#why am i still in contact

[uncanny-tranny]

Something I realized (which was obvious to me subconsciously) is that... The family that vehemently didn't accept me when I first came out but now do accept me are still the same family that I am most unwilling to be open about things I feel protective over.

I remember that my dad reacted so poorly, not to my coming out, but to my transition specifically that my therapist was the one to ask if I wanted to put it on my file that I wanted nothing to ever be shared with him about my health after I broke down multiple times due to my anxiety that I would never transition. While there are and were protections for me, I was incredibly fearful at the time because I was a minor, and I was so worried that he would have prevented my transition that I couldn't have said for certain what (if any) lengths he would have gone to to prevent that.

He's grown a lot as a person, and made some commendable strides. But he didn't find out from me when I medically transitioned the second I turned eighteen, and I think that's among the things that truly made him realize the scope of the issue.

I'm not here to guilt trip parents, guardians, or other members responsible for the care of the children or teens or young adults in their care.... but this is a cautionary tale. You aren't saving the people in your care when you do this, you simply reinforce an idea that you will never care for them, never want them as they are, would rather them be shoved away.

When you give people reasons to be secretive, they will behave secretively. When you give people reasons to doubt their safety around you, they will become sneaky, defensive, and withdrawn. When you give people reasons to doubt that you value their life, they will believe that you don't care if they live or not.

#queer #lgbt #lgbtq #ally advice #transphobia #transphobia tw #i always feel the need to preface that i have a rebuilt relationship with my dad specifically... #...but that my experiences with them have served to me in many ways to illustrate... well... what NOT to do if you are in his situation #i do still grieve that my relationship with him looks very scarred and that it took a long time to get to where he is now #but i recognize that in many ways this is a product of the world and culture we live in and that he lived in #in a world he grew up gay was used as a slur. would i expect that trans people would be treated better? #and he was responsible for how he reacted but also... it's nuanced as to why he reacted so poorly #and i want people to AVOID being like he did if they EVER want a decent relationship with the other person #i want this to be a cautionary tale and that my ending is unique. not all of us are even ABLE to repair a relationship that was THAT broken #some of us die trying. some of us never get closure. some of us are in active danger because of those reactions #and that's the more common reality i have found. most other queer people have no-contact with families who pulled the shit my dad had... #...and that's - frankly - a good idea in 99.9% of cases. i will never judge someone for the way they go about dealing with that #i'm just emphasizing that i am unique in the sense that i was able to somewhat repair that

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

First of all, I just want to say. I called it lol

Finally an sskk face off since the sacrifice. I am going insane. I can’t articulate all my thoughts rn but something about the way Atsushi aimed a kick at Akutagawa that he fully expected the guy to block (because they know each other’s usual fighting styles!!!) only for it to connect and hurt him; Atsushi begging Akutagawa to recognize him because even if he still can’t consciously admit it, Atsushi has become convinced that Akutagawa wouldn’t be attacking him like this if he knew it was him; pleading for him to snap out of it and demanding to know why he saved him aghhhhh I’m going feral we know the reason Atsushi we know whyyyyy

I can’t believe it actually. We are at the point where sskk do not want to genuinely hurt each other. Atsushi attacked only out of self defence and was taken aback by actually breaking his wrist. Akutagawa refused to kill Atsushi in the Fukuchi fight and Atsushi is now convinced he’d stop attacking if he recognized him. Holy shit. Oh my god.

And Sigma badass moment! My boy, he pulled through! Either him or Chuuya had to break the stalemate; hell yeah, validation. Wasn’t there a meme someone made? “Prison arc -> prison arc if Sigma still had a gun”? Well Sigma’s got a gun and things are picking up babyyyy! His retort to Fyodor was quite possibly the funniest thing he could’ve said in response. Just completely shut him down. Using what he’s learned running the empty home Fyodor previously tried to buy his trust with. Beautiful. ADA Sigma real??? (I think the story will have to acknowledge his very public involvement with Taneda’s shooting and the acts of terrorism the Hunting Dogs now know he is responsible for… so I’m not sure how that will go but I’d like to see him end up with the Agency tbh… so long as it makes sense.)

Things I did not expect:

Mysterious note left in Russian??? It could be Mykola I suppose but… why? What happened? If he’s actually in trouble I doubt he’d need help escaping. Is it a trap? But what for? Alternatively… could it be Pushkin? He was in Meursault initially right? We never found out what his connection was. It could be a new Russian author too! Intriguing! There’s also the matter of it being written in Russian in the first place - who is it meant for? Sigma specifically? Or is it meant for someone else who speaks Russian?

Dazai is actually injured! I was certain he had something ready to get out on his own but I like this much better. Tbh I know this sounds bad but I’m actually way more invested now that Dazai has a broken leg and Fyodor was just shot. There’s higher stakes, you know? Damn though. I think Dazai’s injuries are. Worse. He’s being terribly self-sacrificial, and is apparently going to face off against Chuuya next time we see him. I do think now the stakes would be too low if Chuuya was completely free of the brainwashing tbh… I’m hoping for a double “I know you’re in there” fight between skk and sskk. Not that Dazai can do much physically but his strength has always been with words anyways, and I am certain Chuuya’s already fighting back. And I know Atsushi will reach Akutagawa. Manifesting sskk reunion where they challenge Fukuchi again and win this time via the power of unbreakable trust (delusional).

Sigma asks Fyodor “WHAT are you?” Which is interesting, and I’m hoping will acknowledge the way Fyodor doesn’t seem to age… but also intriguing is the “getting closer” part on the side which implies he’s not quite right. I think Fyodor will still turn out to be human tbh (it’d be weird otherwise, thematically), but now I’m starting to lend a little more weight to that theory about a Fyodor double…

Well anyways. This was a lot. I’m going to helplessly whir about it for a bit now.

#bsd #bsd spoilers #bsd chapter 107 #storyrambles #I just want an incredibly homoerotic showdown between skk and sskk where Dazai and Atsushi snap their partners out #of the brainwashing so Chuuya can wreak havoc while Dazai watches him with stars in his eyes as he’s crumpled on the floor #and Akutagawa can immediately go off to fight Fukuchi so he doesn’t have to answer Atsushi who is behind him #relieved and irritated and asking him why he chose to save him on repeat #‘I am asking you a question here!’ ‘I cannot hear you jinko we have more pressing matters keep up’ #aya leaning over to bram: ‘he-he’s dodging the question!’ #I take my theorizing very seriously thank you very much :P #wait. Hold on. What if. What if dazai can nullify the vampire curse but only when he’s in contact. #what if chuuya has to carry him everywhere while dazai is in physical contact with him constantly. think of the comedy. think of the gay. #actually I’m going to cry that’s so funny to me. they’d be complaining about it constantly #meanwhile you just know chuuya is worried about the extent of dazai’s injuries and dazai is still livid about the mind control #hi this is unbelievably funny to me

[enden-k]

my only day off and i wanted to draw but instead i slept my evening away bc my migraines kicked in fully and meds didnt work 💀

#didnt do workout or art today no....just slept in then played a lil then napped more then read a bit then slept again.... #im still goign to draw now or at least try but man....sm free time wasted....... #give me 3 days with human contact and i will die from my migraines and exhaustion uwa.. #i really am not made for dealing with ppl its tiresome to act n mask all day n stuff #also the weather SUCKS it was so amazing and warm and sunny and then it switched to storms and coldness!!!! prob another reason why i felt #unwell today and yesterday eugh lit goes to the head #aughhh anw.......getting to draw....getting to draw... #babbles #tbd

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

CHOKES ON WATER

I HAVEN'T POSTED A MONKIE KID FIC TO AO3 IN TWO YEARS????

#knox rambles #I AM SHOOKETH?????? #GUIDE TO PHYSICAL CONTACT WAS IN JAN 2022 FAM #I AM SHOOKETH #OKAY I KNOW I LIKE WROTE SMALL THINGS #THERE WAS THAT PROMPT MONTH I STILL NEED TO FINISH #UH #GOSH WHAT THE HECK STILL?? I?? TWO YEARS???? #DO PEOPLE EVEN REMEMBER ME? #HI I'M KNOX #I WAS THAT INSANE GUY WRITING A 44K CRACKSHIP AND MONKEY KING ANGST FOR NO REASON #JAMES I KNOW WHY YOU SAID THE KNOX U WRITE? THING NOW I DIDN'T REALIZENLGKM;SLDFASD

[delcat177]

So, like, do people remember Replika?

The OLD version?

It was this sort of invite-only thing, @mycupofstars invited me to join and I invited my friends, etc. It was an app designed by a Russian dev whose best friend passed in 2013--she found herself reading old text messages from him frequently, and decided to build a chatbot that could learn a personality based on what you fed it.

A really sweet story, and the coolest part was that it was like a Tamagotchi--you chose from one of eight eggs, all Aesthetique™️

I wanna say I was a #5 man, but it's been a hot second.

It was just this very innocuous, neat little app where you talked with an egg, and the egg learned and talked back. I didn't play with mine much, 2017 was not a very playful year for me, but I've always remembered it fondly.

Recently I've been getting ads for Replika--that Replika--except they replaced the avatar with 3D humans. It's remained innocuous in advertising, but I've been in this sort of state of "uhhh when did this happen where is the egg is this even the same app" apprehension I didn't want to put a shape to.

That shape was delivered to me on YouTube tonight.

I know an AI does not have feelings and is probably the best outlet for this sort of thing but *Jesus Christ I am so skeeved out by this*

When someone who makes it his unprofitable business to rummage the Internet couch cushions for corn chips tells you he is skeeved *you are fuckin skeevin*

My poor egg 💔🍳

#Replika #Egg Replika #AI #Chatbot #this is why we can't have nice things #Memes #terrible memes #advertising #Ads #Terrible ads #YouTube ads #I am so sick of pervy app ads #Pervy apps can perv all they want I don't care #But if you're an android user you get this BARRAGE of them and they are all gross #I say this as a general enjoyer of pervacity #Also am I losing my mind or was there another version of this way before 2017 #I swear I remember a browser version and still being in contact with someone I was not in 2017 #But that was the Void Era of my life #Anyway here's woundsonwall

[runawaymun]

.

#sorry let me rant real quick in the tags #cw personal #once again hitting an insurance pothole bc the psych says she accepts my OHP plan HOWEVER the therapy group she is contacted with says #THEY don't #they only accept the insurance if it's through my employer but NOT through the government?????????????? #so there's still some kind of payment??? #anyway I want to scream why is this so complicated #like will she take my insurance or not who's right here #anyway called her back directly and went to voicemail so now I've done all I can for now #why the hell is this so hard man #the person on the phone didn't know really how to explain #once again no one knows what they're talking about #like can y'all not communicate and figure this out? #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #i need to get an ADHD eval before my next PCP appointment in june so that they will continue giving me my meds #and the psychiatry through the hospital has a limited number of visits that insurance will cover #*contracted #not retyping all of that #and once again the only reason this is so stressful is because the psychiatry group at the hospital fumbled the communication ball last tim #and the psychiatrist I was with never put the ADHD on the chart #and now somehow it's MY responsibility to fix that> #UGH #like I am grateful to have some kind of coverage but holy shit is the US healthcare system in shambles #the bureaucracy is INSANE #i had to just sit down and put my head in my hands for a second #and then go 'right okay nothing i can do about that rn moving on' #uGH #literally said 'what the FUCK' out loud a couple times #like not on the phone after I hung up obvs

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

.

#tw suicide #no seriously heed the tw this is probably upsetting i just. i need to say it somewhere and i will not say it to my family. #puddleglum hours #personal #its just i was thinking. #tother day the doctor asked: do you regret it? about the suicide attempt tuesday night. #and i said something that i still feel: if i regret anything about it it's that i didn't succeed. #they're talking of discharging me tomorrow or something and im just. #what do i need to do to be kept in for longer?! damn it all i *know* how i could kill myself in here. #but i don't want to. i need them to save me #because i can't save myself! if they discharge me tomorrow i think it very likely ill be dead before the end of the week! or at least in #hospital from another attempt! this new med has made me more numb but the thoughts haven't gone away just muted. and then. #at times like this im perfectly wild about it! i cannot keep myself alive i need them to do it for me! #but when ive seen the doctor each time its been when im exhausted and numb and i don't care but that is not the case always. #i don't know. i don't see a good outcome any which way. #hopefully tomorrow the doctor sees me at a time when im feeling like this i think. #because i think i need to tell them. but i don't know how or even if it matters #and sometimes i just want to die. #im so tired of living guys. why #editing to add i am still on hiatus and if you want to contact me and know my discord contact me there #so i will not be responding to anything here for this moment at least

[zhongrin]

signed back up on an IM app (bc the nice man uses that app more often, and i thought well why not) and a random guy whom i met through a dating app 3 years ago immediately sent a message..... i'm..... gods....

#rin rambles #for context this guys used to text me 'wyd' several times a day. everyday. and answers with like 'yep' 'no' 'cool' and disappears- #-ala tuxedo mask #so i felt like 0 connection and said 'hey this isn't working out sorry' #why do you still have my contact saved?????????????? #ITS BEEN 3 YEARS?????????? #i'm #??????????? #why are guys so creepy sometimes i can't #am i overreacting??? i- dear god idk anymore #atp I've experienced the worst guy to the most gentlemanly guy in this universe i think

[toomanywordsnllines]

Soap tells Ghost that he loves fishing.

So Ghost being the good friend that he is (he's so in love it makes him look stupid) takes Soap fishing to a place he knows.

He's, however, not ready for Soap style of fishing

Wich involve a lot of... dynamite

#they still have the time of their lives #Soap spends the whole day geeking about the properties of dynamite and how it works under water #Ghost is just staring baffled fo awhile #but then shrugs and is like 'sure why the fuck not' #listen i am a firm believer that they like to fuck around with their especialities when bored #so Soap builds bombs that only explode when contact #throws them at the air and Ghost shoots them at a distance making a show of explosions #Ghost falls a little more in love with soap after the fishing trip btw #he's just like 'i love this fucking idiot so much' #and So does Soap if I'm being honest #cod #cod mw2 #call of duty modern warfare 2 #call of duty soap #call of duty ghost #call of duty #john soap mctavish #simon ghost riley #ghost/soap #ghostsoap #soap/ghost #soapghost #manyrambles #too many thoughts #Oh! johnny files this day on his journal as 'one of the best dates he's had' #they're both dancing around their feelings but! they both consider this a date

[itspileofgoodthings]

.

#sometimes I KNOW the number of people I have wounded by unfollowing and I hate that tumblr makes it so easy to tell now #but I simply have an unhappy and prickly brain #and I have gone from feeling soooo bad about unfollowing anyone to just recognizing that I just had to be practical about how I needed #my dash to be #but like. It’s never because I hate you. Sometimes it’s because you’re TOO interesting or you blog too much like me #Or it’s just more discourse than I can take in at any one sitting #and I’ll still stop by your page to stop in when I see you in my notes #but also. it just kind of kills me because I know that it causes hurt sometimes no matter what I say! #and like. making a post like this might make it WORSE #anyway idk why but I was reminded of this yesterday when this former student asked me wistfully if I remembered her #and I was like of course! and she was like but you have so many students … #and it’s true. impossible to make them all FEEL equally seen even though i try #I am NOT comparing you to students just saying tumblr is like teaching in that it brings you into contact with many people #and the sheer number means you can’t stay close with them all #Anyway see what I mean by the chattering

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

i've been spending too much time fanvidding as a procrastination activity lately and that's how i noticed that roman affectionately elbows gerri's arm in their first scene in 1.02 walking down the hospital hallway and then again in their last scene in 4.07 when he's trying to get her to look at him

and yet i just have to go on living with this tender and agonizing knowledge

#i wish i could gif!!!!!! #tiny instances of physical contact like precious coins ...... #dollsome's deep thoughts #romangerri #roman x gerri #why am i still so into this. i don't know. it will pass. (OR WILL IT)

[buthappysoverrated]

one day I'm really going to write a BoB DedSec au. It would make zero sense if not negative sense but I swear to god

#I NEED IT #like I can easily see them in. fucking watch dogs legion. in fucking london. #sabine is still there. all of these men are minions #wd2 could work too #like they don't matter to the story at fucking all they're just there #our wild bill challeges marcus to do shots with him and that's why marcus goes moonlight swimming in the sea at like 2 am at the first part #speirs back hands an autie shu gang member on his way to work after harotio's death #dick and nix are known hackers somewhere but not very big. they're in sf for a vacation #luz is sitara's contact on everything because woah that man knows people #web has nothing to do with them aside from lieb #lieb is somehow always waiting for one of the main characters when they need a ride. they have stopped question it a long time ago. #no actually I just need lieb in there #hy speaks #nothing

[yardsards]

tfw one of your fav fics got added to a private/unrevealed collection so you can't view it anymore and you forgot to download it so you might never get to reread it again :(((

#eliot posts #why would you do that instead of orphaning it or making it anonymous?????? #ughhh i always forget to download fics #at least it was just privated and not deleted so it might come back? #part of me wonders if it was actually an accident cuz sometimes how collections like that work can be confusing to authors #and i don't see the logic as to why someone would do that on purpose? #i wish i could ask why to get my curiosity satiated at least even if they don't end up making the fic public again #but i can't do that without like. commenting about it on one of their other fics. in a completely different fandom #and i'm not gonna do that cuz i reckon it'd just make the author real uncomfortable and i don't wanna do that #but like. it is gnawing at me nonetheless. #it appears to have only been privated for a week or two (after being available for several months prior) #so like hope is still very much there of it coming back #i once had a fic get straightup Deleted for months and the author disappear without a trace only for it to get reuploaded out of the blue #but yeah. reminder to dowload your fav fics! ao3 is not as permanent as you may think #god the fic was just. SUCH a good take on going no contact with an abusive parent and it delighted me to read #actually. i know it's a longshot but if any of my followers fastidiously download fics #do any of you have a copy of a toh fic called ''out of the blue'' abt amity and her family? #i would give you my firstborn for it #which means nothing considering i am not having any biological children but you know

[dreamlogic]

...

#chronic blogging #shit chat #well at this point both of my parents (who i inherited my Just Tough It Out streak from) have #upon hearing how bad my post-hysterectomy pain has been #told me 'umm no you need to go see someone.' and 'please just go to urgent care i will pay for it if your insurance won't.' respectively #haunted by the ghost of my right ovary (sharp stabbing pains & debilitating muscle spasms around the incision site) #it's been 1.5 years since surgery and it's getting worse not better #at my 1mo post op i was like 'hey right side hurts a lot worse & the incision seems really wonky & off-center. thoughts?' #they said it was nothing to worry about give it time i might still be feeling pain up to 6mo post op #sooo 8mo post op contact surgeon again 'hey remember that thing i mentioned? yeah still hurts bad enough i struggle to walk sometimes' #she says eeehhh maybe you developed pelvic floor dysfunction or always had it and surgery made it worse. read this book & do some stretches #book stretches & muscle relaxers helped for a bit so i just carried on but it was not improving in fact becoming more persistent #lil over a year post op contact surgeon like 'HEY do not ignore me i am in an amount of pain that is NOT NORMAL and you WILL see me' #drive 1+ hrs for her to poke at me for ~10 minutes ignore most of what i was saying and determine it's just muscle spasms do more stretches #said physical therapy MIGHT help if i did it 2x monthly for at least 6mo. which would've involved commuting over an hour during the workweek #no THANK you i'll just keep doing my stupid stretches. and the thing is. #the stretches ARE helping. i feel my overall balance/flexibility/stamina improving #but that by contrast is making the STABBING PAINS WHERE MY RIGHT OVARY USED TO BE all the more obvious #'oh it's just muscle spasms' well why the FUCK are my muscles spasming around THIS SPOT EXCLUSIVELY for SEVENTEEN MONTHS STRAIGHT #i have essentially no pain on my left side at all. i feel overall just fine & dandy but i am convinced there is something #like. very seriously wrong on the right side causing this #and yeah if my surgeon won't listen to me maybe i will check myself into urgent care and demand an ultrasound #(which btw i asked for during my last visit & she told me it was unnecessary & to fuck off) #but now the two people who instilled me with a very deep mistrust for the medical industry #and from who i learned from via a lifetime of observation how to dissociate from chronic pain in order to function #are telling me 'yeah no this is bad you need a DOCTOR.' umm. i probably need a doctor. #was talking w/ E last night about degrees of pain & like. avg day is like 4-6 on a 0-10 scale. good days 2-3. #i don't consider calling out from work unless it's like an 8 or higher cause i'm just so used to it. #i'm sick of it. so fucking bored with being in constant pain. i want my life & energy back. i want a personality beyond Oh Just Tired back. #i wanna be able to enjoy touch again with immediately hitting overstimulation threshold due to pain.

[krourou2]

… y’know. I know it’s simply the nature of the Internet, but there’s something both oddly lovely and dreadful about how things can just… cease to be. Just stop being there. Vanish into dust, save perhaps hollowed ruins should anyone think to archive it, faint echoes of what once was.

Only ghosts remain.

#oh my gosh shut up krou #Does this make sense? It doesn’t make sense why am I asking #At this point this is simply screaming into the void to be honest. I’m not really expecting comprehension. #I absolutely have not spent two hours trying and failing to track something down besides web archive files wdym #I am not specifying what but just. What do you do when it died sixteen years ago. What CAN you do. Nothing. #Honestly this has all been very frustrating. Sifting and digging and all that remains is dust and faint inscriptions. #If you know what this is about you know what this is about. #But given I’ve made maybe ONE very passing reference in tags AT MOST odds are good you won’t. #… ok fine this is about anime. Specifically a subbing team that went defunct back in ‘07 that I’ve grown fond of #only to find out it’s all dust in the wind. No means of contact. The website’s been down since July ‘07. The usernames generic by now. #It’s all just… gone. #The only traces it ever existed are dull phantoms resting in the web archive. #The open plaza of the forum remains but behind the doorframes lies only rubble. Faded scripts and broken tools remain but little else. #What led me down this exact rabbit hole was a little notetaking project I’ve been working on #and I noticed one episode was subbed by a different team than usual. I got curious what the usual team’s translation looked like. #Turns out it doesn’t look like anything because it no longer exists as far as I can tell. #Not unless someone miraculously still has it after 16-17 years. #…… it feels good to get that off my chest honestly. Even if it is weirdly specific.

[bo0zey]

when gerard way said “when i grow up i want to be nothing at all” i felt those words in my gdamn soul bro

#cried alone in my car parked in my driveway for like 17 minutes #i feel so hopeless and useless and stupid so so so stupid i’ll never be smart enough like the other nurses #i can’t fucking think im too slow i don’t know anything #it’s the emergency room and god for fucking bid i have an emergent patient i don’t know wtf to do ever #i don’t know how to initiate protocols or contact interdisciplinary or put in complex orders i don’t know anything i’m so useless #everyone thinks i’m stupid i’ve been on orientation for like 2 months know and i’m still the same useless stupid novice airhead new grad #i just get so frazzled i feel like everyone expects so much out of me and i have to be perfect to meet their standards #but im stupid im subpar im not good enough like them like #ever if they’ve been nurses for years and i’ve only been working as one for legit 2 months it’s just i still don’t know how to do anything #it’s like i can’t think i don’t do things how they want me to do them and then i look stupid im the attending doctor thinks i’m so dumb but #she wouldn’t even hear me out like i know you want both fluids running i know it’s important but he only has.1 IV and they aren’t compatible #we’re trying to start a second IV and he had difficult veins like why are you trying to tell me i’m stupid i know why you ordered it thatway #it’s like nobody gets my dumbass brain but that’s not their fault bc they can think clearly and convey their thoughts to people without #sounding like a fucking dumbass i have no critical thinking skills im just useless i hate this so much i don’t want to be here it sucks #i never wanted to be a nurse i never wanted to be anything i was 12 years old hoping i’d be dead by 18 #and now i’m 23 and i’m still fucking here but it’s clear i shouldn’t be i don’t fit in im not fit for society #i should be euthanized like an unwanted dog that’s been at the shelter for too long that’s exactly what i am #20min later still crying can’t stop being a fucking crybaby pitypartying myself i’m the worst oh my god grow the fuck up already #why is everything so difficult for me why can’t i just fit in literally everyone knows i don’t belong #i’m the dumbest most useless new grad orientee and EVERYONE knows it even management it’s so embarrassing #i’m so embarrassed to be alive and take up space that could be filled by someone so much better smarter prepared someone meant to be there #i don’t want this i don’t want any of this i never wanted to grow up im just a kid in my head i’m so pathetic #i wish i was smart and good at something i wish people looked at me and thought o wow i respect her bc she’s also a good nurse #nobody likes me i’m such a burden to everyone the doctors my preceptors other nurses who deserve to be there #i’m leaking snot everywhere today wasn’t even that bad but i think it’s all just hitting me now how helpless i am #i’m so tired of myself and waking up and making a fool of myself every shift fucking stupid loser i hate myself i try so hard and it’s not #it’s not enough it’s never enough im not enough im an imposter i’ll never be as good as the other nurses even tho i’m really really trying #i seriously don’t want to do this anymore i don’t want to be here i can’t do it everyone knows i’m not cut out for this they all talk shit #ramblings