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#where i can afford or stop working to get top surgery :
hairmetal666 · 4 months
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Steve who goes on a Bake Off type show after Robin, Dustin, and Max set him up as a contestant. He doesn't want to, doesn't think baking or cooking should be stressful, but he's been wallowing since his knee surgery took him out of work and basketball, since his divorce.
His first day on set, he's totally gobsmacked by the sexy host with all the tattoos and long, curly hair. Just, cannot take his eyes off the guy, blushing and stammering whenever he comes around to do interviews, obviously can't stop starring.
After the first day, where he manages to stay comfortably in the middle of the pack, he calls Robin to complain about what a mess he becomes around this gorgeous dude.
Her response is to cackle and say, "Steve! How do you not know who Eddie Munson is? Oh my god, you're a disaster."
Turns out, Eddie Munson is the lead singer of Dustin's favorite band, Corroded Coffin, and also pretty well-known for his dnd YouTube channel. He's been a host on the show for years, only Steve doesn't really pay attention when the others watch it and didn't know.
Eddie, for his part, is losing his mind. He'd known about the beautiful contestant for this season, former college basketball superstar turned coach, having a hell of a shitty year after dislocating his kneecap in a charity game. Eddie--foolishly, it turns out--thought he wouldn't be as attractive in person. He also expected Steve to be terrible and egotistical, a jock through and through.
So, when Steve Harrington walks into the tent in a short-sleeved polo and obviously ironed jeans and is still drop-dead gorgeous, he's fucking flabbergasted. And then Steve has the audacity to be nice? Kind and thoughtful and running to help other bakers when he still has work to do himself? He also blushes so pretty, high across his nose and cheeks, and god does hewant to be the reason Steve blushes like that.
Eddie is beside himself.
Leading up to the second week, Steve schools himself into being calm around Eddie. He can't afford to lose his cool like that every time the host is around. Except, this week Eddie flirts with him shamelessly. Winks at him, leans into space, calls him "m'lord" with this deeply resonant voice that makes Steve want to drop to his knees. Steve doesn't mean to, not really, but he flirts right back, feeding Eddie tidbits of his bakes and looking for any excuse to touch him.
Steve does well for the first half of episodes. He never wins the technical or star baker, but he's regularly within the top contestants. On episode five, though, something is off. He's distracted, forgetful, doesn't leave enough time for his custard to set in the signature. Eddie asks if he's okay, but Steve shrugs and smiles, says "off my game today."
But then, in the technical, he curdles his buttercream more than once, and his genoise sponge burns. Eddie watches as Steve folds his arms above his head and disappears from view. He doesn't hesitate, he sprints from his interview, falling to his knees in front of the contestant.
"Stevie, sweetheart, what's going on?"
"I get migraines," Steve whispers. Trails of wet streak down his cheeks. "I've felt one coming all morning, been trying to stave it off but--"
"Okay, okay," Eddie shakes out his hands. "You can sit out this challenge, yeah? Or take this weekend off. It happens. You'll come back next week--"
"I don't want to stop." More tears fall from his eyes.
"What do you need?"
Steve shakes his head, wry little smile pulling at his lips. "Time to breathe."
Eddie glances up, eyes catching on the camera crew hovering in front of them. He throws both middle fingers up and says, in the most reasonable and even tone, "fuck!" Everyone in the tent looks at him, but he doesn't stop. "Shit!" "Bitch!" Motherfucker!" He goes on and on, saying the filthiest series of things he can think of. The camera crew steps away, another contestant brings Steve a glass of water, and Eddie sits with him.
The other host announces that there are thirty minutes remaining in the challenge.
"Well. That's that, then," Steve says. He stands, patting the naked skin of Eddie's knee where it shows through the rip in his jeans as he goes.
"Wait, what do you mean?"
"Out of time, no cake, no buttercream."
Eddie hops to his feet. "You're going to let that stop you?"
"Well." Steve laughs. "Can't serve this." He gestures to his discarded bowls of frosting, his burnt cake.
"You have time to make another buttercream."
Steve raises an eyebrow. "Sure, but not the cake."
"Cut the burnt off. Cover it in the buttercream. Easy peasy."
"Okay..." Steve stares at his station. "Okay, that could work. It won't be pretty, but--"
Eddie, knowing he's no longer needed, steps away, and Steve gets to work.
Steve tells Robin all about it and, as soon as he gets home from the taping and she's immediately like, "Eddie Munson, huh?"
He shoots her a look. "It's nothing."
"Yeah, him leaping over a table to check on you is surely nothing."
"Robin," he warns.
"What?"
"Eddie would never want a guy like me."
She laughs but quickly grows sober. "Steve. Of course he would. He likes you."
"It's nothing, really." He walks towards the kitchen. "What do you want for dinner?"
Eddie experiences the same harassment from his band members and their manager.
"You're gonna ask Harrington out, right?" Gareth asks.
"That would be a little bit of a professional conflict of interest," he deadpans. He doesn't look up from his guitar.
A puffed Cheeto smacks him square in the forehead. "Hey!" He shrieks.
"He means once the season is done, Edward," Chrissy says.
He wipes the cheese dust from his forehead. "Not a good enough reason to call me Edward. Anyway, I'm pretty sure he's straight."
Jeff guffaws. "C'mon, dude. No way. He's so into you he might as well have a neon sign."
"He divorced a woman."
"That doesn't mean anything, and you know it," Chrissy says.
Eddie rolls his eyes. "I may be considering asking him out. Maybe."
Everyone cheers. More Cheetos hit him in the face.
---
To Steve's great surprise, he makes it to the finals. Not just makes it, he gets a star baker, gets first in the semi-final technical. He's baking in the final and might have a fucking chance.
It's with great surprise, once it's all said and done, that he hears his name announced as the winner. He doesn't have much time to process it, because Eddie is striding towards him. He's not carrying the cake stand trophy or flowers, it's just Eddie.
Eddie who stops in front of him, eyes shining. Eddie who leans in and whispers, "I knew you could do it, baby, I'm so proud of you." Eddie who twines his fingers through Steve's hair, pulling him into a soft, sweet kiss.
The internet explodes as the season airs. Everyone is obsessed with Steve and Eddie. They have fics on ao3, a dedicated tumblr community, edits, playlists, gif sets, a ship name all dedicated to them. The fandom grows after episode 5 airs. Not all the footage makes it, thanks to Eddie, but they still witness him tenderly taking care of Steve and directing the cameras away. Fans start scouring their social medias, looking for any hint of their relationship status; even beg them in comments and DMs to reveal if it was just a showmance.
Eddie and Steve, however, are happy in the quiet little world the carved out for themselves after filming. They aren't ready to reveal anything, even hints, whether or not the show would let them.
Then, the final airs and the kiss is revealed to the world. The ending title cards show a picture of Steve with the rest of the season's bakers and the caption, "Steve threw a party for the other bakers..."
The picture then changes to one of he and Eddie, arms wrapped around each other. This caption says: "...at the home he shares with his boyfriend Eddie."
That night, in bed, Steve says, "I'm really glad Robin and the kids made me go on the show. But do you think it's bad that the thing I'm happiest about, way more than winning, is that I met you?"
Eddie places a slow circle of kisses in the dip of Steve's lower back. "Sweetheart, I'd be disappointed if you said anything else. Now, hush, I have a baking champion to congratulate."
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jupitervega · 11 months
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fleein the south part II
hi, i'm ri & i'm an autistic nonbinary trans guy-lite-ish person. 4 years ago i moved out to denver from mississippi (where i was born & raised) & immediately had a massive improvement in my quality of life. i was able to access medical & psychiatric care, my career stabilized, people were addressin me with correct terms for the most part, & i was startin to feel like life had finally begun
unfortunately when the lease ran out on our house end of summer last year my roommates decided not to renew, & then the people who were gonna be my new roommates backed out last minute. in a panic i looked for other options but with time runnin short & top surgery approachin i decided to recover at a friend's house & move back to mississippi once my surgeon cleared me to travel cross country so i could regroup somewhere i figured would be less expensive & at least somewhat familiar
that, friends, was a very costly & painful mistake! every single problem that made me wanna move away in the first place has only exacerbated!
i'm comin up on 8 months post top surgery, i have a beard, & i'm still gettin called ma'am/she/her. trump flags & signs still adorn many yards/porches here. hatred & bigotry run rampant in local politics. the other day i didn't even enter one of the convenience stores in the town where i live when i stopped by because they had posted a very thinly veiled racist sign on the door
when i arrived back here i was not even a full month outta surgery & i had a minor complication, so i went to the emergency room cause what else was i sposed to do? applied for charity as i had around $100 to my name at that point, which i THINK? got approved? also applied for mississippi medicaid the same day, which got denied almost outright as i have no children. so i've been uninsured since november & rationin the 3 month supply of my psych/migraine meds i received before leavin colorado for goin on 7 months. never mind bein able to access hrt!
job prospects here are Not Great! i've had to collect unemployment for a while as i cannot for the life of me find a full time job with a livin wage. otherwise i literally cannot make ends meet as the jobs i've held so far down here are payin average 50% or less of what i was makin in denver. even with the part time gigs i've had i have yet to crack 30hr/wk on any kind of regular basis
housin is an absolute shitshow. my lease is up 1 july (got a month extension) & i've been searchin everywhere for an affordable place of my own or at least a good roommate. the more affordable studio/1bd apartments go for around $700 & up, but most have income requirements of 2.5-3x the monthly rent which, considerin previous point abt wages, is near impossible. roommate listins are available but the majority are questionable at best & seekin a live-in bangmaid at worst
with all these considerations i spent the past few weeks feelin worse & worse lookin for somewhere close to the job i currently have. the leases are like 6mo-1y so i was picturin another year down here & how i was gonna survive, let alone thrive. my thoughts got darker & darker. i'd wake up in the mornin & be sad/disappointed i'd survived the night
this is no way to live
i snapped a few days ago. said to myself "if i'm destined to struggle wherever i go, i'd rather do it somewhere i actually Wanted to be in the first place" & started applyin for housin in denver. waitin to hear back from my first option & have secured a backup with a friend with a spare room for 6mo in case that falls through
right now i need help gettin the hell out! i've got first month's rent already put back, i can continue to collect unemployment until i land a good job in denver, & i'm already reachin out to find somewhere to work. i just don't have anywhere to go for another month or two to save the money i'll need to travel almost 1200mi (~1900km) back to colorado. i'll need at least $500 to make gas/food happen durin the time it will take me to get there, & i need it by the first of july (38 days from day of postin)
please help me escape!!!
ca: $jupitervega
vmo: jupitervega
ppal
please please please donate whatever you're able! pls boost!
thank u so much for readin, pls have an item from my emergency happy photo folder for yr enjoyment
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apricotbuncakes · 2 months
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"How does donating to your GoFundMe support your Top Surgery?"
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I'm glad you asked about this -> gofundme and how it works!
But first: if you can't afford to donate, REBLOG THIS TO HELP IT REACH MORE PEOPLE. You can also repost it to other sites or share directly with those you know can help! This helps a lot because I'm unable to constantly reblog and share it, limiting my reach to external communities.
GoFundMe, in it's most basic explanation, is a collection service that tracks how much money a certain fund has been donated to and holds onto it for the individual/group/organization until they withdrawl (or 'cash out') the money.
GoFundMe takes a portion of what is donated to keep their own business running, but most of it still goes to the person you intended to donate to! This is also why surpassing a goal when on a crowdfunding service is extremely important. If I got exactly 10,000 in donations, I wouldn't have actually made all of that money because of the portion that is taken out.
That said, it is still incredibly helpful! Of the money that I can receive from the donations, I can put that towards so many different things!!
Due to legislation and otherwise hostile environments being created for trans people across the United States (in what is rightfully being called a genocide, but I digress) I'm choosing to go the 'out of pocket' route for top surgery, meaning I'm not relying on my insurance for the procedure. Insurance can take significantly longer, and they have a limited number of people in network (aka people who accept my insurance for payment) that can perform this. It can also limit 'cosmetic' aspects, even if those things are considered standard practice, like nipple crafts.
Basically, by paying 'out of pocket' I'm allowing myself a shorter wait time because im not having to fight with insurance, or sacrificing quality over coverage.
Is crowdfunding my only option to cover this? No! I'm saving up what I can, but I work an hourly-wage job that is considered under livable wage even though it's above the minimum. I'm scheduled to work 116 hours at a part time job for college students, just in the month of March. Because I'm disabled in several aspects, this is taking a significant toll on my physical well being. I am in a better position than other people because I'm living with one of my partner's family who provides transportation, rent (housing), electric, and water utilities, and in trade I help with food through Food Assistance, a portion of the car payment, and my portion of the phone bill. I'm also paying back the minimum monthly cost for my student loans (though I'm working to get that paused for the time being). But I'm still not making $1,000 a month after taxes and bills, which means that without spending extra money, I'm only saving a few hundred a month on my own for this goal.
All of that means that I'll need to look into financing options, what are essentially loans for medical procedures. That's where the crowdfunding comes in. While I am able to make monthly payments to cover this, depending on the plan, interest can start up in under a year. With a $10,000 surgery (that price includes the estimated costs for doctor visits, tests/scans, the procedure itself, aftercare supplies, money set aside for bills while I can't work during recovery, etc) waiting to pay all of that after the interest has started adding could take literal years, and I'd be pouring more money than I can afford into it. By crowdfunding however, I would be able to get the surgery and prior/post supplies and expenses paid for, and then pay for most (if not all) of the finances/loans I took out for it after.
Basically, in my circumstances, the crowdfunding is being raised to help me pay the loans I need for this procedure off, amongst other expenses related to the surgery.
"But why do you NEED top surgery?"
Without getting into the statistics, or even legislative parts of it (and what may try to stop me from getting it by proxy), I'll stick to the facts of my individual situation.
My breasts are a literal pain in my back, and with Fibromyalgia (a disability that causes chronic pain, even when 'nothing' is wrong, a poor explanation but one that is satisfactory for this discussion) it just makes it that much worse. My breasts are rather large and are causing me a great deal of struggle to even breath properly because of their weight.
Even if that wasn't the case though, they cause me significant gender dysphoria, meaning my body is distressing me because it doesn't match my perceived sense of self as a man (or masc) person. Socially, emotionally, and mentally, they limit my transition and health, so removing them is in my best interest (my therapist even agrees). Getting this surgery done ASAP is a priority for me because of this, as well as the aforementioned growing hostility for trans people, and Anti-Trans legislation that feeds into that.
"What else are you doing to raise money?"
I understand that some people are cautious to donate money to someone who may not bring doing tbeir on effort to save money themselves.
As I said before, I'm saving what I can with my disposable income (or money that does not go directly to bills and expenses). I'm not spending on frivolous things (for me, that's eating out, new clothes, trinkets, subscription services or otherwise unneeded items). Unneeded items do not include pet supplies, medication expenses, NEEDED clothing (like weather appropriate clothes for the season), hygiene products like deodorant and soap, and other items that are not bills but are still needed.
But I'm also going to start applying for grant/scholarship money for trans people, or money I don't have to pay back. This money (should I qualify AND receive it) will go directly towards my surgery expenses so I don't have to pay as much money back on loans.
There is a chance I won't receive any of them that I apply for, which is why my gofundme goal is the total cost still, so I'm not low balling myself and having to raise the goal later.
If you really want to, I'm also opening commissions (three slots total). Because I'm packing myself to the brim with my main job, I won't be able to complete them as quickly, though I will work on them as frequently as possible. Commissions have the benefit of the money going DIRECTLY to me, so gofundme doesn't get a cut of it.
Have any other questions? My ask box and DMs are open!!
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so my self-image is weird bc like. there's the way I see myself and the way (I think) others perceive me
and the last bit makes things especially confusing bc being audhd makes reading other people really fucking difficult and some of it just doesn't make sense to me
like as an example I try my fucking hardest to like... track how well I've passed depending on how I look and sometimes that shit just doesn't make sense to me??
rambling and photos under the cut
like, okay, 2013, the year after I came out when I finally had my first Boy Haircut and got a bunch of Boy Clothes bc I was obsessed with passing
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and as far as I can tell, I did pass reasonably well
then skip ahead to 2016 when I finally got a hairstyle I liked FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE and had started experimenting w dressing more fem again and started T aaaaaaand I stopped passing
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and even w my voice changing I still got "she" A LOT, consistently, no matter how I had my hair or how I dressed, masc or fem and even after top surgery in 2018 right thru to 2019 where in the first part of the year my hair grew out bc I couldn't afford to get it cut AND bleached (and was too afraid to bleach it at home) until I just got tired of being misgendered at work and got it cut w my natural hair colour and then SUDDENLY I PASSED PERFECTLY. NOBODY HAD A FUCKING CLUE WHEN I WENT TO UNI - this was also the skinniest I've been in my adult life, I still wore a mostly dark colour palette and didn't really have any facial hair yet
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.....and then I went back to blond (and also started parting my hair rather than brushing it over) in 2020 and started getting misgendered again?? that was when i started really moving towards more pastel in my everyday wardrobe but a lot of the time I was def still more on the masc end of the spectrum, and also finally started showing a bit of facial hair (or, at least, a neckbeard) and also putting weight back on
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and that just continued p much consistently since, no matter how I dressed or had my hair and at this point I genuinely have no idea how I'm perceived in the everyday - I've gone through several hair changes, my everyday wear is p much entirely pastel these days, I have fairly visible facial hair which I often emphasize w eyebrow powder/pens and I'm p chubby again and I can never really tell what I'm gonna get?? I've had days w shorter hair, no makeup and a darker, more masc outfit and gotten "she", but then I went out the other week in a full pastel outfit w a skirt and makeup and my pink/blue hair that's gonna hit my shoulders any day now and got an affirmation from somebody who thought I was a girl just for a second and then realised I'm not which. BLEW MY FUCKING MIND, THAT NEVER HAPPENS
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and obv I try not to let how others, particularly strangers, perceive me dictate... well, anything, but at the same time it's disheartening to have spent a decade figuring out who the fuck I am, doing affirming things like hormones and surgery and dressing in ways that make me happy and then repeatedly get feedback from most of the world that it doesn't matter who I am, I look some kind of way so I must be something else
and especially when I don't actually know what the thing I'm doing "wrong" is!!! is it my hair?? my clothes?? my weight??? height?? the way i talk?? the way i stand???? I HAVE NO IDEA
i don't really have a point w this, it's just something i think about a lot and it puzzles me
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honeysaliva · 6 months
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I can't wait until I can afford therapy because to go from your dream job to 2 jobs that made you feel like the gum on the bottom of a shoe, while watching your friends "succeed" (or at least move forward in their lives) is mind killing. The second job took me to a place where I no longer wanted to be here (to the point where I made a plan) and made me stop trusting humans. Combine that with realizing your past traumas, trusting the wrong people (part of it being male validation /pukes), and discovering my neurospiciness... My confidence is nonexistent. I've basically been put on reset.
I have such a fear of abandonment, which is ironic with how much I push people away, but that's a classic. Socializing gives me so much anxiety now and I feel like a scared little chihuahua if someone even says hi in a video game.
Next week, I am talking to my Doctor about new medications, but I hope she doesn't make me feel ignored, as that's pretty common with her. I hope I can find new meds that can motivate me to be a human again.
I really want to start working out for my mental health, but I don't know where to start. Sometimes I think about running, but I don't have the funds for new shoes. My dream is to get into boxing. Also, (TW Body talk!!!!!) my body has changed so much and it's so hard to be comfortable in it. Why did I have to get boobs for the first time ever now that I realized I don't want them? On top of that, I have so many new stretch marks, 50 lbs due to medication, and a keloid scar that needs surgery to be removed, so I barely recognize myself anymore. I want to love my body SO BAD.
I probably should get a journal instead of using my tumblr like a livejournal. lol
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altheterrible · 1 year
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At the end of October, I made what was basically a throwaway post about Lung Health Day. Basically, this is a day that is “dedicated to raising awareness about chronic lung complications and educating others on how we can make a difference.” (https://www.michiganinstruments.com/2022/10/us-lung-health-day-2022/)
I only have one working lung, due to something called diaphragm paralysis, which is a fairly rare and unknown lung condition. It was caused about five years ago when I fell down a flight of stairs and injured a nerve in my neck, leading to paralysis of the right side of my diaphragm. Basically, my right lung is now a useless crumpled up ball in my upper right thoracic cavity. Thanks to this injury, I now have chronic shortness of breath that has placed a lot of limits on my physical abilities. It has also caused a slew of other weird effects too numerous to list out. Obviously, this has impacted my quality of life, and I’ve spent these last 5 years trying to adapt to a new normal. Surgery might help, but I can’t afford it at the moment, and until then, this is my life.
My post was simple. I made a polite request on behalf of people with lung problems: please don’t smoke or vape in places where other people can’t avoid exposure to your secondhand smoke, such as bus stops or near doorways.
This post has over 7000 notes now, and it’s by far my most popular post. Mostly, people have been supportive. But there have been some less than supportive comments as well—and I’m now getting weirdly aggressive anonymous asks accusing me of things I never said or implied in any way—so I want to address that.
My reasoning for my original post, which I did not outline (as it was a throwaway post that I never expected would go anywhere) was that lung diseases are by and large invisible, so you never know who your smoke is affecting. If someone is already having trouble breathing, inhaling smoke is uncomfortable and can lead to further shortness of breath, especially if they start coughing.
Obviously, being unable to breathe sucks. It’s scary. I’ve been living with constant shortness of breath for almost 5 years, and you know what? It’s still scary. If I inhale secondhand smoke and start coughing on top of my regular shortness of breath, that’s MORE scary.
People with lung problems can end up coughing so much from secondhand smoke that we throw up. We get headaches. We get dizzy. I’ve even had a panic attack because of a coughing fit triggered by secondhand smoke. I think I speak for most people with lung problems when I say that we would like to avoid those things.
My post wasn’t asking for much. I didn’t demand for smokers to never smoke anywhere in public, ever. I never said I thought that smoking should be illegal. I never said I think that smokers are bad people. I just thought it would be nice if I could wait for the bus or walk into a gas station without ending up coughing so hard I turn blue.
Most of the comments on my post have been from other people with lung disorders describing their experiences navigating issues with secondhand smoke. Other comments have been from people who don’t have lung disorders specifically, but have other medical problems that are exacerbated by secondhand smoke, such as migraines and allergies. I’ve enjoyed learning about how all these other people with various other lung and non-lung issues are affected by secondhand smoke.
I think it’s important for people with disabilities to be able to talk about their lived experiences, and I am happy my post provided validation for their feelings and a space to vent. I don’t agree with everything every single one of these folks has said in the comments of my post; a lot of people have been angrier about smokers than I was. That said, I don’t feel like it’s my place to tone police them or tell them how to feel about their experiences with their disabilities. And really, I think anger, irritation, and frustration are normal responses to people whose actions are causing you harm, whether that harm is intended or not.
Thus, I haven’t been aggressively curating the comments on my original post. However, I did end up hiding 2 comments because I felt like those commenters were inappropriately hijacking a post about the experiences of disabled people to address tangentially-related issues. The issues they raised were important in their own right, but my post was not the place for those comments. Speaking over those with lung diseases and other issues that are directly exacerbated by secondhand smoke to call attention to the needs of smokers as addicts was, I felt, tasteless. Still rather than call out those people directly, I just hid their comments.
I don’t know if it’s related, but I have in the last day or so gotten two angry asks saying things like I am ableist against addicts, I’m a puritan, and I’m classist (because poor people tend to be smokers, I guess?). My original post, which I wrote in 30 seconds on my phone, says nothing that could be construed in that way, so I’m not sure where it’s coming from. I would like for it to stop.
I guess the TL;DR for all of this is that just because a stranger comments something on a post I made a month ago, that doesn’t mean I’m in full agreement with everything they said. But also, as a disabled person, I’m not going to tell other disabled people how to feel about their lived experiences as disabled people. And finally, it’s kind of shitty to hijack a post calling attention to the harm caused to disabled people by secondhand smoke to ask those disabled people to consider the needs of smokers, actually.
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fucknuggetmaguire · 6 months
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rant/vent ahead
I've been out of high school for a few months now I realize that I'm barely into adulthood at all but I genuinely feel like I'm failing at adulthood already. I work basically full time lately which I'm fine with, that doesn't bother me, but I dont really make that much money. I still live with my mom which again is fine it doesn't really bother me, my boyfriend lives with us too which is super awesome. but it would be nice if my boyfriend and I had our own place. we can't really move out, though, because my boyfriend is starting full time post secondary in january and I don't make enough money to fully support us. that's another thing is that my boyfriend has an idea and drive for what he wants to do with his life (which is what he's going to school for) and I just don't. i have no idea what to do with my life or what kind of career to go into. and I know that I'm still really young and I don't need to have a plan but I'm so terrified of getting stuck.
I'm so fucking scared that I'm never going to be able to get a job that pays higher than barely above minimum wage because I would need some kind of higher education for that or job experience I can't fucking get. and I'm terrified that when my boyfriend and I do move out we are gonna struggle really bad because we won't be making a lot of money (his career is high paying but it takes some time to get a good start, kind of free lancing/taking odd jobs for the first while). I don't want to be stuck at a low paying job that is not sustainable long term but I just have no idea how I can possibly get out of it.
and then there's also the fact that I want to get top surgery hopefully in the next few years. and that shit is not cheap. I'm wanting to go to a clinic that is not in my area and I think I might be able to get coverage for surgery costs but no travel or accommodations. I'm also not even sure if I'll be able to get surgery coverage cause of course the government is not clear about what they'll help with. and then when I do eventually get top surgery I'll need to be off work for like 6 weeks MINIMUM. if I still work my current job then I'll probably have to wait even longer because it requires some lifting and a lot of movement in the arms and torso that would not be healthy during early recovery. and then I'd have to worry about how on earth I'm going to afford to be out of work for so long because I can get medical unemployment benefits since the surgery is considered "elective" and who knows if I'll be working at a job with paid time off.
I feel so fucking scared about where my life is going just because I don't know where it's going. and the place I live is starting to get more and more unfriendly to trans/queer people so there's also this creeping fear in the back of my mind that says "what happens if you run out of time? what happens if the government stops providing coverage for surgeries? what is going to happen to you if you are forced to 100% cover all costs and expenses of your transition? will you be able to take that?" and that's a really fucking scary thing to think about
anyway, I constantly feel like I'm failing at life and like my entire life from now on is doomed to crash and burn. so that's super fun
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litcomp3 · 11 months
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Stereotypes
“The Myth of a Latin Woman” by Judith Ortiz Cofer discusses stereotypes specifically towards Hispanic women; however, as a non-Latina, I want to get into the stereotypes of black women. In the story, she talks about how Latinas are often given these one-dimensional characters in shows or movies which helps the media put them in a box. She mentions how Latinas are sexualized; unfortunately, black women also suffer from this. We are not only hypersexualized in the media but also portrayed as super aggressive. 
Ebony p0rn has consistently been a part of the top searches on p-hub for years, but how come black women arent this cared for in society? People clearly love the stereotypical black female body as we see alarmingly increasing rates of BBLs in this decade. Historically, black women were raped and abused due to the fetishization of our bodies or just pure racism. Bringing this back to our current climate, black women are often expected to look a certain way and perform a certain way in bed. These high expectations can take a toll on one’s mental health especially because they are unrealistic. Black women often place these same expectations on ourselves which causes young girls to go under the knife trying to achieve this body type that is unhealthy. Then for the girls who can’t afford surgery, they would lack self-confidence since they don’t fit into this mold of black woman. The story mentions how dehumanizing this is especially when people get harassed or get called names either something provocative, racially motivated, or both. Even when people think they’re being flattering by calling us Nubian Black Queens, it’s still very weird. The sad part is this is only one end of how black women are portrayed in the media.
On the opposite end, black women are seen as these ghetto, ignorant, aggressive women who don’t need protection. The number of times I’ve been accused of having an attitude or being mean when I simply just sit in silence. Black women often have to fight against the stereotype of us being too aggressive, so we belittle ourselves to make everyone else feel comfortable. We have to be overly nice and overly giving just so we aren’t seen as a threat and treated as such. This stereotype is harder to ignore because this affects our everyday lives whether we’re at work. You need to be seen as likable so you can get a promotion or you’re getting pulled over by the cops and don’t want to be seen as hostile so you can make it home to your family. This aggressive persona tends to adultify young black girls and masculate all black women. People aren’t as inclined to help black women because we’re “strong” and “independent”. It was this story in the news about this young black girl, around age 10, who was walking alone on the side of the highway in the middle of the night and was found dead a few days later in a nearby woods. I can’t help but think that if that little girl was white, someone would’ve stopped her and asked her where was her mom. I mean I see missing white girls on the news all the time yet black girls go missing at a disproportionately larger rate. I’m not saying that white people deserve less news time but I do think black people deserve just as much.
-N. Beamon
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tw: sexual assault, betreyal(?), puking, self harm mention, stuff like that. Sorry if it's too descriptive im really shaken
Im ftm and aroace and moved to a new town a while back and I've been trying to make some more friends so I've been going to events around town that I find interesting (mostly book related stuff, movies, etc). A while ago I went to a poet's work shop and met a guy that I thought could be a friend and we have some cool conversations about intellectual stuff.
Yesterday something similar happened where there was a small event at a book store and there was a guy and I thought we could be friends (and I though I passed? I have a gender neutral name) so we traded numbers and agreed to meet up around the same area today to continue chatting about the books we've been reading and some psychology related stuff
but he didn't see me as like another guy friend and i guess I don't pass as much as I think I do (I've been on T for 3 years and will soon get top surgery) because he thought I was a girl. I was walking back to my bus stop after we had lunch and talked and..
He pulled me around a corner into an alley area and started making out with me and I tried pushing him away but he really grabbed onto me and wouldn't stop touching me and like it kept on happening and it triggered a flashback for me and I end up freezing up a lot during those (sibling sexual abuse when I was younger) and he pushed me down and forced me to suck him and
My phone went off because there was an alarm to remind me to go get groceries on there but it was loud enough a distraction that I could bite him and pretend to answer the call and I ran out of there and blocked his number on my phone but I feel so gross and horrible and I can't get the taste out of my mouth and I threw up multiple times and had a panic attack
When I got back to the room I'm renting I brushed my teeth enough times that my gums were almost bleeding and I washed my hands with antibacterial soap and a ton of hand sanitizer and I chugged mouth wash and threw up again but I feel so fucking bad and I thought my ptsd was getting better but it's so bad and I hate myself so much for thinking I could make friends and I hate cis guys so much
is there anything I can do to make this easier? any good distractions? I tried asking my friend if I could go over to her place and hang out but she said she's too busy and I don't really have anyone else I can go ask so I'm just trying to distract myself and not self harm. On the bus ride home every time I heard a man talking I wanted to just beat them up or do something just I can't stand it
Do you have any advice or anything? please I really just want to wipe the day from my mind completely everything feels so bad and wrong and disgusting and I can't stand the thought of wearing anything less than 3+ layers of clothing that covers me completely and gloves but just the feeling of my own tongue touching my lips makes me gag. I'm sorry this is so messy I just really really really hate everything right now
Hi anon,
I'm so sorry about what happened to you. Everything you feel about what happened is valid. Please know that you are not alone.
For your own mental health, I recommend looking into getting a therapist if that is accessible or affordable for you, and if you don't already have one. Therapy can help you process this experience in a healthy way with the guidance of a professional. You deserve the highest quality care, especially during this time.
It's unfortunately important, especially as a trans person, to have whatever tools you may need to defend yourself, whether that's pepper spray or mace, rape alarm, brass knuckles, or personal safety apps like Rave Guardian or Sister that track your location and send alerts to selected contacts if you're not home by a certain time. It's also vitally important to go with a friend or someone you know if you're meeting up with someone you don't know very well.
I saw this thread that reminded me of this situation, so I wonder if that resonates with you. I also found this resource on how to practice self care after assault.
Please remember to be patient and gentile with yourself as you move forward. You went through a lot and you deserve to treat yourself with kindness. Try your best to practice self-care, whatever that means for you.
I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.
-Bun
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bsaw617 · 1 year
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Are you looking for information about Brighton MA Car Accident doctor?Is it important for you to get the right details about a Brighton Affordable Chiropractor?Do you want to get info about Brighton Chiropractic adjustment for car accident?
Discover More Expert Tips and Information About Brighton Massachusetts Chiropractors...
Including:
- Brighton MA Car Accident doctor
- Brighton Affordable Chiropractor
- Brighton Chiropractic adjustment for car accident
- Best Chiropractor Brighton
- Chiropractic adjustment for pinched nerve Brighton ma
Finally! You can stop struggling with Your car accident treatment when you can get help from a local Brighton chiropractic pro now....
When it comes to Brighton Chiropractors - One of the biggest challenges people have is Finding a reliable chiropractor in Brighton who is and expert and does good work....
Do you know the biggest mistake made when looking to find out more about a Brighton Car Accident doctor or Brighton Affordable Chiropractor?
One of the biggest mistakes people make is Looking for just any doctor to help them with their accident injury in Brighton who end up making the matter worse!...
You want to Get my back or neck injury fixed fast without it costing my first born..
Here are some of the top Brighton Chiropractors tips that will Help You...
  Should I see a specialist first instead of a chiropractor for back pain?
  For back pain, a chiropractor IS a specialist. Unless you need surgery, the most likely recommendation you’ll get from a medical specialist is pain medication and physical therapy.  Studies show that for low back pain you get better long-term results from chiropractic care.
Source: http://https://www.quora.com/Should-I-see-a-specialist-first-instead-of-a-chiropractor-for-back-pain
    Need Top Expert Help for Brighton Chiropractors? We are ready to help you now!
Ready to get a an expert chiropractor to help you with your car accident? Call us at (617) 206-3250
When you are looking for solutions about Brighton Chiropractors - you are probably trying to find more details about Expert Chiropractors in Brighton who can get you in today...
ShOULD I GET A CHIROPRACTIC ADJUSTMENT AFTER MY CAR ACCIDENT?
    A car accident is the last thing anyone needs. Between all life’s other daily struggles, adding a car accident into the mix creates more stress and more things to think about. On top of that, car accident injuries can create an added strain on your life, forcing you to take time off work or even making you unable to do certain tasks. One of the biggest questions after a car accident is where to seek treatment for those injuries. Here’s when and why you should consider a chiropractic adjustment after a car accident:
    WAS THE CAR ACCIDENT EXTENSIVE?
Most people will agree to go to the hospital after an extensive car accidents, and so. Any time a head injury is involved, or there is a chance for internal bleeding, getting emergency medical care is important.
    But what most people don’t realize after an accident is that even minor car accidents can lead to soft tissue injuries, and if untreated they can lead to chronic arthritic issues.  It’s a misconception that only high-impact collisions cause accidents. In reality, even minor fender benders can lead to injury and more than half of all whiplash injuries occur in crashes where there was little to no damage to the vehicle. The only way to rule out injuries is to seek medical attention.
ARE YOU IN PAIN?
  Pain after a car accident is a good sign of an injury. If there’s any chance that severe or life threatening injuries are involved, you should first go to an emergency room to rule those out.
  Even if you’re experiencing no pain, it’s still a good idea to see a chiropractor after your car accident. Many car accident injuries don’t cause pain or discomfort until weeks or months later. After that time has passed, and if you still have not sought treatment, you may be forfeiting your right to insurance coverage for your injuries. The best rule of thumb to keep your health and your finances protected is to play it safe and get checked out by a chiropractor within 2 weeks following your car accident.
  HAVE YOU SEEN A SPECIALIST?
Going to the hospital or your primary care physician is a great way to protect your insurance rights, but it doesn’t mean injuries can’t be overlooked. If the hospital clears you of serious / life threatening injuries, but you’re still experiencing pain, seeing a chiropractor should be your next step. Hospitals are great at identifying serious or life threatening injuries, fractures, broken bones, concussions, and all the more obvious signs of injury after an accident. But if you leave the hospital with a clean bill of health even though you’re still experiencing pain, it can’t hurt to get a second opinion.
  If you’ve been in a car accident, you need to be assessed by a doctor who is familiar with car accident injuries and treats them every day. Car accident injuries can be hidden, not revealing pain or limited mobility until months or even years later. Chiropractors are trained to detect these hidden injuries. They can perform orthopedic and neurological tests to assess soft tissue damage, structural damage, muscle strength, range of motion, joint and nerve function–signs of injury that other medical practitioners (despite their good intentions) may miss.
If any injuries revealed after this assessment, your chiropractor will plan out a care plan, personalized to you and your specific injuries.
   This plan may include a schedule of chiropractic adjustments and sometimes deep tissue massages or trigger point therapy. Your chiropractor will use these chiropractic adjustments to restore health to your spine and surrounding muscles and tissue. After a car accident, there may be herniated discs, subluxations, strained tissues and more–a series of adjustments can straighten these issues out so that you’ll return to having full mobility and being free of pain.
If you’ve recently been in a car accident and are considering a chiropractic assessment or adjustment,
  Source: https://clearwaypain.com/should-i-get-a-chiropractic-adjustment-after-my-car-accident/
  Do you want to know how to Find a Brighton Chiropractor who can fix accident injury before it is too late!?
  Get help finding information and resources relating to:
    - Brighton MA Car Accident doctor
- Brighton Affordable Chiropractor
- Brighton Chiropractic adjustment for car accident
- Best Chiropractor Brighton
- Chiropractic adjustment for pinched nerve Brighton ma
HOW CAN A CHIROPRACTOR TREAT WHIPLASH IN Brighton Massachusetts?
  Whiplash in Brighton is a common injury to the neck muscles that occur when the head is rapidly moved backward or forward and then speedily “whipped” in the opposite direction. This can cause short-term or acute neck pain and restricted movement. The ligaments and muscles in the neck are stretched beyond the normal motion range. The soft tissues can tear or sprain leading to discomfort and pain.
COMMON RISK FACTORS AND SYMPTOMS
While it arises from a car accident, people get whiplash also from high-impact sports, amusement park rides, or even sudden falls. The common symptoms of whiplash are:
  Neck stiffness and pain
Pain in the arms, upper back, and shoulders
Blurred vision
Headaches particularly the back of the head
Challenges in concentrating
Extreme fatigue
Vertigo or dizziness
WHIPLASH AND CHIROPRACTIC CARE IN BRIGHTON
Chiropractors in Littleton use different techniques to help ease the pain of whiplash.
    Spinal manipulation for whiplash: Also known as chiropractic adjustments, spinal manipulation entails identifying the neck joints that are misaligned and positioning them back into their proper place. That can be done by moving the affected joint into the direction into which it is constrained. In some cases, the chiropractor can apply swift but gentle thrust in the desired direction and in others a slow mobilizing movement. The whiplash injury could have also aggravated a herniated or bulging disc. Therefore, chiropractors employ the flexion-distraction technique, which is a hands-on, gentle, non-thrusting spinal manipulation to ease the herniated discs.
Muscle stimulations or relaxation as whiplash treatments: The primary whiplash treatment used by chiropractors for related muscle dysfunction is muscle stimulation and/or relaxation. That includes gentle stretches to the muscles experiencing excessive tension and repeated contractions of the muscle that is restricted. If the muscles are too tight, the chiropractor applies a more vigorous stretch. Gentle finger pressure technics will be applied to ease the pain related with tight muscles.
Specific trigger point therapy: The chiropractor can identify spinal joints, which are limited or show abnormal motion (commonly called subluxations). He or she will help restore joint motion with a gentle thrusting technique. That can stretch body tissues and stimulates the nervous system to reinstate normal spine motion. Also, the chiropractor can identify specific tight hypertonic, painful muscle points by placing direct pressure using fingers on these exact points to alleviate muscle tension.
Interferential electrical stimulation: While most chiropractic cares are hands-on, there are other alternatives too. One commonly used includes using an interferential electrical stimulation device. That can involve painless, low-frequency currents to stimulate the injured neck muscles. That can lower pain and inflammation caused by whiplash. If the injury is severe, the chiropractor can employ therapeutic ultrasound to increase blood circulation, reduce muscle spasms, and neck stiffness. Chiropractors do this by sending sound waves that create gentle heat to encourage muscle relaxation.
McKenzie Exercises, Stabilization, and Sensorimotor: McKenzie exercises are designed explicitly to lessen disc instability related to a whiplash injury. They comprise simple movements done in the clinic as well as self-care at home. This allows patients to take on an active role in their recovery. Furthermore, chiropractors use stabilization and sensorimotor approaches that are used to correct faulty movement patterns. This whiplash treatment teaches the nervous system to coordinate and control better movement patterns and enhances the ability of the neck muscles to maintain its stability.
Soft tissue therapies: Since whiplash involves soft tissue injury, chiropractors can also include soft tissue therapies in the treatment plan. The treatment aims to restore proper muscle function by applying pressure or stretching the muscles that have excessive tension. Therapeutic massage is one common soft tissue therapy used to relieve muscle tension. Also, depending on the injury, a chiropractor can include muscle energy therapy or different stretch-and-resist techniques.
Instrument-assisted therapy: Instrument-assisted techniques are a non-thrusting method that chiropractors often use. Using a specialized hand-held device, the chiropractor will apply force without trusting into the spine. Also Graston technique an instrument-assisted technique is used to treat injured soft tissues. The chiro can perform gentle repeated strokes using the instrument over the injured area. Besides whiplash, this kind of stimulation is beneficial for older people who have degenerative joint syndrome.
Chiropractic advice on ergonomic: Chiropractors offer whiplash treatment suggestions to perform every day with minimal body strain. That can address factors including work, home, or recreational activities that can propagate the dysfunctions that are caused by whiplash accidents. Furthermore, the professionals can teach better “use of self” as well as stress reduction ways to help ease whiplash pain.
THE TAKEAWAY
If you are experiencing whiplash pain, a chiropractor in Brighton can treat your body as a whole. He or she will examine the underlying cause of the pain and develops a tailored treatment depending on the severity of the injury. More so, an emphasis on prevention and self-care at Littleton Chiropractic as the key to body upkeep will be advocated. This allows you to have short and long term pain relief.
    Source: https://www.littleton-chiropractic-co.com/chiropractor-treat-whiplash/
    Ready to get a an expert chiropractor to help you with your car accident? Call us at (617) 206-3250
    Visit us online: http://www.brightonspineandwellness.com
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http://www.brightonspineandwellness.com
Are you looking for information about Brighton MA Car Accident doctor?Is it important for you to get the right details about a Brighton Affordable Chiropractor?Do you want to get info about Brighton Chiropractic adjustment for car accident?
Discover More Expert Tips and Information About Brighton Massachusetts Chiropractors...
Including:
- Brighton MA Car Accident doctor
- Brighton Affordable Chiropractor
- Brighton Chiropractic adjustment for car accident
- Best Chiropractor Brighton
- Chiropractic adjustment for pinched nerve Brighton ma
Finally! You can stop struggling with Your car accident treatment when you can get help from a local Brighton chiropractic pro now....
When it comes to Brighton Chiropractors - One of the biggest challenges people have is Finding a reliable chiropractor in Brighton who is and expert and does good work....
Do you know the biggest mistake made when looking to find out more about a Brighton Car Accident doctor or Brighton Affordable Chiropractor?
One of the biggest mistakes people make is Looking for just any doctor to help them with their accident injury in Brighton who end up making the matter worse!...
You want to Get my back or neck injury fixed fast without it costing my first born..
Here are some of the top Brighton Chiropractors tips that will Help You...
  Should I see a specialist first instead of a chiropractor for back pain?
  For back pain, a chiropractor IS a specialist. Unless you need surgery, the most likely recommendation you’ll get from a medical specialist is pain medication and physical therapy.  Studies show that for low back pain you get better long-term results from chiropractic care.
Source: http://https://www.quora.com/Should-I-see-a-specialist-first-instead-of-a-chiropractor-for-back-pain
    Need Top Expert Help for Brighton Chiropractors? We are ready to help you now!
Ready to get a an expert chiropractor to help you with your car accident? Call us at (617) 206-3250
When you are looking for solutions about Brighton Chiropractors - you are probably trying to find more details about Expert Chiropractors in Brighton who can get you in today...
ShOULD I GET A CHIROPRACTIC ADJUSTMENT AFTER MY CAR ACCIDENT?
    A car accident is the last thing anyone needs. Between all life’s other daily struggles, adding a car accident into the mix creates more stress and more things to think about. On top of that, car accident injuries can create an added strain on your life, forcing you to take time off work or even making you unable to do certain tasks. One of the biggest questions after a car accident is where to seek treatment for those injuries. Here’s when and why you should consider a chiropractic adjustment after a car accident:
    WAS THE CAR ACCIDENT EXTENSIVE?
Most people will agree to go to the hospital after an extensive car accidents, and so. Any time a head injury is involved, or there is a chance for internal bleeding, getting emergency medical care is important.
    But what most people don’t realize after an accident is that even minor car accidents can lead to soft tissue injuries, and if untreated they can lead to chronic arthritic issues.  It’s a misconception that only high-impact collisions cause accidents. In reality, even minor fender benders can lead to injury and more than half of all whiplash injuries occur in crashes where there was little to no damage to the vehicle. The only way to rule out injuries is to seek medical attention.
ARE YOU IN PAIN?
  Pain after a car accident is a good sign of an injury. If there’s any chance that severe or life threatening injuries are involved, you should first go to an emergency room to rule those out.
  Even if you’re experiencing no pain, it’s still a good idea to see a chiropractor after your car accident. Many car accident injuries don’t cause pain or discomfort until weeks or months later. After that time has passed, and if you still have not sought treatment, you may be forfeiting your right to insurance coverage for your injuries. The best rule of thumb to keep your health and your finances protected is to play it safe and get checked out by a chiropractor within 2 weeks following your car accident.
  HAVE YOU SEEN A SPECIALIST?
Going to the hospital or your primary care physician is a great way to protect your insurance rights, but it doesn’t mean injuries can’t be overlooked. If the hospital clears you of serious / life threatening injuries, but you’re still experiencing pain, seeing a chiropractor should be your next step. Hospitals are great at identifying serious or life threatening injuries, fractures, broken bones, concussions, and all the more obvious signs of injury after an accident. But if you leave the hospital with a clean bill of health even though you’re still experiencing pain, it can’t hurt to get a second opinion.
  If you’ve been in a car accident, you need to be assessed by a doctor who is familiar with car accident injuries and treats them every day. Car accident injuries can be hidden, not revealing pain or limited mobility until months or even years later. Chiropractors are trained to detect these hidden injuries. They can perform orthopedic and neurological tests to assess soft tissue damage, structural damage, muscle strength, range of motion, joint and nerve function–signs of injury that other medical practitioners (despite their good intentions) may miss.
If any injuries revealed after this assessment, your chiropractor will plan out a care plan, personalized to you and your specific injuries.
   This plan may include a schedule of chiropractic adjustments and sometimes deep tissue massages or trigger point therapy. Your chiropractor will use these chiropractic adjustments to restore health to your spine and surrounding muscles and tissue. After a car accident, there may be herniated discs, subluxations, strained tissues and more–a series of adjustments can straighten these issues out so that you’ll return to having full mobility and being free of pain.
If you’ve recently been in a car accident and are considering a chiropractic assessment or adjustment,
  Source: https://clearwaypain.com/should-i-get-a-chiropractic-adjustment-after-my-car-accident/
  Do you want to know how to Find a Brighton Chiropractor who can fix accident injury before it is too late!?
  Get help finding information and resources relating to:
    - Brighton MA Car Accident doctor
- Brighton Affordable Chiropractor
- Brighton Chiropractic adjustment for car accident
- Best Chiropractor Brighton
- Chiropractic adjustment for pinched nerve Brighton ma
HOW CAN A CHIROPRACTOR TREAT WHIPLASH IN Brighton Massachusetts?
  Whiplash in Brighton is a common injury to the neck muscles that occur when the head is rapidly moved backward or forward and then speedily “whipped” in the opposite direction. This can cause short-term or acute neck pain and restricted movement. The ligaments and muscles in the neck are stretched beyond the normal motion range. The soft tissues can tear or sprain leading to discomfort and pain.
COMMON RISK FACTORS AND SYMPTOMS
While it arises from a car accident, people get whiplash also from high-impact sports, amusement park rides, or even sudden falls. The common symptoms of whiplash are:
  Neck stiffness and pain
Pain in the arms, upper back, and shoulders
Blurred vision
Headaches particularly the back of the head
Challenges in concentrating
Extreme fatigue
Vertigo or dizziness
WHIPLASH AND CHIROPRACTIC CARE IN BRIGHTON
Chiropractors in Littleton use different techniques to help ease the pain of whiplash.
    Spinal manipulation for whiplash: Also known as chiropractic adjustments, spinal manipulation entails identifying the neck joints that are misaligned and positioning them back into their proper place. That can be done by moving the affected joint into the direction into which it is constrained. In some cases, the chiropractor can apply swift but gentle thrust in the desired direction and in others a slow mobilizing movement. The whiplash injury could have also aggravated a herniated or bulging disc. Therefore, chiropractors employ the flexion-distraction technique, which is a hands-on, gentle, non-thrusting spinal manipulation to ease the herniated discs.
Muscle stimulations or relaxation as whiplash treatments: The primary whiplash treatment used by chiropractors for related muscle dysfunction is muscle stimulation and/or relaxation. That includes gentle stretches to the muscles experiencing excessive tension and repeated contractions of the muscle that is restricted. If the muscles are too tight, the chiropractor applies a more vigorous stretch. Gentle finger pressure technics will be applied to ease the pain related with tight muscles.
Specific trigger point therapy: The chiropractor can identify spinal joints, which are limited or show abnormal motion (commonly called subluxations). He or she will help restore joint motion with a gentle thrusting technique. That can stretch body tissues and stimulates the nervous system to reinstate normal spine motion. Also, the chiropractor can identify specific tight hypertonic, painful muscle points by placing direct pressure using fingers on these exact points to alleviate muscle tension.
Interferential electrical stimulation: While most chiropractic cares are hands-on, there are other alternatives too. One commonly used includes using an interferential electrical stimulation device. That can involve painless, low-frequency currents to stimulate the injured neck muscles. That can lower pain and inflammation caused by whiplash. If the injury is severe, the chiropractor can employ therapeutic ultrasound to increase blood circulation, reduce muscle spasms, and neck stiffness. Chiropractors do this by sending sound waves that create gentle heat to encourage muscle relaxation.
McKenzie Exercises, Stabilization, and Sensorimotor: McKenzie exercises are designed explicitly to lessen disc instability related to a whiplash injury. They comprise simple movements done in the clinic as well as self-care at home. This allows patients to take on an active role in their recovery. Furthermore, chiropractors use stabilization and sensorimotor approaches that are used to correct faulty movement patterns. This whiplash treatment teaches the nervous system to coordinate and control better movement patterns and enhances the ability of the neck muscles to maintain its stability.
Soft tissue therapies: Since whiplash involves soft tissue injury, chiropractors can also include soft tissue therapies in the treatment plan. The treatment aims to restore proper muscle function by applying pressure or stretching the muscles that have excessive tension. Therapeutic massage is one common soft tissue therapy used to relieve muscle tension. Also, depending on the injury, a chiropractor can include muscle energy therapy or different stretch-and-resist techniques.
Instrument-assisted therapy: Instrument-assisted techniques are a non-thrusting method that chiropractors often use. Using a specialized hand-held device, the chiropractor will apply force without trusting into the spine. Also Graston technique an instrument-assisted technique is used to treat injured soft tissues. The chiro can perform gentle repeated strokes using the instrument over the injured area. Besides whiplash, this kind of stimulation is beneficial for older people who have degenerative joint syndrome.
Chiropractic advice on ergonomic: Chiropractors offer whiplash treatment suggestions to perform every day with minimal body strain. That can address factors including work, home, or recreational activities that can propagate the dysfunctions that are caused by whiplash accidents. Furthermore, the professionals can teach better “use of self” as well as stress reduction ways to help ease whiplash pain.
THE TAKEAWAY
If you are experiencing whiplash pain, a chiropractor in Brighton can treat your body as a whole. He or she will examine the underlying cause of the pain and develops a tailored treatment depending on the severity of the injury. More so, an emphasis on prevention and self-care at Littleton Chiropractic as the key to body upkeep will be advocated. This allows you to have short and long term pain relief.
    Source: https://www.littleton-chiropractic-co.com/chiropractor-treat-whiplash/
    Ready to get a an expert chiropractor to help you with your car accident? Call us at (617) 206-3250
    Visit us online: http://www.brightonspineandwellness.com
0 notes
alreadydeadtoyou · 1 year
Text
14DEC
My 60 year old sister (of Kitchen Appliances of Many Colors; Dollyweird Remix Ft: Lil Sister Crying) sent me illegal drugs, cash and disgustingly scented wax melts from her local Dolla General store. 
I did not know she did this nor did I ask her to do it.  I honestly think she was trying to help, in a misguided retard way. Her way. After-the-fucking fact, once it was snatched from the USPS mailstream, she tells me via my AT&T supplied tragic cell phone (it’s 5G now, bitch) that she chose the wrong mailer @ her small town local post office (I’m sure it was the Overnight Express one that the elderly & illiterate always select from the bevy of options at MY small town local post office) and had to open/repackage into a $10.80 Priority Mail option inches from the steampunk looking clerk.
AND THAT IT REEKED SO STRONGLY OF MARIJUANA it filled the entire compact lobby of her small town local post office on a busy holiday mailing day.
Yet, she cuntinued on...
Never in my life has she sent cash. She is my only support. My lifelong trashy parents only believe in giving money to casinos and bragging “we have more money than we know what to do with.”
EXCEPT GIVE IT TO YOU. I lost both breasts/nipples/da works due to cancer--my narcissist mother gives me her used bras and I’m supposed to be grateful. She will wait for that thank-you, stellar catholick that she is.  I guess my sister felt bad after hearing about my Grey Gardenesque downstairs bathroom PIT TOILET, cracked ceramic floors due to a creature that emits SAWING noises late into the night and the washing machine & dryer that have been inoperable the past 3 years. That’s just ONE ROOM, inside!
I have no working heat upstairs, so I sleep on the couch downstairs. The upstairs toilet does not work. I can not afford an electrician to address the electric baseboard heat issue nor can I afford a plumber. I broke the valve where I used to be able to shut the H2O off 13SEP, the morning after my dog ran into the road and caused a local eccentric (ha! more eccentric than I) man to fall from his bicycle @ 10:08PM CST.  Rendered unconscious and now sporting a white man’s version of a Michael K Williams scar across his fucking face. 
Local police were on the scene FOR HOURS.
I’ve been on the stress diet ever since and combined with being off all my medications and “physician-free,” I can literally feel tumors percolating in my chest. Something is touching nerve endings and it hurts. I have implants, but over the past 7 years, things have ‘settled’ and the corpse flesh that patched everything together due to poor margins must have come from dead or destitute Indians, because there are dark patches among the lumps/bumps (cysts? cancer?) that give the illusion I’m wearing a brown bikini top.  I had 2 surgeries last year and ever since a hysterectomy (2nd surgery), there is a stop u in your fucking tracks bone stabbing pain to the right of my vag that can happen at any time. When I mentioned that to the GYN during a post-surgical visit, she made eye contact and said with concern “I’ve HEARD of that.” 
I try not to look at myself when I get out of the shower in my unheated Wisconsin bathroom, it’s too depressing. 
0 notes
mis-calculated · 3 years
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It's been a bit since I've been so unbelievably dysphoric but holy hell I literally don't want to fucking exist right now
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Spoon me, you idiot
Post ep4x13 Buddie because my brain is just that episode on loop. Hands up if you're not ready for the season 4 finale, folks. Have some cuddling and love confessions in the meantime.
Buck helps Eddie over the threshold with one hand at Eddie’s elbow and the other pressed against his hip. Eddie’s fine, he’s fine, he’s alive, but he’s exhausted. Pain and shock weigh down his shoulders, make him unsteady on his feet.
Carla breathes in sharply at the sight of him. Then she’s stepping forward, folding Eddie into a soft embrace, pulling his head down cheek to cheek with hers. Buck drags his eyes away from his living, breathing, living friend to find Chris, who’s lying on the couch with his glasses askew, mouth open in sleep. Buck’s heart clenches like a fist. He’s going to remember Chris’s haunted, horrified expression for the rest of his life, the light dying in Chris’s eyes as Buck had to tell him… had to tell him that his dad wasn’t coming home that night.
Buck walks over to Chris and kneels down beside him. He’s pretty sure it’s the first time Chris has slept since he heard about it. The first time in more than 48 hours that the kid’s closed his eyes. Buck brushes the curls back from Chris’s forehead, trying to be gentle, not wanting to wake him.
Eddie gets down next to Buck, their knees pressing together. Buck feels the shudder that runs down Eddie’s spine, feels it echoed in his soul. Buck isn’t the religious type, but he feels like this is another miracle. Years after his first brush with death, Eddie coming home once again to his son.
With a hand on Chris’s shoulder, Eddie murmurs, “hey, my little Superman. Chris, I’m here.”
Chris’s eyes open slowly, reluctantly, until he sees his dad’s face and wakes up all at once.
“Dad!” Chris shouts, hands flying up to attach themselves to Eddie’s face. “Dad!”
Eddie’s smiling, huffing out laughter in pure, unadulterated joy at seeing his son’s delighted expression. Chris is grinning and whooping, falling forward to curl himself into his dad’s chest. Eddie lifts one arm to hold Chris close and buries his face in Chris’s hair.
Buck blinks back tears, feeling relief crash over him. He rubs his eyes and starts to get to his feet, wanting to give the Diaz boys some space, until he feels a tug on his shirt. Eddie’s hand twists in the fabric. He’s not even looking at Buck, head tucked against the curve of Chris’s skull. Buck sinks back down and tentatively puts his arms around the both of them, Chris’s knobbly spine and Eddie’s strong back, his cheek brushing Eddie’s forehead. Buck lets out a breath that trembles like an earthquake.
It feels like home. It feels impossible. It’s what he’s always wanted. It feels like something Buck isn’t allowed to have.
When they finally let go of each other, what could be a minute or a year later, Buck notices Carla standing at the end of the couch. She’s smiling fondly at all of them, and Buck realizes abruptly that this is the first time he’s seen her since the pandemic started. He gets up—although it’d be more fair to say he tears himself away—and moves toward her, and there’s always been something magic about Carla because she takes one look at him and she knows.
“I missed you,” Buck says, his nose smashed into her chin. She’s hugging him like she’s trying to pack Buck down tight and snug him into a little box where she can keep him safe. Or maybe that’s just Buck’s wishful thinking. He’s so goddamn tired.
“I missed you too, Buckaroo,” Carla says, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. Buck swallows the lump in his throat her tenderness causes.
She pulls away and very gently pats his cheek, looking Buck in the eye. “He needs you, you hear?” She whispers, holding that eye contact like she’s bet money on a staring competition. “Take care of each other.”
Buck can only nod.
She lets go of him and Buck shakes himself into standing straight, even though he’d much rather crumple to the floor. But he needs to get Eddie and Chris to bed, he needs to figure out what’s still edible in the kitchen and take out the trash, he needs to call the pharmacy for Eddie’s meds and the station for Eddie’s med leave, he needs to—
“Alright boys, get some rest.” Buck blinks and Carla comes back into focus. She’s addressing all of them, voice firm. “I’ll be here bright and early tomorrow to help out.”
“Thank you, Carla,” Eddie says.
“No need for that.” She bends down to give Eddie a quick hug, and Buck hears her tell him, “just try not to get on the bad side of any more sniper-rifle-wielding nut jobs, alright?”
Eddie’s reply is somewhere between a laugh and a choked-back sob.
Buck walks Carla to the door. Before she leaves, she looks at him, sharp-eyed and commanding again. “You call me if you need anything. Anything. You look just as bad as he does.”
“I’ll be fine. Thanks, Carla.”
She narrows her eyes at him, but this is what Buck has always been best at. He wades through the hurt and the pain and just keeps going. He gives her a tight smile, reminds himself that he wasn’t the one shot (no, just the one sprayed with Eddie’s blood, he can still feel it on his skin, still taste it on his lips), and closes the door behind her.
Getting Chris and Eddie to bed is easy. Buck lifts Chris up, carries him to Eddie’s room, and pulls the covers over both the Diaz boys. Eddie tries to catch Buck’s eye while Buck leaves the room, but if Buck stops moving then he’s not sure when or if he’ll start again. Buck pulls the bedroom door most of the way closed, leaving a tiny crack in case Eddie or Chris need him in the night.
In the kitchen, the clock on the stove informs him that it’s just past 9 pm. It’s jarringly early. It feels like time doesn’t really exist, that he’s been moving in a place defined by the hours since Eddie dropped, the hours since Eddie went into surgery, the hours since Eddie woke up.
Buck opens the fridge and looks into it without seeing anything, like when you’re reading only to realize that three pages have gone by without you remembering a single word. He closes the fridge door and opens it again, and oh, there’s the carton of milk and bottle of ketchup on the top shelf, the egg carton down to its last egg, a container of left-over fried rice from… was it yesterday? Buck folds back the top flap and sniffs it, decides it will be fine for one of the boys to eat when they get up.
He closes the fridge and investigates the pantry next. Two boxes of spaghetti, a can of beans, three cans of chicken noodle soup, an unopened bag of quinoa that is probably the result of Ana because Buck’s not sure Eddie has ever heard of quinoa—like he’s taking inventory of the truck. Thermal blankets, C-spine collar kit, 3L of sterile water, 3L sodium chloride, hug-a-bear. The 118 has a blue elephant courtesy of Athena. Buck could honestly really use it right now.
Buck runs a hand through his hair and pulls out his phone, planning to make a grocery list. He sees two missed calls from Bobby and eight from Maddie. One from Chim. Hen texted him at 4pm: How you holding up?
Buck very slowly puts the phone down.
He takes a step back and grips the edge of the kitchen counter. Breathe, Buck, he thinks. Just breathe.
His vision is spotty when he opens his eyes, like he’d shut them too tight. He doesn’t remember shutting them. It doesn’t matter. Buck finds a scrap of paper in the recycling bin and a pen from the junk drawer and writes a list. It’s late, so he’ll go to the grocery store in the morning, early, make sure breakfast is on the table for when Eddie and Chris get up. Oh fuck, does he have a shift tomorrow? What day is it?
Buck puts down the pen and presses the heels of his palms to his eyes. He can’t do this. He can’t stand here and pretend like he can take care of Eddie because he can’t stop seeing Eddie die. It’s in the back of his head every moment, it’s what he sees every time he closes his eyes, it’s the memory rewritten by his cells as they multiply and decay, it’s in his fucking genome now or whatever they call it—
it’s in the air he breathes, the reminder that for a moment that lasted an eternity, Eddie’s heart had stopped beating.
It’s a loud silence. Deafening.
Buck thinks, take a breath before you pass out, idiot.
Buck thinks, get a glass of water and pull yourself together.
Buck thinks, your best friend just got shot, you don’t have time for this bullshit.
Buck peels his hands away from the counter slowly, carefully, like if he makes one wrong move he’ll come away with flayed palms. He pours himself a glass of water and makes himself drink the whole thing. He picks up the list he wrote and reads it over and over and over. He thinks: what do I know is true? I’m standing in Eddie’s kitchen. I’m alive. Eddie is alive. And: I should get carrots.
Buck hiccups. Carrots—fucking—
No. Get it together. DAMN IT, Buck!
Buck bites the inside of his cheek until it bleeds and does not add carrots to the grocery list. Because apparently they cause emotional breakdowns, and Buck can’t afford one.
He puts himself to work. He ties the trash bag and then he wipes down the counters, and then he unties the trash bag to throw some paper towels in. He transfers the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher, quiet as he can, and locates a broom at the back of Eddie’s hall closet to sweep the floor.
When he’s emptying the dust pan into the trash (he’d tied and untied the bag again, but nobody’s counting, so what does it matter), Eddie says: “Are you OK?”
Buck jumps at least three feet in the air. He’s got the quads for it.
“Hey!” Buck whisper-shouts, turning to face Eddie. “What are you doing up?”
“Was wondering where you were.”
“Uh,” Buck looks around at the spotless kitchen and the broom in his hand. “Just, you know. Thought I’d be of service.”
Eddie raises his eyebrows at him. “Buck, the last thing I’m worried about is the state of my kitchen.”
“Right. That’s why I’m taking care of it. You know, so you don’t uh. You don’t have to.”
“OK.” Eddie squints at him like maybe a closer look will explain why Buck is sweeping his kitchen at 9:45pm three days after he got shot in the street in broad daylight. Buck sincerely hopes he doesn’t figure it out. He leans the broom against the counter and clips the dust pan to it in a rare display of tidiness. The pan slides down the broom handle until it hits the floor.
“When’s the last time you slept?”
Buck shrugs.
“Answer, please.”
God, what a dad.
(Not that Buck would know.)
“Uh… I think I got a few hours while you were in surgery.”
“That was two days ago, Buck,” Eddie says, frowning at him. “You look like a stiff breeze could knock you over.”
“Well, we’re inside.”
“Why are you being so stubborn? You need to sleep.”
“I’m just not really feeling it,” Buck says, folding his arms and resting his hip against the counter.
“Not giving you a choice,” Eddie says, looking extra grumpy because he can’t fold his arms. Unless you count the one in a sling as folded.
“I’m fine, Eddie. Don’t worry about me. You should be with Christopher.”
Eddie lifts his hand to his face and rubs his temples.
“Buck,” he says, “the only thing I need you to do right now is come to bed.”
“But I—“
“Come to bed, Buck.”
And it’s the repetition. It’s the look in Eddie’s eyes like a slow, early flame: the promise of a fire.
Buck’s throat is very, very dry.
“I… yeah. OK.”
Eddie gives him a small smile. Buck’s reeling. Because here’s the thing—they’ve shared a bed before. They’ve shared a too-small bunk at the station and a backseat and even a beanbag once (courtesy of a very poor decision on Buck’s part, but at least Chris likes it). But it’s always been “just bros.” It’s always been necessity. It’s been about efficiency and familiarity. Which maybe Buck is reading this all wrong and snuggling up with your best friend and his son after a near-death experience is totally no homo but… come to bed. Come to bed. Like it’s their bed. Like Buck belongs there.
Buck’s ears are ringing while he follows Eddie down the hallway to his bedroom. Their bedroom? He’s losing it.
The hallway light illuminates a strip of the room as they step inside. Buck can see Chris tucked in the sheets, curled into the rumpled spot where Eddie slid out to fetch Buck. This has to mean something, right? They’ve been dancing around and on the edge of something for so long, Buck doesn’t know how to interpret anything anymore. He loves Eddie, though. And probably the only way he’ll sleep right now is if Eddie’s in arm’s reach. So it doesn’t really matter what this is, because Buck will take any scrap of Eddie he can get, not just tonight, but always.
Eddie slips into the bed and scoots forward, leaving a space behind for Buck. Chris makes a heavy, sleepy sound and turns his head into his dad’s shoulder. Carefully, so, so carefully, Buck lowers himself onto the bed and fills the space Eddie made for him.
“What are you doing?” Eddie asks, exasperated.
Buck blinks at the ceiling. “What?”
“Idiot,” Eddie mutters. “Spoon me.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Buck, this bed is small enough as it is with one person. I know you’re hanging half off it right now.”
“You’re not even looking at me.”
“Call it intuition,” Eddie says, dry as the desert.
Buck gingerly turns on his side, his chest just a breath away from Eddie’s back. “I…” He swallows. “Where should I put my arm?”
“Buck, you must have done this before.”
“That’s your bad arm, Eds.”
Eddie shifts a little, his calf coming into contact with Buck’s shin. Buck breaks into a cold sweat.
“Shit, well… under the sling, then. Around my waist?”
Dry, dry, his throat is so dry.
Buck lifts his arm up and drapes it over Eddie’s waist. He shuffles in closer, pressing them together from head to toe. His nose is in Eddie’s hair, his dick is nestled in the curve of Eddie’s ass, his ankles are knocking into Eddie’s. Buck feels like he might reverberate out of his skin.
“You sure you wouldn’t rather have Ana here?” Buck whispers. His mouth is like, one inch from Eddie’s ear.
Eddie turns his head a little, so his ear actually brushes Buck’s lip. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Eddie says, “There’s no one in this world I want here more than you.”
Buck stutters on his next breath.
“I wish it’d been me,” he says, suddenly. Eddie has to know. Eddie probably already knows. Buck’s grateful, so goddamn grateful, that Eddie survived. And sure, part of it is that self-deprecating shit he’s been working through with this therapist: Eddie has more to live for, Eddie has a kid, Eddie is a better man than I’ll ever be. But mostly, it’s far simpler than that.
If Eddie had died, the sniper may as well have shot Buck too. Because Buck doesn’t know how to live without Eddie. He’d found that out ages ago, when he lost Eddie under fifty feet of mud and water.
Eddie’s next words are nearly a growl. “The only good thing to come out of all this,” he says, “is that you didn’t get hurt.”
“What are you—“
“After it happened, when I was… when I was lying there, I—I looked at you. I looked at you, Buck, and I was terrified. Not because I might die, but because if I did, who was going to protect you? Who was going to keep a sniper off your self-sacrificing, heroic ass, and make sure someone came home to Chris? Who was—“ Eddie cut himself off with a sigh. “I was worried about you.”
Buck feels like… like an unbroken, empty tundra. Like a fried electric socket. Like someone dropped him to the very bottom of a very deep well.
“Eddie, Eddie I—“
“Shh,” Eddie murmurs, as Buck shakes apart. As he bends his head to hide his tears in the nape of Eddie’s neck. As he bites his tongue to stay quiet and not wake Chris up. Eddie presses backward into Buck’s hold. “I know, I know.”
“I can’t lose you,” Buck grits out between several halting breaths.
“You won’t,” Eddie says.
“I almost did.”
“You had my back.” Buck’s throat makes an awful, wheezing sound as he fights a losing battle against crying. “You got me out of there. You saved me.”
“I love you,” Buck says, losing the fight against that too.
“Buck… I…” Eddie sounds like someone knocked the wind out of him.
“Sorry,” Buck hurries to say, chest icing over with panic. “Sorry I just—“
“I love you,” Eddie interrupts. “I do. I know it took me a long time to realize, but… I’ve been in love with you, Buck.”
“Oh my god,” Buck says. I mean, what else do you say to that? No wonder Eddie froze up. Buck is in shock. “Is this real?”
“I hope so,” Eddie says. “And if it isn’t, then I’ll just have to tell you when we wake up.”
Buck feels fit to burst with more emotions than he can name. Relief, joy, fear, disbelief, pin-prickly. It feels like another miracle.
“Deal,” Buck says. And places a kiss to the fatal, devastating spot behind Eddie’s ear.
Eddie is the first thing Buck sees when he wakes up. “Good morning” are the first words he hears.
And then:
“Just so you know, I love you.”
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heavens--night · 3 years
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abuse/rape/detransition/body-mod/medical fantasy
i get off thinking abt this so much its not even funny. i have an ex who was really controlling of my body and would get really cold and mean when i told him having my chest touched made me dysphoric. i was glad when i was able to get out of a relationship with him but we had a lot of mutual friends so i tried to keep things amicable. he still follows me on socials and knows i’m transitioning.
i could never afford top surgery on my own, but with a long time e-begging and doing some degrading cam work i was finally able to put together enough money to get those hateful tits removed. it was hard going off t before the procedure, but i reminded myself i’d be right back on it afterwards, and i haven’t been taking it long enough for the most meaningful changes to take hold anyway. after this, i remind myself, i’ll be able to become the person i truly am.
i dont have a lot of friends in my area with their own cars though so i ended up having to rely on my ex for a ride to and from. he was weirdly really chipper about it for someone who used to give me the silent treatment for hours if i tried to stop him playing with my tits. he used to constantly pressure me to let him suck on them, grope them, cum on them... now i’m finally gonna be free of them and he seems genuinely happy for me. ‘you’ll be so much happier afterwards,’ he says. ‘i’m so excited for you to finally be the real you.’
the second i’m awake i know something’s wrong. my chest is bound, but no amount of packed gauze could explain the size of my chest. it feels so sore, swollen, and heavy. much heavier than before. i’m crying and confused, but of course that’s just the anesthetics wearing off. my ex takes me back to his place over my protests.
i know what happened to me, but i can’t believe it. all that time, all the humiliating things i did to scrape together the money - how did he even get control of it? how did he manage to schedule this procedure instead? why didn’t i realize something was wrong? it was all for nothing. i put all my savings into what i thought would save me from having these humiliating, dysphoria-inducing tits and now....
i’m in such a state of despair and dissociation the healing process is a blur. the checkup appointments, where my new doctor gropes and measures my huge, perky fake tits all seem like a terrible dream. he recommends an increasing regimen of groping - sorry, ‘palpating’ - my sore breasts to improve sensation and promote ‘psychological integration’ with my new body parts, and my ex (now, apparently, again, boyfriend) is eager to assist.
every day, he makes the most of his gift to me, my ‘true self’ finally realized in a pair of heavy, sensitive tits that jiggle with every step and keep me hiding in the house, too ashamed of my body and my stupidity to even go outside. that doesn’t stop the world from finding out about my degradation, of course. about a month into my new life, just as i’m coming out of my deep depression enough to start planning some kind of escape, my boyfriend sits me down to watch a porno together.
i’ve been going along with this little routine - it’s better than when he pressures me for sex, and usually he’ll just put on some degrading straight porn and jerk off on my tits to it - but i instantly recognize the setting of the video. it’s our bedroom. the bed where he so often forces me into such humiliating positions, where he makes me ride his cock with my fat udders slapping my chest with every bounce, where he stretches my helpless pussy and fills me with cum every night. it’s all here in HD. from the angle, it looks like there’s a camera on the bookshelf somewhere. i feel so sick.
‘big titty plastic bimbo creams herself riding raw dick!’ there are almost three thousand views. my face, twisted in shame and discomfort as i’m fucked with my giant tits and shaved pussy on full display, is in every shot. even while i was camming for money, i made sure i could never be identified. at this rate, everyone will see my new ‘true’ self. there’s nothing i can do.
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thanksjro · 3 years
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Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One
TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE
So.
This is a little different than what I usually do.
Clearly.
God, how did we even get here?
Oh, I remember.
The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.
...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.
I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.
And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.
Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.
Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.
This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.
Anyway.
How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.
Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.
Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.
It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?
The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.
Haha, I doubt it.
So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.
Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.
Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.
Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.
For loving his child.
We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.
The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.
We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?
No. Not at all, actually.
Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.
The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?
This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.
See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.
It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.
But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!
We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.
Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.
It’s just a shame that I don’t care.
Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.
Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.
We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.
Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.
Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.
Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?
Right???
RIGHT??????????
RIGH-
Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.
I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.
Anyway.
Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.
Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.
Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.
Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.
Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.
Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.
“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.
Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.
Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.
So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.
Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.
Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.
Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”
As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.
As if women are property to be owned.
As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.
We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.
We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.
Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.
Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.
Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).
The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.
Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.
Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.
Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.
Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?
Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.
The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.
Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.
Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.
Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-
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A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?
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You can’t be fucking serious.
ANYWAY.
Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.
As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.
Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.
She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.
This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.
It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.
I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.
I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.
I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.
The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.
As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.
Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.
Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.
He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.
Which made me groan aloud.
Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.
Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.
Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.
The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-
The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-
She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.
Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.
Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.
The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-
With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.
We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.
Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.
Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.
The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.
However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.
Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?
Right???
RIGHT??????????
RIGH-
Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.
And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.
Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.
Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.
Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.
Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.
The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.
Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?
Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.
With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.
Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.
So they try it again.
This time it works, sort of.
At the very least, he’s left now.
Tail fell off, though.
Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.
Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.
Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.
Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?
Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.
Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.
Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.
Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.
Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours.

After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.
The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.
No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.
Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.
Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.
As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.
Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”
Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.
The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.
Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.
No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.
Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.
LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.
Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?
Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.
There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.
The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.
Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.
While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.
Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!
Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.
Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”
Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.
This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.
All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.
It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.
But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.
Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.
Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.
Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.
Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.
Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”
Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.
Judy doesn’t count.
As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.
I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.
We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.
Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.
We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.
In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.
Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.
Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.
Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.
Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.
Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?
This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.
I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.
Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.
Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.
No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.
If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.
When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.
Don’t ask how that works, it just does.
So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.
Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!
Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.
Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.
This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.
Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.
Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.
For about 20 seconds.
Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.
Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.
Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.
While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.
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I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.
Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.
Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.
Ratchet’s fine, by the way.
The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.
Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.
Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.
She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.
Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.
Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.
Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.
Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”
We still have another hour of this movie.
The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.
As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.
Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.
Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.
Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.
Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”
Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.
Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.
Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.
I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.
Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.
Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.
...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?
Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.
But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.
Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.
The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.
No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.
Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.
Nope, that doesn’t happen either.
Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.
Repeatedly.
They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.
Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.
Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.
Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.
When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?
Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.
Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.
Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.
Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.
Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.
Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.
We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.
Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.
Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.
I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.
Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.
And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.
Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.
Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.
We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.
Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.
Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.
Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.
Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.
We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.
Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.
Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.
We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.
Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!
Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!
The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.
Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.
There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.
Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!
Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!
The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.
Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.
Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?
Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.
Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.
Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.
Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.
Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.
They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.
Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.
Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.
Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.
This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.
Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.
Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.
Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.
Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.
Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.
Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?
Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.
Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.
Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.
Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.
Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.
Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.
Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.
Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.
Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.
The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”
Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.
Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.
The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.
Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.
Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.
The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.
Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.
Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.
Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.
Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?
Oh, right, because ~girl~.
Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.
Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.
Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.
Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.
Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.
Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.
Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.
Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.
Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.
Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.
Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.
He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.
Y’know.
Like a vast, predatory bird.
Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.
Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.
Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.
Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.
I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?
Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.
Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.
He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.
While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.
Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”
Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.
The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.
Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.
Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.
Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.
I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.
No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.
Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.
Feminist icon Megatron?
Feminist icon Megatron.
Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.
Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.
I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.
Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”
Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.
The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.
The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.
Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.
Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.
Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.
Congrats on your first murder, Sam.
Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.
Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.
In tow.
In tow-
Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.
Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.
Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.
Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.
Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.
Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.
Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.
The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.
Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.
And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.
The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.
And that’s where they leave us.
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IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.
So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.
And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?
When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.
What a mess.
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COMING SOON:
TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD
TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW
TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY
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