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#why am i still in contact
fenixdown · 8 hours ago
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 aka: i’ve got work in two hours and haven’t slept, brainrot
    originally belonging to a misfit bunch of Viera men cast off from their forests, Yuetu was the most recent son taken from home to live alongside the other menfolk. he had only been in their company a few months, roaming the fringes of Yanxia, when the Garleans began to flex their hold over the rural stretches of land. while this was not the last time they would show their strength, it was the Vieran men’s first exposure to their might and their weaponry.
     Yuetu had barely begun to learn how to wield a knife for foraging, let alone self defense, and it was in the shadow of their carnage that the man in charge of the tribe’s boys instructed him to find a place to hide and stay put.
     and so he did, climbing aboard an empty cargo ship and sealing himself into a crate, knife in hand.
     he wasn’t entirely certain how long he hid away, except that the next time he opened his eyes, it was blindingly daylight, and a hyur had opened the crate with a startled shout.
     the ship had docked in Kugane. the deckhand, uncertain as to the circumstances that lead a preteen to fall asleep with a weapon in their hand, quickly called others to take in the sight.
     by dusk that evening, one of the port’s numerous shipwrights had taken the boy home, given him a meal, and tucked him in for the night. after a long discussion with their partner, they decided to allow him to stay until they figured out what had come to pass.
     (and, as they teased, a stork usually brought a baby, not a ship with a child - but rabbits were said to be lucky, and after their wishes proved fruitless for a baby, the hare would do. they called him Jade until he felt comfortable enough speaking his name to them, but by then, it had become his moniker more than Yuetu, anyway.)
     over the next several years, Jade made honest work helping alongside their deckhand parent, but they always had their ears pointed toward Yanxia. by night, they pick-pocketed tourists, stashing coin pieces away to one day be able to purchase a trip back to their home to see if any of their kin had survived.
     as time wore on, however, his hope wore thin. the Garlean’s spread fingers over Yanxia turned into an iron fist, and it quickly became known that no ships would dare dock there.
     as of Stormblood, Jade had found himself fleet of feet and quick of hand - and while never formally trained, he does what he can to aid the liberation of Yanxia.
he’s naturally white-furred and pale eyed, but began dying his hair shortly after arriving at Kugane. it made him blend in just a tad easier among crowds, and made his nightly thievery less obvious. a head of black hair is harder to see in the dark.
over the course of Stormblood and beyond, when he begins fighting in earnest to get home and put his brothers to rest (assuming they are long deceased), he slowly stops dying it as often. seeing him with white roots isn’t uncommon.
he only has four toes on each foot - like rabbits - and went barefoot until he got to Kugane! he hadn’t realized how weird his feet were until a Hyur child pointed it out. he hates wearing shoes, however.
he doesn’t eat meat. it makes him sick to his stomach, actually - he’s just barely become immune to the smell of fish over the years spent in Kugane.
his common is an odd hodge-podge, and most Eorzeans would probably be hard pressed to understand him if he wasn’t consciously trying to slow down and enunciate.
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shantyman · 11 days ago
death and abuse in the tags
#yeah. my nana is gonna die soon and i had been thinking about calling her for *months* and never did#because i never. showed her my transition she never saw me post-op she has. no idea who i am#she's gonna die before ever really meeting me and i am never going to get her to see me and i was. selfish?#to just be so consumed with fear that anything i told her would just make its way back to my old man#because it's been no-contact for maybe like#four years now? coming up on five in october i think. and for good reason. and i can't. see him. y'know. like i can't.#and going to hospice going to a service going anywhere he might be is dangerous. i have almost no family because of hiding from him.#and that is usually. fine. i guess. because i hate most of them anyway they're just as cruel and disgusting but.#i love my uncle joe? i love my sister? and i do love my nana. even if she's hurt me so much too.#i want to at least. see her or pay some respects when i can but i don't know *when* i can because of this hurdle.#i can't go to a service. i am literally unable now to go to my own grandmother's funeral service. because her son decided to [redacted] me#how is. how is that fair how is that like. okay. on any level how is it okay that he gets to keep his family and i am excised from it#the same way his first victim was excommunicated and we were all fed lies about why that was.#it's a violent sickening cycle and i should not be losing so much for the simple crime of being. born. being hurt. scared. sick.#it's complete bullshit and he should be dying honestly. he should be dead for everything he's done.#not that nana isn't just Ready. she is. it's been a long time coming she's 85 she's ready.#but the last few years didn't have to be so fraught with tension and anger and running in circles. i could have just had a grandmother.#in a better world i'd be able to say goodbye like any ordinary grandson. and she would know me as her grandson and it'd be okay.#i was going to write a poem about this a few months ago. something about how she'll never see that i'm a better man than her son.#and the best part is i'm only somewhat a man. but i still have him beat. and. no one will ever see it. i do not exist.#a.txt
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meowmiu · a month ago
so... I'll talk in the tags wtv
#IT FEELS MORE PRIVATE#anyway#I've always wanted to be alone but craved human contact yk.. like i had my best friend but she felt suffocating + my mom convinced me she#was toxic and i was not sure im still not wtv we don't talk anymore#i forgot what i was saying#i wanted that group dynamic my classmates had going on but i could never reach out either bc of her or bc it'd make me really nervous and#scared to talk in front of most of them... idr ever being sure why i felt like that maybe it was fear of judgement? idk but either way#i was always quiet and everyone said i was really chill all the time and then suddenly when i changed schools i started being more open?#like always seeming happy even when i wasn't like a switch got turned on... and this confuses me...#i mean still nobody knows a thing abt me... i don't feel comfortable at all sharing things though i make myself do it sometimes#it makes me so scared to share anything... even my feelings#i always feel like im faking everything when im around ppl... all i feel is inadequacy everything else is either blurred out or not there#idk#im confused#it feels like the past 3 years i created this persona... based on wanting to help ppl and that's not to say that i don't but i managed to#make myself believe i was good at it when im not... or maybe i am idk... i don't think so... and regardless it makes me so anxious#the doing it in person instead of like giving money or gifts or sth ... like say emotional support it makes me so anxious and uncomfortable#im always changing depending on who im with anyway... sometimes i lie and it isn't even on purpose like it's automatic 😭#dude it's so hard to rmr things like as i was typing that last tag it felt real but then i tried rmr an instant and couldn't so now im not#sure if it's real or im making it up wtd#HOW DO I DO THAT#my brain makes no sense sometimes... i feel like i really manage to convince myself im this way and i do these things WHEN I DON'T... wtf#and then i always forget things my past is so blank i can never rmr examples it's like i hv this beliefs with nothing to prove them so then#how do ik if they're real??? 😭#who the fuck am i??#AAAAAAAAH#calypso's
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rockets-and-raccoons · 3 months ago
Ruby's broadcast might bring a United Remenant to Atlas, but Whitley's gonna single-handedly unite Mantle and Atlas before the reinforcements arrive.
#i bet Jaques is gonna flip his shit when he finds out#'whitley why on earth didnt you contact my legal team'#'sorry father i hacked into your computer to use your credentials to use the SDC to save everyone in Mantle'#rwby#rwby v8#rwby spoilers#ruby rose#whitley schnee#look i am NEVER getting over this boy#hes so pure and so good and just wants to help#i feel like its so important that it is the 14 year old kid who brings everyone together too#Whitley has been abused and abandoned and yet the desire to to good and be good is such an innocent act#hes a kid and kids are synonymous with innocence and hope#and he's just out there revealing that despite the mask he wears he is still just a kid who has that innocent belief in being and doing goo#and handing out hope to the people trapped in Mantle#the whole story of RWBY is that acts of kindness are more powerful than acts of fear#and out of the kindness of his heart Whitley Schnee is trying to save Mantle#what an impact that will have#ruby might be the most famous huntress in the world#but Whitley's going to be hailed the hero of Solitas - should he take credit for his idea#something tells me that it's going to be a Schnee victory (should the plan work) and not just a Whitley victory#bc he's a kid who seems to be happy to say 'we' when it involves what is technically His Inheritance#he and Weiss seem to be a team capable of changing Solitas for the better#whitley and weiss are gonna save the schnee family name as a family and i am here for it
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mordredmanor · 3 months ago
#sola said#in this weird headspace rn that's exactly the intersection of#a) thinking about asian american themes and what makes a theme asian american and which characters i hc as asian diaspora and why#and b) making ocs for dnd stuff with friends for the first time! one that's just for fun to think about but also characters i'm gonna PLAY#and i'm super excited but it's also been a while since i've done original stuff at all#when i'm doing fandom stuff i feel like i usually stick pretty close to canon#and so these two things intersected in the exact place that's like#you know what would be fun?#reading back the rp forums you were on in 2013!#oh little baby sola#i have so much affection still for like#my past self who was writing there#and for friends there (i am not. in contact with them anymore. some folks got real conservative real fast)#and for what i wrote there#but like. oh little baby sola#i spent so long as a kid writing all my characters white#and on this forum (it's still up it's still moderated there are kids there who are the same age i was when i was posting there.#i have a lot of affection for it as a place i think was a good way to learn how to Be Online back then)#i can read back and see how i started slowly making my characters mixed#being a little bit more asian. never more than half.#some real asian girl with blue eyes stuff / some real white girl with japanese name stuff#i spent so long as a kid with the Compulsory Fantasy Whiteness#making all my characters white or mixed for no good reason#i was half joking with AJ earlier but like#i served my time on those forums. that era is over#now not only are all my OCs asian#in fact now other people's characters in my hcs? they're asian too. fight me. (points beam of vietnameseness at gorgug thistlespring- )#all this to say like. i was a little kid when i wrote those forum posts! i was trying then and i'm trying now so i look back and know better#i don't think i'll ever stop unlearning but like. we unlearn and we stay compassionate to our younger selves who hadn't done that yet#and we keep learning and we keep growing (but sometimes it is funny to look back)
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nonbinarydean · 4 months ago
#dont mind me#personal#there was a tiktok meme asking about where is ur bully now compared to u#and like. the only thing i had i consider a bully was my exbff from middle school that was probably my first crush#and like. shes fine. shes hot. she put out an album. she seems to have good friends that arent from our high school#and it makes me nostalgic to look at her instagram and know that if she had never done anything to me we would probably still be best friend#shes the kind of person i would become freinds with in class#and i miss her? the relationship we couldve had and maintained ? but it went into the shitter bc she decided to tell (many) eople that i was#having anonymous sex w people out of state in 6th grade. all behind my back. at first i  had given her permission#but i didnt know what shw was going to do when i told her i wanted to be popular. i didnt even conceive that shed do that to me#my parents made me stop being in contact w her and i left the gifted class bc she was in it. in 7th grade i talked to her a few times.#but after that i literallly did not talk to her until high school graduation. she was behind me and i told her her hat was acting up#like she was in the theatre club at our hs and i always wanted to do theater but my shyness + she was there kept me out#i never had a class with her again either#which idk if the administration knew about waht happened or if thats just how it played out#and i still rmr all this stuff about her. abot the stuff we talked about ! and for what !#i dont need to know her birthday. or the username from her old stardoll account. or exactly how to spell her name bc so many people would ge#get it wrong. why am i upset about this now its been close to ten years#probably bc if nothing bad had ever happened i wouldbe had the same best friend for 12 years insted of feeling like i have to make a brand#new friend every school year. we probably met in 3rf grade but we became friends in 4th grade#well thats enough. goodnight every1#and just a note this isnt even about comparing where we are in life its missing a person thats been out of#my life longer than they were ever really in it bc i can see them flourishing and i know we couldve been really good friends#if things had turned out differently
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lundilalune · 5 months ago
ugh i just woke up and I'm alreaddyyy in a rambling mood,, too many thoughts and nobody to comfortably talk to,,,,,
i think my parents have kinda fucked up the way i interact w adults,,, im realizing now that i always expect them to act similarly?? like i'm Actually kind of scared of my friends' parents/family members even when they're nice and apparently like me,,, and with my teachers i'm afraid of coming off as "disrespectful" and it's always shocking when any adult does something Small my parents Don't Do and i just think "is it really that bad???" like the coach for one of my extracurriculars,, whenever she wants to address me (thus far just online) she always does it privately/sends other people away and it touches me so much that it makes me want to cry bc privacy is huge to me and I'm just so used to my parents trampling all over mine to the point where I reflexively try to "hide"/"protect" anything i care about (never leaving my poems out in the open, like literally having them either in a notebook under my bed or double password protected in my phone,,) and it feels so stupid and irrational until my parents eat some of my snacks and call Me wrong for getting upset about it,,,, and so I'm always so freaking shocked when someone not only recognizes my boundaries but respects them as well,,
but then there's a painful issue in which if i like people i might idealize them? think of them as too perfect and then whenever they do something upsetting or i do something (or even think about) doing something "wrong" to/around them,, shit really hits the fan in my head??
geehhh school makes me hate myself sometimes but when i'm stable enough i can admit that i'm smart,,, i'm really good at reflecting on myself/my actions and mayhaps a certain shade of self-psychoanalysis (probablyyyy not entirely healthy but Understanding/being able to explain to myself what the hell is happening and why gives me a sense of control,,) and i really wish i had a therapist just to tell me what to Do with thoughts like these,, like i need help knowing right from wrong/someone i can trust to just like,,, dump all of the shit in my brain on
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fractallogic · 7 months ago
Did I just spend 25 minutes researching how to get a marriage license in PA and also what kind of marriage license to get because APPARENTLY for the “normal” kind you have to have a religious leader with an ACTIVE FUCKING CONGREGATION to marry you and if, say, you want to have someone meaningful to marry you, you really ought to just get a “Quaker” or self-uniting marriage license that requires two witnesses to sign that yes you did just promise yourselves to each other in front of us because, again, this is how it has to happen unless you hire an officiant who HAS AN ACTIVE CONGREGATION
Did I also just spend 4.5 minutes ranting about this in a whatsapp voice message to scone? Oh you better fucking believe I did (good morning sweetheart I know you want to hear about this first thing in the morning lol whoops sorry)
Did I ALSO just work myself up into a hiccuping fit because of all of this? APPARENTLY SO
So anyway, scone and I are planning to become married on paper when he comes in January so that we have a suitable amount of time to wait before he applied for a change of status (OR so that we can be legally married before I leave the fucking country for one of these jobs please hire me) before he comes back in May so that he can start that process before our wedding and hopefully finish it before NEXT December/January so that he can both get into the country (apparently it’s frowned upon/suspicious to be a foreign national with a change of status application still processing when you enter the country?? And can get you denied entry????) AND be hired more easily because blah blah blah machisimo culture means he can’t be a house-husband or financially reliant on anyone except himself
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