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#which contributed to me looking worse (imo. just like for myself)
petefromarma · 22 days
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Dont get me wrong but that course of events you laid out sounds like a mostly good thing? Gabe saying anything even kinda resembling an apology is already better than the Absolutely Nothing I was expecting
i’m putting this under a cut as it’s long
yeah i mean i do think them donating to a relief org would be the absolute best thing possible bc like as of rn nothing abt this is materially helping palestinians. it’s all just noise which honestly i probably shouldn’t be contributing to bc i always knew this was going to happen and i’ve always known what pete and gabe are like. i’ve also always known what the other three are like but pete and gabe are the only ones who have done and said things prior to this incident (other than being silent) irt palestine that warranted outright criticism. anyway my main problem rn is w gabe’s statement.
the reason i’m unimpressed w it is bc i feel like it’s smth either he or an intern paraphrased in like two minutes (again, always knew this was going to be the response if any), and doesn’t address what the majority of the problem was imo, which was that he was parroting blood libel propaganda put out by the israeli govt re oct 7th. i haven’t gone and looked at the post myself recently, only seen screenshots of his comments, so idk if he took that part down, but that to me is the greatest issue. i never had a problem w him mourning the civilian casualties/hostages of oct 7th.
like addressing the discontent at all IS a good thing but i don’t believe his comment covers anything that he actually needed to apologize for and i’ve already seen teenage westerners who clearly learned abt palestine for the first time like. five months ago. trying to speak on this situation with authority that is not earned and not deserved.
and i’d like to be clear and say that i don’t believe all or even most blunders re saying something ignorant online require a full apology; i think that in most cases, deleting whatever was said is enough. i don’t think pile ons or bullying are conducive to rehabilitation or a change in behavior. however, to me, this is a special situation in which i believe a full retraction is necessary bc as i said before, he was spreading israeli govt propaganda.
none of what he said was new to me either. i know he’s the descendant of holocaust survivors, and more than that, i know his family had to flee europe and later uruguay. i know that like many jewish families do, his parents kept a box in their home in nyc filled with their passports and valuables in case they needed to get out of the country in a hurry; he needs to realize that this and so much worse is the reality that palestinins are living every single day.
the israeli govt preys upon and exploits the generational trauma of jewish individuals/families/communities in order to sow fear, terrorize palestinians, and further the colonization of palestinian land; i have complete understanding of how he’s been radicalized to this point, but it doesn’t excuse what he’s said and done and i think the only real way of fixing this is putting his money where his mouth is and making a public donation. again i’m not demanding anything of him, i’m not saying this will or won’t happen, i’m just saying what i think SHOULD be done and what would be the most effective from a harm reduction standpoint. can he come back from being radicalized to the point he was/is? i don’t know. i’d like to think so. all i know is that that statement didn’t address what i think it should have addressed IF it was supposed to be considered at all meaningful and i think the way ppl have been reacting to it is inappropriate.
anyway, sidebar bc i’m going to attempt to stop talking about this after this post and go back to focusing on initiatives that actually benefit ppl in palestine rn, but i think fans (who are not palestinian) who were shocked by this were living in a fantasy world and i think the way those fans esp those on twt have reacted toward meredith has been abhorrent. as i said a lot of this has just been noise rather than any action that is meaningful in any way and i think that while we should be realistic abt what we are going to get from them we should also be able to acknowledge where any actions of theirs are lacking.
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5ungchan · 1 month
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not really a request, i just wanted to know the creative process behind you writing all of your fics. i love your style of writing sm, how do you chose the right words or come up with the ideas that you do :)
omg hello! thank you for stopping by. this is very sweet of you to say. it's a huge confidence booster and i will take your comment to heart <3!!
the creative process behind the ideas that i come up with, typically stem from a certain emotion i want to evoke. i'd like to consider myself a very observant individual (given my experience working with psychiatric patients and being in a hospital setting with geriatric (palliative), dementia patients & the ED most evenings.)
so when you look at someone who's an idol, especially when their identities are quite manufactured, it gives you some leeway with how you want to proceed with them as a character. a lot of people like to follow each other on how they perceive a member, but my advice would be to do it your way. take a look at the member, not when they're talking, but when they're standing off to the side during a video or interview. it shows you a bit of how they are when they're not actively "acting" their "personas" in front of the camera. obviously don't take this too seriously, we shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. but it is for the sake of writing fiction, which isn't real.
from there, think about their personality and how you could twist that into pure, raw emotion. if someone's constantly happy, imagine how they could be when they're alone. sometimes the happiest, loudest people can be the most quiet and mentally conflicted (in terms of dealing with stress, sadness and those conflicting emotions) individuals when no one's watching.
i like to include something that personally makes me open up emotionally. that being said don’t be shy to explore topics that can be difficult to talk about openly! emotions are crazy bro. if there's something that hits you differently in terms of romance, etc. for example: you have a hard time loving others because you don't even love yourself. it can be sort've fleshed out into a bunch of small one-liners. and yes, i mean literal one-liners: just a sentence.
for example: "i just want to be happy."
a sentence like that shows (imo) the emotional decay and struggle that someone could be facing alone. it's a sentence that could be said with sarcasm, dripping with dark humour, or it could be a sentence of someone speaking their emotional thoughts aloud for the first time. i personally like to take the latter, the angst route is my favourite. especially since human emotions are so complex and very hard to navigate so there really isn't a wrong answer when writing.
from there you can expand. how do you want the character to proceed? are they going to be talking more, who are they talking to, etc. i personally like to add in a bit of the mise-en-scène (yes i throw this word around A LOT, but it's my favourite and something i always consider when writing.) adding in how the character feels emotionally, where they are and if that environment contributes to how they feel (for better or for worse) is important to describe and really flesh out the scene!
in continuation to the example:
“i just want to be happy…”
sungchan hears the way her breath falters, a slight crackle of static can be heard from the other side of the phone. the shuffling and shifting of bedsheets, blankets make themselves known, and he just knows she's drowning within her emotions. he doesn't push it, nor does he say anything. the silence continues to drone on for a few moments. allowing you to regain your composure, one that he knows you're struggling to keep pieced together.
it's almost as though he can picture your bottom lip quivering. a desperate attempt at silencing your emotions. feelings that had lingered far too long within the confinements of your mind. ones that had begun to seep past the windows of your soul, dripping down your cheeks like rain on a glass pane.
a sniffle rings through the phone, followed by a soft gasp. the way your breath re-introduces itself into the phone makes his heart stop. you'd been holding it all in. even something as simple as your breathing, was presented shyly to him. no matter how many times you'd shown your vulnerable emotions to him, you still felt afraid. afraid that he'd judge you, that he'd leave you behind.
but he hasn't and he won't. at least it's something that he's beginning to have a hard time convincing himself about. it's a scenario he's grown to know all too well. one where you're laying in that bed of yours, unable to sleep with your eyes focused on the plain, white ceiling above. it's a place you never leave. not unless, you find yourself sprawled out naked in his. at least then, you'd never be crying. the self-loathing had only ever commenced when you were alone.
anyways yeah I wrote that on a whim so obviously not the best (it's ass) but blah blah blah i also recommend never stopping with the first draft. look back on the paragraphs and re-write them directly under the first copy but allow yourself to filter out through some words, adding in new ones.
i almost always rewrite a story everytime I review it until I’m happy with the final copy! i personally enjoy using imagery (i'm not that good at it, but it's fun) it's also important to find your own tone, your own voice because that will distinctly make your work stand out from others because of how you are telling the story to your viewers! so yeah for myself when I write: IF IM HURTING MY GOAL IS TO MAKE YOU HURT WITH ME LETS CRY TOGETHER. then we can connect and discuss our emotions afterwards, maybe kiss, jk. unless? lmao jk.
final note: write for yourself. the best works come from what you’re personally content with and enjoy reading. people will find you this way and they’ll stick with you! your confidence can be a learning journey that other viewers can feed off of! energy is important! good luck!
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lloke · 4 months
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I kind of have a weird perspective on the "is [currently trendy mental condition] overdiagnosed" debate because I've actually been falsely diagnosed with autism lol. Or at least, I no longer consider the diagnosis useful in explaining my actual problems. (Of course these days the trendy mental disorder that everyone is getting diagnosed or diagnosing themself with is ADHD, but previously it was autism.)
I mean yeah I have kinda got the stereotypical nerdy autism-adjacent personality in some ways, but my "autistic traits" are mild enough that they don't really cause any problems for me. Most of my actual problems with social stuff etc are really just due to anxiety. I guess I was more genuinely socially awkward/oblivious when I was younger, but like.... lots of young people are socially awkward lol. I don't really think I'm that much worse than average at reading people etc; sometimes I feel like I'm better at it than some people I know who look more superficially "neurotypical".
Another thing that contributed to the diagnosis though is that I do in fact have Sensory Issues. But even back during the period when I accepted the diagnosis, I did notice that my sensitivities seemed quite different from those of most autistic people (other autistic people were bothered by loud or sudden noises while I was bothered by quiet and regular noises, etc) Then I found out about misophonia and realized that I clearly have misophonia sensory issues and not autism sensory issues at all.
So it's not like I don't have any problems -- it's just that autism isn't really the best label to explain them. But my mom dragged me to the clinic and was like "my daughter has autism, I want an official diagnosis so we can get her off the hook for failing at school" -- so they gave her what she wanted. (My mom's reasons for doing this are kind of a whole story in themselves which I won't get into now.) Of course I'm not drawing any far-reaching conclusions from my own experience; I'm sure there are also many people who do need a diagnosis/treatment but are unable to access it for various reasons. My own misdiagnosis was at least partly due to my actual condition (misophonia) being obscure enough that nobody could recognize it. And I also got a social anxiety diagnosis at the same time which has been much more helpful.
But I guess I just don't agree with the idea that autism is "just a difference, not a disability" or whatever -- I do have some vaguely autism-adjacent traits, but since I'm not disabled by them I don't see any need to use the label. Just calling myself a nerd is enough of an explanation for why I'm Like This IMO.
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meg-megbanom-ezt · 1 year
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The Four Horsemen of my Spotify Wrapped
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As a last minute effort, I present my Spotify wrapped as my final post of this year, with a bit of illustration. The background of the image is, of course, not mine but Jason Galea's. Originally I wanted to recreate it myself but a) I couldn't make it half, no, quarter as good b) I can't be bothered by doing anything difficult for 2022. I've had enough.
The reason I don't post the original Spotify images like anybody else is... because my poor phone is so old and messed up that I was happy to be able to tap through at. all. I was like, "is there any cheat code for Level 2?", the app crashed OR skipped too much forward OR backward. So this is also a goodbye to Spotify on the phone because after I wrote(!) down(!!!) the stats, I deleted the app. Spoiler: it also crashed all the other times. I've bought an SD card and I'll listen to mp3s from now on. Soooo ~retro~!
To be fair, I used the Spotify browser edition, as well; more than the phone app version, I'd guess. Maybe I keep using that, but I prefer YouTube for listening for music (I know, I know), although it's not really the bee's knees either. Just still the better one IMO.
So if anybody persisted despite my rants or against the odds how much people usually care for other's music taste... HERE IS THE POINT:
Most common genres (in descending order, but fuck bullet points):
new wave - no surprise rock - broad category, but I can see this Australian indie - see later... classic Hungarian rock - hmm... I think this is a broad category as well early US punk - I can see this, too
How much I've listened to Spotify?
3493 minutes, which is ~58 hours - not even 2,5 days. I don't think it's too much. Still, I've listened to more music than 45% of Hungarian users! I'm so curious how would the distribution look like. And what about podcasts? I guess it's also a keyword here. (Podcasts are not my cup of tea, but I'd still love to see statistics. OK, I just like stats, OK?)
Top 5 songs:
Holiday in Cambodia - imagine this... this made it to the top with *drum roll* four repeats on a gray January day! Wow, just wow. I can't complain, tho - it's a great song. It just looks like I don't do that horrible number of loops on Spotify (unlike on YT). Also, now you understand the top left corner (even though, iirc, Jello gnawing the chord is in the California Über Alles video? anyway...). Pop Song 89 - Oh, I can explain this, it's a recent thing. I opened Spotify, I saw this song among top of the favourites, "oh, I like this", I played the song - and closed the app / tab. Hence, the top right corner (but poor Michael Stipe, I should've drawn him better in retrospect). Lonely Steel Sheet Flyer - holy shit, I didn't even remembered this song title. I guess I was like, "wait it's good!" and replayed a few times without recollecting. [these guys drugged me through their music: a story at 8PM] Swamp Thing - same as above, but it's by The Chameleons. But even worse: unlike with King Gizzard, I don't even really know the band! Put me in the *looks in the notes* pillory. Ez a város - the only reason it's this below because I listen to Európa Kiadó more on other platforms. :) I link this, because it's Hungarian and you'd find songs with the same title but shittier music if it wasn't for me. I biased but I don't care. ...OK, I care a bit. As much as I love this band, the lyrics make the difference here, so non-Hungarian speakers are inherently missing out and might just see it as any other new wave / alternative band. Still, recommended (of course!). Also, at bottom left quarter now you can recognize Jenő Menyhárt, the bandleader music director of the band.
Top bands:
King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - surprise! Remember the above-mentioned Australian indie as the bronze-winner genre? King Gizzard single-handedly contributed to that. The funny - and maybe touching :3 - thing is that King Gizzard is actually one of my brother's favourite bands. The exception rule of my cynical take is that people might do care about other's taste if they are close friends or relatives. At least I do. So that's why I listened to the ABSOLUTE WHOLE FUCKING DISCOGRAPHY of the King Gizzard!!! And them being a really, I mean REALLY prolific band, it was easy to reach the top here. Their stuff is so diverse and energetic, but eventually... I like some of their albums, some of them I kinda love, even, but I don't think I became a real fan. I wouldn't go to their concert by myself but if someone important invited me OR I magically won a ticket, I'd gladly go. The Beatles - .......really?! - I muttered with a smirk. Honestly, fuck The Beatles. OK, I am just being edgy here. But they only finished on the second place because I clicked on a "basic Beatles for x hours" recommendation playlist and I complied, but wasn't impressed by the end. My point is, it's easy for a band to get a metric fuckton of hours if you binge them for whatever reason and then Spoti draws the wrong conclusion because quantity and preference don't necessarily correlate. (I guess I could've concluded already above but honestly, fuck the Beatles.) Európa Kiadó - I made my point above. One addition: their live stuff is often waaaay better than the studio stuff but those are available elsewhere, so the third place is reasonable. New Order - hmm. A band I kinda like, but don't like enough for the fourth place. Then I remembered that I binged two of their albums so I get it. The Smiths - well I wonder how come someone hasn't noticed that I'm dead these guys have only reached the fifth place? Kinda guilty pleasure, but I cannot not like the Smiths. So this is why we got Morrissey at the bottom right corner, not that he would deserve it, tho. Also I made his glasses with the anime school of obscuring glass because if I'm already embarrassed myself, why not top all of it with weeb shit.
Now peace out, I have to shower and go to the party where possibly better music is played (granted, my brother is also invited there). Happy New Year in advance for all my lovely mutuals and all the others passing by! <3
UPDATE: oh fuck, I forgot one more thing. I played King Gizzard for 728 minutes, which qualified me for the top 3% of listeners! Yeah, that's 12 hours and 8 minutes! If this doesn't impress you, nothing will.
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inaflashimagine · 3 years
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The topic of Gojo and loneliness is interesting, since he never had anyone growing up. But it’s because of that he never really cared since you cannot miss what you never had anyway. But then Geto comes in, and they are best friends and he’s Gojo’s one and only, and when you take that away, for Gojo to go from nothing to someone who had everything to someone who had nothing all over again after just a few short years, it’s just too sad
And I made myself sad again whoops
YES exactly! And I like to hc that Gojo and Geto initially had a rough relationship when they first met, mainly because of the boorish way Gojo interacts with others (ch 96, him saying “Don’t look at me you small fry” has me rolling every time💀💀 ).
Because imagine being told throughout your childhood that you will likely be one of the strongest sorcerers in this generation, then meeting someone whose powers might even rival yours? The change from possibly being the strongest -> Gojo accepting that he and Geto are the strongest together -> the duo being broken and Gojo needing to be the strongest without Geto is such whiplash.
Imo they would’ve been such a formidable duo, and maybe if they worked with Yuki, they could’ve contributed a lot to finding and possibly even ending the root problem of curses. Gojo’s birth brought a imbalance to the world with an uptick in powerful curses. Then Geto is born, whose CT would allow him to collect these powerful curses and potentially restore the balance that was lost. Both of their presences complement each other pretty well that it can’t be a coincidence.
Geto understood him in ways others couldn’t. To have that gone, and knowing something was up but not being able to effectively communicate your concerns....ugh yeah it’s gutting. And Gojo likely kept all of that bottled up, too, especially bc he’s never experienced a relationship like that.
And what drives this home is that Geto was his moral compass. It makes their last meeting as teenagers so much more impactful. Geto, his moral compass, says Gojo can kill him if he wants. One of the most important decisions in Gojo’s life that Geto expects Gojo to make on his own is whether he should kill his best friend or not!1!!1 like what?!?1?1?1 so not only is his best friend gone, but Gojo’s possibly also wondering how much he’s at fault for causing that and whether he even made the right choice or not.
There’s so many other thoughts that subtly hint at how much this falling out affected Gojo (or this could be me obsessing over satosugu which yeah probs is)
Like in the LN, Gojo mentions that being a sorcerer also means feeing worse over time as you deal with more and more curses, this feeling enough to want him to get drunk when Nanami says it’s similar to getting an accumulation of curses within oneself. Gojo, who dislikes drinking, would considering getting drunk at this idea which is awfully similar to his best friend’s CT/literally has curses inside him
Or when he hears Getwo right before he’s captured by the prison realm. His face obviously looks shocked but also so young. Like he physically regressed back into his high school years as he remembered his memories with Geto
Anon I also made myself sad😭
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flower-in-the-ashes · 4 years
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Wife Whispers, An Open Love Letter: Relationship Stuff with Loki, Part I
Tuesday, 26 May 2020
Content warning for mentions of sexual and romantic relations.
Something that might come as a surprise is that as far as the marriage proposal, I actually asked Loki, and it came after other humans and gods brought up his feelings and desires about marriage, after what I now see are pretty damn obvious signs, and after we had...dated? courted? been bonded mates?...for two years already and had children together.
Let’s start from the beginning. We’ve known each other since 2014 or 2015, so 5-6 years now. I actually avoided talking to him when he showed up, and when I did finally let him in, I took an instant liking to him. I craved being around him. Our relationship wasn’t romantic or sexual for a long time (approximately about three years!). It was easy, though, because being with him was easy. He was so sweet, sincere, caring, and genuinely funny. He made me laugh, and no matter how dark my day was, he could make me smile. He protected me when no one else in my life did. He never made any efforts to frighten me or to force me to like him. He didn’t throw himself at me like certain other gods I could mention.
We started off as loose acquaintances, then as friends and people working toward the same goal—“coworker” feels wrong here, maybe comrades? I don’t know where or when along the way I developed Feelings™️ for him, but I did grow to love him. I’m not sure if I was oblivious to them being romantic, or if everything started off as platonic, but soon I was consumed by them. I absolutely adored him. But I stuffed those feelings down deep and convinced myself that he could only ever see me as some silly, stupid little kid with a crush. That he could never be interested in someone like me. But countless readings from others, including totally blind readings, and even hints from Loki himself, indicated otherwise. I still couldn’t believe it. I avoided him for over a month, refusing to see him or speak to him. I wasted a month of both our time running from the reality of my feelings and the fear of rejection.
But with gentle prodding from friends, and even from a nature spirit I met only once who decided to give me advice, I called him. He came instantly like he’d been waiting for me to pick up and dial him, so to speak. I still hid, sort of. I was so scared that I didn’t let him see me when I spoke to him, terrified that he’d laugh at me, mock me, or worse, leave, terrified I’d break the relationship we had, because I’d rather suffer in silence to save our friendship than ruin it and never see him again. I confessed to him there in the dark, whispering, covering my face in shame, waiting for him to walk out or to ridicule me.
He didn’t. Everything wasn’t magically fixed then, but it got us talking, and it allowed me to tentatively be honest with him. I wasn’t sure how I wanted to proceed after that. Even Loki wasn’t sure what he wanted out of a relationship at that point. We just knew that we wanted to start something. I knew how much I wanted him, and with communication open again, I knew how much he wanted me, too. I’m an empath, but I’d closed off our connection when I was avoiding him. With it open again, I felt his love and his lust both, and let me tell you, Loki’s lust will knock anyone off their feet no matter how well-grounded they are. As it was, those two driving emotions of his were infectious and magnified my own.
It still took me a little bit, took a few more readings and inquiries, even with that knowledge, because I simply didn’t know what to do. I’m not going to lie: our first time was awkward, but that’s what first times are for, really: learning and exploration. I was, for lack of a better terminology, the awkward virgin, since I’d never been with a god, and he held back. He held back a lot, and I could tell. Despite how open he usually was with me, he was partially closed off and much more restrained than usual. The second time was much better and we both enjoyed it a lot more, but he still held back. Looking back, I think it was some combination of not wanting to scare, overwhelm, or traumatize me, not knowing what I’d respond to or like, not knowing what my personal boundaries were, and not knowing the best way to avoid hurting me.
I’m going to be honest: as much as we loved (and still love!) each other, not all of our times together at that point in time (and sometimes now, too, lol) were what someone would call “making love.” Sometimes we really did just fuck like rabbits in heat, but sometimes, sometimes, as cheesy as it sounds, it really was making love, was magic—the latter of which (“making love”) I’d say happens with 99.99% of our encounters now—less often, but often more intense and lasting for longer, and usually emotion-filled. Regardless, Loki was...is...so passionate, and so tender. Right now there are weeks that might pass without us being intimate in that way (although we still hang out, chat, kiss, cuddle), but that first month I think we had sex almost every day, sometimes more than once a day. It’s no small wonder I ended up conceiving, especially with a) how potent Loki is (I found out my astral species is pretty potent too, oops) and b) the fact that we didn’t use any form of protection at all at first, and then when we did it clearly wasn’t strong enough for us.
Our first child developed quickly. I don’t know how long I’d been knocked-up when I noticed. I don’t know if Loki didn’t notice or didn’t say anything, but by then she was a pretty well-defined ball of energy, though not too developed. It was still a pretty early pregnancy. I may have slightly freaked out a bit, because I didn’t even know pregnancy was a possibility. I reached out to friends and acquaintances, and I did some digging of my own and reached out to strangers who’d talked about it. One person (who’s now an ex-friend) actually told me outright that she thought I should have an abortion, full stop, and that was her two-cents. The pregnancy was unexpected and unplanned, and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing or even a desire for children, but her forthrightness and immediately assuming that that’s what I should do or that that’s what I wanted shocked me. To be honest, the thought of aborting that then-fetus horrified me because of Loki’s history with losing children and family, and I didn’t want to contribute to his pain and grief. I explained this, and her response was essentially “fuck him, his feelings don’t matter in this.”
Which..I’m personally pro-choice, but I couldn’t imagine sitting Loki down and explaining how I’d terminated that little glowing orb we’d only just discovered together. I hadn’t even considered that as an option, and thinking of possibly making him cry or taking away another opportunity of parenthood for him killed me, and the callous way she told me to disregard him bothered me. I loved him, and I knew logically that he’d support my decision to do what was best for my body, no matter what that looked like, but I just...I couldn’t, you know? I looked at him and I couldn’t. So...I took in calmer sets of advice, and decided not to terminate. I had also, at that point, been neutrally told by a different someone with the experience of multiple pregnancies that if I did want to terminate, the earlier the better because it would be easier on my astral body and would be much less likely to damage me, same as for a non-astral abortion, really. It was also explained that I could just have Loki or a surrogate carry the pregnancy to term, or that I could use an incubator depending on my species, but the thought of me not being able to personally protect that little light filled me with irrational levels of panic and terror, so transferring them was out for me.
I kept her, I carried her, we moved on. Loki was there the day that I delivered her, which happened to be Samhain, and by gods...the look on his face when she looked at him for the first time. I’m glad I listened to my heart. I’m glad I could help bring that look on his face. Loki really does love each and every one of his children, and I knew then that I’d made the right decision for myself and my situation.
Loki’s an excellent parent. He really, really is, and he adores kids and is good with them. He stayed around a lot to help me that first little bit. I was so weak, and the babe and I needed so much energy. I couldn’t hunt for us in my state, both in my late pregnancy and after delivery, and Loki just...gods, he was amazing. He would bring back fresh meat, mostly rabbits and and fish, and he let me feed off of him directly (by this I mean syphon off energy or drink his blood, sometimes both), even when he was bone tired, because I needed it. I was feeding for two, because I had to sacrifice quantities of my own energy to gestate, then nurse, Ro. And he never complained, not once. We were so tired those days. Thankfully demigods and fae age differently than human babies, and we didn’t have to do that forever. I still have no idea how he and I survived my second pregnancy with our quintuplets when we were so exhausted caring for Ro during the first and in its aftermath. I guess it just goes to show how dedicated Loki is to his kids, and how patient and giving he is.
So three years passed during which we developed feelings and finally acknowledged them, then two years passed of us dating/courting/seeing each other/being intimate...and then I finally got the courage to propose, which is a story for another time (and, IMO, so is the other pregnancy) because I’ve taken up so much space in this post already.
I just want to finish by saying that I love Loki. I do. I really, really do. And I want him to be loved by as many people as possible. I want them to adore him as much as or more than I do. I never, ever want him to feel unloved or uncared for or not adored. He deserves good things, and he deserves peace.
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bigskydreaming · 4 years
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Was just reading a story set just before ADITF, about Jason finding out Catherine wasn’t his biological mother, and some thoughts came to mind based on something in it that’s reflective of a trend in a lot of similar stories. (Just FYI, this wasn’t a recent story or anything that’s been updated recently, its from years ago and a few hundred pages back in the Dick Grayson archive, and I’m mostly talking in general terms as usual).
And also to preface this, I think a lot of people who write stories that emphasize the following are just taking their cues from ADITF and how Jason reacted then and his train of thought in that story, the things he emphasized and prioritized in his thoughts and dialogue.....buuuuuut its always worth acknowledging that canon’s writers are pretty shit at writing the Batfamily’s dynamics with anything approach nuance at times.
So! All that said, just some things potentially worth thinking about if ever writing a fic about that storyline, that personally I think likely to give things more depth and do all the characters more justice in that situation than canon did....first and foremost being the fact that Jason, the character who finds out at the beginning of that story that Catherine is not his biological mother.....is at the time he finds this out.....already a child of adoption. By Bruce.
Which is to say.....even though Jason is only fifteen, at that point in time he’d been living with Bruce for at least three years, and we know that Bruce adopted him fairly early on. Most of the time Jason spent living with Bruce, he did so as Bruce’s adopted son. 
There’s a lot of focus in fandom on how Jason is a lot more sensitive and thoughtful than canon typically credits him as being, and that he was always a very bright and intelligent kid. So yes, while of course this was always going to be a shock for him, and of course its possible and even likely for him to have feelings of betrayal as he feels like he’s been lied to for most of his life, that this was kept from him, that Catherine kept this truth from him....its still not necessarily true or likely that meant Jason was going to react, say, the same way media often write this revelation being received by children who don’t have any experience with adoptive parents.
Because again, at this point in time, Jason has had about three years worth of time to experience life as Bruce’s adoptive son, and to do a lot of processing and thinking about just what that means to him. Such as whether or not being adopted makes Jason any less Bruce’s son than not being adopted makes any other kids he knows the children of their respective parents. 
And also, Jason spent all of those three years as an adoptive child who was adopted relatively later in his childhood, and he actually does have clear, vivid memories of his biological father to compare his life with Bruce to. Unlike kids who find out later in life that they were adopted at birth, but have absolutely no memories or awareness of life with anyone other than their adoptive parents. And thus they can’t feasibly do anything but wonder whether things might have been better or worse with different parents, like if they’d grown up with their biological parents.
Jason does have that point of comparison, enabling him to contrast how he feels with and towards Bruce as opposed to how he felt with and towards Willis....and so, IMO its pretty inevitable that this would likely come up for him at some point in the search for Sheila......because he already knows firsthand that the grass is not always greener on the biological side.
Like, although he and Bruce were definitely having issues at that particular point in time, which no doubt influenced and contributed to a lot of what Jason was feeling and how he was reacting.....the majority of those feelings were of hurt and betrayal at the wedge that had grown between he and Bruce since Garzonas’ death, that Bruce didn’t believe him when he insisted he hadn’t pushed him, etc.....but the point is not that he had those feelings, had those issues with Bruce at that particular time, the point is that he was hurt by Bruce’s distance....because he didn’t want that distance to exist. He wanted things between them to go back to the way they were before, he wanted Bruce to believe him. 
All of which says to me that no matter how angry he was at Bruce then and there, no matter how hurt he was feeling, etc.....that’s still a long ways away from lumping Bruce in the same category as Willis, because of all that.....the hurt about Bruce’s distrust and judgment, while still very much a real thing.....is not IMO remotely interchangeable with the hurt Jason felt due to his first father’s physical, emotional, and constant and willful abuse. 
(Yes, after Jason’s return, and the disaster that was the UTRH storyline and later interactions between he and Bruce, you can definitely make a lot better case for him linking Bruce with Willis in his mind, and its not like I’ve never drawn those parallels myself.....but fifteen year old Jason? I don’t for a second think his mind was going THERE, specifically, because he knew very well that he was hurting because of Bruce’s actions and why....but he also knew very well that feeling the loss of Bruce’s trust and easy camaraderie was not the same thing as having never felt like he’d had Willis’ trust or camaraderie or even love, period).
So again....that was not a good time for Bruce and Jason, compared to at least the first couple of years Jason spent as Bruce’s adoptive son......but none of that, to my mind, suggests that it ever even popped into Jason’s head that he’d been better off with Willis than with Bruce, just because Willis was Jason’s biological father. It never would have escaped Jason’s awareness that biology is no guarantee of love, and that finding out Catherine wasn’t his actual biological mother didn’t in any way guarantee that he’d have been better off growing up with an unknown, still as-yet-nameless biological mother he had no mental picture of.
Now, to be clear, I’m not suggesting that this should in any way impact Jason’s hopes for this biological mother he was searching for, that she would be a good mother, would actually love him, want him, actually be the kind of figure he wanted her to be from the moment he found out there was someone else to be found out there with a connection to him. All of that makes total sense, not trying to imply otherwise - 
No, the thing I don’t really click with is what all of this means for his feelings for Catherine, specifically. Being hurt or upset at her memory because he feels like she lied to him by never telling him she wasn’t his biological mother? Sure. But that too is not the same thing as an easy or quick dismissal of her as his mother in his thoughts or dialogue, the second he finds out she technically was his adopted mother all along, not his biological mother as he’d assumed. Jason usually has pretty complicated thoughts about Catherine over all, at least at most other times, and he should, I think. Its totally understandable. And he’s usually written as being a lot warmer and more charitable towards Catherine and her issues after his death and return....if for no other reason than because after how Sheila betrayed him, after realizing she’d never given a single shit that he was actually hers, biologically, its a lot easier for him to look back on his life with Catherine and think “well no matter how I might feel about how bad things were at times with her as my mother, at least I did feel like she’d cared about me, unlike Sheila. She could’ve been worse, Sheila proves that.”
But what I’m saying with all of this is personally, I feel that despite his young age, and despite his emotional turmoil and the complicated situation between him and Bruce at that time.....Jason still had a lot of time to put a lot of thought into what Bruce being his adoptive father meant in terms of whether or not that made him Jason’s father, in Jason’s own eyes. And what I think fics about this storyline could only ever benefit from, is just......not need him to meet and be betrayed by Sheila in order to realize that Catherine not being his biological mother didn’t actually mean she didn’t have a right to that title in his memories or while he was growing up with her. Because the second Jason starts down that train of thought, it begs the question - though the question hardly ever actually seems to come up - if Catherine was never really his biological mother and thus she was never ‘really’ his mother.....then what does that suggest about whether Bruce could ever really be his father?
And again - this isn’t to diminish the turmoil Jason was feeling towards and because of Bruce at that very specific point in time - but it does demand a bit of context to that line of thinking, I feel like. Because as I said....the issues Jason was having with Bruce were that he was hurt by Bruce’s distance, distance he wished wasn’t there. Those issues weren’t standing in the way of Jason coming to accept and view Bruce as his actual father, they weren’t evidence in support of the idea that they’d never truly be father and son and thus Jason should give up hoping for that........because Jason had already before this point viewed them as father and son. Its what I said previously about him having at least a couple of good years, extremely close years with Bruce, before these issues got between them.....and how Jason had always been smart, insightful, sensitive and a lot deeper than canon likes to credit him as being. Jason had already done his thinking on the matter of him and Bruce, probably starting from the day Bruce had even asked to adopt him. He’d already come to the conclusion that Bruce could in fact be his real father in every way that really mattered, despite not being his biological father....he’d already deemed that none of that actually mattered. 
So that question I raised, that is kinda of the logical extension of ‘well Catherine wasn’t my biological mother, so she wasn’t actually my mother’....just applied to Bruce in light of this new information as well......problem is......IMO, that question had already been asked and answered, in the matter of Jason’s view towards Bruce, when Bruce adopted him. This new information about Catherine doesn’t change the fact that Jason had already had that particular information about Bruce not being his biological father and that nothing was ever going to change that.....before Bruce even actually adopted him. That when Jason went into that particular situation with eyes wide open.....he did so already knowing that the only way that adoption was ever going to mean anything to him, to Bruce, to both of them, to mean he could truly consider Bruce his father from that moment on or accept or hell even just hope it meant Bruce truly viewed him as his son....the only way that worked at all.....was if Bruce’s biological parentage didn’t need to exist with him in order for his being Jason’s father to be real, and matter.
Bruce was only ever Jason’s father, because Jason had already put in the time and thought and knowledge that Bruce was never going to be his biological father......and he’d already arrived at the conclusion that the latter part didn’t matter. Didn’t change anything. Was not, and never would be, the necessary ingredient to make the two of them the father and son Jason hoped they could be - and were, for at least the first couple of years together. 
So the part that always makes me sit up and scratch my head kinda, its the sequencing of the equation “Jason discovers new information about Catherine not being his biological mother - makes him doubt or feel that this makes her less his mother than he’d always assumed and believed to be true = [rarely examined conclusion] thus suggesting Bruce can never truly be his father because Bruce is not his biological father.”
That train of thought doesn’t follow for me, because the first two parts of it lead to a conclusion that’s entirely different from the conclusion Jason already reached when years before, he solved for “Jason is asked by Bruce to be adopted as Bruce’s son  - knowing he is not and never will be biologically Bruce’s child = [previously decided conclusion] Jason says yes and accepts and views Bruce as truly his father anyway, because the biological component is not necessary in order to do so.”
Now, in all fairness - nobody is ever 100% rational about these sort of things, even when they’re not teenagers, and let alone when they’re in the midst of a lot of emotional turmoil specifically geared around feeling distance growing between them and their parent. Like Jason was feeling about his and Bruce’s relationship and was the very thing that led him to go back to his old apartment looking to feel more of a connection to his previous family because he was feeling less connected as family to Bruce at that very time.
It would be totally fair and realistic IMO for all of this new information and the intensity of Jason’s search for his previously unknown biological mother, to be directly connected to him having doubts as to whether or not he and Bruce were truly father and son....but not ‘and whether or not they ever could be’.....but ‘and whether or not they ever had been, or if he’d just fooling himself that a biological connection wasn’t necessary and didn’t matter.’
All of this contributing to Jason second-guessing whether his and Bruce’s bond had ever truly been real, had ever truly been that of parent and child....yeah, that makes sense. The math adds up for me on that.
But again - its the sequencing that’s the issue, specifically. Second-guessing whether the conclusion he’d previously held about the two of them....requires first acknowledging that a conclusion had been drawn in the first place.
And that’s the part that’s missing for me, from a lot of stories and headcanons and even the actual canon issues themselves, when it comes to this particular point in time.
The connection to Bruce, and his place in all of this specifically. Not just in being the reason Jason’s driven so frenetically in pursuit of other connections and the biological mother he learns might be out there for him still.....but also existing as proof that while Jason might never have expected to explore this line of thinking in regards to Catherine.....he very much had already explored it well before he even found a reason to do so with Catherine. 
And that while he might currently be experiencing doubts or second thoughts about the conclusions he’d drawn when he’d gone down that road before....the fact remains that he had still gone down that road before.
And that still is very much relevant here, to my mind.
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fma2003-fmab-stuff · 5 years
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I could see Envy having Borderline Personality Disorder, honestly, rather than Ed. I think someone did a post on that.
Well, I mainly said I could see Ed with it in 2003, not as much in Brotherhood. But since you mention Envy, both Ed and Envy have severe abandonment issues and hate Hohenheim more than Al. Forgive me if this is illegible, it’s past midnight and I should be in bed right now. But I’m going to try to explain this the best I can while putting in some of my own experiences. But I honestly, as somebody who actually has Borderline Personality disorder, I relate heavily to Ed in many ways.Since there has indeed been a post devoted to Envy about this, I will do one for Ed, by going over the 9 symptoms.  Al definitely inhibits some of these traits too, but this is about Ed, so the focus will be solely on him.Borderline Personality Disorder often forms due to lack of stable parenting and unstable family situations(At least mine certainly did). Think about it, Ed lost his mother at an early age and his father abandoned him at an even earlier age, something he has deeply resented and held onto for years ever since he was a child, on top of learning that Winry’s parents, who were also like family to him as well, were killed in the war. The majority of the closest people he had in his life either turned their back on him or died. And believe me, this crap can seriously screw up a child. (This is coming from somebody whose dad was rarely ever around and died when I was literally 9. due to my lack of father and father figure in my life, and my over-half-the-time-unsupportive-mother alongside the unstable family situation and fighting(don’t get me wrong, I love my mother and grandmother as well as my brother and sister and wouldn’t want to lose them under any circumstances, but the whole family situation was just crazy). I have huge issues with growing attached to people, yet other times I grow TOO attached, and trust me, it’s hell.) So to start off, I’ll point out this scene that takes place before Trisha dies and before he finds out Winry’s parents died.
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I feel this a lot. I don’t remember my dad all that well, and I certainly don’t really know what to think of him in the end. (Additionally, I recently found out some really bad things about him and his criminal record and I honestly don’t know what to feel. I feel kind of conflicted but I don’t really think much of it in the end. More so, despite the trouble and conflicts I have with my mom (which honestly sometimes reminds me of Envy’s situation with Dante at times), I still love her very much and I can tell that she has suffered a lot because of the men that have been in her life, my dad included and honestly, I always find myself wishing that she could just find happiness. Ed feels much the same with just wanting his mom to be happy. However, I refUSE to believe that that is all Ed cared about. There’s no way he never once wondered “How different could things have turned out if my father hadn’t left?” or “Because of him leaving, me and Al had to live and grow up without a father.” or “I wish he was around to be there for us” because those are pretty much my own thoughts every single day. I blame his absence in my own life for how I turned out and why I often feel so lonely and out of place despite being surrounded by so many people who care, and why I have so many issues with those around me, why I have trouble trusting others and building NORMAL, stable and healthy relationships.
Trisha isn’t the only one that was suffering, Ed was too. He had to look after Al and take on a much heavier role than he should have had to at his age because of Hohenheim’s abandonment. And when you think about it, Ed’s words to Rose  (who also had no parents around btw and was barely older than him) may have seemed harsh at the time, but Ed was saying that to her that from his own experience. And maybe it’s contributed to by my autism as well, but personally, comforting people is not something I am qualified to do in any way shape or form. And Ed is not good at consoling people, just as he isn’t good at outsourcing either, both of which can be caused by, once again, an unstable upbringing.
With all of that said, I should get to the criteria to qualify as Borderline Personality Disorder:
-  Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.
In 2003, because Al is one of the only constants in his life that was with him through his mother’s death, and everything else Ed has been through, Ed has an almost codependent attachment level to Al to the point, he didn’t even want to live without him in the end of the series, which was why Ed did what he did. And even when Al chooses to go spend the night with Hohenheim instead of Ed... You can see the look of betrayal in Ed’s face.
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This constant loss and fear of abandonment, though, is yet another reason that Nina’s death seems to hit Ed even harder than Al. Given that she had become like a sister to him. Another thing that often happens is that people with BPD will often put themselves in situations or relationships or bonds that will inevitably cause the person to relive betrayal, loss, or 
- Unstable relationships
Ever noticed how rocky the bond between Ed and Roy is and how much conflict they have? Or how Ed will go from decently respecting Roy or not minding him and getting along with him to absolutely hating his guts within an instant, how sometimes there is no in between? (Which actually reminds me so much of the rocky “love hate” thing I had for one of my teachers, I really hated her a lot of times, but other times, I admired her as much as I resented it, I really couldn’t get a genuine grip on what I felt towards her a lot of times and I often thought she was just intentionally trying to piss me off, whether or not she actually was).  What about how Ed growing attached to Izumi as a sort of surrogate mother figure, who was dying from her condition just like Trisha had slowly died from her condition? Half the relationships Ed ends up building becomes tragic in the end. And then there’s Hughes, who was obviously meant to be a father figure to Ed and Al. And honestly that’s something else I’d like to bring up. Once again, due to the lack of stable parents in my life, I often try to find father figures and mother figures in people who I like even when it’s inappropriate (embarrassingly enough that teacher I said I hated? Kind of like how Roy is a parental figure to Ed? Or how important Hughes was to Ed and Al.). This is even hinted at with not only Izumi, but also Ross, when she hugs him and he says this: 
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In my own case, I look to others to replace what I’ve lost in my life or never had the chance to have. And parental figures is a big one for Ed whether or not the show outright says it or not (although Izumi herself does outright say that she doesn’t want to lose anymore of her “babies” while thinking about Ed and Al, and she literally looked after Ed and Al for a fair amount of their childhood, so I think it’s pretty obvious they see her the same.) And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that practically every significant older female and even some males Ed meets becomes like a parental figure to him. (Ross, Izumi, Pinako, Roy and even Riza to some extent, but in more of a distant way in 2003.)
- Unclear or shifting self-image
Ed’s image on himself tends to be unstable, but a lot of that is also from guilt he feels over Al, and those feelings only become worse when Nina dies and even further when he realizes what he created(Sloth), not to mention the state of Lior, as well as blaming himself when he finds out from Sheska that Hughes died. Even though Ed acts cocky sometimes, it’s clear he’s holding back so much lot of self-blame and guilt and it’s heartbreaking. He probably feels he doesn’t even deserve a home to go back to after Al ended up in that body. And there’s no telling how guilty he felt over Winry getting kidnapped. Many even speculate that that event is what causes Ed to begin to shut her out as much as he does.
Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors.
While I don’t have too much to say on this, it weren’t for Al, Ed would have probably done something really stupid by now. Al is usually always the more rational one, while Ed is the one getting into fights, getting himself nearly killed on multiple occasions, getting his automail broken, and constantly ending up in the hospital. I could go on longer, but I don’t think it’s really necessary though, because we all know: He’s EDWARD ELRIC. We don’t even have to talk about how he tried to sacrifice himself twice for Al’s sake(of course that is kind of a brotherly thing and Ed being Ed I guess, but Al clearly wasn’t happy about it in the slightest. He nor Winry is happy about how impulsive Ed is sometimes, Ross DEFINITELY wasn’t)
Self-harm
It can’t really be said that this one applies to Ed in canon so I won’t discuss that one (although if anybody wants to say anything on it, feel free) (btw I heard that Russel had self-harmed in the novels, but I didn’t see anything about it even in past tense, so if somebody could clarify what that refers to or where it’s brought up, I’d greatly appreciate it)
- Extreme emotional swings
This is a symptom that many people confuse for Bipolar Disorder’s mood swings, and I definitely think it should be cleared up. So with Borderline Personality Disorder the mood swings are usually always caused by something and literally anything can set them off. Ever notice how intense Ed’s emotional reactions are vs Al who is usually the calmer of the two and tries to get Ed to calm down. In fact Ed is probably the most emotional character on the entire show imo. But unlike Bipolar, where the mood swings have to last at least several weeks and is more of a chemical imbalance thing, while the mood swings associated with Borderline can be momentary at least to even hours or more. Ed’s hateful and loud remarks towards Hohenheim, for  strikes me as Borderline. Because, for the majority of the series, Ed can’t let go of his hate. 
- Chronic feelings of emptiness.
I’m not gonna say too much on this, but Ed does indeed seem to experience a lot of hopelessness and depressive symptoms at points (even when he told Izumi he couldn’t bring himself to cry). 
- Explosive anger
Yeah, I dEFIniTELY don’t need to talk about that last one because it’s just wayyyy to obvious. Ed has a pretty damn SHORT temper. And even more so with Roy, Hohneheim and even Al at times. Things upset him and he sometimes takes it out on those around him.
-   Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. 
And that one goes more into paranoia, which I don’t have too much to say on except maybe(?) in Ed’s obvious cynicism and how negative and pessimistic he is at times, while Al often is the more optimistic one? But that doesn’t really go into that last one, even though it is something I myself deal with personally due to BPD.
One other symptom is black and white thinking: People are either on Ed’s side or against him, and Ed’s disliking of Clara/Psiren(who had lied to him and Al and betrayed their trust) vs Al’s open mindedness to the situation is an example of this, as well as Ed’s utter dehumanization of the homunculi at first. but this is something Ed largely overcomes by the end of the series. ALSO EQUIVALENT EXCHANGE IS A BIG BLACK AND WHITE THING, but that could also be seen more as an autistic thing (which I will maybe have an eventual autistic Ed post where I will go into more depth about that on there) so I guess I will leave that off for right now.
HOWEVER, Jupiter, since you did bring up Envy, I think that, once again, Envy has even deeper rooted symptoms. But unlike Edward, Envy never had a support network, which is why Ed is eventually able to put aside his hate for Hohneheim, while Envy never could. Envy is a character that is built as a foil or reflection for Ed. Envy is what Ed could have become had his hate been allowed to fester, if he hadn’t had moral support like Alphonse around. This is ESPECIALLY true specifically in 2003 since Ed is much darker and more morally gray by the end. Both Ed and Envy have BPD traits, but Edward didn’t let them consume him in the end. Envy did and that’s really the only difference here. Ed’s were more controlled while Envy’s were encouraged and breeded by Dante.
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geraltcirilla · 5 years
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"this obsession that is has to be jon or gendry who love sansa doesnt make sense to me" i think this obsession is born from the fact that there are very few decent and handsome men of Sansa's age around lol - at least none that i can remember. people have also paired her with dickon tarly and podrick, which i admit are nice options.
I do think that’s a huge contributing factor to this. Just look at Sansa’s paired canon love interest: 
Tyrion - A much older man she was forced into a marriage with WHILE his family’s political prisoner. A family that executed her father and killed her mother and brother.
Sandor - A much old man who is cruel, rude, and abusive. One of the “romantic” scenes between her and him is literally him holding a knife to her throat and forcing her to sing as she cries and then blacks out, and she was so traumatized her brain changed the encounter to him kissing her.
Petyr - A much older man and pedophile grooming her to be his child bride. Also emotionally manipulative and abusive, he consistently gaslights her. And is responsible for manipulating the events that killed both her parents.
Joffrey - Physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. Is always 3 seconds away from killing Sansa at any given moment.
Ramsay - Her rapist. Abuser. Absolute monster.
I don’t have much sympathy for people shipping Sansa and Gendry because that’s just…. kinda spiteful IMO since Gendry is blatantly Arya’s love interest. 
That being said I do have a lot of sympathy for people who ship Jonsa. Imaging watching 6 seasons of men just being the ABSOLUTE worse to Sansa, and then Jon shows up and he treats her with dignity and respect, he protects her, he never sexualizes her or takes advantage of her, and he’s just overall selflessly kind to her. Then adding on the factors that he’s biologically her cousin (which in ASOIAF isn’t even really considered incest) and they weren’t close as children so they don’t extremely view one another as “brother and sister” like Jon might see Arya, Robb or Bran… I understand where the shipping logic lies in that.
Sansa stans have almost no viable options for her that aren’t blatantly pedophilic with abusive undertones. Maybe Margaery but Sansa has now been permanently torn from her, they likely won’t meet again, and it’s unlikely GRRM was ever writing them as love interests to begin with.
I get it. I don’t ship it myself but I’m not about to sit here on a high horse and act like I don’t understand why other people DO. Like you said it’s the same logic of shipping her with Podrick or Dickon. “Wow, two appropriate men in her general vicinity who wouldn’t rape her”. That’s the qualifications we be looking for on resumes now.
Honestly on a random side note Podsa would have been SO ABSOLUTELY CUTE and wouldn’t have even been absurd or unreasonable. Pod is from a noble house, he’s a knight, and he was Brienne’s squire so he spent a lot of time around Sansa. It could have made a lot of sense for them to come together in some capacity. Also at least in show-verse I think Theon was a genuine contender for love interest. I do feel his last few episodes alive they writers were heavy-handed with the romantic undertones with Theonsa, and they weren’t afraid to go there because they knew Theon was gonna die so they didn’t need to worry about “well what if Sansa wanted to marry him”, because they took away her choice.
It just kinda fucking sucks Sansa ended the series completely alone when she coulda have Pod or Theon by her side. I’ve definitely talked myself into a circle here and lost sight of what the point was.
I agree with you.
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theambivalent · 5 years
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Q & A
Recently I asked people in my IG story to submit Questions for a blog post. I had some interesting questions regarding veganism, comics and shows. 
Here are my answers 🙂  
Why are your IG stories getting more ‘vegan aggressive’?
So, before I went vegan, I used to hate vegans who were vocal, although I was never confronted personally by them... which, looking back now, I think was unfair. The mere notion of veganism was annoying because why? Because people were spreading memes about vegans who constantly announce they’re vegan? Even though I personally never witnessed that? Or... maybe because that was the thing that everyone does – single out the one that is different... I mean, I made absolutely no sense.  
I told myself when I first made the decision to go vegan, I'm not going to be the one everyone makes fun of. I hid my diet from my co-workers, and intentionally tried my hardest to NOT be vocal about it. And you know what? The second anyone found out about it, I was still criticized. ...STILL.
I didn’t realize how much vegans get criticized until I became one and people noticed it.  
I was constantly told...
If I happened to be tired one day –It's because I’m vegan, rather than my lack of caffeine
If my head ached – it's because I’m vegan, rather than being dehydrated
When I noticed a gray hair –because I'm vegan –like age has nothing to do with it?
So finally, I decided to not only confront those people who were putting me down because of my lifestyle, I started standing against them. I’m not picking fights with random people. I always show respect to those who respect me. However, when people are trying to back me into a corner, I will fight back, as anyone else would.  
I'm defending myself from those who criticize my life, and that’s something that I've never been confident enough to do until recently, because I've just always had social anxiety.  
In some occasions, I speak out against influencers who are making it seem like veganism is unhealthy for their own benefit – not to start drama – but because I feel it’s really hurting the movement and that could be disastrous for animal liberation. I really don’t draw my claws out unless I sense hostility.  
Otherwise, I'm a humble person, who understands that not everyone can see past the constant advertisements, posters, magazine ads and billboards that glorify the meat & dairy industry, and are shoved in our faces on a daily basis... after all, they are literally every-fucking-where … and I was once under that thrall myself because of that. So, I can sympathize.  
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Do you prefer Beyond Burger or Impossible Burger?
Without hesitation I would choose Beyond Burger.
When I first tried both burger patties, I got a bit weirded out, because their texture, taste, and even the way it ‘bleeds’ just tastes and feels like real meat- it's kind of scary... for that reason, I don’t eat burgers too often.  
But overall, I love the thickness of the patty, taste and texture of Beyond Burgers way better.
I don’t really consider Impossible Burger to be vegan - I only consider it plant-based.  
Now, what the hell does that mean?  
It is Plant based because there are no animal products in it... But I don’t consider them cruelty free, or vegan, because they do test on animals when there’s absolutely no need to. Animal testing = Animal torture. They have verbally stated that they’re catering to the meat-eating population and have served actual dairy based cheeses with their product while lying about it. [see link here for details: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zoibL0mtkk ]
I do believe that [Impossible Foods] are trying to do a genuinely good thing by introducing a plant-based food to meat eaters, I just can’t take a bite out of an impossible burger now, without the thought in the back of my head of lab rats being exploited just so I can eat this. I have no problem with those who eat their products, that’s just how I personally feel.
That being said, even before Impossible foods changed their policy to include animal testing, I still considered Beyond Burger to be the better of the two, again due to the patty thickness and overall taste.
As a possible alternative, I hear the brand LIGHTLIFE is introducing burger patties too, so that’s another option for people who like the ‘realistic’ burger patties.
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How do you feel about the comment that pesticides/herbicides and the plant harvesting machines kill small animals and therefore a plant-based diet still kills animals?
So, the thing about veganism is that less animals die as a result of that lifestyle change. So, allow me to yeild the question...What’s worse? Your standard American diet that contributes to billions upon billions of animals being raped, slaughtered, skinned & exploited for our fashion and taste buds...? ...or a plant based vegan diet where a few small animals and insects might be harmed by pesticides?  On the other hand a large percentage of the crops being grown are meant to feed the animals being sent to slaughter, so I really don’t see how this evens the odds here.
Of course, if there were a way to do this without harming even a fly, any vegan would opt for that option – and should that option arise, trust me, I –and most vegans- will make that change. But I personally think that using that to ‘refute’ the lifestyle- which some people do- is ridiculous & idiotic.
I’ve recently started growing my own strawberries, broccoli, limes, peppers and asparagus to take those items off my grocery list, and imo, they taste way better, and are not treated with pesticides. That only knocks a tiny percentage off my menu items list though...
Since my yard size is quaint & small, it’s not practical for me to create an entire home farm to feed myself when I can just go to the grocery store.  
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How do you feel about the “ex-vegan" youtubers?
I think it’s very upsetting to have viewers being lied to by their influencers- some of whom stopped being vegan a long time ago, and lied about it for financial gain. It is disrupting the growth in the movement.
Most of these ‘ex-vegans’ have similar things in common:  
raw diets -a dangerous practice-  
Vegan for extreme weight-loss
alkaline water every single day
Juice detoxes for unreasonable amount of time
Did not take medication for gut health, then blamed said ailment on veganism
Water fasting for weeks at a time – with no food at all
Didn't consume enough calories
NONE of their videos talk about doing it for Animals
Over-restricted themselves, often only eating one thing, like papaya for example, for days at a time
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The main issue here, is they weren’t eating well, and as a result got sick.  
To be clear... you can get sick from ANY DIET if you’re not getting the nutrients you need.  
Meat eaters, vegans, vegetarians, ... seriously whatever your diet may be– make sure you get the nutrients you need!
But the issue here is that they didn’t take responsibility for spreading the ‘weight-loss propaganda’ and pseudo medicine practices that got them sick in the first place, lied about not feeling well for the sake of their businesses, then proceeded to take money from people buying their programs... while they were feeling sick and potentially making other people sick! ...And none of them have given any refunds for their “meal plans”.
From the veganism movement point of view, the fact that they’re blaming everything on veganism, rather than their dangerous nutrient-lacking practices, is turning every one they’ve influenced away from veganism.  
Most of their influencers who genuinely wanted to go vegan for animals who could have gotten sick from these disgusting practices, are not only having failing health, but also feel helpless that they couldn’t do what they intended for animal liberation... and that’s very disappointing and makes me sad.
Vegan zombie made a video that shares my sentiments.  
See it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sK_pySNNFK0
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Adding to that, how do you feel about the Raw Alignment Interview video?
So, the funny thing about this video is that she got caught in a lie... and she used this interview to sort of justify that lie, and then proceeds to reveal that she was lying some more.  
check these comments below:
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First, she says she stopped being plant-based 3 months prior, then 7 months (September). Another youtuber actually has proof that she messaged her asking about doing less vegan videos on her channel 2 years ago....??? Which she actually denies in this interview. Huh?  ...and then she admits she lied to a fellow vegan because she wasn’t ready to be ‘outed’? ..what?
I still feel left in the dark, and there are way too many contradictions in this video.  What she wanted to be a ‘redemption’ video turned into a sloppy attempt to hide more lies.
On top of that - the guy conducting the interview, claims to be a moderator, and yet is also an ex-vegan who believes that all vegans have digestive issues and are masking it to promote the movement.... um... huh? it’s completely one-sided.
The problem I have with this, is she’s justifying the practice of lying to her audience. IMO, that’s not fair to her audience, whether it has to do with veganism or not, because thousands of her followers were following her advice of only eating avocado with chips for a week straight or water fasting... she’s making people sick... and getting paid for it. It is very upsetting... I hate it when people lie, even more so when the health of other people are at risk.  
See interview video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcV4rUhitPI&t=1052s
What would you tell people who are afraid of going plant-based because of this “ex-vegan" drama?
I would say, do your research! Don’t follow just anyone on YouTube and blindly do as they say. You'll notice most of these fake influencers will tell you to eat one way because it ‘feels good’ rather than saying, ‘hey, this study from world health org proved this is good for you’.
I would also say, don’t be afraid! It's been proven so many times that plant-based foods are healthier and promote optimum health. The CDC, and the WHO have consistently found that meat, dairy and eggs contribute to high cholesterol, diabetes, & heart disease. Meanwhile, a vegan diet includes zero cholesterol, and has been shown to reverse heart disease!
I think a great YouTube channel to look out for is Gojiman because he’s got the nutrition education to give advice and is great at explaining why’s and the how’s. See his channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8zKmTVcs5s3IIR2DVlxfzA/videos
Also, when keeping in mind which influencers to follow – pay attention to the ones who talk about the animals. The ones that aren’t vegan mainly for health/weight-loss, tend to promote a way of eating that contains more daily nutrients and calorie intake. It's just a trend I’ve noticed.
Also, I have a lovely playlist of reactions, recipes, and detailed information on the lifestyle you can check out here:  
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLcJhPHQwnc_pcg0yQn2rMKPxAMcRLx4BR
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Do you have family/friends who aren’t vegan? And how do you deal with them?
Yes! Lots! Haha; and I don’t really ‘deal with them’ in any way.  
They are aware that my husband and I are vegan, and they do joke about it.  
We take no offense, and usually they lay off when we don’t give a reaction.  
I have had talks with my parents about introducing more plants into their diets because they’re getting older and are trying to be healthier, but I don’t over-impose anything on them. I take vegan foods and they at least try them, which is awesome! They’re my family and I'll always care about them no matter what they eat.
When we have parties with friends, I usually bring something vegan, and they’ll try it and most of the time will love it and go back for seconds.  
It's actually not uncommon for vegans to have family and friends who are not vegan.  
So long as there is mutual respect for one another (at least vocally lol), we all get along quite nicely.  
I honestly don’t think I've met a real vegan who doesn’t genuinely care about someone who eats meat.
We're really not a judgmental bunch - I think that’s one of the things people assume about vegans, and it’s completely untrue.  
What is your favorite healthy meal???
Healthy meal... I love Buddha bowls! They're so easy to make and you can make several variations.
My fave Buddha bowl would consist of roasted Sweet potato wedges, quinoa with lime & hot sauce, sautéed edamame, and grilled kale with avocado ….and a sh*t ton of sriracha.  
It’s super filling and is a good source of iron, protein, potassium, magnesium, niacin, folate, lutein, beta-carotene, B vitamins, Vitamin A, B6, E, C, K, Calcium, riboflavin, phosphorus, and Omega 3 fatty acids.  
No joke- it contains all those nutrients, I just looked it up! 
The best thing is that you can make so many different versions of the Buddha Bowl, and I change it up every time!
I never opt for organic foods or gluten free... I just don’t really feel it making a difference in my body, or taste, so why not go for the more affordable items?
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What is your favorite vegan junk food?
Pizza – hands down! Although I could order that in, I still love making it from scratch at home - I just love knowing exactly how much of what is going into it.  
We usually do plain cheese using ‘Follow Your Heart’ Parmesan, which melts really well, but every so often, I'll endulge and get some vegan pepperoni from the market.
My husband loves sweets, and I love savory... so, while my fave junk foods include vegan burgers, pizza, corn dogs, hot dogs, tamales, veg jerky.... his favorites include vegan donuts, cinnamon rolls, cakes, and pan dulce.
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Do you miss any food since going vegan?
There is honestly a vegan version of anything these days... I'd have to say there isn’t anything I miss.
I've had vegan tamales, pozole, tacos, birria, bolillos, pan dulce, elotes and so much more (yes, I'm mexican- can you tell?).
The only thing I was missing for a while were hot cheetos, but last year I discovered a brand called ‘peatos’ which doesn’t exclusively make vegan chips, but their fiery hot flavor is vegan and fill the void it my heart that cheetos left …. so no. I'm not missing anything at all.
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What’s your all-time favorite batman comic story arc?
Okay, so this is a complicated question... one of my top faves is ‘The Long Halloween’ because of the ending.  
Who knew Barbara Gordon could be so evil at a time when the Gotham series wasn’t out yet? That twist gets me everytime I re-read it!
I could easily say I love Crisis on Infinite Earths, Batman Hush, Death in the family, Superman Red Son, Under the Red Hood.... seriously my list is pretty long... but, I have to be completely me honest and some might hate me for saying this, but I actually do love the Flashpoint story arc. 
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Flashpoint is kind of a touchy subject because it brought about the new 52 issues that divided some fans.  
But when you isolate the story of Flashpoint, it really gets insane, I mean, it wasn’t just thrown together for the sake of rebooting the universe. Barry Allen had a reason to try to change the past – his love for his mother.  
It sets off a course of events that creates an alternate reality where Bruce Wayne actually dies in the alley with his Mother and His Father, Thomas Wayne was the sole survivor of the mugging, leaving him to be an older, vengeful, blood-thirsty, gun-slinging Batman... and it’s just a nice contrast to the Batman we’ve always seen.  
Sure, take the costume away, and he’s basically the Punisher, but what makes this different, is that we don’t see Batman under that light very often.
Tie in the Amazon war against Atlantis and ...omg, does the drama ensue!  
Plus, that touching letter that Thomas writes to his son, that Bruce gets to read at the end …*cry* it’s so sweet! 
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How are you liking the Titans & Doom Patrol series?  
So just so you know, DC Universe online is SO WORTH IT if you are into classic shows/movies and love to read comics – they have a huge collection you can read at your leisure. And the new series that they’re producing are all looking amazing!  
Okay, back to the shows....
I’m going to jump on Titans first...
BEAST BOY
OMG, they mention veganism with Beast Boy! Way to represent! Beast Boy has been a favorite of mine ever since the original teen titans animated series ...I’m going to be honest and admit here that I haven’t read any of the Titans comics before watching that series.  
I love his inclusion in the Doom Patrol. He is well written, with the exception of only being able to turn into a tiger for some reason? I’m hoping that in later seasons, he’ll somehow harness the power to change into tons of other animals as he does in every other incarnation of the character. It’s also weird that he’s not always green...? But appearance isn’t as important as his development. We see his struggles with his powers, especially when he kills someone as a tiger, and how he copes with that. His relationship with Raven feels authentic and for some reason not at all creepy, even though she looks like she’s 10 years younger than him. 
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RAVEN
Raven is a bit of a different story, she dwelled further from the comics than usual... not knowing that she is part demon or who her father is, and not having the knowledge of where she’s from is different than the Raven stories that we’re used to... so it takes a while to get used to that idea – not to say that the show fails... but it’s a bit difficult to retrain your brain with these things sometimes. She seems exceedingly whiny at first, until I realized she’s just a teenager, and teenagers, let’s just face, can be very whiny indeed. We’re so used to seeing her as a ‘hardened’ persona; monotone and serious. This show, it feels like they just grabbed a normal girl and put makeup and a wig on her ...and- voila! She's Raven. It’s out of character, but for the sake of the storyline, it actually somehow works. 
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ROBIN
Robin shows a fairly dark side that I think we’ve only seen in comics thus far; he is trying to prove himself capable of going solo and as a result tries to disassociate himself from Batman, stating that he doesn’t want to get to the tipping point that he believes Bruce has. I love his history with Dove and the struggle to strive to the best while keeping his head down. I like that he gets to see vigilantes from the cops’ point of views when they put down the idea of Robin coming into their neighborhood. He's a lot more well-rounded here with a bit more history, too. Not only are the Flying Graysons part of his story, but his love life and relationship with Batman play a vital role in his development.  
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STARFIRE
At first glance of Star Fire, I had mixed reactions... “I hate that costume”, “why is she wearing fur?”, “why is her skin not orange?” ...and yes, some of that still kinda-sorta bothers me, but little by little, they’re bringing more of her backstory to light as the season progresses, and she ended up being one of my favorite characters.
I still think she should be able to fly, and I do miss how disconnected she is with human culture in other renditions of the character. But once again, this show makes it work, and I love it! 
Also, it looks like next season will give us a more comic-book inspired look to Starfire - so I can’t wait to see how that will turn out.
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CYBORG
Why TF isn’t Cyborg in this?!
Oh... he’s in Doom Patrol?! 
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So DOOM PATROL, is an interesting series... it’s weird, and just so random, and I actually really love it!
Anything that brings more of the lesser known comic characters will always be something I'd be interested in.
But the fact that this show is just as ridiculous as the comics, I think, is amazing.  
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I mean, they gave us a donkey is being used as a portal...  go in the donkey’s mouth, and out his butt?  
A bunch of bad guys made of  dead skin and letters that were never sent...
Using beads dipped in sriracha for a protection spell...
You can’t get more ridiculous that that! This is typically something you only see in comic books and I love that it’s something that they don’t worry about making more realistic on this show, and that’s something that most show runners don’t take a risk in doing.
I can’t really dwell too much on this because I am not completely caught up with the show... but I definitely will be soon!
TITANS & DOOM PATROL – both great shows worth watching!
How excited are you for the JOKER movie?
I don’t think I could possibly be more excited. Joaquin Phoenix is an amazing actor (and vegan)!  
From the trailer it looks like they might be going with the Joker origin story from ‘The Killing Joke’?
However, I think it will purely be based on the development of the joker because it doesn’t look like they’re going to fast forward to the future where he shoots batgirl (and maybe rapes her?) and kidnaps Jim Gordon, and tries to make him break down.... at least nothing relating to that appeared on the trailer, but I guess we’ll have to wait until October to see.
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What shows are you watching right now?
Other than Doom Patrol?
On HBO, I watch Veep & Barry and  ...in about a week, I'll be watching Game of Thrones – the anticipation is KILLING me!
On Netflix... I’ve seen part one of the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina ...I love the satanic visuals- so cool! Will be watching Part 2 soon.  
I also love the Punisher series, but we all know that’s not renewed – but it’s fun to re-watch.  
LOVE DEATH & ROBOTS is a great one that has beautiful animation and well, written short stories. 
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I often go and re-watch ‘the office’ and the series ‘you’ as well.
Spanish shows I like include ‘Club de Cuervos’ & ‘Diablero’ 
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Any new comics recommendations?
Border Town! Omg, I love it!  
Not going to explain... just go read it! ...you’ll see!  
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I love writing reactions and answers to questions.
Thanks to those who contributed their questions on IG  
~Ambivalent Thought
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Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Montenegro to Eurovision with 6 young souls
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(this is a pre-vamp review so take this whole thing as “something I wanted to publish but my schedule was withholding until it was specifically time for them to be reviewed”, therefore, this is a bit of a retrospective review. Will tackle on its revamp later!)
Montevizija, which finally has an official Twitter account (we all should forget the times some dude named Vasilije pretended to having made one), offered us another batch of 5 songs for another year, actually revealing all of them beforehand this time and not just the snippets! Joy to the world I guess.
You gotta love Montevizija for it being the most underrated ex-Yugoslavian national final btw. Granted, it only lasted for 2 editions as of now, and it will take years to grow bigger as a thing, but so far, for us the NFs that are ingrained to our brains more are Dora, EMA and Beovizija (and even Skopje Fest when THAT was used to pick an act and not just served as a festival like it originally was meant to be), therefore Montevizija seems more shunned. But what do you expect when the lineup of 5 for two years in a row is not exactly as stellar as hoped for? Well, there are gems here and there, but they haven’t really won on either years (or at least not on the 2nd year if you call Vanja’s song a gem too), and yet somehow they find someone who call them great. But for me this Montenegrin entry is not. :L
And who is up there to be colossally blamed for its existence? None other than this group of 6 refering to themselves as D mol (with “mol” decapitalized for whatever reason... they used to have hyphen separating the ‘D’ and ‘mol’, but now they scrapped it altogether, an anime death I’ll never forget). Worth noting that I, as a 19 year old, have this particularly ugly feeling I must get rid of, and that’s the one of “feeling old”, already at my age. And this is how I felt seeing that the band whose song I am not fond of today is made up by members that are of 16-17 to 21-ish years old!!! So my heart insists that I shouldn’t go too hard on these poor younglings, even if this is just me, currently tackling the brethren of my age. Prepare as I’ll go to shred their composition they’re going to Tel Aviv with, “Heaven”, to bits.
Although, what I call “shredding to bits” is merely just nitpicking the reasons the original version (keep bearing in mind that I haven’t heard the revamp yet) sucks imo, and idk, the new “Heaven” miiiiiiight just grow on me, but I heavily doubt about it because I never cared for it in the first place (youhouuu, they were my last in Montevizija ‘19 for a reason), and I’m rather looking forward for the new faves from the 8 songs I haven’t listened to yet rather than those that were already chosen. And even the Eurofans were not quite fond on the revamp, as some think the additional ethno sounds made it sound worse (and of course there are some that kinda like it or think of the song as their guilty pleasure). So why shouldn’t I? :O
Anyway, old “Heaven”. The first sounds on here to grace my ears on this song consist of one light piano note being tapped to an exact rhythm and a confused baby girl stuttering. And I’d’ve maybe enjoyed this more ironically at some point if it weren’t for the latter sound effect being re(ab)used later in the song!! Ugh I hate it. The lyrics are fine I guess... though isn’t it ironic the only English song in Montevizija’s lineup this year won?? It’s like the Montenegrin people were openly cringing when being the only ones to understand Vanja comparing his life to cat’s and mouse’s and calling his heart “the most expensive toy” in his song and then they were like “you know what? Let’s let the WHOLE Europe understand how terrible our lyrics are! ^_^” (no but for real, who still uses “I’m in heaven, falling straight into your heart” as a pick-up line? Did they travel through time from 1998 to 2019 or something???)
Speaking of the 90s, the whole song smells like a dated cliché of that period. You know, the kind of “the high school prom song from that 90s teen sitcom’s who you’re forced to watch when your elderly aunt is in the house with you and there’s nothing else on TV” dated. Dated even more than “Chain of Lights”. Seriously though! It includes the pathetic “wah wah” bassline, mid-tempo beats, the boy/girl-group harmonies... catch me puking sugar-coated cheese to this, no thanks. Oh and if you already read my “Zero Gravity” review (which you probably never even bothered to after seeing how much text would you have to read), I definitely mentioned that I’m not a fan of those “two verses-two choruses” songs, and especially those kind of ones that aren’t sounding like something suited for radio (e.g.: Poland 2018, “Light Me Up”)... this obviously sounds like something from the radio of the times the at-the-time senior highschoolers are currently over 30 or slightly over 40, and that should be 4 and a half minutes long. These verses could just not be more ridiculously dragged out for the choruses to prevail and get stuck in our brains... fucking welp [sic] me already.
Well, if there are any brownie points I could give this, it’s pleasant, it’s harmless if I don’t take into account the cheese vibes this emits, and all this bunch are made up by up-and-coming talented singers that clearly deserved a better song...
And the staging concept in their NF was cool tho (illustrating their power of D mol), and I applaud the couple chemistry I guess
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Oh and this below is one of the most underappreciated memes this Euroseason:
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*stares into your soul in Montenegrin*
So yeah. Oh and the Rizo(tto) guy who is self-aware of his hotness and the hotness of the much older Eurovision guys this year, but he’s not doing it for me so that I could be in heaven falling, so he’s getting a hard pass.
All in all - a nostalgia cash-in made to appease the housewives from Podgorica to Skopje, from Novi Sad to Štúrovo, and nothing quite else, sung by a cool bunch of people that if anything are deemed this year’s "great people with an unfortunately too dated song and a shitty draw” by me. I don’t know much of their personalities but I do believe that even if they like what they’re singing, they’d be much better off doing a better sounding throwback, at least. So that even the disappointed-by-”Heaven” Eurofans could at least call it “so dated but a BOP!”. And hey, I’m aware of those fans that will likely be pissed at me for not bopping along to this, but I said what I said about it and yet again, if revamp changes my mind, I will change my opinion, but right now I’d not prefer to. Grumpy Adio.
Approval factor: Hell with the no. I would like Vanja back instead. At least he made himself a somebody to be cared about even if the Eurofans didn’t quite adapt to his song in return.
Follow-up factor: somehow, both “Inje” and “Heaven” were/are seen by the masses as instant NQs, so it somehow doesn’t sound like Montenegro is following a great path so far. And after this year anything that audience favours and wins can be seen as a way better follow up after something meh coming after something wrose.
Qualification factor: For the n-th time, I’m yet to check the revamp out to state where this will actually go, but being put 2nd in the draw is a massive stab in the knee, as demonstrated by even the national finals this year (Electric Fields in Australia Decides, Aly Ryan in Unser Lied für Israel, Lisa Ajax in Melodifestivalen final... the only glaring exception is ZENA in Eurofest but is it me or these producers did this just so they could be all like “heeeey we put a winning song on 2nd just to show that a NF song can win from ANY draw! ANY DRAW!!!” lol nope), and from it only a few lucky souls have crawled out victorious (Nathan Trent for example, the draw might have pushed him down in the semi but he got up again!). D mol, for as young and developing in talent as they are, don’t seem to be such. You can be young and pitied for your personality, but you always can at the same time have a song that completely crushes your chances to do well and sweeps up the last shards of hope right in front of your eyes despite being an angel worthy of protection (Ari Ólafsson, anyone?). Unless the D molians work all their magic and the random ethnic vibes into their favour for some reason, but for now it ain’t gonna work.
NATIONAL FINAL BONUS
And even then, what was so interesting about Montevizija 2019?? Let’s see...
• First off, let’s address one meme of the beginning of 2019 that Facebook may or may have not used purposefully to upgrade their automatic “facial recognition” skills - the 10 years challenge. Our first one of this season is the sassy maneater who spent her ESC stint by trying to unlove a guy so hard that he just couldn’t oblige - Andrea Demirović. Her decade-later A-game happened to be this one song she sang in her mother-tongue: “Ja sam ti san” (I am your dream). Now, I wasn’t particularly into it - I enjoy some electro tracks out there (like hello, “Igranka” is one of my favourite Montenegrin entries, and 2013 entries overall as well) but this one just ended up being the right amount of cool AND overbearingly unsettling for me to not really fancy it. Kinda like “Red” by HyunA - I can only bop to this if I don’t care about the fact I actually hate it, oops. (Or maybe it is just because Andrea once again used a composition done by one of those “rent-a-NF-songwriter” people. Which is at least better than collabing Ralph Siegel who’s stopped being relevant ever since starting to work with San Marino, or even since the hilarious attempt of a peace song sung by the original common framework, six4One. But since Michael James Down has co-contributed to one of the better Montevizija songs last year, I will not allow myself to think it’s thanks to those kind of songwriters.) Nevertheless, the Eurofans actualy kind of loved this song, but sadly, Montenegrins and the international jury did quite not, and she didn’t land on to the superfinal 2 (as opposed to a superfinal 3 last year, to which she could have easily qualified if it still were a 3). Here’s her song to y’all anyways (and the performance too, which just needed to include some random monster dudes dancing around... why? Because Eurovision! ^^):
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• Speaking of Andrea, during the results part there was this one shot of hers where she was pictured just casually chilling on her phone, not giving a damn that she’s being underrated on the scoreboard. Not only she was badly rated, but this moment was such an universal #mood!
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• In between the finally final results announcement (which I didn’t really know when exactly was it taking place because the winner wasn’t really said out loud before the event I will describe next was taking place??) there was this lottery going on of who would be the lucky two audience observers that’d win tickets to Tel Aviv... hilariously enough though, it somehow malfunctioned and there were some sort of errors regarding the announcement of the RIGHT winner <3 but the winners happened and I hope they’re getting to go to Tel Aviv at some point during the Eurovision events! Hope they don’t feel startled by the lack of taken seats this year.
• Unlike Eesti Laul, Montevizija this year took up the job of showcasing tweets of Eurofans, and somehow this fellow fella ended up seen by a handful of Montenegrins AND international viewers. Take a wild guess which of them know what a daddy Serhat is.
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• And who could not forget the magic flying envelope for to announce the winner of the NF:
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there must have been some Harry Potter magic in there :O
As for what touches the other songs, well there’s the last year’s fan fave Nina Petković with another song, but it’s no “Dišem”, so don’t even bother. Or bother, but imo it’s just okay-sounding, nothing that groundbreaking or pleasant enough to be competitive. The other few songs were also nice but I’d like not to make this longer as my other write-ups, to be fair. Sucked to be Mr. Kállay-Saunders who, as the international juror chosen for this national final, had to rank its songs... as that NF happened right on the same day his second A Dal 2019 performance was taking off. Not that the international jurors were supposed to be present in Montenegro on the day of this NF, anyways...
Anyway, despite all this goddamn criticism (that could’ve flown more smooth had my computer not restarted in the middle of me doing paragraphs for this review), I’m fare welling the D mol-ians and would like to wish them a heavenly Eurovision experience. ^_^
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sharongoodnow · 6 years
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not 2 be a dramatic bitch but like...i guess i was in a really seriously vulnerable place / time in life when i met The Woman (i was fifteen so like...Yeah) and we were very very very close for two years and she controlled every aspect of my life from my academics (including grades as well as my record and transcripts, all of which she could alter without my school's or my consent) and she was "an educator" so she was responsible for me and it was (and ive shoved this word into my brain because my therapist gets pissed when I downplay it) an abusive relationship that has largely been the root of every mental health problem i've had since, and very likely contributed to my significant physical health problems as well. like, it doesn't feel like one every day, but it was a big fucking deal. even now i end up confusing people when i go through my whole "yeah my last two years of college were totally useless" thing, and i feel cheated of those years, and it's like...painful to look back at all of that and see how genuinely out of place i was and how lost i felt and how just seriously not great it all was. like...my entire life orientation was toward what she wanted me to be. everything from where i went to college to what my major would be to what i would do long-term to how i viewed myself to even the sports i did and television shows i watched. and what's even worse is the stuff i voluntarily did to please her even when she wasn't there anymore, all of my attempts to deny myself of everything i could have or wanted because there was so much in my mind that was telling me i was useless and worthless if i didn't follow her exact orders even if i were to never see her again. it's like...I can't blame her for it because they were my actions, but they would absolutely never have happened had i never met her. just not a fun place to be.
and anyway having that happen in like your semi-rebellious years (and the first ones in which you have much of any autonomy) really fucked me up to the point that i feel like i've had to relearn pretty much every aspect of my life and identity and redefine it all because if i don't then there's some part of her in it, and that just...won't work. even coming here had me feeling some kind of way because as i sat at my airport gate i realized that the last time I'd flown anywhere, it had been with her. i quite literally had no experiences from the ages of fourteen onward that were Magnificant but didn't involve her. it is incredibly painful to have every good thing in your life bound up in abusive rhetoric. even after i got out of the relationship, it was six months of okay-ness before a year and a half of major physical health problems that meant my life turned to next to nothing, and after that, it was major depression (which is apparently common after major illness, which would have been Great To Know!!!!), and with that came Revelations, and then things just got worse. there was absolutely no escaping it. and even trying to get back to a Healthy Place was impossible because nothing i could do would make me happy because i had no idea what could make me happy. everything was bound up with her, and everything relating to her was excrutiating. it was...really really bad like it just. was really really bad
and like all of this has just like...made me really indescribably thankful for this whole Experience and seeing all these things and being with these people and having a great therapist and being able to learn from others and Learn As Much As I Possibly Can and everything else because like...i've been on a plane without her, and that sounds so small but it made such a difference. i felt weightless getting off that flight i swear. it felt like such a release of tension i'd never realized I was holding. and i got to see things without her, and i got to take pictures without her, and i have something I can say I experienced without having to mention her. i don't even have to think about her when i talk about it. there's no pretending or downplaying. like...i can't even describe how much that means to me. it is the greatest gift and im so so so thankful for it. this has felt so healing in that regard. it feels as if that period of my life is finally over and like i can finally move past it even three years after things ended. it feels put away which felt so impossible in the past but now feels so easy. this was something i so deeply needed and though i have faith that i could've achieved it another way this just...made such a huge remarkable obvious difference and im so grateful for it
another thing im really grateful for that happened here is that i got to take a positive psychology course which i Really Liked and in it there was a lot of personalized engagement and learning about yourself and it's been so applicable in like...getting to know myself in this post-abuse post-therapyforthat post-psychoactivewhatever state because i have No Idea about myself to a fairly significant degree and it's been suuuuuper educational to take surveys and read up on stuff and be like Oh I Recognize That or something. particularly the via institute's character strengths survey has been super helpful. like my top character strength was "love of learning" which i was shocked to see bc i don't really like school and i've said on vacations that I have a No Learning Rule because I want to Fucken Relax lol but it just kind of...made sense the more i dealt with it bc i'm always reading nonfiction and i love hearing about things people are passionate about and all sorts of stuff like that and it was like huh. I'm not doing much with that. that's probably not a good thing. and it's been really helpful to read frankl and seligman and see things that i deeply believe reflected back in scientific terms. and also imo positive psych will make our world a waaaaaaaaaaay better place but either way.
and obviously im thankful for none of the abuse thing but ive been appreciative of finally letting go of The Who Am I Now thing and letting it be. like...i do get an opportunity to try everything, and that's worthwhile right? like i at least get a kind of sort of clean slate. so nothing is off-limits and i can try whatever and i'm not allowed preconceived notions bc those notions are (lol) probably wrong. and just being here like....it's helped a lot because it's easy to find inspiration in certain ways. like ive always been embarrassed and thus jokey about my complete and utter lack of history knowledge (in high school i don't even think i took a full two years of history, and most of it was just Cold War history because i had scheduling problems...whether or not this is the fault of The Woman, who put me in her programs and controlled the whole school's and particularly my scheduling, is up to you to decide) but being here has made it at least feel a little more accessible and comfortable so im less scared to like...ask the world's dumbest question lol. like i went the whole of les miz in the movie theater when that came out thinking it was about the bolsheviks and mensheviks. That Kind Of Stupid. and i get really nervous about going out to places alone halfway because i don't like being alone in multiple person contexts and halfway because I don't feel safe (especially in cities at night and whatnot) but here ive done things alone because i need to fit them in and can't wait for the Perfect Opportunity and usually i can do stuff in the daylight which is better so i want to carry that with me back home. i still don't like doing things alone but at least I do them. it's just like...stuff like that that's been really educational overall and has helped me feel more like myself for whatever that means and less like some cave-dwelling goblin who eats nothing but pasta and is depressed all the time
also another thing i've found is that like...it's really hard to feel meaning in yourself if you don't have a sense of purpose and a sense of purpose is really hard to come by if you don't have something that makes you really want to try in life. which is totally paraphrasing frankl lol. but either way like...it's been really important for me so far to be able to find identity (but not ego...more of like personal likes and dislikes and personality and stuff) in things i've done because then there's at least some non-glib self-confidence unrelated to quality or quantity and more related to just feeling like something mattered in some way. like i kind of took up painting this past semester lol and i am So Bad At It but like...it's so satisfying to see the canvases in my room!!!! like i swear i get the most romantic feeling toward them even though they just plainly aren't good. it's so satisfying to have done that even if no one will see it and even if i don't even like it. and then there's my ao3 page which like...i can see a progression and learning in it, and that's been soooooooo foundational for me because now i keep writing stuff just for me that's way more adventurous and Out There than i ever have because i've leapt and not failed and learned enough times that it's not so scary anymore. it really doesn't matter if it's good or not. just seeing that I've made something and that i can keep making things and that I've struggled but made it through stronger is just...very helpful. it's nice to have a tangible way to view that stuff.
and either way...practical at-home applications if you're in a bad spot mentally..........the biggest thing ive found is that you have to "transcend" the feeling (via institute has some stuff on this wrt positive psych) so if you're really stressed or dealing with something traumatic or hurting in some way or just like that feeling of being so overwhelmed that everything feels impossible like....find some way to get out of your own experience and see something beautiful. it doesn't have to be major; it just has to be safe. even like a YouTube video of scuba-diving or something can work. or you could go so far as volunteer work or something else that's the opposite of ego-driven, or you can go for a walk in a park, or whatever you choose. the whole Getting Out Of Your Head thing, if you will. another thing is to know your values, which i think i found most helpful in mindfulness something something therapy (???? Google mindfulness therapy for depression it'll probably come up). like being able to establish your values reeeeaaaaaally helps because oftentimes you don't have to actively redo your life you just have to look at it differently or try a few different things or add something in. and then it's easier to feel meaning or worth because you're doing things you value even if it's just small stuff. another thing is like basic cognitive behavioral therapy and particularly retraining mental messages because even if you're a mentally healthy person there's still an arsenal of stuff we throw at ourselves that's just...ugly...and we shouldn't do it. and so much is influenced by media etc etc so it's just good to be aware of. mindfulness meditation definitely goes hand-in-hand with that because some lack of identification with or awareness of one's own thoughts makes it 100x easier. there are also aspects of family systems therapy that question the origin of such thoughts that are helpful (also seen in we's notion of "inner girl") and go hand-in-hand as well. i'd recommend complete sobriety but i know that's not everyone's cup of tea lol. and also in that vein like...don't deny yourself things that you don't really think are bad for you. if they are, and if you're actually consciously trying to make a change, you'll see that they are and stop. like...you're allowed to hurt yourself and make mistakes if it's something you can learn from. obviously it's not recommended but if you slip up in some way at some point then that's probably a good thing in the long-run. have interventions in place just in case but don't discount the fact that you learn from the things you do wrong. like for example if following someone on instagram makes you think you should unfollow or even delete the app don't delete it because you think you should; delete it when it starts to hurt and you genuinely know you'd be better without it. and then from there you can discern patterns and whatnot and stop that stuff earlier. you don't have to completely deny yourself everything; you just need to be aware of what is and isn't serving you. and that takes trial and error oftentimes. it's okay to fail and oftentimes even ultimately helpful.
so either way. im happy to be alive For Once and it's not going away and That's How I Got There Lol and im hoping some of that translates to the lives of anyone who may need it
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nicesideburns · 6 years
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imma post this here ab my 2 cents abt the animu 
srry my text is for ants on this blog heres a link where its more readable
Devilman Crybaby [SPOILERS]
OKAY I JUST WOKE UP AND PROBABLY FORGOT MOST OF THE STUFF BUT LETS DO THIS SHIT So, I personally enjoyed Devilman Crybaby FULLY as I've been one of the many devilman friends that have been dying for material that stay loyal to the material. And surely Crybaby DID deliver. Although some aspects have been translated to a more 'modern' approach opposed to the 80s. I know just about EVERYONE is like where's the SIDEBURNS and as someone who loves sideburns...sorry that trait kind of burned out way back then. So, I can understand what they were doing with the designs because its Modern times. Especially in anime, there's more different hairstyles that are IN right now that hasn't been the classy 80s look. So, it was bound to change in that aspect. My advice, if you can, indulge on the original material crybaby is based off of. Although some warnings because people have been rightfully mad about the portrayal of the women in the source material (which I will try to cover) as it's heavily present back then as well. Go Nagai has been Known about this issue with his series, so it's sad to say that this was also to be expected. Anyway, I'm getting side tracked just a bit. But the source material and modern Adaption are the same yet different. Also to keep in mind that Devilman was NEVER meant to be happy in the end. Just in case people are upset about the ending Crybaby IS, as I've stated before, the modern take of Devilman and because of that factors to the original story itself has been changed up. In my opinion, it's not a huge issue as I've read all of Devilman and even the OVAs, I believed they touched up on each arcs well. Even translating them into episodes despite making some adjustments to it. Personally, as each episode developed I could easily remember that certain arc of the series and be like God this takes me back. They're different, yet they play parallel with the original source material. I also REALLY can't complain about the pacing because Devilman itself did go that fast (with some bits of moments). In fact, it was one of the key things I was worried about with them dragging certain aspects too long and making things worse. Now let's see one of the things I wanted to touch. The explicit horniness of said subject matter? Primarily how 100000x hornier the demons, typically Sirene, get to gain their Raw Energy to fight. Which I thought was very Weird, since it wasn't like that in the original. Mainly it was, if I'm remembering correctly, left with Akira becoming Devilman. It's kind of a like a more Upped the scales puberty hitting him like a bus because his personality DOES change and he DOES get 10000x hornier. I guess they tried to convey that through the normal teenager looking up porn, masturbating, and engaging sexual activities. Not saying it was right to convey it like that or necessarily wrong because in the original Akira HAS made rather crude remarks toward Miki and even groped her. So it's like I guess this is better. I GUESS. But having it contribute to come demons, like Sirene, felt really I don't know off? In my taste. Especially Sirene because she was Amon's lover before Akira took him away and she wanted him back. I felt they just, as CJ puts it, that horny single desperate housewife opposed to the deadly yet beautiful being demons looked up to. IDK I guess what I'm saying is that it felt weird not acknowledging Akira as Not Amon but instead Amon and engaging with him before attempting to kill him. Even though in the past she KNEW Amon was taken from her and even acted out to take Miki from Akira to (imo) 'prove a point' of having a loved one taking from you. Literally her whole arc is focus on murdering Akira to bring Amon back because thats her lover. Not just...I'm horny n miss that sweet demon dick. When it really was, why did a human TAKE the one powerful thing I've loved type of deal. But I still love her... Another thing I wasn't too happy about was the whole Ryo thing. I guess they didn't want to explore to much on him because it was just 10 episodes and little time to cram everything. But Ryo (like prior to like ep 8 n beyond I think), has done some personal exploration on himself and patching things together on himself. I literally wasn't happy myself when they changed the aspect of him being adopted by some doctor in the original material, but instead some dude he found in Peru. It kind of killed his development and mystery in a sense because in the crybaby verse he's famous and well loved by all. When in the original it was different in terms of that (I can't really explain because my memory is hazy), but he does start off as NORMAL like Akira. (TOUCHING ORIG SPOILERS) Had a dad he believed to be his dad and raised based on research until he noticed his father was being strange. That's why he sought Akira because of the outcome of his father and the research he was doing, so he wanted to dig deeper. But of course, way later in the story as we near the apocalypse, Ryo began to patch things on his own to the relation to his father and the way he talked to him. Not heavily specific but I remember the one famous scene old fans remember when his father attempted to murder Ryo and Ryo remembered it as him going 'mad' from the demon. Yet upon later reflection we come to figure out while what happened to the father is TRUE, the father himself grew to knew that something was wrong with Ryo. That Ryo never was his son and was something Else. Hence, the keypoint of us and Ryo realizing that the father was right and Ryo is something else. It was a shame that had to be cut back and adjusted heavily with Peru to explore that aspect. They did touch on this a bit in crybaby with how Akira struggled being Devilman and facing his own demons, Ryo spent his time reflecting and researching to find out what he was. This wasn't explored as much as I would fancy, but again, 10 episodes. But this has been touched on in the manga where a portion of the time it was Akira's dilemma then to Ryo's. It's probably because they wanted to build onto Akira's character as well as the supporting characters to highlight their importance to one another, especially with Akira. Which I can say I was satisfied with because I appreciated being attached to said characters. I can say for sure I enjoyed their approach with the track team and the focus on familial relationships. I would also like to briefly touch on that rapper guy, Koda or something. I didn't like his approach being the token gay man to later join the demons. It felt tasteless in my eyes to make him like that. But I did enjoy his struggles being a devilman and the loss he underwent to see that, like Akira, still have their human heart and experience grief much like Akira. It was a really nice touch. Also, we gotta talk about the big elephant in the room: Ryokira. Crybaby didn't really focus too much on how close the two was in my opinion and only briefly touched it in the beginning half before shifting more on Akira and his relationships with the others. WHICH IS A SHAME... But people are complaining about how they didn't focus on the gay enough and blahblah fujoshi stuff. But it's limited time. But the two have been shown to be Very close to each other and even points where Akira, himself, would stand up for Ryo even if Ryo clearly did something wrong. Which caused tension between him and Miki because he held Ryo at a high standard than anything which can be shown in old material stuff. The same can be said with Ryo because he legit does like Akira in that aspect (coughgay) but its shown in other portion of the Devilman saga and whatnot. but Ryo is KNOWN to actually LOVE Akira to the point he found Miki distasteful (yeah one of Go Nagais token problems) around him and Akira. Espcially with the final episode, with the whole Mad At Myself scene because it highlights his regret killing the one being he truly loved. It was a damn shame their relationship wasn't explored much to gain that depression strings unless, like me and others, are familiar to the original material and very well known about this beforehand. But it was pretty Vague in crybaby imo. ANYWAY I think I've got some of the key points because I'm worn out and tired.There's probably more I'd like to explore and briefly point out especially with how ass and tiddy it is. But to keep it short and simple it's literally has been like that with Go Nagai's materials sadly and one of his many problems. But I can't touch on it much due to me being sick and my foggy memory but im sure there are others that can expand on this. I've overall personally enjoyed Crybaby as it didn't disappoint and I really did enjoy the new approach on some materials and execution. It's not Perfect perfect but at least it doesn't exaggerate too much with the material like the OVAs have done. The OST was good as hell too. Overall Abel score I'd give it...an 8/10 that's what I'm feeling
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halo-2 · 6 years
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Preordering EA’s (also Ubisoft, Activision, Microsoft, etc.) games shows them that you’re okay with the nonsense. And the more this keeps happening, the more “okay” it will become. Charging extra for gameplay altering features should NEVER be acceptable. Regardless, you’ve gained a follower because I like Halo. And you’ve shown more open-mindedness than Boga who deleted my comments after I provided valid reasons for the Battlefront 2 fuss that’s been happening.
I completely agree. Pre-orders are awful, and attract people with exclusive content for that guaranteed sum of money. I’m not going to pretend like I don’t pre-order, because honestly, I pre-order just about every damn game I get. A lot of people will/have give(n) me flak for doing so, but when I’m confident in a game or have played a beta or previous iteration of a franchise, I know I’ll like it. The only game I have ever pre-ordered and regretted, was Watch Dogs. The first one. As of recently, I’ve also given in to microtransaction (I’m a sucker for cool shit). While these are only cosmetic items (generally and for the most part), it’s making the problem worse. Now obviously one person isn’t a huge difference. If I were to stop (which I am doing, because this short-lived gambling has taken so much money from me, and for what? To look badass.), it wouldn’t do much to direct them (publishers and developers) away from MTs. More people will be against them as time goes. I’m doubtful we’ll see much more than exclusive timed-items (Coldheart in Destiny 2 for pre-ordering) for anything in the near future, though. Buying crates in Battlefront 2 honestly doesn’t do much of anything other than being able to kit out your soldier to fit your playstyle right away. I would definitely not say it’s P2W. While I believe devs and pubs have every right to include MTs in their games, there should be no game-changing MTs in games that are paid for. Especially not a $60 game. P2W has no place in any game, honestly. I will never play a P2W game. Thank you for the follow, I’m glad to know yet another person out there still likes Halo, it’s appreciated. =)I can’t speak for Boga, but if I were to receive all the negativity and hate directed towards him and BF2, I’d be pretty heated as well. Even more so because he’s showing enjoyment for the game, and doing his best to point out that the game is actually high quality. Having people only respond with negativity is terrible, and just creates a toxic environment for both sides. I’m hoping you didn’t send much more hate than that post I replied to, because I’m not a fan of any of that. I’m actually kind of disappointed you’d say stuff such as that, Anon, though I don’t hold anything against people. Not that you’ll listen to me, but please do keep things much more civil in the future if you partake in any discussions such as this. You both seem to have a solid stance, and it looks as if it’s to the point where neither of you can reason much, if at all.I definitely pride myself with an open mind, though. I actually feel as if I’m one of the biggest critics for things I love. Even things I don’t love. I always do my best to look at every angle and understand each and every one. So, all in all;Yes, I completely agree that game-altering MTs have NO place in any games. Pre-orders are controversial. I’m against them if they reward you with actual [game-changing?] items, such as weapons as timed exclusives. Cosmetics only, IMO. That’s how I feel it should be. I stand my ground in saying I will still pre-order, however, as I do not believe it shows support for MTs. While you and Boga disagree, I encourage both of you to step back a little and look at the big picture. Look at each of your points. Work towards a better understanding of your differing points of view. He made the right decision with just shutting you out at the end, as neither of you were being understood completely by the other (sorry Anon, not trying to attack you here). The insults were completely uncalled for and didn’t contribute to anything but more hate between you two. It’s unlikely that this will happen, but even if you’re just on Anon, I think it’d be good for you two to talk this over. I’m not saying you should apologize, or that he should apoligize, but I feel it could be rewarding for both of you to hear the two vastly different stances (though I am suggesting to apologize for the insults, Anon. I think that would be a fair request).Anyhow, if you want to discuss any of this more in depth, please send another ask. Part of the reason my responses are always so shitty is because I’m on mobile (that may not make any logical sense, but trust me, it’s part of the reason), so I’m sure there’s something that doesn’t make sense or I didn’t touch down on.Again, thank you for the follow and I hope we can all avoid toxic situations such as this in the future (as the gaming community as a whole, not just the 3 or 4 of us).
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anghraine · 7 years
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So, my sister wanted to watch ANH, and I’m a noble and selfless big sister (:P) and agreed. It’s been ... at least a year? 
Impressions this time:
- ANH is really a magnificent film, just in terms of how everything comes together and how completely balanced the different elements are. It is what it is—a fancy Western-meets-Kurosawa fairy-tale space opera—and instead of trying to ~transcend~ its origins, it embraces them and goes for executing them at peak quality. Overwhelmingly it succeeds. I think that’s really its strength among the SW movies: it’s not the most ambitious, it’s not the most creative, it’s not the most inspiring, but it is the most cleanly, evenly executed, the one that succeeds most completely and unambiguously at the kind of thing it is.
- I definitely think the TFA=ANH thing is overblown. They’re very different movies with very different characters. The only exceptions are 1) the cantina and 2) the trench run. Speaking of which, the cantina scene remains spectacular. (And the trench run! My God.)
- Rogue One fits in REALLY WELL, while also feeling like an even more profoundly dissimilar film. But it really felt like it picked up right where RO left off. Like a lot of people, I was cackling at Leia’s sheer gall in her “???? HOW DARE” at Vader. Unfortunately, the near-seamlessness had me completely convinced that RO just happened and so I was like “wow, okay, Vader just took off after Leia and Jyn and Cassian just died WAIT WAIT ABORT MISSION DIDN’T HAPPEN BYYYYE”
- I thought the criticisms of RO!Tarkin were overblown (tbh I tended to think that a lot of them tended to forget how uncanny valley Tarkin is to begin with), and that’s also only more cemented. He seemed absolutely like the same person. I also don’t think I noticed before how ... bored? he seems with a lot of it. Like, Vader thinks the Death Star is shit but is gung-ho about Doing Empire Things and Victory!!! while Tarkin tends to be more “eh.” Gets a kick out of puppy-kicking Tuesday, though.
- I know it’s been litigated to hell and back, but the SE additions are in nearly all cases very jarring. (OTOH, going back and updating the terrible 70s computer graphics would have been a very feasible choice!) Similarly, I know it’s stale and everything, but the suggested backstory does seem very different from what we get in the prequels; I kept finding myself mentally working to make it fit. 
- If it’s possible, I feel even more strongly than before about how wrongwrongwrong the soft, fluffy, sunshiny!Luke* thing is. Despite his streak of fatalism, he’s also almost invariably confident—sometimes to the point of braggadocio, but in most cases in fact correct. His goals are largely heroic, but he is far and away the most purely pragmatic of the main trio. He’s incredibly naive, but also resourceful; almost all the actual ideas for what to do come from him, and in most cases in a single moment. When Han snaps that “he’s the brains,” I don’t think he’s actually being sarcastic (though obviously he’s being annoyed). Luke is the idea guy, Han is the shooting things guy (which both find frustrating on occasion). Luke combines a streak of earnest gentleness with very frequent abrasiveness. He’s very much Leia’s brother.
(...on that level.)
- Han is incredibly brash and reckless! Sometimes hilariously so. I continue to love the scene where he runs from stormtroopers only to run into WAY MORE stormtroopers and just runs away screaming. He’s interesting because he’s not at all a comic relief character, but he does actually have a lot of it. I think it contributes to his lovability.
- Threepio and Artoo’s relationship remains the cutest, omg. And how did I forget Artoo’s built-in fire extinguisher??
- HELLO WALL-E
- LEIA LEIA LEIA LEIA
- There’s a gifset about how Leia is the only person unafraid of Vader, and I actually disagree. She quite plainly is afraid of him, IMO, quite naturally in the torture scene and then when she backs into him to get away from Tarkin. She just doesn’t let it govern her will or conduct even a little bit. <3
- I remain convinced that all probability is that Vader argued against the destruction of Alderaan, though not for any heroic reasons. I also remain creeped-out by Tarkin’s behaviour towards Leia accompanied by his genuine shock that she would lie to him. Vader is just “duh????” 
- I’ve also noticed it before, but it never ceases to amuse me: when Luke and Leia scream at Han about shooting in the compactor, they sound exactly the same. 
- Luke is the one who thinks to shoot out the cameras in the detention center.
- Obi-Wan’s lightsaber is the proper shade of blue, but Luke’s/Anakin’s has been left at greenish for some reason.
- ROBOT IS A CANON WORD
- I also think criticisms of the Obi-Wan/Vader duel are overblown. It’s a very different style, which seems odd, but ... looks like pretty normal fencing to me? A bit slower than Vader vs Luke in ESB, but that’s what you’d expect. I definitely got the feeling that Vader was drawing it out for maximum enjoyment, lol, but could have ended it at any moment.
- I love Threepio, but I find Chewie super irritating, sorry.
- Leia and Luke are so pretty!!!!
- Han’s snark about “female advice” remains as “well, fuck you, Han” as ever. I’m also not a huge fan of him going on about how he doesn’t care about the revolution or about her, considering that he knows perfectly well that she just saw her planet wiped out. How Jyn trying to survive is worse than this is just ?????
- Nevertheless, ANH Han is by and large my favourite Han. He’s genuinely charming, while his pseudo-devil-may-care is just ... aww, here’s your YOU TRIED star. Setting the implied incest aside, the back-and-forth with Luke about Leia is super cute. I also love the “no reward is worth this,” haha, along with “either I’m going to kill her or I’m starting to like her.”
- If I didn’t know better, I would definitely have thought Harrison and Carrie’s affair was during ESB, not ANH. The UST seems much less intense here (definitely present, but in a more lowkey, adorkable sort of way). 
- Luke and Leia both seem to feel this irrational, near-immediate bond. They tend to pair off and Leia flips out when he’s pulled underwater as much as Luke did when he realized she was scheduled for execution. Luke tends to back her when she’s pissed at Han or ignore it altogether. I also think it’s kind of ... sweet isn’t the word, exactly, but when Luke gives Leia the blaster to cover him while he gets his swinging cord out, he doesn’t seem to have the slightest doubt about her capabilities. And she doesn’t seem to doubt that he’ll be able to carry her with one arm across the BOTTOMLESS PIT OF DOOM. 
- That’s also there in the celebration scene; with Han there’s the UST with his wink + her I’M PUTTING ON MY PRINCESS FACE NOW, while with Luke he grins at her and she grins back, like they’re kids together. (Also, I think, a reason the twin retcon—while certainly awkward at points—works more than not. It's much more about this easy natural camaraderie they have than anything else. They’re bros before they were bros!)
- Leia actually isn’t certain if the plans will show a weakness or not, which suggests 1) she wasn’t told Jyn’s full testimony, or 2) she’s not at all sure about it either. 
- People generally seem to treat the Imperial Senate as a legit concern—not just Leia, but many of the Imperial officers, and Vader himself takes care to create a smokescreen to keep them from realizing what happened to Leia. The OT is not much for politics, but I suspect the abrupt dissolution of the Senate might have contributed to the expanded Rebellion of ESB and ROTJ.
- Even here, though, the Rebellion does seem very well-funded, and Han’s reward appears to be no problem at all. Also, everyone rides around on little carts.
- Luke totally knew Obi-Wan already and I am personally very doubtful that it took just a few hours or a day to get to Alderaan. Think: Leia supposedly caves about the Dantooine base right before Alderaan’s destruction (i.e., after Han&Co go into hyperspace). The Empire sends a contingent to Dantooine from Alderaan, who find and search the abandoned base, and send a report back. I definitely don’t think that’s something that in its entirety would be handled in a day. 
(I always get a sense with the OT—and RO—that we’re seeing snapshots of a wider story, with plenty going on in the empty spaces that’s just not critical, or which can be inferred from what we do see. Luke’s bit with the remote is clearly not his only interaction with Obi-Wan on the trip, say; it’s just a representative bit we see that coincides with the destruction of Alderaan. I think it’s part of the reason it’s compelling in a very fannish way, even though I have very very few issues with the series as-is; normally I get really fannish about things that are super compelling but have a lot of issues I feel the need to address. SW, though, manages to provide those spaces where I want to fill in the blanks, but as a form of storytelling rather than faultlines.)
- Aww, it’s for little children! also have you noticed that one of the charred skeletons at the homestead is contorted weirdly
- I love Carrie’s low voice
- the development of Artoo and Threepio’s relationship is not something I’ve really noticed before, but I was genuinely touched this time? They’re friends, clearly, but they start out at this snappish, intolerant place and Threepio gets increasingly more and more concerned and less selfish. He manages to look devastated when Luke shouts that Artoo is down and then when he offers his own gears and circuits for Artoo, it’s just... awwwww. (Also when they ask Luke if he wants a less beat-up droid and he’s NO WE’VE BONDED. Luke <3 <3)
- Alec Guinness, whatever his private feelings, does a really great job with Obi-Wan as this shrewd, tricky mentor with a deep sense of ambivalence. I think it’s part of the reason the retcon works so well; his behaviour seems entirely credible as someone who’s lying. I also think his :| at Han is pretty hilarious? He’s just seriously?? so much of the time.
- The whole deal with the parsecs was obviously meant to be stupid bragging from Han. There’s no need for an explanation; Obi-Wan and Luke’s faces are both like “...sure, bro.” 
- Even the damn summary of the title crawl on the back was like T_T
The Jedi Knights have been exterminated and the Empire rules the galaxy with an iron fist. A small group of Rebels have dared to fight back by stealing the secret plans to the Empire’s mightiest weapon, the Death Star battle station. The Emperor’s most trusted servant, Darth Vader, must find the plans and locate the hidden Rebel base. [etc]
*sob*
But, just incidentally, there is never the slightest indication given that the team of spies didn’t actually make it out of their mission or that there’s any particular tragedy around the first!!!! victory!!!!!!! They’re never explicitly pointed out, but there also isn’t any occasion for doing so; we don’t see anyone outside the purely military arm. No senators beyond Leia (who’s only there to bring the plans, and had originally intended to go to Alderaan anyway), no Mon Mothma, no operatives of any kind beyond soldiers, pilots, and commanders. It looks like they evacuated everyone else, so even if the Scarif mission had gone precisely according to plan and like 75% of them made it out, there’s no reason for them to show up in ANH anyway. But yeah, basically all we know is that the team that recovered the plans was a small and brave one affiliated with the Rebellion.
*feel free not to remind me that the sun is powerful and dangerous. this is a metaphor
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birdkoskincare · 7 years
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i just finished my first semester at uni and i got really bad grades. i used to have top grades in high school but im not motivated to study anymore or im just stupid. it might be because what im studying (business) doesn't interest me very much and im not sure that that is what i want to do for the rest of my life. I'm a little more interested in psychology (but not like passionate about it) but that has really bad career options here. Do you have any advice for me? thanks x
ohh dear, your situation sounds exactly like what i went through last semester! things got really difficult, i got very demotivated because of my bad grades (can we please have a former top student support group pls) and i had lots of crying breakdowns/talking with my parents about how i didn’t see myself doing this for life and how what i really love is art etc etc. now! these are just things that worked for me and they may not be the standard advice or what works best for everyone but!
think about the thing you love most doing, then think whether or not you could do that on a daily basis. would that spoil the fun? in my case, i realised i’d hate drawing or writing out of obligation — i wouldn’t want it to be a chore. 
this is the opposite of that old adage “do what you love & you’ll never work a day in your life!!”. personally, i think that’s BS. i never had a vocation in my life; even my current career goals are very much subject to change. the thing is, a capitalist-minded society like ours values people for the work they can do, and as such they make you think of it as the most impactful part of your life. it isn’t, not for everyone - for some people that’s their families, their hobbies, and their job is something they do to support that and maybe contribute to society as well. that’s ok. you don’t have to love your job with a fiery passion, although you certainly shouldn’t hate it and it should be something that interests you.
that being said, once you remove the pressure of finding that one dream job, i think it’s easier to start exploring several options and the chance of finding something you actually like increases. i’d suggest trying to incorporate the things you like into what you already have a base on; for instance, from business to psychology, maybe marketing could be an interesting option! read up on your side interests, draw connections between what you do and those topics and you’ll find yourself much more motivated once you figure out how to bring the things you like into your daily studies.
again, and this is definitely not for someone who already knows they hate their course, but if you just tolerate it and are demotivated, wait. give it time. don’t wait passively, though - study meanwhile just to prove yourself you can, you got this. things could get better as they did for me, because if you do this your grades will start perking up again and your motivation will revive a little. alternatively, if they get worse…
change route. you’re young (i’m assuming, but even if you’re not it’s really never too late), and none of your choices are as final as you might think they are. i’d say don’t be afraid of change, but actually fear isn’t your enemy, stagnancy is. welcome fear as a sign things are in motion and be brave in spite of it. regardless of what route you choose, you will be so much stronger by the end of this.
and my final piece of advice, which applies to basically every problem ever imo:
talk it out!!! talk to your parents, a friend, your most approachable teacher, a career advisor, but just voicing your concerns and wording them forces your brain to look at the problem in the eye. maybe while you’re talking you’ll suddenly realise that the solution is right there in front of you. and, of course, you can always talk to me!
phew, i’m sorry this ended up being really long winded but as i went through similar experiences i have a lot of thoughts on this! i really hope i could help you, best of luck!
here’s an ask i recently answered about motivation if you need it!
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