#why are all my moots so self loathing. I WANT YOU GUYS TO FUCK YOUR CLONES!!!

[bb-kawa]

“I don't want to fuck my clone because my self-loathing is THAT strong.” Pls when I saw the selfship with yourself post all I thought was “but my only personality trait is hating myself” ✋😭

OMG STOP. Don't self loath!!! You got one body you better love it!! Stop hating yourself!!

#why are all my moots so self loathing. I WANT YOU GUYS TO FUCK YOUR CLONES!!! #pixel your perfect. #i wanna call you pixel but i believe its ori.

[cutesilyo]

On Love: Anxiety (A Yuuri Katsuki Analysis)

The thing about Yuuri is that he's such a relatable character to me. Even more so now that he's in a relationship with Victor, so I can honestly say that YOI is the anime that I've always needed.

Because:

Yuuri has anxiety.

Yuuri is in a relationship.

Yuuri is in a relationship with someone he thinks is too good for him.

Yuuri has a low opinion of himself.

Yuuri is an unreliable narrator.

Yuuri hates losing.

...and etc.

These are all things that I can relate to! So, forgive me, but I absolutely hate how this anime ended. And although I loathed Episode 12 to death, the ending of Episode 11 was something I didn't expect and yet it was something I didn't know I needed — mainly because Yuuri’s anxiety reared its ugly head in a way that I am all too familiar with.

[Pictured: Yuuri Katsuki clenching his fists in an attempt to gather up the courage to ruin his own life for Victor's sake]

i.e. Cutting your own losses before you lose them.

So from the perspective of someone who also has low self-esteem and is in a relationship with someone who I think deserves much better, here's why I believe Episode 11 was necessary in a way that Episode 12 did not give justice to. Here we go!

You see, I have this tiny theory here about what Yuuri was thinking when he said those words that ultimately broke everybody's hearts. Everybody's been talking about it since the episode aired. But here I am, regardless, because I need to deposit these two cents of mine even though the account is already positively overflowing.

There's this belief I have, and I have no idea if this is just something that I have because I've been raised with an Oriental mindset or something specific to just me, but I'm afraid of being too happy. I believe I can only achieve a particular level of happiness; if I experience more happiness that I deserve, bad things happen. If I have too much, you bet your ass at least some of that will get taken away.

There needs to be balance in this world, or so I and many others believe — there is no shadow without light, and the moon has no meaning if she is not opposite the sun. Suffering and happiness? They go hand in hand. And in the same vein, there is no success without strife —  and that's widely preached. But the opposite is also true; because there is no strife without success, and I'm willing to bet my non-existent balls that Yuuri and Victor are kind of the epitome of the latter.

[Pictured: Victor Nikiforov before he met Yuuri Katsuki, i.e. incredibly lonely and trusting only a dog for providing him constant companionship]

And while Victor's end of the spectrum — his gold medals were the fruits of labor that his loss to life and love bore — were given their high-key focus in Episode 10, Yuuri's end of the spectrum was a low-key theme throughout the entire series. Yuuri's talents were paid with leaving his hometown and family to pursue an incredibly unconventional career choice, having the press hound him for every anxiety attack that he can't control, and bearing that enormous pressure of representing his entire nation on his shoulders — and his poor anxiety-ridden heart can't deal with that most of the time.

[Pictured: Yuuri Katsuki's mouth giving an involuntary wobble before he forces himself to smile for his parents' sake, also known as a frame that deserves more attention]

There's a stereotype for Asian parents: that if their child gets less than an A, it's a failure. It's a joke most of the time; for Yuuri, he applies that to his entire career as a competitive figure skater. Add the fact that he's representing the whole of Japan for one of the highest titles a figure skater can get, and the anxiety he's developed over the years, and you get a bundle of nerves on the best days — complete breakdowns at the worst.

Plus his dog died just days before, or maybe even during, one of the most important competitions in his life.

Oh, and he is an unbelievably sore loser.

[Pictured: Yuuri Katsuki in that infamous shot of him breaking down in the bathroom; note that he only lets himself cry when he thinks that there is nobody around to see him]

And he's probably thinking i could have done better and he's probably thinking i guess i really should retire, but I propose that he's also thinking this is payment for all the other competitions i've won, isn't it? That he's thinking, this is payment for all the hardships i've put on everyone else. That he's thinking, oh well, i guess i deserve this after all.

It's like all the little bad things he's done over the years have finally come back to haunt him in one big smack of karmic retribution, right after the cruelties of fate have already given him a taste of what it felt like to be part of the winning team. Because don't tell me that Yuuri didn't feel this sense of pride, of fulfillment, of complete and utter joy when he was assigned to the GP Series and qualified for the Finals. That he didn't feel happy when he got the chance to train, abroad, with an actual coach and an actual rink despite just coming from small, seaside Hasetsu. That he didn't arrive at Detroit, wide-eyed and nervous but so young and hopeful, knowing that he was the JSF's certified top skater.

Then he lost at the GPF and he probably felt like all of that went moot. That all of a sudden, all his medals and trophies and successes didn't mean anything anymore. There's a reason why Minami was introduced, after all: to bring home the point that while Yuuri thinks he's an average skater, it doesn't mean that it's necessarily true.

It's further cemented by the fact that, when Minami says that his costume was inspired by one of Yuuri's older ones, he's mortified as he shrieks, "That's a costume from my dark past!"

Minami, bless him, talks back and says that Yuuri doesn't have a dark past to speak of. He's the actual cinnamon roll of YOI, guys. Imagine how happy he was when he cheered for Yuuri in the GPF in Yuuri's own house and saw, in person, all the trophies that Yuuri had been keeping in the background — and the fact that Yuuri even keeps them in the background speaks so much of his lack of self-worth that it deserves its own meta.

[Pictured: Kenjiro Minami, tears in his eyes as he screams out at his idol: You don't have a dark past! Don't make fun of me for looking up to you for so long and trying to catch up with you! — breaking our hearts in the process]

So, basically: if Yuuri had given all he had with skating, was rewarded with triumphs and successes only to feel like that had all been taken away when he was dead last at the GPF (and not to mention, he probably feels like all of this was justified); why wouldn't he feel that way about Victor?

Because Victor makes him happy. So happy, in fact, that his skating and confidence levels have reinvented themselves as a response to Victor's presence in Yuuri's personal life. Why wouldn't he think that Victor was too good to be true? Why wouldn't he be scared that the cruelties of fate would, once again, take away his source of happiness in a twisted form of giving balance to the world?

So he comes up with defense mechanisms. He blabbers in metaphor and dabbles in double-meanings (Episodes 1-3) and he feels so relieved that Victor seems to accept that it's just the way he prefers to express himself (Episode 4). But then he keeps falling and falling and he gathers up the courage to be more accepting of his past because of Victor (Episode 5), to be more bold for Victor (Episode 6), to be more couple-y with Victor. (Episode 8)

And ordinarily, that would be a good thing right? He's growing up! There's character development! He has more confidence now!

But YOI, god bless YOI, shows that anxiety doesn't just go away. It comes back to haunt you and when you're at your weakest, it strikes. This is best exemplified in Episodes 7 and 9, where it's glaringly obvious — but in Episode 11, it takes some understanding of the previous episodes to know that the entirety of the drama comes from Yuuri simply being an unreliable narrator again than from any actual basis.

[Pictured: Two similar shots of Yuuri Katsuki from Episode 4 and Episode 11 respectively — the former, a happy blush as he prays give me Victor's time, if only just for now; the latter, horror dawns as Yuuri comes to the conclusion that Victor wants to go back to the ice and that their time together is ending]

Because Yuuri is the epitome of unreliable narrator, and Episode 10 was the ultimate peak of the mountain that YOI has been building from the very first episode — in an anime that opens with the self-deprecating protagonist reading articles about his loss, which is intentionally and deliberately set up to overshadow the fact that despite his loss he's still competing in one of the biggest competitions in the figure skating world.

The other thing that YOI has chosen to keep from us until Episode 10 was that despite the entire world being clamorous for him to go back to the ice, Victor actually . . . doesn't want to do that at all. He literally calls it a shackle on his neck. He waxes poetic about the life and love that Yuuri has given him, that he has neglected for so long. He gets kicked in the back and declared as dead by Yurio, and the most he does is mockingly crouch down and ask, did you want to compete against me?

Having Episode 10 come right before the massive fuck-up in Episode 11 was both an explanation and a warning: yeah, yuuri did all that and victor fell in love with him first. now remember how different things looked back in episode 1. because we're gonna go back to that in the next episode and y'all need to know what's real and what's just what yuuri assumes.

And the thing about Episode 10 is that it triggers this impulse to rewatch the entire series from Victor's perspective and contrast that to how different we saw it when it was just Yuuri's perspective we knew about. Doing that brings more impact to Episode 11, I think — which also highlights that despite Yurio found a friend, he still has some humility to learn and his arc isn't finished yet just because he managed to perfect Agape. While I do think he was being too mean (to a point that I considered it OOC, after Episodes 9 and 10), that's a different post altogether.

[Pictured: Celestino Cialdini comforts a sullen Yuuri Katsuki during the Sochi GPF; comes with Yuuri's monologue of I could never openly say that I'd win gold, but I never skated with the thought in my mind that I'd lose anyway]

I think that the way that Yuuri reflects to himself during his FS in Episode 9 echoes how he feels toward Victor. That despite never really admitting out loud that he wanted a gold, he never actually believed he would ever lose either — Yuuri let himself stay stagnant while tiptoeing between having the potential to be a winner and actually being one. In the same vein, Yuuri found himself walking that same fine line between being Victor's future and being Victor's has-been; someone between everything and something, but never actually nothing.

Yuuri let his anxiety get the better of him and he decided that being Victor's past would be best outcome he could ever hope to get. The events of Episode 11 have led him to believe that he would never be Victor's future; or at least, he would never be the future that Victor actually wants. And in Yuuri's twisted justifications, it would be a good thing that they would end their relationship after the GPF; it gives Victor the freedom to do whatever he wants and it gives the Yuuri the relief of not having delved deeper into the idea of them being an actual concrete relationship.

[Pictured: Victor Nikiforov, part of a newly discovered evolved species of humans called homo superior]

Except Victor, unlike Yuuri, has already considered the prospects of having a relationship without a time stamp and jumped right into it. Victor has already established in Episode 10 that he wants Yuuri, and that he would definitely choose a life without competitive skating specifically because it meant getting the love of a lifetime. Screw the consequences, he's getting what he wants and he will put every fiber of his being into nurturing this relationship that gives him all of the happiness that he never thought he could have.

He just never verbalized it. So while Victor gets the concrete proof that Yuuri wants him in the form of giving him the rings (although he does so in a way that implies he doesn't want to admit it), Yuuri doesn't.

[Pictured: Yuuri Katsuki, in doubt of where Victor's happiness truly lies: in a life with skating or a life without it]

Yuuri gets soft and sweet and cuddly Victor and it's enough to make Yuuri hope but it's not enough to help Yuuri understand that Victor truly wants him — how much Yuuri changed him. He knows the Victor that is, as Minako says in Episode 1, free with his charms and winks at the cameras and is touchy-feely with a man he just met; a Victor who was bored and had an impulse decision to coach him and ended up liking him. But the viewers get more insight into who Victor really was before he met Yuuri, who was sad and lonely and hollow — a Victor that fell in love with the boy with the drunken flamenco dance and was looking for an excuse to meet him again.

Victor, like anyone, wants happiness. Winning doesn't give him that anymore, but Yuuri does . . . even though he doesn't even grasp the true gravitas of the love they share.

[Pictured: Yuuri Katsuki, in tears after an amazing Free Skate and the subsequent roar of triumph thereafter; a perfect representation of what we all felt in this scene]

Ultimately, what pissed me off about Episode 12 was that it seemed to betray its own protagonist. We had all the build-up to Yuuri winning gold and finally getting the concrete proof that Victor loves him back and that he is an incredible skater in his own right — because I wholeheartedly believe that the perfect ending to Yuri On Ice would be Yuuri getting gold and realizing that it doesn't matter. And for one moment he would look at all the people who have supported him endlessly and, instead of pushing them away in shame like he would have at the beginning of the show, he would thank them with a happy smile.

How Yuuri would learn not to equate his worth by his losses or wins was always a theme that I wanted the show to address in the Season 2 that I wanted to have, but for that to happen he had to win first in the S1 finale.

But he didn't, and the finale for one of the most popular animes of 2016 was done so cheap that it actually does render the entire anime into moot. So to say I'm disappointed? Yeah, well, that's kind of an understatement.

[Pictured: Yuuri Katsuki with the wrong medal]

#yoi #yuri on ice #meta #yoi meta #yuuri katsuki #i havent posted in tumblr for two years whoops #anyway have a meta about my precious boy because i love him dearly thank you #im having trouble uploading the screenshots hnggg what a shame #mine

[emeraldfishy]

i purposefully follow blogs that have like positivity stuff, and more specifically stuff related to me, like

this

and like I only just now discovered stuff like this that actually hits home for me in such a way, like, less than a year ago, 

but especially lately it’s been the flip of a coin if it cheers me up or makes me immeasurably upset at myself all over again because it’s like

I see something like that

and sometimes I just

see all this positivity and my brain goes ‘aw...that’s nice, it’s like they knew how bad i felt about this’

or, more commonly now,

‘hhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh everything i’ve ever experienced in my life has run contrary to that fuck off reality isn’t so nice you’re all probably guys anyways trying to feel temporarily validated’

to be clear, that’s not a ‘them’ problem, it’s a ‘me’ problem

but i don’t know how to get it to stop and i don’t know if i will be ever satisfied with either myself or the life i lead, even if it comes to the point where everything smooths out, i’m scared i’ll still be this curmudgeonly and cynical and depressed regardless

i don’t know how to get it to stop

i don’t know how to get this intense self-hatred, loathing and worthlessness to stop and it’s so powerful now that i feel it threatens to swallow me whole, that i’m going to drown in it soon

and it’s like, for other people, all they need is some dumb cat video or cutesy thing to look at or a pet to have nearby and it’s like, hey, they’re cheered up a little, but that never ever works for me. and all of these other coping mechanisms and positivity messages that could be so powerfully honed in directly on me at this point still isn’t working

and even when people pay me specific compliments, and i know they’re genuine, it STILL doesn’t work because then my brain is just like ‘you’re wrong’ or ‘you’re just saying that to make me feel better’ or ‘you’re stupid if you like me’ or ‘you just didn’t notice all the mistakes i make’ or ‘even if I am good at X thing it doesn’t pay the bills and is ultimately worthless’ or ‘it doesn’t outweigh the overwhelming waste of time I still am’

and if something does work, it’s a pretty safe bet that over time my mind will twist that into a moot point or a negative by the end of the week somehow

like what will it take to convince you, brain? do you need someone telling you how great you are every second of the day to stop feeling so pathetically worthless?

of course not. a play that blatantly forced couldn’t possibly be genuine anyway.

what will it take to make you believe people like you?

oh, people like me, sure. that’s just because A. they don’t live with me and have to deal with my daily bullshit cycle, B. they don’t know me well enough to know how many severe drawbacks I have that outweigh whatever good even exists, if any, C. they’re some sort of maniac that loves unconditionally, something i can’t relate to, or D. I just happened to make a good first impression and it’s slow to erode, but don’t worry, it will over time

eventually everyone will come to be annoyed with all the bullshit you are. eventually everyone will come to hate you just as much as you hate yourself. you can’t get allow yourself to get attached. why bother? they’re just going to get as annoyed with you as you are. you can’t even live with yourself worth a damn, how do you expect anyone else to live with you?

someone needs to convince this brain, with its own horrid logic and rules.

i’ve tried so many times, and i thought i had it a lot, but then it just reversed itself and became another weapon in this damn brain’s arsenal to bring me further down with. there doesn’t seem to be any irrefutable argument with this stupid thing. 

like, even when i express things like this and people say in response something like ‘it’s alright, i’m still your friend’, ‘i’ll still be here for you’, or ‘I love you regardless’ 

all I can think is ‘I’m sorry you were somehow cursed to want to irrationally tolerate me, despite the bad in me clearly outweighing the good, if the good even exists now.’

i’m defective. why would any sane person want to waste their time on me when they could simply be with objectively better people instead? it’s just cold hard logic.

#not trying to call out specifics #it's just an example of a larger problem i have with myself #tw: you're probably gonna regret reading this or something #barely care anymore