ve been feeling good totally #not at all that I’ve been spending time to do things I like and journal and process my feelings in healthy ways or that I am consciously #making strides towards regular person sanity #and she fucking brought up adhd meds again like FUCK OFFFFFFF HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY I DONT WANT TO TAKE THEM BEFORE IT CLICKS #I. DONT. WANT. TO. TAKE. THEM. they are a tool in MY mental health toolbox bitch back off my toolbox I know you fucking live adhd meds and #won’t shut up about them but I am happy now and I don’t like my brain on adhd meds and the only reason you want me on them is because you #like me more when I’m doing stereotypically productive tasks so you’d rather have me cleaning the house and not doing the shit I love than #you would have me not taking my meds and making art and writing poetry #like god #she just doesn’t fucking get it #I cannot create when I take adhd meds. that part of my brain just like dissolves. #the way I work is that constantly I have a million projects on the back burner in my mind and when I get inspired I make one #when I take my adhd meds I can’t just pick up a fun project I don’t get those ideas I can’t write poetry I can’t make art it’s like it sever #severs the line between my creative mind and my regular mind and I have nothing in my life that I need to be THAT focused on right now #but I have my perscruption still! like if I ever need it it’s there but that’s not your fucking decision that’s mine and you need to back #off my brain because it is a delicate fucking ecosystem up there in my head and I’m not going to fuck with anything until I have to #god. sorry. went on a bit of a rant. I am just so sick of arguing over my mom wanting to control the way I medicate myself. I am an adult #and she is not inside my brain so she needs to listen when I tell her how things affect me #she takes adhd meds like twice every day and hates the feeling of not being on them but I just don’t like them and she won’t fucking drop it #okay I am getting mad about adhd meds and my mother right before I have to be in the car with her all morning i need to relax #we’re going to psychic we’re gonna have fun #we’re not going to argue about this again.

[thelittleredheadedmusician]

I write some really niche fics (hopefully some of you just went “no shit, that’s why we’re here” and some went “no shit! Tell more!”) but I feel a little more vindicated for my series of Mia Dearden & John Constantine being reluctant friends fics. I initially justified it as a “Ollie met John once & Dinah is friends with Zatanna so she probably heard of him if not met him once or twice so Mia could have heard of him thru them” AND GUESS FUCKING WHAT. AS OF THE CURRENT BOP ISSUE DINAH NOT ONLY KNOWS JOHN BUT THEY’RE ON DECENT TERMS AND HE KNOWS OLLIE TOO SO LIKE *insert Brooklyn 99 VINDICATION meme here*

#dc comics #kinda #look the current lineup of bop can be described as ‘interesting’ and ‘eclectic’ #personally im over harley being in absolutely everything she’s just not a character i really like #& if anything the oversaturation of her has made me dislike her #but! i like the plot so far & dinah does have a history of working w/ people who aren’t heroes esp in bop #i like that they didn’t just ignore babs but would like to know why she can’t be in the loop #love love love to see sin back #have questions about the deal w/ the amazons having her? & the (i think she’s) wildstorm character #cass & barda being birds makes my heart so fucking happy (well barda has been a bird but cass getting to be one!) #& their little friendship is hella fun really enjoying that #dinah’s list in the first issue too!!! so good!!! we love to see references to pre52!!! #AND THE ART OHMYGOD IM OBSESSED WITH IT #like the golden age almost style & john REALLY looked like sting (as he should) it’s just so good #and SO expressive the faces are all so unique & the details so spot on just yes #really excited to see where this goes

[dahldahlbills]

juggling three different writing projects in my head rn i feel like im going insane

#this is why I try to avoid working on multiple wips at the same time hhhh #love having ideas but I hate bouncing between them and feeling like I can’t keep any of it straight #two of them are fics and ones an original project #what makes things worse is that im incapable of writing anything Short or Uncomplicated #noooo it always has to be a 100k+ fantasy saga of some sort with room for spin-offs #like im happy but also Sterssed #bc 1) there’s no time to actually work on these so it all just festers I’m my noggin #*in #and 2) I am SO SLOW so the longer the project means the none of these will see the light of day for at least a decade #esp when I’m splitting my time between all three #I could drop one of the fics but I’ve already been working on it for over a year I’m too committed #and if I put it on hold now I’ll never come back to it #other fic is jojo related and I wanted it to be SHORT AND SWEET but brain said no <3 #and my brainrot consumes me so I must indulge #I’ve put off the original project for over a year already #and I need to like .. make progress on that if I want writing/art to be a serious career choice #so yeah fun stuff 👍 #im literally sitting at my desk talking to my figurines trying to sort all my thoughts #they’re great listeners <3 #but hey im having ideas so that’s great at least #blahblahbills #AND DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON ART WIPS

[francis-mulcahys-angels]

My cousins and brother are lowkey drunk and they came over to the room that I’m staying in and ugh I’m so uncomfortable :/

#their all underage(drinking age wise and legal age wise) #and their acting weird and off putting in a bad way:/ #their drunk behavior reminds me of my father which is always great🥲 #and my mom didn’t even reprimand my brother :: #she said she didn’t see anything so she can’t do anything and ugh #she always tells me that I’m not able to drink until I’m 21 and she frequently belittles me #and part of me understand why(as my fathers part of my family has an alcohol problem but it’s just ugh #I’m 19 and like ?????! #and the way my brother can make mistakes and fuck up and shit and not be reprimanded that much or not even but I fuck up a little or shit #and I get in trouble and it’s my fault and god she makes me feel so guilty #like the pressure of being the oldest daughter fucks me up and god #but my mom did say sorry that i didn’t drink a buzz ball because maybe I would of been happy atm and ugh #I’m 19 and I have no life no friends and god #my aunt telling me earlier that her and my mom would not survive without me or her oldest daughter and god #oldest daughters are victims ffr #now their being racist??? homophobic?!?and anti abortion?!?! #*deadnames* a good little girl because she didn’t drink- no bitch #I’m so tired of everything #I want friends i want a life #I just want to get out the house and live a little #this is probably coming off a bit whiny and childish but it’s just I wish I would be taken seriously as a young adult #my choices are not taken seriously or their always wrong #I’m so young but my life has is already going so wrong #when I’m back in Illinois I’m going to enroll in college and try my hardest to befriend people because jesus I can’t give up so early #my Texas trip is an up and down mess #the yesterday trip to the beach fucked me up #it didn’t make it easy that my mom got mad at me for being a bit annoyed because of my headache and she belittled my comfort food #sorry I didn’t want to eat subway #I didn’t want to eat it:/ #and sushi was not enough of a comfort food

[realiv0]

Source:

#is it just me or does it look like Nauseda kissed Ze on the cheek at the end? #or maybe on the neck? #also #we can hardly see his face but Ze looks really emotional here #stefanchuk looks proud and happy too #Nauseda was there when Ze said to Duda that they might never see each other again #I wonder what Ze said to him #because he probably did say something #why would he only say something to duda but not nauseda - wouldn’t make sense imo #these people know that Ze is *still* in great danger #it’ll never go away actually #so every day every hour every moment is a gift #I get emotional here and I haven’t even met this guy or anything #I can’t imagine what it must be like for these people - his friends family etc #volodymyr zelenskyy #volodymyr zelensky #gitanas nausėda

[mars-ipan]

as an alloace i gotta say i am so goddamn grateful to all the aros out there for reminding me that romance isn’t everything teehee thx aspec siblings 👍

#i’m very much a romantic if u can’t tell. i am obsessed with love #and sometimes i’m too obsessed! i get caught in thought spirals #part of why i’m not good at having a crush lmao. i overthink so hard #but then the aros in my life will remind me that i can love someone like a friend or a brother #or just deeply care for someone and value their presence in my life regardless of the context it’s in #funnily enough it makes me BETTER at romance. instead of overthinking every interaction with a crush #i get to just be happy to be in their company. i don’t worry about fucking it up and ruining my chances or anything #less fear of rejection = more confidence = smoother interactions = increased chances of romance #it’s great! and also keeps me from ever feeling alone. i have my friends :] #‘n i love ‘em. #and while i WANT a romance i don’t NEED it #it’s really healthy actually and i’m appreciative of that #thx for getting me to challenge that internalized amatonormativity besties. greatly appreciative <2

[sexyleon]

I officially completely unplugged myself as much as I can 🙃🙃🙃 I’m way too reliant on my phone and waiting for people to talk to me is super unhealthy and has made me very anxious. I literally turned off ever single possible notification and will purposefully not be responding to messages because I just need time a space to figure out how to navigate myself without validation from others.

#plz no sexyleon #life update basically #I’ll still be using tumblr and stuff and I’ll probably reply to things on here #but I likely wont be responding to direct messages #I just???? I’m too clingy and needy and I feel reliant on the people I talk to for any sort of social interaction to be happy #I gotta figure it out because my mental health is in the shit and I can’t be reliant on others for stability #and I didn’t even really notice that’s what was happening until all my friends were busy on the same day and I really just needed someone #anywyas sorry this is complicated I just needed to vent in the void #also for my mutuals who I talk to all the time this is why I’m afk and I’m sorry I love you very much I just have to figure it out #why am I insane and hoping people try to reach out to me anyways??? just to say they are here if I need anything?? like I do to them???? #idk this is why I gotta stop #im the loneliest bitch in the world but I really can’t be anymore I gotta be alone in this bitch but not lonely #or I need to make friends with my loneliness and we can tackle the world together #otherwise im not going to survive #my anxiety is out of the roof and I constantly feel like I’m having heart palpitations #I literally think I’m going to die sometimes #I used to say I’d prefer the anxiety over the depression because I know how to navigate anxiety #well guess what my anxiety evolved like some sort of mega Pokémon and now it’s kicking my ass and I don’t have any idea how to defeat it #sorry for venting

[sensitivegoblin]

….

#my sister got me these rainbow high dolls #AND IM DOING A WHOLE GROCERY ORDER TO PAY HER BACK #and they made me so happy I started scripting again (long story) #they gave me such autistic joy and now I can’t even look at them #cus she just gives these death glares like #she’d swear she doesn’t do it #but since yknow I dared to stand up for myself #she had to be all like ‘I do everything for you and nothing is happening to you’ #thanks DAD2.0 now I’m never trusting you again #our relationship is much better when we don’t live together #but if I try to tell her I’m not moving in she’ll have a whole meltdown #if I wanna make everyone happy it means that I’m miserable an depressed 24/7 #so whatever I dunno #I’m just so fucking angry I keep hurting myself #why did God make me? #i suck im a loser I have no real talent I can’t do anything right #i beg God to kill me and he doesn’t #im just so tired of killing myself to make everyone happy #the only thing that takes me out of these moments is if I imagine kms over n over n over until I feel like I can actually feel the pain #I’m so tired I want someone to hold me like they used to :’(