#where is the community of people who dont wanna work but still hate the rich
i am TRULY a ONE OF A KIND person bc, like ive said many times before, when i see those quotes like “theres no such thing as laziness, just a person who is worn out, or a person whose skills arent applied well, or a person who just hasnt found their passion. no lazy human exists” im like. well guess im not human!
“oh but maybe you-” no i literally get an ecstasy and borderline erotic response when i commit the act of laziness, the “sin” of slothfulness. shut the fuck up. i WANT to be lazy. literally. -maxx
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Im not intelligent at all. In the conventional sense. The ramblings of a girl who just has sooo much going in in her head it's constant. But im not a genius. Or that confusing.
It just sounds like I am bc fandoms have this issue where they can JUSTSO point out the issues in soletiing. They can pick and prod and go oh problematic! But then you go to name the problems and the difficulties within society like for ex: the idea of representation in general. Salivating over it. How fucking sad that is. How we are trained to accept it. So in a BL and also RACE in the bl genre they exploit viewers naivete both domestically and internationally. Ive seen tons of people liken being asian to being a person of color. However, in their predominantly homogenous society (or intentionally publically homogenous society), they are not "poc" (also name the of color; i dont use bipoc idc if u do but it's called being asian guys cos yall aint talkin about black ppl lmao)
They as humans seeing other humans who look like them everywhere, engage with the world differently than an american in asia or asians living outside of their home country (like bae doo nanwhen she worksnin the US is not the same as the bae doo nanworking on a korean program) I dont complain about it in everything i see bc ppl say it ALL THE TIME. but it is NOT the same. Being a person of color is very distinctly an american concept. This is all stuff people will get to know on their own if they choose to dig more.
I do my best to underline what my ugly little eyes process. How i figure things out as a black female american artist too! Im hard on shit cos i should be. I take it seriously. And even if i dont take it seriously bc THEY dont then thats their problem.
I know this is a complaint that I am not alone in. I know it's the internet. I just don't get how people can write really heavy analysis but they refuse to actually probe the underlying issues. Not everyone is me, or like my friends, but if there's way fewer people talking about this stuff it seems absolutely glaring when theres few people engaging in the way i do. It seems like im the glitch but I am thinking just as much just differently.
I really loved where your eyes linger but there was little deep class analysis. I remember few convos a bout it. I know a lot about korea (sigh being a black ex kpop fan lol mess) and i love the history but all ofnit matters! Korea's relation to labor!
People bringing up thai actors snd actresses leaving the industry and doing acting as something quick. As an artist~ who went to film school with insanely wealthy ppl and isnin tons of debt you have to understand how shitty that is. People have monetary access and they just fucking do whatever just because they want to. Meanwhile you have young people being coerced into this bullshit mainstream life to LITERALY just make money bc they dont come from a rich background. The wealth gap in thailand is BAD, theres a dictatorship, they had a fucking coup. The governments like here do not respect their people. Their marginalized groups. Trans thai women, black thai ppl, poor thai ppl. And it LITERALLY CANNOT DO ANYTHING EFFECTIVELY IN CAPITALISM. No nothing can be perfect but if it's going into our eyeballs and we can view the worlld critically then why the fuck not!???
I dont say the things i see are wrong always. I reply when i think i need to. I try and engage with others but not to kuch avail. I just want to rb stuff and tdhink lajfhhdjwhjej.
But like yea theres a lot of just wrong or misguided stuff. A lot of the times it is just historical inaccuracy in framing or idk. A refusal to think outside the box. I dont care. Theres more to life than just sort of looking and not thinking especially for othrr artists.
Idk im sorry. I dont see how i can change how i view things. I really wish people would expand their palettes too and go deeper into other means of art from places! Things not in the mainstream! Theres a lot of good thai artists and a lot of them critical as fuck about their country as they should be. Authority, austerity, patriarchy, capital, racism etc like that is central to a power thats interested in growing gains and fiscal and social power. Theres rly radical or left leaning etc ppl out there in the world and these countries in these communities. So they exist. No people in these countries dont have NO clue whats going on. Cultural relativism is alsos something people should understand. I had a good talk with ppl on here a while ago about that. Talking about shit, critiquing, but being respectful to a group. Part of thay is realizing these groups CLEARLY know their own issues and all our cultures share the same goal. Guess what it is. It rhymes with acquiring wealth. Money means you hurt people. In the post, we talked about use of "wife" and "husband" which is a stupid joke that has been "explained" a billion times and yet the explanations still dont seem to answer or justify a minor problem (it's very funny to me that a language that doesnt have gendered pronouns is now very specific about two men. Hmmm wonder why. It is annoying.)
So im not the only person on the planet doing this. Or the few ppl ive seen that do. Im not new my thoughts arent new. Ive gotten to see another side to a culture i knew not much about and that means i can put the context of my beliefs and life and try and understand thheirs. For ex i learned from ITSAY because of a sign that said 'french food' that they were the only country to not be colonized back then. Do you know how integral that history is to their region? That was an interesting detail (i didnt finish itsay bc ihad a lot going on and i was rly upset that i would see hownrich they are and i hate that.)
Anyways thats my complaint. It used to feel like a sting of rejection. I left online for months in 2019, i started organizing more, joined a union, trying to do some panther work shit like that. I learned a lot in those months and it changed my life! But when I came back, I felt so isolated. It wasnt my true friends tho sometimes theyre ANNOYINGGGGG (love u) but it was me being like "if we are going to complain guys then lets put our money where our mouth is" lets be fucking serious about it then. No say it with your chest dude. It isnt difficult. Go with the fucking flow, talk about it, critique it, think. You can still fucking like itnor love it.
I am BLACK ok and i love rap. I am a black woman. I will continue to clown black men that cant seem to not clown themselves and listen. No i wont support monetarily: drake is a creep and i hate him but i bump that niggas song. Thats fucking LIFE. I got so sick of hiding myself and it became clear that it wasnt that i wasntthinking well or hard enough. They just didnt like that i said we need to commit class suicide and inspect out middle class sensibilities and middle class wealth hoarding (google it) if thats what we engaged with. Every part of you, antagonize it. I still have my privileges; class, skin color, even my father being a nigerian immigrant, me being cis, im not str8 but not a lesbian and those are differences.
Insecurities in general but some shallow thoughts (?) on discussion in "fandom" space. FYI, this will most likely stay the same. I tend to stay in my own bubble socially IE me and my friends are similar in our views. During this awful year while running my union's account, im surrounded by like minds. Me and my friends? We changed together. We grew up and saw what we didnt like and what we want. We do our best.And i CHOOSE my life to be that way bc it should be. There is no solution. I dont believe in solutions because the solution is to abolish capital or just divest. Abolishing capital and labor are a huge one and i will die before that happens (but so help me as long as im alive? Black women to FREEDOMMMM is my motto!) so making your own path in life is the best thing an artist can do IN MY OPINION.
However with technology and stuff this puts another layer onto things. Tech, social media, this shit....it THRIIIIIIIVESSSSSSS off of conflict and shallow readings of the world. We are literally primed for it. Engagement in bites. Impossible for me with my brain; i got used to it and i paid for it by limiting my scope. Not being encouraged to THINK AND READ before just speaking
(For ex i am in iww, i helped form a branch here. It is a radical union. Unionism is imprative to me-if ur interested u should read up on some. Look up peter cole! Google inthesetimes Ilwu. Gives you some understanding. Ive always been progressive and now i am....very left idk ic ant label myself. But even in my progrssiveness i had the gall to tell my white friend, whoa has her privileges but i had mine with our class disparity, that we dont need unions, i have WORKED retail. Ive done barista work for sonoing and i do gig work. So i wasnt out of touch. I had been stiffed even with a shoot i was working on by rich kids. So i had a frame of reference . But i didnt know what the FUCKa union was and why it is imperative. Then learning about anarcho syndicalism and all these other things. It changed my fucking life but two years earlier i was this idiot spouting shit like that making one of my best friends fucking upset. We DO AND CAN CHANGE. Think!!!!)
So were i a creator for tv id just constantly try and push the buttons if i need big money. Make them sell into me (thank you sonic youth!) theres Endless possibilities guys which means theres SO MUCH TK EXPLORE!!!! When i wanna have fun with it i just have fun. When i want to think i do. I dont understand why we are so dedicated to upholding things and doing mental gymnastics to end up in a space you dont need mental gymnastics for. What about these critiques makes you uncomfortable? Saying we're all part of the problem as spectators? Im sorry but we will always be. Thats LIFE. God fuck. Fuck me. I feel so fucking worthless and stupid sometimes. I know I am not. I know i am talented and intelligent. I know my friends and family. I know how to approach ppl. I know how to tell people if they are rich but want to be progressive whatsup. I choose how i live part of that is being ok to say what i want.
Ironically consrrvatives say this shit alot. But they arent ever alone bc their ideology is default. But yea it does feel shitty. It even feels shitty when ur in left circles but people STILL dont even wanna do that. These perspectives really arent ss many as they should be. I dont want to feel so alone with it. I know there are more. I just love art and the world so fucking much, endless possibility. Endless pain but endless good.
Ray Route Bad Ending 3 Guide
(donʼt/never answer messages it give good heart so i suggest dont answer it :))
Day 4 (100%)
00:16 – I Keep Thinking of You
You’re back! (Nothing)
That’s the one we saw in the garden! (Ray)
I would’ve been glad if you really did grab me. (Ray)
That sounds like a dream… (Ray)
I would’ve had a hard time playing this game if this wasn’t a game that you gave to me to test. (Ray)
I think they’re making another secret behind my back… (Ray)
I think it’s a bit hypocritical… (Ray)
No, money can’t solve everything. (Ray)
I think all members of the RFA are somewhat nervous and unstable. (Nothing)
I think he has an inner problem. (Ray)
Can I save everyone if I see the endings? (Nothing)
Alright! I’ll play until the end. (Ray)
Not really. I’m happy enough. (Nothing)
Sure, I’ll think about it. (Ray)
I’m gonna stay up for a bit. (Nothing)
02:34 – What’s wrong?
Hello, Seven. (Nothing)
Please, calm down…! (Nothing)
If it happened past midnight…then that would be the developer. (Ray)
hehe it’s not a bug – I know what it is (Ray)
I’m sorry that I crashed in T-T waaah… (Nothing)
Who’s your watcher? (707)
I can’t imagine what will befall if Seven’s cosplay photos are released T-T (707)
If I give you some money as a tribute, what are you going to use it for? (Nothing)
I think Jaehee should be in charge of accounting ^^ (Jaehee)
Who shall take the throne of the Seven Kingdom…? (707)
Ugh, my head… (Nothing)
Did you make it yourself, Seven? (707)
I’ll check my avatar closet and pick the one I like lol (Ray)
Is he an actor? (Nothing)
Really? He’s that good-looking? (Nothing)
He’s actually a girl! (Nothing)
Is he the kind of guy who’s the sum of you and Jumin together? (Nothing)
Your voice is getting smaller… (Zen)
Me too! Let’s invite him! (Email from chickendelivery)
I will go to bed… sooner or later… (Nothing)
To whom? (Nothing)
Good night! (Nothing)
You have a lot to work on T-T (Nothing)
Tell your housemaid I said hi! (Nothing)
08:15 – All-Nighter
Jaehee, have you seen Seven’s picture? (707)
I’m not really interested… (Nothing)
Tell me about it… Health is everything. (Nothing)
You didn’t stay up all night thinking about Rika, did you? (Nothing)
I’m also staying up all night for this game with a bunch of AIs… (Ray)
My definition of friends is someone I actually meet. (Nothing)
You took a nap during class? (Nothing)
What kind of friends did you meet in games? (Nothing)
Umm…that’s a bit sad… (Nothing)
How did you deal with your stress before getting into college, Jaehee? (Nothing)
Did you play go…? (Nothing)
Playing games too much is not good for your health. So you should set a limit- (Yoosung)
But you should deal with the fundamental problem… (Ray)
But you still gotta find out what you can! (Ray)
Umm…could you let me know if you find out what secret there is? (Ray)
From now on you should play just about right. (Nothing)
Sleep tight! (Nothing)
And I think he deserves an applaud for trying to find his answers under his circumstances. (Ray)
Sure. I’ll see you later! You can leave Yoosung to me – ^^ (Nothing)
10:22 – Understanding and Respect
Welcome, V! (Nothing)
I think you should tell me what you’re hiding before you ask what I know. (Ray)
I’ll think about it, depending on what you show me. (Ray)
Creating a lot of secrets doesn’t help communication, either… (Ray)
Hello, Jumin. (jumin)
Are you jealous? Lol (Jumin)
I already told you that I can’t answer that part… (Nothing)
Interest…? Wait, are you…? (Nothing)
Anything suspicious going on? (Ray)
So he’s trying to make a deal by using his son… (Ray)
Jumin, I think this is up to you, without any bias or prejudice. (jumin)
But you’re rich! Money for the win! (Nothing)
Is there a secret to your father’s private life? (Ray)
Count me in too! (Ray)
So you’re saying you don’t like it? (Nothing)
What is it? (Ray)
You think so? He looks like..a cold son of a rich family. (Nothing)
I agree. It feels like Jumin kind of knows what you’re hiding, but he’s pretending that he doesn’t know. (Jumin)
I think Jumin will not be happy with that when he hears it. (Nothing)
Do you think that I’ll find myself in danger? (Ray)
12:00 – Really Want to See You
Huh…? You’re back. (Nothing)
Does it hurt a lot? I’m worried… (Ray)
Yes, I’ll make sure I tell you…! (Ray)
Yes, he sounded like…like you’re a threat to the RFA, Ray. (Nothing)
Yes…this game could be over if I tell them, right? (Ray)
Looks like you hate all members of the RFA, Ray… (Nothing)
Do you want me to pursue that AI? Would that help you? (Ray)
I wonder what the happy ending is like! I’ll keep the secret. (Ray)
I want to be with you if I can! (Ray)
You mean Yoosung? (Nothing)
Programmed? So you mean you’re also… (Nothing)
Doesn’t that mean it’s more work for you, Ray? (Ray)
Yes, I’d like to stay with you…and continue playing this game you make for me. (Ray)
Take your pills now! I hope you get better! (Ray)
I’ll try. (Nothing)
14:41 – Portrait of the Youthful Days
Did you do well? Lol (Nothing)
There goes your dream of campus life… (Nothing)
Becoming the best gamer in the country? (Nothing)
I think the purpose of your application is a bit off, but I’ll give you a pass… This world is a bit off in the first place… (Nothing)
Unemployment is a serious issue… (Nothing)
Listening to you makes me wanna lie in my bed…thinking of nothing in particular. (Nothing)
Maybe Jumin will hire you… (Nothing)
Whoa! That’s one knack of a timing! (Nothing)
Couldn’t you ask a bit more subtly…? (Jumin)
Jumin is right!
But some people get jobs because they wanna make money. (Nothing)
I hope social discrepancy would be gone soon. (Nothing)
I’m a genius. My IQ’s like…299? (Nothing)
I’m 16 years old.
I think it’s somewhere around the average… (Nothing)
It’s a group of people with super-high IQ… (Nothing)
I wanna be an intern too lol (Ray)
So you want someone obedient… (Nothing)
Jaehee is so professional. She’s so impressive. (Jaehee)
So you guys have a complicated relationship. (Nothing)
Right he is. (Nothing)
Good idea! (Jumin)
Sounds like an indirect way of self-promotion (Nothing)
That’s why I wanna find out what he’s hiding…seriously. (Ray)
Who could it be? (Nothing)
It’s all thanks to the games. (Nothing)
You really care a lot for V. (Jumin)
Goodbye – (Nothing)
17:36 – Afternoon of Anxiety
Is there something wrong with you, V? (Ray)
Where are you right now? (Ray)
Welcome, Seven!! (Nothing)
Is this that surprise? (Ray + Alt Selection)
Oh… just remembered what a sloe friend of mine told me. Don’t mind me. (Nothing)
Just where are you, V? Why would your phone be dead? (Ray)
Could you send it to me too? (Ray)
What about your identity, Seven? Tell me! (Ray)
I don’t think you’d be able to find this person, Seven. (Ray)
I think you’ve only got what you deserve for your past. (Ray)
It’s fun to watch him like that. (Ray)
What are you going to talk about? Tell me! (Ray)
I’m sure the other members would want to know. (Nothing)
Story Mode – More of this guy…
- You mean this email incident with 707? (Nothing)
- I didn’t really feel good seeing them so anxious. (Nothing)
- Yes, it was a surprise. But that’s why I like it. (Nothing)
- Okay. (Nothing)
18:42 – Mask Made of Glass
I think this secret between V and Seven is serious… (Ray)
Can you share what you know about Luciel’s past? (Ray)
Are you feeling better? (Nothing)
Feeling ok now? (Nothing)
Don’t pretend you’r eok. It’s heartbreaking… (Nothing)
V told you to say all this, right? (Ray)
I didn’t think you’d be like this, Seven… (Nothing)
You act like you have a bug or something. (Nothing)
oh no looks like a bug…! I should tell him. (Ray)
C Language…? (Nothing)
If inviting this language can help you calm down…then let’s do it!! (Email from clanguage)
A kiss…? (Nothing)
Haagen-Dash 31 (Nothing)
Well…don’t care. He’s not the one I pursue. (Nothing)
I guess time in the answer. (Nothing)
Sure. Have a good one, Jaehee! (Nothing)
20:10 – Zen’s Worrisome Looks
Welcome, Zen! (Nothing)
I hope he’ll cheer up…
Go to bed early. That’s the best remedy. (Nothing)
yes me too! (Nothing)
Let’s just focus on holding the party! (Nothing)
Yeah, that’s right. You need to take care of yourself. (Zen)
Yes, sort of – (Nothing)
That’s so sweet… (Nothing)
I think you’d better take Zen’s advice when it comes to skincare – (Zen)
Hindow10update T-T It’s so annoying (Yoosung)
Let’s invite him! I wanna get some masks too! (Email from costume)
I’ve been hearing you talk, and it all sounds like showing off (Yoosung)
Zen you should concentrate on your audition tomorrow. (Zen)
I can knock you out and lock you up in a room. ^^ (Nothing)
Sleep tight and it’ll be ok. Have faith in yourself! (Zen)
Huh? I see a mole! (Nothing)
I’m afraid gods will be angry T-T (Zen)
You’re so sweet Zen… Sleep tight ^^ (Nothing)
21:53 – Nice
What did you talk about with Seven? I’d really like you to tell me now. (Nothing)
Why would you ask that all of a sudden? (Nothing)
I should try harder. (Nothing)
But this is really nothing but events inside a pho…uh, nothing. (Ray)
I think the two of you are playing secrets and ditching the rest. (Ray)
Thank you…! (Nothing)
Do I really look innocent? (Nothing)
Your concern is pointless. (V Break)
When is it? (Nothing)
What? That’s too fast! (Nothing)
Off to a secret service? (Ray)
22:49 – What I Want to Say
Am I going to make the contract now! (Ray)
I decided to stay here with you. (Ray)
Whose face is it? (Nothing)
Me too… I like you too, Ray. (Ray)
I won’t betray you, I promise. (Ray)
Yes, please trust me. (Ray)
Of course. I’m so touched, Ray… (Ray)
I’ll be waiting… (Nothing)
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Ideas 10.23-10.28.20 (Conclusion 6)
school’s finally become PHYSICAL over the course of the below
...also wtf is Halloween where did it go?
1. communication normalize and maintenance (10.24)
2. remove anxiety loop of containment (10.24)
3. angourie value, is there, just out of view (10.25)
4. honeylights (10.27)
5. PHYSICALITY (10.26-28) )
oct23 literal lowest point [every overcomplicated blockage is back. squeezing it out.][first academic nightmare 18 lab! back 2 the old fucking me. roommate ugh just happened. career and TS very unresolved.]
oct24 All is colored orange by lethargic walking in october night around suburban halloween decorations with my phone and my orange sweater. sitting in random places trying to find a home for my ass and my heart. Watching kids with tik tok hair play and cold grass and career grey and boxed. The dissonance in the air between TS and my reality of confusion.
oct25 scene23 (forgotten base) and vague inflation roommates left this day yay i can breathe. anxiety about lack of angourie really. that insecurity
oct26 PHYSICAL paralyzation my first last minute assignment, start of everything i tried to avoid. the physicality of fear and anxiety came out
oct27 honeylights asked questions etc. it’s so cold today omg. they’re still not here so i can still breathe.
Me recollecting on yesterday, this morning:
TS: IF YOU WANNA DO SOMETHING JUST DO IT. NO EXCUSES. EVEN IF IT’S SHIT, EVEN IF IT’S EMBARASSING, JUST DO IT.
♬ツ✯ ALSO FOR ME: I NEED SIMPLE. i get distracted and turn in a circle. only certain situations should be circles. the rest should just be straight forward. Experiment with your brain when you need to (2% theyswkenian) the rest is straight forward just do something.
Let the beautiful things be beautiful and the simple things stay simple. Not everything screams for the richness of McQueen.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TikTokCringe/comments/jgm7j5/the_best_and_only_potato_acting_ive_seen/ The thing about this —> you see how people have valid emotions, valid responses, things they actually think. But i feel socialized people, their responses are socialized too. That’s always bothered me, because i’m inherently isolated, so my emotoins tend to be in conflict with something vague. that’s why i always hated and loved performance.
SO I HAVEN’T DONE THIS IN A WHILE, LEMME JUST RECALL MY DAY.
-> early morning = 9am started my eec 18 lab hell. For 3 weeks or more I’ve put off setting up EC18 stuff. Windows won’t install on my computer, so i have to use quartus on linux, it’s not working properly, it’s nightmare. I need it to be virtually installed.
-> I was in the breakout room waiting for like an hour for the TA , while the EA meeting was happened, then they both called me out at the same time asking me for a response i was like NOOOO but it worked out. but these things socially add up.
-> Then I discovered accidentally Velvet Angels, spend like noon till 6pm just looking at them and LAX Gurlz lmao. They’re not like adulthood yet, still kinda the mindset simplicity of teens, idk just how I was in 2006 was like that. When i was in the industry that’s how i fantasized about myself and life
-> In the midst of this all, there’s like whole rm sitch with the divider (i told them they can use the living room, m yesterday said they can’t) and basically all in all they’re moving out. She was sending long texts, and halfway through I realized it’s bad for my mind, why do i keep looking at these texts. my mind LIKES complication and information without any cause or reason. Why?
Ok see this has every freedom that thought the highest hedonism in teen/adulthood would let me become. It’s insulated and simple and girly cute enough without like the adult complicatedness that the Pussy Cat Dolls made me feel unsafe by.
i mean @ 2005 I was a unconscious toddler but also grew up around these types of show people so i literally thought it was THE NORMAL DEFAULT way of life, to express this way. It was so fun. and now im doing freaking engineering >:( ew.anyways them and the aesthetic brings me home to that time: mud yellow color grading, ripped up wrapped up military tops. And Alex is so hawt mini janice dickinson queen. and Bree’s dancing <3Ugh i’m so glad to be a 2000s underground pop connoisseur
Me now [8pm] trying to wrap my head around everything:
So yeah it’s all this weird situations wrapped up into like this constantly playing in my head of military teen hedonism playing over and over aesthetically on top. It’s now [7:40 pm]
♬ツ✯ I need to get used to being bored. Really i do.
The internet makes the norm too dangerously high and unstable and ungrounded. Grounded in something not depending on you but on external information delivery.
You’ll stop feeling this overwhelmed and over complicated if you’re bored and simplified in ur neurons.
Stop listening to music. At all. Stop watching videos. STOP. it all needs to stop.
But i feel like sometimes my brain literally cannot function unless it sees a glimpse of dopamine euphoria. Not in the uncontrollable way. Like in a lethargic way where everything feels impossibly heavy, then i watch something light and it’s ok.
I think the covid discovery was letting myself get bored by going outside. Letting myself be alive though, not dormant, and outside and with nothing.
I’ve practically just gone back to my original precovid mindset. ……. …………………. ……….. You know what, it’s the career stuff that has done this to me. This is my reaction i believe to complicatedness. I overthink and underdo. I want too much out of everything. And i excuse everything. And i’m scared really, i overcomplicate to delay things and excuse things.
This overcomplicatedness leads nowhere and to nothing. cut it out.
♬ツ✯ You know what. If I physically need to get out of the house i fucking will. I can’t be under her like this all day. It’s driving me crazy, and clearly its’ normal to be affected given how everyone has been.
YOU KNOW FUCKING WHAT. IT’S HARD TO BE FORCED TO BE PHYSICALLY DORMANT AND LOCKED IN MY ROOM, AND NOT BEING ABLE TO PHYSCIALLY GO ANYWHERE, AND NOT BECOME INTERNET ABSORBANT. IT’S HUMAN. FUCKING. NATURE. BACK AT THE EARLY COVID WHEN I COULD SOMEWHAT GO WHEREEVER AND REST AND LAY IN THE FUCKING GRASS, I HAD MORE OWNERSHIP OF MYSELF. I WASN'T
I want my tumblr aesthetic to be my full anger. i Swear to god. I’m aggressive wow.
♬ツ✯ Literally imagine your life outside of this room. There’s so much gonna happen in the future. how friends will be made. etc. i’ll be like a newborn womb baby. Imagine everything that will and wont happen. It’s like a huge current. Just let everything flow. I think i’m delusional and fantastical about time. With the internet it feels like time is concentrated, that per second the euphoria is concentrated, the journeys are concentrated,
Ugh put this off til [11pm] talking it OUT:
A::just spilling and spilling trying to get ANYTHINGG::A
irl just spill every thing every thing everything here don’t leave this fucking page. SO what the fuck is going on huh? today felt like a weird ass nightmare. This week felt like a nightmare. I think it started with freaking career applications, it just made my brain do something strange and overcomplicated. But it’s really taxing on my to not be able to hold onto any concepts, any thoughts. Also the TS as i predicted maybe brought me into this weird separation from self, like looking for euphoria outside of yourself. Those connections should be right next to you. CONNECTIONS SHOULD BE RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. If they’re so far you’re obviously going to have to detach from yourself to get there or something.
I WILL GET OVER THIS I WILL GET OVER THIS. WHY DO YOU CONSTANTLY NEED NEURON ACTIVATION. GET USED TO IT.
Also i want to make some rules for myself in terms of actions, things to genuinely follow so i dont go insane with this.
The DIFFERENCE REMEMBER THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE THIS TIME IS I CAN COMMUNICATE WITH MYSELF, WHEN I THINK SOMETHING IS STUPID MY BODY FINALLY RECOGNIZES AND MOVES ON, LIKE A NOT PIECE OF SHIT WORTHLESS HUMAN. I can communicate and work things out with myself no matter (well some matter) how hard and how vague uncomfortabilities are.
Oh yeahhh remember you dumb bitch that you were going to face your discomfort. I think looks like making a resume just put you in this very unthinking mode. Idk idk idk i keep thinking that but i have no idea what’s happening in my brain I’m just typing typing typing till something comes out.
i think that when these events happen, in the mean time a lot of stuff and thoughts are bubbling inside i just have to keep communicating. It’s very vague and i’m almost completely detached from the fact that i feel unresolved and uncomfortable. TS and career etc just made me way too ahead of myself perhaps? Or really it’s just my fault for get time carried awayyyy awayyyy but
Just for the record, the last few fucking days (actually the whole week) = VACUUMED UP time. Literally a blur. A fucking blur. Who am i what ma i doing.
Today was colored very weird though with the Lab and the EA meeting and the Velvet Angels and then the roommate issue and overall the leftovers from career and TS, and her silence and oppressive again
I feel the pressure of a \\\\ ** a lot of unresolved thoughts and emotions and unconscious stuff \\\\\ ** application stuff, future uncertainty. mentorship. a lot of stuff i should have done TS \\\\\ ** the semester feels halfway done like what teh FUCK
On top of that it’s really necessary to remove all emotion and love of life in order to be absorbed into equations which leads me to my common question why the fuck do i need to love life. just be a robot lol. When i’m a robot i get attracted to robots and computers i guess
Also ALSO remember how i got into girls aloud lmao the thing with being unconscious is i’m not even aware of how i get into and out of things what i’m obsessed with everything just flows passes by. So it can’t even process really
YOU WILL BE OK. DOn’t worry just with persistence and just typing and focus this has always passed and will pass. It’s nothing new.
* Typing indescriptly as I am now, just vomiting and not letting hands fingers off the fucking keyboard. detox from consumption.
* When you’re out of control can’t feel anything, if you can’t physically stop yourself, physically going outside for long periods of time. That’s what cured you, that’s what will cure you
*Don’t listen to music at all. Don’t fire any neurons
* ACTUALLY obsessions are okay, as long as you produce something from it. make an idea out of it. don’t just keep consuming as a way to survive. interact with it, and the obsesion will break the loop and instead evolve and change you and you can move on or you can own it and not feel the EXTERNAL anxiety
WHEN I HAVE TS DISCOVERIES LIKE THIS what i need is space and freedom and time to think. otherwise im trueing in a circle and feeling like nothing can ever be processed or affected and i start to feel nhuman and uncontrollable.
why do i talk in such a forced rational voice when clearly emotionally that’s not what im like. im a mess. i should be honest that i don’t talk or think with logic i think with some dog brain
communication verbal active physical to maintain thoughts and delete remove stupidity . physical communication is different
unrelated but TS and their obsession with clear communication ala writing song. an interesting obsession. m had the same obsession with words and being taken advantage of
everything felt so orange but it was strange and good i guess but lethargic and distracted. below r concludes
I’VE FIGURED SOME THINGS OUT
*First and foremost, m stopping me from communicating with myself is #1 what hurts all my actions and thoughts the most. It prevents regulation and reasoning and thinking, causes need for deceit towards her, towards myself, towards the world, and excuses for myself. It’s the ultimate reason I cannot utilize my mental resources and thinking, be in line with my beliefs. The cause of all my dissonances. I need to logistically figure out how to combat this/release my self from her. My neutral and normal state needs to be that, awake and communicative, through all highs and lows.
THE ISSUE IS PHYSICAL
I’ve had all week long since career frenzy and TS this extremely circulatory confusing fruitless anxiety over containment is back, I took a walk and felt a BIT better. But at the same time, when I feel this loop, FEELING it is important, it means I’m correct. But I need to allow my brain to be open and empty and CLEAR as much as possible to grow and be alive and move from it.
A:: Loop over stuff outside of my current present reality ::A
It’s stupid of me to expect to see past what’s immediately next to me. Like i have a reality tunnel and to soe extent i can expand, but i can’t guess another color. that’s what i’m trying to do, it’s a stupid loop. just be practical. That’s my loop. And that’s a lot of my anxiety. It doesn’t think.
I’VE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT bc i remember in 5th grade, writing an essay and just trying to get the first sentence, and it just won’t go.
There is a bit of an anxiety, like you only naturally respond to things you’re familiar with, so there’s an anxiety of things I can’t see that i don’t naturally respond to.
Yeah i think i had a realization, he problem with TS is it’s toooooo far ahead of myself. I always do this to myself. Give myself some impossible pill to digest. TOO external. Too outside of my reality tunnel.
I think i see complexity in this whole career thing and i 1) feel the need to mcqueen it and become this grand beautiful thing 2) the complicatedness of it and my lack of communication with self makes a huge zumble. Both together makes my brain turn in a circle of nothingness.
All in all, this 90% of the time being this constant over anxiety about circular thinking with my brian being filled with 4% of every event and flavor and possibility and fantasy and euphoric phrase = NOT IT. It’s stupid, you’re stupid for it, avoid it please.
B:: Why this loop is hard to reason out of ::B
I FEEL EXTREMELY TIME PRESSUED AND JUST OVERALL PRESSURED TO MAKE THE MOST OUT OF THIS TIME. It’s the only time I’m allowed to make mistakes, people allow you to develop, people take you under their wing, etc. And also things will just get worse from here, if i don’t get to a good company, i’ll be deflated demotivated, i won’t have youth and time on my side. I’ll end up just killing myself out of boredom of self.
C:: But glories haven’t once been forseeable or pre containable ::C
The things that lead to something are ALWAYS just catching onto any opportunity. It’s not planned, and you don’t know what’s gonna happen and lead to where. Stop trying to contain it. Stop trying to get it right, before starting.
your career stuff can’t be contained in a box, opportunities are not linear or predictable.
D:: So firstly when you recognize that loop, delete it ::D
‘trying to figure everything out’ -> has ‘that’ feeling ever resulted in anything? helped anything? no? then stop
Think about the effect or lack of effect that it has had, how destructive it is, and how much of delays and excuses i give myself because of it.
SO SEPARATE. it feels very uncomfortable to say. But for now, just separate it. Don’t have it linger and loom
I think i do have a lot of ideas and sensitivities but don’t try to make something out of literally nothing. it’s stupid. and really just an excuse to not do anything so stop. JUST STOP IT.
All in all, this 90% of the time being this constant over anxiety about circular thinking with my brian being filled with 4% of every event and flavor and possibility and fantasy and euphoric phrase = NOT IT. It’s stupid, you’re stupid for it, avoid it please.
E:: Brain be empty, open, simple, and clear for all your discomfort and opportunities ::E
This is the real only actual ‘thing to do’ to ‘figure it all out’ is to let your mind think properly clearly and open. Be empty for it.
Yes be empty and open and ready for any opportunities.
CLARITY AND CALM is key in this. Because it lets everything be opened and fluid to be thought of and comprehended and decided.
I think the solution is, i know i can be sensitive, and I know I need to be TS sensitive and awake in order to actually reach anything. But i think it’s a waste of time and heart to try to be aware of EVERYTHING or try to wrap it up and contain it and make sense of it. What I know and can make sense of is my feeling and the present and the things right in front of me.
But if i leave as much time as possible to think about things, and do things, if I’m mostly conscious and awake (which i found out this like at the beg of the month), then that at least 1) clears things up in my brain 2) then that at least maximizes my resources (in my brain) and lets me be open.
F:: The sacrifice this means ::F
The sacrifice i must make for this is even when i most feel the need to watch something look at something, when it seems i have nothing to lose by it, when i’m at my most desperate to least desperate, i always must be open and clear. It’s not that big of a deal, don’t be dramatic, and there’s no point in worrying about myself at this time because it’s not the time and it’s not the prime opportunity to enrich my emotions, this isn’t for that.
For the millionth time, remove the need for euphoria. Discomfort is correct, It's the correct thing to hold on to in order to move on and change.
the sacrifice i need to make in order to do this is euphoria. This was my mission and i completely forgot. My mission is to be as awake and sensitive as possible. Not to have some type of wrapper of everything.
G:: Most important = communicate ::G
The most important thing is the normalize communication. Against everything, the PHYSICALITY of using muscles to talk, using your body as a whole as an effective communicator pushes you back into reason and maintenance. IT needs to be constant and continuous and the norm. That was the early covid change and difference. Its not for euphoria or huge revelations, it’s just a NORM an acceptance of all colors that will pass, an awareness of it. Through all lethargy and hatred.
finish school stuff with emptiness, only thinking of it and nothing else, with time completion in mind. After done with it, i’m desensitized, so DO NOT GO ONLINE.
I need to be more communicative and direct. no more art bullshit (for most stuff.)
I guess i really just don’t know how to deal with any situation logically. so that’s why i keep emphasizing LEARN SELF COMMUNICATION. TALK IT OUT> I DIDN’T HAVE IT AS A KID. DO I TNOW IT’S FINE.
See now that i know my current thoughts and mindset, my mindset is realized and awake, and now it needs to be conscious and developed. but freaking no. i let myself devolve and dissolve into the E.
I think specifically these shitty feeling are the one to focus on and feel and be aware of and explore. I try to push them away.
I think this colors my new mindset. Previously was like this arkadius thing, and i needed a jarring transition, and here i am i guess. it’s very uncomfortable but THAT’S GOOD. THAT MEANS IM CORRECTLY LOOKING AT IT.
THERE’S SOME CONCLUSIONS IN THE hand writing as well that r important, so look there as well if still confused.
they left this day btw
lethargy = lack of self respect worth value (angourie):
the logic in my monkey brain = there’s nothing that I WANT to think about. So there’s no point in doing the tasks i need to do, and no motivation to do them fast. to do things afterwards. like there’s nothing i WANT to do afterwards.
Like life outside of this is too depressing.
BUT OMG I HAVE MCQUEEN IN ME. REMEMBER MY PROMISE, MY TRUST IN MYSELF???? I AM NOT THIS PERSON. LIFE IS NOT JUST THIS.
Wasn’t this precisely exactly what you were trying to avoid? Wasn’t it? What’s wrong? [5:50 and i can’t do anything anymore]
If i can get out of this i can get out of anything….ok lets think what happened at beginning of semester
♬ツ✯ I think the issue is I don’t like my inner dialogue, i don’t have respect for her (like angourie), i don’t find her beautiful, i don’t find comfort in her voice, etc. But i TOLD you this would happen. I said, you have gotten to the point of complete self actualization and thoughts, and TRUST ME that you have. Everything feels empty, but i knew it would. I did find McQueen and everything with myself, i shouldn’t have that insecurity anymore. It’s just the nature of taming yourself to equations and electrons. I know my voice is ugly and blank and bland now, but I was once one with myself, i have found friendship with her. So let that UPLIFT YOU. Hold that security of self worth in.
I have no self worth. that’s the problem with desensitization and stress and submitting yourself to things you don’t understand, cold things.
I have nothing to fill me to inflate me nothing that i own.
BUT WE’VE LUCKILY FIGURED THIS ALL OUT <3 <3 You have worth, and you have owned beautiful thoughts and concepts and networks. Under time constraints and this training, this isn’t you, you can’t see it, those thoughts that were once your complete love of life are not within view, they’re in a different world. BUT REMEMBER YOU TOLD HER YOU’D TRUST HER. THAT I CAN ALWAYS GO BACK TO THAT. I have worth according to my MOST HIGHEST JUDGMENTAL SELF. SHE HAS ANALYZED AND BROKEN DOWN EVERYTHING TO THE HIGHEST DEGREE AND SHE TELLS YOU THAT there’s beauty in your ideas and thoughts, you just can’t see them at this circumstances. Don’t. Worry. Let yourself be stupid and let you hate yourself. This circumstances just prevents you from being yourself. You can always go back after this whole hell.
Trust that there is beauty in my brain. I’m just shut off from it right now, but now’s not the time for it <3 Don’t feel lethargic over lack of beauty in me. Just cause i can’t seem to be in the same universe as it at the moment. It exists.
I’m literally about to cry. This is my soul that gets lost. It’s why i feel so empty.
But I’m comforted by that knowledge, fulfilled by that knowledge. Now i can be in the present. I don’t need to search anymore. You’re not going to love yourself and own yourself right now, it’s not the time.
I think this whole thing really deep down is just emptiness and lack of respect and love and value for self. I was looking for myself looking for someone in side of me feeling dead.
Imagine if i didn’t go through all those stupid years of socialization, if i didn’t develop stupid defenses. ;…;; btw i also thought logically how sad everything is lol
Ian -> keep bothering, wanting to talk, have a purpose and honesty with self about it, then people get it and talk to you. it’s not respectful no but am i respectable no lol
THIS DOESN’T TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM IT!!!! IT DOESN’T.!!!! DOING SCHOOL ETC, AUTHORIY, ETC, ALL OF THAT IS STILL IN YOU. <3 <3 <3
I DON’T HAVE THAT INSECURITY ANYMORE, so i can be empty and present for things outside of my self concern such as —> electronic circuits!
respect a vague lift out of current view:
the cache of things you’ve rcerlyt thought about color your self respect and viewpoint on life.
♬ツ✯ The daily activities of studying and school really weight weight weigh and change my brain chmestiry into someone i hate and or is external and not belonging to me. It’s not drastic, it’s very gradual and subtle, noticeable. But I have something grander in me. please don’t forget </3
because the concerns become not from some inner fundamental but external, so i don’t know where to think.
THE QUALITIES of life are always past what your current self can comprehend, but i have reached it before.
theyswkenian strength angourie sensibles of self respect nd worth
♬ツ✯The things that school and doing assignments forces your brain to be proud of in order to move forward with this lack of inner connection, are imo stupid. it turns me stupid. so don’t feel proud of it, it’s not me. But it’s necessary.
And that’s what causes me to get looped up into these stupid conversations in my head, wrapped up in stupidly small insignifciant-to-the-soul things isignificant-to-theyskenian things. it’s my fault to truth be told, i could extend far beyond the actual material, past hw etc….think critically and creatively but i’m just not naturally like that i guess. takes a lot of social encouragement for me. But yeah remember all these little tiny manipulations small tiny random shit that i become acustomed to thinking about, that’s what school does, and you’re more than that. You’ve been amongst the big beautiful things you love with all your judgmental heart. Things that pass all the tests that anxiety perfectionism give it.
♬ツ✯ Yeah please recognize the things you RIGHT NOW find value in, are proud of urself for, think about now, put all the weight of the world in, care about, what you’re proud of saying, identify with, etc, are not you, and are stupid. Don’t place so much weight on it. Lol be very fla la la about it really. Don’t take it so seriously.
What ever containment or understanding or mindset or overall value towards self, there’s a better one that’s not in view. So relax.
This is what my lethargy is screaming about in disappointment ^^ But fly on the wings of this vague untouchable infinite value above anything you can see or think to exist
everything ur thinking rn is stupid. :) and be relieved by it :)
besides open and clear —> also UNLOOMED by assignments.
oh. my. god.
♬ツ✯ (i really don’t think so): my vision of pop = instead of finding love externally, finding romance with ugly struggles and your self obsession and personality. finding that goldmine of euphoria within yourself. gloria as well, find the world interesting and fine euphoria in that
♬ツ✯ postars 2 -> omg u never know what weird shit comes your way i’ve never felt more at home. this is what i thought the norm was. The VISION pierce through though, the sharpness of
watching this is the realistic heftiness of it. like it’s like not twisted and turned and edited for normal consumption, it’s the true press of it. it’s not dumbed down or destressed or packaged
the harshness, the push, the criticalness, the being seen at this potential incredible.
The relentless push towards a vision . the care nuture towards your perfectionism.
SCENE 23 IS WHAT I MEAN BY ‘NOHO’ that whole side of me. it’s the definition.
also a fever dream rn bc they[re not here and it’s windy and cold as hell
also if i feel dead and stuck in a moment of communication, it means it’s not continuous. if i m alive through a change to another stage another mindset, i find journey and aliveness and myself again 9aka today)
THER’S SO SO SO MUCH I WANNA SAY ABOUT SCENE23 BUT I CAN’T bc midterms, as well as gloria (if that was today)
the PHYSICAL breakdown
post posters scene 23 + gloria:
i keep search
ing for fulfillment externally lmao like a vampire
♬ツ✯ glorriaaaa -> network of ideas and love for life itself and interesting observations etc
i feel alive and awake today. the posters thing and gloria and ‘i really don’t think so’ and thoughts from yesterday revitalized me a bit
I need to write about popstars today tho, imma forget
but also i have the hacker rank to do lol :( i need to redo my resume etc and communicate about career stuff TODAY.
SO FINISH FINISH FINISH ASAp
♬ツ✯ my goal is to be bored and be ok with being bored and being empty for school
I think every other day is a good idea…..where did i put the keys tho…
Midterm’s on next wednesday….i don’t want to feel LOOMY. and pushed down by this stupidity omg. nonoonnoononoonono this is it. this is my worst fear. midterms. i’m becoming scrambled and panicked.
wasn’t this last minute half brain feeling the exact OPPOSITE of what i wanted??
♬ツ✯ look at my homework….i get everything wrong. never be confident. [HONEYLIGHTS] vs that ta office hours guy
A lot of the “rpretneding to be rational” thing i realize is just dishonesty about what i’ve done and not done. dishonesty with myself about abilities, what i’m nervous about, what i’m bad at. What i’m confused by or know nothing about
my very first academic failure this quarter <3 aww
u can’t do something like this then ever rightfully feel selfish or excuse yourself or be proud of yourself and that’s ok.
I’VE NEVER REALIZED HOW PHYSICAL the fear is based in. Like how it started out with that, and all the anxieties and mental habits and everything cling wrap around the physical paralyzation. The mental paralyzation and loops, all the weird manipulations it does to itself. Like this whole decade has just been about introspective and mental but really the CORE issue stems from fear of her physically hitting me, a PHYSICAL fear of doing what i need to do. It’s strange the neural pathways that paved and rationalized itself, but really the reason is so simple and physical. You don’t know how physical abuse develops in a kid mentally psychologically, it’s unexpected and that’s the issue.
+ have to lie about every little thing unconsciously, ofc im gonna social have issue with truth vs lies.
I’m literally an adult that could over power her, yet all of these inhibitions honestly honestly stem from just a physical fear of wanting to do something. all of the anxiety all of the hypervigilance. I internalized this and began to think it was a mental personality thing ie laziness anxiety stupidity inhibition the lack of proactivity the self defeat. the issue is SO PHYSICAL. it’s not mental at all. i’m not a fearful person personality wise whatsoever. I’m just physically fucking paralyzed from doing anything i’m gonna cry everything’s wrapped around this
it’s such a physical. fucking barrier. a physical fear of moving or doing anything i want. oh my god. I never realized how physically real the world is.
It’s like the ultimate release thing i wa talking about in ‘mommy,’ like it being my ultimate.the only real thing.
midterms starting next week, i’m starting to feel robbed
i don’t have anything from this day but i obsessed with janet and did some ee 18 hw and asking prof (like honeylights) and then some eec 1 and she kep nagging. at the beginning of the day she was being a bitch from the day before lauhing at every phrase etc but eventually the days are cold etc, the roommates are not here, etc so it kinda just turned and turned and it kinda got erally fall feeling. but reallllllyyyyy school’s starting to rob me of myself. it’s starting to feel like it’s taking away all of my fucking autonomy and that’s why i collapse starts. I looked at janet jackson concerts all night too lol. she’s so powerful and performance, the concert’s better when you turn off the sound. let yourself imagine the political speeches she’s making. my mom’s still constantly nagging every 5 seconds i recorded it so you can reminisce later about the impossiblity of everything.
i just wanna add this day was SO physical. like i talked to so many people to cooperate with homework, talk to professors etc. it’s strange. like before these few days everything lived in my head. having those characters of ideas come to life is always of course not what you can predict or control or contain within an idea, which is what scared me about real life.
i’ve also stared recording the little things m says so i can remember them. the constant nagging. etc.
yeah i’ve officially been robbed now ugh my soul
school’s starting to steal from me my autonomy and control of my time and mind everything
♬ツ✯ 1. she’s always had some weird need to constantly interject i don’t know WHY but i remember during debate specifically it all become so clear how during someone else speech she kept nagging me and poking me to read it. just like a constant need for communication or connection. connection with me? or is it ego? or loneliness? or thinking she’s better? i have no fucking clue what to fuck is wrong with her. but she physically can’t stop herself. Around other people as well. like all the roommates, she CAN”T stop typing paragraphs. it’s some weird issue
2. the thing with exams is it’s similar to competition. There’s nothing you can do at the time near then, the stress takes over and it become back to habits etc. But ALSO all the noise cuts out, like the excuses, everything cuts out and becomes clear which are excuses which were necessary etc. like your body knows really. But fo rme personally it makes me feel like i’m being robbed of autonomy. I can handle the content of the classes np, it’s just the feeling of being forced to do something. lol it sounds so stupid. but yeah i just feel like i’m being forced to do something at A CERTAIN SPECIFIC TIME. I don’t feel like i own my time my brain my priorities. but that’s why you do things earlier. also why isn’t my security in my unseen but elevated self not enough? it might be tbh…..but stress is just so fucking noisy. i hate it. i hate the loom. i hate this.
ALso i feel like a LOT has happened in the past few days weekish and like i haven’t been able to process it at all. and the inability to process is what leads to lack of control etc so anyways i need to go outside later today
more thoughts on physicality:
DO u know what’s so so strnage.....i feel more myself now than a week ago. even though i’m being robbed. Like the mess of this perhaps? idk idk what i mean by myself.....like over that last hour or two (it’s 5pm and 100 lecture is rn) i think fashion just resets me lol is that it. ugh i just love fashion shows bitch.
or maybe not enough physically happened. like when people are isolated, when everything is online, it’s like you can’t process that school is real. it’s hard to explain. but there’s not a physical validation that it’s real. The world is usually physical. Although perhaps cold.
is it just the need for excitation. is that really it u bitch.
OMG CAUSE I PHYSICALLY LIVED THIS WEEK. it wasn’t all in my head. i talked to people, i physically with her, the roommate thing. it’s not just me in my insulators bubble. so it sunk in finally.
Everything’s back to living in my head (it’s midnight):
♬ツ✯ A summary of dormancy:
I’m at the point where I’m just barely surviving. Which is what i promised I wouldn’t do. But it always just develops this way like my entropy towards oozing laziness.
The motivation to be above this comes from life, liveliness, love, beauty, curiosity, physicality, actualization, ownership of ideas. All of that goes away with loss of autonomy, of sense of self, freedom, your own metrics and point of view, being defined by a lattice, not connecting material to inner actuality or self thoughts, to lack of engagement, from not been seen with value or push.
The cause of this loss is both habits of the physics of my environment (mom, house, friends, life, myself,) by a million little things i can’t contain.
But ultimately it’s a self value issue. I lose my self worth and i can’t see myself it seems. It’s all entropy.
of course im "meng meng de” and dead. no shit. i’m not physically allowed to do anything.
♬ツ✯ i think it’s interesting how impossible this topic eec 100 seemed last winter. but now step by step it’s not that hard. like so much is just having a path there for you and following it. my brain is circular.
wow that’s exactly what i hated so much as a kid —> dormant nonphysical people. people dead inside. now where am i.
Every problem is fixed so physically. every problem i have the only real barrier is a physical fear of moving or starting of trying. because of her.
The euphoria that i always imagine = simple being physical. that’s all.
it’s strange i think.
The world is so physical. Real life is so physical.
That’s why COMPETITIONS and deadlines seem to do. Scene23 etc, PHYSICAL.
Suicidal thoughts, ENGAGE! :)
Thursday, June 18th of 2020.
Haven't written a forreal dated post in awhile.
Having a bad day.
Lets write things out.
Alright, whats going on for today:
I woke up, instantly thinking of him. I didn't wake up at 6am, but I did officially wake at 8:46am or something... Depression paralyzed me to bed. Not too fun, haha.
I had some dream where I was a mall cop/entertainer that was punished for not turning the local Mall Santa satanic to cause an amusing turmoil to the drama-and-pain loving followers of the cult inside of the mall. (My guess is that it symbolizes me not feeling like I got some sort of real revenge or feeling of power leaving Patrick, and unlike others who left me, there was no happy ending where I wreak havoc on them as others congratulate me for doing so.)
Weird symbolic dream, but still cool.... It also was designed to look like a Puppet Combo game, too. Huh. Odd.
Manifesting my ex to be hit by a bus and break their femur within 34 hours. Break their femur near their house. Within 34 hours. Hit by a bus. Broken femur.
Also, in my paralysis state, I realized I could only be content in life if Patrick were dead. Not to say I plan to kill him, but, if he were to die then I would care. Or if someone called me like, "Patrick is about to jump off his roof, come quick, talk him down", then I would show up. Do I hate a lot about him? Absolutely. Would I kick the shithead in his jaw and love to see his glasses fly off and hit the pavement? Maybe a little too fucking much to ever call me a sane human being. But sad thing is, if he ever did want to change, or talk, then I know I'd be the type of asshole to still pick up the phone.
Hell, I don't respect Marco whatsoever. But, I still give somewhat of a fuck about him. Somehow. He may be a dogshit human being that repeatedly cheated on the girl that loves him, all to put his chode inside of me and then immediately kick me out, (that prick,) and he likes to be a coward, loser, pessimist..... A shitty punk ass fuckface. God, Marco, you're such a slut, and I would force you to lick the pavement of a freshly shitted on San Francisco sidewalk with a grin on my face due to many more actions of you...... But, so far, opportunity hasn't arrived. And even if I have a very low opinion of him, I can at least go, "He's a dipshit, but he can be really good when the moment arises".
Like how when me and Matty broke up, (or moreso, Matty, hours after saying I was the only girl he wanted, romancey bullshit, dumped me the second his female best friend showed interest....) Marco was the one to drag the fuck outta Matty, and lecture him on the principle of "HEY, don't use women for sex, spin the idea that you love them and wanna be with them, then throw them out like hot garbage, ESPECIALLY when you KNOW she has trouble at home and was hoping to be protected by you in the way you promised her!"
........Marco may be a piece of shit, but I'll admit, I tear up to this day about that. He didn't even need to know the full terrible ass story. He just heard "I broke up with Tamia for JaLeah", and knew.
I don't respect him a lot, but that put him in a good place in my books.
Plus he's the designated fallback guy. Mainly because years of disrespect + him being called every name in the book hasnt gotten him to fuck off, since he also lacks self respect, and openly tells me I'm the hottest girl he's fucked.... (Flattered, lol,) = Marco clearly isn't gonna leave, taken or single, and will just keep trying to fuck me.
But he also will give me money for food, pay for Ubers, or do a phone call every once and awhile just to see that I am doing okay. He's such a jackass, but, you can't say he's not chivalrous before being a scumbag once we fuck. (Like the type of guy to put his jacket over a rainpuddle for a girl, and then will probably trip her into it once he gets what he wants from her.)
Potential to be a great guy. He doesn't really see it. And he refuses to let me ever tell him, without being a cock. Hence why he likes it better when I insult him or give him the toughest love possible..... It's what he's used to from his abusive family, I guess. :/
Anyway, feeling better now that I write this.
I also blocked Kieran today.
I try not to block people if they're being distant. But, its still an ego thing.
I stopped doing that after several moments with Patrick.
When I almost blocked him before we ever met for being a huge dry texter.... Luckily, I did not block him. I simply was half asleep, so I decided to send him a meme about peeing in rectums captioned "this could be us, but you don't reply to my texts", and went to bed....
Surprisingly, that had worked???????? He was just kinda like "oh are you hitting on me? i thought we were already doing that". Bada bing, bada boom, we ended up dating.
And then incident two, of course, where I blocked him after that cemetary hangout or whatever..... I could tell it was lingering guilt, and a crush, when a week passed between cutting off him and Mari, (a stank ass bitch,) and alas...... I missed him a lot, sadly.
So then of course, called him up. He agreed to meet me. Awkward apology and rekindling of friendship. Him being ridiculously confused as to why I was so annoyed at the cemetery, me admitting my Asuka-esque feelings for him.... And bada bing bada boom, we had started dating again!
So, I didn't wanna block Kieran.
Buuuut I can tell when I'm more into a person than they are actually into me.
We seemed to have a lot in common; NB related stuff, political "kill and eat the rich" mindsets, good shit.
I don't know.
It's like..... you never know when something is overreacting or not.
Or when a situation can either be "i shouldn't have said that", or "i did what was right".
Since I should've left Patrick at the first signs of him:
Lying to me.
Being overly suspicious and openly hiding the truth from me.
Cowardice. (Getting spat on, and the lying yet again...)
Me openly discussing how a situation negatively impacts me, (especially when shit like lying or inability to communicate fucked with my physical health terribly,) and him dismissing it as not his problem, so, not his worry. (That's why he gets left on read on Tinder and dresses like shit.)
Shit like that is why he got aired out on Twitter, with his ungrateful and unthoughtful ass. A bitchass fuckin loser. Gosh. FUCK.
Gonna relax my face muscles.
So anyway, I just unblocked Kieran.
Well..... I don't know.
I saw this meme and it had made me reconsider.
I just need time for the steam to blow off.
They seem neat, buuuuut yknow.
I'm not the absolute best at rejection. (Or I could be, if niggas didn't have me waiting 4 days or more just to hear if its reciprocated or not.... come on hoe, dont give me problems today.)
It started off okay. I eventually got too many panic attacks over the idea of hiding my feelings, told them.... it had went well.
We talked a lot more, aaaand it went pretty nicely.
Learned a lot about em.
Shit kept falling off......
Just unblocking them and not dealing with them. No energy for blocking since I feel too guilty, but, no waiting up either.
Plus, some other dude with nice eyes hit me up, so I'll live.
4:23pm. Alright, gonna do a feet pic live to make some money for sushi for the week.