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#well i have learned my fucking lesson havent i
vampmilf · 1 year
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FINALLY GETTING MY FIRST DRIVING LESSON NEXT THURSDAY CAN I GET A WOO-OAAA
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oddmerit · 2 years
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heres a few links from my bookmarks folder full of HTML and CSS resources that i used when first making my neocities website because i want other people to make their own sites as well because its fun :)
how to actually do html and css
web design in 4 minutes - this is the site that really made HTML and CSS click for me, following along as the author describes what’s he’s doing to the webpage and showing how it changes the presentation (you don’t need the book he shills at the end. i did without)
w3schools introduction to html - takes you through the very basics of creating a website, lesson-by-lesson. big goldmine for code to grab and scaffold off of once you have some basic skills
mozilla’s html guide - also a great beginner’s guide by the people who made mozilla, although i didnt use it as much as w3 schools
brackets.io - this is the program i use to write the files i use for my website. lets you do splitscreen to work with two files at once, gives you a breakdown of all the files in your website’s folder, and will let you autofill commonly-used tags and files in the code. supposedly has a live preview function but it doesnt work that well for me when i’m using a second monitor, which i normally do when coding. just save the file and refresh the page instead. 
(side note: i work in a software external to neocities instead of directly in the neocities editor because 1. local files update with a refresh and neocities has to update the cookies AND download all the website info again once you update, and 2. it effectively gives you a mass undo button if you fuck up because you have your files hosted in multiple places (local and online). yes its kinda annoying to have to manually upload all my files especially bc you cant upload whole folders AND you cant move their locations once uploaded but i prefer it to working directly on the site. if you have a neocities pro subscription ($5/month) you can mount your website directly on your machine as opposed to the neocities dashboard, which basically means you dont have to manually upload the code every time you change something -- it’ll update automatically)
codepen - if you prefer something browser-based to work in then try codepen, i used it a little bit at the beginning when trying to troubleshoot some code i didn’t quite understand. you need an account to actually save your work and im not sure if it actually lets you upload folders bc i never signed up lol
premade engines/sites/themes/etc etc
neothemes or eggramen or templaterr - if you wanna get a quick start on a neocities site, you CAN use a theme generator/premade theme. if you go this route i would still heavily recommend trying to learn HTML and CSS, and then go into the guts of your own website to try and pick it apart and change it to your liking
zonelets - a static blogging engine that uses HTML, CSS, and javascript. made for use on neocities but theoretically useable elsewhere. takes about 15 minutes to set up (if you use a default theme, but its pretty customizable if you know what you’re doing) and requires you to 1. write blog posts in html and 2. modify some code in a script file every time you want to upload a post, but it will automatically let you browse posts in order once you get everything uploaded
rarebit - a neocities webcomic template — havent used it yet but looks cool, and seems to operate off of the same principles as zonelets. 
glightbox - this is the lightbox javascript code i use when i want to display a lot of images on one page. i found this code via clicking “inspect element” on a neocities fanpage that the webmaster drew a lot of fanart for. you should click inspect element on neocities pages that you like so you can understand how they do what you like (you can even look at their css by clicking the style.css link you have to include at the top of your page)
plus a couple masterlists/directories:
yesterlinks
sadgrl.online’s webmastery directory
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at this point my tumblr is just becoming a british politics blog but anyway, updates on the police misconduct at the coronation:
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[Alt text:]
Anti-monarchy arrests at coronation to be scrutinised by MPs
Chair of home affairs select committee says decision to be made whether to hold inquiry into use of Public Order Act
Matthew Weaver, Wed 10 May 2023 10.38 BST
The arrest of anti-monarchy protesters at King Charles’s coronation and intimidatory Home Office warnings to campaigners before the event are to be scrutinised by a committee of MPs.
In a statement, the home affairs select committee said it would examine the Metropolitan police’s handling of republican protests at an evidence session next Wednesday.
It will investigate the force’s approach to public demonstrations, the practical implementation of the public order bill and the arrest of republican protesters. A full list of witnesses will be announced in the coming days.
Dame Diana Johnson, the chair of the home affairs select committee, said there were “real questions” about how the new Public Order Act was used to hold leading members of Republic for up to 16 hours during the coronation.
Speaking to BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, Johnson said she would be interested in reviewing how broad the law was and “what guidance was given to frontline police officers and whether there is an issue about training”.
Johnson added: “So there are real questions about that and we think this morning we’ll need to look at that and decide whether we want to have that short inquiry to learn some lessons and see what the implementation of that act actually means in practice to frontline police officers.”
The force also released without charge three women’s safety volunteers who were arrested on suspicion of committing a public nuisance for carrying rape alarms at the coronation.
Johnson also wants answers about the treatment of these women. She said: “There’s also an issue about the women who were giving out the rape alarms as well and the how they ended up arrested. I don’t think it was under the Public Order Act 2023, but they were arrested as well.
full article here
so, while the home affairs select committee (its basically like a bunch of mps from different parties who examine what the home office is doing. that includes policies, laws, policing, etc.) are meeting to look at what happened, they havent opened an official inquiry, and we dont know if they will.
the last inquiry the hasc opened was on the 7th february this year relating to human trafficking. there is currently an inquiry open on policing priorities (opened 21 july 2022). this seems to have been triggered by the chief inspector of policing andy cooke (truly these titles are pretentious as fuck) who has repeatedly criticised police for not focussing on preventing or solving crime.
you might think that would be the first priority, but considering on the night of the coronation, they were arresting people essentially for thought crimes, youd be wrong. most forces (including the met) often just dont record crimes, and andy cooke is apparently an outlier in believing police should attend every burgulary.
there hasnt been a report published yet for this inquiry but they stopped accepting evidence last november though the evidence transcripts are available for the public to review.
i would like to note that although the hasc is cross-party, 6 out of the 11 members are tories. the rest are made up of 3 labour, 1 independent and 1 snp. as far as i can tell theres no representation for northern island in the committee.
percentage wise, that makes the committee roughly 54% tory, 27% labour, 9% independent and 9% snp. so while diana johnson is labour and from up north, dont get your hopes up regarding an inquiry. i dont know how the ins and outs of their committee, but tories make up the majority.
we do now have official confirmation that six of the protesters were held for 16 hours on suspicion of committing a crime.
im also glad that diana johnson has brought up how the uh taking away the human right to protest act public order act 2023 was implemented. i discussed with my mom how fucking stupid it was to implement a new law thatll affect an event happening the next day.
i am interested as to what she means by the night star volunteers not being arrested under the no seriously guys the right to protest is protected as a human rights act public order act 2023 because why the fuck else were they arrested then? its been reported as "a conspiracy to disrupt public peace", and they were counted within the 64 arrested.
also just gonna mention, diana johnson has said publicly that she wants to review how broad the this law literally suppresses a human right public order act 2023, and idk, it feels like maybe we should have established that before it was enacted ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
tl/dr: the home affairs select committee are examining whether they should open an inquiry into the police action during the coronation. unfortunately its majority tory so dont get your hopes up for an actual inquiry happening.
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with-love-from-hell · 2 years
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headcanons for an Mc with cptsd and the brothers accidentally trigger them? (Not during the actively violent parts in the Canon game....just little things that remind them of trauma.)
Ah yes! I can definitely do this! As someone with C-PTSD, It is something I see in fics a lot that I havent ever felt relatable to my own experience so I will try to reflect that in here for anyone else who's experienced the same thing in the fandom! (I've been thinking about making this into a series as well but its on the backburner for now until I finish the main two I'm working on)
The Brothers Accidentally trigger Mc's C-PTSD
Fandom: Obey me
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Headcanons
Written for GN!MC
CW: C-PTSD, panic attacks, Self-injurious behavior (e.g. hair-pulling, head-banging, scratching), implications of past abuse, somewhat suggestive on Asmo’s part, spoilers for lessons 16+
Lucifer
He, frankly, has no idea how we got here.
One minute they were fine, but the next Mc is shaking violently and sobbing.
When he tried to approach uou for comfort, you began screaming "No" at him and completely backed yourself as far away as possible
Lucifer is usually pretty insightful but it will take him a few minutes to figure out what it is he did wrong.
Eventually he will realize that it was the way he raised his voice at Mammon after he tried to swipe one of his priceless vases from the common room.
He will approach you slowly, soften his voice as best he can, and try to calm you down by getting you to take deep breaths.
He won't get too close at first for fear of having you bolt on him, but as you come down from the panic he will slowly inch closer.
Once you're lucid enough, he will apologize and ensure that aggression was not directed at you, and that he wasn't going to hurt you.
Lucifer will also offer you physical comfort if you want, holding his arms out for you.
He will completely abandon all of his tasks and take you to either his room or the study, and will spend the rest of whatever is left of the day listening to calming music with you.
He will make you whatever your calming drink of choice is (tea, coffee, hot coco, warm milk, etc) and ensure you're drinking enough water.
He will play games with you as a distraction. Chess, checkers, cribbage, mancala...(really whatever game you want to play)
He will also ensure you have some tactile comfort, whether that be a feather from his wings, one of the plushies he won you from the Carnival, or the gyroscope in his office.
If you want to talk about it, he will be there to lend an ear. Really he wants to learn more about you and other humans, so this will be something he is very intently listening too. He may ask some questions, but will only have you answer them if you feel comfortable doing so.
He will ask what your triggers are so he can avoid doing something to hurt you- even if they go against his usual nature.
Expect him to be very careful from now on, chosing his words carefully and watching his tone the next time he gets angry at one of his brothers and you're around.
Mammon
He really doesn't mean what he says when he insults you. He just is too embarrassed to admit how he feels.
But when he tells you your useless and stupid for the hundredth time, it finally makes you snap.
He stands there dumbfounded after you run away from him sobbing, not really knowing what to do.
After he snaps out of his daze, he immediately goes to find you. He had gotten into the habit of the insults, and you would never really give a response other than a wince and going quiet.
Well...now that he thinks about it, that's maybe a sign it has been grating on you.
He finds you in your room, sobbing relentlessly on the floor with your arms scratched up to hell and back.
At first he panics- seeing you hurt yourself terrified him. He rushes over to you and tears your nails away from your arms.
When you begin to beg him not to hurt you and profusely apologize for being "just a stupid fuck up", his heart breaks.
He would apologize relentlessly and admit to you everything- why he insults you all the time, how worried he was, how much he loves you.
He would do his best to calm you down (I say do his best because he may end up making it worse before he realizes what you need)
From here on out, he definitely would be more mindful of the insults, trying his best to be open with you about his feelings, or at least be more gentle with his teasing.
There may be times when he slips up, but he makes sure to atone as best his can
He would also be very sensitive to when others insult you, making sure to immediately come to your defense. He would also take you aside afterwards and remind you just how much you mean to him, how smart you are, how helpful you've been to everyone, etc...
Levi
In hindsight,  Levi should have seen this one coming...Of course he would fuck everything up
He wanted to be closer to you, but he remembered that being closer to someone entails you seeing his deeper flaws...and well...his impatience and easily triggered frustration are definitely some big ones.
But even so...your reaction to him throwing his controller and yelling when he dies the thousandth time on his new game seemed to be way over the top.
One minute you were sitting excitedly in the chair next to him, watching him game...and the next you were literally cowering in the furthest corner of his room and shielding your body from him as best you can.
He tries to approach you, but your screamed apologies for what you'd "done" to "make him angry" make him halt.
After a few moments of gears turning, it clicks to him that you've experienced something like this before...but directed at you.
Cue the festering guilt. He never meant to hurt you...damn these video games, you're more important to him than some stupid boss fight.
He will likely text one of his brothers (either Lucifer or Satan) and ask what to do, because he is terrified of hurting you more.
Once he has an idea of how to help though, he will be very calm and gentle, albeit nervous. He will likely offer you tactile comfort- like his Ruri-Chan pillow, or letting you pet his tail.
Once your comfortable enough, he'd hold your hand and make sure you know you've done nothing wrong, and that this is something he needs to fix himself.
And he will work on it, but it will take a bit of time. Old habits die hard for Levi, so he will have to be very intentional about his work on his irritability, and will probably opt for easier games when you're around to avoid outbursts.
Satan
This is the exact situation he'd feared would happen.
It really was an accident...and Satan knew that. But he just couldn’t help getting angry when you knocked over a stack of rare books... especially after one of the books ended up ruined by one of his absentmindedly placed candles. 
His room was always a mess, and even he knocked over the stacks of books littering the floor from time to time...and besides, he was the one who insisted you come to his room to read because he found the clutter in his room more comfortable, so he knew a lot of the blame fell on him. 
Regardless, he was so used to lashing out at others and blaming them for his upset, that his anger came out directed toward you. 
He impulsively snapped at you, scolding you intensely for being clumsy, careless, and unaware of your surroundings. 
He regretted the words the minute they fell from his mouth as your eyes grew misty with tears and your body began to tremble...He must have raised his voice louder than intended.
He tried to apologize immediately but you flinched when he approached. His heart ached when he say you jerk your body away from him so violently, as if you were afraid he would lay a hand on you. 
He stood, dumbfounded, as you ran from the room in a fit of uncontrolled sobs and shuttered breathing. 
He caught up to you quickly though, because- in your re-activated state- you became disoriented in the spiraling halls of the HOL. 
He found you on the floor in the music room, curled up against the Grand Piano as you rocked yourself back and forth and cried. 
He would hesitate to approach you, worried he may frighten you more...but after hearing your hyperventilating become worse, he sucks back his anxiety and approaches you cautiously.
He would sit next to you- as close as you’d allow him to get- and gently reassure that you were safe and that he wasn’t going to hurt you. 
He would try to help guide you through some circular breathing exercises, finding that doing it with you helped ease his worry as well. 
Once you were breathing evenly again, he would apologize about his reaction to the accident, taking the responsibility of ensuring his room is free of hazards that could get in anyone’s way regardless of if they were clumsy or not. 
If you weren’t able to talk, he would try to help you communicate how you could - squeezing his hand to yes/no questions, ASL if you know it, or in drawing/writing.
He would offer to go on a walk if you still found yourself activated, doing his best to help you back down mentally. If you didn’t want to leave the house, he’d have you help him make some tea and some baked goods to distract your thoughts.  
Satan would definitely opt to read in your room or the library with you more often than not because he cant trust himself to ensure his room is clean enough, and he tried his best to continue improving his anger-management techniques he learned from some self-help books. 
Asmo
Asmo is a bit confused as to what’s happening with you, and that fuels his own worry. 
Did he do or say something wrong? One minute he was kissing you on his bed, making slow efforts to explore your body...and the next you’re screaming for him to get off of you and to stop. 
Obviously he listens. He wouldn’t ever dream of hurting you. Just the thought of it tears him up inside. 
He tries his best to comfort you- trying to hold your hand, give you a hug, or give you sweet kisses to calm you down, but it ultimately makes things worse. 
It isn’t until you lock yourself in his bathroom that he starts to try to put the pieces together. Once he realizes you’re experiencing reactivation, he will feel terrible for not figuring that out sooner. 
He wont intrude into the bathroom, but will speak to you through the door. He will do his best to present himself in a non-threatening way, reassuring you that he isn’t going to hurt you like others had in the past and apologizing for not recognizing what you needed. 
After he hears your sobbing cease, he will announce he is entering the bathroom. Asmo will be very careful in opening the door slowly, announcing his every action before he does them. 
When he sees the fistfulls of hair stuck to your hands and scratches littering your face and neck, he will have to fight the urge to wrap you into a tight hug- reminding himself how that only worked to make the flashback more real. 
He will ask to touch you before he does. If you give him permission, he will gently stroke the areas where you had hurt yourself, muttering healing spells over them as he does.
If you try to talk to him, he hushes you. He doesn’t want to hear any apologies for the trauma response and he want’s you to rest yourself in every way. 
He will offer to draw you a bath if you’d like, not pushing you to even have him in the room while you relax in the warm water. 
If you want him there, of course he’d be there though. But if not, he won’t give any objection. Instead, he will gather as many soft things onto his bed as he can, and get anything you need to feel grounded. 
Soothing music or sounds? It’s queued up. Sensory toys? He’s already grabbed a bunch from your room. Calming oils/scents? He’s lit 40 candles already, don’t you worry. 
After you get out, he will help you into a nest of blankets and pillows and hold onto your hand while you relax, doing what he can to help. Anything you ask of him, he’s right there to grab it- and he is going to always be reassuring you that he’s not mad or upset with you. 
Beel
He didn’t really expect this to happen when he gathered you in his arms for a tight hug after having a long day at RAD. 
Perhaps it was the hazy gloom in his mind that made him forget to ask permission before touching you- like he usually does. He would ask to touch you out of courtesy before and wanting to respect your personal space, but now realizes he needs to do it every time because of this. 
The minute he wraps his arms around you from behind In the hallway, you yelp loudly and squirm out of his grasp. In the process, you manage to contort your body in such unnatural angles in a desperate attempt to get away from him...so much so that he’s worried you seriously injured yourself. 
But when he reaches out to your shoulder, you yelp once more and back yourself as far away from him as you can. 
Everything about you looked and felt panicked. The labored breathing, wide eyes, relentless tears, and shaking body. 
Beel felt his own nervousness rise at your response. He hadn’t intended to hurt you, and he was worried you thought maybe he was trying to. 
Against his better judgement, he reached out again to try to comfort you. This time though, you jolted backwards, slamming your head against the lockers behind you. 
Beel panicked, fighting the urge to cradle you in his arms while also trying to make sure you were okay. 
Before he could really make any concrete observations though, you began screaming at him to get away from you- catching the attention of other demons in the hall. Beel would also be panicking, desperately trying to look around for one of his brothers to help. 
Likely either Satan or Lucifer would be the ones to calm you down, getting you grounded back to reality by taking you into a less crowded play (Satan would likely bring you to the library, Lucifer would bring you to his office). 
Beel nervously looks on while they practice the grounding techniques with you, taking note of how to help you in the future. 
After you’ve calmed down, he would profusely apologize to you for not realizing he had hurt you and having no idea what to do. Even if you say you forgive him, he still feels very guilty. 
He would be open to talking about your triggers and identifying what helps when you are reactivated. He would also go out of his way to learn more and teach his other brothers should they accidentally trigger you as well. 
Belphie
Well, it is simply said that whoever your MC is with C-PTSD...seeing Belphie in general is probably a pretty huge trigger. 
For the sake of these headcanons though, lets just say that you were able to move past the whole “He killed you in a very gross way and then tried to act like nothing happened” bit that is canon in the game, but that sometimes him cuddling you too tightly triggered you pretty severely.
He would be uncertain how to respond when you suddenly seize up and go completely catatonic when he tries to cuddle up next to you in the attic when you both lay down for a nap. 
And Belphie would probably notice pretty quickly. He’s very observant, especially when it comes to you and Beel. 
He thinks at first he may have squeezed you a little too tight and you were just uncomfortable. He may crack a joke about you needing to relax because a firm pillow just isn’t comfortable, right? 
But he casts all jokes aside when your body begins shaking violently beneath him, and he sees your thousand-yard stare with tears cascading from your eyes like waterfalls. 
At this moment, he panics. He doesn’t know what’s happening, and he’s very scared. At first he may think you’re having a seizure. 
When he brings his hands to your face to try to hold your head still, he becomes even more concerned with the way it sounds like you can’t breathe. 
He would ultimately call on one of his brothers (likely Beel) to help. Once Beel is able to get you to calm down (thanks to what he’s learned from Satan and Lucifer), Belphie would be eerily quiet.
During Beel’s attempts to get you to relax, Belphie overheard him quietly murmur that Belphie wasn’t going to hurt you again, and that would ultimately shatter his heart. 
Sometimes he forgets just how much damage he’s done to your psyche, despite the fact that you had forgiven him. 
He would probably leave- at least for a bit- because he’s worried about re-triggering you. You would either have to seek him out again yourself or get Beel to bring him back to you. 
After a long talk with many apologies on his end, you’re able to make peace with it. Belphie understands he can’t undo what he’s done, but he wants to learn how to make things easier for you. 
He will do what he can to help you when you’re triggered, and get whoever you think is the most helpful at helping you down from reactivation- because he knows it wont be him. 
He would also make an intentional effort to be even more observant of your moods and physical movements for signs that you may already be in an elevated state that he may make worse. 
Overall, he just really doesn’t want you to associate him with the terrible things he’s done anymore...but he doesn’t blame you for it. 
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sarcastic-kai · 1 year
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Kakashi Hatake headcannons
I copy and pasted this from my wattpad lol since i havent written in a hot second and I feel bad about it :/
•What he's like in the mornings•
Kakashi isn't a morning person. He hates the feeling of being in a deep, peaceful sleep, then having that ruined by his alarm clock or the sharp, unforgiving rays of the sun.
That being said, he always tries his best to be pleasant for you in the mornings, and he usually doesn't have to try very hard because waking up next to you is always worth waking up.
˚˚˚˚˚
You run your fingers through your lover's hair, giggling as the motion only seems to make it more fluffy.
"Darling," you whisper. "It's time to wake up, my love."
A soft grunt leaves Kakashi's lips before he shifts defiantly and rolls to face away from you.
Rolling your eyes, you huff with irritation. Every single morning it seems to be the same routine. Kakashi ignores his alarm, you try to wake him up, he ignores you.
A small, mischievous grin snakes up your lips. Now it's time for your favorite part.
You sit up and shift to kneel beside your husband. Still grinning, you bite back your laughter as you snatch up your pillow, raise it above your head, and swing it down onto his with a loud, "HATAKE YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE!"
The pillow makes contact, followed by a muffled "oof!"
Kakashi sits up, glaring at you as you double over in a fit of snickers and giggles.
Grabbing the pillow, he throws it back at you, hitting you square in the face and sending you rolling off the bed in surprise.
You get up, scowling playfully at Kakashi as he smiles sheepishly at you.
"Oops. I guess I used too much strength."
≈≈≈≈≈
•His favorite date idea•
Kakashi isn't one for over-the-top, grandiose gestures of romance and love. He's more of a laid back, simple outing sort of guy. He's different from a lot of people. While some people are made of  bright bursts of violent vibrance, he is composed of gentle swirls of pastel tones. So while some people may set up an elaborate evening of fancy dining, extravagant entertainment, and romantic candlelit beach walks; Kakashi Hatake prefers to keep it relaxed and fun. His go-to date ideas are either a walk through the village, a stop at Ichiraku, and a movie at his place; or a lazy night in with take out, movies, and lots and lots of cuddles.
˚˚˚˚˚
"Y/n!"
You look up from your homework to see your best friend, f/n, standing in your doorway with their arms crossed and a start expression.
"What're you doing?" They ask, and you wonder why they sound so irritated.
You look at your textbook then back to them. "Uh... homework."
They roll their eyes and point to your phone next to you on the desk.
"Well, dummy, it's 8pm and you said you had an outing with Kakashi at 6:40."
"oh shit!" You jump up, knocking your chair back and snatching your phone off the desk. To your dismay, you scroll through your notifications to see multiple texts from your boyfriend, the last one dating to 20 minutes ago. you bite your lip, guilt and anxiety beginning to grow in your gut.
"Fuck," you mumble, running a hand through your hair. "he's been waiting for so long. Oh god, he probably hates me now."
"Actually, I don't."
You look up to see Kakashi standing behind your friend.
You expression drops, staring at him in shock and dismay. "oh my god..." you whisper.
Coming to your senses, you rush to him, nearly tackling him with a hug. "oh my god, Kakashi! I am so so so sor-"
Before you can finish, he plants a solid, loving kiss to your lips, cutting you off effectively.
Pulling away with a grin, he says, "don't worry about it. I cancelled the reservations because I remembered the big test you have coming up, so I let you study for a little longer. I ordered pizza to my place, and I am ready to walk you over there right now."
≈≈≈≈≈
•When you're sick•
Kakashi is a very gentle, concerned individual. After all he has been through, one of the hardest and more reoccurring lessons he has learned is to cherish those you love, and to take care of them. So when you're sick, he does just that. He spends extra time with you, gives you cuddles, brings you soup, the whole nine yards.
˚˚˚˚˚
"'Kashi..." your throat is horse and quiet, and you barely manage a whisper. But even that amount of effort sends your throat back into its painful, stinging blaze. You let out a whimper, but it quickly turns into a erratic fit of coughs.
The grey haired shinobi leans closer to you from his chair beside your bed, his brows furrowing with concern.
"Hey... y/n... is there anything I can get you? Maybe some cough drops or some tea?" He puts the back of his hand to your sweat-slicked forehead. "You're burning up. Your fever still hasn't gone down."
You try to say 'thank you captain obvious', but it comes out as a raspy, "thank... obvious", as your voice cuts in and out with the effort it takes to speak.
Kakashi seems to get the message though, and his signature mask crinkles in the way that you have learned to detect as his smiling underneath it.
"You're welcome y/n. I'll get you some tea to help your throat, okay?"
You close your eyes and nod, but just as he gets up to leave, you reach out and grasp his sleeve. He turns to look down at you, curious.
You smile up at him weakly. "Read... to me?'
Kakashi stiffens up, and you can see just a hint of a blush creep up his face and around the tops of his cheeks that arent covered by his mask.
"I- I really don't think you want that."
≈≈≈≈≈
•What he's like in bed•
Kakashi can be both a very gentle lover or a very rough one, depending on his (or your) mood. But either way, he is very considerate and very giving. He makes sure to make you feel loved and satiated, littering your body with kisses and showering you with praise.
He's open to a lot of things, and will try anything at least once if you ask him to.
He'll usually last about 1-3 rounds, depending on how wound up he is. He's very... needy after being on a long mission, but he always puts your wants before his own.
He's a king of aftercare. He'll draw you both a bath and massage you, peppering you with kisses and whispering sweet nothings into your shampoo sud-covered hair.
˚˚˚˚˚
You moan against your lovers neck, tightening your grip on his grey locks.
With every shift of his body and roll of his hips, he fills you up, stretching you around his member in the most delicious way imaginable. His thrusts are strong and consistent, hitting your sweet spot every time, driving you to the brink of insanity.
"oh god, 'Kashi," you whimper, moving one arm to wrap around his back and pull him impossibly closer to you. He grunts in response, his hot, labored breaths fanning across your neck and shoulder that he is nestled into.
Without warning he bites your collar, eliciting a sharp gasp and drawled out moan from you as you arch your back, pushing your breasts into his chest.
You can feel him smile against your skin, but you don't pay any attention to that, since all your focus is on your impending release. Kakashi's thrusts increase in speed, only serving to tighten the coil in your lower abdomen. Your entire body is tingling with arousal and lust, and with a few  more thrusts you come undone.
Your entire body tenses up and you cry out in pleasure as your eyes roll to the back of your head and your mind goes blank. Kakashi keeps going, only faltering from his rhythm for a couple thrusts before he finds it again.
You want to tell him to slow down, but nothing comes out of your thoroughly fucked self. Instead, your moans increase in pitch, drawling out into some sort of desperate whine. But if you are whining for more or less, Kakashi can't tell, and you truthfully don't care.
Once your orgasm has finished wrecking your body it winds down, but it is quickly flailed up again by Kakashi's own chase for release. Within seconds your extremely sensitized body is driven to another orgasm, and for a few seconds, you swear you lose consciousness.
Pleasure envelops your entire being, blinding you with its enticing white light. You writhe and scream with bliss, the erotic sensations are like you've ever felt before, they're breath taking.
Once You float down from your high, and your stomach is coated with Kakashi's release, your eyes reluctantly flutter open to gaze up at him.
His grey hair is messy and matted with sweat, falling unusually flat on his gorgeous face.
He grins down at you, before quickly leaning down and kissing you passionately. You smile into the kiss, returning it with a spent effort.
Kakashi pulls away, brushing his knuckles against your face in a loving gesture.
The way he gazes at you, as if you're the most beautiful and precious creature on earth, makes you blush furiously and you cover your face with your arms.
Kakashi chuckles, pulling out of you and running an arm along your side comfortingly.
"Come on, y/n. Let's go get cleaned up."
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Text
My Brothers, Corrupted
Book Five: Section Seven
Jackie and Marvin have a rough time of things. Henrik comes back towards the surface, at least for a minute. Masterlist
Tws for self-hatred, past abuse, suicidal and depressive ideation, and Marvin lashing out at the audience. Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.
Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book!
Anonymous asked:
Happy birthday Jackieboy! How goes the end of the ballet? Or are they not quite there yet?
He pants in the darkness of the alley, his hood over his head. He flexes his fingers. Stretches his neck. Spits.
“Yeah,” he says lowly. “Apparently that one doesn't turn out so well in the end."
At his feet, a trio of bodies. He turns and walks away, shaking blood off his hands.
Got to get the anger out somehow.
Anonymous asked:
Jackie what happened?? What did you do?
“What? They’re the ones who picked a fight.” He strikes the wall beside him, hard. “Drunk fucks.”
And if he went to a bad part of town in the hopes that somebody might provoke him, that’s nobody’s business.
Anonymous asked:
Aww Jackie. I'm sorry the play wasn't pleasant and upset you. But can I ask why you needed to beat up three people over it? Did something happen?
“They were hollering at some girl. I handled it for her. I did good. I stopped it. I did!”
He shoves his hands in his pockets and trudges home, kicking at rocks.
Anonymous asked:
There are healthier ways to punch things, JBM. Considered buying a punching bag or joining a gym? Martial arts lessons? Just anything but beating up strangers unless you suddenly like the idea of jail.
“Not the same rush,” mutters Jackie, eyes dark. “He spent so long teaching me to be his killer. Learned to like the adrenaline. The control. He would always be so proud of me… and I guess I’m just fucked up enough to enjoy the power of it.”
He stares down at the ground as he walks.
“Do you remember when we all went back in time, and Marvin told me what a hero I was? And how I was a good big brother and they all loved me? I want to be that person again. I’m trying to be Jackie. But there are parts of me that will always be Red, and I’m not sure I can handle that. There are parts of me that will always be scarred by him. No matter how much I heal.”
He kicks a stone. “I just want to go home. I shouldn’t have done that. I know. I was angry before. It made me feel better, that’s all.”
Anonymous asked:
Heroism is not random acts of vigilantism, Jackie. Heroism is self sacrifice for the good of others. You don't need to pick fights to be a hero again.
“I like picking fights, though,” he says. “I’m his little killer. It’s the only thing I’m good at. Fights and tech. I can’t even make Blue smile anymore.”
Anonymous asked:
Ah yes, "all you're good at" as though you haven't been brave and powerful and strong for months now purely for the sake of your brothers, as if you havent been sacrificing every part of yourself for the good of their health and safety. You're still more of a hero than you ever were a killer.
That makes him smile a little, playing with his hands.
“They deserve better. That’s all.”
Anonymous asked:
How'd the ballet go Jackie? Also, Blue is going to need your support and encouragement when you get home, he's not doing well, and you're the only person he seems to feel like he hasn't hurt.
“What? What’s wrong with him?”
He reaches the steps up to their apartment, gripping anxiously at the bars of the staircase. “Chase might be a better help to him than me.”
Anonymous asked:
Blue asked for you specifically! He seemed to want to be comforted by you before. Maybe spending some time together would be good for both of you.
“He wants me?”
Jackie steps quietly into the apartment, locking the door behind him. Their empty living space looks back at him, but at least he knows the fridge and cupboards are stocked now.
Blue’s door is slightly open. Jackie peers inside. His twin is hiding beneath the covers, quiet. There’s a couple little packages on the bed, wrapped up in newspaper.
Anonymous asked:
Ooohh packages? What's inside? And how are you doing Blue?
Jackie pulls apart the top package carefully, finding the Princess Bride wrapped up inside. He grins and looks up to find Blue looking back at him, eyes tired.
“Happy birthday,” Blue mumbles.
“Thanks,” says Jackie softly.
“You’re coming to bed?”
“How are you?” Jackie redirects, blinking at him.
Blue pulls his covers up to his chin. “Fine.”
“Oh, good,” says Jackie, sighing. “The cameras thought you were upset.”
“I’m just tired.”
“Then you should sleep.”
Blue gazes at him, mouth tight.
Anonymous asked:
The anger and guilt and self-hate are a part of the healing process, Marvin. Chase is right, it takes time. Time and therapy and building of a support system. You can't expect to magically be healed in only a short amount of time AND without talking to a professional or taking medicine to help with your moods. You can take action to heal quicker, but you're refusing it.
Blue slides back onto his side while Jackie looks through his presents - his new jackets and shoes and the book and some candy. He’s eating Hot Tamales by the time he looks up again, and it is then, in the lowlight of their only lamp in the house, that he sees Blue shaking with tears, silent against his pillows.
Jackie crawls over him on the bed, confused, and uses his sleeve to wipe at his reddened face. It’s not like Blue to cry. He gets mad. He does not cry. Jackie is often the same way.
“Not fine?” asks Jackie.
Blue moans and buries his face in his pillow. Jackie hovers over him, hand on his shoulder, brushing away his tears.
“You can… have anything you need,” offers Jackie anxiously. “Just tell me. I can try. I’m not good at any of it but I can try. I would bring you anything.”
“Nothing’s going to fix this.”
“Fix what?” asks Jackie, bewildered. “Why won’t you tell me?”
“I wish you could just - the way that Chase always knows exactly what Henrik needs. I wish you could do that.”
Jackie chews on his nails. “But I can’t do that.”
“I know, trust me…”
“So you have to tell me.”
“I don’t know.”
“This isn’t fair,” protests Jackie, squeezing his shoulder. “Tell me, tell. You’re a liar. You said you were fine.”
Anonymous asked:
Blue, you are YOU. You are not Anti nor just what he left behind. You're an individual and you belong to yourself. Your body is yours, and your mind is yours. I understand the self hatred, it's brought on by your immense trauma and guilt. Stop, slow your thoughts, identify your strengths, learn to accept compliments and good words from yourself and others, and develop some self compassion instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings.
“Compliments, I can do compliments,” says Jackie swiftly.
“Jackie - is there blood on you? Hey!”
“Don’t worry about it, don’t worry. I love you. You’re smart, did you know that?”
“You jackass, you did not get in another fight. Come on, we’re going to the bathroom to clean you up right now.”
Jackie lets Blue pull him by the arm towards the bathroom.
“You read so fast I bet you could learn anything if you just felt like it. You know like five languages. I love how you - how you hold yourself? Like you know you’re something just a little bit unnatural. Just a little dangerous. You should because when you use your power, you look like some kind of constellation come to life.”
“Jackie…” Blue blots blood from his face with a washcloth, pushing the soft hair from his face. “I don’t need compliments. I just want to take care of you, okay?”
“What do you think I’m trying to do?” shouts Jackie.
Blue slows, blinking at him. Jackie blinks back, their hands tentative in the air between them.
“You won’t let anyone do anything,” croaks Jackie. “Just angry and unhappy all the time.”
“Hypocrite,” whispers Blue.
Jackie just looks down, shaking his head. After a long moment, he slinks forward and places his head on Blue’s shoulder, hiding against his neck, and Blue is still.
“You are… you. My twin. I don’t care what name you go by. You don’t have to be anything else.”
The tears are back. Dripping down his cheeks.
“I want to be.”
“Then I want to help,” says Jackie. “As long as what you want to change is the parts of yourself that hurt you, and not the parts of yourself that just want the pain to stop.”
Anonymous asked:
Fine, okay, hate yourself forever if that's what you want. But Blue, goddamnit, you absolutely cannot treat your brothers like this. You cannot be cruel to them and take out your anger on them. You are hurting the people around you because of how much you hurt inside. Go to a therapist. Go to a psychiatrist. Get help, you have people willing to do it. Stop yourself in this tirade before you burry yourself in the dirt.
Jackie doesn’t know what to do with a crying Blue. He just… clings to him.
“I know how awful I’m being,” sobs Blue. “It keeps me awake. I feel like I can’t help it half the time. Something about them… not my Chase. It’s Dapper and Dok.”
“JJ and Schneep.”
“How am I supposed to see them that way when I saw them through Anti’s eyes?” Blue cries, clinging to his brother’s hoodie, to his hair, to his shoulders. “I beat Dok until he was screaming for me to stop, telling me he would do anything, I - ”
“You didn’t do that. That was Anti.”
“I held Dapper in my bed and forced him to lie down with me. I could have done worse. I could have done anything. That’s the worst fucking part. Anti could have done anything to him with my hands. He could have tortured him, could have made him kill, could have had sex with him, whatever he wanted. And I was in the same boat. He could have used my body for anything. And the two of us, we would lie there under Anti’s control, in that bed, for hours every night, neither of us moving, both of us trapped, helpless, helpless. Every time I look at him I’m - I’m - ”
He’s back in that bed again. Anti’s beneath his skin. Anti’s using him to beat Henrik, Anti’s using him to hypnotize Chase til he’s quiet again. Anti’s there. And Dapper’s looking back at him, just as trapped, just as despairing, and there is nothing he can do, nothing he can do, he has to do something, he has to do -
“Ow, ow, Blue!” cries Jackie, and when he comes back to awareness Blue has to tear roses out of his brother’s arms, gasping at the blood running down them.
“Oh, shit, I - Red, I didn’t mean to, I just - I’ll bandage it, I’m sorry!”
Anonymous asked:
You were violated, Blue. The others didn't deserve what happened to them, but you didn't deserve what happened to you either. You were stepped off your powers and your very autonomy, but even if it doesn't feel like it, you still have your worth. Not as a puppet but as a person and a brother and yourself.
“How do I come back from being used like that?” asks Blue. “Doesn’t it just fuck you up forever? He just… really took everything from me.”
“We’re here,” whispers Jackie.
“I look at all of you and see him. I look at myself and see him. Everything is drifting through his fog. I don’t even have the memories of a time where he wasn’t there.”
“You’re going to have to trust me on this one,” says Jackie, placing a hand on the back of his twin’s head and drawing him close. “You are a very distinct person from Anti. And I really think that we can… get better, in some ways.”
“You don’t sound all that sure.”
“I’m not,” admits Jackie weakly. “Because I think I’ve been feeling the same way. Like his killer. It helps me to talk about it because then at least I realize what it is I’m feeling.”
“I just feel bad about myself,” says Blue. “And… terrified every time I remember. Every time I look at JJ and Schneep, or something else reminds me. Then I lash out and I’m just playing his game again.”
Anonymous asked:
Start building something new, Blue. You can't heal if you keep insisting you're still Blue, but you don't have to be Marvin either. Be somebody new, make someone you can love. You don't have to hate yourself forever. Dye your hair, get a new piercing, or buy clothes that feel familiar. Be /you/. Not Blue, not Marvin. You don't have to just wallow in the hate. Change things about yourself that annoy you. Reinvent yourself, and stop pushing your family away.
“I’m sorry,” says Blue quietly. “There’s so little of me left I don’t know where to start building from. I don’t know what I want. Don’t trust myself to do anything to my own body. Like it’s not mine. I’d be scared to change it. I - ”
There’s a short sob somewhere down the hall.
Jackie stands straight up, his hand falling from Blue’s head in an instant. His eyes are wide and alert.
“Jackie - ”
“That was JJ,” he says. “That’s my little brother.”
And just like that - just one second later - he’s vanishing down the hall.
He’s gone.
Blue stands in the bathroom, mouth trembling. Jackie’s blood drizzles into the sink. Tears slip down his face, defeated and angry, and he hiccups on a sob of his own.
Anonymous asked:
Is JJ okay? And Jackie, get back to Blue as soon as you can, he's going through a lot right now, though I know all of you are and it must be hard to prioritize.
“Jamie, Jamie.” Jackie races towards him, pushing open his door. He knows what Blue says in situations like this. “Honey, love, here I am.”
His brother is gone from his room and Jackie’s heart panics for a second - he stole him away from me! - before he hears him crying from the closet. Jackie tears open the white door and kneels down beside him, gripping his shoulder. “Dapper, JJ, my little man. Look at me, pal.”
“Trapped, room, trapped, room, trapped, room,” JJ is signing, over and over again. “Trapped room trapped room trapped - ”
Jackie drags him right out of the closet, shoving the door to the room open and pulling him into the living space. He shoves open the door to their little cement balcony.
“No, no, I’m in trouble, I’m in trouble,” scream JJ’s hands, tearing at his hair.
“Not in trouble. You’re not in trouble. He’s not here. He won’t hurt you.”
“They locked my door in the psych ward, couldn’t get out, couldn’t get out! I’m trying to be good, I don’t want to go back, I’m in trouble!”
“No, Dap, no, you can stay, you’re not in trouble…”
Blue slides numbly from the bathroom, treading into the living room to listen to his twin’s loving voice soothing and reassuring JJ through his panic.
“I can’t sleep alone, I can feel him looking at me, and the bed is so cold, I haven’t slept alone in years!”
“I can stay with you if you want, just breathe, Jaimer, just breathe for me.”
Blue’s heart gives one sharp thud of pain. He clenches his fists and thorns and flame wreath his fingers, making them shake. His head swims. He hates this. Anger and guilt and despair.
Forget it.
“I’m right here, Jamie, my Jamie…”
Blue stalks back to his room and locks the door behind him.
Anonymous asked:
You aren't trapped JJ, it'll be okay. See, you can go out on the balcony! No one will take you away and no one will force you to be locked up anymore. Your big brother is letting you leave the room, letting you go out in the fresh air. You'll be okay. Never have to be trapped again.
“I couldn’t get out of my room at night at the hospital, and I was scared, I was scared, but I didn’t want - didn’t want to get stuck, had to be good to get out, had to - ”
“Breathe, Jaimer, slower for me, okay? Slower. They locked your door?”
“They can’t just let people wander at night…”
Jackie rocks them both back and forth on the floor, his brother pinned to his chest. “Why didn’t you tell me that was stressing you out?”
“I just wanted to be good so I could go home. Everybody was always watching me in that place. I’m just always a prisoner.”
“Ah, Dipper… fuck’s sake, I’m sorry this keeps happening. We just wanted you to be better, didn’t mean to reinforce anything he taught you. Were you just masking? Do you even feel better at all?”
“I do feel better, I do,” JJ answers him quickly. “But sometimes I think that coping with this - with all of this - the masking is the coping. If I can hide it I’m doing better. If I can tell that Anti’s not real when I see him across the room, if I can ignore him - that’s better than I was before.”
He’s wiping at his reddened face. Jackie rocks him slowly, watching him.
“But you still feel bad?”
JJ huffs out a sigh and places his head against Jackie’s shoulder, squeezing his knee for a second. “I just got scared, that’s all. There’s a part of me still so worried that Anti is here, in a way. That we’re going to fall back into old patterns. That you’d lock me up if I acted badly or that Blue is going to hurt me because I remind him of Anti.”
Jackie’s eyes darken. “Dude. He wouldn’t do that.”
“I can’t help my paranoia,” signs back Jamie, letting his eyes slide shut. “And I see it in his face: sometimes he does want to hurt me. To melt away the parts of me that remind him of Anti the same way he melted my knife.”
Jackie doesn’t know what to say. He rocks JJ until his brother’s breathing has slowed and his heart is jackrabbiting against the both of them, maybe ten minutes later.
“Let’s go back to bed,” he says softly.
“Don’t leave me,” pleads JJ. “When my bed is empty, he comes to fill the space beside me. His hands run over my stomach.”
“I won’t, Jaimer. I won’t.”
Anonymous asked:
Oh, Blue honey, don't feel too awfully dejected from Jackie running off... You know he's hypervigilant when it comes to the younger three, but I'm sure he'll come back to you. You deserve care and comfort just as much as they do, maybe even more right now. Believe yourself to be worthy of comfort, even though the self-hatred tells you otherwise. Jackie loves you just as much as the others, he just trusts you more to handle yourself alone. For better or worse, honestly.
Blue changes into PJs quietly, the energy gone out of him. For a few minutes, he hears Jackie pulling at the door and calling his name, confused, but he doesn’t answer, and eventually his twin slips away again.
Off to deal with his favorites.
Maybe it’s his fault. He knows how stubborn he’s been. He’s refused help for so long that the others don’t know how to give it to him anymore, or even to recognize that he needs it. He doesn’t like to be fussed over much anyway, and he sure as hell doesn’t want to be babied.
But it might be nice. Just for a minute. It might be nice to have Jackie call him little brother and cuddle up with him in their bed, just the two of them, instead of shying away from each other on either side of the mattress like they do most days. Like they don’t know what to do with each other anymore.
He wonders if Anti was what was holding the pair of them together - Anti and the need to protect their younger siblings. Red hated having a newcomer when they first met, after all. It wasn’t until Anti reset the both of them and shoved them into brotherhood that they decided they loved each other. Maybe they’re not even friends. Just survivors who were stranded on the same life boat, and now that they’re back on dry land, Jackie can go wherever he wants.
He lies in bed for a long time, but he can’t sleep. He’s slept all day. He trudges out into the hallway and peers into JJ’s room, just for a minute.
Jackie is curled around his younger brother, the pair of them asleep on the floor under blankets and each other’s arms. Jackie keeps Jameson safe.
Blue checks on Henrik and Chase.
“Dok?” he murmurs. “Why are you up?”
Henrik turns to him, blinking in the darkness.
“Do you need something?” he asks.
Henrik shakes his head. Chase is asleep in their nest, hand stretched out in the space where his twin should be.
Blue gives Henrik a kiss on the head. “Go to sleep, my darling.”
Henrik gazes up at him. For a second, his scarred hand rises to stroke across Blue’s cheek, cupping his face.
Blue thinks he would probably make everything right if he were here. Henrik would probably open his mouth and make everything in the world right.
He leads his little brother gently back to their nest and lies him down beside Chase, who readjusts instantly to hold him. They’re all magnets, clicking against each other, and Blue is just something plastic trying to fit in.
“Good night, sunshine.”
Henrik watches him leave their room, his blue eyes glittering in the moonlight. Blue closes the door behind him and goes back to bed.
.
Anonymous asked:
Blue you won't ever be anything but Antis if you keep insisting on not getting help. There's a reason you're not healing and don't feel okay, and it's because you won't talk to anyone, and you won't express how you feel, and you won't see professionals. You are sabotaging yourself. You need to see someone, get outside help. I know what it feels like to hate yourself, and taking it out on others around you is the worst thing you could do. Stop cutting people off with your hatred and guilt.
“I’m so glad you came,” Chase is telling him the next day, over and over. “I’m so glad you’re here. Thanks, I just - I’ve been worried. I love you, you know?”
He does know. He wants to be all fluffy and affectionate with him again, but he doesn’t have the energy. He doesn’t want to be here. But maybe everyone’s right.
He can’t handle this on his own.
“Mathew?” calls the receptionist.
“It’s Matti,” he says wearily, getting to his feet. “Chase, I’ll just be a few.”
“Take your time,” says Chase, squeezing his hand goodbye. “I’ll be right here when you’re done.”
Blue steps back into the doctor’s office and sits down in an examination room, slumping back against the wall and closing his eyes, worn.
Anonymous asked:
Tell the doctor about the unstable moods and anger you're dealing with, Blue. It might lead to you getting a psychiatrist and someone to talk to.
“So. What are we here to look at, Matti?”
Dr. Bowlan looks at him with this placid smile on his mouth, a clipboard resting on his knee. Blue sighs through his teeth, sick of this already. He knows, doesn’t he? He circled mood swings and irritability on his intake paperwork. He went through the questions the nurse asked him.
“Little interest or pleasure in doing things?”
“Every day.”
“Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless.”
“Most days.”
“Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much.”
“Most days.”
“Feeling tired or having little energy.”
“Every day.”
“Poor appetite or over-eating.”
“Most days.”
“Feeling bad about yourself or that you are a failure or have let your family down.”
“Every day.”
“Trouble concentrating on things?”
“Some days.”
“Moving or speaking slowly or being restless and fidgeting.”
“Not at all.”
“Thoughts that you would be better off dead or hurting yourself in some way.”
“… Every day.”
“In the past two weeks, have you done anything or planned to do anything with the intent of ending your life?”
“No.”
“You’re not feeling good?” murmurs Dr. Bowlan, bringing him back to the present.
Blue shakes his head. No. He’s not feeling good.
“I’m taking it out on the others,” he says thinly. “I’m angry at all of them. It has to stop. I can’t help them like this.”
Anonymous asked:
There's definitely some problems here, Blue's clues. Please let the doctor help you find a solution without much sass or fighting it! /lh
“I’ll be as sassy as I want,” Blue mutters. Dr. Bowlan has talked him through every aspect of his feelings that he’s willing to talk about - so a whole five minutes of discussion - and he’s ready to go.
“What’s that?”
“Nothing.”
“Matti, I think it might be a good idea to try some antidepressants and see how those go. I need to see you again next week and you need to take them every day. The truth is that medication really works best in conjunction with therapy. You could get into the same place as your brother if you would like…”
He listens to him drone on about therapy. He just wants to take the pills and go. Finally, he receives a prescription, and, with a mumbled thank you, he’s gone again. Chase beams at him from the waiting room, but Blue just sweeps past.
Anonymous asked:
I'm so proud of you for going to the doctor for help, Blue!
“Yeah, that’s a good first step,” agrees Chase warmly, hastening after his sibling, not sure why Blue is heading for the alley to the back of the building instead of walking back towards the bus stop so they can get him to work on time. “Blue, the bus stop is - ”
“I don’t need your fucking approval!” screams Blue, whirling on you, and it’s then that you see his eyes are blazing blue. “I don’t want to fucking talk about it! Just leave me the fuck alone, everyone, shut the fuck up, I don’t care!”
Chase leaps back, shocked, as the ground beneath his feet grows hot even through his new shoes. Fire crackles in Blue’s hands.
“Don’t send me another fucking question or another goddamn condescending congratulations or I’m going to - ”
He spins around again, seething through his teeth as his power makes his body shake. He needs to shut the fuck up before he says worse.
“Blue,” begins Chase, and Blue hears the shake in his voice. “You can’t be using magic in the city - there’s magicians, Jackie said - ”
“Just give me a minute!” he howls.
Chase cowers back against the wall and goes quiet.
Anonymous asked:
I'm so proud of you for going to the doctor's, Blue. Just remember that you need this help, and it'll be good for you in the long run. You'll make it through, even dealing with annoying doctor visits and your irritability. Be safe and let the doctors help as much as they can. - 🎒
His heartbeat seems to pulse up into his throat and his breaths come fast and shaky. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care. He hates this. All of it. Anger like a swelling of magma. Hot. It hurts his chest. He’s going to be sick. Grips his soft stomach and hates that too. Ugly and breaking down. He spits bile and weeds groan up from the cracks in the cement, twisted and back, dead by the time they’re grown.
He knows he’s scared Chase and he hates that too. His brother is hiding beside a garbage can, peering out at him like he used to peer out his broken window, on watch, hiding. Chase has learned how to live like a rat. Hates it, hates it. Flame up his back. He’s wreathed in his own fire. He glows with it - with the power, with the pain. Anger’s just hurt that doesn’t have anywhere else to go.
“We’re done talking about this,” he says through gritted teeth. “Talk to me again and I’m just going to ignore it. Just leave me alone.”
He draws himself up after long minutes. Chase curls in on himself against the trash cans, eyes big and wary. He reaches out to take Blue’s hand but won’t meet his gaze anymore. Head down, scared of him.
It’s his fault. His chest hurts from how hard his heart is beating.
Anonymous asked:
None of the congratulations were meant as condescending, Marvin. The audience is genuinely proud of you. Not everyone is out to annoy you, man. Chase, don't take anything he says personally, Blue is feeling extreme emotions and what's best right now, like with Jackie going to another room when he gets angry, is to just let him blow off the steam in a safe environment.
Chase glances up at Blue, who just ignores the message and keeps pulling him towards the bus. He wants to open his mouth to say something - I’m proud of you and I know they are too, is that so wrong? Why are you so angry all the time, why won’t you eat what I cook you, why don’t you come hang out with me and cuddle a little like we used to? I wish you would talk to me. Haven’t I been where you are? - but he isn’t going to push his buttons. He’s going to be good. He puts his head back down and keeps walking. Blue’s hand is hot in his own.
Anonymous asked:
Chase, were you scared of Blue just then? Maybe you should express that to him and clarify that you still love him despite it? I think he needs time alone once you get home, so on the bus or in this alley is your shot to talk with him about how he's making you feel.
“I’m sorry, I just lost control of the power, I would never let it hurt you,” Blue tells him in one breath, sitting down on the bus and then going silent again.
Chase chews on his mouth, staring at the silver floor of the bus. Yeah, he was scared. He closes his eyes tight. He knows that heat, Blue’s heat, Blue’s flame. It was somehow different from the hot California sun. He remembers feeling it crackle against his skin, making his hair stand up, making the forest floor stink of smoking plant matter and, when Blue got really angry, smoking flesh. He can see his brother plunging the knife into Anti’s chest. Anti is screaming. Blood and ink splurt across the dirt. He smells copper and flame.
He presses his face into Blue’s shoulder and just hides. He squeezes his palm. I love you. I love you.
Anonymous asked:
Chase, it'll be okay, don't worry horribly. You're already doing good thing with small reminders you love him and being patient with him. Your fear is understandable in the face of anger given who your abuser was, but you braved through it like you always do, fighter. Blue needs lots of help right now, the problem is getting him to tell you all what help he needs.
“Maybe you shouldn’t go to work today,” says Chase. If he won’t tell him what help he needs, he can at least try to look after him. Try not to worry. “We could go for a walk. Have a day off. I want to bake a cake or cookies or something, we could - ”
“I’m fine, amata,” says Blue lowly.
Long silence. The rushing by of the city.
“Would you even be taking the antidepressants if I wasn’t around?” Chase asks miserably.
The bus pulls to a stop outside the library. Blue gets to his feet, turning his back to him.
“If I didn’t have you, I wouldn’t have anything worth taking antidepressants for.”
Anonymous asked:
For Blue: It's okay to mourn the person you could have been. It's okay to be angry or resentful at that lost chance. It's okay to be sad about it too. But i, and your brothers, want you to know that there are so many parts of you, the you that exists right now, that are beautiful and lovely and meaningful. Just because your past is lost doesn't mean your future has to be too. You deserve to heal and work through this raging fire in you until it's protective, comforting fire again. We all believe in you.
He’s just… lost all control.
He’s lost control of himself, lost control of his relationships, lost control of his magic. It’s so much easier to lash out than to admit just how… lost he is.
He doesn’t want to talk about it. He really doesn’t.
Stepping into the library, he settles in behind the front desk, accepts a re-shelving assignment from his boss, and gets to work. At least this is something he can do right - book here, book here, mark the date. But it’s so meaningless. He doesn’t know how Jackie gets satisfaction out of just pushing buttons and monitoring the audio.
This isn’t what he was meant to do.
He can sense it, the same way he can sense that this person - this person he’s acting like, this person he’s become - it isn’t who he’s meant to be either.
He doesn’t know how to get that person back.
Maybe he could try changing his jewelry or his shoes or his hair. But it’s so scary to think that maybe, even if he tries everything he possibly can…
The person in the mirror will still not be him.
He re-shelves C.S. Lewis and wipes quietly at his eyes behind the bookshelves.
Chase is chatting to someone on the other side of the library, and it takes Blue a minute to realize that JJ has brought Henrik from home. That’s right, they were going to hang out here today. At least they’re close. His little brothers. He has to keep an eye on them. He has to make sure they’re okay. Even if he only seems to be able to be a jerk around them.
The sound of their voices is the only solace he has. He takes a shuddering breath and gets back to work.
He doesn’t know if he can heal from this. But if it would help them… well, he’ll try.
Anonymous asked:
Blue are there any mirrors in the library? There could be a mirror portal somewhere within that you just don't know the password for?
“I’ve thought about that,” Blue agrees. “I think it’s likely, even. There’s mirrors in the bathrooms and one upstairs in the kids’ section. But I have no idea how to open them even if I knew which one it was. It’s just this feeling that something is here. I wish I knew. I almost feel like I - like I should know.”
But it’s just one more patch of fog in his blank brain. He scowls and tries to stop thinking about it. He wishes he had any past at all to ground himself in.
This is when he notices a head pop over the bookcase he’s shelving.
“Are we talking about magic?” asks JJ cheerily. “I’ll help you look.”
Blue sighs, a little endeared despite himself. “I guess. But how are we going to find the password even if we know the mirror?”
“C'mon, we could at least check things out.”
It feels as hopeless as everything else. Blue mumbles excuses, putting books into their places.
scunneredzombie asked:
You should go with Jamie, have a look around with someone else who has magic understanding! It might be helpful if you teamed up with someone else, Blue.
Blue glances up at JJ, who smiles back at him. Fuck’s sake, he’s a forgiving little man. Blue hopes that’s who he is and not just an abuse response.
“Okay, babe, fine. Lead the way.”
“To the bathroom!”
“What, how are we going to check both?”
“You work here. Just say you’re cleaning it.”
“I’m not a janitor.”
“But I bet you know where the ‘closed for cleaning’ signs are.”
Little shit. Blue rolls his eyes and grins frailly back at him, getting to his feet.
“Come on, then.”
Anonymous asked:
Do either of you know any old Irish sayings/idioms/song verses/poetry? You can use those to take guesses at the mirror password if you think it'd work!
“I’m sure Blue knows plenty of nerdy old poetry,” says JJ.
Blue flicks his ear. “Too much to know what would work. And I think it might be a little suspicious if I just stood around chanting poetry and Irish sayings in the bathroom.”
“It’s not any of these anyway,” says JJ, pushing out the door. “Or the one upstairs. No portals.”
“How do you know?”
“I could feel it if it were.”
“I can’t tell any difference between any of them,” says Blue, frowning.
“With all love, Blue, I’m a little more powerful. But you’re probably just not sensing anything because there’s nothing there to sense. I’m not even sure it’s in this building. Just… near.”
Blue crosses his arms over his chest, annoyed. “I can tell it’s here, alright? I know it is.”
“I’m not doubting you,” says JJ. “I agree there’s something close.”
“Well, it’s not like there’s mirrors just standing in the middle of the field where they have the farmer’s market. It’s just grass and that fountain out there.”
JJ shrugs, moving to the window of the library. There’s the field with the fountain pouring down a straight sheet of water, the bus stop, and beyond it, more buildings and streets. It’s a pretty little library in the center of town, old enough to have stood for years and years.
scunneredzombie asked:
Can mirror dimensions be made by using the reflections in water? If the fountain has water come down in straight sheets or has anything particularly glimmery, that might be a place to check!
There’s a pause between the two of them.
And then they’re pushing each other out of the way to race back out the door, darting out to the fountain in the field.
“It’s big enough to walk through.”
“You can see your reflection in it no problem.”
“It goes all day and all night and over the winter I bet the pool at the bottom freezes over and sits.”
They exchange looks. JJ picks up Blue’s hand and sticks it into the stream, his own fingers wrapped around his wrist.
And Blue still doesn’t sense the stronger magic here, and he does not magically remember a password, and he certainly does not pass through the stream to another world, and yet -
There is a faint memory right here.
And he knows he’s stood in this exact spot, and made his way through the water.
“Yeah,” he says quietly. “Yeah, I think this is the place.”
At the top of the fountain, carved in stone, a lapwing bird.
Anonymous asked:
Welcome home again, Magnificent, you've found them!
“Sort of,” says Blue. “If I could actually get through it.”
“We could wait for someone to show up, maybe?”
“I guess I can keep an eye out from the library or something.”
Anonymous asked:
It's a long shot, but maybe try the "I love you, farewell" password that was used on the portal to your house back before Anti? I think it was something like "Te amo, valete". Just a thought!
The recognition of it draws a sudden and brilliant smile to Blue’s mouth and laughter comes bubbling out him, awed.
“Holy shit… that was our password.”
He glances at JJ, who smiles at him.
“We… we hid a mirror in the city, I think, and we… yeah, we had a password, I told Jackie he had to say he loved me before I’d let him leave… it was just a joke, but we say it damn near often enough anyway now, don’t we…”
“I miss that place,” signs JJ softly.
Fuck, but Blue would like to find it again. A home… a real home, just for them.
“Ammo,” he says. “Vale.”
He touches the water, but nothing changes. He blows out a breath. “Well, at least we know ours.”
Anonymous asked:
Are there any Irish poems about birds or lapwings you could try? Or maybe poems or quotes from books, since you're so near the library?
“That’s another next step, maybe,” agrees JJ. “There could be clues in the library. We could go back inside and look, if you’re not, like, remembering anything.”
Blue stares up at the fountain, wishing it could all come back to him. Not just magic but… everything. Like it would fill up some missing piece inside him. Lapwings… he doesn’t know anything about them except that they have to do with the magicians, and that he must have been attached enough to have one inked onto him. He thinks he knows some bird poems, though?
“Hope is the thing with feathers,” he offers softly, but nothing happens. But Dickinson wasn’t Irish anyhow. Maybe he could find some Irish poems or sayings or songs about birds.
scunneredzombie asked:
Yes, I knew it! You guys found it, good job! Now to go about finding the password... Any other memories surfacing, Blue?
“Yeah, that would be convenient,” sighs Blue. “A good old flashback and then we can hop right over to Hogwarts.”
He touches the water again, sighing at the coolness. “A password, huh? Wait, we had a mirror dimension for the five of us. How did you get in and out?”
“You made it work for me,” answers JJ gently. “Doesn’t have to be spoken aloud.”
“What did we do instead? A sign?”
“Yeah, a sign.”
“So it could be any words or any hand motion or anything,” grumbles Blue.
“Or even images. I’ve heard it can be images.”
“Great. Narrows it down.”
“Might be easier to meet some magicians.”
“Well, they won’t show themselves, will they? I’ve been using magic to make roses for weeks now. They don’t seem to have even noticed.”
“You could do something really grand.”
“Yeah, and then they could come try and take us away like you said those British magicians did.” He pulls away from the water, dejected. “They could be just as bad as the British ones. And they told you the Irish magicians had stopped answering them anyway, right? That they’re probably gone? That’s probably it.”
It’s bitter and painful in his chest and he doesn’t even know why.
“The Irish magicians are gone. Even if we could get through, there would be nothing to find.”
“You don’t know that.”
He gives JJ a dark look, feeling himself sinking back down into the mud he’s been stuck in.
“What, you’re hopeful now? Not drowning in your own despair anymore? Guess once the moment of need is over you’re finally ready to poke your head out of your shell and try things for once.”
JJ’s face flashes with anger, and he lifts his hands to shoot back a reply, and then -
Something scared in his face.
He wraps his arms around himself, his eyebrows furrowing with confusion, his mouth going taut, slightly open, slightly unsure -
“Honey,” says Blue, suddenly unnerved.
JJ stares at the world around him, eyes huge, blinking at the sun and the grass.
“Outside,” he signs weakly. “Outside, I’m not - I’m not allowed, I’m supposed to be - ”
Blue grabs his shoulders, trying to steady him. “Dap, stay with me. Hey. You’re fine. I’m sorry, I just…”
“I’m in trouble.” His air is coming faster now, his eyes fixed dangerously on the sun. Blue grabs his chin to pull his gaze away before he blinds himself. “My room. Hurts me, throws me down the stairs. Brat.”
JJ grabs his throat, coughing and pulling at his neck like there’s something wrapped around it, shaking his head.
“Shit, shit, shit.” Blue swears rapidly at himself and wraps an arm firmly around JJ’s shoulders, pulling him hurriedly back towards the library. “I’m sorry, I’m here. I didn’t need to say that, I just… I didn’t need to say that. Come on, we’re okay.”
Anonymous asked:
Jameson, are you okay?? What triggered you, love? You're not a brat, and you're free now, free to leave the room whenever you want. Anti is dead. You're not a prisoner anymore.
“Yeah, you’re good, you’re good,” murmurs Blue, tugging him into the doors of the library and pulling him behind the desk, just grateful that his coworker is upstairs. For all that he gets after him, he knows exactly what JJ wants to do right now - squeeze into a tight space and hide. Which is exactly what he does, hunkering down beneath the computer desk and curling up like a hedgehog, panting.
“Blue? What’s going on?”
“Chase, he just - we went outside and I kind of said something that maybe - but I think it was mostly just being outside, you know, just the sun and everything, I just gave him a little sass for not helping with Anti and - he just - ”
Horrified, Chase races around the desk and falls to his knees beside his brother. “JJ. You’re okay! Fuck, Blue, you two were outside for ten minutes and this - ”
“It wasn’t my fault!”
“What did you say?”
“Just that he didn’t used to try and do stuff, you know, that he would just sit in his room all hopeless.”
“You’re unbelievable,” snaps Chase. He leans closer to wrap himself around JJ, hugging him close.
Blue rears back, pierced. What, Chase is mad? Chase is never mad. Defensive, sure, or scared, or tired, yes, but not mad. That isn’t something that happens.
“Amata, he has a million and one triggers. I was a little short with him, but he just has trouble being outside. You’re just going to pick him over - ”
“Just get out of here, Blue! JJ, can you talk to me? What was it, Jay, what was it? I swear, you and Jackie act like you’re the only ones who are big brothers sometimes! Well, I got people I’m supposed to protect too. And you’re being an ass.”
Blue stares at him, mouth open. Chase doesn’t talk to him like this.
“I’m taking him and Henrik away the second he’s calm,” says Chase, ignoring his gaze, his mouth set stubbornly even though his voice shakes and stammers more than usual, his eyes pricked with tears. “I love you so much but you just keep - you just keep - ugh! If you’re going to treat us this way then maybe you should just leave us alone!”
Blue…
Blue can’t even answer.
He turns away, then turns back. Turns away, turns back.
“You guys were going to hang out here with me today,” he offers lamely.
Where he can hear them. Where he can watch over them.
“We’re going away,” repeats Chase quietly.
He closes his eyes and wraps himself tighter around Jameson, their heads pressed together.
Anonymous asked:
Blue I know you don't want any positive praise or encouragement thrown your way. Maybe you only know the reason but maybe you've just wrapped yourself in cynicism so tightly that you have to push everything out to an arms distance, so you either sit and stew in your own negative emotions, or when you do open up, all that bitterness seeps out and you've proven your cynicism right when things boil over. The world is screwed up, and it's hard to admit that you're screwed up too. It's even harder when you feel like you're asking the same screwed up world for help of all things, but your pride and your cynicism aren't the same thing. You need your pride restored, you need your cynical self dialed back. I hope therapy helps you. I hope the antidepressants don't cause you any grief. I hope YOU believe you can dare to hope again.
Our well-wishes may seem sappy and overly sentimental, but they come from a place of sincerity. The fact is, we don't know how else to help you. We're lost. You're lost. We're all getting redirected in circles but you're going to find a path for yourself. And we'll still be along with you the whole way through.
Blue sits down numbly in one of the big green reading chairs by the window upstairs.
He reads from the corner of his eyes, trying to ignore you, his tongue wetting his mouth. He pulls on his hair and hunches over himself, feeling sick to his stomach again. All the time. It’s his anxiety. Hurts his tummy.
Now he’s made Chase mad.
Chase - Chase wrapped around JJ - picking JJ - wrapped around JJ’s little finger just like Anti was - lying in bed and the two of them are looking at each other, helpless - he feels his arms wrap around JJ and he knows from the way he squirms that he does not like it, but all Anti does is laugh, and Blue can’t do anything about it, can’t make it stop -
He shudders. Cynicism. That’s what it is. He’s lost some ability he used to have. He doesn’t know how to get it back. All that’s left are scars.
A hand on his own pulls him back from his head again. Blue looks up quickly. Maybe Chase came to find him and apologize. To be his cozy little amata again.
But it’s not Chase.
“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” rasps Blue, swallowing as he tries to put his front of calm back up. “You okay?”
Henrik gazes at him, head tilting slightly. He reaches up and cups Blue’s face. Blue laughs weakly and reaches down to hold the back of his head in return, stroking his fingers through his hair.
“What, are you worried?”
Henrik blinks at him, fingers playing against Blue’s palm.
“Can I have a kiss, then, if you’re worried?” asks Blue boldly, pinching his ear.
Henrik’s mouth thins, his eyes soft.
And then he lifts up and gives Blue a kiss on the side of his temple, scratching his beard for a second. He gets up and turns, and before Blue can say anything, Chase is appearing on the top of the stairs, pale but calm again.
“We’re going to go now,” he says quietly. “JJ just blanked out for a second. He’s fine.”
Blue looks away, sulking. Whatever. Of course he’s fine. What a baby. And now Chase is all on his side. Right away even. Fine, whatever.
“Your shift’s done at six?”
“Yes,” he says shortly.
Chase nods, shifting on his feet, and reaches out for Henrik, who turns to go with him.
“Take the camera with you,” says Blue, pushing your camcorder towards him. “I don’t fucking need it.”
Chase stares at him for a second, mouth pursed. Then he takes the camcorder. He’s pretty sure Jackie hid an emergency GoPro in Blue’s book bag anyway, but it hardly matters.
“Bye,” he says. “Love you.”
Blue glares out the window, simmering. Chase sees leaves budding from inside his clutched fists.
Chase turns unhappily to walk away.
“Love you too,” you hear Blue whisper, and then he’s out of your sight and your hearing.
Stewing in his own negativity, closed off and alone.
Anonymous asked:
Blue, escaping the life with Anti was never going to be a clean ending. I wish you guys could have had a clean slate to build your new lives off of, or at least revert to how things were before, but the fact is, life's not like that. It doesn't matter that you don't want to hear that change takes time, or that you need professional help, or that you can't take care of your family while neglecting yourself: all those things are true.
You can either dig your heels into the ground and insist on drowning in your own self-hatred, or you can admit that you're scared, and accept some help to leave some of that behind you, even if it's just a little. You don't have to pretend to be Marvin, you don't have to continue as Blue. But you need to let go of some of the stubbornness of each identity to move on and become whoever you feel that you are or who you can be.
Whatever the case, we can't force your decision but at least THINK on what we're saying before blindly rejecting it. We care about you, even if you sometimes don't.
It was never going to be clean.
Chase cries in the pews of the Jewish building - he doesn’t know if it’s a synagogue or a temple or just a communal place - where he’s wanted to take Henrik for weeks now. He didn’t plan to be crying when he imagined it, of course. But it was never going to be clean.
It was always going to be Jackie’s screaming in the middle of the night and an ugly burn on Chase’s hand. It was always going to be JJ talking to a monster who is no longer there and a blank stare in Henrik’s face. It was always going to be Blue’s fury and a bottle of antidepressants.
“I wish he had taken Dok and run like he said he would,” he sobs into JJ’s shirt. “That first night he tried to run. In Norway. We were in Norway? I just remember him trying to take Dok and go. I wish he had escaped that night. Then the two of them would still be okay. Not like this. Not like this, this isn’t right, it’s not how it’s supposed to be. At least they could have gotten away. But he stayed for us, I remember, I remember that much. The beach… we were on the beach… I don’t know how long ago. Just not like this.”
He’s the only sound in the whole of the little building. It’s not the most impressive religious building Chase has ever seen. There’s an open area with some fold-up metal chairs and plastic tables and a rickety old piano, and then a partition before the area with the pews and the set-up in the front. The sign on the door says the building is open to visitors but warns that there are always cameras watching, and services are Saturday at six with a community dinner afterwards, thank you very much. It smells like styrofoam and Pinesol. JJ holds Chase in the pews, hugging him wearily. Henrik stands in the corner of the building, tracing his fingers over a glass box holding a huge scroll inside.
“Blue just needs some time,” offers JJ, trying to pull away enough to sign clearly, though Chase refuses to let him go. “Henrik too.”
“He’s so unhappy,” cries Chase. “I hate it, I hate this.”
It was never going to be clean. It was always going to be ugly as fuck and messy and miserable.
Fuck, even if they were still with Anti, things would be even worse.
“He was going to cut my voicebox out,” weeps Chase, stammering so hard he’s not sure JJ can understand him. “Didn’t he say that? He kept touching my throat. Said I didn’t need it cause we can all sign. I didn’t need to talk to anybody but you and him. We were going to be pets. He would have killed the others. It took me too long. It took me so long. If I had fought sooner, they wouldn’t be like this. Still messed up, yeah, but not this much. Not this bad. I should have fought for all of you sooner.”
He lets it come pouring out. The ugliness. If Blue won’t express it, he will.
It was never, never, never going to be anything other than this. Because “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is bullshit and all Anti did was hurt them. Now they have to come clawing their way back out of the traps he laid in their heads. Maybe they’ll be a little stronger, in some ways, but they’ll also be scarred up and vigilant. It’s traumatic in the same way grief is - it never really stops hurting. You just learn to deal with it better. Every day, if you can, you learn to deal with it better. But some days you just go falling back into the abyss, and you have to start climbing again.
He kisses JJ’s head fervently, one time, two times, again, because he needs to, because he loves him, because he’s sorry. JJ lets him. He smooths tears from his face and just holds him, for a long time.
Someone’s playing Clair de Lune in the other room. Chase covers his mouth, realizing he’s been too loud. Maybe they won’t judge. Not in a place like this.
Long, deep breaths. Long, deep gasps for air. He starts to calm down again. Jamie smells different than he used to. Different than Dapper, who usually smelled like chalk and old mattresses and copper. JJ smells like green apple detergent and coconut shampoo.
“Sorry,” mumbles Chase, realizing he’s gotten snot all over his new shirt, and JJ just shakes his head and presses their cheeks together, rubbing on him like a cat for a second.
“Do you think he’s thinking about it?” asks Chase, sniffling. “About whether he’s going to get some help or not? About if he’s going to be able to get past this?”
JJ nods. Chase nods back, headachey from his crying, and squeezes JJ’s ribs.
“Don’t know how to make it better,” he confesses weakly.
JJ draws away to sign, wiping more of his brother’s tears away as he goes. “It’s not your job to make it better,” he says. “If there’s anything you can do for him, he needs to let you know. But it’s not your job to keep anyone happy. Not anymore. Just you. Just work on making you happy.”
“But I want you all to be happy.”
Jameson grins and draws him back into a hug.
“Together. We’ll work on it together. It won’t be pretty… won’t be clean. But we keep working on it.”
Anonymous asked:
It's not your fault Chase. Don't put the weight of it all on your own shoulders, you'll tear yourself apart. You need to be focused on your own and Henrik's healing most of all right now. Blue is going through a lot, but it's completely reasonable to want to have space from him with how cruel and snappy he's being lately. It's not your job to fix everything. There are a lot of things for all of you to deal with individually, and you mustn't let one of you take on all the responsibility.
“You got too used to it,” signs JJ.
“To what?”
“Trying to make him happy.” JJ looks down at his hands. “Once he got sick of me. You would try to cheer him up or distract him so he wouldn’t come after the rest of us.”
“Did I?” He wipes at his face. “I don’t remember.”
“You were always trying to keep us all safe.” JJ leans against him, looking up at the ark. “We all tried to look out for each other when we could. But now… well, nobody’s being tortured, Chase. Nobody’s dying. We can prioritize ourselves instead of spending all our time worried about one of us being in literal imminent danger.”
“What if he is in danger?” asks Chase miserably. “With himself.”
“Then he needs to start expressing that so we can help,” JJ answers. “In the meantime, we have to look after ourselves, and if we get extra time or energy we’ll try to help each other. And all of us can help look after Henrik until he’s a little more… conscious.”
“He’s my responsibility,” protests Chase.
“We can all help, Chase. Even with him, you can take a break if you need one. We can all look after him. Which, uh, does beg the question… where did he go?”
Chase turns around. His brother is no longer standing by the Torah.
“Shit!”
Anonymous asked:
Uh oh, Doktor on the run! Maybe he went to where the music was coming from?
Chase scrambles to his feet and hurries back to the community area of the building, almost tripping over his feet as he goes. Shit, then he’s probably encountered the person playing the piano, and they’ve probably tried to engage with him, and he’s probably just stared at them, and then they could be mean to him, or think he’s an intruder, or yell at him, or -
But there’s just one person in the room.
Chase stills in the doorway of the partition, staring.
Henrik plays Clair de Lune perfectly, relaxed on the stool of the piano, his fingers drifting easily across the keys.
Anonymous asked:
Woah, Henrik knows piano? Even after so long without playing he can do it perfectly, that's amazing.
“Yeah,” says Chase frailly. “He, uh. He’s a genius. Always was. Even Anti would say that. But I didn’t know he played. I guess I forgot.”
Soft laughter from the piano. Henrik’s laughter.
Chase is frozen, staring at him. Henrik glances back at him and Jameson. His mouth smiles. His eyes are clear.
“Come here,” he signs with a free hand, beckoning. “Come over here.”
Anonymous asked:
Wh- Is Henrik back??! ;0;
Chase steps up to him, letting his hand come down on his shoulder, grounding himself there at his brother’s back. Henrik plays with one hand and reaches up to pull him to sit beside him with the other. He takes Chase’s hands and positions them on the piano.
“Do you remember the scales we were working on?” he asks.
He says it like it’s so normal that it makes Chase jolt on the stool. His voice… his voice like nothing has changed.
“Dok,” he whispers.
“Show me, then, come,” says Henrik, tapping his fingers on top of Chase’s.
“No, I… I don’t remember. Did we used to play?”
“You do not practice while I am at work! You will never learn.”
He’s teasing him. He’s playful.
“Dok, look at me,” begs Chase, pulling his gaze.
And he does. He just - he does. He looks at him.
“What?” asks Henrik, and then, when Chase does not answer: “Something is the matter?”
“Dok, do you know what’s going on? Do you know where we are?”
“Yes?” Henrik’s staring at him like he’s the crazy one. “Yes, home, in the living room. Are you alright? You have not been drinking?”
The warm sun is coming through the window of their house - Henrik can feel it on his face. It’s fall and the leaves of the trees are orange in the forest outside. Queenie leaps up onto the back of the piano and mewls at him.
“Bad girl, get down,” he scolds. “Jamie, are you making coffee? Will you get me a cup?”
Jameson comes up behind him and gives him a hug around his shoulders. Unexpected, but he does not mind. He is new to their family but he already fits right in.
He’s safe and things are good. He breathes out a low, satisfied hum. All is well in the world.
Anonymous asked:
Oh, uh.... Chase, JJ, do you guys know whether you should go along with him or try to bring him to the present time? He seems alright at least
“This could be him waking up,” says Chase, reaching out to cup Henrik’s face. “Dok, Henrik, it’s me, it’s Trick. Chase. We’re in Ireland. We got away from Anti, we’re safe! You can come back to me.”
“Chase,” JJ interrupts. “He’s not in any distress. Why don’t we just take it easy and see if he’ll come back to himself gently? This means he feels safe. It’s a good first step.”
“I want to talk to him.” Chase squeezes Henrik’s hand, pulling him away from the piano. “Deutsch, it’s me. He’s gone.”
“What is happening?” asks Henrik, eyes darkening. “Why are you talking like this? What’s wrong?”
scunneredzombie asked:
Chase, remember after his shutdowns sometimes Henrik would think he was existing back before Anti or he would forget where he was/who he was? This might be a more extreme version of that. Let him come around slowly.
Chase glances at the camera, his mouth tightening, but he gives a small nod, blinking. He looks back at Henrik and Henrik stares at him, obviously confused. Henrik glances around the room, seeming to take in the brick walls and the camera in Chase’s bag for the first time, and Chase sees his eyes start to glaze -
“Schneep,” he says quickly, taking his hand. “Show me how to do the scales again. I’m paying attention now.”
Henrik looks at the piano and settles down again, shooting Chase a look. “You never learn,” he teases. “Okay, set your fingers here…”
Chase lets his brother arrange his fingers. He wishes Henrik were all the way here, yes. But he thinks you’re probably right, and he just needs to be patient, and be glad to have this part of him.
Talking! He’s talking! His heart lifts and he smiles as Henrik starts showing him how to play the scale, chattering at him while Jameson stands beside them, watching along.
“How often do you play, Henrik?”
“You know I’m out here often,” he murmurs back, his free hand beginning a melody on the right side of the piano. “Even at night, after a long shift. But I try to be quiet then. Of course sometimes my more nocturnal brothers join me.”
He clucks JJ’s chin, pinching his beard.
“Are you happy?” asks Chase wistfully.
Henrik grins at him oddly. “What’s gotten into you? Things are good, my friend. What is happiness if not peace and a place in the world where you are loved.”
Beethoven down the keys of the piano, easy and affectionate.
Anonymous asked:
Henrik, how often do you play? Do you know Hava Nagila??
“Oh, boy, how Jewish am I?” snickers Henrik. “Hava Nagila, hava…”
He plays the first few lines and breaks down laughing, shaking his head. “What, I’m Jewish so I know Hava Nagila? Okay, yes, fine, I do. But I know everything. Because I’m smarter than everyone. Checkmate.”
Anonymous asked:
Hava Nagila is just my favourtie old tune haha! Of course you knew it though, no one is smarter then Henrik von Schneeplestein
“Yes, that’s true. You are not only correct but you also have good taste in music.”
Anonymous asked:
Is Henrik... back? Has he woken up? It seems at least part of him has!
Watching Henrik switch through a variety of songs - mostly at JJ’s request, Chase feels a little bit better. Here’s a part of him. Here’s… him, just a little lost. And aren’t they all?
Chase has been thinking more about Dok than Henrik for a long time now. But Henrik isn’t so different than his Dok that it makes any difference, it seems. Henrik is just a more egotistical, less scared, happier Dok. Chase snickers as Henrik melds two songs together within five seconds of JJ’s request and then congratulates his own intelligence. Isn’t this what he’s supposed to be like? Isn’t this what safety looks like on him?
He doesn’t mind. If Henrik is a little confused, he doesn’t mind.
It’s still him.
Anonymous asked:
Anti always said that you were just a more anxious Chase and he was just a quieter Henrik... Maybe you guys didn't change so much after all, hm.
Chase tentatively plays along as Henrik shows him Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. “Maybe we didn’t. Are we good friends, Henrik?”
“Course we are. Who else help you look after the children and pick you up from the party when you are dumb enough to go somewhere there is probably beer? And then you must cook me cheesecake as payment, is only fair.”
“Ah, is that what you like?”
“It’s what I demand.”
Chase laughs. He wonders how Blue and Red and Dapper can seem so different to who they used to be while Henrik doesn’t feel so different from Dok at all. Maybe they just… had each other to hold onto for longer. Someone who always knew that secret name - that secret person they used to be. They never had to be alone.
Chase and Henrik play a timid lullaby, laughing over the keys of the piano.
Anonymous asked:
Do you have any memories of where you are, Schneep..? Would you still feel okay if we told you you're not at home?
“Of where I am?”
Queenie meows at him from the couch. He glances over, but she isn’t there. The house is cool for a moment, and then growing warmer.
Henrik blinks. Looks around.
Something not quite right.
A smell of smoke in the air.
Where’s your hero now? Where’s Jack to save you and your little time traveler now? I’ll burn everything you love to the fucking ground. Just try to run, I’ll find you anywhere. I’ll stalk you til you collapse at my feet.
Henrik stares. A fire has caught along the edges of the door of their home. Outside, the trees are burning.
Chase grabs his shoulders, speaking to him, though Henrik cannot make out the words. He lays his head down on Chase’s shoulder almost on instinct, staring as everything around him begins to change. He hears the cat scream. His head hurts.
“Oh,” he murmurs, as Chase’s hand rises to touch his cheek. “Oh, who did this to you? Why did you not call me?”
He examines Chase’s hand. There is a marred, puckered section of skin, burned badly, maybe down to the bone. Henrik feels sorrow and then fear. He can hear Chase crying. He closes his eyes. He needs to hide. He needs to - needs to go away, needs to - survive this somehow, survive this somehow…
“Oh, I am going to have so much fun with you,” a dark voice growls. “We’re done. You’re useless to me. And that means I’m finally going to slaughter one of you little fucking bastards like I should have done a long time ago.”
“Anti - Anti, n-no more, no more… I want my brothers, I want…”
“No cameras, Dok, no siblings, and no more fucking pretending. I’ll show you just how much of a monster I really am. Just you, me, and a length of barbed wire. I’ve heard that Jews believe you die twice - once when your body gives out and one when everyone forgets you. I’ll be the one who kills you both times, Henrik.”
A line of wire clatters across the floor.
“That’s a promise.”
scunneredzombie asked:
Henrik, stay calm. Anti is dead. Anti is dead and you're free. You have a home with all of your brothers again, an apartment where you all live safely. You have Noodle and Chase and all your siblings who love you and regret not being there to protect you. You are safe and loved still, even if you aren't in the mirror portal you remember.
Henrik doesn’t shake or cry out as his memories swallow him up.
“Dok,” calls Chase, holding his shoulders tight. “Look at me, stay with me. You’re okay. I promise. We been looking after you. It’s okay now. It’s okay.”
His head just sinks down until his chin hits his chest, his eyes sliding shut and his posture curling, like he can hide himself from everything in the world. Chase tries to be gentle with him, tries to ground him at the same time. Soft hands on him. Murmuring to him. Trying not to let him know he’s scared.
After a while, Henrik’s breathing steadies out again. Chase soothes his finger across his chin, trying to draw his gaze, and Schneep looks up at him with big, sorrowful eyes.
Chase sighs and lays his head down on his twin’s shoulder. JJ pecks at the keys of the piano, and after another minute, Henrik takes an interest. He puts a hand out and plays a shy scale, sniffling a little and sitting up, calm again, but silent.
Anonymous asked:
"And just as there is wonder in / every new life created / there is sadness and regret / for the unsaid and unfeted / Just listen for the music / that your ears cannot hear / just strain yourself for the melody / that's so far and yet so near"
Henrik goes back to Clair de Lune, slower now, sweeter.
JJ and Chase sit in silence beside him. When he’s finished, Chase rubs his back until he glances over at him.
“That’s okay, man,” says Chase quietly. “You can just hide a while longer if you need to.”
Henrik gazes at him.
“Ready to go?” Chase asks his brothers, trying not to be sad.
JJ nods. “Maybe if he wakes up in the apartment, he’ll feel safer there. With the cat and your bed and everything.”
“And I can bring him back for services sometime.”
“Yeah.”
“It’ll be okay?”
“Yeah. It’ll all be okay.”
“Okay. Come on.”
immabethehero asked:
You did it! You’re out the woods, I’m so proud of you guys! You deserve to relax and enjoy your peaceful lives.
JJ laughs quietly, watching Chase talk to Henrik quietly on the bus, the pair of them pressed close together.
“Out of the woods… well, the trees get thinner every day, at least. Yes. Let’s go home and relax a little.”
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milfygerard · 14 hours
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hi hi hi i’m sorry about the everything in life for a distraction i would love to hear your detailed thoughts on your favorite mcr albums or taylor albums or a detailed ranking of either i just love Music Opinions and also i hope things get better soon<3
thank you sm for sending in <3
im terrible at ranking so ill turn to opinions hmmmm
My favorite mcr album changed by day hour minute but i think i wanna talk about.....bullets....yeah bc bullets is so insane as just a sheer proof of concept, like an expression of raw skill and talent that was growing within this band. Rays guitar work alone was enough for it to make complete sense for major labels to be knocking at the bands door begging to suck them off and then they also had GERARD!!! And this was even before mikey really could write bass parts and frank was still not really in the band like its just ray gerard and geoff (and otter who wrote drum parts that r cool but also somehow out of his skill range? girl you MADE THEM). The fact that vampires not onky exists but was like the second or third song written? Like before mcr gerard either never wrote music or wrote shitty three chord throwaway punk that existed as an excuse to print band stickers and arent even good enough to save on tape and then you decide to start writing for real to cope with major national level trauma and your first song is SKYLINES??? and youre next songs are VAMPIRES and OUR LADY OF SORROWS???? and oh my god the vocals gerard gives on the albuk as a completely untrained vocalist who did one musical once in middle school and otherwise never sang professionally unless you count crazy kids song in breakfast monkey. and then you hear the vocals on fucking vampires???? Like gerard doesnt exactly sing like celine dion on bullets but the raw harmony work and ability to PERFORM and really stretch the emotions of a song and do whatever strange or vulnerable thing is needed to sell the track. Theres still few songs more affecting than early sunsets. Like i fully think gerard is probably the strongest vocalist in the emo scene just because of their ability to completely and utterly sell you on the songs emotions (not just anyone can sing im not okay and get away with it) and thats before all the developing technical talents both already present like how gerard can just toss a melody onto a track without thinking about it or the fact gerard did a lot of the base writing for mcr while fucking barely knowing guitar how did that even work girl. Like i havent even mentioned the lyrics??? How do you. Like you can tell both that gerard never learned how to write songs and also that gerard listens to so much music that he can just fake it anywayyheres like 2 songs with actual choruses on the album and neither of them are the self proclaimed pop song h4h which opens with a queen riff?????? ans then is like a hardcore version of a beatles pop song????dont talk to me about drowning lessons. deomolition lovers!?!?! half of these songs are just poems that gerard hammered into songs and theyre so like. genuinely so incredible and they work??like the album works! as a cohesive piece! it coheres!
and thats the first album. Id say my favorite ts album is probably evermore though i might actually have less to say on it just bc i havent had it since 2015. Evermore is just so....ANGSTY!!! it feels like a complete fulfillment of what she was exploring on folklore with the fictional framing devices and keeping the songs clearly personal while also removing herself in a way she never really has before. It feels like a level of introspection through art that taylor has always been both pushing towards and shying away from because too much introspection or strangeness or even pulling away from the diaristic idea too much never worked with where taylor was at with her career. Evermore had a new collaborator, and the massive success of folklore as well as the continued quarantine gave her both an unprescedented level of artistic isolation personal confidence and professional security that allowed her to just go "fuck it" and write fucking. cowboy like me and dorothea and coney island and closure and she GOT AWAY WITH IT!!! like the albums been out for 3 years or something like that and I still feel like i havent fully processed its existence despite listening to it constantly. It truly felt like she was unshacked and was able to write about herself while also completely pulling away from any sort of literal Truth and going crazy with concept and the way she writes feels so unconstrained from the rules she would sometimes set for herself, it felt like a natural evolution from the freedom she felt jumping into the lover era but its past the honeymoon phase and like it is pop music but its also not scared to be...not pop music if that makes sense? She really fully settles into folk as a genre for the first time and it lets her writing flourish. Songs with no choruses songs with barely any structure at all lyrics that stretch at the ends of verses and fun bouncy wordplay and just allowing herself into a characters life and seeing how it fits her. She has some straight up ren faire tracks on here liek willow is just a collection of similies and metaphors she likes smushed together over a lute and its so GOOD. It feels like she was allowed to really live in adulthood as a woman in her early thirties who creates art because she loves it and because it keeps her alive ALSO proof that she needs to keep collaborating w new ppl bc whenever she does you can feel her pushing herself harder and she becomes so willing to try these new kind of weird things that she may have never tried otherwise aughhhh!!!! i didnt even talk about coney island!!!! I love how moody and dour the whole project is it feels like November where fall drags you into a cold unforgiving winter and you're just trying to survive with your sanity and any of your personal relationships intact. its so!!! tbh its SO new england also which makes me biased. ok thats all
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athene-studies · 2 months
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k havin some trouble keeping out of The Ennui this past while and i realized i had 7 core values listed on my blog (listed on the little explore thing on my desktop theme as "live life on purpose • step off the path of least resistance • take care of myself • contribute to the community • get things done • always learn • appreciate beauty") sooo score thats a weekly challenge right there.
im just gonna start tomorrow (its the night of the 5th as i post this) since im lucky and my week isnt bounded by things like "weekdays". lets do them in order!
6. Tue - live life on purpose: to keep myself mindful I'm going to write down what I've done after every half hour of my day, plus im gonna plan out a couple things at certain points of the day and attempt to stick to those plans 7. Wed - dont get dragged back into my comfort zone: i do have a dentist appointment that day, but im going to also go to the library while im out, which ive been trying to do for a while but just never felt right. im going to wear a cute but maybe a bit weird outfit, and whenever i have an urge to do something (i should go read, i should cut up and eat an apple), im going to do it instead of succumbing to the Nah. ...also this isnt relevant to the daily challenge but i do need to pick up a prescription so im going to try to remember that 8. Thur - take care of myself: im going to try to do all of my self-care habits ive set up. most of them i do once in a while, but i havent managed to do all of them at once in a few weeks. so that means doing my workout, brushing my teeth, turning my phone off at 1 and reading instead for bedtime, making sure my laundry is put away... etc. this one's only a small part of the day but i guess that means its a good chance to rest lol 9. Fri - help others: its a terrible time of year to do things like volunteering, plus short notice, so im going to focus on chores around the house and donations and home political action, that sort of thing. maybe text my siblings to find out how theyre doing. 10. Sat - get shit done: i mean what else is there to say. at the beginning of my day im going to write down a list of things to get done (attempting to include things that are low on my priority list so just keep repeatedly getting pushed back, like calling my grandpa and working on a video edit) and see how much of it i can do. the slogan for the day is gonna be "if i think to myself 'yknow i could go do this thing' i fucking will" 11. Sun - learn: hopefully the rest of the week will have caught me up on my accounting course, but if not, id like to do that. after that, though, id like to set aside some time to read articles on things i care about but dont know much about, and do a lesson or two of language learning or coding or something. learning at my own pace isnt going very well so far considering "my own pace" is ✨stagnancy✨ 12. Mon - appreciate the world: not much else to note other than looking around myself more often. im pretty good at this one already. lets use it to mean "do hobbies"-- take an hour to do some writing, take an hour to do some music, drink a tea ive been keeping aside for a special occasion, idk
and i will let you know how that goes :)
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mumpsetc · 2 years
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(crossing my hands on the table like a businessman) i would love to hear about any of your ocs, if you're up for it :o)
TECHNICALLY NOT OCS But All the Ocs I Have RN are Like, Top Secret Never to Interact W/ the Public At Large Until Their Grand Debut So We're Getting My Beloved Care Bears I Always Talk About But Never Show
Left to Right: Cheer Bear, Love-a-Lot Bear, Wish Bear, Good Luck Bear, and Tenderheart Bear
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They Would Mostly Venture Across The Land Meeting New People and Learning Lessons (and Sometimes Fighting a Dragon) But There'd Also Be Episodes Where They Hang Around Care-a-Lot. It'd Be About Unity and Friendship and Also Unlearning Ingrained Cultural Biases and Also Also Also Singing Songs and Being Silly. Cheer Bear is the Leader of the Group and the Most Go-Get-Em. She's Prone to Stubbornness and Insensitivity Though, But At the End of the Day She Means Well and Will Do The Right Thing No Matter What. Love-a-Lot is the Plucky Mom Friend of the Group, Though She Does Have Some Frustration Regarding Being Cast in That Role By a Bunch of Fellow Grown Ass Adults. She's Caring and Sweet But At the End of the Day is Very No Nonsense. Wish is a Fucked Up Wizard. She's Very Spiritually Aligned and an Out of the Box Thinker But She Frequently Doesn't Bother to Explain Her Self and Also Being a Fucked Up Wizard Kinda Makes You a Bit of a Spacey Dickhead. Good Luck is Exceedingly Confident in Everything He Does, Because Everything Always Works Out for Him. This Has Resulted in Him Being Frequently Demeaning or Flippant to Others Despite Not Meaning To. He is Very Loyal and Dedicated to Those He Cares About, But His Inherent Luck Makes It Hard for Him to See Eye to Eye With Most of His Peers. Tenderheart is an Anthropologist, With a Quick Wit and Kind Heart, They are the Most Openminded of The Cast. However, Due to a Rough Past They're Very Fragile Mentally and Can't Handle Most Conflict Without Crumpling Into a Little Ball. They Try Very Hard Though and Are Incredibly Sweet and Helpful Through the Thick and Thin.
Theres a Million More of These Fuckers This is Just the Main Lineup. I Havent Even Mentioned Grumpy, Funshine, Champ, Bedtime, Friend, Share, Oopsy, Secret, or the Fucking Cousins... God the Cousins...
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fangirlkats · 2 years
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https://fangirlkats.tumblr.com/post/692967935841615872/send-a-characters-name-to-receive-four-different
fuck you /aff bakugou time
tumblr user culdesacked is so pissed i havent finished telling them the bakugou lore they've gone from passive agressive to straight up agressive
thankfully i have nothing but love for you, too, friend. so here:
Headcanon A:  gay gay homosexual gay. people have differing opinions on baku's sexuality and i Get it like i definitely get the aroace vibes for example but to me hes the gayest gay to ever gay. this man is kirishimas best friend for two reasons 1. kirishimas hot as fuck and 2. whenever kirishima says "thats so manly" bakugou knows whatever it is is going to translate in his head as "thats so hot" and hes Correct. this man had a crush on all might i dont make the rules i just implement them. NEXT!
Headcanon B: he's the king of pet names. i saw this in a fic the other day and i couldn't handle a single second of class 1a grappling with him calling deku "babe". literally my new favorite thing in existence. chefs kiss.
Headcanon C: i think hes... painfully aware of what his feelings for izuku actually are (unlike deku who is repressing the hell out of them), and he's just not saying anything because, much like with the apology, there never seems to be a right time. not that he thinks he deserves anything to come out of it, but hes learned his lesson with not communicating now.
Headcanon D: i dont even know if this counts as unrealistic because it's 100% what's going to happen, but he's not staying dead. like there is absolutely No way he is staying dead and this isn't me reaching here or being in denial, it's just like, basic storytelling. i could concede he may fully die eventually (altho theres 100 ways to heal his body so really why would he), but hes certainly not gone Now. die mad about it.
and as a bonus unrealistic hope: to save his sorry ass deku has to give up one for all (not TO bakugou just in general) and i know what you're thinking "kat, doesn't this mean deku will go back to being quirkless and he wont be able to be a hero anymore and this will send the bakugou antis into a fucking frenzy?" well, first of all, i think we've made it sufficiently clear during the story a quirk does not a hero make so jot that down. and i 100% get the second point but consider: "i know how to live in a world without a quirk, but i don't know how to live in a world without you." read that. sit with it. breathe it in. good, you get my point.
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langlang-written · 1 year
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Penzu entry #5 02-01-23
Yesterday was a really bad day. Ive been dealing with those my entire life, but i havent dealt with those in a while. I thought it was a normal bad day but it wasnt. I got fired from a job that i really wanted to keep. It was unusual for me to want something this much and yet i have failed miserably. Ive failed my younger self of wanting to maintain stability but no matter how hard i try, chaos always tries to find me.
That instance was the first time i wanted to quit a job but came back. Little steps forward but theres always one big step back. This just serves right on how i should just stop and end it all. But surprisingly, i didnt lay out a plan of killing myself. Usually, i would cut myself or try to hurt myself by drinking alcohol or do something stupid, but i havent. And im glad i didnt. Its hard dealing with pressure and adding more into it is the worst. 
Id like to say somewhere along the lines of it was the universe way of telling me it was never meant to be, but i really dont believe in fate. Maybe it was a lesson learned the hard way. And that all of the people i met, the relationships i built in that job (to which i have deeply treasured) was a hard earned lesson. It hurts physically. I wish we could still keep in touch but its not how the world works. I really do wish things took a different turn, but wishing is all i could ever do.
Last night i had a dream that i went back and everything fell right into place perfectly. But thats not reality. Reality is shit. And we got nothing to do but deal with it. 
I know the people who ive met in this job are never going to read this but i wanna dedicate this journal entry to them. I really wholeheartedly and fucking love you. I hope all the things you've hoped for in life are coming true, cuz despite things not going well for me, I still believe in hope that things will get better. I will miss you all so much and i wish the time they had given us was a bit longer. No worries, i will see you in another opportunity!
Bye world.
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its-a-hil · 1 year
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okay ask game under the read more doing all of them bc why not i love talking about myself
1) comfort characters going specifically with the ones i dont kin - ringo from penguindrum, mu ye from half, ,,,, ,,, i think that might be it actually im too much of a kinnie for this uwu
2) lighter or matches matches even though im bad at them i just like scraping the thing against the thing with the fear that ill burn my fingers. dont really use them recently though since my family hasnt really lit candles in a long time
3) do i leave the window open at night god no how could i it's too cold out there give me my warm cozy carbon dioxide pls
4) which cryptid do i believe in kraken really anything related to the sea i feel like we have the ground fairly well mapped up but the sea is SO BIG
5) eye color i mean basic brown, but also ive been complimented on them by total strangers multiple times so i just dont fucking get it
6) why did i do that look that particular scene in tales of arise is just so bad i am losing my mind over it help i cant stop seeing it and imagining how much better it could be but they wanted to ship the children in a way that didnt make any fucking sense i just
7) hair ties or scrunchies both! a scrunchie is nice for if i dont want to put effort into it, but if im braiding or even just splitting my hair bilaterally hair ties just work better and feel cleaner (<- all of her scrunchies are different colors and it makes her feel off-balance to use two of them)
8) number of water bottles in my room just the one, stainless steel reusable camelback my beloved <3
9) hot coffee or cold coffee no. give me (filtered) tap water 99% of the time and chai if im in a social situation with my indian friends and that is IT
10) would i slaughter the rich i mean not really it wouldnt fix anything since capitalism isn't a group of people it's a pervasive system i would be down to de-rich the rich though that sounds way more humanizing for all involved parties
11) fav extracurricular activity toss-up between puzzle club and rock climbing cross country and theater are pretty fun too but you need to have a social group in place to really enjoy them (<- has learned this lesson multiple times and yet)
12) what kind of day is it a day where i lose my mind to tales of berseria endgame content apparently
13) last time i ate just now had dinner with parents, we had idli it was great i love idli
14) do i love the smell of earth after it rains not particularly but i do love charting a path on the sidewalk and jumping over puddles while the rain is coming down in droves and i have 4 minutes to get to class
15) am i a parent nah but i'd be happy to be one someday if im allowed to adopt and/or womb transplants and we havent abolished parenthood yet
16) can i drive yes and i dont want to expunge this knowledge from my brain pls #smash your local car
17) farsighted or nearsighted i think im very slightly farsighted but not enough to need glasses so idrc
18) hair products i use nothing special just like shampoo and conditioner i dont blowdry unless absolutely necessary though i just let it drip into my shirt that's more comfy
19) would i paint your nails at a sleepover oh fuck yeah girlie but you have to be ready for me to make mistakes bc i am clumsy as shit and my fine motor control is really lacking sometimes and honestly i would be too scared id fuck something up but i would still do it anyway bc you asked and i am Helpful™ as part of my sense of self which is Definitely healthy i promise you dont need to worry about a thing
20) do i say soda or pop soda this is a very boring question i cant even think of a good way to elaborate on it
21) something ive kept since childhood my yamaha keyboard that's probably older than me and doesnt have a full piano range or pedals but i love it nonetheless
22) what type of person am i ideologically against personality quizzes and boxes next question
23) how do i feel about chilly weather while im in a warm building: ugh it's so cold outside i hate this my skin is dry and the trees are dead it's so gross i need to build a coal power plant to end this while im outside: *exhales to see the puff of water vapor* *swishes my scarf* *smiles at the beauty and resilience of nature*
24) if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing depends how high the rooftop is if it's like more than a couple stories id just be looking out over the world and possibly peoplewatching if that's available if it's just like a house, i'd take in the air and just kinda vibe yknow?
25) perfume / body spray or lotion? i mean lotion my skin will constantly itch horribly if i dont put it own and i have the scars on my thighs to prove it
26) a scenario ive replayed multiple times i did this so often in so many ways throughout middle/high school that i just kinda got burnt out from it and now i really dont like thinking about it sorry before you ask no she was not okay
27) about how many hours of sleep do i get probably about 9 on average but i can function with any amount for a single day if i had enough the day before
28) do i wear a mask of course i do!! i cant when im coerced into certain social situations but i never initiate something like that and i always wear one at my job or on errands plus it's just nice to wear when it's cold out so your lungs dont freeze
29) how do i like my shower water hot like i need to feel a tiny bit of stinging or it just isnt hot enough
30) are there dishes in my room no a few candy bags but anything that touched actual food is in the trash
31) what type of music keeps me grounded changes constantly, pretty much the song ive been listening to recently for a while it was heir of grief (homestuck) but it's slowly moved around to random japanese music along with my general taste
32) do i have a favorite towel nah i just kinda use whatever will stay dry
33) the last adventure ive been on when i went to the japanese arcade and saw a ddr-like game with hatsune miku in it probably
34) is there a song i know every word to by heart sure - a few crane wives songs, but mostly it's japanese songs that i dont know what most of the words mean i just memorized the phonemes
35) whats my timezone eastern standard time in winter, eastern summer time in summer, bc EDT is a horrible acronym that no one ever uses and it's obvious from context
36) how many times have i changed my url none really but also i havent been using tumblr that long anyway if we count twitter i changed it twice - once bc i didnt like my old branding and again bc 'shill' is a bad word to have in your twitter @ when the nft bots are constantly looking for it
37) someone in my life i've known for 10+ years pretty much most of my elementary/middle school friend group we stayed in touch throughout high school and college
38) a soap bar that smells good soap bars are HORRIBLE and if i use them they dry out my skin and i die (see 25)
39) do i use lip balm no im lazy and usually drinking water is enough to keep them more or less moisturized
40) did i have snacks today girl yes and theyre all called chocolate
41) how do i take my coffee this is bullying. i am being cyberbullied right now.
42) an app i use frequently besides this one discord, firefox for android, bang dream girls band party, the obs camera app that lets me put hello kitty velvet crowe onstream and pat her head
43) my take on spicy foods they're good! i like them i also like nonspicy foods though it's kinda like with garlic im happy either way
44) if i had a free pass to kill anyone, who i mean who are you a cop but no one i wouldnt be able to kill someone either emotionally or practically i am too clumsy and also i refuse to do that unless someone i care about is immediately in danger and that's the only way i can think of to save them
45) can i remember what happened yesterday yeah i went to work, went rock climbing, came home and fucked around on my puter for a few hours
46) fav holiday film what is a holiday film *thinks* groundhog day and that's my final answer
47) last message i sent "oh sorry any time works for me really" <- setting up a time to go rock climbing with my sister
48) when did i first try an alcoholic beverage summer solstice 2021 (3 months before i turned 21) i had a bottle of angry orchard and it did not make the social interaction any easier to bear
49) can i skip rocks ive done it before but it's been a long time i know the basic mechanics though i could probably get it back in a couple attempts, though i dont think ive ever managed more than like 3 skips
50) can you tag me in random stuff sure but id prefer if you share it as a dm so i can actually like. discuss it with you please if any of my oomfies have read this far and see birdgirl art (or birdboy art im so starved) i NEED to see it
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just a glimpse
today, i finally had a little taste of what life might be like once this is over. i had just a glimpse of who i might be after its all said and done with. just a little tiny bit at a time its getting easier. each passing day just hurts slightly less than the previous. today i did a couple hours worth of yard work, something about it just feels so rewarding. then i went and got my check from my job that i no call no showed at which im proud of myself for doing, i thought i was gonna be too anxious to go through with showing my face in there. got 120 bucks though, im glad i went. i need all i can get right now, money do be kinda tight still. then i had dinner at texas roadhouse and ate so much fucking food i thought id burst. unfortunately while i was at the restaurant was probably the hardest part of my day, i had nothing but my moms company to distract me and when im with her id rather be in my head. but after i made it through that i came home and finally started stranger things season 4. my opinion so far, it seems like a totally different show. not in a bad way, its definitely cool. just definitely doesnt seem to connect to the other seasons, the flow is not as clear. maybe theyll make it all connect shit idk, im only on episode three. to end my evening ive been laying in bed practicing my ukulele and drawing, and it feels so nice to have a creative outlet. i honestly kind of hate commission work. it makes me feel pressured and constrained. my friend asked me if they could pay me to draw them a furry of themselves and i started on it but im stuck on the fucking hands and its making me so frustrated i havent touched the drawing in days. so ive been drawing other shit instead, but oh well...maybe ill get around to finishing it. when i was at the restaurant with my mom i did something i really am not proud of and have been trying to figure out why i reacted this way. they brought us 4 rolls and i had eaten two of them, precisely my half of the basket. my mom made a comment saying we needed more, and i said i was good. then she said something like , "you and samantha are always eating all of the bread and then wont ask for more." and i snapped back at her soooo fast and in a really defensive and angry tone, "I only ate two of them. thats literally half." i guess i dont like how shes always comparing me to my sister, i hate being lumped in with someone else who im nothing like. i want to be seen as my own individual, not the other version of her favorite child. i was also irritated that she was implying i ate "all of the bread" when i literally only ate my half. i just wish i had the ability to stop myself and think in situations and respond calmly and thoughtfully express my emotions instead of snapping back. at least the first step is awareness, and i know my defensiveness is something i need to work on. blame the aries in me, i guess. not saying thats an excuse but...could be an explanation. ive always had so much anger and frustration that it comes out at the slightest inconvenience. i dont know why im so angry. i guess i feel hurt by the world, resentful of my situation. i need to stop feeling and treating myself like a victim. ive always been so angry, that my parents sucked, that i got a chronic disease, that im not straight or cis, that i cant think or feel like neurotypical people. im so angry that ive always had to be an outsider. its not fair. i want to be accepted. why wont they accept me? havent i been through enough? i guess its never enough until you learn your lesson to get off your ass and stop pitying yourself. no one else is going to take care of me so i better suck it the fuck up and do it my god damn self. and i better make it fucking worth it.
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acidmatze · 2 years
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Is there anyone on this damn site who ISNT a former gifted child or otherwise a genius or whatever? Where are the dumbasses? The ones who genuinely were left behind at school Y'all sound just like my classmates "Oh school sucked so much, i was so bad at it i only wrote 10 pages of notes per lesson" "Ugh i only got a B wow i surely must be the worst person at school at this." "Yeah i was daydreaming a lot but i aced all my classes anyway lol."
Yeah cool story bro. I didnt. I day dreamed in every single class and my grades were in the sewers and if i say sewers i MEAN sewers. Not some cute "Oh i barely got a 3" (Which is a C for americans i think though your grading system is weird it might as well be a B) I mean F for FUCKING FAILED. Except for english but thats not because Im good at it its more because everyone else sucked so hard at it it slowed class down so much we werent even halfway through the book after a year. We weren't even approaching the halfway point of the book.
Anyways.... wheres the support for the dumbasses who were left behind by teachers in the hopes that if they ignore you hard enough you drop out eventually? Cuz trying to teach you is a waste of everyone's time anyway and there are 34 other students in your class who could Actually learn something and are Actually worth someone's time. The german grading system is designed so its impossible to fail unless you never show up at school but i shouldve gotten a failing grade in math anyway cuz i got 0 points in everything. Which translates to an F. But no one anticipated that anyone could actually be so stupid and be that bad at math so they couldnt give me an F cuz that would mean i never showed up for school. But i did. Always was there, always did my homework and did all exams i just happened to get Every Single Thing wrong. I dont even have dyscalculia or any learning difficulties and disabilites im just genuinely dumb.
"Uwu support for people with learning issues! Its not me or anyone i know but they surely are out there somewhere far far away from me uwu!"
Fuck i dont even have learning issues im just straight up stupid. Goldfish may have a memory of more than 3 seconds but I sure havent. I Dont even have a special interest that couldve saved One of my grades cuz i suck at all my special interests and they arent connected to anything relevant in school. And again, if they were i fucking sucked at it.
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folkloreaquarium · 3 years
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I drank not even half a bottle (the 600ml one) of coke because someone bought it for me and I'm an idiot who drank it and now I feel jittery and ill and I do not like this.
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iwillbecomealawyer · 3 years
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gonna babble and list down all the reasons why i love psychonauts 2 so far to OBLIVION
(warning: post contains major spoilers so i dont recommend continuing if you havent played the game. but also do not spoil if you have, since im still in the part where i reached where the psychic 6 resided)
1. raz being much more babey in this game, but also being just as capable and intelligent as last game
2. the game showing that raz CAN fuck up, learning his mistakes and making up for it
3. raz being such a good and respectful boi ;-; the way he talks to his grandma and the way he talks to lili knowing she was in a very vulnerable state,, his parents raised him so well
4. raz and lili basically switching places in pn2 where raz is being a complete stuttering mess and lili is the oblivious one (though this is mostly bc she was occupied with her dad so UNDERSTANDABLY so)
4. THE REALISTIC DEPICTION OF SIBLINGS OF THIS GAME GOOD LORD I LOVE IT
5. i mentioned this in my last post but after raz learns his lesson with hollis, he starts to ask for consent before going into someone’s mind
6. the seamless metaphors and symbolism to mental issues and healing
7. the fucking genius that is the panic attack foes..them being quick, ruthless enemies thats hard to catch up with unless you deliberately slow it down with the time bubble ability. it also has the ability to multiply; symbolizing that the person struggling cannot tell what is real of what is fake. idk this enemy just really made me pause the game for a bit bc of sheer appreciation .. i i remember struggling with a panic attack fight and even i felt overwhelmed
8. raz having a change of heart from killing animals from pn1, and pets them in pn2; him also constantly making apologetic remarks when he does is so funny
9. the whole segment of raz finding out lucy was pretending to be his grandma and it being ford’s fault. the way he felt betrayed, hurt, and angry; and how it hurt even more so when raz idolized him, and considered him a friend bc of what they went through together in pn1. the strength raz had to say that ford fucked up his entire family, and its all his fault. UGH. cinema
10. raz’s char arc being absolutely stellar in this game!!??! we got to know more about him, the family ‘curse’, and how he grew. im so damn proud of him i feel like a loud mom cheering her kid’s name when they get up onstage for graduation
11. raz’s family. period
12. gameplay being fun as fuck with thought compelling puzzles with a balance of forgiveness if youre being a dumbass,, im not a gamer by any means but i found myself playing for 10 hours straight and each time i come back im having the time of my life and never wanna put the controller down. im rank 60 ffs
13. i theorized that the minds we were gonna go through this game were the psychic 6 and while that DID end up being the case, they did it in such a smooth way that fit the narrative that didnt just feel like a ‘checklist; do this and save the world’ feeling, it was closely tied to the narrative and it wasnt a linear process. its so good
14. music is obviously a given i literally have no words i find myself staying in one place in each world just to dwell in the music
15. the ENTIRETY of psi king’s mind. definition of gorgeous
16. psi king’s segment where we find out his band members were the psychic six and where we slowly get to put the pieces together and find out he’s actually helmut fullbear. the moment we got to witness where he slowly unravels his doubts about his friends and himself with raz helping
16. speaking of psi king: jack black. thats it
17. SPEAKING OF PSI KING AGAIN: LGBT REP!!!!
18. milla’s full name being camilla and it being revealed that sasha accidentally mispronounced her name to ‘mia’ and decided to remain it that way bc she thought it was rly cute
19. the moments in this game having the perfect balance of heartwarming, hilarious, and foreboding. early on in the game i was like ‘huh i was expecting something a lil darker to bring to the table but i can understand this!’ but i was wrong. i was so. fucking wrong. i had my jaw dropped in the lucy nona reveal the entire time i was terrified. fantastic segment
20. as much as i struggled in compton’s mind i really loved the idea of his world bc 1. hes the first world we encounter the Judge enemy, since all he did was blame himself from what happened with lucy and the psychic 6 2. his world based off of hollis, truman and ford being the harsh judges and critics of his own mind and facing the constant pressure sinilar to a reality cooking show. its kind similar to gloria’s theater from pn1 in that regard, but definitely brings new and different ideas to the table
21. raz offering frazie to come with him to psychonauts hq as an intern to embrace her psychic powers and frazie considering it
22. raz being a good older brother to queepie
23. norma having a crush on raz’s fucking dad (idk if shes doing it to screw with raz or if she rly does but either way its SO FUNNY)
24. raz (depending if the player chooses to or not) bringing rare fungi for lili to make her feel better despite him knowing the truth about truman god these two are adorable
25. lili feeling terrible about truman and raz trying to sympathize w her saying he was pretty shit to his own father too (poor baby ;-;)
26. raz wanting the approval of nona :’) asking her if she wants anything to make her comfortable
27. the intense conversation between dion and raz
28. ford dropping this bomb on raz that there was no curse to begin with, and that the aquato curse was just a ruse for lucy to not go near water so maligula cant be awaken. jfc poor kid i actually cant believe that dialogue was optional
29. raz’s ’yoink!’ voice clip. baby
30. raz mentioning true psychic tales to any moment available ever
31. THE CASINO MISSION SEGMENT WITH THE INTERNS 💙💙💙💙
32. sam boole
33. oleander trying to make the death tanks against maligula without a budget
34. those two psychonuts members in the atrium talking about how sasha and milla are ’doing it’, with raz interjecting that theyre professionals and the members replying with ‘we meant yoga why what did you think we meant’ and raz being like ‘oh.’
35. that man and woman planning an affair in the entrance lobby of hq and the woman’s husband accepting and knowing about it
36. the clarification of psychonauts’ mission with hollis, on how their purpose is not to ‘fix’ people but to help fight the struggles they already have
37. the voice acting holy HELL the voice acting!!!! psychonauts 1 already had amazing va’ing but gOD everyone did amazing here; especially richard horvitz 
38. RAZ AND LILI IN NICK’S MIND THEYRE SO FUCKING FUNNY SJJKDJKSD (IM TYPING THIS AFTER I FINISHED THE WAVE OF ENEMIES BIT WHERE LILI PRESSED THE WRONG BUTTONS) raz being like ‘’ok yeah you finished pressing the wrong buttons so far’’ and lili being like ‘’JUST GET ON THE STUPID RIDE’’ IM FUCKGIN DYING
39. the player having the option to get rid of the background music in gristol’s mind and the reward being raz’s sigh of relief im actually fucking dying 
40. raz making up a code name for lili (’potato masher’) and lili liking it :)
aand thats it so far :)) this list will be updated the more i play or tidbits i remember
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