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#which was the place of my own trauma
willowfey · 8 months
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starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal
#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept#i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them#if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens#i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it#i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut#it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair#my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking#if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back#if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off#ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal#but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends#i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens#and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too#since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out#i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now#now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that#i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly.#if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill#in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it#my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes#sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know???#but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested#i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore#i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world
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pollen · 2 months
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hii it's been awhile since i've given any updates about what's going on with me but!!! i think we're moving back to oregon at some point. and i'm gonna make grad school happen. i'm so yhappy
#i'm going to oregon sometime this quarter but it's gonna break my heart because i have to leave again#idk the col is so much higher there than here. you can buy a whole three bedroom house for $200k here#a 3 bed in oregon is at least twice that#and rent is insane. $1100 for a beautiful 3 bed here. or twice that for something less nice in oregon#well. not HERE here jesus the suburbs are expensive. but in central pa where we're thinking of moving#which is like.... the best place to retire in the country? what's with that. low col probably LOL#and lately i've been feeling so..... lost? the ego death i went through in 2023 was incredible#and like. do i NEED to go to grad school to get a well-paying job in my field? no i have almost 7 yoe#but i'm missing feeling good at something. and the networking. and the portfolio work i can do. so it wouldn't be about employablility#though that helps. idk i'm gonna try to get my undergrad loans paid off as much as i can (only 30k left on the ones in my name 🫠) this year#while working on freelance projects and all that. it just feels good having a direction that doesn't feel completely hopeless#because it's been so bleak lately. like. got laid off from an agency i poured my soul into (not doing that again unless it's my own)#experienced something deeply personal and destabilizing i don't feel comfortable sharing#moved across the country while i didn't have a job and was processing that trauma to a place where i know no one#i got so lonely and so alone that i thought i would die. i didn't really have anyone to turn to while i did the work of reliving#started drinking a lot to cope bc i didn't have a medical card. was truly miserable. got a medical card. wasn't miserable anymore#and now i'm working and less anxious and feeling supported and stable in my relationship. and i feel myself coming back to myself.#it's been so hard but i'm so glad to be seeing the end of it. and to see good things and happy things in that
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corfisers · 4 months
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i really need to finish this one day
#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully#anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason#incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up#you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot#“he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him#in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened.#you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from#“you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're soo guilty over it? and who does it help?#doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance#proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long#yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him#yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that#and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do”#“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem”#(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.)#he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway#but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again.#something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh#for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been#which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad#but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence?#she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”.#wips tag
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angorwhosebabyisthis · 10 months
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lies on the floor and stares at the ceiling about how lorien and the garde kids are the ultimate example of 'you inherit your parents' trauma but you will never fully understand it'
#lorien legacies#LL loric#LL tag#on a number of levels tbh; ranging from the literal as in 'my mentor-parent came from a dead world and the only glimpses i get of it'#'and what happened to it; are through their eyes; and they are not likely to be very forthcoming about most of it'#'especially their own issues and traumas both before the war and after'#to 'lorien had a lot of really fucked up shit and long-reaching societal traumas going on long before the war'#'whether they admitted something was a trauma or not (from what we see; usually not lmao)'#'and like. they're gone now. their records are gone. we will never have even a tenth of the full context'#'and one of the only two living direct sources we have for all this is inclined to lie about it'#'how do we even begin to make sense of the bearing their past actions have on what's happening now'#'whether The Interplanetary Political Landscape in General'#'or on the smaller scale of how our lost culture shaped our individual traumas and abuse'#'when we have so little context for or ability to verify what they even *did*'#'how *relevant* is it. because in a lot of ways it IS relevant. but also what does it mean to hold them accountable when they're *gone*'#there's honestly so many other places to emphasize this theme too; i could go on many long infodumps about how this applies to the mogs#but also one of the main characters; who is fully a human; inherits his dad's trauma which *his dad himself doesn't even remember*#there's so much to explore here and it is all very sad rolls around kicking my feet
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void-tiger · 4 months
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…how to explain that this is a grain of sand that is this constant irritant I cannot adjust to so I just formed a pearl around it and it really does have the potential to be lovely but there’s nothing to harvest yet because you’re not ready for that so I now have two pearls forming—
#tiger’s roar#…is…is romantic love always like this?!#the worst bit is that it makes me feel like a liar#when I insisted that I Never Was going to pursue anything but the (chance) to build a friendship if taken.#that’s…that’s what I persisted and fought for.#and…I don’t think anyone really believes me#because they can’t understand that what I value IS the friendship for the friendship itself#that I value another person’s comfort and boundaries and consent far far more than I feel an Urge to ‘do anything’ with my feelings#and if that’s not love idk what else would be. especially for me#and it does…hurt. to see someone love you back. wonder if they even realize it. express they DO want to be friends.#but they’re at a loss to How apparently. they’re looking to you to lead.#while you’re looking to them to make sure they don’t feel smothered or pressured. because You KNOW that feeling and would NEVER. Period.#because…something’s happened that’s made them afraid to speak up#I don’t need to know what it is to recognize trauma reactions. not until they’re ready to tell me themself#and…it’s so damn obvious I have my own trauma. which I try to communicate when…it’s relevant#but…yeah. I care far more about being someone SAFE#and respecting goals and ambitions and dreams that were already in place long before I entered someone’s life#even though what I need is the resolution and security of a stable friendship#because…being able to trust I’m wanted to stick around. I’m someone they find easy to (try to) communicate with#THAT’S what soothes this persistant pining of missing them every day#(how do you tell someone they make you feel brave? calmer? more centered? when your insecurities aren’t running rampant anyway…)#(​…and Like Hell they aren’t jealous of a friendship with their sibling. or that I beartackled mine 6 months ago)#(but…I Will Not push for anything more than a friendship. that has to be their call. when they feel safe. when they’re ready to fight)
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izzy-b-hands · 5 months
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Was gonna sleep in. Instead woke up randomly at 5 am and have been writing a fix it steddyhands fic since then
I work in like. six hours. I have gotten maybe four hours sleep. Today is a double shift day that'll have me working bit late into the night.
This is fine.
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deicide-doll · 6 months
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tovaicas · 8 months
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now that I've finished: I enjoyed shb. not as much as I did hw, but I quite liked the msq (with the couple of quibbles that I've mentioned). post-patches I felt suffered from similar problems as hw's did, as in they wrapped up everything and then very quickly and suddenly pivoted to new expac content in a way that didn't feel suuuper natural, but I also think to an extent that's also an MMO curse. with a larger available scope I would've preferred a more natural lead-in, but what can you do.
I'm not sure how I feel abt the heavy focus on zenos and fandaniel, zenos has never been that much of an interesting character to me (stb didn't handle him and what he represents well, and imo he doesn't get more interesting as he keeps appearing) and characters who are written as 'well he's cRaZy so we don't have to explain his motives or erratic behaviour' like fandaniel I find inherently uninteresting. plus I just hate it every second he's on screen HBFSBJ
I wish the grand company of eorzea stuff was the conclusion to a long, real attempt at making amends rather than smth wrapped up as a loose end in two or three patches; feels disingenuous, in a way. I also wish they'd actually leaned with the theming of 'the wol has friends who genuinely care for them and feel genuine remorse for the things they put them through for the sake of others', shb msq's back-half was all about how everyone gambles with your life and how the wol is a tool and how shitty this is (to an extent, at least; one of my bigger quibbles with g'raha is how he's consistently framed as justified for manipulating you and directly playing with your life), but as it stands as soon as you're cured of the lightwarden stuff everything goes back to you feeling like a secondary background player with no outstanding trauma in the post-patches, being told where to go and what to do.
on that similar note, I have strong feelings on g'raha and most of them lean negative. I'm not going to clutter this post with unnecessary character hate that's biased by my own wol's writing (unless like. you want me to), but a lot of my feelings abt him from shb msq haven't really changed.
otherwise I quite liked a lot of the worldbuilding and historical sections, I do think those were well done. the norvrandt goodbye genuinely got me, and I actually really liked elidibus' sections. I miss ryne already
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I had a dream where I was playing as a thief tasked to find out the truth behind the whereabouts of another criminal on a college campus. It was fun in that I was given an overall objective, but absolutely no one gave me an idea as to where to start first. Basically a lot of it involved either me figuring out how to B&E into different offices, or eavesdropping at the right time, but there were other hired thieves that I had to deal with at the same time that added an element of "combat" to the experience.
#personal#but also by eavesdropping and looking into files and etc I picked up stories about the people working and living there#which helped give them actual personalities and overall raised my investment in making sure their home essentially would be safe by the end#as an example there was this lady in her office that i could hear muttering from her computer#I was outside just under the window and my personal goal#personal as in there was no objective marker I just had a hunch#was to get in and look through her stuff#by listening to her mutter I learned that she had a friend in an office nearby that A I had to be wary about showing up#B had a key to the place (but also the doors would be unlocked)#C that she was stressed as hell and thus pretty distracted#the window before the desk was open a bit though she closed it before she left#I remembered thinking that I could have jammed it to keep it from closing all the way#but like the doors she didn't lock it#so i just slid it back open on my own#I learned about her life from her computer and jeez talk about trauma#but learned more so to follow the thread of going to her own friend's office#who as I learned#would be leaving it eventually too#idk there weren't any quest markers#just a large af map with multiple floors and a variety of ways to go about things#and a plethora of NPCs with set schedules I had to learn#Which would change dramatically if people learned I was there#I think it would be overwhelming for some people but tbh it's so what I want out of the genre
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timegears-moved · 11 months
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#dl#upset at my mom kinda day#still thinking about what happened yesterday#it's not even that she's unhappy with my relationship that bothers me so much (though it does play a part) because i know she knows that#she'll just have to put up with it and accept it#it's the fact that she refuses to treat me like an adult that can make my own decisions#i have to constantly fight her on this#my godmothers and other friends agree that she needs to dial it back but she doesn't and my stepdad only enables her#i know i complained about him recently but im honestly glad that my dad doesn't get that involved with my life and lets me breathe#and for my mom i think it's like a mixture of autistic infantilization (which i have called her out on before) and a reaction to trauma#the latter of which i get why she's doing it but it's not fair for her to take her issues and insecurities out on me#honestly i do feel fine living here but everytime this stupid shit comes up between us i wanna move far away because she makes me#feel claustrophobic with my entire life#i cant get another cat unless she says so even if my landlord approves. i can't use my money in ways she disapproves of.#i can't live at this place or do this thing or wear these clothes without her judgement#i was scared to get my tattoo last month not because of the tattooing process but because of what she would say#i have no fucking agency and she wonders why i never tell her shit#it's because i need to do everything behind her back to be happy and even then i feel guilty about it#idk how many times i have to argue with her on this before she fucking gets it
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llycaons · 2 years
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this is going to sound awful but I have not historically cared when a protagonist's parents were dead because it tended to be very generic angsty backstory for a shonen protag or whatever but the exception has been wwx I'll be like 'cangse sanren and wei changze never got to to see their son grow up god they loved him so much he would have been so happy with them' and legitimately have to fight off tears. and part of that is because they're charming, if one-dimensional characters, and I think part of it is how hard it is to watch what happens to wwx after his parents died because honestly it feels like that's where it all started
#you can name like two arcs in which wwx did not experience some sort of horrific trauma#it's almost ridiculous. this kid's parents are dead at 4 he's homeless he's fighting for food with feral dogs for YEARS#gets adopted into an emotionally abusive/neglectful household that he's still super grateful for because he's again#no longer a preschool-age child fighting wild dogs on the streets#gets thrown into a dungeon with his worst nightmare. sees his home destroyed and is personally blamed for it#gets tortured for MONTHS makes enormous sacrifices to win the war#abandons everything he loves to safe a small group of hated political prisoners and spends a year in the place that almost killed him#and loses his third family to their decision to sacrifice themselves for him#THEN loses one of the last people in the world who cares about him in the cruellest and most guilt-generating way possible#and all through that dealing with the corruption and elitism of the gentry he own shaky role in his society#and trying to maintain his autonomy and have agency in his own life#AND a painfully tumultous relationship with his soulmate who he probably feels like abandoned him#when people talk about the show taking liberties by having him commit suicide I cannot fathom where they thought his mental state#was at in the book. the two versions of his death really weren't so different#anyway he literally comes back to life against his will and the first thing he experiences is physical violence and verbal abuse#postres is MUCH better for him and things get sorted out but he still gets stabbed by his nephew feels rejected#and hated by people he loved etc. like it's so over the top it's almost hard to take seriously#but take it seriously I do 😔 my heart continues to ache#edit: AND he's a teenager. god as if it wasn't already bad. idk about you but my teenage years were miserable and confusing enough#cql txp
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huidol · 2 years
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🪄 🪄 🪄 TRIPLE ATTACK!!!
BEING ATTACKED!!!!!!!!!!!
(Ribs - The Crane Wives)
Time has changed the metaphor
now, dust is not the origin of bone
Little girl, don't let them sell you any armor
All your ribs are still your own
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The dark doesn't frighten me
I chose to close my eyes; it is mine
The night doesn't frighten me
I chose to let it thrive; it is mine
#honey blather#GRIFFIN <333#YES its another crane wives song i was gonna do uhmm. an orion experience song but ribs made me cry the first time I heard it so <333 uhm.#this song makes me loose my mind though seriously its not my favorite crane wife song that's probably like. curses or uhmm hand that feeds#but like?!?!!??!? the whole plot of the song is like. uhm the story of lilith which. okay this is like a religious thing but its not like#shitty. lilith is awesome and cool and the rules set in place were shitty#lilith didnt submit to a man and left the garden or was cast out idk anyways the whole song is about her being independant#and her story was removed from the book bc they don't want girls to follow her footsteps and be independent#and the whole song shes like You're still your own your ribs are not from a man etc etc#i listened to it and i was just like Oh god i have religous trauma <- already knew that#time has changed the metaphor dust is not the origin of bone <- talking about how since lilith's story has been wiped that everyone thinks#that women's bones are created from man'sbut in reality her bones were created from dust just likeadam FUCK DUDE!!!!#LITERALLY THE WHOLE SONG IS LIKE she literally just wants to be independent this is the most normal request how on earth could she be evill#also i promise if i get another ask i wont do another crane wife lyric i just like music. oh god wait i completely forgot about go! child#FUCK!!!! <- loves all the lyrics#sorry for the religious blather in the tags usually despise talking about it but i like this song because its like.#idk how to describe it its like. Lilith literally didn't want to submit to man and Christans treat her like a demon and its like.#wow theyre really outting themselves like this.#cw religion#tw religion
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myplasticadversary · 2 years
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Still contemplating Roman again and what would be the most effective narrative payoff to everything that's been set up and accumulating with him so far, hmmm
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haarute · 2 years
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*slides into your DMs* hey babe so are you a "life has been unfair to and filled with abuse" traumatized or a "consumed by loss regret and guilt" traumatized?
#text post#trauma#i saw something and started thinking about this earlier#because i feel like i often see people from the former group around and they're quite bitter. and justifiably so.#but over here in second group corner i'm like yeah man i have no sense of ego anymore i deserve all of the bad things.#and we like actively self-sabotage ourselves as a weird form of punishment too because how dare me be happy.#and logically i know that's bs. and yet feelings operate as they do.#but i know so many people who are so done with people's bullshit and ready to throw down and stand up for themselves#and i'm like damn i admire that fighting spirit.#and from what i can tell from the people i know it's often fueled by their own experiences with people who treated them wrong#but when nobody has treated you wrong but instead you yourself are the cause of all of the bad things then WELL FUCK ME#which is why posts that are meant to like pump yourself up to go stand up for yourself are so alien to me.#or stuff saying that it's totally fine to just be angry and hold grudges at people and i'm like well i don't relate to this at all#if anything it kinda makes me feel worse about myself in some weird way#since i'm the only person i could perceive as hateable.#the whole ''fuck the world i don't owe anyone anything and i should focus on my own happiness first'' mentality is great and all but#almost a direct opposite to what's going on in my head at all times.#i feel like i could dedicate my entire life to try and make the world a better place and i still couldn't justify my existence.#and i don't mean to anyone in particular. just to myself.#but this is on itself a selfish issue formed entirely on my own emotions.#... which just makes it worse.#so yeah.
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cute-ketsuki · 2 years
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As much as we joke about saying "trigger warning" in real life, some kind of heads up needs to be given if you are about to bring up a serious topic or something emotionally heavy. Even a simple question like "is it fine if we talk about X" or "Are you in the right space to talk about X?" works.
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toastsnaffler · 4 months
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I was on the wikipedia page for phobias just for fun but just discovered theres an actual word for a fear of being touched.. 🥹
#haphephobia.... and they list guts from berserk under pop culture references 😢😢😭😭 thats my guy....#not gonna lie i teared up a bit i didnt realise it 'counted' as an actual phobia#i find it really difficult to talk abt but i have a complicated relationship w touch/physical contact (likely trauma babeyy)#and while i do crave it a lot i also have a very physical reflexive fear response especially if its intentional + i dont expect it#which can sometimes even get triggered just being in proximity to ppl bc like. even the possibility sets me on fucking edge#it would be nice to be as physically affectionate as i naturally want to be without dealing w my fight/flight/freeze but alas#its weird bc there are some random situations where it doesnt get triggered at all but its so unpredictable every time#and varies wildly person to person for seemingly no reason. there r strangers im innately more comfortable with but also friends ive known#for years and will never be comfortable around. i think part of that depends on how strongly the other person communicates and whether-#i feel as if theyre demonstrably able to respect boundaries not just mine but their own too + understand theyre not always fixed#ideally i need to have had this conversation with them so i Know they understand. which is rly difficult i find it so hard to admit#and i have a complicated mental block where i need the other person to naturally bring it up which very very rarely ever happens#idk just an atmosphere of safety yknow. i think its intentional touch that specifically makes me panic bc im usually fine w like-#bustling crowds or even expected social rules like handshakes at interviews. bc its not like they're Trying To Touch Me its just rote idk#hopefully eventually ill reach a place where im able to unpack it and reduce its severity bc man sometimes its fucking heartbreaking to me#bc i do genuinely really like physical contact im an incredibly physical person its my main way of interacting w the world#and the way having to force myself to avoid it meshes w my rsd too augh.... its a clusterfuck#even just having one person im completely comfortable with. maaaaan.#almost makes me miss my ex. at least i was mostly cool around them#god its sucked lately ive been having weird vivid dreams related to it. but whatever its so far down my list of problems to prioritize#and at least i dont get it w my familys dog so i can cuddle her :^) i miss her i cant wait to see her next month :D#anywayyyy thats enough im so tired goodnight every1...#.diaries
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