#which was true enough to be painful

[lord-squiggletits]

"Rodimus is a better Prime because it didn't hurt for him to bond with the Matrix while for Optimus it did" headcanon/theory my beloathed.

One day I'm literally gonna snap and make a whole post addressing why what's wrong bc I'm tired of the inaccuracy and tired of ppl not understanding the Point TM of IDW and its version of the Matrix/Primacy and even more tired of people putting down Optimus in favor of Rodimus by essentially arguing that being unworthy means you deserve to be punished/put in pain bc you just weren't good enough to hold the Symbol of Ultimate Authority

#it's wrong on so many levels both in terms of lore and as well as like what the general themes of idw1 are #it's just a validation contest using the matrix as some magical symbol to decide who's the most special #which is ironically something that was a plot point in exrid/OP. specifically how stupid of an idea that is ldskjflksd #ppl revealing that they havent read anything besides mtmte/ll as usual #like half the reason ppl think optimus is a bad prime and rodimus is a good prime is literally bc like #optimus was written by an author who was specifically trying to deconstruct him (sometimes to the point of absurdity) #and rodimus was written by an author who takes a more optimistic/idealistic approach. and is also better at writing #but also like am i seriously the only person who thinks that that argument is fucked up????? #like 'OP felt pain which means he's unworthy/not a real prime/not a true leader' #ok so you think that there's a hierarchy of moral goodness in which anyone who falls short of that Moral Ideal should suffer #as a sign of their unworthiness?? like does that not sound dystopian as hell to any of you?? why would you WANT the matrix to work like tha #even if the theory were true (which it isn't) why would you view the matrix as a good authoritative moral judge of character #if its idea of 'moral judgement' is to inflict pain on anyone who's supposedly not truly good/worthy #wasn't the entire point of the ending of LL (including rodimus being a good leader) that everyone is worth it? #like rodimus literally said 'you ARE damn well good enough' or something like that #so what? everyone else in the universe tries their best and that's enough but somehow when OP suffers it's like #a sign that he's not actually a good prime/leader?? we're really going with the punitive perspective purely for One Guy?? #swear to god ppl are projecting their authority issues onto Optimus the way they shit on him for things they would excuse #if any other character did it #Optimus is uniquely deserving of pain/being marked as unworthy bc idk he was a cop once and that offends my delicate sensibilities #what's even funnier is how much harm was inflicted by rodimus as a captain sheerly due to his stupidity or ego but everyone forgives him #i guess bc as long as the matrix likes him that means he's valid no matter what he actually does as a person #WHICH IS SOMETHING IDW ITSELF ARGUED AGAINST BC A LOT OF THE PRIMES THAT WERE CHOSEN BY THE MATRIX #WERE DICKS AND THE FACT THEY COULD WIELD THE MATRIX DIDN'T MAKE THEM GOOD PEOPLE #like oh my god stop using the matrix as an arbiter of moral authority in idw1 it literally goes against the themes of the story #including the themes that are embodied in rodimus himself #idw op love

[lesbiansanemi]

I am so fucking sick of living with my roommate and his fuck ass boyfriend. Also watching my roommate burn every single one of his (already rather minimal, I might add) bridges for this guy is also kind of painful but also his relationship with me is one of said bridges so I'm almost past the point of even feeling bad for him lmao

#i have had to piss for probably the better part of an hour now #because they decided to take a shower together and have been in there for well OVER an hour now #and this is a nightly occurence atp sometimes MULTIPLE times a day #we have one bathroom.... can yall not be considerate enough to not be in there for up to TWO HOURS AT A TIME??? #also it's such a waste of fucking water.... #idk we've hit a point where i literally hear the bf doing anything and i get pissed off #but also tell me why i'm sitting in my room (which shares a wall with the bathroom) and i can hear this man hacking and spitting shit up #and this is also something that happens multiple times a day #like.... dude.... why are you spitting up toothpaste so fucking loudly oh my fucking god #but yeah no i'm like my roommate's only friend atp and he's about to not have me lmao like we're about to reach #'i'm cutting you off when i move out' levels of me being pissed off with this whole situation type shit #and apparently the bf convinced him to come out to his family which his mom was chill which is good #his dad's side of the family though....? not great. and my roommate KNEW that would be the case cuz we'd talked about it before #also love that my roommate has constantly talked about moving out of the city we live in because he hates and also there's no good career #opportunities for him here (which is true) #and now. MAGICALLY. he's like 'idk i think it'd be best for me to stay here' #like oh my GOD???? are you hearing yourself???? are you fucking stupid???? you fucking hate it here??? #but sure throw your life away and ruin all your meaningful relationships for a guy you met six months ago jfc #and the thing is i *know* my roommate we've been close CLOSE friends for nearly a decade now #i know he is not like this.... like yeah he's being insane by allowing this but also i know these aren't the kinds of decisions he would ma #and also i know he wouldn't treat me like this all on his own #it's the deranged fucking control freak of a guy he decided to date and my roommate has too many of his own issues to put his foot down #about certain things and tell the guy no so he's just allowing him to completely take over his life #and fuck everything up until the bf is the only thing he has left once it's all said and done #and yeah. it's painful to watch. but also wtf am i supposed to do because obviously my opinion is not respected nor wanted regarding this #that has been made PAINFULLY clear #ugh this is so fucking horrendous #what is it with ppl who start to date someone and then go clinically fucking insane and destroy their lives all for this one person #who. realistically. they barely know in comparison to all the other ppl in their life #like explain it to me jfc

[darabeatha]

searches in my pocket for something, pulls out this, and hands it to u:

#;m.octezuma ii #MOCTE YIPPEEEEE #NOW THERE ARE MORE thank u l.ostbelt manga #mix of official art and my own drawings bc he only has like; 3 fans and thats it (exaggerating but also its true) #FUNNILY ENOUGH- i think he's the character i've drawn the most times #which is insane bc a.rjuna exists #and lit so many more characters i've known for much longer and apreciate as well #i think in terms of drawing the same character; it must be him or a.rjuna #i should count my a.rju drawings #i think i drew m.octe 12 times but in one page i drew him 3 times so if u wanna make it about pages its 9 #he does not exist #the pain of liking turbo extremely ultra side characters

[dutybcrne]

Kaeya is rather touch averse, cringing away from casual contact people give him under the guise of being distracted or idle movement. He's used to it, the Ragnvindrs and Adenlinde got him used to frequent affectionate physical contact, but it can still be entirely Uncomfortable if he's touched by someone outside those he is close to or someone he's otherwise Allowed to touch him.

#hc; kaeya #//Mentioned before; but am Elaborating on other aspects since Aven get brain juices flowing for this #//Unlike Aven; he's FAR more tolerable of people who touch him unprompted. & more willing to indulge for himself outside his comfort people #//Unless he himself had actively given the indication he doesn't want it; in that case THEN he's likely to anger & retaliate #//But yeah; his response is usually Discomfort & trying to get away from it one way or another. Can tolerate it to appear friendly; sure #//But would rather not want people to touch him so easily. Is decently okay with brief touches tho; like shoulder pats or the like #//Will actively lean into it & encourage further touching ONLY as a means to an end; adjusting any wandering hands only when going too far #//Esp if he can use that like a carrot on a string–if they concede to what he wants; they can touch him more. Maybe MORE than just that too #//He won't initiate any touch unless he deems it Absolutely Necessary; WILL internally scream if they Immediately reciprocate the contact #//Uses it as a 'reward' sometimes; a little pinch of the cheek; a hug; getting right into their space; if he sees they'll react favorably #//Maybe more if they have connection enough; like Huffman or one of his longer-running liaisons. Is p ok w/ sleeping w/ them as reward #//Sometimes he forgets some people don't like that he does this; like Rosie. Tries the tactic to get a favor then Remembers #//Absolutely apologizes; feels mortified when she scrutinizes him for it. Esp since she'd be one of few ppl who KNOWS just how Averse he is #to it in the first place. Him slipping up like that in front of HER is smth he'd STRESS over. She could hold over his head for all he knows #//How can he even joke abt it? Worse if she asks abt his way of doing things or indicate she doesnt Like that he uses himself as bait #//Has absolutely accidentally tried to seduce/bait sb like that who he absolutely should Not have. Like Jean. Ended up playing it off like #a joke between friends; but damn near had a panic attack from the guilt the moment he was safely in his office. bc Jean is SPECIAL to him #could he treat her like THAT? How could he almost let her SEE that side of him? His casual charm and facade are ONE thing #//But him actively doing something like THAT; esp for Jean of all people; is COMPLETELY off-limits; no matter his feelings #//Actually; especially BC he harbors feelings for her. Ppl like Lisa on the other hand; he is VERY comfortable doing this with/to #//She GETS the flirty habit & dishes it back without losing image of him in the way someone he regards at Jean's level possibly could #//And as far as Lisa knows; it's Only a playful habit; not a means to an end. The ones who prolly Know might be certain folks in the church #//But that's just bc he gets frequent checkups after every lil Rendezvous of his. Which is why he's got dirt on Every Single Person There #//Except Barbara; but he absolutely makes SURE she's not the one he's dealing with whenever he goes. Wants to spare her his messes #//Damn; veered a little but it's alright. 'A little'; HA. Nah; my tags are but the cluttered corkboard of my thoughts jhdbfjdf #//Diluc; Addie & Jean are the people he most Fears finding out abt his methods. Doesnt wanna THINK abt how they'd feel/regard him after tha #//Knows for SURE it'd be painful if the way they treat him changes even a SLIGHT. ESP Addie; he can bear the other two; but Addie??? #//Nah; he'd be fucken DEVASTATED. That's the ONE person he knows hold true unwavering unconditional love for him; no matter what #//To do anything to damage that? He'd be so fucken GUTTED. He expects everyone to get fed up with/disdain him at some point. But not HER #//Keeps this shit on the down low by always having dirt on the people he gets Involved with; if not using keeping it up as an incentive

[silverwhittlingknife]

Dick at Janet Drake's funeral

Dick (internally): The cruel fates, the Greeks called them. The three sisters weaving the loom of life, spinning its golden threads into the years - cutting it whenever the whim took them. Stupid! But I guess we all need something to help us make sense of it all. We need to find meaning in the pain…patterns in the chaos. Tim needs it now, as I once did. As Bruce did before me. So why do we make our faces into masks? Why do we hide the pain we all feel? Tim: Thanks for coming, Dick. I know how busy - (They shake hands.) Dick: It was the least I could do, Tim. Believe me - I know what you're going through. If you need any help, any time - Tim (looking down): I appreciate that. But... I'll cope. (In the background, we see Tim shaking somebody else's hand.) Dick to Bruce: He's a brave kid. He's in control. Bruce: Yes. Dick: You know what comes next, don't you? - Batman 455 (Christmas Eve, the day before Tim officially becomes Robin)

#nothing will ever be as great as dick's long pained internal monologue about why they hide the pain they feel #followed by a ritualized exchange of condolences with tim #followed by the robin costume as the memorial through which to channel grief #because none of them know how to grieve in normal ways #how could you possibly grieve for your dead parents other than dressing up in a costume at night & punching people?? impossible #also earlier in this comic tim has a nightmare in which dick and bruce are wearing masks & he demands to see their real faces #and they take their masks off & beneath their masks are MORE MASKS #and they're burying his mother and he screams at them saying it has to mean something #and then he sees a doppelgänger of himself with no mask & he demands that it show him its true face #and doppelgänger!tim starts PEELING HIS FACE OFF and underneath is a monstrous face that looks like a cross btw clayface & the joker #and then we cut to tim screaming in his sleep #anyway one of the many great things about this comic from a dick-and-tim perspective is that tim's subconscious mind is obsessing about #trying to make sense of senseless violence & about people hiding their true selves under masks #which is exactly the SAME THING that dick is obsessing about consciously so do they ACT on these insights and stop doing the #thing where they hide their emotions???? of course not are you crazy #anyway i am FASCINATED by that handshake #this is obviously a pre-prodigal interaction they're not really close yet #consider how different this is from dick calling tim when jack drake gets murdered (and also the ways the problem is the same!!) #listen LISTEN they're both people who routinely hide behind metaphorical and literal masks & it's hard to let other people see #and their whole relationship is this back-and-forth btw the defensive masks & slowly trusting each other enough to take off the masks #did you know that in resurrection at the end of their fight tim literally TAKES OFF HIS MASK when he's surrendering #did you know that they spend their entire red robin 4 fight in masks & don't see each other's faces until tim passes out in red robin 12 #and dick catches him and while falling tim's mask has begun to FALL OFF #dick & tim #dick grayson #tim drake #hoc scripsi

[curiosity-killed]

on the bright side, i got the work done i needed to get done post-teaching AND finished the scene i was noodling on in the plant fic i accidentally restarted and my single glass of wine post-dinner is having the intended soporific effect

on the downside. i so so so so so so badly don't want to have a meeting at 8 AM with a client who i am mostly neutral towards but about a project that is the bane of my existence atm

#WHY did i offer an early meeting #i KNOW its bc i feel bad for folks outside of eastern time zone always getting shafted with shitty meeting times #but for fucks sake #8 AM #and i have another client meeting immediately after!!! #i will be SO useless tomorrow #and i have not been particularly. sparkling. for the last week #that isn't totally true i am in fact really fucking good at my job #to the point that no one notices when i slack off and spend an entire tuesday afternoon doodling #BUT STILL #i have to fill out my timesheets! i'm so behind in expense reports!! hnnnnnnnnnnnnnn #personal #anyway. #my current wips are tcp revisions + trigun girlies terrible road trip #and APPARENTLY tristamp plant fic (but with the rotisserie chicken heart bodies and wings bc. i have taste) #and i am actually slowly chipping away at all of them #which is a mild but pleasant surprise #i read so much fic today #god i do not have the motivation to fight the gravity drawing me deeply into my very thin couch cushions #this futon really has not held up well considering its. only 2 years old #if u sit in the middle it literally is painful #no thanks to baloo aggressively deforming the cleft between cushions #okay. enough stream of consciousness tags. it is time. i am Going to Get Up #hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmdsfgkhad

[pastel-rights]

And then I finally end it off with some doodles of them… they make me feel things.

#ringmaster doodles #sona art #( they’re very much the theme of. love in the face of the neverending march of time. ) #( being immortal and knowing you will outlive the man you love because someone else deemed he unworthy of eternal life. ) #( he may still have tens of thousands of years left. sure. but you know that those will go by and he’ll disappear in the blink of an eye. ) #( and you’ll sit there on his death bed. wondering why did things end up like this? ) #( wondering what you did wrong. and if you could have done something different. you’ll always ask yourself. ) #( if he lives a life of happiness and comfort or did he live a life as gruesome and miserable as the wars on earth? but you won’t know. ) #( and the more you think about it. the more you realize it. how nihilistic he was. and how he never seemed to smile even in the good times. #he always seemed to have a frown or a scowl on his face. he always seems bothered and unhappy. ) #( so you wonder if it was something you did. because you know you aren’t perfect. you’re hardly good. ) #( you wonder if he’s mad at you. maybe he was. but he doesn’t have the heart to stay mad. ) #( and that’s love in the face of adversity. knowing that no matter how bad it gets. he loves you as you love him. ) #( and you wonder why he never smiles. because he truly never does. and so you ask him. honest and true. ) #( and he tells you there isn’t anything worth smiling for. nothing in this whole world. ) #( but he smiles at you. it’s always small. and it’s always brief. ) #( but that smile. that smile means love. ) #( that hug. as flimsy as it may be. that hug means love. ) #( of course. he isn’t affectionate. if anything. he detests it. he hates physical contact of any kind. you’ve noticed. ) #( which is a shame. you love your hugs and your kisses and your hand holding. ) #( but even if he doesn’t like it. he lets you do it. because it makes you happy. ) #( and you learn that when you’re happy. he’s a little less miserable. ) #( of course. not all love is equal. and not all love is fair. ) #( the love from a lover and the love from the father can never equate to one another. ) #( no one will love you in the same way a father or mother loves you. in the same manner. no one will ever love you the way I do. ) #( because my love will remain with you. long after I disappear. ) #( and as bitter as the idea of my own existence coming to an end is. knowing I did all of this for. essentially nothing. ) #( that I’ve gone through all this pain and suffering and hardship just for it to all amount to nothing. for it to be fucking useless to try. #I get to die knowing that you’ll always love and be loved. and that’s enough for me… ) #( … maybe there is something worth smiling for after all. )

[sepyana]

Interesting developments at the doctor's appointment today.

Do you know how some disabled people fear they are not actually disabled and just faking it? It might actually be true for me i guess. I'd be happy to know that it's from bad posture or something. It's a bit embarrassing but then I can just fix my damn posture and not have to deal with the pain.

#my doctor says my scoliosis isn't bad enough to hurt which i'm not sure is true? #i don't think i's weird to have chronic pain from 30+ degrees but whatever #↪ posts

[genderfluidgothwitch]

People just need to learn to keep their fucking mouths shut

#this customer at work who I have seen before commented that I wasn't using my cane #which was true I didn't have enough hands to balance ten cans of cat food and carry my cane #so I just shuffled my way to the aisle to put them back #and she had the nerve to say to me #that it's good I'm not using my cane because I shouldn't become reliant on it #maam #I use the cane #because #wild ass fucking concept #I can't walk without it #because walking is painful #she's just lucky I didn't chew her head off #but if my husband was there he would have been worse than me #tbh I love how much he defends me

[arielmagicesi]

as hard as it may seem to believe, just because a film has Janelle Monae in it doesn’t mean it’s a deep and meaningful film that’s deconstructing modern society. Glass Onion can just be a fun silly murder mystery with exciting little twists that says “Elon Musk is an idiot” and nothing more in the “theme and message” section, and I think that’s fine. but yes Janelle Monae is in it which elevates it to Film That Has Janelle Monae In It

#my mom came to me and said 'do you know who stephen colbert is' and i was like 'yes obviously' #and she said 'he just interviewed that girl you like. joan something' #and i knew immediately that that translated to janelle monae lol and i figure she's promoting glass onion #anyway people who are like 'glass onion doesn't cut deep enough with its message' like as if this is shocking #yeah and mamma mia didn't comment gracefully enough on the deep tragic pain of not knowing your father. like... #'anti-capitalist media produced in a way that benefits capitalism' like... true... and that's depressing #but if you're going to watch something on netflix then yeah it's going to 'benefit capitalism' in some way #if you go to netflix for a scathing destruction of the system we live under. honey you will be disappointed #idk i've seen basically two takes on this film which are 'wow!!! capitalism DESTROYED' or 'didn't try hard enough to destroy capitalism' #(and the third take which was whatever ben shapiro said) #and it's like. capitalism not destroyed. instead fun afternoon was had thanks to a fun movie #anyway just like. watch dirty computer instead if you want to see systems destroyed by janelle monae #sorry for ranting i've been thinking about this bc i keep seeing glass onion hot takes everywhere #glass onion #janelle monae #written by me

[quietwingsinthesky]

🌹:O

:3c

Lucifer doesn't care how the labcoats say it works; he knows there's no such thing as a clean break from a drift the minute the plug is pulled. Instead, Michael goes from a second consciousness beside his own to being dragged out of Lucifer the further Lucifer gets from him, both of them gripping tight to the connection until it slips, until it snaps, with a violent recoil that knocks Lucifer's brain out of alignment and reminds his legs that they don't work. His next step falls too fast, too heavily, and refuses to take his weight. It's only Michael, now only a voice outside of Lucifer's head yelling his name, catching him from behind that allows Lucifer to collapse to the floor with his dignity intact.

#is this more than one sentence? yes. yes it is. because tumblr deleted this post once and pissed me off. #i had so many tags about lucifer already and boom. gone. #anyway. tfw you see your boyfriend get severely injured during a battle and this makes you panic so bad you manage to make it a few meters #which is a lot for a guy who can't actually walk. #lucifer's got a whole Situation. turns out plugging a guy's brain up to a giant robot is not without its bugs. #especially when said guy was one of the first to be stuck inside the giant robot with his brother. and testing was a lower priority due to #everyone wanting a faster solution to the Giant Fucking Monsters. so lucifer's brain got overloaded and can't send signals to his legs #anymore to move right unless he's hooked up to a mech. technically when this first happened the doctor told him 'well if you stop doing mec #shit you can walk again.' but 1) he's not doing that. and 2) that was years ago. just because that recommendation is still on a file #somewhere doesn't mean it would actually work for him. or even that it would have back then. it's still the official answer for 'fixing' hi #because that's better optics than the truth. which is that he can't walk.* #(technically. technically. if he was left disconnected from the mech for a week he could walk. it would also be exhausting. and painful. #and slow. this is not something lucifer considers to be helpful information when he moves faster and with more ease in his chair. #this is something other people like to point out about him that makes him want to start hitting them. and it's not even really true anymore #the 'a week disconnected' thing. again. was a long time ago. it would take over a month for him to stand nowadays.) #(v few people Get all of this but like. michael is one of them. he's in lucifer's head enough that it would be weirder for him not to get i #add to that him being one of the few people who has seen lucifer walk nowadays and focused more on 'hey he looks like he hates that' #than praising it. and he gets it. and is also the requisite amount of annoyed when lucifer *runs off* before michael can help him into his #chair!! not the first time this has happened and will not be the last. michael's used to catching him.) #ask #oh my god that was so much rambling. this isnt even the point of the fic btw. this is just. backstory. worldbuilding.

[thespoonisvictory]

I need to stop being a hater on everyone’s wbn suvi and ame opinions but my god

#worlds beyond number #twtwtwo #fox's they've already caught you spiel would be cute if ame was worried about being caught. which she is #but she's WAY more worried about upsetting her friends. which you cannot apply the fuck it we ball mindset #it's not about ame doing what she wants it's specifically about her doing what she wants with the knowledge #that her friends do not want to do it with her #idk I didn't feel like the 'I've never judged you' line rang true either #like ame SHOULD be judging suvi and I just desperately need enough episodes to come out for ame to stop straddling the line #of never judging suvi and also being against what suvi does pretty fundamentally (again. for good reasons) #bc like ya ame is a sweetie but at a certain point u need to voice ur opinion if you want things to get done #and it is PAINFUL watching her and the story clearly know suvi is wrong but ALSO say very little to stop her #and eursolon is such a nonentity bc lou wilson is so so good and made a heartbreaking pc #he's too tired and scared to properly take sides and when he does. ough #anyway it was a great great great episode but every take I've seen has driven me up a goddamn wall #one of those things where it's actively ruining my enjoyment of ame as a character bc of how people have responded to her

[whimsyprinx]

time to make a realistic set of goals for 2023 i guess

#whimsy whispers #whims woes #unless the universe kills me in the next five days (fingers crossed) #idk what my goals are other than get a job and save money #study for and get my ged #I have to get my permit even if I don’t want to drive and then want? #I don’t have goals or aspirations of hopes for anything else #all the little things I use to talk about being hopeful for aren’t going to happen like I’m not going to be a librarian I’m not going to #live somewhere nice surrounded by my friends #my only plan is life as of right now is to be useful and contribute enough that people don’t grow tired of me and cast me aside #that’s like literally it #I just don’t know what to even do with my life or if it’s worth even trying to make goals and be hopeful #I use to get asked like what I’m hopeful for and to think of reasons to life but everything I said is unrealistic and/or not true #‘I want to live on a small house with cats and work at a library and be surrounded by friends’ #see that’s just not going to happen and that’s not even an ambitious dream either #sorry I have to make one sad post a day or god adds more time to my lifespan :/ #like truly I just feel like I’m barely running on auto pilot everything feels so aimless and pointless I like don’t have a real reason to #live but also I can’t just die #all the ways of dying are painful or won’t work #so it’s me waking up and willing the universe to just off me already which is sad boo hoo ig but god I don’t want to exist

[hawkeyedflame]

me: i can only eat beef and salt

my brother, who felt bad i couldn't have turkey at thanksgiving: i will cook you a steak *proceeds to cook the steak in avocado oil, which i cannot eat, without telling me or asking if that was ok*

my mom, who knows full well that i cannot have avocado oil, watching him put it in the pan:

my mom, hours later, telling me that my steak was cooked in vegetable oil: *is confused and defensive when i get angry about it, tells me it's not fair to demand others cater to my dietary restrictions and that i don't have a right to be angry because my brother was just trying to help*

yeah, i'll be sure to be thankful when i have an autoimmune flare-up for the next two weeks. that'll really get me through it.

#the hawk speaks #i'm honestly mostly angry with her for not intervening #every SINGLE time i have had something that was not beef i have had a reaction #and i don't even mean eating an entire Thing i am talking about residue on a restaurant grill and scraps of seasoning or pepper #that is enough to give me joint pain and brain fog #so this is probably going to fuck me up and apparently it's rude to be upset about it #because my brother didn't have to go out of his way to cook for me #which is completely true but if my only option was trying a food i might be allergic to or fasting i would have just fucking fasted #and again i'm not particularly mad at my brother but i AM going to be insanely pissed if i end up with symptoms #which i probably will. #so that's just fucking awesome

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

“i doubt you’ll have it” “my sister had it and she was fine” “you don’t have it. but if you do have it, it won’t be serious” shut up!!

#when i say something about my health just smile and nod. or laugh it off. or tell me you’re uncomfortable with me talking about it. #but don’t write me off?? im mentioning it because i feel comfortable enough with you to mention it #pity or inspiration p orn or just about anything would be better than this #i will say that the way i mentioned it was joking and idk if they thought I was trying to victimise myself or was saying it was ok to joke #about for other people or what they thought i meant. so it could have been a miscommunication #but also. even if it was. dont write me off?? #‘you probably don’t have it’ i might not have it that’s true. but also. it is a very real possibility i might have it. #im being tested for it because doctors agree i might have it. #it is not unlikely for me to have it considering i have the signs and symptoms indicating I could have it. #im not just saying shit?? like. i said i might have it because i might have it???? #also. ‘my sister had it and she was fine’ great for her. genuinely. but my body doesn’t function at 100% ever and notoriously hates me so. #not that i think i won’t be fine but i know it could be rougher for me and im getting myself comfortable with that possibility because it’s #easier to go in expecting the worst and getting something better than going in hoping for the best and instead having to deal with worse #especially because if i do have it and get treated i don’t become healthy after. i will still be disabled because my chronic pain isn’t #related to this. maybe this is making it worse but i will likely still have chronic pain no matter if this is fixed #the reason im not saying i probably won’t have it is because at this point there’s the very real chance i do have it #and it’s scary and freaking me out and it is serious and it will affect me and it’ll suck #that’s why im joking about it. which i understand might have been overboard and that’s on me and im going to stop doing it with other people #but im joking about it because it means im less freaked out #plus i don’t get a one and done on health issues. i have constant health issues it’s why im reacting to this the way i am #this was just. it did come from i think a miscommunication but also after thinking about it there was no reason to react this way even with #the miscommunication that i think happened #i also was talking about an ableist joke i heard and the person laughed at it which like. why is it funny. come on. explain it to me. #anyway. just a big ol rant here im just tired and this has been on my mind today #vent tw

[the-plantman-is-queer]

If you cut me open I bleed adrenaline instead of blood now

#I have never been so busy in my life holy shit #Between school and work and surgery prep and a full social calender I am so exhausted #But I am also so incredibly anxious cause the only thing getting me through all this is the promise of top surgery #And if I test positive for Covid I have bo idea what that means for the surgery cause they were incredibly vague on the matter #And stress and exhaustion wreak havoc on the immune system so it might be a self fulfilling prophecy #Which makes me anxious about being anxious #And things at work are tense cause I'm gonna be out for two weeks AND everyone else returned to school as well #On top of the hour long phonecall I had with the labor board over whether I can legally earn tips #You know the tips I make by performing customer service day in and out those tips #Because upper management can't do their fucking job and makes me work above my pay grade so now I may take a pay cut #And the global recession I predicted would happen back in March is coming to fruition and tragically I expected to hav job security by now #And also the energy drinks I'm downing to have enough energy left to devote to hours of schoolwork can't be good for me #So I'm anxious about that too #Also I can't take any pain relievers for the next seven days and as someone with chronic pain... joy delights #On the bright side everyone loves me and I'm an absolute delight so I have that going for me #And most all of my dreams are coming true