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sanchoyo · 3 years

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danny phantom 14-20 thoughts!! I finished up s1 :D these last few eps were actually really really good!!!

-did. did tucker really just say esperanto was a dead language only spoken as a secret code between geeks. google says around 100,000 people actively speak it. oh my god...it being an auxiliary language doesn't mean its 'just for geeks to speak in code' ...it helps bridge gaps between people who don't have a language in common...

-danny really isn't pulling punches when it comes to fighting the ghost-cop possessed people huh. like he SLAMMED KWAN INTO THE CONCRETE SO HARD. HE THREW PAULINA INTO A BILLBOARD. will that...I mean it WOULD carry over to their bodies non-possessed, right? like if the ghost piloting their bodies gets hurt?? itd be so upsetting to be possessed, lose time, then wake up covered in bruises (and possibly, broken bones??) real horror movie stuff im sure wont be addressed in any way

-tuckers parents seem nice! I like them :)

-WULF IS CUTE AND I FEEL BAD. im so glad the gang realized he was only causing trouble bc of the shock collar walker put on him and helped. also, him wearing that big hoodie with the hood on, and thinking its subtle. we can tell youre still a giant wolfie :) THEN GETTING SUCKED INTO THE PORTAL AAAAH :( anxiously waiting to see Him Again....

-DANNY BLASTING HIS PARENTS THINKING THEY WERE OVERSHADOWED LMFAO GET THEIR ASSES. maddie marking how many ghosts she gets with lipstick tallies on the side of her portal gun? kindaaa iconic tho. (ALSO, SHE WAS LIKE, 2 FT AWAY FROM HIM RIGHT AFTER SHE TRIED TO SHOOT HIM. HOW DO YOU NOT RECONINZE YOUR OWN SON??? like sure, he might have diff hair/eye colors. but like, if one of my family members dyed their hair, and was wearing contacts, its not like id be like 'wHO IS THIS STRANGER!!!' ...he still has all his facial features!! same everything!!! I hate it here)

-paulina being #1 girl realizing danny's a friendly ghost immediately. smart queen. lancer and kwan ran away right after he made this sweet baby face at them:

which is hilarious.

-ok. im not saying his bullying is JUSTIFIED, but. dash looked so pleased with the (cute!) poster he just painted, and danny comes thru the wall and spills paint on his nice letterman jacket. his anger is justified maybe 65% of the time so far...(not the way he handles it, but STILL.) at least lancer is stepping in!! and them making a silly little bet was...cute?? until dash pulled out his GROSS UNDERWEAR AND SAID DANNY WOULD HAVE TO EAT THEM???? WHAT THE FUCK MAN. TUCKER WAS SO RIGHT ITS FUCKING WEIRD TO CARRY THOSE AROUND EWWW. THIS KID IS UNWELL. lancer was right, his animatronic setup was SUPER IMPRESSIVE?? hes actually pretty creative. danny meanwhile is stealing the fright knight's design...I hope dash is taking art classes or smth with his sports

-fright knight is the most bestest ghost so far i LOVE THAT DESIGN. I am biased towards knights, and characters with swords, but he fucks so severely. and should sue danny for copyright infringement for stealing his design for his haunted house. if some 14 yr old broke into MY house and stole MY sword, id also be pissed. his evil winged unicorn rules too with its FANGS. and he just CAN SHOVE THE PORTAL OPEN WITH HIS HANDS??? is he the strongest ghost weve seen so far? idk but hes my fav. SOUL SHREDDER IS SUCH A COOL SWORD NAME TOO. ANY NAMED SWORD ALSO FUCKS. 'flaming bedsheets of DEATH' funny king. ALSO he was polite to dash and tucker when just asking for directions and telling tucker 'oh maybe, just a suggestion, maybe be nicer to me and be more respectful :)' I LOOOVE HIM.

-I noticed this in the Ember ep, but jazz has an electric guitar in her room!! talent musical queen!! its cool to see hobbies just in the bg.

-fright knight's murder castle reminds me of the booby trapped murder castle in zexal!! another supposedly 'for kids' show with murder/trap castles! we love that. if you are a dp fan reading this, give yugioh zexal a try. its also got 13-14 year old protags and involves (alien) ghosts. the cardgame is just a vessel for the plot, which is really good. (I just want more people to watch my fav yugioh, man)

-danny. with a SWORD.

-danny doesnt NEED TO WIN this contest, dash didnt STEAL HIS DESIGNS AND STEAL A SWORD. he also got excited to hear lancer got sent to a dimension with his worst fears too just so he could win the contest? DANNY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! BRO MAYBE YOURE 14 AND HAVENT FULLY DEVOLPED YOUR WHOLE BRAIN YET, BUT...THATS FUCKED. this kid casually says the most deranged things, I do worry for my spooky son. once again, therapy needed. that judo toss was great tho. I wonder if he actually did pick up some martial arts stuff from his mom?

-danny can fly 112 mph!!! thats so fast! I love the lil montage of him and his friends testing his abilities and stuff, very cute and a good way to showcase what he can do by now and how much more proficient he's gotten from ep 1!!! I'm sure he's going to get more abilities :)

-im glad...maddie's at least TRYING this ep. I do feel for her because her husband is a man baby. but the fact it took 16 episodes to get a kinda semblance of any kind of real concern or attempts at bonding. hmm. jack's 'BACK OFF SHES A MINOR' @ the ghost trying to attack jazz. also was very funny. and him wanting to make an action figure of her? are the parents redeeming themselves to me? slightly. they gotta Work Harder

-THE GHOST. IS FLYING. THE PLANE.

-fenton machete. but she doesnt carry a PHONE??? ???

-I mean I expected vlad when you namedrop him earlier in the ep, and also the title card picture, and dalv corp being fucking vlad backwards. but seeing him just pull up on a golf cart made me bust out laughing. WITH the gift baskets prepared. why wouldnt you at least be suspicious. also, if he wants danny to be his lil sonboy, why is he so fucking malicious?? dude you are going about this in such a bad way. stop it. get some help.

-maddie not even hesitating to drag danny out. fucking good. danny is so right, go on the internet to date. get a cat. how do you spend...how many years?? has it been since college?? at least 20, right, since the parents/vlad are in their 40s? hung up on ONE girl. my god, man. incel drama queen. her kung fu IS impressive, but dude. 'we both know hes a creep' SO right. it sucks but they do need a phone and shit being in the middle of NOWHERE. also, just stealing his helicopter was great. <3

-'you must be exhausted carrying the weight of that mistake you made years ago' 'well we all make mistakes. maybe I'll make one now!' WHY DID THIS EXHCHANGE SEND ME. AND VLAD WITH THE BREATH SPRAY EWWW BITCH. 'OLD BAIT BREATH' SOO RIGHT. both danny and his mom playing him HAHAH hes so dumb. or rather, I think he thinks with his emotions too too much and is...actually pretty gullible? lmao he believed danny was ready to give in SO fast. (which is sad hes that hopeful, like you have SO MUCH MONEY YOU COULD EASILY GET ANOTHER GIRL WHO HAS A KID. AND WOULD WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND BE SUPPORTED. GET OVER THIS (1) WOMAN ALREADY IM GETTING SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT AAAAH)

-GHOST BEAR GHOST BEAR GHOST BEAR. it was also in the title card, but I still got very excited. we love bears here

-SAM'S BAT SWIMSUIT COVERUP!!! her outfits are simply iconic.

-'i'd tell you to go to the mens room, but I don't think you qualify' top paulina transphobic moments. :( and him wearing a tanktop to the swim park? hmmm! (actually I think she was overshadowed by then, so, KITTY top 10 transphobic moments??)

-kitty just piloting paulina around makes me feel SO bad tho, paulina's gonna wake up and be like 'wtf do you mean I was dating this rando' like youre leading danny on to make johnny jealous, and also just POSSESSING POOR PAULINA. dude take your relationship problems ELSEWHERE. last time we saw them, they seemed like such a cute couple!! wtf johnny!! I mean, she sucks for trying to make him jealous, he sucks for looking at other girls...maybe they need a break, but Not Like This. or, you know, just. better communication...

-and the A-listers having a full packet and a stamp system. who organizes this. kwan fucking owning being the new danny though, this is hysterical. THE TUCKER/KWAN FLOWER FIELD TWIRL. UNIRONICALLY ADORABLE. and him giving it his all for the poetry slam. bless his HEARTTTT.

-Star owns. actually, all of the extra characters are shining this ep and I love it.

-INVISO-BILL??? NOOOO THEY DID HIM SOO DIRTY. DANNY SWEETIE IM SO SORRY.

-johnny and danny bein friends and staging a fake fight (which danny takes too seriously, once again this child has aggression he NEEDS TO WORK OUT) I hope these three stay friends, I said it before but danny needs more friendly ghosts to hang with.

-at this point, Danny's ghost enemies are a lot like, I dunno, batman's rouge gallery is the first thing that comes to mind. they all have their own gimmick and unique designs, but most of them are easy to beat after learning the Moral Lesson. I still get excited when any of them show up again, though. 18 is another valerie episode!!!! :D skulker really said you two will get along if I have to handcuff you together <3 and the gym teacher really said, youre married now, have a flour baby! ngl, I'm not really watching this show for the shipping stuff (which I am very scared to look at the fandom for after I finish this watch through- I feel like there's probably discourse/arguing about ships...) but. I'm gonna put my opinion out there. valerie/danny > sam/danny. maybe I just really love the enemies to lovers trope. And the secret identity stuff adds Extra Flavor.

-SKULKER JUST HAVING THE BOX GHOST AND DANGLING HIM BY A STRING. HILARIOUS. and him watching them with binoculars and making his silly little commentary. AND MAKING THE SACK BABY CRY. LMAO. THIS DUDE IS A BABY KIDNAPPER. skulker is super fun

-danny, you just...collapsed the water tower. and then attacked the nasty burger machine...mascot thingy...out of anger..I KEEP SAYING HE'S GOT ANGER ISSUES BUT. HE REALLY NEEDS A LESSON IN MANAGING COLLATERAL DAMAGE!!! So does valerie!! They're both pretty focused on each other. I mean it's good of Danny to say he's trying to make sure PEOPLE don't get hurt, but... (I mean I guess it's not something 14 year olds WOULD worry about, but as an adult im like, who's going to fix that? how much money will that take??)

-TUCKER MAKING BANK. and sam and tucker being super emotionally attached to their flour baby and being pretty good parents. that's cute...also him just straight kissing her and being like. WAIT. O_O JDSKAFHD. his mom baking them into cookies was the funniest possible result. tbh I dont feel like this is on tucker, if anything the other kid's shouldve been more responsible! He was just taking an opportunity to get that $$ which I respect

-Danny being more understanding of Valerie's situation in the end (helping her at her job, too, and trying to keep that a secret for her!!!) And seeing them work together this ep, and also her letting phantom get her out of the ghost zone...was very sweet. LOVE that. more valerie eps pls

-me when I realize vlad's big stupid house exploded because of his own carelessness with changing the ghost portal ectofiltrator or whatever: *pointing and laughing*

-me when I realize it means he's gonna go make danny's life hell for it somehow: >:(

-SCOOBY PARODY!!! I feel like there's gotta be some scooby doo/danny phantom crossover stuff, right? also, 'guys in white' men in black wishes

-'oh, that's right! dad married the love of your life! you're bitter and alone!' DANNNNNYY GET HIS ASS ONCE AGAIN WE ARE POINTING AND LAUGHING AT VLAD

-'jack, you captured the ghost boy!!' UMM. he did nothing <3 'we have a weapon's vault??' YOU HAVE A WEAPONS VAULT??? and jack didnt put a handle on the inside. of fucking course he didnt! why would you leave that to your son!! or expect him to clean YOUR LAB when its where you work with probably dangerous chemicals and weapons and hes 14!! give him normal chores, like, I dunno, vacuuming, laundry, dishes...CMON. I hate it here. But I'm glad Jack is more chill about danny while he's a ghost, and willing to work with him for this ep. AND. I DID ENJOY JACK PUNCHING VLAD IN THE FACE. AND GENERALLY JUST OWNING HIM. the ghost punchy fists are actually amazing. like yeah, just punch a ghost in the face. that rules.

-ep 20 opens with the coolest fucking ghost lady design. her tattoos can come off and fight. MA'AM. I like ur nose ring and your cape maam hello 👉👈😳

-sam's grandma is hilarious and the most valid member of her family and I love her. thats my grandma now. and tucker covering for sam by dressing as her. thats true friendship <3 also skipping school to go to a goth circus. just bestie things! sam's parents are haters but for all the wrong reasons.

-'my family has controlled ghosts with this for generations!' WAIT. WAIT FREAKSHOW /ISNT/ A GHOST? I didn't expect that...he's just a fucked up guy controlling ghosts? anyway watching danny shoot at police cars and rob banks while mind controlled. its like, the most stereotypical 'bad' things lmao. (tbh an evil ghost circus troupe is a sick concept)

this gives off big deviantart emo edit vibes

(I'm going to assume evil circus reaper danny has a lot of fan content. people love an edgy au, except this one is canon (even tho its via mind control...having the protag go evil otherwise might be hard, I guess?) but au where he stays with the troupe...that has to exist, right?)

ANYWAY. excited to start s2!! lowkey surprised by how many notes some of these posts have gotten. I've gone back and tagged them all with 'dp thoughts' so they're easier to find on my blog! ^^ and I will probably possibly do (more) fanart on my art blog after I finish the watch of the whole show, so like. @sanchoyodraws follow my art blog :)

#sanchoyorambles #danny phantom #dp thoughts

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damn-behzinga · 4 years

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Losing The War Against Himself

Ethan Payne (Behzinga) Centric

summary - Ethan is losing the war of depression but other soldiers are going to fight beside him and help him win

warnings - depression, self harm, suicidal thoughts, angst, panic attacks, swearing, my terrible writing

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Sometimes, Ethan didn't want to talk about his weight loss. Sometimes, Ethan looked in the mirror and still felt disgusting and fat. He would feel terrible about himself and work out more and eat less, trying to get rid of the fattiness he felt but couldn't see.

The other sidemen knew that something was off with Ethan on these days but since he hadn't told them, they remained in the dark and confused about the situation.

Ethan was pretty open about how he looked up to the other sidemen and their lifestyle, especially JJ. JJ who was so strong and fit, who looked like how Ethan could only dream of.

Ethan just stood in front of the mirror and cried, he felt so disgusting, every way he looked at himself, he looked distorted. Ethan wanted to vomit when he looked at himself, ignoring all progress he made from the last two years, only seeing himself as the fat man he knew from before.

Ethan dried his tears, there's no way in Hell he would let his friends see him like that. So weak and sensitive. And so, to stop them from seeing him in any way that showed weakness, Ethan slowly went back into his shell, becoming a shell of their best friend. The sidemen were confused to put it simply and hurt. They had spent months getting Ethan to open up to them and all of a sudden he went back into that shell. The last time he felt like that was in 2015 and they did not want to go back down that route again.

Ethan's habits worsened. He'd show up for shoots, complete them and then leave. If it was an all-day shoot then he'd arrive on time and leave during his breaks, even if it was just for a walk around the block. He would go out of his way to avoid his friends, hardly interacting with them and not commenting on much during filming. He was like a zombie. His friends knew they had to find out what was wrong and helped him before it was too late.

Ethan was at his flat when the guys came over to confront him. He was simply lying in bed, not having the energy to get up or do anything productive. The men knocked on the door but Ethan didn't answer, too lost in his head. Ethan had given them all a spare key when he first moved so Tobi used it and they all entered the flat, searching for their friend.

"Ethan?" Simon called lightly, looking around the living room. When the men came up empty, Tobi nodded towards Ethan's door and so the group stood at the doorway and saw their best friend in bed.

"Go away, lads." Ethan's voice was hoarse from the lack of use but the emptiness was evident.

"We can't leave you alone like this," Josh said softly making his way through the messy room.

"Where's Charlie?" Tobi asked, noting Ethan's missing roommate.

"He moved out with his girlfriend," Ethan muttered. "He left, why can't you?"

"Because we're worried about you man," JJ answered honestly, his voice rarely soft.

"You don't have to be. I'm not worth your time." Ethan argued weakly.

"Ethan, when was the last time you showered?" Vik asked.

"I don't know. After the last shoot, I suppose." Ethan shrugged.

The friends exchanged looks, that was five days ago.

"When was the last time you ate a proper meal?" Harry questioned.

"I don't know," Ethan answered. "What does it matter guys? I'm still the fat kid I'm losing some weight now at least."

Both Simon and Tobi flinched at Ethan's words.

"Okay," Josh whispered. "You're gonna shower or have a bath and we're going to get you some food. Is there anything you want specifically?"

"I don't care," Ethan said back, voice breaking slightly. "You guys shouldn't either. All I do is bring you down. Can't you go home and leave me alone, please?"

Harry wanted to give in and leave Ethan alone and hope that he would get better the next day and return to good old Ethan they knew and loved. But Harry knew that he needed to stay, that if he left his friend then the results could be tragic.

"We can't do that, mate," Tobi whispered. "Just go take a shower and take a breather. We're staying right here."

Ethan couldn't be bothered to argue, so he pushed himself up in bed, joints clicking after not being used for however long. JJ helped Ethan up, seeing how weak he was. Holding an arm underneath his shoulders to support him to the bathroom.

Despite the stumbling, Ethan made it to the bathroom. He turned and looked at the men and closed the door behind him and soon the men heard the water running. Josh turned to the group and started planning things.

"Okay, Simon and JJ will clean up Ethan's room. Vik and I will take the living room, and Tobi and Harry will knock out the washing up in the kitchen. I'll order us all some food." Josh explained. Everyone nodded and went to their respective rooms to clean up.

About fifteen minutes later, the rooms were clean and Ethan stepped out the bathroom, feeling clean for the first time in days, wearing a new pair of jogging bottoms and a long sleeve top. Josh was the first to greet him, having stood outside in case anything happened.

"What do you want to do now?" Josh asked.

"I want you guys to leave me alone," Ethan grumbled, walking to his room.

"Well, I was thinking about watching a movie or something?" Josh replied, completely dismissing Ethan's idea.

Ethan ignored his friend and sat on his bed. Throwing his towel into the laundry basket. He stayed silent and started searching through his drawers.

"What are you looking for?" Josh asked.

"My fags." Ethan sighed.

"I hid them," JJ answered, shrugging slightly.

"Why the fuck would you do that?" Ethan asked. "For fuck sake." Ethan slammed one if his draws shut. "I need them."

"You don't need them," JJ argued. "You need something else, those fags are gonna kill you."

"So?" Ethan growled. JJ and Josh were left speechless as Ethan ran out of the room to search the rest of the flat.

"What are you looking for?" Harry asked as Ethan looked in the cupboards.

"My cigs," Ethan answered briefly as he came up empty.

Harry let out a small, 'oh' and Ethan continued to search. Ethan's hands started shaking as he urged for a cigarette.

"You don't need them, Ethan," Simon explained.

"You just need to try and calm down. Let us help. You're going through a rough patch and that's okay, let us help." Tobi said softly. Ethan huffed out and breath and turned to face the friends.

"Please, Ethan." Vik pleaded.

"Don't any of you fucking understand?" Ethan yelled, his depression causing frustration and anger. "No, you don't. So fuck off and leave me alone."

"Not whilst you're like this," Simon exclaimed.

"Can't you just leave me alone?" Ethan begged. "Please, I'm fine by myself."

"Ethan, it's okay to admit you're not okay." JJ took a step forward causing Ethan to take a step back to avoid contact.

"Go." Ethan pleaded, eyes watering with tears. He was trembling, close to a panic attack.

"Hey, Ethan. It's okay." Josh tried to ground Ethan, calling him by his name. He stepped forward and Ethan pushed himself against the counter. He slid down the counter and placed his hands on either side of his head.

Panic was clawing at his throat and Ethan couldn't focus on anything, he started scratching at his arms, hard enough that red lines were becoming noticeable. Fast-paced breaths escaped Ethan as his scratches didn't calm him, he started to punch at his head, angry for being so weak and he just wanted to go back to normal. He couldn't breathe. He didn't want to let anyone down and yet here he was crying like a baby.

He was shaking, crying. He couldn't focus on anything, he continued to punch his head harder, as he sobbed. He couldn't breathe. Why couldn't he breathe? His breaths escalated, shallow breathes escaped him, unable to focus on taking proper deep breaths. The men watched in agony not knowing how to help their friend. Josh made the first move.

"Ethan?" Josh touched Ethan's arm lightly. Ethan immediately retaliated and threw his arm out, punching Josh on the cheek.

Josh fell back.

It was like Ethan could suddenly see what was happening. He looked down at his fists and then at his friend who was now being looked after by Tobi and JJ. Ethan let out a 'sorry' before running into his room and locking the door.

"Fuck, I'm so, so, sorry." Ethan sobbed, hands covering his eyes.

He backed away from the door and sat on the bed, calming himself down. Ethan eventually calmed down and heard knocking on the door.

"Ethan. Can I come in?" It was from Josh.

"No," Ethan muttered.

"Please?" Josh continued to beg.

"I hurt you, Josh. What kind of friend am I? I'm horrible." Ethan mumbled.

"What if I hurt you again?"

"You didn't hit that hard, Ethan. It barely hurt. You were scared, Ethan. It's okay." Josh smiled.

"Is it?" Ethan asked. "All I wanted my fucking cigs and yet I hurt you instead."

Ethan heard some shuffling outside the door and finally accepted that his friend had left as he deserved.

There was a knock at his door and Ethan stood up and wobbly walked to the door and unlocked it. He poked his head through and saw Josh holding out a packet of cigarettes.

"As much as I hate it." Josh frowned. "You can quit but I know it's hard. I'll give you time and we can work on that together but you need to focus on getting mentally better before quitting."

Ethan nodded and took the packet of cigarettes and the lighter. He walked out and thanked Josh quietly. He made his way to the balcony and kept his head low as he walked past his friends, ashamed and embarrassed.

He took out a fag and started smoking. He watched as cars drove past and the boats in the Thames. He often thought about how much it would hurt if he jumped off the balcony or if he drowned himself in the Thames. He quickly finished the cigarette and realised he had nowhere to put it out. Before he crushed it on the floor or put it out in his sink, he rolled up his sleeve and pressed the cigarette against his arm, allowing the burning sensation to take over him. He took a sharp intake of breath before throwing the cigarette on the floor and crushing it under his foot.

He walked back inside the flat and looked at his friends who sat on his sofa.

"Did you hurt yourself with the cigarette?" Vik asked.

"I'm sorry," Ethan whispered before sobbing.

The men frowned at their friend, emotional at the idea of their friend hurting himself.

"I just hate myself so much. I deserve so what's the point?" Ethan shrugged.

"Why are you worried? All I do is bring you down."

"Ethan, you do not bring us down, at all. We love you so much more than what you could imagine." Simon smiled.

"If I died, the sun would still rise, the channel would still exist, people would continue living. It wouldn't change anything. I am insignificant." Ethan explained. "I hate everything about myself."

"You're acting as though we would still upload on the Sidemen channel if you died," Tobi said.

"Why wouldn't you?" Ethan asked.

"Because it wouldn't be the same." JJ immediately interrupted. "You say that everything would stay the same but it wouldn't. We would all be heartbroken, your viewers would be heartbroken. What about your mum, huh? How would we have to explain that to her? You've said it yourself, she's already lost so much."

"But I deserve it, Jide," Ethan whispered. "That's the difference between you guys and me. You guys help people and solve problems, I am the problem."

"You are not a problem, and I can promise you that," Vik whispered. "Yes, you can cause problems but so do all of us, we're human. But, you are not the sole problem."

"If you were we would tell you," Harry said honestly.

"I want to die, guys and I don't think you realise that," Ethan whispered sadly.

"We can get you professional help, and we can help," Tobi said. "You aren't alone, Ethan."

"Just tell us one thing that is bothering you," Josh suggested. "We can help you solve that problem and work with you on it."

Ethan bit his lip and wrapped his arms around his torso, quickly becoming aware of each one of his insecurities. He thought over every single one of his insecurities and chose the one he knew his friends could agree with.

"I hate the way I look." He whispered. "I look in the mirror and I feel like I could throw up."

"What specifically?" Simon asked.

"I don't like how much skin I have. I'm still fat, my face is ugly. My smile is annoying. My nose is crooked and I have such boring eyes. My legs are an awful shape and my arms are so awkward that I've started covering them with tattoos."

His friends all felt sadness run over them at the idea that Ethan pointed out all insecurities one person could have.

"You aren't fat, mate," JJ stated firmly. "You've made so much progress from what you did look like."

"I look in the mirror and I still look like what I did three years ago," Ethan growled. "I'm still the fat kid who doesn't have any other personality trait apart from the fact that I'm fat."

Josh frowned at his friend. "I get it. I didn't have as big as a transformation as you but to fat kid from the other fat kid, I get it. Sometimes, you look in the mirror and you feel like you've made no progress at all, or too little progress. But I promise you that you should feel proud of the progress you've made now."

Everyone looked at the two friends, all of them had been relatively fit all their life or when they did gain weight, it didn't affect them. They never clicked how much someone could hate themselves even after as big of a transformation.

"Ethan, can't you see how much you've changed?" Tobi asked and, as he was pretty fit all his life, he had a fast metabolism, and he would never fully grasp the idea of not liking any mind-blowing changes that you make to yourself.

"It's not enough, the skin is still hanging off me. Every time I look in the mirror, I see the fat guy I've been for the past ten years." Ethan sighed. "It makes me want to vomit. How could I let myself become so disgusting? I'll never be good enough."

"You're good enough no matter what size," Simon affirmed. "No matter what you look like. As long as you stay true to yourself I don't care."

Ethan rolled his eyes and stayed silent, he couldn't be bothered to argue back. What was the point? All he does is ruin every situation so why should he argue again?

"I think you're handsome," Harry said honestly. "You're the most handsome one out of all of us."

Ethan ignored his friend's comment, unable to understand how his friends could perceive him in any way that wasn't a horrible and gross man.

"Can we stop talking about it please?" Ethan whispered, tired eyes watching his friends. They all nodded softly.

The group all started doing more activities with Ethan, eager to show their support during hard times. Simon would go to Ethan's flat and help him clean up. After Ethan had mentioned to the lads that sometimes he couldn't find the energy to do anything and that life seemed to go by faster then he was aware of, Simon decided that every Monday and Thursday, he would help Ethan out with basic chores. Ethan insisted that he didn't have to clean up but seeing his friend so enthusiastic about cleaning wasn't something he wanted to ruin. A weight was lifted off his chest when he realised that he didn't have to live in a dirty environment due to the fact he couldn't find any energy to clean because Simon was there to help.

"You don't have to clean after me, Si."

"I enjoy it though! It helps you out and I like doing it. It's fine honestly."

JJ encouraged Ethan to go to the gym with him. It started twice a week because Ethan wouldn't get out of bed otherwise. It started with JJ encouraging Ethan to go on a run with him, and then into the private rooms of the gym, and then the normal gym. JJ let Ethan go at his own pace for things before slowly going faster and adding more to his workouts. JJ made sure to emphasise that it was okay that Ethan wasn't as good as him but that he should keep trying. Ethan felt a great sense of achievement every time JJ pointed something out that he did well. Ethan didn't tell JJ explicitly how much he helped but JJ knew, he always knew.

"Jide, I can't do it. I'm so weak compared to you."

"Mate you got to 70KGs. That's something to be proud of. You are not weak at all."

Josh showed up every few days and sorted out every one of Ethan's emails and business calls that Ethan couldn't find himself to sort out. Ethan got a lot of letters and emails from potential sponsors and his managers. Josh helped Ethan sort through them, taking business calls that Ethan got too much anxiety from. The two of them sat at the table as Ethan sorted out whether or not he wanted to get involved with sponsorships or how to reply. Ethan often told Josh that he was the best at organising and so Josh came forward to help him sort everything out. Ethan was usually relatively organised but he couldn't find it in himself to sort business stuff out. Josh pulled through with emails and helped Ethan sorting through his mail. Ethan would have been in a lot of shit if Josh hadn't helped, a weight was lifted off his shoulders.

"So GymShark want you to promote a few new items, I've had that be sorted to deliver for next Tuesday."

"Thank you, Josh, I couldn't do this without you."

Harry's way of helping as he came over to Ethan's flat he helped Ethan with some self-care. Both Harry and Ethan would sit on the sofa with facemasks and a movie on TV. Harry would order food and tell Ethan to have a bath. Harry and Ethan would sit on the sofa and, if Ethan wanted to, they would talk about whatever was on their minds. If not, they'd chat shit and Ethan would listen to Harry rant about something stupid. Ethan would smile and feel all his worrying thoughts float away as he listened to the younger rant about whatever he wanted.

"And then she said I was being ridiculous, can you believe that?"

"Careful, Harry, you're smudging the facemask."

Vik often asked Ethan to go out with him. Whether it was shopping for groceries or just for a walk, Vik always offered for Ethan to come along. And if Ethan didn't want to, Vik would pick up the usual shopping for him, supplying him with necessities. Ethan would try and use the items that Vik brought but when Ethan couldn't find the energy to get out of bed, Vik would come round and cook him food. On other days, Ethan would go out with Vik on small days out to the aquarium or zoo. Although it wasn't his kind of day out, hearing Vik talk about his week grounded Ethan in a way he couldn't describe.

"I got a few videos edited yesterday so I'm ahead of schedule if you need any help."

"I'd appreciate the help, Vik, thank you."

Compliments were where Tobi shined. He would send daily compliments to Ethan and, when they saw each other in person, he would compliment Ethan more. Although the other's did compliment Ethan, Tobi went out of his way to come up with something original every time and think outside the box. It started with small things, an outfit or video idea, and then snowballed into much more. Tobi would compliment the way Ethan held himself or a personality trait Ethan had. He would also hype him up on social posting pictures of the two of them with heartfelt captions and compliments.

"I love the way you see things, gives us a better perspective."

"You think so, Tobi?"

The fans were confused with the sudden appreciation for Ethan going around on social media. Ethan felt loved by his friends which were a big change in his original depressed thoughts. Depression didn't leave hi straight away and it wouldn't ever but his friends helped him out of most depressed holes that came his way. Ethan wouldn't get better overnight and they knew that, so each day they would remind him how precious he is and he was worth it. And, after a while, Ethan started to believe it too.

#ethan payne #behzinga #sidemen #behzinga centic #ethan payne centric #ethan payne imagine #ethan payne fanfiction #ethan payne x reader #behzinga fanfiction #behzinga imagine #behzinga x reader #sidemen fanfiction

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proflongbttm · 5 years

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Tutor (Neville Longbottom x Slytherin! Reader)

Chapter 2

Chapter 1

Notes: I had lot of fun writing this chapter! I hope you all enjoy, again requests are still open! @okaymalfcy

Word count: 3,120 (wOopS)

You and Neville left Professor Sprouts class in a swift walk, you were both well aware Snape wouldn't be at all happy that you two were late for his class. It was like torture for any gryffindor. Especially Neville,

who he took additional joy in terrorizing. Neville has probably lost more points for gryffindor in that class then any gryffindor had in their entire life, including Harry Potter.

You both walked down the cold and drafty halls beside each other, every so often a chill would run down your spine. The only noise came from both of your brisk footfalls and from the harsh, bitter winds outside, with books in arms you walked without saying a word. A few times Neville opened his mouth and looked at you like he was about to say something, but decided against it.

The near silence of the hall was ruined by the sudden noise of another pair of footsteps, they were a lot heavier and slower then you and Nevilles, the loud walkers came into sight when they turned the corner ahead of you. The two were tall, but also quite large and bulky, they wore slytherin robes that were filled with pastries at the pockets and they sauntered down the hall like they owned the school as they snickered to each other. Crabbe and Goyle. Surprisingly there was no sign of Draco Malfoy with them. Not that you were complaining.

You looked up at Neville's face, he watched the two large boys approach him with furrowed brows and his lips formed a striaght line. The smallest bead of sweat roll down his freckled face, it was like he was waiting for them to make some surprising grand gesture, like explode maybe. ‘If they kept eating they way they did, they won't be too far off of it’ you thought. Neville looked nervous, much more nervous than he always did, which was saying something. He rubbed his clammy palms against his robe while you both continued to walk at your steady pace towards potions class and towards the two towering torments.

"Not them, not now" Neville spoke to himself so quiet you just barely heard him. He already had a pit of worry in his stomach from just thinking about the horror of potions class, he didn't need these two torturing him to add to his anxiousness.

You were hoping the two would just pass by peacefully, maybe they were feeling kind or something, but you but knew that wasn't going to happen. They could never just leave Neville alone. He was too quiet to stand up to them, he was an easy target. But you were not.

The two parted from each other, meters away from you , and had a wicked grin on their faces, they made a small gap in between them, almost big enough to walk in between, them but not quite. When they approached they roughly slammed each of their shoulders into Nevilles with the force of a small troll, sending the nervous boy onto his back with a yelp and a thud, his head whipped off the ground. That was going to hurt.

When he fell he threw his books into the air, sheets flew far from the books and they all flew in different directions, they floated to the ground like large pieces of confetti at a party and gently landed all around you while the books landed with a heavy thud, much like Neville did.

“Watch where you're going longbottom.” The two teased together. Their vile tones matched their faces,which were plastered with evil grins.

The two did nothing but snicker and give a nasty look to you while they walked away triumphantly. You clenched fists trembled and your teeth gritted together hard enough to crush a rock. Fuck that, fuck them.

Your narrowed eyes shot to Neville, who groaned in pain as he held himself up with one arm, the other held the back of his head where it hit off of the ground; then they shot back to the large boys, who hadn't gotten to far as of yet with their slow saunter, still snickering to each other. Your blood was practically boiling. Your hand reached for your wand in your pocket like it were a pistol in its holster in an old western movie, you swiftly drew it out and pointed it at Crabbe and Goyle's large feet. You then did something very stupid, something you knew would only end up getting you into trouble, but you didn't care. You whipped your wand in a circular motion and a small red spark darted from your wand and caught their ankles. On contact the spark crackled like a firework and the two boys lost their balance. Their knees wobbled like they were made of jelly for only a second before falling flat on their faces with a loud thump, their thump were much louder then Neville’s, because both boys were much, much heavier.

They laid on the floor and whined dramatically and loudly, like two children who had fallen in a playground. You lowered your wand and reached your arm out to Neville to pull him up onto his feet. His hand was still held on the back of his head after he dusted himself off.

Suddenly, loud and quick footsteps could be heard , looks like Crabbe and Goyles baby whining had attracted someone's attention. A second later, Professor Mcgonagal sped around the corner and froze. Oh shit. You sighed, and in sync you and Neville turned to each other, Neville looked like a deer in the headlights. She took one look at the layer of littered sheets and books surrounding you then looked further to end of the hall to see Crabbe and Goygle rolling on the ground, holding their ankles while wailing in pain. You still had your wand in your hand, it was too late to put it away now. Then she was looking at you and Neville. Well, there goes your perfect track record.

“What in merlin's name is going on here!? Why are the two of you not in class!?" She questioned in a stern tone. Glaring at both of you with her large, angry looking eyes.

Your eyes were set onto the floor like a pair of weights and you took a step forward after a few seconds of silence. You calmed yourself and took a deep breath.

"It was my fault professor, I was very stupid and didn't think about what I was doing"

Your eyes slowly looked up to her as you waited for a response.

"That is still not an answer to my question Miss Y/S/N. I hope I do not have to repeat myself when you explain what happened in my office, but first, you and Mr. Longbottom will clean up this mess while I bring these boys to the infirmary, when I get back this hall better be spick and span, is that understood?" Her eyes still glared at the two of you, all you could both manage to say was "yes miss." before she left.

Once the hall was empty you both quickly began to pick up sheets from the floor and put them where they belonged. Neville stopped and looked at you.

"You didn't have to do that y'know. Stand up for me, I'm used to it by now. "

You continued to pick up sheets as you spoke.

"I know, but i've been waiting to do that since the day I got here though, they're so rude, and they eat all the good apple tarts! So really they had it coming, maybe now they'll know better."

"It was a bloody good spell by the way."

"Thanks Neville" you flashed a smile at him them continued to work

Neville smiled and went back to picking up the pieces of paper in his arms, humming to himself softly.

"How's your head? " you asked, trying to break the silence still picking up and sorting sheets.

He rubbed where his head had hit the ground and winced quietly

"Still sore, but id say I'll be okay in an hour or two. It's become pretty resilient at this point." You both giggled, you did feel bad that his head had to be resilient in the first place. You'd pay 50 galleons to wipe the smile from Malfoy's face for every time he thought he was hilarious by messing with Neville. Or anyone for that matter.

It took you both at least half an hour before you finished, there was still no sign of Professor McGonagall yet.

You both stood in silence awkwardly before your legs started to ache so you sat on the floor against the cold corridor wall.

You looked up at Neville and smiled before saying,

"I'm sorry about this whole tutoring situation, I'm sure you've got much better things to do"

You did feel bad about it, and still quite embarrassed to be honest..

"Oh it's no problem, really. Herbology's easy once you get the hang of it, plus I was wondering, cause I've seen you in potions and you're really good, a lot better than me anyway-" he chuckled a bit and scratched the back of his neck remembering when the class had to evacuate because the fumes from his potion were so potent. "- and I was wondering could you help me with that if I help you with herbology? That way we’re even." He started to bite his nails, gazing up at you with his puppy dog brown eyes while he waited for your response, hoping you would say yes.

"Sounds like a deal to me Longbottom."

You were flattered by Nevilles kind words, it was shown in your face by the light link shade your cheeks were dusted with. For all the effort and hard work you put into school it was very rarely praised or acknowledged, though you were equally as good as other students, who often got complimented on their skills, yours went undetected, skimmed across and ignored. That was until now. They were just noticed, and praised. Thank you Neville. You thought to yourself.

You picked yourself up from the wall at the sight of professor Mcgonagall returning, she looked just as angry as she did before, she signaled for you two to follow her, and you did. Once you arrived at her office, you told her the whole story, and lost slytherin 40 points for your ‘reckless and impulsive behavior’ and landed yourself in detention tomorrow.

You couldn't wait for your house mates to hear about that one. You thought you lose more but seeing as it was 'an act of self defense' it was only 40, though that was still more than you wanted it to be. What was worse than losing the points is that you also disappointed Professor Mcgonagall which is what hurt you more. You had no real friends, your now tainted reputation with the teachers really mattered to you. You were a grade A slytherin student after all.

While this was going on Neville just sat in silence, agreeing as you told the story. He did ask the professor to lower the amount of points you lost, saying he should have been watching where he was going.

"Mr Longbottom I highly recommend you stay quiet unless you want to join Ms. Y/L/N in detention tomorrow."

"B-but professor-"

"That is enough Mr. Longbottom."

By the time the professor gave you permission to leave it was almost dinner time. You usually spent this time in the library with your nose buried in a book, usually about potions. It was much more welcoming than your house table, plus the books never called you "filthy mudblood" like malfoy loved to do.

The corridors were crowded with different students filling the hall with loud chatter and laughter. You and Neville walked side by side.

"I'm sorry you got in trouble, this is all my fault" His eyes were fixed on the ground and his voice had a mixture of sadness and guilt to it.

"Hey no need to apologize" you elbowed him playfully with a smile on your face, which transferred to his face when he looked at you. "Its what us slytherins do best."

"I mean, gryffindor isn't really known for staying out of trouble either, especially with Harry around" He joked.

You both chuckled while you dodged between the older and younger students, like a forest covered in tall and small trees. You wandered the halls with no destination in mind.

"I mean we've got Draco Malfoy, I don't think it can get much worse than that."

"That's fair. "

You chuckled together and continued to converse, about your houses, what it was like in each of them, how different they were. He told you about a wizard in Nepal, who is growing Gravity resistant trees, you thought it was all very interesting, you could see in his eyes just how passionate he was about the subject, his eyes would light up like christmas trees while he spoke about it. Very few people wanted to listen to him talk about it, they usually asked him to stop by now so when you asked him to continue, he didn't know what to do other than smile widely and tell you about goes one day he'd love to go and see them, but his grandma said they couldn't afford it. His love for the subject was one of the most endearing things, you grinned the whole way through his bumbling.

You told him about how people have been trying to use bravery and kindness potions to get into different Hogwarts houses, and how miserably they failed, one potion made someone about to brave, they went to the forbidden forest to show off , and still haven't come out. “Bloody hell, I mean i'd love potion to make me brave, but not that much,” he added

“You are brave Neville, you tried to bargain with Professor Mcgonaggle for godrics sake, if that's not brave i don't know what is.”

“But it didn't work though, you still lost 40 points cause of me.”

“Being brave doesn't mean your ideas work Neville, it means you realise theres a chance they won't but you try them anyway, it was my fault really, I shouldn't have lost my senses. But you stood up for me Neville, that's real bravery.”

“It's the least I could have done for you taking the bloody ankles off Crabbe and Goyle for me, did you see there faces?!”

You both aimlessly walked through the corridors together while you talked, you looked down at your watch and gasped in shock as you seen the time. It didn't feel like you had been talking for that long at all.

"Merlin! Is it that late already!? Neville we better get going to the dining hall, dinners almost over! "

You looked around you, you had spent so much time talking you wouldn't even recognise where you were, you had been walking and talking for so long you didn't know where you had gotten yours too, You both began to retrace your steps as you ran down not populated the corridors you took a few wrong turns, delaying you both even further. You felt your stomach grumble while the cold air around the school hit your face . After what felt like a lifetime, you finally found yourselves in front of the giant oak doors, you both stopped and hunched over to catch your breath. Both of you seemed to be equally as unfit as each other, both of you wheezing and gasping for breath. Not to mention how your legs ached from all the walking. You never realised how big Hogwarts was until now, no wonder that girl from first year still hasn't been found yet.

Once you were able to control your breathing again you pushed open the heavy, creaking door open and you walked in together, still panting quietly. The hall was loud with cheering and talking from all the tables as they ate their food. You had made it. When you entered it quieted down. Loud conversations turned into hushed discussions amongst the gryffindor and slytherin tables. Hufflepuff and ravenclaw continued their conversations as normal, not even noticing you two. Groups of eyes from both the gryffindor and slytherin table set themselves onto you both. You looked at Neville with a nervous smile, he looked to you with the same expression. Soon you and Neville were ready to part ways to your respected house table; your table was already whispering about you while giving sly and disgusted looks your way, seems like they know about what happened, and all the points you lost them. Looks likes gryffindor knew too, they were whispering just as much. Though the looks they gave you and Neville was a lot less cruel and piercing . This was not going to be fun for you.

Before the two of you parted you arranged to meet in the library tomorrow afternoon, after your detention to study together. You said goodbye to each other with a smile and a wave. When you approached your table nobody moved, you walked to the end where very few people were sitting. They continued to stare and whisper, you wondered what they were saying, but at the same time, you didn't want to know. Some even got up and moved away from you to another part of the long table, they fled like you had some infectious disease they were afraid to get. They did know you didn't kill Crabbe and Goyle right? Because their looks could pass for the ones you'd give a magical murderer . You were a mudblood not a monster. Slytherins were always ones for dramatics.

You watched Neville walk over to his table. His experience was very different to yours. All the gryffindors welcomed Neville with friendly and curious expressions, wanting to hear all about what happened today; two of them, who you recognized to be Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas , quickly parted to give him somewhere to sit as they bombarded him with questions, to be fair it was mainly the weasley twins asking the questions, it was also one of the weasley twins who whistled and teased him about coming in with you, which turned your cheeks a light pink and tugged your mouth into a smile. You wish you had that relationship with your house, that lovely friendship. But you were here as normal, on the outside looking in through the glass. On the bright side, you made a friend today , finally. You made a friend. And his name was Neville Longbottom.

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fit-iced-coffee · 3 years

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Eating is so embarrassing when you're fat.

#edblr #proana #tw #ed #vent #well at least I'll lose more weight if I'm too embarrassed to eat #Meanspo

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txicgf · 3 years

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it's weird... somehow im both the worst and best ive ever been, it is ... definitely an experience.

because of the deep existential crisis that's been going on since may, and the eating disorder , ive forced myself into healthy habits, fuck, i've lost fifty pounds - im not the lapdog of a girl who isn't interested, in fact i have something good going on im NOT fucking up for once - but at the same time i know if it didn't work out and we were still friends I'd be completely fine. im somehow completely secure in myself --- im working on trying to stop performing for everyone and myself all the time, i deleted more than half my social media (everything except Twitter+here+snap[notifs off at all times tho]+YouTube), i don't really give a shit about any of the people i used to be so preoccupied with worrying about, and i sure as hell don't give a shit about what about me is cringe. im just happy as i am y'know? and sure ,,,, the eating disorder stuff ISNT the best, but honestly it's my form of loving myself right now, every day in a calorie deficit big enough I'm getting closer to the person that little me would have wanted to grow up into. i don't care what i have to do, i just want to be someone i WANT to be, instead of who i am now. i know maybe that isnt the right reason, and most of me taking care of myself now is partially (if not mostly) born out of self loathing. but i don't have the energy to sit around crying about how meaningless it all is, if im going to die at 30 or 130, i can't afford to waste how little time i do have by letting my own pain stop me. and honestly, if i am gonna kill myself soon, i wanna at least enjoy what little time i got left right? and all of this has culminated into. things being good. im happy, i have energy , im not as preoccupied with the world and i spend about 80 billion hours a day (yes that's math) watching gossip girl, and once i finish gossip girl and my new anime im going to go to either pretty little liars or vampire diaries.

what I'm TRYINF to say is that im okay, and im secure in myself despite being so ,,,,, not .

which leads to the 'im the worst I've ever been', aka my anxiety won't shut the fuck up, i have disordered eating patterns, 45% of my thoughts throughout the day are just about my own death or how the world is going to end and my paranoia is at an all time high, as well as the fact that because im so much more secure in myself I'm a lot more insecure just in other ways, and i sound like a nasty bitch naturally because i have a little more confidence, but at the same time absolutely none and actually LESS than before. I've lost all this weight and yet i feel fatter than when i started. and amber tells me to stop all this ed stuff sometime but genuinely i don't want to nor can i. i hate to say it but the thing that IS keeping me together rn i think is my disordered eating. counting calories kind of is my comfort and THAT im embarrassed about.

maybe im not more secure in myself i just don't feel as strongly about other things because i know i'll be okay as long as im losing weight ,,,

GOD I AM ONE OF THOSE ED BITCHES HUH

idk. it's like im secure in who i am, for the most part - in the sense of what i like, my past actions and how i feel about others and the world around me, just not....... how i look or sound or act or come off to others.

i wish i could disappear in that sense, and that need for anonymity is really driving me to work on myself too i think. forget and be forgotten by the people I've caused trouble for. just move on with my life and be nothing more than a faint memory you can't pinpoint exactly (but it's at the tip of your tongue). if i am just 1 in 8 billion people, and a LOT LOT LOT more people over literally the entirety of existence? i don't even really exist, to be honest. my experience is,,,,, just my experience.

i get that that's literally such a dumb and obvious concept but,,,, it's weird. and emotional for me , to admit my existence is just mine i guess. my life, that i can do whatever i want to cater to my happiness, because i don't have any other one left and im not going to be remembered - why not exploit the shit out of it and stop wasting the only story i can tell myself when i die, whenever that is?

bur at the same time, all of these thoughts fucking terrify me? it's so lonely being a person, even lonelier than it is being a kid. i have to get used to my own head some day, im just lucky enough to be so self centered I like the sound of my own thoughts ...

i don't know... my whole body is screaming at me all the time that something is wrong, im deep into eating disorder and my empathy is still out of wack and even the slightest emotion from anything makes me cry, and i know im still performing in some way but. im performing for myself,,, ykno ? no one else anymore. im really, really tired of performing for everyone i come across, and i think im happy away from those feelings.

i never knew just living for yourself would be okay, but im doing it. even if it's partially out of self hate and fear lmao, im just happy to just exist right where i am, and work on myself.

if im gonna kill myself at 27, i at least should put up a fight right?

when Mitski said :

'I work better under a deadline

I pick an age when I'm gonna disappear

Till then I can try again

Until then I can try again'

i felt that shit so hard. god.

#vent #but its happy #kind of?

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