#which always seems to be translated in child logic as ‘’well fuck guess I’m from mars’’
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space boy high
happy ending music video // your sympathy // bercy 2010 // underwater // good guys music video // tiny love // tiny love artwork
#it’s about the alienation#mika#mikasounds#mika penniman#man these posts are really just#“you’ve heard of gay gold now get ready for..gay space!’’#but it’s TRUE#it’s about the#knowing there’s something Off/ Different/ Weird from a very young age before you had the words to describe it#which always seems to be translated in child logic as ‘’well fuck guess I’m from mars’’#and then it turns into an escapism thing (gay ppl and sci fi anybody?)#anyway it’s a big theme in queer art and I always kinda have an eye out for it so here we are#press your space face close to mine‚ i wanna be a starshipper‚ refuse me diffuse me to the corners of the galaxy‚ i was just like an#astronaut cut from the ship‚ etc etc#and ofc for mika it wasn’t just being gay‚ it was also being dyslexic‚ being a victim of bullying‚ being ‘’from nowhere’’#not doing my album & song tags rn bc this is already far too long dhdjs#btw I’ve peaked with this and the gold post it’s all downhill from here#shoutout to can for screaming abt astro boy with me ur a treasure and ur patience is voluptuous💙💖
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What's the core appeal of orv? I know the premise but why does it make you so hyped up?
OH BOY OH BOY....... i will try to be as concise as possible here but i could write without exaggeration thousands of words about why orv is good. But I guess here's the big stuff.
- Its funny, for starters. it is extremely funny, which is very high up on my media priority list. in orv, there will be incredibly grim things that make you laugh, and incredibly cringe and silly anime bullshit that will hurt you as heavily as any other media you’ve seen.
- it executes it’s thematic arcs with pinpoint precision the likes of which i’ve hardly ever seen anything else manage to do. regardless of whether or not the themes themselves are the sort of themes you go bonkers for in media, it’s always just delightful to see something perfectly stick it’s landing in terms of the big concepts its trying to grapple with, and orv does
- it’s got fun and fascinating worldbuilding mechanics. the core concept being ‘reality now operates on the rules of a shitty novel’ means that the worldbuilding doesn’t have to function logically, it functions thematically. it’s explicitly stated in orv canon that some of the internal rules governing this new reality are objectively really stupid and illogical, but they just have to roll with it because that’s what was in the book, and i think it’s a really enjoyable way to do it. This may at first sound like a copout, where the writer is trying to excuse their own bad worldbuilding, but it isn’t. The world building is actually incredibly deeply thought out, but it doesn’t exist for the sake of rational function, it exists for the sake of, once again, furthering orv’s thematic arcs. the rules by which this universe operate do a magnificent job of strengthening the core concepts the authors are exploring.
- it deals with morality in a really wonderful and nuanced way. there are almost no characters in orv’s extremely large cast of characters who are just explicitly morally condemnable, and almost every conflict allows you to understand exactly why the antagonists believe they’re in the right by opposing the actions of our protagonists. the central conflicts are never pure right and pure wrong; they’re always about contrasting goals, conflicting worldviews, and different priorities between ends and means. this makes the conflicts all feel so much more dynamic and engaging than those where the only stakes are physical harm.
- the characters interpersonal relationships are some of the most interesting ive ever seen. orv is very slow burn and it takes a long time for a lot of these to come out of the woodwork, by design, but by god once they do they fucking hit. similar to the plot conflicts, the interpersonal conflicts also almost never occur where there’s one side clearly in the wrong. the characters are almost all genuinely attempting to do their best by each other, and the tension comes from the ways in which human communication is fundamentally imperfect and part of our feelings and intentions get lost in translation. it’s very heartwrenching and heartwarming to see unfold, in equal measure.
- following from that, it’s a narrative that really meaningfully prioritizes non-romantic relationships over romantic ones as the central focus. obviously there’s shipbait and the ot3 is real and good and my friend but if you’re looking for deep complex platonic, (found or otherwise) familial, and antagonistic relationships that never get ruined with forced romantic arcs, we got em baby!
- the pacing is unlike anything i’ve ever seen before. from a purely technical standpoint, it is genuinely a fascinating case study in how to execute a narrative that is almost constantly escalating without exception. there is very little downtime or breathing room in orv, which is insane for something that clocks in at over a million words, and somehow, it still works. i’ve never felt more like a frog in a pot of slowly boiling water than i did when i was reading orv and i can’t believe they pulled it off. it’s so interesting to read something like that.
- it is a tragedy without resorting to cynicism and a very adult narrative that’s really steeped in childlike wonder. i’m a big fan of cartoons made for children cartoons made for children are my favorite things to watch because i like media that is uplifting and encouraging. but of course children’s media will always be simplified and not very relatable to an adult. orv is very much a serious and heavy adult narrative, and a deeply tragic one at that, but this is never tragedy for tragedy’s sake. it’s a very compassionate piece of media over all, that holds a lot of reverence and sympathy for the ‘naive’ optimism of children that gets stripped down over time. if you, like me, feel more like a grown up child than an adult someday, i think it’ll hit for you.
- if you are a person who has ever gotten deeply involved in media to ignore bad things happening in the real world, which i know you are because you are reading my tumblr blog, then there is going to be a lot about orv which resonates for you. a lot of metanarrative has attempted to comment on the voyeuristic nature of media obsession and storytelling, but a lot of it does so in a bizarre way that almost seems to shame the audience for having the audacity to... enjoy the product the creators have produced for them. orv is what i can only describe as a love-letter to its own audience, and it’s really a manifesto about how engagement with media can foster genuine human intimacy, even if initially it’s something you’re using as a crutch to replace that intimacy. the closest thing to orv’s metanarrative i can think of would be undertale. if undertale made you Feel some Things, orv is gonna make you Feel some Things as well.
- it is extremely cathartic and meaningful. i am not exaggerating at all when i say that reading it gave me the closest thing i have ever felt to any sort of spiritual breakthrough. it helped unfuck my head a ton during some very grim times and i think the perspective it offers on the value of human life is a really really good one
- its really funny i promise
- its cringe in a way that’s hype
- please read orv please not even for me do it for yourself i want you to experience what i experienced for YOUR sake not mine
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I'm Gonna Crawl: Post 2
Post 1
Summary: Five years. That's how long the reader and Bucky have been apart (although for him, it was only five minutes) Now with Thanos defeated and both of them taking up the mantle of Avengers, can their relationship return to what it was? Or will they have to discover a new normal?
Pairings: Bucky Barnes x fem! enhanced! super-soldier! Reader (Reader can see pieces of the future in visions as well as speak every language)
Warnings: Angst, fluff, language, smut (IF YOU ARE UNDER EIGHTEEN, DON'T READ!!!)
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One of the perks of being “enhanced” or in this case, a super soldier, is that you heal quickly. Within seventy-two hours, the bullet wound in his leg (not to mention the cut and black eye he sustained from several sharp blows to the face) and her matching one in the shoulder are almost completely healed, only a vague pink mark to show they were ever injured. The downside is-
“Do you want to punch sandbags until they fly off the hook, or run thirty miles around the compound first? I’ll start with whichever you don’t pick.” -they’re back to training as well.
He almost answers that he really doesn’t want to do either, it’s Sunday morning, for fuck’s sake, but it’s not like this is her first choice for what she could be doing this morning either, so he goes with-
“Punching things first. Think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, so I’d best get it out of my system.” She nods and, squeezing his arm, takes off at a jog.
“See you on the other side.”
His instinct is to tell her to take it easy, she lost a lot of blood the other day and who knows if there’s been some bone or muscular damage that hasn’t quite fixed itself yet, but again, he swallows it down and focuses on the task at hand. Namely, taking out his bad mood on a punching bag.
Usually, when his body is in motion, his mind is at least somewhat at rest, but this time around, the exertion is just adding fuel to the flames. He’s too pissed off to just zone out and concentrate on hitting the target, still too busy trying to process what the hell happened three nights ago.
It was their first mission together. She’s been on a few separate from him, and he and Sam get called out together on the regular. Stupidly, he assumed that, since her specialty is translating or gathering intel, maybe being the little voice in someone’s ear to direct them through a maze of assailants and twisting corridors her visions had allowed her a glimpse of ahead of time, she’d be out of the line of fire. At the very least, most of the attention would be on him and Sam. But no, she was the bogey. She drew fire while he waltzed through a military fortress, recapturing stolen tech. When Rhodey so much as mentioned that possibility, he should’ve told him no, hard no. If anyone’s drawing fire, it’s him. Still, in his arrogance, he assumed it wouldn’t come to that extreme. Sam’s good at his job, and as much as he hates the reason behind it, so is he. They should’ve been able to hold the line without her painting a target on her back.
That, of course leads to yet another issue. He’s also pissed at himself for instinctively seeing her as more fragile, something that needs to be protected. Even before the same chemicals running through his veins infected her, she’d proven that she’s a damn capable person. He knows that she’s smart, both strategically and academically. Add onto that the fact that she’s fast and strong, not to mention she has visions (less than helpful ones most of the time, but they have their moments), and she’s a powerful ally. He certainly wouldn’t want to be on her bad side. And yet, when he saw that she’d been hit, his mind completely emptied. He wouldn’t have been able to remember which end of a gun to use if his life depended on it, because all he could think was, “Oh god. She’s hurt.” It’s old-fashioned, outdated. He should be past this mindset, at least when it comes to work. Out there, she’s his fellow soldier, not the woman he lies awake next to in bed, sometimes for hours, just to listen to her breath and know he’s not alone. Did Steve ever put Peggy in that box, he wonders? No, of course not, because Steve’s a better man than he ever was or will ever be. So yeah, he’s pissed off at himself.
And finally, although he can barely admit it to his own mind, he’s pissed off at her. Logically he knows it’s mostly fear, some primal instinct to protect what’s his, but every time he imagines her being shot, having a bullet pass by her lungs and arteries by a very narrow margin, and then telling Sam not to let him know that she was hit, it irks him. Did she think he’d come unhinged? Screw up? Or is she stuck in the mindset she seems to have adopted as a response to the last five years of “Screw looking after myself. It doesn’t matter.” A small part of him realizes that he didn’t call in either when he took a bullet, but that’s him! And, now he’s circling back to guilt for treating her like she’s weak.
All in all, he’s so damn furious that he doesn’t realize he’s no longer alone until she grabs hold of his arm just as he goes to swing again.
“Jesus, Bucky. I know you’re grouchy, but don’t you think destroying five punching bags in thirty minutes is enough? Save some aggression for the run.”
He looks up to tell her something (I’m sorry? Damn right I’m grouchy? Let me take you home and wrap you in blankets so that nothing will ever hurt you again?) and catches sight of her sweat-soaked face. He hates how far she takes things with the running. It’s like she’s trying to see what the limits are, how much she can punish her body before it gives out and she drops. That’s what it was in the very beginning after the snap. She’s told him that. Now he wonders if she’s really as recovered from everything that’s happened as she claims.
“Have you had anything to drink? Water, or-” She groans and reaches to detach the punching bag (there’s a decent sized rip in it where he was hitting it over and over), making her shirt ride up. Her clothes were already so tight that just seeing her out of the corner of his eye was making it hard to think, but now they’re completely adhered to her in a way that’s nearly obscene thanks to all the sweat. Dammit. Think about something else. He needs to think about something else.
“Yes, I’m on my second water bottle, thank you Barnes. I’m not stupid, you know.”
“Just self-destructive.” It slips out before he can stuff it down. Her mouth falls open in shock momentarily, but then she squares her shoulders and looks him directly in the eyes.
“You’re one to talk. Always running straight towards the fire instead of putting it out first.”
“That’s my job.”
“It’s your hangup.” She laughs bitterly. “Bucky Barnes, the big, bad Winter Soldier. You’ve decided you’re so fucked up that the only way you can make amends is to run headlong towards whatever’s trying to kill you, without backup I might add, and keep to your mission no matter what your personal damage is.”
“Says the woman who took a bullet and stopped Sam from announcing that you’re hit.” They’re teetering closer and closer to a fight with every nearly snarled word, but he’s powerless to stop it. In fact, he’s ready to go. Have it out. But not right now, because-
“Hey.” He catches her arm just as she starts to hoist another punching bag onto the hook. “Be careful! You’re still healing.” -she’s hellbent on hurting herself. Again.
She whirls around as if he’s slapped her.
“Oh my god. You have to stop.”
“Stop what?”
“Stop treating me like I’m going to break!” Her voice is shrill, rising higher and higher with each syllable. “I love you, but you are driving me insane. I am not your child-”
“No, you’re the person I want to marry!” He takes a deep breath, preparing to follow up with, “-and you keep acting like you have a death wish”, but before he can-
“You won’t even fuck me anymore!” Immediately, her eyes go wide and she slaps a hand over her mouth.
If her declaration surprised her, it absolutely stunned him so, not quite sure what else to do, he takes a few steps back and sits down. A few seconds pass before she approaches and, with a heavy sigh, sinks down next to him.
“Bucky, I am so sorry. I don’t know where any of this is coming from-”
“I think you do, Doll.” Her eyes dart nervously between his face and the floor. On instinct, he reaches over and takes her hand. “And so do I.” He takes a few moments to rearrange his thoughts before pushing ahead. “A lot has changed since-”
“The world ended. We lost. And then we won.” He nods.
“Yeah, and I don’t think either of us have quite wrapped our heads around it. I know I haven’t.”
It’s silent for a moment, and then, voice trembling, she tells him,
“After you went away, I was completely lost. Didn’t know why I had to stay. What kind of cruel trick is it, just when everything was starting to go right-” He finally had the poison of HYDRA sucked out of him, she’d found a safe place where she didn’t have to run and hide because of something she was born with, he’d worked up the nerve to ask her if she’d maybe one day be his wife. “-and then it’s wiped out? You finally went somewhere I couldn’t follow.” He still can’t imagine what those five years must’ve been like, not just for her, but everyone else who survived the snap. “I didn’t want to keep going. But I had to.” She chuckles. “Steve wouldn’t let me throw in the towel.”
A smile forms on his own face. “Yeah, he had a habit of doing that.”
“I guess…” She sighs. “I don’t know. I got harder, rougher around the edges. I thought I could just go back to normal once everyone came back-”
“But old habits die hard.” It’s not a question, but she nods.
“Yeah, and as much as I chip away at it, I’m not sure I’ll ever get back to who I was before.”
“You won’t.” She peers up at him, eyes wide in shock, maybe a hint of sadness. “I can tell you that right now from experience. You won’t go back, but-” He’s had a lot of time to consider this, so he can say it and absolutely believe it. “-I love the girl that’s here now. She’s pretty amazing, rough edges and all.”
She’s sitting so close. He could pull her into his lap, just hold her for a minute. So, that’s what he does, and just like the first time, they fit together perfectly, like she was made to fit in his arms, or maybe he was made to hold her. Either way, it leaves no doubt in his mind that they belong together.
“You changed. Everyone does. You got stronger and tougher, because that’s who you had to be. And I wasn’t there to change with you.” He can feel her shoulders shake, and even though she’s facing away from him, he knows she’s fighting back tears. “But I’m gonna catch up. It’s just taking me a while to get it through my thick skull that my girl’s a badass, and I need to ease off the bodyguard routine a little.” There. That’s more like it. A laugh, even if it’s a small one. “I just worry about you, is all. I don’t know how to stop it, and I’m not sure I can, but I’m working on it.”
“I worry about you too, you know.” She sniffs, swiping at her nose with her hand. “I’m fucking terrified because, now that I’m like you, I know what your limits are. I’m scared you’ll forget them, or you’ll ignore them because you’re trying to be a good man.” She cranes her head, meeting his gaze. “But you are a good man, Bucky Barnes. You never stopped being one, no matter what you think.”
“I think your picture of me might be more flattering than who I really am.”
“Shut up.” She presses her palm over his mouth. “I have visions, so seeing is never my problem. And it’s not the way I’m picturing you. We’ve known each other long enough for the shine to wear off.” Never. It’ll never be possible for him to know her so long that she’s not absolutely golden from where he’s standing. “It’s who you’ve shown me you are. And if the rest of the world doesn’t see it, that’s their problem. Not yours.”
He’s not sure if he buys all that, but it’s enough that she does. She sees him as that man, so he’ll try every day of his life to be just that.
“Come on.” Gently pushing her off of him, he stands and offers her his hand. “That’s enough training for today. We’re still wounded.”
She chuckles. “Is that your excuse for calling it early?”
He nods, barely suppressing a grin. “That, and you’ve gotta change into something that doesn’t fit you like a second skin before my brain permanently short-circuits.”
“Showers, then?”
“Showers.”
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The compound sustained heavy damage thanks to Thanos crashing a ship into it, but in the past few months (helped along by Pepper’s billions and the entire galaxy’s appreciation towards the Avengers in equal parts), enough repairs have been done to make it partially usable. In this case, the locker room. Just the one, though. Which, of course means co-ed showers.
She won’t admit it, but she’s particularly appreciative of that little detail today. As she circled the compound on her last lap, she saw that the only two cars there are hers and Barnes. They’re the only two people here, and she fully intends to use that to her advantage.
“Join me? I don’t want to overextend my shoulder trying to wash my hair or back.” It’s a blatant lie, and from his expression, she can tell that he knows it too. But, he nods.
“Yeah, doll. I can do that.” Part one of the plan has been executed beautifully. Onward to part two.
She purposely leaves the travel sized bottles of shampoo and body wash on the floor so that, after rinsing off for far longer than is really necessary, she has to bend over to retrieve them. If it weren’t for her enhanced hearing, she’d completely miss the sharp intake of breath in response to her little show, but she catches it and can’t help grinning to herself. Part two: get him as worked up as she is. So far, so good.
The feeling of his fingers massaging her scalp, working the shampoo through her hair, is almost enough to make her forget that she’s a woman on a mission. Almost. As soon as she’s rinsed the soap out of her face, she turns to him.
“Your turn. Bend.” It’s not the first time they’ve done this, and as always, she has to fight back a laugh as he inclines his head towards her, the entirety of his hair falling forward to cover his face. “This used to take a lot longer before you decided to chop it all off.” He chuckles, eyes closed against the soap.
“What can I say? Seventy-three years without a haircut is my limit.” She can’t blame him, and although it was a shock at first, she’s come to like this new look. It makes him look…younger, somehow. More boyish. Like his life hasn’t contained as many horrors as they both know full well it has.
“You checking for lice or something?”
“Huh?” That jerks her out of her sentimental daze. “Looks like you’re clear.”
There’s no way to put it politely. She’s straight up ogling him as he rinses off. Five damn years…
“Ready to get your back?” And, she just got caught staring.
“Sure.”
His hands are gentle, putting as little pressure on her injured shoulder as possible, growing firmer as they work down her back. She holds her breath as she feels his palms ghost over the swell of her ass, but then he’s back to safer territory. At least, that’s what she thinks until the metal arm snakes around her chest, just below her breasts, holding her in place. His free hand runs down from her sternum to her middle, stopping just above her hips, then- fuck. Nothing. He’s backing away.
“Do you need help with your legs?” No, what she needs help with is located between them. Suddenly, the shower feels far too hot, and she’s desperate to cool off.
“That’s okay.” Her voice is shaky, and she mentally berates herself as she steps under the spray, rinsing away the soap.
She’s not at all sure that her excuse for leaving the shower and going to towel off made any sense, but with a few feet between them, she’s able to breath again. Alright, scratch the whole “shower seduction” idea. It wasn’t that great to begin with. She gets him as hot and bothered as she is, and then what? Shower sex is a slippery affair, and plus there’s the height difference… in the steamed up mirror, she catches sight of him climbing out of the shower and toweling off. Fuck it. What does she have to lose?
“Come here.” As he turns around, she hops up on the counter top (thank fuck Stark went all out and got the sinks that can easily hold the weight of an adult), allowing her towel to slip further down her chest.
She doesn’t miss the way his eyes flit down to her cleavage before settling back on her face as he stands in front of her.
“Yeah, Doll?”
“Let me get your hair. You’ll never get it dry yourself.” She’s really running low on excuses, but if she plays her cards right, she won’t have to keep up this ruse for much longer.
“You know-” She murmurs against his ear as she starts working a towel over his tousled locks, “-if you don’t take me right now, I’m gonna be really offended.”
His head snaps up, and she nearly drops the towel.
“Well, I can’t let that happen, can I?”
She has a smart-ass remark all planned out, but then his lips are pressed against hers, hard, insistent, and her brain completely empties of anything other than pure need. She’s not completely sure how, but somehow the towel wrapped around her torso (it’s so short, it didn’t even cover her ass sitting down) disappears, leaving them chest to chest, both still slightly damp from the shower. On instinct, her legs wrap around his back, bringing them so close together she can feel his cock twitch against her thigh.
“The floor, or-” It’s murmured against her ear between nibbles.
“No. Here.” It’s all she can do to hold back a moan as his whole body rumbles with quiet laughter.
“Someone’s eager.”
She leans back far enough to peer into his eyes.
“And you’re not?” The response is a thumb against her clit, and she has to bite down hard on his shoulder to muffle a yelp.
“If I’d known you were ready, you wouldn’t have gotten any sleep for the past two months.” That would’ve been a very small price to pay.
Five years is a long time, and her body tenses up at the intrusion of his finger inside of her, but she immediately forces her muscles to relax, and within seconds, it’s all she can do not to writhe against him.
“That’s it. Relax. I’ll take care of you.” It’s a lost cause. This is going to be noisy. She hazily thinks to herself that it’s all his fault.
He’s always been one for foreplay, making sure she’ll be comfortable once they actually get around to the main event, but finally enough is enough and, reaching between them, she stills his wrist.
“Get inside me.”
“Are you sure? You’re still tight-” Disentangling one of her arms from around his neck, she gives his hair a sharp tug.
“I’m like you now, remember? You’re not going to break me.”
He pulls back from her, hesitating, eyes darting between her face and the door.
“What?”
“I don’t have-” Oh. She quickly runs the calculations in her head. Given which day of the month it is, the likelihood would be-
“It’ll be fine. Just pull out.” To her relief, he doesn’t argue.
Her breath catches as he pushes inside of her, and if the panting against her neck is anything to judge from, she’s not the only one affected.
“It’s been too damn long.” Despite the situation (or perhaps because of it), she laughs breathlessly.
“You think it’s been too long? Try five fucking years!” His laugh tickles her neck.
“You’re never gonna stop using that one, are you?”
“Nope. I think I’ve earned the right.” After all, he constantly reminds her that he had to wait 98 years to meet the love of his life, so fair is fair.
“Then I guess I’ll just have to make it up to you.”
“Sounds like you just set yourself a challenge.”
“Guess I’d better get to work then.” As he says it, he pulls nearly all the way out only to slam back in again.
It’s primal, the way their bodies move together, desperate for a connection that’s been missing for so long. There’s no room or need for words to be spoken; their gasped breaths and strangled moans say it all. His hand sneaks between them, toying with her nub, and that’s what sends her over the edge. It’s the tipping point for him too because, muffling his cries against her shoulder, he pulls out just in time.
“We shoulda done that before the shower.” She’s still gasping for breath, but it forces a laugh from her. He follows suit, offering her a spare towel to clean herself up.
“You’ve been holding out on me, Barnes.” He shoots her a questioning look as she hops down on shaky legs. “I thought it was good before, but damn.”
He laughs, pulling on his jeans. “I didn’t want to risk breaking the bed. I’m a gentleman like that.” She knows the real concern was her safety, but if she concentrates on that too hard, she’ll start going mushy, and in this instance, crying after sex seems like it would kill the mood.
“You know-” She pulls her t shirt over her head, not bothering with a bra. “-I never really liked the bed I have now anyway.” It’s also really too small for two full-grown adults to share comfortably.
Sliding his duffle bag over his shoulder, he takes her hand. “Then maybe we should go home? Give you an excuse to get a new one?” Before she can answer-
“Go home. Please, I’m begging you, for the love of god, go.” Her eyes dart towards the source of the noise. The door, or more specifically, the other side of it. “Hearing you and the bionic man fucking once was enough. I’m gonna shoot you both and then myself if I have to listen to round two.”
Bucky catches her eye and mouths “Oops!”, sending her into a fit of giggles.
“You know Sam, you could’ve just walked away. You didn’t have to wait outside the door like a creep.” She has to bite her fist to keep from laughing out loud.
“Yeah, trust me. I could hear you from all the way down the hall.”
“Sorry.” She gasps it out between bouts of laughter, and she must be pulling a funny face, because he snickers to.
“No, you’re not.” No, she really isn’t. Just that they got caught.
“We’re heading out. You’ve got the place to yourself.” Giving his hand a tug, she pulls open the door, revealing a flustered Sam.
“I hope you remembered to wipe down the counter, you nasties!”
As they make their way down the corridor, Bucky calls out,
“See you Monday?”
“Yeah. And you’d better be wearing pants!”
#marvel#captain america#the winter soldier#bucky x reader#bucky fic#bucky x y/n#bucky barnes#post endgame#smut#part 2
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0 Posts in 2020
You’d think that I’d have something Very Profound to say about the interactions between the pandemic and poly, but it turns out I haven’t wanted to write about that subject very much at all. I won’t say that the pandemic has sucked all the inspiration from my brain, just that it has shuffled inspiration around in unexpected ways and away from writing.
The pandemic has felt like it’s pressed the pause button on my poly life. My husband (M) can’t go out on dates because OTHER PEOPLE ARE DANGEROUS. I also can’t go out on dates for the same reason, but moreover, I choose not to go on dates because I’m just So Damn Exhausted. I’ve seen my boyfriend (Crow) only three times this year: once before the pandemic and twice since, and that’s only possible because his house has this large porch where we can do social distancing outside. I haven’t kissed him since January and I’ve only hugged him once, masks on and faces turned away, and I held my breath the whole time. I haven’t had sex with anyone in over a year, and I can’t even “blame” that on the pandemic. It’s a choice. Guess I’ve gone full asexual, and I say “guess” because, while asexual is an accurate descriptor, I still don’t feel really great about adopting that as a personal identity. I’m not even upset about the no sex part though. I’m happy about it. My Magic Wand knows exactly what I want and all the nuances of my body and it’s much less painful than skin on skin.
The pandemic is NOT a good thing. It is NOT a good thing that millions of people have died, and it is NOT a good thing that we as a community are touch-starved and relationship-starved and can’t seem to figure our shit out.
That said.
I’m going to be honest. It has felt nice not having to worry, poly-wise. I hate that that’s a thing that I feel, but this blog is and has always meant to be about honesty. It feels like a relief knowing that I am not going to be in a situation where I have to watch my husband drunkenly and sloppily hit on other women at parties that we are meant to both enjoy. It feels like a relief knowing that he isn’t going to tell me, “I’m going to meet someone that I’ve been talking to on Tinder”, that the bomb isn’t going to fall on me. Because that’s what it is. “I came in like a wrecking ball.” The fear that someone else will enter our lives - my life - and I’ll have no control over it, and I’ll hate it, and I’ll lose myself.
I have a lifelong fear of being replaced. Of being “not good enough”. I hesitate to call it a fear of being unlovable, because I’ve never doubted that people love me and like me. I think they do. But the fear is that, when my needs butt up against someone else’s, theirs will always win. As a child, my parents taught me all about caring for other people, being generous, being self sacrificing, being kind. They immigrated to the US from England a few years before I was born, and as a result, I was brought up with a European mindset (others before yourself) in an American environment (look out for number one). And, as a result -- even though my parents were extraordinarily caring, even though I was an only child, even though they were generous with their time and attention, even though I had a very happy childhood -- I somehow learned that I would always be second place. Always the one to sleep on the floor at sleepovers so the guest or the host could get the bed. Always the one to get a boring piece of cake so a louder and therefore more deserving child could get the piece with the flower. Petty shit like that that translated into real adult problems. Just two nights ago, on New Year’s Eve, I had told my husband I’d wanted us to change the sheets, and as I ascended the stairs to bed I forlornly reminded him that we hadn’t changed the sheets - terrified and fully preparing myself to be let down because he was having a good time at an online New Year’s Eve party and of course that meant that my needs would subside. (They didn’t. The world doesn’t work like that. My husband shows me over and over again that my needs are important to him, and yet I Still Never Learn.)
I can say with full honestly that I am no longer really jealous of my boyfriend and his wife anymore. I used to be, a little. I used to be jealous that he would want to visit her at her shift before he came over for dates, or that he’d want to bring her to casual outings with me, or that at any point the two of them could decide they’d want to move back to San Diego and that would be that. I don’t feel those things anymore. I haven’t for a long time. It’s some sort of consequence of she and I becoming legitimate good friends, plus me and my husband moving an hour away, plus just being too damn old and too damn tired to give shits anymore.
Then again, their relationship was never the kind that was going to prick my skin up and put me on guard. I was the new person, not her. I don’t have a complex about older, more established relationships.
But the idea of my husband finding somebody new, even though our relationship is solid? Sends me into chaos. Even now. I wish I could say that it’s changed in the 5 years since we opened things up, but it hasn’t. It hasn’t really at all.
I’d wanted this blog to document my journey from new to seasoned poly, from a jealous wreck to someone who had learned to love herself and meditate through the pain. That’s not what happened. I’m not sure if it’s ever going to happen. My husband hasn’t had enough actual relationships to give me practice experiencing the very discomfort that makes me want to scream until my insides explode out, and the few times it has happened, I felt like I was living in a shock chamber and turning into the kind of person I don’t want to be.
I wanted to evolve, for the sake of my readers, into someone who fully accepts a poly lifestyle. To show that it can be done. No -- to show, specifically, that I could do it, that I could logic and reason my way through all the shit and prove myself to be better than my jealousy. I don’t think that’s what’s going to end up happening. I think it’s no secret at this point that I don’t really love this whole poly thing. I am still actively choosing it, but not always for reasons that I endorse. What if I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore? Would I lose my husband? Would I lose my boyfriend? Could I ethically give up my relationship with my boyfriend to create monogamy with my husband? Could I ethically ask my husband not to go on dates while I still retain my relationship with my boyfriend? It’s all shit, really. None of it is a good outcome. And the pandemic has allowed me to stall my non-decisions for a year because it’s not like we can see other people anyway. And isn’t it great when some external force gives you a reprieve from the things you’re afraid of.
But while the pandemic has put my poly life on pause, it’s put my healing and growth around poly stuff on pause as well. Sure, it feels fucking great on the surface, but it’s not actual growth. I’m not forever in a place where I will feel secure. It’s going to end eventually (vaccinate me, babyyyyyyyy!!!), and the parties will start again, and the dates will start again, and my terrified introvert ass is afraid that everything collectively will swing in the opposite direction super hard. Free love! Casual sex everywhere! Everyone wants to hang out all the time! How could you possibly want to be alone at a time like this! And that fear extends beyond poly stuff and beyond just me and my husband - I’m not ready for the world to become a giant party. I don’t want that world. I don’t want to live in that world but I also don’t want to miss out on the collective bonding experience that is almost sure to come from the end of Covid. So the reprieve I’m feeling now is only surface level great because it’s a pause, not an end, and I don’t feel any more equipped to deal with my jealousy and my social anxiety and my feelings of not being good enough than I did at the beginning of this damn pandemic.
Part of me wishes I could “get over my shit”, and part of me wants to cling onto my shit and defend it. Like why am I the one who has to change, why am I the one who has to evolve, what’s wrong with feeling the way I feel? Why is this a “my shit” thing, like I’m alone and all my problems are caused by my own feelings? Why do other people NeEeEeEeEd to go on dates and have sex. Why does my husband need that. Why am I not good enough. Why is the problem that I feel jealousy and insecurity; why is the problem not that he feels [insert whatever he feels here. unsatisfied? no, that’s not it. incapable of being fully satisfied by a single person? that seems extreme. incapable of surrounding himself with platonic friendships in the way that comes so naturally to me and many of my women friends, and much more able to connect with people he is in a romantic/sexual relationship with, and so needs to create many romantic/sexual relationships to fill that void that otherwise would be filled with friendships - which is not actually something I believe about him, I think he could make really great friendships with the right tools, but is something he’s expressed to me and is also something that’s pretty common around people raised as men? is that too harsh?]
I’m trying to look for a good ending for this post, but, like an explanation for my feelings, I don’t think I’m going to find satisfaction here.
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Side With The Height
Authors note: lmao I was supposed to post this basically years ago :/ (more like a month ago) but I got so self conscious about it and wasn't going to finish it... so before I regret posting this lol just know I had fun writing and there are probably grammar mistakes. I truly don’t know if this is going to be a chaptered thing but enjoy anyway! If you have any questions please let me know! and if you wanna be tagged for some reason let me know(?)
words: 3861
pairings: Eventual prinxiety, eventual logicality, Platonic demus
summary: Virgil wakes up in washington heights, the place where he's lived as long as he can remember. He goes through his usual day and we see a glimpse into his mind.
warnings: A lot of Spanglish (mix in between Spanish and English) is used, let me know if I missed anything
“ Lights up on Washington Heights”
Up at the break of day ”
Virgil woke up a tad bit late, which mind you was something very rare, still on time to open the bodega though he was almost always the first one up anyway. Watching the Barrio wake up after he was wide awake and ready to start his day, it made him feel like he was seeing the world from an outsider perspective but for once being the outsider was something good.
“ I wake up and I got this little punk I gotta chase away ”
He walked towards the bodega, one of the few things he still had from his parents and- Wait is that Remus? wait wait wait- is he about to spray paint the bodega?! His internal monologue was rudely interrupted, He bolted towards Remus, “what are the fuck are you doing?!” Remus wasn't a genius, but he could definitely tell that Virgil was pissed and he decide his best option was to run off to god knows where, he was a little worried that Virgil would run after him, but he still tried to look calm while leaving but was definitely failing miserably.
“ Pop the grate at the crack of dawn ”
Virgil knew how Remus was, he and Dee hung out a lot, (if it were up to Virgil he most definitely would not be, but he can’t monitor Dee all the time) But he never thought Remus would ever dare try to spray paint the bodega! “I guess you can’t trust people” he said under his breath while pulling up the metal grate covering his corner store.
“ Sing while I wipe down the awning
Hey y'all good morning ”
Virgil saw the piraguero, Emile, and had a short conversation with him. “Ice cold piragua. Parcha, china, cherry, strawberry, and just for today I got Mamey!” Emile said, he said it every morning so Virgil had most of it memorized by then and mouthed the words as he said them, “Oye piraguero Como esta? " Virgil asked, he didn't personally like small talk, but there was a few exceptions, “Como siempre señor Virgilio!” Emile winked. Virgil didn't hate his name or anything, his parents gave it to him and it had a story behind it, he just liked its “translation” into English a little better, when he was a kid, a few of his classmates had issues saying his name, and he didn't really like that, so he decided to use the name one of his teachers called him. He entered the store relaxed and involuntarily continued his internal monologue. Virgil enjoyed singing...when he was alone in the bodega...at an ungodly hour... before everyone was awake and bustling through the door, before anyone could judge him really, but deep down he knew nobody here would ever do that, everyone around him either saw him growing up or grew up with him, but anxiety won't stop pestering will it?
“ I am Usnavi and you prob'ly never heard my name
Reports of my fame are greatly exaggerated
Exacerbated by the fact that my syntax is highly complicated cause
I emigrated from the single greatest little place in the Caribbean
Dominican-
Republic ”
It didn't matter that Virgil was from this small tropical island in the Caribbean he still probably was the palest person in the barrio, and you couldn't really blame him, he was always working, trying to make ends meet, so he almost never went out, plus he moved to the barrio when he was a child, so he never got to really experience that Dominican heat, and those stunning sun beams crashing over one's skin through the palm trees while feeling the sand as he walked through one of its many beaches- anyway...he’s always lived in the barrio so, it’s not like he doesn’t have his culture with him, since there are other Latinos all around him, but he wants to one day experience all these things and not just day dream about experiencing his country with the only reference of that majestic place being stories Abuela had told him.
“ I love it
Jesus, I'm jealous of it
And beyond that
Ever since my folks passed on I haven't gone back
Goddamn,
I gotta get home then ”
In case you hadn’t noticed, Virgil Loved his country and culture very dearly, and he took pride in it, sometimes when Abuela Carmen told him stories about his home country, he got a weird feeling, He was most definitely grateful that Abuela took her time to tell him in detail all these stories, so he could imagine what living there must be like, but he couldn’t put a finger on what this feeling was, jealousy? Maybe. Longing? Probably. Resentment? Possibly. Desire? Who knows. He wasn’t sure, the only thing he knew for a fact was that this feeling made him wonder what would have happened if his parent just stayed in the sunny bliss that is his country, and having such a thought made him feel guilty so, he tried not to dawn it for too long, and told himself that one day he would have enough money to go and live there for the rest of his days (a few years maybe? No, he wanted this) and experience his country...but he could also come back settle down, help Dee, so he can fend for himself, and maybe start dating, he could always try to ask R-
“ I'm gonna test ya later
I'm getting tested times are tough on this bodega
Two months ago somebody bought Ortega's Our
Neighbors started packin' up and pickin' up
And ever since the rent's went up
It's gotten mad expensive
But we live with just enough”
He had to cut that train of thought quickly, he couldn't be day dreaming about impossible scenarios when rush hour was coming, and everyone would be awake heading for work and would pass through his bodega and get his world- well barrio famous café con leche, but he had no idea what he would do today since the fridge decided to stop working, and he had started to panic a little, thank god for Abuela because he would have gone into full panic mode if it weren’t for her walking in, “Mijo what's wrong? You look stressed.” she always knew when something was wrong, “Ay, abuela my fridge broke... I got café but no con leche” he tried not to sound too disheartened and worried as not to raise any worry, “try mother’s old recipe, one can of condensed milk!” that was all she had to say, and he was instantly calmer, but it wouldn’t be Abuela if she didn’t end it with “Paciencia Y Fe!” she said it as she exited the store. She may not be his real grandma, but he certainly loved her as if she was his grandmother, hell mother even! She practically raised him for god’s sake!
“ In the heights
I can't survive without café
I serve café
Cuz tonight seems like a million years away!
En Washington—”
Then and there the barrio came alive in a matter of milliseconds and everyone was rushing through the streets, and the cars were honking, and everything lit up as if from a scene in a movie. He liked how he always knew who to expect at what time, it was comforting to have routine, and he guessed other people agreed with him because they were always on time, First up was the Rosario’s, they run the cab company down the street, Even, so they struggle in the barrio, their son Patton is off to college and tuition is ridiculously expensive so, everything they get is mad cheap. Virgil always knew everyone's usual, and the Rosario’s were no exception, “Good Morning virgiiiiiil” Larry’s singsong voice sliced through his thoughts, he automatically started gathering his usual,“Pan caliente, Café con leche” he said as he put the items in the counter, “put twenty dollars on today’s lottery” Larry said with a smile on his face, before Virgil could do anything Dot’s voice came through “ one ticket that’s it!” she said with a stern tone, her eyes still pretty playful, “hey!, a man’s got a dream...” she rolled her eyes and turned to Virgil “don't mind him he's all excited ‘cuz Patton flew in at three am last night” she was smiling warmly while thinking of her son, Larry’s voice caught her attention, and she looked up “don’t look at me, this ones been cooking all week” he said while making a gesture with his thumb in her direction, she rolled her eyes, “Virgil come over for dinner there's plenty to eat!” they took the bag off the counter and left the store.
“ Me and my cousin runnin' just another
Dime-a-dozen
Mom-and-pop stop-and-shop
And, oh my god,
It's gotten too darn hot like my man Cole Porter said
People come
Through for a few cold waters and
A lottery ticket,
Just a part of the routine ”
He sees Dee trying to sneak past and obviously failing, “Dante you’re late” Virgil tries to say it in a stern voice, “chillax you know you love me.” Dee smirked and got to work, Virgil couldn't hold back the smile any longer, he just sighed and started warming up for the real rush hour coming, there was going to be multiple people talking to him at once and even if he finally had Dee to help, he knew the both wouldn't be enough, but after years of this being his job, he knows how to handle many people talking to him at once and keep in mind these are Latino people, which meant there was several people talking to him at once but at twice the speed of a normal human conversation, and if they were on a rush make it four times as fast.
“ Everybody's got a job;
Everybody's got a dream
They gossip,
As I sip my coffee and smirk
The first stop as people hop to work ”
The last people to come before rush hour were Remy and Valerie work on the salon next door, and as always Remy was telling Val about the new chisme, and Virgil couldn't help but eavesdrop, it was his bodega after all, so he had to have some sort of right to do so, plus it wasn't like he tried to hide the fact that he was listening, if something surprised him it, he wouldn't try to stifle a gasp, but he never got to hear the gossip from the beginning, so he had to try to piece it together and sometime he didn't even get to hear the end, he started preparing their usual orders as he listened, “so, then Yesenia walks in the room” “ah ha” she smells sex, and cheap perfume” “uh oh”, “it smells like one of those reeves that you hang from the rearview” Valerie didn't really add much to the story just her random reactions to show she was listening, “haha no!,” “its true! She screams ‘who's in there with you Julio!’ grabs a bat and quick in me’ door…” Virgil started piecing some things together, they were talking about Yesenia getting cheated on, Julio probably had cheated on her with some gir-” he's in bed with José from the liquor store!” well that was a twist! Virgil couldn't help what he said next, “No me diga!” he and Valerie said it in perfect sync, he hands them their respective coffees, and they both say a simple, “thanks Virgil!”
“ Bust it— I'm like— One dollar, two
Dollars, one fifty, one sixty-nine I got it
You want a box of condoms what kind?
That's two quarters Two quarter waters
The New York Times
You need a bag for that?
The tax is added ”
It was finally time, the long awaited rush hour, people were asking him the cost of things, where things were located, he even got some surprising questions, but he couldn't even stop and dawn on it for too long because he had a few people asking him questions, and he didn't want an angry mob of Latinos forming this early in the day, there was a few people here and there that came for only coffee but at this time people usually came to look for stuff that they needed like a few groceries or toiletries but this was for sure the most stressful part of the day, but it wasn't as bad as you might think.
“ Once you get some practice at it
You do rapid
Mathematics automatically
Sellin' maxipads and fuzzy dice for taxicabs and practically
Everybody's stressed, yes,
But they press through the mess
Bounce checks and wonder what's next ”
Virgil was used to this, he had this jump of adrenaline in his day-to-day life, and his need to make everyone complacent as they left his small bodega made him work extra hard, it was almost over though and the only way to truly know it was over was once Logan walked through that door, he and Dante would never tell Logan how happy, and relieved they were any time He walked in through the bodega door, Virgil was relieved when Logan entered the bodega? Yes, but was he happy? Kind of, since Logan and Dee would team up against him to poke fun at him, most of the time it had to do with Virgil’s love life but what can you do? The funniest thing was when Logan would try to beat Virgil to say what he usually got but Virgil was just faster and knew all of it by heart so, he always won, which frustrated Logan which in turn made him feel a little better when Logan and Dee bothered him about his love life, it wasn't something he liked to talk about so in turn he couldn't really argue with them about it, so he just tried to shut them up quickly especially since Roman was always the one to come after Logan, but he was usually distracted with something so even if they were talking about it, he wouldn't notice since Logan and Dante would shut up, and see what Virgil would do, now it was just time to wait for Logan to arrive, so he and Dee would be able to take a break.
“ In the heights I buy my coffee and I go
I buy my coffee and—
Set my sights
On only what I need to know
What I need to know—
In the heights Money is tight
But even so—
Even so—
When the lights go down I blast my radio!
En Washington “
The man of the hour walked through the door, Logan saw Virgil and Dante release A breath they were holding, he smirked, Virgil knew what that meant, his challenge for the day, try to beat Virgil to say what he wanted, mission impossible , Logan always tried to throw Virgil off guard with a tease, it never worked. “ you ain't got no skills!” Virgil smiled, this ought to be fun , “Logan!” virgil let logan start saying his order so then he could annoy Logan by interrupting him, “Yo, let me get a-” “milky way” he said as he put it on the counter, “ yeah, let me also get a-”, “daily news” virgil knew he was starting to get on his nerves once saw the way he looked at the paper on the counter, “ and a-” “post” virgil just smirked, logan’s smile was faltering, “And most important, my-” “ Boss’ second coffee, one cream-” LOgan always came for Mr. Rosario’s second coffee, he didn't really drink coffee from what virgil knew, “ five sugars” Logan tried to beat Virgil to saying it but they ended up saying it at the same time, dante just rolled his eyes, he knew Virgil would always win but he still cheered logan on. Once logan inevitably failed he tried to show his skills off to prove one day he might get to outsmart Virgil,“I'm the number one earner”, “what?!”, they both knew it was all in good fun, “the fastest learner”
“what?!”, but sometimes virgil would irritate Logan and that's how they would end up with Logan teasing Virgil about him liking Roman, ,“my Boss can't keep me on the damn back burner!” “yes he can” and Dante would be on LOgans team “i'm making moves, i’m making deals, but guess what” “what?” “you still ain't got no skills”, “hardee-har” virgil mocked, “ Yo, Roman Show up yet?” Virgil face was immediately up in flames, “shut up!” “hey little homie, don't get so upset” virgil know what to target on Logan but it was the same viceversa, “man..” he knew he couldn't stop this from happening anyway do he just kind of accepted it, “ Tell Roman how you feel, buy the boy a meal on the real, or you ain't got no skills-”
Logan was interrupted by someone coming in and virgil was thankful for it... until he looked up to see who it was, Roman distractedly talking to the phone so he probably didn't hear any of that (hopefully), “Nooo! No no nooo! No no nooo, no-no-no! Nooo, no-no-no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no-no!” well now virgil was curious to who he was talking to, Roman had always been someone extra and comfortable around everyone in the barrio but to just walk into the bodega while having an apparent important conversation was surprising nonetheless, “Mr. Johnson, I got the security deposit, It’s locked in a box in the bottom of my closet, It’s not reflected in my bank statement, But I’ve been savin’ to make a down payment and pay rent, No, no, I won’t let you down—” Roman made a pause to listen to the person on he other end of the call and Logan took this opportunity to talk “ Yo, here’s your chance; ask him out right now!” Virgil pushed logan to shut him up because Roman was right there and he could hear him! “ I’ll see you later, we can look at that lease!” Roman seemed relieved and a small smile started creeping its way into his face, he still didn't seem fully calm but he looked more at ease.
“Do somethin’, make your move, don’t freeze!” His silent awe towards Roman was interrupted as logan pushed him towards Roman just as he ended the call, so he had no way of escaping the situation, “Hey!” “You owe me a bottle of cold champagne”! Virgil had almost forgotten completely about their bet, the first one to get out of the barrio has to get the other champagne, “ Are you moving?” virgil said it almost as if he were disappointed which was a surprise to himself, “Just a little credit check and I’m on that downtown train!” Roman said it with a smile lighting up his face, Virgil noticed he was staring, adn tried to act fast “ Well, your coffee’s on the house”, “okay!” Roman took the coffee and looked down in a shy way with a small smile , virgil had never seen him like that, “Usnavi, ask him out...” he heard Logan whisper shouting at him and he sincerely hoped that Roman hadn’t heard that, “No way!” Virgil heard Dante say to Benny and that comment kind of offended him, “I’ll see you later, so…” Roman said awkwardly and turned to leave the Bodega. “ Oooh... Smooth operator, aw, damn, there she goes! Yo, bro, take five, take a walk outside! You look exhausted, lost, don’t let life slide! The whole hood is struggling, times are tight And you’re stuck to this corner like a streetlight!” after that Logan took his things and left the bodega.
“Yeah, I'm a streetlight,
Choking on the heat The world spins around while I'm frozen to my
Seat The people that I know all keep on rolling down the street But
Everyday is different so I'm switchin' up the beat Cuz my parents
Came with nothing They got a little more And sure, we're poor, but yo
At least we got the store And it's all about the legacy they left
With me, it's destiny And one day I'll be on a beach with Sonny
Writing checks
to me “
Virgil’s mood dropped as soon as those words came out of Logan’s mouth, he knew Logan didn't mean anything by it but that didn't stop his heart from dropping onto the Floor of his store, this was one of his fears to be stuck with his Bodega and be left behind by everyone else, everyone that cares for him or at least he thinks they- He stopped dead in his tracks, He couldn't be thinking like that, his parents did everything they could before they died to get this corner store and one day he's going to go back to his country just like him(?) and Abuela want and Dante will have a stable life with the income he will get from the store and his life will be bliss.
“ In the heights I hang my flag up on display We
Came to work and to live and we got a lot in
Common It reminds me that I came from miles away D
R., P
R., we are not stoppin'
In the heights
Every day, paciencia y fe
Until the day we go from poverty to stock options
In the heights I've got today
And today's all we got,
So we cannot stop This is our block In the heights I
Hang my flag up on display Lo le lo le lo lai lai lo le!
It reminds me that I came from miles away! “
Virgil can practically hear people's thoughts and dreams circling through the air but to be honest Virgil didn't really hear them...he felt the electric buzzing that came with the streets of the place he was raised. It was one of the many things he liked about his barrio at a quick glance it isn't much just a little place in New York filled with immigrants that have bigger dreams, bigger than themselves and everyone around them… its as if You cant walk through these streets without bumping into somebody's dream.
“ I Hang my flag up on display Lo le lo le lo lai lai lo le!
It reminds me that I came from miles away!
My family came from miles away— In the heights It gets more expensive
Every day Every day And tonight is so far away—
But as for mañana, mi pana Ya gotta just keep watchin'
You'll see the Late nights You'll taste Beans and rice The syrups and
Shaved ice I ain't gonna Say it twice ”
They all knew were they came from, the sunniest places a person could ever go to. They all know the situation that is happening in the barrio , how no one is really here to stay, how this is just a stepping stool towards a bigger dream...but they didn't care. They all will know soon enough what is to come but for now…
“ Turn up the stage lights
We're takin' a flight To a couple
Of days In the life of what it's like
En Washington Heights! ”
----------------------------
@malaya-is-a-hoe I did it sis
#ts prinxiety#logicality#ts logicality#platonic demus#ts roman#ts logan#ts patton#ts virgil#tw virgil#tw deceit#tw roman#tw remus#ts creativity#ts morality#ts logic#ts anxiety#ts deceit#ts demus#ts remus#its really late#im so gonna regret this#prinxiety#demus
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Could you do a character review of Phi?
ф !!!
PHI….BRATTY BASTARD CHILD…
100/10
YOU CAN TELL I LOVE HIM BECAUSE I AM MAD AT HIM. ONLY THINGS YOU CARE ABOUT CAN HURT YOU LIKE HE HAS HURT ME. Phi has inflicted massive damage upon my emotional state. And Hearts’ emotional state too, actually, but I’ll get to that down below [fight stance]
1. Phi confused the hell out of me until yesterday, and 2. I am not surprised that he and Hearts fought so bitterly [..still hurt like a bitch to see just how bad it was, though. Saw the storm coming and STILL wasn’t prepared for the carnage it wrought ;-;] – I could see that, for some reason, the brothers were not working together to begin with. They were never even physically near eachother, never onscreen together.
On the cruise ship, Phi was observing the tournament participants, taking mental notes on all of them for some reason, and he was particularly interested in the strong ones, like Xhan and Aiga [eventually fixating solely on Aiga, though he did also temporarily pay a bit of close attention to Xhan when he saw the power of Fifth Impact]*. Hearts and Evel sent Kyle to the cruise tournament for the same reason, to gather data on the bladers, particularly the strong ones [like Xhan lmao], and relay the collected data back to Evel for analysis.
But Phi and Kyle were not helping eachother. They weren’t sharing the data they gathered with eachother, or comparing notes or anything. In fact, just the opposite – they seemed to be competing with eachother [like maybe Phi and Hearts wanted to find the same thing, but did not want to share it], though unwittingly in Kyle’s case. Kyle didn’t even seem to know who Phi was, which was odd – it seems like Hearts DEFINITELY would’ve warned his minion about his Potentially Extremely Dangerous brother before putting him on a boat with him – but nevertheless that was an indication that Kyle was not sent to assist Phi. And not only that, Phi was EXTREMELY hostile to anyone he caught observing him, while he was observing everyone else; though he previously had no particular interest in Laban, he destroyed Leopard and got Laban booted from the tournament after Laban made it apparent that he could see Something Was Up with Phi, as a preventative measure to keep him from snooping any further [and specifically what Laban saw was this lmao:]
And when Phi saw Kyle recording his battle data on his phone, Phi also destroyed that phone immediately. I’m figuring that maybe Phi assumed Hearts had planted a spy on the ship as well, though he initially didn’t actually know who it was until Kyle slipped up there**.
Phi was aggressively preemptively-possessive of whatever he was trying to find on that ship, didn’t want anyone else to get it first [especially his brother], and he eventually decided that Aiga Had What He Was Looking For, because it was something to do with resonance. Phi was always very attentive whenever he saw Aiga displaying strong, though unstable, resonance symptoms, like exuding a Scary Dark Aura or doing The Hair Thing, and when Achilles glowed at Aiga, Phoenix often started glowing at Phi in response to that, as well. Phi actively encouraged the bad resonance thing.
Though, he was evidently wrong by thinking that he could get the thing he wanted from Aiga [at least at that time], because now I think ep. 41 finally told me what that actually was:
Phoenix turned purple like this before too, back when Phi battled Aiga. Phi got particularly excited when that happened, as though it was building up to something – but then the buildup fizzled out and he never actually got whatever it was, and so he became frustrated and disappointed with Aiga. Phi said something along the lines of “Not enough, huh…” or “More, huh…” [it was “Mada, ka…”, as though “More is needed” I think? Never fully trust my translations] when Aiga lost to him in ep. 22, as though that was an unsatisfying outcome for him somehow and just winning alone was “not enough”. [He was similarly upset when he broke Achilles in ep. 37, like maybe he was frustrated that he ended up destroying it before he got what he wanted out of it.]
And now, in ep. 41, we see Phoenix turn purple like that again…after it appeared to be sucking the energy/power out of Hades. Phoenix is draining its opponents’ energy in some way – and in a way that is somehow inherently different from Free’s Fafnir’s simple spinpower-stealing technique, as Hearts’ reaction to this is to become progressively more physically exhausted himself, while Phi remains fine and even gets a bit more energetic. Whatever that purple energy is, Phoenix is taking it into itself, causing it to eventually turn that same shade of purple, but Phi’s aura also turns purple like that too, showing that Phi himself has also internalized that stolen energy.
So it’s stealing more than just spinpower here, it’s almost like it’s draining fucking life-force or something. Whatever power Phi is desiring to steal with Phoenix, it looks like it’s something that comes specifically from a bey/blader pair that has achieved strong resonance [maybe not even necessarily “good” resonance, as he thought he could get it from Aiga and Achilles, and he DID get it from Hearts and Hades, who were arguably just as imbalanced/unstable]. So it looks like that’s what was “building up” and getting Phi so excited: Stolen energy. He was just unable to reach full power with what he was able to take from Aiga, is my best guess; like maybe he couldn’t steal it all that time for some reason or something.
Also worth noting: In Hearts’ flashback to when Phi left the Dead Gran, Phi said something about how Hearts had become boring and was no longer fun to “play” with, and that’s why he was going. A few minutes earlier this ep, in the present time, Phi told Hearts to stay away from Aiga because “That’s my toy”. What that says to me, upon Phi returning to challenge Hearts again in the first place, is 1. that Phi reconsidered his opinion of Hearts and had decided he was still “worthwhile” after all, 2. that he’s referring to the bladers he intends to steal the energy from as his “toys” – though “tools” would actually be a more appropriate term tbh, and 3. that he’s still sure he can potentially get something out of Aiga.
And now, because this post is clearly not long enough and I outright refuse to split them up:
🖤 HEARTS TIME!!! 💜
∞/10
Oh my fucking god I have never loved a character so much so fast, and that’s just referring to when he was first introduced. Hearts is on par with Jin from s1 now, as far as favourite characters go for me ;w; #ProtectHearts2k19!!!
Picking up on the resonance thing that this whole group seems so interested in: Hearts’ possession situation is interesting to compare and contrast to Aiga’s.
It’s stated that Hearts has been constantly overshadowed by his brother, Phi always shone brighter, and Hearts’ entire persona is a reflection of that. The way he’s so performative, how he puts on airs to work up a crowd [“You wanna see a REAL champion??” is what he said to the spectators right before he beat Aiga the first time, as an example that springs to mind], the way he constantly taunts his opponents and talks down to them, and I believe he even refers to himself as “ore-same” at times [which basically translates to something along the lines of “The great me”] – those are all symptoms of an inferiority complex. “Please think I’m cool, please think I’m strong, please love me.” He is insecure. Hearts acts so loud and proud because he’s trying to convince himself he’s powerful and impressive, more than he’s trying to convince other people. [Though, psychologically, how that works is by the logic “If a large enough group of people believe a thing, therefore it must be correct, so it makes sense for me to believe it too”]
So, he pushes himself. Pushes himself to keep up his persona. Pushes himself to look impressive, pushes himself to stay strong at all costs. He even pushes himself to ignore pain if that’s what it takes.
Pain like resonance pains. Which, as Achilles has shown us with Aiga, are the way a bey tries to tell its blader that they are pushing it too hard. And we see where that goes.
And man, Aiga felt that so hard because the exact same thing literally just happened to him [at the hands of Phi, no less]. He put himself and his selfish desires above the wellbeing of his bey, using it like a tool instead of treating it as a partner, and the constant neglect and mistreatment resulted in it shattering.
And I call Aiga selfish, and immature, but I call Hearts desperate and damaged. Aiga just wanted to be strong and cool pretty much just for the sake of that in itself, as far as I can see [and thank god he’s realized that what he was doing was so harmful], but Hearts pins his entire self-worth on his ability to stay strong under any circumstances – he hurt Hades while trying to heal himself, in contrast to Aiga, who hurt Achilles due to essentially just not understanding the severity and danger of his situation. Hearts sees the danger and just bullheadedly stands strong as he lets it batter him, rather than just being oblivious to it. Hell, his whole schtick with the columns of literal fire erupting from the stadium to signal his arrival is just another way to show his fascination with being in danger – he withstands the heat.
Also, check how he reacts to those resonance pains again. It hurts but he recovers almost immediately. And sometimes, it seems like he even likes it. He’s getting some sort of pleasure out of that pain, and I’d imagine that’s because he gets a rush out of knowing he’s overcoming it. It hurts, but he doesn’t let it stop him, so having the strong willpower to bear all the pain, to push through it and keep going anyway, is yet another thing that makes him feel powerful.
Hearts also…doesn’t seem to make the right kind of friends. The people he surrounds himself with seem to be entirely self-centered, and unconcerned with his wellbeing, if Evel is any indication. Evel seemed to be the person Hearts cared about the most, but Evel didn’t give a shit about Hearts so much as he just saw Hearts’ situation as an interesting experiment, and an opportunity to gather data. And yet in spite of Evel evidently giving no real indication that he cared about Hearts himself at all, Hearts fuckin moved the guy into his house. Evel has entire rooms full of science and beyblade stuff in the Dead Gran, and free roam of the whole place as well. Also, Count Night. Hearts found Night incredibly amusing, and let him wander around in the Dead Gran in much the same way. Night apparently lives in the air ducts now and Hearts was just A-OK with that. And not only did Night not care about Hearts, he was explicitly a thief and intruder who only came to steal shit. Night literally showed up for the sole purpose of causing Hearts problems, and Hearts just thought he was fantastic and amusing.
And that could actually be yet another thing that just points right back to Hearts enjoying it when something causes him problems, because he’s getting a rush out of overcoming those problems. Hearts being amused with Night and basically saying “Ha-haah, you wanna steal my shit? lmao just try it bitch, let’s dance! I like your style >:)” rather than just. Removing The Obvious Threat From His Household. Makes me think that he must just be getting amusement out of thwarting him.
Mr. Demon also seems to be hired help, rather than a friend, but there’s still Kyle, though. We didn’t even see Kyle in ep. 41, no clue who he’s loyal to yet. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kyle’s just Evel’s buddy and is gonna stick around with him, but I hope to hell that he’s actually at least ONE guy that Hearts keeps around who actually…cares about Hearts…
And now, some Aside Notes that are Actually Important Too but I couldn’t find a way to shoehorn them into that big semi-linear plotline rundown without making this post TOO much more disjointed so I’m just tacking them on down here lmao:
•*Phi didn’t always feel the need to battle people HIMSELF while trying to gauge how powerful they were, he opted out of some battles, choosing instead to just sit back and observe as they fought with eachother. That was the first indicator of Phi’s snotty “I won’t play with it if I don’t think it’s really worth my time” attitude, I think. Lazy shit can’t be bothered unless he’s sure he’ll get something out of it lmao.
…Though, honestly, that itself says that Phi must not really find beyblading particularly fun just for it’s own sake, huh…“getting nothing out of it” means he’s getting no enjoyment/entertainment out of it as well :/ He calls beys/bladers “toys”, but treats them like tools, only seeing a point in using them to work towards an ulterior goal. Hm. Even when he was little, the first thing he asked when he was trying to choose a bey was something like “Which one’s the strongest?”, that was his ultimate concern. Like there’s no such thing as just screwing around, killing time, and having fun with a hobby unless you’re achieving something [like bettering yourself somehow]…Could be that that right there is the root of why he bullied Hearts so much, actually. See the flashback soccer match. Hearts was trying to have fun, while Phi was being serious, and seemingly looking down on Hearts for it. Phi did not play with his brother, he competed with him. “I am strong, and you are weak. You are inferior. I am clearly the superior brother.” Hearts’ inferiority complex seems to have been caused by Phi having a major superiority complex, and stepping on Hearts to prop himself up and assert it. Nasty. Makes me wonder wtf put the apparent belief in Phi’s head that Fun Is Pointless Unless It Is Also Productive in the first place. Parental pressure? If it was that, then why didn’t Hearts get the same sort of treatment? Or maybe he did and just didn’t take it to heart…
• **Honestly, a thing that keeps snagging me is just Kyle’s lack of familiarity with Phi. Like, if Hearts sent him to figure out who Phi became the most interested in [in order to intercept that person to prevent Phi from getting to them], then he’d have to be told who Phi was, so that doesn’t work. And the possibility that Kyle was purely on a random data-gathering expedition for Evel, and Evel and Hearts didn’t expect him to run into Phi at all, just seems…really unlikely. Like, they were both after the same type of people. Kyle was definitely there because of Phi being there, even if Kyle didn’t know it, so I guess what I’m stuck on is the fact that idk why Hearts cared so much about what Phi was doing? It seems the most reasonable to assume that he intended to interrupt Phi’s plans, though he has shown us, by walking right into them and getting Hades smashed and stolen, that he didn’t actually know what Phi’s plan WAS. Maybe it was just pure sibling rivalry, like “I don’t know what you’re doing, but I’m gonna find out and then do it better!”? I might have the answer if I could actually understand what was being said, haha…
•And, last but not least: ARE THESE GUYS ALIENS OR NOT, BEYBURST????
Because, like, we’ve see them as children now, evidently on Earth, with a human butler, living in the Dead Gran all those years ago as well, ON EARTH…
But PHI’S EYES…AND THE METEOR…HE WAS UNAFFECTED BY THE FLAMES, THEY DIDN’T BURN HIM…the impact didn’t kill or even harm him, whether he was on/in the meteor or just near the strike site…Humans don’t survive shit like that?? Did Phi somehow fake a fucking meteor strike?? For dramatic effect?? How’d he do that? Even Hearts and Evel seemed perplexed by the crater.
Also, there’s Phi’s proper introduction to the main crew. He was described by DJ as an “invincible/undefeated, immortal blader who nobody knows much about, he just showed up all ~mysterious~ and it’s rumored he fell to Earth on a meteor!”, and I’m just ???
1. If Phi hadn’t been on Earth for very long, that nicely explained why he was not only unknown but undefeated, if he just…hadn’t ever been recorded losing a battle simply because he hadn’t been recorded battling much at all yet, but 2. CLEARLY PHI HAS BEEN HERE AWHILE BC CHILDHOOD FLASHBACK, so was he just in hiding that whole time before starting the meteor rumor and making his dramatic entrance? Maybe, actually, because in Hearts’ flashback to Phi leaving the Dead Gran, both he and his brother looked to be the exact same age they are now, so that flashback must not have taken place that long ago…did Phi just live in the Dead Gran his whole life and never leave until recently, when he randomly decided he wanted to wreak some havoc because he was bored?? If that is the case, how is he so strong, if there was really no one to practice beyblading with but Hearts? Did he really only battle with his brother alone for so many years? hhhhhh ep. 41 answered 500 questions but made 5000 more…
!!DISCLAIMER BTW: I don’t speak any reliable amount of Japanese and I’m actually…not caught up on the subs, either…I’m interpreting visuals and tone-of-voice alone 99% of the time here, feel welcome to correct me if I’ve gotten anything wildly wrong because I’m sure there’s no way I’m 100% right when I can’t actually understand what I’m listening to
#FUCK I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS FOR SO LONG AAAAAAAAA#AND I'M GONNA REGRET NOT CLEANING IT UP MORE THAN THIS BUT I'VE GOT A STREAM TO CATCH IN A FEW MINUTES#Also I tried to clean it up already and failed repeatedly as you can see lmao#Beyblade Burst#Beyblade Burst Chouzetsu#Long post#Hearts#Phi
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TITLE: Post mortem viventem
CHAPTER TITLE: TWO: If it happened twice, it'll happen three times.
WARNINGS AND RATINGS: Rated T for swearing, major character death and suicide
FANDOMS: Detroit: Become Human
SUMMARY: So, if androids don't have souls, why does Connor see the ghosts of shut down Deviants?
Why does he see ghosts in general?
(In which Connor sees more than he is meant to, and it changes less than you think.)
Sitting on Connor’s borrowed desk, Daniel began to nickname every person in the police station while Henry politely listened, and Cole gave his own interjections, and Connor half tuned in, scanning the deviancy cases on the terminal.
“See, that man,” Daniel says, pointing to who Connor identified as Todd Williams, “Is Stink-man. He’s Stink-man because he looks like he takes drugs and doesn’t shower. Gavin Reed over there? He’s I-repress-my-issues-by-being-a-horrible-human-being. He’s called that because he is a horrible person, so logic dictates that he has a sad anime backstory.”
Cole then points at Captain Fowler and says “That’s I’m-always-angry-because-Hank’s-disciplinary-file-is-a-book-but-I-can’t-legally-sell-it-as-one.”
“Why is that, Cole?” Henry asks.
“Because Dad’s disciplinary file really is a book.”
Connor then gets up, walks over to Hank’s table, and asks him about the case, and Hank get’s angry enough to shove him against the wall, prompting a whimper from Henry, a “Whoa what?” from Daniel and a “Dad no!” from Cole.
Then a police officer comes, tells them about a deviant and a small girl being sighted in the Ravendale district. The same ones from the report that was submitted by Todd “Stink-man” Williams that morning.
Daniel sighs, hooks an arm around Henry and says “Well, Henry my boy, you’re gonna learn how to investigate by talking to ghosts, are you ready?”
“Don’t corrupt him Daniel.” Connor mutters, walking past them to Hank’s car.
“I do what I want Connor!” Daniel yells at him, dragging Henry by the arm.
-LINE BREAK-
Turns out the Ravendale District Lead was a huge waste of time because the deviant and the small child are long gone, which irritates Daniel because now he can’t corrupt teach Henry anything and frustrates Cole because nothing cool happened. Henry, for all intents and purposes, seems pretty chill about it, and that just makes Daniel even more irritated.
So here they are. Under a small umbrella in front of a food truck named “Chicken Feed”. Hank eating a burger that is about 5 sticks of butter in terms of calories, Connor asking and answering questions, Daniel pouting, Henry standing awkwardly to the side and Cole chasing after cats, who damn well knows something is there and hiss whenever he comes too close.
“Is there anything you would like to know about me?” Connor asks, cocking his head to the side.
“Nah, not really.” Hank replies, chewing on his burger. “Actually, on second thought, yeah. Why they make you so goofy looking and give you that weird voice?”
Connor blinks, and answers with “CyberLife androids are designed to work harmoniously with humans. Both my appearance and voice, are specifically designed to integrate into any social situation.”
Hank considers for a moment, and then says in a flat sort of voice, “Well, they fucked up.”
Daniel starts laughing, leaning onto Henry for support. “Oh boy! That’s a good one, and it’s true!”
Henry mutters “That’s not very nice Daniel…” which Daniel dismisses with a wave of his translucent hand.
“It’s okay if it’s funny, you need to remember that.”
“It’s really not…”
Connor LED blinks yellow for a couple of minutes, and then he says “We got a lead…perhaps we can go check it out. I’ll leave you to your meal Lieutenant.”
And then Connor goes back to the car, not sparing a glance at the ghosts, Daniel following after him, yelling “Wait are you mad at me? Don’t be please it was a joke I swear!” and Henry silently trailing behind them.
It’s raining that day, but the sky will clear up soon.
-LINE BREAK-
The apartment is filled with pigeons. Hank Anderson and Cole Anderson are scared of pigeons. Someone has been here, evident by the very encrypted journal found in a hole in the wall, and by balancing Daniel on Henry’s shoulders, they find the deviant in the ceiling, and Daniel yells “Connor! C’mere for a minute and look up, I just want to make sure what I’m seeing is right”
Connor comes, stands on the seat and looks up. The Deviant jumps down a moment later, knocking Connor to the ground. The group stands still for a minute while the deviant runs off, followed by Hank yelling at him to go after it, and Connor skids out the door in pursuit.
Daniel groans, and runs after him, Henry on his heels. Cole stays with his dad, and the three of them run after the deviant, even if it only thinks Connor and Hank are chasing it.
-LINE BREAK-
Connor bursts out of a corn field, to see the deviant having a brief scuffle with Hank on the roof top, before pushing him off the roof top. Connor can feel time slow as he gauges his options.
Then a sense of irrationality, a push, a shove makes him grab Hank’s hand and pull him up, while Daniel yells “I’ll get it!”, which roughly translates to “I’ll get it, but I’m going to fuck up somewhere and it’s not going to end well for anyone.” and runs after the deviant with Henry in tow, who look like he rather be anywhere than here. Cole breathes a sigh of relief when his father is saved from falling.
Connor and Hank are silent for a moment, before a loud “OH FUCK!” was heard, followed by a “That’s not supposed to happen.” from Daniel and a “Oh no, I’m sorry!” from Henry.
Then the sound of plastic and metal hitting concrete at a high velocity and there’s a couple of minutes of silence, followed by a very loud “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”
Connor turns to the next roof top, goes down past the garden beds and walks to see Daniel and Henry peering over the edge of the roof, looking mildly disgusted and disappointed in Daniel’s case, or slightly guilty in Henry’s case.
“So, uh, we caught up with him. Henry slipped and ended up pushing him forward. I guess our Deviant also slipped because he managed to regain footing but this is glass so he skidded a bit and toppled over the edge and now he’s…uh…” Daniel trails off, looking back over the edge of the roof, a translucent hand pointing to the carnage below.
Connor peers over the edge, to see the ghost of their Deviant sitting on the floor next to its body, swearing up a storm. Hank comes jogging by next, peers down and goes “Fucking Androids.”
Hank does not see the ghost screaming out “WHAT THE FUCK. HOW THE FUCK. THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!”
Daniel mutters “Oh I see, he can swear but I can’t? That’s broken.”
-LINE BREAK-
The deviant’s name is Rupert, and he’s still very salty about how he died.
“I can’t fucking believe that get killed because I slipped. That’s broken.” He complains, throwing his arms up into the air. “That’s just fucking stupid.”
Daniel nods every once in a while, saying “I understand what you mean.” And “Mm, I agree.”, not actually listening to Rupert. Rupert has also made the choice to haunt Connor, until Henry goes “Connor can see us, you know…”
Rupert swears, and sticks around anyway. Might as well stay around. This irritates Daniel because now there are three ghosts following Connor even though he was first.
Connor hasn’t said anything, still trying to figure out why he saved Hank from falling instead of accomplishing the mission, despite Hank’s rate of survival being 89%.
Why did he do it?
-LINE BREAK-
It is a generally accepted fact that androids do not have souls. They don’t have them, because they are machines designed to accomplish a task. They aren’t alive, they don’t feel emotions or pain.
But Connor see’s the ghosts of deviated androids, he sees the spirts of them alongside the human ones.
Does that mean they are alive? That they have souls?
Can an android have the ability to become alive? After all, there is living-dead proof before his eyes.
Connor doesn’t know and feels the instability in his software begin to rise.
-LINE BREAK-
Hank won’t answer the damn door.
It’s beginning to piss both Rupert and Daniel off. Cole can’t open the door, which means Connor, who is corporeal and therefore cannot go through walls, has to walk in the rain to find a way in.
“Dad’s asleep on the floor again…” Cole says, avoiding eye contact. “He was drinking the weird stuff and playing the game with his revolver again.”
That sends alarm bells ringing in Connor’s head, and he breaks a window and tries (Emphasis on “tries”) to jump in through the window and lands ungracefully onto the floor, and immediately a large Saint Bernard begins growling at him.
“E-easy…uh…” Connor begins, putting a hand up as he racks his memory for the dog’s name. “S-Sumo! I’m a friend, see? No need to worry, I’m just here to save you owner, that all…”
Sumo huffs, before walking to his dog bowl, and that’s when Daniel, Rupert and Henry decide to appear, phasing through the door.
Connor glares at the three of them, saying “You bastards. You could have helped.”
Henry and Daniel exchange glances for a moment then say “But you like dogs.”
Connor blinks at them and shrugs off the comment (As machines do) and walked over to Hank, who was blissfully unaware of the whole interaction by being unconscious on the floor, a result from downing half a bottle of whiskey that has now spilt all over the floor.
“What a waste of good alcohol.” Daniel mutters, staring at the brown puddle on the floor.
“You can’t even drink.” Says Rupert, glancing at Daniel.
“Guys, not now, please.” Henry pleads, hoping nothing expensive was going to break now.
“Is dad okay?” Cole asks Connor, peering at him with translucent blue eyes. He’s kneeling next to his father, and Connor realises why Hank tries and kill himself little by little.
“Cole, how…how did you die?” Connor asks, staring at Cole’s ghostly form. Cole looks at Connor for a moment, and replies “You don’t know?”
Daniel and Rupert stop their sniping to watch, and Henry is already kneeling down next to Cole, who’s beginning to tremble ever so slightly.
“There was-was a truck. It couldn’t stop and it slammed into dad’s car and I remember being in surgery and there was an android and they couldn’t do anything and I-I-I just woke up again out side of my body and dad was crying and I…I…” Cole manages out, before grabbing Henry by the shirt and crying into his shoulder. “Ever since then, dad keeps drinking the stuff he keeps in the cupboard and playing with his gun and I try to stop him but I can’t.”
Connor sits back, and he says “I’m sorry.”
Cole wipes away the tears with the back of his hand and says “I’m okay. Let’s wake dad up, okay?”
Connor nods, and pats Hank’s cheek. “Lieutenant?”
Hank groans and moves his head just a bit.
Connor raises his hand up, and slaps Hank hard in the face. “Wake up Lieutenant! It’s me, Connor!” Connor yells, and picks up Hank, supporting him. “I’m going to sober you up for your own safety.”
Hank lets out a loud “Hey, leave me alone you fucking android!” which Connor ignores, and says “I have to warn you, this may feel unpleasant.”
Hank squints at Connor for a moment and says “Get the fuck out of my house!”
Connor ignores that too, dragging Hank to the bathroom, apologising every so often.
Henry decides to go and help , seeing as he has had experience with sobering up his own owner sometimes, and Cole only hiccups a bit and follows.
There’s the sound of a shower head being turned on, a loud scream, then Connor is leaving the bathroom, going into Hank’s room and emerging with a bundle of clothes under his arm, re-enters the bathroom, before leaving again.
He straightens his tie, and walks over to the gun on the floor, picking it up as if it could go off at any moment. He notes that the gun has no visible safety function and Rupert peers over his shoulder, voice suddenly full of dread.
“Check the-the cylinder…” He says, pointing to the named area.
Connor pushes the revolver’s cylinder to the side, revealing a single bullet in one of the chambers.
“I had my suspicions when Cole said his dad played with his gun, I just didn’t want to be right…” Rupert says, worrying the edge of his cap.
Connor looks at him, as if he’s asking why?
“Russian Roulette. One of the people in the apartment you found me in used to play it.” Rupert elaborates. “G, does Hank have no one to turn to?”
Connor looks back at the gun, the note “Suicidal Intentions?” flash across his vision as he spins the barrel once again, the bullet landing right where the barrel was.
“The next shot would have killed him…” Connor mutters, placing the gun back on the floor.
Connor sits and pets Sumo, who barks and settles down.
That’s when Hank comes out, dressed in clean clothes, not noticing his house is fuller than before.
“Alright, I’m ready. Let’s go Connor.” He says, picking up his revolver and going to the door. “You coming?”
Connor stares before saying “Of course Lieutenant. I’ll drive.”
#fanfiction#fanfic#detroit: become human#dbh rupert#dbh connor#dbh daniel#dbh cole#dbh hank#dbh hk400#connor sees things#tw: sucide mention
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THE ELEPHANT’S STAKE
TW: mental health, therapy, repression
Did you know that my go-to party trick is drawing an elephant with just one line? I know, pretty lame. Now you know why I never go to parties.
Okay, so, what’s with the random elephant theme, you may ask? Well, funny you should mention it. (I say, as if we were having and actual conversation and it wasn’t just me pretending to talk to someone in order to feel less awkward. The irony here is that writing this blog is supposed to help me to do exactly that. I never said my brain’s logic made any sense.)
Anyway, I asked myself that exact question too a few months ago, when my lovely therapist Kerstin asked me whether or not she could read me a story about an elephant. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love animals and those big-boned, long-tusked, gentle-calm giants definitely have a soft spot in my heart. However, I never really expected them to come up in a conversation with a trained psychotherapist. But hey, what the fuck do I know about cognitive behavioural therapy. Not enough to be aware that it includes elephants, apparently.
Since I didn’t want to be rude and was actually kind of intrigued, I asked my therapist to yes, please, read me the story about the elephant. I actually found the story online (pft, Kerstin, where’s your originality), so I shall copy and paste it here for you to read it too, in case you want to:
“When I was small, I used to love circuses, and what I liked best about them were the animals. The elephant in particular caught my attention, and as I later found out, other children liked the elephant too. During the performance, this enormous beast would nobly display its tremendous weight, size, and strength. But after its performance, and until just before it went out on stage, the elephant was always tied down with a chain to a little stake in the ground that held one of its feet. The stake however was just a minuscule piece of wood, hardly a couple of centimeters long. And although it was a strong thick chain, it seemed obvious to me that an animal capable of tearing a tree from its roots, could easily free itself from that stake and flee. This mystery continued to puzzle me. What held it there? Why didn't it escape?
When I was 5 or 6, I still trusted the explanations given by grownups. So, I asked my teacher, my father, and my uncle about the mystery of the elephant. One of them explained that the elephant didn't escape because it had been mastered. So, I asked the obvious question: “If it's been mastered, why do they keep it in chains?”
I don't remember having received a coherent answer. With time, I forgot about the mystery of the elephant, I only remembered when I found others who had asked themselves the same question at some time. Years later, I discovered that, to my luck, someone had been sufficiently wise to come up with the answer.
The circus elephant does not escape because it has been attached to a stake just like this one since it was very, very small. I closed my eyes and imagined a defenseless baby elephant fastened to the stake. I am sure that in that moment, the little guy pushed and pulled and tired himself out trying to get himself free. And, regardless of his efforts, he couldn't do it, because the stake was too strong for him. I imagined him tuckering himself out and falling asleep and the next day trying again, and the next day, and the next. Until one day, a terrible day in his history, the animal accepted its futility and resigned itself to its fate.
That enormous powerful elephant that you see in the circus does not escape because, unfortunate thing, he thinks he can't. He has that memory etched into his mind: the futility that he felt shortly after he was born. And the worst part is that he has never returned to seriously question that memory. Never again did he return to test his own strength.
The first thing I said to my therapist after she had read me the story and was waiting for my reaction was: “Am I the elephant?” To no one’s surprise, she had nodded and then asked me how I had gotten to that conclusion. And well, that’s what I want to talk about today.
It’s a little hard for me to find a beginning to this, so I’ll just start with what came to my head first: My childhood. Oof, what a bummer. A few minutes into her second post and she’s ready to whack out the big guns. Okay, back to being serious. Somewhat.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a lovely childhood. Really, I was an only child, born to two very lovely parents who really cared for and loved me, and I have tons of wonderful memories of growing up. Oh, what’s that? Can you hear it? Sounds like a big “BUT...” that’s about to smash through the glass wall of my positive nostalgia. Look, let’s just say it as it is: While my time as a kid and teenager were truly lovely, fun and filled with good people and better friends, there were undeniable issues and traumas in it as well, and it would be simply wrong not to acknowledge those.
And one of those not-so-great things was that growing up, there were a lot of ‘can’t do’s’ in my life. Especially when it came to emotions. I’m not gonna give you the full rundown of every single issue in the relationship with my parents or my own self, but I’ll say this much: My feelings, especially ones of anger, sadness and hurt, were often brushed over, my arguments ignored and my attempts of standing my ground nipped in the bud. Discussions, fights and quarrels, especially with my mum, made one thing very clear: I had to stay as quiet and small as possible to avoid being yelled at even more. If I spoke up, even when I thought I was in the right, things would escalate and get even worse. Ergo, if I showed and displayed my real emotions and thoughts, I would suffer the consequences – which were never good.
So, I learned not to. I learned to stay quiet. To revert back into myself and zone out, go some place else in my mind and just wait for the storm to blow over. Instead of getting angry, I fell silent. Instead of getting sad, I went numb. As my therapist always says: Instead of feeling, I would simply not feel. Because at the time, it was what kept me safe. It was what kept me loved. And all a child wants is to be loved.
In many ways, this was my stake. This was what kept me standing in one spot. Whenever I tried to pull it out, I would fail, struggling and thrashing to escape, to make my emotions clear and feel them freely. Every time I tried, it would only leave me even more exhausted, would leave me feeling like a fool for thinking that maybe if I tried just one more time, pushed just a little harder, the stake would yield. But it never did. And at some point, I just gave up.
This all might sound very sad and tragic. I’m aware that I’m by far not the only teenager that fought a lot with their parents. And probably also not the only one who just kind of gave in after a while. However, I can’t deny the fact that this has shaped me in ways I am only now recognizing years later, while sitting in therapy and having elephant stories read to me because for some reason, for some fucking reason, I cannot access, feel or share my emotions.
For some fucking reason, I am chained to that stupid stake.
My therapist read me the story because she knows that I’m aware what it’s about. It’s about me, as a kid and teen, trying to escape from the emotional boundaries that were set by my parents and eventually by myself, and failing time and time again. As I grew up and got older, those boundaries grew with me in my head. And yet in real life, they were nothing but a tiny stake of wood that, having grown a lot stronger, I could have completely overpowered and ripped out of the ground by now. But because they have been with me my entire life and because I hold all those memories of never being able to shake them, I never thought I could.
I always looked at them like the elephant looked at the stake. As something that couldn’t be moved, that couldn’t be changed.
“Until one day, a terrible day in his history, the animal accepted its futility and resigned itself to its fate.“
Hits different now, huh.
So, what’s the moral of that story and brief delve into my emotionally compromising childhood? Fuck the circus, I guess.
In all seriousness though: I wanted to write this post because that therapy session actually helped me a lot and I find myself coming back to this story whenever I slip into the darker place of my mind. So, I wanted to put it on this blog as a reminder. A reminder to myself and anyone else who needs it, that even though it might seem virtually impossible to change something, be that your own thought patterns, behaviours or personality traits, it never is.
You know that cheesy saying that change is the only constant in life? Well, as cheesy as it is, it’s true. And I think by realizing that, by hearing that silly story of the elephant in the circus, it opened up some new possibilities. One of those being that whenever something feels like it’s unyielding and not doable, maybe you just need to take a step back and look at it again. And maybe you’ll see that it’s actually just a small, wooden stake and you’re a whole ass elephant that could take down a tree, if it wanted to.
The exact opposite might be true too, and the stake might still be too big. And in that case, that’s perfectly okay too. Remember what I said one post ago about picking your battles according to your own strengths? Yeah, that’s still valid too. But it also doesn’t mean that you have to despair. Because there is always room for growth and the chance of becoming stronger. Emotionally, mentally, and in every other way.
I hope this doesn’t sound too much like a self-help book from some self-proclaimed lifestyle guru who’s also a part-time pickup artist and sells questionable detox teas on the side (not sure where I’m going with that one). Metaphors can sound super lame but in my case, they’ve always been helpful as my brain really loves translating lessons and conclusions into images. Essentially, I’m just the kid that was always into Arts And Crafts and I need to ~visualize~ everything in order to process it. I know, I annoy myself too.
But hey, my therapist made a good call by telling me this metaphorical story because it made me realize a thing or two about how I’ve set myself all of these boundaries I could just as easily (or should I say isa-ly, HAH) kick again if I tried. That stake I chained myself to might have provided a sense of safety all those years back when I was a child and teenager, being yelled at and not listened to by my parents. But it is no longer providing that security. If all, it’s holding me back in realizing all of my newly found strengths.
So, maybe it’s about damn time I ripped it out of the ground and got the hell out of that circus.
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Aaron & Olivia || Earth Day Plans
Time/Place: Vancouver, Canada. April 7, 2017. Friday Afternoon.
Description: Filming for Predator wraps early and Aaron and Olivia try to figure out what to do for day when an interesting topic comes up..
Olivia: Being away from LA had been hard for the actress. Harder than usual since she'd started seeing Aaron again. The two of them were apart for what seemed like forever and now that they were back together being apart was harder than ever. It was that which caused here to invite the man to Vancouver while she was filming Predator. Besides, Aaron and the child actor she was working with seemed to get along really well so she didn't feel to bad having him visit while she was working. Walking into her trailer a small smile came to her face as she briefly watched the man play with their dogs, completely oblivious to her presence for a moment. "Hey, babe. They told they're wrapping early for the day." The actress shrugged off the jacket that was part of her wardrobe for the movie and sat down on the couch. "I have no clue what the hell we can do with this extra time but I figured we'd figure something out."
Aaron: Spending time in Vancouver was a no brainer. It was the off season and the only thing Aaron wanted to do was spend time with his girlfriend. So, he found himself on set of her new movie in no time. It wasn't like he was bored out of his mind waiting around as she filmed. He'd watch her do her thing, hang out with the crew, play Nerf guns or whatever else with Jacob. It was a good time, honestly. That didn't mean he wasn't relieved when Olivia had said she wrapped for the day. Finally, they had a good amount of the day to spend together. "We could figure out something," He said optimistically to his girlfriend. "I'm sure there's a shit ton of things to do around here - bowling, bars, laser tag, batting cages, romantic dinners.." He pulled out his phone and began googling 'Things to do in Vancouver.' "I'm cool with whatever, babe. I'm just glad we get more time together," He said honestly. While his schedule was now clear, hers was busy. Isn't that always how it worked?
Olivia: Picking up Frankie, she listened to his suggestions as she pet the dog. "Is romantic bowling a thing?" she asked with a small chuckle. "I wish I had any fucking clue what was around here but I don't. I've pretty much been working and then going home. Thats it. Not exciting at all." Glancing at her phone she took in the time, 3:45pm, "Its really fucking early though so I'm sure we'll find something. I'm game for whatever, honestly. I just need a shower first. I guess lets go back to the hotel and figure it out from there?" Before he'd even answered Olivia was standing and slipping the shirt she was wearing over her head, beginning to get chanced back into clothes that actually belonged to her.
Aaron: While Frankie was getting attention from Olivia, Chance was curled up in Aaron's lap asleep. They were well behaved dogs, thanks to both Liv and Aaron and their dog training expertise. "Romantic bowling..I'm sure that's a thing somewhere," He laughed. "Sounds good to me, babe," He agreed to going back to the hotel and figuring the plans out from there. He glanced up from his phone, looking over at her as she slipped her top off. She was one of the hottest women in the world, and she was now all his - again. He constantly reminded himself how lucky he was, not that he needed to remind himself. Her beauty, wits, and talent were a constant reminder. "Should we keep it casual or romantic?" He asked, picking Chance up as he stood. While Olivia got changed, Aaron got the dog's belongings together so they could head out sooner rather than later.
Olivia: Olivia slipped out of her set clothes and into her own clothes effortlessly in front of the man - after all, she really was completely comfortable around him after everything they'd been through. "Ummm.." she thought for a moment. "Casual. We don't have to do anything special or anything," she shrugged just before she zipped and buttoned the jeans she'd just stepped into. "We can even stay in and watch a movie or something, I don't care. I just feel like I've been working every day since you got here so we should at least spend the one day I actually get done early together..what we actually do doesn't mean a damn thing to me."
Aaron: Aaron nodded, not caring where they spent their time together either. It was only a short ride back to the hotel in the car Aaron had rented. The valet took care of parking the car and before they knew it, they were back at the door of the hotel room. Aaron pulled out the key card and slid it into the door, opening it for Olivia and allowing her to enter the room first. She'd surely notice the large display of red and white roses waiting on the table for her. The man followed her in, smirking to himself as he awaited her reaction. After all this time apart, he was sure to do everything right this time around. He wasn't going to take her for granted or let her slip away again.
Olivia: The short ride was over quickly and before she knew it she was walking into her hotel room to be greeted by a large display of red and white roses that Aaron had undoubtedly ordered for her at some point during the day. "Aw babe!" she smiled as she walked up to them and inhaled their sent before turning back to him. Closing the gap between them the actress wrapped her arms around the man's neck before pressing her lips to his, allowing them to linger there for a moment. "I have no idea what I did to deserve this but thank you," she kissed him briefly once more, leaving her arms loosely around his neck once she broke the kiss. "I'm happy you're here. I know most of your friends are in LA and I'm basically wasting your offseason by keeping you in freaking Canada but..thanks."
Aaron: Her reaction was what he had hoped for. Smiling, he watched her admire the little gift he had got for her. His arms easily slid around her small waist and kissed her back. "I think it's the other way around," He said truthfully. He didn't know what he did to deserve /her/. All their problems from the past seemed to fade away the moment they had gotten back together. "I prefer to be here. I enjoy watching you on set and I'd rather spend time with you during my time off." Olivia spent most of the football season in Wisconsin, so the least he could do is support her whenever he got the free time - just like she supported him. "I'll stay here as long as you'll have me."
Olivia: In the past this was the moment that she'd pull away from him - the moment that her mind would race with the transgressions of the past but she'd let all that go the night they'd gotten back together in Vegas. She honestly felt like no time had lapsed and they were never apart - the two seemed to pick up exactly where they left off. Hearing him say that he wanted to spend his time with her cause a smile to spread on the actress' face that she couldn't hide even if she wanted to. "So like forever then?" she shrugged, her arms still resting on his shoulders. "I mean, we should just get married if you're saying as long as I'll have you," she chuckled.
Aaron: "Forever then," He grinned and nodded. Then the next part came. The part that caused everything to go to shit the last time they had been together. This time, Aaron wasn't fucking up. This time, Aaron knew what he wanted. The grin on his lips grew wider, rather than diminishing. "Are you asking me to marry you, Lisa Olivia Munn?" She'd probably give him shit for using her real name, but he didn't care. He was too focused on this moment to care about anything else.
Olivia: Olivia's nose scrunched at the sound of her full legal name, it was something she didn't even hear from her mother, "Lisa?" She despised the name, but even so she was still smiling. "I dunno. Maybe I am, Aaron Charles Rodgers," she shot back as if it were some sort of challenge. When he didn't seem to waiver, her expression changed to match the new seriousness of the conversation. "Hold on - are you being serious right now?" It was hard to tell. Hell, it was hard to tell with him at least 50% of the time. Having to stay cool under pressure on the field translated into every aspect of his life it seemed.
Aaron: Aaron chuckled at her response to her full name. He knew it had been awhile since she had heard that. When he was asked if he was being serious, he nodded. Was she being serious? They weren't a serious couple - they were constantly going back and forth. The two of them were very quick witted. But this? This seemed different. It didn't seem like a joke and Aaron didn't want to take it as a joke. "I've never been more serious about anything in my life."
Olivia: Everything seemed to change from them just joking around to a serious conversation in the blink of an eye and it took the woman just a moment to adjust. "I was just - wow.." she said, a small chuckle following her words. When she'd said that they should get married it was all in jest but now - well, now she was thinking about it. Was this fast? Yes. But if all the time they'd spent together was factored in this was the logical next step. "Yea. Um - Ok. Yea. I mean, Yes. Lets do this then." She was almost in disbelief that any of this was happening.
Aaron: "You sure?" He asked, brushing a strand of her dark hour out of her face as he looked into her eyes. "I know I want this, and I'd marry you tomorrow if I could," He told her. He knew Olivia wanted this as well, but her disbelief threw him off for a moment. He wanted her to be sure before they officially became engaged. Of course, this isn't how Aaron imagined a proposal, but if she was sure, he was going to re-do this whole proposal. The Aaron way. The proposal she deserved with the ring she deserved. He wasn't about to tell her all that, though. It would be a surprise.
Olivia: All of this was unexpected, but it didn't mean that she didn't want it. She'd actually wanted it for a long time now. The fact that he wasn't ready was what had driven them apart the first time. But none of that seemed to be the problem now. The daze of the whole thing finally left Olivia and she was nodding in agreement to this whole engagement thing. "Yea, I'm sure. I've been sure for..well, forever basically," she laughed lightly. "Lets do it soon then. Ya know, so you don't change your mind or anything," she joked, knowing that this time the man wasn't about to turn back.
Aaron: "Alright, Soon-to-be Mrs. Rodgers," He grinned and leaned down to kiss her. The whole thing was casual, but right. It was perfect in their own little way. They had an extensive history - it wasn't like they were getting married after only a few weeks of dating. They had spent at least a year together before breaking up due to being in different places in their lives. Now, the timing was right and, well, everything was /right/. "How about in two weeks? Earth Day. April 22nd." It wasn't like they couldn't make it work in two weeks time. They both had money to expedite the whole thing. He was sure the pregnancy rumors were sure to come along with a quickie wedding and he didn't mind. He always found gossip comical. "We have a lot of planning to do." Or a wedding planner had a lot of planning to do. Whichever Olivia wanted.
Olivia: The words he spoke brought a small smile to her face, she couldn't help it. /Soon-to-be Mrs. Rodgers/ was what she wanted to be before the two of them split. A split that was mainly due to the fact that she wanted to to be Mrs. Rodgers. It made the sudden engagement that much more significant to her; she believed he was ready to be in a relationship with her but getting married was a whole different level and he was standing in front of her saying he was ready for that. She nodded in agreement to everything he said, she was totally on board. "Know the weirdest thing about all this? That you know when Earth Day is," she laughed right before leaning up and pressing her lips to his. She had a feeling whatever plans they may have made for the evening were quickly turning into spending the day in bed - sans clothing.
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