#we all know goliath is probably leaving. we dont know when anymore but all i want. is One more ride. At Least | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sweetdreamsdude · 5 years

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There’s some things about me; somethings I don’t like to talk about; so let’s talk about them

My expectations of people fluctuate more than the waves of the sea. I expect nothing from anyone but at the same time I’m frustrated if you aren’t trying to give people as much as I give. I’ll raise you as high as I can, just to have you crash me down & when im falling ill still hold you gently but I can’t promise we aren’t going to tumble.

My physical appearance; I’m always changing because I never feel like me. The extra weight I wish I didn’t have to the point that I felt like vomiting the food I didn’t eat; the weird moles that I swear I didn’t have when I fell asleep but they crept up on me like the iceberg on the titanic. I feel like a stranger in my own skin, trying to rip it off always tugging wondering when I’ll be comfortable, but it never comes, I never ease. I’m always squirming.

, my parents always said that my “niceness” will get me killed one day, but if that’s my biggest worry then I think I’ll be just fine. I’d rather be shot by doing some good, than to pay someone to shoot so that they can “keep me safe”. I want to love and change the world, not hate and watch it burn because of my own selfish tendencies . If you punching me in the face is going to cure your disease then baby go ahead and swing because I’m not here to bring you bad vibes I’m only here to try and make you feel better & after you’ve swung and you’ve done your damage if you can’t look at me in the eyes anymore, if you can’t handle what’s happened and you need to run, sprint as far as you can, just feel like you need to get away then go. I’m not going to stop you. I’ll reach out for you and I’ll be ready to comfort you but if you don’t look back that’s okay. If you don’t need my touch, that’s okay. If you don’t need to hear me say your name, or tell you how much I care about you that’s okay. Because just like the breeze of the sea, the warmth of the sun, and the stars in the sky I’m there for you. I’ll be here, for you even if you all you need to do is swing again.

Did you know that i can’t fall asleep in a quiet room? I’m scared my thoughts will force themselves in a reality and I’ll be standing stranded waiting for the good in the world, the good that I know I can help with, the good that is meant to go around, the good.. the good that’s just never going to come. The good that I know lives in my heart and plenty of others hearts but no one sees the good anymore they only talk about the bad, its bad to talk about good and good to talk about the bad and only push the bad because the bad gets you ratings, the bad makes you known, the bad gets you out there, the bad makes you money. The bad is what people want to hear about. My mind scared me, My own thoughts haunt me, my own body attacks itself ...pathetic enough? Not yet.

My anxiety drives me day in and day out, to the point of no return, it wakes me up with a loud pounding on my door, but my door is my chest and it’s my heart trying to escape but doesn’t it know? Doesn’t it know that it can’t survive on the other side? It’s not meant to survive on the other side but still it wants out. It wants to get away from the pain it wants to relieve itself from the anguish, it wants to be free. It wants to experience the other side because it thinks it would be better, it thinks it would be off better on the other side, inside of on the in, being supported by all those organs around it, having the blood pump through it but it doesn’t matter what’s around it it wants out it’s pounds to get out it needs out.... But who knows, that part could just be me.

Depression.

, put me on your pedestal, give me all the compliments you want my smile will light the world but only for a moment. Liars, is all I’m thinking. They’re going to leave you stupid. They’re using you they’re playing you, they’re planning against you. You’ll look away and the bombs will drop, the earth will quake, the seas will dry and my world will free fall but there’s nothing you did and nothing you could do to stop it. You see It’s my own hell destined to be relived day in and out. It’s the way my mind works after all the years of hurt and pain and being just too damn nice to the wrong people. It affected me more than I even knew. You’ll see it in my eyes,e begging for your help but I’ll just smile back into yours and I’ll say “nah, I’m just tired” we both know that’s a load of shit, but do you really care? Probably, but not enough to dig into me, he’ll be okay, you’ll say which is really okay. I don’t want you to anyways.

Alone.

Fuck I love being alone and I hate it, like a soda when we complain about the burn or how it makes us burp right after we take a sip.. only to just go ahead and drink some more. Alone, it makes me more creative but only in the ways to end it. I find myself thinking about it more and more but always saying “yeah but that’s stupid” and so stupid it is, but what if I’m meant to be stupid? What if stupid really is as stupid does and I’m not saying I want to die , I’m saying I want the feeling to go away. I want to be around people that care, although we know those dont exist, now do we know? Because in this world sometimes our own parents use us for their own selfish greed and don’t try to tell me that that’s not true because I’ve come home to more taken money than I can count & ive gone on more beer runs for my drunk parents while I was doing homework because they looked at what I was doing and said “we need more beer your studying can wait, we need this now” and I know they love me, I do. But I also know sometimes they simply don’t care in the moment, which is okay. I’ll be stronger but I’ll be stronger alone.

But if I died tomorrow would you say, I saw this but I thought he was fine, he didn’t need help, I can’t believe he’s gone I can’t believe my best friend is gone I can’t believe this guy I loved is gone I can’t believe this great guy that I never talked to is gone, I can’t believe this super funny guy that only wanted to help people is gone, I can’t believe this angel is gone I can’t believe he’s gone I was just going to message him the other day I can’t believe he’s gone I can’t believe I can’t believe I can’t believe I can’t believe... believe it. And I swear to god who I don’t know is real or not that if you aren’t one of five people that can actually say that you loved me I swear I will haunt your life in horrible ways I will lead the love of your life towards you and rip them away from your grasp just so you can truly say you lost someone you loved. I’ll make you eat your words. Just like I’ve eaten mine. no one really cares. Because well let’s be honest no ones really reading this here.. now are you?

That’s why I can tell you that I hurt myself so bad that I passed out, just to have my sister find me in tears and wake me up by punching me in the face calling me stupid but telling me to not leave her alone that I can’t leave her alone.

That’s why I can tell you that I starved myself to the point that I collapsed during a game, but blamed it on the lack of water i drank that day and fooled all of you.

That’s why I can tell you that my heart aches so badly that I can’t sleep unless the sweet whispers of some random show in the background are going on as if someone is talking to me, whispering they love me sometimes my mind even convinces me it’s you , even though it’s usually just Rachel complaining Ross.

That’s why I can tell you that I refuse to get help because I’m fighting this demon on my own and I’m going to fight this demon on my own because I am me and it is it and I’m stronger and I know I’m stronger and I know I can beat it and I know it’s stupid and I know I’m stupid and I know, I know, I know. I have heard it all before, that demon has got nothing on me, that demon is a tiny little wimp, I’m stronger than the demon, that demon can try all he wants and he’ll never take me down and I know I’m bigger than the demon and I know I am more than the demon and I have been told that I should know I can over come it...

But even Goliath lost to David.. didn’t he?

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