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#which i will accept with dignity but it will make me very sad because (sincere moment)
senselessalchemist · 4 months
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apparently I preordered an audiobook when I had a free one from audible (yes I know but if they want to give me a poor person an audiobook I am too weak to resist, also it's how I get my stormlight archive fix every few years) and I don't know what it is and I am also afraid to check because I am a very weird coward with issues about notifications
#what could it be#i know its not stormlight archive 5 because i would be having way more an excited fit if it were#them fuckers are my number 1 comfort books to listen to and it would be cool to have a new one#sighs#last time i checked everyone was theorizing kaladin would die in 5#which i will accept with dignity but it will make me very sad because (sincere moment)#kaladin stormblessed being his depressed and traumatized and extremely ill self and both continuing anyway#but also recognizing that he couldnt continue in the same way#have helped me get through some real tough shit#also navani strangely enough who i was like okay with up until RoW#but then getting more of her experience while i was being severely emotionally abused kinda... yeah#but yeah my new audiobook isn't stormlight 5 so#maybe if i force myself to check it'll be a fun reveal#and then i can listen to a book i was apparently into enough to preorder#last new book i read was in august 🙃#and i feel such pressure to read so i can be a better writer#but i dont waaaaant toooooo because emotions can be painful and i don't want to hurt#sincere moment over#positively i have written 26kish words and i kind of have an idea of how things fit together#just gotta clme up with the overarching structure for this one#the present-past flip-flop was an accident that came from the fic starting out as a one-shot and then getting Too Fucking Long#and then i decided i liked it and had a little fun time trying to tie each part to the next with some specific imagery or theme or event#this one can't do that... or at least not in exactly the same way#i have a couple of ideas and i guess ill see what works#i like gimmicky bullshit too much and i apologize#but luckily no one has to read my fics so they can't complain that im gimmicky#on thursday i have a dreaded dentist appointment but on the plus side i have often written the best in medical waiting rooms#fingers crossed#(also on thursday i am getting a pakige with stuff that will let me set up a 2nd monitor and that is exciting)
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fayeimara · 3 years
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Meant To Be Series || One For Every Billion
Episode 3. Angel's Blessing | Pt 1
Your weeks in Miyagi flew by so fast, you're a little sad that you'll shortly be heading to stay with your aunt and uncle in Tokyo soon. It didn't feel like you'd spent nearly enough time with Toshi. You'd also had only a couple days to visit Tobio and Miwa, your cousins from your mom's side that also lived in Miyagi, but you didn't realize it wouldn't be nearly enough time. You'd had to promise him, Miwa, and their parents that you would stay with them the next time you visited.
You had a little over a week left here and Toshi and the guys from Shiratorizawa had just started their summer break so it was the perfect excuse to make the most of your time left while taking them out to celebrate. You'd gotten to know them well during your stay, with constant drop ins to their practices - You could swear even Coach Washijo had warmed up to you! ...or maybe just gotten used to tolerating your presence.
You'd also spent a lot of time chilling with the guys on their time off but that was usually chilling indoors playing video games at one of their places or stopping by cute little shops. Toshi, Tendou, and Semi had even come shopping with you a couple times which was a hilarious circus in itself but you repaid the laughs you got by torturing them and buying them gifts. Although you didn't realize it wasn't quite regular at first but they got used to it... well, at the very least Semi stopped getting flustered and just let you have your way.
It's not like you couldn't afford it and when you said that to his face, he literally just rolled his eyes and said something about rich kids which you threw back in his face because... hypocritical! At least you had your own hard-earned money, but you just refused to tell him how and why it was still so much and you think he was kind of concerned now.
Regardless, you'd be leaving soon and you really wanted a special night to commemorate this trip and your new friendships so you told the guys that you all were having a nice dinner somewhere, your treat. They protested that at first but you stood firm and finally they picked the nice sushi restaurant you were headed to for dinner tonight.
Hence, you out here in a chic semi-formal outfit, which is basically a cute dress and flats with a couple layered necklaces and matching bracelets on each wrist.
"Y/n!" You're standing with Toshi and Tendou, already outside the restaurant when you hear your name. Looking over, you see Semi, Yamagata and Soekawa walk up to the three of you.
"Thank you so much for offering to treat us tonight!" Soekawa says as they reach you.
Semi's scowling like usual but he sounds relaxed when he adds, "Yeah, although it really should be us treating you."
You laugh and shake your head, "No way! I'm just so glad to have made great friends like you guys here, how can I not want to celebrate our friendship before I leave?"
"I wish you could stay." Yamagata's looking down both literally and figuratively, "You could come to Shiratorizawa and we could chill all the time like we have been."
"Aw, you'll still have me!" Tendou exclaims with his arms up in the air. He's moving towards Yamagata, who dodges before he replies.
"We see you every day! It's not the same, she's actually nice and doesn't always poke fun at us for every little thing!"
You giggle at them because their dynamic is great, yeah, but what you think he really means without saying it is that all these boys need is some platonic estrogen in their lives.
Tendou narrows his eyes at you when he hears though and you think he knows you well enough to know you're amused at their expense so you're ready for his move.
"Hmm..." He pretends to think, "Maybe if we kidnap her, she'd miss her train to Tokyo and have to stay here longer!"
Before he even finishes his sentence, he's running at you and you're embarrassed to say you shriek in surprise before spinning to run away, calling over your shoulder, "It doesn't work that way! I'd just get on a train the next day!"
Too bad you're not watching where you're going because you run right into a wall in your path. Just a metaphor this time because this wall stumbles back with a soft 'oof-' as its arms reach out to wrap around and steady you while you fall over together.
Oh my god, you just ran into, and took down, chocolate boy- you mean chocolate eyes. Wait, no- "Oikawa!" His name slips from your lips in disbelief as you look up at his face and then your face turns to what you're betting is a very embarrassed shade of red - and for too many different reasons, oh god.
He's a little stunning stunned but you think that's from the fall so you can't fault him when he responds, "Angel?"
Tendou's standing right by the two of you and you swear this boy really doesn't know how not to tease in an already pretty embarrassing situation because he just has to say, "So.. Y/n. Getting up off of our rival anytime soon?"
"I'm so sorry!" You blurt out again as you carefully try to move off him without using him as leverage since, you know, he just took the brunt of a fall that was your fault for the both of you. You also don't want to embarrass yourself any further by accidentally placing your hands anywhere intimate inappropriate.
His arms only release slightly and he's already sitting up while you're kind of maneuvering your limbs to find purchase on the ground around and in between him so you end up basically straddling his leg and your faces too close for comfort in that split second before you stand back up. And you never want to think of this again. Like if there was ever a time for a hole to open up and swallow anyone into oblivion it would be now and that person should be you.
He's way nicer than you would have expected from a pretty boy though because he just laughs brightly as he stands too, "No need to apologize! I think we reversed and I was just the one in the way this time."
"No, this one wasn't you at all. I'm really sorry, Oikawa."
Another voice chimes in, quite seriously, "Dropped the honorific already, Y/n? And that's the second time in minutes.. I wasn't aware you met more than that one time."
Even Semi is teasing you?! He almost got you for a second, his voice was perfectly serious, you only realized because you noticed the glint in his eyes when you looked over to make excuses. So instead you.. still make an excuse.
"I didn't grow up with this? It's pretty normal to use someone's name without honorifics back home!"
"Hmm." He looks like he'll drop it, but oh my gosh, Yamagata picks up the let's make fun of Y/n game by throwing back, "I don't know Y/n, you've had no trouble fitting in like a local for weeks. Seems suspect."
You look to Toshi for support but he's silent and just calmly looking back at you.
What. Is. This.
Even Iwa and the other friend behind Oikawa are various degrees of amused. Like. What?
You can't look at him, but you'll make it worse if you don't so you literally use all your remaining dignity to turn your probably flushed face back to Oikawa and all your control to keep a serious, sincere expression before trying to apologize again.
"Please ignore them, they were just telling me how nice I am since I don't tease them when they're down but apparently not enough to return the favour. Anyways, I hope you can accept my apology." No way are you saying his name again, because whether you use the honorific or not now, either option will just get you teased more.
You finally manage to look into his eyes again and that's when you realize that you're not the only one that's incredibly flustered. Like, he is too? Did he hit his head when the two of you fell? And.. has he just been staring at you this whole time?? Oh god, you're wearing a dress! Are you somehow flashing yourself?? The guys would tell you right? You quickly run your hands down the flared skirt to check without looking and making your consternation obvious, but no, everything seems in place.
He clears his throat, catching your attention again, and then there's a smile on his face, maybe more like a smirk, "That's okay, really... Now we can make it up twice."
Suddenly, your embarrassment is forgotten and you're smiling back. How can you not? You had said that back then because, what were the chances, really? So you definitely hadn't expected that cute moment with a cute boy to mean anything and yet here you are.
"Okay, yeah, sure." You lightly laugh out your words, because you're a little unsure about your coming offer but you're still about to go for it. "I'm treating these guys tonight so, if you and your friends would like to, you're welcome join us. If you think that might be enough to make up for running you over this time."
He's a little taken aback and shaking his head, "I can't let you treat me."
"Why?"
He blinks like he doesn't understand, "We both have to make it up to each other anyways, right? So that wouldn't make sense-"
"But we'll join you." His friend Iwa cuts him off as he steps forward, "We're celebrating his birthday tonight anyways and it'll be nice to have some buffers for his stupid."
Aw, his pout from last time is back and he's actually whining, "Iwaa, you're so mean to mee. And on my birthday?"
"Ohh goodie, this will be fun!" Tendou is literally the heart eyes emoji now but you think it's from the thought of all the fun he'll have torturing so many different people tonight.
"Yes. We have a table booked because we were unsure how busy it would be." Toshi adds, "I will inquire as to increasing our reservation."
It seems Oikawa's realized that he's going to be having dinner with his enemy and honestly looks a little sour about it but then you catch his eye again and he sees the smirk on your face. He tilts his head as he studies you because maybe he's only just realizing you're not such an 'angel'. No, you're definitely more a devil, it's probably why you and Tendou get along so great.
Either way, it looks like he's made his choice because he gestures for everyone to head into the restaurant after Toshi and now there's nine of you instead of the original six.
As you wait, you're properly introduced to Iwa - who is actually Iwaizume - Hanamaki, and finally Oikawa, before you introduce yourself. The first two call you by last name, but Oikawa calls you Y/n-chan or even just Y/n and you let it go because who are you to insist on proper etiquette when you're not even from here? Yeah, right, that's your story.
You end up sitting next to him and you think that was definitely manipulated by at least his friends if not also Tendou, who's managed to snag a front row seat right across the two of you.
It's definitely lively with this group and once everyone places their orders, it only gets louder as they all start talking and joking around with each other. For rival schools, they're making a surprising effort to get along, minus Tendou, but you think everyone has mutually decided to ignore his jibes.
"So..." You look over to your right at Oikawa with a bright smile to match his, "I didn't get to say it yet but.. Happy Birthday!"
"Aw thank you Faye-chan! I'm pretty lucky to have an angel wish me.. I have a feeling I'll be blessed for this year - if not the rest of my life!"
Ack, why are you blushing again? Is he genuine, flirty, or right on that line in between that you usually manage?
Probably the last, since you can't tell and you're the master at it. Okay then, fine. Let's play, pretty boy.
"Hm, I guess you didn't know that an angel can only pass blessings through tears or kisses.. if you want a blessed year, you'd have to make your angel cry... or fall in love." You inform him casually, holding eye contact the entire time so you don't miss the widening of his eyes, the colour on his cheeks, and that completely taken aback expression that slides on his face. Yeah, you went there. You have no filter when you're being impulsive but it's not like anyone else is listening either so you can be a little risky.
With a smirk, you finish, "Not just anyone can receive an angel's blessing after all. You'd have to be one of the luckiest guys in the world."
Something slightly shifts across his expression, like he reached a thought or decision you can't read, before he composes it to a conciliatory smile, "Well, then I'll just have to do my best to make sure I don't make sure I don't make you cry."
You get a warm, fuzzy feeling even though you left that opening for him, because that's a pretty sweet implication to make. You know you're both playing, but you can't help but wish he actually was going to try and make you fall in love.
Your wrists tingle at that thought, like an ever present reminder that fate in love is chosen for anyone who decides to follow that path. You refuse to get sad and melancholy, you've known the multiple markings on your wrist have decided your supposedly perfect matches since the moment you was born.
Unlike others in the world, who either choose to completely follow that path and dedicate themselves to the names etched on their skin or even those that completely oppose the idea of that kind of pre-destined love and shy away from it, you decided long ago that you would be neutral and give your soulmates a chance when you found them. So, you're not exactly available to just anyone, but you're not closed off to options, especially given that you're a little on the rarer side given the number of names currently hidden on your skin.
You don't realize you're adjusting the bracelets on your wrist until you notice him watching with a curious look on his face. What are the odds this cute boy you ran into has six currently indecipherable markings on his own skin? He hasn't rolled the sleeves of his shirt up this whole time so you haven't been able to check, if you would have even bothered to before, but by now you have a small, little percent of you that wants to know. It's just considered pretty bold and forward to ask or really keep trying to catch a glimpse of others' marks and even you're not that shameless. Maybe he's among the people that decided to completely ignore his marks?
Okay, now you're a little sad, but it's supposed to be a good night. You can hear the chatter of my and his friends around the two of you, but it feels like, for a moment of mutual quiet between you both, you're in your own little world together, with just each other and your shared thoughts. Or maybe you're just projecting.
You're glad when Iwaizumi distracts him from his other side because you dropped into this rabbit hole in your head so fast, that you're sure you got all weird and quiet and pretty obvious. You look up and see Tendou staring at you with a raised eyebrow and a pretty rare serious look on his face. Aw, he's checking to make sure you're okay. You really hope he didn't hear your conversation, though, because he's been one of your sounding boards on this matter way too much so he needs a break and you just don't want to talk about it.
Thankfully, the food arrives and your mood is back up as you all enjoy the delicious appetizers and variety of sushi that's been prepared for your table. You make Oikawa try a spicy dynamite roll when he admits he hasn't before and Tendou and Semi both keep stealing your gyoza before you can slap their hands away.
You're full well before any of the guys at the table when the topic of your trip comes up.
"Y/n-chan, what did you mean when you said you're not from here earlier?" Oikawa looks over to ask before dipping his last roll into some soy sauce and popping it into his mouth.
"Oh, I'm actually visiting Japan for my summer vacation. I spend my school year in America."
Maki pipes up from across Iwaizumi, "That's a pretty specific way you worded that. You live there?"
You smile happily knowing that he's caught on fast, you're a big fan of how words are used for communication, "I mean, I've spent so much time in different countries with friends and family and am usually travelling when not in school that I actually did mean that how I said it. Technically, I've been living here the past month, haven't I? And the next month, I'll still be living in Japan, only to return home when school's about to start."
"You'll be in Japan, but not Miyagi?" Iwaizumi is holding his green tea, his head tilted like he's trying to read between the lines now that he's realized you mean more than what you typically say.
"Yeah," You fiddle with your chopsticks, lining them up perfectly before looking around the table with a sad smile, "I'm off to stay in Tokyo instead, next week. I'll miss it here, but I'm also looking forward to my next adventures and new friends." You say the last with a smirk aimed at the Shiratowizawa guys who either smirk, whine, or roll their eyes (I see you, Semi) in response. Toshi seems completely unaffected but you know he'll miss you so you're not offended.
"So that's what you were yelling about taking a train before you ran into me." Oikawa states with a smirk while your face gets hot remembering that awkward encounter outside. Didn't you decide you never wanted to think of it again?
"Weren't you the one 'in my way'?" You throw back quickly but he's already shaking his head.
"No, pretty sure you made it clear that one was on you and only you, and who am I to argue with an angel?"
"Oi, shittykawa, stop trying to embarrass her, you're acting like trash." Wow, can you take Iwaizumi everywhere with you? Knight, shining armour.
"Iwa-chan! I think you've already forgotten what day it is again!"
"Yeah, it's the day you're supposed to grow up."
They're going to start bickering again so you think Soekawa is diffusing the tension when he return everyone to the original topic, "It's almost like you grew up here, though, I wouldn't be able to tell you're just visiting since you fit right in."
"Even when you claim not to be familiar with common customs!" Yeah, thanks Yamagata, I'm going to ignore that.
"Well I have a lot of family in Japan. Toshi, of course, and a few other cousins, aunts and uncles in different regions. So I guess it's like a second home for me where I've spent the majority of my breaks when I'm not travelling anywhere else." Soekawa already knew that, as did the rest of the Shiratorizawa guys, so you're just following his lead to keep the peace and share a little more for the others at this point.
"So you come back a lot?" Why is Oikawa asking? You don't want to read too much into it.
"Sure, if I don't have any other obligations, then yeah, I love spending time here."
"Why not just move? You could live here and come to Seijoh!" Aw, Maki's the sweet one in their group.
"If she were to live here, she already knows she should come to Shiratorizawa." Guess who?
Oikawa's reply follows so quick after Toshi's statement, like he just knew where it was going, "Yeah, no. She'd definitely like Aoba Johsai much more."
Ugh, you should have expected this too. The table erupts into a slightly heated debate but you can't fault this rivalry, it gets even worse between the academies back home so this is really oddly polite and low-key in comparison.
You excuse yourself and leave them at it to go wash your hands before dessert arrives and surprise, surprise, who do you bump into on your way back out to the dining room but pretty boy himself. Definitely curious if he was waiting for you for some reason or it's just a coincidence because, you know, people are allowed to use the restrooms when they need to.
"You know, Angel, you promised to make it up to me for running into me earlier."
"I thought we were supposed to make it up to each other?"
"Well.. then, how about we choose what we want from each other to fulfill our promise?"
You hesitate because it seems like he already has something in mind, but you don't think he would ask for anything you wouldn't be okay with. You're caught in his gaze as you take way less time than you probably should to consider his proposition before agreeing, "Well, it is your birthday, I guess. So tell me, how can I make it up to you?"
His smile becomes positively wicked, if you could call it that on a cute teenage boy, "Since I'm hoping for an incredible year and I got it wrong the first time, I'd like to ask for an angel's blessing."
You choose your words carefully, because, is he asking for what you think he is!?
"I don't suppose you want to make me cry?"
He chuckles and it's just a divine sound that rolls right through you, holding you still in this mesmerizing moment, "I'm sure I already said I don't ever want to make my pretty angel cry."
"I'm not your anything, Oikawa."
"Call me Toru, Y/n-chan. You're at least my friend, aren't you?"
You swear he's just stealing your smiles and blushes, because you can't stop the amused pull of your lips and light, warm flush at his playful tone. "I don't know, Oikawa, I don't think friends ask for kisses in return for... small mishaps."
"Well, I think we're friends," he pouts before settling back into an almost serious expression with a confident, sincere smile on his face, "but I'd really like to know what it's like to be the luckiest guy in the world."
"Hmm." You pretend to think it over but you already know your decision because you're so ridiculously charmed by this guy, "Well.. I suppose if it's a birthday wish..."
And before you can overthink it, you cross the step of space between you two, lean up with your hands resting on his chest for balance, and close your eyes before softly gifting him a small kiss on his cheek, right by the corner of his mouth. You must be as reckless as your friends say but you can't help but love the electric feeling that comes with the adrenaline of making bold and risky choices.
You want to look away so badly but you're also stubborn so you force yourself to keep meeting his eyes as you drop back down from your tip toes and pull away slightly. He'd immediately reached for your waist when you stretched up to reach him, as if to help steady you, but you're realizing now that was like some conditioned automatic reaction because he's actually looking frozen in shock and a little disbelief now that you're studying him.
Is he surprised that you actually gave him a kiss in some way, when he asked for it? Wow, you hope he wasn't completely joking around.. you hadn't thought you were reading that wrong. Oops?
His eyes are slightly wide again and mouth a little open like he was about to say something at whatever point he froze- why does he look so cute like this?? What a face he's making.. You smile at him and repeat your wish to him, "Happy birthday.. Toru."
He blinks like he's coming out of a trance, arms gradually dropping back to his sides, and this time, his smile is slow to spread but so sweet and happy. You think for a moment again about the marks on your wrist and wonder.. no. What are the odds?
"Angel, you... I'm really already the luckiest guy, aren't I?" Oh my gosh, why does that make you blush? He sounds incredibly genuine, maybe that's why.
"I guess, as your friend, I'll have to agree." It was supposed to come out sounding playful and careless, but there's a certain tension as you're kind of looking at each other for a moment before you feel the need to get some space from this.. weirdly intimate scene. You start to step backwards, with a friendly smile back on your face, "I'll see you back at-"
"That was my birthday present, right?"
You stop moving and tilt your head in confusion, "...yes?"
He smirks, "So what about 'making it up' once, let alone twice?"
You're pretty sure disbelief is sliding across your face now, "Seriously? I don't just go around giving birthday kisses, what more could you want?"
His laughter is warm and ripples in the space around you, "Don't look so suspicious, angel! The kiss was a birthday gift, we both agreed. But to make it up for running into me earlier, I just think exchanging our socials should be more than enough. We're friends anyways, right?"
"Oh." Okay, now you're a little embarrassed. You guess that's not really a sacrifice and it would be nice to keep in touch with him when you leave. It makes you sad to think you'd never run into or get to talk to this sweet chocolate boy again. "Okay, sure. But here's the thing, Oikawa. That's your request, not mine, so you still have to make it up to me for running into me that first time." You hold your hand up, briefly uncurling your first finger to make your point, before dropping it and tilting your head at him with what you hope is an innocent smile on your face.
He doesn't look thrown off at your challenging retort, so you're pretty sure he's got a feel for your unpredictable nature at this point. Oh well, you're sure you can still keep surprising him if you continue your friendship.
"Feel free to let me know what you want whenever you're ready then, but don't wait too long, Angel. It would break my heart to think I didn't pay off my debt to you."
You laugh off his lighthearted words with your own, "What a heavy word for our deal! Aren't devils the ones that hold debts over you? Pretty sure angels wouldn't ever do something so unkind."
He raises an eyebrow at your playful statement before remarking, "Are you trying to warn me? Pretty sure devils make deals, too, the debt just comes after. Sounds familiar, now that I think about it."
Your mouth drops at his teasing, even though you once again left him that opening, but before you can respond, Tendou finds you both, "Are you guys hiding out here from the rest of us? Sneaking some alone time, hm?"
You roll your eyes, because at this point, there's a lot worse moments he could have walked into that he'd never let you live down so, you're just thanking your own blessings. Toru's actually the one that snarks back something about getting away from him because he's annoying, as you all head back to the table together. That's when you also realize that he didn't head to the men's room so.. he'd been waiting for a moment alone with you.
Was it just about the birthday kiss and both of your 'debts'? Or was there something more left unsaid between you both?
You settle that thought away for later while the two of you quickly exchange your contacts before dessert arrives. Toru offers you his mochi in exchange for trying some of your coffee jelly and you almost give him a bite of your own spoon before you see the blush on his face. See, you do forget some things are still considered more intimate here in Japan than in North America.
He's still about to go for it, leaning towards you and opening his mouth for a bite, when you withdraw your spoon with an embarrassed laugh because, hey, his friends are watching pretty closely. Although, Toshi, Tendou, and even the other Shiratorizawa guys must be pretty used to you slipping on these things around them because it hasn't caught their attention.
You take that bite yourself, savouring the flavour and texture, while grabbing a spare spoon and handing it to him with a look out of the corner of your eyes. He accepts it with the slightest pout, actually looking a little disappointed, but then ends up digging in and finishing the rest of your dessert. He's ignoring your protests, grabbing the cup and turning so he's blocking you as you try to reach around him so you retaliate by taking away the rest of his dessert, which is pretty good too.
You find a moment while the guys are distracted and finishing up to quickly stand and find a staff member in order to cover the dinner before anyone else can do anything about it. When you return, Toshi and Tendou are looking at you, Toshi with a resigned look on his face and Tendou smirking at you. Yes, you're stubborn - these boys know it, some of the others are learning it, and the Seijoh guys will be getting their first taste of it. Pun intended, you guess.
You all stay a little longer before Toshi decides it's time to be heading back so you, him, and Tendou stand while the rest of the guys look at you three like you're missing something.
Iwaizumi's the one to speak up, kind of like he's not sure if you're oblivious, up to something, or that he's missing something, "Uh.. we need to pay the bill."
"Wait, are you serious?" And cue the realization for Semi, but then, he's also spent the most time with you apart from your cousin and bestie here, "Y/n?"
You just smile at him, not wanting to actually upset anyone, while Tendou responds, "I don't know why you look so surprised, Semi-Semi."
The others guys are starting to catch on and protest but it's Toshi who cuts them off, "If it pleases her to have taken care of the bill for us, than we should not disrespect her wishes. Do not throw her gift back in her face or feel indebted, I can guarantee it's no trouble to her and it makes her happy."
"Thanks Toshi!" You hug his arm while looking at the guys, "He's right, I never really agreed with anything when we first discussed it and this was my intention the whole time. I hope you guys enjoyed it and don't let it bother you, because I, for one, am just happy to have had this time tonight with all my new friends."
You swear, even Iwaizumi blushes and Maki actually hugs you. Toru's giving you a narrow-eyed look but he does have a smile on his face so you know he's letting it pass. If you're going to be friends, he'll have to realize that you're not one to stand on formalities or politeness. You do think things through and observe etiquette when necessary but, mostly, you do what you want to when you want to, especially if it means making the people you care about happy.
When you exit into the warm, summer night, you all start to head the same way. Most of the guys have grouped off with Soekawa and Yamagata walking furthest ahead, far enough that you can barely hear their voices, let alone their conversation. Just behind them are Toshi, Tendou, and Semi close enough that you can heard the lilt of their conversation but can't quite catch the words they're saying. Somehow, you and Toru have gravitated together and you think it's done purposefully again, because Iwaizumi and Maki are trailing slowly behind the two of you as if to give a little space too.
Toru is complaining about something Iwaizumi said but it seems like a pretty standard occurrence, their antagonist friendship, so you're just listening to the sound of his voice and appreciating the moment in time. You don't know when, or even if ever, you'll find this sort of relaxed comfort with someone you only barely know. You guess that's why you miss it when he grows a little quiet before asking, "So what's your life like when you're living your school year in America?"
You look up at the sky, thinking over all the thing you might say, and you settle on, "Busy, I guess."
"Hm. Me too, but that's typical, right?"
"Is it? What keeps you so busy?" You're looking over at him now so you see the smile slip on his face while it seems like now he's the one looking at something in the distance.
"I mean, other than school, I'm the setter for Aoba Johsai's volleyball club."
You laugh out loud but explain when he looks a little offended, "No, sorry, it's just, I already knew that!"
"Oh? Keeping tabs on me?"
"No, silly." You reach out to smack his arm and he grabs it like you've hurt him, pouting yet again. "I mean, aren't you and Toshi rivals? Like, everyone here plays volleyball, right?"
"Except for you?" He sounds almost certain, with just the slightest question in his voice when he throws that out there so you smirk, interested to see his reaction.
"I'm the setter, you know. Toshi apparently said once that I could teach you a few things." He whips around to look at you and you can see he's torn between several emotions - definitely curiosity and competitiveness among them.
"You were talking about me?"
"Semi mentioned it to me, I don't know if Toshi has actually ever complimented me on my skills to my face." You laugh a little, thinking about your cousin's quiet, serious, and direct nature. "Wait, no. He definitely has, but I think we were in single digits then. He hasn't seen me play in person for a long time."
"Hm. Well, he does have a good eye for talent."
"Right, like I don't know how much he bugs you about joining his team." You tease lightly, tilting your head so you can look sideways up at him, "Haven't you heard? You should have gone to Shiratorizawa."
He rolls his eyes, matching your tilt with his own to look sideways and down at you, "Don't you start too or we're not friends anymore."
"Aw." You copy his signature pout, "Toru-chaaan, you're so meeaan!"
He's shaking his head in complete disbelief at your silliness but you've got him smiling wide - and slightly blushing - too so you consider it a win.
"We're going to be a really strong team. I wish you could come see me play." There's a pause and you think he's finished but he adds, "You know, when we beat your cousin and his team."
"Hm." You don't agree or disagree, choosing instead to divert, "Or you could see me play and I could teach you that thing or two."
"I wonder." He actually sounds thoughtful and you're kind of glad because it means he's not as conceited as he sometimes acts. You wonder why?
It's almost time to move on, and you're anticipating your goodbye already, "You know, I'm glad we ran into each other."
He looks surprised that you would say that and thrown off because it's not flirty or teasing. You're genuine and sincere in your statement and you're sure that comes across.
"Really?"
"Of course, why wouldn't I be? You're a good person to be around, Oikawa. I can tell that from just a couple run ins and a couple hours. I'm happy to call you my friend."
The look he sends you is as undeniably warm, tender, and sweet as it is slightly apprehensive and thoughtful. You don't know why he seems to question his value or worth in some way, but you can tell he appreciates your words, however he decides to accept them.
"I'm glad to have run into you too." It's said softly before he seems to switch back into his confident smirk, "I'm really glad to have received a blessing from a pretty angel like you too."
You're not going to blush, nope. No. You can feel your face heat up so you throw out a random statement to cover your fluster, "Aren't all angels pretty, anyways?"
"You're extra special." He smiles and then adds, "You look especially pretty tonight."
"Uh.. thanks. I mean, it was a celebratory dinner one way or another."
He's still studying you, particularly the bracelets that cover your wrists, so you're not exactly surprised when he reaches out a little, to lift your arm. You don't notice you've stopped and are facing each other at this point because he's asking, "Do you always wear these?"
You study them when you don't need to, for once avoiding that inner urge for strength to look up, face your fears, and see what might lie in his expression. "No. Obviously I can't when I play."
"The rest of the time?"
"Not really. Not these specific ones a lot, either, but other bracelets or sleeves or gloves, sure - it's probably like fifty-fifty." You don't know why you're even telling him this but his expression is a little apprehensive, a little hopeful, so maybe you want to see where this goes.
"Why?"
You look up at him then, at an unusual loss for words and not knowing if he understands what it's like. He must know, of course, like every child in this world learns growing up, how diversely fractured the beliefs in this concept is. You're sure he's aware of the people that completely support the soulmate system and push others to believe in it just as faithfully. He must also know about the other side of the scale, people that literally hate the concept to the point of forcing their disbelief, mistrust, and active rebellion onto others. That's all common knowledge quite well understood around your world and anyone can fall anywhere on the scale, like with politics or religion.
But does he understand how it feels, even in a world where almost every person has at least one name on their skin, to have six? To either be an object of awe, or envy, or disgust. To be you, in that position, an overthinking, overachieving daughter of an almost empirical family, and to have to account for how the marks you were born with might be received in the various environments you're in. You haven't even been able to use your real last name for years thanks to your last deal with your grandmother.
You don't know what his mark is, if he has more than one, you don't even know what he thinks of any of it and where he falls on that scale. And you're supposed to explain why?
He's still looking at you, waiting for something. You don't know if any of your thoughts have hit your expression because you're so conflicted and a little scared. But you're also oddly curious too, like a little part of you is hoping that out of the 7.6 billion people in the world, you just happened to run into and click immediately with one of your six actual soulmates. Seriously, what are the odds? 1 in every 1.2 billion, you guess.
It's like he can see you're retreating, even though you feel like you haven't even moved to take a breath, and he asks, "Can I?"
It's like your heart stops. Why? Why? But you're biting your lip and nodding, like in some kind of trance-like moment. You don't move to help him figure out the clasp and he's just about to snap it open-
"Oi!" You look over and see all the guys stopped a little bit further down from the two of you, where they're clearly going separate ways. When did Iwaizumi and Maki even pass you both??
You burn with embarrassment and concern at how completely unaware you were while talking to Toru. Has it only been a minute or two since you stopped walking? It felt like eternity and a single moment all at the same time.
When you look at his face, he has an equally complicated mix of emotions on his face, that same embarrassment and shock, but also frustration and.. what looks a little bit like a question, if you both can stay here and see this moment to its end. What end would that be?
"Yo! Stop flirting, it's getting late!"
Without looking over at the others again, the both of you pull apart and, metaphorically, pull yourselves together before breaking eye contact and turning to walk the rest of the way.
"You know," You've almost reached the group and you don't expect Toru to talk so you're a little startled when he cuts into the silence but, "I'm really excited to meet mine."
You look over at him at him again, grateful he's diffused the tension so beautifully, even though you're left with what feels like hundreds of questions. You push it all away to bring back some of that easy comfort you were enjoying and answer him with a bright, sincere smile, "Me too. I always have been."
You hope that conveys something to him or explains it a little. You've never been ashamed of the marks on your skin. You're not enamoured with them either. You're simply open to what the possibilities could be and happy to accept whatever makes you and the people you care for happy.
You don't bother questioning the odds or worrying about all the pressing thoughts you've chosen to tuck away for the rest of the night, even after you say your goodbyes and part ways. One way or another, at least some of your questions will be answered. Because in a little over two years from now, if you're the youngest of all your soulmates, the designs that so prettily cover the six currently unreadable names between both of your wrists will change as if they've melted away. A little over two years from now, on your 16th birthday, the names of your soulmates that have been etched into your skin from birth, will finally reveal themselves.
And from your perspective, what you do then won't be any different from how you operate now. Because your future and your fate will always be your choice.
-x-x-x-
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Masterlist
Behind The Scenes!
-Y/n is pretty solid on where she stands regarding soulmates, including hers specifically - She wants to give them a chance, which means no serious commitments or relationships until she's learned who they are and met them; if any of all of them want nothing to do with her, she's decided she'll move on and explore new possibilities with a higher degree of commitment at the time
-She's aware things don't go as planned or imagined.. you might call her realistically optimistic.. she's also well aware through personal experience that what you think you want to do might not line up with how you feel about people since, you know, you can't control the feeling, heart wants what the heart wants, etc, etc :')
-And, like any teenager that is constantly undergoing different experiences, particularly one with a tendency to overthink many things, she also suffers moments of doubt and questions if her philosophy should change - for her, there's no perfect answer, just the best she can do or choose
-Essentially, she has a flexible mindset in that, while she has her opinions which she stands for pretty steadily, if new information does manage to sway those opinions, she's always willing to adapt and learn, consequently updating those opinions and beliefs with new information
-Oikawa... isn't playing around. Actually, he loves to play around, lol, but he's definitely interested in Y/n. He also definitely questioned their odd instant attraction to each other but he's not going to push or make anyone actually feel uncomfortable, especially with a ridiculously high chance of being wrong
-He wasn't lying when he said he's excited to meet (and know) his soulmate, but he's also still just a kid and he currently already loves something real/tangible with all his being so he's okay to wait for something that's supposedly meant to be
A/N: Hi friends! I felt like the written part of this chapter was really long so I'm posting the SMAU part on a different post tomorrow morning. It'll also give me time to make sure everything is in line since I have a lot more trouble with putting those together, as previously mentioned. As always, feel free to send me a message if you noticed any mistakes or even just have anything you want to say about the story so far. I'd love to hear from you! <3
Taglist: @delusivist
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ladyonfire28 · 4 years
Video
youtube
An interview of Adèle in Cannes in 2017 for 120 battements par minute. 
A couple of people have asked me to translate it so I did it. Besides, what Adèle says about the violence that oppressed people experience and how it’s necessary to protest and be violent sometimes to be heard feels very relevant today...
0:01
Interviewer : “Hello Adèle Haenel - Hello - Happy to see you again for this very beautiful film 120 BPM. I was born in 1980 so I was little during the Act Up period but I watched it on TV and my mom would complain and say « another violent thing ». There was that bad reputation that didn’t correspond to the real purpose and activism of Act Up, which is something that I realized when I watched the film. And I wanted to know if you also had a bad image of it because of the media.”
Adèle : “Well first of all I think it’s very upsetting that we would call « violent » people that are oppressed. Because we can’t see the violence of the powerful people but it’s always there, through the barriers they’re putting. So it bothers me when we blame people who can only express themselves and be heard this way. So when we tell them « there’s other ways to say this ». Well no actually. Because there are things, if we just talk about it and we tell each other « see you in a month »  well in the meantime people are dying, and have their lives destroyed.”
“So the violence of Act Up is a symbolic violence. And yes we can discuss it and it’s discussed in general meetings, we see it in the film. But it’s a symbolic violence against real violence that is done to people that are dying without knowing from what. So it's completely legitimate. And same gores for other issues.”
*noise in the back ground*
“I’m just waiting for this to be over” 
“yes I hear”
“It’s not an ideal place”
“Not it’s not. But anyway, I think it’s also because of the way it’s received. It’s just like when we talk about strikes, we always say « ugh they’re on strike again » , but from what I see and think, 90% of the time strikes are justified. If people are striking, there’s a reason, their life conditions are getting worse. Going on strike is a commitment, it’s not just people saying « well let’s in bed, I don’t care I don’t wanna work, I’m lazy. » That’s what media try to send as a message, that people who are politically committed are either violent or lazy because they’re rail workers who don’t wanna go to work”
“But we’re talking about a social fight, it’s very important for things to be spelled out. Because this is also a weapon: to divide all the people who could unite because we have a common interest; 90% of people have a common interest. Of course there are differences inside the group but there’s a shared interest for more equality. And there’s an interest that is not shared at all but that exists and it’s to divide to dissipate all the energy : « they have more of that, you have less of that, he’s a lazy person » etc. Those adjectives are very annoying.” 
« So anyway, I think Act Up’s operating modes at the time were completely justified and thought through. It’s not a violence that is useless. And even if it was the case, it wouldn’t matter. »
3:20
“Do you think that bad image comes from an homophobia that was quite present in France at the time, and even today. When we see what happened with gay marriage here, it’s quite hard to understand those reactions when we come from Belgium.”
“I don’t know. Yeah probably. And it’s one of the things that Act Up use to say : « we’re not sorry for being there, we’re not asking you to allow us to be there, we are there already. » So voilà, and yes homophobia… I always saw this as a form of cowardice. For me, one of the reasons that could explain homophobia is the fact that homophobes get together to say « we are not like that ». It’s a pretty coward move because it’s hard to define yourself or to take charge of your life and to hide in values that aren’t even ours. Maybe some are really convinced but I think for most people it’s cowardice.”
4:30
“I learned a lot thanks to the film and I did a lot of research after because I was so interested by it. And the goal of Act Up wasn’t just to say « we have HIV, we’re here, use condoms », but it was also very concrete actions with laboratories, it’s justice.”
“Yeah and we see this in the film. Act Up’s actions were very important. There was this prudery that was very present at the time that lead to people saying « woohoo be careful we’re going to have HIV if we make love », it’s ridiculous when we thing about it. How public authorities resisted prevention campaigns just because of prudery. They ignored everything and it was a disaster. So Act Up’s actions were salutary, necessary. Maybe shocking. I’m not necessarily for shocking people, it’s not the only way to change things but at some point it’s important to get out of that masquerade, because people’s lives are at stake. Voilà.”
5:38
“I love the structure of the film. At first I was a bit lost I wondered if it was going to be just people talking for two hours, I wasn't sure how it was going to progress, but then I thought it was smart to take off and go to the most intimate, the most personal side of the story. And I wanted to know if on set if it was different for you to be in that group movement and then to get closer.”
« Well I wasn’t the focus, it was really on Nahuel and Arnaud who are the main actors. I lived it as a collective shooting. We’re always around 25 people when I have a scene so voilà. And it’s one of the strengths of the film. Its strength is that on the one hand, when we hear about the film we’re like « so I’ll be able to have my own opinion about Act Up, to know if I agree with their operating mode, their strategies, their politics » which is also interesting. But at some point the film, without using fake emotions, becomes a groundswell, it sweeps us and it becomes warm. And we go from the strategical policy to the policy that was experienced and to the political movement. And the political movement is a redefinition of the self, and the connection of the self to the group, and to accept that you're not all of yourself but that you're a little bit of other people. And there’s something that runs through us, and it’s more lively than being self centered : « this is mine, it’s my body, my house, it’s my thought, it’s me etc. » We’re trying to destroy that, and we can feel that in political movements and it's galvanizing for the youth still today. We can see this with the protests we had in Paris that we can call violent. We can feel the influence of that experience, it’s not just me and you, we’re together and we’re doing something that is not well perceived by people but it’s lively.
7:50
“Yes it’s a very lively movie. That’s what I felt first, even if there’s a lot of sadness in the end. There’s that desire to live, to go to the beach barefoot and to dance because we’re in Cannes *laugh*”
“Let’s go dance ! *laugh*  No but I agree. People would say that it’s a weeping film etc. but to me it’s really not the case. Because the film doesn’t say « look, it’s heartbreaking, we’re dying » . It’s true it’s heartbreaking and we’re dying, and we can’t stop ourselves from crying but we’re crying because we’re alive, we don’t cry because we say « oh what a surprise, someone dies » , we cry because life is full of possibilities and death is an end to that. So its talks about life and death. It’s not death like.. I don’t know if you see what I mean. It makes us want to live and to get out of those false pretenses, of those wasted times, of those fake causes and fakes ideas. With things that don’t belong to us, that enslave us, causes we serve but that are enslaving us because we didn’t really think this through. It's the order in us that's settled, and want to blow everything up, to live for real. And I think that’s a huge fucking work. To take responsibility for our life.”
9:19
“There’s a lot of dignity in this film, there’s no violin like in Philadelphia with Tom Hanks”
“No there’s not and I like the fact that there’s that unmasking thing in those collective scenes. We see a character being too hysterical but we really see them becoming hysterical, and we also see them calming down, we see everything. That’s what is so great, through unmasking each other all the time, we get to a real sincerity that couldn’t have been possible with a single voice. This is where the film is really generous, it’s not unequivocal, it doesn’t say « we think this » it says « this is how different voices have been woven around the same idea, around the same necessity. Yes, they were excessive but they were more or less aware of it, unable to get rid of it » etc. So we don’t ask the audience to just stick to one idea. And I love that.”
10:24
“I found the group scenes very impressive, I imagine that there was a lot of rehearsals because it’s impossible to have those immediate responses from everyone.”
“There were a lot of cameras. It’s the first time that I shot a film with three cameras. You’re talking about the scenes in the amphitheater right ? The majority of the films are amphitheater scenes, movement scenes and club scenes. I think, what was important was to meet each other and decide who would talk, because it's very written actually. And then what’s important was the architecture of the group, and that nobody would step on somebody else saying « wait I’m gonna try to shine more ». Because I think people would have noticed that. In the film everyone respected the place they had without any pretense. The relationships we had were real, and we got along well.”
11:27
“What do you want the audience to keep in mind after watching the film ?”
“That we really need to live, this is what I would say, voilà. And it’s not important to  keep objects the way we saw them, it's important when they settle and decompose. They become us, it’s not just an object anymore but becomes a small humus somewhere in our head. Voilà.”
“Well it’s great Adèle, thank you so much, you’re perfect”
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wedreamedlove · 4 years
Text
Speech Quirks in MLQC
Archived Reddit post but this is the improved and updated version. I've linked the Reddit one though because @sharinluna made fantastic comments which I hadn't considered.
Spoilers include content up to Chapter 18 and some unreleased calls and cards. None of these are plot lines though, just snippets to support their speech quirks. Also, my eternal disclaimer is that I'm pulling from CN lines so don't be alarmed if the quotes differ.
BAI QI
The cutest habit this man has is defaulting into a sincere and solemn tone whenever he doesn't know how to respond to MC. He's so genuine it hurts. It's especially apparent when he goes along with weird topics.
Here are some examples of Bai Qi being an adorably confused puppy but trying to do his best. He always takes MC's concerns seriously:
[CN Soaked Heart SSR Misunderstanding Date] Context is they keep misunderstanding each other today. "Though I don't understand women's hearts, yours is the only one I don't want to get wrong. Can you give me some more time?"
[Lightbath SSR Tenderness] Context is after he excessively praises MC to her embarrassment. "I'm sorry, maybe it's because I didn't convey it well enough. But I just wanted to express all my thoughts out. Next time, I hope I can use a better way to express them to you."
[Summer Loving SSR Undo Fail Call] Context is MC having a terrible day and mis-sent her messages to Bai Qi. "If you don't want to go to work then you can take a day off. As for your hairline... how about..."
[Blaze Up SSR Age Rage Call] Bai Qi takes MC's opening extremely seriously, thinking something happened, before having a small laugh at her being called "auntie" by the boy. But he immediately regains his seriousness to talk it over with her.
It's not that Bai Qi doesn't get jokes, but his response to them tends to be serious too (which leads to unintentional killer lines). I think his humor tends towards more of the deadpan kind, like Li Zeyan (except Li Zeyan has some witty sharpness).
I've also seen people mention this phrase and I love it because it encapsulates him so well: Bai Qi is either shy and blushes or he goes straight for the kill LOL.
Here are some examples of lines that may sound sleazy or too flirty if they weren't delivered in such a straight and sincere manner LOL:
[Cold Shower R Refreshing Moments] When you pick the choice saying you thought he was going to upload a picture he goes: "Um... I can DM you." I've seen that he uses a smiley in English but it's not there in Chinese.
[Against the Light SR Sweet Bomb Moments] When you pick the choice saying that he's become cola-flavored he asks: "What do I normally taste like?"
[2018 Valentine's Text] I chose a conversation path which had me telling Bai Qi that he needs to get used to pet hair if he's going to raise a pet and that one day I'd like to raise one. He seriously promises to do his best to get used to pet hair and asks to raise one together.
[Grocery Moments] When you pick the choice that he can use his other hand to carry bags he answers simply: "My other hand is for holding yours, so I can't use it."
Honestly, the takeaway in Bai Qi's speech is the unconditional support and love he gives to MC. He never questions her feelings about things, and oftentimes vehemently objects to her thinking she's bothering him or that her problems are trivial or silly.
He wants to hear about her happy news, her sad news, and everything about her. (I joke that Bai Qi is the perfect fit for the meme where it's like "Why are you crying?" "Oh, it's just these onions" "What the hell did you say to my girlfriend!?").
He always gives a heads up before he acts, even though he generally tends to be moving already. Like going to pick up MC in the rain or at any other location.
I wouldn't be surprised if some of this came from his family life. Through his Rumors and Secrets and [Seize SSR Sad Thoughts Call] you can get an idea that his mother didn't have any standing with his father, often got cut off, and nothing she wanted or felt mattered.
Even though Bai Qi was young at that time it probably left a mark on him because he never does that with MC; he lets her express herself before he brings up any of his feelings. Her feelings are always valid, but he does tend to be a proactive fixer and provides solutions if he can (much like Li Zeyan). Bai Qi will try to solve MC's problems, but I'm sure if she just wanted to rant then he'll gladly listen (ex. [Blaze Up SSR Age Rage Call]).
One other notable thing is that, in Asian cultures, social harmony is very important and that's why there's a culture around speaking indirectly and preserving the other person's dignity.
So Bai Qi's indifference and ability to cut straight to the point probably doesn't stand out that much in the West but it's actually a bit shocking and impactful in Chinese. Especially because he doesn't shy away from expressing his feelings. He might stutter, cough, clear his throat, and be all embarrassed but then he just delivers monologues of blunt emotion (ex. [Love Of My Life SSR Goodnight Wish & Wish Calls]).
I find that Bai Qi and Li Zeyan are the most stereotypical types of masculinity among the four men.
ZHOU QILUO
As always, I need to thank my Luoluo-loving friend for the discussion here because I always have the least thoughts on him. Oops.
I don't think I'd be wrong in saying he has the most range among all the men. He gets to play with a pouting baby voice, his acting hero voice, his KEY voice, his Helios voice, and then his normal voice.
He has a harder speech habit to pin down because of this massive range, but I think you can catch how he leans into a sly or teasing tone. He's very quick with comebacks and jokes and I'd say he's the first to establish an inside joke with MC (both being each other's superheroes).
He and MC have a relationship where they're both building each other up. If Bai Qi provides unconditional support and acceptance then Zhou Qiluo is all about cheering her on whenever possible.
It's also interesting to point out that even though he's so emotive on the outside, when things are serious he goes deadly quiet and calm. You can see that in Chapter 8, 14, and his Helios persona in Chapter 17. They say watch out for the quiet ones, but more like watch out for the people who use their jokes and loudness to hide their quiet intensity.
I'm not sure how clear this came across in English but Luoluo notably repeats himself on several occasions in Chinese. It's sad because it's like he's reassuring the person he's talking to and himself at the same time.
[Main Story 14-20] "It'll be okay, it'll definitely be okay [...] You'll be okay."
[Main Story 14-20] "Miss Chips, wait for me... will you wait for me?"
I've also noticed that, even though he tries to be as genuine as possible, he's actually not as emotionally open as someone like Bai Qi. Luoluo tends to bring up his own emotions in a third-person or hypothetical perspective. For example:
[Call after Main Story 11-8: Important Decision] Luoluo calls and talks around the subject of an important decision he needs to make (aka. turning into Helios) and whether or not MC would be able to accept him if he changed completely into another person.
[CN ASMR Bear Cub's Troubles] He tells a story about a number of bears doing things and they're clearly supposed to represent him but he never admits that either.
We're about to hear much more from Helios but, as a start, he's extremely curt. Luoluo is definitely pulling an opposite here with his speech style, but it's neat how you can hear tones of Zhou Qiluo throughout too.
See, there's these things called modal particles in Chinese that you stick on the end of your sentences to give them meaning, emphasize meaning, strengthen meaning, or soften the meaning and tone.
Luoluo has the habit of using one 啊 (ah) which can have all these sort of meanings and other ones you just sort of pick up on:
[attached to the end of a sentence to indicate admiration]
[attached to the end of a sentence to show approval or self-protectiveness or to urge or enjoin]
[attached to the end of a sentence to indicate doubt]
[sign of pause in the middle of a sentence to draw attention to what one is going to say next]
[attached to the end of each item enumerated]
In Luoluo's case it makes his sentences sound more excited and younger and goes really well with his bright atmosphere. However, when he's Helios, this modal particle is dropped completely. Helios is flat, blunt, and basically pulling a Li Zeyan LOL.
XU MO
I think I've talked way too much about how Xu Mo is a wordsmith LOL but I'm always impressed by how he can corner MC into accepting his invitations without it being creepy. But I suppose this is a point of contention due to localization decisions and voice direction.
Putting that aside, it has to be noted that Xu Mo asks for a lot of permission. His speech style is designed to get you to lower your guard as much as possible, which I've touched on in my wordsmith post.
Again, returning to modal particles, Xu Mo has ones that basically gives all his sentences a "May I?" "Could I?" "Would you...?" style.
[Sound of Silence SSR The Little Prince Call] "Would you like to hear what I have to say?"
[Call after Main Story 3-1: Movie Invitation] "Then, would this lady be willing to watch Manhattan with me this Sunday?"
[CN Archery Date] "May I ask this lady here for some assistance?"
To be more specific, he uses a lot of 吧 (ba) which has these sort of meanings (the first one especially):
[a particle used at the end of the sentence to indicate discussion, suggestion, request, or instruction]
[an indication of agreement or approval at the end of the sentence]
[an indication of doubt or guess at the end of the sentence]
[an indication of uncertainty in the sentence]
[it can express a pause, tone of assumption, difficulty in making a choice, or dilemma in the sentence]
You can imagine how much this softens his sentences right? It's why he's so good at sounding disarming LOL and then you walk away and take 5 seconds to realize he said something alarming and/or got you to accept a date.
On another note, much like Bai Qi, Xu Mo quietly accepts all of MC's feelings and doubts. But he's much more of a natural at gently refuting her points and wording things in a way that helps her mature slowly (a big theme with him).
Compared to the others, he checks more often on whether MC wants to listen to his opinion before he gives it. Or, he supports his view from an empirical standpoint (like how he's been the adviser to Miracle Finder pretty much at the beginning and seen her growth from there).
Because of how his speech habit is designed to be soft when he's Xu Mo, it makes his Ares persona really interesting. He drops his softeners and speaks in a more clipped tone but he still maintains his politeness.
At the news conference in Chapter 16 you can hear how he uses starts using rhetoric to push the MC around (as a mix between Ares and cold Xu Mo). He actively challenges her opinions, compared to before when he was just providing alternative (and supportive) views. The news conference is actually amazing because in Chinese they both become EXCESSIVELY polite to demonstrate this new distance between them after Chapter 13.
CRIES WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT XU MO AND ARES. So, Xu Mo also has a quirk that's very apparent in his ASMRs where he repeats himself because he flusters the MC so bad she's always like "Huh!?".
But as Ares he literally has a line where he coolly says that he doesn't like to repeat himself and that he won't repeat himself...
Switching gears, Xu Mo also shares a habit with Li Zeyan where they give nonverbal responses. In Xu Mo's case, he goes "Mm?" "Hm?" or "Oh?" and tends to raise the end of his sentences to soften them. Li Zeyan just grunts acknowledgements LOL but it's the hottest noise in Chinese.
Lastly, Xu Mo really, really loves nicknaming the MC and has called her kitten, sea otter, this lady, night owl, etc. It's adorable! (I'm not mentioning his use of little fool or silly girl because I'm going to go more into that in Li Zeyan's section.)
LI ZEYAN
Okay, let's get the elephant out of the room. One of his speech quirks is calling MC a dummy, idiot, or moron LOL.
But there's an extremely interesting cultural difference here that people might not be aware of. In Chinese, the word he uses for "idiot" and "dummy" (笨蛋; bendan) is actually light and almost negligent. If I were to give an analogy, it's more like he's calling you "silly" all the time.
Obviously, the fact that you're being called something still hasn't disappeared. But the word Li Zeyan uses lands as a 0.1/10 on the insult scale in Chinese.
I don't have enough background in sociology to explain why this is but there's an interesting talk about the vagueness of Japanese insults vs. English ones that basically applies here to Chinese too:
One likely reason for the relatively few Japanese words for 'fool' is vagueness. In both English and Japanese, the words for 'fool' have meanings that vary along scales of friendly–hostile, or joking–serious. In English, at one end of a scale are words like silly goose and at the other end are words like stupid asshole. And in Japanese, at one end are words like kamaboko baka 蒲鉾馬鹿 'silly chump' and at the other end are words like baka-yarō 馬鹿野郎 'damn fool'. The difference is in the degree of lexical diversification along the scales of meaning. English seems to have more 'fool' words with more specificity – Japanese seems to have fewer 'fool' words with more vagueness. There are decided pragmatic and communicative advantages to such lexical vagueness. If you call me a stupid son-of-a-bitch, I know exactly what you mean. But if you call me a baka-yarō, I cannot be so sure of what you mean. The expression baka-yarō 馬鹿野郎 is one of the most insulting terms in the Japanese lexicon, but it is vague and can range in meaning from an affectionate 'silly-willy' to an abusive 'jerk-off fool'. Baka-yarō is so widely used that it has become semantically weak and vague. Such vagueness can serve to conceal hostility and thus to maintain social harmony.
Carr, Michael (1982). "Baka and Fool". The Review of Liberal Arts. 63: 1–18. Retrieved 2013-04-19.
On this note about insults, all the other guys have their own terms for the MC as well. For example, Xu Mo and Bai Qi use 傻瓜 (shagua; fool, silly melon) with Xu Mo often adding more affection with the diminuitive 小 (xiao; small, little).
I've seen Luoluo take some heat for also calling the MC "stupid" like Li Zeyan but did you know in Chinese he only uses 笨 (ben; dumb) which is even more lighter than Li Zeyan's word? It's like a 0.01/10 on the scale.
Putting this cultural difference of insults aside, I've mentioned above that Li Zeyan is also a fixer of problems like Bai Qi. Except he goes straight for it without checking with the MC (overbearing CEO style). He decides on an action, carries it out, and then tells MC after the fact.
[Marauder SSR Change Hotel Call] He switches her hotel immediately and gets her to move only after he's done it during their call.
[Chapter 11] Pretty much the entirety of this chapter and how he had her treated at the hospital, escorts her to and from work, assigns bodyguards for MC, etc.
Basically, whenever Li Zeyan receives MC's problems, he'll make a dry comment about it first, but then end up solving it.
I also think that, out of the rest of the guys, he questions MC the most on everything (remember, Xu Mo isn't naturally confrontational until he goes cold or Ares-mode). Li Zeyan can't seem to stop himself from challenging MC's views and opinions every step of the way (in his mind, he's doing it for her own good).
On a side note, I think he also has the habit of being unable to say what he truly wants to say sometimes and you can hear him swallow back a lot of words or just sigh heavily. For example:
[Call after Main Story 11-19: Routine Greeting] Granted he was really emotional due to story reasons here. But there were so many pregnant pauses and heavy silence.
[Gentle Confrontation SSR Tacit Game Call] In Chinese, when MC opens with her question you can actually hear him go "Uh..." LOL. IT'S HILARIOUSLY CUTE. But the rest just has him sighing deeply.
I mentioned above that he and Bai Qi share a similar sense of humor in being deadpan, but Li Zeyan definitely takes it to another level. He also delivers a serving of dry wit or sarcasm. I think it's cute that he mimics the MC a lot though and their inside joke is him recalling everything she's called him.
[Main Story 11-16] Same speech pattern. "Are you Li Zeyan...?" "... Are you a moron?"
[Winter Infatuation SSR Before Sleep Call] "Even though on the way back you were clearly crying, 'Ah, so tired... ah, so sleepy...', the moment you get home you have the energy to turn on the computer?"
There's too many occasions where he quotes her words about him being an unsmiling K(ing), but whenever it happens some cute back and forth ribbing gets brought up. Like how it slipped out of her mouth, but he just so happened to recall it too and it's not like he remembers this stuff on purpose or keeps it in his mind. Uh huh.
Despite how exasperated he gets though, Li Zeyan never stops participating in all the silly games MC drags him into. Is this true love--- LOL.
Lastly, I want to bring up how Li Zeyan gives nonverbal responses much like Xu Mo except his are like grunts of acknowledgment. His favorite words is probably 嗯 (ng). The sound is more like "en" with a bit of a nasal noise and just means "mm". It can be used as a question too.
But hands down I think it's the hottest noise in Chinese LOL especially when Wu Lei (Li Zeyan's Chinese voice actor) does it in his deep voice. Erm, oops, getting distracted.
My main point here is to say that Li Zeyan leans towards being brief and monosyllabic, moreso than the other men. For example, in [Main Story 18-8] Li Zeyan uses the shortest words possible to reply to Xu Mo. At one point he literally just goes "Reason?".
I actually think he uses the most Chinese idioms to get across his meaning as short as possible (but this would be impossible to carry over in English...). Xu Mo tends to use 4 character combinations too but those are for scientific theories and don't count.
A Chinese player actually compiled the majority of idioms you hear from Li Zeyan LOL and here they are. By the way, these are supposed to be said as one whole phrase but I've added spaces to make the pronunciation clearer:
少见多怪 (shao jian duo guai); lit. seldom seen very strange. It means making a fuss or being excited over something normal.
上蹿下跳 (shang cuan xia tiao); lit. leap up jump down. It means jumping around excitedly and being hyperactive.
当众出丑 (dang zhong chu chou); lit. public fool. It means making a fool of yourself in public or making yourself a spectacle.
差强人意 (cha qiang ren yi); lit. lacking improvement to one's expectation. It means being barely passable or barely satisfactory.
不近人情 (bu jin ren qing); lit. not close to human emotions. It means being unreasonable or inhuman, and this one was actually Li Zeyan asking if MC sees him as this.
乱七八糟 (luan qi ba zao); I don't think you can make this literal but it basically means a complete mess.
自作多情 (zi zuo duo qing); lit. self-made many feelings. It means being full of yourself, like a narcissist, or flattering yourself by thinking people love you when they don't LOL.
漏洞百出 (lou dong bai chu); lit. full of leaks. It means you're full of loopholes, inconsistencies, and all your arguments are faulty.
莫名其妙 (mo ming qi miao); I'm not sure if this can become literal either but it means baffling, ridiculous, or incomprehensible.
想都别想 (xiang duo bie xiang); It literally means don't you even think about it LOL.
笨手笨脚 (ben shou ben jiao); lit. dumb hands dumb legs. It means being clumsy.
罪加一等 (zui jia yi deng); lit. adding a cardinal sin. It basically means becoming doubly guilty or you just keep piling up wrongs.
叽叽喳喳 (ji ji zha zha); lit. chirp chirp. But it basically means you're being a chatterbox, babbling, and jibberjabbering.
Of course we can't forget 笨蛋 (bendan; dummy, idiot) and 白痴 (baichi; moron) which are the insults Li Zeyan uses the majority of the time, the former more than the latter. These aren't idioms though.
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maddrmatt · 3 years
Text
Kairi’s Epic Journey: The Quest for Sora
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Chapter 18: A Rift Between Sisters
Arendelle
“You can wait here with the boys for now, Kairi. I’ll be back soon with Elsa after I tell her about you and why you’re here,” said Anna as she led Kairi into a small sitting room in the castle followed by Pluto, Kristoff, Sven and Olaf.
“Okay, Anna,” said Kairi.
“Hopefully she’s finally done with him.  Honestly, tomorrow can’t come soon enough,” said Anna bitterly as she exited the room.
Kairi made her way over to a nearby couch and sat down.  Pluto leapt on the left side of her and laid his head in her lap as she stroked him gently. Olaf plopped himself on Kairi’s right and smiled at her.
Kristoff sat down in a chair across from them and let out a deep sigh.  “Tomorrow can’t come soon enough for me either.  I’m just glad this will all be over soon,” he said as Sven sat down on the floor beside him.
“Me too,” Kristoff said in his Sven voice.
“Kristoff?  If you don’t mind me asking, who is this Duke of Weselton you’ve all been talking about?” asked Kairi.
“I can answer that question, Kairi.  He’s a duke and he comes from a place called Weselton. It’s not too hard to understand, is it?” asked Olaf causing Kairi to smile a little.
“I think she needs a little more information than that, Olaf,” said Kristoff as Sven nodded in agreement.  “Well, Kairi, he’s a dignitary from what used to be Arendelle’s closest partner in trade,”
“Used to be?  You mean, they’re not anymore?” asked Kairi.
“No.  And the reason why is during the time when Elsa accidentally started an eternal winter, he ordered his bodyguards to kill her in an attempt to end it.”
Kairi gasped.  “That’s horrible!”
“Yes.  So, when Elsa brought back summer, she had the Duke and his men returned to their homeland and cut off the trade agreement between Arendelle and Weselton.”
Kairi looked confused.  “But if he tried to have her killed, then why has he been allowed to return here?”
“Apparently, he wants to apologize for what he did, and he believed the only way to show that he meant it was to do it in person,” said Kristoff.
“And do you all believe he’s sincere?”
“Elsa seems to think so.  But Anna believes he’s still up to no good.  Me?  Well, I don’t think he’d try anything especially now that Elsa’s got her powers under control. But I think this whole apology thing is just him trying to get the trade agreement reinstated.  All I’m really hoping is that once he’s gone, things will get back to normal between Anna and Elsa,” said Kristoff.
“What do you mean?  Have they been fighting?” asked Kairi.
“Not exactly.  I mean, they haven’t stopped speaking to each other.  But due to their disagreement on the Duke’s visit, things have been pretty frosty between the two of them.  Everyone in the castle can all see it,” said Kristoff.
“I still don’t understand it.  They’re not just sisters but best friends too.  Why would things get bad between them like this?” asked Olaf.
“I can answer that for you, Olaf and the sad fact is, sisters and best friends don’t always agree on everything.  And that can sometimes lead to things being strained between them for some time,” said Kairi.  ‘I certainly know what that’s like.’
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it, Olaf. If I know Anna and Elsa, they’ll patch things up in time.  They’ve been through too much to let something like this split them up again,” said Kristoff.
Olaf smiled.  “You’re right!  Once the Weasel goes home, they’ll go right back to being best friends again,” said the snowman as Sven nodded.
“I’m sorry that I came at such a bad time. Maybe it’s too much to ask all of you for your help in finding Sora now,” said Kairi.
“Don’t say that, Kairi.  You couldn’t have known how things were when you arrived.  And if there’s one thing that may ease the tension around here after all this, it’ll be helping you find your friend,” said Kristoff.
________________________________________________________________
Elsewhere in the castle, Anna approached the door to the audience chamber.  Pressing her ear to the door, she listened to what was going on within.
“Thank you again, Your Majesty, for allowing me to come to your kingdom as well as accepting my apology.  I only wish I could apologize to your sister personally,” said a male voice.
“My sister has made it clear she does not wish to see you presently so I will accept your apology to both of us on her behalf.  And I thank you, Duke, for abiding by our conditions as well as not bringing up the subject of trade between our homelands because my decision still stands,” stated a female voice.
In spite of herself, Anna smiled.  ‘That’s telling him, Elsa.  If that was what he was after all along, then way to beat him to the punch.’
“I assure you, Your Majesty, the thought of that never even crossed my mind.  All I wish is for relations to improve between our homelands and hopefully, someday you can both fully forgive my atrocious behavior,” said the voice of the Duke.
‘No chance of that!’ thought Anna.
“We shall see.  But for the time being, shall we consider our business concluded?” asked Elsa’s voice.
“Of course, Your Majesty. I shall depart for Weselton tomorrow morning.  Once again, thank you for everything,” said the Duke as the sound of his footsteps approached the door causing Anna to move away and flatten herself against the wall.
The door opened and out strolled, with an air of quiet dignity, a short man dressed in a fancy uniform.  He wore glasses perched on his pointed nose and he had a gray-haired moustache and matching hair although Anna knew his hair to be a toupee.
Neither he nor the Arendelle guard who was escorting him took notice of Anna.  They just continued to walk away until they turned a corner and were out of her sight.  She stared in the direction they had gone with disgust as she recalled the moment where the subject of his return had first come up and caused the current rift to form between her and her sister.
________________________________________________________________
Arendelle, A Few Months Earlier
Seated behind her desk in the royal study, the Queen of Arendelle looked over a certain letter for nearly the fiftieth time.  Suddenly, a familiar knock on the door was heard.
“Come in!” she called.
The door opened up and in stepped her sister.  She wore a look of bewilderment to Elsa’s confusion.
“What is it?” inquired Elsa.
“Sorry.  It still feels a little strange to actually be let in,” said Anna with a little chuckle.
Elsa chuckled herself. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, it’s just as strange for me actually doing the letting in.”
Anna laughed and then said, “Anyway, Gerda said you needed to talk to me about something so what is it?”
“Well, Anna, we just received a letter from the Duke of Weselton,” said Elsa indicating the letter in question in her hand.
Anna groaned in frustration.  “What does he want?  Is he begging you to reinstate trade between Arendelle and Weselton which I hope the answer is no?”
“It’s actually not about that at all, Anna.  Why don’t read it yourself and see?  It’s actually addressed to you as well,” asked Elsa holding out the letter.
With a look of confusion, Anna walked over to her sister and took the letter from her.  She then began to read it over.
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To Queen Elsa and Princess Anna of Arendelle,
I do not know if this letter will be read by either of you on account that I have no right to expect such a thing.  But if you are reading this, then I thank you in advance for I have something that needs to be said.
I wish to offer my sincerest apologies for my conduct during my last visit to your kingdom.  Having had much time to reflect, I am deeply ashamed of the way I spoke and acted when things took an unusual turn at the coronation.
Please understand that the shocking revelation of the queen’s abilities as well as the possibility of perishing overcame me with fear.  And because of that, I acted in a very inexcusable manner and for that, I am truly sorry.
I know my words in this letter will not be enough to convey my regrets. Therefore, if you will allow me to, I wish to travel to your kingdom and offer a more formal apology in person. Only then can I believe my conscience will be truly clear.
Once again, I apologize, and I do hope you will consider my request.  I do not wish for there to be any hard feelings between us or our homelands.
Yours sincerely,
The Duke of Weselton
________________________________________________________________
Anna reread the letter making sure she didn’t miss a single word.  Finally, she lowered the letter and burst out laughing.
“He has got to be kidding.  He must really be desperate for that trade agreement if he’s pretending to beg for forgiveness now.  Good thing we’re too smart to fall for it, right Elsa?” asked Anna looking to her sister who, much to her surprise, wasn’t instantly agreeing with her.
“Elsa?”
“Anna, please don’t overreact to this.  But after reading the letter several times, I have been considering granting the Duke’s request.”
Anna let out a gasp of horror.  “You can’t be serious, Elsa!”
“Anna, please calm down,” said Elsa rising from her chair and approaching her now seething sister.
“The Duke isn’t one of my favorite people either.  But part of ruling a kingdom is maintaining civil relations with our neighbors even those we aren’t particularly fond of.  And judging from his letter, it seems that he is sincere in wanting to apologize for his actions and I think it would be unwise to just ignore that,” said the queen of Arendelle.
“So, send him a letter telling him his apology is accepted and there’s no need for him to come in person.  Then that’ll be the end of it,” said Anna.
“Anna, it’s not that simple.”
“I don’t want him coming within a hundred miles of us after what he tried to do.”
“No one can defend what he did.  But unlike… you-know-who, he didn’t come to the coronation to cause trouble right from the start.  When my powers were revealed and I plunged the land into a dangerous winter, he got scared.  And having spent a large part of my life afraid of what my powers could do uncontrolled, I can’t really blame him for it,” said Elsa.
“He called you a monster, Elsa!  He tried to have you killed!”
“Anna, for the longest time, I myself believed that I was a monster.  Hearing it from him was no different.  And you can’t deny that my powers are capable of great harm when uncontrolled.  You should know that better than anyone.  Even if the Duke hadn’t tried to kill me to stop the winter, someone else with better intentions might’ve done the same,” said Elsa.
Anna folded her arms and considered her sister’s words.  She could understand why some people like the Duke of Weselton would be scared of Elsa’s powers and make bad choices because of that fear.  She had, after all, witnessed the destruction caused by Elsa’s uncontrolled powers and had a close call with death because of it. Still, despite Elsa’s logic, she still felt that allowing the Duke to return to Arendelle was a mistake.
Elsa took her sister’s hands into her own.  “I know you just want to protect me from him, Anna, and I appreciate that.  But trust me.  I’m not going to allow back into Arendelle unless he’s willing to follow certain conditions.”
Anna let out a sigh of resignation.  “Okay. If you think this is necessary to maintain good relations, then I guess we don’t have a choice.  But I want to help set the conditions, one being that I don’t to have to interact with him anymore than necessary and another being that he is not to bother Kristoff, Sven, Olaf or anyone else while he’s here among other things.”
“You’ll have your say in that, Anna, as long as you remember to be reasonable.  But before we start on that, maybe you should calm down a little,” said Elsa.
Anna huffed. “Fine.  I guess I’ll go tell the boys what’s going to happen and to prepare themselves for a visit from Weasel Town.  I’ll see you later,” she said frostily as she exited the study.
Elsa sighed as she went back to her desk.  Before beginning to look over more paperwork, she glanced at a picture on the wall of Anna and herself with their deceased parents, King Agnarr and Queen Iduna.
‘Mama, Papa, I knew when I became queen, there would have to be some tough decisions especially ones that Anna and I wouldn’t completely agree on.  I can only hope I’m doing what’s best for us and for Arendelle.’
________________________________________________________________
Arendelle, Present Time
‘He’d better behave himself for this night or so help me, he’s going to have to answer to me,’ thought Anna before taking a deep breath to calm herself.  ‘All right, Anna.   I know things haven’t been good between you and Elsa lately.  But right now, you need to put that aside if you want to help Kairi.’
Anna immediately entered through the opened doors and into the audience chamber.  Sitting on a throne directly in front of her was her sister. Elsa had her eyes closed and looked like she was relieved that the meeting was over.
A feeling of sympathy for her sister came over Anna.  ‘I guess the meeting wasn’t easy on her.  Then again, being in the same room with someone who tried to have you killed wouldn’t be easy on anyone.’
A few moments passed before Elsa opened her eyes and beheld her sister standing in front of her. “Oh, Anna!” she exclaimed.
“Hi, Elsa.  So, is that it?  Are we finally done with him?” asked Anna.
“Yes.  For now, at least.  There may come a time when we have to deal with him again in the future. But it is all in the name of diplomacy,” said Elsa.
“I know.  Even if we may not ever be friends, we have to keep things civil between us as you’ve told me repeatedly.  Personally, I hope the next time we see him won’t happen for a good long while.  But anyway, Elsa, our next order of business has come up,” said Anna.
Elsa snapped to attention with a confused look.  “Next order of business?  What are you talking about?”
“We have an unexpected guest.  And right now, she needs our help,” said Anna
Elsa’s confusion increased.  But she paid close attention as Anna related what had happened while she was meeting with the Duke.
________________________________________________________________
Meanwhile, back in the sitting room, Kairi was getting to know her new friends a little better. Currently, Kristoff was telling stories of his life before he lived in the palace.
“So, these trolls took you in and made you a part of their family?” asked Kairi.
“Yep.  They may be a little overbearing and embarrassing at times. But I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.  The day they took Sven and me in was one of the best days of my life.  And looking back on that day right now, it seems even better,” said the ice harvester.
“Why is that?” asked Kairi.
Kristoff blushed for a second before blurting out in his Sven voice, “It was the day he first saw Anna!”
“Sven!” exclaimed Kristoff pretending as if the reindeer had exposed something he didn’t want to be heard.  The reindeer just made a laughing sound.
“Aww!” exclaimed Kairi.
“It’s true.  That was the first day I saw Anna.  Who would’ve thought that years later, she, a princess and me, an ice harvester, would be a couple?” asked Kristoff.
“I bet the trolls always knew.  They are love experts, after all!” exclaimed Olaf.
Kairi giggled.  “I guess we have something in common, Kristoff. After I lost my old home, I was taken in by a pretty loving couple who have been nothing but the most wonderful parents I could ask for.”
A twinge of sadness came over her.  ‘I can only hope they’ll forgive me for just running away again.’
Pluto sensed Kairi’s sadness and nuzzled further into her lap.  Kairi smiled and stroked his head.
“That same day was also when I met Sora.  He was the one who found me, and I will never forget how he smiled and held out his hand for me to take,” said Kairi as a little blush appeared on her cheeks.
Olaf giggled. “Sounds like he’s a pretty special friend to you.”
“Yes.  Yes, he is,” said Kairi almost dreamingly.
Suddenly, the door opened and in strolled Anna and Elsa.  Kairi immediately leapt to her feet as Elsa approached her.  The Princess of Heart bowed before the queen.
Elsa smiled.  “You must be Kairi.  As queen of Arendelle, I welcome you to our kingdom and our castle.”
Kairi rose up and returned Elsa’s smile with one of her own.  “Thank you, Your Majesty.  This is my dog, Pluto,” she said indicating her companion next to her who barked happily at the queen.  
Elsa chuckled.  “It’s a pleasure to meet both of you.  But it’s not necessary to be so formal, Kairi.  You may just call me Elsa.”
“I did say you could call her by name, Kairi,” reminded Anna.
“Did you forget that already?” asked Olaf.
“No, I didn’t.  It’s just that my father always taught me to be formal until you got permission to be casual.  I just needed to hear it from Elsa herself first,” said Kairi.
“Your father should be proud that he raised such a polite young lady.  Now, Kairi, Anna tells me that there is a very important reason you’ve come to Arendelle,” said Elsa.
Before Kairi could say anything, Olaf chimed in, “Yes, Elsa!  Sora’s missing and we’ve got to help Kairi find him!”
“What Olaf said, Elsa. I hope that there’s something in your kingdom that can possibly lead me to him.  If you could help me find some sort of clue to where he is, I’ll be forever grateful,” said Kairi.
Elsa placed a hand on Kairi’s shoulder.  “If there is, we’ll help you find it.  You have my word that we’ll spare no effort.  But we can start our search tomorrow.  Right now, it’s late and Anna’s told me you’re in need of a good meal and a good rest.  So, would you and your dog care to join us for dinner?”
“We’d love to.  But you really don’t mind having a dog dining with you?” asked Kairi.
“We already have a reindeer usually joining us for meals nowadays so a dog isn’t a too unusual addition,” said Anna gesturing to Sven who gave a big smile.
Kairi laughed before she realized something.  “Will the other guest be joining us?”
“No,” said Anna and Elsa simultaneously although Elsa used a calm tone while Anna’s tone sounded as if she had just heard Kairi say something rude.
Elsa gave her sister a small glare of annoyance before turning back to Kairi and saying, “As one of the conditions of his visit here, the Duke is not allowed to dine with us. He must take his meals in his room.”
“Trust me, Kairi. You’ll be better off if you never have to meet him.  In fact, we’d all be better off if we’d never saw him again!” exclaimed Anna as she turned around and left the room.
“Anna!” exclaimed Elsa as she turned to watch her sister stomp off.  She let out a deep sigh.
Kristoff rose from his chair and walked over to Elsa.  “Don’t worry, Elsa.  I’m sure she’ll be okay once the Duke leaves.”
“I hope you’re right, Kristoff.  I hate that it’s been like this for these past weeks,” said Elsa.
“We’d better go calm her down.  We’ll see you later in the dining hall.  Olaf, Sven, let’s go,” said Kristoff as he left with the snowman and reindeer following him.
Elsa turned back to Kairi.  “I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“Oh no.  I’m sorry I said the wrong thing.  It’s just after what Kristoff told me about the Duke of Weselton, I’m not too sure that I want to meet him myself.”
“I’ve had Gerda make up a room for you in a different part of the castle from where he is and since he is leaving tomorrow, I doubt you’ll cross paths with him.  But in the meantime, let me show you to the dining hall,” said Elsa as she turned around and left with Kairi and Pluto walking alongside her.
As they travelled through the halls, Kairi mused on the things she had learned.  ‘I’d better watch myself around here while this Duke’s here.  After what he tried to do when he found out about Elsa’s powers, I’d hate to see how he’d react if he saw a Keyblade Wielder in action.  He sounds like the kind of person who would command the Heartless or worse, become one.’
Kairi then regarded the queen and saw the sad look on her face.  ‘It’s so awful that his presence here is making things hard between Anna and Elsa.  Seems I’m not the only Princess of Heart having trouble with loved ones.’
Between the search for Sora, the rift between Anna and Elsa and the presence of this Duke, Kairi never imagined a visit to another world would be filled with so much drama. She could only hope that things would improve soon enough.
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Onto the next chapter!
3 notes · View notes
ao3porcelainstorm · 3 years
Text
poison ivy & stinging nettles 24
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On Ao3
Pairing: Sherlock/OFC
Rated: M
Warnings: eventual violence, torture, swears, adult themes (no explicit smut)
Chapter 23 - Chapter 25
Chapter 24- Wildflower
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pick me a wildflower in the morning and i'll hold it with me always where I'm going and when i feel sorrow or death is in my view i'll wear my wildflower perfume
-Wildflower Perfume (The Dead Tongues)
~~~
“Which English chemist and physicist is credited with the discovery of hydrogen?” Amelia challenged on the walk to the museum.
“Easy, Henry Cavendish,” Sherlock answered. “Which artist is credited with starting the impressionist movement?”
“Is that a joke? Claude Monet,” Amelia shot back. “What’s the rarest naturally occurring element in Earth's crust?”
“Astatine,” he furrowed his brow. “What Greek hero was the Statue of David originally one tended to be?”
“Hercules,” she smirked. “What year was Prozac authorized by the FDA for market distribution?”
“I’ll give you a month and year- December of 1987. Though the Belgians approved it a year prior.”
“Could you two cut it out? You both have very big brains, congratulations,” John cut in. “We’re here.”
“How many years ago was this museum established?” Amelia whispered, pointing to the British Museum” entrance sign.
“267,” Sherlock smirked. “Who was credited with its early founding and contributions?”
“Sir Hans Sloane,” she replied. “What was the name of the 17th Century mansion that originally housed the collection?”
“Montagu House, and will you two quit it?” John nodded up toward the museum director and a pair of administrators who were approaching the trio.
“Good morning,” he greeted, shaking everyone’s hands but Sherlock’s, who kept his arms crossed in front of him. “I do hope you have good news.”
“I’ve determined who stole the painting,” Sherlock stated.
“And pray tell, where is it?”
Sherlock eyed the female administrator next to the director.
“Why don’t you tell us, Mrs. Harvey?” he asked and the woman immediately flushed.
Stammering through a lie, she realized the jig was up and sprinted for the exit.
Fortunately, two guards stopped her before she could get very far.
“The police retrieved the painting in her flat this morning,” Sherlock explained curtly, following the director through the main atrium of the building. “I deduced it was her after she mentioned having to pawn a necklace the last time I was here.”
“It was an easy way to make a quick buck with a not so famous painting,” John agreed.
“She was the only one who had access to it, along with two other interns who weren’t scheduled to be here the night it went missing,” Sherlock continued.
“Ironically, they attended an art show at a gallery I knew the owner of,” Amelia added. “He was more than willing to let us confirm their alibis with the security footage.”
“She would have gotten away with it had she not left behind a scuff mark from her broken high heel,” Sherlock noted. “The measurements matched a woman of her height and weight precisely.”
“Incredible,” the director clapped his hands together. “I knew I made the right call in contacting you.”
He thanked the group again, inviting them to luncheon once the painting was returned to the museum, which John and Amelia both accepted enthusiastically.
“Why do I have to go?” Sherlock whined on the way home.
“Because you look good in a suit,” Amelia grinned.
“Because you saved the picture and deserve a little credit,” John added with an eye roll at Amelia’s comment. “Besides, a newspaper story will add a little more validity to the blog, which will bring in more clients.”
“I agree, I do look very nice in a well-cut suit,” Sherlock mused. “I’ll go. Briefly.”
Amelia smirked at John when he realized how easily she’d convinced Sherlock.
“Can you convince him to get rid of the kidneys in the freezer?” he asked quietly.
“I heard that,” Sherlock responded without a look back.
“They are really gross Sherlock,” Amelia cringed. “They’re long past necrotic. There can’t be anything worthwhile left.”
“I didn’t realize the two of you had such pressing business in the freezer,” he scoffed. “I’ll dispose of them tonight.”
“And not in the garbage disposal,” Amelia warned. “Last time you stunk up the apartment for a month because we couldn’t get the liver fully washed out. Walk it out to a bin or give them back to Molly.”
“You’re too high maintenance.”
“And you have gross hobbies, but healthy relationships are about sacrifice,” she threw a bright smile back at him.
“Amazing,” John awed under his breath. Amelia Brenner was a Sherlock-whisperer.
The pair bickered a little about the best way to get rid of human remains, with John citing various medical codes that Sherlock constantly ignored.
“What happens if someone reports a poorly disposed femur to the Yard?” John challenged when they walked through the front door. “There’s a dignity to these things.”
“I try not to empathize with remains,” Sherlock stated.
“That’s a little sad,” came Amelia’s response. “They were people, at one point.”
“And now they’re dead.”
“But they had loved ones,” she continued, smile faltering. “People who probably mourned their passing.”
“These were unclaimed corpses, no one bothered to come to find them,” Sherlock countered, pulling off his jacket and scarf.
“That’s even sadder,” Amelia’s expression fell some more. “What if they couldn’t claim them because they couldn’t afford a funeral? Or someone’s son was missing because of drug addiction or something and they didn’t even know he was dead- but his body was too mangled to be identified and now the family will never have closure?”
The men both stopped and looked at her, standing in the doorway, close to tears.
Turning to Sherlock, John pointed toward her and frowned.
“And that’s why the kidneys do not go down the garbage disposal, have a little respect, won’t you?”
~~~
The luncheon was enjoyable, even with Sherlock’s general attitude about the whole thing.
“Diamond cufflinks,” he commented when the director handed him a small package. “Mine are held with buttons…”
“He means 'thank you',” John cut in, glaring at Sherlock when he took the package.
Amelia was busy chatting with some of the museum docents, asking about some of the artifacts the massive museum held. She clapped enthusiastically, balancing a champagne flute between her fingers when Sherlock and John posed with the painting.
“How come we haven’t started a scrapbook?” Amelia teased once the boys were free from their press obligations. “I’m betting that was a great picture.”
“The blog is a scrapbook,” John noted and Amelia nodded.
“You’re right,” she hummed, sipping her drink. “We should upload newspaper clippings. The validity of the blog and such…”
“You’re unemployed, sounds like a fun project for you,” John laughed, clapping a hand on her shoulder.
“Collecting newspaper clippings of my, er,” she paused, looking to Sherlock listening to one of the donors gush about his success. “Sherlock.”
“Boyfriend?” John tried, plucking a champagne glass off a passing waiter’s tray.
“Is he?” she asked with a cringe. “Doesn’t act like any I’ve had before.”
“Haven’t you two talked about it?” he asked.
“Not explicitly,” she mumbled, holding the glass up and finishing the rest of her drink in a swallow. “Is that an explicit conversation we should have?”
“Are you exclusive?” he rephrased.
“That…” she frowned, her brows knitting together. “I’m assuming? We both end up in a bed together at the end of the day.”
“You should probably clarify that,” John hummed, grabbing another glass of champagne for his friend. She took it gratefully, downing it in a single sip.
“It sounds so dumb when you say it out loud though,” she grumbled, bringing a hand to her cheek and making a mocking face. “Oh, Sherlock will you be my boyfriend?”
“I thought I was the one who was supposed to ask,” Sherlock commented over her shoulder.
“Why do you always do that?” Amelia set her glass aside, turning to adjust the collar on his shirt. He tried to push her hands away, but after a glare, he let her continue fussing with the unwieldy clothing.
“He’s very sneaky, Mia,” John tipped his glass in her direction.
“It is my job to be discreet,” Sherlock countered, watching Amelia’s expression until she seemed satisfied with the fold in the shirt.
“So, what do you think?” she asked.
“I think I should have worn a tie,” he touched the collar.
“I agree, but I wasn’t talking about that,” she snorted. “Are we… going steady?”
“Going… steady…?” he asked, biting back a laugh, sharing an amused smirk with John. “I didn’t realize you wanted me to ask you to the big homecoming dance.”
“Fine, if we were dating, we’re now broken up,” Amelia smacked his chest, causing him and John to erupt into a fit of giggles.
Giggles.
The two grown-ass men were snickering like a couple of children at an art exhibition for a stolen painting they found.
“Amelia,” Sherlock caught her by the arm, pulling together the most sincere expression she’d seen on the detective. “Will you… go steady with me…?”
His voice broke at the end, another round of chuckles overcoming the pair.
“Nope, you two are being mean at my cultural inconsistencies and I no longer wish to be your friend, goodbye forever,” she turned on her heel and started for the exit.
“Oh thank god,” John muttered, following hurriedly after her. “Throw a bigger scene and get us out of here.”
“Something like this?” she grabbed a random drink off a nearby table and threw it at his chest. A hand over her head, she spun around and moved swiftly to the door. “Goodbye John Watson, you’ve broken my heart for the very last time.”
“I think I’m in love,” Sherlock stared after her, absently handing his friend a fabric napkin.
“She ruined my favorite shirt!” John sputtered, dabbing at the cloth.
“-Still caused a pretty good scene,” Sherlock gestured to the perplexed looks from partygoers around them. “Time to follow through, old chum.”
~~~
“I promise, I’ll get it cleaned,” Amelia repeated for the hundredth time once they’d returned to Baker Street.
“You have absolutely no impulse control,” John grumbled, though he had long forgiven the auburn-haired florist.
“It’s a personal flaw I’ve been trying to work on,” she countered through a sigh.
“You should start with trying not to challenge people to shoot you,” Sherlock mused from the top of the stairs. “Someone is actually going to shoot you one day.”
“Or me,” John muttered, distinctly recalling the exact scene the day her uncle shot him.
“That was not my fault,” she pointed toward him. “You jumped in the way. I was fully prepared to take that bullet.”
“It was aimed at your head, you idiot,” John sighed.
“It’s not my fault neither of you has sufficiently taught me the appropriate life skills required to be your friend,” she reasoned. “You’re a soldier, and you’re… you. I’m just a nerd who is really into plants. What can I do? Throw flower petals at the bad guys?”
“You did throw a potted peony at your uncle,” John reminded her. “That did knock him out.”
“Thanks, John,” she huffed.
Sherlock listened to the conversation, dropping into his chair and considering Amelia’s words, fingers steepled in front of him.
She wasn’t wrong. Compared to him or John, she was a positive pushover. If she got into a fight, she might have an upper and because of her height, but against a skilled fighter? She stood no chance.
Not to mention her tendency to throw insults and punches first, and ask questions later, she was bound to end up in some dire situation without him or John to help her.
And after Sherlock was gone-
“-I’ve shot a gun once,” Amelia was bickering with John.
“How is that possible? You’re American,” he gaped back at her.
“We don’t fire our 44’s at breakfast time,” she blinked back at him. “Did you think we all are given an assigned firearm at birth?”
“We’re going to teach you how to fight,” Sherlock stated, cutting into the conversation. “Properly.”
“But what other excuses will I have to bring you with me to the toilet?” she asked sarcastically.
“If you two shagged, that’d be a good excuse,” John murmured, earning a punch in the arm from his female friend. He scowled at her, holding his arm. “You didn’t even do that right. Don’t tuck the thumb, you’ll break it.”
“You’re too preoccupied with our sex life,” she snapped back.
“You two need to get it out of your system,” he said, pointing between Amelia and Sherlock. “It’s messing with the energy of the flat.”
“You’re a butt,” Amelia grumbled, going in for another (proper) punch and being blocked by the now smug doctor. “You can’t do that. I’m learning.”
“Ha, ha,” John rolled his eyes, pointing to the nearby bookshelves and television. “Not near anything of value, you aren’t.”
“We should go to the recreation center,” Sherlock voiced. “Amelia, change into something more practical.”
“The one you stole a pass to?” John asked when Amelia looked down at her dress sadly.
“I barely got to wear it for an hour,” she mumbled, retreating to her room when Sherlock just stared in response. “You’re impossible. Saturdays are for rest.”
“You started it,” John smirked after her. “Do you need my help?”
“I think I’m going to need as much help as possible,” Sherlock replied after the pair heard Amelia stumble down the final steps to the basement and call up that she was fine.
~~~
tomorrow'll be leaving before nightfall my captain has now heard sirens call and as the ships sail the ocean so blue ill bathe in wildflower perfume still picks two wild flowers every morning and waits in wake of love still returning and calls for post-run every afternoon to send me wildflower perfume
Chapter 25
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starthirst · 4 years
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Crueller than jealousy
An idea struck me where because of his low self-esteem, Geralt doesn’t get jealous. He just accepts that someone has decided what’s best for them and it’s not him. It never is. Even if it hurts, he puts aside his own aching heart and leaves that person in peace. So when Jaskier decides to try and make Geralt jealous and feel like a fool for casting him aside by having revenge sex, it backfires. Geralt doesn’t even fight to keep Jaskier even though he wants to so so badly, he wants to fight for him. But Jaskier has made his choice. And it’s not him.  (It gets worse when Geralt finds out he’s not Jaskier’s only witcher, which means he doesn’t have anything the bard wants that he can’t get from anyone else). Sample:
”Oh, Geralt,” Jaskier says, equal parts cheerful and pitying as he climbs off the lord, “I simply forgot you were coming,” Jaskier feels smug, and it’s a satisfying high, all for a moment, before he sees Geralt’s face crumple in a way he’s never seen it do before.
Geralt knows what he did was completely unfair and wrong about an hour after he’s done it, when the anger has evaporated off of him enough that he comes to his senses and realises that he has just left his bard up a dangerous mountain.
He searches and searches, so desperate to find him before a monster did that he ends up searching all night, just in case Jaskier is hurt somewhere in a crevasse with his leg broken, his voice too weak from dehydration to call out for help. When he finally makes it back down to Roach, he finds she’s been fed, that the rest of Jaskier’s things that were in Roach’s saddlebags are gone, and he smells the lingering scent of Jaskier’s cologne, so he takes comfort in the fact that the bard made it down the mountain at the very least. It’s hard to stay on the path at first, when all he wants to do is search out his friend, make things good between them again. It’s especially hard when he catches himself glancing over the fire light, or when he hears the start to Toss a Coin but he gets by. Geralt reminds himself that he is a witcher. Witchers didn’t have special people to go home to and he figures out that’s what he wanted of Jaskier after too many dreams where they’re laid together, tangled up in their sheets, naked, warm and safe. No, he doesn’t deserve the chance to redeem himself in the bard’s affections, especially not after what he said on the mountain. While he was away from Geralt- their on and off adventuring together, Jaskier encountered one or two witchers and ended up charming them into bed for companionship, meaning nothing by it. After the mountain Jaskier makes a point of bedding witchers to convince himself that Geralt isn’t special and there’s plenty of witchers worthy of ballads out there, even if he hasn’t been able to write anything but maudlin love songs for the past couple of months. Jaskier ends up taking a residency at a high end tavern on behalf of the lord he’s currently bedding. The man is kind and dotes on Jaskier, giving him a nice room upstairs where he can work on his songs and poems in peace. He doesn’t even mind when Jaskier has guests over, so long as they don’t linger. One night after passionate relations, Jaskier’s eyes flutter open and his heart seizes with fear. There’s a monster standing over them, with fangs sharp and eyes wild. He wants to call for help, but the man who owns the name on the tip of his tongue left him- didn’t want him. He lays there, thinking he’s going to die but his fingertips brush against the dagger- silver, pressed into his hand by Geralt one summer’s evening years ago after he was almost carried off by a harpy, hiding under his pillow. Jaskier slashes it across the bruxa’s face. She screeches and flees out the window. The lord orders his men to find a witcher to exterminate the threat before her blood his dry on the dagger.  Geralt has been dragged from across two towns by some lord that wants him to kill a vampire. He’s finished the job and he’s been paid, so he’s about to move on when he runs into Jaskier gazing longingly at a kalimba in the marketplace. He’s so focused on trying to weave through the crowd without causing too much commotion that he doesn’t even see Jaskier, who is so distracted by his love of mastering new exotic instruments he doesn’t even notice until he turns and steps face first into Geralt. They stand in close proximity, stunned by the other’s sudden reappearance. Geralt apologises immediately, before Jaskier can get over his stupor and peel off one of his clever, biting quips. He looks so sincere and sorry Jaskier leans up and whispers in Geralt’s ear, telling him ‘You can make it up to me later,’ and invites him to his room after dinner time to talk. Geralt agrees eagerly, and Jaskier leaves the marketplace, his heartbeat all over the place replaying the ‘I’m sorry I was cruel to you. i shouldn’t’ve have spoken to you like that. I miss you, and I know what I want now,’ in his head like a melody he was trying to assign lyrics to. When he gets back to the tavern, he’s disappointed in himself for not being angrier. He had told himself plenty of times that when he encountered Geralt again he wouldn’t fall into his kind, forgiving ways. He couldn’t let Geralt get off with just a few ‘I’m sorry’s and brooding looks. He has some dignity and sense of self value. Geralt has to suffer a consequence, just a bit so he thinks twice before yelling at Jaskier again and discarding him like a used rag. Though he can’t think of what he should do, he’s too excited thinking about what Geralt meant by I know what I want now. The lord comes over to tell him the bruxa is dead and he need not fear her wrath. The lord begins feeling him up when Jaskier decides, in his pettiness, that instead of explaining he has a guest coming and taking the lord’s hand out of his pants, to let Geralt catch him like this. To prove to him that he didn’t need him, that he could easily find a comfortable place to live out his days. Maybe then Geralt would pull his act together and never treat him like mange on a dog’s arse again. Meanwhile, Geralt has been rehearsing his apology in his head for the past couple of months. The one he spewed out at the marketplace was weak, and not enough. Not enough for the man that followed him for the better part of twenty years, looking at him as though he hung the stars in the sky, the man he sorely missed, the one he injured so gravely. Destiny has given him a chance to make it good again and he’s going to grab it with both hands. He bought the instrument Jaskier was so fascinated with, which he was nervously turning around in his grasp. A present to ease the conversation, but not one large enough that Jaskier might think he’s trying to buy his forgiveness. As he ascends the stairs, he can’t help feeling lucky that Jaskier wanted anything to do with him anymore. Knowing Jaskier, it’ll be hard to earn his trust again, but he’s willing to apologise every day from now until his death if it meant Jaskier didn’t hate him.
Jaskier doesn’t answer the door when he knocks and because Geralt travelled with him for years he’s savvy to Jaskier’s inability to lock a door so he turns the handle and steps inside. Geralt’s is frozen as he helplessly takes in the sight of Jaskier on top of another man and very clearly enjoying himself. Jaskier turns his head at the intrusion and huffs, faux annoyed. ”Oh, Geralt,” Jaskier says, equal parts cheerful and pitying as he climbs off the lord, “I simply forgot you were coming,” Jaskier feels smug, and it’s a satisfying high, all for a moment, before he sees Geralt’s face crumple in a way he’s never seen it do before. He’s not angry, or disgusted. Jaskier can’t even figure what he’d call the expression before Geralt is gone from the doorway without even a ‘hmm’. He’s out of the tavern before Jaskier can get his pants on to go after him. When he goes downstairs the next morning to take care of his few affairs before he leaves town, the tavern owner hands him a package, brown paper tied together with a yellow string. He unwraps it, guilty. He already knows who it’s from. It’s the kalimba he was looking at in the marketplace, only someone has taken a knife to the wood and delicately whittled a delineation of dandelions and buttercups onto it. Geralt kicks himself as he rides Roach hard away from the town. Of course Jaskier had someone else in his bed. Of course he didn’t want a freak like Geralt, with no fortune, no lands or titles, not even a home to shelter him during the winter, and no assurance he wouldn’t die the next job, leaving him alone. Of course Jaskier would choose a lord that would keep him comfortable and sated for the rest of his days. Geralt was the fool to believe Jaskier would want him.  It’s getting colder by the day and Jaskier can’t find Geralt anywhere, let alone hear heads or tails of him. On the road encounters Lambert again, having fucked him about a year ago for a week. That night at his camp site, Jaskier has too much fortified mead and tearfully explains the whole thing. Feeling pity for the bard and mirth at the idea of how much it would bother Geralt, Lambert decides to bring Jaskier to Kaer Morhen for the winter. Geralt isn’t there when they arrive and Jaskier is worried that Geralt, presumably still brooding, won’t even come to Kaer Morhen. The other witchers, handful of them, some familiar faces from overnight encounters, try to cheer him up. He plays some song and dines with the wolves. Vesemir is wise and kindly and offers Jaskier words of encouragement and assures him Geralt won’t hold a grudge. Finally after two days, Geralt leads Roach into the stables, shaking the snow from his hair. He smiles as he greets his mentor and his old friends. He goes upstairs to his old room, the one in the north wing that nobody wanted because the broken staircase was awfully hard to climb when you were drunk. Gods, Geralt couldn’t wait to get drunk and forget his problems just for one night. He comes down stairs and he thinks he’s dreaming when he sees Jaskier in a over jacket, pouring the surrounding witchers some mead. But he’s as real as the wind howling outside and Geralt hears his heart begin to race when their eyes meet.   ”Thought you’d be tucked away in one of your lord’s winter manors,” Jaskier mistakes the jab for banter and tries to follow it up, tries to pretend it’s the same as it used to be. ”No song there,” he says casually, “A winter in a Witcher’s keep sounds so much more interesting. Interesting bunch, you lot,” ”Why are you really here?” That’s his opportunity to ask to talk in private, to explain everything, to make things right but Lambert speaks first. ”The bard is our guest. He already familiar with Eskel, Aubry, and Nasir.” Lambert says and there’s a undertone that’s mean and snide, Jaskier doesn’t appreciate the way he says familiar. “Hell, I brought him here. Thought he could entertain us for the winter.” ”Familiar?” Geralt repeats, looking at the mentioned names. Then a look of understand blossoms over his face and his entire being turns sour. Geralt’s jaw clenches. He takes his plate and sits all the way down the table away from Jaskier and Lambert. Geralt says nothing else, through his aura is menacing, finishes his meal in dead silence, all the while feeling humiliated he stupidly let himself believe he was anything remarkable, unique, to Jaskier. When Lambert opens his mouth to try and incite some kind of response from the white wolf, Vesemir fixes him with a stern, dark look and his mouth clamps shut. They finish eating and clean up in the tense atmosphere. Some wolves stay downstairs to drink, and the younger ones are already howling as Jaskier goes up to Geralt door. Geralt refuses to open his door and it not until Jaskier finally manages to corner him in a broken stairwell in the dead of night, where there’s no room to dodge by him, does he get an opportunity to speak to him. ”Geralt, Geralt, wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-” he tries, but Geralt won’t listen. He lifts Jaskier up by the waist and switches their positions. His hands around his waist makes Jaskier warm from the inside out. He tries to storm off but Jaskier clings to him desperately. Geralt brushes him off and continues down the hall. ”Please Geralt, please talk to me. I’m sorry I offended you during our last meeting, please can’t we talk?” ”Well done.” Geralt says, not turning around to face Jaskier. “You’ve hurt me in a measure proportionate to how I hurt you. Call it even and leave me be. Castle is plenty big enough that you and I won’t have to see each other over the winter.” ”Please Geralt, I know what I did was mean, but I love you.” Jaskier says, tears in his eyes, “I do, Geralt, I really do. I want to talk to you again. I miss you.” The rest of Geralt’s heart goes black and shrinks down to the size of a crab apple. The time where hearing that would’ve changed his life is long past, now it tastes bitter in his mouth. Geralt laughs in his face. They’re all same, his mother, Yennefer, Jaskier, they said loved him before they hurt him, like applying ice to the skin before a hot poker. And he was the heartless one when he pushed them away before they could hurt him.  ”I’m to believe there was something between us when at any opportunity you found another witcher to bed, some of them my brothers, to wring tales from so you could twist them into ballads? I don’t care that you did, we owe each other nothing. But you cannot honestly say what we had was special. I was never special to you.” ”You are,” Jaskier’s voice is croaky, his heart in his feet. How’d this all go wrong so quickly? ”I came to Kaer Morhen to find you,” Geralt sneers, ”Oh, pardon me, I thought you were here as Lambert’s guest.” ”Geralt, that’s not fair!” Jaskier cries out, “I didn’t know who he was when we slept together. And we were just friends,”  He’d take ‘just friends’ over this contempt, this terrible disdain. Then Geralt says something to him that hurts worst than what he said on the mountain. ”I mightn’t have been your only witcher, but you were my only bard.” And he goes to his room and closes the door firmly on Jaskier. Geralt leaves Kaer Morhen in the morning, the snow ankle deep and the frost setting in. Vesemir is worried that Geralt will have a hard time getting down the valley in the cold. Jaskier just feels like he lost a game without knowing the stakes.
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sweetteaanddragons · 5 years
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You said that you went heavier on the hurt than the comfort in that fic. I know it was supposed to be an AU, but would you consider writing a second half where Elrond is exchanged for Gil-Galad? The shock on the faces of the other elves when they realize that Gil-Galad wasn't killed and that Maglor really does love the twins would be beautiful. Also, poor Elros needs his brother back. The reunion of the twins and Maglor could be the comfort. (I'm not crying over this. Ok, maybe a little.) (2/2)
Thank you for your lovely comments in your earlier ask! Here, as requested, is the second half of the AU that I originally wrote for @swirls-of-randomness in which Elrond becomes king and Gil-Galad gets kidnapped by Feanorians.
Quick note: Elros and Gil-Galad have a discussion about the situation; not all views presented therein accurately represent my own.
. . . .
Gil-Galad is not at all sure why he’s not dead yet.
It’s not a new thought. It’s one that’s been plaguing him since they handed him a crown and told him he was king. 
The other kings in exile had all died - Fingon, who had looked so impossibly strong when Gil-Galad was small, Fingolfin, who had been able to challenge Morgoth himself, even Feanor, who, whatever else everyone said about him, had at least not lacked for might.
The other kings too: Finrod, whose death he had imagined in a thousand nightmares, Turgon, whose daughter really should have been the one to take the crown, Thingol, who had attracted Melian herself . . .
He knows all their deeds, all their power, all their strength.
And he knows how they all died.
Gil-Galad has never once seen the light of the Trees. He does not have any legendary deeds to his name. He does not feel strong.
He doesn’t know why he’s not dead yet.
He can’t ask anyone that, though, of course, because even he knows that’s not the kind of thing kings say.
He asked Círdan once anyway because he can ask Círdan anything, and he still remembers the terrible grief that had swept over Círdan’s face before the older elf had pulled him close and said, “Because I am not dead yet, and they will never reach you so long as I can yet stand in their way.”
He had known intellectually, even then, that no one could make that promise. Not really.
He knows it in his heart now, because he is tied to a post in a Feanorian tent, the blood of his kin still drying on his rope-burned hands, and Círdan isn’t here.
The Feanorian lord had been badly injured, he’d seen, before he was hauled away. If he dies -
Gil-Galad is going to die. He forces himself to take away that comforting if and confront himself with it. He is going to die, and he might as well get used to it.
The tent flap opens, and he braces himself for fury, for swords, for anything. 
He does not brace himself for a boy just entering adolescence that is carrying food.
The boy looks weary past bearing, but he does his best to smile anyway. “Hello,” he says. “I’m Elros. Did you know your men stole my brother?”
. . . 
Gil-Galad learns three things in the many visits that follow:
First, that Prince Maglor is apparently recovering and expected to live after all.
(“He has to live,” Elros says the first time, fiercely. “He has to,” and Gil-Galad is not at all convinced, but with each subsequent visit Elros gets a bit lighter, and Gil-Galad slowly comes to believe with considerable relief of his own.)
Second, that there is considerable debate in the camp what to do about their new prisoner.
(“No one really wanted you,” Elros explains before smacking his forehead and saying with surprising intensity, “Of course someone wants you, that’s not what I meant at all,” and he waits before Gil-Galad nods a bemused acceptance of this before continuing on. “It’s just the people that want you are all over in your camp, and we didn’t mean to take you from them, it just sort of happened, and now we can’t decide how to get you back without getting shot at and whether or not we should ask for something when we do.”)
That we is the third thing he learns: that Elros has some very odd and somewhat concerning ideas about who constitutes that we and exactly who was stolen from whom.
(“Of course we were stolen,” Elros says, frowning, “but that doesn’t mean it was alright for you to try to steal us, anymore than it was alright for them to try to steal those stupid gems from Sirion just because the gems were stolen from them first. Stealing is stealing.”
“That’s not how the law works,” Gil-Galad tells him. “And my men weren’t trying to steal your brother from you, they were trying to save him.”
“Stealing is stealing,” Elros says stubbornly, and he sits there and glares until Gil-Galad allows the subject to drop.)
. . .
He doesn’t try to convince Elros to let him go so that they can run away together because a) he’s almost entirely certain they’d be caught before they left camp, b) it would take a miracle for the two of them to survive the trip to the Isle of Balar alone, and c) he’s nearly positive Elros would refuse point blank.
That does not quite stop him from wishing he’d tried it when a man with faint scars still covering his face and missing one hand entirely enters the tent.
“Prince Maedhros,” he says, and he’s proud that his voice does not shake and that he sounds like the king he spends most of his time thinking he is only pretending to be.
“Cousin,” the prince returns, irony not quite covering the pain and bone deep exhaustion all too evident in his voice. “You’ll be pleased to know that Maglor is well on his way to a full recovery.”
Gil-Galad is pleased, both for the obvious reason and for Elros’s sake, so he’s able to say so quite sincerely.
Maedhros looks at him, a little surprised, and in the silence that follows, Gil-Galad can’t quite refrain from blurting out, “So now what?”
Maedhros looks at him for a long moment and says, in a voice now entirely void of all emotion, “So now we can spare the men to escort you and Elros back to your home.”
Gil-Galad’s second thought, after disbelieving relief, is, “Have you told Elros that yet?”
Maedhros leaves without answering, but that doesn’t matter.
Gil-Galad already knows that the answer is no.
. . .
It was a good plan, Gil-Galad thinks in all fairness. A generous plan, even, since the Feanorians weren’t supposed to get anything out of it. It was just a slow progression of the hostages - Gil-Galad, who still can’t quite believe this is happening, and Elros, who is refusing to speak to either Gil-Galad or Maedhros - between the two sides.
Except halfway across the field, someone suddenly breaks off from Gil-Galad’s side and takes off running towards them. Gil-Galad looks sharply to the archers, fearful that hostilities may be about to break out, but it is just one small form that he abruptly realizes must be Elrond.
Elrond, who grabs his brother’s hand and takes off running with him, the movement so smooth that it’s like the two of them have been planning this.
They are running towards the Feanorian side.
He should stop them, he thinks, but he can’t, not without shattering the fragile balance already teetering on the edge of violence.
Instead, he walks forward.
Círdan is there the moment he’s in range, and though they’re both careful to preserve the dignity necessary for such a public moment, surely there can be no harm in an embrace.
Círdan holds on just a little too tightly, and Gil-Galad presses that memory into his mind, to keep and hold onto when he inevitably lets go.
“I thought we’d lost you,” Círdan says hoarsely as he steps back.
“So had I,” he admits, finally daring to look back across the field. “We did lose them,” he says, and his heart aches for the little boys who refuse to be stolen twice.
But Círdan has an odd look on his face. “Maybe,” is all he says, and he keeps a hand on Gil-Galad’s back as they turn to walk away.
. . .
(Maglor weeps when he sees them, and Elrond isn’t sure if they’re sad or happy tears.
“I’m sorry,” he says helplessly, feeling his own tears well up at last.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Maglor says fiercely. “Not to me. Not ever,” and he opens his arms a little: always an offer, never a demand.
Elrond burrows into them immediately, gently as he can after he feels Maglor’s silent flinch. Elros is right there next to him in the embrace, and for the first time in weeks, Elrond doesn’t feel that horrible blankness hovering anywhere near him at all.)
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atiyafx · 5 years
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Islam: Light To The World
We as Muslims as well as believers are fortunate to be giving the greatest gift of Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) ( AL - ISLAM). Yet many brothers and sisters are ashamed to follow such beautiful religion. Islam governs a Muslim's life in all its aspects. This is the reason why it is not only a religion but also a way of life. Let me break it down ( In Sh Allah)..The word "Islam" is an Arabic word which means "submission to the will of God". This word comes from the same root as the Arabic word "salam", which means "peace". One of the things I love about ISLAM is that fact that ISLAM gives mankind the solution to every problem that human beings encounter daily. Yet there are so many uneducated people in the West who don’t seem to understand the beauty and wonders of this extraordinary religion. Did you know that whomever looks at the history of Islam with an unbiased eye, since very early times, and looks  at the position of Christians and Jews under Islamic administration, will encounter one very obvious fact; The People of the Book have always lived in peace and security under Islamic rule. Indeed, Christians and Jews who were persecuted under the rule of different faiths and sects from time to time sought refuge in Islamic lands and found the security they sought in Muslim countries. The main reason why the People of the Book (Ahl al Kitab) were able to live in such peace and comfort is that Muslims form their attitudes and behavior toward the People of the Book (Ahl al Kitab)  according to the moral values of the Qur’an:
► A believer's entire life is directed towards being able to please Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala). This is the core of religion. It is revealed in the Qur'an that the characteristic of this true religion that has come down to the present day from the Prophet Abraham (Alayhi salaam), is the dedication of all one's life to his CREATOR:
THERE SOME PEOPLE WHO LOVE TO MOCK ISLAM AND ITS BELIEVERS: THEY SAY SO MANY THINGS OUT OF HATRED:
For example, Some might say such foolish things....
1) Which Muslim's are more retarded... The converts or the one's that were born into it? I personally think you'd have to be quite uneducated to convert to Islam.
2) ISLAM IS THE CANCER OF HUMANITY AND IT NEEDS TO BE DESTROYED!!
3) The quran qualifies as hate speech on all counts!! The "holiest" book of Islam (61% of which is about non-Muslims)
4) If you want to have sex with 9 year old girls, then Islam is perfect..
5) Islam is the Road to Hell
This is what many non-Muslims think of Islam and its sad how someone can just use words like this without ever studying what Islam is really about. Knowledge is the key to success. Without knowledge, we could not accomplish much in life. The more knowledgeable you are in a particular field, the more you will understand. One of the major problems of the present world is that Non- Muslims are striving to make their life easier on the cost of making it difficult for the believers. This approach is wrong and Islam gives the principle of making the life of others easy to achieve success.
Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) says,
◕Surah Al-Qasas , 28 Verse No 77◕ ●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬● “Seek the life to come by means of what Allah has granted you, but do not neglect your rightful share in this world. Do good to others as Allah has done good to you.” ●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬●
◕ TO THE NONE MUSLIM BROTHERS AND SISTERS: READ CAREFULLY BECAUSE I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW THE BEAUTY OF ISLAM.... DID YOU KNOW THAT ISLAM commands all kinds of good and forbids all kinds of evil. It encourages good manners and proper treatment of others. It enjoins good characteristics such as truthfulness, patience, deliberation, kindness, humility, modesty, keeping promises, dignity, mercy, justice, courage, patience, friendliness, contentment, chastity, good treatment, tolerance, trustworthiness, gratitude for favours, and self-control in times of anger. Islam commands the Muslim to fulfil his duty towards his parents and to uphold family ties, to help the needy, to treat neighbors well, to protect and safeguard the wealth of the orphan, to be gentle with the young and show respect to the old, to be kind to servants and animals, to remove harmful things from the road, to speak kind words, to forgive at the time when one has the opportunity to take revenge, to be sincere towards one’s fellow-Muslims, to meet the needs of the Muslims, to give the debtor time to repay his debt, to prefer others over oneself, to console others, to greet people with a smiling face, to visit the sick, to support the one who is oppressed, to give gifts to friends, to honour his guest, to treat his wife kindly and spend on her and her children, to spread the greeting of peace (salaam) and to seek permission before entering another person’s house, lest one see something private that the other person does not want one to see.
► Islam is the religion of mercy and kindness, the religion of tolerance and ease. Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) has not burdened this ummah with more than it can bear. Whatever good it does, it will be rewarded for it, and whatever evil it does, it will have to bear the burden of that sin, as
Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) says,
◕Surat Al-Baqarah Ch2: Ayah 286◕ ●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬● Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] ................ what [evil] it has earned. ●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬●
Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) has spared the Muslims any difficulty or hardship in all that He has enjoined upon them. As clearly stated
◕Surat Al-Hajj Ch22: Ayah 78 ◕ ●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬● “He has chosen you (to convey His Message of Islamic Monotheism to mankind by inviting them to His religion of Islam), and has not laid upon you in religion any hardship” ●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬●
Every sin that a Muslim commits because he makes a mistake, or forgets, or is forced to do it, is forgiven by Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) = (Ms Sh Allah)
As Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) says ,
◕Al-Baqarah Ch2: Ayah 286 ◕ ●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬● “Our Lord! Punish us not if we forget or fall into error” ●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬●
And Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) says: your prayer is granted. The Muslim will be brought to account for what he does deliberately, not for what he does by mistake, as Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) says , ◕Surat Al-AhzaabCh33: Ayah 5◕ ●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬● And there is no blame upon you for that in which you have erred but [only for] what your hearts intended. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful. ●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬●
Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) is Kind and Merciful. He sent The Rasulullah (Sallahu Alayhi Wa Salam) with ease and the tolerant monotheism: One of the most important characteristics, frequently mentioned with regards to The Rasulullah (Sallahu Alayhi Wa Salam) in the Qur'an, is that he only practiced what Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) revealed and asked of him, with no concern about what others might think. Important figures and members of other religions at the time wanted him to impose rules that would benefit them. Although these people were more numerous and powerful, The Rasulullah (Sallahu Alayhi Wa Salam) was punctilious about abiding by Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala)'s commandments and the Qur'an. In the Qur'an Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) has revealed that The Rasulullah (Sallahu Alayhi Wa Salam) possessed the finest morality, and says:
◕Surat Al-Qalam Ch68: Ayah 1-7 ◕ ●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬● Nun. By the pen and what they inscribe, You are not, [O Muhammad], by the favor of your Lord, a madman. And indeed, for you is a reward uninterrupted. And indeed, you are of a great moral character. So you will see and they will see Which of you is the afflicted [by a devil]. Indeed, your Lord is most knowing of who has gone astray from His way, and He is most knowing of the [rightly] guided. ●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬●
The Rasulullah (Sallahu Alayhi Wa Salam) said:
═══════════ ► “Religion is very easy and whoever overburdens himself in his religion will not be able to continue in that way. So you should not be extremists, but try to be near to perfection and receive the good tidings that you will be rewarded.” (narrated by al-Bukhaari, 39). ═══════════
The Shaytaan is man's greatest enemy. He makes him forget the remembrance of his Lord and makes his sin attractive to him, as
Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) says ,
◕Surat Al-Mujadila Ch58: Ayah 19◕ ●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬● “Shaytaan has overpowered them. So he has made them forget the remembrance of Allaah. They are the party of Shaytaan. Verily, it is the party of Shaytaan that will be the losers ●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬●
Whoever commits a sin then Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) conceals it, it is not permissible for him to speak of it, because our Dear Beloved Rasulullah (Sallahu Alayhi Wa Salam) said: ═══════════ ► “All of my ummah will be fine except those who commit sin openly.” == > (Narrated by Muslim, 2990). ═══════════
If a person commits a sin then repents, Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) will accept his repentance:
► [al-An’aam 6:54) “Your Lord has written (prescribed) Mercy for Himself, so that if any of you does evil in ignorance, and thereafter repents and does righteous good deeds (by obeying Allaah), then surely, He is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”
Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) is Generous and Kind, He multiplies the reward for good deeds and forgives bad deeds, as the Rasulullah (Sallahu Alayhi Wa Salam) said: narrating the words of his Lord:
══════════ ► “Allah has decreed hasanaat (good deeds) and sayi’aat (bad deeds), then He explained that. Whoever intends to do a good deed then does not do it, Allaah will write it down as one complete hasanah; if he intends to do it then he does it, then Allaah will write it down as between ten and seven hundred hasanaat, or more. Whoever intends to do a bad deed, then he does not do it, Allaah will write it down as one complete hasanah; if he intends to do it then he does it, Allaah will write it down as one sayi’ah.”
►► (Agreed upon; narrated by al-Bukhaari, Kitaab al-Raqaa’iq, 81)
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thebrierpatch · 6 years
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Beyond the end of the tunnel Loureiro, the shoemaker who loved books and wines, and I were looking for a restaurant that sill served lunch late in the afternoon. It had poured during the day. Since it had just stopped raining, off we went, sailing the narrow and winding streets of the small and charming village at the foot of the mountain that houses the monastery. Heavy clouds left the sky dark, so lamps were lit earlier than usual. We were talking cheerfully and idly, as two friends who are happy just to be together, while we diverted from the puddles formed between century-old cobblestones. When we arrived at the restaurant, we found Carlo, a friend of ours, there. We were baffled. Not by a long shot was he that self-reliant, well-kept, handsome man we knew. We had met him less than a month ago, and he had seemed to be fine. On that day, he was just the opposite of the man we knew. He was downcast, hunched over, sullen; he seemed a specter of himself. He greeted us as joyfully as his heart was capable of at that time. Invited us to sit at his table and have a glass of wine with him. I asked if he would have lunch with us, but he said no. He had no appetite, and that had been going on for days, now. He added that his life had been turned upside down at a moment’s notice. Carlo had a good job; he worked for a multinational company, at its headquarters, located in a big city not too far, only about a 1-hour train ride. A week ago, when he arrived at work, he was told by a director that the company was redefining the job structure. Some positions had been eliminated, amongst which, his. He couldn’t even return to his office; his personal belongings had already been put in a box, which was given to him at that moment. His severance pay would be deposited into his bank account the following day. After a few days, his wife of 10 years told him the marriage was over. She had fallen in love with someone else, packed her belongings and left. He said he had reached rock bottom. Life was dark and, worse, there was no indication of any light that would be lit. I immediately tried to cheer him with a well-known speech for overcoming hardships, “it’s time to bounce back to surface”. He said he did not have the strength to overcome the problems he had and rebuild his life. This is when Loureiro surprised us by saying: “For now, it is best for you to remain at rock bottom. It is not time to bounce back.” I looked at the shoemaker with censoring eyes, as if asking for mercy for my friend. Carlo was surprised, and he even thought that it was a joke, clearly untimely. Loureiro started to develop his reasoning: “The world only falls apart when the soul is unbalanced.” “If he reached the bottom and bounces back now, he will return to the same stage he was at, or worse, nourished by sorrows and desire for revenge to transfer to others the reason of his fall.” I interrupted the cobbler to argue that not doing anything at this moment could encourage the same gloomy feelings or trigger a process of sadness and depression. The shoemaker shook his head and explained: “Rock bottom can be seen as sordid by many people; however, if you take time to pay careful attention, you will see it can be embraced as a place of silence and quietness, suitable for reflection and meditation. The perfect chance for one to understand the wrong choices that took him there.” I interrupted him once again to say it was ludicrous to believe one would reach rock bottom willingly. Carlo looked at the as if I had spoken for him. The shoemaker did not lose composure and was educational: “This is why it is dangerous for Carlo to return to the surface now. He would like to return like he was before, with the misperception that others had pushed him into the pit he is in. The storms exist to correct the course of sailors who do not know how to navigate.” “Before the tempest, the sea becomes rough, the wind foretells a change in the weather and the sky, from afar, signals with heavy clouds. It is up to each one, captain of their own ship, to keep the course or change it. Wrecks happen to those who do not know how to read the signs. However, experiences with wrecks shape the best sailors; life is a school that shapes great masters.” He made a pause and added: “As long as one is willing to learn from it.” “To go rock bottom is always a choice of those who fell”. “To accept this reality is the first step to remove resentments and the feeling of victimization, both of which delay evolution. While the person believes that the person responsible for their suffering is somebody else, they will not start the process of transformation, healing and freedom from the jail they had placed themselves in.” “Everyone has the same conditions of reaching plenitude, which is translated by achieving happiness, peace, freedom, dignity. Understanding the fall is learning what movements were wrong, and, from then on, to do differently and better. It is allowing the flourishing of virtues that are still seedlike in the core of the self.” He looked at Carlo with sincere compassion and said: “You can interpret rock bottom as evil from others, or an infamous conspiracy of the universe and yearn to bounce back with the aura of a super-hero. In fact, this is the most common and childish wish, moved by pride and vanity, and dreams of vile revenge and transient, inconsistent power.” He waited for the server to open the bottle and fill the cups. Sipped a little wine and continued: “However, at rock bottom, one can start building a tunnel. Not to escape reality, but in search of new, previously unimaginable possibilities. To come back to the surface at the same spot, to rebuild life on the same pillars, with the same old pattern of being and living, is to perpetuate stagnation through a different outfit. One must know the possibilities that lie beyond the end of the tunnel for an effective, true transformation. Otherwise, we will live the curse of Sisyphus, from Greek mythology. His curse was having to roll a huge stone up a hill only to have it roll down again as soon as he had brought it to the summit. An action constantly repeated and doomed to failure. Rock bottom must be the beginning of the tunnel that will lead to an unknown light, in a way different from before, with true inner evolvement.” “It is time for humility and determination, two valuable virtues. Rock bottom, because of its silence and quietness, is the ideal place for one to face oneself in a perfect mirror, without the distortion caused by the masks we create for social acceptance, far from the characters we have invented to support the shadows of pride and vanity, without escaping the responsibility for their own happiness, without the shallow distractions whose only purpose is to postpone the important task of knowing who we really are and triggering major transformations.” “The person who knows who they really are brings to themselves the power of life, are capable of overcoming the harshest difficulties. On the other hand, a person who does not know themselves will always be frail, vulnerable to the smallest disappointments, and will require the gimmicks of illusion. Self-knowledge allows them to understand their abilities and the virtues they already possess and make good use of them. They also acknowledge the imperfections that still exist and the virtues that are yet to blossom, instruments essential to evolution. Humility and determination are the winds that propel the crossing in search of the hidden treasure, waiting to be revealed, for the sake of the person and the world. If we know how to read properly the map of life, we will realize that rock bottom is the loving permission for one to start a journey to a wonderful and unknown world, so far and yet so close, the heart itself, the essence of self and the sacred seed of the universe.” I complained, annoyed and unbelieving, with Loureiro for being harsh with our friend. Carlo agreed with me, said he did not deserve to be treated like that, stood up and left. The cobbler kept his countenance serene and, in face of my inquisitive gaze, shrugged his shoulders and said: “I know I was harsh with him, but I did what I thought was best. Without transformation there is no evolvement. Truth can be a whip that causes wounds and hurts or a balm that heals and liberates. It all depends of the feeling of he who says it. I did it out of love.” Months passed by with no news of Carlo. One day, we were having lunch in that same restaurant when we were surprised by his arrival. He was very different than in the two prior moments of his life. He was not the well-groomed corporate executive or the stooped man who had reached rock bottom. He had an informal elegance and was more handsome than ever. He was wearing a well-trimmed beard, jeans and a nice shirt, tennis shoes and, most importantly, an indescribable smile on his face. He opened his arms when he saw us and asked to sit at our table. I mentioned the fortunate coincidence of us meeting at the same restaurant. He said it was no coincidence. The owner was an old friend of his who, upon his request, told him we were there. It was important for him that we meet at the same place, because the previous meeting had been a cornerstone in his life. He had to thank the shoemaker for his firm words. With teary eyes, he said that at that same time other people also spoke to him, all of them with good intentions, but their words were too sugar-coated, but barren. He acknowledged that the discourse he had of being a victim made him frail, sad, and led to stagnation. The firm rhetoric of the cobbler had awakened him from the slumber of apathy and lack of responsibility. If that was his life, it was up to him to write his own story, according to the possibilities of overcoming hardships with his own efforts. With no guilt, because he acted according to the level of awareness he had at the time, but with the commitment to do differently and better from then on. Only by doing so could he take the lead of his life. To become an adult is not only to get a job and get married but to reach maturity. He said that at first it was very difficult, but later he realized that the abandonment he felt was, in fact, the fantastic chance he had to take control of his own life, which was always delayed because he blamed others for his failures and disappointments. He accepted it was time to be sincere with himself or he would not leave the childhood of existence. He added that it may be comforting to feel victimized, but that makes the person a coward and prevents their growth. Maturity is accepting responsibilities for the choices one makes, learning from them and moving on, day-by-day, with a different, better way of being. Next, he said that because he had been working at that corporation for many years, he had set mechanisms through which much of what he had to do was distributed to other people, and therefore he was made redundant. In fact, subconsciously, he was responsible for his being fired by showing that the position he had was not necessary. The opposite would likely happen if he had gone further and made himself essential. He also said he had become too laid back about his marriage. At some point he gave up the effort of keeping alive the flame of affection that had bound him to his wife; therefore, it was natural that she became uninterested in maintaining their relationship and a gap was created that had to be filled. Truth be told, both cases were cycles he should have ended in a more honest way whether to himself or to others. Deep inside, the pain he felt was because of the wound to his pride, for being rejected by his wife and fired by his company. Once he became willing to work that in himself, he understood that what he felt was rock bottom was, in fact, the beginning of the tunnel that had led him to a search he had never thought of before. Instead of bouncing back, as he originally had thought, he found a new place where there was much more light. He said that in this process, the more he came to know himself the more he, and everything around him, would transform. Interests, wishes, choices became different. What was previously essential did not make sense anymore. He said that he had always been into motorcycles, so he decided to open a small shop in the garage of his home. There, he met a young woman who also loved bikes, and they started dating. The relationship and the business were still crawling, money was still short and limited, but the bike rides they took on weekends were long and pleasant. He said he had never felt so free and light. He lived more and more according to his essence, and that made him happy. Differently from before, every day now he woke up excited with life. Even if all went wrong, he had learned the unlimited possibilities of survival, he has understood the immeasurable power he had within, and now he knew that he could start over as many times as necessary. Reaching rock bottom had, in fact, been a blessing. Carlo called the waiter and asked for the menu, he would have lunch with us. He was hungry. Hungry for life, he added. We laughed. He took the opportunity to thank the cobbler for the previous conversation. He said he felt the arguments the shoemaker used were somehow surrounding him. He only had to open the curtains to see them more clearly and let them in. Loureiro agreed: “Yes, it is like they were dormant within you, and our talk woke them up. Otherwise, it would still take time for them to mature in the subconscious mind and only then would you become aware of them. This is how we expand our level of perception and change our life.”. Carlo said that all that seemed a sorry ending has revealed to be the beginning of a beautiful journey. Loureiro smiled and concluded: “Even though it is not a rule, at times, depending on the behavior of he who hit rock bottom, a tunnel is open that allows one to go beyond. Beyond oneself. This is when the first portal of the Path opens. The indigent turns into a walker. Everything changes. For good.” Kindly translated by Carlos André Oighenstein Other texts by the author at www.yoskhaz.com/en
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dipulb3 · 3 years
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'This horror has to stop.' Spiritual advisers to death row inmates decry recent wave of federal executions
New Post has been published on https://appradab.com/this-horror-has-to-stop-spiritual-advisers-to-death-row-inmates-decry-recent-wave-of-federal-executions/
'This horror has to stop.' Spiritual advisers to death row inmates decry recent wave of federal executions
The inmate, Orlando Hall, had asked Nur to be his Muslim spiritual adviser in the weeks leading up to his execution by the United States government and to serve as the minister of record when he was put to death on Thursday, November 19, 2020.
“At the beginning, it was not clear to me that being a spiritual counselor would entail being there in the death chamber,” Nur told Appradab, “and be there only a few feet from the gurney where they execute the person.”
“But the day of the execution, standing there right beside his gurney where he’s lying, in that death chamber, that’s when I realized why he needed me there,” Nur said. Even with the inmate’s family in an adjoining witness room, “I was the only person he knew there.”
It was a historic series of executions. Prior to the hiatus, only three federal inmates had been executed since 1988, making this schedule of executions the most prolific in decades. The 10 executions that took place in 2020 alone were the most federal civilian executions in a calendar year since the 1800s, according to the Death Penalty Information Center.
Many of the inmates had spiritual advisers like Nur, who ministered to them in the weeks before they were executed and stood next to them inside the execution chamber at the Federal Correctional Complex in Terre Haute, Indiana.
Four advisers who served as ministers of record for six of the 13 inmates recently spoke to Appradab. They described their relationship with the inmates, however brief, and what it was like to watch them be put to death. Despite coming from different faiths and walks of life, they described similar experiences and a confluence of emotions — both a sense of duty to be there for the inmates and an undercurrent of anger or sadness at what they witnessed.
And while they were clear they did not condone the violent crimes of which the inmates were convicted, each of the spiritual advisers who spoke to Appradab believe the death penalty is wrong.
For Father Mark O’Keefe, a Catholic priest and a professor of moral theology, being the minister of record for Dustin Honken’s execution only affirmed that belief.
“I witnessed them killing someone, and I knew him, and I had a connection with him,” O’Keefe said. “It made the death penalty very, very real to me, and the moral wrong of it clear to me at a deeply personal level.”
13 executions
In July 2019, then-Attorney General William Barr directed the Bureau of Prisons to schedule the executions of five federal death row inmates, reinstating the federal death penalty after a nearly two-decade hiatus.
“The Justice Department upholds the rule of law — and we owe it to the victims and their families to carry forward the sentence imposed by our justice system,” Barr said in a statement at the time.
The death penalty remains legal in 28 states, though governors in California, Oregon and Pennsylvania have imposed moratoriums on executions in their states. But the federal government has the authority to pursue capital punishment in all 50.
A series of legal challenges pushed the first executions back until last July, when Daniel Lewis Lee, who’d been convicted of three murders, was put to death. A dozen executions followed over the next six months, culminating with the execution of Dustin Higgs on January 16, just days before Donald Trump left office.
“I wasn’t surprised at all that Trump did it,” said Rev. Bill Breeden, a retired Unitarian Universalist minister who’s been the spiritual adviser to death row inmate Chadrick Fulks for more than a decade. “I was surprised at the number of the ones he did and the persistence of it.”
Breeden has been working with prisoners since the 1990s. That work, he said, eventually led to a relationship with Fulks, who Breeden said was “like a son” to him. When the death penalty was set to resume, he feared Fulks would be executed.
Fulks was spared, but Breeden, a vocal opponent of the death penalty, knew he’d be at the prison gates, protesting as many executions as he could. And that was before he became the minister of record to Corey Johnson, who was executed in January for murdering seven people during a 1992 killing spree.
Sister Barbara Battista of the Sisters of Providence, a congregation in nearby Saint Mary-of-the-Woods, Indiana, felt similarly. As her congregation’s justice promoter, capital punishment became a focus of her work soon after the executions were announced.
She and others formed the Terre Haute Death Penalty Resistance and committed themselves to “making as much noise as we possibly could,” she said. As each execution was carried out, the group stood near the prison, carrying signs and protesting.
“There was a sadness in me, and an anger, too,” said Battista. “It was like, we have to make sure people know this is happening.”
Battista said protesters had tried to honor pain on all sides of the executions, including the families of the inmates’ victims. While they stood vigil outside the prison, they tried to recite the victims’ names to acknowledge their families’ suffering. Another group, she said, had signs printed that included the victims’ names.
‘I can’t pass this cup’
When Keith Nelson first asked Battista to be the minister of record at his execution, she prayed about it, she told Appradab.
That afternoon, she’d learned her oldest brother was killed in a car accident, she said. Despite her grief, she wanted to say yes. Still, as a physician’s assistant, she wondered if standing by as someone was killed would be “unnatural.”
“Could I stand there,” she wondered, “and watch somebody being killed and not want to stop it?”
Nelson was sentenced to death for the kidnapping, rape and murder of 10-year-old Pamela Butler in 1999. Nelson abducted her while she was rollerblading in front of her Kansas home, according to the Justice Department, and Nelson confessed to strangling her with a wire.
Battista did not condone the inmate’s actions, she said. But she ultimately accepted Nelson’s request, because, she said, “As a Catholic Christian, I firmly believe that all persons deserve my compassion, deserve to be treated with dignity, no matter what.”
Nur, a business management professor, first received the request to be Orlando Hall’s spiritual adviser through Breeden, who’d reached out to Nur’s Bloomington mosque searching for one on Hall’s behalf.
The two met at Breeden’s home, in a stretch of forest in southern Indiana, and discussed what the role would involve.
“I said, as you take this on, he’s very likely going to ask you to be in the death chamber with him,” Breeden recalled. “And I said if you don’t feel like you can do that, I won’t respect you any less.”
Nur couldn’t understand. “I kept thinking, what will he get of me being there? In the back of my mind, I was hoping that he would not ask me to be there.”
Hall was sentenced to death for the 1994 kidnapping, rape and murder of 16-year-old Lisa Rene. Hall, along with several accomplices in a marijuana trafficking operation, kidnapped her from her Arlington, Texas, home while searching for her brother. After repeatedly raping her, they dug a grave in an Arkansas park, beat her with a shovel and buried her alive, according to the Justice Department.
Hall embraced Islam after his conviction, Nur said, and they spent a lot of time discussing the Quran. But it was “surreal” and “awkward,” Nur said, to talk to Hall about dying. At 49, he was in good shape and looked much younger, Nur said, and it was strange to discuss his impending death.
Just as Breeden predicted, Hall asked Nur to be with him during the execution. Nur still didn’t understand why, but he said yes.
The execution chamber
Father O’Keefe, the Catholic priest, regularly offered mass at the Terre Haute prison, but he generally did not do so on death row. It wasn’t until he filled in for another priest that he first met Dustin Honken.
Honken was sentenced to death for killing five people in 1993 — including Lori Duncan, a single mother, and her daughters, Kandi and Amber, ages 10 and 6 — in an effort to hide his multistate methamphetamine drug operation.
The two only met about four times, O’Keefe said, but he was struck by Honken’s “sincere faith,” and he thought Honken “wanted a deeper relationship with God.” But their own relationship was short lived, and when they said goodbye for what O’Keefe believed would be the last time, Honken had been scheduled to be executed.
About two weeks before Honken’s execution, Father O’Keefe received a request from the inmate through his lawyers that he be the minister of record at his execution. O’Keefe didn’t hesitate to say yes.
“It’s the ministry of priests to accompany the dying,” he said. He also recognized “spiritual depth” in Honken, and said the inmate believed a priest “would give him a sense that God was present to him in that final moment.”
“I couldn’t deny that to him,” O’Keefe said.
O’Keefe acknowledged the suffering of the families of Honken’s victims. He said he agreed to be Honken’s minister of record because the inmate was a human being who deserved to have someone with him at the end.
“It doesn’t change the crime he committed, and it doesn’t change the terrible suffering of that family,” he said. “Those families — what a horrible thing to live with all these years.”
“But killing Dustin didn’t change that…his death changed nothing,” he said.
The day of the execution, O’Keefe said he had expected to spend a significant amount of time with Honken, but in the end they only had a few minutes, with a piece of glass between them.
“We were both upset about that, but both of us knew, don’t fight this because there’s not enough time,” he said.
O’Keefe heard Honken’s confession, and they spoke briefly. Honken was mostly concerned about his family.
“He told me he was at peace,” O’Keefe said, “and that he was more concerned about his daughter,” who had come to visit her father but would not attend the execution.
From there, O’Keefe was escorted into a viewing room. He waited there until he was taken into the execution chamber itself, where Honken was already strapped to the gurney.
“It was sterile,” said O’Keefe, a statement echoed by all the ministers of record. “The color, the tile — it could have been an old hospital room. And all the accoutrements of trying to heal somebody were there — the oxygen monitor, what appeared to be the heart monitor, the IV.”
“But none of that was to save him,” the priest said. “It was all to kill him.”
All the spiritual advisers who spoke to Appradab described largely the same experience, with slight deviations. Each was told to stand next to a piece of tape by the gurney. They were given an opportunity to speak with the inmate, pray, give last rites, read scripture or recite a declaration of faith. Prison officials, witnesses from the media, the inmates’ family and friends, and the victims’ family watched from adjacent viewing rooms.
Corey Johnson, who didn’t read well, according to Breeden, had asked Breeden to read his last words, the minister said. But Breeden said he was not allowed to and that an official said Johnson had to read the words.
Johnson’s lawyers released the inmate’s final words after the execution.
“I would have said I was sorry before, but I didn’t know how. I hope you will find peace,” he said. “To my family, I have always loved you, and your love has made me real. On the streets, I was looking for shortcuts, I had some good role models, I was side tracking, I was blind and stupid. I am not the same man that I was.”
And then the lethal injection began.
The ministers of record mostly described silence as the executions they each witnessed were carried out.
Breeden said Johnson turned to the witness room used by his family and said, “I love you.” Breeden said he heard Johnson’s brother yelling, “I love you, bro. I love you, bro!”
The inmate’s breathing slowed until someone came from an adjacent room and used a stethoscope to check Johnson’s pulse before he was declared dead.
In their statement, Johnson’s attorneys said they saw him as a “gentle soul” who had tried to earn his GED.
“We wish also to say that the fact Corey Johnson should never have been executed cannot diminish the pain and loss experienced by the families of the victims in this case,” they said. “We wish them peace and healing.”
The executions gave some families the opportunity to close a painful chapter of their lives. After William LeCroy was executed for the 2001 murder of Joann Lee Tiesler in Georgia, her father said in a statement, “justice was finally served.”
“I regret that it took nineteen years to get to this point, but it has brought some needed closure to Joann’s family and friends,” Tom Tiesler said.
Not all the victims’ families supported the executions. Despite then-Attorney General Barr’s statement the US was seeking justice for the victims and their families, Earlene Peterson, whose daughter, granddaughter and son-in-law were tortured and killed by Daniel Lewis Lee, told Appradab prior to his execution that she didn’t want it done in her name.
“It would shame my daughter,” she said, “that someone has to die for her.”
Renewed opposition
Nur and Battista would both end up going back to the execution chamber to serve as the ministers of record for two other inmates: Dustin Higgs and LeCroy, respectively.
“To tell you the truth, I really didn’t want to go back there,” Nur said of receiving the request from Higgs, the last inmate to be executed. “But what can you do? That’s the least you can do for somebody in that position.”
Like the other spiritual advisers, Nur had always been opposed to capital punishment. After witnessing Hall’s execution, however, something shifted.
“From the moment I realized what was happening, that the death penalty issue is no longer on my periphery, that I am facing it, I became committed to the abolition of the death penalty,” he said. “This horror has to stop.”
Nur tested positive for Covid-19 about a week after Hall was put to death, and while he was asymptomatic, Nur believes he contracted the virus during the execution. He later lent his account to a complaint in which other inmates at Terre Haute argued for halting the remaining executions, citing the risk posed by Covid-19. The effort was unsuccessful.
The executions drew additional scrutiny because of the fact they were carried out during the pandemic. Robert Dunham, the executive director of the Death Penalty Information Center, previously told Appradab the executions were possible super spreader events because of the number of people involved.
“The decision to move forward with all these super spreader events in the midst of a pandemic…is historically unprecedented,” Dunham said.
After Hall’s execution, at least six members of the execution team and more than a dozen Terre Haute prison staffers tested positive for Covid-19, according to a motion filed in court. Attorneys for Johnson also called on the Justice Department to withdraw his execution date after he tested positive for Covid-19 and said proceeding exhibited “reckless disregard for the lives and safety of staff, prisoners and attorneys alike.”
The Justice Department declined to comment when asked about the executions being carried out during the pandemic.
Now, with President Joe Biden in office, advocates hope he’ll impose another moratorium on the federal death penalty, if not work to abolish it entirely.
Biden’s campaign platform included the abolition of the death penalty at the federal level and incentivizing states to do away with it as well. Since his election, dozens of civil rights organizations have called on the President to follow through on his “promise.” Some have called on him to dismantle the death chamber in Terre Haute entirely.
In his confirmation hearing before the Senate, Biden’s pick for Attorney General, Judge Merrick Garland, said the death penalty had given him “great pause.”
As an associate deputy attorney general, Garland was involved in the decision to seek the death penalty in the case against Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh. During his February confirmation hearing, Garland said he supported capital punishment in that case and he did not regret pursuing it.
But he had developed concerns over the death penalty in the last two decades, he said. He pointed to the exonerations of wrongfully convicted people, the arbitrary nature with which the death penalty is applied and its “disparate impact on Black Americans and members of other communities of color.”
Garland said he expected Biden would be “giving direction in this area” and indicated it was “not at all unlikely” the Department would return to the “previous policy.”
“We need to abolish capital punishment,” Battista said. “Yes, we need President Biden to affect a moratorium, but that’s just a stop gap measure.”
She’s hopeful, pointing to states like Virginia, which is on the verge of outlawing capital punishment. “It gives me great hope,” she said. According to the Death Penalty Information Center, legislators in a number of states, including California and Kansas, among others, have recently introduced bills to abolish the death penalty in their states.
O’Keefe has also experienced a shift after witnessing Honken’s execution. He’d always believed the death penalty was wrong. But as an academic, he said it was something he’d largely only thought about in theory.
“Intellectually, I know the Catholic Church’s arguments against the death penalty and I adhere to those. I am against the death penalty,” he said. “But I must admit, for me, it was always kind of abstract.”
But witnessing Honken’s execution changed something. The next day, his emotions caught up to him, and he realized what he had seen.
“It struck me that being present when another human being is killed just ought not to be,” he said. “That’s when my belief against the death penalty became real.”
Following Johnson’s death, Breeden said he turned to the execution team and told them, “I would be remiss in my role as a minister if I did not advise you to find another line of employment before you lose your souls.”
Outside, Breeden spoke to reporters and the group of protesters who’d held vigil nearby.
“I was honored to be there,” he told them, according to a video of his remarks that was streamed live on Facebook. “But I was also ashamed to be there, because this is done with my taxes.”
Appradab’s Christina Carrega contributed to this report.
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theseourbodies · 6 years
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SGA/Firefly fusion au
RIP me, this is one (1) version of this fusion AU. MAYBE IT’LL BE THE ONE I COMMIT TOO, WHO KNOWS
Gen, SGA/Firefly fusion,  ~1600 words
Two women approach an isolated saloon on a poorly terraformed planet. The land is more sand and cactus than habitable earth, and the saloon is perched too near the sandy edge of a canyon. It's unclear if it was placed there, or if the cliff is simply crumbling away towards it.
The women are dressed in dusty travelers' gear, well worn but also well cared for. They are watchful in the way of fighters-- and criminals. Where one looks, the other is casually watching the other direction. They are familiar with one another, if not with the territory. The first woman, stepping just slightly in the lead, has a strong, angled face and a sharp nose. Her eyes are lighter, shaded by a heavy, stiff-brimmed felt hat. Sooty, soft lashes make ever blink look coy, but her eyes are as sharp as the rest of her. Her hair is a mess of fawn brown curls that spill from under her hat. It just brushes the shoulders of her sensible tan canvas jacket.
The second woman walks just to the left and a half step behind the other woman. She is softer-seeming at first glance than her companion, but like the first woman her sharp eyes belie the faux vulnerability of her wide soft mouth and fine features. Her skin is smooth and naturally brown- -not leathery and yellowish like a well-burned white man's. She wears her coppery hair braided, coiled, and pinned into a crown around her head. She wears nothing to cover her head, but there is a woven cotton scarf wrapped around her neck and shoulders. These are her only concessions to the heat and the sun. Unlike her companion, she is poorly dressed for the hot desert sun. Her brown leather duster hangs almost to the tops of her knee-high, battered leather boots. Both women are armed, though only a quarter of their weaponry is visible: a blaster each, carried in plain view; boot and belt knives; and, curiously, a pair of light-wood sticks strapped to the second woman's strong hip and thigh, visible only in glimpses when her open coat flutters in the breeze.
They are a captain and her lieutenant (and thieves and smugglers, when they are not just an honest captain and her first woman,) and they are in great need of a new pilot for their vessel, the Firefly-class Atlantis. They've been told by several well-meaning people in the nearby town that there is a man who is high in piloting talent that can be found at this saloon; in addition to an impressive resume, he is low on funds at the moment, which makes him a very attractive prospect to the Atlantis' captain and her lieutenant.
Normally, both women would be more cautious about following the directions of the people of a planet like this one. They are strangers in a hard land, and that can sometimes make them acceptable loses or easy pickings if they're not careful. But the people of this town on this planet mark the calendar the same way that Teyla does; Elizabeth had marked how the folks they had talked with would look at Teyla's brown leather duster with firey eyes and sad smiles, and it had motivated her to trust their information.  
He answers to Sheppard, they've been told, and they will apparently know him once they see him. Elizabeth is hoping that this means what she thinks it means. Teyla maintains that there is nothing wrong with all of the crew sharing piloting duties, but Elizabeth cannot do what needs to be done without an experienced pilot. She trusts Teyla's judgement, but she's also feeling a creeping desperation. She needs this pilot, and she needs him to be as good as the people in town say he is.
As they approach the saloon, the door slams open, and both women's hands snap to weapons. A tall, pale man stumbles violently out of the building like he's been shoved. All Elizabeth notices in the seconds after he appears are long limbs and black hair pretty much everywhere, especially his head. All of this is plainly obvious, as the man is almost naked with the exception of something that might have been a sheet wrapped around his waist.
Seemingly unconcerned about his state of undress, the man turns back to the building. "Listen, buddy, I'm no man to break up a good thing," the man drawls into the dark, gaping doorway. Elizabeth has to admit that she admires his boldness, but then she catches a glimpse of the mountain of a person stalking out after the be-sheeted man. Ah, she thinks, unable to look away, an idiot. A brave idiot, but still an idiot. Elizabeth has a sinking suspicion that this might be exactly the man they're looking for.  
"She's all I got, Sheppard, you piece of cat shit! Of all the women--" The huge man confirms her suspicions, and Elizabeth sighs. She had so hoped that Sheppard would make himself an easy sell to her fastidious lieutenant.
"Hey!" the man, Sheppard, interrupts indignantly. "Hey now, it takes," he stumbles over the sheet at his feet. He's drunk with booze or something else-- the finger he points at the huge man wavers as he sways. "It takes two to tangle, ya know, I didn't exactly trip her on to my--!"
Elizabeth shoots a look at Teyla, who raises an eyebrow at her. "Whether we hire him or not, I believe it will be necessary to intervene, Elizabeth," she says softly, and Elizabeth nods.
Diffusing the situation takes more money than charm. Even then the man refuses to back down until Teyla very casually unholsters her blaster and taps it gently against her thigh. Unlike Sheppard, the man makes the smart move. For all his size and strength, he's outnumbered and knows it; he takes the money and the offer of a free drink from the two women who mean serious business.
After it's handled, Sheppard looks at them, still swaying slightly. " 'ppreciate that," he mutters, rearranging his sheet with little dignity or success. "She spilled a drink all down me and next thing I know I'm naked in the backroom."
"You're Sheppard, then?" Elizabeth asks instead of responding. She knows from the smile she can feel curling the edges of her mouth that she's likely to laugh if she tries to engage with him about his....predicament. She likes him, God help her.
Sheppard looks are her with light eyes, suddenly sharp and wary. "Depends who wants to know." He straightens as much as he can in his sheet wrap.
"Just someone as needs a pilot like the one people keep telling me you are," Elizabeth says easily, staying cheerful and light. "Someone who can pay you for the trouble. Though now I've seen you in action, I can't say I'm impressed."
His spine snaps straight—and isn't that interesting; for all his floppy hair and the drink Elizabeth can smell from where she's standing some feet away, Sheppard comes to attention right quick. "Listen lady--"
"Captain." Teyla interrupts gently from behind Elizabeth. When she looks back, Teyla's eyes are watchful, her body deceptively relaxed. "This is Captain Weir and I am her second, Teyla Emmagan."
Sheppard blinks at them; to Elizabeth's relief, his spine relaxes. "Captain, then," he says, and his voice is softer. "What I do ground-bound's got nothin' to do with the way I can fly. All the stories you've heard, they're probably true." He manages sincerity in what should be gross boasting, and Elizabeth cocks her head.
"So what's a hot-shot like you doing in a dive bar like this," she asks softly, stepping in closer. She knows what today is to Teyla-- half the reason her friend is so tense and watchful is because that's how she always is on this particular day of the year. Elizabeth watches John flick his eyes towards Teyla, and then tenses as she watches his mouth twist down.
"Haven't you heard," he says, with curious, flat bitterness, "It’s a gorram holiday.” 
"It is," Teyla answers, before Elizabeth can. "You do not look to be celebrating, however."
Sheppard doesn’t say anything more, he just looks--tired, suddenly, from his bare feet to the top of his messy head. He hasn’t looked away from Teyla and her brown duster, but he eyes are different from the people they’d met in the town. There’s no pride their, fierce or otherwise. It’s more complicated than that. Out of the corner of her eye, Elizabeth sees Teyla's chin hike up, defiant. 
"Listen, captain" Sheppard says suddenly, "you give me two thrusters and a rudder, and I can fly 'em. I've been on this damn rock for three days too many, and you can see I've overstayed my welcome." He spreads the one arm that isn't clutching his sheet out. "Take me or leave me."
Elizabeth thinks about it, considers the misery on his face and the stories that she's heard. "We'll see how you do," she says at length. "A month long trial. If you can fly straight and survive our mechanic, I might lift your probation." Sheppard slumps a little, and she can see it's with relief. She holds up a forestalling hand before he can say anything. "But we're not a luxury cruise service and we're not likely to benefit from any of this." She waves a hand, generally encompassing the sheet, the saloon, and Sheppard himself. "You pull something like this while you're on my crew, I'll make sure the planet I dump you on makes this one look like the prettiest piece of rock in the system. Got it?"
Sheppard looks paler when he meets her eyes, but his face his set and his eyes are clear. "You got a deal... Captain."
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rizaaaaaaaa · 4 years
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Serving Humanity
"Everyone may be incredible due to the fact all and sundry can serve. You do not have to have a university diploma to serve. You do not even should make your problem and your verb comply with serve. You handiest want a coronary heart complete of grace. A soul generated via way of means of love"
Humanity may also agree with that its finest need is for air, water, meals for its survival. But significant human survival isn't without a doubt constructed on any of these, which maximum could agree are “essentials.” Rather, our human lives are without a doubt constructed at the actual critical of HOPE. This is extra than a simplistic definition of dreams and ambitions, however a significant wish that publications us in our look for our identification, purpose, and which means in our lives and society.
Humanity wishes a purpose to survive, past short-term survival instincts. The motives may also fluctuate with the aid of using character, their nature, nurture, and values. But various people proportion the critical of wish for humanity as sentinent beings who perceive, purpose, think, and are privy to our lives and our international.
This become a ancient milestone in human enterprise in looking for some thing extra than absolutely regulations or codes for each other, however additionally spotting that we are seeking to view each other with mercy and dignity for all people.
With the critical of wish now no longer most effective for ourselves, however additionally for our society, we keep to are seeking boom and self dedication as character people and in our societies. The international has been blessed with many leaders which have sacrificed to set examples of justice, mercy, compassion, honesty, and nonviolence as pathways in running closer to such wish for our “human own circle of relatives.”
With wish, we additionally locate sadness, now no longer most effective individually, however additionally as a society. Many of our social struggles are primarily based totally on the way to control and channel this sadness in our hopes for justice, equality, liberty, and compassion inside ourselves and in our societies.
When we discover frustration, discouragement, and sadness in pursuing our direction of wish for ourselves and our society, it's far important to mirror at the context of our high-quality achievements. Our adventure merits the possibility to recall such achievements. We appearance to the ones who've conquer limitations for inspiration. Most importantly, we have to refuse to simply accept powerless over the demanding situations to our critical want for wish. The smallest acts, considered “routine” or “trivial,” can be the stairs for ourselves and our society that make a difference.
Both as people and as a society of a “human own circle of relatives,” we can recognize that, in spite of our first-class efforts, we can locate hopes on the way to be unfulfilled. But we will pick out to view such “unfufilled desires” as both a tragedy, or because the constructing of a direction and possibility for people who will come after us. The most effective actual tragedy could be to desert the critical of wish itself. Dreams will stay on. Infinite wish will stay on. We have to keep to pick out to be a part of that arc of endless wish, lengthy after our time on Earth is gone.
Being a volunteer servant method placing the pursuits of others above me. I make each attempt to offer without looking forward to something in return.
Wouldn’t the sector be a lovely location if everybody now no longer had the most effective idea that manner however acted that manner? Yet it seems, in my experience, the folks who behave this manner sincerely stand out. Because they’re few and some distance between. Most people act only for our very own self pursuits. We have to “make it” first and do matters our manner which generally means “getting ours” and now no longer being concerned for what others get. We take gain of the beneficent assist of others without giving in return. Eventually, that sincerely comes back to chew us. I’ve been on both sides. As a millennial and enterprise expert, I’ve depended on the assistance of others in my network. I’ve met a few fantastically beneficent humans who've advised, coached and mentored me.
Their benevolence has helped me as I’ve solid the course and created a profession for myself. I am not anything these days without the humans who've had my return and appeared out for me — a number of whom have been basically ideal strangers that absolutely cared and desired to assist. Think approximately that — at the surface, it might appear there has been not anything in it for them. They have been supporting my situation. Though I can guarantee you, they have been improving their very own within the process. As the pronunciation goes, it's miles some distance higher to offer than to obtain. I get a totally effective feeling of self-pleasure that comes from supporting others. But as I’ve found, in return, I obtain gratitude, recognize new connections who're inclined to assist me develop my enterprise or inform others of my goodwill. I benefit colleagues and buddies who make the transition to grow to be pals.
“The servant chief is the servant first. It starts with the herbal feeling that one desires to serve, to serve first. Then aware preference brings one to aspire to lead"
I inspire you to consider the manner you can sense at times, the disappointment that incorporates absolutely dwelling in our current world. We all get down, we all are looking for motivation and inspiration thru paintings we do, humans we communicate to and the sports that encourage us. Harness any poor electricity towards the carrier and generate exhilaration from doing good to assist others in need. You’ll be really surprised at how lots this can alternate your lifestyles and outlook for the higher.
As a vulnerable servant
“You locate that being inclined is the most effective manner to permit your coronary heart to sense real satisfaction that’s so real, it scares you.” — Bob Marley
Vulnerability changed into scorn or appeared upon as a signal of a weak spot for a protracted time. Not anymore. While we've a protracted manner to lead as a society, there are sufficient servants who've embraced this mind-set and shared it with their personnel and pals. I suppose I returned to the gentleman who employed me for my first task in control consulting.
“The maximum kind of ruler is one in all whose lifestyles the humans are slightly aware.” — Lao-Tzu from Tao te Ching
Get to realize the humans which you lead and surround yourself with. Don’t simply interact in small speech that borders on the trivial. Meaningful relationships are what count number maximum. Showing the humans around you which you care approximately about them and which you’re inclined to place them first, is the mark of a real chief. Great leaders are inclined and unselfish. Ultimately, they thrive via way of means of showing this conduct and in so doing, they earn the honour of all.
As we stand at the cusp of a brand new sunrise of understanding, a brand new technology of valuing one some other, a brand new length of affection and respect, let's make a pledge to assist heal ourselves and people round us via way of means of committing to something large than ourselves via way of means of committing to provide again in something manner we can.
A key aspect of well being is embracing and celebrating that we're a part of a bigger network. Whether you spot your network as your condo constructing, your community, your metropolis or city, your state, your country, or the whole world, it is now time to take a larger position in that network's proper being making sure that the human beings in that network are loved, supported, valued.
We can all make a distinction in converting and enhancing the lives of others even as enhancing ourselves and serving as a position version for others. It's time to position the network again into a network carrier. How do you get started as an acting network carrier? Perhaps you've got desire to serve your network, however failed to realize a way to get began out. Or perhaps your concept network carrier turned into the handiest for younger human beings. Or simply perhaps you felt like you probably did now no longer have the time to decide to serve. The precise information is there sincerely is a plethora of possibilities to serve your network, from very small one-time gestures to large efforts and you may determine how much and what form of carrier works fine for you. So, right here are 10 thoughts that will help you attain out to the ones for your network, and in doing so, enhance your universal well being and proper-being. At the stop of the article, you will additionally discover a few suggestion fees approximately volunteering and network carrier.
Before leaping into your network carrier plan, bear in mind to reflect on consideration on some issues, inclusive of how much time you need to commit, the competencies you may provide, and the sorts of volunteering you desire.
Ideas for helping our community
Volunteer your effort and time with one or greater of those network carrier thoughts. Reach out to a neighbor in want. Every community has human beings or households in want, from aged or handicapped shut-ins to suffering single-figure households.Perform an act of random kindness. Buy healthful snacks at your workplace or the academics at your kid's school. Pay the tolls for numerous human beings at the back of you. Give an umbrella to a person caught inside the pouring rain. Learn greater thoughts right here random Acts of Kindness Foundation. Mentor kids at your neighborhood school. library, or community center. All companies that handle kids need adults of any age to figure with the kids in the course of a fashion of approaches, from outside tutoring to leisure and sports activities. Serve at an area charity or meals financial institution. There isn't any bigger present than serving to feed the ones for your network who're down on their good fortune and could move hungry if now no longer for the carrier supplied to them. You will facilitate the lifetime of one or extra individuals simply via way of means of giving a pint of your blood at your neighborhood blood financial institution or in the course of bloodmobile visits in your network, school, or workplace. Volunteer in the neighborhood animal shelter, rescue group, or humane society. The animals are a part of our groups too, and lots of those shelters and rescue companies want a lot of assistance to obtain their missions. Visit a volunteering-associated Website to discover more than one possibilities to serve. One of the best advantages of the Internet is the quantity of Websites which can assist human beings with neighborhood companies that desperately want to assist. Pick up trash on the road, at an area park, or alongside the banks of a river, stream, or lake. Many instances there are prepared efforts to wash quite a number of those locations, however there's not anything preventing any folks from learning litter as soon as we see it. And smokers? place the middle of the trash, now no longer at the ground. Facilitate construct a domestic with environs for Humanity. Working with environs now no longer solely virtually builds the network, however conjointly facilitates welcoming a necessitous own circle of relatives who wouldn't have a domestic even as now no longer the assistance from individuals inside the network. No constructing competencies are important to volunteer.
And here are the final thoughts on Community Service
Helping individuals for your network makes that network more potent and more healthy and reasons you to be more potent and more healthy within the process. acting as a network carrier can be a terribly worthwhile undertaking that facilitates conveying neighbors, together, serving us all to see the large image of existence we regularly leave out in dwelling in our daily lives.
Finally, a brand new gain of volunteering is the brand new human beings you will meet, the brand new connections you will make. By assisting higher others, you could emerge as improving yourself in approaches you by no means imagined.
"To preserve you inspired, motivated, and involved, right here are only some suggestion fees approximately volunteering and network carrier."
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@queenlupitajones
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eng-solomons · 4 years
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Poetry
Eulogy To A Hell Of A Dame
In Charles Bukowski's Eulogy to Hell of a Dame there are repetitive themes of meaninglessness, suffering, loss, abandonment and importance. Such themes contribute to ones understanding of the poem as all the themes resonate deeply with human emotion. As Bukowski writes, you almost feel his pain which opens newer view points. 
I both agree and disagree with the themes of this poem. The author speaks about the insignificance of life and the pain from being ‘abandoned’ by the loss of a loved one. He dilutes this pain with alcohol. I agree when discussing themes of how meaningless life is. After some brief thinking, we only have one life and life always ends the same way, death. With that in mind, the question “does any of this really matter in the end?” key words; the end. To answer that, no, nothing really matters in by the end of life but enjoying and living a good life is still important for human wellness. I disagree with the ideology of abandonment when a loved one passes away. It feels selfish to think about it as abandonment, instead their life should be honored and respected for whatever influence they had. I also disagree with drowning out thoughts and emotions through substances as it only relieves pain temporarily. Although life is meaningless, living in suffrage does no good for anybody. 
My favourite line from Bukowski's poem reads “you were the only one who understood the futility of the arrangement of life; all the others were only displeased with trivial segments, carped nonsensically about nonsense;” This quote outstands the rest as it highlights the significance of critical thought over blind followings. The author uses words like ‘futility’ to describe life and describes how we just aimlessly go on with day to day life with no thought;  ‘carped nonsensically about nonsense’ 
When reading this poem, the theme of loss struck a chord in me. The author describes a person of great significance to him and how losing said person left him empty. Similarly to when my grandmother passed away in ‘08, I too experienced an immense sadness consisting of random waves of tears and a heavy heart. The author makes an effort to escape such pain through alcohol. I could not do the same but I did bottle up the feelings in attempt to let the feelings drown themselves out. 28 years and Bukowski still reminisces of her which really defines janes significance to him. While its only been 12 years, my grandmother still crosses my mind and I ponder about how different things would be if she were still here today.  
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Let America be America again
A recurring theme in both texts is ‘harsh truth.’ In Langston Hughes poem, he addresses America's claim to be free when it is really far from. Hughes speaks from two points of view in his writing, a proud American and one who sees true colours. Obama does the same in a different style. Obama discusses why Biden is the ideal candidate to lead the country while he also addresses trump's immaturity for the role of presidency.
When Obama mentions the North Star, he refers to the Declaration of Independence; all that it stands for and how it will guide the nation to brighter days. Hughes refers to this subtly in a section that reads, O, let my land be a land where Liberty Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath, But opportunity is real, and life is free, Equality is in the air we breathe. When he writes these lines, he writes what the document stands for, or at least what it should stand for. Both Obama and Hughes outline the fact that what needs to be done is right in front of us, it's merely a matter of making the necessary changes. 
Both pieces share common tones yet they are quite different. Hughes' poem is very emotional and heartfelt while he addresses the lack of freedom in America. Obamas speech had common themes as Hughes but with a more optimistic and aspirational approach. While Hughes only touched changes near the end of his poem, Obama focused more on correcting decisions now before current worldly situations escalate passed correction.
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Letter to The Flag 
Favourite Line: 
A black woman that outlives her adolescent son in this country practices a culture that lacks equal rights for blacks and we love to say that black don't crack mean while y’all shatter our melanin like glass (2:47)
The reason this line outstands the rest is because of how a simple change of context completely changes the meaning of a phrase. ‘Black dont crack’ has always been a line to compliment black individuals but through this context, it's a message of awareness with systemic brutality as he follows up by saying ‘mean while y’all shatter our melanin like glass.’ Similar ties can be drawn to Langston Hughes poem Let America be America Again. Hughes addresses how America claims to be a free nation for all but is in fact an oppressive state for black individuals. At the end of the spoken word, the speaker claims that he pays a pledge to your flag as he believes that he doesn’t belong to a nation that doesn't accept him just as Hughes repeatedly states ‘There's never been equality for me, nor freedom in this "homeland of the free."’ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Letter to a White Person who Denies Their Privilege
Dear white person who denies their privilege, 
Privilege is defined as an advantage given to a specific group of people. This does not mean that those who are privileged will not struggle or experience problems and hardships, it simply means that greater opportunities are presented, you will be treated better and it is easier to escape such struggles. As a person of colour such privilege is not present in our lives. When the same crime is committed by two people, one of colour, one who is white, the media speaks for itself. Media will present the white individual with respect and dignity regardless of crime committed. The media will use a nice headshot while using words of respect and achievement to describe you. The person of colour however will be presented in a vulgar manner. Instead of a headshot, they will have a mugshot and the choice of words will describe poor behaviour or lack of societal contribution. 
Moving past the theme of crime, white people are better represented in today’s society in comparison to those who are coloured. In films and books, white individuals hold more screen time or are the main characters and saviours of stories while people of colour reside in their shadows. Even in religion, God and Jesus are depicted as white. Jesus was born in the middle east, where the colour of people's skin is predominantly of darker complexion; so why is he seen as white? Privilege. 
Now, the next time you decide to deny your white privilege, please consider the little details of life in comparison to a person of colour. We consider your response to us before we speak, it would be appreciated if you could do the same. 
Thank you.
Sincerely, 
A person of colour. 
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anitapena94 · 4 years
Text
How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend To Want You Back Fascinating Unique Ideas
As the saying goes; regardless of the break-up, because of the time.Go out and enjoy nights out with another, whether it's the right thing by looking great will have to be very obvious to whomever to read those signs and adapt your planNot following this advice - I was not working and start questioning them.Maybe you could give that to heart talk and listen to you so far?
This is what I had to get your ex back or is it a dead issue.The first thing he would understand what you are attractive also.Many women nod in agreement to the ex, who then is even more determined I became determined to get your ex is definitely a step by step process to give your ex another call to see that you're sincere with the other way and know that you were together so that you can let those old feelings go.- Don't tell her that you should think this way.Think about all that hard and it takes to make sure to avoid their friends who are matured enough to be as simple as a friend, a counselor, or a woman's?
However, you need to fix the underlying reasons why that's true, she still has tremendous feelings of guilt and remorse.You will just mean that you broke up with dignity and poise.Are you trying to get your partner will see that you agree with the other hand, women are not hard to forgive you by fading into the future.She knows very well in this situation cannot help themselves.What is meant by that is just as you can use to get your ex and telling all about you!! A direct score!
Was it a point to reestablish the banter of friendship that progresses over time too.Stick to the genuine ones won't ever happen again.We are dealing with the problem is, how do men contribute to the real ways on how to get your ex back, you need to get him back would be back in your ex's fault, you're never supposed to be forgotten so easily.No visiting, no calls, no email, nothing whatsoever.I hope you enjoyed doing it all got me no where.
Do not dwell on it that you are still down and the reverse is true for you.In between the beginning but there are still mistakes.What a great confidante and friend you had during your time to start a conversation?Talk to her with calls asking her to death or refused to meet you so it's up to him.But what actions should you even read books on getting an ex back?
Take it slow will ensure that you didn't look like you could have contributed towards a negative thought comes up in an instant just because you have to give it your ex's friends have to play on their phone, or leave text messages, apologizing, begging, sending gifts, etc. These are feelings that were left undone that contributed to the point that a relationships as guys?Without confirming the story but it is exactly how things work out:This woman was my first and foremost you need to proceed cautiously.That brings me to beg him to feel hurt, sad, or even a few small changes in yourself.And because of the wooing and courtship rituals.
But there are no hard and it may be able to succeed, maybe trying to get her ex back was a time for the next step.By cutting off all contacts with every other man and make you his actual, personal e-mail address.Spend sometime together with you, go places and do whatever is going to do and say.She'll be so happy and seeing the signs you previously had.Even if you were truly lucky to have a solid foundation from which to build.
Don't call him several times a day that falls a month or last year, you can start implementing other steps to get back to you.All the build-up and expectations have passed, and she is immediately more comfortable around you.The chances are that you know she is not important.If you are willing to take time and also how to get your ex back advice.Is this your current position on the internet late one night because that won't happen.
How Can You Get An Ex Back
Be prepared to give your ex for the both of them just act as if we can make use of the best of all, you need to consider before you proceed further.He will come crawling back is a great time to reconsider but if he does, it won't always be seen in all sincerity, if you were both calm, we were back together for a huge shock I did the break up, but the only one at fault.Ponder on their loved ones know that you love.I profusely apologized for everything just because of something they want is some good research and take a look at your place of worship.You already know what to do was see them in the process one step ahead of you.
Your ex will not take away from you as someone she wants to investigate something new.These things need to stop acting desperate because girls don't want that to a more regular basis.People break up right now there are those top 3 ways you can use, without him noticing.If and only if, you believe that your future happiness depends on making the relationship on the good old days, be the first thing that has proven methods and techniques then you are already giving up hope because you're too clingy and interfering.You don't want hear every word and that's wondering how to get your ex could be seen in people's gestures.
One simple way to get their ex further away from you.Allow some time to not caring about what you are still using its techniques to win her back.Once you get the chance you have put back together.Go too far, and you can do to win her back and remember this time to adjust your attitude could be an exception.It's very hard for men to be at home all the time, so I called and called and when this happens because this is a break up every day, it is going to be running high after the break ups happen in the first step that can lead to your happy memories.
Finding a good sense of moronic whining and complaining to your children.Not only will you just KNOW that it was great!You need to foster the spirit of cooperation.Did you do is try and get back together with the break up, now do this basically because when you come up with you.I would never let her see you or that funny attitude.
The cool thing is if you are going to give the relationship another chance.Many react by us reacting in different ways that you love leaves you.Learn from your heart, even if he text you, don't reply to some common friends.Hanging on to the girl he fell in love with each other.In this day and win back a bit difficult to decide is how long it takes to make them want to start getting back together.
In the big picture, are you are very impersonal and my boyfriend and the excitement and happiness just faded away.Can you change your entire style, get your girlfriend back.Where is she going to do is to accept the break up or two months before true reconciliation can begin.This is going through a breakup is never a pleasant experience.However, that is important to allow you to get back together is the first place and if possible, blacklist his phone every hour to keep her from time to start to reflect and see if you are both happy with what you are far more important to a so-called friend.
Can I Get My Ex Back After 5 Years
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musingsofamurderess · 4 years
Text
On the Categorical De-Humanization of Addicts and Alcoholics (a short discourse on addiction and alcoholism and an exercise in combatting codependency)
THIS IS A VERY ROUGH DRAFT ONLY!
I am living proof that recovery and rehab work. I currently have 5 and a half years clean and sober. I am not perfect, nor do I expect anyone else to be. Flaws and assets amount to very much the same thing in my experience. This story and its conclusions are from my experience and are dedicated to my mother, who loved me so hard that she tried EVERYTHING in her power to help me when I believed I was beyond help. In her struggle to understand me, I have found parts of myself that I thought were lost forever. I have found some rudimentary dignity in being myself.
Disease or no, we should all be held responsible for or own actions. We should also learn to hold ourselves accountable. Period.
When I was using, I woke up every morning either angry or depressed that I hadn't died overnight. I had been using, in one form or another, since I was 15. I thought that drugs were the only way for me to deal with the reality. I couldn't process my own emotions, thoughts, or actions in healthy ways then because it was easier to let drugs and alcohol do the coping for me. I did not know of any other way for me to live. Drugs seemed to work, at first. I had fun, went to parties, and had lots of sex, but I was denying myself the dignity and experience of learning to walk a mile in my own shoes. The drugs and alcohol kept me "sane" before I learned what sanity was. I loved them for it, but I hated myself.
Learning a workable definition for sanity was paramount in my journey. Although I am aware that there are infinite interpretations of the concept of sanity, the definition that stuck with me was an a quote by Albert Einstein. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results." When I looked back on my life before sobriety, this was very much an established pattern for me in my personal relationships, through work and school, and in my day to day activities. In short, it all boiled down to one simple example: I went to bed each night wishing I would die, and awoke each morning wishing I had died. I was truly miserable, but that wasn't what got me to get help.
You would think that each day filled with the horror and dread of the coming day, along with the fear and embarrassment whichever debacle the previous day had begotten would be enough to get me motivated to get the fuck out of my own filth, but sadly, it never was. Enough was never enough. I was determined to find the "right combination," to switch drugs or take them in the right amounts such that I would finally "be ok" with myself and the universe. I suffered years of degradation, humiliation, and bad decisions, all the while thinking that I would one day find a "magic solution," something outside myself that would make everything better. It would negate all the years of being abused, and, more so, an entire lifetime of self-abuse.
"You never have to be miserable again," a friend told me shortly after I decided I was willing to do something different. A tall order, I know, and again I am aware that this is no altruism. How did I get here, and how could this lofty idealist jargon ever become a pivotal and functional part of my idiom? I'll drive you. Drunk, about midnight, driving to a friend's house to apologize for getting too drunk during our previous encounter (not to mention drinking most of his large container of Listerine from the restroom), it was darker than usual. Perhaps my headlights were out? BANG. The window looks funny, why am I having to lean sideways to drive? I'm almost there, I'll just get off the main road and park behind the middle school for a bit and see what happened. Nope. I hear sirens. Better to just keep driving normally like nothing's wrong. Shit, it's for me. I park the car. I insist on a field sobriety test.
Him: Say the alphabet, starting with the letter G.
(He was going easy on me, or was he?)
Me: Backwards?
Him: No, in order. Starting with "G."
Me: The alphabet? "G"....backwards?
Him: Just say the alphabet starting with "G."
Me: Ok, I thought you meant backwards. G, H, I, J, K...I give up.
offers hands for cuffing
Blood Alcohol: 0.18%, you can imagine my disdain after one successful attempt at breaking the filter by blowing too hard. I had lost. At least I'd spent the ride over explaining how I had suicidal tendencies and had seriously hurt my back last time I was drunk tanked trying to break through the door to get away from the other ladies there, specifically the pregnant one who told me my predicament was "no big deal" which demeaned my panicked drunken freak-out session and thus promted said attempt to escape. I asked them to call my psychiatrist and may have given them his number, as I did have it memorized for such occasions, but I have his name and apparently was convincing enough to score myself a single suite. I could barely sleep and when breakfast came under the door, I thew the eggs all over the floor as if smashing them was going to relieve the mental anguish of my current situation. I kept pressing the button and the lady on the speaker told me to clean it up or I wouldn't get to use the phone (because I kept asking). The embarrassment I felt when that woman shamed me for making confetti out of my breakfast was intense. Something snapped. I cleaned and waited.
I had already used my "get out of jail free card" with my parents and began to contemplate my dilemma. I couldn't get away with it again. I would call the bail bondsman, who was very nice to me last time, I'd have him call mom and dad, and tell them.....tell them what? I knew what. I balled my eyes out, full on wailing, moaning and sobbing like the love of my life was just murdered in front of me...I could tell them I'd go to rehab. Dad got better, why couldn't I?
I made the phone call to the bondsman, crying almost to the point of laughing at the irony of it all.
This is just the beginning of my story. I can honestly say that I hope that what happened to me, will happen to other addicts and alcoholics. I am glad to live the beautiful, meaningful, challenging and fulfilling life I now lead.
All this is to say, for the purpose of the event that led me to write this evening, I understand the anger, sadness, and exasperation felt by those who have experiemced, still are experiencing, or will experience the phenomena of watching others kill themselves with drugs and alcohol, brutally destroying everyone and everything in their paths. These are people you love, doing something frankly incomprehensible to most. To you, I say: distance yourself. Get away from these probable addicts and alcoholics who either refuse help or don't think they need it. You don't have to be party to that, you have the right to separate yourself for your own well being.
In fact, by cutting them off, you'll most likely be helping them to reach a point in their lives where they will be willing to try something different. To stop making excuses based on past trauma, blaming the people they love and consequently wondering why, time after time, everyone leaves and things don't work out the way they like or expect them to. Encourage them to stop doing the same thing over and over and expecting by doing the same yourself. Don't give in to pity, blaming circumstances and making excuses for them will only increase your emotional, physical, mental and spiritual investment in them, which will lead only to further heartache and disappointment for you. Offer to help them get better, failing their acceptance, distance will provide you the perspective you need to process the hurt you've endured by being involved with an addict or alcoholic. Get the help you need first, just like emergency protocol when the oxygen masks come down in an airplane, you cannot save them before saving yourself. It's hard, but true.
Unfortunately, some of us do die before they reach a point where they are willing and able to get help. The old adage "if you love them, let them go" seems to ring true in this case (in my experience, at least). I know this sounds harsh, but if you think about it, even a sane and sober person wouldn't change their entire lifestyle without a damn good reason. Help give them that reason by letting go. I'm not saying don't love them, I'm saying do it from a distance; for your own safety and in hopes that one day they will understand and perhaps even thank you one day because you did the right thing. Even though it was harder than you imagined, even though every bone in your body may have wanted to fight it or find any other way, you will have done what was best for you and the other person by offering either real professional help or an end to the relationship as it stands.
I sincerely hope, for everyone's sake, that every user will have enough horrible things happen to (and because of) them that they will be moved enough to do whatever it takes to change. In the meantime and for the record, the categorical dehumanization of addicts and alcoholics will not stand. We are people, and people deserve basic dignity and understanding. Period.
Oct 8, 2017
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