#why am i bringing up trauma

[andthebeanstalk]

Me: hm, I want something to put on the TV as background noise... Huh. Looks like YouTube is recommending something called The Last Unicorn. That's perfect, it's probably some old shitty animation that has aged poorly! I can watch it ironically!

Me, 2 hours later as the credits roll: *crying, cheering, buying the book, composing the songs*

Me, 2 weeks later: So I have compiled all of the quotes from the book that I think could make good tattoos, and also, HOW HAVE I NEVER LEARNED ABOUT HOW THE LAST UNICORN FUCKING SLAPS??? This gay-ass little fairytale fed my soul! Watered my crops! Transed my gender! Can't believe I heard of this story from youtube recommendations, of all places!!

#original #the last unicorn #tlu #peter s beagle #molly gru #schmendrick #schmendrick the magician #two of my favorite characters in anything right there in the center of the story! and I'm glad I saw the film first! #my reading ability has diminished due to trauma disability etc. but it seems like having a visual reference actually really helped! #no wonder i only ever want to read fan fic! turns out reading is not actually Superior to other types of Storytelling. it's just different. #to say otherwise is snobbishness I have been eminently guilty of in my life! #but like it is easier for me to consume tv and movies and that is fine actually. also that's why I'm doing a graphic novel lol #because i wanted to make something i would actually be able to read if i found it at a library. altho the audio book IS gonna be bomb #the audiobook is for visually impaired readers and anyone who wants or needs it! accessible stories for everyone! yeah!! #my gender was already transed but now I've gained an ADDITIONAL gender! which one? I'll never tell 😘 #i am so powerful i have so much fuckin gender. my wife has no gender. and she is equally as powerful. #and also she has STUDIED THE BLADE #mostly zoro's blades from One Piece #normally YouTube recommends me shit movies like idiocracy or smth this is like if every day ur cat brought you a piece of rotten food and #then one day it brings you a BEAUTIFULLY ANIMATED TALE FEATURING MY BELOVED TWINK FUCK-UP WIZARD FRIEND AND MY ALL-TIME HOMEGIRL MOLLY GRU #and also it's soft and beautiful and funny and fucking weird!! i wrote melodies to the songs in the books on my ukulele

[mudstoneabyss]

actually. the specific phrasing that boy Kevin wants to kill older Kevin with "I must disassemble him, piece by piece, so that everything inside of the Old Kevin comes out. Only then can the New Kevin truly begin." is so incredibly the idea that to heal from trauma and "improve" you have to destroy every "wrong" part of yourself, that everything "tainted" by it has to somehow be replaced by something untouched (which isn't possible)

#reading back that phrasing I do think that'll be the way brinknor takes it #this arcs seeming like it'll be so. breaking the cycle of abuse and violence and coming to terms with yourself #and maybe understanding that you can never remove the parts of you impacted by trauma and start again completely ''pure'' #but you can treat yourself with the kindness you should've been given #which i hope it is that because. and understand i am biased. but i'd love that direction for Kevin #it feels much more satisfying than any more. angsty way this arc could go imo #like he's been through enough! #because of the way Kevin is portrayed in fanon. not as frequently anymore but still pretty common. I worry about coming off as woobifying #by saying I want him to heal I want him to have nice things I think he deserves them #when he's also simultaneously Not A Good Person #yknow the poor little innocent cinnamon roll baby etc etc fanon #but. well for one im Not Like That about him. but my main point of bringing that up is. him not being a good person is why I want to see hi #get better and generally have a good life. why does someone have to be good to deserve to heal from trauma #especially when trauma is a big reason for the way they are #like its fiction yeah yeah i'm still tired of mentally ill people having to be ''good'' to ''deserve'' to get better yknow #i mean especially in fiction you tend to either see mental illness as the poor traumatized one who's allowed recovery because they're nice #or the insane psychopath who cant be ''fixed'' so ''deserves'' bad things-up to deserving to die!- for it #i didnt mean for this to be a rant erm. oops #wtnv #wtnv spoilers #joyousposting

[dennisboobs]

im gonna let you guys in on a little secret.

the more macden shippers shit on other pairings, the more multishippers like me will move towards their secondary and/or tertiary pairings. if i can't go into the charden tag without seeing a post intentionally tagged with multiple ships and trying to spark discourse between them by saying people who ship "rarepairs" are stupid and delusional, first of all, that's an instant fucking block, but like. I'm not going to feel like talking about macdennis when it feels like there's such an obnoxious pressure on you to fall into line and accept the widely preached and accepted fanon canon.

I love macden too. and I would post about and enjoy it a lot more if y'all didn't make it feel like we had to pick a side. just because you prefer the big popular ship, that doesn't make you smarter, or more correct than anyone who ships charden or charmac, it just means you have different preferences. i think macden has the biggest chance of being an actual couple on the show, and obviously mac and dennis are both gay and queer respectively, but if i want to ship charden, why can't i do that too? fandom is supposed to be fun, and it's supposed to be enjoyable, i don't want to have to fight to prove that this ship that i personally see working and enjoy the dynamics of is a "valid ship" when i am fully aware that they're not going to be canon that's kind of the point, and why i prefer it. and for the love of god... if you hc a pairing as platonic, that is perfectly fine. that's how i see charmac myself, but that is your view and your problem, not the shippers'. just block the tag so you don't have to see it if it bothers you that much.

and i don't like several of the other common rarepairs, but have any of you ever seen me talking shit on charmac or chardee shippers? no. stay in your lane and let people live. i'm sick of seeing people acting superior over a fucking it's always sunny in philadelphia ship.

#ada speaks #i am so tired #of feeling like im being judged constantly because of this lmao #its fine if you dont see charden personally but shut the fuck up about it #i purposefully mangle the word mac//den so it doesn't show up in tags if im being critical of their dynamic #AND I SHIP THEM SO LIKE. #i am just vibing bro! i just want to write about charden shared trauma! #idk how its seemingly so hard to understand why people would ship other members of the gang #theyre like. friends. #people crackship characters in other FANDOMS and this is somehow the hill you choose to die on re: 'delusional' ships? #i think its based as hell for people to ship people who've never interacted actually because it brings out cool fucking dynamics #that you wouldnt normally see in canon! have your fave blorbos interact who gives a shit #just so frustrating to feel like you need to justify Why you ship characters when its.... rlly not that farfetched #and yet people will actively vague and point and laugh at you for shipping characters whove been friends for the majority of their life #okay rant over im just. huheeuheu

[ephemeral-winter]

hmm i am also getting a lot of errors when i try to boop someone new perhaps the whole thing is broken

#it's tumblr i'm not surprised but i am sad and feel left out of the playground game which brings up abs #olutely zero trauma for me why do you ask

[just-an-anxious-mess]

I'm glad there is apparently no more conflict between us but I can't help but be bitter. Why couldn't you be there for me, be supportive and listen to me when I was still a kid desperate for attention and praise and approval. I appreciate your support now but I am furious on behalf of that poor child who would do anything to have this kind of parent. As an adult I'm thankful for your help but my inner child will never forgive your absence.

I mourn the person I could have been if this support had been present from the start instead of after I'd been kicked out.

#sami talks too much #just an anxious mess rambling #childhood trauma #toxic parents #wounded inner child #neglectful parents #unsupportive family #family issues #why is it when i no longer live with them that they turn into the parents i always wanted as a child? #its not fair #im both sad and angry on my younger selfs behalf #its not like i can even ask why or bring up any of my childhood #not without being told I'm misremembering or being dramatic #they'll never admit what they did #and that in and of itself kins of crushes me #they'll never admit that they're the reason im the way i am today #there are so many past versions of me for me to mourn

[atlantis-just-drowned]

IF YOU ARE SLAMMING YOUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS ONTO ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING AND ANYONE YOU ARE A DICK

IF YOU ANSWER TO LITERALLY ANYONE OPENING UP ABOUT THEIR STRUGGLES BY TRYING TO CONVERT THEM TO YOUR RELIGION YOU ARE A FUCKING BITCH AND I HATE YOU

IF YOU CAN'T HAVE A NORMAL CONVERSATION WITHOUT BRINGING UP THE TOPIC OF HOW WONDERFUL AND SUPERIOR YOUR RELIGION IS YOU ARE A PRICK

IF YOU TELL STRANGERS THAT YOUR RELIGION IS THE ONLY SOLUTION TO ALL OF THEIR PROBLEMS WITHOUT MAKING SURE THEY ARE OKAY WITH THIS SUBJECT YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE

FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOUR BITCHASS GOD!!! FUCK YOUR MOTHERFUCKING RELIGION!!!

#whispers from atlantis #I FUCKING HATE THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE #THEY ARE MAKING ME FERAL #IF SOMEONE TELLS ME ONE MORE TIME THE SOLUTION TO MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES IS FUCKING CHRISTIANISM I WILL BURN A CHURCH I SWEAR #YES THAT'S GREAT HOLYFUCKING JESUS HELPED YOU COULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT NOW BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK #NO ONE ASKED FOR YOUR SHITTY OPINION #I DON'T CARE IF IT HELPED *YOU* IT DOESN'T MEAN IT WILL HELP EVERYONE ELSE SO WHY DO YOU BRING IT IN THE CONVERSATION #AT LEAST ASK IF THE PERSON IS OKAY WITH IT??? WHY CAN'T YOU AT LEAST ASK CONSENT BEFORE BRINGING THIS TOPIC??????????? #I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY #vent tw #tw religion #tw religious themes #tw religious trauma #tw christianity #tw angry #cw vent #cw religion #cw religious themes #cw religious mention #cw christianity #ALL OF THOSE TRIGGER WARNINGS EXIST FOR A REASON YOU SEE?? #BECAUSE THERE ARE PEOPLE WITH RELIGIOUS TRAUMAS OUT THERE #AND SOME OF THEM ARE CAUSED BY *YOUR* FUCKING RELIGION #SO STOP BEING A DICK #cw anger #tw anger #tw swearing #cw swearing #tw blasphemy

[robotpussy]

everyday I am reminded of why I stopped getting into fandoms

#i always knew the stranger things fandom was being RACIST towards calen but i never really knew why #but today he spoke about his trauma and i am so angry and i was told before a really racist character has a fanbase #but they all hate caleb because he was 'mean to eleven in season 1' 😐 but you lot are fanning over a literal racist? #but im not surprised just angry because why are you attacking a child over a character he didnt write? all he did was act in the show? #but for alot of black actors this is the reality. fandoms will attack the black actors for literally doing their jobs #and i know they do this shit (redeeming villianous white characters and demonizing black characters) because they already hate black ppl #and poc so they just look for any excuse they can find to hate that character without ever having to say they don't like a character cause #they aren't white. that is literally how covert racism works. and ik im talking about fandom but this reflects on irl too #white people think they have a right to be racist towards black ppl and poc when we aren't 'nice' to them like we need to earn sympathy #there are so many instances i could bring up about white ppl not listening to black ppl and poc but im tired #ill touch on this later

[krispiecake]

currently thinking about how when i told my dad to tell my mother i would not be speaking to her until she apologised she just. straight up stopped even trying to contact me. like, not even a text. absolutely insane how much this woman refuses to admit that maybe she was wrong about how she handles some things. she cannot swallow her pride to even do this one really small basic show of respect. fucking mental.

#like…… i think she said ‘im sorry it came out rude’ right after it happened but. GIRL. #THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SHOULD BE APOLOGISING FOR AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT. #she knows full well that what she said was inappropriate invalidating triggering and insulting #AND that i have repeatedly asked her NOT to say it over the past few years. #and yet she just says ‘sorry it came out rude’???? like not ‘im sorry i said that’ not ‘i was wrong and insulting and disrespectful of ur #boundries that youve had in place for years now’ #and like she keeps doing this again and again and again with so many fucking things #she just has no respect for my mental health issues or who i am or like just me as a person #its near constant. shes always subtly calling me dramatic and ridiculous and telling me that im stupid and that its all my fault #but the moment i try to bring up anything like this to her just just yells #and goes ‘oh i get it im a horrible mum well i tried my best and i put in so much work’ ect ect ect #like i was sharing with her biosocial theory and how i think that bcause we have never different ways of regulating out emotions #it meant i was never taught to do it properly/in a way that works for me and that combined with my autism and my trauma likely led to my bpd #and when i tried to explain that it wasnt anyones fault its just that we’re different ppl and there was no way she couldve knows #she was like ‘ohhhh so its MY fault? hm? I’M the reason youre like this!?’ #and she looks down on me so fucking much for my ed and for sh and really just for any symptoms i show bc #why cant i deal with things properly like HER. #idk its so exhausting like i just want a proper apology from my own fucking mother but no. #shes doing the exact same thing that she berates and mocks and looks down on me for. #ugh i feel like screaming

[sickgraymeat]

sorry for all the weird personal and/or rambly text posts! and also for posting like 12000000 in two minutes and then not at at all for 12000 years and so on. this is another dumb one so by way of apology i offer this doodle of a mysterious and handsome stranger (shh they’re in disguise)

#if you don’t read the tags you can still like for the mysterious and handsome stranger it won’t be weird! #but here’s another one lol #is it a thing to have a really slow emotional reaction time #like ppl think I’m passive aggressive or just not honest which is sometimes true #but sometimes it’s like I don’t feel upset until later #and then it’s like ‘why are you bringing that up now when you didn’t seem upset earlier’ #so I usually just don’t bring it up at all #sometimes it’s definitely like a consequence of prioritizing everyone’s else’s feelings #and/or sometimes probably just compartmentalizing bc I can’t feel yet #but also I think sometimes it really just doesn’t hit for no other reason #blah idk #it feels like one of my biggest barriers to communication? #one of lol #I have been this way as long as I can remember but that doesn’t rule out it being a trauma thing :( #ok I’m screenshotting these tags to ask my therapist but like if anyone knows what I’m talking abt #it would be cool to know I’m not the only one? #via like or anything whatever #sorry guys I know I am just so much and if you follow me and your dash likes to show you my posts #it’s probably so annoying and I’m really sorry!! #jus talkin #if you unfollow/block me that’s totally cool #but I do hope to be somewhat more functioning and make more content that is less shit at some point haha #mine

[nightly-ruse]

I think I may be a little odd

#I’ve been thinking about like everything/neg/pos/breakdown inducing #and I think I’m mentally I’ll #like yeah no shit but also it’s very clear #I literally got out of breath the other day talking about wolves and Yellowstone bc I was talking so fast about them #also have very wild mood swings paired with abandonment issues constant shame for ppl caring about me and trauam over friendships bc #so many have gone wrong and I’ve been forever changed or abandoned (both in one case) #I mean I met this girl at a school meet and she just reminded me of a person who hurt me. they had the same same mannerisms looked similar #besides the hair and I had a full panic attack. I feel bad about that she probably was really nice #or how I feel sick just thinking about the local park bc it’s where I was forced to hang out with a ex friend that wrecked me #such a mixing bowl of bad traits #I can focus I can’t remember I’m either too lazy or too hyper to stay still I can’t regulate tone well and scare myself constantly just by #talking. relationships always end in a burning bridge even when they were so good bc I get so paranoid and scared they’ll leave that I leave #myself. jumping to crazy conclusions to the point I start hallucinating due to stress #I mean how do I even explain to my therapist that my only good friends ended with me skipping school the last days bc I thought one died. #she actually just left school early. #that one I kinda get even tho it’s fucking nuts bc tjat year has mentally burned me so goddamn much but still #and even tho I’ve kinda had a constant itch that something completely explains why I’m this way but am too scared to bring it up bc of #change and trauma related to bringing up my own mental health #I don’t even know what thsi is anymore sorry #should just shut up and sleep #I’ll be fine by morning anyways so what does it even fucking matter #ruse rambles #vent tag

[caffeinatedopossum]

I just realized something really sad

I have two best friends outside of tumblr (my only irls that aren't roommates basically) and one of them I try to talk to constantly but she doesn't always respond, in fact she kind of barely does. I want to talk to her all the time but I always feel like I'm boring her or like she doesn't understand why I can't do some of the things I can't do.

The other one is always trying to talk to me, usually trying to call me. But I rarely ever pick up or respond or text first. My relationship with her is really complicated because some of my alters are very hurt from some things she did a while ago, others just don't trust her, and then the ones that front when we talk love her.

I have so many mixed feelings and the switches triggered by that mean I always don't answer or forget because I have dissociative amnesia about her trying to contact me in the first place... I don't know, I don't want to make excuses for myself but I genuinely don't know if this is a valid reason for treating her the way I do or if I'm an awful friend. Of course, it could also be both. I just don't know what to do. I don't want her to feel neglected by me like I sometimes do with my other friend.

#for some context about what the things that hurt these alters were ill elaborate here in the tags #so me and friend 2 have been friends for a very long time. since i was about 13-14 and were both adults now #i was raised Christian and it deeply traumatized me. i didnt deconvert until i was about 17 and even then was back and forth #i know theres a lot of variability in Christianity and maybe not everyone raised Christian will be traumatized #but i really really was. and if youve seen some of my posts about my religious trauma youll know why #when i was 18 i had just moved out of my moms house and was basically crashing on a friends couch/floor #i was extremely stressed and vulnerable at the time #and during that time my friend tried to reconvert me #i dont remember exactly what she said but it devolved into arguing and i had a panic attack over it at least once #we didnt talk for a while #shes also stated pretty directly before that she believes being transgender (which i am) is wrong #i let it slide because she apologized and stopped pushing the matter #she almost never brings it up anymore #and parts of me forgive her but other parts don't #i feel like i should also talk about the ways that shes a good friend because this is gonna make it seem really one sided otherwise #so for one shes been with me through the hardest years of my life #talking me down from taking my life late into the nights... being there when no one else was... reminding me that im worth something #shes been patient and kind and supportive all this time #she was also the person who eventually got me to realize that my parents and even my siblings were abusive and neglectful #which was a very big deal for me #i wouldnt have lived this long without her suppory #even now she checks in on me #making sure im not suicidal and reminding me that shes here for me #always reaching out if i havent responded in a while just to make sure im okay #she also struggles with a lot of the same stuff as me having had ptsd depression and an eating disorder before #so she helps me feel less alone #but now i dont ever feel close to her #and i dont know if i ever will again #i feel cruel for not telling her the truth if i haven't forgiven her yet but I don't think itd do any good for her to know

[andthebeanstalk]

Happy to report I'm no longer responding to the religious people on my posts! Apologies to anyone who may have taken the psychic damage of seeing that unexpectedly!

It had been a while since I had purposely kicked a metaphorical wasp nest so I guess I was overdue. I am simply a sexy fool. 🙄 I do it a lot less nowadays tho, which is good!

I did genuinely set out at first to get information about how Catholics reconcile certain paradoxes within their faith, and then I was like oh right oh no I just remembered why I stopped doing this

On the upside I DID actually learn a lot; even if part of what I learned was don't tag Catholic tumblr in your posts about Catholicism, Jack. (Listen. I'm a work in progress! 😅)

And now I am very dedicated to putting a priest in my graphic novel who fucks a demon. Which I was going to draw anyway, so I might as well make it work with the story. For art. And penises.

Anyway, I hear the song "Godsend" by Trebuchet and I go a little bit insane in a good way. It's like if Supernatural was good and also a song. I'd really like to capture that energy in my work. There's also this song called "the queer gospel" that I love very much, which is about the inherent holiness of queerness and queer community regardless of if there's a god. (I actually made a burlesque routine for that song once, and more than one person said it made them cry happy tears! Which is a hell of a point of pride for me! AND a hell of a point of Pride!)

*okay if someone sends me an anonymous message that makes me laugh out loud and not feel rancid, then I will answer it if it brings me joy and I have a funny response. I will tag it accordingly and then block that person as soon as they stop being funny. But I'm good on debate and philosophy now. I got my answer. I had forgotten what those answers looked like. But I am grateful for (and moderately horrified by) the reminder. Please see the tags for an explanation of my new favorite phrase involving a man, heliocentrism, and one very hot piece of wood~

#Catholicism tw #Christianity cw #religious trauma #original #diary #I included that little addendum because at some point someone sent me a message that included the sentence #'I am Galileo being burned at the stake!' and I have not been able to get that phrase out of my mind. I'm not sure why they said it #and I'm not sure how ironic they were being and I'm not sure they know that Galileo was not burned at the stake #he was put on house arrest and threatened with torture. and considering that this persecution was done by a -fairly prominent organization- #it was kind of wild to bring up out of context. Galileo burned at the steak! after leading France against the witch trials!! #I need to allow myself the ability to respond to a message like that because every time I've had a quiet moment today my brain is like #I AM GALILEO BEING BURNED AT THE STAKE #and then I giggle imagining someone just bringing that phrase into any number of situations and with no lead up #stubbing my toe like #I AM GALILEO. BURNED AT THE STAKE FOR MY WHORISH SINS. WOE! WOE UNTO ME! #it must be one of those phrases that fits into an accidental poetic meter #like a Shakespeare Sonnet. 'and if you no longer my true love should take. then i am Galileo. burned at the stake!' #again I cannot emphasize enough that I have no idea if they were saying I'm acting like Galileo or they're saying they are Galileo? #or even how science came up at all since that wasn't really what we were talking about? #and I think that's the beauty of it. at the end of the day I think we're ALL Galileo burned at the stake #i don't care if you don't know the minutiae of history but i AM gonna roast you for using Galileo as an example in support of the Church #and for sending me fully incoherent messages. galileo didn't die at the stake for this! he died for our sins! which i am if anything #FURTHER away from understanding than i was yesterday #but i got more than i needed.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

i think watching the Young Volcanoes music video at age 13 altered my brain chemicals in irreparable ways

#just rewatched it like #oh yeah. ive always been into cannibalism huh #<< NVM FORGET I WORDED IT LIKE THAT #AS A CONCEPT. I MEAN. LIKE. #MAN. #i am suddenly like. filled with the need to take back everything i enjoyed from the ages of 12-15 @ #and like #reclaim them Without The Trauma #and really all im doikg is like. drowning myself in nostalgia and Oh Wow Why Didnt I Remember THAT Happening Before #like . bringing up memories of shit that have NO RIGHT to be in my brain rn #being sick and working full closing shifts through it the entire time fucked me up so bad actually i think #i get home at 10pm like OH BOY time to self destruct

[bluinary]

Me in a personal, untagged, year-old post: I stand in solidarity with jewish people! Yk Black ppl were also demonized and imprisoned during the H*locaust, so our struggles are actually connected, I didn't know this before!

Some chronically online asshat: what about Slav and Romani ppl. We were oppressed in the H*locaust too. 😡

Me: yea I know. I'm talking to my jewish peeps rn though. Also who are you?

Asshat: YOU KNOW,, AS A SLAV I WAS OPREST TOO. .....MENTION ALL OF US IT MAKES NO SENSE OTHERWISE

Me: DUDE HOW DID YOU FIND THIS POST

#blu babbles #get off my blog homie!! #for the record: yes yeah of course i also stand in solidarity with romani and slavic ppl???? #yall havent had a history of tension with the black community though. thats like me iterating i support latinx ppl. #like....obviously hello????? yeah???? #and in america ppl of slavic descent are about as oppressed as italians #yall joined the white social class some time ago. not to say ppl still aren't anti slavic in a demeaning way but uh yeah. #there's not much to report from me there. my one slavic acquaintance is also an immigrant #and i like and respect him. and think yeah he should also have equitable rights and tools to heal from generational trauma. #i dont even know if i know a romani person irl. you see a few in south texas you can arrange us a meeting i guess #but yeah. uh. class wise they were poc. in a europe that didnt even rly have a concept of 'colored' vs 'white' classes. #so yeah. yes. fucking of course theyre important and have my solidarity. im vocal about including them in convos #and am quick to educate those who still use anti-romani slurs. #but again....that specific community has no history of tension with the blk community. why would i bring them up #i made that post in reconciliation with a book i head read by a jewish author with some.......problematic assertions. to say the least #and i was researching black/ jewish relations and ties throughout history. weve had quite a love-hate relationship it seems. #too many blk ppl are specifically antisemitic. and there are many ppl of jewish descent who are hella racist/ anti-black. #the other oppressed groups in the h*locaust dont necesitate conversation or a clear statement of how i feel. jewish ppl do #the post in question was made in 2020 but this is especially relevant now that i work for a jewish school.

[sinningvin]

Imagine getting triggered over Toontown corporate clash dialogue couldn’t be me

#god this is the lamest side effect of ptsd #or just trauma in general #unhealthy management of stress? constantly being on edge? being scared to socialize? #nah this is the worst part because it’s so embarrassing #anyways ‘can you say owch?’ Flint bonpyre your days are numbered #god man if you hate belittliling why do you do it to me #why are you like this #is everyone else like this? #‘hi I’m your narrator. Cody is now going to go into a brief downward spiral questioning if his f/os love him and why he is always bullied’ #I mean if flints like this are other cogs like this too? in the cog suit description I think there was a part talking about manipulating - #deals and toons #and now I’ve been really worried that my f/os #(specifically Misty (because my abuser was a woman and as a result I was scared to talk and make friends with girls) and Allan (because #-he’s a higher ranking cog)) #wouldn’t actually love me and would manipulate and hurt me in our relationships #and I’m scared they would take the chance to infantilize me and condescend me #and I have absolutely massive trauma relating to that #also if you bring up that Misty was treated badly I was bullied severely by many kids that were bullied too #like I would see it play out two or three years before they would call me slurs and shit #so I’m scared it might be like that #I don’t know why people don’t like me and consider me the lowest of the low #I think it’s because I’m neurodivergent and transgender #but everyone hated me #the only person who would really hang out with me the whole year was actually really creepy towards me #and the others all went away because the school was shut #I don’t know I’m just scared my f/os would infantilize and hurt me for the same reasons my abuser and every who bullied me did #if that makes sense #like I’m actually tweaking I’m panicking #why am I always the denizen that has to suffer #it’s always me