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ahtohallan-calling · 4 years

Text

chapter 5 of don’t read the last page is here!

[kristanna / m / multichap / modern au with actress!anna and vetstudent!kristoff]

He’d put the phone down on the counter while he made breakfast, but now that his hands were free again he still didn’t pick it up; after their initial awkward phone call, they’d started FaceTiming instead, and as much as he loved seeing her face, he was really glad she couldn’t see his right now.

“And I was soo confused, so I started telling her, like, ‘Seriously, Honey, he’s got this amazing blond hair that you just like, want to touch all the time and these big brown eyes and little freckles and plus I’m pretty sure he’s kind of ripped and I—‘ Kristoff, I heard the microwave go off already. Are you hiding from me?”

“No,” he muttered, his face turning even redder.

chapter 5

day 1

Sven was just stumbling into the kitchen when Kristoff came in. He frowned, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

“You look really happy for someone who just dropped off their girlfriend at the airport for a six-week trip,” he said, pouring a glass of chocolate milk.

“Not my girlfriend.”

“Not the important part of that sentence.”

Kristoff snagged the bottle and poured himself a cup. “This is mine, by the way, so you owe me.”

“Fine, I’ll buy toilet paper l-- no, I know you, Bjorgman, you’re trying to distract me.”

Sven narrowed his eyes further, fixing Kristoff with a hard stare. He tried to look as innocent as possible as he went to rummage through the fridge, but then he remembered the way Anna had clung to him, the feel of her little hands in his hair, the press of her lips against--

“Oh my god! You kissed her!”

Kristoff stood, not bothering to hide his smile anymore. “Well, technically, she kissed me.”

“I fucking called it, man, I knew you wouldn’t be able to hold off that much longer.”

“We really did try.”

“You didn’t even make it a week, my guy,” Sven said amiably, meandering into the living room. “You tried harder at Mario Kart the other night. Which, by the way, I know you lost on purpose so Anna could win.”

Kristoff considered arguing, but then his phone lit up with a text from Anna, so instead he grinned and walked away to the sound of Sven sighing dramatically. “I heard that buzz! I know it’s her! Jesus, I’d say get a room, but--”

Kristoff didn’t hear the rest as he shut his bedroom door.

kris!! theres wifi i can text you

Im in first class look

That’s crazy

They gave you champagne this early in the morning?

supposed to be for mimosas

but it’s like 5 o clock somewhere

specifically romania so

That jet lag is going to be rough.

How long is your flight?

10 hrs to london then 3 to bucharest💀

but i think my seat turns into a bed so ill try to sleep

theres sooooo many movies tho!

omg theyre bringing more snacks….i feel like a movie star already

You kind of are.

havent made the movie yet!!

oh the director is here he wants to talk ttyl

---

day 4

For some reason, her hands were shaking as they hovered over the green button. “Just do it, Anna,” she muttered to herself. “It’s just Kristoff. He told you to call.”

Thanks to the time difference and long flights, it had taken most of two days to even get here, and on her first full day in Romania she’d been so overwhelmed with the film set and meeting her co-star Adam and talking to the directors and producers and costumers and cameramen that she’d completely crashed the moment she’d gotten back to her hotel room. She’d woken up in the middle of the night and sent Kristoff a quick text apologizing for not calling; he’d responded almost immediately, reassuring her that it was fine and to just call him the next day. At a reasonable hour, he’d made sure to add, not at 2 A.M. Go back to sleep.

She had, and then she’d nearly missed her alarm and hadn’t had time to call him in the morning, and then she’d been filming her first scene and been so overwhelmed by all of that that now it was nearly six o’clock, and it was the first time she’d gotten to look at her phone all day.

He’d texted her once at around 9 A.M. her time. Good luck today! You’ll kill it. Her heart had done a funny little flip at the message, simple as it was; every time she thought of Kristoff, it didn’t feel quite real, like it was just a daydream she would wake up from, but here it was, concrete proof that even literally halfway around the world-- more than halfway, actually-- he was still thinking of her, still caring about her.

The remembrance of that was what finally gave her the courage to hit call. She felt too nervous to FaceTime him, especially considering she was already in sweatpants and halfway through eating a bowl of pasta on her bed. He picked up on the third ring, sounding breathless for some reason.

“Hey! Anna! How are you?”

“I’m, um, I’m good! How are you? You sound kind of...out of breath?”

“Oh, yeah, you caught me at the gym, so I--”

“Oh! I’m so sorry, let me hang up and--”

“No, don’t! I’m almost done, just--”

There was a quick beep in the background, and a whirring noise she hadn’t noticed until now stopped. “Okay, sorry, we’re good.”

She couldn’t help but imagine what he looked like right now, with his hair hanging in his eyes and sweat dripping down his very well-muscled--

“Anna? You there?”

He’d just asked her something, but she’d been too busy daydreaming to catch it. Maybe it really was for the best she hadn’t gone for FaceTime; she probably would have been struck speechless at the sight of him. “Sorry, I was just-- sorry. Um. What did you say?”

He laughed softly. “I asked how your first day of filming went.”

“Oh! It was good, really good, actually. We filmed that scene I auditioned with, actually. They changed the bit about the cowboy boots.”

“Thank god. I don’t know anything about movies, but I know that was awful.”

“Oh, yeah, Adam-- that’s who’s playing Jesse-- he said they’d have to double his paycheck if they wanted him to say shit like that, and then we kind of improv-ed something else and it went really well.”

“That’s awesome!”

Anna felt herself blushing, just barely, at the sound of the genuine pride in his voice. “It was, um, it was nothing, really.”

“So how’s all of it going? Are the...um...honestly, I don’t know who all is involved in making movies. But are the other people nice?”

“Yeah! I really like the girl who does my hair and makeup, her name’s Honey. Isn’t that cute?”

Kristoff laughed; she could hear him starting the car in the background. Anna bit her lip. “Oh-- did you get to shower?”

“I will at home, don’t worry. Anyway--”

“You need to focus on driving? Yeah, I totally get it, seriously. Bye!”

She hit the red button and quickly dropped her phone. Her heart had been pounding the whole time; god, she was really out of practice with this whole thing. Embarrassment swept over her, and she buried her face in her knees; how the hell was this going to work when she was too self-conscious to talk to him for more than five minutes? God, she’d be lucky if he ever bothered to call her again after this.

To her surprise, the phone buzzed only a moment later. She debated picking it up for a long moment, then decided to go ahead and rip the bandaid off and snatched it up.

Just FYI, I was feeling really nervous, too. Want me to call you back after I get home and shower?

For some reason, tears started to fill her eyes as she typed a response.

yes please :)

She showered, too, taking her time as she let the hot water work its magic on the tension in her shoulders, drawing in slow, deep breaths to steady herself. It wasn’t that every guy she’d ever dated had been bad, per se, just that it had been quite a long time since she’d been with someone who made her feel this nervous and excited and terrified and joyful all at once-- actually, now that she thought about it, she didn’t know if she’d ever liked someone else this much right off the bat. Since coming to L.A. almost two years ago, she’d had a string of bad luck with men, and it was strange readjusting to the notion that one would want to talk to her as much as she wanted to talk to him, that he actually wanted to hear about her day, that he saw right through all her embarrassing little defense mechanisms and somehow knew just what to say to make her feel better. Of course they knew each other, but this was something different, something more, as if she didn’t even have to say something for him to understand.

Her phone buzzed again ten minutes after she got out of the shower; with a smile, she picked it up.

“Hey, Kris.”

“Hey, Anna.”

“Ready to try again?”

“With you? Always.”

---

day 9

“So I was telling her, like, ‘I wish I had a recent picture of him to show you because he’s like, super super hot.’ And she kind of made this face and was like ‘that won’t make a difference.’”

“No,” he muttered, his face turning even redder.

Anna giggled. “Then show me your face.”

He did so reluctantly; to his surprise, she didn’t laugh. “Kris, you know you are, like, super handsome, right? Seriously.”

“I’m, um, I’m just gonna—“

“I mean it. Like I get why you’re feeling shy about it and stuff but just know that, okay?”

He only nodded, feeling a little better, although his face was still heated. Anna, knowing when to leave well enough alone, smiled at him and continued her story. “Anyway, I told her all that and she just started laughing, and finally when I was done she was like ‘Anna, I’m gay’. And so then I showed her a picture of my sister, and I’m just saying, when we’re back in LA, we’re definitely doing a double date.”

—-

day 15

She didn’t know why she felt so nervous about telling him about it. She’d already texted him that morning telling him what scenes they were filming, and it wasn’t like it had meant anything; it was just part of the movie, and Adam was married anyway— but then again, it wasn’t that part that had really been bothering her. She still wasn’t sure until she was explaining it all to Kristoff, forcing herself to maintain eye contact as she held up her phone inside the blanket nest she’d constructed on her bed.

“And like, he and I are good friends now, so that at least made it easier. And we were all in character and stuff, so, you know, it felt right, and then they started the fake snow going and we just did it, you know?”

“Uh-huh,” Kristoff said, his voice neutral.

“That like— this doesn’t bother you, right?” she asked quickly. “Because seriously, it didn’t mean—“

“Anna, I know. This is literally your job, I’m not jealous or anything. But please tell me if I ever make you feel like I’m mad or something, because I’m seriously not.”

She let out the breath she’d been holding. “I— I know. I just...wanted to make sure. Because it still, like...still felt weird to me, you know? And I can’t figure out why.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “Have you done this before? Like, stage kissing and stuff?”

“Oh, yeah, lots of times. But this time felt kind of different. I just don’t know why.”

He considered it for a moment, looking so thoughtful she couldn’t help but smile, feeling a little flutter in her chest at the thought that he really and truly cared about helping her figure this out. “Enough about me, though, tell me about that crazy to-go order you texted me about. Did you end up getting to see the person who’d ordered it?”

They talked for so long Anna lost track of time, until she yawned so widely Kristoff stopped talking mid-sentence.

“Anna, what time is it there?”

“Um...close to eleven?”

“What time did you get up this morning?”

“...four.”

He laughed softly. “Get some sleep. I’ll talk to you again tomorrow morning, okay?”

She wanted to argue, but honestly she’d been fighting to keep her eyes open for the last half hour. “Night, Kris.”

“Night, Anna. Sweet dreams.”

He said that every night, but the way he’d smiled tonight— she was thinking about it until long after she’d hung up her phone and closed her eyes. Then, suddenly, she sat upright and snatched it up again, typing furiously.

figured it out...before, there’s never been someone i ACTUALLY wanted to kiss instead

I wish it had been me, too.

—

day 21

hey kris!!! sorry i know it’s the middle of the night there so i hope this doesn’t wake you up but i set an alarm on my phone for the exact time and as of like 10 seconds ago we’re halfway there!!!!!!! 😊😊😊

To her surprise, a response came just a few minutes later.

:) Knew we could do this.

—

day 23

“I got my class schedule today.”

“Yeah? Show me!”

He held it up awkwardly to the camera, and she squinted at it. “Oh, wow, that’s a lot of blocks. Are you still going to work at Starbucks?”

“Yeah, I’ve been there the whole time I’ve been in school. Just work less hours on weekdays, usually pick up some early morning weekend shifts.”

“Oh, that sucks.”

He shrugged. “It works out. I, uh, I’ve got some scholarships that cover most of my tuition, so then it’s, y’know. Rent money and stuff.”

Anna frowned, feeling suddenly acutely aware of how much money she was making for a lot less work. “Will you have, like...any free time?”

“Oh, yeah, of course,” he said quickly, suddenly sounding nervous. “I promise I’ll still have time to hang out with you and stuff, just--”

“No, no that’s like-- shit, that’s not what I meant, Kris, I mean I kind of did but like-- I’m not trying to like, pressure you or--”

“No, I get it, I--”

“No, I mean like school is way important and you like--”

“Seriously, when I say we can--”

Anna took a deep breath. “Okay. You talk first.”

“I, um. I don’t want you to think, like, I won’t make time for you or something, though. Um-- that was all.”

She smiled, wishing she could be there in person; it was so much easier to reassure him when she could just squeeze his hand. “Seriously, that’s not what I meant. I was just worried about you, ‘cause that’s, like, a lot of stress. So if there’s anything I can do to like, help or whatever, just...just let me know. Like...with anything.”

“Seriously, I think it’ll help a ton to just have a pretty girl keeping me company while I study.”

She felt her cheeks turn pink. “What if I end up wanting to distract you?”

Now she wasn’t the only one blushing.

---

day 30

“Miss you.”

“Miss you, too.”

Tonight, there wasn’t really anything else to say.

—-

day 34

He’d stopped leaving his phone on silent overnight; it was silly, really, but he always had a tiny fear that maybe something would happen over in Romania while he was asleep, and maybe Anna would need to reach him, and there probably wouldn’t be anything he could actually do...but still.

Despite that, though, it still took a lot to wake him, so when his phone went off one night close to three in the morning, he nearly missed the call. “Hello?” he mumbled sleepily, putting it to his ear.

He heard a familiar little giggle. “It’s FaceTime, Kris. I’m sorry to wake you up, I just-- I really wanted you to see this.”

“Oh-- hang on.” He fumbled for his glasses on the nightstand, sliding them on and blinking blearily at the screen. “Um...where are you? I just see, like...the ceiling?”

“Oh-- that’s cause I gave my phone to Honey, just a second, and she’ll show you.”

The phone was lifted up suddenly by a pretty woman with bronze skin and dark hair thrown up into a bun. “Nice to meet you, Anna’s boyfriend.”

He wondered if she could see him blush even in the dark room. “Nice to meet you, too.”

“Okay, okay, I’m ready!” he heard Anna chirp from somewhere. “Turn the camera!”

Honey did with a laugh, and Kristoff sat upright, his eyes wide. Anna was in a deep blue ballgown that fit perfectly to her torso before flaring out into a long, shimmery skirt. Her hair was down, set in curls that shone especially bright against the dark color of the gown, and she was smiling so brightly he thought his heart was going to burst.

“You look beautiful, baby,” he said, half-convinced he was still dreaming.

She was quiet for a moment, and then he realized she was blushing bright red. He heard Honey giggle, and then the phone was being handed back over to Anna. “You’ve never called me that before.”

“What, beautiful? I definitely--”

“No, I--” Her blush deepened. “Kris, are you wearing a shirt?”

He glanced down. “Oh-- uh, no, I’m not. Sorry, I didn’t think you’d be able to see without the lights--”

A mischievous glint was twinkling in her eye. “Trust me, Bjorgman, there’s nothing to apologize for.”

Now he was blushing, too. “Um-- so you’ve got to be filming something special today, right?”

“Yeah, the big ballroom scene. I just...I really love this dress, and the way Honey did my hair and stuff, and I, um...I wanted you to see.”

He smiled softly. “I’m glad. You really do look so, so beautiful.”

She opened her mouth to say something else, but then he heard Honey call, “Hey, Anna, say bye to the boyfriend, they want you on set in five.”

Anna turned back to the camera, looking suddenly nervous. “Kris, are you my boyfriend?”

“Do you want me to be?”

“Yeah.”

He grinned, no longer sleepy. “Okay.”

Anna laughed. “Okay?”

“Hey, it’s still the middle of the night, and I’m still kind of speechless after seeing you in that dress. Cut me some slack.”

“Go back to bed. Sorry I woke you up.”

He yawned. “I’m not.”

---

day 40

“Look! All packed!” She grinned, turning her phone quickly around the room to show off her only slightly overstuffed suitcases. “And ready to come home!”

“Do you think you’ll miss it?”

“No, I mean...it’s beautiful and all here, but it’s still not home.”

Kristoff grinned at that. “You still want me to pick you up from the airport?”

“Um, is that even a question?”

He laughed. “Just making sure! I mean, six weeks is a long time, don’t know if you got tired of me.”

“Kristoff, the second I get back to LA, I’m like, jumping on you again and kissing the fuck out of you.”

He waggled his eyebrows. “And then?”

She could tease him, too. “And then you’d better hurry the hell up and take me back to your apartment so I can show you how much I missed you.”

“....Jesus Christ. Why does waiting two more days suddenly feel so much longer than the other forty?”

#3k words this time #yay yay yay #drtlp #my fics

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mattyslittleworld · 5 years

Text

Snowbirds & Townies

1:42 am / Tick Tock Diner 34th & 8th Ave New York City. I don’t know what keeps bringing me back here. I was in Hoboken and grabbed my skateboard and hopped the path into the 9th street station in Manhattan. As soon as I got above ground it was snowing. Blizzard shit. I skated in the snow over to Union Square to see the punks but it was ghost. So from there I got lost in my headphones and skated all the way up 20 streets to 34th. The most free I’ve felt in awhile. I want to be so far from music. So far from anything and anybody I’ve ever known. It felt like I was a different person. Music isolates me, especially now, and it leaves me depressed and alone. During these dark lows I would stay at Bepa’s and talk to him in the kitchen over coffee and then hop the train to the ferry - into manhattan and get lost in a fake identity. Be whoever I want. Start over just for a little. But here I am, again. At the same diner that I lived above before I started touring heavy as a kid. Right before I took my first swing. The same closet sized room I’d leave late night and meet all my friends and just run wild in the city spray painting, skating, and terrorizing. But secretly deep down, hurting. Wanting something more. Edge of offing myself. Wanting companionship. Wanting love. Wanting to get the fuck out. Wanting everything I have now - and will have. I’m back here only difference is I worked with Cage. I sang for Shai Hulud, I’ve gained the respect and shared the stage with everyone I looked up to, I toured 14 countries, I worked with every top respectable rapper from the east coast, I’ve sold out shows, I released the album I wrote here, I did a song and video with Danny Clinch, I did a song with Jesse Malin, I played with HR from Bad Brains, ive played a sold out show at The Stone Pony (without an album), ive played a sold out show at The Bowery Ballroom, ive sang Clash songs with Brian Fallon and Craig from The Hold Steady - I’ve done everything I ever wanted to do sitting in that room. I fell in love then out of love then back in love with my high school crush. I’ve been heart broken. Shooting the music video with Danny Clinch was intense for me. He’s become my bro and I’m mad grateful for his friendship, but damn was that wild. I was on a 3 day run. I hung out with a beautiful lady and passed out in my jeans after she stuffed my face with orange soda and candy and made me watch Ryan Gosling fuck a doll. I stayed up till like 5 am. Woke up in my clothes at like 7 am two hours later. Had the video shoot at noon and I was mad far from my house. Woke up shot up north with my Dunkin and picked up Rob. SOOOOO TIRED and sick from the soda and candy. Changed real quick and went to the studio where we shot the video. We set up the scene for 2 hours and got angles and then Danny got there and I’m tipping over tired and flustered from this pretty girl. We shot for a half hour then took a break and I was nodding off on the floor during the break. Came back and killed off the video by a piano. After that me and Rob were mind blown over this goal being accomplished. Gratitude isn’t even the word. Next day I get hit by Tsu Surf with a time and place for a session last minute so me and rob drop our shit and shoot over and bang out this hit song that’s got a summer vibe that I made off the influence of this pretty girl. He killed it. I’m an actual fan of him so it was mad cool we could get in the room together and knock this out. That was the first time ive ever collabed in a “Industry” setting where its all bout business - very corporate. I had to adjust to that environment and put a suit on. Times like those make you realize your love for music, your passion, and your “art” simply just don't matter. These managers and shit just don't give a fuck about your grandpa dying and the song you made out of it, or the girl you love and the song you made out of it - they're like yeah fuck yourself lets get money - and you have to jump in or jump out. I jumped in and learned my place. It’s wild to think of what he’s been through over the past few years. Getting out of prison for attempted murder then getting lit up 5 times, surviving, and then while you’re healing you make a tape and it goes up the charts to number 2 in a day, unsigned. Mad funny seeing local level bands desperate to get signed - they don't even know what that means now. My pleasure to work my man, I salute you with honor and respect. After that session I went home and took a week off, after non stop grinding for the past 2 years. The Danny Clinch video shoot right into the Tsu Surf session killed me off. In Surfs studio I couldn’t even keep my head up. I’m so burnt out. What am I searching for here at this diner? What is my soul lacking? What is my heart lacking? I spend many nights here alone, staring out this window drinking coffee. Missing Bepa. Missing people. Missing a certain time of my life when everything was free. But not in a I need to get a life and move on kind of way. It’s not pathetic. I have moved on. I did get a life. I did pretty damn good on my own. I got it from the mud. So why look back? It’s hard for me to mix my social personal life with people I know from music. They don’t know the memories I have, they don’t give a shit. They don’t know anything about me. They don’t want to find that liberating freedom that I am searching for when I come to this diner - that I had when I lived here. I still don't want to get drunk or high. I don't want to watch you get drunk. You could be sober and grinding with a clear head. I want to spend time with people like that. Gorilla promotion. Animalistic work ethic. The snow is coming down fierce and I gotta skate back to the path to go back to Hoboken, then drive all the way home. I won’t be home for awhile. Hopefully till the sun comes up. I want to be lost. I want to be gone. I want to be bliss. I want to walk into this pharmacy across the street again and get cherry coke 12ozs and just sit on my bed and watch blacklisted videos on YouTube. I want to go to pen station and grab a soda and a magazine and take the LIRR to a hardcore show and not get home till the next morning. Strung out after a night of fucking mayhem and laughing. Love, friends, and just fucking beauty. We can still be beautiful. After the money - you can still be whoever the fuck you want. Let’s be beautiful and reckless and never sleep. I love my life. I hate my life. I’m happy. I’m depressed. I want to live. I want to die. I am alive. I am dead. Now on the train back home, braved the blizzard. I noticed a void in how music has been touching me lately. Anything hip hop related seemed stale. Any Americana or folk seemed dead and expired. Rock n roll boring. Even heavy hardcore was horrible. I ended up in a wormhole of bands like Thursday and From Autumn To Ashes. Poison The Well, even weirdo shit like It Dies Today. Folly really hit me hard. I have specific memories to these records and they’re so beautiful and god damn I miss these people. Being in middle school and debating the differences between FATA and PTW. As I’m typing this I just got noticed on the path train for music and they complemented my shattered realm hoodie and I showed him I was listening to from first to last and he died laughing. He said he heard my career was “bumping” and I’m sitting here soaking wet freezing and hungry on a train in all black curled up in a ball around my skateboard. Emily by FFTL is the best song ever written. Even better than Bob Dylan. Fight me.

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drybonesawaken · 3 years

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A group of people wanted to share a journal together. So this week, I've been journaling (almost) every day, and tomorrow I'm gonna be passing it onto the next person.

It was kinda fun. Bit scary to put my thoughts out there - but not that bad tbh. I figured since I am not gonna keep the journal I should transcribe my thoughts somewhere, so here they are.

Yes, the math bits were included in the journal when I wrote. Just something fun I did. You can try to figure out if it means anything if you want :)

Maple 3.27.21

I don't like journaling .-. mah handwriting sucks, and pen ink takes too long to dry. Apologies If any of this page is smudged as a result ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ And no, Maple does not use anything but pen. When mistakes are made, and trust they will definitely be made, you see a lot of bleh <- that. I also missed like three words in the previous sentence, but it's messy to try to go back and put them in :( this is the consequence of writing when brain is running at negative mph... This may be two paragraphs of nothing, but honestly that's how my day goes, usually. Right now I'm listening to this audiobook to fill up my brain and stop it from thinking. It's quite interesting. I read the book back in middle school, and it's taking me on a trip down memory lane. I was listening to this earlier while playing tetris, too. I'm joining a tetris tournament tomorrow, so I've been grinding this week. Hopefully it goes well! It's funny how I spend so much time playing this game which means so little - but somehow, I find fulfillment in the emptiness that it brings me. Breaking personal records is such a meaningless ordeal, but somehow it's something I strive so hard to do. These days, PBs come once every couple of months. It's not worth it.

Maple 3.28.21

Today felt like I did everything and nothing all at the same time. I found out I don't like tetris tournaments. I hung out with some friends. I ate a big dinner. I made some choices I highkey regretted, yet couldn't stop myself from making in the moment. I spent some time sulking over said mistakes by cuddling with roommate. Very thankful for him - I definitely make him so uncomfortable LOL but he puts up with it because he knows touch is my love language. I was debating for awhile today over what I should eat for dinner (or breakfast or lunch or whatever you want to call it :') ) and I realized what I wanted to eat most was my own cooking. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling like cooking, so I had to settle for something else, but this was kind of a wake up call: when's the last time I cooked for myself? hmmm... It's also at the same time pretty cool because less than a year ago, I was still at a place where I strongly disliked my cooking and only ate it because I had to. Crazy how things can change in just a year - my culinary skills must have improved a lot over last summer... I really need to get my car tires fixed tomorrow. I have time tomorrow. I had better go. If I don't, my car is gonna break.

How does one stop beating themselves up for their mistakes? I don't struggle with forgiveness, but oh how I struggle with forgiving myself...

1 + 2 = 4 = 2

Maple 3.30.21

Yesterday, we had to record something for Easter that took forever. It was not fun. I kept messing up. And my perfectionist self kept blabbering about wanting to redo certain things. Everyone was tired - it went so long - some people had exams; I can only imagine how annoying it must have been to hear me complaining about doing things again, and yet - and I hate myself for this - I couldn't help but keep bringing it up. Of course, being unsatisfied with the way I played, I volunteered to patch things up in post production. *sigh*, what a mistake that ended up being. Afterwards, I was tired and wanted to go home. Yet, because someone asked, and I guess I was a bit hungry, I decided to go get food with Junshik and Bryan. My ulterior motive was to talk to Bryan about buying cars, so I guess that worked out. But yikes, I only got 7 hours of sleep last night. - Today sucked. I'm realizing more and more that part of depression is the complete dependence on sleep. When I get not enough sleep, I'm not just fatigued: my life is just hell. I straight up no-showed to a meeting and apologized for it 8 hours after the fact (my excuse was that I feel asleep. Wow, something so embarrassing most people would find an excuse for it has now become my go to excuse. Rip). Went to a meetup because I didn't want to cancel - again - so that was fun (sorry if you're reading this. I lied when I said that I was ok :/). Life group was great I wanted to die but I was leading worship so I couldn't just leave. And oh yeah I just spent the last 4 hours after life group mixing that audio clip because stupid ol' me volunteered to do it asap yesterday. Tomorrow will be fun. I have 7 meetings/meetups from 9am to 8pm. I wonder how many I'll cancel last minute, or straight up skip...? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I hate ______.

Maple 3.31.21

9am to 8pm today was rough. It's kinda crazy - when I wake up, I knew it wasn't gonna be a good day...but I really needed it to be at least an okay day. And I think I somehow willed that into existence :O I need to try this again sometime. Didn't cancel or skip a single thing today! (Praise God!!!) After my meetings all ended, I had to tutor for another 3 hours until 11:30, too. That was draining. I also pranked a friend today - told her I was dating right after midnight. Oh I love April Fools. She's the only one I can consistently troll year after year. I also spent a considerable amount of time after midnight trying to figure out how to script Audacity in Python. Useless, sure, but it could save us sound people a couple of minutes every Sunday if I figure it out. This is what my degree is for :') Sleep is going to feel so good tonight.

5 + 4 - 7 = 2 + 1 11 + 1 + 1 - 1 = 6 4 + 2 = 3 5 = 2 + 2 - 3 5 = 4 - 1 - 2

Maple 4.2.21

I think my handwriting is getting better with this almost-daily practice =) This whole week has been busy-ness from when I wake up to when I go to bed. Hung out with people yesterday for the first time this week, and it was pretty tiring. I can't say I regret it though; I had a lot of fun and learned a lot about certain people. Recently, I've been noticing that people can tell when I'm tired a lot more obviously - someone on worship team who I only interact with on Sundays literally called me out for it. I'm finding that it just sort of slips onto my face, in such a way that I don't notice and can't even recognize it: I'm shocked every time it happens. Maybe it's because I've lost the will to live, so the lack of will to hide it came alongside as well. I accidentally let it slip that I've been brain empty to worship team today, and now there are even more people worried for me, some of whom I barely know. I'm such a burden :( Brain empty is honestly such a mood though. I have too many problems and not enough will to confront them. Better to just avoid. Yeah yeah yeah this is not healthy I know. I'll save doing things the healthy way for tomorrow :')

1 + 1 = 4 + 3 + 2 + 1 8 = 7 6 - 5 = 10 + 1 1 + 2 = 1 - 1

Maple 4.3.21

Today was supposed to be a more chill day, but it really wasn't... Forced myself to get out of bed for a meetup rather than cancel it. I think if I had cancelled it, everything else I had to do today would have followed suit shortly after.... It ended up being a 2-hour meetup, straight into 2.5 hours of tutoring. As much as they might have been pretty ok tbh, I can't say I enjoyed it. I was so dead afterwards. I wanted to cancel my dinner meetup so bad. But I had already gone shopping earlier today (during the first meetup) so that I could cook for him. And I knew if I cancelled it'd be another week before I'd have a chance. The food would have gone bad. So following 2 tilt-inducing matches of tetris which were supposed to be stress relieving (they were not), commenced 2 hours of cooking, followed by a 3.5 hr meetup. It was... haha... Did I enjoy it? Yup. Did I have a hella-thick mask on the whole time? Also yup. I'm so ready for a long hot shower and an early bedtime. Tomorrow is Easter. I'm not feeling very victorious...

1 + 2 = 4 - 1 1 + 1 - 1 + 1 = 1 1 + 2 + 3 - 4 = 4 - 1 - 2 + 1

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stylessemantics · 6 years

Text

30 Q’s with Iv

Heyooo it me again. I was tagged by the lovely @queenmestyles and I have to say after reading through her answers I was in shock. It’s uncanny how many of her answers could also be MY answers to the same questions so little Queen get ready to read your own answers back lol.

1. Nicknames?

I have none. My mom calls me cookie and literally no one has come up with a good enough nickname to my crappy name. My name’s just hard to nickname. My friend andrea calls me Nana for some reason and @legend-waitforit-harry is in the middle of calling me Pink Banana which I’m not complaining about lol. Iv isn’t even a thing so...

2. Gender?

Je suis une femme. (why am i trying to speak french?)

3. Star Sign?

Virgo. (VIRGANG)

4. Height?

5’6 which im glad that I finally discovered. Is there a way to make me smaller?

5. Time?

10:30 AM

6. Birthday?

September 14, 1995

7. Favorite bands?

Well: One Direction, The 1975, LANY, The Beatles, JOURNEY, NSP, The Kooks, The Strokes, The Vaccines, Tame Impala, Coldplay, Maroon 5, Tower of Power, Earth Wind and Fire. Foster The People. Gorillaz, Hall and Oates. Cage The Elephant. DNCE, Daft Punk AND MANY MANY MANY MORE.

8. Favorite solo artists?

Harry Styles well duh, Prince, BØRNS, Dua Lipa, Demi Lovato, Michael Buble, Niall Horan, Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne, Dylan Gardner, DEAN, Zico, Jordan Gable, Bruno Mars. Nick Jonas. Ella Fitzgerald. George Benson, The Weekend. THERE’S A LOT.

9. Song stuck in my head?

20/20 by The Vaccines IT’S SUCH A FUCKING BOP I RECOMMEND SO HARD ITS ON MY “songs i wish i had written/want to play live” playlist

10. Last movie you watched?

Wonder Woman

11. Last show you watched?

The Good Place or Jane The Virgin. Just got into the good place and had to catch up on Jane, now all i have left is to catch up on Riverdale

12. When did you create your blog?

July 10th 2016. I had another blog before that but never posted on it and then created this from scratch after being inspired by some of my awesome mutuals to write!

13. What do I post?

I reblog a lot, I ramble a lot and mostly Harry Styles related things, and I post a lot of, “PLEASE TALK TO ME” and ask lists because I’m desperate for interaction hah, hah. I’m just lonely.

14. Last thing I googled?

I can’t tell you without giving up personal information so lets go with the thing before that which were Alphabet Aerobics Lyrics.

15. Do you have any other blogs?

Yes i do................. :)

16. Do you get asks?

I HAD THIS DEBATE THE OTHER DAY CAUSE I ACTUALLY DONT GET MANY ASKS OR AS MANY AS I WOULD LOVE TO I JUST LITERALLY JOINED TUMBLR FOR THE INTERACTION AND I DONT REALLY GET MUCH WHICH MAKES ME SAD BUT AT THE SAME TIME I KNOW I DON’T DESERVE IT SO WHEN I DO GET A RANDOM ASK I GET FUCKING PUMPED AND ON THE VERGE OF HAPPY TEARS SO. EXCUSE MY PETTINESS.

17. Why did you choose your url?

I wanted something cool and like funny. Wanted like a word related to harry and then his last name but that didn’t work out so i went with something that i think is basic to languages and slapped it together. It also has a good ring to it and I didn’t hate it meaning I knew I wouldn’t suddenly want to change my URL a week into it which would be a burden.

18. Following?

Not enough people! Recommend me stuff!

19. Followers?

A lot fucking more than I deserve that’s for sure. Like 10 times more.

20. Favorite colors?

Blues, Purple, Green.

21. Average hours of sleep?

I’m just a sad anxiety filled full time daughter who’s just finished college and hasn’t really found a job nor decided what to do with her life after her internship is over. So.... give or take 5-7 hrs? I also binge watch youtube and fall asleep late.

22. Lucky number?

I do not have one.

23. Instruments?

I play ukulele, a little bit of guitar, a little piano and drums, and I sing and write. My parents are full time musicians and I’ve grown up in a music filled home/family/environment and even though im a disappointment cause I don’t play any of these instruments fully, I’m literally alive thanks to music.

24. What am I wearing?

a burgundy sweater, jeans and burgundy shoes. But to add something sexy I do have a burgundy bralette underneath lol.

25. How many blankets do I sleep with?

Just one but it’s like fluffy and sorta thin. It’s too warm over here to sleep with it but I love it. When it’s EXTRA WARM i do just a thin sheet.

26. Dream job?

Concept Creation, Art Direction, Music Video Making, Cinematographer, Illustrator. Music Producer. Singer Songwriter. (these are all titles I dream to have even tho it’s a REACH)

27. Dream vacation?

I would say England but the plan is to LIVE there, not just vacation. So let’s do Brazil (specifically the south and North-east) and Iceland.

28. Favourite food?

Fuck. This is dumb but I really do love cereal. Like... It’s silly for sure but I have no problem eating it for breakfast and dinner everyday. I also love Italian food and sushi and sweets. I just really like food, can’t pick faves. I FUCKING LOVE OREOS.

29. Nationality?

Earthling.

30. Favourite song right now?

IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO CHOOSE. This will change by the minute.

---------------------

So… I tag: @mixed-with-intellect @narrymccartney @icanseeyourholo @cuddlemusclestyles and @stylesinthewild :)

#I was tagged #about me #personal #30 q's #hey!

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soysaucevictim · 5 years

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Woops, this got long... again.

July 16

Meant to get up earlier, but I hit the snooze button too many times and woke up to the van honking outside. I decided not to go to the facility, didn’t feel like rushing out.

Slept in until a bit after 11AM.

I spent a good deal of my day with the usual nonsense.

First, today’s DD. 20 windshield wipers with EC. Not much to really say other than I found that this was manageable.

(After getting royally distracted and getting the rest in way later than I should’ve... not helped by overeating. :I )

Second, Day 9 of the T10C. 10 sets of 2x20″ squats + 20″ of punches. Relatively breezy - found myself shortening the rest period to roughly half the specified time. I also tried to improve my squatting form a bit - perhaps minding whether my knees were angled valgus-like whilst doing them (youtuber orthopedic surgeon Chris Raynor got me interested in checking my form... especially since my knees have been a bit irritable in recent history). I think my knees liked how I was doing things... even if some hamstrings cramped a bit. :P

Last, Day 9 of the CCC. 40 torso twists in one go. Pretty straightforward.

July 17

I got up a little earlier than yesterday.

Not much to show for today other than doing dishes, making some brownies, and getting in my exercise.

First, today’s DD. 1′ tree pose with EC. Because I knew 30"/30" would be too easy for me, I decided to double it for 1'/1' instead! Yay, for all the balancing progress. Also, I always love how meditative this pose is! :D

(After many hours of distraction...)

Second, Day 10 of the T10C. 5 sets of 1′ climbers + 1′ flutter kicks. Let’s just say I was glad that I was able to rest 2′, because that was pretty brutal. Even if I had to do things at a deliberately slower pace for sustainability. I also decided to allow my feet to tap the floor and my head to rest for the flutter kicks. Too late and too tired to be dealing with over-exertion and strain. :P

Last, Day 10 of the CCC. 100 side legs raises in one go (50/50). This was very doable and fairly fun.

July 18

I got up a bit before 8AM.

Got to the facility, socialized, went to WRAP Group, and picked up some paperwork while I was out and about, today.

Shortly after getting home and doing some of the usual, I decided I needed a nap.

After I woke up and while watching YouTube and whatnot.... I got some major anxiety from a possibly dire health-related realization. Threw me for a loop and took awhile before I decided I needed to reach into some coping tools.

One of them being the therapy HW and the other being exercise (a lot later than intended.)

First, today’s DD. 30 push-ups with EC. I debated on whether this was going to be a good idea for me, given the nature of what just lit my nerves on fire today. But I just wanted to get it over with. :P

Second, Day 11 of the T10C. 10′ non-stop punching. I counted 1074 punched thrown, but I may’ve made a counting error. I did enjoy this experience, as expected.

Last, Day 11 of the CCC. 40 torso twists. Breezy work.

July 19

I woke up at around 9AM.

Went to an emergency eye appointment I made a bit later in the morning. Good news is I didn’t have signs of retinal tears. I’m relieved that the flashing disturbance was probably just mild PVD.

Not much else to show for my day outside of that, dishes, dinner, and exercise.

I pretty much only did the DD. 30 single leg deadlifts with EC. This was reasonably fun to do, especially after a few good and mixed things happened this morning. :P

(Also, looks like I didn’t get that job. But I have amicable feelings about how the news was made.)

July 20

I got up a bit before noon.

I did mostly the usual, but also some music exploration and Twitter rambling for the downtime bit.

Only really productive thing I got around to doing was my exercise.

First, today’s DD. 50 prone reverse flies with EC. This got pretty tough in the last 20 or so reps, but was still quite doable and fun. :D

(After getting really distracted...)

Second, Day 12 of the T10C. 10 sets of 2x30″ high knees + 30″ jumping jacks. Did a warmup set of modded down exercises. Definitely got me right winded and regretting drinking so much damn coffee today... orz

Last, Day 12 of the CCC. 110 side leg raises, done in one go (55/55). Very doable, although it did take a bit of time to get the HR down after everything.

July 21

I woke up around the same time as yesterday.

A lot of the same old, same old. But I did get around to catching up with my exercise.

First, today’s DD. 1′ raised leg elbow plank with EC (30″/30″). Tough, but still manageable. Steady breathing is key, yet again. :U

Second, Day 13 of the T10C. 7 sets of 30″ punches + 30″ shoulder taps, with 3′ of punches as a finisher. The shoulder taps were made more challenging by deliberately avoiding rocking. I did enjoy all the punching.

(After a bit of distractions and waffling...)

Third, Day 14 of the T10C. 5 sets of 1′ squats + 1′ flutter kicks. Again, glad I got 2′ of rest. But I did have to vary how I executed the flutter kicks, some durations with head held up, some down, some keeping the legs above the floor, and others where I allowed them to tap.

Last, Days 13+14 of the CCC. 40 torso twists + 120 side leg raises, done in one go. Got a bit dizzy with the former, but I did the latter pretty handily in 60/60.

July 22

I woke up again around the same time in the morning.

A lot of the same, including exercise.

First, today’s DD. 50 crunches with EC. Tough, but still manageable. Steady breathing is key, yet again. :D

Second, Day 15 of the T10C. 10′ non-stop side-to-side leg raises. Was a bit too distracted to keep count, so I just dropped that and just focused on getting through the duration. Left hip complained more than the right, but it felt good to be able to manage this task.

Last, Day 15 of the CCC. Just 40 torso twists again. Breezy work.

July 23

I woke up pretty much at 8AM.

The first thing I did while at the facility was the DD. 1′ chest squeeze with EC. Very doable, the trembling is an amusing consequence of holding this contraction. :,D

Went to Seeking Safety and did a bit of housekeeping with all the handouts I’ve collected from the course. I then spent the rest of my time there socializing and working on a drawing.

Spent some time at home doing dishes, making dinner, gaming, and watching Black Mirror with Pops.

I would have done my exercise, if the power didn’t go out before I could. I spent most of the outage talking with the family and playing a puzzle game (Brick by Brick, physical game pieces... didn’t want to drain my computer’s battery.)

By the time the power came on, it was too late to bother getting in my workout. *Shrugs.*

July 24

I got just a bit earlier than yesterday.

I don’t normally go to the facility on Wednesdays. But I got an RSVP for a meeting there today. I spent my time leading up to that doing some socializing and drawing.

The meeting was with an organization aiming to assess how our county can use tech for wellbeing. Got a free sandwich and 25$ gift card out of it. Decided to buy a new cooling fan for my laptop. :,D (But for real, I actually do like the thought of getting involved and feeling valued for my contribution.)

Got home, did a lot of the usual before getting in my exercise for the day (despite sleep debt and feeling a bit overtired.)

First, today’s DD. 2′ wall-sit with EC. Oof, that felt a bit harder than usual. Doing this specific thing while watching something funny is just a smidge better than listening to music as a distraction from the burning quads. :,D

Second, Day 16 of the T10C. 4 sets of 1′ jumping jacks + 1′ punches, with a finisher of 2′ sit-ups. I liked all three exercises, but I had to slow down the jacks and sit-ups because of my energy level (and kinda full stomach).

Last, Day 16 of the CCC. 130 side leg raises, done in one pop (65/65). Given PBs, this is still very doable.

With that... I ought to get some dishes taken care of and move toward winding down for the night.

#adventures with fitness

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