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#we've reached the point where depression is power
rikamae · 5 months
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I understand now. I understand all of it.
All those times politicians claimed something was "too complicated" "not that simple" "we don't have the money" it's all lies to keep us complacent.
They did it about the situation is Israel. "It's too complicated" everyone said. It didn't look complicated when I did my own research, away from those shitty think pieces talking down to me. Israel was a state built off the blood of Palestinians, and they simply do not want you to think about it. Because there is oil in the middle east and Israel is our only "Ally"
Wow, so complicated! The complicated part being that our media is tricking us into thinking this is so complex so they can be evil in plain sight: yes, so complicated of a situation!!
And today I wake up to find that the House of Representatives (the lowest level of US government) has passed a bill offering 14 billion to Israel! It will go to the Senate to vote. Wow, billion with a B huh? I got a question for you.
Where the fuck did we get enough money to fund genocide? Where the hell was all this money when it comes to supporting the Americans you politicians claim to be representing? Where was this money for free college, universal Healthcare, covid precautions, the climate crisis??
"It's just too complicated! You'll make us do cuts on other programs! You'll make us raise taxes!! Think of the taxes!!!"
Then where did this money come from? Oh, the IRS, the fucking company that handles our taxes??? Yeah????? That was an option? Why wasn't it an option before but it is now? Were they over funded and we just didn't notice until now? Or are you taking advantage of the situation to cut funding to another service you hate?? The point being: if they really want something, they can find the fucking money. They haven't because they don't want to.
It's never been complicated. It's their job to move money around. It's their fucking job to raise our taxes and provide for us, but the only people they truly represent are the ones filling their pockets with lobby money. They could have done this long ago, given us what we've been demanding, but they coddled us and said it was too complicated and our baby brains couldn't handle it. And God forbid you be a woman!! That means you're double unable to understand!
Enough. Fucking enough. Every year congress votes to increase their wages and refuses to raise our minimum wage. Every year they take advantage of their medical insurance and benefits they get for "representing" us when nearly every adult I know is left to suffer with their conditions: untreated sicknesses, chronic conditions, the depression that looms over us because we live in the most wealthy country in the world but we can't make ends meet and our government is more concern with funding armies that feeding and housing us
Politics was never complicated. They just told us it was. To shut us up. To make us feel young and idealistic and stupid. And we fell for it. And now evil is moving through the wills of our leaders IN OUR FUCKING NAMES to support a genocide in the middle east. Their only crime was being born on that land. Their only crime is being Arab. That's not a fucking crime.
Our system isn't complicated. It's working as intended. Keep the people blind and claim that it's too hard, leave all the details to them. But we are smarter than they are. We are informed. The world is connected like never before and I refuse to let their propaganda ever reach me again.
Hold them accountable. Know their names. Write it in the history books. Let their legacy be known to the end of times.
Be loud about your anger. Go to protests. Write your reps to tell them your vote is on the line. And for God's sake vote in the damned elections!
THE IDEA THAT YOUR VOTE DOESN'T MATTER IS PROPOGANDA. THEY WANT YOU TO FEEL USELESS. THEY WANT YOU TO GIVE UP SO THEY STAY IN POWER.
They want you to think it's complicated. It never has been. Be loud. Vote. Use your right to protest. Use your right to free speech. Use your right to petition. Next Tuesday is election day. Make it fucking count.
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this isn’t even a pro/anti discourse thing but have you noticed where people tend to…disown things they were into in the past like it was a cringe phase never to be spoken of again? it’s not a new phenomenon ofc, everyone thinks they were cringe to some extent when they were younger, but it sometimes seems strange when applied to fandom stuff — I guess because it seems like fandoms have much shorter staying power lately so the turnover when something is considered “old/cringe/etc” is much quicker. as someone who accidentally gets into things years after they peak and well after everyone has moved on, I see it a lot, even from people who are otherwise SALS/pro
I have noticed! I agree, I firmly believe we should destroy cringe culture in every possible way. Frankly we've reached a point as a society where someone getting joy from some thing, any thing, big or small, is to be celebrated, because we're so inundated with bad and depressing news all the time. Let people find happiness in things, even if it seems weird or goofy. Freaky, disturbing (like, say, people who shit on hobby taxidermists - IT IS A VALID CRAFT DARN IT), embarrassing, whatever. Let people enjoy it.
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gofancyninjaworld · 1 year
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Some more thoughts on 'Morality Pets Redux'
Link to original post.
ONE still blows me away by how clearly he differentiates between manga and webcomic. There's a tradeoff that he respects: if the webcomic is short, sharp and to the point, then the characters have limitations in how they can interact, try things out, and grow. Conversely, if the manga is long to the point that it can take a long time for it to get to some sort of point, the characters have more scope to find themselves. He treats both versions with respect and if there's no scope for characters to change themselves, then they don't. Which is why we have two great stories to read! :D
There's no point in Tatsumaki changing in the webcomic because there's no one willing to have her in their lives. She's been so toxic that all Fubuki wants is to be left the hell alone, and even Saitama's gone 'eh, I've lost all interest' after she rebuffs his attempts to reach out very rudely. She notes that she ends up driving everyone away, but she's far from actually accepting that she needs to change. Tatsumaki in the manga has positive reasons to change -- she has a sister who wants to get along better with her. Doing so means accepting both her and the people around her, even if it's difficult and there are legitimate challenges. It's a hard pill to swallow but she's trying.
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I really appreciate the difference between regretting the consequences of one's actions and being prepared to change one's actions. So human. If feeling bad about our actions was enough to change them, there'd be no anti-addiction or dieting services, counselling would be rare, and prisons would be all but empty.
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In both versions, Genos is the guy who wants ultimate destructive power and is willing to even kill himself if it'll take enemies to Hell with him. However, for a guy who is so committed to destruction, it's striking that he's cut to the quick when Sonic taunts him saying that he can't protect anyone.
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There's no scope to explore this seeming contradiction in the webcomic. We need to accept that hey, he has places where he won't go and that's fine. The manga has more space, so ONE can dig into the protect vs. destroy issue and have him have to make decisions about what he actually values. The despair that lanced through him when victory slipped through his grasp when fighting Elder Centipede says so much about what matters:
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Something @carma-tjol said in their tags really added a lot to my understanding: they pointed to the link between Genos seeing himself as having value and changing his outlook on heroes from assets to people. It added so much salience to Fubuki refusing to run away and risking her life to save him because she didn't abandon her people. She really challenged his outlook.
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I like that he's still wrestling with himself after the fact. Had King not come when he did, it'd have been a lose-lose situation: Tatsumaki would be dead anyway and the monsters would be free to rampage over the land and kill millions. He needed to hear Saitama telling him he'd done right to feel a sense of peace. It's very human -- it's hard not to look back even when we see that we've made the right choice.
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Come to that, there was something that we'd (okay me and the small sharing circle of mutuals who talk too much about Genos) had been fearing: that Saitama would just note that Genos was broken again, the way he had in the webcomic. Remember this thread? It very nearly came to pass but for King intervening and vouching for Genos so that Saitama had to change the way he saw his disciple. Thank goodness.
If King hadn't been there, because Genos is actively questioning himself, the outcome of Saitama seeming to be dismissive wouldn't have been mere depression. It'd have been total despair. What Genos would have heard is that he's weak and lacked the guts to follow through on his committment to destroy enemies even if it meant killing himself. Talk about a tragic misunderstanding! Blessedly, ONE meters his angst -- it doesn't do to crush all your character's hope in one go.
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animehouse-moe · 11 months
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Mobile Suit Gundam - The Witch From Mercury Season 2 Episode 2: Father and Child
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It seems that this is the episode where the real Gundam begins. Death and destruction, senseless violence that consumes everything under the guise of politics. There's certainly quite a lot to go through.
Out of the 3 episodes we've gotten in this new season, this one has been the best. I'd still say there's heavy handed pieces that mostly reside with Norea Du Noc and the rest of the characters aboard Astsacassia, but outside of that we're treated to some really great content.
And unironically? In the short amount of time that Guel's been given on screen, he's done more than his share to prove that he's an incredibly well written character. His desire to please his father, the breakdown of his character and ego, and a reset that gives him his direction. He gets very little time, but makes the absolute most use of it possible, and it's on display with this episode
He's a shell of a person, haunted by patricide, unable to even eat when faced with his reality. It doesn't matter that he's a prisoner, nor that he's only worth as much as the Benerit Group makes him out to be. He's consume in sorrow by his actions, which is placed eloquently against a young girl in the compound whose father also died at Plant Quetta.
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It strikes a very strong chord in grounding Guel as still a child, and uses this little girl to express the emotions that he's unable to. Alongside that, it's an incredibly important piece about discussing the losers in violence. GWitch has very strongly spoken about that, to where both sides suffer loss that perpetuate the hatred and sorrow that deepens conflict. Here, we get shown it on the individual scale with a twist, which is what allows Guel to relate to the girl. Her father was stolen from her, but Guel took his himself, so he doesn't have hatred for Earthians in the way the girl does Spacians. Rather, Guel finds common ground in the girl's hatred and sorrow.
And that's what spurs him on, that relation to the young girl who lost her father and has nowhere else to reach out to. Through that, Guel's able to rebuild himself. Through guilt, he's able to stand tall. Through love, he's able to find a way to take that step forward. And even through uncertainty and sorrow and depression, he finds a reason to search for that light. This young girl had no one else, she had nowhere to turn to and was left to die. And in that, Guel saw himself. It wasn't pity, and it probably wasn't even a deeper connection. It was fear, desperation that rang out from his soul to try and save the girl that suffered a similar fate to him.
And what does he get for his deeds, his attempt to save someone in this world? More suffering.
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It's incredibly powerful and emotional, and rages in the face of war. Olcott has a mobile suit, he had a chance to get her the attention she needed to have a chance to survive. She was still alive. But he chose violence, he chose to sacrifice the girl's chance at life for his own opportunity of killing another. He couldn't live with the choices of his past so he cast away not only his own future, but that of those around him. He perpetuates his existence as a dog of war and violence and furthers the suffering of everyone.
But at the end, he's forced to realize his actions. A Spacian, a prisoner that was to be used as a bargaining chip, is the one that does all he can to save the young girl. He has no obligation, no real reason to do it, but he does so over the man that could have. And even at the end of it all, that prisoner refuses to let go of his past. He holds grief and love within the same hand, forcing himself to feel that pain so that he can still remember.
And that's about it from a story perspective. I think Norea is still too heavy-handed for my liking, but I can admit she at the very least gets the point across. Nika is great by comparison though, she just feels a little awkward aside Norea's performance. In the same breath, the few cuts we get of Shaddiq conversing with his father are pretty solid, but neglect the sort of childlike naivety that I think is important in pieces like that. In opposition to his father you get that he doesn't have the full or perfect picture, but Shaddiq himself is void of any arrogance or certainty that could drive such confidence and certainty in actions that serve to only tear things further apart. Maybe it's his aloof personality that doesn't allow those pieces through, but I feel like more could be done to shake his foundations a bit more than what they're at currently.
Now, world stuff? I appreciate the details that went in to the combat and work. The Benerit Groups security forces are well formed and thought out. There's several different types of mobile suits, and their space to ground descent concept is solid as well. Using a high powered glider to conserve energy and hasten transit is a solid idea in Earth gravity. In opposition though is the Earthians mobile suits. All the same design and with standard hardware, they're not kitted out for this specific type of conflict or anything like that, nor do they have a very strong commander or experience as a unit.
What I really love though is the differences we're given. The Earthians exclusively use bullet based weapons while the Spacians are able to use a bevvy of weapon types to overpower their enemies. It showcases the power structure between the two groups very well, forcing the Earthians into inferior and outdated mobile suits when up against the expensive and cutting edge ones of the Spacians.
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So following that, the combat? Yeah, it's got its "hype" moments and pieces that stretch the truth, but overall it's incredibly well laid out. The Earthians focus on Guerilla tactics while the Spacians operate in a tight formation on a battle plan. Decapitate the HQ and take up high ground positions to target the Earthians. Knowing they have inferior equipment, the Earthians are forced into a maneuver battle centered around their preparation at the factory. It's a rather textbook approach, if not for the excessiveness of the Earthians.
Do I discount the combat because of them? No, but I will say it's silly. Why would someone ever sacrifice a mobile suit for a Himars? It's the dumbest trade possible in the situation, and I really don't believe that "camaraderie" is what allowed it to take place, especially when the man that jumped in front of it had a family. To me, 100% an intentional writing decision to elicit an emotional response from viewers.
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At the end of it all, we're "in the Endgame now". The school setting has been shattered, influence reaches out to the ends of space and time as the threat of a Permet God looms and warfare breaks out between Earthians and Spacians. Everybody's a target, nobody's safe, and we still haven't seen Miorine and Suletta together in this second season. I still believe that the first two episodes rushed, but they rushed to get to a good spot so I'm not terribly concerned about it. Now that we're here though, I hope we get to spend a lot of time with it, there's a world of things to explore given what the first season teed up, and I want to hope that all of it gets executed upon. So yeah, now this is really a Gundam show.
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rimurutempest · 1 year
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Confession: I haven't watched any of @flanaganfilm's films.
I'm obsessed with the miniseries he's done & I could watch The Haunting series a thousand times & never get tired of them. I've been meaning to give Hush & Doctor Sleep a go & just keep missing the opportunity to 2-birds-one-stone them with my husband & my sister.
I'm waiting so patiently for The Fall of the House of Usher & I'm being SO NORMAL ABOUT IT.
I think the miniseries format has really worked fantastically well for him & allowed for some absolutely stunning, beautifully powerful storytelling. It's also, as we've seen with Midnight Club, a risky format when it's not self-contained to a single season.
Midnight Club was just another reason for me to abhor netflix. Another nail in their own coffin that will only drive people away from the service. Certainly can't blame Flanagan for jumping ship with the way they run creatives into the ground. I just don't know that Amazon will be much better. (Though it occurs to me now that maybe since the union was successful, it may be applicable, or could be expanded to cover creators & contract hires, etc, in media departments…🤔)
Anyway having only seen Mike Flanagan's miniseries work so far, I wrote up a response a while back to some peoples' complaints about Bly Manor. Specifically folks were complaining about the supposed use of the "bury your gays" trope - which I wholeheartedly disagree with. It's a long post in & of itself, so I won't get into the whole argument here. I just am so frustrated with people just…throwing that phrase around.
While we did lose the opportunity to see Midnight Club's 2nd season played out on screen with the wonderful cast we got to see spotlighted in the first season(all of whom were simply amazing & I hope I see more of them thriving in similarly awesome roles for a long time), we were given the gift of closure via Flanagan's tumblr blog.
The storyline for Spencer, his journey with AIDS & his eventual recovery & future outside Brightcliffe, surviving & carrying all of his friends' stories & love & dreams along with him…
I loved Theo & Trish in Hill House & that Trish was stubborn enough to out-stubborn one of the Cranes & convince Theo to tear down that wall & let her in. That they reached a point where their relationship could be healthy & stable. I don't believe the House got the rest of them, though I am indeed aware that it's up for interpretation. I reject that kind of bleak reading on principle.
My point here really, is that I have been so impressed with how much love has gone into each of these series. My point is that someone looking at something where a queer character dies & saying "this is bury your gays" shows a distinct lack of understanding of what that trope even is.
Dani & Jamie live out a domestic lesbian dream life together. They live. I don't know how to put this any more plainly for the folks that don't get it. They lived a life together & had their happy ending. & Then one of them died before the other. Because that happens in the real world.
You can take it at face value - Dani & Viola returned to the lake for reasons supernatural; Or you can take it as a metaphor, as a representation of depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. You can read it as a loved one struggling with mental illness & her partner helping her weather it for years. Yet even still sometimes we lose loved ones to such illnesses anyway.
Regardless, bury your gays is about robbing queer characters of their story. It's about denying them their opportunities to live out a lifetime the way cishet characters usually get to.
Flanagan has done a pretty excellent job so far of NOT doing that. Period. That's a truly significant part of what I love about his series, and why I'm so excited for more.
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rebelcourtesan · 2 years
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The Real Stolas
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I've been thinking a lot about how The Circus changed my feelings about Stolas. It showed many different sides to Stolas we haven't seen before: depression, abused, mocked, lonely, etc. He wasn't the smiling, flirty, royal owl introduced in the pilot. We've seen him angry, hurt, lost, humiliated, and heart broken.
I finally realized what it all culminated to. We were finally seeing the real Stolas.
The Stolas we thought we knew was flirty, lustful, spoiled, manipulative, arrogant, and demanding, but that was hiding what lie beneath the shell. We saw glimpses beneath the shell, spoke with Octavia at Loo Loo Land and was humiliated by Asmodeus in the Lust Ring.
Yet, the Circus shows us who he is from the beginning, when he was a little child excited about his birthday.
One thing I noticed about the episode it takes place in three stages, and in all three he reaches a milestone in his life.
When Stolas is a child, he learns his purpose in the Goetia Family, receives the Grimoire (a major plot device in Helluva Boss), and meets Blitzo.
Then we cut to his adult life, to the day he begins his sexual relationship with Blitz and discovers a new sense of freedom from his dismal marriage to Stella.
And finally, we get to the current time where he wakes up the night of his disastrous date with Blitz and confronts Stella, thus starting off a chain of events I believe is going to impact season 2.
And in each stage, he wakes up with a different level of happiness which all involves Stella and Blitz.
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In the first stage, a child Stolas wakes up, joyful and excited about his birthday.
Two things I want to point out in this part of the Circus: Child Stolas is told to repress his emotions. He gets excited about his birthday, the imp caretaker scolds him, telling him excitement is 'unbecoming' for a member of the Goetia family. When he cries, upset by his engagement to Stella, Paimon tells him to 'cease his bitch crying' and takes him to the circus as a means of placating him and rents him a playmate for the day so he wouldn't have to 'deal with' Stolas.
From a young age, Stolas's emotions are either repressed or dismissed. While he was excited to being assigned a purpose within the Goetia family, I believe this is because he's excited to be apart of the family. He seems to have been raised alone in the palace. We see no other family in the palace save for Paimon and the imp servant, no one posing with him in the portraits, nor does it seem that Paimon had plans of a party or social gathering to celebrate his birthday. The circus visit was a spur of the moment decision to get Stolas to stop crying. Even then, only the imp servant went with Stolas with Paimon in attendance via a handmirror.
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Another thing from his child I want to point out is that Stolas likes imps. Early on, I thought his fascination and attraction to Blitz was a fetish for imps or kink for the taboo, but in reality it has an emotional vein. Child Stolas's favorite toy looks like an imp version of Sam from Sam and Max. Judging from the portraits, he's had this toy since infanthood (owlette hood?). And there's a familiarity with the imp servant as he helps Stolas dress, think a distant Alfred to Bruce Wayne.
Also, going back to Episode 5 of Season 1, Stolas attends the Harvest Festival himself where the population are mainly imps. Perhaps its something only he can head, or maybe it's voluntary position? Also, he goes to Loo Loo Land where the majority of visitors are, yet again, more imps. He feels comfortable with them, more so than he does with his own family. He's not intimidated by them, nor bullied. With them, he's in an elevated position of power which he does use to make himself feel happy and confident as we see him in the Harvest Festival.
Which leads to my next point. When he first sees Blitz, I don't think it's love at first sight or physical attraction which I believe he's far too young to experience. It's admiration, as Blitz is an imp his age and has a sense of humor that meshes with Stolas's own. And while he's playing with Blitz (even while Blitz is tricking him and robbing his house), he's having the time of his life!
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My favorite wholesome moment in this episode is Stolas and Blitz sitting under a tree and having a conversation about their futures. It's a genuine talk about their aspirations and hopes with Stolas being supportive of Blitz's dream of running his own 'circus' and Blitz being impressed with Stolas's role. It's heartbreaking to know these kids are going to face many hardships.
As an adult Stolas is fulfilling his role, but at the cost of his own happiness while Blitz will likely undergo a set traumatizing events that will leave him broken and scarred physically and emotionally.
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Then we come to the second segment. 25 years later, Stolas is an adult, a prince, father, and husband, but far from happy. He's no longer the happy boy who leapt from his bed, but groans upon waking and takes anti-depressants (Happy Pillz).
This is a Stolas who has carried out the role expected of him since childhood. He's a Prince of the Goetia, married Stella, and had an heir, Octavia, but isn't happy.
I want to point out how further he's emotionally repressed in this segment. He's taking anti-depressants (Happy Pills) which are helpful for people who suffer depression, but in this case, I think they symbolize a means to repress Stolas emotions. He's not allowed to feel sad because he's carrying out his role.
The only time he's openly happy is with Octavia. Later on, we see portraits of him with Paimon (in the handmirror. The guy couldn't even come in person for a painting) and Stella and in both Stolas takes on a stern, rigid poise. With Octavia, he's smiling brightly and it's the best picture of him.
And the poor owl tries!
He sneaks a peek at a sleeping Octavia for an emotional boost, goes into the kitchen and attempts to say good morning to Stella who rebuffs and ignores him. So he is making a fair attempt to find happiness in his role, but it's like scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to Stella, who openly mocks him at her Not Divorced party and while angry about it, he doesn't confront her nor do anything to cause waves at the party.
What I've noticed is Stolas never speaks with any other Goetia, and he's in a ballroom full of them. He stands off alone and his only interaction is with the imp servants who bring him mood altering alcohol (absinthe) which he drinks up. Drinking alcohol is another means of repressing emotions, to make yourself feel better without confronting the real issue.
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Then in comes Blitz.
Again, Stolas feels more at ease around Blitz as he's an imp, but also an old childhood friend. I wonder if Stolas and Blitz had any more playdates after that first one? Time will tell, but nonetheless, Stolas is very happy to see him again and while he was flirting to begin with, I believe it was a means to break the tension and put Blitz at ease around him. He wasn't serious about Blitz seducing him, but Blitz, who is desperate for a means to cover his true purpose of stealing Grimoire, actually seduces Stolas which leads to the stage of their relationship as we seen it throughout season 1.
Stolas acts lustful and flirty because that's how he believes Blitz wants him to act.
Stolas has spent his life appeasing others from his father to Stella and the rest of the Goetia family. While I believe Stolas enjoys being a bottom in a BDSM relationship, his act is a means to appease Blitz as a sexual partner, never realizing how it annoys him.
2. For the first time, Stolas feels he had can openly be passionate with someone who cares for him.
Being so repressed, Stolas has found an outlet for his emotions through sex. People have labeled Stolas as gay, but personally, I think he's demisexual. If you can put aside the fact that Stella is abusive and insulting, I don't believe Stolas ever felt as close to her as he ever did with Blitz.
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3. Their relationship revolves around the Grimoire.
To put it simply, Blitz wants the Grimoire which Stolas owns, and Stolas wants Blitz.
Not to get off topic, but Stolas and Blitz sees their relationship different perspectives. Stolas sees this as a simple exchange of favors between lovers, Blitz sees it as Stolas, a powerful noble, using his power over him. If we backup to Blitz's drug trip in Ep 6, he sees Stolas sitting up on a high pedestal on a throne, being served by imps, while tugging on golden chains as if Blitz is a pet.
Because Stolas has been repressed both socially and emotionally, he fails to see how his relationship with Blitz isn't a true relationship, because he has never had a genuine one before. He's been groomed to wed Stella since a childhood and Stella has not been a good partner. So is it any wonder why Stolas would be so confused?
Regardless, we are given the wonderful scene of Stolas ripping Stella's Not Divorce banner and declaring he wants a divorce! Vivziepop says he's riding high on life and his newfound 'relationship' with Blitz has given him the courage to openly defy Stella.
It's the highest moment of his life and then we cut to . . .
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. . .the lowest point in the finale stage of this episode.
Like in the previous stages, he wakes up, but miserable. It's the night (or morning?) after Ozzie's. Publicly shamed and humiliated, and having his heart broken by Blitz. With his makeup streaking down his face like tears, he laments his sadness in song until we get to an awesome scene where we finally see Stolas and his potential as a character.
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This is a very powerful moment.
For the first time since he was a child, Stolas is being open about his feelings and desires. This isn't the Stolas who is reining in his excitement as a child or the lecherous Stolas when he began a sexual relationship with Blitz, this is Stolas raw and unrestrained.
He's making direct eye contact with Stella, and making it clear he wants her out of his life. He's unashamed and unafraid about his own desires, and damned with the consequences, of which I am sure there will be.
While season 1 was introductory of the characters, setting, and situations, I believe season 2 is going to be Stolas going on a journey of self-discovery and finding his independence and happiness. While a relationship with Blitz will bring him happiness, it shouldn't be his sole source. He needs to find his identity and become a person who can stand on his own unashamed to become a equal partner to Blitz. I'm eager to see more in the coming episodes.
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monochromatic-ahhhh · 3 years
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I wanna reply to people's replies but I don't know how and I'm too scared to try anything so I'm just sitting here seeing every comment like ༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ ༽
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eelhound · 3 years
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"As Marx and Engels wrote in the Communist Manifesto: 'All that is solid melts into air, all that is holy is profaned, and man is at last compelled to face with sober senses his real conditions of life, and his relations with his kind.' Capitalism, we are compelled to face, is driven only by what is profitable, and this dictates every facet of our lives and deaths. The profit motive dishes out material deprivation and ecological destruction. Our relationships with each other face deep alienation. A few make fantastic profits at the expense of the many, who in turn spend most of our waking hours in conditions we have little say over. We live in a society where every decision made by those with power is driven by how much money can be made. In a nutshell, 'exchange-value' rules over 'use-value.' Profits, over human beings.
This state of affairs has been so normalized that we've come to take it for granted — if not as the way things should be at least the way they must be. We go to work, we pay the bills, we go on with our day. Yet the insanity and brutality of it all can't but rear its ugly head all over our planet, our communities, our lives, every time a cut corner leads to breached levies that could have stopped a hurricane from destroying a city, or a mining disaster buries workers alive. Its ugly head rears through the billions of dollars directed toward speculation in meaningless financial cocktails, or Bitcoins, or other Wall Street gambles, while our public-school systems and hospitals languish in poverty. Its ugly head rears again, climate summit after climate summit, when no agreement with actual teeth is reached because it simply isn't profitable to rein in an entire manufacturing edifice built around cheap and dirty energy. It rears again and again and again, when millions of poor people are sacrificed to curable diseases by both the pharmaceutical industry and the global industrial debt complex, which cripples state funding of public health programs. The list goes on, literally ad infinitum.
If there are just three points that I hope you'll take away from this book they're these:
One: These are not accidents. They are not isolated incidents of greed. They are simply products of the way the system works. Competition is the mainstay of capitalism. It can't be made friendlier or softer because it requires an accumulation of capital at any cost, in order to get ahead, or get left behind.
Two: These same processes of accumulation necessarily lead to contradictions that threaten the very profits that capitalists seek. Every contradiction for capitalism is both a great hazard to our lives — since we are made to pay the price — and also an important crack in the system. Every periodic crisis [economic recession or depression] is a potential point around which to organize. If the system seems impenetrable, all the more reason to find its weakest links.
Three: 'The point, however, is to change it,' argued Marx. And this too is the point of this book. Better understanding the system, as Marx wrote: 'to reveal the economic law of motion of modern society' is a critical first step. These laws of motion help us to assess the balance of forces, the relative strength or weakness of the ruling class, and their strategies for increasing their profits and our immiseration. But Marx had more to say about how the very development of capitalist industry not only concentrates capital in few hands, but also concentrates workers together into a force that can challenge the system. Capitalism, wrote Marx and Engels, creates its own gravediggers."
- Hadas Thier, from A People's Guide to Capitalism: An Introduction to Marxist Economics, 2020.
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rpmemesbyarat · 3 years
Conversation
RP Meme from Netflix's "A Series of Unfortunate Events: A Bad Beginning: Part Two"
I'm sorry to say that the alleged entertainment you are watching is extremely unpleasant.
From the beginning of this miserable tale to the last melancholy scene, I cannot think of a single line, a single word, that does not chill me to my deepest bones.
"Why?" you may ask.
Do you know what the question I'm asked the most is?
Will you please leave the premises?
Why do I do it?
Why respond to the siren song that the Spanish call 'El Theater'?"
For fame and fortune?
For the costumes!
Where are the costumes?
Stay in the car.
Well, we've got to reach them. Try Peru.
I'm keeping an eye on things best I can
I present it to you now in the hopes that the police inspectors, concerned citizens and television executives might finally leave me alone.
I have an appointment for a haircut right now.
Well, in that case, we're going to need a map of the city.
You'll never get away with this.
I already did get away with it.
Put some elbow grease into it!
Who knows what would happen to us on the street?
At least here we have a roof over our head.
Can I warm that up for you? And also give you some very bad news?
When I was a little boy, I would have given my eyeteeth to be raised by an actor.
I have terrible friends.
It sounds like Latin.
Now, I'm sorry if I have to usher you out posthaste, but I've got work to do.
I'll have my new secretary give you a ride home as soon as he's finished typing up that report.
Shall I let them off the hook?
I spent all morning making these cupcakes for you.
They're store bought!
Aren't raspberries delicious?
I'm afraid I may have acted a bit standoffish.
I want you to participate in my next play.
It tells the story of a very handsome and good-looking man, played by me.
A pretty girl like you shouldn't be working backstage.
It's a very important role
What did you call me?
I'm not sure I'm talented enough to perform professionally.
I would prefer it if you participate voluntarily
The point is, I can order you to participate, and you must obey.
I can't stand looking at you anymore.
Killing us will do him no good.
I have never been married myself.
Are you here to continue your research?
I have quite the interest in theater, you know.
I would give up every last wig just to wear a costume.
I'm actually considering a career in law. I find those books quite fascinating.
There are countless types of books in this world, which makes good sense because there are countless types of people.
[NAME], what's happened to your face?
No, no, no, it should be delicate! Fetching!
I just think, even in changing context, that marriage is an inherently patriarchal construction
Are you leaving?
Oh, there we go, sweet girl.
Does that mean what I think it means?
It means you're going to be a star.
You have got the star quality necessary for a small walk-on role
Now, you can see it.
It's a very important part, although you won't be listed in the program.
All my life I wanted to be a bride
It's almost too good to be true.
Spend some time with your new father.
Seize the children!
I have three kinds of butter cream icing here for you to sample. One's vanilla, one has a hint of nutmeg and the other's a little lemony.
I told you never to say that word.
We'll order takeout.
Let me eat cake.
You can't just keep us in here.
What do you think will happen to you then?
I'm gonna stay up all night with a book.
The book was not at all interesting. The book was long and difficult.
What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in your room.
I was in my room all night, and I know what you're up to.
Me? I'm just having my morning coffee
If you use fancy-pants words first thing in the morning,
you're going to end up a very lonely man.
I figured out your scheme.
You don't know the difference between figuratively and literally, do you?
I'm leaping in the air because I'm very happy.
I'm so happy I could jump for joy, but I'm saving my energy for other matters.
This play won't be pretend. It'll be real and legally binding.
A man like me can acquire any number of beautiful women
What's in it for me?
Can you name me a language that was spoken by ancient Romans and is still spoken by very irritating people today?
Whatever will we do?
I guess that proves reading really is fundamental.
But I'm not old enough to get married.
It certainly is so strange to find a child missing, and one so small, so helpless.
When did you see her last?
Did you hear that? It came from outside.
Oh, you're not looking in the right place.
Oh, don't look so down.
Let her go. She's done nothing to you.
Please, she's just a baby.
Just don't harm her.
I would never, ever marry you.
Any animal owner will tell you that a stubborn mule will move toward the carrot because it wants the reward of food and away from the stick because it wants to avoid the punishment of rump pain.
Would it be so terrible to be my bride, to live in my house for the rest of your life?
You're a terrible man.
I may be a terrible man, but I have concocted a foolproof way of getting your fortune.
What have you done?
I wish I had an inventor here.
You came.
You sent for me.
Things are disastrous. Everything's gone wrong.
What went wrong?
Why would anyone listen to a consultant?
Are you free Friday night to attend the theater?
But what shall we do until then?
Could you cut these ropes for me?
You should get some sleep.
It's my turn.
I didn't help us.
You just didn't finish the job.
Let me keep my promise.
Having a brilliant idea isn't as easy as turning on a light.
But just as a single bulb can illuminate even the most depressing of rooms, the right idea can shed light on a depressing situation.
It's so wonderful that, in addition to your many talents, you have a marvelous eye for fashion.
Tell me if this is too much.
How pleasant that you could join us.
What are you gonna do with me?
It was a grappling hook.
I understand she's yours.
I'm not his bride.
You know, some people say that the hardest job in the world is raising a child.
I'll touch whatever I want.
What happened? Why are we up here?
It's so high. You must have been terrified.
I'm sorry it didn't work.
The invention worked fine. I just got caught.
You're gonna need to flip it a couple of times, like, okay?
And don't touch the baby!
Do you think you could invent something to help us escape?
I am certain that over the course of your own life, you have noticed that certain rooms reflect the personalities of the occupants.
If we had kerosene, we could make Molotov cocktails with those old wine bottles.
What are Molotov cocktails?
They're small bombs. If we throw them out the window, we could attract attention.
It's time for the big event.
Taking the role of a handsome man is certainly a brave choice.
Is it a stretch for you?
I think live theater is a much more powerful medium
than, say, streaming television.
Evil plot?
The wedding will be around 10 PM, followed by champagne toasts, reception with cake and finger food, then the after-party at the Mexican place.
All my anxieties are put to rest.
Don't distract me with idle chatter.
Get it absolutely right.
Change of plans. Sit here. Don't distract her.
Don't suppose you know how to play poker.
Would you like to deal?
I am very handsome, but I am only one man.
He's so handsome.
If I can't have him, my heart will literally break.
That can't be true!
But that piece of paper's not an official document.
I think you'll see that it is figuratively real.
I'm afraid this marriage is entirely binding.
This is absolutely horrendous. I won't allow it!
I'm afraid there's nothing you can do.
You were easily tricked!
It was child's play, winning this fortune.
You promised to let her go!
You idiot! What are you doing?
So, you escaped, you little dishrag.
Well, that doesn't count.
You're just being a sore loser and trying to ruin my special day.
You should never be afraid to admit that you don't know something.
This is a very complicated case.
It would take a formidable legal scholar to solve it.
It was thoroughly impressive and utterly convincing.
I'm even considering firing your associate
I was kidnapped
I'll get my hands on your fortune if it's the last thing I do.
You have to capture him! You have to go after him!
You let the authorities worry about that.
Sorry, but the children must come with me.
Some things in life are difficult to understand, even after years and years of thinking about them while wandering alone through desolate landscapes, usually during the off-season.
The world is quiet here.
As with so many unfortunate events in life, just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean it isn't so.
Things are worse than we thought.
Then we don't have a moment to lose.
What's a woman like you building in a place like this?
Leave no stone unturned.
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dragynkeep · 4 years
Note
You know I'm still pissed how they handled the whole Argus/getting to Atlas thing so let me word vomit for a bit because I have a better idea on how they get there. (Part 1) First throw Rubys, "we've gotten by without adults before" speech out the window. Instead we follow through with her calling Qrow out on his shit. At least Jaune is thinking of ideas that's more than Qrow right now. If he wants to be useless fine stay in argus or fuck off but *they* will continue the fight and get to Atlas
Qrow realizes he's being a dumb bitch is like okay fine there is one thing we can do. I can't believe this hasn't been established but here goes, there are certain access points that are safe guarded where the inner circle can get a direct message to James so he can give his permission to esquort them to Atlas. Problem is for Argus it's the military base so instead of stealing an airship they just gotta sneak into the base long enough for Qrow to get through to James
it's then decided that Maria can act as a distraction by antagonizing Cordo into a fight between them giving Kerry his old lady fight (mmm okay) and also gived pay off into their rivarly. Qrow sneaks in as a bird and gets to the communication room. Meanwhile teams rwby and jnpr go patrol the outskirts of the coast to keep the relic away from people and pick off some grimm to keep busy. This is when Adam ambushes them. Oscar gets sent back to the military base for backup and his safety
So Oscar gets sent to the base for backup to capture a high profile terrorist and also keep him safe. But since Blake and Yang haven't dealt with their trauma it attracts even more grimm forcing jnpr to double back and take care of the grimm so it doesn't make its way to the city. Rwby then *all* face Adam as a team. But he's a punk bitch and decides he has to hurt them all. So he attacks Ruby like slash to the gut and sends her flying into the ocean to either drown or bleed out
This leads to all of team wby to give a final team attack. Adam can either be killed or subdued. Meanwhile Ruby has her breakdown wondering if all this is really worth it, if she's just meant to die like her mom? Her blood and fear attract sea grimm she has the montage of bad memories but she can just barely see something or someone coming her way. Jaune most likely since he'd be closer to the water He grabs her and wraps her cloak around the wound and trying to swim to the top.
his armour however weighs him down and using one arm to hold up Ruby makes it hard to swim to the top. Here Ruby realizes it's either Jaune or one of her friends trying to save her. She now has the montage of good memories maybe even Summer saying words of encouragement. Silver eyes vaporize all grimm in the surrounding area. This gives Jaune the push to swim up and get Ruby to shore Jaune closes the wound withhis semblance but Ruby still has blood loss. Now the military comes to help
Cordo sees Adam either captured alive or dead and an injuried Ruby is quickly transported to the military base for medical treatment. We can even do a cliche but very much needed scene wher Ruby is in the afterlife and talks to Pyrrha or her mom sharing her guilt and fear of failing but they encourage her to keep going. Ruby wakes up weak but alive. Nice family moment between Yanh, Ruby, and Qrow where they all agree this fight is worth seeing to the end and they can't give up.
Cordo as thanks for capturing/killing Adam gives them a pardon and Ironwood is contacted and gives special permission for them to be esquorted to Atlas. They either leave right away needing to get the relic put away or wait until Ruby heals. Ruby and Jaune can have a nice moment where she thanks him for saving her life, he's all like you saved my life in so many ways and he couldn't save Pyrrha he wasn't about to lose her too. Volume ends with the fleet in Atlas as a cliffhanger. Fin
First off, thank you for the word vomit ‘cause we know have an essay to ready through. Never put us through this torment again, I have dyslexia.
Starting off, getting rid of Ruby’s speech about not needing adults when the show seriously contradicts her is sorely needed. It makes Ruby come off as ungrateful and arrogant, and I’m not here for it. Qrow still needed that stern telling off from Ruby because he is being unreceptive to any of their suggestions and he isn’t helping at all, but none of the others even tried to help Qrow through his depressive spiral. I’d have Ruby and Yang trying together to get through to him, but not acting like he’s a burden when he’s having a relapse and needs help.
Mentioning other ways for Ozpin’s inner circle to contact one another would’ve been an interesting point, but it hasn’t been established at all. They should have some way to contact each other, but they don’t, and it’s just like what? How the fuck do they ever contact each other, use the bog standard CCT Towers like everyone else? That’s not secretive! No wonder Cinder hacked your phone, James, get Nord VPN! 
Because of this, you run into the territory of an Ass Pull. The heroes have run into a problem and are in a dead end, but wait! Qrow has this secret way to contact James that wasn’t established before and only brings it up now rather than attempting when they were in Haven! It would require redoing things in previous volumes for that to work. 
And a quick note, the idea of the heroes sneaking into the military base has me thinking of the prison scene in Shrek 2 where Shrek’s friends break Shrek, Donkey and Puss out of jail.
Positive note, but at least here Qrow remembers that he can turn into a bird to sneak into places, which is why Ozpin gave him the powers in the first goddamn place. 
With RWBYJNR staying away from Argus because of the relic actually gives consequences to the relic seemingly drawing Grimm. They can’t remain in Argus for long without putting it in danger, but now they’re in danger of Grimm attacks and anyone against them coming across the group. But having Adam do it, especially with the whole group, doesn’t really work. I’m always one to say that Adam is a good fighter, but there is no way he could take on the whole of Team RWBY and JNR, even if Yang and Blake are struggling with their own trauma relating to him. 
If he was picking them off one by one like Blake warned Sun about, then yeah, but I doubt the group would split up like that to allow him to pick them off, and they would just be dumb to split up anyway because they’re at risk of Grimm. I like the idea of Oscar going back to get backup, because it means that the heroes aren’t so arrogant that they believe they can handle everything themselves, plus it doesn’t hurt to build good relations with the people who you want to gain passage from. 
However, the reason that JNR tracks back doesn’t really make sense when you realise that for the amount of Grimm needed for them to deal with without fear of failure, the city could easily handle themselves if they appear. The only reason that Argus was overwhelmed by Grimm in canon is because Cordovin took the mech to fight the heroes and took it away from defense. Here, the mech and defenses are still in Argus, ready to use if the amount of Grimm that would be attracted by the negativity of two people appeared. It feels like JNR left because the plot told them to, not because there’s a legit reason for them to. 
Even the whole fight between WBY and Adam has the same problems as canon. This is Blake versus her abuser, but rather than Yang overtaking the fight in canon, it’s now Ruby being thrown off the cliff that’s taken precedence. It’s the wrong person taking the attention. Also, I’m not a fan that it’s Jaune that saves Ruby when he’s not even supposed to be there, since he’s doubled back with his team. It really should be Yang, we already have problems with the sisters not being given moments to be sisters. There is one later when Ruby wakes up, but that’s shared with Qrow, and it being Jaune who saves Ruby doesn’t fit in my opinion. 
The meeting with Pyrrha/Summer and Ruby in the afterlife? I would nix that. It’s a special thing that happened between Ozma and the GoL to show the otherworldliness of the gods and that Ozma is special. It’s not a common occurance that happens a lot in RWBY like in other shows like Naruto. Also, Ruby was not that close to Pyrrha, they had a handful of scenes together before Pyrrha died. I would see it more like Penny than Pyrrha in terms of someone who’s close to Ruby, but either way the scene doesn’t really work.
I get what you were trying to do with Jaune’s character. He couldn’t save Pyrrha so he wouldn’t let another one of his friends die, but this comes with the problem of taking away a moment that should’ve gone to Yang rescuing her sister, and that by the time this fight would come, Jaune has already reached the conclusion over Pyrrha. He has already started moving on from his guilt over her dealth. 
And reading the rest of this, that’s unfortunately the feeling I get. There’s some good bits here that I think would’ve made the season better, but it feels convoluted and that once again, the plot is driving the characters, not the characters driving the plot. 
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daughterofelros · 4 years
Note
Hey so I saw your post about Alex and his resilience and how he's rate on a scale and how this relates to his childhood trauma etc and was really curious to know/understand more on the topic and how it manifests with alex but also you mentioned rosa? And the other characters too. If you're happy to elaborate otherwise no worries of course. What interpretations do you make from what we've seen on screen? ☺
Oh my gosh Nonnie, thank you for the juicy, delicious ask!
The Connor-Davidson Resilience Scale (Commonly abbreviated to CD-RISC) measures, in its full version, 25 different statements. Some of the ones that stand out to me in thinking about a bunch of the RNM characters include being able to adapt and change, having close and secure relationships, able to make unpopular/difficult decisions, know where to get help, but they’re all pretty important.
As established in my earlier assessment, Alex Manes = Super Resilient, and that definitely has an effect on the ways he handles the traumas he’s faced over his life.
Let me dive into Rosa little bit more first— Rosa, despite not enduring the specific type of abuse that Alex and Michael did as kids, might actually score in a lower percentile than either of those characters on the resilience scale. Part of this is because adverse childhood experiences, though cumulative, aren’t exactly ranked and scaled. Trauma impacts people differently, and you can’t really say whether growing up feeling abandoned by an alcoholic parent in an otherwise supportive context, or never having a safe parental figure, or having a parent die will impact someone “worse”—they’re all adversity, and they all have an impact on our health and capacity for resilience. (Also, inequality isn’t a fixed experience in our brains—for more reading on how weird our brains are in this regard, check out “The Broken Ladder: How Inequality Affects the Way We Think, Live, and Die”  by Keith B Payne).So Rosa definitely has adverse childhood experiences that impact her relationships. At the point when we’re first introduced to her, she’s probably in about the worst place she could be there—Her friendships are being proven to be based on what drugs she can score, her relationship with her mother is shredded, and she’s just learned that Arturo isn’t her father. Even though Arturo’s love and support for her wouldn’t budge an inch, she feels separated from the most supportive relationship in her life, and she’s spiraling. She struggles to adapt, her coping mechanisms mess with her brain chemistry where she’s already contending with dopamine issues due to the mental illness she’s battling , and it’s pretty clear that she doesn’t have a strong read on where to get help (Though she’s willing to accept it—Valenti’s help getting clean, having met once with a therapist, leaning into her artwork).  Pressure doesn’t make her think very clearly, and she doesn’t seem like she takes high levels of pride in her achievements, or trust that she can achieve her goals if she works for them. Traumas are going to hit her hard. They’re not going to roll off her back easily. When she comes back to life, she gets a partial reset button, and handles some big trauma pretty well…but she also is terrified of messing it up, and breaks down if anything gets derailed (see: “I Ruined my Miracle”). I’d say she’s doing a great job coping with what she’s got…but her resilience score isn’t the highest. Things hit her hard.
Let’s look at Michael then. He’s got every reason why his resilience score might not be high. He’s dealt with so damn much. But the thing that’s helped him get through is that his resilience score actually seems like it would be pretty well up there. He doesn’t have good parental figure relationships (understatement of the year)—But he’s got a couple of relationships (Max and Isobel) that won’t abandon him, no matter how he pushes, even when everything is burning around them. Michael clearly believes that working toward goals means he can achieve them. He’s been trying to build the spaceship to take him back home since he was, like, eight. That’s goal-oriented right there! He’s not going to score well in the “getting help” vector at all, but he does work extremely well under pressure (his genius increases when he’s pissed off). Michael also clearly believes that he can deal with whatever comes his way, he ultimately doesn’t give up when things look hopeless (alien pacemaker in 7 hours), and I’d bet my bottom dollar that he would agree that coping with stress has made him stronger. He’d probably rank himself pretty high on the “Can make difficult or unpopular decisions” factor—choosing to take the blame and protect Isobel, volunteering to be the alien who gets turned into the authorities…there are flaws in his reasoning on the last one, and definitely some internalized feelings of his life not being as important…but he shows a clear propensity for being willing to make unspeakably challenging decisions. He probably won’t rank high in the “Pride in my achievements” vector, and that hits up against the things he’s internalized from the ACES he’s had piled on him—from childhood abuse and abandonment right up to Jesse Manes, crippling injury, and covering up murders. His resilience is high, but he’s coping with a lot, and he doesn’t have as many tools to keep coping as, say, Alex does.  We can also see that there’s a pretty debilitating impact when he shifts to the knowledge that his Mom was alive and he watched her die… and then starts to question why she didn’t take him out of the Pod to be with her in 1947. He starts to have thoughts about abandonment that he hadn’t had when he just thought his Mom died in the crash…and that paired with Max’s death really, really throws him. He rejects connections that have ever been tied up in pain and abandonment, and we see him spiraling. His resilience definitely dips when those circumstances occur…and as we see him trust in some of his relationships again, we see his ability to cope return as well. With the right tools and support, he can actually do a lot of healing yet too.
Isobel probably scores pretty high on the scale at the beginning of season 1. She’s had some adverse childhood experiences from waking up from the pods, from being attacked in the desert as a teen., but she’s made it through all of that without a ton of trauma responses (given that the blackouts turned out to be mind control) She’s confident in her goals, her relationships, she’s strong in her decision-making, she believes she’s built herself a good life. She has a supportive family, Max is her person, she’s got Michael, and her husband is amazingly supportive. We don’t see much in the way of friends, but she’s got a Boss-Ass support structure. Until she realizes she doesn’t. That Noah is a thread of rot through all of it, and she’s been deceived on an inconceivable level. And then she loses Max.
Isobel at the beginning of Season 2 would fill this assessment out very, very differently. And the sharp drop in some of the factors of her resilience really make her struggle. Her confidence in herself as a strong person is deeply under review, and she’s leaning a little hard into the god-like powers aspect of herself. Knocking Rosa out with a book is a really alarming manifestation of how her reasoning and coping skills are out of alignment. She’d probably use it as evidence for her ability to make unpopular decisions though. She’d score really high in the vector regardless though—because choosing to terminate a pregnancy in a town like Roswell…that takes so damn much resilience, ability to make decisions under pressure, etc.  She’s still got the resilience that comes from her goal setting and working for things she values though—her training with her powers shows that pretty clearly.
Isobel definitely isn’t going to score high in the “Knows where to get help” vector though. She refuses therapy, refuses help from family, doesn’t seek medical assistance, and almost dies as a result of her abortion, when she would have had all kinds of support from people around her if she’d been able to reach out. Even when she’s struggling, she has a history of resilience to draw on though.
Let’s talk Cam for a moment—we don’t have a lot of info on her childhood, but Cam actually seems to be a character with high scores across the board—for only having 2 years in Roswell, she forms connections pretty readily, goes to people for help, is focused on goals, takes pride in her work. She handles most things with aplomb, and isn’t easily manipulated. Jesse Manes has to work pretty hard on her to get her to bat an eyelash. That’s particularly interesting given the relationship that resilience has in attenuating depression effects and PTSD effects on people with combat experience.
Max is hard to talk about, because we don’t know a lot about where he is this season, and what the trauma of dying and being kept in a pod in constant pain is going to do to him. He seems reasonably able to deal with the hardships he’s faced prior to this, shows a propensity to be able to make unpopular decisions, and is probably the character who is most consistently and intentionally shown investing in relationships. I’d imagine that his resistance score is at least in the middling percentiles. Max is also pretty much the character it’s hardest to wrap my brain around when I’m writing, so that’s why I think I struggle in guessing how he’d assess himself here too.
Kyle is so interesting, because he’s a character who seems to know himself really well, and has maybe also changed the most over 10 years. Kyle these days really values and invests in his relationships—His Mom, Liz, rebuilding a friendship with Alex, trusting Cam. He’s dedicated in pursuing goals, takes pride in his accomplishments, has a reasonably good idea of where to seek help, works well under pressure. He’s had a lot of advantages in life, and while med school definitely tests his resilience and endurance, I don’t know how much his resilience has had to help him get through trauma before this.  I do know that the scene where he almost buys a gun is one of my favorites, because it shows him trying to cope with crisis and handle a lot of stress. I don’t think we’ve seen a full enough arc of how he’s coping yet though—I think there’s more to come.
Maria DeLuca strikes me as scoring relatively high on resilience assessments (or at least the high end of mid-to-upper range). She’s caring for a mother with dementia, runs a business, and deals with racism and misogyny in a town like Roswell, which it’s well-established is renowned for both of those things. Maria has really strong relationships—her Mother is a huge priority, her friends matter deeply to her (fandom drama over ships aside, and whether Alex should forgive her for dating Michael or not, Maria in canon expresses a lot of care for her friends, worries if she’s hurt them, and forgives when she’s hurt herself). She’s close with Arturo, she visits Rosa’s grave once a month. She does a lot of giving, not a lot of getting back, and feels pretty shaken when she’s deceived, but she still has a lot of stable relationships to lean into. She’s…not great at asking for help, or letting on that she needs it- she tries to go everything alone. But she also problem-solves, she pursues her goals, she believes that you get what you work for  (“No one ever accused me of a lack of hustle”),  and she doesn’t give up when she feels hopeless.  She’s probably middle of the road on handling unpleasant feelings—some she handles well, some she reacts intensely to, some she buries. It seems like when a crisis happens, she’s conflicted and struggling in the moment, but processes through things in a reasonably short time. I’d say one of the places that she doesn’t score that high on is the ability to adapt to change. She gets there eventually, but that’s where she struggles the most. The thing is, because of what she’s faced with in daily life, she’s constantly utilizing her resilience. It’s something she leans on all the time.
Liz is brilliant, and amazing, and it’s kind of hard for me to parse this out for her. Strong relationships, she’s got those. She’s great at adapting, great at problem-solving and pursuing her goals. She sees herself as strong, faces challenges, sees the humor in things, bounces back from setbacks, honestly, she would score pretty well in every category. I think there’s pretty clear evidence that with all the things she’s accomplished and all the things she’s endured, Liz Ortecho is a wellspring of resilience, and it definitely attenuates the long-term negative effects she might face from her experiences. She faces some of the same adverse childhood experiences that her sister does, but reacts very differently. Their resilience—despite the similarity of their contexts for nurture—differs substantially…and that’s even before we add in the trauma of Rosa’s death that Liz contends with.
Overall, the characters on this show are a resilient bunch. I’m watching some other shows right now as I make masks for my community, and it strikes me that most of the RNM characters would score higher on the CD-RISC assessment than the characters on those other TV shows (many of whom hold a relatively large amount of privilege).
But notably, the characters on RNM strike me as far more like the people who move through my community every day. Overwhelmingly, my community is comprised of queer people, people of color, homeless and unaccompanied youth, people dealing with mental health issues, sexual assault survivors, abuse survivors, folks with PTSD and DID, and people who would be considered low-socioeconomic status. My community is made up almost entirely of people who deal with adverse experiences, and had intense adverse childhood experiences. Resilience is the norm. Resilience ends up being a key word in almost every letter of recommendation I write. And one of the reasons I love RNM so much is that the characters are brought to life quite realistically. There’s a lot of different truths from experience, and a lot of different paths to similar truth. But overwhelmingly, their responses to these impossible events are grounded in realistic depictions. When it comes to character development, this might just be some of the best writing I’ve ever seen on TV. And for a show that’s solidly in the sci-fi realm…it’s possibly the most realistic show I’ve ever seen.
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dyker-farmer · 4 years
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More bro fic.... angst fodder kind content.
Take that can away if you can
I never see Shane works that don't go all in for romance nor explore the more realistic ugly parts of recovery, and I kind of crave That TM. So let me have at it too with the self-insert whump mumbo jumbo; no romo version.
Set post-8 hearts event- not 10, jesus-, Farmer Uidelsib is two years or so in, full house built and married to Emily. They/them pronouns, same as me.
Diverges from then on, Shane-centric from an outside POV for the most part.
I also put it on Ao3.
[[MORE]]
A bitch bastard man and a bitch walk into a room... Chapter 1/2/3/4
"I think we should talk about this."
If the room was stifled before, this just causes the pin to drop, and the relative lull to shatter with it. I don't want a storm, but we can't pretend the sea's a slightly oversized pond if we want him not drowning in it- again, my mind supplies, unhelpful.
He's zoning out again, blurry eyes pointedly off me, preferring the turned-off TV.
Let's start easy. "Why did you come here, Shane?"
"I-I-" It sounds like an excuse building up and it bubbles out like a shaken can, "I don't- I shouldn't have-" he goes to up and leave, and we just can't have that.
I scrape my chair closer and grab his shoulder, same as before. Hopefully it's more placating than caging. "No, you should have. You did good. Seeking out, remember?"
He doesn't answer but stills.
"Like Dr.Campbell and Harvey said." I try again.
"Yeah… Yeah." Deep breathing. "I. Don't know." He searches for my face, not quite past the nose. I nod, ushering him on. "It's. Stupid." I frown and my eyebrow goes higher than before and he immediately doubles down. "I know- positiv' reinforchment and all that shit! But… It's hard." A tired hand wipes the most of moisture off his face, before it goes back to wriggle with the other on his lap. "It's so fuckin' hard. Didn't even last two seasons!-"
I cut him off. "Two seasons is a lot! One and a half too. Last time, you'd tried to go cold turkey on the spot. We know what that got us." Sea foam in the mouth and a shared cold in the early spring, on top of a Joja lawsuit. "Shit's hard, like you said. You lasted one and a half this time. Next time-"
"Why the fuck do you always think there's gonna be a next time."
This time, I still. My laidback demeanor mirror his, but so does the cold anger creeping in and tensing both our backs.
"Because. There is going to be a next time. And another after that. And another. Same way there's been next times before this one now."
What's left unsaid we don't touch.
All irritation floods from him like it's just pointless to keep it in anymore, and his forehead goes to thunk softly against the wooden surface he leaned on before. The table muffles his next words a little.
"I can't… keep doing that." I don't peep. "I can't keep rolling back down and then up and down, and up, and down. I- I just can't, Garcia- Uidel-"
"I'll drag you there." I shrug.
"But you shouldn't have to!" His voice raises and make the boards vibrate where his skin's still pressed. "You shouldn't have to-to fuckin'-" he sniffles, the following words drowned out in held-back sobs. "Fuck damn it, you- I said I- I wouldn't be a burden anymore!"
He's crying out loud now, open sorrow and no walls left. Out of all the things you could stick on the not-so amiable man sulking straight from bed to Jojamart to Stardrop Saloon to bed, you probably wouldn't think of "extreme scare of bothering anyone". Yet it's all here in how he collapses silently in the mattress, wake without a sound, keep his head down the whole time he crosses town, tries to merge himself in the fake-nice blue of the shelves at work, then corners himself right between the chimney and the bar on Emily's side, stuck in-between two sources of warmth that can never touch him unless he swings one way or the other. And he doesn't a lot, still keeping to himself strictly. You probably wouldn't think either of how dreamy he gets, hidden in his alcove but seeing everything from there.
When Harvey nerds out about classical, jazz and electro swing music down the bar to me, trying to catch me up on my fuzzy memories of arts history and the implications of breaking codes in the tempo and the leisure of each instruments; of how each note gets a specific response from the brain if done right, and can make up for caffeine deprivation in miraculous ways, when there are no more chances to push back the dread of midterms season at doctor school.
When Elliott, boisterous and drunk, arm-on-arm with an equally inebriated Leah, calls out to the whole place to hear out his latest soliloquy, and drags on the words too much, but with a voice that carries it well, all flamboyance and no limits, as his hair floats around him in a crown and he reigns over the room like a kind lion- Description all intoxicated words from your chicken man truly, not mine. I always get too caught up in the pendulum of Leah's braid and her crooked smile to quite appreciate his theatrics. But the recital rings clear, and everyone applauds the performance- because hey, you applaud a drunk guy showing off the prowess of not tripping a single word in a ten minutes tirade, but also because it really is that good! Everyone, even Shane, whose hands zipped to under his armpits the moment our eyes crossed and I met his pink cheeks with a clairvoyant smile.
Hey, what can I say. Dude's a sapiosexual. Hence why we'll never and cannot bang. That, and, uh, the being lesbian thing.
But all this is closed off and not for anyone to see behind see-through fogged windows, like those kitchen cabinets, when you can make out the piled plates all resting against the cold surface precariously, bound to crash and shatter the moment you open them.
It took a good wrecking ball of a fake-oblivious polite faced stranger and my incessant, hot pepper poppers-powered pestering, to even just crackles the glass.
The rest was all done out of his own volition. He can't see that because alcohol is a depressant, and guzzling it down leads to blurry concepts made softer always and pretty much lush in brain, and when he's off the thing, and that's rare, he instantly goes from not there to thinking he's everywhere, soiling everything and giving nothing.
His sobbing doesn't relent, and he whimpers issues of "trustworthy sack of shit", "not being worth the fucking shrink's money", "not being worth his aunt's troubles", "not being worth Jas". At some point he goes to grapple with his hair, and tugs brusquely once, then twice, then I have to reach for his wrist to make him stop, which he snatches back as soon as I make contact. But he doesn't grab anything to pull or pinch or punch again, so that's good. I stay on standby beside him, but don't touch him. He rasps more condemnations, struggles to breathe enough through the phlegm spreading in his respiratory system, and I start reenacting the steps to stop a hyperventilation in my head, and the first aid for choking, when he begins to cough violently, his entire frame upset with the movement.
He takes the tissue box i nudge with insistence toward him, and ends up spitting mouthfuls of mucus mixed with some bile in the basin under his feet. Most of it is clear and smells of fruits, not beer, so I'm not too worried. When I go to stabilize him by taking his shoulders, he grasps at my wrists to stop me- but let them stay here, while he clings. The tremors get to me now, and I remind myself that this is good, this is before the cliffs and him finding refuge to burst open, not glassily stare at the weeping clouds as he blabbers on the meaninglessness of his life.
This is… very alive.
I ought to be glad.
I let him come down at his rhythm, counting the pulses of his wrists as I feel mine numb with the blood circulation slowed down under his hold.
When he's back with a mind, I count to three, then let go. His arms flop back down, on his lap and hands dangling between his tighs. He blows his nose again.
"I'm so pathetic…"
"Yeah sure, and I'm a serial prom queen."
Instead of jabbing back and forth, we get interrupted by a soft mewling. Both of us turn to the door, that's opened slightly to let in Eryza, the pitter-patter of her paws on the stone flooring the only sound for a moment…
As we both stare in revulsion at her jaw, a single line of vomit dripping of it.
Shane puts his head down in shame, not even having the strenght to hide further.
"Sorry."
"Nah, 's okay. She's already trash, anyway."
Eryza edges closer and rapidly tour around our legs- going back to Shane's feet twice, her whiskers tickling his exposed ankles. Purring loudly, she completely ignore my chastizing as I threaten to make her diet periwinkle-based to counter-act her literal potty mouth, and she scampers to do who-knows-what in the rooms.
"Your vibes are rancid, do you hear me?? Rancid, girl!" I call after her. "I swear to Yoba, Shane, your aunt might as well have brought me a raccoon."
Turning back to him, I can see the short-lived humor of the situation was, well, short-lived. I sigh.
It's late. We're both tired. Tomorrow is sunday. It's cool. We've got time.
I don't sit back down right away. First, I put a hand down on the nape of his neck, that slides to the top of his scalp, right where he'd tug. My quota, remember?
He sniffles some, a few teardrops make their way to the planks, unheard. We stay like this for a moment.
He doesn't shake me off, but in the slow tandem his body takes, rocking lightly from back to forth, I can tell it's enough, for now.
I sit back down on my chair.
I lean on the hand I'd put in his dark purple strands before, smelling cedar wood and pine trees. I don't assume. My farm has plenty of those to stumble through. And even if he went back to the cliff, another time again. I do that too. With my own cliffs back at not-home, but close. There's a sense, in staring down what couldn't take you.
Like visiting a scene crime that you've narrowly escaped from. And pride too. And the thrill of asking- "what if again? What if this time?"- and okay, I can see why it'd be worrying to have him go there a thrice time on his own late in the evening.
But last time was fine, the one before was made fine, and he might need a bitch for a friend right now, but not a watchdog.
His forehead is back against the table.
Three fingers massage my temple. I don't know how much he'll even remember tomorrow, but it's worth the try, always.
"Shane, dude, look at me." He doesn't.
"Dude."
Still doesn't budge. I knock the wood lightly.
"Yo, punk, my eyes are up here." I joke.
He snorts, or maybe he sniffles, and his chin's now resting on the table, peering through the forgotten drinks to watch me. His hands are hidden, probably still clutching his midsection. If I went on a rollercoaster toasted, I'd probably look the exact same.
"I told you before that you literally couldn't be a burden."
He snorts for sure this time, derisive. I knock wood again. "Don't look away from me when I talk, young man. Rude ass punk."
"Bitch." He throws.
"Bitch bastard man." I send back. "Anyways, as I was saying. If I choose you're my dumb of ass to keep around, that's me, that's my decision. You can't burden me if I choose the hard mode package and roll with it. So stop it. I literally told you before, it's not about you not making efforts or burdening people, it's about people who want to deal with you, out of free will."
"Freaky."
"Oh shut up, you dramatic himbo wannabe."
"A what now?"
"Internet slang. Gotta admit you're closer to a dad bod type, but the energy's here, according to many."
He shuffles, self-conscious. "Y'don't need to remind me…"
"Oh hush you, you're perfectly fine. And Elliott would eat his dumb little lobster and pomegranate toasts off that belly if you'd grow out of your own shell and let him."
He sputters unintelligibly, red as a fecking pepper. Good. Flustered is better than self-depreciating.
But now he's pulled on his hood and the strings all the way out, and resumes to chanting me to fuck off, so that might be a good call for a break.
"I'm gonna change and clean up, you need anything? Do you think you'll go back to the ranch, or stay here for the night?" It's happened before, but you can count them on the fingers of one hand.
A long silence follows and I allow myself a quick look in the mirror. Yeah, we're skipping a shower tonight, but the simple hairbrush will not do. I look like a bird's nest that the birds fought in to know who'd keep the children when bird 2 takes off and bird 1 is left to mourn the empty space that'll never fill up the same again and the good times that won't be- wow, trauma lane much, not now, cowpal. First we buckle up our current rodeo. I walk back to the main room, now pajama-clad.
"I've got the beds for the possible kids up there, don't ask me why Robin put so many there, we're two people in a house, and I can lend you a Tee if you want."
He's anxious, chewing his thumb. "Emily won't mind?"
"She's out, sleeping at Haley's tonight. Girls' night and sisters catching up. It's important for her energy flow and karmic balance. Plus, you know she wouldn't mind, she likes you."
That makes him blush more, covering up the alcohol damage enough. I take note, but don't comment. Things for later. They pile up tonight.
"I- I can't go back to the ranch like this."
"You could. Marnie knows better than act as if you're doing this for fun, now. She'd have to understand. But you don't have to." I reassure him when agitated pupils jump up to me. Let's keep that ongoing panic attack at bay. "Either way, I won't mind."
I sit back. Stretch my arms between us. Catch his worrying hands into mine. Give him a squeeze. Tense appendages don't squeeze back, but don't pull back either. That's half a win. He stops torturing the poor things, and unfold with visible effort, like a crumpled up paper flower put on water. His head shakes, and I can't tell if it's conscious, him speaking with himself or trying to shake off a thought, or just a reflex. He visibly forces his shoulders to relax.
"I'm… not bothering you?" Righteous. Seeking vocal positive reinforcement, like a pro.
"Nope." I pop out the 'p'.
"... I think I'll, uh, stay for tonight."
My hands shoot into the air. "Woo! Sleepover, baby!"
I don't catch his hands curling back on themselves, trying to capture that leftover warmth in the late summer night.
--- to be continued.
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ridiasfangirlings · 6 years
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We've seen Saru with schizophrenia....but what about Yata with it??
I think a lot ofpeople would be affected if Yata suddenly developed schizophrenia,like his personality takes this huge shift and everyone’s worriedabout him and no one seems to know what’s happened. Oh oh or ultimateangst scenario, what if he started showing symptoms post-S1 and noone noticed because Yata was on his own so much, like while he’s inthe bar by himself depressed over everything he starts hallucinatingMikoto and Totsuka and it screws with his head, like thehallucinations were so real he’s not even sure if they were justcreated by his mind or if it’s the world where they’re dead thatisn’t real. When MK happens Yata starts feeling better but he stillsees hallucinations from time to time and starts developing othersymptoms like trouble focusing and sometimes his own thoughts scarehim but he won’t tell anyone because he doesn’t want to worry therest of the clan after all they’ve been through. Maybe unbeknownst toYata his bio dad actually had schizophrenia too and refused to treatit which is why Yata’s mom eventually divorced him, feeling that hemight become a danger to their son, but she never told Yata and hehas no idea that he could be genetically predisposed to having it.Post-ROK he finds his symptoms getting worse, like it’s hard toseparate things he’s actually seeing from what he thinks he sees andsometimes he’s even convinced that Mikoto and Totsuka are still aliveand everyone else is just trying to hide them from him for somereason. He pushes Fushimi away too, seeing visions of Fushimitaunting him again and betraying him and maybe he even has some kindof hallucination of Fushimi burning not just his tattoo but himself,entire body disintegrating into ash and when the actual Fushimi runsinto Yata later Yata’s eyes just keep slipping away from him, notfocusing on him at all.
Eventually I thinkYata’s behavior would be noticed and everyone would try to get himhelp. Even though Anna’s Strain powers have weakened she still hassome empathetic abilities and she begins to notice that there’ssomething ‘fragmented’ about Yata that worries her, like sometimesthere’s an aura around him that scares her and makes her worried forhim. Kusanagi notices too, how Yata’s personality seems to havechanged from the usual brash kid they know and he’s becoming oddlydistant, as if he’s in his own world and the rest of them can’t reachhim. Maybe it’s Fushimi who figures it out though, worried enoughthat he finally goes to see Yata’s mom to tell her what’s going onand she reveals that Yata’s dad was schizophrenic, she had hoped thatYata wouldn’t develop the same condition but hearing how Yata’s beenacting reminds her of how Yata’s dad was after he really startedshowing symptoms. Fushimi ends up going after Yata, checking firstthe bar and then Yata’s apartment before he finally manages to findYata just standing on a corner staring at nothing. Fushimi tries toget it through Yata’s head that he’s sick and needs to see a doctorbut Yata’s such a mess at this point that he doesn’t know if he’sgoing crazy or what and he doesn’t even know if this is the realFushimi, and the whole time Fushimi’s just shaking him and superworried because he doesn’t quite know how to handle Yata fallingapart in front of him.
Eventually I thinkwith help from everyone else Yata would be able to see a doctor andget medication and everything. I think he might be down on himselffor a while once he’s back in a mostly normal frame of mind, like hefeels as if there’s something broken about him that he neverknew before and maybe he’s just a liability to everyone now.Everyone’s really supportive though, like even Fushimi in his own wayis constantly checking up on Yata and even when it looks like he’sbeing a jerk to Yata it’s actually his way of trying to break Yataout of his funk, to make him feel more like everything’s still normaland the way Fushimi thinks about Yata hasn’t changed just becauseYata has this disorder now.
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CHAPTER 1//Let The Games Begin
Summary:
Atlas Shaye is an American exchange student joining Izuku and the others for their third and final year at UA.
She struggles to let go of her past, causing her to push away her classmates, isolating herself while battling depression and self harm. One day, her biggest fear comes true and she attempts suicide. During recovery, she realizes she must trust her newfound friends with her darkest secret in order to heal.
Things are finally looking up back at UA, that is, until a villain attack on the school. Working as a team, the students of class 3-A win the fight, but at a cost.
Unbeknownst to the heroes, the villains have a new interest in Atlas and her dangerous abilities. It's not long before the they are enacting a new plan, one that will change her life forever.
Can the people she loves rescue her before it's too late?
Or will she succumb to the darkness inside?
----------------------------------
TRIGGER WARNING:
Scenes/mentions of rape, self harm, suicide, mental illness, torture, and graphic violence.
×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××
-ATLAS-
I take a shaky breath, staring up at the towering door in front of me. It's light grey with giant red letters that read 3-A.
I should go in. I should introduce myself to my new classmates. I should be excited to be enrolled in the best hero course in the world. I should be thrilled that I am the only foreign exchange student they allowed in.
But I'm not.
Instead, the icy fingers of anticipation have wrapped themselves around my stomach and are squeezing tight. I'm not worried about not being able to keep up with the heroes in training that are all waiting behind the door. I know I can hold my own against even Midoriya, Todoroki, or Bakugou. After watching them for the last two years in the sports festival and news footage of fights they have been involved in, I have all the proof I need that I could take them on. No, I'm not concerned about losing to any of them. I'm worried about hurting or killing them. I'm worried about controlling my quirk. I'm worried about having a repeat of two years ago.
I have to remind myself that I'm not here to make friends.
I'm the only exchange student that made it into the program. I have been training at the top American hero school, but nothing holds a candle to UA, so I jumped at the opportunity to complete my final year here. Besides, a fresh start where no one knows me, or what I did, is exactly what I've been craving.
I take a breath and steel myself. I grab the handle and slide the door open.
Shota Aizawa is standing at the front of the class. He is wearing his usual black shirt and pants, complete with his black and silver belt. His capture weapon and goggles are resting around his neck. He looks at me when I step into the room. Everything goes silent and I can sense twenty pairs of eyes staring at me, sizing me up. I'm sure they've all been informed of my arrival. It's uncommon for UA to accept any new student for the third year, especially an exchange student.
"Class, this is our new student." Mr. Aizawa drones. His tone is bored, but his eyes are locked onto me, not missing a thing. I guess they told him about the instability of my quirk. But in my defense, I've learned to control it now. My last major incident was two years ago. I turn my attention to the group of students before me. "Go ahead and introduce yourself." My teacher orders.
"My name is Atlas Shaye. You can call me Atlas. I'm an exchange student from America. My quirk is energy manipulation." I don't hesitate. I sweep my eyes over each of them, making eye contact with everyone individually. When I say the last sentence, I activate my quirk for only a second, allowing my usually grey eyes to flash blue at them. I try to make my face menacing. I see some of their eyes widen.
"Miss Shaye, your seat is the empty desk between Todoroki and Tokoyami. Please make your way there now. I was just going over the syllabus." Mr. Aizawa instructs. I obey, quickly sitting in the uncomfortable chair and turning my attention to the tall, dark haired man. "This year will be different than years previous. You will be broken up into groups and will be patrolling each week, making good use of your provisional hero licenses. Also, your training will be more intense than in years previous." His dark eyes land on me as he says his next sentences. "You will face the hardest challenges yet this year. Be prepared for a fight." I smirk, locking eyes with the man at the head of the class. If he's trying to scare me, it won't work. I'm ready for whatever the people around me can throw my way. They won't stand a chance. "You are all dismissed. You have lunch, then training with All Might and myself after. If you need me, I'll be taking a nap." He slings his yellow sleeping bag over his shoulder and walks out of the door, closing it behind him.
I sense all twenty pairs of eyes lock onto me again.
"Can I help you?" I stand, glancing around the room at my competition.
"Hi, I'm Midoriya!" I immediately find the boy. Of course I recognize his messy green hair and his freckles. Izuku is as friendly as I expected him to be. But I can't let them in close. The events of two years ago are still fresh in my mind. I have to keep these people at bay for their own safety.
"I don't recall asking for your name." I say, coldly. He stops in his tracks. I feel the tension around me build. I turn to address all of the others. "Let me make myself very clear: I am not here to make friends. There is nothing that any of you could offer me that I'm interested in. Save yourselves the trouble and leave me alone." I shoulder my backpack and push past the students gathered around me.
I stalk into the hallway, leaving my stunned peers behind me. I feel a heavy weight settle on my chest and my eyes start to burn, tears pricking at the corners. I roughly wipe them away.
The truth is that I want nothing more than to be friends with the students here. They're all amazing and talented heroes in training, but I would never forgive myself if I hurt any of them. I will not let them close enough to be caught in the crossfire should I lose control again.
I make my way to the cafeteria, where I sit alone at a table. My new classmates all give me a wide berth, avoiding me after my speech earlier. I feel relieved that they're heeding my advice.
×××
Lunch goes by quickly, and soon, it's time for training. I reach the classroom and take my seat before anyone else. I'm relaxed, waiting for the others to file back in. I notice that Tokoyami takes the long way back to his desk so he doesn't have to walk by me. That's fine by me. No one makes eye contact as they file in. Maybe my coldness towards Midoriya was all it took for them to know I mean business.
Everyone is seated and chatting among themselves when All Might bursts through the door. He's in his muscle form, grinning like he always does.
After his battle with All for One two years ago, everyone thought he was done being a hero. Then, his close friend David, who is the head scientist at I-Island, managed to create an implant that retained the power All Might had before the fight. It allows him to still work as a pro hero for limited amounts of time each day.
"You all look eager to train! Grab your outfits and change. Meet me at training center alpha." His deep voice booms. Everyone stands and makes their way to the wall where twenty one compartments have pushed out. All the cases are numbered. I grab mine, #21, and head to the locker rooms.
While the others are changing out in the open, I make my way to a stall. I am not ashamed of my body, but the scars lining my left arm are very obvious. Not to mention the fresh deep cuts that are only a few days old. I don't need everyone here knowing that I battle with self-harm and depression.
I step into the costume I brought from home, a paneled black bodysuit made of thick bullet resistant material. It comes with a utility belt where I keep my throwing blades that I use on occasion. It's long sleeved, but I never overheat while wearing it thanks to the high tech temperature regulating lining on the inside. The neck line stops halfway up my neck, and tucked inside is a face mask I can pull up over my mouth and nose in case of a gas attack. I complete my look with combat boots that come to rest midway up my shin. 
I leave the stall and find that the others are still changing, chatting happily with each other. Conversation ceases when they see me. I walk straight past them without a second glance and head out to where some of the guys are already milling around. I hang off to the right side, keeping to myself as the rest of the class joins us. All Might and Mr. Aizawa appear before us, scanning over our small group.
"I see that you are all here, good." All Might booms, his arms outstretched to our group. "Today's training is nothing like we've done before. You will be each going alone, playing the hero. We will allow you to pick a group of at least three of your peers that you want to face off against as your villains." He booms. An excited buzz spreads over the mass of students. I find myself smiling.
"There's a catch." Mr. Aizawa's voice is quiet, but it silences everyone almost immediately. "When you are playing the hero, you will be fitted with a quirk suppression collar. It is on a timer set for ten minutes. When the match starts, you will be left without your quirk until the timer goes off. This is to simulate the situation where you are outnumbered in a fight, but have used up all your power, or have had your quirk erased. Once the timer goes off, your quirk will be returned to you. If you are still standing by that point, then you will be allowed to finish the fight with your quirk. All Might and I will be watching each match. They will end when either the hero or the villains have been defeated, or fifteen minutes pass." He pulls eye drops out of one of his pockets as he finishes and applies them to each eye.
"Aoyama is up first. Do you know who you want to face?" All Might beams. The flamboyant blonde boy smiles, fluffing his sparkling purple cape.
"I want to face Mineta, Shouji, and Asui." He chirps as Mr. Aizawa fits the suppression collar around his neck.
"I told you," The frog girl grumbles, "To call me Tsu."
"Make your way to the city center. That's where you'll be fighting." Mr. Aizawa sounds bored again. As a group, we start towards a towering force field spanning five city blocks from one end to the other. The first group heads through the opening of the force field, while the rest of us head to a nearby building to watch the match in a room with a large screen along one wall. All the camera bots in the training center are broadcasting every possible angle and insure that we won't miss a thing.
"Alright, Aoyama. The timer starts now. You may begin!" All Might speaks into a a microphone that transmits into the arena.
We watch in varying degrees of interest as the battle begins.
Aoyama is at a severe disadvantage against his opponents. Shouji makes the first move, quickly rushing the caped boy, who is running for the nearby building. It appears that he's going to make it, when Tsu drops in his path, blocking the entrance to the building. Aoyama turns to run out of the way of the two heroes, but finds that he can't move, thanks to one of Mineta's sticky balls holding his foot in place. We watch the trapped hero struggle to no avail. Shouji attaches the handcuffs given to him by Mr. Aizawa to each of Aoyama's wrists. All Might calls the match.
A low rumble spreads through the room, the students realizing that this will not be an easy win. Aoyama didn't even last the first 10 minutes.
I can't help the smile that plays on my lips. I know I can win this even without my quirk. I feel someone staring at me and look up to find Mr. Aizawa's dark eyes studying me intensely. I drop my head, ignoring his sharp gaze.
The matches carry on like that for a while-most of the heroes don't make it until the timer goes off to get their quirks back. Some of the students, like Midoriya and Bakugou, actually win their fights. It's interesting to see where my peers' weaknesses lie. I take mental notes after each fight.
Then, it's my turn.
All eyes are on me as I size up the class. Every single student is still conscious and able to fight. I smile darkly. They are going to hate me after this. I can't wait.
"Tell me, young Atlas, have you picked your opponents?" All Might asks. Mr. Aizawa is watching me warily.
"I have, Sir." I announce. Some of the students share apprehensive glances between them. Others glare at me, almost like they're daring me to say their names.
"I think we all are looking forward to hearing your choices." He beams. I sweep my eyes over the group. I smile again.
"I have decided," I pause for effect and watch my classmates squirm. "that I want to fight every remaining student."
Silence spreads over the room. All Might is the first to recover.
"You want to fight...everyone? All twenty students? Are you sure about that?" His deep tone is surprised. I nod my head. Apprehension spreads through the room.
"Yes, I'm sure." I don't break eye contact with the giant man. His smile returns and his laugh booms through the small space.
"Very well, then. You will be fighting against all twenty of your peers." He declares. I nod again. The students I'll be facing don't waste any time and have formed a large huddle, obviously planning for the upcoming match.
Mr. Aizawa walks up behind me, suppression collar in hand. He stands behind me, fitting the device around my neck. He connects it at the base of my neck and sets the timer. His hand brushes my skin as he does so and a chill runs down my spine, though I'm not sure if it's from the collar or his touch.
"I'll be on the field for this match. Just in case." He informs me lowly. I can't decide if it's for the safety of my classmates or my own. I just nod, my mind rapidly forming a plan.
I look to the group still in a huddle before me.
"Well, are we going to fight or what?" I ask impatiently. They shift back into upright positions and stare at me. Midoriya steps forward.
"You're on."
I grin. Let the games begin.
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paosiopao · 6 years
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Blog entry: July 16, 2018
Monday 03:07am
"Why aren’t you reacting normally to death?
Why you're not feeling it like everyone else is?"
I was asked this question multiple times already and last night with Tatay and thought is would make a good blog.
I think it's because I'm one of those people who seems to feel almost nothing after the death of someone close it can be easy to worry that I'm aren’t behaving as I'm supposed to, or I'm aren’t dealing with it, or that I'm ‘cold’ – the word used to describe by many people who asked me this question.
I’ve written quite a bit before on why I shouldn’t set certain expectations of what I'm experience looks and feels like and not to feel guilty about any of the way I am feeling, but I’d like to touch specifically upon this particular feeling – this numbness. It’s not denial or disbelief – there is almost a quiet acceptance in it. And it’s not that I necessarily feel fine about it….it’s more that I aren’t really feeling anything.
And at this time one of people’s biggest worries for me is
a) that I'm aren’t behaving as I should and
b) that maybe I'm aren’t dealing with what has happened.
So let’s talk about that…
What should I be feeling?
I won’t write a lot here. What I will reiterate though is that anything I'm feeling or not feeling is fine. I don’t care what you’ve read, heard, or been told – there are no rules, no required process or pattern that I must follow. What I feel is what I feel. Try not to judge and decide what I should be feeling or what would be a better or more appropriate way to feel.
So why do I feel numb?
According to my GP. One of the symptoms of unprocessed grief and one of the common symptoms or reactions to trauma is emotional numbing. Often after experiencing or witnessing something tragic we become emotionally numb as a way of protecting our conscious mind from the pain of that raw experience. This emotional numbing is often closely linked with denial, becoming armored, and cutting off parts of ourselves or parts of our feelings so that we don’t have to experience the depth of the pain. It’s emotionally satisfying, and satisfying to our egos, and our self-esteem to think that we are so tough that witnessing pain, experiencing pain, and causing pain don’t affect us.
It is mental separation or barrier between me and my trauma. It's a natural defence mechanism of the mind that we seem to have in common with a number of other species. Its evolutionary purpose (i.e.,the "survival advantage" it confers) is to let us keep going when a catastrophic injury we've sustained, be it physical or emotional, would defeat us if we fully experienced it in the moment. It happens to soldiers in combat, it happens to accident victims, it happens to people who have been profoundly betrayed by abuse, abandonment, or deception, and it happens when we suddenly lose the people most dear to us to death.
It doesn't happen in every case, but it happens often enough to be well within the bounds of "normal."
The first thing to know is…don’t worry that I'm aren’t dealing with this. My mind is working on it. If you worry that i'm aren’t grieving or ‘letting it out’ – there is probably another outlet that i'm doing, even if not a big or obvious one. I might be getting angry or upset about other, seemingly unrelated things instead. I will be letting it out – maybe just in little ways. My numbness is often just a bit of a bubble protecting me from trying to get my head around too much too soon. And though I don’t want to stay in this bubble too long, for now it can be incredibly useful. If it wasn’t helping me out right now I wouldn’t be doing it.
So in answer to “why aren’t I reacting normally to this death” the answer is……I am. I'm just doing it in a different way and in a way that suits me far better for now.
05:34pm
Tita Mabu invited us to Palms Country Club
Ibang level of stress ang dulot nitong si Migs eh. Depressed din ko ngayon please wag niya na dagdagan stress ko ngayon nahihirapan ako to act calm when he’s around (potek) I don’t want him to feel bad because I can totally see na he’s a sad person. I don’t know I just know it or may because having mental illness or any mental disorder for that matter makes you see the world in a different way. I notice things that normal people can’t. Like the emptiness in their eyes, the way they smile doesn’t reach their eyes, the anxiousness the feel when they interact in front of others. Just the little things that most people would look over but I notice. Because they’re just like me.
Kaya here I am pinag-mumukha ko sarili kong busy para di niya ako kausapin kasi I don’t want him to feel bad but I’m bad at it coz damn I’m pretty obvious that I don’t want to talk to him (maygawd) I even asked Kenzo to call me every 15mins so I can escape.
06:02pm
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Lol ngayon ko lang nakita yung text message ni Tatay. Kausapin ko daw si Migs!! (Mukha ba kaming close tay!!)
Buti na lang ngayon ko lang nakita kundi magkaka-panic attacks ako!
09:34pm
I actually like Tita Mabu.
I feel like she’s like me. Yung tipong ang super powers niya is pagiging observant. I don’t know she also noticed na malungkot si Migs. Now I feel bad kasi I know how it feels like to suffer.
Also biglang na-shift ang kwento about my mental health. I told them I was doing better, I told them I was doing great and for a moment I almost believed myself. That all it takes is one beautiful smile to hide my injured soul, how I’m slowly fading away falling apart right in front of their eyes, how they will never notice how broken I really am.
I guess, there comes a point where talking about it doesn't make you feel better anymore. You just live with your mouth closed and your walls up and your heart hidden. I don’t really want to talk about it. Now that I’m certain na I’m beyond help. Wala na akong magagawa about it…tanggap ko na...
Tanggap ko na that this darkness will be an inevitable part of me.
But at the same time I also feel bad because I can feel that they’re genuinely do care for me. So many people have told me that I need to open up but not a single person understands that every time I pry apart my rib cage, releasing all my butterflies that have been hiding there for years. 
I’m too afraid that every person I let in..in my life, something bad always happens and I end up miserable again. It’s like you’re constantly getting your hopes up, only to be disappointed every single damn time, to the point where you just learn to never get your hopes up again for anything. I am so used to the disappointment and sadness, so that’s what I become used to and afraid to be anything but that because it’s a terrible feeling to feel so good, only to sink back so low. So I stay that way, so I won’t have to go through the pain all over again. 
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