#what if im the reason why i dont have friends irl in the first place

[rosekasa]

🦉🌷🔮 for the fanfic writers game!

HANAA, JAANEMAN!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!

🦉Is there another author that helped inspire you to write?

omg so many come to mind and im actually afraid that im going to miss people out because i feel like the only reason i write is because of the people i admire. between 2021-2023 i really struggled with writing for a bit, i dont know why, someone gave me nazar probably, but there are some writers who i would read COPIOUS amounts of and think, this, THIS love i feel while reading is the love i want to feel about my own work

@jattendschaton , obviously, has been one of my biggest inspirations since i was a BABY. their writing is so descriptive and evocative. so insanely detailed. studying their writing was what got me into the habit of trying to find different ways to express a sentence to see if i could get a more accurate representation of the feeling i wanted to convey

@frostedpuffs and @lnc2 were the first ml writers i ever read <3 i didnt even know i wanted to write fic at the time! honestly a lot of my earlier characterisations/ways of writing are heavily inspired by their works because i was so obsessed with them! they made me want to start posting on ml ao3 in the first place

@xiueryn , i downloaded a bunch of yilena's fics onto my kindle in late 2022 and fucking DEVOURED them. i hadn't really been reading longer ml fics at all at the time but yilena's... i could not stop. their worldbuilding, their pacing, the way they make writing 40k+ word fics seem almost effortless? it became a joke with my irl best friend because i would literally randomly say "oh yilena you legend" while readingsdjkfhsd

@miabrown007, i read seven is a lucky number and it RUINED me for life. i dont know why this is what keeps coming to mind, but in her a/ns she mentioned that she HAD to end the word count on a multiple of seven, and i was like, oh my god, she puts so much structural thought into her stories. meeting her irl and hearing her talk about her writing process in detail was an out of body experience. that day itself i wanted to finish a multichapter

@asukiess, if loving ao3 user asukiess was a cult i would run it. i read tbsym and it really slapped me in the face because, having encountered it at a time where i felt like i ran out of any and all ability to be unique and creative with ml, i was like, oh my god, this person just wrote 10k+ words about. kuro neko?? a twenty minute episode? and she got SO MUCH out of it? and it hit me that like. if you love something enough you WILL find a way to create more out of it.

🌷What's one of your fics that isn't as popular, but you hold dear?

i have all my stats turned off on ao3 so i havent actually had that feeling of "aw i love this fic i wrote but it didnt really get popular" in like. three years sdjfhdsjkfds but checking my stats now, hmm. maybe ya'aburnee? which is funny because although it has fewer kudos than my other fics it's also the fic that people who i meet in the fandom yell at me for the most. at the mcm ml meetup a friend who came was like "HOW ARE U COMPLAINING ABOUT MCD YOU LITERALLY WROTE IT" and i so vehemently was like NO I LITERALLY DIDNT WHEN and they were like??? are u fucking stupid. it was great

🔮What's your favorite plot twist you've ever written?

the plot twist to ya'aburnee was a banger in the outlines but i feel like i didnt execute it that well in the actual fic. but lpoam i think was my FAVOURITE favourite. i even cried while writing the death scenesfdjshd

#ask

[cliowo]

In this essay, i will explain the reasons why sky children of the light has become an increasingly unwelcoming game to new players and veterans alike-

Yeah yeah i usually only share my words here but tumblr feels like a really comfy place for me to share unfiltered thoughts and i needed somewhere to vent ig (skip if you have no idea what I'm talking about)

When I first started playing in prophecy, sky was a really fun game. We didn't have the request for a guide function then and I'm actually really grateful for it because the joy was in exploring each of the different realms and season areas on my own and randomly stumbling across spirits whose stories were waiting for me to discover. Maybe it was because I was a dumb moth - i didn't even know how to access seasonal spirits trees - but the pressure to cr just wasn't as intense as it is for moths today. The back to back seasons and "days of" events seem to have sucked the fun of exploring the world of sky for moths because they're so focused on grinding for candles/hearts/event currency that they just dont slow to smell the in-game roses anymore. And the thing is I get it because there's just so many new cosmetics as well as older ones from past seasons and events to farm for.

I mean sure you don't have to collect every cosmetic but 1 cape costs like 70 candles on average, same for a pair of pants iirc, a prop/acessory at 40-70 candles (70 if its an instrument??) , and hair at around 40-50 candles; and the best part is you can only earn 20-21 candles max in 1 reset 🤡 Add all of that plus the need to look for event currency in fear of facing such prices in the event rerun and you get stressed out moths facing existential crises every 2 weeks when ts arrives😀 Sorry moths, the economy is bad irl and just as bad in sky.

And what of the veterans? Yeah, well, we get no friends as everyone starts to quit the game and those that stay live off copium revisiting the places we once visited with friends- Or maybe that's just me

New friends, you say? *cue flashback to moths begging for help with cr* we exchanged like maybe 5 sentences max at chat benches🥲 i have nothing against helping out but it does make it difficult to form a bond when they disappear right after and you fade into their constellation of ubers

And then we have the seasons.

... Honestly the only season that made an impression with me after aurora was the recently concluded season of the 9 coloured deer, which was also another collab season💀

I actually had to check the sky wiki for this:

Remembrance - ironically very forgettable. What was the story again? Was it the one with the group of spirits living in one specific hole in vault like why- vault is bigger than that sad hole- OH THE PLUSHIES okay maybe this one was passable... im trying okay

Passage - ??? Havent finished this season's quests so uh- so far it seems like... a cult..? In isle...?

Moments - if they wanted a camera in-game, they could have just added it to like the days of sunlight event (the camping one) or smtg. They did not have to force a season for a camera💀 imho the camera was the only thing worth mentioning abt this season and i don't even take pictures

Revival - i suppose aviary is pretty and it's nice that the spirits have somewhere to stay now. Not particularly impressed. Don't really remember the story in this one.

...i heard rumours of a furniture season after the 9 coloured deer. Looking forward to hearing what they'll name this one lmao

The quality of "days of" events is still acceptable to me. Just maybe ignore the numerous iaps and the fact that we have multiple umbrellas but only 1 is f2p (don't understand whats up w that btw)

And also the recurring bugs💀 I've been playing for at least 3 years and I've faced these bugs/problems multiple times:

1. Unable to light frends constellations because the screen just yeets itself into oblivion or some random environment feature where i cant press the button

2. Game crashes (after every update istg-)

3. Splitting servers

4. Sky discrimination and gate keeping, aka refusing to let me open the game

5. Being unable to collect currency/dailies (it's not my internet i checked)

The lack of compensation is another matter entirely

I don't know man I'm tired. The only reason why I still have it installed is because it's my only link to the people I used to have fun and relax with. Not everyone has discord or insta or some other social media.

If you made it this far thank you for coming to my ted talk. Feel free to leave your thoughts- just remember to be respectful

Tldr:

The sky economy is bad. For everyone. Moths (and maybe even vets) are stressed out and vets are losing friends. The seasons are increasingly dull and the long-lived bugs are frustrating.

#rant post #rant #sky #skycotl #sky children of the light #skyblr #might delete this later idk

[silliest-heartaches]

I saw your Errorink headcanons

How do you think they would get along? (Because y'know, he destroys, he protects)

tbh aside from input from the creators that they would be canon friends (IN MY DREAMS) i have a lot of thoughts on why they would make great friends actually:

First of all, there is the idea that they have to make peace with the innevitability that regardless of what they do or how they feel about creation or destruction respectively, the balance will keep itself going purely because thats how creation and destruction of fanprojects irl work!! no amount of encouragemnt from ink or pestering from error are ever going to truly eradicate/permanently keep the growth of creations and aus in the multiverse!! I like to imagine its the same kind of silliness that good omens has (ie angel/demon being friends and maybe lovers just having the oppositr kinda jobs) except they both actually enjoy their jobs lol

I also like to think that the way they view the multiverse is not so black and white as they first may appear!! We already know that error DOES have aus that hes fond of and will not destroy bc he has a certain attachment to it, making us see that he isnt just some mindless killer who destroys for the sake of destroying (i forgot what his actual reason was aside from the anomaly stuff so in my head its bc all the multiverses mess with his code and overload his system which is why he hates anomalies sm ((including original ut funnily enough? Bc ig thats why his suffering happened in the first place (to me at least))) he is just selfish and wants everyone else to adjust to his comfort

For ink, he also views pretty much everything else aside from him as characters, and is thus not as connected to them as you may think. The reasons on why he protects these aus is kind of selfish (to refill his vials + the satisfaction of feeling like a real living being But More compared to other characters within their own universes) despite the good guy facade he tries to make himself have hes also inherrently selfish with his reasonings on why he wants to protect the aus in the first place

(i also wanna say that alongside all of what im saying ink genuinely does hold a lot of love for the aus and has a lot of fondness for certain characters aus etc, but it is very much in a fiction vs reality sorta way, bc thats how he views himself vs every one else)

except error. (well. sort of. but it kinda goes both ways. hes close enough)

tldr despite feeling that they are above it all and seperate from the aus and characters that they create (canon info for both i think) i think they can (and do) acknowlege that the world is bigger than them both despite those feelings and find themselves kindred spirits in the sense that their views and pov of the world is very similar on a base level and see eachother as equals because of it (something i dont really see personally with p much every other sans)

like yes other sanses and characters can be aware of and have beef with the multiverse in whatever way they can but none will ever be as innherently connected to the multiverse and what created them as much as error and ink do,,,bc to most everyone else, it is simply a part of their lives to move through aus with, comapred to errorink having the aus be their reason for existing and acting (the other guys drama being centered around different things much smaller in scale compared to error and inks whole deal being with the entire multiverse as it exists if im making sense)

also also theyre both described as immature and insecure so. i think they can have a lot of fun having childish banter thats cute and for the funsies (both dramatic jokey guys please hear me out)

#feysanity #sorry if i explained it badly 😭😭 #whatever all u need to get is that i think opposites attract is neat #and the existentialism of their world being so incredibly vast but never being able to truly fully and completely comprehend it real #i like to think that they bond over the aus that they both do like #and also appreciate the calm emptiness that comes within the void as well :> #I like them so much if u cant tell and their relationship is so captivating to me #ITS HARD TO PUT INTO WORDS BC ITS REALLY COMPLICATED THOUGH 😭😭 #thank you for asking though :>> #errorink

[amaurotine]

ahhh cw for negativity.

i, too, long for plots. i feel like ppl really don't care about me, my muse, my desire to plot, or the oodles of meta i've written for hyth because at the end of the day, most ppl just want to ship with him or have a hyth muse on their ship roster and that's it, or its ppl who only ever really interact with me to like or comment on the occasional n/sf/w post out of the blue (which kinda makes me feel like both myself and my muse are being objectified, ngl) i do enjoy shipping, but this kind of behaviour is making me NOT want to ship with anybody period. i will also add that i love shipping for the sake of building a greater plot or dynamic. i want to have ships that exist for the sake of building stories. imo, that's the good kush.

i haven't been able to really find anyone who wants to do that, despite having been here for over a year. i really feel that for whatever reason, most ppl do not and/or cannot match my energy wrt writing and plotting (and to realistic, i definitely don't expect anyone to match my energy wrt portraying their muse to the extent that i do; i only ask that my energy be somewhat matched in the writing department), and while there are many valid (and often irl-related) reasons for that, it is nevertheless depressing and discouraging for me (and i will be th first to admit that im a slippery devil, i lose muse, and i drop threads due to my own energy levels and irl circumstances. it happens to everyone but like...damn. i do kinda feel like i put more into things than i recieve in turn. i am typically the one who approaches others first, and i feel like i'm silently expected to, which kind of spoils things.) as an accomplished writer w multiple degrees, i am more than capable of writing fic on my own, but i crave the collaborative worldbuilding that comes from rp, and that's literally why i'm here! it's also why you see me constantly talking about potential dynamics between hyth and other muses. (and if said proposed dynamic dosn't suit you or if you have a different idea, then please let me know so we can build something awesome together!) by that same virtue, i feel that i need to be more honest with myself and about what dynamics and muses do and don't interest me.

additionally, i very much feel like i'm generally the one who is expected to have plot ideas (and seeing multiple friends say the same thing, i do feel like this is a reflection of a larger issue of ppl who write canon muses/npcs constantly being expected to do the most, like we're always the ones who are supposed to have the plot ideas and we're magically expected to know about others' muses despite them having no about pages and not really telling us anything.) it places a lot of burden on me when ppl do this, especially when most ppl who do this dont have a detailed dossier or about page for their character. like. i don't know what the fuck i'm doing, i don't know about your muse, and i cannot read your mind. it's a really unfair and unreasonable way to treat ppl imo and makes rp more of a...weirdly one-off transactional process, which gives me horrendous vibes tbh? a lot of the plot ideas i personally have involve specific muses and have specific stipulations, which just don't seem to interest people or don't involve specific types of characters.

#🧋 — spillin' on ur dash. #i guess what im saying is: if ur not interested in writing with me and dont respect my lore then pls unfollow? sdjghdg #and if u dont have an about page or dossier thats fairly easy to find. then im not gonna write with u.

[nonegenderleftpain]

this is maybe very hopeful, but i still find it in me to send an ask, hoping for the best... i hope to not waste too much of your time with this

as someone who is possibly thinking of converting to Judaism, what is the first step?

i know, i should look for a rabbi, for a group, for just... something. to connect me to the culture, but i grew up in an incredibly sheltered household, in a small town, christian, and i still dont have solid income to look out for them far and wide... honestly, I'm kind of afraid that if i dont end up going through with the conversion, I'll just feel guilty for wasting people's time for my own personal gain (as opposed to...... their gain? yeah. its impossible to tell wether that one makes sense)

im pretty sure i have met exactly one Jewish person IRL and that's not a stretch.

so, basically, when im asking for the first step here, what i really mean is, how do i know where the stairs are?

and i dont have a super philosophical reason as to why i even think of converting in the first place. i guess i just need a place where my first crime won't be my humanity.

So I've sat on this all day trying to figure out how to be elegant. I'm in a fair bit of pain today, so elegance is kind of beyond me - I'll settle for helpful.

Anon, I grew up in a really similar situation to you. I grew up in one of the few Catholic towns in my very protestant area. It was a tiny farm town, only on the map for gambling, and I lived in an incredibly sheltered home. I couldn't be on the internet unsupervised, and my parents turned it off at 10pm, until the day I left home. I never had time to form a community, was not allowed to ask questions, and struggled with constant feelings of fear and crushing oppression by a church I no longer believed in.

When I was in highschool, I discovered LaVeyan Satanism, got my hands on the satanic bible, and converted, largely hiding it for years. I didn't meet a Jew until I left for college, and was so anti-Gd that we never really spoke (Not due to antisemitism - any engagement with religion triggered religious trauma history, so I couldn't be around ANYONE openly practicing any religion. It was a very stressful time, and I carry a lot of guilt for not engaging with her more.)

I didn't have any big philosophical reasons for seeking Judaism, either, at first. I had had a very spiritual experience in the Cherokee Nation with a family friend who invited us, and I was actually considering moving there and taking part in their religious practices as much as they would allow me to, as a white person. My family friend was a religious leader there and was willing to accept me and bring me in, but it never panned out. I have been seeking that same spiritual connection for years, but I didn't really know it until I found it again.

I first started learning about Judaism when I just. Kept running into Jews in my life. Online, in community spaces, through my advocacy work. And I asked myself "what is so important about this?" and picked up the book To Life! by Rabbi Harold Kushner. Immediately, I was enthralled, and I have not stopped being amazed and overjoyed with what I've found.

For me, the first step to really learning more was reaching out to my local Reform congregation. I'm not sure if you're thinking of converting Reform or not, but I'd suggest starting there, because I've found it's been very easy to find my footing as a queer person with a fraught religious background. The Union for Reform Judaism - the largest North American movement of Reform Jews - offers Intro to Judaism classes once a semester (many congregations require these courses for conversion). The classes lay out the very basics of Jewish values, history, and practices. They're usually taught by local rabbis - my course this semester on Jewish history has two classes with each of the four Reform rabbis in my city. This is a great way to get to know the rabbis, see how they teach, and see who you click with. It will also allow you to interact with other folks that are new to Judaism - Jews that want to learn more about their heritage and practices, prospective converts, friends and family members of practicing Jews, and sometimes just people interested in theology!

Once you find a rabbi that you click with, you'll want to reach out to them and set up a meeting (I meet personally with my rabbi on Zoom, because transportation is difficult for me as a disabled person). During that meeting, you can tell the rabbi your story, your level of interest, and answer some of their questions, as well. My Rabbi asked me why I chose Judaism as opposed to something else, and really dug into my resolve, because I came to him expressing my desire to convert. This is pretty normal - antisemitism is on the rise in the US and around the world, so they want to make sure you understand what you're taking on by seeking Judaism.

Here's the thing about Judaism - it is not something you can do alone. Judaism is a tribe and a people, not just a religion. I do not say this to dissuade you. If anything, I want to encourage you. No one is going to be upset with you if you come, participate with sincerity and earnestness, and then decide that it's not for you. You will not be wasting anyone's time by asking questions and learning things.

I also grew up Christian. We were taught that asking questions is a sign of a lack of faith. That we must follow and believe and never question Gd. I am here to tell you that that is the complete opposite of what Judaism not just expects, but requires. Israel means "to struggle with Gd." It is our job as Jews to struggle with the Torah and what it asks of us. To question it and interpret it and find out how to do good in the world. To disagree. This is not a religion of blind faith, and it is not a people that will silence your questions.

So I suppose the concise answer to your question is more of a checklist:

Research your local synagogues. See if you can attend one of their services online. See if you like the rabbi, like the way they talk and the things they say and the way they interpret the texts. See if you like the cantor, and if the way they chant helps you with your connection to the service or detracts from it. Take notes of any questions or concerns you have, so you can bring it to the rabbi.

Contact your local rabbi. If there is more than one congregation where you live, choose which seems most approachable for you to start with. On their congregation's website, there should be an email form that will take you to them, or to whomever runs their site, who will be able to put you in contact.

Set up a meeting with your rabbi. If you can go in person, that's great, but if you get anxious easily, Zoom can be really helpful. I recently even got my rabbi to join Discord. Bring them your questions. Tell them why you're there. Answer their questions honestly, and don't be afraid to tell them you're nervous. I promise you're not the first prospective convert they've spoken to.

Try to get into an Intro to Judaism class. You can ask questions about all different sects of Judaism, even if you're taking classes with the URJ, and a good rabbi will be able to give you cursory answers and resources to find more information. If Reform doesn't work for you, I'm sure that the other sects of Judaism have their own classes you can take. As a convert, I have not had to pay for my classes, and I think that's a national thing

Attend services. Don't be afraid to not know what's going on. Don't be concerned that you don't know Hebrew. Don't worry about them thinking you don't belong there. I still haven't formalized my conversion (I haven't been able to schedule my beit din), but my congregation considers me a member, and recently formalized my membership in our organization. They consider me a Jew, as much as I consider myself one. I am part of their family, even though I'm very new and know almost nothing.

And most importantly:

6. Keep reading. There are lifetimes of Jewish literature, information, and text out there. Jews keep extensive and detailed records of everything. When a Jew has an opinion, they write a book. And every Jew has opinions. I'm happy to give book recommendations, but this post has gone on far too long.

I know it's not a simple answer - there really isn't one. Conversion looks different for everyone, and takes different amounts of time for everyone. So does practice. I don't keep kosher but I give blessings over what I eat, even if it doesn't follow kashrut, because the blessing and gratitude is what is holy for me (and because I have dietary issues). I haven't hung mezuzot because I can't afford them, but I wear kippot because the visual reminder of the cultural and historical throughline of our people matters to me. I don't know Yiddish or much Hebrew, but I learn and ask questions and am enjoying immersing myself in a culture and ritual that I didn't know I needed.

I hope this is at all helpful. If you need or want personal help with any of these steps, please, please send me a DM and I will help you. I know it can be nervewracking to talk about religion, especially as an ex-Christian. I promise that my inbox is a safe space to discuss it. You're among friends, and I know your struggle.

Stay well, and may Hashem bless your journey, wherever it leads.

#jewish stuff #jumblr #lovely anon #the ask and the answer but not the book #jewish #jew by choice #jewish convert #i mean this please dm me if you see this nonnie #i'd love to help

[sunmoonjune]

i conked right back out after reading that first answered ask LMAO ive literally been sleeping 12+ hours a day bc i ended up taking sick leave from work and i also got my period so my body's really just been like hmm what other doozy can i give her but now i'm actually awake and my brain juices are kinda flowing so ive been doing some hard thonking about your comments. this is literally unedited word vomit none of my theories make sense but oh well HAHA

YOU'RE TELLING ME WE HAVEN'T EVEN HIT THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG YET???? brb getting my straw so i can drink up the ocean and reveal the iceberg

went back to dig around your past asks and you said a lot of the reason why the villagers hate her is bc of her father and the incident happens around 9-10yo that changes everything sO idk im gonna take some shots in the dark dont laugh at me ,,,,,, so men are usually the only ones meant to train to become a warrior and enter the trials,,,,,,, and ofc as bug's father is the chief of the village he's going to want a son to take over but then he gets two daughters ?? bc you did also hint gender plays a big part of her backstory so im thinking is this one of the underlying reasons in the first place why bug and soojin always had such a rocky relationship with their father even before the incident . . ...... .has bug's mother passed? i feel like she has passed. and i feel like something happened during her death that bug's father then twisted and pinned the blame onto bug. ????? maybe that's why the memories of villagers spitting out it's her fault is so engrained in her :((( and it would make sense why she had the need to make a sign for 'dead'. IDK THERES STILL SO MANY HOLES I CANT SEEM TO THINK OF A SOLID THEORY i need some more hints ;)))))))

HMMMM sometimes soojin wasn't there?? now i'm thinking was it bc yun and bug often found themselves receiving the brunt of bug's father's anger .: they were often punished together and chucked into like a cell or sth so it was just them two sometimes. but then what did YUN do that got him on everyone's bad side too bc him getting banished was fo sho just a convenient opportunity that presented itself for bug's father to get rid of yun. HMHM speaking of ,, he was banished for conspiracy and injuring an officer. yun's not the type of person to just do that for no reason (+ im willing to bet your $11 and my 60c that the situation was twisted to make him look like the bad guy) and im thinking did bug's father say or do something that finally made him snap therefore leading to his accusation HMM

WAIT ALSO ARE THE SCARS UNDER HER MASK IN THE SHAPE OF SOMETHING OR SPELL OUT WORDS ???? bc it's been hinted again and again that there's an awful injury underneath and you have it as the cover of the to-be-published version but you cant reveal it bc it's too big of a spoiler so that leads me to think her face has been deliberately disfigured to look like sth 👀👀

waiting for the published version of ltm to drop so we can get signed copies but also asfksdjg we're gonna need a commissioned version of ltm with the atz boys to purchase instead bc can you imagine the line 'you may have cost wooyoung his yunho' as 'you may have cost kieran his brandon' HAHAHAHAHAAHA I LITRALLY CHOKED ON MY OWN SPIT sonia and her random names always have me cackling HAHA

OMG ALSO ARE WE GONNA GET YEO TEACHING BUG TO DANCE IN THE FUTURE OMGGMGGGG THATS THE LITERAL CUTEST i can already see all the boys tripping over each other and manhandling each other out of the way (with love) so that they can reach bug first and extend their hand out to ask for her first dance dsgjkagfdg noooooooooo 😭💕

also none of my friends irl stan ateez so i have no one to tell and i dont use tumblr enough to have moots apart from you (i woke up at 5am that day and saw your notif and couldnt fall back asleep bc i was literally rolling around in bed giggling) so im gonna tell you but im a relatively new atiny and this is going to be my first comeback with the boys and im literally frothing at the mouth with excitement bc the concept teasers ??? I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

hehehe I SO enjoyed your theories OMG!! Keep sending them my way I eat up all your thoughts on LTM <33

we have not indeed reached the tip of the iceberg ;) but we're close

and haha I would never laugh at you xD this was a very interesting theory about her past and I can't tell you if you're right quite yet,, but I can say: yes, chiefs want a son to take over the title of leader. and bug's father ended up with two daughters... there will be MUCH more on this in the future >:D

onto the topic of bug's mother... this is a VERY important part of the next chapter ;) I'm so glad you've brought it up,,, again I can't tell you much about her until the release of the next chapter but bug's mother does play a VERY BIG role in why certain people despise her so much

I genuinely cannot wait to see your reaction to the lore bits in the next chapter xD it won't reveal everything quite yet but it does reveal some of bug's past so I'm VERY excited,, I hope you'll come back to update your theories after you read it hehe >:D bug's past is long and kind of confusing until I string it all together at the end, but I'm hoping some of you will be able to puzzle it out hehe ;))

as for yun and Soojin,,, part of why Soojin was not with them as much will be referenced in the next chapter I think,, but it may not yet be revealed,, but you are correct in that yun and bug were often on the receiving end of her father and the village's anger :( I can't tell you why they directed it at bug but most of the hate towards yunho simply emerged because he was always trying to stop them from hurting her (this is heavily implied throughout the series so I don't think it's spoiling anything...)

and yunho's banishment.... that will be brought up again as well... perhaps not quite yet ;)

bug's scars.... yes, these are VERY important to bug's past and her entire story! that's why they're the cover of my hardcopy ;) once we reach that part of the story I'll show you the cover so you can get an understanding of what they look like. beneath her mask is extremely relevant to her past and why the village hates her so much... I can tell you that the shape of the scars are less important than what they did to her face...

hehe when the published version finally goes out there's going to be new content in it ;) extra scenes and what not that weren't included here :DD and perhaps I will send signed copies out if you guys want them enough xD

AHHAHA NO I've settled on their names for the published version and I promise there will be no Kieran or Brandon's LMAO,, names in books are SUPER important to me cause they give me a BIG ick in novels xD I cannot read a book about a guy named 'jack' or 'daniel' or something HAHA

and the dancing <33 there will be some fluff in the future about the dancing scene I promise ;)

also omg!! none of my irl besties like kpop either :( I would be happy to be on the receiving end of your rants about the comeback hehe xD I've been an atiny since pirate king and each cb has been AMAZING and I'm very excited too!! me and 🪷 anon have been yelling at each other in messages every time concept photos get leaked xD

I hope this answered some of your theories (even tho I couldn't really say much xD ) thank you for them hehe >:D I LOVE hearing your theories about bug's past because I CANNOT WAIT to reveal it xD

also! do you have a name you want to be called? I've been calling you 'eight' in my head since I saw your first messages but I haven't asked yet xD

#moonie speaks #moonie's mutuals <3 #moonie's favs <3 #like the moon #like the moon spoilers #like the moon hints hehehehe

[fagmegumi]

u not a lesbian tho ur bisexual

Okay so let me clear this up not even for the benefit of anon but for my mutuals who don’t know me irl and may get the wrong impression from it.

what i meant to say in those tags is that the reason i still feel comfortable going to women’s places in my current state of existence is that 1) lesbianism AND womanhood both come in many diverse flavors of gender experiences so to speak 2) ERGO even lesbians who are straight up cis women can and will be attracted to people with various kinds of gender experiences, both “internally” so to speak (‘identity’) and “externally” (various configurations of genitals, breasts or lack thereof, body hair, presentation, etcetc.) this isn’t the case for ALL obviously but its certainly the case for some. Like I personally know lesbians who know about my gender situation and would still fuck me lol im not even being prescriptive rn as you point out i am NOT a lesbian and its not up to me to say what they should or shouldnt do. Im literally describing reality. 3) as i exist right now, i am a person with breasts, a pussy, and a relatively feminine face (though invisalign is doing wonders on my jawline, werk!). To say that no lesbian who sees me in a bar dancing could possibly be attracted to the person they see is genuinely so far out of the bounds of reality it boggles the mind. Also this is neither here nor there but i don’t exactly consider myself a “man”, like I would never want to fill the social role of ‘man’ the way a cis man does. That’s why i call myself transmasc but not a trans man. If id been born with a penis and assigned male at birth and raised a boy etcetc, i would STILL want to socially and/or medically transition bc I simply dont see myself as a genuine 100% man the way i dont see myself as a woman.

If i ever do manage to get hrt and I acquire more masculine characteristics etc the situation will be different, like I wouldnt feel as comfortable going to spaces for women. Also I should specify that the bar i went to today does not call itself a “lesbian bar”, it is a bar for queer women of any sexuality (and their friends and allies of other genders). Not every single person in there was a woman, and not every single woman was a lesbian. Statistically in fact many of them were probably bisexual, and honestly assuming otherwise is lowkey pretty biphobic lol

lastly, i also want to specify that, even if im pre-transition and i look for all intents and purposes like a cis woman (something that makes my life hell in many generic lgbt places, where the general misogynistic and boys-club vibe makes it so gay dudes will tolerate me at best and assume im a ‘fag hag’) i still would never have sex with a lesbian without clarifying my gender situation to them first. I simply would not feel comfortable with that in fact the thought makes me pretty nauseous. But at the same time 1) i know (again, for a fact) there are plenty of people who use the label of lesbian who WOULD fuck me even after knowing and 2) i dont think grinding a little on a stranger in a bar you saw from a cross the room and found really hot, or even having a short dancefloor makeout with them, is anywhere on the same level.

#whatever im tired now. too many words #some of yall need to step back from the 21st cent social media fueled id politics and like engage with the actual lived texture of queer #experiences irl. do some queer phenomenology even. #merleau ponty voice the fabric of the world… #asks #anon

[olderthannetfic]

First of all, I dont want to be mean or offensive, just for the sake of it, Im just very confused by this situation in regards to the very incresingly mayority of people that consider thmselves to be inside the asexual spectrum.

Seems like a lot of people feel a deep confusion because their bodies or their feelings don't seem to alinage with what the vast majority of people on the internet apparently feel, and they seem in desperate need of validation, seeking to label and identify with something to define their identity, but they also seem rather unwillingly to experiment Irl their sexuality or feelings. They even seem so married with the idea that they are “something”, something bad, wrong, good or different but it needs to be part of how they present to the world as a shield to justify.

Once again, speaking of separating reality from fantasy, I've read some horny takes, and some wildly exaggerated tales, even porno movies that make me think “woa, I had someone do that to me, but I didn't enjoy it the same”. It's not like I didn't enjoy it irl, it's just that reading something embellished and exaggerated will always sound so much better than reality, and if these confused individuals only have those accounts of how things apparently are supposed to feel like, wouldn't that make reality feel like a failure?.

If I remember right, speaking about making friends on the internet is not the same as making friends in reality. I think it is just the same with love, attraction and sexuality. Even our ways of loving a partner arent the same with each relationship. But if you put it against…say the romance defined by Romeo and Juliet, or Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy, or some other epic tale of love. It won't compare with what I felt for X or Y person in that moment in my life, maybe I fell head over heels with X, but also loved Y because it made me feel tenderness. Same as sexual atraction, I would find some partners that would make me so hot and bothered and ready to go even in the most inapropiated places, and maybe some other partner makes me horny and we have compability with kinks and stuff that makes having sexual relashionships very good in their negotiated way but not in the wildy horny desperate kind.

But I could convince myself that just because I haven't had this straight cut definition, then it means I'm something, and that something defines me and it means I'm not capable of finding it and for that reason I won't seek it, or even try anymore, then it means I am an outsider.

I'm asking because just today I saw a 20 year old, asking on a post something similar about the early annon. This girl says, she has libido, she finds men and women attractive but she hasnt had a relashioship with anyone nor has fallen in love but longs to find a relashionship, has no sexual experience, but she wants help to define their sexual orientation because shes confused and almost sure it means she needs a label to define what she feels because she obviously is different from others of the same age, and lots of people begun telling her she is asexual for sure. I would say that being confused is pretty much the standar when you are young ( even as adults we can find some new take on our kinks), thats why people beging experiementing and fiding what they truly like in the first place, everyone goes at their own pace and time, it's not like a milestone that If baby doesn't feel love, doesn't feel horny then it needs a flag and a label, but if someone already told her she is Asexual, Antrosexual, Arosexual, etc and she stops trying then she wont know, specially because I simply don't think that inexperience equals asexuality. And yeah, maybe some people truly don't need the experience to know, but that needs a deep understanding of yourself that won't happen unless they truly tried at least once with anything even in the most sugar coated level to say -i really, really don't like this, not even in writing. Why is people trying so hard to define themselves and others on the internet?. People need to stop asking others about something that can only be defined by ourselves, there is no answer but your own, and to know yourself and what it feels like to you.

Dude, people seriously need to stop asking google and others how to define themselves or comparing reality with porno. A life time seems like a long time to be sure about something, actually, it's a constant, neverending wtf I am feeling right now, okay-I like-clown-porn-now-and-its-fine.

--

[roseriot2191]

Entry 1/Introductions

hey!

so i really havent used tumblr before really so im not sure if this is the best place for what im doing but regardless im posting it here

~welcome to my blog~

the purpose is to document my life as a whole but its also my senior year so even more reason to record it!

this blog will be my safe space to spill anything, the good and the bad, of my upcoming life. in all honesty im not sure how well ill keep up with posts or how much effort ill end up putting into them but i will try to update at least once a week for sure.

ok so now onto me :)

hello again! im rose, i use he/they pronouns and i am 17. for anyone wonder, which i dont know why but i guess i can just state it to get it out of the way, im a cis queer guy. i use queer as my label because i very much dislike labels for myself lmao. im attracted to men way more often than not but if the right person for me isnt a guy the im not going to let gender/sex get in the way of love and im not sure pansexual really fits the way i feel. queerness ill say is a part of me but not something i identify with as much as i did in middle school. ill make a separate post about this perhaps. (ill mention that my name isnt actually rose irl and its just my pen name for the blog. i have no reason to be secretive really besides to hide my identity from friends, family and people who think they might know me, especially with the topics i might write about, but also i didnt put too much effort into disconnection rose and myself so if youre one of my irl friends, hi :p ) i am a high school student, but i am mostly taking college classes at a community college. im a photo major! photography is a recent thing that i started basically the same time i started college. i sorta took a leap into photo classes and decided that i might as well major in it since ive always been a creative person and since my high school was paying for my tuition. honestly college has been really fun but its school and sometimes i get burnt out really easily which sucks. ill probably talk about this more some other time. i havent really decided on a style of photography that i prefer yet but this fall ill start a portraiture lighting class as well as a color theory class, both im really excited for.

recently ive found myself changing or perhaps growing into a more typical "teenager" recently. this growth is a drastic change from who i was as a kid and that sort of scares me but i think i like the idea of who i can become. i started taking an interest in cars which sort of came out of know where. it might be because i got my license last december and have been driving a lot more but its also rooted in my ex too. (at the begging of this summer i got into a relationship with this guy who was my first everything, and we also ended it in july which hurt hella but again this is a topic for another post later) he was a total car guy and it was something we were bonding over. he would teach/talk about cars and i listened and started to take an actual interest. we went to a few car shows and it was honestly a prefect date/hangout for us because he liked cars of course but i also got to bring my camera and take photos. definitely something i miss doing. my first car was a 2004 honda pilot. it was a manual and i tried learning how to drive it and i got the gist but ended up selling it and getting an automatic 2006 honda pilot lol. this car ive had since february and its lowkey dying now which pisses me. my grandpa was the one who ended up buying it for me which i appreciate very much dont get me wrong but he bought it off these sketchy guys and didnt get it checked out right away for any problems and now im paying extra money in repairs. currently im trying to save for something more "extra" like a mustang or a bmw or honestly an older honda like a prelude or accord, though on my salary as a host in a small restaurant i have barely $4.5k saved and i started work about the same time i got the 06 pilot. i know these cars are a bit on the pricey side but im giving myself till new years to save for something and if i dont find anything by then, ill keep my money in savings for college after i graduate. (that is with the hopes my 06 pilot lasts me through that long :,) )

so yeah. i work as a host at a restaurant. its my first job and i honestly really like it. i get paid $16.50 an hour and i get tipped out by the waitresses on top of that. on average i make about $500 in a pay period which is two weeks. i wish i had more hours but also i dont. i usually use work as an excuse to procrastinate or completely ignore school work which is really self destructive because i convince myself that im productive but in reality i need to be more focused on school. my work ethic is pretty good though i think. i always say yes if someone needs a cover or if i need to come in ealry/on a day off. after the break up i took a bunch of extra shifts and started taking caterings for longer hours and to keep me busy. in the past 2 pay periods i clocked about 50 hours each and made $850 each. this has again been really nice for savings but not for my summer classes. this pay period i had a double catering and i should clock in about 40 ish hours. ill have one more pay period after this one before i will talk to my manager about scheduling me only friday-sunday and see about scheduling me caterings more rather than hosting since i make more that way. theyre pretty good about accommodating hours/days which is really cool but my manager always complains. i feel bad but also i really shouldnt because i need to do better in school first and i already do so much more than what i get paid for honestly so she really doesnt have any reason to say anything. (especially since we just hired 3 new girls after the summer hires left) all my coworkers love me but also everyone shit talks eachother behind their backs so i always wonder if they say anything about me lol. if they are then they should put that energy somewhere else because how are you guys gonna shit talk a 17 year old when you all are 25+???

my music taste is the opposite in regards to changing drastically. i find myself returning to the music i grew up with and even expanding with similar artists. for a quick family overview my step dad who raised me since i was three was/is a tattoo artist and very much in the punk scene. my mom was in the artistic performance and alternative scene. both these adults raised a very punk baby with all the classics and now like i said, after not really interested or listening to music often for awhile, im back to my roots. this is very comforting however when me and my ex were dating he was a big influence in the reintroduction. so do i corrilate some music to him? yes. does it hurt? im not sure. its very confusing but i listen to it on blast regardless and will most likely have hearing problems by the time im 30 T~T a lot of what ive been listening to on repeat is radiohead which was "our band" and i still think it is. im a very sentimental person and cant/wont diconnect these feelings probably ever. i do this a lot. this time though i havent had the urge to stop listening which is a reliefe because i enjoy the music but also because i think itd hurt me if i found hate or sadness in the music rather than the love and bond we once shared through these songs. something ive been considering is posting a song with every post or at the very least at the end of the week. maybe even a playlist at the end of the month? not sure yet. i think music tatse is something that changes with me all the time so its something worth recording here. oh also i def will post cd hauls here too! i have a small collection started but definetely wanna get more.

lets see i dont read often but my favorite books are alice in wonderland, the warden's daughter, they both die at the end, coraline and currently i am reading solitaire by alice oseman. ive read her heartstopper series and have taken a serious interest in tori's story. for my favorite shows i binge watch shows so often and then forget about them just as fast as i watch them lol. i really like soul eater, downtown, daria, the midnight gospel, the walking dead, initial d, madoka magica, and some others i cant think of right now.

hmm~ i cant really think about anything else to write at the moment, plus ive been typing for awhile and should get to bed, so i think ill end it here.

i dont really expect anyone to read this blog in all honesty but its something i wanna do for myself and if a few people take interest or relate to anything i talk about i think thats enough :)

#my blog #blog #my journal #journal #my post #post #school #senior year #student #student life #high school #college #art student #photography #working #honda #bmw #mustang #solitaire #heartstopper #midnight gospel #downtown #daria #the walking dead #madoka magica #soul eater #safe space #queer community #queer teen #lgbtq

[kidnamedfinger]

[double posted to make it less long to scroll] ok but thats not what josh is saying in the tweet right? theyre just saying that object impermanence happens and it isnt intrinsically a shunning of people and people shouldnt automatically read into it and assume malevolent intent in not reaching out to someone. it doesnt say "if your friend refuses to talk to you suddenly it means they forgot about you and you should baby them." because thats obviously not reasonable.

i agree that diagnosis culture CAN make people not want to take accountability. i forget about my irl friends for certain amounts of time if theyre not in front of me - genuinely, i do. if you think thats a thing that babies do thats fine. but i also do feel bad about it and i try to do things like scheduling hangouts with people or send memes to them when i can or just message them when im thinking of them just to say hi. its not like i use my adhd dx (which i do have) to make it other peoples' problem. so its just random that p.e., whose tweets i otherwise enjoy, would jump on this specific tweet which - compared to what most terminally online people say about having adhd - is pretty harmless.

ironically, to me it seems like p.e. is ascribing malintent to josh in this tweet, and literally all that josh's tweet asks is to NOT automatically ascribe malintent to people who aren't always initiating social content. this is a relevant distinction because ive been approached many times by people whose communication styles differ from my own, who assume that because im a bit late with returning a personal message or because i havent talked to them in a while that i have a problem with them. and in the worst case scenario, it turns into a whole thing where that person assumes im avoiding them or ignoring them because i actively dont want to communicate with them. or maybe they just are worried (e.g. literal family members whose existence and messages i forget about) and want to be able to reach me when they need to. luckily, sometimes its resolved when i can agree to respond to messages quicker and set reminders on my phone and all that. actionable steps i take to be accountable for my behavior as an adult. not letting the chemicals in my brain totally dictate how i behave forever. but i forget sometimes or i slip up sometimes. and thats why i, like josh, would ask for some grace.

sorry to jump on this tweet thing - it would be double ironic if /i/ assumed malintent from p.e. in replying to this in the first place, and the larger point is valid. but i feel that the legitimate criticism - which is a criticism of using adhd or any dx as a substitute for refusing to take accountability of ones adult agency - should not automatically be whipped out when someone with adhd talks about an experience they have in their lives and asks for a bit of understanding in a relatively neutral context. sure josh could have worded it without the whole "eyes light up" thing i see how it sounds infantilizing. but the rest of the points dont feel connected to the tweet theyre quoting. unfair, even. sorry.

[willowedwisteria]

oh lord im so fecking sorry for my friend that pulled an essay on you- i didnt know they would add some stuff about the past events until i found out today.

but ig its time ill tell the truth, and its a stupid one honestly. im currently under the weather and starving so i might write a bit shorter than usual.

so, uh. the reason why i was avoiding yall back then, was because- uh-

i felt like i was the last resort, you know, the third, fourth, fifth wheeler in a friend group. this wasnt the first i’ve experienced it. i know i speak a lot and tend to interrupt (truly sorry for that), and sometimes i was told to talk less or just be quiet.

i was also told that i always interrupt every conversation when a common interest was mentioned irl.

i already mentioned it in my blog but im going to say it again, i honestly felt like i have to please everyone on the discord server, that i have to play my cards right to please the many interests of everyone there.

dont get me wrong, i love feeding all of you fics about your fav(maybe slander them in the process too), but over time it felt like i was working hard just for recognition that “hey, im here. i still exist.”

again, this wasnt the first time i’ve experienced this. heck, i wrote like 2-3 fics just for gaile (one of them is diluc), like i was tryna impress for whatever reason. and honestly? i regret feeding gaile now. i dont hate gaile, i just regret writing fics for them.

and yes, im sensitive, i tend to get jealous of petty things, ill admit that. but i try to reason myself that “your moots have lives outside of tumblr, Hana. Of course they won’t notice your work/message/etc.”

honestly sound like im guilt tripping but im genuinely not.

i hated that i have to please people even on the internet, as if i was born to make everyone around me happy, forever making me an afterthought.

like that time where i send out a message that it was also my birthday but was met with silence, so i quickly deleted it out of embarrassment. (gunter and i shared the same birthday, surprisingly.)

and yes, i regret send that ask to you. i really do. sagau villain au has gotten way too stale here, another major reason why i regretted that. and yes it was supposed to be what my friend previously said, but i didnt expect it to blow up and it to become your au.

i often get attacked whenever i mentioned that i was the reason it blew up, but thats selfish of me, i shouldve kept my mouth shut. ahh yes, the good times where my tumblr blogs were too dangerous for me and my former followers. hah

ah flip, i got sidetracked haha. im not seeking for forgiveness, nor am i asking to interact with my former moots again. i came here to tell the truth.

a petty, childish truth.

but we all have flaws no matter how well we hide it.

im under the weather, family and childhood has messed me up, and honestly i feel like ending it all sometimes one way or another.

however, if you do want to interact with me again, feel free to tag me, even if i dont respond much. i wont respond at all if its in pms, im too awkward for that. you can decide whether you want to publish this ask or not, i dont mind.

-Hana

I have no right to say that I can truly understand how you feel since I didn't go through what you had to painfully experience, but I can say that I relate to it.

But, let's not talk about me right now.

You don't have to apologize, it was partially my fault. Your friend must have brought it up to me because I needed to at least know.

If avoiding us was your last resort, then I and I hope the rest of your old mutuals respect your decision. Tumblr may not have a place for you, but you definitely will always have a special seat in my blog.

You've been so strong after facing so much unnecessary hate. If you've experienced such hurtful comments about you supposedly interrupting someone else, unintentionally or not, I can kind of see why this was your last resort.

Recognition, fame, to not be forgotten. I don't know how to console or help you, but I'm glad you decided to take the time off of Tumblr. This is an unhealthy mindset.

If you look back into my blog, I also felt jealous of things such as notes and stuff. I felt insecure because my fics weren't doing well and I thought my writing had become terrible. I was insecure. I think you went through something similar.

You don't have to call yourself sensitive because many people also surprisingly feel this way as well. It's a valid and plausible thing, but it's also very unhealthy. Tumblr was just supposed to be this place to interact and have fun, and take a break from life.

I really wish I got to know more about you and bond with you. You seem like a wonderful person. However, for now, I don't think you'd need that.

Again, I'm so sorry for the trouble. That one mistake of mine escalated so much. We might not know each other that well, and nor do your old mutuals, but I'm sure many did miss you.

Thank you for your time here and for being here.

Thank you for the truth, Hana.

#Wisteriamutual

[munsonology]

Well I need a new therapist lmaoooo

I told her I was uncomfortable regarding a certain celebrity.

I don't mind them as a person, though I feel they are v performative on certain topics and exploits things for money. My main issue is they don't tell their fans anything like they don't say hey no death threats. Maybe they have and then I would feel slightly better about the person, but the fans are moreso my issue.

Regular fans are fine, my sister is. But its the rabid stans who want to crawl in the celebrity's ribcage to breathe the same air as them. Crazy. True definition of stan. Like, I know someone who quite literally went to this celeb's concert not once but THREE times. Fine no big deal, enjoy, I've been to a concert more than once just not in the same concert season lineup thing. Except they then begged for money because they had spent their money for rent and their BABY who is going through a growth spurt has no clothes that fit- this person even said they spent the money on the concert in the comments. Like what???? I've seen fans doxx people for having a differing opinion. Just not people I feel comfortable associating with

Normally idc im not involved whatever, just avoid them. The REASON it got brought up to my therapist, wasn't because I just randomly dislike this celeb. That isnt the reason.

The REASON it got brought up is because Spotify wrapped happened and I mentioned that I was uncomfortable because two people who severely fucked me up mentally (one was emotionally abusive and the other harassed and stalked me) had this artist in their top 5. Also My ex friend who ended up posting pictures of my house when she knew I had a stalker (I had moved snd they hadn't found this place until they posted) also had this artist in top 5. (And yes if was malicious, we had an argument and then they posted the outside of my house, sure they deleted the post later but the guy had already seen it as she had a public account and he followed some of my friends on fake accounts. We weren't friends after this)

I made the comment that they all had widely different tastes but all liked the same artist, and I made a joke that I should have known it was a red flag (we had spent the therapy session discussing signs i should have noticed in these people and ways they were alike which made me even think of the artist WHICH is why it was brought up).

And to be fair the reasons I listed of the people who have done things to me are probably why I dislike the celeb.

But my therapist actually called me stupid and wrong because apparently the artist was in THEIR top 5. Which, uh, okay my bad. Started going hard against me, even cursed at me So I again point out that in my mind it's linked to my abusers and people who betrayed my trust, and my therapist went "the majority isnt like that" to which I mentioned the rest of the points about things I've seen online. I guess I could have just apologized but she was coming at me and I was already on edge talking about everything, then they called me stupid and berating me...

Well I was uncomfortable then but i thought "hey, you did insult someone they obviously like, it's normal to be a lil defensive" and was like well we can move past. But no, quite literally this last session sealed the deal, because instead of talking about my trauma or anything, she made me listen to their albums. Which wtf??? Who does that irl?? Explained all the nuances and the theories and shit I DONT CARE about. I tried to tell them, but ok I also infodump on things I care about. Then they told me that my abusers must not be THAT bad because they have good taste. I walked out. Still got charged for the full session, and I filed a complaint. I dont see how they have their license????

I'm pissed rn haha and it actually had the opposite effect and has solidified that I do not like this artist in my mind. At. All.

Aww bestie that sucks 😭 first thank you for sharing! Second, this therapist is completely unprofessional. They shouldn’t have let their personal like of this artist affect how they’re treating you during the sessions YOU pay for.

And the fact that someone spent their rent money and their baby’s money…where’s the priorities, where’s the values, where’s the morals?

For me, I’ve also disliked a celebrity because of their fans and fandoms. Especially on twitter. I could write a whole thesis on how dysfunctional this fandom is on twitter 💀

There’s good and bad sides to all fandoms, I think in general we all have to find where we fit and surround ourselves with people who value us as much as we value them.

Anon, you have every right to like or not like something. That’s what makes friendships beautiful. I hope you’re able to find a therapist that can support you properly anon 🩷😭 some of these people get their license out a happy meal

#sav’s mailroom #sav’s anons

[mangabacaxi]

i guess i will never date anyone. ever. because im just too annoying like i think someday i will just meet someone in the train like randomly we will talk and realize we have so much in common we will slowly fall in love and everything will be so as if we living a romcom i mean i will never ever talk w someone online i just hateee it i just like the talking stage and thats all and i always feel so fake and insecure cause like they won't know the real me just my online self and they won't know how i look like irl and will get disappointed and all of this just makes me so tired for some reason so i see the only way im dating someone is if i first meet them in person like a friend becoming a lover or someone from class etc and i just know it wont happen cause i never try to make new friendships or to even talk w someone knew so.. i am really insecure lmao i mean i wouldn't fall for me Ever im just not it so i will never hit on someone even when i want it soo much and maybe that would become something more but im too scared to take the first step and no one has ever talked to me nor anything so i supposed im not interesting.. which is kinda good if i am as awful as i think i am its good im sort of invisible ? dont even know if im making sense just that i will never date and i know that for sure and maybe its better this way i don't even know if i am in a good place rn to be in a relationship lets start there that's why i just can't force anything its just not it it needs to be natural slowly so i will be prepared if it happens i also dont want to date just to date idk i wished i had someone like someone i could call anytime and they would go to a museum date w me but it doesn't have to be a lover you know i always think about it how i wish i had a friend that lived closed to me nd had as much free time as i do and didn't have many other friends so we could hang out all the time idk just go to the plaza and take some pics or go to the beach on a random thursday and to feel she also wants it because i feel whenever im calling a friend to go out im pointing a gun in their heads idkk i also think im boring and they hate the places i suggest (we always end up going to the same place(s)) i feel i might be narcissist cause what i actually want is a clone someone w the same interests i have and that would do whenever i wanted like i would also love to do the things she loves if i think what i miss is a sibling???? all of this could be me nd my sibling but since im an only child i will always have this void emptiness inside me as no matter if i have good friends and people around me i will always feel somethings missing i remember when i was a kid i never asked to have siblings to my parents cause i didn't know adulthood would be this lonely i mean of course i was just a kid i was happy w just xuxa music and some barbies to play i always played by myself and i kinda had fun on my own guess thas why to this day i talk too much w myself been doing this for agess also remember i just used to dance and sing and do everything alone i learned how to alone since i was little so that became part of my personality i guess i always loved my alone time just me in my room sometimes doing nothing but know that's not enough anymore i Need people i need to feel to heat to have someone i know will be there for me someone to just watch my adventures w superman on a friday night ..... i truly will never recover lol this infinite loop back again in my bed w no intention to ever get up

[depressed-in-dusk]

different anon: my fp cut me off their life a while ago and ive find myself "moving on" in a unhealthy way by hating them and thinking of them like theyre an horrible person and a really bad friend, it helped me cope everytime i felt like i missed them

The problem now is that apparently they told a really close shared friend that they miss us and didnt mean to stop talking to us, just saw that we stopped talking in our gc and went by it and, tbh, i dont know how to feel. The reason i stopped talking there in the first place was bc they were ignoring me, i had 2 attemps and when i told them only my other friend had something nice to say, and it hurted so bad seeing how much i cared about them but how they couldnt give that energy back. After we stopped talking is not like they tried to contact me, they ignored me even harder irl and when meeting other of our shared friends they declined their suggestions of inviting me, GOD even my birthday passed by and they didnt even dm me a dry "hb"

maybe im the bad person here, maybe i destroyed the relationship bc i cant handle them not being as obssesed with me as im with them, but when i meet them irl again im definitely not speaking to them in a nice way. im tired of it. I havent move on, if anything theyre the only thing in my mind most of the time, but ive come somehow far just for them to pull out this bs.

sorry for the traumadump but i need an outsider perspective, what should i do?

I'm no expert, but I would advice not to go towards any of the two routes you are going. It's easier to just hate them, but hate will only harm you and the memories you have of the two of you, but at the same time maybe right now you can't handle having them as a fp in a healthy manner. My advice is time, not necessarily to get back with them, but time to move on, and you find peace by "obsessing" with healthy things, like a sport you really like or an instrument! If you start missing them quite a lot, rationalize why the two of you are better off apart for now, the reasons why you had to separate. It's all for the better, we need to learn how to be alone. Now I'll give the BPD answer haha, don't communicate with them until you know you won't harm yourself or them, everytime you find yourself slipping, make some tea and listen to some proper music! Aaah I'm rambling too much, but basically just obsess over what's best, over something healthy, and replace the bad habits.

[stucksolangelo]

idk what happened in a server but something about your message really made me uncomfy and i realized why. this is going to hurt but someone once had to tell me almost the same thing and it helped after I came to terms with it and talked a lot to a therapist. 

If someone thinks u bullied someone and your first reaction is to tell ppl how bad your life is and how you’d never bully someone and it was so bad to be called a bully but not ask WHY PEOPLE THOUGHT YOU WERE BULLING SOMEONE IN THE FIRST PLACE that’s on u. It shows u care more about how u were hurt by an assumption than about other ppl and means someone else was being bullied and you were acting in a way where ppl thought it was you, but instead of asking why or how you could change or help or why ppl thought that, you played the victim

Im being nicer that the people were to me, but I know this will still hurt. if people think u could have been a bully and ur instinct is to talk about how hurt you are ONLY and why ur not a bully and not to ask or care about the ppl who were bullied that's a bad way of thinking that won't help u in the long run. i know cause I've been there  

And I know what’s going to happen now bc ive been there. Youre going to post this and trauma dump and play the victim. i hope im wrong and u listen.

trauma dumping is for therapy not strangers who dont consent, and talking about how bad ur life is (even when its the truth and is bad) and not asking urself WHY ppl thought u could have bullied ppl is scary and will drive ppl away.

ive lost a lot of people and been through hell more than once. trauma dumping and ignoring that ppl were hurt wont help, it will make things worse. been there and had to work super hard to stop and still struggle. my life sucking didn't give me the right to trauma dump and to play victim and ignore other ppl being hurt.

eat something yummy spend time with loved ones and do something that relaxes you then after think about this. or play victim even more and you'll eventually drive ppl away. its ur choice. i did that. i dont want u to as well. stepping back and writing ur actions down and really thinking before getting angry helps, bc automaticaly trauma dumping to strangers isn't ok and ignoring that ppl wouldnt have accused you (from your message thats what happened?) without having a reason will hurt you eventually

My intention was never to “play the victim” of this incident. The people who called me a bully were server lurkers who don’t know me and have never spoken to me ever.

My trauma dumping wasn’t intended to be a trauma dump, just an explanation as to why the feelings about this particular incident are coming up now as opposed to 2 weeks ago when it initially happened. I didn’t have time to process one thing before getting hit hard with another thing.

And I’m definitely not saying that you’re wrong. I get it, and I’ve been doing self reflection. I live by myself and most of my friends are online, I have a lot of time for self reflection. What I’ve realized through that is that I do usually put anyone and everyone before myself for other’s comfort and safety. I’ve realized I’m not a fucking shitty person, I’m actually a pretty damn nice person. I may not have a lot, but I am a kind person.

After being called that, I did apologize to the people affected by the situation for any hurt I may have caused. I have talked to people- friends in the server, my irl friend, and MY THERAPIST- about my feelings.

And believe me, you only see the things I post here. You have no idea what goes on in my head or what’s been going on in my head. I am 100% allowed to vent about my feelings and my hurt, but know that I spent what felt like ages analyzing everything I’ve ever said to anyone thinking “Why do they think I’m a bully?” and I spent days beating myself up because I genuinely thought I was a terrible person.

So I’m very sorry for making you uncomfortable and for playing the victim and for being a bully. But please don’t assume that just because I vented a little about my hurt, that I didn’t consider everything else in my own time.

[amazingphilza]

twitchcon :: cc!multiple x reader

fluff , platonic , gender neutral ! some mcyt headcanons if you were to attend twitchcon w them

cc’s included in order: tommyinnit , tubbo , ranboo , wilbur soot , philza , technoblade

cw: kinda lengthy for the minors (i think), not as much for the hags LMAO /hj

tommyinnit

this man is so excited to be at his first twitchcon & being able to hang out with all his best friends makes it a hundred times better

when he isn’t at a panel or doing meet & greets, he’s dragging you everywhere to see the whole convention center (clingyinnit)

he is just so at awe despite this not being his first convention to attend

you’d be surprised he gets tired pretty quickly & stops over to the partner lounge

you both rest for a bit against a wall in a pretty packed hallway despite it being an exclusive area to twitch partners

every time a famous streamer walks by he will yell it out and record it then vlog your reaction, even if they’re surrounded with bodyguards & trying to get to another place quickly

he’d zoom in his camera to their face at a horrible angle and be like

“oh my god it is THE ninja. ninja famous fortnite player, HELLO.”

but he gets completely ignored

then the camera pans out to you, still really zoomed in that the capture is blurry

“ninjainnit?”

“EH?”

tommy is so confused, forgetting the bit ninja did on his twitter where he renamed himself ‘ninjainnit’ for a split second

okay tommy isn’t that athletic but he will chase you and the rest of your group down a hallway if he had to

he’d probably find a toy gun from the artist alley/seller booths and shoot you and wilbur with it

but if tommy stumbles across any of the dream team, it’s about to be minecraft manhunt but irl

and he will def play his stream music while walking or smth when he’s bored (or trying to jump dream & sapnap)

** DO DO DO DO MANHUNT MUSIC **

oh my god,, now thinking about it he’s probably the one to open like random doors of empty rooms and steal stuff while you film him

like he will take a random empty glass, a bunch of pens, a freebie t-shirt, everything he sees he takes with him and you’re just panic

“tommy we’re literally not supposed to be here, and i’m stuck here filming you. it’s surely a felony in action”

“well, it’s their fault for leaving the doors open! plus this is great content. who’s the dirty crime boy now, HM?”

you’d tell wilbur about this and he’d scold tommy and threaten him with the same pen tommy stole

tommy probably would also drag you some weird event happening outside twitchcon along with tubbo and ranboo

“pokimane is giving out free pizza to everyone if we go to this one restaurant down the street!”

“we are literally gonna get bombarded. have you forgot you’re like three of twitch’s top streamers? i’d rather pay for all of our meals than try getting free pizza from pokimane against all her other fans”

“DEAL! let’s go to five guys then!”

you unfortunately end up paying for all 3 of their meals and picking on their food instead of buying your own

even with all of them making way more money than you, they still happen to be cheapskates

OR tommy will end up getting a burrito from a taco truck, immediately making a mess of himself, then proceed to complain how messy the food is to eat despite knowing what he was getting himself into before even ordering

“shit my clothes are all ruined now!”

“well that’s your fault you got a burrito, as if it’s your first time having one”

“i mean the food is good, i’m not complaining about that but i don’t think it’s that good that it’s worth costing my red and white shirt, im just saying”

tubbo

same with tommy, he is so excited

i don’t know why but i imagine him overpacking his suitcase and you making fun of him for it

anyway tubbo has his irl backpack on and streaming EVERYTHING

probably spends a lot of time at a bunch of different booths, checking out all the pointless gadgets he could buy for his stream

you’re the one to stop him from doing so

“TUBBO IT’S LITERALLY OVER TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS, STOP. DONT GET IT.”

“WHY NOT?? IT WILL BE COOL FOR MY STREAM AND I WILL USE IT EVERYDAY”

“okay theoretically speaking, how the hell are you going to even bring it home? which—let me remind you—is across the country for you and not to mention the giant ocean separating america and the uk”

“free ship-pang!!!”

“i hate to break it to you tubbo but there is no way you can get free shipping on a FIVE FOOT PC. it’s nearly as tall as you! what are you even gonna do on it, hack the government???”

the arguments are all lighthearted but eventually you give in and let him splurge over a thousand dollars in different devices he claimed he “needed”

i could honestly see him visiting the beaches in san diego and going for a swim or even renting out a boat to use for a bit :D

also he’d bring benson along with him and taking a bunch of scenic photos with it in them

i have a feeling he’s the type to schedule a spontaneous meet & greet because he was bored & gets in trouble for causing a mob in a certain part of the convention

he’s like “oh god, i did not expect this many of the bois to show up AHAHAH oops”

tubbo would def pull a lilypichu and bring his melodica or ukulele and play themes while following random people/cosplayers

at the end of the day, you’d find his bag just stuffed with crap he either got for free or bought in the convention

“how did you get all that stuff? i was with you all day??? and it’s only the first day of the convention, hello?? it looks like you’ve been collecting as if twitchcon has went on for a week already!”

“HA i have my ways, do not underestimate my powers”

lani would probably tag along for the vacation honestly

like whenever someone comes up to her giving her gifts/asking for pics, you and tubbo would tease her about how famous she is

and i dunno but something about tubbo just gives me this amusement park energy and going to legoland and spending the whole day there since it’s near by and because he can

ranboo

he is like a beacon in a sea of people, that’s it .

i honestly just see him causing as much chaos as the other two

ranboo would probably like take someone’s camera whether if they’re streaming or if it’s for the vlog, hold it up high, and point the camera directly above someone’s face

it did not matter how tall you were and if you had platform shoes on, ranboo was a skyscraper next to you

“HAHAH this is how i see you from this height, this is funny”

then he shows you the vid of the recording of him getting like an aerial view of your face

like you see your nose and all your pores and just overall a bad angle to be captured in

“OH GOD RANBOO DELETE THAT, ITS HORRIFIC”

i dunno why but i feel like he’d jump scare every person that was cosplaying as his minecraft character from behind for some reason

“BOO!”

“ranboo i’m not even remotely dressed as your skin—”

“don’t worry i’m practicing it’s fineee”

“you’re like the height of 2 people combined, i think you will be fine as is. you even intimidated the security at the front”

i feel like if he had his own panel he’d like pull up some undertale song in the middle of it and scare all the people in the crowd

“lore but in real life”

probably would get some matching keepsake with you from artist alley/the booths!

i could imagine like a cute keychain or smth :D

i feel like he’s the type to like randomly volunteer as a participant for those mini events in a booth thinking it would be funny but regrets it the moment he’s on stage

after introductions the presenter is like “okay ranboo, you will be given a random meme prompt above your head you won’t be able to see until after and you will have to make a random face to compliment it!”

and you can just tell by his facial expression he’s just thinking

oh god what have i gotten myself into

what is this game? who came up with this idea?

you’d laugh at him the whole time, even after he’s off the stage and finished with that small fiasco

“that was horrible. never again.”

“AHAHAH IT LOOKED SO AWKWARD YOU DID GREAT”

“I CROSSED MY EYES AND PUFFED MY CHEEKS BECAUSE I COULDNT THINK OF ANY OTHER FACIAL EXPRESSION. THE PROMPT ENDING UP BEING ‘WHEN TWITTER CANCELS YOU FOR USING PLASTIC STRAWS.’ AND WHEN I SAW WHAT IT WAS—LITERALLY WHAT KIND OF GAME–”

“I GOT PICTURES AND EVERYTHING ITS PERFECT AHAHAHAH”

wilbur soot

honestly with wilbur it’s slightly more chill

he already experienced twitchcon before so he’s just glad to see his friends again after so long

insists that you explore the convention yourself rather than sticking with him the whole time but you do anyway!

wilbur would probably have like a mini concert and gets you front row seats with the rest of the group

but that doesn’t mean before it that you’re not helping him set up

“y/n please– my amp is so heavy, i can carry it”

“don’t worry! i’m strong” :D

and musically talented or not, he will probably bring you and the rest of his friends up to stage to just vibe and sing a bunch of random acoustic songs

it’s not like some big concert hall stage,, i imagine more like a casual thing w a slightly higher platform from the ground yk?

after spending a long day at the convention he’d also bring everyone across the city to la jolla or smth !

you’d all probably have dinner there and chill, watching the pretty sunset

“this place is really pretty but oh my god im gonna lose my breath hiking up this stupid hill, please slow down”

and wilbur is like ??? because he’s completely fine with his long legs and everything

“just walk faster”

“no, you walk slower”

AHAHAH and for context traversing through la jolla by walking around the town is a bit hard since it’s basically on a bunch of hills (walking up from the beach to a restaurant actually is actually sm work, trust me ive been there)

wilbur honestly doesn’t spend that much time in the actual convention center, he’s probably sightseeing a bit of san diego with you instead

but i could imagine him staying at the tabletop games area playing dnd or smth

“c’mon y/n, come join!”

“uhh i’m not sure, i’m not the best at roleplay and...”

“it’s fine don’t worry!”

he’d pull you in with him and end up enjoying yourself even if it was your first time

and if you’re of age, you’d be wilbur’s +1 at the twitch partner party and make sure mans doesn’t too drunk

if it’s not too late in the night, you two would chill at the beach after the party

it’s just a nice, calming moment after all the loud music mixed with hundreds of conversations at the party

also something about like taking polaroids pictures with wilbur just seems to go hand in hand for me

i’m not sure why but you will be taking lots of pics with wilbur for sure (not necessarily you both in the photo, but of sceneries as well while you’re together!)

philza

literally a dad on vacation with his children, it doesn’t matter how old you are

need sunscreen? surprisingly has it

want a snack? probably has a small granola bar somewhere in his bag

but same with wilbur, he’s more chill like this isn’t his first time at twitchcon

omg he’d def bring you to the artist alley and just buy a bunch of fanart and stuff tho

“oh wow look phil, someone made a giant poster of the dream smp and shit!”

“holy shit that’s so good what the fuck!”

and he’s like rushing to that artist’s stall to buy a poster or print

idk why but phil seems like the person to know where he’s going all over the convention center

he probably had a copy of the directory map but yk

you just have trouble reading it bc all the signs seem to be misleading to you

nothing really crazy screams out to me of what phil would do at twitchcon besides like go to a few events, spend a bunch of time w his friends, etc

HOWEVER i could see him wasting a lot of his time at the gaming area and testing new games that are currently on the works of being developed

like “woah y/n, this vr game is sick, you should try it out!”

ngl i feel like phil would plan a visit to disneyland for everyone, like he gets the tickets and everything but once you’re at the park it’s free reign, y’all go everywhere with not much of a plan

the minors would try to cheap out phil and pay less than the others even though everyone else fully paid phil back and everything LMAO

ok but if he’s feeling nice, phil will buy everyone cotton candy/pretzels :D

and if you’re not hungry, he’d at least get you a mickey balloon

HE WILL HAVE MATCHING MICKEY EARS WITH MUMZA YES .

ALSO STAYING FOR THE FIREWORKS THOUGH OMG

just in general, best idea phil had for taking everyone to disneyland :D

technoblade

surprisingly techno is really calm despite this being like one of his first conventions

but when he finally settles in and gets comfortable, he’s showing the same energy

if you’re playfully yelling, he will yell back

however there’s still those awkward moments that are unavoidable

idk why but something about him makes me think that if you feel tired and want to go back to your hotel room, he’d go with you just to make sure you get there safe

he probably also needs a break from being around everyone else for a moment too LMAO

i could also see him searching far and wide in the artist alley for fanart of himself AHAHAH

walking around with him in the convention consists of someone yelling “BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD” every 5 minutes but you don’t really mind

something about him makes me think he’ll be forced into playing minecraft twitch rivals along with the rest of sbi or smth

and he’s like “oh god, i’m going to be on stage? and people will see my face while i play minecraft?”

“i’m sure it will be fun!”

“i mean i like being competitive and feeding my ego, but i’m not that desperate.. well”

do i imagine techno getting easily tired of being surrounded by a bunch of people and just going back to his hotel room with phil and watching some anime with him? yes

and will you watch even if you have no idea what’s going on? also yes

i feel like after a while of you guys hanging out in techno’s room, the rest of the gang will just slowly join you guys

like eventually everyone is there; you, techno, phil, wilbur, niki, tommy, tubbo, ranboo, etc

and techno is like “wha– where did you guys come from?” because his room is basically packed

and niki could be like “oh we can go if you want!”

then techno just insists that she’s fine “but who let the child get in?” clearly implying tommy’s presence

“OI!!”

eventually techno gives in with the company and someone gets a bunch of board games to play from the front desk

lots of yelling and laughing for sure

when it becomes late at night, techno is like half conscious, you’re on your phone, wilbur is staring out the window & enjoying the night view, tommy is passed out on the couch from tiredness, tubbo & ranboo is still wide awake quietly talking, and phil & niki are helping clean up the giant mess

eventually everyone brings themselves to go back to their own room except tommy who won’t budge

you give techno a look and he immediately understands what you were thinking

he rushes to the bathroom to fill up two cups with ice cold water and handed one to you

“on three?”

“okay.. one”

“two”

“three!”

then both of you pour the water on the poor child’s face

he jolts awake and saying a string of curses

“what the fuck techno? y/n too?”

“get out” is the only think techno says that before tommy rushes out with his stuff and you leave right after

a/n: i honestly can’t wait until conventions open up again though,, phil and ranboo were talking about vidcon earlier and omg.

also i kinda want to take in tommy requests but i’m not sure??? it would be both cc! and c! x gn!reader for sure tho. i love writing him to bits but who knows, maybe i’ll only stick to my ideas,, or not. send in a tommy x reader request, might do it, might not, but he’s my fav cc if you can’t tell so! :D (i dunno if i will keep it strictly platonic, but unrequited crushes and stuff are fun to write hehe,,)

edit: let’s hope i fixed all the grammar mistakes LMAO we love writing late at night :) /s /hj

#tommyinnit #tubbo #ranboo #wilbur soot #technoblade #philza #dream smp #sbi #dsmp #mcyt #dream smp imagines #dream smp x reader #dream smp x you #dream smp x y/n #dream smp headcannon #sbi imagine #sbi x reader #sbi headcanons #mcyt imagine #mcyt x reader #mcyt x you #mcyt x y/n #mcyt headcanons