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#we’ve never even had a one to one convo
sixeyesgojo · 5 days ago
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Dear Elli,
it’s me, Nie. Gosh, I suck at letters
First of all, happy birthday!
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It’s been a little more than a month since we met. According to Tumblr at least but somehow it feels muuuuuuch longer.
I remember it clearly: the way I read your Best Friends series (there was only one part at that time) and commented how I wasn’t sure whether I found it sweet or hot. Turns out, you thought the same! And then I (playfully) suggested that you ‘could always split it into two parts’. And girl, you clowned me by deciding to go with 5 parts instead.
I also remember talking you through your first shadowban because damn, I felt bad because the same happened to me 😭😭😭
Furthermore, I was surprised when you followed me first, I was like “They really wanna follow me? omg” 😳😳😳
I really felt like a little girl who just got her birthday present or something, that was soooo exciting lmao
Don’t really remember who dmed who first but I love the way we sent each other weird songs (key word: Nicki Minaj Starships) AHAHAHA
It felt like we’re riding the same wave.
The way I complained about people calling me a Gojo anti? Not iconic of me but you editing that high school Gojo onto my forehead surely was iconic as hell!
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Let’s see, what else do I remember?
Ah yes, the way I attempted to become nun-nie after reading one of your smuts (I think it was the Toji escort one) but failing after.... 10 (!) minutes or even less... embarrassing 😖
Our endless talk about our WIPs (and us struggling with writing) and me cackling whenever you went “IS IT ANGST???” at mine. But that was not one-sided because I also questioned whether I could withstand the heat in your smut 🥲🥲
Prime example: You writing Best Friends part 3 while you told me about it and I was like 🥵🥵🥵🥵 but also laughing because we were looking for Domain Expansion names for the Reader and all I contributed was “Is ‘Blast of Divine Intervention’ Jesus’ ultimate technique?” 😭🤧
Okay, so here’s another random memory I remember but I don’t have any idea how we came to talk about it:
Candy. I recall telling you about how I didn’t like Candy Corn but that was already mid-convo??? And at some point you said something about “disc-shaped” candy and my illiterate ass read “dick-shaped candy” and that literally had me googling dick-shaped candy aksdhakdhasjkd
Also, our constant “Oh, what time is it??” in dms HAHAHA
At some point I memorized that you’re 6 hours behind me and even added your timezone to my phone (this is real love ❤).
Not to be horny on main but... The times we talked about domming Gojo bye
Wayyy too many times... not that I mind tho HAHA
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Thank you for being a friend to me. Over the past few weeks we’ve grown so close - I never would have thought because I didn’t expect to find any friends on here but wouldn’t have it any other way. Thank you for talking to me & making me feel at ease ♥
Remember, you can talk to me at any time - I signed up for it.
Now let me smooch you hehe 😚
In conclusion:
Dear tumblr user @megumifushi​ , I love you very much and I hope we can continue creating funny memories in the future 💙
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Also, here’s a funny convo we had in the first few days of talking:
Me: Girl, see you in hell
You:  omg ok 😖
Me: Hope we’re in the same district
You: HAHAHHSAHA  DISTRICT? what in the hunger games 💀
Me: I wanted to say department actually but my bye-lingual brain
You: no it made sense I just love that you thought the devil would care enough to organize our suffering 😖😖😖
Me: No, hell is an offfice and we have to work agonizing hours
(P.S: I sound so dry here because I can’t use emojis when I chat on Tumblr on my PC... even for this letter I had to go back and forth between PC and phone to add emojis  OASJSJCJc)
Signed with love,
Nie 💜
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caughtinkorea · 10 days ago
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Heart to Heart
I recently talked with Little Brother and it was good to have a moment of similar perspective. Throughout the time I’ve known him I don’t ever remember him getting angry or upset. It’s going on 7 years now (time flies T_T). But he recently told me he’s been in a bad mood lately. Though it’s not bad, life doesn’t always pan out exactly how you want it. He said he wants to move back to Australia asap. Said he thinks about it every hour. I see it as a good thing. He has something to strive for. 
The similar part came from how his mood in Korea has changed. Let’s just say his eyes have been open, and once that happens it’s hard to go back to how things were. Korea changed me over time. I started off very positive, happy, and looking forward to the new adventure of living amongst a different culture. Unfortunately a lot of my sentiment changed over the years. I noticed how the air and weather began to affect my mood or how the build up of certain interactions put a damper on how I saw things. Friends around me began to notice and I resented the ways I had changed. I even remember him pointing it out to me one day and alluding he had missed the old me and was hoping I’d find my way back again. Still always encouraging me along the way and showing he was always there for me if I needed him. Now things seem to be going in a somewhat similar direction for him. 
The work culture is starting to weigh on him and he misses the clear blue skies of Australia. He’s seeing just how much weather and pollution affects personality. And it’s true. It starts to really mess with your head. The first week I moved to Korea I didn’t see the sun. It was odd to me. The sun was up but it definitely wasn’t out. I just thought it was constant cloud cover. Naively I mentioned it to one of the friends I had made early on that lived in the same apartment building. Really just wondering what that was about and why that was. She turned to me and said “That’s pollution sweety”. It still didn’t fully register in my brain at the time. But that would be a foreshadowing of my stay in Korea. Korea is gray outside like 90% of the time. At least that’s how it is in Incheon/Seoul. This is due to heavy pollution. My naïve self had never experienced anything like it before so at first it wasn’t computing. 
Pollution really has a huge effect on you. And the sad thing we’ve both realized is that a lot of our Korean friends (Koreans in general) don’t know this. Like they can’t even truly grasp or fathom it because this is what they’ve lived in all their lives. It made me realize how much I took clean clear skies for granted. Little Brother also started to notice how easily offended people around him get. And this is the guy that seemingly offends no one. If anything he has a way of making everyone feel good around him. I started to notice that too. I would say things that I would have never imagined would offend anyone but somehow still did. For example, I remember having a convo with Uzi about something or another and the topic of kimchi came up. I merely said it had a strong smell and he was immediately offended. HUH?! He shoots back “Well, cheese stinks!”..... I was like Ooooookaaaayyy o_0.
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In my mind I was like “What was that?”. Was I supposed to be offended that you think cheese stinks? Because I’m American? And Koreans have for whatever reason associated cheese for Americans to a kimchi equivalent? 0_o
Anyway, Little Brother found himself apologizing for bringing up any kind of negativity to the conversation. I understand he was ranting even though it wasn’t much of a rant. He hadn’t really said much of anything at all, and definitely nothing to even apologize for. His words were rather comforting because it was good to see that another person was beginning to experience things the way I did. Makes you feel a little less crazy.
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lichaltar · 10 days ago
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Concerning the post  XXX
if your gonna call someone out with their specific mannerisms on display you may as well slap their name on there. Once you’re tossing discord out it’s not vague blogging anymore. We’ve graduated from vague blogging, so there’s several things im fairly confused about. 
1) Where did you get that I don’t speak japanese because last time we spoke about that you told me you were rusty with it. 
2) You say you lived in japan for a while and then adopted into canada near adulthood, but from our conversations I was told you were raised in canada by brazilians. 
3) Are you Japanese-Brazilian with a hyphen, as in part of a family that are members of the Japanese community that live in Brazil, or is that you’re ethnic mix? I’m extremely confused here, as my recollection of your family history is that your Japanese family lives in Japan.
4) My mother has always been mixed and that was one of the first things I told you, once again someone was there for the convo and they’re IN this community. 
5) As for accusations of shit stirring causing drama and gate keeping. Look it’s cool you have an idea of what gate keeping is and have a different idea of appropriate rep but it’s really fucking uncool of you to say someone isn’t japanese because they had a different idea of representation than you did. I’m part of a minority group of japan, my shits waaay different.  
6) You went to school in japan but you never once told me and i find it really weird that you have no pictures of that or you when you were out and about. You take a LOT of selfies, so it feels odd that theres no selfies of you that I’ve seen in japan. 
7) The eye issues, if you struggle with dysmorphia that’s really sad and it sucks, it’s never something I was made aware of nor did you ever tell me. Not once.  No shade if you struggle with aspects of you appearance due to bullying then thats fucked and I hope you’re getting the appropriate help for that. Many of us dealt with that so yeah- I get it sorry for that.
8) A Public form isn’t the proper place to hash out this shit with your background because it’s kind of all over the place and best left between us. 
9) People that are members of another culture tend to talk a lot about where we’re from. If having those convo’s is uncomfortable with you then you should have told me, as someone who found another person close to their mix I get excited to share experiences, if you didn’t want that you should have said it seeing as you’re an adult. 
10) You couldn’t have been here for 11 years, unless you’re not being honest about your age- that would have made you EXTREMELY young in this community. 
11) You edit your pictures- you can say you don’t but honeyyyy. Their bad- I see where you edit them. That may be a part of your problem with your appearance Once again, I wont say shit about that on a public forem, but doing that shit (Making your head super tiny for example) Probably isn’t helping your self image and mental health.  
Ultimately while you’re making accusations about me on a public forum and that does make me angry- this is mostly just a confusing and sloppy post. At this point you should just say who they’re between. I did have private conversations but you took this very public. 
It’s clear what this post is about and I have the right to respond. At this point there needs to be a lot of clarification because I’m extremely confused. this isn’t even all of it, I just felt like the other things aren’t appropriate to talk about so publicly.  Also keep in mind that my roommate was right here and was present in all of our conversations. I’ve even been to another member of the community’s home for a week- I have my pictures, I have my people in line- I have my proof. Where’s yours?I’d like some clarifications because there's so many twists and turns in this fucking story. Maybe we’re just confused fuck if I know anymore. It’s the ever evolving tale of Mimi. 
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inoticed · a month ago
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we went to a party. 
we made the rounds and sifted through small talk in the breeze by the ocean as it was rushing and roaring. i couldn’t feel my toes, as the how are you’s floooded in like the water down below. the how is work and where are you living now, came as i was in between bites of chips and guac. it was cold and we were doing our best -- catching up with the dreamers and doers that left the city for beach life and never looked back. they excite and baffle us and speak life into all the cracks where fear has eaten away at us. we moved indoors down the road for chicken noodle soup and questions like how has married changed you and who have you become. the questions that make you reflect and sometimes verbally processes as a group around the kitchen island, with the scents of lemongrass and lime as layers are shed because the wind can’t get us in here. it excites me, for what i don’t know. but i know i filled my bowl with soup and finished it, along with our convo satisfied not wanting to go but wanting bed. he asked if marriage has lived up to whatever fantasy i had prior to, and my gut thought was yes. we sit on the couch together for hours at time and even when the sun has set and no lights in our home have turned on. just in the dark becoming best friends, it’s my dream come true. so we drove home and instead of chatting on the couch, we dreamed and laughed then kissed before we said goodnight, just like i dreamed we would. it’s hard when asked to bring up stories of fun times and silly things that we do as a couple, when i feel like those moments are so entangled in our everyday. it seems as though there are too many to count and recall on a moment’s notice. and it seems like we’re digging for something that doesn’t happen often, in the long pause after the question is presented, but really it’s work to dissect our rhythm that we’ve created. we flow. we ebb. we dance. we rest. we walk. we move. we watch. we become. we’re more one than we were when we began. i lie in bed now, in the dark, smiling at the beauty of the truth. we are more than when we began, in every way. and maybe marriage is finding the more with your person and clinging to each other every step of the way, knowing that  friendships that make you pause and reflect and speak to who you are now and who you are becoming is more important and beautiful and necessary than the average day can make it seem. it’s a beautiful thing to be reminded of where you’ve been and where you want to go. it’s a beautiful thing to be seen and treasured and noticed above all that’s going on and be invited to dinner after a large gathering. and i think i don’t realize how much i need people and how much we need people to get through this life. i claim to be strong and i am, but i’m stronger and more brave when the people in my corner are physically in my corner with me. i was born to hug and hold, champion and love loudly and blatantly and boldly. i haven’t been able to scream at everyone and tell them how worthy and outstanding they are and my soul needs that more than i realize. and tonight with my chicken noodle soup halfway gone i realized i run from the vulnerability of a true friendship but my god i crave it even more. i come alive when i’m talking about my heart and the things i love, like the life we’ve built here at home, and hearing others share their heart too. putting into words the best year and a half of my life is no easy task, but i think i realized that it’s just been becoming best buds with the one that i love and with myself, on the couch, in the dark, content.  it wasn’t easy getting here and here is ever changing, but i love it and will fight for it for as long as i’m here. what a joy it is to be and feel and breathe next to him. to come into my own with my love. to blossom and to break down and to blossom again. to spring and to winter. to laugh and to cry. it all happens at home and my god how good it is. i am overwhelmed with a peace inside that i feel can only be found when i realize that i’m not in control. i’m just here, that’s all i have is now and i’m choosing to love with my now, to write with my now, to breathe with my now and to embrace my now. and a glorious shift occurs when the future and the past aren’t the headlines but instead the sunrise as is happens, the birds as they are singing, the flowers giving off their fragrance in the vase i sit next to, the call from my niece in the afternoon and the evening ice cream date, every last lick of it, right as it’s happening. it’s peace and i need it. 
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marmarparadoxa · 16 days ago
Hi, I love your posts! Do you think Hange was Erwin's first choice as the next commander? While they were clearly very strategically capable and have been put into leadership a lot initially as well by Erwin (acting as his second-in-command), Hange wasn't exactly much suitable for politics as it turned and maybe Erwin knew this too, so maybe he only chose them because other older soldiers were dead by that time. Thank you for answering :D
Hi, thank you! Yes, I firmly believe Hange was Erwin’s first choice. Not only they were one of the closest people to Erwin, together with Levi and Mike, since the beginning of the manga (hence before the SC were decimated in subsequent battles, Shiganshina for last), but also, among all SC members, Hange was unarguably the one who uniquely possessed those qualities that made them the most suitable for the role of commander of the SC: that special ability to envision the future, a bright intellect, and the capacity to think differently about things - which enabled them to gain invaluable insights, and push their understanding of the world forward.
Also, I don’t see how it turned out that Hange wasn’t exactly suitable for politics, and in this regard, in the Uprising Arc, I think we’ve actually had a demonstration that Hange had a pretty proper understanding of how politics worked. As Erwin’s and Pixis’ schemes served to finally expose the royal government and its top brass’ disregard for humanity and selfishness, at the same time, if Hange hadn’t thought about gathering the help of all those people (Flegel, Roy and Peuere, and those who witnessed the First Interior Squad attempted murder at Flegel), which testimony cleared the SC of all its charges, accused the Military Police, and let the citizens know the truth, the SC and the Garrison would never have had the people’s support, and their overtaking the old corrupted government would have turned into a bloodbath (as in Armin’s speculation), in which many people would have died, and caused chaos inside the walls. It was hence thanks to Hange’s foresight, their understanding of the importance of making connections with other people, and the value they put on everyone’s individual choices, that they managed to prevent what was thought of as inevitable by everyone else, and to turn the political tables, winning people’s general support, thus avoiding what could have become civil war inside the walls. 
In addition, to say that Erwin chose Hange as commander only because other older soldiers were dead by that time is not only disrespectful towards Hange, but also towards the relationship of friendship, trust and mutual respect there was between them and Erwin. Not only, indeed, did Hange look up to and thoroughly trusted Erwin’s judgement, but also Erwin respected them and valued their insights, when it came to making rapid field decisions too (just as when, for instance, he made Levi resupply because he remembered what Hange deduced, or he trusted Hange’s guess about Reiner and Bert’s direction), and entrusted them important responsibilities. And, very importantly, Erwin was one of the few who recognized the value of Hange’s biological research on titans. He approved and supported it, having an entire squad helping Hange with it, and letting them stay near Levi’s squad to experiment on Eren’s titan. In the Uprising Arc, as first thing after having acquired that new information about Ymir and Bert convo, Hange immediately took and rode to inform Erwin, and then Erwin too shared with Hange his new information, and so they proceeded to exchange their respective theories, trying to figure out the meaning of all that together. And as my little headcanon, I can perfectly see the two of them spending evenings together, discussing about the true nature of things, sharing their hypothesis, and imagining the world outside the walls.
So, rather than suggesting that Erwin made that choice only because there was nobody better left, I think that the whole manga actually showed us that he chose Hange, because he recognized their value, their resolve, their intelligence, and that special way to look at the world, which made Hange the perfect candidate to be the next SC commander.
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sheepwasfound · 18 days ago
I've been thinking a lot about dnf and their communication. First off, I feel like a ton of people tend to romanticize d and g's friendship, while the reality is they are far from perfect. They're human, they make mistakes, and from what we have seen, they don't have the best communication, which is totally normal. I couldn't even imagine what it must be like to have all of these people analyzing the relationship of you and a friend you have had for years , every conversation and all that.
From what we have clearly seen, they can have the ability to communicate very well. With their opposite personalities and their enjoyable flirty-banter, they compliment each other and that is why people enjoy dnf and their dynamic so much. As Dream said himself, they just link. However, I feel like their understanding of each other just barely starches the surface. You know, on the terms of deepness and personal understanding. In instances like the cursed 8 hour stream, the MCC 6 stream, and the Valentine's Day convo, they seem to lack understanding of how the other person is feeling. And since they both seem to move on rather quickly and push aside uncomfortable situations, this only adds to the lack of deep understanding I feel they have for each other. Don't get me wrong, they are very close, platonic soulmates 100%, but the thing is, I could never imagine Dream and George having a long meaningful conversation about an instance that might have made them upset or personal feelings.
This could be because, in my opinion, that they want to preserve the easygoingness of their friendship. They both seem scared to cross that line, maybe because they don't want to make things complicated and messy between them, they obviously care very deeply about each other, and I think being so far apart makes them afraid to break the close bond they have. So, maybe that is why they just seem to throw uncomfortable instances we have seen under the rug.
Overall, I just feel like all the instances where we have seen them discuss anything personal, their has been a lot of tension, especially lately. Like I said before, the Valentine's Day convo is a prime example. I think it was clear that there was some true genuineness in George telling Dream that he didn't mean it and also genuineness in the way Dream said he did. Just the way it happened was so awkward, live in front of thousands of people, so obviously their was not likely to be any break through in their communication. Maybe it was George's way of confronting dream possibly, him taking that step across that line? I doubt they have talked about it since the moment, I am guessing it is just another unsaid "moment" that happened between them..
However, I guess they have improved in their communication, so I think that it is only going to get better for them. Moving in together will definitely change a lot of things, and I for sure think that one of them will be their communication. Only time will tell.
good points. we can’t really know what they do in private, but just judging by what we’ve been shown publically, their communication is almost intuitively fast and easy -- when it’s about simple everyday stuff. it doesn’t come off as though they talk about emotions or deep things or upsetting things much. they’re both good at getting over things, so i feel like they might just...not talk about it if something upsets them, and just ignore it until everything’s cool again.
it’s a pretty common dynamic for friends, and can last years without issues, cus it’s easy to put a bit of distance when need be to cool down. but it doesn’t work for super close relationships like lovers imo. you won’t get enough emotional support that way. for best friends too, the ideal is when you can be really honest and open about everything, even the upsetting things and scary things and overwhelming things. i get the feeling they aren’t that way yet.
george is likely the side with the stronger barricades on that stuff. there’s also how dream said he goes to george to have fun. that seems to be the focus for their interactions. george especially seems like he would rather just not talk to his friends for a bit than talk to them about bad stuff, making it so that they only ever have fun when they do talk. living together can potentially have a huge impact, cus it’s harder to close in on yourself and it also gives a sense of stability, of being together for good, that can lower the expectations of always having to have the best and most fun time when together
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literaila · a month ago
so my bf of 4 yrs broke up with me.. its been so hard bc he was my best friend first and foremost, but he basically just told me that he wasnt happy anymore. i didn’t understand bc i thought we were good and our relationship has always been stable. we’ve only had a few big fights, never been disloyal to one another, were very trustworthy to one another, and never took a break bc we always communicated our feelings.. or so i thought bc apparently he was feeling like that for a while now and he claimed that he was trying to fix things by himself. after multiple long convos and me begging for him to try to make it work with me, he claimed that just fell out of love with me and didnt see a future with me anymore.. im still madly in love with him and i have no reason to be mad at him or hate him bc although he shouldve told me about his feelings when they began to change, he never treated wrongly and always made sure i was happy. how could i hate a guy who constantly looked out for me and wanted to spare me from being sad
first and foremost, i’m sorry you’re going through this. i have no doubt that you’ll feel better eventually, but right now i understand how bad it feels.
i haven’t experienced many breakups, but i can tell you this: you don’t have to be angry. i know that might seem like your instinct reaction, but it sounds like your relationship was healthy all the way through. this person obviously loved you very much if they were willing to tell you when it didn’t feel right anymore. but that doesn’t erase the pain. it’s torture to lose not only your romantic partner, but also your best friend. and it hurts even worse when you still love them. and when they don’t feel the same. but still, if you don’t feel angry just remember you don’t need to be.
another thing i’ve learned is that love doesn’t come and go. it just changes with the situation (though i can’t speak for everyone).
i believe you’ll get through the pain, but while it’s still here the most important thing to remember is that you have people who care for you. you have a big heart. if there’s anything you need, don’t hesitate to ask my dear. i’m wishing you all the love in the world.
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ddnsports · a month ago
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Breaking News: Grand Canyon’s Oscar Frayer Dead at 23 After Car Crash
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Grand Canyon men’s basketball player Oscar Frayer has died after killed in a car crash near Lodi, California, early Tuesday morning, the school announced Thursday night.
Grand Canyon tweeted, “Our Lopes family is devastated and heartbroken by the passing of @GCU_MBB student-athlete Oscar Frayer.”
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The school added that also took lives of Frayer’s older sister, Andrea Moore, and a third individual who has not been identified by the San Joaquin Medical Examiner’s Office H/T Bleacher Report.
The details from ESPN’s Myron Medcalf from local authorities:
  According to local authorities, a California Highway Patrol vehicle was struck from behind by the car Frayer was in as two officers were assisting a stranded vehicle on a highway near Lodi, California, around 2:30 a.m. on Tuesday. Frayer's vehicle hit a tree and became engulfed in flames. The officers were transported to a local hospital with "major injuries," according to the California Highway Patrol, but both are expected to survive.
GSU head coach Bryce Drew provided comments on Frayer.
“We love Q,” GCU head coach Drew said. “He was the heartbeat of our team with his vibrant, energetic personality. I cannot put into words the hurt and sadness we all feel, but we know he is in heaven and that gives us great joy to know we will be together again.”
As Bleacher Report noted it Frayer was a defensive star for Grand Canyon, which won the WAC and gave No. 2 Iowa a test in the first round of NCAA March Madness before losing 86-74.
Oscar Proud Keycap number signKeycap digit four @Oscar_Frayer I bleed purple FOREVER!!!! THANK YOU LOPE NATION for the last 5 years..it’s been nothing less than amazing..from President Mueller, to our coaching staff, to my brothers who I compete with everyday..it’s love FOREVER. 4 GoneSign of the hornsPurple heart 6:13 PM · Mar 20, 2021·Twitter for iPhone 321 Retweets 155 Quote Tweets 1,825 Likes
Guard Demari Mistead payed a tribute on Instgram:
“This is extremely tough to write. I don’t even know where to start, or how to even form this message. Life is something that is so precious and i took you for granted. I took all of our good times for granted. I took all of our late night drives and convos for granted. You believed in me in a way that i never believed in myself. You looked over me when i was the new kid on the block in high school and in college. Your loyalty was unmatched and never will be replicated. You were a hometown hero, defeating the odds and making a name for yourself. We always dreamed about making the tournament and you made that into a reality. I am blessed to be your sidekick for so many years and hope one day we will meet again, so you can brag to me how you made the tournament before me. My brother i will keep your name alive and always represent. Love you 4.”
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Rashad Smith wrote on his IG:
To my brother big O. I appreciate everything that you’ve taught me and thankful for every memory with you. Mann you just graduated and your a champion. Will never forget the talk we had on the plane back to AZ the most real talk we’ve ever had never thought you would go so soon .I will never forget how far you’ve come as a person and to help your brothers with anything and be the big brother that we all needed, forever in our hearts. Fly high brother Love you 💜🤍✊🏽🙏🏽 RIP OF4
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RIP
He was 23.
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jackles-coded · a month ago
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and the rewatch continues
So rewatching most of season 5 and dipping into season 6, after coming from season 4, I found some things very interesting, things I actually had forgotten about and some that just hit differently now that the show has ended:
Season 4:
Brothers - different iterations: Had that finale happened after this season, it might have made better sense (though I STILL say the manner of Dean’s death is laughable)
Destiel & Cas: While Cas and Dean have some uncomfortable staring contests and there’s chemistry, I didn’t get the whole Destiel vibe (this is just my personal take), yes there’s a bond there, a growing partnership so to speak but I feel like Cas is not around enough for it to be in the forefront of the story or even to demand Dean’s attention in a way. Like Cas made his big entrance in 4x01 and we saw how things took off from there for the story and for this connection/bond between he and Dean but Dean is early season Dean and Cas is early season Cas. Though I found Cas’ interest in everything Dean Winchester to be intriguing (and he put Dean back together with his own hands, I just...this really does become the greatest love story ever told, I swear), I personally didn’t get the whole UST vibes that has been talked about. I actually found myself wanting to go deeper into Cas’ story (a la 6x20 style) aside from Dean’s and Sam’s. 
Anna: That whole night with Anna was purely that: a night. There wasn’t a whole lot of chemistry between Jensen and Julie and it’s very clear that this whole sex-on-last-night-on-earth thing is for comfort, for both characters. I kind of get why they switched up gears there for Dean’s angel role, even if they didn’t intend for Destiel to read as romantic at all initially. 4x09 & especially 4x10 were so obviously trying to ying and yang the brothers and the sides that had chosen them/complemented them: Anna | Ruby, Heaven | Hell -> eventually Michael | Lucifer. But back to Anna, while I enjoyed her character and would have loved to delve deeper with her, I am glad Cas was the one who got to stay. Anna and Dean had no chemistry, outside of a couple of glances before the big hookup/last night on Earth deal, there wasn’t really anything there. Tbf, they didn’t have a lot of private time before that, except maybe one convo. To me, in this scenario, Anna was a source of comfort (after she tells Dean he needs to forgive himself for what happened in Hell which I very much appreciated, someone had to tell him that) and attraction, letting her have her last night on Earth, a hookup, etc. But there was nothing deeper there. And for this bond with an angel to happen, there needed to be something deeper there. Perhaps had Anna been around longer and didn’t go the way she did in season 5, it might have but I honestly tend to doubt it. We all know Cas and Dean’s (Misha’s and Jensen’s) natural chemistry is off the charts. I’m not sure Anna (Julie) could have competed with that had both Cas and Anna stuck around together. I know I’m completely biased here, but I almost felt like Anna and Cas had more chemistry together, it might have been because they got more face time, I’m not sure. But I thoroughly enjoyed watching it all go down again.
Adam: Omg I forgot about how Adam wasn’t Adam when Dean and Sam first met him. That was heartbreaking on so many levels, but mostly for Adam and his mom dying the way they did and of course, for Dean and Sam. Namely Dean because he was the most affected by finding out about Adam’s existence. And I swear I fell in love with Dean more in that episode as a character because despite his pain, his anger, his hurt, he still tries to do the right thing by Adam, to honor his dad’s wishes. And John...that mf’er doesn’t deserve any of those boys as his sons. What an asshole through and through. 
Season 5:
Destiel & Cas: And now we see Cas becoming a bit more forefront and the vibe has changed...slightly. Now it’s a partnership turning into a friendship. Dean and Cas get a bit more face time and it shows. 5x03 was awesome and of course the wholly unnecessary line of “One, Bert and Ernie are gay” -- like where did that come from? I still loved it. It was tough to see Dean and Sam go their separate ways in the beginning but we still got some gold out of it with 5x03 and 5x04. And thankfully, we get more into not only more of the angel and apocalypse lore this season, but we also get to see how Cas’ relationship with the Winchesters is changing and more of what makes Cas tick as a character in his own right. And of course, bamf!Cas was very present. 
Brothers: Once again, had that finale happened after this season, it might have made more sense (sans the junk death) - because it’s very obvious that the co-dependency is alive and well here and it would have made more sense for their characters - while they have others outside of the two of them they are caring about (Bobby, Ellen, Jo just to name a few), it’s still the exclusive Winchester-only club. I truly enjoyed watching these two working together and moving towards the season finale. Dean’s memory of Sam and the fireworks, Dean talking about how Sam’s best memories weren’t the same as his (shocker, John Winchester is a d-bag, I’ll keep saying it), Dean struggling to make the decision to say yes to Michael, having to agree with the plan for Sam to say yes to Lucifer to try to trap the latter, Dean showing up to the cemetery -- all of it was incredible and the two of them were the beating heart of the show at that point. 5x22 will always be one of my favorite season finales for that show. It was pure awesomeness, truly epic and perfect.
Dean: holy hell, they really, really threw a lot into Dean this season - not that they hadn’t before, but damn. Each season just amps up the Dean game, just like I remember, and I am happily here for it again. No offense to Sam at all, but Dean is just so complex, so complicated yet straightforward, and there’s so many layers to him that they just keep peeling back and they feed us well each season. I swear, if you turned the sound off and just watched that scene where Dean tells Zachariah to call Michael, where Dean and Sam go their separate ways, you would know exactly everything Dean is feeling and thinking thanks to the incredible talent of one Mr. Jensen Ackles. Just really incredible. How this man never got nominated for an Emmy at any point for this show just astounds me. Yes, I know that show wasn’t considered a contender for that type of award run, but dammmnnnn. He deserves it and more. Watching this season and season 4 really brought back the original reasons I fell in love with Dean as a character in the first place. One of the best characters ever, I’m telling you. And may I just say, I hated that they brought back John’s leather jacket for him in the season finale but I get it, it was Kripke’s swan song (did I just do that? I believe I did) so we of course went back to core Winchester things, not just in story but every element. I’m ngl, I was so glad to see Dean shed it though when he is sitting down to dinner with Lisa and Ben.
Apocalypse: I thoroughly enjoyed this whole plot line - this really was high stakes, more than ever before, and though angels were dicks, there was Lucifer of course and a mysterious though mostly absent God behind the curtain - you just never knew what was going to be thrown at you next, just like the boys were going through.
Heaven/Mary: even though this definitely has to do with Dean more so, I did enjoy them seeing Ash and Pam, Ash’s setup, and of course Mary being there, seeing how such a good memory could be manipulated by the dick angels and the horrible things Mary said to Dean. Of course, I felt for Dean but it was interesting to see that whole scene play out. Plus we got even more confirmation of what we’ve known all along: John is a bonafide asshole and Dean really did experience facets of spousification, even before Mary died (which just makes me so sad for him, I swear if they don’t put a Cas vs John scene in the reboot... because you know Cas will win that thumb war)
Meg: ngl, I wasn’t really crazy about this iteration of Meg - I don’t mean Rachel Miner’s version, just this particular performance, which I chalk up to whoever decided they wanted her to go this route in her performance - I couldn’t believe it was the same character, the same actress - I am so glad the show/Rachel developed the character we all love to hate and secretly really love to how she was in later seasons
Jo: omg Jo. I have to admit, in season 2, in the first episode she showed up in, I despised her. She was like that bratty teenage kid who’s a real pain in the ass and whines and doesn’t get it. But after that episode, I grew to love her with each one she was in. She became a bamf in her own right and I loved seeing that come through this season especially. Her death was horrific (what is it with this show killing off bamf female hunters in such a gruesome way? it brought back horrible Eileen flashbacks for me personally, and for them to turn Meg and Ketch into somewhat redeemable characters after that... you know, I swear...) but heroic and I had never been more proud of my girl. Except the scene with Dean in the kitchen. As much as I love my chaotic hunter son, I was glad to see Jo flip him off in the way she did. So proud. And then her goodbye with Dean, I had forgotten exactly what he did so I was going “omg, she just saved you, Dean, this girl has feelings for you, she deserves at least a kiss, kiss her. right. the fuck. now!” and sure enough, he did, on the forehead, which I was like okay, well I get it, he doesn’t return those feelings but he does care about her but dammit, she deserved for him to plant one on her. and then he did and I was just gone, I was a complete bawling mess. And her goodbye scene with Ellen, and then her death along with Ellen’s sacrificing herself to stay by Jo’s side and give the boys a chance to get out of there...yeah, I didn’t stop crying for about five minutes. I cannot tell you how much I miss those characters and I would have sold someone else’s right arm to make their return in the series finale happen. Besides the obvious characters that should have been present, Ellen, Jo, and Ash deserved to be there (just not Samantha and Chad, if we can get a “Cas helped” for the third major character/lead, we can also get a “Ellen and Jo went to assist in setting up the honeymoon suite above the roadhouse - I said what I said).
John: usually, I cannot abide giving any time to this jerk, never mind talking about him, but I have to say I enjoyed seeing pre-loss John in 5x13. That conversation he has with Sam I think is so glaringly important. I know it was for Sam to forgive John and heal, but the fact that John himself is saying “how could he do that to you? he was supposed to protect you” -- yep, that was pure poetic cinema in my eyes. Because pre-loss John is right, how dare post-loss John do that to his boys? There’s no excuse anyone or this show can give him. As much as I love JDM, post-loss John Winchester will never be okay in my book.
Adam: omg Adam. First of all, I loved his dynamic with Sam and Dean. I really, really wish we could have had him around longer just for that alone. What an awesome character we could have had giving Dean and Sam a run for their money. “Well, we’re working on the power of love.” “How’s that going?” “Not so great.” -- give me an episode of the three brothers on a milk run hunt (sans generic mask-wearing vampmimes) with all of the fixings and I swear we would get done!Sam, consistently being roasted between Dean and Adam, and then Dean thinking he’s got a mutual now, a BFF, and Adam turning right around to roast him as well. It would be epic, I tell you, epic. I wish Adam had gotten a better end, this season and at the end of the series. He certainly deserved better. And this may be a random observation but why did Michael take Adam at all? I know the countdown had begun and he was desperate to grab a vessel so he could fight Lucifer at the appointed time and Dean was not giving in (that he knew of), but what chance of victory did he think he had without using his true vessel? Using that logic, I guess Michael’s end in the series makes more sense now...? Who knows.
Chuck: Swan Song (5x22) and the lines, “Endings are hard. Any chapped ass monkey with a keyboard can poop out a beginning but endings are impossible. You try to tie up every loose end but you never can. The fans are always gonna bitch. There’s always gonna be holes. And since it’s the ending, it’s all supposed to add up to something. I’m telling you, they’re a raging pain in the ass“ -- did anyone else feel like that was Kripke speaking or is it just me?
Season 6:
the whole Lisa thing: while it was nice to see Dean go domestic, I have to say I was more invested in Dean and Ben’s relationship development than I was with Dean and Lisa’s. The chemistry just wasn’t there, I have to be honest (he and Anna actually had more chemistry for a few minutes than he did with Lisa this whole season). I don’t doubt they loved each other, it was real, and Lisa was good for him at the time but it just didn’t have that spark. I loved Lisa as a character in her own right, but I was happy to see her and Dean eventually go their separate ways. Though my heart broke for Ben on that one. He and Dean really had a whole father-son bond happening there. I appreciated that when Ben called him, even that one time that nothing was really wrong, Dean dropped everything and headed right over. They had a bond of their own happening outside of Dean and Lisa’s. I think Dean ultimately made the right choice in the end to keep Lisa and Ben safe (though they should have been able to choose if they wanted this), but God did that cost him and we see it in that scene outside of the hospital with Sam. How much that hurt for him, and for us to see how it killed him to do it. I’m still grateful that he got to see what the domestic life was like and that he got a reprieve from hunting for a bit. It made complete sense as to why Cas didn’t want to pull him back in to ask for help with Raphael.
Destiel: Welp, now there’s definitely an emotional relationship happening. Meaning the bond has become even more forefront and not only is Dean affected, but we also see that Cas is, too. Dean’s reaction to finding out Cas was working with Crowley the whole time, Cas’ reaction to Dean choosing to save the two boys instead of focusing on finding Eve, Cas’ reaction to Dean’s stance on the Crowley situation, Dean’s finding out Crowley kidnapped Lisa and Ben, Cas asking Dean to trust him, Dean seeing Cas becoming the new God and needing to summon Death, etc. It was fantastic. While it hurt during some moments, I enjoyed seeing the dynamics and reactions to these situations play out. This is definitely a friendship now, a family relationship formed (and still forming) like Dean says in 6x20. Imho, Jensen and Misha knocked it out of the park this season when it came to that relationship. I loved it.
Cas: holy hell, 6x20 has become one of my all-time favorite episodes of SPN. I loved seeing Cas’ POV. Cas was already a fave character of mine but this episode made me fall in love with him all over again. This was incredible and I’m so thankful they fed us so well with this one. I really enjoyed seeing Cas as a character stepping into the forefront, right there with Dean and Sam. Yes, he was a part of TFW before this, but you have to admit that in this season, it becomes a whole new ball game. Really amazing stuff and of course, Misha slayed it all.
Meg & Megstiel: I was so happy to see the iteration of Meg return that we know from later seasons. Maybe I’m just too used to that version but to me this felt more effortless for the character and for Rachel, that really let both shine. Personally, I’m not a Megstiel shipper. While I love their dynamic, it just isn’t there for me, but I really did enjoy their scenes together. Cas felt as if he needed a little shaking up so to speak so I think she was perfect for that. Plus, I have a hard time forgiving those in the show that sic Hellhounds on my bamf female hunters so that might be partially the reason for my bias, just saying. (I never really forgave Ketch either)
Samuel...& Co: I just...why? Don’t get me wrong, I liked Mitch but this felt a bit...I don’t know...off? Other than some place for Soulless!Sam to go while Dean was playing house and for nabbing Alphas for Crowley, I don’t get what the point of this story line was? Was it to show us that Mary’s dad was a d-bag? Check. Was it to show us how people sometimes make the worst decisions when it comes to their family? Double check. Like, we kind of already got that and it was just unnecessary confirmation if that makes sense. And the thing that kills me is that Samuel was in Hell (or goes to Hell, I kind of did other things in the background during that arc) but he loved his daughter enough to betray her sons and do the wrong thing but John gets to go to Heaven? This still confounds me. Though I enjoyed Gwen and it was a shame she couldn’t be a family contact in another state for the boys later on to pop up every now and then.
Soulless!Sam: I enjoyed this part of Sam’s arc but I won’t lie, I was relieved like everyone else when he finally got his soul back though waited with bated breath for the other shoe to drop. But it was interesting to see this side of Sam.
Dad!Dean: I know I mentioned Dean and Ben above, but that one episode with the shifter!baby, that was priceless and God, did I love it.
I just loved going back to this for both boys
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aion-rsa · a month ago
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Wynonna Earp Season 4 Episode 9 Review: Crazy
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This Wynonna Earp review contains spoilers.
Wynonna Earp Season 4, Episode 9
Wynonna Earp has often balanced the inherent darkness of its premise with, among other tones, some zany supernatural fun. Ostensibly, “Crazy” is another case-of-the-week story that has Wynonna & co. hunting a social media-obsessed genie who has a cannibal suffering from kuru disease as her, er, master.
Past that, it’s yet another glimpse into just how deeply Wynonna has internalized the curse she was once ruled by, and just how much she is suffering because of it. She may no longer be beholden to the Earp curse, but Wynonna is still living as if the only thing she’s good for, the only thing she deserves, is a life of demon-killing. “Genie, you’re free,” our protagonist tells her target—the implication being that there is no such freedom for Wynonna, only a life of looking morally ambiguous monsters in the eye as she kills them and then going to sleep drunk and alone. I can’t quite figure out where Wynonna Earp Season 4B is going thematically, and I love that I don’t know because I think that is part of the point: Wynonna is in a dark, messy place. She’s an imperfect heroine, a hero who has made some bad choices, and the show isn’t giving us an easy answer to the questions of morality those choices have brought up.
In “Crazy,” Wynonna’s antagonist is not Doug, but rather Ginny the Genie. I’m not sure how well it works that Ginny’s relationship with Doug begins narrative life on this show as an allegory for domestic abuse, but, aside from that, Ginny’s messy end works incredibly well with this larger thematic exploration of monsters & morality Season 4B has been exploring. Because Ginny’s culpability in Doug’s murders isn’t black and white. She may be hiding behind Doug’s wishes and his disease, or she may be genuine when she tells Wynonna she silenced her screams because she couldn’t stand to hear them when there’s nothing she could do. Wynonna seems to believe this is a lie, but it’s unclear if she would have made a different choice, that she would have spared Ginny’s life, even if she did believe the excuse.
“You gotta listen to the screams. You’ve got to look the cost of it in the eye, and tell it to go fuck itself,” Wynonna tells Ginny. Because this is the deal Wynonna seems to have made with herself, the line she has drawn in the sand, and you’ll notice it is very different from what happened with Hoyt Clayborn. She didn’t look Hoyt in the eye. She waited until his back was turned to shoot him, and she seems to think there is no coming back from that. She doesn’t believe she can be with Doc unless he falls down to the dregs of humanity alongside her. “Welcome to the moral low ground,” she tells Doc when she believes he has killed someone, so happy to have a companion once again because she is so damn lonely in her moral failure. But she doesn’t know how to ask for help; she only knows how to keep fighting. “The difference is that you have a way out,” Wynonna tells Ginny because she is so unpracticed at imagining a future for herself guided by self-compassion and forgiveness—these weren’t thinks her daddy taught her.
Meanwhile, Nicole is finally able to face her own ghosts—and I’m (mostly) not talking about that chicken-kicking video. It’s fitting that this episode begins with Wynonna and Nicole doing some friendly sparring because the two mirror one another in some interesting ways in “Crazy.” The difference is: Nicole is much further along working through some of the issues holding her back. She is able to look Doc in the eye and be honest about the mindset that led to making a deal with Margo Clanton, trading Waverly’s safe return for Doc. She admits that she was scared, and she thought Doc would be able to get out of whatever the Clantons had in store for him. She doesn’t say she regrets it because that would probably be a lie—she had to be sure that Waverly would come home—but she listens when Doc rebuts and she apologizes. More importantly, she faces it… and herself.
In the process, she reclaims the town sheriff position. (The democratic process has really fallen by the wayside in Purgatory, huh?) It’s hard for me to get behind Nicole’s return to the uniform as anything other than a plot point driven by characterization. If this series has a major narrative flaw, it’s the lack of specificity in its small town setting. As someone who grew up in the middle of nowhere, I’m always on the lookout for more authentic representations of rural life, and Purgatory is not it. (Though it does get winter right—for obvious reasons.) That being said, I don’t need Purgatory to be authentic, but I do need the setting to have, for want of a better phrase, better character continuity. Wynonna Earp seems to want Purgatory to have a sense of place, but it’s been incredibly erratic, from season to season and sometimes from episode to episode. That someone could live in this town and not know that Doc is a hundreds-year-old vampire or that Waverly is an angel is unlikely. The memory-altering fog hasn’t made it to town… yet.
Speaking of which, Ginny tells Wynonna: “I can stop what’s coming,” implying that yet another Big Bad is on the way—presumably, Eve, whom we haven’t seen since the beginning of the season. It’s too soon to tell and not as much fun to dwell on as other aspects of this meaty scene. We’ve discussed much of it, but not the fact that Wynonna is offered Ginny’s power and seemingly easily refuses. And that’s one of the things that sets Wynonna apart from the villain she is so afraid she has become. Villainy is using the power you have to hurt other people for the sake of securing and/or accumulating that power. It’s what Doug was doing when he started eating people’s brains. (Although that analysis is complicated by the fact that Doug seemed to have some kind of mental illness?) Wynonna has only ever used her power to try to protect others.
The question then becomes: what was Wynonna’s choice to kill Hoyt if not villainy? Is shooting someone in the back to keep them from potentially hurting your family an act of securing power? Does it matter what we call it? Should any one person have the right to decide which demon lives and which demon dies? Wynonna is obviously wrestling with these questions, even if she is unable to articulate them in any real way to herself or her loved ones. The closest she gets is in her conversation with Ginny—a “safe” space to express her feelings as Ginny is about to take them to her grave or hell or wherever she is about to end up. “I get it. I’m poison too,” Wynonna tells Ginny, equating herself with someone who just helped a man slaughter multiple innocent people. It’s yet another sign of just how poorly Wynonna thinks of herself these days, and just how dark this show can get in an episode that also involves another character delightfully yelling “Kristi Yamaguchi!” to a crowded bar.
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Additional thoughts.
It’s telling how cult-like and obsessive people can get about trivia irl that it took. meso long. to realize that everyone in town was under the influence of Doug’s wish.
“I never want you to blunt your ambition… it’s one of the things that makes you you.”
“I got you back. That’s my happy.”
Doc is surprisingly good at pop culture trivia.
“I must remain in this battle to prove that it is I who has the ideal brain.”
Maybe Purgatory should come up with an alternate model of local law enforcement?
I loved the multiple convos between Nicole and Rachel—a reminder that these two spent a lot of time together as family when Waverly, Wynonna, and Doc were in The Garden.
Doc has minions now.
“God damn law enforcement.” “The gun does tend to go to their head.”
“That means our beautiful cowboy is in the clear.”
Jeremy’s a really bad coroner, huh? He didn’t notice that those corpses have no brains.
Jeremy and Waverly get to make a murderboard!
Weather facts!
Wynonna: I won’t leave your side. Wynonna: *immediately leaves Ginny’s side*
“Random trivia is not an accurate way to judge intelligence.” Scream this from the rooftops. But also I love trivia.
“Well, now I love trivia… and you. In that order.”
What did the Clantons want with Doc? I assumed Margo just wanted to, you know, torture him then kill him, but the fact that Season 4B made a point of bringing this up again makes me think it’s more complex than that.
“The badge alone does not give the authority.” Doc demonstrates his peptalk superpower yet again.
Anyone else miss iZombie while watching this episode?
The gap between real-life cops and TV cops is so broad.
The post Wynonna Earp Season 4 Episode 9 Review: Crazy appeared first on Den of Geek.
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6loo0m · a month ago
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I wanna talk about my sexuality/my body/ just how I’m feeling
Sooo Im kinda struggling to want to go on runs, and i think its just that I’m seuxalized every time i go, like it makes me want to be in an entirely differnt body, and theylll be girls i see running down the street, ans their body is so different to mine, and i find myself thinking “i bet she feels so comfortable”. I just have a bum, and it looks really fucking good in running leggings, and it bounces when i run, and it attracts attention, and i hate that! And i do I go in with the intention of minding my business and staying in my lane and focusing on me and what I’m doing, but its hard, when I feel like im being watched or stared at. Anyway so i want to go on a run tomorrow, and i miss when runs were just a freedom for me, when it was the best part of my day. Also, i think I’m just lazy, like. I don’t want to get up and do it sometimes, and thats fine, this week, ive kinda needed the rest, but i can only do it if i pick myself up and do it. I just want to be as comfortable as possible as i run. Also reminder, dont ducking sprint!! Go at snail pace, literally, don’t care if people are looking at you, you’re running, not them, if you mind your business, so will they, you don’t need to look cool and super athletic, you just need to do what feels right for you.
Anyway we’re going out there and having sometime to ourself, and thinking about just me, and what I’m doing in the present moment. I know you still feel a bit uncomfortable with running, but you don’t even need to cover yourself up! I was about to tell you that you could always tie a jumper around your waist, but you dont, mind your business, and people wont bother you, because they’ll realize that they’re nothing you and leave you alone, act confident, exude confidence, and just go and enjoy yourself! Becuase your runs are about you, and you deserve to move in a way that fulfills you!
So remember,
1. act confident and no one will question you
2. Continue minding your business, going about your day, focusing on yourself
3. You’re doing something for yourself today, something that benefits you,
4. I promise you, no one cares as much about you as you think, you’re just another person on the street
5. Above all, god is always with you, right next to you, protecting you
Go enjoy your run ;)
But you’ve kinda avoided having the next convo,
I think I’ve had a recent epiphany, that is really hard to speak about because its like Ive found the rock thats been weighing on me for so long, and i have an answer, but its kinda like what next? I didn’t realize that i had such deeply rooted sexual trauma, resulting in hyperseuxality, and I’ve never actually said this, but i am addicted to porn and maturation, i don’t have a limit anymore, its more destructive than a benefit to me at this point. And it’s definitely as a result of sexual trauma. I can remember watching porn from around 12, and being exposed to something like that so young has completely reconfigured my brain, it’s definitely altered my perception on sex, its affected the way I interact with people sexually, like i feel like i have such a toxic and unhealthy relationship with my sexuality. And because porn was my first introduction to sex, Ive valued it so much less, and I understand thats its meant to be this special thing, and I understand how sacred it is, but i don’t treat it like that.
Thinking back to my past, I definitely haven’t given a fuck about who I’m interacting with sexually, and i think thats added to my sexual trauma, the weary i was treated, the way i let anything fly, the way i didn’t set boundaries for myself. Because porn doesn’t have boundaries, I’ve seen images of just anything, and i feel like I’ve told myself its okay to do anything, to treat sex like its just another thing.
All of my problems with my sexuality stem from porn, and how it has affected me as I’ve grown up. But on top of how porn has affected me, i have this addiction to it to. I don’t have a healthy relationship with sex and my sexuality and i want to heal that. I want to heal my sexual trauma, i want to change my views on sex, from vulgar and gross, to this beautiful sacred gift given to us by god, not to abuse it, but to cherish it,enjoy the fruits of it, but never in excess, because thats problematic once again. I want to have a much better relationship with sex
Also I’m going to destroy the idea of waiting until marriage, because thats fucking with me too, I’ve put a boundary on myself, that makes me feel so pressured to be perfect and to feel no sexual desire until then. I feel like it just contributes to an unhealthy relationship with sex. It makes me feel so rigid, like theres something wrong with sex, when there isn’t, its just all about your own relationship with your sexuality.
Where I’m trying to be? I want to be in a place where my sexual desires don’t overwhelm me, like i don’t want to feel like I just have to get off. I don’t want to it there telling myself no, don’t do it, its bad because I’m fucking human, i get horny for fuck sake. I want to be in a place where i can give myself the liberty to masturbate and enjoy it, without it feeling disgusting and shameful, but also without abusing it, without going ham, because i know I’m not forbidding myself rom it the next day. I want it to be an option for where i can choose to say yes or no, its not, “oh god I’m never touching myself again starting tomorrow” because thats just toxic too. But i want to be able to have the option, but then choose to harbor my sexual energy and channel it into there things, i want to enjoy the feeling of being horny, without feeling like its wrong. If i want to masturbate, i have the freedom to explore my own body, free of shame, and free of anything toxic.
Side note: i love god, but the Christian perspective on sex and sexuality is so dangerous and fucked up that people feel bad for ‘lust’ when its literally soooo human, like how fucked up? Lust is a sin, but its so human to feel sexual desires.
Moreover, i also want to be in a place where i have full control of my sexuality, i can choose to have sex if i want to, i can say no if I’m not feeling it, i can say what i want and how i want it. I also want to have sex in meaningful relationships, where we’ve built our relationship to a point where I feel comfortable enough to be naked around that person. Where i feel so open to have sexual experiences that i want. I want sex to be so special and sacred and the purest form of love that I get to share with someone. So i don’t want to go on a sex spree, i want to wait, for someone who respects me, and understand my boundaries, and someone who cares about my pleasure as much a their own.
I’m no longer telling myself that sex is gross, and can only happen between and man and wife, and that it can only happen in the union of god, because that might happen for me, i might wait for that long, but i won’t force myself to. If it feels right, I want to explore that. So I’m no longer telling myself no, you can do that, you cant feel like that, shake off all of those feelings and move on, because it clearly hasn’t worked, because here I still am, dealing with the same issues, falling into temptation and then forbidding it again. Its like your binge/ restrict cycle, its just that now its happing with your sexuality. Putting a no on something and telling yourself you cant have it is pointless, because you’ll eventually fall into it, feel bad and the cycle continues.
When it comes to healing your toxic sexuality, and sexual trauma, i think maybe speak to a therapist about it, but then also take a brake from sexual all of it. You’re already not having sex and i don’t see it in your future, but step away from masturbating, even without porn, you’ve over done it for sure, so take a break, distance yourself from it. And wait until you understand how it can benefit you more, how its not just to get off, but its a self love practice, that in itself is sacred and special. So steep away from it, learn a bit more about yourself and your sexuality before having it back in your life. But also have the freedom to use your sexual energy to your benefit, don’t cut it out because its wrong, distance yourself from it because you can channel it into so much more.
They way we’re healing our sexual trauma is journaling it all out, let it out, let out the trauma, write about it, free yourself from it. But also affirm that you’re not that person anymore, do some affirmations, have mantras, things to remind yourself of. Meditate, practice letting that trauma go, it doesn’t mean anything to you anymore. Do things that honor you and your body, becuase god knows you’ve treated her like she doesn’t matter. And most importantly, continue educating yourself on how have a more sacred relationship with sex
Lots of love, xo
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littlebigafterdark · a month ago
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patton's asthma attack and finally agreeing to try therapy
content warnings: hurt/comfort, detailed description of asthma attack, very brief mention of past eating disorder, crying (i always hav that tho)
i copy pasted this from mine and livs discord convo so thats why it might be formatted weird and i swear a lot also if you see "hhh yeah" then thats liv commenting hshshsh
patton has had a cough the past few days because BASICALY since priscilla (remys cat) visited hes been more breathless with his asthma but he didnt tell anyone bc he doesnt want to worry them or make it so vee never get to see priscilla again if she cant visit anymore
so his asthma is acting up but he ignores it - and hes had asthma cough for a couple days (which is a sign of an incoming asthma attack) but again hes ignoring it, hes so used to brushing off symptoms he doesnt click what it means and he diesn ttake his inhaler when he needs it
WAAAHH oh fuck oh my god oh god wait fuck i just realised
the moment patton gets his asthma attack its saturday afternoon, roman is little and playing with logan and vee isnt quite little yet but fae's on faer way there, fae is very giggly and playful and patton says "okay babygirl, lets go get you changed!"
and when he gets up from the couch he takes a moment to cough and just stand still a sec bc he got suddenly dizzy but he pushed through it to not worry vee, and he actually usually lifts her onto his hip straight away, but this time he very subtly is like "okay hold daddys hand while we walk to the stairs"
so they get to the stairs and patton of course lifts vee up, and theyre only a few steps up when pattons breathing gets really heavy. it makes vee frown and look at him and say "daddy am i heavy?"
and patton smiles and shakes his head, because hes too breathless to speak. but he pushes through and hurries up as fast as possible
once theyre at the top of the stairs, patton is wheezing. his chest is rattling and whistling and he suddenly loses his smile and quickly hurries away from the stairs to place vee gently on the hallway floor, and as soon as vee is safe patton wobbily sinks to his knees and leans his head against the wall. his eyes shut tight trying so so hard to breath but its realy whistly now
and vee of course panics. "dady? papa are you okay??" and whimpers when patton doesnt react and clutches at his chest
and it throws her out of her semi regression. she jumps up and hurries downstairs, a little wobbily but ultimately fine. and she speints to where logan and riman are and yells "daddys h havin a panic attack!" and instantly starts crying
logan and roman were in the middle of a game and smiling and laughing but as SOON as they hear that they jump into action. logan runs out of the room to go to patton and roman grows up and runs to vee and lifts her up to shush her cries and calm her down - they dont even share a single look before they do this, they both just instinctively know what to do
and logan of course finds patton and realises its an asthma attack not a panic attack - he goes into his emergency like emotionless mode where he just gets the job done. he asks clearly where patton keeps his inhaler and patton just shakes his head. so logan alarmed asks "you dont have a reliever inhaler??" and patton winces and shakes his head again.
logan sprints to his room into his bedside drawer to find tthe inhaler he keeps for emergencies double checking it hasnt expired
he sits with his legs around patton, patton leaned back agains his torso, and puffs pattons inhaler for him and times the attack and the puffs (knowing that if it isnt better after ten puffs and fifteen minutes they have to call an ambulance) and using his own deep breaths against pats back to help him recalibrate his breathing
luckily it only lasts 8 and a half minutes and 8 puffs - but logan is so so shaken about the fact that that was very close to requiring medical assistance, he had his ohone out ready to dial 911
once pattons attack is over he's finally breathing, short and deep at first gasping in the oxygen, but within a few more minutes of sitting against logan it slows down and is much calmer. hes very shaky because the reliever inhaler does that to you, and weak from the tax on his body, so logan helps him up into their nearest bedroom (pattons)
at first he calls roman to swap places with him and watch over patton hust so logan can change vee into a diaper since she regressed from fear as soon as roman picked her up and obv he cant change her diaper
so roman sits with patton while logan does that and roman is actually really quiet and awkward and nervous, just looking wide eyed at patton and hugging himself.
and patton feels bad abt that and whispers "its okay little prince, daddys not hurt. im sorry for scaring you, honey" and roman just chews his lip and nods and looks down and they dont talk again until logan is back and roman goes out to take care of vee and logan comes in to lie with patton and rub his chest soothingly
logan is distressed and frustrated and shaken at that point but he knows not to have their conversation until the next day bc patton will be emotionally and physically exhausted
but the next day they have a serious talk - logans pretty ANGRY that patton was so ignorant of his wellbeing that he didnt refill his inhaler, patton brushes it off but logan says its a good thing he secretly kept one for patton (bc he almost suspected this might happen)
it rly hits patton when logan tells him if he had needed anymore puffs than he took they wouldve had to phone an ambulance - like patton not wanting to worry his family by admitting his asthma was acting up backfired way more and has made them worry even more because he had a full attack that could have gone so much worse
the whole conversation is VERY stern and serious even at the start when patton smiles and chuckles and jokes and brushes it off logan just gets frustrated and upset. logan is SO angry literally he is glaring at patton when patton brushes it off and makes jokes abt it and he snaps.
logan actually very seriously tells patton this is self harm and patton goes WHAT nonono no its not i dont know why youre getting so worked up
and logan fucking SNAPS like "Youre not giving your body what it needs to survive because you dont think your worth that!! you're neglecting your basic needs to the point of needing urgent medical care, doesnt that sound familiar??? doesnt that sound like something we've both been through before???" clearly referencing his eating disorder
and pattons eyes go wide and he profusely apologises hes like im so sorry oh my gosh logan honey im sorry did i trigger you im sorry and logans just like STOP APOLOGISING this isnt about me its about you!
and he sso angry bc he thought they trusted each other but the fact that patton didnt tell him when he literally couldnt breathe is so scary to logan
but that is basically an argument bc logan was so fucking worried and devastated that patton has ignored his health to such an extent and vee gets nervous bc both her and roman can hear them yelling and she thinks the cgs will breakup bc they "had a fight"
but once theyre finished talking and vee shakily asks if theyre not gonna be a family anymore they'll of course comfort faer and talk abt it, its not a fight its a disagreement and mummys and daddys have those sometimes. theyre still a family and they still love each other very very much. they all soend their family day together as usual, though patton isnt as able to get up and play with roman understandably
also the fact this all comes around the same week patton and logan tell vee that janus wants to babysit, thats why patton has been absent from the blog recently i guess bc hes been keeping busy trying to work through his feelings of janus wanting to come in
hhh yeah... the way it lines up to patton's other insecurities abt janus coming into the family and it all just piles on too much all at once
so on monday morning logan goes with patton to get more inhalers and they actually stay out for while like they go to a forest or smth just to be alone and help patton recenter a little - he's always loved being in nature, it really brings him a lot of peace, being in nature is really the best way to keep patton grounded from his dissociation, thats why hes always gardening
and logan doesnt want to be angry at him and he knows patton needs support and comfort atm even is patton doesnt think he does so they have a calm day just being together and logan trying to remind patton that hes there for him
HHH stop bc they YEAH bc they kinda had a fight even though it did get 'resolved' but they needed to take time to reconnect their energies and like show each other (and specifically logan show patton) that their love is still secure and their friendship is still strong - just the quiet care of logan taking patton somewhere they can just be alone without responsibilities
secretly patton was rlly upset that logan got angry with him but he didnt show it but logan KNOWS him and he knows he needs to fix it with queality time (pats love lang) because pattons been alone a lot recently, its just been that he keeps busy and accidentaly distanced himself bc the others would all be busy and hanging out in some way and he fet a bit abandoned but yeah logan is dedicating the whole day to him
and patton does end up talking abt his inner turmoil a little but not until theyre like in the middle of the forest and hes a lot calmer and theres no one around, he just feels so much calmer and safer in nature to open up like that.
and this is when patton tells logan about his worries about janus becoming closer to vee, and how its lovely for them but what if it hurts vee, what if they dont get along, what if they DO get along and vee wants to move back with janus. Logan doesnt say anything to the worries, he knows patton just needs to blurt them out while he can, while it mixes with the sounds of nature.
then patton mentions quietly that dr picani phoned him a couple weeks ago and told him that he would like to offer patton a trial session of therapy - not with vee, just patton. logan very calmly asks if that sounds like sometnging that might be helpful for patton and patton just giggles nervously "um i dont know. Vee has therapy"
logan frowns. "yes she does. but that doesnt mean you cant have it too, if you would like it"
patton goes quiet and looks anxious, scratching at the moss on the log theyve sat down on. so logan takes his hand and looks very earnestly at him and says gently "i would like you to at least accept the trial session. It is your decision but... i think it might be worth a try"
patton nods a little, just looking at their intertwined fingers. and after a long silence where they can just hear the birds tweeting and the wind rustling the leaves and small animals scurrying along the grass, patton finally looks up at logan and breathes "i'll go to therapy"
and when patton says that out loud suddenly his eyes well up and he sees logan smile at him - a little sad and a lot proud - and feels his hand squeeze and the tears just dont stop coming and he hides his eyes but laughs nervously like haha dont know why im crying this is so silly! but logan doesnt say anything to it, he just pulls patton into his side and rests his head on pattons head...
and patton keeps trying to laugh and joke but its so choked and sad and nervous and wet and logan wraps his other arm around patton too and just grntly whispers "pumpkin, its okay if youre not happy right now."
and patton just starts sobbing into logans shoulder and logan holds him so tight as they sit on the log
patton cant cope with silence when its about him yknow, he couldnt handle logan not laughing or tutting at his jokes so he just kept joking until logan insisted its ok to be sad
so once they get home logan sits with pstton while he phones dr picani and books his first solo therapy session for friday morning
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beecherdrysdale · 2 months ago
Okkk I’m done w practice! I’m gonna add more from my first response because I fee like the end was a bit rushed.
Yess we would look gorgeous in our clubbing clothes. Jamie and Dylan would be in awe and just couldn’t form a sentence.....
Kirby would be speechless, he would like how am using lucky to date this girl
Kesh and Brigid you would look gorg in anything 💕
You are making me cry w quinner. Waitt I think I already wrote abt this but whatevs heheh.
Also that cake that you talked about Brigid, I would like to try it very much! Those are my fav types of cakes too.
Ice cream cakes are amazing 😍 I’ve never had baskin robbins before?.
Also grocery related- what type of cuisine do we like because I don’t think we would last just eating junk food lol.
Okkkkk next:
I swear we would go to a restaurant all together and for like the first five minutes they are chill and paying attention to us, but once we order the drinks, somebody has already brought up hockey and that’s all they talk about hehe- and we have our own little convos- so after we eat the food, they are still talking about hockey, which is annoying sometimes and they are not paying attention to us so I think I would leave first and then text you and kesh to come out lol. Let’s go eat some ice cream!! They would probably realize the we left after one of them turns to ask us question and they would be like WHAT? Where are they?? And would be spamming us w text. I’m not gonna answer because I wanna be petty lol. Lmao kesh “oh ya know, our:))” Kirby would freak out, I can just see it. Hehe they tracked us and just see us eating and they got made because we didn’t get them any. But I’m not sharing because I love ice cream and have it really rarely 😍😌. Oo what would be a good place to go for them to make it up to us?.
Ok I’m buying you two lbds. I think every wardrobe should have one heheh. I’m not the biggest dress wearer either:) but we would look beautiful !
Ooo Brigid I love that outfit! You would look great! I love bralettes as well:) yaaa I went shopping on my bday and got some like wide leg leather pants, so maybe I would wear those with a cropped blouse or a sheer black top hehe. I like black as well. Ooo kesh I love that outfit as well. Should we match and all wear ripped black jeans ? ☺️ we would look amazing and they would protective lol untillll they get drunk hehe. Oo we should totally have a girls day and go get facials or something , or just chill together anywhere.
I officially love “my person” . I love that they’re possessive, it’s hot. But it also has significant meaning 🥺 also Brigid I loved what you said about that it made my heart melt....
Lmao is jexi or linner good ship names?
Keby is beautiful!
Nah brigid I like your ship names- Brigime, briglyn, or braime? Brylan? They all work for me 💗
Xo Lexi
miss girl your first one was so good, you didn’t need to add anything. not that i’m complaining that you did lol, i love it. anwaysssss another long post
yesss we would all look so hot in our clubbing clothes. like jamie and dyl just don’t say anything when i walk out in my clothes so then i’m like nervous about it but it turns out they’re just in awe and then once they can talk again they’re just like damn. i’m really hyping myself up here lmao. but anyways when kirby sees kesh he’d just be speechless but he’s just be like 😍 and then when lexi comes out quinner would be like damn that’s my girl. like lexi i’m sure you’re gorgeous too, you didn’t hype yourself up enough here lol.
yessss ok i love cake in general sm. and baskin robbins ice cream cake is amazing. lexi we are taking you to get baskin robbins at some point for sure. oooh ok for other food i love any kind of italian or mexican, those are probably my two favorites. like anything pasta is amazing and i love tacos. but honestly any food lol
haha yes so the guys are like oh let’s go on a triple date and for some reason we decide to go along with it lmao. so then we’re all on the date and it first it’s really cute and fun but after maybe 10 min tops they start talking about hockey and we keep up at first, but after a while we get bored lol and start having our own side convos. and then finally after we’ve eaten lexi gets fed up and just leaves and then texts us to come join her so we do. and they don’t even notice we’re gone for like a good 15 minutes. but then they finally do and they’re freaking out, like literally going insane and somehow thinking we got kidnapped even tho we were with them in a crowded restaurant. and then they’re spamming us with texts and lexi and i just ignore them, and kesh just goes really vaguely, “oh just out and about, you know, the usual.” and kirby’s still freaking out even tho he got a response. but then they track us and find us getting ice cream and get annoyed when we don’t share lol. but we’re like no we bought it, you’re not eating our ice cream, and besides we barely ever get it. and then they have to make it up to us lol. where? in the bedroom i’m kidding, i’m kidding lmao. am i really tho? but fr, they take us out on our own dates instead of a triple date and take us to super fancy restaurants bc they feel bad 
ooooh yes when we go shopping we have to get lbds. we’d all look sooo good in them. and those could be fun for clubbing. but then yes we could all match with our ripped black jeans 🥰 and then whatever tops you guys want. and then the guys would be superrrr protective of us when we’re going into the club bc like, we’re their girls. but then once they get drunk they’re just getting super handsy and proclaiming their love for us lol. but yes we def need a girls day to do something fun together without the chaos of the boys lol
yessss i love my person so so much. like i don’t really have much to add to this, when they’re possessive it’s hot🥵 but then it can also be so soft and have such a significant meaning and i love it 🥺
ok so i’m going with jexi, keby, brylan and bramie for ship names, and that’s a wrap folks
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soundsosweeet · 2 months ago
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okay so this is just a rant and i’m posting here bc the least amount of people know about my account lol so feel free to skip (it’s more for myself anyway bc it’s so hard for me to discuss with other people since my sister is home all the time)
so i guess this all started this summer (well not technically but that’s when things started to actually happen)... we have a family groupchat on imessage with me, my sister, and laura’s (my sister’s partner) family (laura is white and so is her immediate family...) and this past spring it was brought to the gc’s attention by my sister that people were basically stocking up on guns and ammo as a response to covid by trump supporters bc he called it the china virus. laura’s dad, of course, who tries to avoid conflict at all costs, tries to change the subject to be more lighthearted and one of his other children, laura’s younger sister notices this and acknowledges it in the gc. later on that morning, my sister made a very important observation and brought it to the gc. i have pointed out before that 3 out of 5 children in this family are with asian people to laura and she expressed that the thought didn’t even cross her mind. the other two siblings are 1) not in a relationship and 2) with another white person. anyway, how do you not notice something like this?? something so blatantly obvious. and it’s not like they all JUST got with these people. they’ve been together and/or married for YEARS.... anyway my sister basically said all of this in the gc, and pointing out how laura’s dad was trying to deflect and change the subject. she pointed out how it must be easier for them to not talk about racism, esp towards asian people. laura kinda backed her up but of course, the bare minimum support. she never says anything to her family esp her parents about anything serious ever. unless my sister points it out to her bc laura is just so oblivious. they’ve been together for what like 17 years and my sister only started to speak up about her negative experiences with laura’s parents a few years ago but she has had to endure racist comments a lot over the years. she has told me this and has expressed her frustration to me about laura and her family. i think she started to talk to me about this bc she knew that i’d understand and she wanted me to help her put these things that she was feeling and experiencing into words that would help laura and her family (mostly her parents) understand what they’ve been saying to her these past several years at times were very offensive. going back to the story in the gc, laura’s younger sister backed up their father and was basically trying to say that he wasn’t trying to go against my sister at all, he was just trying to avoid the subject bc of very stupid reasons in my opinion, she said her father was trying to “steer the conversation away from stockpiling ammunition and general doomsday predictions. This is undeniably bringing out the worst in humanity, but we as a family don’t need to be feeding each others’ fears about it.” like okay.... i’m sorry you’re uncomfortable???? but my sister is right. they never talk about these things (as expressed by laura after having to be asked by my sister) and they need to. it’s long overdue. this was the first part of laura’s sister’s message to the gc in response to my sister, before what she said about steering the convo away from the guns and ammo: “We’re all frustrated right now and it is boiling over. Racism is unjust and sometimes fatal and  it’s absolutely justified to be mad as hell about all of this. And you’re right that sometimes we all avoid the topic of race and racism because we can’t find the right words to skillfully address them or we just don’t try hard enough to. I’m very saddened to hear that on top of everything else, some people are having to fear racially motivated backlash right now and in general.” i really don’t think they’ll understand or ever truly try to understand.. they don’t even want to talk about it!! that’s where my other frustration comes in. with laura. i get that in her own way she’s been trying to help my sister and get her family to talk about all of this but in my eyes, it’s not enough. my sister always raves about how laura is this nice, caring, and understanding person. but i feel like that only is true for things that are directly related to her, or things that are only within her comfort zone. and this kind of conversation, esp with her family, outside of her parents, is outside of her comfort zone. she has also expressed that doing these kinds of things (like having serious conversations) brings her great anxiety which is understandable, but in my eyes, she is using her anxiety as an excuse rather than an explanation. idk if that makes any sense but in other words, i feel that she is using the anxiety that this situation brings her as an excuse not to talk about it or have the least amount of involvement in it. but my sister believes that she is the key to open up the conversation that needs to be had, with her family. i think my sister is right. look how quickly they shot my sister down. they’re not going to listen to her. but they will listen to their beloved daughter. so she needs to create that bridge. and she says that she is trying and i guess she is but i feel like again, it’s bare minimum, if that really. anyway after that comment by laura’s sister, my sister left the gc and the convo in the gc was normal by the next day. same old lighthearted photos and comments and white people humor that i never seem to understand. and just recently, laura’s dad added my sister back to the family gc like WHAT LMAO. i just don’t get it. i mean i guess i do bc to them it doesn’t directly affect them, so they don’t care as much but fuck dude, like this family’s shit!!!! i hate it here lol. 
related but also different story, time, place, etc. so we’ve been living in this house for about 6 months now. this city, as big and diverse as it is, we i guess got stuck around literal trump supporters lol like just my luck really. how do we know that?? well when i look at all the wifi networks, “Trump 2020″ comes up as an option. and it is still there even though he lost. anyway. another example, well idk if they’re trump supporters but i’m making an educated guess bc our neighbors across the way have this huge lit up US flag. like it’s the US flag made up of lights and they turn it on every evening since we got here.... in september. idk how long they had it up before we moved in but man, it’s literally been up and lit every night since we moved in in september like ???? i thought they would take it down after christmas like bc it would make sense, bc they were gonna take down their christmas lights anyway but nope. they took everything else down but the flag!!!! not our whole neighborhood is like that though, or it doesn’t seem to be. you know those yard signs (i know this is bare minimum too but it kinda gives me hope after the whole wifi and flag thing) that are like “love is love, black lives matter” and all that?? omg i found it, it’s this:
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anyway so i see these around too, in addition to american flags and shit. but i was walking my dog one day in broad daylight, i think it was like around 3pm. i was on my own street like on the way home, and i had just crossed the street bc we live on a main street i guess and there are a lot of side streets, so i was just crossing one of the side streets but still stayed on the same side and everything. this car pulls up to the stop sign that i just passed, and by back is facing them, and this guy that sounds about my age like early twenties maybe a bit older was like “HEY LADY WHY ARE YOU WALKING YOUR DINNER. WHY IS THE DOG EATER WALKING HER DOG. WHY ARE YOU WALKING YOUR MEAL.” and just a bunch of variations of essentially the same thing. i know they were trying to get me to turn around when they just kept on going, repeating basically the same phrase. the guy even yelled at me to turn around but i didn’t. the whole time i was looking forward and just kept walking. i also believe he was in the passenger seat but that’s just the way the car was facing like the passenger seat would’ve been the closest to me. i think i heard whoever was in the driver’s seat like chuckling after the guy’s first sentence. i was so scared. i was so scared they were gonna follow me home. i was almost home like i was already on my street!! luckily they didn’t follow me home, and they turned left after they were done harassing me. if they turned right though, then i would’ve been even more scared that they would stop the car and try to hurt me. this old guy who was in front of his house heard everything that happened though and i think saw the guy who was yelling at me and the car that they were in. as i was passing his house, he asked me if i was okay, and of course i lied and said “yes i’m okay, thank you” and kept walking. what else was i supposed to do. idk. i rushed home after that though. this car even drove by me and stopped just ahead of me and i thought they came back but i think they were just lost bc as i was approaching the car, they drove off, probably looking at directions or something. so how this is related to what i was talking about at first... laura told her family about this. her parents and her younger sister (the one that defended her dad earlier). all they had to say was “i’m sorry that happened to you” essentially. like i grocery shop for her parents bc they’re old and you know less exposure and i don’t mind it at all, but anyway when i was dropping the groceries off at their house, laura’s mom asked if i could talk for a minute on the porch and i said yes and she was basically like “laura told me about what happened to you last week” and i was just like “oh” bc i knew that laura told them but i wasn’t expecting either of her parents to actually talk to me about it bc ya know like they always try to avoid talking about serious shit. but she was like “i’m so sorry that happened to you. that’s horrible. there’s still terrible, incredibly racist people out there.” and i was like yeah bro i know in my head lol like ???? there have been many incidents recently that are much worse than mine surrounding asian people esp the elderly, and she never mentioned any of that. just what happened to me. idk it just bothers me that they only really “care” when something happens. i mean they never actually do anything after the fact but they only say shit like that or wanna talk about it when something bad happens to me?? fucked up.
also just some other problems i have with laura (i’m copy/pasting from my notes app lol and adding stuff to it if i feel like it needs more context or whatever):
(i guess this is more about my sister and laura’s relationship and not just laura...) how do express that i’m not part of their relationship. ofc i wanna help my sister bc i know she has a hard time explaining these kinds of things bc she’s explicitly told me and bc i know she’s had to keep quiet or felt like she’s needed to keep quiet for a long time but i’m not part of their relationship. i shouldn’t have to be this person in the middle trying to relay what my sister is feeling to laura so that it’s clear and easy to understand for her white ass fucking brain. bc also the truth is that laura should already know. she’s only ever been with women of color that i know of and i know she’s not oblivious about the history this country has with people of color. she must know something at least but when it comes to her family making weird remarks about asians, she either doesn’t catch it or doesn’t defend my sister. only recently has my sister been comfortable telling laura that these things happen, that she feels uncomfortable with some of the things laura’s parents say whether they’re directed at her or not. and my sister even left the family groupchat bc she tried to say something to the whole family specifically something laura’s dad said about asians being targeted for “causing covid” (not just her parents but the extended family, two of her siblings are also with asian people) but got a negative response (from her dad and her sister) and so she felt the need to leave. they’ve been together for so long like 17 years?? and all of this is just being addressed now but my sister feels that laura isn’t doing enough to make her parents understand the things that my sister has gone through throughout her life and the racism she’s faced and now the heightened amount of racism other asian people are facing. and she’s also scared bc she’s not straight, obviously she’s with laura but laura’s white. and ofc she’s not straight either but she’s still white and that will always come first bc it’s what people are able to see. so when my sister is “being paranoid” about the people who live around us finding out about them because laura’s parents want to give them my sister and laura’s info just in case something happens, laura can’t quite explain my sister’s reasoning to her parents the way that she wants her too. she thinks that laura is sugarcoating these things for them and she doesn’t know why - does she think they won’t understand?? is she just protecting them?? who tf knows. but my sister knows for sure that if they aren’t told straight up why my sister is so scared, then they’ll never understand and they’ll keep trying to do things like this. and ofc i get why my sister is scared, ofc i don’t fully understand but i can imagine why. 
also i just believe that laura is ignorant (and chooses to be). which really sucks, again bc from what i know she has only been with women of color, her ex and my sister. at least those are the only two relationships that i’ve heard of. but i know she also graduated undergrad with a degree in sociology. i know times have changed and that she might not have learned all of the things that i have learned in my sociology classes but fuck man. she’s really gonna limit herself to learning about these things in a classroom esp when we already know our education is targeted towards and favors white people (esp back then, like early 2000s)?? yikes. i don’t understand how one who is not only with someone esp for this long but also got a degree in this kind of stuff just isn’t interested in keeping themselves informed and educated. like just bc you’re with a person of color doesn’t just give you this pass or all the knowledge that you need to know bc guess what, my sister doesn’t even understand all the things that we do (like at this summer, at the peak of the blm protests, my sister asked me “what about asians, why aren’t people talking about how asian people have suffered during the pandemic”). but i know my sister is at least kinda trying. she reads things every day to keep herself informed and also attends virtual discussions. laura does not. my sister has even told me. she works and that’s it. and she says that she understands that laura has anxiety and that these sorts of topics make her really anxious. but i think she’s just scared. i mean i don’t want to undermine her anxiety at all. that’s not what i’m trying to do. i just think that she’s using it more as an excuse rather than like an explanation, if that makes any sense. i just don’t know what to do bc this really frustrates me. and i feel a lot of pressure bc my sister has no one else to talk about it with. and i obviously want to help her and she talks to me bc she knows that i know these things and can help her put these things into words for her so that she can explain everything to laura. but laura gets reeeeeally defensive. and that’s also really annoying. she just shuts down and closes herself off. bc it’s like she doesn’t even try to understand and that’s what i don’t understand about her and this whole thing about her being “nice” and supportive or whatever. this is what my sister has told me and my cousins. that laura is the nicest person in the world. and she’s the one who has told me many times that “anyone can be nice.” and i’m not saying that laura isn’t nice, bc i think she is but i still think that she keeps that kindness and generosity and caring/compassion within her own circle. like she doesn’t necessarily try to do anything for people that aren’t directly within her circle of things she cares about or directly relates to her. she will only donate to organizations that she has a connection to but not the ones that don’t necessarily relate to her like literally anything that involved black people this summer. it didn’t even seem like a possibility to her. it just angers me so much that she’s painted as this really nice, caring person but she doesn’t even care enough to really understand her own partner’s struggles and stand up to her parents for her when she needs her to without being asked. i know it takes time to notice these things especially as a white person bc it’s not really stuff they’re used to noticing or whatever but shit. it’s the least she can do. really. like it’s about time. 
and an update from the present bc the points i made above were from january (right after the incident walking my dog). laura has a new position now at work. she’s the temp assistant nurse manager bc someone left so they asked her to take on the position. she’s only temp bc she technically could be the permanent one but she doesn’t want to do it since they apparently don’t do as much hands-on patient stuff and that’s what she likes to do i guess. it’s more paperwork i believe than she’s used to with her regular position. anyway, before she took on this new position, my sister told me she talked to laura about how even before, she didn’t really help around the house at all. like she’d come home after work and just sleep or dick around. meanwhile, my sister also works all day, cooks, cleans/does laundry (for the house but also her own AND laura’s which i’ve told her more than once is ridiculous.. that she does laura’s laundry), does grocery shopping, etc. like basically everything else, in addition to me, bc i also do a lot of stuff around the house. i also cook, i clean, and i take care of the dog, and go grocery shopping w my sister too sometimes. but the only thing laura really does (and she doesn’t even do it anymore since she started with this new position) was walk the dog. truthfully, i haven’t had the courage to go out again by myself to walk the dog since that happened to me. and i feel like i eventually will but idk. so my sister basically told her if you take this position, you need to promise me you’re gonna try even harder to help me/us around the house. bc her shift time has also switched like instead of coming home around 8pm, she now gets home around 3pm, so much more daylight and time in general to be helping around the house. but guess what. nothing has changed. i haven’t spoken to my sister about it or how she feels, whether or not she thinks that laura is getting better about helping around the house but at least imo, nothing has changed. if anything she sleeps more bc she gets up so early for work now so she naps when she gets home, and nothing gets done bc she has such a hard time getting up after she takes a nap. annoying. 
and an addition to what i was saying about how laura completely shuts down when we talk about her and her family, like how they don’t do shit about anything: when we were talking a couple weeks ago about what happened last spring in the family group chat, laura said that she had texted her sister about the situation to get her honest opinion about what happened and ask her why she responded in the way that she did (defending their dad). my sister and i kept asking laura to tell us exactly how their convo went. and she would look at her phone and tell us pieces. i could tell she was leaving stuff out bc while she was looking at her phone, she’d pause and not say anything, as if she was reading and not tell us bc it would upset us, and then continue on a couple seconds later about the stuff she thought was okay to say. she just didn’t want us to shit on her sister. i could feel it. i even asked her if i could just read the text convo rather than her “reading” it to us, bc she wasn’t actually reading everything and i thought it would be easier than her trying to explain everything they had already talked about. she hesitated then said no, she didn’t want me to read. my sister asked why and she just stayed silent. laura always says that she says to her family and feels that she “just wants to open up a conversation.” okay then what is this?? she’s not even telling us everything!! my sister asked her again why she doesn’t want us to read the texts. she asks “are you afraid we’ll get mad at her (her sister)??” and laura replies yes. my sister says why?? give us a summary of what she said if you don’t wanna read word for word. laura says her sister is just defending their dad and is angry towards my sister, targeting her anger towards my sister bc of what she said in the gc. laura’s sister feels that my sister was specifically targeting her anger at their dad at the time and she was still mad about that. do you see what i’m saying?? this family is fucked. laura does not want to open up a conversation from what i’m seeing. when we’re against her and her family, she doesn’t wanna talk. if we wanna talk generally about racism and homophobia, she’s okay with it. how can you say you wanna “open up a conversation” and not converse or only talk about the stuff that isn’t as difficult to talk about???? but my sister tried to get laura to tell us more by adding that if she told us, we could help her formulate a response she can send to her sister to help her understand where my sister was coming from. laura still refused to tell us. and i still haven’t seen those texts yet and i don’t think i ever will. and i don’t think laura will even talk to us about their conversations anymore. she’s too scared. and that’s all i can think of rn lol. i might update this later but yeah..
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