#which is a yucky feeling bc it makes me think of when i hurt myself to try and cope with my dissociating

[golbrocklovely]

I’m not in the snc fandom by any means and I have no plan to do so but being just a causal fan of them, I have seen the way their fans act towards them, especially Colby. It always leaves a horrible taste in my mouth.

I sincerely wish these guys would start setting more boundaries with their fandom. There are sometimes where I see replies to their tweets or just looking up their users on twitter because I’m a nosy rosey sometimes and the things some of their fans say to them, especially Colby is just horrendous and down right yucky. It seems to be getting worse in my end too. The way some of their fans treat Colby likes he’s stupid, slow or like a child is just so gross. He’s a human being. It’s one thing to make a joke, but it’s another thing to treat him like he was born literally yesterday. It sometimes feels like infantalazation. Like this is a huge problem and I just wish that Colby would put his foot down about it. Hell, when everytime there’s a girl involved in his life everything goes haywire towards him. I just feel so bad for him at this point. if I had fans and they were pulling stuff like this, I wound definitely say something, and start muting/ blocking people if it started getting too much. Maybe Colby hates confrontation which I can totally understand. Maybe he hates drama as well. But if his fans keep getting away with basically being overbearing and weird, they’re never gonna treat him like a human.

I also have a hunch that he might be neurodivergent and has anxiety. I see a lot of myself through him. He does a lot of things I do. But I don’t wanna diagnose him because I personally don’t know him like that. I just hope he has a good head on his shoulders when it comes to this type of stuff. and I also just hope one day some of his fans grow up and stop treating him like he’s a dummy when he’s a very intelligent person. It drives me nuts when people do that to him. He clearly is very smart and very empathetic. A bright soul who deserves so much better. 🩷

this ended up being extremely long so... sorry about that haha

i getchu. i understand not wanting to join this fandom. tbh i only really enjoy the fandom on here and that's about it. insta there barely is a fandom, the tiktok fandom is too young and just makes shit up 90% of the time, and twitter…. is insufferable lol

and i completely agree with you about the treatment of colby. it's a weird mix of both treating him like a sex doll and treating him like a baby, which makes both behaviors all the more gross.

like i'll be honest, i don't love all the decisions he makes, and i have talked about that on here countless times. however, i don't actively tell him on social media how to live his life (aka i don't @ him on twitter when he does something that annoys me like a lot of other fans do). and at the end of the day i accept whatever he wants to do with his life. me complaining on here about some of the questionable ppl he has in his life isn't even half as bad as what i've seen on twitter, especially when it comes to some of the girls he occasionally is seen with.

over the years it's gotten worse, and i'm not sure for what reason. it feels like the fans started out on the right foot. they care about colby and don't want to see him get hurt. and i get that, i feel the same way. but at the same time, he's an adult. and in life you're gonna make some dumb decisions, and be friends with dumb ppl that you shouldn't have been. and that's your choice. and that's your mistake to make.

i think part of it is a lot of fans think they are owed a part of colby's life and having a say in it. maybe bc they've put time, effort, and money into being a fan, maybe it's bc they feel like they are friends with him and thus think they can say shit that a friend would say even tho they are a complete stranger to him. and while i can understand somewhat why someone would feel that way briefly, it doesn't change the fact it's not true. you aren't owed anything just bc you've been here a long time or bc you buy merch. so what. you aren't special in either one of those regards.

and when it comes to colby and his dating life… oh boy, that's where most of the drama lies. again, a lot of it comes from fans not wanting him to date a questionable girl. understandable. i get that protectiveness. however it has become very apparent that NO GIRL is good enough for him. fill in the blank on whatever reason, it doesn't matter. there is not a single girl that exists that everyone in the fandom can agree on. and that just shows that a lot of the concern comes from both jealousy and, if we're being completely honest, misogyny.

certain fans are jealous they will never get a chance to be with him, no matter how many y/n insert fanfics they read. and no girl is good enough bc nine times out of ten the reason is bc of something sexist like she's a slut or a gold digger or isn't pretty enough or is too pretty or isn't as good as other girls.

my favorite phrase, highkey, is when a girl is seen with colby, ppl start hating on her and then when asked why someone doesn't like her they respond with "idk she just gives me a bad vibe." lmao happens like clockwork.

all of this is to say that a lot of fans, while they love colby, don't respect him. they don't trust him to make his own decisions bc in their minds, he can't make the "right" ones. and thus needs to smothered into making the right one. and if he doesn't do that, then he deserves to be bitched at for eternity.

tbh i'm surprised colby tolerates half the fanbase at this point. if the fandom isn't yelling at him for breathing wrong, they're making fun of him. and while it's fine to be playful and banter with him, there's a difference between a one off comment and constantly picking at everything he does down to whether or not he has facial hair. like… why are we talking about his body hair? yall are weird for that one.

if i was colby, i wouldn't have fans anymore. bc i would blocking ppl left right and center. idc that you supported me for a long time, if you're mean to me, you're gone. and i ain't gonna listen to (usually) a child yell at me for fucking a random girl (or maybe not even fucking a random girl). that's why last year i wanted him to go chaos mode. i wanted him to fuck every and any girl that said yes strictly so fans would come to the realization that YOU DON'T CONTROL HIM.

get over it or gtfo. it's really that simple.

and as for whether or not he's neurodivergent, that's obviously something he would have to explore himself. i personally have always thought he might secretly have depression and definitely anxiety since he's talked about that part himself. there's a lot of things he has done in the past that make me think there might be something under the surface and reminds me a lot back when i was in denial of what was going on mentally. and there are times he gets into funks, and you can just see the light drain out of him for a bit. but in the end, that's for him to explore and seek help for if he so chooses and feels the need to. i would hope if he truly did ever feel bad he would ask for help.

he's a very strong person and has such a love for life. i just hope he lives it to the fullest. i truly just want to see him happy.

#ask #personal #colby brock

[scrawlingskribbles]

like. hmm. I just feel like the relationship I have with polyamory is kinda interesting, I guess xD like, I know my memory is bad but if it serves me right then I might have even realized/recognized that I was polyam before I realized/recognized that I was aroace lmao, which feels like kind of a big deal, somehow?? but I suppose it's easier to recognize something that's present over something that's absent, you know? how are you supposed to know something's missing if you never knew it was "supposed" to be there in the first place?

((I'm still waiting to get a phonecall back from the doc, so I ended up rambling A LOT MORE than I originally thought I was going to with this post so I'm putting it under a readmore xD))

For instance, I have this one vivid memory from back in middle school where I was talking about polyamory with a friend while we were waiting in the lunch line once, & he basically thought I was absolutely bonkers when I attempted to describe it to him lololol. The one picture/diagram I found to help explain it is still in my phone to this day, 19th from the very start of my reel of 2000+ photos. I don't remember how I first found that image—maybe it had rolled across my tumblr dashboard at some point? Regardless, all I know is that as soon as I read it, it made something light up in my brain, a little aha! lightbulb that was like, Yes, This Makes Sense, This Is You.

And like, I'm sure that I had to have some kind of moment like that with being aroace, but I don't have any specific memory like I do with the polyam thing. It probably also doesn't help that for a long while before I realized I was aroace, I felt so broken/wrong/etc. that I'd made up this whole little narrative in my head that I was actually an android instead of a human & was just Missing that one "part" that everyone else seemed to have, that let/made them have those kinds of romantic feelings for others. (Like, I obviously didn't actually believe it, like it wasn't delusion-level or anything, but it Was how I coped with feeling so yucky during that time, letting myself pretend that I was a robot so it wouldn't hurt quite so much.) So I feel like the aroace realization/acceptance came a little more gradually, having to convince myself over time the more that I learned about it that I wasn't actually broken, just different, and working to chase away the residual negative thoughts/feelings that I'd already been living with for however long at that point. Those feelings still crop up from time to time, but it hasn't been a Genuine Issue for me in quite a long time, thankfully.

So I suppose I did feel that Absence Of Something for quite a while, but I just didn't have the language/knowledge to put a name to it at the time. With the polyamory though, it was something that had never really surfaced before, so when that nerve got struck for the first time it was only a Positive note, so maybe that's why I remember it more clearly? (Bc I wasn't even all that bothered with what that one friend thought about it; he just Didn't Get It, and that was fine. ...Okay, maybe it Was actually after the aroace discovery, bc that feels like the kind of backbone that I would have gotten After already figuring out one piece of my puzzle tbh, lmfao. Huh. Darn my shoddy memory xD).

It's also interesting to me because, like, kinda going back to the Absence vs. Presence thing, the polyamory part of me is like, way less... obvious, I guess? I don't think that's the right word but it's all I've got rn xD But like, I feel my aroace-ness every day (or like, at least every Week or so) by virtue of Not feeling attraction towards people. So it's so weird, amidst that vast void of non-attraction, to also feel just as strongly in my bones that I Am polyamorous. Like, there's quote-unquote ""evidence"" of me being aroace because I don't date or otherwise seek out romantic/etc. relationships, but there's no "evidence" of me being polyam because of almost the exact same reasoning xD Like, the way I am with polyamory is the same way that other people feel about their sexuality/attraction as a whole, which is amusing to me for some reason. People can know that they're straight or gay or bi or what-have-you even if they've never been with anyone of the stipulated gender(s), and I know that I'm polyamorous even though I've never been in a polyamorous relationship. Idk, it's just kind of a wild feeling for me, as someone who's far more familiar with the lack of feeling something xD

And like, is my polyamory actually linked specifically to my aroace-ness, no matter how oxymoronic it might seem at first glance? Is the polyamory a side effect or maybe even a coping mechanism of sorts, because I'm aware of my typical-relationship shortcomings as an aroace & sex-averse individual in a world of allos and don't mind the thought of Sharing a partner/partners, especially if that means they can meet each other's needs in ways that I personally can't, because I just want everyone to be happy? Is it a romanticization of the Two Cakes theory but with real human people managing to have open, honest, enjoyable relationships with one another simultaneously, because the more is still the merrier even if it's also more complicated? Is it a testament to my own selfishness/laziness, wanting to have my cake and eat it too, because more hands make lighter work and I can barely keep a simple friendship afloat, let alone anything """more""" than that? Is it an unrealistic idealization that, even though deep down I still feel those senses of being Broken and not anywhere near Enough on my own, someone or even multiple someones would still find my presence in their life(s) fulfilling enough to want to keep me around in a more intimate capacity than ""just"" a friend, because I still yearn for the closeness of a relationship like that even if I don't specifically feel the "attractions" that typically glues that kind of relationship together?

...I think it's probably All of the above, if I'm being perfectly honest. And that's a lot of feelings to have swirling all around at once, let me tell you xD So I guess that's why I had to word-vomit it all out here; there's no real point to this post, just sharing some thoughts/experiences that have been on my mind as of late. It's complicated inside this here noggin o' mine, lol~ TwT

#and if anyone actually makes it all the way through this wall of text: wow! you trooper xD hope it was at least somewhat interesting! <3 #long post #ramble #words #shut up Wisp

[somanybrainwormies]

my heart is glass

my heart is fragile

i warn anyone who asks if they can hold it

i tell them it breaks easy

please be careful

they promise 

every time

every. single. time.

that they won’t drop it.

they won’t hurt me.

and then they drop it.

and it shatters into millions of tiny pieces

and I do my best

i do my best to pick up the broken pieces

and glue them back together

but I never get all the pieces 

because there’s always some missing

some too small and too broken to fix

but I glue back together what’s left

and tuck it deep in my chest

and I mourn

i mourn that which dropped it 

because it meant something to me

even tho

i suspect

that I NEVER meant anything

to it

and I say, never again

and then the same thing happens again, and again, and again

because I let it

because I’m sad

because I’m lonely

because I try so very hard

to be a good person to everyone 

but it doesn’t seem to matter 

my feelings don’t matter

my tears don’t matter

the dark hole 

in my chest

doesn’t

matter 

i’m down to the last few drops of glue

i’m down to the last few fixable pieces 

i’m down.

i can’t go for walks

I can’t sit in certain spots in my room

I can’t think of certain words

Or songs

Or colors

it was all taken from me

because it reminds me

it all reminds me

of what I’m mourning 

i try and stay positive I keep taking my medication I go to therapy I talk talk talk talk out what I think and what I feel and then I’ll be laying awake in bed at 3am and think of a random conversation and start sobbing because I want that back and I keep wondering what it is I did what it is I said that made everything I was holding so close go away why does everything I love go away why does everyone I love leave me abandon me stop loving me what is wrong w me that I can’t have real connections with anyone is this it for me is it time to just pack it in and say I tried I tried I FUCKING TRIED and it wasn’t enough it’s never enough bc at 3 in the morning I’m laying awake alone and I’m terrified to talk because everything I say turns out to be wrong and I accept it I accept so much shit I take so much pain because a part of me just believes I don’t deserve to have good things and I sit up at 3am thinking I failed I failed at this I wanted it to be okay and I failed I didn’t want it to fail I loved it I loved it I loved it and I fuckinglet it die like I let everything die now I’m thinking I should have I should have just done it I should have killed myself years ago because I just  can’t sit here anymore thinking of this thinking of how I let things that mean something to me die like I am in crisis I feel like my god my god my god my god my chest hurts my heart HURTS.

I’ve been thinking so much, and so hard, these past few weeks.

This time last year I was the happiest I’d ever been. It was my favorite month of the year, things were going well at work, and I was in the beginning stages of falling head over heels for someone.

One year later.

And.

I think October has been ruined for me for good. I think I’m going to forever connect this month to a really bad memory and I’m never going to be able to think of it the same.

My relationships all die because of my faults.

Because there is something in me, deep in my skin, that makes me tolerable, but not lovable. I’m convenient to keep around as a partner because I’m easy going and submissive and complimentary but once the need for that runs out, I’m left. I’m left and there’s only so many times a person can be left before they just give up.

And in all my life, I’ve never felt my age. Like ever. When I was a kid I felt like an adult and as an adult I’ve often felt like I was still in high school.

Now, well, I feel old.

I feel ancient, I feel decrepit. I feel like an old woman walking around in this body. I feel tired, my skin feels yucky, everything just feels so old and dying.

And I wish I would just die.

I think about it all the time.

I look out into the future and see myself sitting in an apartment, alone, watching tv and dusting my little figurines and talking to them like they were children because they’re the only family I’ll ever have. I see that and I wish my heart would just stop. I wish a car would speed around the corner and hit me while I’m crossing the street. 

My life is one big, depressed mess, an endless cycle of insomnia and changing meds and attempts at therapy and healing. Bad family situations, bad living situation, stressful work situations.

I just.

Sometimes I wish I could go back.

To 7, 8.

To before everything in my mind went to shit.

I wish I could take back painful relationships, I wish I could take back year and years of emptiness and anger and agony.

My heart feels broken. My soul feels smashed. My life feels like it’s dangling by a thread. I honestly don’t know if I have the energy, the strength anymore to keep pulling myself out of the pits. I don’t see the point in trusting or opening myself up or even attempting to give my heart or ANY of me to anyone ever again, because I don’t love myself and if I don’t then I shouldn’t really expect anyone else to be able to either.

I can’t even hardly look at my main blog. I physically feel ill looking at certain posts or comments because it reminds me of the happy feeling I had then, that I lost, and can’t get back. It hurts so fucking bad it’s like pins sticking into my toes. Like someone’s taking a razor blade and making little knicks along my arms and wrists and I’m feeling the sharp pain and feeling the warm blood trickle down my skin but NOBODY ELSE can see it and I have to just sit here and smile and say “I’m good, you?” and act like everything is normal.

I went to my mothers house last weekend and had to excuse myself to the bathroom and sob for twenty minutes because of how lovingly her boyfriend hugs and kisses and teases her.

I’ve lost almost 15 pounds in two weeks because I can’t bring myself to eat. I have a constant throbbing headache at my right temple because I can’t sleep more than an hour at a time before I wake up with anxiety or that horrible overwhelming feeling of sadness.

I give fucking everything in me and I get crumbs in return. 

I’ve stopped.

I’ve stopped going to therapy. I’ve stopped eating. I’ve stopped taking all of my medications. i just don’t see the point in prolonging this shit any longer. I’m so fucking tired of hearing worthless platitudes like “things will be okay” or “hang in there it gets better lol!” Fuck that and fuck anyone in this world who’s ever tried to shove that bullshit down my throat. It’s nothing but lies and guess what?

I’m done being lied to.

I’m done being nice.

I’m done being that dumb cunt that lets everyone take and take and FUCKING TAKE until she’s ragged and empty and soulless.

I’m fucking done with everything.

I have HAD it.

#tw: depression

[apathetic-fae]

I'm

✨spiraling✨

#i don't even know #I'm just exhausted #i woke up detached abd dissocaiting #the main thing keepin me even remotely present is the soreness of my arm from the vaccine #which is a yucky feeling bc it makes me think of when i hurt myself to try and cope with my dissociating #i feel like no one cares #which i know isnt reallt true but i isolate myself so much #I'm not important to anyone really #I'm that old friend who you like well enough and like running into #but never go out of your way to talk to and probably wouldn't notice if you never saw again #there are people who i still miss like a punch to the gut who I'm not sure i ever even truly mattered to #there are also people i miss like that who have simply left me behind #there's nothing here for them anymore #i'd have been better off dead before i cared about so many people and made it so i feel guilty for even thinking that #i don't wanna be here anymore #please can i go home #deppression #suicidal #anxiety #regret #the hurt

[hidetothink]

I have a question about your experience in the church if that's okay. Do you feel like it's possible for Christians to be supportive of you and love you whilst also thinking homosexuality is sinful? I'm sorry bc I'm not sure if this is a stupid question but I hope it makes sense. Do you feel like the doctrine breeds hostility and homophobia in every Christian even though the message of Jesus was actually to love indiscriminately? Is it possible to do these things simultaneously? Thank you

“Do you feel like it’spossible for Christians to be supportive of you and love you whilst alsothinking homosexuality is sinful? I’m sorry bcI’m not sure if this is a stupid question but I hope it makes sense.”

-Not a stupid question atALL. It’s one I have to ask myself very often, honestly, since most of myfamily and two of my closest friends are somewhere on the “it’s wrong to havehomosexual intercourse” spectrum. For instance, by Aunt thinks it’s morally wrongand two men dating is yucky. My uncle thinks it’s wrong to the extent I’mkiiiiind of afraid he would violently hurt me if he saw me with another man.Meanwhile, my best friends, last we talked about the issue, said “it’s possiblethat’s what the Bible means, but we aren’t sure….”

Honestly….I think the answer to your question is complex

On one hand, I know manygay people feel that unless you cannot love them while believing homosexual “expression”is morally wrong. Or even that there is some difference in the moral goodness ofsame-sex couples versus opposite-couples. And on some level, I am one of these people

Every gay person who livesin connection with organized religion has a complex relationship betweenthemselves, their loved ones, and this issue. And honestly, I feel out of placecalling any of their convictions on this question wrong. I know that’s a littletoo far on the “well everything is subjective” side of rhetoric, but Isimply can’t….argue with a gay man or lesbian when they say that refusing tosee homosexuality as morally neutral means refusing to love them

So I’ll only answer for myself

And it’s complicated

On one hand, I think theanswer is easy

If I met a new friend and foundout they believed homosexuality was immoral, I would drop them. Full stop. I don’twant that in my life anymore. I don’t want those kinds of people in my life anymore.I would say that these people, no matter what they claim, do not love me. Youcannot exist in our world, in our homophobic reality, and still hold those beliefswithout sacrificing genuine love for me

But then it gets messy

My dad, when I first cameout, had no qualms in treating me the same way. Honestly, we had a betterrelationship because I wasn’t hiding my self-loathing anymore and could get professionalhelp for my mental illness. However, this peace was partially influenced by thefact that I came out with the caveat that I still saw homosexuality as sinfuland would never “act on it” by way of dating, relationships, marriage, orsex. My dad held the opinion, and even said it out loud, that “whatmatters most is that you know I love you and you know what’s right.”

This would make thingstricky when shit hit the fan and I came out AGAIN, this time saying that I’mgay AND I’m not going cut love out of my life anymore. Suddenly my dad has towrestle with his two major concerns: that I know he loves me and that I know “what’sright” (in this case that homosexuality is wrong and I cannot follow God completelywhile believing and acting otherwise). Which is going to win out?

My dad, in a very incharacter moment, just…didn’t talk about it

I remember overhearing himtalk with my mom and say “I just can’t talk about this, I’m not going totalk about this” when she tried to ask what he felt about my announcement. Thiswent on for several months. Luckily I was away at college so there wasn’t a lotof tension. I knew something like this would happen. I had braced myself

But then….he slowlychanged. Even before he reached the point of accepting my sexuality asperfectly healthy and normal (which is where I think he is now, he’s hard to read),he started to talk about things. He told me that he would be at my wedding, nomatter what. He listened to me when I talked about unhealthy relationships andtheir effect on me. Even though he, internally, held a certain belief, hisexternal actions were…supportive and, dare I say, loving (?)

So it becomes a complexquestion

If love is an action, notjust an emotion, was my father loving me despite not supporting thathomosexuality can be morally expressed?

Honestly…I don’t know

Maybe I’m just thankfulthat he did what he did. Maybe I’ve set the bar very low. In some ways, I thinkI have. However, at the same time….I question wonder….if someone believesthat you are doing something wrong but genuinely treats you no differently thananyone else, or actively takes actions of love, where does that leave you?

Two of my best friendsdon’t know where to land on the homosexuality issue. Quote: “it feels likeboth sides have good theological arguments.” However, at the end of the day,they still treat me like all their other friends. They ask me about my datinglife, they encourage me to find someone, they support me when I get my heartbroken

So again, it becomes aquestion, where does the importance lie: in the beliefs, or the embodiedactions? Both? Neither?

I don’t think you can lovethe sinner and hate the sin when hating the sin means treating people as lesseror different. Hate and love are actions

But can you ideologically condemn the “sin” and still take actionsof love? And if you do…are those actions still love? And if they are, are YOU aloving person despite your beliefs?

When it comes to the people like my father and friends…I end upunable to answer…

“Do you feel like the doctrine breedshostility and homophobia in every Christian even though the message of Jesuswas actually to love indiscriminately? Is it possible to do these thingssimultaneously?”

Short answer, yes, absolutely.

There’s a reason why I don’t sayflatly that you can see homosexuality as sinful and still love gay people. Thepeople who I think get closest are literally the most influential people in mylife who I may honestly just be giving a break

The problem that comes with saying “Jesusloved everyone so why do Christians not love gay people” is that Jesus DOESN’Ttell you to accept every part of the people you love. Jesus calls you to loveyour neighbor but still see their wrongful actions as wrong. So when you alsobelieve that homosexuality is wrong, you believe that LOVING gay people meansNOT ACCEPTING that their love is ever good

If the belief that homosexuality is(in any way) morally lesser than heterosexuality (I would agree with thisstatement) then yes, the current sexuality doctrine of mainstream evangelicalisminherently breeds and generates homophobia.

And I believe that in most cases, thisleads naturally to hostility as these people fail to actually interact with andmaintain any relationships with real gay people. You get a large socialcommunity which views something as morally reprehensible, and then fails tointeract in any way with those same people they judge, and also has a doctrineof working to change the world and make it more of “The Kingdom of God on earth”,and you have a storm brewing

I simply cannot look at the instrumentalways that evangelical Christianity has helped form, maintain, and strengthenthe institutional homophobia in my country without coming to the conclusionthat “condemning homosexuality” at a religious, doctrinal level will not INEVITABLYand UNAVOIDABLY create real-world damage against gay men and lesbians

In some ways this contradicts my lastanswer, so make of that what you will, haha

#long post

[oceangl1tter]

postulating

Free Will from the Prison of His Mind//

LaPlace's theorem states that since humans = atoms, universe = atoms, and atoms = little thingamuhbobs that follow something called physics then all we are are fleshsacks of atoms moving in some predetermined way and some demon (LaPlace's Demon), an omniscient being, can predict the exact time place velocity all these atoms are heading, therefore, my action of not writing this supposed essay on Free Will is in fact, inevitable and unavoidable, a destiny conjured a few zillion years ago,, therefore: I will not fight it. I will not wrest myself from the cosmos and break free of my programming and write this essay. Starting this would be the antithesis of my argument that I haven't written yet. No, humans do not have free will and No, machines will never have free will. That's so sad, but If I can't have free will, no one can— not even Alexa.

In which I sit at my Vendor tent and Sell expensive fish to Loyal Customers///

I feel like I could tell her everything and yet nothing at all. Is it okay that I let her hurt me? Is it okay that I let her know that this hurts me? My family meets some cool Canadian family while on those asian bus tours  and we have dim sum together. The dad's a good talker. He tells us about this time his friend essentially was stuck in this infinite vomit vortex because a fishbone had fallen the wrong way and kept setting off his gag reflex. Since then I have been wary of these cold-blooded creatures, but here I am, doing things I don't want to do but also don't mind doing. When will I get tired and want more?  Think I'm a greedy vendor selling fish for selfish reasons. +/

i took them out /// please CAN I GET EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR THE ONIONS YEAH don't ADD THEM IN BECAUSE IT MAKES IT VERY BITTER AND MOUTH-YUCKY AND I HAVE CLASS IN LESS THAN 10 MINUTES AND I STILL NEED TO GET readY SO I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO WASH DOWN this UNGODLY TASTE:

FUCK eggshells, i feel like i'm WALKING on omelettes. SHIT IS SLIPPERY and i'm WOBBLING OVER HERE WORRYING ABOUT WHAT IS ACCEPTABLE anymore for me TO say or do. WHAT does it mean when YOU WANT an egg easy medium or hard?????

I could have gone off and let my mouth run wild into the wind. Ogyu Sorai was a Japanese Confucian philosopher who sort of shit on traditional confucian ideals of rebranding people through virtue. Some proverb that I can't read says that if you break the legs of wild horses (that would much prefer the open fields than stinky circuses) and force them into being performance horses, you would never be able to get them to do it and they'd just die broken. I'm here holding these words back, fenced in with the other things I've dismissed dumb infatuations. Some slip through, under stupid metaphors that I nonsensically add but I'm out of shit so I guess I'll just say it instead of slipping the command in like i'm fucking Lemony Snicket with that STOP  type writer STOP shit STOP

please don't read this because i'm embarrassed but i'll write it here anyway because a part of me is like no one reads this and no one reads beyond the keep reading part bc i sure as hell don’t and i can be the hopeless romantic hoe i wanted to be in a past life instead of a hard rock ass hoe drowning myself in boys and parties but also if this is being read none of this is being said so it'll never materialize in real life:

I want to say good night but I think that'd be too weird and also sad if you think about it because the action in essence is not a reciprocated thing and I don't want to be taken for a poor fool but also I hate that I care about this because I usually run my mouth on the interwebs about whatever the fuck I want (sponsor me fools!) and it shouldn't be weird, a good night message is no different from telling someone to fuck off and that it's the lag or like literally anything else because there are actually no norms to what someone can and can't type except maybe nothing illegal because I don't fuck with the NSA agent that's watching me type this.

It's nice to make someone laugh. I think I have a toothache. Slowly but surely I will be able to look straight ahead and tune in longer and not think about what shade of brown it is or how they close and scrunch for a moment sometimes or the stark contrast between the tinge of competitiveness at the edge of words compared to answers to open-ended questions and the word idyllic and how homeless men apparently have objections against chipotle chips that didn't need to be offered and how I keep searching and searching  even though I know in the end there's nothing and that I make all of this up out of reckless abandon. God, truly melodramatic.

And now I have to think of a gift that's not too conspicuous that it seems like I'm overdoing it but not something generic that it seems like I don't care out of SHEER bitterness but also, I'm overthinking it, and no one really thinks that far. I am at the fucking max levels of self-awareness.

On one hand I think it'd be best if I just cut things off while I still can, only because of how short of a time this thing has imploded thanks to skyy vodka and spoopy time sadness. but I'm vain and flawed and I'm scared of phantoms. I also KNOW I can move on because I’ve done it so many fucking times in the past. I just need to bloody let go.

I'm also frustrated because I don't know what I can or can't say or do anymore because it just does not sit right and I do NOT want to be like those hormonal fuckboys who think it's okay to keep on making advances despite being told not to and ALSO those fuckboys who think that they deserve love purely because they want it and discard and shit on anyone that doesn't do exactly that. FUCK those guys. But also I can't tell what's happening up in that brain and I don't know how anything is perceived and what opinions, boundaries, judgements have been made following my idiot mistake. I am shit at card games, what the fuck is the point of strategy when you can just toss the cards in the air and call it a day.

But also I know this shit is not sustainable only because I want to hold One hand which is bizarre because oh gosh actually making contact with someone that’s a human?? what a fucking nightmare, but it doesn't even need to be the whole hand, like one finger,  and that would suffice. but i can't. and also like,, gross,,...... !!!! but also??? I feel like a fucking child in some asian supermarket wanting something I can’t have and having to put it aside near the register on the candy rack or something lmao the amount of things that would be on there. like, goodbye ! jar of endless seaweed roll from 168! was nice to know you! my child-sized stomach misses what could have been!! preposterous. I think I should stop before I type any more stuffings that I’ll read in the future and shake my head at.

#mystuff #poetry