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#watch as the nonbinary shapeshifting Tesseract and ace genderfluid shapeshifting Loki slowly drive Tony insane
worstloki
·
4 years
Conversation
Loki: I have to go feed my Tesseract
Thor: ...you don’t have the Tesseract
Loki: They moved in last week. Here’s a picture
Thor: Loki, that’s... that’s a human person.
Loki, nodding solemnly: my Tesseract
#okay so that joke about having a cat but its actually chat noir or black panther except its loki and the tesseract
#because I'm still all for the Tesseract as a person idea and the Tesseract is a they who changes whenever they feel like it
#watch Tony visit Loki to see what he's up to and then bump into this 6''10' lanky guy who has eyes that occasionally glow
#oh and the skin can switch between tesseract blue or human skin (the tone changes on any given day) so loki aint the only blue one around
#watch Tony visit Loki another day and bump into a 5'4'' lady who also has blue glowy skin or eyes
#watch Tony visit again and bump into a 5'7'' maybe-a-gal-maybe-a-guy-? who also has their eyes glow when they smile
#watch as Tony slowly gets convinced that Loki is either (a) hiding a bunch of these aliens for an invasion (b) has a blue-person kink
#in fact watch as Loki leaves the room upon finding out the movie he was invited to watch is about blue people (avatar)
#he spends half an hour in the bathroom sobbing and with every passing minute Tony is just more convinced he's right
#watch as Tony convinces himself that Loki is hooking up with a different blue alien person every day and just to make sure he asks Thor
#Thor can confirm Loki and the blue person sleep in the same room and that Loki only has 1 bed so Tony draws the 'logical conclusion'
#and no Tony isn't jealous but watch as he fruitlessly tries convincing the Tesseract to sleep with him too without knowing theyre one person
#since the Tesseract and Loki are friends and interact the most with each other Tony assumes 'Tessie' and 'Tess' are alien sweet talk
#The Tesseract is recounting Tony's attempts at flirting to Loki and they go to sleep happy
#''dont you want to be ... my Tessie?'' ''May I beg your pardon?'' ''I can be your Tess if you'll be my Tessie ;)'' ''goodbye''
#watch as the nonbinary shapeshifting Tesseract and ace genderfluid shapeshifting Loki slowly drive Tony insane
#loki x tesseract where the tesseract is totally a night light
#isnt it a shame that the closest canon thing loki has to a friend is the tesseract of all things?? WRONG!! this is an opportunity
#the comedic potential of assumed heterosexuality WILL be squandered by me
#watch as the Tesseract learns to exist without someone commanding them to teleport/shapeshift and Loki learns to exist because he wants to
#watch as the both of them learn to exist as individuals for themselves
#while convincing EVERYONE in the vicinity that Loki is sleeping with enough blue glowy aliens to invade the planet
#Ace Loki
#asexual loki
#LokiIsAceAU
#OH
#I also want to say that this same scenario can work if Loki is pansexual / something else and I'm not trying to erase any existing sexuality
#as a headcanon you could totally interpret it any way you want and the fact that I'm personally hcing Loki as ace
#I really hope I'm not offending anyone with this
#if anyone is offended I'd be happy to write up a few specific headcanons for other sexualities too?
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