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#which at the time was perfectly rational bc i was in a consistently toxic environment
bubblegumbeyotch · 3 years
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#kinda fucked up that passive aggressiveness is both a trigger for me and one of my learned behaviors#i’m trying to be more forthcoming with how I feel about things because I’ve noticed how much passive aggressive behaviors#both from family members and past partners or friends#have fucked up my ability to take anything at face value#like i’ll notice someone is acting off so I’ll ask are you okay and did i do anything to upset you#and even if they say no I straight up just don’t believe them and blame myself anyway#bc so many people in my life have lied and said nothing was wrong or I didn’t do anything#then later I find out (either from them or someone else) that they were upset at me#and a lot of times it resulted in said person getting mad bc I couldn’t read their mind and know that even though they said they werent mad#they actually were and i was stupid for not knowing even though i asked and they said everything was fine#please just!!! if you’re mad about something just fucking say it!!!!#and then i feel crazy bc i put context where there isn’t any and it’s just been a very hard process to unlearn this#trauma is so fucked up i wish i could just interact with anyone without acting like a fucking freak about it#like i’m tired of feeling delusional bc of this behavior i had to learn to get by#which at the time was perfectly rational bc i was in a consistently toxic environment#but now that i’m largely out of that environment there’s no logical basis for the behavior#but i still have a compulsive need to assume the worst bc that’s what i’ve always had to do#i just need to go to therapy damn#personal#rant#i’m so sorry if you read all of this
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