#which they can now use to blame for every bad decision they ever made

[hannieehaee]

NEEDLE IN THE HAY

18+ / mdi

summary: after swearing off dating due to a messy breakup, wonwoo finds himself being forced out of the house by mingyu, joining the 97 squad as an honorary member. what wonwoo didn't realize, however, was that he'd end up swallowing his words after meeting the newest addition to the friend group.

content: idol!wonwoo x idol!reader, pining, friends to lovers, wonwoo's pov, reader is a 97 liner, oral (m receiving), penetrative sex, fingering, angst (with a happy ending), some self-deprecating thoughts from wonu </3

wc: 8.5k

a/n: can u guys tell i love idol aus or what .. anyways, this time i used proper capitalization since this is long as fuck! hope u enjoy even if its a bit of a mess <3

masterlist kofi/patreon

support me through a one-time tip! <3

Wonwoo was going through a slump.

As commonly known by his fans (and probably non fans too, by now), Wonwoo had a girlfriend prior to debuting. He's not entirely sure how the news came about to the public (something about a trainee leaking information ..?), but in reality that didn't really matter. What mattered now was that he now had to relive his messy breakup over and over again as people made it a bit of a 'meme' among the fandom. It wasn't like it made it to the news or anything, but even the reminder was enough to bring back the bad memories surrounding it. All the low self-esteem and doubtfulness that was attached to it. The breakup might've been distant by now, but the news breaking out were fresh, causing Wonwoo's wounds to reopen.

Now, Wonwoo didn't blame carats for this. Under any other circumstance he would've also found it comedic, but after it being a few years since the breakup and not managing to find a long-term relationship ever since, Wonwoo found himself in a slump once more, just like he felt when he was freshly broken up.

She, who shall not be named, was one of his closest friends in grade school. She hung around when he was nothing more than a lanky loser (not his words, but that of a few rowdy kids at school). She'd seen him and respected him before the world even knew his name. And then she'd become more than a friend.

As Wonwoo first made the decision to join Pledis, he was entirely unsure of himself. He wasn't untalented by absolutely any means, that much even he knew. He was growing to be a handsome young man, and was discovering new skills every day. But he didn't feel like he stood out enough to make it all the way to debut. His girlfriend, however, stood by him and gave him the strength to continue, which he did in hopes of making not only his family proud, but what he believed to be the love of his life proud too. Okay, maybe that was a bit too much, but he was a teenager, who could blame him for thinking himself in love?

Soon after came his debut. Things were going great. The sole fact that he had made it to debut with 12 of his friends and fellow trainees had him over the moon. He had fans now; supporters who thought the world of him. He had a happy family waiting for him at home, and a girl he was infatuated with that he could keep all to himself, away from the public eye. Everything was perfect. Until it wasnt.

It was as predictable as you'd imagine. The fame, the limelights, the constantly-changing schedules. It was all too much for someone who could do no more than watch from the sidelines. The issues began a few years into his debut. He felt her begin to pull away. To be fair, he might've unconsciously pulled away first, but his life was getting too hectic for things to be the same as before. Maybe it was his fault for believing that she would evolve along with his life, willing to follow him as he continued his journey with his 12 friends.

If that had been the end, maybe it would've been okay. But the breakup had not happened just yet. We could've stayed friends if we had only ended it there, he'd thought many times. Unfortunately for Wonwoo, a clean break just was not in his cards. He found out about it through his younger brother. The betrayal. The disrespect. The heartbreak. He would've rathered she'd broken his heart face to face, you know? Maybe that way it wouldn't have hurt years into the future as it continued to do.

She had found someone else. It was some guy she met in college (something Wonwoo thought he'd do someday, but had chosen the life of an artist instead). There was nothing wrong with the guy, it just wasn't Wonwoo. He thought that maybe if she'd told him, he would've understood, would've been sad, but would've respected her decision, but no, she made her choice. Had she forgotten to break up with him beforehand? Was he just an afterthought? These were the questions that plagued Wonwoo's mind years after the fact. He had decided to confront her with what his brother had seen. Them together at a cafe, too close for comfort. What was saddest was her lack of denial. She didn't even fight back; fight for him. She had turned it around into his fault. As if he'd forced her hand. What broke Wonwoo more than the betrayal was the look of disdain in her eyes. It made him feel like maybe he was the villain. That maybe even if he tried, he just couldn't be loved in that way.

That's how he found himself in this situation. Two years past the five year long relationship, coming across another post detailing a theory of whether or not Wonwoo was still with his 'pre-debut girlfriend', as people liked to call her. He believed himself to be over the girl, but couldn't find himself to admit whether or not he was over the hurt. Only time would tell, he guessed.

"Come on, hyung. You can't stay here every time you have one of your episodes. It's been years, you have to move on!"

Mingyu was getting ready for another outing with his famous 97 squad; this time the attendees being Eunwoo, Jungkook, and Y/N. He was trying, yet again, to convince his elder of joining him and his friends. Maybe he wasn't a 97-liner, but he was well-liked by all the members of the group, and he figured the outing would do his friend some good, seeing as he was once again down in the dumps over his old girlfriend.

"I told you it's not that, Mingyu," responded Wonwoo, barely facing away from his computer, once again gaming during his very limited free time.

"Okay, if you're truly not sad about that anymore, then come out with us! It's been a while since you've even left the apartment, and you've never actually accepted any of my invites out! If you don't like it, we'll leave. It's all people you've already met anyways," reasoned, a very stubborn Mingyu.

"I don't actually know any of them, Gyu. Saying hello whenever they come visit you doesn't really count as knowing a person."

"Okay! Fine! What do you want? What do I have to give to get my best friend to hang out with me? Money? You're rich! What? You wanna play video games? They like video games, too! Come. On. Just this once."

"Jesus Christ," he muttered, knowing his friend meant well, but not wanting to be around people while he had one of his usual slumps.

He pondered it for a minute. Maybe it'd be nice to be with other people like him. He'd never really made friends within the industry outside of the members and a few people he'd politely nod to as he walked the hallways of Hybe. Maybe it was time he broke out of his shell and befriended other people who would understand the loneliness that came with being an idol.

"Fine," he replied before his friend could hit him with another rebuttal to his denials. "Just this once."

Wonwoo didn't know what he was expecting any time Mingyu would bring up his outings with the 97's. With Mingyu's extroverted and eccentric personality, both in and out of the public eye, he assumed he meant clubbing or at least hitting up a pub. He wasn't sure what you or Jungkook or Eunwoo were into, but he assumed you'd be somewhat like Mingyu. But he couldn't have been more wrong.

He was pleasantly surprised to find that his loud friend's friends all had a very striking contrast to him. The three idols sitting around him in Eunwoo's (whose name was actually Dongmin, apparently) apartment all seemed very quiet and calm. Their personalities also all seemed to match his better than that of Mingyu's, which made him come to the realization that maybe that was how they'd all befriended each other; through the overgrown puppy's incessant need to befriend everyone in every room he walked into.

Wonwoo appreciated Mingyu, truly. His outgoing nature would sometimes make a shy guy like Wonwoo, who liked to keep himself as small as possible, a little uneasy at times, but be appreciated his best friend's constant aid in getting Wonwoo's mood up. Even now. He hated to admit it, but his sudden decrease in mood seemed to be rapidly disappearing thanks to the new change of environment.

He had quickly taken a liking to Mingyu's three friends.

Dongmin was nice and insightful. A pretty face and a very interesting mind. He saw a bit of himself in him.

Jungkook was polite and funny. He was the perfect balance of childhood friend and college heartrob.

You. Well, Wonwoo hadn't quite figured you out yet. Admittedly, this had been the first time you'd ever spoken past a polite greeting or an inquiry for Mingyu's whereabouts, but he had been able to get a read for the other two members of the group. You were the outlier.

What he knew, though, was that he liked you. Okay, not like that, but there was an easiness that you seemed to carry with you. You were simply easy for him to fall into conversation with. It had already been a few hours (and a few drinks) since Wonwoo and Mingyu had arrived to Dongmin's apartment, and you and Wonwoo had been engaged in ongoing conversation shortly after arriving. And the conversation didn't seem to be heading towards its end any time soon. It had begun as a group outing (well, indoors), but to Wonwoo it now felt like a one-on-one, as the three remaining members of the 97's seemed distracted on their own, leaving you and Wonwoo to converse with each other freely.

-

"Okay, yeah. That can be kind of annoying, but how can you complain about Mingyu?! He's such a sweet guy," you laughed, responding to one of the many lighthearted disses of Mingyu Wonwoo had been feeding you with.

"You don't have to live with him. He's even louder at home," he chuckled.

"Then move out! I live alone now, finally. I love my members, but there's nothing as nice as being alone after coming home from hectic schedules."

"Yeah, I can imagine. Can't do that, though. I don't really like being alone that much," he revealed.

"You? Really? Then how come it's taken Mingyu this long to get you out of the house?," you inquired, leaning towards him with interest.

That was something he liked about you immediately. You listened. You showed visible interest in what he had to say. Granted, none of the things you'd been talking about thus far were groundbreaking (so far you'd managed to speak of predebut stories, hopes for your respective groups, current hobbies, a few movie and book recommendations here and there, and endless other things), but he still appreciated someone outside of his family and members who showed interest in what he had to say. Still, part of him believed he might've been so starved for affection he could've just been reading too much into it.

"Oh," he chuckled. "He told you about that?"

"Fuck. Okay, don't tell him I said this. And I mean it, I trust you, Wonwoo," you paused. "He told us he'd been trying to get you out of the house a bit ... that you'd been feeling down."

Oh. Okay, now he felt a bit awkward. Why would Mingyu give opening for him to receive pity even from strangers?

"Oh. I-"

"So, I insisted he invited you come out with us."

Oh?

"You did? I .. How come?"

"Well. Honestly? I've been there. Having your members is great and all. And if you have a supportive family, that's even better. But our lifestyle's too isolated to not have as many people around us as we can. I don't know how I managed to navigate the industry before meeting Mingyu. He really took me under his wing and made sure I felt welcomed with the other 97's, even with all the shit he got for hanging out with a female idol so publicly."

So, that's how you'd met. Man, he's always known Mingyu as one of the nicest people he's ever met, but this truly made him take the cake. He remembered the articles that came out about both you him (and a few of the other 97-liners) when they'd made you the first female addition to the friend group. He didn't pay them much mind, seeing as dating rumours come by the dozens among idols, but he hadn't really stopped to think about how it might've affected you.

"Did he tell you about .. why I kept saying no?"

"No. And I didn't want to intrude. Your battles are your own, Wonwoo, unless you want to share them."

Well, fuck. He was wrong. Well, right. Both. You did care. You didn't even know him, but you still cared. Or at least it seemed like it. He couldn't really wrap his head around the concept. He hadn't let anyone in (other than his 12 brothers) about what had happened. He had never felt the need to. He felt embarrassed by it. I mean, it was just a break up; an old one no one even knew about. Yes, he got cheated on, but it had been years ago. He should be over it by now. Even though people kept bringing his ex up. But why did he feel like he could confide in you?

He considered it. Telling you, that is. But he quickly realized that was just the alcohol talking. You had just met. He didn't want to scare you away. Hmm. Maybe he should circle back on this thought at some point. He also didn't want to make you privy to the most embarrassing thing about him (the green room shenanigans did not hold a candle to his pathetic heartbreak story if he had anything to say about it). So, he decided to save it for another time. He'd already decided in his head that he'd want to see you again. Maybe he would take up Mingyu on his offer to join the 97's as an honorary member.

The conversation eventually circled back to something more lighthearted, allowing Wonwoo to enjoy your company for a few more hours before Mingyu decided it was time for them to leave, knowing his friends probably had busy days tomorrow, just like any idol would.

Wonwoo couldn't sleep. The effects of the alcohol were fully gone by now; his loose tongue tightened back up and his mood regulated once again. Despite that, his mind was still clouded with thoughts of you. He had originally chalked it up to alcohol, how he felt a strange sense of disappointed upon having to bid his goodbye to you earlier tonight. But, lying in bed many hours later, he realized it was all still in his head. Your long-winded conversation, the drinks you shared together, the genuine care in your eyes, even Mingyu's stupid smirk as they walked back into their apartment, muttering something along the lines of 'I knew you'd have fun'. It was all still running around in his head, depriving him of sleep. He felt an odd sense of anxiousness. Excitement, maybe? He wasn't sure. He was looking forward to finding out though.

-

The next day was filled with schedules. A quick appearance at a comeback show in the morning, followed by a fitting back at the Hybe building, along with a few hours of practice with the boys. He'd always enjoyed hectic days like this. While tiring, they kept his mind occupied, and allowed him to spend the day with some of the people he treasured the most. Seeing carats early in the morning was also a treat. Even if for only a few minutes, walking past the crowd of people waiting for his arrival at MNET was always nice. It made him put a face (well, multiple) to the people who loved him most.

He was now ending his day, just as soon as it had started, when he heard a voice call to him from across the long hallway. Turning around, he found ... you? you! what were you doing here?

"Wonwoo! Wait up!", you quickly caught up to him as he halted his movements in order to wait for you. You two then began walking together.

"Hey ? What are you doing here?"

You stopped. "Really? Wonwoo! I work here? My group's been here for a few months now, did you never notice? Hybe acquired my company last year," despite your shock at his ignorance, there was no actual anger or annoyance in your voice.

He felt kind of bad. You'd spent grand part of last night letting Wonwoo know how much attention you'd paid to Mingyu's retellings of Wonwoo's problems only for him to not know the most basic of things about you. It really wasn't that big of a deal, but it was with small details like this that his ex began to pull away.

"Oh, wait, Wonwoo. I'm not actually mad, I'm sorry. I just assumed you already knew," his face must've told on him. He had to admit that he was kind of paranoid after what had happened. He'd already ruined a few friendships (along with the relationship) with his lack of attention to the people around him. He didn't want to add you to the list of failed relationships so soon.

"Ah. Sorry. I don't really keep track of those things too often. I'm too distracted sometimes."

"I get you. There's too many new groups at Hybe for you to have noticed anyway. Anyways! Are you done for the day?"

He felt his heart accelerate at the thought of you wanting to know what his future whereabouts would be.

"Uh, yeah. I was heading home actually?"

"What? Nooo! Mingyu's taking Jungkook and I out to a little discreet pub he knows. You should come with. Please. They're so annoying when Dongmin's missing," you pleaded, making eyes at him.

You wanted him to come? You were inviting him? He hadn't really gone out for a few weeks (since he began to see people speak of his 'pre-debut ex-girlfriend' that everyone assumed was still in the picture). He had to admit, he found it kind of funny how carats would whine at the idea of him being taken. That was kind of the silver lining; a slight lift to his bad mood surrounding it. He-

"Wonwoo? It's okay if you don't wanna come. I don't wanna pressure you!"

Oh, shit. He was in his head again. He needed to break these habits if he wanted to work on his people skills.

"Oh, sorry. No, I was thinking of something else, sorry," he chuckled awkwardly, "I .. yeah, I'd love to come," he found himself agreeing.

Wonwoo was not an awkward man by any means. His fans and many others knew him as a charming guy, which he really was. He was just going through a weird period in his life. That and you made him nervous for some reason.

"Great,"you smiled back at him, further increasing the speed of his heart.

Wonwoo was extra exhausted after today's events, not being used to outings with people outside of his members after already tiresome days. For some reason, his social battery always drained almost immediately when around people he wasn't too familiar with, and tonight he'd chosen to spend the night at a pub full of strangers. But, hey, at least you were there.

Once more, you and Wonwoo found yourselves in one-on-one conversation. Although Mingyu had been slightly surprised to see his friend arrive with you at the selected meeting spot at the pub, he gave Wonwoo a knowing smile, glad to have his friend out of the house once again.

The goodbye was, again, dreadful for Wonwoo. He didn't know what was wrong with him. He wasn't usually someone to get attached so easily, but your name just called to his ever since that first time he met you. This time had worsened his condition. You drank together, exchanged numbers, maybe even flirted(?) a little, and then went your own ways, sharing a quick hug as you departed.

He hated to rush things (even if it was only in his head), but he had to admit to himself that he liked you. Yeah, like that. He felt like a teenager again; giddy at the thought of you, crushing on the pretty girl his friend introduced him to. He had unofficially sworn off dating two years ago when he broke up with her, but it wasn't like that was too big of an effort considering his dating market as an idol wasn't very expansive anyways. He also didn't want to assume things. You were just a friend. But you were also so pretty, and nice, and you had so much in common with him, you even shared a career! You were just his type, he realized. He wondered why you hadn't dated any of the 97's before. Wait, maybe you had a boyfriend. One Wonwoo, of course, wouldn't know about since you'd just met. Fuck. There he went again, letting his mind spiral over the smallest of things. He needed to give himself a break and just enjoy your friendship. Enjoy the good things he had instead of thinking of the bad. That had been a struggle lately.

You and Wonwoo continued to meet occasionally like that. Eventually meeting almost daily at the company. You'd stop by his practice room to hang out during work, and vice versa. He also found himself begging Mingyu to let him join in on his outings, wanting to see you even after work. He tried to be casual about it, but as soon as his smug friend realized the reason behind Wonwoo's sudden interest, he teased him endlessly about it, making jokes like 'But you're a 98-liner, why would you wanna hang out with us kids?,' a smirk glued to his face. He hadn't told Mingyu about his crush (nor would he ever admit to it), but Mingyu's correct assumption of his feelings for you led his friend to try and become a bit of a matchmaker. He'd now taken a habit to purposely leaving you and Wonwoo alone, even dragging his other friends away when they'd try and make conversation in order to get the two of you together. He was embarrassed by this, but was even more embarrassed that he was kind of thankful for his friend's actions.

Wonwoo had been enjoying the time he got to spend with you alone. Like now. Mingyu had invited you, Dongmin, Jungkook and Jaehyun over to his (and Wonwoo's place), something that didn't tend to happen before since Mingyu had wanted to respect Wonwoo's privacy. This was your first time here. Your first time in Wonwoo's room (door open, of course) as he showed you some of his recent photography that he'd told you about in your previous meeting. Once more, he felt like a teenager as he showed you his art, giddy at your endless compliments towards his talent.

"Jesus. So many idols pick up photography as a hobby, but I'd never seen any of them be actually good at it. Wonwoo, these are amazing!", he heard compliments like this from fans and staff alike very often, but it just had a different effect when it came from you.

He wanted to deny you; be bashful about it and chuckle a polite disagreement to your compliment, but after getting to know you better these past few weeks, he knew that wouldn't fly with you, instead opting for a shy 'thank you' in response.

"I'm serious, Wonwoo. You should do a showing or something! Your fans would love it. And .. you should teach me also!", he loved how enthusiastic you always were. It reminded him a lot of his best friend. Maybe that's why he liked the both of you so much.

He turned his head to face you as you sat next to him on his bed, lap to lap. He hadn't realized how close you had been sitting to one another in order to look at his laptop screen. Before he could scoot away, you turned your head too, now having only a few inches between your faces.

You looked at each other without saying anything, Wonwoo's breath hitching. Any reasonable man would've pulled you in for a kiss as soon as he noticed your eyes trail down to his lips, clearly inciting him to do so. But Wonwoo wasn't a very reasonable man. He was a mess of unreasonable emotions, which led him to his first mistake.

Seeing as he wasn't doing anything, you seemed to become frustrated at his lack of action, leaning in instead of him. Now, that would've been perfect if Wonwoo were, you know, normal. But the end result was less than favorable. As you leaned in, he panicked, getting up from the bed in a rush and creating a very obvious space between you. Your eyes widened, and he caught a hint of hurt and embarrassment behind them at his actions before you quickly took control of your expression.

"I, uhh. It's getting late. You have an early morning, don't you?", fuck, why the hell was he saying that?! Was he kicking you out? Wonwoo kicked himself in his mind, but his mouth kept running against his will. "I have an early morning, maybe you should, uh .."

He caught that hurt in your eyes once more as you responded. "Oh, I .. Right. Sorry .. Yes, I do, actually. I should go now .. Thanks for showing me your pictures. Have a nice night, Wonwoo," you were being far too cordial with him, seemingly making it a point of using overly formal language when the two of you had agreed before to speak casually; as friends.

He fucked it up. Again.

He watched you leave without stopping you. He had every chance to as you looked back at him one more time before exiting his room. He had another chance as he heard you close the front door to his apartment. He could've ran after you (even speed-walking would've sufficed, really), but he stood there like an idiot.

Wonwoo was right. He was incapable of love. Romantic love, at least. He still had many friends and a loving family back home, but he had been right to believe himself unlovable after his ex had left him. Turns out she was right. It was all his fault.

A few weeks had gone by since he last saw you. The text messages between you now unexistent, and the chance for reconciliation dying further every passing day. You hadn't tried to contact him after what happened, nor did you wait outside his practice room every day as you had taken a habit of doing a few weeks into your friendship. Mingyu's invites to hang out with his friends were now left unattended by Wonwoo, not wanting to sour your free time with your friends with his presence. He'd ruined everything, he admitted to himself. It was obvious to him and everyone else that your friendship had begun to blossom into something more. There had been hints here and there of your reciprocation of his feelings, but they terrified him, so he chose to ignore them.

He thought about his feelings, but not yours, he had come to realize a few days after the fact.

He had wanted to kiss you so badly. He'd dreamt about it, even. He felt silly to admit this, but you'd become such a constant in his life in such a short period of time that he found it easy to imagine you there forever now. He felt the same way he did back in high school when he believed himself to be in love with his ex. He realized now that those feelings for her had dissipated quickly after his debut. They'd only been together for so long due to the familiarity of it. Maybe that's why his ex had such a hard time breaking off things with him. Maybe that's why she chose to cheat on him instead. Maybe that familiarity was what made the situation such a mess in the first place.

He had gotten out of his slump thanks to you (and Mingyu, maybe), but now he had fallen right back into it, even worse this time.

It didn't take long for his roommate to notice his friend's absences in their outings, or the stark difference in his mood as soon as he got home every day from being an idol. Mingyu had the privilege (not really) of seeing how whatever happened between you took effect on the both of you. He saw his best friend fall back into his previous depressive state, while he saw you become a shell of yourself. He didn't know what happened, and he honestly didn't care. No one asked for his help, but he was going to give it anyways.

By some act of god, Mingyu was able to convince Wonwoo to leave their apartment long enough to participate in an upcoming outing once more. He had promised that the only other attendee would be Jungkook, as the plan was to have some drinks at the man's house. Other than you, Wonwoo had taken a special liking to Jungkook, having many things in common with him. Wonwoo had only agreed to attend in order to lessen any suspicion Mingyu may have had about the reason behind his current low mood, but he was also happy to see one of his new friends again.

Unfortunately for Wonwoo, Mingyu was a meddler. He wasn't entirely sure why he was even surprised at seeing you walk across Jungkook's front door as he sat on one of his couches, drink in hand. An unsuspecting Jungkook let you in, not taking notice of your shocked face at spotting Wonwoo just a few meters away. Wonwoo should've known that Mingyu would get involved sooner or later. He wasn't sure if he was thankful or annoyed at his friend's nosy nature.

Despite your initial shock, you were polite with Wonwoo. You interacted as you used to before the two of you had gotten to know one another. Just a few nods and tight smiles. It killed him inside a little bit. He wanted to fix things; to at least get your friendship back even if he couldn't allow himself more. He would sneak glances at you as you joked and drank with your two friends, feeling a smile grace his face at your laughter. At least you were happy, he thought.

The four of you eventually ended up in one of Jungkook's many guest rooms. This one was a viewing room, as he called it. Special for whenever he wished to invite friends over for a movie. You all sat and shared some commentary at what was playing on screen. To any outsider, this would've looked like the perfect outing. And maybe it was to Mingyu and Jungkook. But the air between you and Wonwoo still felt tense, even despite the occasional nod of acknowledgement you'd make to one another whenever your eyes met.

In a very unpredictable turn of events, Mingyu had managed to get you and Wonwoo in a room alone, dragging Jungkook away under the excuse of doing an impromptu live for his fans. He knew Jungkook wouldn't miss the chance. You and Wonwoo sat next to each other in the now empty movie room, neither of you making a move. He saw you looking at your hands from his peripheral, solemn look on your face. You were usually very talkative and lively. He felt terrible at how his presence in your life had caused such a stark difference in your demeanor. So, he did what he usually wouldn't do, and spoke up first.

"I .. How have you been?"

Great way to break the silence, Wonwoo.

You sat in silence for a beat or two, "Wonwoo, it's fine. We don't have to do this. I'm already embarrassed enough as it is."

Embarrassed? Why would you be embarrassed?

"Embarrassed? At what?"

"Do I really have to say it? I thought I read things right. I thought maybe you might've maybe liked me back. I didn't .. I didn't mean to ruin our friendship over some stupid kiss.," you wouldn't look into his eyes as you spoke, even as he uncharacteristically stared at you with all his attention.

"You ... You didn't do anything wrong. I should've talked to you. Fuck. I should've apologized. I wanted to. Kiss you, I mean. I panicked. It was so soon. I didn't want to pressure you," he had gotten up now, now sitting next to you on the couch.

"Pressure me? I kissed you. Well, tried to ..." you finally turned to look at him in his new proximity. Okay, progress, "I'm sorry, I kind of had an idea of what you were going through and still pushed you. It hurt me that you froze me out like that, but if it was what you felt like you needed to do, then I understand," you said with a sad smile that didn't meet your eyes.

God, why were you so understanding? He felt like an asshole. He was an asshole. Freezing you out was not something he wanted to do to you, but the result of his cowardice. He knew he had hurt you, but your admission to it only made him feel worse.

"You didn't do anything wrong! You- you did what I wanted to do that night. What I was going to do before I backed out like a coward. I wish I'd handled things differently. I wish I'd kissed you .. I-" he was beginning to feel shy at his almost-direct admissions of his feelings towards you, but he needed to continue. He was going to continue, but you had different plans.

As per usual, you knew him better than he did himself. You knew exactly how to salvage the situation without making him open up more than he felt comfortable with doing in his current emotional state. You grabbed his face, interrupting his speech, and ..

You kissed him.

"Like that?", you'd softly asked against his lips.

It was nothing like you'd see in movies. Just a small peck accompanied by your soft hands holding onto his cheeks.

You began to pull away almost immediately, too soon for Wonwoo's comfort. But that kiss had been enough for him to finally snap into action like he should've done weeks ago.

He grabbed you this time, pulling your lips against his again, putting much more into the kiss this time.

He'd never kissed someone like this. He'd kissed many people after his breakup. Hell, he'd done far more than kissing. But none of those moments held a candle to this one. Nothing compared to your soft moans against his lips, or the feeling of your pliant back against his palm. Nothing defeated the feeling of your hands restlessly looking for a place in his body to hold on to. He kissed you with every emotion that had been piling up since you two began to really get to know each other. No, since he first began to spiral into his depressive state. There was not a single emotion in Wonwoo's body that didn't go into that kiss.

Then came other stuff.

Wonwoo hadn't really thought about the sexual aspects of his attraction to you. Other than a few of the restless nights spent alone in his room, you in mind. As he kissed you, however, he couldn't help but begin to feel aroused. You were so pretty and so so soft against his arms. You had both begun to lean down, with his body hovering over yours, holding his body weight above you as not to crush you. You kissed mindlessly for a few minutes, at some point beginning to moan messily against each other's mouths.

Your tongue eventually came out to play with his, making him lightheaded at the sudden wetness of the kiss. You both began to feel dizzy, arousal clouding your minds. Wonwoo tried to pull away, wanting to confirm if what was happening was okay with you, but you wouldn't let him. Instead you pulled him even closer, forcing him all the way on top of you, your crotches now face to face. He decided to take the risk and begin a slow grind against you, which proved rewarding as you began to mewl against his lips, allowing his tongue to roam freely inside your mouth.

Then came even more stuff.

"Wo-wonwoo, please."

God, there was no way he would make it if that's how you sounded after just some light dry humping.

He managed to actually unglue himself from you this time; eyes lidded and breath heavy.

"Baby .. let me .. can I?", he questioned, hands approaching your nether area.

You grabbed his wrist, walking him the rest of the way, nodding desperately as you pressed his hand against your clothed cunt.

"Please, yes. I need you."

He undid the drawstring from your sweats, you aiding him in lowering your sweats just below your ass.

He neared you as much as possible as he began to rub your cunt over the thin fabric of your panties, kissing and biting at your neck as you mewled at the friction. He did this for a while until he decided to bury two of his fingers inside your cunt, making sure to rub your clit lightly with his thumb. He calculated his movements, wanting to go for a slow and steady pace that would have you lightheaded.

You moaned and whined at that, your body not knowing what to do at the pleasure Wonwoo was giving you.

He began to speak against your neck, praising your beauty and the way you oh so prettyly cried for him.

"Wonwoo .. oh, fuck Wonwoo please. Please ..." he wasn't sure what you were begging for, but he wanted more of it. So he sped up, wanting nothing more than to hear your cries of pleasure as he fingered you to completion.

Upon meeting your high, you disconnected from one another, still holding a very close proximity as you shyly smiled at each other. He helped you clean up the slight mess you had made on the couch under you, pulling your sweats all the way back up and helping you get on your feet. Neither of you said anything as he guided you out of Jungkook's apartment, not bothering to say goodbye to your friends. You both knew what you wanted with just a few looks at one another.

You then found yourselves in Mingyu's car. How Mingyu was going to get home, Wonwoo didn't know nor care. Payback for meddling, Wonwoo guessed. All he wanted now was to take you home and show you how much you meant to him.

He had his left hand on the wheel while the other held your hand over the console. You both felt giddy at the small displays of affection you'd been showing each other, sharing shy smiles and blushing at catching the other staring. It was kind of funny considering your current destination. It was all mostly wordless until your fast arrival to Mingyu and Wonwoo's shared apartment, where you both finally stopped to speak before entering the door.

"Wonwoo, wait," you stopped him before he was able to put his key in the lock.

"What's wrong?"

You seemed uneasy. Maybe this was too soon? Had he gone too far by what he did in Jungkook's house? Fuck. Okay, maybe fingering you in your friend's house while your friends were in the other room right after confessing to you (did he even confess ??) wasn't the best idea for a reconciliation. Maybe he should'v-

"Are you sure about this? I .. I don't wanna pressure you ..."

You were far too considerate of his feelings for his own good. But he didn't care about his feelings right now. He cared about yours. Because if you were happy, then he was happy. He just wanted you.

He turned his body to face you, grabbed both of your hands and squeezed lovingly. He no longer felt that sense of anxiousness when speaking his feelings to you. He felt at ease, and he wanted you to also.

"I'm sure. I want you. Anything you'll give me. If you want to go past that door and just let me hold your hand, I'll take it. If you want me to drive you back home, I'll do it. If you want to tell me off for making you wait for me to grow the balls to show you how I felt, I'll understand that too. Forget about my pace. It's been enough about me. I want to think about you. It's all about you," he finished his little speech feeling not an ounce of bashfulness, but rather an uncharacteristic sense of relief. He felt more than content at freely telling you how he was feeling.

You smiled up at him. "It's always about you for me, Wonwoo."

It took a bit of convincing from you, really. Repeating over and over again pleas and words of affirmation to ease his mind. He felt bad. He did say this was all about you. Which is why he'd insistently denied you when you first walked across the door, hand in hand, and immediately begged to suck his dick. He was caught off guard at first. He wanted to take care of you for once, not the other way around. You'd argued that he already had, insisting that he'd be doing you a favour by letting you get his cock in your mouth. Now, that .. that had gotten an involuntary reaction out of him. He couldn't help himself. You were a pretty girl - now his pretty girl - practically begging to get his dick wet. Batting your eyelashes at him and running your hands up and down his chest, muttering words such as "you'll let me take care of you, won't you?", or "i just wanna make you feel good," or his favorite "just a little bit, baby, want it so bad. been dreaming about it .."

That's how he now had you on your knees as he stood with his back against his front door, hands holding your hair out of your face as you tortured him with your tongue. You had prepared him by rubbing his dick for a minute or so, then moving onto kitten licking his tip and running your tongue ever so slowly up and down the protruding veins. You were taking your time, clearly enjoying his stuttered breaths above you.

You finally wrapped your mouth around him, sucking and licking at the tip, making all thought in his mind leave him immediately. He threw his head back against the wall at the pressure and warmth of your mouth, groaning out your name.

"Fuck .. just like that. Shit, I-fuck," there was no proper sentence that could leave his mouth as you fully enveloped his cock in your mouth, moaning around it.

Then he made the mistake of looking down, staring directly into your eyes, which were rolled back in pleasure, brows furrowed in concentration as you gave him your best performance. He hadn't known pleasure like this in ages, staring down at your pretty face as you lost yourself in the pleasure of the weight of his cock on your tongue.

You continued like this, doing everything that seemed to get a reaction out of him until drawing him almost to completion.

"Shit, baby, I'm gonna cum. You gotta- fuck. Baby, wait. Wanna fuck you ..." he tried to stop you, not wanting to cut the night short before he could get you as close as physically possible to him, your walls warmly wrapped around him. The thought did not help matters, as he felt his end approach even sooner. You also did not seem to care, as you fastened your movements and moaned even louder against him, vibrations triggering his impending orgasm. You swallowed every bit he gave you, humming at the taste.

You must be evil, he thought, watching you continue to lightly suck and lick at him even past completion, not caring that he half-heartedly tried to push you away from the slight overstimulation. When you finally pulled away, he held your hands in order to get you back up to your full height, eyes glued to your lips. He couldn't help himself. He felt depraved at the thought, but he needed to taste you and the remnants of himself twirling in your tongue. So he did what any sensible man would do, and shoved his tongue in your mouth, intertwining yours and his as he sucked his remaining juices out of your mouth and gave them back to you as he dragged your tongue back and forth. You moaned loudly into his mouth, growing restless at the lack of pleasure where you needed him most.

You pulled away, and wordlessly gave him eyes that could only mean one thing. Your eyes always got to him. One look and he'd give you whatever you wanted, so he promptly held your hand once more and led you to his room, laying you down on his bed and slowly undressing you. He wanted to savour every part of your body he'd been dying to see. Every article of clothing he removed, he caressed the skin behind. He faced you away from him and felt you up from behind, running his hands up and down your body as you pressed yourself even more against him, dizzy at the pleasure of his hands against you. He fondled your breasts and ass, wanting to commit them to memory. You moaned at the way he touched you, enticing him to continue. After a while of worshiping your body, he laid you back down, your body now facing him, and undressed himself.

He felt a strong sense of pride at the moan the sight of his bare chest pulled out of you. Your hands drew themselves towards him as you ran them up and down his chest, forming goosebumps anywhere your fingertips graced. He finally lowered himself down and pressed your chests together, wanting to be as close as possible.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered, as if it was a secret no one could ever know, "You're all mine now. Never letting you go again", he began to grind his bare length against you, now hard again against your folds.

You whined at his actions, mind clouded by his words of affection. "Nonu ... please. I need it. Need you, just- Argh! Fuck ..." he swiftly entered you, interrupting your pleas for him.

God, you felt so tight and warm around him. Your body so pliant and soft against his. He had never felt more bliss than when you arched your back and pressed your tits against his chest, harshly digging your nails on his shoulders as you moaned out his name.

Pleasure overtook his mind, making him wax poetic at you endlessly, letting out his deepest of feelings for you.

"Want you always. Can't breathe without you."

"Never wanna be away from you again. You're everything."

"Gonna keep you ... keep you close to me. Just like this ..."

Then came something not even he expected himself to utter.

"L-love you. Fuck. So much. Is it too soon? I love you. Never felt like t-fuck .. like this before."

His words seemed to have an instant effect on you, as you tightened impossibly harder around him, crying his name as your orgasm suddenly hit you. The tightening of your walls, along with knowing the effect he had on you, brought Wonwoo to his end almost immediately after, claiming his orgasm on your stomach as he pulled out with a high whine of your name.

A few minutes of cleaning you up later and Wonwoo found the both of you under his covers, you laying your head on his shoulder as you wrapped your arms around one another, softly running his hands up and down your arm. No words exchanged between the two of you.

As per usual, you broke the silence, turning yourself to face his side while still in his hold. He mirrored your actions, holding you even closer as you stared into each other's eyes, shy smiles on your faces.

"I love you too. It's not too soon. I love you, Wonwoo."

Your words took his breath away once more. What he had confessed in the throes of passion was being reciprocated. He hadn't shared the three words with anyone ever since his break up. His breakup, which had been the furthest thing from his mind ever since he had realized his feelings for you.

You fell asleep like that; holding each other tightly and muttering words of affection at each other every so often until sleep won you over. Wonwoo had never had such peaceful sleep, having never had the pleasure of holding someone he cared so much about in his sleep.

The news broke out quickly. Not to the public, of course, but to Mingyu, who had found you in bed the next morning when he'd noticed your absences last night, rushing home worried that maybe his plan to get you two to talk had backfired. Safe to say that Mingyu smugly took credit over your reconciliation (he might've deserved maybe a 15% of the credit). Then the news broke out to the 97 liners, who happily welcomed Wonwoo back into the group under the name of honorary 97-liner. Then his group mates found out, along with yours. They were all very accepting, having noticed your feelings for one another before you even did. Finally, the news broke out to your shared company. This was the trickiest one, but your insistence in the validity of your love for one another was able to triumph over any obstacles.

It had now been a few months since that fateful night, the words I love you being uttered between the two of you daily. Even as you worked your busy idol schedules and had distance put between you every once in a while, your relationship prospered, giving Wonwoo a new sense of what being loved truly was. He no longer felt like his ex had been right about him being unlovable. You had taught him to know better, while he showed you the same care in return.

Wonwoo no longer winced at the mentions of his 'pre-debut girlfriend', but even laughed along at the memes his fans made about their favorite idol being taken. Now knowing that, yes, he was taken, but had something even better now; you.

#seventeen fanfic #seventeen x reader #seventeen #svt fanfic #seventeen smut #svt #svt smut #svt x reader #seventeen imagine #wonwoo fanfic #wonwoo x reader #wonwoo smut

[shepscapades]

Hiii I LOVEEEEE your DBC AU so much!!!!! You've given me a concerning level of brainrot =w= I just have question about the new part that just came out: why is Etho going crazy? Is it bc of the trauma? Or is it smth else?

HI thank you!!! <3 It’s been mentioned here and there (I think I talked about it in the Part 1 post), but it’s probably not a bad idea to recap every now and then for any new folks. (I then proceeded to write everything out more detail than I’ve ever talked about it before!) so hopefully this makes things a little more clear! Gbjdghkvjm

Etho, who was still trying to get used to a full range of emotions on top of his first life series, had a REALLY hard time with how Last Life ended— the adrenaline and fear of Death Games’ Survival of the Fittest and being pit against all of his friends is one thing, but something about his relationship with bdubs was so much more important to him, and he essentially blames himself for bdubs’ permanent death in the series. He vividly remembers (has recorded + logged the memories of) himself telling bdubs he wouldn’t give him a life unless he killed one of the other reds— remembers bdubs saying he’ll kill to earn the life, remembers him looking so earnest and determined, vividly remembers the moment the message rang out that Bdubs had gotten his kill, and the message that Grian had killed Bdubs shortly after.

Etho never quite forgave himself for being the self-perceived reason bdubs dies (after all, he should have just given bdubs the life if he really cared and wanted him to survive), and he takes this grief back with him as they return to Hermitcraft Season 8. As someone who’s very new to feelings of guilt and failure, you can imagine how hard he took this— reviewing the memories again and again, trying to understand why he made those decisions, realizing how selfish he is, comparing his “failure to protect bdubs” to when he was first assigned to Bdubs, when he sacrificed himself to keep Bdubs safe.

As the moon situation escalated and hermitcraft got increasingly busy, Etho couldn’t find it in himself to confront bdubs (maybe not seeing himself fit to deserve bdubs’ forgiveness, or fearing Bdubs’ disappointment or anger with him) and his fears and regrets kind of slowly ate away at him until it shut him down. It’s actually a recurring theme for Etho that, because of the damage he sustained from the creeper blast that caused his deviancy, his systems are actually kind of fragile when it comes to pushing them to their extremes. When he feels an extraordinary amount of overwhelming emotion, his thirium pump starts to work in overdrive, and thirium starts leaking from all of the places his shell is cracked— his face, his shoulder, and his arm.

So the idea is that, Etho returns to Season 8 trying to… more or less forget about what happened— except he can’t, he’s obsessed with what happened, and his emotions start to overwhelm him until thirium starts to leak and whatnot. But I think deviants are fairly used to “dismissing” warnings, as sometimes their thirium pump will skip, their temperature will rise, or other system updates may happen when they feel certain emotions, and Etho is so distracted (or. Trying to be distracted) that he doesn’t realize he’s dismissing Thirium Loss notifications until it’s too late. He begins to shut down with Last Life on his mind, and the system errors that follow are all garbled out.

This technically happens before the moon destroys the server, which means etho is offline, or broken, or what have you, when the server gets destroyed, and this is actually what truly glitches him out. When Xisuma and Doc try to reboot him at the beginning of season 9, Etho’s system is caught on a glitch: Etho had shut down thinking about last life, so his programming is trying to eliminate the threat who killed bdubs as an attempt to fix what happened (bdubs dying). Etho’s trying to eliminate grian (who isn’t a threat anymore, because this isn’t last life, last life was ages ago) but he’s not thinking straight and can’t process anything beyond the Desperation+Fear+Guilt. Since Grian’s not in the room, he goes for the next best thing: the person who might be able to tell him where Grian is: the server admin. Doc just gets in the way of Etho trying to get to Xisuma, so Etho “decommissions” Doc in an attempt to remove him from the equation.

So um. Yeah! That should be everything more or less explained… hopefully it also clears up some details you may or may not notice in the comics! Etho starts leaking thirium throughout the destruction comics, Etho goes for Xisuma first… Etho having memory flashbacks of Last Life. If anything is particularly confusing feel free to ask more questions! But it’s kinda nice to be able to write out how I’ve logic’d out all of this happening in my head hehe (i plan on posting the DBHC Etho playlist soon with a brief explanation of each song in Etho’s timeline, so hopefully that will help too!) :]

#ask #dbhc #dbhc ask #coracyshard #dbhc etho #dbhc xisuma #dbhc doc #destruction #dbhc theories

[born-in-hell]

Ive been seeing lots of opinions on the QSMP admin situation here, after both Dapper and Pomme resigned and Quackity's statement, and i feel like some things should be said:

Firstly, yes, the abusive higher ups are to blame, immensely. But Quackity, as the CEO, is not free of responsibility. Not being involved, at all, with such an immense project, as the head of it all, is honestly so insane.

(I genuinely believed he didn't participate on the QSMP as a player because he worked so much behind the scenes, and it's unbelievable to me how he lied to us all.)

We must remember this is his project. With his name. He won awards and recognition worldwide because of it. He has so much to lose with all this situation. Money, reputation, friends.

Lets remember the admins have nothing to lose, at this point. They have no reason to cover things up or lie, unlike the Quackity Studios higher up team.

Now, about the statement he made last night.

The "legal reasons" — despite being a coherent explanation for not telling us, the audience, anything — arent an excuse for completely ghosting his employees. In fact, communicating actively with the people that work for him, could avoid him a lawsuit.

The leaks are not an excuse for not communicating w his employees. Keep in mind, Léa only came out because of the lack of communication. If Quackity had dealt with this stuff internally — as he should've done — Léa wouldn't have gone public in the first place.

Grouping all these people — the exploited and tired workers and the disappointed fans — into mere "haters" and saying they all just want the project to fail and to ruin Quackity's image is a really bad faith statement. Either he does not understand the situation (which is, imo, still really bad for him as the owner and CEO) or he just wants to discredit every and all criticism.

I can bet u every single admin in there put their heart and soul into the project. Their 2023 was defined by the project. They withstood way too much just so the project and Quackity's image would be protected, that's why we never heard about any of the exploitative conditions they worked under until Léa came out.

Most — if not all — of the admins signed up bc they love the QSMP, and wanted to help make it the best it could be.

But everyone has a limit. And this was theirs.

This might not be the end of the QSMP. But how will it hold up to what it was, without the eggs, the fun NPCs, the french, and Bad? I dont know.

About the Union:

Not emailing Quackity and waiting for him to contact them is certainly one of the decisions ever made. I don't quite understand the logic behind it, to be honest. It's not illegal, as far as i know, and i don't know how common that is, despite believing it's not very.

And i don't believe we should hold Quackity entirely responsible for not talking to them. Although, someone, like Aypierre, or Bad, or Antoine, or anyone else that has access to him and knows about the Union's involvement, must've told him.

Or not, we don't know.

And about the statement being public, i believe it was intentional. It's a public threat to him. They don't merely want to sue Quackity Studios, they want us, the fans, to know why they want to sue and that they are going to sue if they can't reach an agreement.

They are mobilizing the audience.

If that's a good move or not, judge it yourself.

I just believe not holding Quackity accountable for his decisions, as the owner of the company is wrong. And holding him accountable is not the same as hating the project.

#qsmp #qadmin situation #qsmp situation #quackity

[lowkeyrobin]

Hi!! 🍄 again I was wondering if I could get a platonic newt x reader (from tmr) where maybe it’s while newt is still new to his limp and reader is helping him do Is jobs

(Also just to let you know if you didn’t newt from tmr is canonically gay (as stated by the author ) I just wanted to let you know so you didn’t write him with a fem reader btw I didn’t relizie how rude this sounds not trying to be rude just and fyi also sorry if you did know just a lot of fans didn’t )

Thank you once again sorry if it seemed rude

ooooo okay I like this! ; also I know, don't worry, and you didn't sound rude! i do see newt as a queer character 100 and I always have, even before learning about James dashners tweet about it, which I find sketchy bc I'm pretty sure he tweeted that after being accused of being weird to women or smthn?? idrk, doesn't matter here bc gn readers only + I wholeheartedly see newt as queer and I can rant ab it for hours ; I don't plan on writing for tmr much but pls send requests, I love writing for this fandom lol

NEWT ; personal aid

summary ; youre helping him after he gained his limp

warnings ; language, talk of/about suicide and mental health

genre ; platonic fluff, kinda angst

word count ; 1k

masterlist

Newt was recently injured in the maze. He'd been as fixed up as possible, given a brace made of tree branches and some painkillers sent from the box. At least no one was using the pills for bad, considering they're a fragile item to give to a bunch of teenagers. The only thing you'd ever thank WCKD for was those painkillers, because seeing the blonde hurt like that killed you inside.

To put it as blankly as possible, he tried to kill himself. He climbed his way up of one of the walls surrounding the glade using the ivy that grew on it, and jumped. He fell about thirty feet, considering he only climbed up the wall about a third of the way, apparently thinking thirty feet would kill him.

He'd never been the type to express happiness within the glade, but he never expressed the opposite either.

But, everyone struggles inside, especially in the Glade. Reoccurring dreams and nightmares, unanswered questions, the will to live dwindling down each and every day, they only fed into the growing depression. Everyone was struggling in the Glade, but Newt, he took the first place trophy for that.

Once he'd been able to walk around again, you took helping him into your own hands. He was clearly never running in the maze again, due to the limp that slowed him down. So, he had a few options, hopefully one he'd like.

Alby took pity in him, making him his right hand man not long after. He needed someone around for when he wasn't, Newt was a good choice for that. He was responsible, good at directions, and keeping order.

You were working as Newt's personal aid, being a medic. You were very much an empath, and your true goal was to just help anyone and everyone. You brought him food and water, washed his clothes, sewed up his ripped up clothes from that day in case he'd be strong enough to wear them again, you did everything for him.

But now he leans into you, looking up at you with a certain displeasure, clearly uninterested in working outside of the maze.

You obviously were never going to let him be a builder, that was already off the table. But he got to look around and make his decision between slicer, cook, track-hoe, med-jack like you, slopper, bagger, and map keeper.

He easily put his money down on track-hoe. Something you didn't know about him was that he found gardening therapeutic. You didn't blame him whatsoever, you never wanted to be in the shoes of the sloppers, slicers, or baggers. To be fair, it was a little too gruesome and gross for you, you'd rather be helping people around the Glade than washing everyone's clothes or killing the animals, just a personal opinion.

He needed help while working, though. He couldn't put too much weight on his one foot, and he couldn't bend down on that knee at all yet. So, while he worked, you stood off to the side, making sure he was alright while you watched the others work around the Glade, enjoying their peaceful, warm day.

While he was picking fruit and vegetables off the vines of ivory, you were by his side, either holding the basket or getting the ones he couldn't bend down to reach. You couldn't help but feel bad for his poor spine as well, considering your back started to hurt after a few hours. The gardens were pretty large, considering there was about thirty or forty boys in the Glade to feed, meaning there was always hours and hours of work or expansion to do.

"Y/n, sorry, can you help me?" The dirty blonde asks, groaning as he stands back up, holding a hand on his knee. "I can't get those tomatoes at the bottom"

You quickly nod, kneeling down to grab them for him while he moves to the next bush, plucking off all the ripe tomatoes off the vine. You retie a string around the support branches, which heald the bush together and let it grow vertically rather than horizontally and try and choke out and kill any other plants nearby.

"Fry is gonna love it when he sees these tomatoes, they're the biggest and ripest they've been in a long time" You comment, looking over at Newt.

He nods, tossing a cherry tomato in his mouth to amount to a little snack. "He sure is, we'll be eating good this week" He chuckles with a little smile. "You wanna work on the cucumbers for me? I'll get the corn" He suggests, wanting to work a bit quicker and suggest some things he could actually do without feeling a pain shoot through his leg.

You nod, taking a new basket over to the cucumber lane. You feel something pang in your heart as you see him attempt to kneel down on one foot to reach one last tomato, groaning and furrowing his brows in the process, clearly still hurting him.

"How are you feeling? Physically and mentally, nothing is off the table."

Newt shrugs, watching you examine and touch around the bruising and his ankle. Your fingertips slide over his ankle a little harshly, and he quickly inhales and furrows his brows, which you respond to by quickly pulling your hands away and apologizing.

"On a light note, it looks much better than before already. How are you doing in a mental sense?"

"I hate this bloody place, I feel dumb for not climbing higher-" He strays silent, watching you wrap a fresh bandage around his ankle. "Sorry..."

"It's okay. I'm here as your personal aid, Newt"

"That's the damn thing! I don't want you to waste your days on me. You have other important stuff to do, I don't want you to have to babysit me." The blonde expresses, watching you properly stand up.

"It's fine, really. You're still in a lot of pain, and I swear I'm not babysitting you. I'm just watching over you so it doesn't end up hurting more, alright?"

"Alright..."

#lowkeyrobin #the maze runner x reader #the maze runner #newt x reader #tmr newt #tmr x reader #tmr x gn reader #gender neutral reader #tmr thomas #tmr gally #tmr minho #thomas brodie sangster #thomas brodie sangster x reader #tmr newt x reader

[qcoded]

Small Analysis on Belos/Philip, and the many chances at Redemption he missed.

I think the reason why I loved the scene in Watching and Dreaming were The Collector hugged Belos while saying "I get it! You just need kindness and forgiveness, huh?" was because it encapsulated perfectly how many chances Belos didn't take to fucking redeem himself.

I think we all kinda know that if he was just self aware, and reflected on the shit he did for ONE damn second, maybe, just maybe he could have turned out way better than what ended up happening.

Analyzing his backstory and what we can decide actually happened with Caleb (mostly based on all the pictures that were released from Hollow Mind with additional ones), it's not like he was ever exempt from sympathy, don't get me wrong.

Can't really go into the reality that Caleb, being Philip's sole guardian, most likely abandoned him to go with Evelyn into the Boiling Isles (not with bad intentions but still) since THAT'S a whole 'nother can of worms, but like hey! It's fucking understandable, who wouldn't be hurt by that?

But at the same time, what Belos decided to do, it was all on his own accord.

It was all his own decisions tha he could have actually thought on but no! He was too stuck in his delusional beliefs.

Could have stopped anywhere. After he killed Caleb. After he was tricking and offing witches and demons. After the whole encounter with Luzura/Luz and Gertrude/Lilith. After the making of the Grimwalkers began. After instilling glyphs on witches.

There are probably more examples, but basically, Belos had so many damn chances.

But nope! Never took them.

And again, The Collector was so willing to forgive him, even after manipulating and using this kid for centuries on end. After all the horrific shit that Belos has done, there was still a sliver of hope for him to actually just think, 'What am I doing? '

Of course, that didn't happen. It was a 'Friendship is Magic, but gone wrong' and he attempted to kill The Collector once again.

You know what's the best part of this? That there's a scene that just adds onto what I'm saying perfectly.

Later on when Luz revived into the super cool form that is Titan!Luz, she ripped out Belos from the titan's curse. And when he reformed again, he turned into his Philip Wittebane look.

And he had the fucking audacity to blame that dark magic (presumably his curse) was the one who made him commit all those horrendous acts.

This would make pretty much be his very first, and only attempt towards redemption.

But the thing is, it's too late.

Belos threw out his very last chance at redemption with The Collector.

And now? He has nothing more but than to deal with the ultimate consequences that have been building up.

This is also why I'm not that mad that Belos wasn't shown to finally realize the severity of what he has done, or to feel all that built up guilt flow it.

It's because it shows amazingly how far up his ass he was in his beliefs that even when he was DYING, he was just too fucking stubborn.

The more ironic part, like I mentioned earlier, that 'dark magic' was pretty much just his curse. That I want to mention, is fucking SELF AFFLICTED. Belos was literally the one eating all those Palismen, which are the cause of the curse. He's quite literally blaming himself!

And even though he tried to claim that Luz somehow cured him, got quickly called out on his bullshit when the boiling rain revealed him to still be purely goop.

Till the last minute, he was trying to keep a facade that quite literally, crumbled.

TLDR; Belos ultimately gave up every chance to be a better person, and he pretty much got what was coming for him.

#the owl house #toh #emperor belos #belos toh #philip wittebane #philip toh #the collector #collector toh #luz noceda #luz toh #toh analysis #character analysis #technically? #oh god i have so many thoughts #but yeah #this is why i honestly love the ending #LIKE MF you have no one else to blame!!! #you literally indirectly blamed yourself #and gave up the chance to maybe be a better person #the collector was willing to forgive you #you fucking idiot #common white man L #Watching and dreaming #watching and dreaming spoilers

[athanasius-symposium-of-writings]

Could you do a moon knight imagine where you leave them because you think that they had more in common with layla and still want her, and you find out you’re pregnant (twins) but don’t tell them and one day (maybe the twins could be like 2 years old) steven sees you with your little boy that looks like you but somebody says goodbye and the little boy yells out lators gators! and you try to deny he’s their child but then your little girl (marceline) comes out and she looks EXACTLY like them and maybe marc comes out and is like “i have been looking everywhere for you, but it’s worth the wait because you gave me 2 whole new reasons to love you’ and maybe jake looks at the kids and he’s like “i’m in love, let’s have more” i know it’s all over the place but i think it’s such a nice little fic where it goes from angsty to loved up

Not my best work but definitely did my best! Hope you like

Marc appreciated how realistic you are, how grounded you can be, and how once a decision is made you follow it through. That is who you are: a doer and realist, which is often good but in this case it has turned against you.

The boys, two of three, blamed themselves for not driving out those thoughts of doubt… They could not risk you being put in danger, they would never forgive themselves if you had gotten hurt because of them.

It was a mistake to keep at arm's length when it came to his extracurricular activities. Worst is how bad it must have looked for him (Steven too) to be talking with Layla for long hours. They are friends nothing more, but you saw only two exes getting close… Rightfully.

Late hours coming home. Jake once came home smelling like another woman's perfume.

You did not shout nor cry. Marc would have preferred a reaction rather than a smile and wishing him good luck with his marriage before leaving the flat. It was horrible! Steven was fronting trying to get you to listen to an outlandish but true story and how Lalya is just a friend.

"It's okay. Take care of her." You meant it too.

That was probably two to three years ago.

One of the worst three years of his life. You disconnect yourself from his life completely, you probably thought it was for the best so Marc and Steven could focus on Layla rather than an ex.

It hurt.

It hurt you a lot more when you found out you were pregnant two weeks after the breakup. God, you practiced over and over what to say and how to approach him but… You never did it. You took yourself by bootstraps and moved on, priorities shifted, you are going to be mom and make it fucking work!

And you did.

It was a learning process, a few stumbles, and a lot of humility; but you did it.

Two healthy kids. Twins, a boy and a girl.

You cannot believe the boys and you made such beautiful little humans.

Yeah, it was rough dealing with the heartbreak especially with how wacky hormones are during and after pregnancy. Still, you knew better not to wallow for now these little humans need every ounce of your attention and love.

The boy is named David, meaning beloved in Hebrew. He is a happy boy, quiet and prefers to watch others before attempting to interact. Reminds you of how you met Jake, he watched you and tried to learn about you interacting.

The girl is named by Marceline, meaning young warrior because of its relation to Marcellus, a Roman name. She is a ball of energy! Always trying to get into things she is not supposed to (like the tin of cookies your mother brings during the holidays), to asking a thousand questions to every answer to try to give. She likes to watch history documentaries (you used them to try to get them to sleep but she watches intensely).

Her brother is always close to her, she is always close to her brother; neither from the other. Nor ever far from you.

Today you took them to the park on a warm spring day. Soon it will be their fourth birthday and since your parents are planning the party (you know they are going all out on this as usual) you have time with them to enjoy some quality time.

You forgot this park is where Steven once took you for a picnic, the very thing you are doing right now. Watching your children play with the other children in this open part.

David comes over holding a flower he found, "For mama!" Proud of himself as you thank him and place a kiss on his sweaty forehead. "Later gators!" He has been obsessed with saying that after seeing it once on a kids' show. Steven used to say that.

"(Name)?"

You jump when you hear a familiar voice.

"Huh?" Standing up then turning to see… "Steven?"

"Stewn" Your son had not left to go back to playing when Steven showed up.

Steven looks over to see a shy boy hiding behind your leg, your son waves when you whisper he can say hi to him, Steven returns the wave while in shock.

"You… Congratulations!" You cringe for him on how pitched up that sounds, "He looks cute, just like his mother."

You both laugh awkwardly.

"Yeah, um."

"Who's the father?" The American accent causes you to look at the man in front of you again, you had not realized you were looking away.

"Marc." You take a deep breath before looking at your son, "Go play, mama has to talk to an old friend, kay?"

"Okay. Later gators!" Running off to play.

"He…" Marc is staring at your son, "Looks like you."

"I hope so, I put a lot of work in for nine months." You smile small, "How are you, Marc?"

"Can you tell me his name?"

You tense up. You do not want to tell him because you named your son David with Marc in mind.

"Sorry." He apologizes when he sees you doing your little tell when you get nervous.

"Mama! I'm Godzilla, rawr!" Bumping her small head against the back of her calves. "Rawr!"

"Hah, sorry, kids." When you turn and kneel down to speak with Marceline. It was like looking in a mirror, sort of, she has his baby face but your eyes. The boy had his eyes but your face.

"Bye mister! I'll eat your house later."

"Marcy, be nice. Haha, kids I'm I right–"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Shit. You sigh heavily. Marceline looked so much like Marc, that is undeniable.

"... You have Layla, Marc. I didn't… Want you to feel obligated to stay with me."

"Layla is my- our friend, nothing more." He looks hurt.

Bitter and jealous of Marc's wife though you know you really should not be, "You always were with her. Miss dates and coming home late." The list goes on and Marc, Steven, and Jake know it looked bad. "Listen, there's no hard feelings so–"

"I love you."

You flinch at those words, "Marc…"

"We love you."

You swear you will not cry. Not here nor around your kids.

"When you left… God, we wanted to explain everything, but you left! I've been looking all over for you—"

You give him a worried look.

"Not like that."

You chuckle at how embarrassed he looks, "Go on."

He does, for a long while talking and explaining everything that happened. Sitting down listening to them while keeping an eye on the kids, they never see this side of you nor did they ever think about it. With the trauma of his childhood… He fears messing up.

"Wow." Is all you can say. It sounds crazy, unbelievable level crazy; the only reason you can believe it is because there is often wild shit on the news about superheroes and crazy phenomenons. "So, you both really are friends… Damn, I really fucked up."

All those birthdays you thought about calling Marc or Steven, or maybe Jake to include them in the children's lives. The number of times you stopped yourself not wanting to be a house wrecker.

"Love," Steven holds your hand as your lip trembles, "Don't blame yourself." You lean towards his hand that cradles your face, sighing at warmth you missed for four years.

Yes, four whole long years, Steven and you kept a better track of time.

"I missed you so so much." Confessing, "I'm sorry. Truly sorry."

"Shh," You hug him, squeeze him close as you cry softly into his shoulder. "Hey, the brightside: we made those!" Steven is ecstatic about kids!

"A piece of you," Pulling back to pretend to grab a piece of you, "And a piece of us." Then gestures to himself, "Amazing."

You laugh, "Yeah, though I did the heavy work." Teasing.

"Let's make more," You jump when Jake kisses your neck, "Carñio."

"Not in front of the kids!" Playfully hitting Jake's chest.

God, you miss them all.

#marc spector x you #marc spector x reader #steven grant x you #steven grant x reader #jake lockley x reader #jake lockley x you #reader insert #and the bird goes tweet tweet #asks #request

[totallyradicalmucky]

This is me giving you permission to talk about your SuperChargers AU!! Literally just anything about it!! I love seeing people’s different takes on what a Kaos redemption arc would look like. I still get so sad when I think about how Kaos just goes back to being evil in Imaginators. Like man c’mon. We could’ve had it all.

The power you’ve given me..unreal. But I think about a Kaos redemption arc pretty often since multiple people on here have talked about Kaos’s childhood and stuff like that.

Which is why I think in this Superchargers AU, instead of fighting Kaos before the darkness. You’d fight his mom.

I didn’t bring it up in this. But I wanted to talk about how maybe after Kaos’s button scene with the darkness. Kaos is still not entirely faithful to him, which means that the Darkness can’t get entirely in his head. To get everything he wants from him, for the absolute destruction of Skylands. Without that, Kaos is practically useless, not truely a devoted Kaos Clan member. Unlike his mother. Who at this point I believe the darkness could use as a manipulative way to get Kaos to do things for him and a threat, but only now sees her as a way to progress in his own plans.

The Darkness brings Kaossandra out of her prison, her devotion to the dark is far stronger than the absolute lack of affection she’d ever felt for her family. Taking away Kaos’s head-thing, they leave him with only the most weakest of magical powers on some random isle for him to hopefully die. You (The skylander) find him awkwardly standing there in his torn emperor robes, beaten up, and swearing to the ancients he hasn’t cried.

He doesn’t really have any other options other than to go with you, but he isn’t seen anywhere. Opting to stay inside the airship for a long while. Paranoid about the looming chance of the world ending at any minute, and the fact that it’s all his fault, missing Glumshanks. Flynn mentions him now and again, talking about how he’s feeling and not really eating. Cali doesn’t trust him, blaming him for their problems but she can’t help but feel a little bad. Hugo continues to assist with the next mission, fearing Kaos’s presence, but is curious about the lack of his usual ‘mark of darkness’.

Over the long run, which I mean Kaos being dragged along every trip and having to help Flynn and Cali unload and reload the airship with things. He warms up just a bit, standing in the overworld. Never-not next to one of the two, as the citizens still distrust him. (And he’s not good at being normally social on his own, not a fan of small talk) He’s still strange and egotistical, but less- evil. Kaos finds it strange that he can still preform magic without the mark of darkness, frustratingly weaker than before-but still magic. He often “steals” spell books from the archive, much to Hugo’s minor inconvenience. Since he always announces when he’s taking one.

I don’t really know how the ending would go specifically. But I know that Kaos would be furious, fed up with the endless manipulation from both his mother and The Darkness. Using familiar voices and faces to try and get him back on their side, he just can’t take it. Trapping his own mother inside the rift engine, the Darkness laughs believing that it’s tricked itself into being free forever.

[que epic fight sequence for Kaos and the Skylander that I’m too lazy to describe]

Being knocked out of the darkness’s rift thing from the very end of superchargers- the Skylander is fine. Having the portal master’s power to help them. But Kaos is scarred. Once again landing on the isle below, his arms and back, inky black with…whatever it is. As if to silently let him know that the darkness would be coming back. He doesn’t rlly care though, just staring at his hands. Taking in every decision he’s made this far, he almost regrets it, thinking about his mother. Until the voices of Cali and the others finally snap him out of it, with Flynn’s coat being draped over him. He didn’t even notice how destroyed he had become. Damn. Wait…does this mean he has to relearn magic again?

#mucktalk #skylanders #kaos skylanders #long post #skylanders superchargers #Kaos #erm… kinda cringe but idk #I’m a bit crazy #i really wrote 5 paragraphs about skylanders #nobody reading this #i’m so sorry #skylander #au talk #skylanders au

[ho5hiscloud]

TEMPTED | WATANABE HARUTO

summary: you have known haruto for as long as you can remember. you have shared a bed with him a handful of times as well. however, this sleepover takes an unexpected turn.

genre: haruto x gn reader, best friends to lovers, fluff

warnings: some explicit language, mentions of making out

word count: 0.7 k

a/n: the ending is kinda rushed???! still hope you like it tho! also i just wrecked my self with this fic oh my

“You have three seconds to give me the remote before i kick you in the balls.”

Watanabe Haruto had always been such a pain in the ass. Ever since you two became friends — if your memory isn’t lacking, it was a Friday morning in kindergarten — there was not a single moment in which he didn’t purposely annoy you.

But that’s your Haruto , the Haruto that you eventually learned to love. Through all the times you two bickered over the smallest things, or these nights that made you swear you would never put up with his dumb ass again , you had gotten so used to being Haruto’s best friend, that you couldn’t bring yourself to imagine your life without him. Cliche.

“That’s your best threat?” the boy besides you giggled, before turning his gaze to the tv once again. “I’ll pass.”

You sighed internally, accepting that Haruto wouldn’t give you the remote no matter what. You had to deal with the extremely loud football match for another thirty minutes or so – at this point, you would rather jump off a ten story window.

“Whatever, i’m going to sleep.”

It was not the first time that you and Haruto shared a bed. Actually, the fingers on your hands were not enough to count the times you two had slept together, with Haruto often rolling on top of you or your legs getting tangled with his own as you struggled to get comfortable under the sheets - which almost always resulted in the both of you arguing mid-sleep.

But Haruto had zero regrets . Honestly, it felt rather good to have someone to cuddle after a long day, let alone that someone being you.

And you lowkey felt the same , no matter how much you complained the next day, blaming Haruto for your sore state. Except that in your case, you were way too stubborn to admit so.

“Hey, watch out!” Haruto groaned as you almost stomped over him, trying to reach your side of the bed. “You’ll turn the tv off!”

“Let me do that again.” you started rolling flat on your back, hoping that you would bump on the remote and ‘accidentally’ turn the annoying programme off - until Haruto placed his hands on your waist, trying to keep you steady.

“You’re so childish.”

“Right, says who.” you mimicked the boy, as you attempted to wiggle away.

But it was no use. Haruto was practically much stronger than you, meaning that he could easily pin you down and hold you completely still if he wanted to – something that he eventually did.

“Let’s see how you’ll escape now.” Haruto mumbled, his hands having a tight grip on your wrists, while his knees were placed on each side of your torso.

Suddenly, you didn’t really mind the match anymore. The only thing you could think about was if Haruto had always been so attractive.

Was his shirt always that tight, defining his toned mucles? Was his hair always falling on his face this smoothly, subtly hiding his eyes? Or were his lips always this plump, like they were asking for you to kiss them?

“Speak your mind.” Haruto murmured, seeing you zone out for a moment.

“Oh- it’s nothing.” you gulped, trying to avoid his gaze.

“You don’t play fair. We’re supposed to tell each other everything that goes through our minds.”

This fucker.

“But-“

“Come on, how bad can it be?”

“You know that thing they say? That real best friends have kissed at least once?”

As you saw Haruto nodding, you had already regretted every single one of your life decisions.

“We have never done that.” you added.

Haruto couldn’t help but chuckle – making your heart skip a beat. “Do you want to try it?” he whispered.

“I don’t know. Do you?” you asked, part of you hoping for a positive answer.

The boy locked eyes with you for what felt like an eternity,before finally answering. “You tell me.”

“Kiss me then.”

Haruto leaned in closer and closer, until your lips touched. At first, neither of you moved , trying to get adjusted to this new sensation, but it didn’t take long for this simple peck to envolve into a much more passionate kiss – a kiss that made you both give into the temptation you were trying so long to avoid.

When you pulled away to catch your breath, Haruto just stood there , glaring at you, his hands never letting go of your own. “What’s the matter?”

“We should have tried this way sooner.”

#treasure #treasure drabbles #treasure imagines #watanabe haruto #haruto #haruto drabbles #haruto imagines #haruto fluff #treasure fluff #kpop fluff #kpop imagines #kpop drabbles

[ruins-and-rewritez]

DAY 8: KNIFE WIFE: Kanej

Sometimes it's hard to know whether the skills that you've adapted to survive are something to be proud of or not. If they've allowed you to keep going shouldn't they be seen as a badge of honor rather than a mark of shame.

Inej often walks that delicate balance between the two never able to decide which side to fall to if she'd ever lost her footing. The choice will be made later, after she's had enough time to make a proper decision, but for now she lets her newfound skills shine.

Her family can't seem to believe that these abilities she's gained with a knife are real and not some sort of trick. As performers they all know quite well that seeing and believing are two very different things.

Inej hits the target, marked on the trunk of a tree, again and again. One blade after another, slice into the bullseye, until the bark in the center has all been chipped away, and her collection falls to the ground with a clang.

Her parents, cousins, the whole family, take a collective pause before bursting into applause. Her uncle (a former knife thrower) gives her a pat on the back for her dexterity. Her cousin Miri asks with bright eyes if she can teach her how to do that (at 8 years old Inej is inclined to say no).

Everyone appears to take this new talent of hers in stride not questioning the reasons behind it or where it was learned and refined. The adults not wanting to turn the conversation to something unpleasant and untouchable, and the children only knowing the Inej was 'away' and not the circumstances that led to her being gone for so long.

Inej knows that the story is probably something they'd want to know, they don't refrain from letting her talk about her trauma but they don't ask either (save simple 'how are you' interactions). Inej can't blame them, she doesn't, they're there when she needs them but they still don't try to force it, it's something she has grown to appreciate, especially on the rarer growing bad days.

They might not ask for the story, but she can't help but watch it replay in her mind with every throw.

Kaz's dark attic room, an over cast sky, training dummies on the far end, bright splotches of red where their hearts would be.

"If you're going to make yourself useful to me, you need to be able to protect yourself when the time comes."

When he first pressed the handle into her palm she flinched, steeled herself, and tried to focus.

"Think as though its and extension of yourself."

Inej grips it better, making it comfortable in her hold, he doesn't correct her, so it must be sufficent.

"Put the weight behind it when you release."

He circles behind her to correct her stance, fear rises in her throat, being unable to see him, but she's the one holding the knife, and that helps.

"Bend your wrist. Like this."

He stands besides her, curling his own small blade toward his arm. She doesn't know whether him not touching her is for Inej or himself, but a small part of her is grateful.

"Dominant leg first."

She follows.

"Sight the target. Breath in. Pull back. Throw. Out."

She watches his every move filing it away, catalouging it, memorizing. It hits the target, a little right of the center.

"Now you."

His instructions are meager, straight to the point, and somehow, all she needs. She visualizes and follows through. She hits the target almost dead on.

Kaz seems relieved at this, or maybe angry, she can't read his expressions, not yet anyway. But the practice continues, and for the most of it she is near perfect. A natural.

He eyes her as their session ends, calculating something in those cold eyes of his.

"No doubt you'll be deadly with a knife. Wraith."

And no doubt, she is.

#six of crows duology #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #kanej #six of crows #crowtober2023 #day 8: knifewife #ficlet #i cant draw so have a drabble instead #rarzo #ruinwrites

[jinlias]

matilda — ryujin

— this is long. it might be triggering for some readers, yet comforting for others. it’s just some self indulging.

— i don’t know exactly what i should warn you about, just unsupportive and mentally abusive family members. in general, but yes, implied homophobia.

nothing ‘bout the way you were treated ever seemed specially alarming till now

ryujin had always tried to stay out of it. to not meddle in issues involving you and a family that didn’t even like her. she was always there for you when they let you down though. over and over, she was your shoulder to cry on. ryujin made sure even if you never asked that she fixed what they broke. she tried so hard to prove to you that you didn’t need them, but she couldn’t blame you for always wanting to give them another chance.

“get out” the two of you stared blankly at her

“but- mom-“

“please just leave. i won’t have a lesbian for a daughter”

matilda you talk of the pain like it’s all alright

technically, this was the first time she ever experienced it with you. she had only heard tales from you, in which you tried to invalidate your feelings many times. saying it was fine they acted this way, or that you understood where they were coming from. but she never gave her opinion, she just listened and supported you through all of it.

even that night. just on the ride home ryujin held your hands with one while the other controlled the steering wheel. she took glances at you every now and then whether at a red light or an empty road, but all she saw was your hair covering your face that was intentionally staring outside. it was a long trip, from your shared apartment to your hometown, and it broke her heart to see you now compared to this morning. you were so excited, so hopeful, you sang all of the songs on your road trip playlist and would keep telling her stories about every place you passed. but now, now she could hear the sobs you tried to hide and could feel when one of your hands would leave hers to wipe your face.

you showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days

the second time is on a tuesday afternoon. she comes from work to find you, staring at a blank spot while deep in thought.

“hi” she whispers, sitting beside you on the sofa and rubbing her hand on your back. “everything okay?”

you melt into her frame, leaning your head on her shoulder in comfortable silence. “my dad called” you speak after a few minutes.

“oh” ryujin allows you the time you needed to continue

“he wants to meet for coffee” finally, you look up at her, who’s already searching for your eyes.

“are you going?” she asks, cautiously

“i think so” you shrug “maybe this time can be different”

“okay” after your previous partners, or just friends who were honestly trying to help, just not in the right ways, her reply caught you by surprise.

“really?” you whisper “you’re not gonna yell at me at how bad of a decision this is?”

“it’s your decision” she purses her lips “i’ll support you regardless of what it is.”

“i’ll even drive you” it immediately brings a smile to your lips, and it spreads to hers when you nod enthusiastically as you wrapped your arms around her tightly.

but she can’t say she’s surprised when (a lot earlier than expected) you come speed walking to the passenger seat. she looks at you for a few seconds, a loving and concerned expression on her face. but the shake of your head was enough for her to start driving home.

you can throw a party full of everyone you know, not invite your family ‘cause they never showed you love

“is it bad that i don’t want to invite my family?” your voice is small, somehow afraid of being judged, and when she looks up at you, your eyes are already watery.

“hey, no. not at all” ryujin places the guest list draft on the table and scoots closer to you on your sofa, wrapping her arms around your body “i know it hurts, but they wouldn’t be happy for us. happy for you.”

you look around your living room, the decoration samples looking so heavy when you’re reminded your mom won’t help you pick out a dress like she did for your sisters. that your dad wouldn’t give you away to ryujin and that him and your mother wouldn’t want to be with you on the happiest day of your life.

it’s none of my business but it’s just been on my mind

it got to a point where she felt useless. she didn’t want to meddle, it’s doesn’t involve her and she really wants to support you and be there for you. but it hurts her so much to see you hurting like this. it hurts her so much to see them take such advantage of one of the reasons she fell in love with you.

she will never tell you, but ryujin cried so many times because of your family. sometimes when she was home alone and you were out, with your friends or by yourself, trying to distract your mind from those binded to you by a last name. she cried to her mom, who felt her pain and yours, who tried her best to make you feel welcomed and loved at home, but knew that nothing could ever replace your mother’s love. she even cried about it to your shared friends, who tried their best to reassure her that it wasn’t either of your faults, who listened to her and made sure she knew how supported the two of you were by them.

i know they won’t hurt you anymore as long as you can let them go.

“i think..” she starts, looking up from your hands to your face “i think it’s time you forgive them, let them go.”

ryujin watches you sigh and sniffle, her heart still breaks when you cry for them, after so many years, and she can only blame herself for the many nights you cried alone before her. “and by that i mean, cutting off any sort of contact with them.”

“i know it’s a difficult decision..” your wife squeezes your hands “but u can’t keep enabling this never ending cycle.”

“i won’t keep allowing them to break you over and over again just because you love them too much and believe they can change” she looks for your eyes “and it is not, and will never be your fault that they didn’t know how to value you.”

you can let it go, you can throw a party full of everyone you know. you can start a family who will always show you love. you don’t have to be sorry for doing it on your own.

“i knew it!! i won!!” chaeryeong jumps excitedly when the confetti canons spill blue pieces of paper over the two of you, ryujin and you embracing each other instantly with tears gathering in your eyes. you had a family of your own. ryujin, her family, your friends, and now a baby boy who would be unconditionally loved and supported by all of you.

you can let it go, you can throw a party full of everyone you know. you can start a family who will always show you love. you don’t have to be sorry, no.

#sorry #itzy x reader #ryujin imagine #ryujin x you #itzy imagine #itzy imagines #itzy x you #ryujin imagines #ryujin fluff #ryujin angst #itzy fluff #itzy angst #jinlias blurbs #song fic

[writingtohealmytrauma]

5/4/24

she left me 2 months ago and the pain is still so real and unbearable. 8 years of our life gone, she is now a stranger we dont talk, i want to talk so bad but she wants to move on and asked us not to message i want to talk to her everyday but i need to respect her decision's she still hasnt blocked me and i cant bring myself to block her number, not that it would do any good as i know her number off by heart, i managed to get the strength to archive our conversations so im not constantly seeing her name and our life everytime i message someone, i had been messaging her out of desperation and longing for connection with her and i can see by the read reciepts that she is seeing my message but choosing not to respond and it just hurts so much that this is clearly what she really wants and she is trying her hardest to get over me and us.

she tells me "We pushed it as far as we could" in reality she pushed it as far as she wanted. she tells me that she wants to have a family and she doesnt see a future with us after 8 years so she needs to leave me and find someone else to have a family with. she's 26 and wants to have kids before 30? so she cant waste any more time with us. i spent my life serving her, but it wasnt enough. i gave her everything. i literally made her breakfast and dinner every day for 3 years to prove my love to her, i flew her business class around the world i showed her a life she never dreamed off. i was there every day when she got home waiting to hear about her day, i ALWAYS made and had time for her always. she was my purpose i lived to serve her. all i ever wanted was to marry her, everyone use to have a go at me saying "why dont you marry her?" "hurry up and put a ring on her finger" like i was the problem? she was the one that would never commit. all i wanted was a family and life with her. I know her past trauma's have played a huge part in all of this, she come from a very broken family and has carried alot of trauma her whole life that she refused to deal with and that leaked into our relationship in so many ways. i truly believe if she had of dealt with her passed issues we would stil be here. she was not the only one to blame i also brought issues to the table but i have worked and turned myself out inside as a person to try and fix/overcome these and i feel i really did. she had an avoidance schema which was a real issue she would always run and shut off from us whenever things were hard, my mind is constantly telling me she was overwhelmed and her avoidance schema kicked in and thats why she ended it as there was no good reason to end it, weeks before she ended it she was telling me that she was finallly ready to get engaged after 8 years?? im so confused? I worry that she has realised this was an overreaction to a minor problem but her pride is stopping her from saying hey this is blown out of proportion can we try and fix this?? i would come running! i'd lay my life down to fix this, what ever it took whatever love she needed it is hers. I worry by the time she comes to this conclusion i will have moved on, not because i wanted to but because the pain is to great and i dont want to take my own life from grief. does one ever truly move on? will i still think about her in years too come? there is that weird sense of hope that we will get back together but i cant hold onto that. when we first started dating she saw a psychic (I dont believe in that stuff) but he told her that she was going to meet her partner and they would be together for life like penguins and that she would have twins with them. over the years i truly believed that and i made that a promise to myself that she was my penguin and that we would be together forever and have twins and i held onto that promise for so long, that promise got me through the hardest time in our relationship and now i feel its been broken it makes me sick to think that im not her penguin and some other man might be? she will have twins and a family with another man? makes me want to curl up and die.

It hurts so much that she wants to move on she couldnt do it anymore 8 years, meant nothing i know she wasnt in it for a long time i just kept pushing and pushing and exhuasting myself trying to fix it, i knew in the back of my mind that it was over a long time ago and that we wouldnt work in the future. she was my best friend though and the only family ive ever had all i wanted was to serve her and love her but there was always this twisted gut feeling in my stomach everytime i thought about our future, not from fear just uncertainty. we broke up once before for a short period of time and she bought someone back to our house within a couple days of us breaking up my mind reels at the thoughts of who she is with now who she is seeing.

**DREAM

I had a dream last night that we met up and i asked had she been with anyone else i asked her and i wanted her to say yes so i could hate her and move forwards in my dream she told me after a week of us separating that she had been sleeping with someone else she began to describe the sexual encounter to me with such joy saying it was hot and sweaty and that they didn't use protection and i remember feeling such a sense of a rage and sadness and sickness all at once in my dream, the though of her with another man made my sick. **DREAM

i woke up and i felt relieved as my mind was still telling me that was a real conversation and i hated her and could let her go and after properly waking up and realising it was a dream i cant shake the feeling the thoughts of that dream and what it meant to me. now i feel like i need to know if she is sleeping with other people so i can move on? WHY IS MY MIND ATTACKING ME LIKE THIS? i want to know that she is with other people so i can hate her so i can detach as i feel thats the only way i can move forward but at the same time i dont want to know either. i have no interest in other women right now, i dont think i ever will. i gave her every part of my heart and soul. ive only ever slept with 2 people in my life and have no interest in sleeping around being with other people, the thought makes me feel sick.

everytime i see anything slightly sexual it reminds me of her it makes me feel sick to my guts as to who she is with. i was her first and she was my second and to be intimate almost every day with the same person for 8 years is so special. i think its a mix of jealousy and fear fear because i know what other men are like and what they are capable and that she has not been exposed to how feral men can be and jealousy because what if she finds someone better than me? what if they pleasure her better or love her more. what if she is more attracted to them then me? she said to me that she still loves me and thats not that she doesnt want me she just doesnt think we have a future?? which is so insanely confusing cause how can you love and want someone but not be willing to commit to marriage and life together and risk going out into the world and hoping you find the connect you had with someone else.

she was my bestfriend, all i wanted was to be around her and in her presence and i think that makes this all so much harder for me. i feel like im one of those people that is always surrounded by people but feel so alone always. she took away the loneliness made me feel complete and normal maybe it was bad that i needed her to make me feel that way, maybe i should learn to feel that way before getting into another relationship. thats what everyone tells you to do. but does anyone actually truly do that? does anyone ever wait untill they are complete and feel whole before getting into another relationsip? i feel like if you were complete and happy being alone you would never get into a relationship at all so i feel like that kind of advice is a lie? what else would compel you to be in a relationship if you have learnt to be happy alone, i understand women having a biological clock and im led to beleive that some women have overwhelming maternal instincts and the need to have children but as a some what succesful male, if i learn to be happy aloen and enjoy my own company? why would i want to get into a relationship what would be the driving force behind that? so i think that type of thinking is a lie and fanciful.

i feel scared to go back home, i know i need to though. i left the state i live in to go stay with my cousins for a wgile to try and clear my head i dont know if it has helped our made things worse? im genuinely not sure.

im so scared of running into her, im so scared of running into her with another man. i dont know how to deal with these feelings of fear and jealousy. i just love her so much and my heart screams for her day in an day out.

even writing this now i feel sick at the thought the she is talking to somoene else and flirting with them and doing sexual things with them.

i think the hardest thing for me to grasp is her being sexually intimate with someone else. that seems to be the trigger for me to spiral and feel sick.

my psycologist told me that those are grief thoughts and to label them grief thoughts and that they will pass but they just make me sicker and sicker everytime i think of them.

im not eating, im not sleeping all i do is train. i feel so insecure and so scared i feel like ive aged so much in our relationship and that im ugly and un lovable so im just destroying my body to stay fit and become stronger than i am. i worry its becoming a mental ilnness almost a body dysphoria i hate myseld and everything about myself.

she was younger than me buy a couple of years and i know she is going to date someone younger than me and they will be fitter and stronger than me and it just hurts so much to think that.

i get angry cause i feel like she used me and robbed me of my life and my best years and that she never had any intention of seeing this through. she just used me as a vessel to get her setup in a career and financially.

#relationship #breakup #trauma #heartbreak #healing #self refle

[autisticlancemcclain]

full fic masterlist 2

most of these are over 1000 words, stand on their own, and are posted to ao3. any major warnings will be stated. apparently tumblr only allows 100 links per post, so here’s the second list. i imagine there will be more.

cleanse me with fire ‘cause I am the prodigal daughter ch 1 ch 2 [ao3]

an apple somewhere (in somebody’s eyes) [ao3]

your touch was a dream (your absence a nightmare) [ao3]

why does my heart cry (feelings i can’t fight) ch1 ch 2 [ao3]

how long will I need you? (as long as the seasons need to follow their plan) [ao3]

but you're tracin' every line of my tattoos (wastin' all our time in your bedroom) [ao3]

i found myself a cheerleader (always right there when i need ya) [ao3]

call up all our friends (go hard this weekend) [ao3]

does anyone know where the love of god goes (when the waves turn the minutes to hours) [ao3]

so wake me up when it’s all over (when i’m wiser and i’m older) [ao3]

i’d sell my own bones for sapphire stones (’cause blue is your favourite colour) [ao3]

the more that i push him away (the more that he’s stuck in my brain) [ao3]

sit with me (in the silence) [ao3]

you give me cause for love that i can’t hide (for you i know i’d even try to turn the tide) [ao3]

candy crush [ao3]

starboy [ao3]

though i may speak (some tongue of old) [ao3]

little shoes, little socks (please, kill me, i’m serious) [ao3]

i sit by myself (talking to the moon) [ao3]

that’s my best friend (if you need a freak) [ao3]

don’t you worry about the distance (i’m right there if you get lonely) [ao3]

cat and mouse for a month (or two or three) [ao3]

that’s what you get (for waking up in vegas) [ao3]

did i mention (that i’m in love with you) [ao3]

he’s told us not to blow it (’cause he knows it’s all worthwhile) [ao3]

romeo, romeo (wherefore art thou romeo) [ao3]

i know it’s pretty stupid (but i’m much too shy to tell him) [ao3]

i’m gonna buy you flowers (and hold your hands) [ao3]

when the working day is done (girls just wanna have fun) [ao3]

you break down my walls (with the strength of your love) [ao3]

you with the dark curls (you with the watercolour eyes) [ao3]

you’re from a whole ‘nother world (a different dimension) ch 1 ch 2 [ao3]

now will it matter (after i’m gone) ch 1 ch 2 [ao3]

pullin’ pigtails [ao3]

if the sky comes falling down (for you) there’s nothing in this world i wouldn’t do [ao3]

good luck charms [ao3]

taste test [ao3]

and if i may just take your breath away (i don’t mind if there’s not much to say) [ao3]

as the world (as my world) caves in [ao3]

you got my heart (you got my mind) ch 1 ch 2 [ao3]

it started with a whisper (and that was when i kissed ya) [ao3]

he was a skater boy (he said see you later boy) [ao3]

what’s the worst that i can say? (things are better if i stay) [ao3]

they’ve got the bad boy (on the run) [ao3]

ain’t no river wide enough (to keep me from getting to you, babe) ch 1 ch 2 [ao3]

we’ll play nintendo (thought i always lose) [ao3]

when does a ripple become a tidal wave (when does the reason become the blame) [ao3]

so, darling (save the last dance for me) [ao3]

shots of patron (and it’s on) [ao3]

you’re the most presumin’ dog (that a human could know)  ch 2 [ao3]

brought you to tears again (we are the very hurt you sold) [ao3]

summer dreams, ripped at the seams (but oh, those summer nights) [ao3]

let the stars keep you here (many decapheobes more) [ao3]

i’ve said too much (you promise i can’t ever say enough) [ao3]

how shall i win back your heart (which was mine) [ao3]

no one knows (how hard i tried) [ao3]

however big, however small (let me be part of it all) [ao3]

i know it’s only human nature (to survive) [ao3]

if we can count on you (scoubidou) [ao3]

but someday i’ll be perfect (and i’ll make up for it all) [ao3]

how can i help it (if i think you’re funny when you’re mad) [ao3]

at the same time i wanna hug you (i wanna wrap my hands around your neck) [ao3]

don’t leave me like this (i thought i had you figured out) [ao3]

made my decision (to test your limits) [ao3]

to ten million fireflies (i’m weird cause i hate goodbyes) [ao3]

and i’ll be lmho with the rest (’cause idk what’s coming next) [ao3]

maybe when i’m older it’ll all calm down (but it’s killin’ me now) [ao3]

i want your drama (the touch of your hand) [ao3]

by your side (i’ll be with you) [ao3]

so go on let the rain pour (i’ll be all you need and more) [ao3]

and the words are stuck in my throat (but you hear them anyway) [ao3]

i wanna dig in your heart (take away your hurting) [ao3]

and you know that i know (that i can’t live without you) [ao3]

hands gripping my collar (fingers twisted in my hair) [ao3]

tonight all the monsters gonna dance (we’re comin’ to get you) [ao3]

hey soul sister (i don’t want to miss ya) [ao3]

if you promise not to cry (i’ll tell you just what i would say) [ao3]

seeking faith and speaking words (i’d never thought i’d say) [ao3]

i should be playing in the winter snow (but i’ma be under the mistetoe) [ao3]

my ballerina (sway me side to side) [ao3]

if i say jump, you just say "how high?" i think you might love me to death pt 2 pt 3 [ao3]

you and me (and the kid makes three) [ao3]

[our-blood-is-our-ink]

27 with Agatha and whoever you want?

Thank you for sending this in, dear anon! I enjoyed writing for this prompt, it gave me the opportunity to write for an idea that's been bouncing around my head for months now.

✧—»•«—✧

"It aches, so deeply. I ache, so deeply. And when I'm with you, I don't. I feel whole. Complete." You fidget with your hands as you admit, "I feel your absence in everything that I do alone, in every place I go without you. I always have, ever since we met."

Agatha looks away from your eyes, as if it's painful to see how earnest and truthful you're being.

"I'm not good for you, buttercup." Her tone is flat, which means she's desperately trying to hide behind the mask that always seemed to be so flimsy when it's just the two of you. "I've changed. You've been gone for a long time."

"That wasn't my fault."

Agatha closes her eyes for a brief moment as she lets out a long breath. "I never said it was."

"Then why are punishing me for something I couldn't help? I never wanted to leave. I didn't get a choice when-"

"I know." A crack, finally. A weakness.

"Is that what this is about? Did you think that she sent me away from you for my own good?"

"Yes." Suddenly Agatha's eyes are boring into the depths of your soul, blue fire alight from within. "Why else would she have done that? She approved of us being together, goddess knows it's about the only thing she approved of when it came to me, and she didn't-" She breaks off, cuts herself short. "She didn't send you away until she realized I had been practicing dark magic." Agatha's voice is small, and in a single instant she seems to have shrunk, curling in on herself as if making herself smaller would protect her from things that have long since came to pass.

"She didn't just snap her fingers, Agatha." You say. "She made sure to go into excruciating detail about her reasoning behind her decision. How it's my fault, because I was supposed to encourage you to be a better person, to shun what came so naturally to you it was like denying you air when you tried to avoid it. How in actively giving you a safe space to find someone to love you, even if you practiced and became versed in the unthinkable, I condemned us both." You shake your head, a small, hysterical laugh bubbling up. "She knew then. She knew she was going to try to kill you. And she tried to lay the blame at my feet, telling me if I hadn't changed your perspective on that of which was forbidden, she'd never had to take such drastic measures."

"It doesn't change anything." Agatha insists.

"Of course it does." You snap. "Don't tell me you're allowing your long dead mother to manipula-"

"It's not manipulation when it was the truth!" Agatha's voice rings in the sudden silence. "Mother was right. I can't possibly be good, not when my magic finds it's call in such twisted vileness. You think you know, but you don't. We were young, hopeful and idealistic, but above all else, exceedingly stupid." The last word is spat out, disgust dripping from it. "I have killed more people than the years that have passed for you. I have harmed innocents and sown discord and ruin. You don't get to tell me that I can be good when I've long since fulfilled Mother's prophecy about me." Agatha then holds up long, black stained fingers.

"Fine, then." You say. "You're bad. Congratulations, you have as much of a moral back bone as a chocolate eclair. Guess what, dumbass? That still isn't a good enough reason for me to walk away from you."

Agatha opens her mouth, then shuts it, before opening it again.

"I'm walking away from you." She says, stumbling over the words.

"No, you're not." You sigh. "Agatha, admit it. You can't help but want me to stay, but you're so fucked up, you don't think you deserve anything good. But you can't make a decision for me."

Agatha's eyes are suddenly like steel. "Of course I can. I'm telling you, I don't want to have anything further to do with you."

You can tell she wants it to hurt, and it does, but the fact she hasn't just teleported away betrays her. That and-

"Then why did you fuck me the night I returned?"

Agatha colors.

"A moment of weakness and poor judgment."

You smirk. "Oh, yes. Because you and I both know how deeply you regret having mind blowing sex."

"I-" Agatha looks away, swallowing. "That's not fair."

"You're not being fair." You step closer to her, gently reaching out for her arms. "Agatha," you say softly. "I love you. It's that simple. And you can turn me away, you can never see me again, but that won't change how I feel about you. The only thing your denying us is going to cause is pain, for both sides."

And suddenly, her head thunks down onto your shoulder, her hands coming up to clutch at your shirt material.

"It's not fair." She whispers. "I'm trying to protect you."

"Can't you see?" You beg. "You don't have to push me away to protect me. All I want is for you to allow yourself to love me back."

Her hands tighten and her shoulders shake, and you know she's fighting back tears if she hasn't already lost to them.

"I do love you." Her voice is wet, burdened. "That's why I can't-"

"You can."

Silence follows your declaration.

"Please, Agatha. I don't think-" Your voice breaks. "I don't think I can survive without you anymore."

There's more silence, until-

"If I ever hurt you, in any way, I need you to be able to protect yourself from me."

You open your mouth to protest, but then shut it, thinking about what Agatha is offering.

You hesitate.

"Perhaps," you start. "It would better if we simply agreed to essentially start over. Relearn one another."

Agatha pulls away, and it's then your realize as cool air hits the wet patch on your shoulder that she had been silently crying the entire time she had her head buried against you, though there's no trace of tears anywhere on her face.

"I need you to promise me you'll learn how to protect yourself and demonstrate your willingness to first." She replies firmly.

"From you."

"Yes." She pauses. "I'm dangerous, angel. It's just a fact. My greatest fear is losing control of myself and harming you. I need the reassurance that you won't let me if I try."

"Oh."

When she puts it like that...

"I suppose I could agree to that."

Her entire body sags with relief.

"Thank you." She roughly whispers, before giving into what you both desire, yanking you by your shirt, pulling you into a searing kiss, sealing your agreement.

"I love you." She says against your lips.

"And I, you." You reply, before kissing her once more.

#sky's stolen ask games #sky's asks #sky's anons #sky's inbox #sky's writing #agatha harkness #agatha harkness x reader #c: agatha #sky answers #sky replies #angst #i think #uh maybe hurt/comfort? #oh also #trigger warning: Evanora Harkness #(yes Evanora you do get your own warning pipe down) #i hope you enjoy it anon! #sky's blurbs #sky writes

[never-not-ever]

Last update was about a week ago. Sometimes I feel like what’s the point in posting these but then I remember how down the road I like looking back and rereading these. Although sometimes it’s triggering, but other times it’s like damn I’ve come far from that dark place.

I still journal and actually just wrote up an entry. It was a long one and I guess I can just use that to look back on but it’s easier and faster to type.

So that week were my doctor put me on that 3-11 1:1 I was on it for 3 days, Tues-Thurs. I came off it Friday and it was my doctors last day before her 2-fucking-week vacation. She’s back the day after Christmas and I wonder if I’ll still be here.

This past week I had this covering doctor who is a lot. He’s annoying in the sense that he interrupts me, writes up things in my notes like “feels tired this morning, doesn't think it's the trazodone this morning, but is worried that trazodone can / did make her tired this morning (self-contradicts herself)” and “inconsistency in statements” like so what if I said I didn’t think it made me tired but maybe now that I think of it maybe it did? And then that inconsistency thing is cause I said that I wouldn’t kill my self when I discharge cause I don’t want to hurt my grandmother like that and he said “well aren’t you hurting her by being in here and hurting yourself?”…

I miss my old doctor and now my social worker is out on vacation this week. I mean as annoying as this new doctor is he is somewhat helpful cause he’s all about problem solving and skills. Wait.. am I just contradicting myself again…

This past week he said some comments how my self harm is less severe cause I was punching the ground and not cutting my skin open. He also said on Monday “let’s be honest you’re probably going to hurt yourself later, so let’s focus on going to staff beforehand”. That part pissed me off, like don’t take away my control, don’t decide for me. I make the decision not you. And then that “less severe” comment pushed me over the edge and I ended up doing the later instead of punching the ground. Don’t get me wrong, I take full accountability of my actions. I am not blaming anyone for “well that’s why I self harmed”. No. Peoples words effect my thoughts and urges but ultimately it’s my choice to self harm or not and it’s no one’s fault but my own.

So because of the “later” he reinstated that 3-11 1:1 this past Thursday with the plan to keep it through the weekend. Every week for the past few weeks I keep saying I want to leave this week. On Monday, when I first met with him I asked “can I leave this Friday” and he replied that it “was possible but let’s see how the week goes”. Then I landed myself on that 1:1 so obviously I didn’t leave yesterday.

But during my team meeting yesterday I brought this brilliant idea to the table. I said to them how, as it’s been said multiple times, I’m just going in circles. I self harm, get put back on a 1:1, think “well it’s not that bad at least it’s not 24 hours”, stop self harming to get off it, last a few days, self harm again and then the cycle repeats itself. I hate that I have to say this but ultimately a 24 hour 1:1 is the thing that will prevent me from ever self harming again in here (well maybe… and I’ll get to that part later). Especially since my social worker said that the next 1:1 will be all belongings taken away. So my idea was take me off this 3-11 1:1 and I’ll know that if I self harm again I’ll go right back on it and 24 hours. He liked this plan and asked me how long the 24 hour 1:1 would be and k said I don’t know, it doesn’t matter cause it’s not going to happen. He still wanted me to give an answer and so I said a week. And to make sure I’m not being sneaky and self harming but not telling staff I said I will do arm checks each night to prove it. Even though it was my idea I hated it but I know it’ll prevent me from doing anything.

Now the maybe part- which I just thought of today… Wait, I did end up getting my idea approved so no more 1:1. And also I told them how I wanted to start proving to them I can be safe because if I get covid I want to be able to say “look at all these days I’ve been self harm free, now let me discharge now because I am NOT isolating myself after I just started being social”. There’s been two cases of covid this past week. We all tested again this morning. I’ll get my results tonight and I swear to god if it’s positive I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Back to that “maybe” part. I was thinking earlier how if the people I’m social with were to discharge before me there would be no reason to care about going back on the 1:1 which sounds horrible but like I said, I’ve been more social and it’s been great but like I still feel incredibly hopeless about my future. I still know that the self harm and drinking is going to start right back up when I get home, my SI is getting worse even though I’m swearing I won’t do anything. Like it’s not enough to keep me here especially if the self harm stops. Then again my reasoning to not self harm is to be able to discharge asap if I test positive. Not really to continue to be social. Ughh I feel like I’m making no sense and maybe this covering doctor is right and I’m just self contradicting myself…

My roommate discharged last Wednesday and I miss her so much but I still have this other girl that I’m close with here. We have a group chat and once we leave we’re all planning to hang out. Then there’s this guy… oh god.. I don’t even know where to begin or how much to share. He’s been here a week and I think we started including him in our card games his first night. He was and still is so mysterious. If looks could kill… That first night I started giving sarcasm right back to him and my two friends here said in the group chat that they think he likes me. I didn’t believe it cause 1) I’m gross looking and 2) who the fuck would like me? The next night he asked me how long I’ve liked girls for and I told him my coming out/sexuality changing rollercoaster. Came out in Jan 2017, didn’t want to label myself, just liked people. Then a few months later was like ugh guys are disgusting. Now that I’ve broken up with my ex I’m questioning myself and who the fuck knows. Him asking that made me wonder why he cares and my friends continued to come up with confirming reasons that he likes me. Which is so bizarre to me because it’s been so long since anyone’s showed interest in me. Maybe cause I’ve just made work my entire life and had no social life at all.

So since then there’s been lots of flirting and sarcasm fights. This guy he hangs out with keeps saying he can see the chemistry between us. He didn’t say those words but he speaks Spanish, very little English and the way he tries to insinuate that there’s something between us is hilarious. I actually love playing cards with him he’s so fucking funny.

So last night a bunch of us were playing cards. We’re sarcastically fighting like usual and this lady who’s doing a puzzle says that we fight like a married couple.. So he said how more people are starting to catch on and he’s right. Then my absolute favorite nurse walks into the dining room right as I call him an asshole. I told her that he’s mean and deserves it. That lady tells the nurse how we fight like a married couple and she agreed and I thought the nurse said “I thought you were less mean” to which I replied “you thought I was less mean???” Cause she knows me well enough by now. BUT she really said “I thought you were a lesbian”. There was my opportunity to start a cover story. So I told her “I am a lesbian, just a mean lesbian” and she started dying laughing. Then I told him “you know I’m not a lesbian, I’m mean clearly I’m not a lesbian”. I’m not going to go into the reasons why he knows I’m definitely not just into girls but I will say this has been my most interesting, risky, fun/thrilling inpatient stay I’ve ever had…

And that about covers it and brings me up to speed.

#personal #inpatient #tw self harm #trigger warning self harm

[lunadook]

Gonna vent, putting it below the fold so you can skip if you want (cw: social media whining)

I am honestly devastated by the death of Twitter because suddenly this group of people I liked interacting with suddenly moved to various different places and none of them are good substitutes:

Mastodon is OK if you can build a significant network (I'd argue it's the best drop in twitter replacement of anything) but I've had issues with being harassed off instances before, we all know about general issues with instance stability (snouts.online as a prime example) and a lot of my friends didn't end up going there and finding new people isn't as easy to do with the way federation works, I feel. Also the fact that people won't join because they view issues that are a result of leadership of certain instances as a "mastodon" problem, and blame the entire framework for those issues instead of the individuals and instances that are creating them.

Tumblr is probably the place I've settled best into but very few of my friends made it over, I still don't fully integrate with the tagging culture and everything (just not used to it)... Generally things kinda feel a lot more detached. Maybe I'll get better at it.

Cohost is where a lot of my friends decided to call home, but I cannot trust the site, from the way in which the stakeholders/owners/admins of the site market it as something it isn't (for more info on this please read this thread, I think it's worded well), and how when the site owners are met with even the slightest amount of criticism for the way in which they choose to implement a thing, they go throw a huge hissy fit and tell users who aren't very active that "you don't matter anyway" and tell anyone else "fuck all of you I'm just a poor admin please stop messaging me on my personal profile that is literally shoved in every new user's face as someone to follow" (the site admins and the staff account are your first suggested accounts to follow), and then on top of all of that they have no clear path to actual sustainability in terms of the money it costs to pay 6 workers $96K USD a year and then also pay for servers and CDN costs and all the other associated things. That also isn't getting into certain content moderation decisions that I think are questionable.

Reddit always sucked but now it's virtually unusable on mobile and bots for things like sales tracking subreddits don't work and generally the place is way less vibrant now that many users just left entirely after the API-ocalipse.

I don't care about it but Bluesky has a racism problem apparently? And it's just a clone of Mastodon that's missing features and a weird per-category/general idea algorithm which means nothing performs well there unless you learn how to game that algorithm (that no one understands).

Also don't care for it but Threads is not available in the EU, likely due to data collection policies that violate privacy laws there, and that's not getting into how the platform is basically just Twitter 2 with whatever celebs aren't on Bluesky which includes all the bad parts of Twitter culture.

Twitter is a fucking hellscape now, no more comments need to be made on that.

I guess it's not the worst thing ever, because it means I use social media less, but I also feel like I just don't meet as many cool, interesting people anymore. Shit sucks.

#vent #social media

[islandfate]

me? finishing my s3 character recap only a day after completing the season? crazy. anyway, more of my thoughts!!! i don’t think i have anything very controversial in here, but this is almost 3k words of opinions so … enjoy!

jack – starting off strong with mr jack shephard. surprisingly, i don’t think i hated jack this season. sure, he pissed me off every now and again, but as i’ve said before, that’s just standard with this character. i’ve begun to expect and accept that. otherwise, he was pretty okay? i don’t like the first seven episodes of this season at all, i just absolutely hate the surgery plot. and let’s not forget ‘stranger in a strange land,’ which might just be the worst episode of this entire show. i don’t like ‘fire + water’ any more than the next guy, but it was significantly better than whatever the fuck we got in episode 9. just terrible. anyway, i understood why jack wouldn’t do surgery on ben, and i thought his line, “i just wanted you to understand how you’re gonna die,” was kind of fire. made me laugh, that’s for sure. never thought i’d see the day! later on, i enjoyed his relationship with juliet and i didn’t hate him as much when he told the camp that he hadn’t told them anything because he hadn’t decided what to do about it yet. used to that made me soooo mad, but this time around i was kinda like … i mean, yeah, you guys are the ones that wanted him to be leader. if that’s the decision he made, i think it’s fine. overall, jack wasn’t intensely annoying and i didn’t really mind him that much.

ben – ohhhhh ben. how could i ever not love you? we don’t get a lot from him during the surgery plot, or even after, but i think we start to really see who he is when locke blows up the submarine - all because ben manipulated him into doing it, which is just amazing to me. we especially see more of him in ‘the brig,’ how he so easily manipulates situations in his favor, and of course his centric episode which just … kills me. roger was a piece of shit and i stand by that!! of course, i don’t think the entire dharma initiative deserved to die, but it’s interesting to see someone who was in dharma eventually become the leader of the others. dharma’s very enemies! i also think it’s soooo ben to try and play up the whole jacob situation. the cabin scene did confuse me a lot - it could either be that ben was pretending to see someone, but that when shit started flying around and the fire started he just kind of rolled with the punches; OR ben was seeing someone there, and if so, it would’ve had to have been the man in black. which would make sense, if he was manipulating ben into being jealous of locke. as we know this works. however, ben seems to genuinely believe that jacob spoke to locke, and you can see in his face that he isn’t happy about it - enough to where i think he’s never spoken to or seen jacob at all. either way, i do believe the man in black was the one to say “help me,” and i lean more toward the idea that ben didn’t see anyone and was putting on a little show. but i love when ben is like, “well i certainly hope jacob helps you,” after he fucking shoots locke. hilarious. the one thing i hate is ben’s weird infatuation with juliet, but i’ll probably talk about that more in s4 when we get the dreaded flashback. also i think you can really see ben’s desperation at the end of this season, like for once he’s telling the truth - these people that are coming to the island are bad!! they’re gonna kill people!!! but no one listens. which, i can’t really blame them, ben is a known liar and manipulator, but i think it’s interesting how genuine ben’s motives are. he just wants to protect the island. seeing him get beat up again was also kind of funny not gonna lie. the writers really just want you to hate ben so bad ( like pretending he got sayid, jin, and bernard killed ) alongside other shit, but he’s just sooo likeable i don’t care about his crimes. and he really didn’t do anything that insane. anyway, ben was my man, and i cannot wait to see him be his best self in s4.

desmond – i adore desmond. i forgot how much i love him in this season, he’s seriously great in every scene he’s in. his plot with charlie is definitely s3’s most redeeming quality, and i find it insanely funny that the B Plot is more interesting than whatever the hell is going on with the others / jack, kate, and sawyer. ‘flashes before your eyes’ was nominated for an award and i think that’s telling to how fucking amazing that episode is. i got full body chills when eloise tells desmond that things have to play out as they were meant to, and especially when desmond tells charlie that he’ll have to die. it’s just amazing. he’s such a great guy and i think every single one of his centric episodes rock, he’s just an amazingly written character and the show wouldn’t be nearly the same without him.

charlie – charlie becomes one of my favorite characters in this season. he kinda drops down in s2 for obvious reasons, but he’s just SO great in s3. his plot is by far the most interesting and devastating. him coming to terms with the fact that he’s going to die, desmond saving him multiple times, ‘greatest hits’ … oh man that episode fucking destroyed me. i hadn’t seen it in a few years so i really got hit hard with his flashbacks and his interactions with everyone else - literally right before he’s knowingly going to his death. when he’s got tears in his eyes before he goes down to the looking glass??? i nearly died. it’s so fucking sad. and we also talked a bit about how so many of his other deaths have to do with water … foreshadowing or coincidence? no idea but i love it either way. obvs ‘not penny’s boat’ is iconic and for good reason too. his death just hurts. i love charlie and i’m sad to see him go, but his death does kick off major things for s4 so it is important, no matter how tragic it is.

hurley – i loved hurley this season. his interactions with the other survivors, especially sawyer, are just great - and him being the one to get all of this important information ( naomi telling him that flight 815 was found, finding out ethan wasn’t on the plane ) definitely hints at his future in the show. ‘tricia tanaka is dead’ is one of my favorite episodes in the entire series and hurley is just great in it. the fucking asteroid makes me die laughing every time. i really love him trying to fix up the van and that whole scene is just great. overall, i adore hurley in s3 and, as usual, i look forward to seeing more of him in the next one.

sawyer – he might just be at his funniest this season. i enjoyed his relationship with kate, a lot, and i just really love him in s3! ignoring the whole surgery plot, once sawyer makes it back to camp and has to act as a stand-in leader of sorts, being tricked by hurley into doing nice things - i just love when he does shit like that. and helping with the van, trying to solve the whole nikki and paulo fiasco … he’s just great. i have nothing bad to say about him ( ever ) and i think he can just be really sweet and does cute things and I LOVE HIM!!

nikki & paulo – oh, i bet you didn’t expect to see these two up here, did you? let’s be real, they were never going to go into honorable mentions because i have too much to talk about with them and ‘exposé.’ anyway, as surprising as it sounds, i really liked paulo. i genuinely felt bad for him - i mean, obviously not killing someone and stealing the guy’s diamonds - but, you know, for the way nikki treated him. more than anything, paulo wanted the diamonds to be gone so that he and nikki could just … be a normal couple, without that hanging over their heads forever. and to have nikki do what she did to him?! it’s sooo fucked up and it just made me feel awful for him. as for nikki, i did not like her, but i did love the scene at the beginning of the episode where she’s playing as a stripper. “razzle dazzle!” what a stupid yet iconic quote. that episode is just so fucking dumb and funny, i can’t not love it. another one of my favorites in the series. anyway, i think nikki got a good taste of karma for what she did to paulo, but their deaths were just absolutely horrific once you find out they’re paralyzed and are being buried alive!!! i swear i think about that shit all the time and it makes me shiver. anyway, love these random ass side characters and i think it’s funny they got killed off so quickly ( especially considering this was only done because fans hated them so much ). rip nikki and paulo you guys didn’t deserve that but you had a great flashback episode.

kate – kate was … meh? she didn’t annoy me, but nothing she did really stood out to me. i only enjoyed her scenes with sawyer, pretty much, as i think their relationship is really fun ( and better than whatever the fuck kate and jack have going on ). genuinely kinda hurt me tho that she blamed herself for jack not being able to get off the island. like girlie that was all ben and locke! not you!! the gays will be gay let them do their thing. anyway i can’t think of anything else interesting with her, sooo that’s about it.

locke – this is the start of the best relationship in the series, which would beeee you guessed it! locke and ben. at least to me. nothing lives up to these two and some of the shit they say to each other??? fucking insane. it’s so gay i can’t even fathom it, especially on ben’s side. i really love the ways they both affect each other, ben’s consuming jealousy of locke because of his relationship with the island, locke’s anger at ben because more than anything he wants to trust him - it just fucks me up. and, obviously, i love their slow burn friendship in s4 but i’ll talk about that more when we get there. anyway, i think locke did some crazy shit this season but i really liked him at the end, when walt tells him he has work to do and he kills naomi - putting him and ben on the same side of this situation. it’s interesting how devoted locke is to the island, but obviously he still has his morals and no matter how much he wants to, he can’t shoot jack. and i think that’s kind of the difference between him and ben - locke embraces his humanity despite the island’s commands, while ben completely foregoes his. for the rest of this season i didn’t hate locke but i didn’t necessarily love him either. he faded into the background a little bit for me, but i do love the episode where we see him get thrown out of the building. fucking crazy. he really just blew up a lot of shit this season and i’m here for it. makes me think of that meme from s6 of ben, richard, and miles and their moniger “team blow shit up.” i love it. embracing locke’s absolute insanity in the wake of MiB … anywho, yeah, locke on his own didn’t hit so much but alongside ben he really captures my attention. love when he tells ben that he’s the man behind the curtain, the wizard of oz. it’s so good!! locke’s delivery is always great and i think he’s just a phenomenal character ( and terry o’quinn kills it with the acting ). enough said from me.

sayid – i’m gonna be so honest, i didn’t give much of a shit about sayid this season. the only episode that hits for me is ‘enter 77,’ when sayid, kate, and locke first encounter mikhail and we get that flashback of sayid and the woman he tortured, as well as her cat. the whole story she tells about the cat as well as herself … it definitely made me a little emotional. otherwise, i didn’t care much for sayid but i didn’t have many qualms like i did with him in s2. he’s kind of just there.

claire – i wish i had more to say on claire but i really don’t. she literally did nothing for me this season, i didn’t care about her that much, but i did like her flashback episode and her thing with the birds ( not that it’s going to help anything ). aside from that, i have nothing else to talk about! moving on…

juliet – i do really enjoy juliet’s presence in this show, she’s one of my favorite characters and i love the way she’s written. her short-lived thing with jack is not really my thing, but we can move past that. oh and her flashbacks also don’t hit for me, ever, but that’s not really her fault. anyway, her hatred of ben is interesting ( which is for valid reasons, obviously ) and i think it’s cool to see an other who slowly merges with the survivors because it’s the first time that she can really get away. i think she’s definitely the beginning of these two groups coming together, which will be needed in s4 considering who’s coming to the island. juliet genuinely cares for people but carries out ben’s orders nonetheless - until she really has the option not to. and the little bits we get of her and sawyer are fun, i’m excited to see how they develop more in s5. overall she’s a great character aaaand i look forward to seeing her on screen again.

sun & jin – jin was fun this season, i liked his little friendship with hurley/charlie/sawyer with the van, and then later with hurley/charlie/desmond when they go camping. love the little scary story he tells, i just really enjoyed him. sun was alright, didn’t stand out to me too much, but i do really like the episode where she goes to the staff to get an ultrasound. she and juliet are interesting there, and i loved sun’s reaction to the baby being jin’s … it was just so human and kind of ripped my heart out, like she’s crying in joy but also she knows she’s going to die, but that’s okay because at least she didn’t betray jin in this terrible way. anyway, i can’t think of much more to do with these two, but i love their relationship as usual!

eko – we don’t get to see eko much in this season, but his centric episode is fucking great and i looooove his deal with the smoke monster. my thought has always been that eko was a candidate and the monster was testing him, looking through his memories to see what could be exploited - and most likely see how impressive of a candidate he would be, considering eko didn’t even flinch when he first saw the monster. then in s3 we get MiB leading him away, posing as his brother, and my assumption is that because eko doesn’t feel guilt for the things he’s done, because he doesn’t need the island or anyone else on it, he is no longer a candidate. so the smoke monster fucks him up because of it. this would also make sense because eko doesn’t move on with everyone else at the church, he moves on right then and there with yemi. i do adore eko’s quote, “i did not ask for the life that i was given, but it was given nonetheless. and with it, i did my best.” that fucking kills me. puts tears in my eyes just thinking about it. i was really sad to see him go but i do think his death is intriguing and leaves a lot to think about. rip eko tho </3

honorable mentions:

richard – didn’t get a lot from him this season, but i fucking love him. he’s one of my favs. enough said.

roger work man – i hope you fucking choke and die <3

ethan – a jumpscare every time he appeared on screen. surprisingly enjoyable to see again, i found myself liking his character. i think he just got cabin ( jungle? ) fever and went a little crazy, that’s all.

arzt – great little cameo and i loved his bug collection. so sad he exploded.

taller ghost walt – WALT I MISSED YOU!!! THERE’S MY BOY!

#dr dipshit ( elsie rewatch ) #there's a divinity that shapes our ends ( s3 ) #i'm so proud of myself for how quickly i finished this #enjoy! #character recap