#we drove through weird parties and drove into the transition into dream 2

[twopoppies]

Hi, love! :) I was wondering if you have like a top ten fic rec list. Just curious to see what your top ten would be. Please and thank you x

So, I’ve had this ask in my inbox all week because I just cannot, for the life of me, narrow down the thousands of fics I’ve read into a top 10. This has less to do with the volume of fics than that I love different fics for different reasons. And just for clarification, I want to give you a list of great fics to read that are not the usual - because I do love many of the fandom classics, but let’s spread the love, shall we? Ok…SO…the best I can do is break up some of my faves into a couple of categories. 

1. Beautifully Poetic Fics

These Roads We Stumble Down by @onewasturning

He’s completely drenched, not one millimetre of him not covered in rain, and the old sheepskin cover over the seat is probably going to stink afterwards from the damp. But even with what seems to be a constant tremor shaking his body, brown hair plastered to his forehead, and a blue tinge to his skin, he’s still probably the most gorgeous person that Harry has ever seen.

Or, Harry picks up a hitchhiker in Oxford, and it’s a long ride to Glasgow.

A Red-Dusted Planet by @onewasturning

Harry finally makes it to the edge of the pool where Louis is almost curled up in on himself laughing in the shallow water. He wants to feel annoyed, his competitive side rankled at the unfair and unjust tactics used by his opponent, but it’s like—

The light refracts off the water and moves across Louis’ skin, darkening the ink of his tattoos, and he looks beautiful, dazzling, still that god laughing down on all the destruction he’s caused. And Harry’s heart is caught somewhere in his breathless chest, like it’s become tangled amidst the veins and arteries whilst trying to make room for wet boys on warm, summery days.

Or, a one-night stand in a small town in Australia turns into a weekend that Harry could’ve never predicted with a boy he may never forget.

reeling through the midnight streets by vashtaneradas

au; louis can’t sleep. neither can the boy on the bridge. the water’s a nice place to meet.

Coup de Foudre by angelwarm

Harry moves to the front door accompanied by insistent lightning flashes. He acknowledges it could also be a murderer on the other side and that he will likely be dead in five minutes.

It should stop him. It doesn’t.

Harry decides not to waste another second and calls through to the other side, “Just a second.” He turns the key in the latch and opens it and—everything around him drops away in one long cloud coming into another cloud.

Caught By the Sun by metal_eye / @metal-eye

“He came every summer. It wasn’t even a question. Harry and his parents—one step, one real—picked up their lives, packed it into a car, and drove long enough to land at the ends of the earth.

“The cabin had been in his family for a hundred years. There was no TV, no phone, no computer, no radio. There were decks of cards and plastic deer and marbles. There were skis and leaves and a tree house.

"And then there was Louis.”

Or, Harry and Louis meet every summer at the lake.

Strange How the Half Light by Anonymous

It’s been two weeks now. Two weeks of tossing and turning in his bed, waking up sticky with sweat, head pounding.

“Your moon is so different from mine, did you know?” the boy, Harry, murmurs, and Louis flushes red, glad the dark of the night hides the blush on his cheeks. Thinking about sweaty nights thrashing around in his bed isn’t the best idea right now. Not here, next to this boy. Some mornings, Louis could swear he wakes up with Harry’s scent on his pillow.

In the light of the moon, Harry tells stories about the places beyond the stars, and Louis wonders about the curve of his lips.

Little Technicolor Things by @tekhnicolor

Louis is a poor writer and recent university graduate, depressed, anxious, and living in London when he meets Harry, an artist with a secret who likes to paint sunrises and pretty boys from California.

six feet beneath the moon by starseas

AU. takes place over one night. harry and louis meet at a going away party.

Where is Your Boy Tonight (I Hope He’s a Gentleman) by ashavahishta

When they hang out together at other times, Nick is usually more careful. It’s not that he’s expecting Harry to cut off their friendship or something ridiculous when he finds out. It’s that he knows Harry would be lovely about it. Harry would look at him with huge sympathetic eyes and apologise that he didn’t feel the same way, and then he’d give him a huge hug and go home to Louis with Nick’s broken heart cradled in the palm of his hand.

2. Super Hot Short Fics

(the rest is under the cut)

Lights off, Lights on by waytoomanypeopleintheaddisonlee / @dinosaursmate

“Fuck,” Louis muttered, quickly palming himself through his joggers.He dropped his head to the doorframe as he heard the telltale sound of climax coming from the bathroom. He let out a quiet, strangled moan, palming himself again as he heard the water stop running.“Shit,” Louis muttered, quickly moving back to his own bed and throwing himself on top of it. A minute later, Harry emerged from the bathroom with a towel wrapped round his waist, smiling brightly, nonchalantly.“Morning, Lou.”-Louis can’t get enough of listening to Harry touching himself.

Good Enough to Eat by objectlesson / @horsegirlharry

“Fuck,” Harry mumbles, shuffling. “You won’t give me shit for it? It’s sorta weird.”

“No,” Louis breathes. “Promise.”

“Okay. I just…fuck, I can’t believe I’m telling you this,” Harry whimpers, and he must be blushing because Louis can feel waves of heat coming off him, his embarrassment a hot, palpable thing. “So, like…I love rimming videos. Nothing makes me come harder,” he admits, covering his face with his hands so his voice comes out muffled and strangled.

It takes Louis a few seconds to process, to mentally rifle through his Pornhub search history and remember what rimming even is; Harry has him so stupid he can’t keep stuff straight. His ears ring, and then it hits him, and, oh, fuck. His stomach turns and tightens so quickly he’s gasping, an audible and shameful scrape of air in the dark. “You…really?” he chokes out.

—

Or, Harry is convinced he’s never gonna be able to try his favorite porn fantasy on a real boy, and Louis offers to remedy this.

Go With It by embro

Prompt: “You thought I was someone else and started making out with me in a club and you’re really hot so I just kinda went with it and now we’re heading back to your place and I don’t know how to break it to you”

Day 27: My Heart Belongs to Daddy by @100percentsassy

Louis and Harry are not going to have sex today.

got my eyes on you by eleadore

Harry’s not supposed to take off his clothes, but it’s one of those unspoken rules, much like don’t have a wank with your best mate and definitely don’t make that a regular thing, fuck, what the fuck.

love to make him moan by say_thanks

they fuck like they’re sex starved, when they’re really, really not.

leave you drowning until you reach for my hand by orphan_account

If Louis told him to do something that he really didn’t want to do, it would be different, but Louis’s never done that, never asked anything of Harry that he couldn’t handle. Except—except maybe this; to obey him without praise, reward, approval, or even mere acknowledgement.

feel you on my neck by Awriterwrites / @a-writerwrites

Harry’s drunk. Harry’s drunk and there’s this guy. This guy plastered to his back and if he could just get a cab…

Based on these lyrics:Feel you on my neck while I’m calling a taxiClimbing over me while I climb in the backseatNow we’re taking offNow we’re taking it off tonight

What happens when Harry rescues Louis at a bar and ends up taking him home?

3. New(ish) Longer Fics You Should Read

Let Me Touch You Where Your Heart Aches by @rosegoldhl

Alcohol was all he could taste. Alcohol and Harry, and he didn’t mind one bit. Harry kissed him back with just as much fervent heat. He pushed Louis against the taxi door and pulled his head back, breathing hot and heavy against his lips.“Let’s go, yes?”

Or a Friends with Benefits AU, in which Louis falls in love and Harry is jealous. There is some Karaoke singing somewhere in there, because how do you write a romantic comedy without a Karaoke scene?

A Few Very Good Mistakes by @louisandthealien

He almost wishes there were a better story.

“Fucked up pop star ends five day bender by wandering into a dive bar alone and passing out in public.”

That would’ve generated press, he thinks, and if there’s one thing that’s constantly on his mind (or more accurately, on the mind of everyone else around him) it’s that all press is good press, and good press is good press but bad press is great press.

Besides, he’s 25 and trying to do the whole transition from boyband to solo pop star. He’s pretty sure a press-fueled meltdown is, like, a right of passage.

The truth, alas, is a whole lot more boring.

—

Louis falls asleep in Harry’s bar. Harry takes him home to hang out.

Save your loving arms for a rainy day by BriaMaria / @briannamarguerite

“What’s got your panties in a twist, then, pop star?” the man finally asked, his gaze returning to Louis’ face.

Something pressed against Louis’ chest and for a moment Louis let himself wonder what it would be like to let all his secret spill out. To fall into the space between them and be devoured by this stranger. Terror mingled with bliss, tangling into a sharp throb he had to swallow hard against.

“Absolutely nothing,” Louis said instead. “Happy days, yeah?”

The man clicked his tongue once, a disappointed, wet tetch that Louis felt. Actually felt.

“My mistake.”

Louis turned desperate eyes on him, blinking too fast. He could see his own lashes flutter. “I’m living the dream, mate” he said and even he could hear the way his voice cracked along the edges. “What would I have to be upset about?”

–

Or the one where Louis is a pop star who has lost his voice and Harry helps him find it.

like a boomerang by youwilll 

AU in which Harry gets trapped in a lift, Louis gets stuck in a Wednesday, and it’s always February 2nd. Until it isn’t.

Fool’s Gold by tvshows_addict / @tvshows-addict

Leaflet for Over Again Inc.

“In relationships, there are three types of people: those who are happy, those who are unhappy but accept it and deal, those who are unhappy and in denial.

Handling this last category is our job: we are professional couple breakers.

To reach our goal, we use all means necessary.”

Or the Arnacoeur AU in which Harry is scheduled to be married to Liam in 10 days and Harry’s mother hires Louis and his team to break them up.

Don’t Want Shelter by @fullonlarrie

Louis and Harry have known each other all their lives. Friends as children, they danced around each other as teenagers, and have spent the last twenty-five years either screaming at each other or not speaking at all. Except for that one time ten years ago…

When Hurricane Nicole threatens the coast, they end up stuck together in their families’ old vacation home that they begrudgingly co-own.

During the storm, and in the months after, they’re both forced to reevaluate their history and what they mean to each other.

Barefoot in Blue Jeans by @indiaalphawhiskey

AU. Louis Tomlinson is trying desperately hard not to fall for his son’s au pair, but he can’t, for the life of him, remember why.

475. The hope that this fear is unfounded.

Hopefully I’ve given you some that you haven’t read yet, as that’s always my goal (along with giving you great writing to enjoy). 

#larry fic rec #mine #top 10 that actually became a list of 24 #good lord #Anonymous

[dixonspeaker-blog]

6th Grader’s Weren’t Allowed to Play Sports

By Dixon Speaker

For Paulette Speaker

6th graders weren’t allowed to play sports. That was the rule. Maybe they wanted us focusing on the radical transition from elementary school, where one teacher taught all subjects in one single classroom, to the middle school format where 8 different teachers taught their own specialized subjects in 8 different classrooms. This was difficult, especially for young boys who latch onto any new distraction like rodeo clowns to a loose bull. Or maybe the reason was something simpler, like they didn’t want us playing contact sports with 8th graders who were significantly more developed than us. In football, for example, the middle school league was called “The Unlimited League,” as in, wow, that guy who is about to hit Dixon looks like he weighs unlimited pounds. I did play Halfback in high school, and during one game a missed down block by our center created a free sprinting lane for Garnet Valley’s 315-pound nose-tackle. I’ve never been struck by a moving car but this was the closest thing to it. Anyway, regardless of the reasoning, the rule they had was no sports, so everyone in 6th grade had to find other things to do. For me this created a problem. I played a lot of sports growing up. You could say my life was made up of finding ways to pass the time between games. Most 6th graders just went home and played with their brothers or sisters. This wasn’t an option for me. I didn’t have any brothers or sisters. I still don’t. On top of that, both my parents worked full time: My Dad travelled 3-4 days a week selling purified natural gasses while my mother worked until 6 o’clock at night as an executive in a furniture company. So every day after school I took the bus to Mom Mom’s. Mom Mom’s house was located literally on the edge of a cliff, sandwiched on the other side by a busy highway that she would never dream of letting me cross alone to seek out comrades in the surrounding neighborhoods. I was therefore left to occupy myself at Mom Mom’s cliff-side abode, which had several acres of fenced-in backyard to run through, but no other children to share it with. There was only so much a 12 year old child interested in sports and videogames and a 70 year old woman who grew up with a pet raccoon could do together before they both got bored. I had to find something to do with my time, and what I decided to do was to try out for the school play (This was allowed. No sports, but any and all other after school activities were acceptable). The play that year- the “fall drama” as they called it- was an adaptation of The Little Rascals.  You can guess what the play was actually about, because I don’t remember. I was not an actor. I was never in a play before. No one in my family had any type of performance background. In fact, the only time I remembered stepping foot inside a theatre was once when I was very young. A bearded man in a yellow costume darted across the stage and terrified me down to the most central whispers of my being. I cried so hard my mother had to take me home early. A picture of that man remains vivid in my memory, even today. I joined the play anyway. I had a The Little Rascals movie on VHS tape that I would watch from time to time. Also, trying something foreign and failing badly still outweighed spending every day after school alone watching Disney in a dark corner of Mom Mom’s house. Now, before trying out for the play you have to think about trying out for the play, which was much more stressful than the tryouts themselves. Being in the school play was not considered “cool” by any standards, something I was very much concerned with in 6th grade. Middle school was a weird time for me. There was a lot of figuring out who I was and who I wanted to be going on, and I knew precious little about either. What others thought of me, how I appeared, was something that consistently occupied my thoughts. It was this type of thinking that lead to the events of this story. The day before tryouts I was approached by one of the deans, Mr. Sag. We locked eyes across the hall. I knew that I was toast. Mr. Sag was old, so old that he actually taught both of my parents when they attended that same middle school many years before. Pennsylvania teachers got generous pension benefits, at least they did back then, so it was common to see strange old men like Sag in schools throughout the state. He shouted my last name as he approached me. Speaker! I didn’t say anything, just stared up at him and blinked. He was a big man. His face was a slab of wet meat hanging in a butcher shop. I heard you’re trying out for the play he said. Well, I was, you know, just thought I. His eyes fired up and he took a step closer. His head blocked all the light in the hall. He took a deep breath before he spoke. Are you an athlete, or are you some thespian? Spit flew out of his mouth in all directions. He stomped off without waiting for a response. I turned slowly just in time to see the back of his enormous head bob down the stairs and out of sight. Students were walking all around me but I might as well have been standing alone on the moon. I was impressionable and crushed to pieces. I sat quietly through the rest of my classes without answering any questions or writing a single note. I went straight to the bus after school. At Mom Mom’s I ate a TV dinner and watched Disney in the dark until my mom picked me up at 6. In the car I told her I had changed my mind. I didn’t want to try out for the play anymore.

Halfway through school the next day I changed my mind again. Screw Sag, I was trying out for that damn play. When the 2:30 bell rung I talked a bit with my friends and by three I was headed to the auditorium. It felt strange to walk the empty halls. Like I was in the same place only very far away. Another universe, maybe another time. How the tryouts went is unimportant. I forget what it is they made me do. I don’t remember rehearsing any lines, so I probably just had to read something. I got a speaking role but it wasn’t a big role and I wasn’t even a real Little Rascal. My character was just called Dixon. When the thing was over I walked down the hill to where the busses picked us up. These were called the “Five O’clock Busses,” and they had and different numbering and routing system than the traditional busses that took most of the students home at 3. The Five O’clock Busses were for kids doing activities. I asked around that day and found out what bus dropped me off closest to my Mom Mom’s house. I had not thought about being dropped off on the wrong side of the busy highway. You’ll soon see why that didn’t matter. As I stood there, a bus which was not my bus careened into the loop and stopped abruptly. The door swung open. I looked up into the bus and saw a large woman with long blonde hair wearing a baseball cap. Her hair was flying all around. She scowled down at me. I immediately recognized this woman. Her name was Millie. I knew her because she drove me to preschool and I was her first pick-up of the day. We grew close and even had a song we would sing together until we reached the second pick-up. In elementary school I turned heinous one day and she had to pull the bus over. We never spoke again until this day. She shouted at me to get in. Silently seated on that bus, bumping forward, hands in lap, the few seemingly minor decisions and the radical consequences they created began to set in. It went like this: The night before I told my mom that I was definitely not trying out for the play. So, to her, life would proceed as usual and I would take the bus home after school to Mom Mom’s. The next day I changed my mind- now this is key- and didn’t tell anyone. If something like this happened now the change of plans could be easily communicated through a simple text message. But when I was in 6th grade cell phones were just starting to be widely distributed, and I didn’t have one yet. So I stayed after school without telling a soul. It’s also important to know that I never did anything like this. I was a thoroughly responsible child, exactly where I was expected to be at the time I was expected to be there. You can imagine the shade that descended over my poor Mom-Mom’s heart when the bus pulled up to her house that day and she watched the doors swing open, then swing slowly closed, without her precious grandson exiting. Slamming shut, they sent an impossible sadness throughout her house and therefore her life as well. This set off a series of events that moved very quickly, all while I was sitting in the middle school auditorium waiting to read my lines. Mom-Mom called my mother and told her I didn’t get off the bus, and probably that she suspected someone snatched me and that I was more than likely dead. My mom, trying to remain calm, thought to herself that I just changed my mind about the play. She called the school to check. The ladies in the office told her they could call for me on the PA system and tell me to come to the office and they would call my mom back and tell her that I was all right. In many cases that would have been the end of it, but for reasons unknown, the PA system in the middle school couldn’t be heard in the auditorium, something both of the ladies in the front office were unaware of. So, when they called my mother back 20 minutes later with the news that I had not shown up, the assumption by all parties was that I was not in the school at all. This was when my mother began to panic. She quickly flapped her arms at her desk, something she does when scared. She called my dad, then Mom-Mom again, then the school again, then several friend’s houses where I could have been. When these searches turned up empty she called the school again and it was decided that all they could do was wait to see if I somehow turned up at The Five O’clock Busses, and if I did then Millie the bus driver, who knew both me and my Mom Mom, would make sure I got onto her bus and make a special one-time drop off at a road near Mom Mom’s house. If I didn’t show up at the busses I guess they would have called the police. As I got off the bus I saw Mom-Mom’s  El Camino sitting on the shoulder up the road like a cop car on a stake out. When I got home later that night there was a newly purchased cell phone sitting on the kitchen table. . . . This was one of many events I lived through while I was younger but couldn’t fully understand until I was older. I needed distance before I could evaluate the true emotional recourse of the thing. What I immediately thought was a gross overreaction I now look back on and view as a reasonable response. Of course they were going to worry. I’m their only son. My mom still tells me to this day, “I don’t have a replacement.” Even when all signs pointed to a non-event, pointed to the likelihood that I was safe, when intense love is present, it makes perfect sense to be attracted to that worst thing, to losing that love. I believe that’s what my mom and dad and Mom-Mom experienced that day, and over time I’ve learned to love them back for it. . . . I don’t know much about life, but what I do know is that it’s something like a river. You may see different sizes, shapes, speeds, but what’s certain is that it’s always flowing forward. To resist is a temporary exercise. Water finds its way. What I have also learned about this river is that although a great distance may exist between points, it can look quite the same. The beginning can resemble the end, the end the beginning. What one experiences now is not the only time the river may break in that direction. It returns to itself. At least I think it might. This is what I mean. In 2015 my Mom decided to move to Spain for a month. She wasn’t feeling particularly happy with her job, or possibly even her life (she never said this explicitly), so in the evenings she would click through Airbnb listings in Barcelona. She would even click the heart buttons, relegating them to her “favorites” so she could go back later, look at the pictures of Spanish rooftops, and for a few moments imagine herself living in a foreign land, and by extension inside a life filled with slightly more adventure. An exercise like this is probably common inside of American homes. Perhaps your mom or dad is doing it right now. And it would have forever remained an exercise if my cousin and I weren’t living with my parents at the time. My cousin was taking nurse anesthetist classes at Penn, so Monday through Friday she would stay with us in the suburbs and commute into the city by train. She slept in my childhood bedroom with a floor to ceiling baseball mural on the wall. With Cait around we would sometimes get into the wine during the week if we were bored. One of these nights we all ended up in my mom’s office, cups in hand, ooh-ing and ah-ing over saved Airbnb pages. There was one we knew was her favorite because she had shown us before, it had the best reviews, and the host spoke English. A few moments later she had her credit card out and was asking us both if she should just do it, to which Cait and I responded with a resounding yes. So she clicked the button and just like that she had a flat for a month in downtown Barcelona. My father wasn’t present for the booking and didn’t find out until several weeks later, and even then not from my mom’s mouth but from a girl I was dating at the time. It’s not that my mom didn’t want him to know, it’s that she had never done something like this before. She was waiting for the appropriate time to break the news. Well, my father didn’t get mad because he is a sweet, sweet man. Instead he decided to support my mom’s leap of faith decision by joining her for a week of the trip. When that happened I decided to join too. How it happened was both my mom and her sister would fly over and stay for a week. This was a big deal for my mom. She had never been outside of the country except for her honeymoon in Mexico and one time to Canada, and those don’t really count. Even though she didn’t admit this to me until her sister had left and she was alone for a week, I knew my mother was scared. Making big changes when you’re older has got to be scary for most people. It’s probably because you’re not as dumb as you were when you were younger and therefore not as invincible. The second week my mother would be alone, and I would fly in for the third week. The fourth and final week my dad would come and we would all be together as a family. When my father arrived she arranged for a car to pick him up at the airport and drop him off in front of the apartment. It was the same driver who dropped her and her sister off on the first day of their trip. There was an elevator in the flat but it was old and small so he carried his luggage up the stairs. When he entered he was out of breath. Rooms are scaled differently in Europe. You can tell if you see it. It’s as if everything was measured with a different ruler, which I guess is true. These optics, coupled with his outfit, a nondescript athletic material shirt from Walmart, a blank hat, cheap sneakers, all made him seem like even more of a gigantic white person than he already was. Like Gandalf inside Bilbo Baggins’s house in The Shire. Sweat poured down his face as he unpacked his bags. When he was finally settled in my mom laid out some olives and cheese and we drank wine and talked about our trips. It was still early and I had a few places I wanted to see downtown. There was a café where Hemingway and other Ex-pats supposedly drank, some church with interesting origins. We decided to part ways. I would head out on my own while they finished unpacking. They would see a few things and we would all meet back at the apartment for a short siesta. So that’s what we did. A friend told me that everyone should travel by themselves at one point in their life, but I forget why he said everyone should do it. I remember the afternoon being extremely quiet in a city full of noise. I talked to no one. Soon enough the voices of the city began to fade. I felt light and detached, like when I would go sit in my car during my break and stare out into the brown grass moving carefully in the wind. After a beer and a long sit in an alley that I could never find again, I headed back to the flat. Honestly, I missed my parents here, even if it had only been a couple of hours. I had reached a period with my parents that would last for a while longer but not forever. Like two planets coming into view every night for a few days across a warm and cloudless August sky. This is a period I hope everyone gets to experience with their parents but I’m afraid too many seldom do. A time where you are no longer too young but they’re not yet too old. When you can drink together, make jokes together. When no one takes themselves too seriously. With this thought I bounded up three flights of stairs, heart fluttering in my chest, full of hope. I flung open the door and when I saw their faces it was this same hope that came crashing down.  

She told me the story backwards, starting with the result: My father had been robbed. It happened right away. The entire afternoon while I was meandering narrow streets buzzed on pinkish wine, they had been dealing with crisis. After he unpacked they left the flat for the subway. They were going to the city center, possibly following the same route I had taken just one hour before. To get there you had to transfer lines at one of the busiest stations in the city. They boarded a car on the yellow line and were followed by a throbbing mass of bodies. Person after person squeezed into the car, bumping them, touching them, limiting the space in which they could not only stand but also even breathe. My mother was wise to the thieves of this city. She had all of her belongings inside of a zipped and clipped handbag lined with mesh steel. She could have used it to block a bullet. She had it tucked up into her armpit. Now, the extreme caution she took on her part she transferred to my father, but the focus fell on his physical well being instead of his belongings. As people smaller than him piled into the car, he stood there swaying like some giant who misplaced his mammoth. He looked at my mother and smiled. Hold on to something, she shouted, just before the train jerked forward. I’m sure she envisioned him toppling over as the car took motion. He was in the middle surrounded by bodies, so he grabbed onto the only thing he could, the ceiling rack above his head. The car rounded a soft curve. Bodies and limbs pressed against him like a lung. The car came to a stop, the doors opened, and the throng of people leaning against him (all small women, incidentally) filed out of the car. The doors closed and the subway continued. My father’s wallet, which had been held in a zipper pocket of his cargo shorts, was gone. He felt its absence as the car left the station. And that was that.   My dad alerted my mom, who stood in shock as the last week of her trip exploded in her mind. They rushed not home but to the Barcelona Crowne Plaza. My dad had memorized its location before stepping foot onto the plane. He was a Holiday Inn rewards member, and inside a network hotel he felt more comfortable, he felt at home. Without acknowledging those working at the reception desk he marched directly to their business center where he used their phone and internet services to cancel his credit cards and place alerts on all of his accounts. He printed out pictures of sensitive documents he had emailed himself before the trip. On his way out he did acknowledge the staff, but only to ask them to call a cab for him and my mother who had been sitting quietly in the lobby, still very much in shock. They bought several bottles of wine next door before both trudging up the steps to the flat to drink and forget. To try their best to, anyway. This is how I found them. As they told me this story emotions grew inside of me. Not sorrow, not fear or panic. What grew was an overwhelming sense of frustration. Not in them, but in myself, at the thought that if I wasn’t off on my own, if I was just with them watching, this could have all been prevented. And as we sat there for a few more hours, as my mom and I poured glass after glass of wine, as dad moved from counter to couch and slowly fell asleep, whatever energy or forces that existed between the three of us changed. What I saw and felt were not two people who for 25 years existed as protectors. What I saw for the first time were vessels of some new responsibility. . . . My father recovered from the robbery and was able to enjoy the rest of the trip. I was extremely proud of him for this, another new emotion. Two days later they were off on their own again. We were to meet in a central plaza at two o’clock. At 10 minutes past they still hadn’t shown up. I began to sweat. I kept looking at my phone even though I had no service. Dreadful scenarios formed in my head. But as my mind raced I saw them turn the corner, smiling and holding hands. I told myself to relax. I told myself that they would be okay and I began to believe it. Would I continue to worry? Of course. But I knew it was an emotion I could learn to accept. On the second to last day of the trip I took the subway to the far north end of the city, the last stop on the purple line, and I went to the beach. I spent the day laying in the sand reading Charles Bukowski stories on my Kindle. A very old couple placed their bags next to mine. The woman put on a white swim cap and they waded into the shallow waves to perform calisthenics. I finished my book and when I looked up again the old man and the old woman were dancing hand in hand along the shore. There was no music, just the roar of the breakers slowly crashing at their feet. I looked at the couple and I thought that to worry was not so bad, because behind that worry were embers of love. As I looked down the beach I saw myself dancing, real slow, very old. And what I felt again was hope. Hope that one day, when my parents are gone, when my aunts and uncles are gone, there may just be some youngster sitting on some faraway beach, listening to the sounds of the same waves, worrying about me too.  

#writing #childhood #travel

[pastelbatfandoms]

Mommy Survey Part 2

I.) THE PARENTS

A.) Mommy

First Name::Michelle

Initials::MRC

Current Age::32

Age when child was born::31

Single, Dating, or Married?:Married

Eye Color::Brown

Hair Color::Brown

Height::5'1

Body Type::Petite

Religion::Agnostic

Month of Your Birthday::April

Number of Kids::2

Kids Current Ages::4 years and 1 year

B.) BIOLOGICAL DADDY

First Name::Michael

Initials::MAC

Current Age::33

Age at Child’s Birth::31

Eye Color::Blue

Hair Color::Brown

Height::6'1

Body Type::Stocky

Religion::None but not Atheist

Month of Birthday::December

Number of Kids::2

Still together?:yes

How much is he involved with the kid?:Very much

External image

II.) LIFE BEFORE BABY

Did you think you wanted kids?:yes

Did you ever babysit/work with kids?:No

Did you party a lot?:No

Smoke?:only as a Teen

Drink?:Socially

Do drugs?:Smoked Weed as a Teen

What were your favorite things to do/hobbies?:Read,Dance,Collect Dolls,Watch TV,Shop,Write,Computer,Play with My Pets

How did you meet the baby’s father?:We Found each other on a Dating Site Called Geek 2 Geek and Met 4 Months later at My Brother’s House in Tacoma.

III.) PREGNANCY

What was the 1st clue that you were pregnant?:I didn’t know until we were at The Doctors and Michael Mentioned that I might be lol I didn’t notice that I’d missed My period.

How did you feel when you found out?:Excited,Nervous <<Same

How long did you wait to tell the dad?:He knew before I did lol

How did he initially react?: Excited cause we had been trying.

Were you dating, married, or not together at the time?:Married

Was the baby a surprise, or were you trying to get pregnant?:trying

How long before you told your friends?:I think I called My Family right away

What about family?:Same<<I don’t have any friends

Were you nervous to tell anyone?:No

Did anyone’s reactions surprise you?:No

Did you ever consider abortion or adoption?:We Considered Adoption or I did but it’s so Expensive and such a long Process. Michael’s always wanted his own kid.

If so, what made you change your mind?:Michael

Were you living with your parents, the dad, or on your own?:We obvi live together

Were you working/in school?:No

Did you have to “shop around” for the right OB?:No <<We stuck to the one we already had.

Did you find out the gender before birth?:Yes <<

Describe how you felt when you first saw the baby on an ultrasound::Happy

Was the dad there?:yes

Were there ever suspicions that something was wrong with the baby?:No

If something WAS wrong, did you question going through with the pregnancy?:I would never abort

How far along were you when you started to show?:3 Months <<4 Months I think idr

Ever took pictures of your pregnant tummy?:Yes

Were you a smoker when you found out that you were pregnant?:No

:Did you ever drink during pregnancy?:No

What about drugs?:Nope

:Did you take prenatal vitamins?:Yes

Did you ever have morning sickness?:Once <<No just lots of Nausea 

What about gestational diabetes, swollen feet, etc?:I had Gestational Diabetes and Swollen Feet and Hands the last few Months <<No because it was Winter thankfully.

Do you have any genetic probs. you were afraid would pass on to the baby?:No

Did you ever cry about silly things because of hormones?:yeah

Did you have any weird cravings? For what?:in the first Month,Like Pickles Hot Dogs and Mustard wrapped in a soft Tortilla <<Surprisingly No just drank lots of Orange Juice lol

:Did you go to lamaze classes?:No

Wasn’t it amazing when the baby kicked?:yeah

Did people ask to rub your belly?:thankfully no

Did you ever dream about the baby?:yeah

Do you miss being pregnant?:I did for awhile not anymore

What was your expected due date?:Oct 3,he was born on Sept 14 <<Later than March 8 but idr

Did you ever get hurt or injured while pregnant?:no <<Yes while at The Fair I didn’t know until the next day when I started bleeding. thankfully I had just ripped My uterus and it wasn’t a Miscarriage. it was a pretty scary day though. 

Did you read baby books/magazines?:yes

Top 3 boy names you liked::Adrian,Logan,Jackson<< Aubray,Alexander

Top 3 girl names you liked::Meredith,Madeline,Echo<<Alexis,Aubrie,Alexandria,Adriana.

IV.) THE BABY SHOWER

Did you have just one, or more?:1

How far along were you?:7 Months <<<8 Months I think

Did the dad attend?:yes

How many people attended?:idk a good handful

Did you have activities/games planned?:yes

What was your favorite gift?:The Diaper Cake was pretty neat <<The Bassinet

What gift ended up being the most helpful?:the clothes <<Yep and Diapers

Did you get anything that you never used?:yeah we got two Baby Carriers so we sold one<< The Sport Clothes and Socks

Did you have a diaper cake?:yep<<No My Mom made a real one

V.) LABOR

Where were you when you went into labor?:at home

What were you doing at the time?:I was awake screaming on the floor until Michael got home yeah fun times...

Were you alone?:No My Son was Home but he was only 3 :(

How long before you went to the hospital?: right when Michael got home

How did you get there?:Michael Drove

How did you feel? (nervous, excited, scared, etc):Nervous I guess I was just in pain there were no emotions lol

VI.) BIRTH

Did you give birth before, after, or on your due date?:Before He was born on March 8.

Who all came to the hospital and waited in the lobby?:My Husband and Son,didn’t have time for anyone else to get there!

Who stayed in the room during birth?: My Husband

Did anyone film the birth?:No

What kind of birth was it (C-section, vaginal, water birth, etc):Vaginal

Did you have an epidural?:No didn’t have time!

If yes, did you still find labor/delivery painful?:Not with an Epidural,the beginning when I was in labor without the epidural yeah

Did you have an episiotomy?:idk what that is

Was your OB there, or did you have an on-call doctor? Yes he delivered  The Baby

Were there any complications during/after delivery?:Thankfully not

Did you curse anyone out during labor? Scream/cry?:No But I did Scream lol

How long were you in labor before you started pushing?:Not very long,in total it took 15 hours <<Shorter than that lol 

How long were you pushing before the baby was born?:awhile <<Not very long I was in Labor before we even got to the Hospital

What time was it when the baby was delivered?:5:16 PM <<I think it was 8 PM idr

How long before you first got to hold the baby?:right away

Did you have any injuries from labor and delivery?:I did tear <<Same I think

VII.) THE BABY AT BIRTH

Name::Alexander Marcelus

Initials::AMC

Whose last name did the baby keep?:Our’s

Birth weight::I honestly don’t remember I think 6.9 maybe...

Bald, a little hair, or a full head of hair?:Full head of hair

Eye color at birth::Blue

Did it change later?They are now Hazel

Hair color::Light Brown

Features inherited from mommy::Hair Color (and it being Oily unfourntly),Face Shape,Eyes

Features inherited from daddy::,Nose,Feet

VIII.) HOSPITAL STAY

How long did you stay in the hospital?: Only a Couple Days

Did the baby have to stay longer?:we stayed with him the whole time

Did the baby have to go into the NICU?:No

Did you have any issues with the hospital or nurses?: No I liked Most of the Nurses Especially Audrey who did Most of  the Work while I was having Him. <<Same

When it was time to go home, were you excited or scared?:Excited

Did anyone stay at the hospital with you?:Michael

Who all came to visit in the hospital?: My Brother and Sister in Law,Michael’s Mom I think

IX.) NEWBORN

Was he/she an easy baby?:yes

Did they have colic?:Yes

Breastfed or formula?:Both

If breast, did you have any problems with nursing?:yes,which is why he’s formula fed now. but he was breast fed for a few Months

Did baby use a pacifier?:yes

If so, what word did you use for it?:Binkie

Cloth or disposable diapers?:Disposable we do have some Cloth but we haven’t used them ever

Where did the baby sleep?:in His Crib,His Swing or With Me

Did the belly button ever make you nervous?:a bit

If it was a boy, was he circumsized?:yes

Did you bring them to the hospital often?:No Just for his Checkups

What was the hardest thing to adjust to?:lack of sleep

Something funny you did because of sleep deprivation::Funny,there was nothing funny about it lol that <<

Something cute they did as a newborn::he always does cute things,his laughing,Now his running around and yelling

Do you remember the first real smile?:yep

How often did you do tummy time, and when did you start?:we tried to do it once a day,he hated it though.

How old were they when you finally felt comfortable leaving them w/ someone: 1 Month probably but I don’t really remember

Who, besides dad, helped the most at this age?:Grandma’s

How long before you went back to work?:

What about dad?:he could only get a Week off but he did take More Days after that.

How well did siblings/pets adjust to the baby?:I think the Pets were used to it lol and Adrian loves him.

Did you ever use a baby sling?:No

What about a walker?:yes

Anything scary happen to/with the baby at this age?:Not really

Did they ever have febrile seizures?:no

Stop breathing?:no

Cutest outfit at this age:: His Spider Man or Super Man Onesies.

Where was baby’s first outing to?:The Store

When did you start transitioning to solids?:idr

What was baby’s reaction?:he liked it mostly

What was their favorite first foods?: Fruit

Did they get sick often?:He did projectile Vomit but that was only once thankfully

First word: Baba

:Second word: Mom

:Were they baptized?:No

X.) TODDLER Age

first crawled: He crawled for quite awhile I think he started at 8 Months

Age first walked: 11 Months I think 

:What was their favorite thing to do at this age?:at Toddler age? So Now...Climb on Things,watch TV,Play with Brother.

Foods they love? EVERYTHING lol 

:Foods they hate?: he doesn’t really NOT like anything…Some Veggies I think

Who (besides mom and dad) was their favorite person?: My Niece Hailey

What about best baby friend?: He doesn’t have one yet.

Did they attend daycare? Nope

At what age?

:Did you fill in one of those baby scrapbook things?: No I forgot we had one...

If so, did you finish it, or give up on it?:

Did they watch TV as a toddler?: yes he’s been watching TV since he was a baby. He’s 1 year now.

If so, what is their favorite shows?: True and The Rainbow Kingdom

Favorite Movies? Xander doesn’t really have any but he does like watching Bendy and The Ink Machine MV’s lol

What was their bedtime routine?: None

What time was bedtime?: 10<<Now it’s 12 sigh

What time did they wake up in the morning?: 10 <<8 or 9

Did they enjoy bathtime?: He’s loved Baths ever since he was a baby.

:What were their favorite songs?: Bendy Songs lol

Favorite Color: idk

Favorite animals?:Cats

Favorite place to go?: 

Did you go to the park a lot?: No

What about take baby to restaurants?:We take him,he’s usually good. but he does have a habit of throwing his food on the floor.

What were your favorite crafts to do together?:

Did you ever color in their coloring books for your own enjoyment?:No I have my own XD

Were they social, or more reserved?:he’s pretty social.

Did you ever use a “leash”?: No

Ever had a problem with a babysitter?:Nope I’ve never had a stranger baby sit my kids.

Were they gentle with animals, or a little too rough?:He;s pretty Gentle

Did they ever get bit by an animal?: No

What about another kid?: No

Were they biters/hitters?:Hitting a bit

Any allergies?: Not yet

At what age did they potty train?: He’s not at that age yet.

How hard was potty-training for you?:How long did it take?:

Was there any punishment for not using the potty?: 

What was their reward for using it?:

What were their favorite outdoor activities?: 

Favorite indoor activities?: 

Any major behavioral issues?:

Health issues?:

Any friends/relatives they just did not like?

:Some funny things they did at this age: Spinning around in Circles and trying to Dance

:Some cute things they did at this age: ^^

:A scary event that happened at this age:when he fell off the bed and the changing table. thankfully that has only happened once.

:Did you spank them at this age?: No

What about yell at them?: Yes

What one thing did they eat most often? Cereal,Spaghetti O’s,Pizza,Fries ect

:Did they get candy/chips/sweets?: Rarely

What about soda?:No

Fast food?: Sometimes

Were they overweight or underweight?:Neither

Did they pick up any bad words from you?: 

Sing along with mainstream radio?: 

Did you ever give them Benadryl so you could get some sleep? no!

What about take them on vacation?: Not yet

What was their comfort item?: His blanket and Binkie.

XI.) PARENTING STYLE

Would you say you are more lenient or strict?:A good mixture of both

Were you ever a single parent?:No

Worked or stayed at home?:Stay at home

Did you and your partner ever fight about how to do something “right”?:prbly

Anyone ever criticized your parenting?:Who, and what did they say?: I don’t know and don’t care.

What was the best compliment you received about parenting/child’s behavior?:

Did you ever discipline someone else’s kid?: when I had to Baby sit yeah.

What was your main way of disciplining?: Time out or Grounding.

How often were you guilty of using the TV as a distraction?: lol all the time

XII.) DID YOU EVER

Fight/argue in front of them?: try not to

Accidentally break/lose a toy?: yes

Give in to a fit?: Yes

Make a myspace/facebook under your child’s name?:No,he can have one when he’s older

Use WIC?:Yes we do

Foodstamps/welfare?: Nope we apparently “make too much”

Take them to Disney World?:Hopefully!

Take them overseas or on a plane?: Not yet

Get in a car wreck with them in the car?: No thank god

Let them miss school when they weren’t really sick?:

Get them their own pet?:We Might

Rent a Fun Jump/jump castle for their birthday?:Nope

Bake a cake/cookies with them?: We will

Smoke around them?:we don’t smoke

Enter them into sports?: If he wants to

Take them to a public pool?: Sure

Move after they were born?:we will be

Write them a letter to give them when they are older?:No

Take them to a museum?:No but we have been to Jurassic Quest

Take out a life insurance policy?:Write a will?

Get a kids song stuck in your head?: ALL THE TIME

Watch Youtube together?:When he watches it on TV

Download a game for them on your phone?:No he’s too young and when he’s older we’ll buy him a Kindle

Get walked in on during an intimate moment?:Not yet lol

Lie to a pediatrician?:Get a second opinion from another doctor?:

Call CPS on someone?: Almost

Get dirty looks when your kid threw a fit?:Again idc

XIII.) FIRSTS

Halloween Costume: Stitch from Lilo and Stitch

Pet:: We have 3 Cats and 1 Dog he doesn’t really need his own pet yet.

Vacation:

:Death they experienced::None

Formal event they attended:A Wedding

:Coherent drawing::None 

Professional picture:Our First Christmas together.

:XIV.) MEMORIES

Are most of your photos o them developed or digitally stored?:Digital

Did you keep a journal of moments you don’t want to forget?:I will

Do you make home videos?:Yes

Do you have any of their old toys/clothes in storage?:Not in Storage but we have kept some of his old clothes.

What about things they’ve made (drawings, etc)?:Yes

Do you send family photos as Christmas cards?:we do

Do you have framed photos of them displayed in your house? Not yet we have the photo’s but not frames….

:How about at work?:

In your wallet?: Michael does

Do you still have their ultrasounds?:yes

Did you keep their first lock of hair/tooth?: hair yes

Did you get a tattoo for them?:I will

XV.) EXPERIENCES

Tell me about something that happened related to the following.A time when you felt extremely proud::A heartbreaking moment::A time you look back on and regret your actions::Something your kid did that had the whole room laughing::Something they did that surprised you::Something incredibly sweet that they did::An event that made you angry::A moment you wish you had recorded::A bad holiday experience::A moment you would erase::A strange dream you had about your kid::A time you regretted buying a toy::A funny moment involving your kid and their friends::An awkward moment::Worst place you had to change a diaper::A moment involving your kid and an animal:

:XVI.) SOUNDTRACKA song that describes the labor/birth::A song that describes the kid’s relationship with dad::A song that describes your relationship with dad::Song you’d dedicate to your kid::Last song you listened to with your kid::Kid’s current favorite song::Song you sang to them at bedtime the most::Lyric that they always get wrong::A song by an artist with the same first name as your child::Song that has your kids name in the lyrics::

XVII.) OPINIONS

Breastfeeding in public::Not for Me

Vaccinations::Sad to see him Cry but it’s Important to get them

Teach them your religion, or let them discover their own?:Discover their own

Teenagers having babies?:ugh I’m against it

Abortion?:Pro Choice

Gay Parents::Pro

What would you do if your child told you they were gay?:fine with me

Leashes for kids::Mean

Pit bulls and kids::Pit Bulls are not Mean unless they are taught to be!

Smoking while pregnant::I don’t think so

Feeding kids fast food::ok every once in awhile

Letting toddlers watch TV::Fine,Adrian watches TV Now!

Homeschooling::seems hard but I’m not against it

Ear piercings for toddlers::No,that is so Vain

XVIII.) COUNTDOWN

10 Places You’d Like To Take Your Kids Someday

1::Canada

2::Disney World

3::Grand Canyon

4::Universal Studios

5::Japan

6::Puyallup Fair

7::Bellingham

8::Kansas

9::California

10::Disney Land

9 Favorite Things To Do Together1::2::3::4::5::6::7::8::9::8 Things You’ve Learned Since Becoming A Mom1::2::3::4::5::6::7::8::7 Favorite Memories1::2;:3::4::5::6::7::

6 People Who Have Helped You Out The Most

1::Michael

2::Mom

3::My Nieces Cheryl,Carol and Hailey

4::Michael’s Mom

5::Michael’s Dad

6::My BFF

5 Quotes From Your Child1::2::3::4::5::

4 Things You Want To Say To Your Child

1::I love you very much

2::you are the cutest baby ever

3::I will never abandon you

4::we will always be there for you

3 Bad Habits Your Child Has1::2::3::2 Good Pieces of Advice for Other Parents1::2::

1 Favorite Physical Feature of Your Kid 1::his smile

OPTIONAL: a picture of your child::

#Mom survey #personal

[illfigureitoutasigoalong]

my flea dream lol

My weird dream

I had a “flea” dream last night lol. Once my sister had a dream that she was a flea and killed mufasa?? And woke up and was terrified but like the content of the dream was not scary. I had one last night which right now is a little scary. OMG so it wasn’t a nightmare because it was scary, but it was intense and my heart was beating fast when I woke up. So it started out really weird and the direct result of me watching too many episodes of breaking polygamy. I was on a date with an FLDS looking woman in a restaurant that looked gross and I would never go there in real life. What’s weird is that I’ve had dreams in this restaurant before? Anyway I was wearing an amazing cute outfit with a blazer at this date and my weird amish looking date looked…. Amish. And the waiter took her order and then looked to me and goes “are you a man or a boy?” And I was immediately offended hahaha I was just like “what??” And the waiter was like “suit jackets are for men.” I immediately left the restaurant and there was no other sight of my weird date. I got in my car (which was my old gold Honda RIP) and who is inside??? MY EX GIRLFRIEND. That’s when this turned into a nightmare tbh. My least favorite version of her was her when we were in the car and she was driving. In my dream though we were not dating we were just friends after dating. But she was acting weird and possessive and stuff like we were still together. She drove us around being literally the most annoying version of herself. She spilled coffee, got us lost, was extra Vegan, and just generally very annoying. She like had this “I know I’m right attitude” that I used to hate or more like “I don’t care if I’m wrong” attitude. Terrible. As we were driving to my dream house I just got more and more miserable.

THEN the number one reason we broke up, she invited herself to a family party that was being thrown at my house. (Also weird thing about my house in this dream is that it was in the field that used to be there before they built a Walmart on winterpok rd. Also all the women in my family were lined up with red Pizza Hut uniforms and name tags and everyone had a fluffy twist out like they had blowdried their hair??? (Probably another side effect of me watching too much breaking polygamy lmao because they all wear their hair the same on there. I remember members of my family there but also members from the country church we used to go to like 15 years ago. Honestly who even knows why they were also there. I was immediately excited to see all of them and forgot to be annoyed at S. I remember singing “10-20-40” to them as I walked by. Literally so weird.)

SO. As we were driving S had stopped at Pizza Hut which was on the corner in the dream and my dream solution was to run home before she could find me, and get into my weird house before she saw me so that one of my family members would intercept her. It semi worked? I snuck into the basement locker room of my house to (take a shower I guess) and I hear her coming in the alternate entrance. (Random memory about this dream, she was dressed like jojo siwa. Which is odd but its also totally how she would have dressed in like, high school. Literally why did I date this woman) And I see her legs under like a weird stall door that leads to the basement locker room and we start having a screaming match about her even being in my house which is when I woke up with my heart beating fast. I’m trying to even remember what I said but I remember a few parts?

S: “I can’t believe you didn’t wait for me!” (I guess to come into my house? What’s weird about this argument is that I felt the same guilty sense of dread that I used to feel when I didn’t feel like hanging out with her. Cool. Love that for me)

Me: “I had a very not good day, which I know isn’t an excuse.” So eloquent of me. Brilliant grammar. I was referring to being called a man on my weird date, for some reason in my dream this really distressed me.

S: “That’s not an excuse!” (She had cut me off as I was saying the last part)

Me: “I JUST said it’s not an excuse and I’m fucking trying to apologize and you won’t let me!”

And that’s when I woke up. I wish I had stayed asleep longer because I was about to yell at her for 1. We aren’t dating anymore and she was no longer entitled to my time and 2. That she was always inviting herself into places that she just didn’t belong or didn’t fit. This would have gotten ugly so you know it’s probably for the best but still. lol.

So what do I do? I get up and read her reddit posts to make sure she’s still completely unrelateable and surprise surprise she is. So I am making it a vow to stop doing that because all it really does is just make me even more flabbergasted about why I even dated her for so long or even dated her at all. I know deep down that my reasoning was “eh, why not? I need girlfriend experience.” Instead of “wow I am actually interested in this person.” So yep. Never doing that again. And I know it’s terrible but I really want to date someone in my race next time. It’s just easier.

Also I have been thinking about downloading a dating app but I only want friends. I don’t feel like dating anyone right now and also I feel like in order to have a good time in a relationship I need to lose like 150 pounds. Anyway I typed this on my work laptop and I hope if someone reads this later they get a big kick out of it. Hahahah

Also! I text MB all day every day because I think we are both lonely. Yesterday on FT she said “I wish you were a man then we could date.” This really freaked me out. At first (like months ago) my brain was like “oh shit are we about to get a crush” but thank GOD I only feel friendship feelings for her. She’s just really young and very white and sometimes those things are glaringly obvious. It just freaked me out because it made me think like “oh should we be dating???” but the ultimate answer is no. not to mention a week or so ago we had a discussion where she thought i was always mad at her for being racist. But i have to call her out sometimes on the ignorant shit she says. Like ordinarily i would just let people get away with it but if we are gonna be as close of friends as we already are then you gotta know when you mess up. Sorry. But you do.

I was able to get a nintendo switch!! I am having a great time. I just wish my sister was able to get one too. I feel like I can’t be properly excited because she’s really bummed about not being able to get one. I am checking the site over and over again to see if I can get one for her. Also she’s bummed about her job role transitioning for the lend position. I would also be very upset but at the same time she should be just a little grateful for still having a job at this point. I would never say that though. And also i’m not in her shoes so I can’t really judge. I would be PISSED if I climbed my way up the ladder just to be stuck doing what I view as “non-degree work.”

This is terrible but finally the tables have turned in my favor? Hear me out ok. For years I’ve struggled with my health and my job. I was diagnosed with diabetes and high BP when I was 19. I graduated without a job, and worked 5 shitty and semi-shitty jobs for the past 5 years. Finally I have a job that I love (hopefully that lasts) that pays me decently, and I can afford my meds on my new insurance, I stay hydrated which makes me feel better and I’ve gotten really used to listening to my body. I also have accepted my health problems and I am really good at keeping a level head about things. Now though, all of the stuff I already went through and I am dealing with accordingly are happening to my sister and she is miserable. She had a shitty job change (it’s only temporary, but she is WALLOWING in it.) and was diagnosed with asthma. The inhaler gives her heart palpitations and she completely freaks out over them. I’m really not trying to be rude but at least you know they are a side effect and her heart isn’t just going crazy for no reason. But she has been in a terrible mood for weeks and every time she takes her inhaler she has like, an episode. First of all, my mom would have never let me get away with this behavior for so long because I’ve always been kind of sullen and panicky. But also I think sometimes my sister just really needs to grow up. Shitty things happen to everyone and you kind of just have to keep going forward.

AND speaking of growing up, we are trying to look at apartments in the same complex because I feel like honestly she will forget about me if we don’t live within walking distance of each other. I don’t know how much she gets paid but it can’t be much more than me. She’s looking at places with one bedroom that are like $1,500 a month.... like that’s the base rent price. She’s not even counting the security deposit and utilities. I tried to explain it to her and she’s like “I’m pretty sure all apartments cost this much around here.” I’m so sorry but no. They don’t. I’m not paying almost 2 grand a month to live where we do. That’s crazy to me. I found a place I like but she doesn’t seem to like it. I may just have to move there and just be sad for a while when she forgets to hang out with me.

Last thing I guess (since I should be working) I want to write a lesbian romance novel! I am in a bit of a book slump so why not write one of my own. Wouldn’t that be amazing if it could be published??? I have no idea how to write a book so honestly it’s a pipe dream but I was really good at writing fanfiction! It’s gotta be similar right?

#this was a lot longer than I planned it to be

[insession-io]

Where to Find Romance in Marriage

It took my mother’s short-term amnesia to make me realize what long-term love is all about.

I feared that my childhood had ruined me for romance.

My mother raised me alone, just the two of us, in five states and nine different houses. Sometimes we were broke, but we always had fun. She made every day beautiful. We ate pancakes for dinner, grew watermelon in the garden, picked raspberries.

I had always imagined myself married, but how could marriage ever compare to the enchantment of my childhood?

We had dogs, cats, ferrets. Wild animals showed up like messengers from fairy tales: a black snake by the river, dragonflies skimming the pond. When we lived in Florida, a baby manatee once brushed our bodies in the bay. When we lived in Maryland, my mother took care of injured birds of prey, one-eyed owls and hawks with broken wings.

We were always telling stories. Remember when? And then you said! And then I said! We laughed all the time.

When I was 27 and living in Vermont, I fell in love with Jeff, a fly fisherman and hunter who also crooned show tunes, read The New Yorker and wore an apron to bake scones.

But I was scared of being married. In fact, I backed out of our big Cape Cod wedding a month before the date. We eventually got married in the living room of our apartment at midnight during a New Year’s Eve party. “By the way,” we announced at 11:45, “we’re getting married in 15 minutes.”

My mother wasn’t at the wedding, only a handful of friends and a few strangers. I called her the next morning to tell her.

“You’re pregnant!” she said, gleefully.

Nope. Just too cowardly to declare our commitment in front of friends and family. But she didn’t care how I got married; she was happy I had gone through with it at all.

My mother lost her memory three years later on Dec. 23, when Jeff and I were home on Cape Cod for a Christmas visit. Bing Crosby, Ella Fitzgerald and Nat King Cole were singing carols; the house smelled of sugar. When Jeff and I walked on the icy beach, there were Christmas lights reflecting in the water.

Later, my mother went upstairs with a bad headache. When we checked on her, she was disoriented, blinking like someone woken from a long sleep. She couldn’t remember that it was Christmas. She couldn’t remember that it was winter.

We know our parents will grow old, but this wasn’t a slow fumbling toward frailty. It was like something had snapped. We led her out to the car and drove her to the hospital.

When I was finally allowed into the intensive care unit, my stepfather, Tom, was standing by her bed, looking scared.

“Oh, hi,” my mother said when she saw me. She looked around the room. “Where am I? What happened?”

My stepfather and I exchanged looks.

“You’re in the hospital,” he said. “You got a terrible headache.”

“My head does hurt.” She touched her temple.

“Then you lost your memory.”

“I was walking around and — poof! — my memory was gone?”

“You’re not having a stroke,” Tom said. “They ruled that out.”

“At least my memory’s back,” she said. She glanced down at her hands on the white sheets. “So, what happened?” she said, looking up. “Where am I?”

“Your turn,” my stepfather said to me.

“This is the hospital, Mom. I guess you lost your memory.”

“Really? I was walking around and — poof! — my memory was gone?”

“It started with a headache —— ”

“My head does hurt.” She touched her temple. “I’m just glad my memory’s back.” She looked around the room, at the metal bed, the beeping machines. “So what happened?” she said. “Where am I?”

I felt a terrible wave crashing on us. For several hours we took turns answering her loop of questions. When we told my mother that we were home for Christmas, she said, “But I didn’t buy any presents! I never made cookies.”

“You did,” we told her. “Don’t worry about that.”

We had that conversation maybe 30 times.

CT scan. Spinal tap. She peed in a cup and then forgot she had peed in a cup and eyed the container suspiciously. Her headache went away. She perked up, made a joke, laughed, then a minute later made the same joke. And again. And again.

She remembered everything about the distant past. My childhood, her childhood. Those old memories weren’t in danger. But she had no short-term memory. I felt the ache of this new reality. I was planning to have babies soon, and she wouldn’t remember meeting them, no matter how many visits we made. I wanted to sell a book, but even if I achieved that dream, she would never know me as a writer. I would be 33 forever, and she 62. We were frozen in time.

My beautiful mother, the keeper of my childhood memories, would not — it seemed clear — be able to keep any memories of my adulthood.

“So where am I?” she said. “What happened?”

“It started with a headache,” Jeff said, taking over when my stepfather and I were too tired. “And then you lost your memory.”

“That’s not how I remember it,” she said. “I remember a hospital, but it was a different hospital. And I remember people, but they were different people. The whole place was full of light. And we were all working so hard! It was a herculean effort.”

I stood near my new husband. I held his hand.

I finally cornered the doctor, who told me they believed she was experiencing transient global amnesia, a sudden memory loss that occurs in 5 in 100,000 people. It lasted about 12 hours and rarely recurred. There were no side effects.

“You couldn’t have told me this three hours ago?” The adrenaline of relief gripped my muscles.

My mother moved into a private room. My stepfather stayed the night. Jeff and I went back to the house, where we got undressed and slid under the blankets.

From the bed we could see the frozen pond through the window. There were geese on the ice. I felt how securely the image of the pond was lodged already in my memory. It was as lovely and lonely a thing as I had ever seen.

“You know what?” I reached under the pillow and took Jeff’s hand. We looked at each other, wide-awake, although it was 2 a.m. “I feel like this could explain alien abductions.”

Jeff shook his head. “I might need a little more,” he said.

“Think about it. The missing time. The weird warped memory of being in another hospital with other people.”

“I think you need sleep,” he said.

“I think I’ve just solved a really unsettling mystery.”

In the morning, my mother’s memory returned. She didn’t recall the night in the hospital, but she remembered where she had hidden the Christmas gifts. We found the cookies she had baked. On Christmas morning we ate cinnamon rolls for breakfast, just as she and I had every Christmas for as long as I could remember.

I thought romance would be like a fairy tale. I thought it would be like my childhood. A beautiful adventure. Wild creatures stalking through lonely forests. Raspberries plucked from the vine. The actual motifs of my married life (which now includes a 100-year-old house and three children) are plastic dinosaurs, public pools, soccer games, flat tires, lost jobs, hospital beds.

Sometimes marriage is downright unpleasant. There have been times Jeff and I stopped talking to each other. There have been times we wondered if we wanted to be married at all. Some may call marriage a herculean task. I’m not that good at it. I can be distant. I can be exacting. I demand a kind of focused attention and then feel smothered by it. But maybe that’s not surprising. I grew up with a single mother, and our intimacy was effortless and magical.

So marriage isn’t the romantic thing I once imagined. But what other word is there for the ineffable force that keeps you coming back, coming home, night after night, returning to family and love? What else captures that sense of collaborating to create magic and adventure for your children, the way my mother did for me?

The night my mother lost her memory was a turning point for me. It was the night I realized Jeff and I would be the keeper of future memories.

And we are. When our babies are big, when they have moved out, when our parents are gone, we will tell the stories. The camping trip, the escaped chicken, the canceled flight, the flooded basement, the fights, disappointments and glee. We collect those things now so we can recollect them later. We’re pulling memories like shells out of the sea. We’re filling our pockets.

We’re collecting a life together. If that’s not romantic, I don’t know what is.

By Miciah Bay Gault Image by Brian Rea

Kathryn McNeer, LPC specializes in Couples Counseling Dallas with her sound, practical and sincere advice. Kathryn's areas of focus include individual counseling, relationship and couples counseling Dallas. Kathryn has helped countless individuals find their way through life's inevitable transitions; especially that tricky patch of life known as "the mid life crisis." Kathryn's solution-focused, no- nonsense counseling works wonders for men and women in the midst of feeling, "stuck," or "unhappy." Kathryn believes her fresh perspective allows her clients find the better days that are ahead. When working with couples, it is Kathryn's direct yet non-judgmental approach that helps determine which patterns are holding them back and then helps them establish new, more productive patterns. Kathryn draws from Gottman and Cognitive behavioral therapy- when appropriate Kathryn works with couples on trust, intimacy, forgiveness, and communication.