#which. bleh already but also

[quatregats]

Honestly the worst part of all of this is that I'm going straight to India tomorrow night, which is a lose-lose situation because (1) I know that I'm not going to have any time to rest if I'm going from being sleep-deprived from finals and being sleep-deprived from traveling with a 10 1/2 hour time difference and also basically being in transit for like 5 days straight, making me really not feel motivated to put in the extra push and get these essays over with, and (2) I really wanted this India visit to be a good trip, like I want to take pictures of my family house and brush up on Malayalam and just in general go in with intentionality and get the most out of it, because it's the first time I'm going back in >10 years and also it might well be the last time I get to go to Kerala (at least in a family capacity), but everything is shaking up for this to be a fever dream in which I am mostly just miserable and sleep deprived and if I'm lucky I'll come out of it remembering anything at all. Like I don't even have the post-finals hit of relief that you're done, and even worse, I don't even get a good trip to India. Plus on top of that I'm missing Christmas at home entirely, which is really not helping.

#my dad was apparently also miserable when leaving for this trip and honestly i can't blame him #like i will grit my teeth and do this but i'd rather not be doing it with gritted teeth at all!! i want it to be a good time!!!!! #but everything is just kind of bleh instead!!!! #i hate it here so much i have two essays to write for tomorrow and i have to do my laundry and pack and i'm already so tired #i know i should get off tumblr but it's legitimately so hard to feel motivated about anything rn #at least family will provide socialization which i do think i desperately need #but also there's talk of going to weddings for couples i don't know and visiting random people and i don't have the bandwidth #so the socialization might also go south tbh #perce rambles

[monsterbisexual]

feeling like im being driven to my execution (its a drs appointment)

#p #also thats a little dramatic but i do hate them so much #i was feelin like well ill be uncomfortable n miserable but its not the end of the world #buuuut then i remembered (TMI AHEAD U HAVE BEEN WARNED) #that last month ish when i was here for an actual concern (n agreed to this physical bleh) #i was told im overdue for another pap smear n like they cant force me into it ofc but i know its smart to do it #cuz i already have lots of anxieties abt what if i secretly have some disease or condition n im gonna die blah blah blahh #but last time it was so awful n i was like crying thru it cuz of the pain which. isnt normal #googling it afterwards i found ppl saying stuff like 'it might be weird n uncomfortable but not too bad' #so i was like well ok thats just me then i guess :/ #n anyway i def think i have that condition called w/e cuz ive never been able to do any kind of like. anything in there #not like day to day its a huge deal but for this its not too fortunate :/ #so long story short i remembered ill have to decide if ill let them do it again at this appt #n i was reading abt the process again n then uh oh crying -_- #omw now n idk what ill do tbh. def wanna say no but also idk i shld be responsible or smth #dies instead. #n anyway even if its just the super basic physical theyre gonna do ill still wanna become an incorporeal entity thing #hate it hereeeee (body) #its a PA im seeing who i remember being nice some other time i saw her so theres that at least #theyre gonna wanna weigh me tho i forgot that too jeez #i said no last time but idk. kms

[aliferous-ly]

i kinda wanna sell crochet work but I'm scawed 🙇 online shops seem like so much work aaahhhhhhh

#my mom says i have an eye for fun colors and unique projects so it must be true !!!!! #🥺 #but i can crochet while lying down which is. huge #i started like.. two months ago? but im kinda obsessed. this shawl im working on... yall. yall. #i made this one dice tray and immediately wanted to try one with an embroidered dragon #so im like. i can make dice trays and bags with unique embroidery.. like cr or other dnd references .... #the dragon one looks cool but the backside is meh because embroidery. which is annoying bc both sides will be visible at points #bleh bleh bleh #also i could start on etsy. i suppose. i just know etsy takes an obnoxious amount of money #and crochet work is Already hard to price

[todayisafridaynight]

every day i thank god for the like. one or two japanese minedai artists who make mine the embodiment of 🥺 while also still making him. mine.

#snap chats #LIKE I LOVE A LOT OF MINEDAI ARTISTS DONT GET IT TWISTED at this point im very lenient because. im hungry #also a lot of the art genuinely is super perfect and amazing and Thank You God its just that theres a particular itch i get sometimes yk #its my favorite flavor..... and damn no body ever does it 😭😭 #'what does it mean to be mine snap' it means he's mine. and he goes 🥺when daigos around. which is very mine but #you know what i mean. like he still does taxes and scares everyone but then daigo show up and he like :) #i never see mine dokidoki.... 'snap what the fuck does that mean' IF YOU KNOW YOU KNOW i dont have to explain myself.... #i must see mine be swooned more... my life depends on it.. #dis a shout out to all the people who make mine dokidoki actually.... like that anon who sent the fic.... youre my hero... #like may i be so bold.... may i be so forthcoming... daigo has mine whipped yet i always see mine as the instigator... #or more forward. if i may put it safe for the eyes of babies. #im pickyyyy i knowww its why im saying my praises now 😔 #in the worst twist of irony i wanna draw but not them. not rn anyway. #BLEH lemme write a bit and we'll see what happen anyway thats my minedai ramble for the month #oh god wait didnt i already do one of those. oh no the demons are gonna have my head for going over the quota

[battywitch]

Fucking hell this might be the worst Halloween I've ever had 🙄😒

#nothing particularly horrible has happened it's just a shitty day #i went to bed with a migraine and slept 4 hours (which is fine) but i woke up with the same migraine #some other pain issues are also being a problem and my knee keeps trying to sublux #my partner is working basically a double shift #and there's a bunch of other stuff that just keeps adding up #it's... well. it's not ''fine'' but i was already stressed and irritated because all of October was kinda bleh #so i was hoping at least halloween would go as planned

[trans-cuchulainn]

i wish i could convince my brain that my workplace / being at work / doing my job is in fact safe

i know that there are some objective dangers involved (like covid and the fact that i'm the only person in the goddamn building wearing a mask) but emotionally i wish it felt safer so that i didn't feel like i was putting traumabrain through a blender every goddamn day so that it feels the need to spend every evening figuring out what "safe" is all over again (and not always succeeding at finding it at home)

like. i am okay at my job. my boss is fine. it is not an objectively challenging experience and i am theoretically staying vaguely on top of things. And Yet

#health stuff stopped me doing a bunch of routine tasks at work today #which set off all the Health Grief traumabrain signals as well #that didn't help #bleh #personal #brainweasel hotel #sorry i am like. not actively having a breakdown like i was in december but #i am very unhappy and not okay with being very unhappy and not succeeding at fixing it #things got better briefly but the coping mechanisms set off my fatigue so now they're worse again #i declared my disabilities when they hired me but i did not declare that i am Fucking Traumatised #on account of having only recently really realised exactly how traumatised #a whole lot more than i thought! it turns out! #also actually hearing a counsellor use the phrase 'complex trauma' was like. validating i guess #but also i feel like i'm conning someone somewhere bc most of it wasn't objectively that bad #my health stuff is objectively traumatising i guess but #nothing else really is but bc i am already fucked up i guess it doesn't take much #🫠

[martyrbat]

👍👍

#im bout to be whiny before getting nauseated at being kimda vulnerable and end up deleting this but just #shoutout to my friend (who was the only person i ever shared my writing with for over a year) #just telling me they've always just skimmed my fics AND infodumps because they dont care. like has read at most a handful of me talking & #usually skips any rare audio message that i sent when SUPER excited and made up drama to have an excuse to change topics #again. for over a year. #then getting guilt trippy when i was hurt by it until i apologize instead which !! lmao fuck ok ! #its just... very hmpth :/ bc it eas already a shitty night and week of nonstop migraine. and then this #and taking into account im someone who NEVER blocks any of my friends tags or doesnt read and invest myself in their interests #even if i dont like it; i love seeing people (even strangers) excited and talking about what they like so of course im going to #at least watch them talk on it and/or actually research into it because i want to be able to understand their happiness! #and because its whats important to them !! i dont expect the same and im not shaming anyone for not doing the same its fine I guess #but to tell me? and to say they dont read my writing or give a single shit about me talking about something #when i always put 100% into their interests? am i that shitty of a writer and that obnoxious to listen to lmao #like i feel shitty for even being hurt over it and even venting because you guys arent here for that and its mean to force it on ur dash #and i dont want to be too whiny but also. jfc man #ill stay silly starting tomorrow and post about batmans balls or whatever. sorry for the vent just. bleh. #that ‘december please bro please im begging just a break please man’ post but its me throughout this February too apparently

[shivunin]

Happy anniversary to me and AO3!!

Here is the aforementioned more coherent post. I have divided it in two parts: a little note and a silly and self-indulgent section (affectionate) where I give some of my fics fun lil superlatives. I'll add a couple little factoids to the latter section, too, just for giggles.

But before all that: I'm not gonna get emotional this time, but I have greatly enjoyed writing Dragon Age fic. I told myself three things when I started, all of them comically incorrect now ("I'm only writing this one story," "I will never write a soulmate AU," and "I will never write a DA2 story; no way could I ever hold a candle to what already exists") and I am so, so glad I was wrong on all counts. I have grown so much as a writer because of fic and I have met some genuinely remarkable people. If you have ever commented, written something in the tags, kudo'd, or bookmarked anything I've written (and especially if you have ever sent me a writing prompt, bless you), from the bottom of my heart: thank you. It has been genuinely incredible to share my love of this series with y'all, and I can only hope you have felt as glad of the experience as I have.

That's really all you need to know---that I'm glad to know you, in whatever sense that means. Thanks for sticking around c:

(and thanks to Cullen for scrambling my brain so thoroughly that I am still doing this a year later when I swore it was just going to be the one story lol)

Anyways! (she says, setting up the cake and candles and kazoos even though the room is otherwise empty)---

I was thinking about what to do for this anniversary that only I am keeping track of, and I decided (because of a trip I took when I was sixteen, which I originally recounted here, but which has no bearing on any of this so I cut it) that it would be funny to give my fics their own imaginary certificates. You know, like participation trophies. For my own entertainment (only a few though; there are twenty-three of them, and that's too many awards). Awards follow:

Best Punch: Your Fate for Mine; after I finished Trespasser the first time, I really wanted to deck Solas, so I let Cullen do it for me. It's the best one because it was the most satisfying to write C: (fun fact also: bless him, my husband proofread all the smut in this fic for accuracy lmao. special side award to my husband for being the best)

Best Kiss: Wander the Drifting Roads; nothing has yet felt as satisfying to me as Emma and Cullen kissing in the rain after all that time. I think about it Often. Also I wrote the first draft of this fic in roughly a week and a half---which is why it needed so much editing later :)

Most Persistent: To the Bone; because I swear to whatever higher power is out there, I tried so hard not to write a soulmate story but Salshira would not be stopped. In the end, I couldn't let the idea go and well, here we are.

Specialest Baby: Tidal Lock; because it is my special baby and the first fic I ever completed. I have a soft spot for it, and oddly enough it has the highest kudos: bookmarks ratio of my works at over half. It was extremely fun to write Cullen as a kid (he is soooo serious) and (for me) there's such a pleasant full-circle element to the narrative.

Best Smut: More than Memory; this one is my imaginary people's choice award, since it was received far and away the best of any smut I've written. I think, and it's just my intuition here, that it's on account of all the yearning. But maybe it's actually cus Cullen is, as always, a hot, hot mess C:

Hyperfocus Award: This one's a tie between Misericordia and Saccharine. As soon as I knew what to write for both of them, I achieved that beautiful state of not noticing the passage of time, anyone around me, the existence of my physical body, nor any of my pressing irl tasks. I wrote both of these in a delightful fog and then came back to it later as if seeing it for the first time. Extremely nice experience, 10/10, would recommend.

Blue Ribbon, Gold Star: A Golden Bell Hung In My Heart; this one gets a special extra award because I think it's probably the best thing I've written so far (at least from a technical standpoint, but it has a lot of my favorite elements, as well). It's one of the few for which I knew what I was trying to write when I set out to write it, and I think I achieved it unequivocally. Also, you know. Presents :)

Tumblr Ficlet Award: lol I am not picking only one. Here're my top three ficlets, based on how pleased with myself I felt when I initially typed them out: Lock and Key (I loooooove a good hurt/comfort), A Fool and His Gold (love yearning, too), and A Bond Beheld (because it includes that knight/liege thing that makes the Cullen romance so!!!).

For posterity: Unless I finish this short fenris/hawke piece open in the other tab, my final word count last year is 516,937 which is....a shocking amount. I probably won't surpass that this year, which is fine. I had no idea I had at least 450,000 words to say about Cullen, but hey, here we are.

That's it for this year---and I have no idea if I'll do this again next year---but thanks if you've read this far! I really wanted an excuse to think back on what I've written this year and have a little laugh to myself :) Have a good Thursday and...yeah. Thanks for reading!

#bleh #is it weird to give your fics lil awards? maybe #i don't care tho i will take my joys where i can find them #i was gonna do oc awards too but it felt mean-spirited #i love all of them #search your hands gets the honorable mention for dithering bc i had that bad boy mostly finished for six months #before i was encouraged to post it #i want to be clear: there's nothing wrong with soulmate fic or stories in general #obviously. i just thought there were too many out there already for me to write one also #briefly considered making a poll lmao but like lbr maybe five people have read all of these #that's a self-indulgent step too far #nb: by 'love of the series' i mean 'love of the framework of da which i have twisted and changed for my own ends' ofc #anyways damn that's a lot of tags if you've read my fic i adore you and i am offering a hug of your preferred level of intensity #no editing we die like kings (willfully ignorant of the wrongs we have committed upon the less fortunate)

[totalshockwaves]

the true villain of ff16 is whoever sucked out all the color in that world, bc that demo is taupe as fuck

#shut up allie (tag) #its very much what i expected from the reveals which...bleh im not in the grimdark 'realistic' fantasy vibe #like its so generic looking and kinda outdated pop-culture-wise and the story beats are already so generic too? #combat is okay if shallow for an action-rpg #i wpuldnt get it at launch id probably wait at least until i can get it on sale... #which would make it the first single player mainline ff i waited to buy since 10 came out #also people acting like its the first 'mature/dark' ff story are pssing me off because the majority of them can get pretty dark #i mean fuck 12 started off w/ ur playable character being some average soldier who gets murked bc he stumbled onto a coup conspiracy #it really feels like the writers are really buying into the whole sex + gore + swearing = mature and dark...

[florenceisfalling]

okay bye guys see u. idk. sometime soon? soon

#this year has been one of the worst of my life and i really want to get better but i feel like my whole world is kinda crumbling around me #lol hashtag relatable ig #im trying really hard to do the things i need to #but i literally feel like im being torn apart at the seems mentally #but im trying. really hard. to get things done before i have to move back to university #i only have a few weeks #i got sick these last few days which is both a blessing and a curse #a blessing because i dont have to go to work #a curse because im not making money and also im sick lol #really hoping my job just never contacts me again. i dont want to try to even go back even tho im pretty much not sick anymore. #and its 4 am now so... that means today was supposed to be my last day anyway. bleh #and i am gonna be another year older in 8 days... fuck. i dont want any of this. i want time to stop for a while. #i just feel like melting into my mattress and really truly i feel like ive already killed myself. i dont feel alive. i dont feel like #theres anything valuable coming out of this. i barely even feel like a person #but at least the upside of that is i probably wont consider walking into traffic again lol #and yknow i thought a lot of my sadness was circumstantial #which is true. i have some really tough things going on in my life right now so a lot of my sadness came from that. but now that ive been #sort of dunked in the feeling... it doesnt matter now. when i have a happy day or a happy moment it only lasts as long as the high and then #its over and im over and im back to being dead and i dont remember the good feelings anymore. i know i had a great day the other day. #i remember the moments. i remember smiling. but i dont remember how it felt. even though it wasnt even a week ago. #its like eating cold soup and trying to imagine it warm fksjdlf #sorry for ranting. i have a sideblog for all that for a reason i just. damn. spewwwwwwww

[monsterbisexual]

if i call in sick to work i shld tell them im having symptoms of emotional turmoil, physical agony n excessive bleedinfg so im gonna stay home bye

#dont have to give details i just think itd be a funny way to describe this monthly torment #also i rly am lucky i work at ass oclock in the morning cuz none of the managers are there yet #n us 5am ppl are the earliest to show up in my department so i just talk to whoever has the guy in charge phone #n its no one who will care so thats p nice #i do get anxious anyway but im just insane #also i always feel all guilty n embarrassed bleh #unless ofc i rly am mega sick #n ill have to let my mom know sometime if i do cuz she drops me off before she goes to her job #i always feel awkward n bad having to tell her im stayin home #overthinking forever yay #gotta figure this out #i just know if im at work tomorrow even if everything isnt fucked or awful like it can be there #n i feel how ive felt sometimes today like physically #dont wanna be thereeeee n im already gonna be in pain from working n now extra emotional. dies #according to my phone call history i called in like Exactly 2 months ago #which is more than the 3 months they want in between call ins but i dont think anyone else cares abt that #like coworkers of mine i mean #hmmmmmmm #p

[an-undercover-bi]

I get to do equivocal death analysis tomorrow for a really ambiguous case that’s still technically open, yippeeeeee!

#dreading it since one of my hypotheses supported by the limited evidence in existence involves gov corruption #which my professor has already expressed disdain for at the mere suggestion of conspiracy #also it will be a group activity which is bleh #and I’ll have to present our hypotheses #which like. I wish I could just. write it down and send in the report and be done #I hate presentations they make me anxious #also this case involves the city that even the mere mention of the name triggers my ptsd #bad :( #on the plus side #after this and polishing up my chronology #I’m done with this irritating ass case #(the case is intriguing but there isn’t enough Intel since a certain US agency won’t share it. also again the location is triggering) #delete later #(?????) #love doing equivocal death analyses though and making the chronology was lowkey v satisfying though time consuming #I will not be sharing my corruption theory since she has expressed disdain and I for one would like a Career at some point #but dhdjdjdjdjdjd #hopefully she doesn’t really believe it’s far fetched and is just trying to maintain dept/agency relations

[be-good-to-bugs]

yayyyy they arent here, nit yay, they will probably wake me up when they get here

#the bin #theres 3 1/2 hours left of the time slot he gave me but the management of this place is awful and they have consistently been bad with times #so idk. i was really kinda hoping id come back and theyd have done it and been gone but no :/ but im also glad they werent in here without #me or my sister here. still. its annoying. i wanna go to sleep n not be woken up #its almost 22 hours ive been awake now if i dtay up thu the time slot then itll be 25 #which im not gonna do #bleh i have to work tomorrow too which im dreading. everything hurts so much :/ #hhh. i havent been able to sleep right for the past 4 nights im already so extra tired. hhh. i hope they dont come today so i can just sleep

[the-kipsabian]

i just bought two new bottles of hair dye help

#but realistically what am i supposed to do when i see they now have PASTEL BLUE available??? #i only went in to look for green and i had to also grab that like. what is a bitch supposed to do?? #a little bit something else for my overflowing collection of darker shades of blue and purple lmao #just got very inspired as my hair is at the point where dyeing it is actually an option again so. fun colors!! #and i wanna do something else than the blue i get stuck with lmao or purple ive done twenty times already #maybe i could do pink idk. i would need to bleach which. bleh. but at least i will be going back to green eventually #anyways just. just a heads up. i shouldnt be left unsupervised anymore apparently lmao #night is an absolute mess on main

[jesterlaughingstock]

Just started watching the algerian version of my favourite show Les Switchers and so far the accent is throwing me off but im gonna be honest it does have its moments lmfaoo

#“brad wach? brad pitt? tchebeh lberrad men b3id” had me ON THE FLOOR #laughing s og post #les switchers #probably the only post on this tag lol #also one big difference i noticed is that they switched out the weird little brother for a stuck up sister in law #which sucks because I liked youssef abd I always thought we didn't get nearly eough of him in the original show #especially compared to ghita the sister who had a whole arc of her own #but im curious about naima (the sister in law) and the subsequent absent older brother Mouad #they could be interesting addition idk #but also i find it funny that in the algerian version you have three generations of in laws living in one house #the grandmother and her daughter in law (the mother) and HER daughter in law (naima) #bleh i should stop talking i dont wanna jinx it #i really do hope it turns out good #because the one thing the original version had going on was the fact that they took this famous american trope #aka “loser gets powers and tries to get the girl and through that journey learns self acceptance” #and applied it to our culture and humor and lifestyle #and now that's been done already in the Moroccan version i hope the algerian version brings something new to the table #because other than the broken accent and slightly different vocabulary... algerians really are not that different from us moroccans lol #man that turned into a whole rant. lol

[skyeateyourdonuts]

heeeeeeeeeheeeeee

#okay i wont do these anymore i swear but i still wanna pour shit out of me to feel better #i cant tell if we sctually have eggs so i cant make eggs #but im v hungry #and my food supply is running low #and already being ill means i cant exactly follow my #'shorten the rations ' mindset i do when i wanna save food #tho ill probably do it by instinct tbh #i have a phone interview in 30 mins and im excited and scared #but i also Sound ill which im worried about uhh lmao #i need groceries but im gonna be too afraid to ask anyone to #either (a) go to the dtore for me and get my things or (b) order groceries which i cant do unless i do a secret thing first #i hate having to ask for help but i also dont hate help i just hate having to ASK #uuururgrrhrhh #i am independent WOMAN why cant i be INDEPENDENT #i have so many things to do today too but if i get distracted i wont get them done like i want 😭😭😭 #i need a stupid specific calculator too i FORGOT FUCK #i cant wait till i eat smth bc itll be easier to not overthink all of this #also our house is. messy and i dont have energy to clean it :( but its bleh #why is there a sticky spot in front of the dryer :( that means yall have seen it u BOTH did laundry and its There #why do yall leave empty containers in places until I throw them away its ridiculous #okay now im just complaining bc im hangry #alright im done ill stop lmao #gata