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spiderliliez · 1 year

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MORFYDD CLARK and ADHD

The GIFs above are excerpts from Morfydd’s five different interviews during the promotion of “Saint Maud” while still filming “The Rings of Power” where she briefly talks about, and inadvertently exhibits her ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) traits. The first one shows of her being surprised by her alarm, and explains she keeps it on snooze so she doesn’t forget her tasks. Some would think this is just normal, that we all really need to have reminders anyway. But when you have ADHD, your alarms will be your lifesaver, and it can be quite extreme as your attention easily wanders off and you have almost no control of it, because you simply completely forget what you’re supposed to do. 😖

In the second interview, the keyword is “Procrastination” and she mentions how procrastination doesn’t make her feel guilty. Constant procrastination is very common amongst people with ADHD. It’s just always there. Yes, we all procrastinate, but people with ADHD does it more extreme than others. There are those who would feel endless guilt when they dither and temporize what needs to be done, and after all that, they still couldn’t keep themselves from procrastinating anyway. It becomes this vicious cycle, that adds on to one’s depression because of feeling incompetent. I’m just glad she’s allowed herself to indulge in what she wants to do and not feel criminal about it. 🙃 In the third one, she talks about her struggle with reading and being unable to keep at it for a certain duration. This is very common with ADHD as your ability to focus shifts so quickly, especially if you happen to be reading something you realized you’re not that interested in. However as she mentioned, she was able to read through the entire script (for “Saint Maud”) in one go, of which shows how much she loved the story. In some of her interviews, she speaks of how audiobooks have been very helpful to her. People with ADHD can also have “Dyslexia” (just like Morfydd). It’s more common than not, and that makes reading and writing even more challenging.

In her fourth and fifth interview, she talks about how her brain reacts while she was in school. It’s quite clear, listening and reading her interviews, that she has the combination of both the “Hyperactive-Impulsive and Inattentive Type”. As you know, there are three types (Hyperactive-Impulsive, Inattentive, and having both). Being in class, with so much stimuli, with her brain firing different thoughts and ideas almost all at once, as Morfydd exclaimed, “So exciting!”, while the teacher talks about a subject that she probably doesn’t find interesting, plus that insatiable need to get on her feet to be where she wants to be, or do what she wants to do. And all of that... you can imagine, it just becomes quite taxing for an excited ADHD brain. 🧠 I get that, really. The most common type of ADHD in girls is the “Inattentive Type” (formerly just called “ADD” aka Attention Deficit Disorder), which is easily overlooked. I was only diagnosed with it as an adult, which makes it sad as I’ve always been so cruel to myself before, not knowing what was wrong with me, and admitted to myself that I was just simply “lacking” or worst, feeling “dumb”. It’s a terrible (false) acceptance for a kid, and I carried that thought until adulthood. Morfydd got her diagnosis when she was seven. She was probably quite a handful! 😅 Parents and teachers can easily spot the “Hyperactive” kids because, well, they are literally hyperactive and uncontrollably rambunctious. Because of that, they can get their diagnosis earlier in life and get the help they require in their formative years. I was not like that. I was quiet, and timid. I was even called the “most behaved in class”. I didn’t cause any trouble in school. However, my concentration level is next to zero at worst times. I might be sitting quietly, but my mind is just all over the place. I’ve learned earlier in life on how to pretend I’m okay and find ways to cope.

🗨️ MORFYDD SAID: I knew I was different from age seven when I started having medication for it. I understood that something was different but I didn’t understand what it was. I’d go and get my tablet in the staff room at lunchtime and there was a boy a few years above me who had an illness that required lots of medication, but I didn’t know this at the time. I remember seeing him get lots of tablets, cause that’s what he needed, and being like “Wow. He must be really naughty because I am quite naughty and I get one tablet.” I think quite early on, you label yourself as naughty and bad. (via ContentMode)

My ADHD caused me to have insomnia as early as age eight or nine. My brain just never stops wandering, even when I am physically tired. When I do things, I finish my tasks a lot longer than most people, be it at school, at home, or at work. This is not something I’ve talked about before, because I feel as an adult, in the usual corporate profession, I feel I’d be marginalized for it. It’s not really something I want my colleagues, and my boss to know. What’s more, for ADHD people, other learning disabilities are quite common. In school I enjoyed writing essays and stories, however, I suffered from mild “Dyslexia” and when I started second grade I started to have terrible “Dyscalculia” that I still have to this day.

🗨️ MORFYDD SAID: My dyslexia means I can’t read for long periods or the letters start moving around on the page, giving me headaches, so I have to prep more than others in shorter bursts — and when I’m home I’ve got these orange tinted glasses that I have to wear. (via WalesOnline)

My dyslexia has progressively gotten better as I have gotten older, and I even joined spelling bees in school. But the amount of hard work I did for that was just a lot. When I joined my local school paper, I decided it’s better I just focus on “editorial cartooning” instead of writing features and news because I have trouble submitting my articles on time. My dyscalculia until now is the same. I took up “Bachelor of Computer Science”, and you could call it a miracle, but I did manage to graduate. During exams, I always leave the room last, as I have to recheck my answers again and again before I submit them. Same with writing emails at work. And when I have to read a book, I oftentimes find myself stuck on one page over and over again. I’d be reading the same lines, but my mind just flies off, so I have to either stop, or restart reading until I could concentrate. The distraction can be caused by my own thoughts, or because I’m distracted by my surroundings. It’s really hard to focus, and I think Morfydd is amazing for being able to remember her lines especially when she’s doing onstage plays.

🗨️ MORFYDD SAID: I feel that acting really suits me because sometimes I struggle with a whole day rehearsal in a play, but film is very short moments of intense concentration. Then you can snap out of it. Also, the stakes are high. If I was going to have to do something boring like writing an essay, I can only do it under huge amounts of pressure and adrenaline. Being on set you have short bursts with pressure and it’s fun. In terms of learning lines, I will just wander around my flat or town saying them. There is no structure. I struggle when there is a structure enforced on me, that I can’t do. Within film, I am allowed to be fluid and structured within this world. I thought about that a lot with Maud. Because I thought, “Would I have been bullied a lot if I had been in an office, because I would just be annoying? Would I be fired a lot for being late?” (via ContentMode)

The good thing about ADHD, is you have this superpower to “Hyperfocus”. This is when you would zone in on a task, happens when you have so much interest in a certain activity. Just like what Morfydd said, when she read “Saint Maud” for the first time, that she was able to finish it in one go. In that state, nothing can distract you, and I mean nothing! I would often forget the time, or my surroundings when I hyperfocus. I don’t even notice people when they call me. I’m sure it’s the same for Morfydd when it comes to acting. 😎

If you have ADHD, and you aim to meet expectations (such as graduating from school or university, being in a relationship, running a business, or keeping your job), your brain really needs to work extra hard to compensate for your lack of focus and distractibility. In short an ADHD brain tends to be a lot more fatigued, and stressed than others. It can get easier by taking your prescribed medication for ADHD, managing your time, and not forgetting to setup your reminders. Finding ways to cope with the help of recent studies are quite helpful. Support from your friends and family is very important, too!

🗨️ MORFYDD SAID: People with ADHD find it really hard to put effort into things that they don’t find interesting. So, it’s about finding the thing that your child or person with ADHD is passionate about and finding a way to make that part of your world.” (via ContentMode) It’s weird to have a diagnosis from seven. It makes you feel different or other, which feeds a fascination with brains and why people are the way they are. I’m kind to myself about stuff I find difficult, because I understand why. (via NZHerald)

There are many people, especially girls and women who struggle with this neurodevelopmental disorder and not know they actually have it. So, I do have a lot of love, respect and appreciation for Miv, especially that she talks about this publicly, and reminding others that, ‘it’s okay’. With that, I have been reminded to be kinder to myself. I was never okay with having ADHD, but when people like her talk about it, I feel not so alone anymore. 🥀

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Thanks to: ContentMode, NZHerald, The Observer, The Upcoming, BFI, Harper's Bazaar UK, Carl Marsh, BAFTA Guru, WalesOnline, ADDITUDE

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miss0atae · 2 months

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Random thoughts about Dead Friend Forever episode 11 :

It’s the second to last episode before the end of the series. This episode gave us the final flashback, I believe. We now know what happened after Tee brought Non to his uncle.

▪️ First thing first, I’m glad I was wrong about what happened to No. I really thought he would end up sex-trafficking to repay his debts, but it was less horrible. Don’t get me wrong, it was still a very dreadful situation. At first, Tee’s Uncle wanted to sell his organs, but Tee spoke up for Non and he got spared. Instead of being killed and his organs sold, Non ended up working in the illegal casino of Tee’s Uncle. I don’t know how Non still found the will to live because he lost everything. He never deserved any of the shits that happened to him. He was abused, exploited, abandoned, beaten and scared for no reason. He was just different and all those who hurt him did it because they just couldn’t accept this difference. I’m glad he lashed at Tee and asked him why he had to endure all of that. He just wanted to finish a stupid short movie. He was a normal kid who wanted to do something he likes and his life turned into hell. I felt like crying when Non said he was a loser and couldn’t even get back to his parents because they wouldn’t care for him (which we know is not true but Non never got to know it). The worst thing is Tee didn’t have any answer to give him because they never had any good reasons to be this mean to him.

▪️ The hardest part was watching Non becoming this empty shell while working at the casino. He had a vacant look. His face was still messed up from his beating. He was also hunched and he was unsteady when walking. You could see, he was barely clinging to life. He was also coughing a lot which made me see that he never really got better after being beaten and he must have been exhausted from working a lot. I really wanted someone to just miraculously appear and save him from this hell but this is not the tone of this series.

▪️ This episode was clearly centered around Tee’s side of the story. We saw how guilty he felt to Non and how he wanted to make him leave his Uncle’s place as quickly as possible. He started to work more at the casino and for his Uncle’s embezzlement schemes (don’t know if it is how you should call it). He also got a part-time job at an internet cafe, where he found a way of making more money to give them to Non. Every time, he saw Non, it was a reminder of how he fucked up. Many times, he referred to Non as his friend during the episode. I don’t know if he truly believed it or if it was just the guilt. Non and him had a weird relationship. It was clearly emphasizes during the part where Tee gave him a money envelop. The way Non looked at him and how he reacted it… I don’t know, I felt there were a lot of nonverbal communication between them at this moment. I’m probably over analyzing this part.

▪️ After this moment, we had a glimpse of Tee’s life with his father. We previously heard about him in previous episodes but never got to see it. Tee came back home and couldn't find his father. He isn’t well and Tee is the one who has to take care of him. It clearly has a negative impact on Tee since he must be the responsible one when he should just live a normal teenager’s life. He wishes to have this life he can’t have, instead he has to be involved in his Uncle’s life to be able to get money and to survive. As always, with DFF, you see, this is never all-or-nothing. Tee has a very hard life and he has troubles keeping himself afloat, but at the same time he didn’t hesitate to use and abuse Non to serve his own interest. He knew it would be terrible. How can he not know it? He said to his father he didn’t want to be involved in this gray business. I think you can feel sad for him and understand how difficult it can be, but also vilified him for what he’s done to Non. If only he had found the help he needed before… I don’t know how he would have turned. We would never have this story, I guess.

▪️ This series loves to blow hot and cold. You start to feel pity for Tee and this series shows you, you can’t. The next scene is Tee coming to the casino and not finding Non. Perth is the one telling him and us why. That’s where we discover Non being dead. He died… I can’t accept it. It may sounds crazy but I had this idea of him being away and having a really good reason to not be here in the present… I wanted it to be true. Unfortunately, it isn’t. Non is dead. He died of exhaustion… This is so sad! Tee is as lost as us, viewers. I know the group is at fault with Non, but frankly I was mostly furious with Tee’s Uncle in this scene (This man is a freaking cancer and manipulator). At the beginning of the episode, after Tee spoke up for Non, we learn from his Uncle how Non’s debt isn’t that high in fact. He should have been able to pay it and move on with his life. Instead, he died of exhaustion after everything he went through, alone and sad. He never learned about how his parents did everything to find him, how they died… The only person who knew about his death at that time was Tee… The only person who cried for him at the end was Tee… someone who made him get to this point. Cruel irony! I really cried when reading the message on the paper where he said: “I’m gonna get out of this place. I’m not a loser”. Shit! That hurts. He was counting the day. I can’t believe Tee did nothing after discovering it. He just decided to be sad and depressed. That’s his answer… Yes, he cried. I also cried. Did it change anything? No… I wish he at least tried to do something to avenge him… anything. Even, if it didn’t work.

▪️ Tee decided he just didn’t deserves happiness but happiness found him anyway. That’s when White came into the picture. He just arrived at the internet cafe and apparently became very interested in Tee. They started to spend a lot of time together. White was this flirty and cute boy who wanted to charm his crush. They were cute. I mean the series did something magical because I couldn’t stand Tee and I still found his burgeoning relationship with White, cute and charming. Being in love with White, made Tee realized he could be a good person and he should do his most to get better. It would have been sweet in another series. Right now, it just feels flat after what happened to Non. Poor White, never knew the truth until Tee told his side of the story. White really has nothing to do with Non and he is just a poor boy who fell in love with someone he shouldn't have which dragged him into this mess. He truly is innocent and I will get mad if anything happen to him. I don’t care about the others. They can all die, but not White. If there is only one who deserves to leave this house alive, it’s him.

▪️ Back into the present, Phee takes the gun from Fluke and he wants to stop this madness but Tan/New is set on making everyone pay for what happened to his brother. He has nothing to lose anymore and he will not let Phee stand in the way of his revenge. Besides, he never completely trust him. He starts to smoke and everyone pass out because of it.

Next week is going to be the conclusion of his revenge. How is it going to end? Will Tan/New get justice for his brother? Is anyone going to be alive at the end of the next episode? I’m dying to know. It’s going to be really hard waiting for this last episode. Until now, this series has been really entertaining and I hope the end will be great. I don’t want to feel disappointed.

#thai series #my thoughts #thai bl #bl drama #bl series #random thoughts #dff the series #dead friend forever the series #dead friend forever #dff spoilers #dff #episode 11 #be on cloud #White was just so cute in this episode #I felt so sad most of the episode #I still want White to stay alive #I can't wait for the next episode #This series is still a gem

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zmediaoutlet · 1 month

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Sam’s not sleeping when Dean pulls off the road. “What,” Sam says, although without a lot of interest. State highway after midnight and exactly no one to see, but Dean coasts down the gravel shoulder to the pitted asphalt-and-dirt road that turns off into—sparse woods, a sign that says NO HUNTING. Sam snorts.

“Gotta take five,” Dean says. Sam nods, arms folded over his chest. Shadow-shapes in the dark, his eyes slanted away at some terrible inward thing. Out of the car there’s moonlight peeking through the tree-tops and Dean left the headlights on, so he doesn’t trip and break his neck on his way to water a patch of weeds. He zips up and then stands there, breathing. Dirt and mulch. Kinda acrid now but not any worse than the woods usually are. Not that different from where they’d buried the vampire kid—god, less than six hours ago. Soft dirt there and they’d made a good grave, burned him right, covered the charred bones. Sam hardly looking at him then, too. Like finishing the hunt hurt as much as sitting around thinking about the other dead kid had.

Dean hasn’t got much in his back pocket, when it comes to making Sam feel better. They’ve been doing this so long they’ve got rhythms they follow and he knows that he’s—tough, sometimes, and he can be a real pain, and Sam always seems to have some way to grip Dean by the wrist and pull him up and be solid as mountain rock for Dean to brace against. He doesn’t have a roadmap for when the rock starts to slide under his feet. He can say some of the dumb crap he’d offer to civilians but Sam’s too smart for it to work; he can offer work, or duty if work itself doesn’t do the trick, but Sam’s never felt the pull of that the same way Dean has, and if Dean’s honest he’d be freaked if Sam really bought it. With how Sam’s been talking Dean’d be willing to throw on Steel Magnolias and give him a foot massage if he thought it’d help, but it wouldn’t, and he doesn’t have much left to offer, to try to make it—not fixed. Fixing it isn’t something he’s been able to do since he was five years old and everything went wrong. But maybe it could be—

He comes back to the car and opens the trunk, instead. Then to the passenger side, where he opens Sam’s door, and Sam looks up at him narrow-eyed but not frowning. Tired. Sad, which makes Dean’s throat do something weird, and he clears it before he says, rougher than he means, “You gotta piss or anything?”

“No,” Sam says, tilting it like Dean’s the weird one. Well, fair enough.

Dean nods. He twists the cap on the bottle he fetched and takes a long burning swallow. Sam shakes his head when Dean holds it out but Dean waggles it at him, and Sam’s not yet so oatmeal-hippie-health conscious that he won’t have a drink with Dean on the wrong side of dawn. His lips pull back like it stings. “Good value for fifteen bucks,” Dean says, and Sam raises his eyebrows, and Dean crouches then in the open door, puts his hand on Sam’s leg. Curling his fingers around the inside of Sam’s knee.

They’ve been doing this so long, they’ve got rhythms. Sam’s chin tips down. “I don’t…” he starts, but he bites his lip and breathes in long and slow through his nose and Dean doesn’t know what he would say, anyway. That it was too fucked up, that he missed all the people they’d lost, that the dark was so heavy it had this velvet choking intensity, so bleak no light could ever get through. Pick a number.

But Dean’s left the headlights on. He pulls, and Sam swivels on the seat so his bootheels crunch in the gravel, and Dean settles down on his knees and reaches up and puts his hand on Sam’s face, and watches Sam close his eyes. His jaw clenching. Stubble thick and sharp and his face as hollow as it was when Jack—when—

Dean unbuckles Sam’s belt. The button, the zip, and once he smacks Sam’s hip he lifts up enough so Dean can yank everything down. He’s soft but so what. Dean’s worked with worse. He spreads his hands over Sam’s bare thighs, hair prickling in the autumn air, licks his mouth wet, and when he takes Sam in it’s—everything familiar, good. Gravel biting into his knees through his jeans. He tongues under the soft ridge of the head, breathes through his nose. The rarity of getting to go down to the base without choking, suckling soft, salt under his tongue and the bitter of a long day and Sam’s fingers sliding through his hair, holding the back of his neck so careful. Like Dean will get hurt, doing this thing he’s been doing as long as his life has been worth anything. Like Dean’s doing Sam a favor, here, when he’s split halfway between wanting Sam to stop thinking and wanting his own brain blank as a snowfield.

A weird strangled breath, above. Dean slurps back and kisses Sam’s hipbone, and drags his shirt up and kisses his belly, hair prickling his lips. “Let me,” he says, asking for—a lot, maybe—and Sam doesn’t say anything but his thumb drags up into the soft hollow at the top of Dean’s spine and his thighs tip wider. Dean presses his forehead to Sam’s stomach. Weirdly grateful, in a way he can’t ever say aloud. This one good thing. Then he pushes Sam to sprawl back across the bench seat, and holds Sam’s hips in his hands, and takes his brother into his throat.

#happy wincest wednesday #my writing #ww lottery #a random ficlet for episode 311 #o to give sam a sleep without nightmares #i realize s15 was not particularly interested in emotional continuity #but that shit is a rollercoaster #dead jack directly into dead teenager #(murdered by dean no less)#and sam's sad about rowena (??) but kinda just giving up generally #and you know what i think would help?#dean's dsl

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knickynoo · 3 months

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At what point in time do you think the original timeline McFly family started being dysfunctional? I’m sure George and Lorraine were fully in love at first, and Lorraine even still in the 80s seems to look back fondly when recalling how they fell in love. But I do wonder when exactly it started to go downhill, when they started having kids? Just with age? Or maybe it was never really great to begin with before Marty got involved

This is a really interesting ask, and it's something that I've thought about a handful of times. The Twin Pines McFlys fascinate me.

As for my own headcanons about when the dysfunction started, I think it was always there. Dysfunction within families is complex, though, so it likely ebbed and flowed and morphed over the years. Some thoughts! (hehehe, analysis and theories incoming)

I 100% believe George and Lorraine were fully in love at first and are even still in love when we meet them in 1985. It's just that life has beaten them both down in various ways, and they've lost touch with each other and fallen into a pattern of being resigned to (and maybe even comfortable with) all the disconnect within their family. But there's no mistaking the fondness with which Lorraine begins her story of how she and George met and the way it shifts to such sadness within just a few seconds. Her question of, "It was the night of that terrible thunderstorm, remember, George?" is such a clear bid for connection with him. A hope that he'll smile and recall that night and join in on her story. That's what Lorraine wants! But George doesn't even acknowledge her (not on purpose, I'm sure; he's just so wrapped up in watching The Honeymooners), and you see Lorraine gradually deflate from there.

It's so sad because you can see the emotions shift so suddenly in her! That first gif still holds such affection as she recalls their first kiss. It's like she's a girl again, feeling that overwhelming sense of love and all the possibilities for their life together. But then it changes. She's brought back to reality and all the unhappiness, the disappointments, the realization that life isn't what she imagined for herself.

By the last gif, she's a woman who clearly feels trapped. Now stuck with this guy for the rest of her life. And what makes it so awful is that you can TELL Lorraine still loves him. She longs for that happiness they once had, but it takes two people putting in effort to make a marriage work. She can try to reach George all she wants, but if he can't be emotionally present, it isn't going to work.

Also, I'm sure that George loves Lorraine as well, but he's got a whole plethora of issues that just. Haven't been addressed. George has no self-worth. He's meek and lets people walk all over him and is so completely anxious about everything in life that he's mostly shut down. He's trapped too, with no way (that he can see) to change things. So he does what he can to survive, which consists of doing Biff's bidding and retreating to an inner world at the expense of shutting his family out.

I don't think things were always to this extreme, though. For a while I'm sure things were okay, maybe even good. They were young and in love, and while George was still George, I don't think life had defeated him yet. They got married, really established their little life together, and I can see them as both having hope. And even if there were moments that seemed shaky or hinted that things might be difficult down the road, it was easy to brush it aside. They were still finding their footing, and they were young and had their whole future together to make things better. In all honesty, Dave probably got to experience the "best" versions of his parents for the first several years of his life.

However, each year and every hardship (big and small) likely chipped away at the McFlys and brought about additional dysfunction. I don't know if Biff and George started working with each other right out of high school or if they came to work those jobs later on, but I'm sure that was a huge factor. It offered no escape from Biff for either George or Lorraine. Just a predictable cycle of George having to do whatever Biff told him, Biff invading their home whenever he pleased, and everyone having to watch George immediately tuck his tail between his legs.

As I said, I think things gradually kind of unraveled in their house. As the state of their family became more solidified, Lorraine likely began drinking more and withdrawing. I do think they still had their good days, though! Moments that brought them together and where they felt that happiness they once shared (I mean, they had three children together, and it's clear Dave, Linda, and Marty ARE loved and were raised well.) But the state of the McFly household is probably all Marty has known for the majority of his life. I can see situations arising where maybe Dave has told him, "They weren't always like this, you know."

Dysfunctional as they are, George and Lorraine really are trying. I think they can absolutely see the cracks and the flaws—perhaps even the potential damage being caused to their children—but they just have too much brokeness inside themselves to do better. So, they do what they can, which for George involves trying to protect his children's feelings by discouraging them from taking risks. He doesn't want them hurt or sad or disappointed, and his solution is to have them form shells around themselves. Better to save yourself from all the headaches life brings.

Lorraine does her best to protect and guide her kids by way of warning them away from the very things that brought her to where she is in life. We see this manifest in the form of criticism mostly when she's talking to Marty.

Lastly even with Lorraine seeming as downtrodden as she is, I can see her clinging to the possibility of change. Hoping and praying that eventually, George would say enough was enough and stand up for himself. He'd put his foot down, step up as a husband and father, and things would become what she always wanted. She was the one always telling herself, "Someday. Someday..." until the point we see her at during the dinner scene, where she knows that "someday" isn't going to ever happen. Things are just the way they are, and she has to deal with it.

This was a lot, but I have a lot of feelings about the McFly family and how they operated in their day to day life. Especially the implications of the McFly sibs (Marty in particular!) being raised in such an emotionally disjointed environment. Ugh, those gifs of Lorraine make me so sad. The whole thing is sad.

Thanks for the ask, though! I want to write another Twin Pines McFly fic now.

#asks #back to the future #bttf #no but i could write a whole series of posts on Twin Pines McFlys #and how just that one short scene displays such a sad‚ tense home life #no cohesion. no true connection #checked out dad and depressed mom #& their oldest son who doesn't seem to have his footing in life‚ daughter who feels isolated & frustrated with a lack of social life #& youngest child who's anxious & so incredibly sensitive to rejection & feels directionless & has exactly one (1) stable adult in his life #growing up in that environment does things to you!!#and then Marty is thrown into a Better Timeline with very stable and well adjusted parents but he still was raised with the dysfunction!!#that's still part of him!!! how does he cope!!!!??#losing my mind eric stoltz was right about the ending!!!

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cult-of-the-eye · 5 months

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MAG 86 here we goooo

Ok so I actually listened to this like a few days ago but I never got round to looking at the transcript but HERE I AM

God this is the blanket never did anything one

He says tucked in so fucking menacingly like Jesus Christ man

TIM MY LOVE

I can't get that one post out of my head that says how Tim was the furthest from being taken by the Eye cause he keeps tripping up on pronunciations and stuff in statements that other archival staff wouldnt honestly it's such a genius take

Oh shit this is getting really long I'll add in a read more

God I love how he's rebelling in every sense, he's doing the bare minimum, he's literally warning people away from it

It's kind of interesting the way he always thought the statement stuff was stupid but in the whole of season one and a lot of season two he managed to hide his distaste pretty well, like even when he lashed out at Jon about the Prentiss incident, he still didn't say that the statements were stupid, but he's saying it behind his back - maybe some part of him knew that Jon needed the statements to work and some part of him still felt for him enough to not point that out

He's kinda dramatic with it as well but I feel like in more of a self aware way than jon

You can feel his distaste honestly the statement just sounds wrong coming from him, which is interesting cause I didn't think that about when Martin did it

So he's mad at the fact that he put effort into a job that he wasn't even that comfortable with in the first place and now he's trapped in? Not about the monsters??

Jesus Christ Tim being a bit of a dick to melanie

HE BLAMES MARTIN????? Damn bro you weren't there how could you tell he didn't do it properly??

I think he's mad at himself for not being there and deflecting it on to martin

She likes that it's quiet!!! That's cute

Martin's not big on change AH neurodivergent vibes

All the archival staff are literally queer and neurodivergent you can't change my mind

Also the fact that he thinks that's the biggest reason why martin doesn't want Melanie around, not the Horrors and the same reason as Tim

I think Tim is refusing to think that Martin might see the situation in the same way as him because if he does then it means Tim's way of dealing might not be the best way and that's an unacceptable thought to him

Suspicious and resentful - my man is self aware I think he knows the way his path is going (hurtling towards destruction) but is too stuck shaking his fist at god to try and get out or he's sort of known his whole life that this is where he was supposed to end up, a terrible fate created by his own two hands that dug their own way down to rock bottom and he's just so tired of trying to do anything about it that he's just accepted it

SASHA OH GOD

Wow seeing firsthand the effects of the stranger, the way neither Tim nor Melanie can remember the real Sasha, but Tim has to live with the fact that he didn't notice and Melanie has to live with the fact that she did, but can't prove it

WHO AM I EVEN SAD FOR

AUGH I THOUGHT SOMEONE MADE THAT UP I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS CANON OH GOD

He lost his FRIEND and he DIDN'T REALISE and he STILL DOESN'T KNOW THE WHOLE TRUTH AUGH

Oh I wonder why he left the tape running? I'd think he would've forgotten to turn it off but if so I feel like he'd have that shocked moment of remembering which he didn't

Maybe he wanted proof of the conversation? Maybe it was a warning to anyone listening to the tapes? See firsthand how terrible it is at the Magnus Institute so you don't work here? I dunno

Ha I had to ask my lovely mutual @melandrops to explain what a marker was

Oh god honestly this statement fucked me up I completely understand why people hate it I hate it

I was so scared of the dark as a kid and the idea of being reduced to that state of lack of awareness and vulnerability is actually terrifying

Also the dude dying in the blanket???? Ew ew ew

Love the fact that tma doesn't just go with a oh shit I forgot a torch so it was pitch black kinda horror but the I brought a torch, I even brought spare batteries but it still did nothing which in my opinion is even scarier

Oh god her whispering the blanket never did anything that was horrifying

Melanie was actually so good at giving the statement girl really got into it

I was also talking to @melandrops about archivist!Melanie cause I think that would be really interesting... she'd definitely bring a more proactive vibe to the role...

It's interesting to think that Melanie and Jon hated each other at first sort of because they're so alike? It's like the we are made of the same stuff (derogatory)

Love how she just checks out the dead guy

The way she's denying it even though she's literally had paranormal experiences before that's so Jon core she would be a great archivist

JON????

Oh shit I just realised he's labelled as Archivist...when did that happen??

That's so funny he's like bitch maybe I do have reason to kill you

Hmm nice touch of Melanie being like do you guys not want me cause I'm a girl?? Is this misogyny??? Good guess but unfortunately it's worse

It's quite nice that Jon's trying to save her even though the meetings about helping him and her quitting would mean he'd lose the one informant he might have in the institute

Shot in the leg by a ghost in India????

Ha Tim hates you and Martin's probably being watched

Love how Tim's hatred for Jon is so visceral and known that they don't even bother watching him

I bet Elias would delight in knowing about Martin's little crush on Jon and how Jon actually hated him in season one and then how their relationship progresses he'd thrive on the drama and the angst the little bastard

Ok ok it's good that he's on the right track, he guesses it was elias

Wait the whole murder was on tape... WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT TAPE??? DID ELIAS TAKE IT??? COULD IT BE USED AS EVIDENCE???

YES MELANIE IS BEING CAUGHT UP (info style) BUT ALSO NO MELANIE IS BEING CAUGHT UP (web style)

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corrodedseraphine · 11 months

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have mercy on me | #4 before you go

pairing: eddie munson x fem!reader

chapter summary: When your emotions calm down you realize how much you miss him but Eddie always disappears before you can take any step. All this time, he has been the one trying to do everything to keep your paths from parting permanently, but now it's your turn to take matters into your own hands.

the story is also avaliable on ao3

previous chapter | masterlist | eddie munson masterlist | general masterlist

Here we are! The end! At first I didn't expect that so many people would be interested in this story, you don't even know how your interactions with it make me feel happy. Thank you all so much, for every, even the smallest gesture showing your support! I hope you will enjoy this ending!

Unworthy. You would never think you would hate a word. You hated the sound of his voice when he said it. So broken. So weak. Lost in your own pain, it didn't even cross your mind that the always smiling Eddie could in fact be his own greatest tormentor. He punished himself far more than you did. He didn't need you at all to make him realize how big a mistake he had made.

You thought about what was before all this. Did he think of himself that way then, too? Did he hate himself so much already then that he thought he didn't deserve anything good? Did he think of himself as someone worthless even at that time? Why did he never say anything? Why did you never even allow yourself to think that he was his own worst enemy?

You felt terrible. You failed him. You failed as the friend you thought you were for so long, and that hurt even more than your broken heart.

From the moment of your conversation, Eddie disappeared completely from your life. There were no more notes, cookies or funny riddles and silly attempts to make you smile. He hardly ever showed up at school, and if he did he kept to the shadows, not wanting to draw anyone's attention to himself. Everyone was shocked when, for another week in a row, no one heard the loud speeches made on the cafeteria table or the insults hurled at Jason and his gang. Eddie Munson's flame was extinguished, leaving behind only a soft gray smoke.

When your first performance was a success and people loved you, you were invited to The Soul stage more often. Each time you could see his pale face with watered eyes at the end of the hall at a table in the corner. Nevertheless, when you glanced there while singing there was always a gentle, slightly sad smile on his face, and whenever you saw it something clenched at your heart.

You missed him. Day by day you were more and more sure that the pain he caused you then was no match for the one you feel when he is not in your life. The void he left behind is like a dark abyss from which there is no way out. Every day you thought about all this. After countless conversations with Robin, you decided to believe him that everything was over between him and Chrissy, Steve, on his part, thought you should give him a chance to at least try to make things right. That was the end of your self-pity. Both of you have suffered a lot through this situation and it's time to end it. It was time to fight for at least a little happiness in your lives.

You were just finishing the last song when you looked into the corner of the room. He was still sitting there with the same smile as always. This time you tried to make eye contact, from which he did not escape. Taking a deep breath without announcement, you began to play the melody of the new song.

I fell by the wayside, like everyone else I hate you, I hate you, I hate you But I was just kidding myself Our every moment, I start to replace 'Cause now that they're gone All I hear are the words that I needed to say

When you hurt under the surface Like troubled water running cold Well, time can heal, but this won't

So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go

Was never the right time, whenever you called Went little, by little, by little until there was nothing at all Our every moment, I start to replay But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face

When you hurt under the surface Like troubled water running cold Well, time can heal, but this won't

So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather

So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go

Would we be better off by now If I'd let my walls come down? Maybe, I guess we'll never know You know, you know

Before you go Was there something I could've said To make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go

You felt powerless. You couldn't force him to start appearing in your life again, apparently he didn't want that. Maybe he realized that he didn't really want you that way? You wanted to accept that your path together had come to an end, but you couldn't. Eddie Munson was a part of your heart, and you still hoped he hadn't given up. All this time you were afraid to take the first step even though you knew you should. You knew that in some way you should show that you missed him, that you didn't want him to give up on you, but you couldn't. All these weeks you were blocked, but tonight you hoped that he would understand the message. That he would understand that even though there is a gap between you, you might be able to build a bridge. You wanted him to understand how bad you felt about not noticing his self-destructive thoughts poisoning his perspective on himself and those around him. You hoped that tonight you would be able to talk before he left.

You didn't. After the show was over, you quickly left the stage, but he was no longer at the table, as always. He always disappeared when you finished playing. You ran outside the building hoping to catch him, but it was too late. He was gone. Eddie Munson disappeared from your life, at your own request leaving a burden and regret on your heart.

"Y/n I'm begging you, you have to talk to me because I'm about to go crazy." said Robin entering your room together with Steve. "Help us understand you!"

"How can I help you if I don't understand myself?!" This was one of the moments when you couldn't stand yourself. When you wanted at least for a few hours to become someone else entirely, or just like that, to disappear and be reborn. "At first I hated him for what he did, I couldn't look at him! It hurt so much when he chose her over me! Then- Then I started to miss him, and he did everything so that I wouldn't forget him, and it worked, because I couldn't, I still can't! When I finally dealt with my stupid broken heart and realized that some part of me wanted to forgive him and wanted him back he said all those things that opened my eyes, Robin. He suffered all the time, probably much more than I did, because while I was thinking about how I didn't deserve to be treated this way he was telling himself all the time that he deserved everything worst!" that sentence by sentence you spoke faster and faster, you could hardly catch your breath. "He went back to her because he thought this was the love he deserved. It wasn't even love! She treated him like trash and he thought that was the best thing that could happen to him? Holy shit how could I have missed all this? How could I be so blind?"

"Hey, don't blame yourself for that, none of us knew. He hid the whole thing too well." said Steve sitting down next to you on the bed. "He was scared of what you were able to give him. For the first time in his entire life, he found someone who wasn't ashamed of him. Someone who loved him back and that scared him."

"Do you think that he loved me?" you asked quietly.

"Of course he did! How could he not?" Robin said, sitting down on the other side. "He got scared and chose the worst possible option. No matter how much I want to strangle him for causing you all this pain, I will hardly admit that dingus is right. He deserves a chance to explain himself and try to make things right."

"But he doesn't even want a second chance anymore! He's made up his mind, I can't force him to start caring again!" you grabbed a pillow and hid your face in it.

"You're not going to suffocate yourself on my watch." Steve said snatching the pillow out of your hand.

"Last time after the show I wanted to talk to him, I really wanted to make the first move but before I could get off the stage he was gone. I don't understand how from the point where I couldn't look at him now I can't stand knowing he's not with me. I feel like a psycho."

"Maybe you never really wanted him to leave? He hurt you, and that's why your emotions were running through you, now that they've calmed down a bit you just miss him."

"You're not crazy, you're just in love, and that sometimes makes a person the biggest weirdo in the world." Robin laughed lightly while resting her head on your shoulder.

"What should I do now?" you sighed leaning your head against hers.

"All this time he's been the one taking the initiative, maybe it's time for you to do it?" suggested Steve.

"But how? I can't just walk up to him at school, I have no idea how this is all going to end, and drama in front of everyone is the last thing I need. Going to his trailer is also out...It would be too much. It would feel like I was invading his safety zone."

"I have an idea." Robin stood up. "As far as not being a big fan of such events," she rolled her eyes. "I'm able to make an exception for you. There's a big party tomorrow at Lucy Moore's house, a big house full of kids who have pockets stuffed with their parents' money, Eddie definitely won't pass up the opportunity to enrich himself."

"It's a really good idea, even if things don't go too well everyone around will be too drunk or high to register anything, besides, Robin and I will be around."

"I don't know..." you said uncertainly. Is a party where most of the school will be there a good idea? Not really. But did you have any better? Of course not.

When you arrived the party was already in full swing, with hardly anyone paying attention to you, for which you were grateful. Some people were dancing in the living room, others were playing beer pong or arranging competitions in who would drink more, others were making out on the stairs, the couch and other available places in the house. Typical. You and your friends headed toward the kitchen to pour yourself something to drink hoping that the alcohol would loosen you up a bit and help you overcome the paralyzing fear you felt at the very thought of confronting him.

Time passed, and you didn't feel the slightest bit more confident. You had already had two drinks and were just about to start a third, just watching him walk down the hallway from time to time, come out of the bathroom or enter the room with one of the members of the basketball team, who after a while contentedly came out and stuffed something in his pocket. Noticing him going out into the garden you walked away from Robin and went in the same direction. You've got this. Repeating these words in your mind you took one last gulp and stepped outside.

The cold wind was a shock to you compared to the heat that was inside. You noticed him sitting on a plastic chair with his head raised toward the sky. Slowly approaching him you sat down near the chair on the grass without a word. Trying to find the right words to start a conversation, you began to open your mouth only to close it immediately. Eddie registered your presence yet still did not take his eyes off the stars, afraid that this conversation might end like the previous ones. Nothing more than pain and tears. Both of you were sick of it.

"How drunk are you?" he asked after a moment of awkward silence.

"Three drinks." you answered quietly.

"One more and your inner dancer will wake up." he chuckled. Whenever you drank together he joked that around the fourth drink you always wanted to dance.

"I want to talk to you Eddie." you changed the subject. "I want to talk to you, but I have no idea what to say, where to start."

Finally he looked at you, sitting with your legs crossed on the grass in the moonlight and garden lights you looked beautiful. Almost to the point of being unreal. It seemed unreal that you had come here to talk to him. But even if it was just a product of his imagination to cope with a broken heart he decided to surrender to it. He got up from his chair and sat down next to you, so that your knees were touching.

"I love you." he said knocking you out of rhythm.

"W-what?" The shock on your face didn't surprise him. He himself didn't expect that today would be the first time he would tell you such a thing.

"I realized that in all this time I haven't told you this once. And you should know it. You should also know that it was thanks to you that I understood what love is and what it should look like. Without looking at how things ended between us, the fact that it hurts so much at least reminds us that it was real, doesn't it?" He turned his face toward you. He was so close, at your fingertips. He was weak. He was weak when your eyes shone more beautifully than the sky above you, when a strand of hair fell charmingly on your face, when your lips looked so delicately beautiful, when your scent which he had not smelled for so long crept into his system intoxicating him. He felt helpless. He missed you so much, craved your presence so much, couldn't help himself when he finally had you so close to him. No wonder this confession escaped from his lips. As soon as he felt your proximity all defense mechanisms shut down leaving his heart unprotected, if you decide to tear it apart - he will let you. Now only lovesick feeling for you controlled him.

He slowly raised his hand to push a strand of hair away from your face. It was just an excuse for his fingers to gently brush your skin. You stared at him with slightly parted lips. Your gaze wandered from his eyes to his lips and back again. "I really love you y/n..." he whispered. He didn't expect any response or reaction from you, but under the excitement you brought your face closer to his by resting your foreheads against each other. His hand stopped on your cheek, which he stroked with his thumb. One more step forward. One more step. You thought. You wanted it. You wanted his closeness, you needed it. At that moment, nothing else mattered to you but that one tiny step forward. Before you go, Eddie. Before the cruel reality catches up with you. As if reading your mind, Eddie took a deep breath and his hand moved from your cheek to under your chin. He slowly lifted it with his finger and... And just when you thought that this one step forward was taken and the gap between you would disappear you heard the door slam and you jumped away from each other.

"What the fuck Eddie?!" It was Chrissy. "An hour ago you were fucking me in the bathroom and now you're kissing her in the garden? What is wrong with you?!" Her words were like a powerful punch in the stomach. Confused, you started to get up from the ground looking between the two of them. Eddie got up right behind you.

"She's lying, I haven't had a single word with her all evening! You have to trust me!" he began to explain. He couldn't believe what was happening.

"You asshole!" She walked towards him, and slapped him in the face. He looked at her in disbelief while holding his sore cheek. How far could she go to destroy him?

"I- I need a minute." You said and quickly went back to the house.

"What the hell was that?" he shouted. His nerves were racing, he was unable to stay calm in this situation. Once again, he had lost you. Once again because of her.

"I didn't say a word to you all evening! Why did you lie, why did you do it?!" He didn't care that someone might hear him.

"I told you that you would regret it." she said looking at his desperate face with a victorious smile on her lips.

"You fucking-"

"Go away Chrissy." Steve's voice suddenly reached them. She just shrugged her shoulders and went back inside slamming the door behind her.

"I didn't do it! damn it I've been avoiding her like hell all evening! I didn't do anything, you have to believe me!" Panicky he couldn't control the storm that was building up inside him. "Fuck!" he yelled, hitting the wall of the house with his fist. The pain in his hand was still nothing.

"I know!" Steve shouted back. "I heard everything, when y/n ran out she didn't close the door behind her, I know you didn't do anything!"

"But she doesn't know that! She won't believe me again, and it was so close, for a second I thought that maybe... that maybe it can still be fixed." He slumped against the wall burying his face in his hands. He didn't care about anything anymore. He crumbled into pieces that could not be picked up.

"But she'll find out, I'll tell her, I'm on your side Eddie." Steve crouched in front of him putting a hand on his shoulder wanting to give him comfort.

"How many times do I have to watch her slipping through my fingers, Steve?" he cried. "How many ficking times? I can't stand it anymore. I love her. I love her, and watching her walk away every time kills me. I can't stand it anymore!" If anyone had told him that he would ever cry his heart out in front of King Steve he would have laughed at him. He would have said that he would rather die than let someone like Steve see his tears. It seemed even crazier that King Steve would comfort him. But here they were. In a situation no one would ever believe.

"Try to calm down okay? And wait here. Just wait." Harrington quickly got up and rushed toward the door.

You and Robin were standing by the car.

"Thank God you're here." Robin said as he ran up to you.

"She lied. You have to go back there, nothing happened between him and Chrissy, I heard everything, I heard her admitting it." he said on one exhale.

"But..." you started.

"Go!" Robin didn't let you finish your sentence. "Just go there!"

You immediately ran into the garden looking everywhere. It was empty. You entered the house and searched every possible room, unfortunately without success. Once again, he disappeared.

He was right. What he felt when Chrissy first broke his heart was nothing compared to how he felt now. Everything was once again falling into ruins. It crushed him to the ground and he no longer had the strength to even try to stand up. There was no point in trying to fight the merciless waves. He resigned himself to it and let the water slowly flood his lungs as he slowly and calmly sank to the bottom, where he thought his place was. He didn't leave his room for the next two days, unless necessary. Eating, listening to music and sleeping. These three activities were repeated over and over again, feeling pure hate for himself. He completely didn't expect what happened on the third day.

Wayne was just getting ready to leave for work when he heard a knock on the door. Surprised, he stared at the skinny girl standing on the stairs with an awkward smile.

"Can I help you?" he tried to recall all of Eddie's friends but couldn't recall a freckled face anywhere. A thought flashed through his head whether it was Chrissy. He was even more surprised when behind her back he saw an insanely expensive BMW belonging to Harrington.

"Good evening Sir! My name is Robin, I'm a y/n's friend." she explained seeing his still puzzled expression. The old man was relieved to hear that it wasn't Chrissy.

"What's wrong?"

"Could you please give this to Eddie?" she said pulling a walkman and cassette from her bag. Wayne just sighed moving his gaze from the object to the car. How much longer will you avoid the conversation? Should he really interject? He slowly found it hard to stand seeing his nephew in such a mess anymore. "Is she here?" he finally asked.

"Y-yeah, in the car."

"Can I talk to her?"

"I guess."

The man put on his shoes and with a slow step he and Robin approached the car. At the mere sight of Wayne you felt your palms sweating from nerves. Was he here to tell you to stay away from Eddie?

"Nice to see you." he said, smiling slightly as you got out of the car.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here and sent Robin, it was stupid..." you said feeling increasingly embarrassed by your idea.

"You're right, sending your friend was not a good idea." he nodded causing you to feel even worse. "But it's good that you are here." Your surprised look made him chuckle. "Listen kid, whatever happened between you two...I know it's hard, but seriously I think whatever is on that tape he should get it from you."

"He doesn't want to see me." you said quietly staring at the ground.

"Did he tell you that?"

"No, but-"

"No buts. If he didn't tell you that you should at least try. Come on. Your friends can wait in the living room."

"No, we'll wait in the car." Robin said quickly. "Go." She handed you a walkman and the tape.

With small steps you followed Wayne to the trailer feeling the bundle of nerves in your stomach clench much tighter the closer you got. When Wayne knocked on the door of Eddie's room you felt like you were going to faint.

"You have a guest, son." he said.

"Tell them I'm not here." Eddie muttered into the pillow lying with his back toward the door.

"Come on kid, at least see who came." Wayne was adamant.

"I don't feel like talking to ANYONE," he replied annoyed. "Whoever it is and whatever they want must wait." He covered himself with a blanket.

"She can't wait and she won't wait." He did not let up on his nephew's childish behavior. "I'm letting her into your room right now."

Before Eddie had time to react in any way you stepped uncertainly into the room and Wayne closed the door behind you. Nothing had changed since the last time you were here. You turned your attention to the small framed photo that stood on the nightstand next to his bed, at the sight of it you felt a sting in your heart. You were so happy then, and now you felt even desperate to get that happiness back.

Your breathing became more and more uneven and loud. You clenched your hands around the objects in them until your knuckles turned white.

"Eddie." Your voice was tiny, shaking with insecurity and despair.

You were the last person he expected to be here. With a quick movement, he pulled the blanket off himself and sat down on the bed, turning so that he was facing you. "What are you doing here?" he asked. You couldn't figure out what was hiding behind the tone of his voice.

"I'm sorry." you replied. "I wanted to give you something, I know you don't want to see me anymore, but I thought you might want to listen." You stretched your shaking hands out in front of you.

He took the tape from you, which he immediately put into the walkman looking at you with questioning eyes. "I'm not supposed to be here...but your uncle convinced me that I should tell you this in person. Maybe even tell you straight to your eyes everything what's on the tape..." the lump in your throat grew. "Or maybe I should go now, sorry. You don't have to listen to it if you don't want to, you can just throw it out right away." You turned toward the door.

"Stay." You couldn't read any emotion in his voice, it scared you. "Please." His big dark eyes rested on you with a pleading gaze.

He put on the headphones yet did not dare to click play. He had no idea what to expect there, and from your behavior all he could infer was that you were nervous. Preparing himself mentally for the next punch, he took a deep breath and looked in your direction. You stood against the wall without taking your eyes off him. For the first time in his life he saw you so unsure of yourself, nervously plucking the cuticles around your nails as you shifted your weight from one leg to the other. "Wanna sit down?" he asked. You slowly walked over to the bed and sat on the edge of it and began nervously shaking your leg. You always did that when you were nervous, he wanted to put his hand on your knee as he used to do at such moments but this time he had to restrain himself. He still didn't know what he was about to hear. Finally, he pressed the button.

"Eddie, first of all I'd like to apologize for doing it this way, but I don't know if we'll ever have a chance to talk again, and I still have some things to say. Every time I try to make this move you disappear, so this time I ask you to listen, before you go." He stared blankly at the carpet. "You hurt me. But I also failed you, I failed you as a friend because I never noticed what was happening to you, the fact that you could barely handle yourself. I want to apologize to you for that. I hope you can forgive me someday." He pressed his lips into a thin line and closed his eyes. Once again, he felt himself falling apart, but he wanted to hold back the tears. "Our situation is difficult. But after these weeks, I know that I can't stand it when you are not in my life. I can't explain it, I don't understand myself, I don't know what do I want, I feel insane, but one thing I am sure of..." there was a long pause in the recording. "I love you, too. I should have answered you right away, but I would never have expected to hear them from your mouth. I believe that everything is over between you and Chrissy, I'm ready to believe you will never hurt me like that again, and I'm ready to fight to rebuild the happiness we had. Of course, if you want it too. I believe that the two of us can do it. Now, if you haven't had enough of listening to me, this is not the end of my message, thank you for getting to this point." Then the first sounds of the piano sounded.

You were the raging storm that wrecked A beautiful mind I can't forget Knew from the moment that we met I'd take you home But now that the future's so unclear Have all of your feelings disappeared? 'Cause I'm in no kind of frame of mind to let you go

Hope, have you some that I can borrow? 'Cause I've been so low And the weight of all the world's a heavy load Keep me going 'til tomorrow 'Cause I just don't know If I can face another day alone

Well, my lungs don't breathe And my heart don't beat And I can't believe in any kind of life without you here And I can't move on 'Cause it feels so wrong No, I just don't want any kind of life without you, dear

Are there any words that I could say? I'm feeling our moment fade away In a matter of hours, we'll be drowning in the waves And all of the memories that we shaped We're leaving behind here in my wake If we can save the good we gave, we shouldn't wait

Hope, have you some that I can borrow? 'Cause I just don't know If I can face another day alone

Now you're not here, I can't explain The carousel of my constant pain I'm not sure that I can hold on anymore Became a victim of circumstance Should have said when I had the chance I don't want any kind of life without you here

"I still want you in my life Eddie. I need you, so if you only want to, if you only let me...Maybe we can put it all together."

Silence. A painful silence fell between the two of you. Somewhere in the middle of the recording, Eddie hid his face in his hands and hasn't changed position since. Only after a while you noticed the slight movement of his shoulders and heard the quiet sniffles of his nose.

"Eddie, don't cry please." you said, unable to control your tears yourself. Did you just make everything worse? Not being able to bear it, you got up quickly and walked over to him, and then you knelt down in front of him placing your hand on his knee.

"I am so sorry, Eddie, please."

He wiped his face with the sleeve of the sweatshirt he was wearing and looked at you. Your eyes glistened with tears making them look even more beautiful.

"W-what if I hurt you again?" he asked between breaths.

"And what if I let you down or hurt you once again?" you replied wiping your tears with the top of your hand. "I've been thinking about it for days without stopping, the risk is huge, but it's worth everything that could be between us." you grasped his hand firmly. "We will still make many mistakes, but we can always learn to deal with them. Together."

Within seconds he was beside you on the floor taking you in his arms. Without thinking much you embraced him cuddling your face into his neck. "I love you." you said. He felt his neck get wet with your tears. "I love you too, so damn much." he replied squeezing you even tighter. You were now forming one big crying mess, but you didn't mind. The security and comfort the two of you now found in each other's arms was worth every tear. "I'll do my best to fix it, I promise." he muttered into your hair then kissed the top of your head. "Together."

Although the road home seemed unimaginably long, your paths merged into one again. The one that would take you together to the end of the world and one step further.

taglist: @i-me-mine @phantypurple @chrissymjstan @sidthedollface2 @bakugouswh0r3 @tlclick73 @aysheashea @1paire2vans @mmunson86 @emma77645 @obsessivelycraftygothfandomwitch

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eflen-n-reegee · 6 months

Text

Caregiver Missy Headcanons (Doctor Who)

Missy can be a bit condescending towards you, but in a way which often helps you feel younger. “Oh, you can’t do that, little thing. You’re much too small.”

She can play any instrument, and often plays Gallifreyan music for you. She insists it doesn’t sound right on these Earth instruments, but you’ve never heard such interesting music.

The woman made a weapon out of leaves; as long as she has access to materials, you will always have new toys.

(And she makes other things for you too! A levitation machine so you can hover around, a star projector powered by an actual star, a camera that captures moving images (think gifs) instead of static pictures - the list goes on!)

Instead of bedtime stories, she tells you all about the various alien species she’s met (and defeated).

She can escape from any cage or restraint, and enjoys showing off her Houdini-esque skills, much to your delight.

“Say please”? Nah - “Say something nice”!

She is a TERRIBLE influence when it comes to kid logic; the most ridiculous ideas always sound great to her. Wanna roll in the mud and then lay in the sun? Sounds awesome! Wanna go overthrow a civilization? She’ll get you a crown!

She loves to show off her “impression” of the Doctor, which involves a lot of glaring and brown-nosing and alleged selflessness; and it always makes you giggle.

But she also often tells you stories about the things he’s done. She always seems a little sad when she tells these stories, but she gets an odd delight in her voice as well; like she’s been waiting a long time to tell someone about his accomplishments.

#Eflen writes #Eflen headcanons #Doctor Who agere #Doctor Who age regression #Missy agere #Missy age regression #sfw age regression #sfw agere #age regression headcanons #caregiver headcanons

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euryvices · 2 months

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mlw relationships are killing some women's souls, and we need to change that

gosh, let me preface this by saying I love men. men are absolutely the cutest, when they're good to the people i love. I love men when they talk about their obscure, weird interests or they talk about their mainstream interests like baseball. I love the light in their eyes when they get excited, and that cute little hand thing they do.

genuinely, i adore men. but one man in particular has earned my ire.

i was talking to my het sister today, about love and relationships. she's been in a long term relationship for almost four years now, and she's going to get out of it soon. me, being an inexperienced (probably lesbian) kid, I ask her about men, and what it's like to be loved by one. she tells me, "oh you know, men are great, except from when you want to be loved for who you are." And she just...laughs. I don't think she even notices my heart is quite literally breaking. This is the world we're in, guys. My older sister, who drew on walls and planned her wedding before the age of ten, who knows all the words to the scooby doo theme song and eats chocolate cake with her bare hands...does not know what it's like to be loved for who she is.

I didn't understand at first.

Because lesbians, and bi women, and just women/queer people loving women in general love so desperately. we love our partners not for how they look, but for who they are. and yes, maybe im speaking from a naive place, but that doesn't change the fact that women/enbies don't view each other like men do. not to romanticise wlw relationships so terribly, but it's just so different with us. My sister tells me about the times her boyfriend, Danny, has forgotten her birthday, Dannys cheating on her, or throwing her against a wall on their anniversary - with all the caustic numbness of a trampled upon snail. She has not been loved by any of the men she has dared love.

Obviously, mlw relationships cannot be exactly like wlw relationships. But it just, hurts. It hurts that my sister, who is genuinely one of the most dynamic people i know, who is the aphrodite of small town casinos and cheap gin, who is always holding the bullet instead of biting it - is not being loved for who she is. She knows that she is being loved for being a warm body, not for the warmth her body can hold.

He, as far as I can see, was a good person. He showed up to family events with flowers for our mom and a toy for the baby...but it just goes to show you how different things can be behind closed doors. She told me, "his passive aggressive comments always stuck with me. i even started worrying about my weight!" which, if you know my sister, should be absolutely absurd. She literally looks like a model (don't tell her I said that or her head'll get so big we'd have to keep her chained to the floor). She is one of the prettiest women ever, regardless of her weight. She told me that at one point she was almost ready to starve herself. Meanwhile, this pathetic apology of biochemical reactions has had the nerve to cheat on her, laugh at her, make rude comments and still show up to every family event with a bouquet in hand.

And it's changed her.

it's not fair. So, Danny, if you're reading this by chance you sad sack of mutilated deer dick - fuck you. Fuck you for taking my passionate-about-life, kind to the druggies outside our shitty school, full of life sister - and making her someone who tiptoes around you. Someone who's given up on being herself because you've changed her.

The worst part is that it's not even an isolated event. This happens to women all over the world. So many sparks have been lost to careless hands.

To men everywhere : don't date women you don't actually love. Don't search for someone else in the girl you're dating. Don't treat her wrong, and start actively figuring out what hurts you instead of expecting her to do the emotional labour allllll the time.

And do not ever make your girl feel bad about herself. I'll be watching, and I have a bat and an angry horde of bisexual at my side.

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azures-bazar · 1 year

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Let’s do headcannons with Sadie, Arthur, Charles, Mary beth, Karen and Dutch reacting to fem s/o that has such a hilarious funny laugh. When she laughs it sounds like a crow mixed with a seagull XD she can’t help having such a crazy laugh and one day she cackles so loudly that the people in Valentine could hear it. What would their reaction be?

Headcanon - Peculiar Laugh - Female!Reader

Hey there anon ! Thank you for your request ! Having a very strange laugh myself, I couldn't relate more to this lol

I apologize in advance for all character inaccuracies and grammar mistakes, as always :')

I'm also really sorry for being this late, things are not going so well at my job so I kinda struggle at the moment to keep up with my usual writing pace, but I'll be back on track soon ! <3

Request : Female!Reader

Characters : Arthur Morgan, Sadie Adler, Charles Smith, Dutch Van der Linde Mary-Beth Gaskill, Karen Jones

Relationship : Romantic, settled

Lines : From 8 to 10 per character

Arthur Morgan :

You were cleaning your riffle with Tilly after a long day on guard duty, talking about some common stuff you both enjoy. You even get to talk about Arthur, who is sitting nearby, drawing something in his journal… but then, out of the blue, Tilly asks you a very strange question. "If a cougar and a cat could reproduce, would their kids be huge or average-sized cats ?".

At first, you don’t really understand what Tilly just said, so you just shrug. Her question is genuinely interesting to think about, but your brain processes it as a very good joke, causing you to start chuckling. What the hell was going on in her mind ? The more you think about that question, the louder you laugh. And Tilly follows.

Arthur quickly rises from his spot to glance around when he first hears your peculiar laugh. Of course, he had already seen you chuckling and was somewhat surprised by the noise you could make, but he never heard you roar with laughter. "What the hell was that ?" he mumbles. He quickly drops his journal in his satchel and puts his hand on his gun, walking closer to the noise. What if it was an attack ?

He spots you laughing with Miss Tilly, who can’t hold back her tears while you’re nearly suffocating. In fact, the way you’re laughing is so amusing that even Arthur can’t help but chuckle at this lovely sight of his sister and his adorable lady having a good time !

Being a protective bear, Arthur instinctively takes both your riffles away before Tilly is called by Ms. Grimshaw to help her clean the camp’s round table. "Lemme take ‘em riffles, ladies." he chuckles as he calmly puts your weapons on the ground. You can’t stop laughing, still thinking about Tilly’s peculiar question. What if ? Indeed, what if ? Arthur quickly gets you some water in a cup, but you can’t drink it just yet.

Arthur progressively looses it what watching you go further and further into an endless hilarity. He still chuckles, trying to understand what made you start laughing like this, but you can barely explain it. You can’t even breathe properly ! "Well, I don’t know what you girls were talkin’ ‘bout, but it sure was fun !" Arthur giggles.

You try your best to keep breathing, but can’t stop laughing, even if Arthur begs you to calm down a little. He tries his best to hold himself from laughing out loud with you, believing the rest of the gang would think he’s crazy, or that the Pinkertons would find you. He’s somewhat ashamed of his laugh, which is terribly sad. "Stop laughing, Y/N… please…" he giggles as tears start streaming on his face, rubbing your shoulders.

While you try taking a deep breath, your voice suddenly turns into the exact same noise a crow would make… and this is what causes Arthur to start laughing with you. He just gives in, your laugh is too fun for him to remain stern-faced ! Not even the toughest of Dutch’s men can resist this funny laugh that is yours !

The more you laugh, the more he laughs. He just adores the overall noise you’re currently making. It’s so hilarious ! Your laugh is so peculiar, so fun to hear… looking at you trying to calm yourself down only makes him love you more. His amusement perfectly matches the total adoration he vows you.

It takes you quite a while to stop laughing, and Arthur almost feels a little sad that this moment has to come to an end. "Your laugh is funny, Y/N… You’re quite a strange lady…!" he tells you before dropping a sweet kiss on your forehead. This event causes him to write a new entry in his journal, describing your laugh as a "strange combination between a crow and a seagull which probably had a few drinks.".

Sadie Adler :

Your day is so boring ! You just want to do something relevant, apart from washing clothes or cleaning tables while some gang members are out there having fun ! So you’re tasked to help Mr. Pearson to chop some vegetables. Leeks, for instance. At least, it’s more entertaining than having listen to Ms. Grimshaw’s complaints !

Sadie passes nearby and quickly takes two round slices of the leeks you just chopped, removes the middle part and gets them to her eyes. "Hallo, I’m Herr Strauss !" she jokes, obviously not expecting your reaction. She had seen you so bored that she just wanted to make you smile, and did much more than that.

The single view of a happy Sadie, who doesn’t smile much because of what she has been living, warms your heart… but her childish imitation of Strauss is absolutely worth the watch, causing you to literally drop your knife on the table and start cackling. Loudly.

Sadie never heard you laugh like this. At first, she freezes in place and looks at you trying to calm your breathing. "Wow, didn’t know a seagull was in there !" she chuckles. Her words don’t help you, you’re pretty aware about your peculiar laugh, and you don’t mind it !

Listening to the noise you’re currently making cause you to enter into an infernal circle. You can hear your laugh, and now… you’re literally laughing at yourself, but you can’t stop. And Mrs. Adler, who tries her best to remain calm, hides some early laughs behind her sleeve. She feels so good and relaxed !

As you try breathing, making very strange noises, Sadie looks around while wrapping her arm around your shoulders. People pass by you with wide opened eyes, not only because of this unique laugh they hear, but also because Mrs. Adler is having a good time as well.

"Stop laughin’ or I’m gonna loose it !" she chuckles, not able to keep calm with you the way you cackle. It’s been a while since she didn’t feel something so great, so calming as some sheer happiness. Your laugh, as strange as it sounds, makes her feel really happy.

When Pearson comes back, he immediately dismisses the two of you, which makes you laugh even louder. Everyone looks at your direction, either surprised or amused, and Sadie keeps her arm wrapped around your shoulders. At this moment, if she closes her eyes, she feels like she’s having fun with a literal seagull.

Sadie tries her best to calm you down to allow you to keep breathing, but nothing truly helps. Not even her covering your face with kisses. Nothing really works, but Sadie still resists the idea of bursting out laughing with you. She doesn’t want to suffocate !

After some time, your laughs finally come to an end, allowing you to take a deep and well deserved breath. You look at Sadie, who is giving you a very bright smile. As she tried to make you grin, your laugh made her genuinely happy. And it was definitely worth it, for the two of you.

Charles Smith :

You and Sean were having a drink together by the campfire, somewhere in the middle of the day. MacGuire is already drunk and keeps saying very awkward things, but something really triggers your laughter. "I thought I’d try runnin’ a dating service for chickens, but I’d be strugglin’ to make hens meet.".

This joke is so simple and unexpected that you burst out laughing. Everyone knows that your laugh sounds a little funny, but you never really had the opportunity to start cackling the way you did. People around the hideout literally stop what they are doing to look at you and smile… but not Charles.

When he first hears you laughing, Charles somewhat freezes in place. He nervously looks around the hideout, trying to find the source of such very… peculiar sound. He knows about your laugh, but something in what he heard did not sound right. "I don’t know what animal it is…" he whispers to himself.

Charles instinctively runs towards camp to see if there is any source of danger. Thankfully enough, everyone seems to be calm and quite happy, but this weird sound he can’t recognise can still be heard, causing him to feel a little worried. Is there anyone hurt outside the hideout ? Is that a wounded animal ? Who knows ?

He walks around the hideout to the find the source of such sound, finding you laughing with Sean. He even notices some tears of laughter and smiles. "What did you tell her, MacGuire ?" he asks Sean, but your local Irish Terrier can’t respond, nearly suffocating. He had first laughed at his own joke, but now… he’s laughing because of you.

Let’s be honest, your laugh is contagious. This very strange combination between a seagull and a crow is so unique that nobody can remain stern faced while listening to your laugh. And, despite trying his best to hold himself from doing the same, Charles starts chuckling.

He calmly sits nearby to just look at you. You’re so beautiful when you laugh !… even if it basically sounds like an animal is dying nearby. Charles loves you for what you are, and your laugh, as peculiar as it sounds, only makes him love you more.

Charles sees you suffocating a little because of this endless spiral you slipped into with Sean and starts massaging your shoulders. He still tries his best to hide his chuckles as he’s worried while watching your inability to breathe properly, but gives in and laughs with you. "It’s okay there, darling. Please take a deep breath." he tries telling you between two subtle laughs.

It takes you about five or six minutes to calm down, and Charles is right here, holding you by the shoulders. As Sean leaves to get another beer, you finally get to sigh, being watched over by Mr. Smith who only has eyes on you today.

"Feels good to see you laughing." he says before gently kissing your temple. He wants you to be happy more often and never to hide your peculiar laugh. He loves you so much, and wants you to be the happiest woman on earth. You deserve the world… and the world is not ready to hear your laugh again.

Dutch Van der Linde :

You had a long day and could finally relax by reading a book outside Dutch’s tent. As you thought you picked up one of Evelyn Miller’s works, you unexpectedly stumble upon a book that appears to be… a little erotic. The worst is that you genuinely believe Evelyn Miller wrote this, which causes you to chuckle.

The more you read that book, the more you giggle at your expectations about Evelyn Miller. You start cackling so loud that Dutch, who is out there smoking his cigar, quickly runs towards his tent. He knows about your peculiar laugh, he was first somewhat surprised hear it. But right now, he genuinely thought you had hurt yourself.

"Are you alright, sweet girl ?" he asks you before kneeling down. You can’t stop laughing, causing him to look a little concerned about what triggered your sudden hilarity. He looks around to check if the rest of the gang is alright, it looks like you started laughing because of the book you’re holding in your hands.

You try telling Dutch that you thought Evelyn Miller was the one who wrote that book, but you’re suffocating so much that no clear words but the author’s name come out of your mouth. Dutch takes the book away, a little confused, and reads a few pages.

For a few seconds, he wants to scold you for believing that his favourite author and absolute role model is the one who wrote this erotic book, but the way you’re laughing quickly stops him. You look so sweet when you’re happy ! "Well sorry, dear Y/N, but Mr. Miller didn’t write this book." he smiles.

The more you laugh, the more he wants to laugh with you. He tries his best to remain stern faced, coughing in his sleeve do stop a burst of hilarity you triggered in him. Your peculiar laugh always made him smile, as far as he could remember !

"C’mon Y/N you’re gonna make me laugh and I’ll look ridiculous." he tells you, but you can’t stop. No, you can’t. Still having in mind that Evelyn Miller is the one who wrote this book, your ideas about Dutch worshipping his favourite author makes you loose it. Who would have thought Mr. Van der Linde owns an erotic book anyway ?

At some point, your laugh is so loud that even birds start flying away. Dutch sits besides you and clenches his teeth before letting out a soft giggle… which doesn’t last long, since just a few seconds are needed for him to slip into hilarity. Your laughs don’t match, but it’s somewhat funny !

In order not to be seen laughing, Dutch drags you to his tent and sits on the bed with you. He even reads a few extracts of the book with his eyes wide open, tears streaming on his cheeks because he can’t stop laughing. Your laugh is too genuine for him to walk away as he usually does !

When the night comes, the two of you finally stop laughing and can leave Dutch’s tent. "I love seeing you laugh." Dutch smiles, kissing your lips. "But I have completely forgotten about this erotic book, don’t tell anyone.". You will try your best, but that’s quite tempting !

Mary-Beth Gaskill :

You’re sitting alone by one of the trees of Horseshoe Overlook, before the cliff, facing the sunset. You had a long day after doing a successful robbery, nobody wanted to bother you. Not even Ms. Grimshaw, which is quite surprising considering it’s ‘her camp, her rules.’.

You’re gazing at the sky, noticing that two birds are currently making some sweet figures above you. While they're chirping, flying away from each other and then coming back, they unexpectedly bump their heads, causing you to gasp. You see them chirping louder afterwards during a short fall, causing you to start laughing. These two birds are literally an old couple having an argument, just like Dutch and Hosea !

When she hears your laugh, Mary-Beth is absolutely startled and quickly grabs her knife, believing someone is currently being tortured nearby. "Oh lord…" she gasps, looking at the surroundings as she notices that this strange noise is coming from a tree near the cliff of the hideout. No one seems to care much about that noise.

She calmly gets closer to your spot and notices you laughing, causing her to sigh and kneel before you, calmly taking your hands between hers with a sweet smile. "Are you okay, Y/N ?" she asks, still looking a little concerned. Your laugh is absolutely hilarious, causing her to chuckle a little.

You’re laughing so loudly that people could easily hear your voice in Valentine… if not even in Strawberry or Blackwater. Mary-Beth tries shushing you a little, calmly passing her hands through your hair while looking around. What if Pinkertons found you because of your laugh ?

The more Mary-Beth listens to your voice, the more she wants to chuckle with you. "Sweet Y/N, you’re going to make me laugh !" she giggles. Your teary face and beautiful smile are not helping her resist this sudden temptation to join you in a laughing session.

Mary-Beth finally gives in after a few good seconds, letting out a nice laugh to accompany yours. Your voices don’t really math at the moment, but that’s no big deal. Mary-Beth needed to laugh, she never really had the opportunity to have some fun since the Blackwater incident. It felt so good !

The two of you laugh until the sun goes down, called by Ms. Grimshaw to get your portion of stew. You had completely forgotten the notion of time ! You finally get to explain that these two birds, the way they bumped their heads, the way they chirped made you loose it… it gives Mary-Beth a new idea for the book she’s currently writing. Your laugh will also have a very detailed description !

Karen Jones :

You and Karen spent an entire day doing laundry, taking care of the camp, patrolling around the hideout with your respective riffles in your hands. Right now, the only thing you want is to have a good drink. And… let’s just say you had a few of them. After all, don’t you deserve a beer for what you’re doing ?

With this dose of alcohol held in your body, your brain can’t really function normally. So anything Karen says can easily trigger either laughs or tears. Karen starts mimicking Arthur, who is grumbling on his cot, obviously not happy about this sudden imitation. "I’m a strong and threatening cowboy who eats flowers !" she roars. And the overall situation is what triggers your sudden laugh.

The noise you just made quickly freezes Karen who quickly stops her imitation, looking straight towards your direction. "What the hell was that !" she gasps with a large smile as she sees you trying to mute your laughs behind your hands. "Oh my god, Y/N !" she chuckles.

You try apologising, but no word can come out of your mouth some other very weird noises. As she notices you can’t stop laughing, Karen restarts her drunken imitation of Arthur, who is still pouting on his bed. "Fear me, I love horses more than humans ! Fear me !" she shouts.

Karen absolutely adores watching you laugh, despite being a little weirded out by this hilarious noise she just heard. It only adds some more depth to your incredible personality, and Karen loves people with very strong personalities… or drunk fools like Sean.

She keeps imitating Arthur, causing him to leave his tent to have a drink with John and Bill. "And now I’ll head for a beer with ma’ dumb brothers !" Karen groans, leading you to laugh even louder than before. Dear lord, it feels so great to see you smile, and Miss Jones won’t make it stop just yet !

At some point, her legs can’t hold her anymore, causing her to sit by you. She looks at you for a moment with starry eyes, still amused by your peculiar laugh. Being drunk makes her enjoy this moment even more than what she expected, as she chuckles with you !

You stop laughing after some time, causing Karen, and the rest of the gang, mostly, to feel a sudden void around the hideout. Even if your laugh was peculiar and not forcibly the most elegant, Karen loved it, but she will surely shiver whenever she will hear it again !

#arthur morgan #sadie adler #charles smith #dutch van der linde #mary beth gaskill #karen jones #azurestales #rdr2 #rdr2 headcanons #sorry i struggled with both Mary-Beth and Karen omg #rdr2 fanfic #Sean's bad jokes #red dead redemption 2 #female reader #i'm sorry if it's inaccurate pls don't be mad

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the-cookie-of-doom · 3 months

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sooooo..... thoughts on Mike/Peem from He She It? 👀👀👀

So. Mike and Peem. First thing’s first: Mike is a terrible person. I don’t care. I’m 100% a Mike apologist, and to that end, Peem is not entirely innocent. He’s the one sleeping with the guy who’s already in a public relationship. Now, the responsibility for that lies solely with Mike!! Peem doesn’t owe Pear any loyalty. However, going after someone in a relationship is a sleazy thing to do. Though there is that interesting moral gray area of, “Yeah he’s cheating on his girlfriend, but only because he’s super repressed and closeted, so it doesn’t count if he’s exploring his sexuality,” which is usually used to make an otherwise shitty character more sympathetic. Your mileage may vary here. Cheating is cheating; if Mike was worried about anyone finding out, he could have broken up with Pear and just kept seeing Peem in secret. He had options. But personally, I do think it’s an interesting character motive; it’s messy! All of them are! The only person in this entire cast who isn’t a fucking disaster, is Pear herself. Girl did not deserve all of that.

So, all of that aside, I love Mike and Peem’s mutually assured destruction thing they’ve got going on. Because Peem knows/believes Mike doesn’t love him, but loves Mike anyway, and Mike has to know they were always going to be caught eventually. There’s no way to hide the fact you’re sleeping with your best friend forever. And because he refused to just break up with Pear, there was always going to be incredible fallout from the eventual discovery.

The acting teacher at the beginning aid: “In the real world, we don’t know who is acting. Sometimes, in the world of performing, we don’t know who’s real. Sometimes we can’t tell them apart at all.”

Combine the fact that when Mike pulled Peem into the pool the first time, he started to drown. Mike immediately jumped in to save him, and when pressed, Peem says he was just acting. Implied: trying to get attention. He’s hurt; he’s feeling rejected by Mike, then they had a heart to heart where Mike gives in to him a little, and Mike literally saved his life. Peem is feeling vulnerable. It’s easier to let Mike believe he just wanted attention in a superficial kind of way, than to face the deeper emotions he’s feeling in this scene. Probably because he knows Mike won’t be able to meet him halfway, but he knows Mike likes feeling wanted. He can handle Peem being sad and rejected—he can’t handle Peem’s heartbreak, or any implication that Peem is in this for more than easy sex. Which is likely what Mike is telling himself he wants; he’s in complete denial of both his sexuality and his feelings for Peem.

So: we have already established that Peem told Mike he faked the drowning. What was a funny/cute moment between them becomes tragic when Mike pushes Peem into the pool again, remembers this incident, and decides to walk away rather than save Peem again. They’re in the middle of a heated fight, Mike feels like his world is ending, and he sees this as Peem’s attempt to keep him from leaving, which only pisses him off more. But he truly believes Peem can swim; this was an accident, not a murder. As horrible as Mike’s actions are, he’s a scared kid at heart; if he had any idea Peem was going to die that night, as angry as he was, I think he would have saved him. As much as he was denying his feelings, Peem was still his lover, and before that, his best friend. He wouldn’t have intentionally left him to die. That’s what makes it so tragic. Things didn’t have to happen this way, but a domino effect from the very beginning meant they were doomed to end up here.

I'm just. So !!! About these two. I've had a fic idea rolling in the back of my mind ever since I saw it with a Bad Ending where Mike drowns, wrapping the story up where it starts. Peem is there, and it's left ambiguous whether Mike drowns himself, or Peem does, or if it was just another tragic accident. But whatever happens, Peem is there. He forgives him. It's going to be okay. Mike has already lost everything, now they can finally be together, without anything or anyone else standing in between them.

#cookie speaks #he she it #i loved fucked up characters #this is also not the meta #i've got 4 posts coming in a minute #just editing #bc i finished writing at like 330am lol

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voidwritesstuff · 3 months

Text

Long Way To The Truth

Cw:misgendering (accidental).

Summary: Lucas makes it to Colorado and helps a young kid with their identity.

->chapter 4: Colorado.

By Next morning he was already in Colorado, as he has breakfast in a small cafeteria, he thinks back on last night. In hindsight,he feels like he just pulled a Wheeler and acted as the guidance counselor of three 20 Year olds. And it didnt bother him one bit.

For lunch, he stops at a small family owned restaurant. Its really quaint with its ochre colored walls, the plants growing from the pots placed infront of the blue framed Windows.

He steps through the double Doors made of some dark brown wood, and the smell of spicy,home made food greets him. He relaxes a little, Rolling Back one of his shoulders instintctually to then take off his army baseball cap.

As he joins the line,he sees a young kid going out to take the trash that Belongs to the stablishment. They have long dyed purple hair in box braids, tied up by a yellow and white bandana, they drag the heavy trash bag as they walk down one of the back area halls, the door to said Hall is Open which is why Lucas can see the kid.

--Thanks son!--Says a male voice from the kitchen. The kid seems to scowl and mutter something under their breath before resuming their walk.

Lucas orders once its his turn, as he eats hes contempt to watch the news since hes written down his entry of the day during breakfast. The news show how in a few months,a New ship was going to be comissioned by Mayer, the SS Thanatos.

"Kind of an edgy name,isnt it " he thinks,munching down on his chili. The spiciness of it all Burning his tongue,but he doesnt seem to care." Though, its interesting,why would mayer comission a New ship? What are they bringing?".

Hes quick to Scribble down his thoughts on his Journal in a small spot between his Many little doodles he had done during a particular terrible traffic jam on the way here.

--Ive told him so Many fucking times-- he hears the kid from before say-- its not- its not son,goddamnit-- Lucas perks up at the voice,filled with anger and sadness. Theres this look in their eyes of feeling misunderstood.

He watches them walk away and outside the restaurant through that Hall they went down earlier. Theres a slight suspicion in his mind as to what the kids discontent had to do with, bit he knows its none of his business.

"This ain't a song for the broken-hearted

No silent prayer for the faith-departed

I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd

You're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud"

As the News didnt show anything interesting after a while, the owner changed the channel to MTV. Where Bon jovi's "its my life" was playing.

Lucas drums along to the rythm of the song as he walks out of the restaurant. He gets approached by the owner of the restaurant,tall,dark skin and warm brown eyes, he looks worried.

--Hey,Sir. Excuse me- have you seen my son? His-their name is Juniper-- he asked,cleaning his sweaty hands on his apron-- about yay high,purple hair?

It takes him a moment to pinpoint the kid as he puts on his army baseball cap-- uh yeah, why?

--Hes been missing and he hasnt been replying to my calls-- he explains-- he seemed a little annoyed and I wanted to ask him where he was

Always the Smart one, the ex soldier nodds-- yeah,saw 'im by the parkin' lot-- he replied ,gesturing to the opposite side of where the kid had actually gone. The Dad runs away in a panic, and he takes that opportunity to go the actual way the kid left.

He knows he shouldnt have lied,but from experience he knew that sometimes parents would make things worse. And it looks like Wheeler rubbed off of on him because hes on his way to adopt yet another child.

Now that the owner wasnt there,nobody paid him any attention as he snuck into the Hall that the kid left through, it leads down an empty sort of backyard. Theres a small half broken concrete wall that seemed to be the wall that acted as a barrier to a previous,smaller, Back yard and the outside world.

Through the cracks and missing chunks of the wall,he can spot a set of purple hair blowing in the passing breeze. He sighs inwardly and tries to channel Wheeler as he leans on the Fallen wall and says.

--Yer dad's lookin' for ya

The kid gets startled, throwing a small pebble sized Chunk of Fallen wall towards him. He barely ducks out of the way and adds-- nice aim

--Who are you and what do you want?--The kid asks, pressing their knees against their chest. Their locks fall to cover half of their face since the bandana is no longer restricting them.

--'m the guy who told yer dad to go the other way so he didnt piss you off further

The kid looks at him and then looks away, growling-- good. I wouldve ripped his face off.

--Can I at least ask whats pissin' you off before I leave you alone? You look like yer either gonna hurl a piece of debrie at yer old Man or break down cryin'

--You wouldnt get it-- they reply,looking away

--kid, you'd be surprised at the ammount of shit ive seen. Try me

The kid sighs loudly and gets ready to throw another pebble sized chunk. But its not at Lucas, he throws it at a nearby tree stumpt And misses it by an INCH.

--So...so i dont really feel like a boy,or- or a girl-- they start, grabbing another pebble-- I asked my folks recently if they could use well- gender neutral words for me- but they Keep forgetting, especially my dad

"It's my life, it's now or never

I ain't gonna live forever

I just want to live while I'm alive"

God,how loud was the TV? He could hear it all the way from here.

Lucas nodds,folding his arms over his chest-- n 'm guessing thats what pissed you off?

They nodd-- its not that hard-- They followed up-- and it hurts when they dont do it- I call 'em ma and pa but they cant use the words I like?

--I get that kiddo-- he replied,looking at the tree stumpt,littered with previous atrempts of hitting it. His eyes narrow as he calculates the distance between them and the stumpt.-- parents can take a while to accept New things 'bout their kids

--How would you know?--his companion asked, throwing the pebble and missing,again,by an inch.

--well,kid-- the ex soldier grabs a pebble and throws it at the stumpt, hitting it dead in the middle--im Bisexual,and a soldier with PTSD,from a family of soldiers who also had....issues . So I'd get it

When the kid sees Lucas hit the stumpt,they look up at him and ask-- HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

he chuckled-- permission to approach?

--Uh,permission granted--They followed along with the joke,a small excited smile.

Lucas sits with them and grabs another pebble,handing it over. Now up close he can see that their eyes are puffy and a little red,and he softens his gaze-- keep your pulse steady-- he starts,showing them how to fix their aim.

His companion tries again and they hit the stumpt dead in the centre. They look all happy and they smile wide.

--Yknow,your old Man worried about you. Even corrected himself when he messed up your pronouns. -- the ex soldier added as the kid tried again.

--did...did he?--They ask,Setting down the pebble.

--Yup, do you go by juniper?

They nodd enthusiastically-- he even remembered my name?

--Yeah

Juniper smiled and stood up, all happy and with a Pep in their step. Lucas noticed the bon jovi black shirt and raised an eyebrow internally. They tie their yellow and white bandana around their purple hair and dust off their black shirt, they flap their hands a little.

--'m gonna talk to him-- they said,walking past Lucas.

--Hey kid, just one thing. Tell yer dad that it makes you feel bad when he doesnt use the right words. Otherwise he wouldntve known I think, but also know that not all parents Will understand New things

The kid puts their hands inside their pockets-- and what If he doesnt understand?

--Well...-- he trails off and points to the air,as if hes pointing at the music hanging on the breeze.

"It's my life

My heart is like the open highway

Like Frankie said I did it my way

I just wanna live while I'm alive

It's my life"

--I dont like the idea of my dad not understanding though-- Juniper adds, looking a little concerned. Their eyes go to the entrance of the Hall that they came out of.

--i understand but ive realized that well, if it makes you happy then its worth it. Parents be damned-- Lucas stands up,holding Back a wince as his back stings a little. But he manages and leans on the wall-- hell,im drivin' all the way from Florida to Washington

--Why would you do that?--his companion asked-- thats kinda weird --Theres a brief silence and they add-- right,because it makes you happy

--'m tellin' you this cuz when I was your age,I wouldve liked to know that i dont--he makes a pause,hands going to the dogtags around his neck-- that I dont need other peoples approval to be enough.

Juniper nodds,to then perk up as they hear their dad calling out for them-- thanks -- they reply, glancing Back at the ex soldier-- hey by the way,if you go all around over there-- he points at to where Lucas' Back is facing-- youll come out the other way. Just so my dad doesnt think anything weird if he sees you with me

He nodds-- ten four,much obliged-- he tips the visor of his cap like a cowboy would, making the kid laugh at his slight weirdness before leaving for the restaurant.

Lucas goes back to his van through the way the kid told him, and just as he hops into his vehicle, through the outside mirror he sees Juniper and their dad talking. The kid seems dead serious as they talk to their old Man,who nodds and gives them a big hug.

--There we go,happy thoughts kid-- he mutters,seeing a little of his past in the way the father and the kid hug things out. Whenever he would get into dumb arguments with Wheeler,they'd talk it out and hug it out.

He clears his throat,Trying to not get sappy this early in the day,and so he continued his merry way through Colorado.

Switching the radio on, he hears.

"This is for the ones who stood their ground

It's for Tommy and Gina who never backed down

Tomorrow's getting harder, make no mistake

Luck, it ain't enough, you've got to make your own breaks"

But as he drives he notices something in the rearview mirror,a black SUV following along a few cars away. He squints and decides to take an alternative Route he had mapped for ocassions like this.

Thankfully,he does lose them and by nightfall, he stays on a small inconspicuous motel on the outskirts of the state of Utah. Keeping an eye out on his van and resting in between watches

#in sound mind #ism #ism lucas #lucas cole #ism lucas cole #ism character study #in sound mind lucas cole

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your-average-dad · 4 months

Text

No Need To Say Goodbye-

your_average_dad on ao3

Mike Wheeler thinks he has been doomed by god. Lucky for him, all he is, is 12 years old.

Mike is not good at many things. Or any, for that matter. He’s not the brawn like Lucas, or the brain, like Dustin… In all aspects of a ‘team’, Mike doesn’t bring anything to the table. He knows this.

Except that he’s a damn good leader; making decisions, looking out for everyone else.

Looking out for Will.

He thinks, maybe, the one thing he’s good at is protecting people.

When Lucas was tripped by that asshole Troy back in first grade, Mike had checked to see if he was okay. He even offered his Spiderman Comic book to him. Sure, he didn’t stand up to Troy (god help him if he tried something like that) but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that Lucas wasn’t seething with anger anymore, and Mike had gained a new friend. Someone to protect.

Dustin Henderson didn’t move to Hawkins until 3rd grade, and everyone knows that 3rd grade is the year where every friend group gets locked into place. When you decide on your ride-or-die’s all the way through middle school. It’s hard to be the new kid, and even harder when you’re in a small town. But Mike met this new kid in his science class, and Dustin was immediately folded into their little circle of outcasts.

The leader of the damned. Thats who Mike was.

Which is why, when Will wants to play hide-and-seek, he gives in. Because when he met Will on the playground in kindergarten, something in that useless heart of Mike’s told him that this kid would need someone who could he could rely on.

So here Mike is, counting to 50 in a spare bedroom like a 3rd grader (he’s much too old to be playing these games) all because Will wanted to.

After counting all the way up, he crept out of the room, and into the living area.

Lying soundly asleep on the couch was Mr. Murray Bauman, letting a snore escape his open mouth occasionally. If Mike looked closer he might have been able to see a string of saliva connected to the couch cushions from his lips.

First Mike checked under the couch, flopping to the floor and back up again when no one was underneath.

“This game is so stupid,” he muttered under his breath.

He shuffles through the rest of the living room, batting at the curtains and glancing behind furniture half-assed.

Mike doesn't like doing childish things. For god's sake, he's twelve! He should be doing more adult with his time, like... Talking to girls? Talking about girls? He's not actually sure what about talking to and about girls makes him more mature, but his parents are always nagging about the fact that he has no interest, and Lucas and Dustin enjoy talking about it, so he joins in.

He talks about Jane, that one girl in his English class who can never remember the difference between "two", "to", and "too". She's an incredibly sweet person; with long brown curls that she rarely ever cuts.

He had shown up once to school with a botched bowl cut, courtesy of his mother's phenomenal hangover. She had looked at him curiously.

"Your hair," she had stated.

Mike flushed. Of course he would. The haircut was humiliating. Absolutely no other reason.

"Yeah, um, my mom cut it."

Jane's curiosity melted into a frown. "Did that make you sad?"

Mike laughed softly. The teacher was going over past, present, and future-participles on the chalkboard. "No. Is it supposed to?"

She shrugged. "I do not like my hair short."

"Well, good thing it's so long then," Mike said, examining her ringlets. "It's pretty."

Jane smiled.

"Pretty."

She went back to frowning at her worksheet.

Short and sweet. That's something Mike liked about Jane. She shared very little about herself. And a tiny, selfish part of him liked it because it meant he could talk more about his own interests. Maybe that made him a terrible person. He wouldn't be surprised if he was.

It frustrated Mike more than could possibly be imagined that Will was jealous of Jane. Yes, she was nice, but he didn't care about her more than he cared about him. Not by a landslide. If they really were that close, Will would understand that, right?

Mike walks towards the guest bedroom door, his palm on the handle, when a thundering noise is heard from above.

Dustin comes clambering down the stairs in such a hurry, Mike has half a mind to think something is chasing him.

"Guys!" He yells as he reaches the edge of the stairs. He halts as he remembers the sleeping body of Mr. Bauman just feet away from him.

"Guys?" He whispers again, looking around. He doesn't see Mike just around the corner. Instead, he scrambles into the kitchen and starts whispering harshly. "Will? Lucas? Anyone?"

A cabinet in the kitchen opens, revealing Will with an annoyed expression.

"Dustin, I told you, you can't hide in here!"

Mike used this moment to creep up on them both in triumph. "Found you both!"

"What?" Dustin asked, blinking hard. "Oh! Hide-and-Seek! You guys are still playing?"

"Still playing?" Mike repeated. "We started like, 30 seconds ago, dude."

"I just told you that you couldn't hide with me," Will reminded him, climbing out of the cabinet. Mike reached out to help him up, but Will ignored him.

Frustration struck Mike in the gut. Was he still upset about Jane? It wasn't that big of a deal.

"30 seconds..." Dustin mutters. "No, no. That can't be right. I've been gone for at least an hour. Maybe longer."

"Gone?" Will repeated. "What do you mean?"

"The wardrobe!" Dustin yelled, throwing his hands up in exasperation. He took in Mike and Will's confused eyes and sighed. "The wardrobe upstairs?!"

"Shh! Jesus dude, lower your voice. We weren't supposed to go upstairs!" Mike said, crossing his arms.

"Well I did! And you know what? I discovered something so far beyond your puny comprehension that it puts Tolkien to shame!"

"Does this mean I won?" Lucas asked, emerging from the spare bedroom. Damn, Mike was just about to check there before he was interrupted.

"That's not fair! Dustin lured me out with his dramatics!" Will said, crossing his arms.

"Forget the hide-and-seek game for a second!! This is so much more important!" Dustin exclaimed.

All three boys shushed him.

In the living room, Mr. Bauman stirred.

"What could possibly be so important?" Mike sighed.

"I have just discovered..." Dustin paused for effect, holding up jazz hands, "... A new realm."

Mike laughed. Lucas and Will's eyebrows rose.

Will spoke, his voice full of awe, "Wait, really?"

"Of course not," Mike shook his head. "You said yourself, the game started a few minutes ago. He wouldn't have had time for all that."

"I can only assume time works differently in-between realms," Dustin explained, mainly to himself. He pushes past Lucas and Mike, and starts up the stairs yet again.

Lucas rushes ahead of Mike and glares at Dustin from the bottom of the stairs. "Dustin, you dumbass, you're going to get us in trouble!"

"That is the least of our worries right now! There is a goddamn evil dimension filled with elves and dwarves on the other side of some random ass closet upstairs, and I discovered it all on my own!"

The boys blinked up at Dustin.

"Are you on drugs?" Mike asked.

Dustin rolled his eyes, "Drugs are bad for your brain chemistry, dipshit."

"A portal to another dimension, though? Inside Murray Bauman's bedroom? It's a little ridiculous, don't you think?" Lucas asked.

"Oh that is so typical of you two to try and bring logic into this. You believe me, right Will?" Dustin asked. All the boys turned to stare expectantly at the smallest among them.

Will winced. "I don't know... It seems a little out there..."

Dustin's mouth opened, and closed. Then it opened again, and a frustrated groan escaped before he closed it again. "Don't you guys trust me?"

"You've been wrong before," Mike muttered.

Dustin shot him a glare. "Follow me. You won't regret it." He dashed halfway up the stairs again before turning. None of them had moved. "Please?" He begged.

Will stepped forward, sympathy seeping through his eyes. "Looking couldn't hurt."

And as Will went up the stairs, Mike followed.

Unfortunately for the boys, an incredibly obnoxious bear had just awoken from its slumber.

"Excuse me!" Yelled a sleep-drunk voice.

Shit.

Mike had expected a scolding. Maybe even a threateningly raised hand. At the very least, he assumed they'd be sent to bed without dinner. And sure, Murray was pissed, but here he is, making risotto for the five of them, humming along to some obscure song blazing from a nearby cassette player. He's got an ugly ass apron on, and he and Lucas are helping him chop onions.

Dustin had touched his eyes with his onion-ridden hands, and is currently weeping uncontrollably in a corner of the crammed kitchen.

Mike looked over at Will, setting the table solemnly. Normally Dustin's antics would evoke a chuckle out of him at the very least, but Will didn't even look up. Mike briefly thought about rubbing onions in his own eyes, just to get Will to say something, but quickly decided against it.

He set down his knife, rinsed his hands quickly, and made his way over to Will.

"Do you need any help?" He asked, his voice picking up the familiar inflection that appeared the moment he spoke to his best friend.

"No, Mike, I'm fine." Will gave him a tight-lipped smile as he stepped around him to place the next napkin, fork, and knife.

Mike's eyebrows crinkled. If he thinks about it... It was honestly getting a bit dramatic, right? To be so hung up on some random girl that Will would begin giving him the cold shoulder?

"Well sorry for trying to help my best friend."

Will winces. What did Mike say wrong? Was his temper really that awful?

"I don't need your help, Mike."

Will stepped into the kitchen, politely asking Murray if there was anything else he could do to help prepare dinner.

Mike stood, stunned.

Then he ate dinner, stunned.

He even forgot to offer to clear the dishes after. Mrs. Wheeler would have had a cow.

“Trouble in paradise?”

Mike choked on his drink. “What?”

He looked to Murray on his left, smiling smugly at him over his glass of scotch. The older man gestured over to Will in the kitchen, rinsing dishes off.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Mike scoffed.

"Please, you children fight like my Nana and Nono did." Murray takes the last sip of his scotch, the singular ice cube beginning to water down the intensity. Mike fought the urge to wrinkle his nose at the smell of the drink. Or the suggestion Murray had just thrown at him. Or both.

There are things that you feel, and there are things you keep to yourself. And if Mike has learned anything from his mother, ever the perfect housewife, it's that emotions are something you keep to yourself. Lock up in a box and tuck away to never ever see again.

So no, there is no trouble in paradise. Mike has no problem with the way things are right now. Or with the way Will is treating him. If there is any trouble about, it's Will's fault for making a big deal about it, right?

Or so he tells Murray.

Murray snorts. "Sure kid. Keep telling yourself that."

#stranger things #ao3 #the lion the witch and the wardrobe #byler #writing #current wip #crossover #mike wheeler #this kid is angst in a bag #fanfiction

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