#was too late for me to contact her

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

This election day, I'm thinking of my Nana.

I'm thinking of how as a young woman, she fled political violence in her native Colombia to build a new home in a more stable country. I'm thinking about how she lived a long life, but not long enough to see her home country elect its first ever progressive president (just a few months ago!).

Coincidentally, I was living in Colombia at that time (in the very city she grew up in), and I was able to witness what felt like a miracle. A very conservative country, suffering from the violent inheritance of colonization and catholic invasion and the war on drugs, against a backdrop of the dangerous global rise of the far right--this unlikely country managed to elect one of the most progressive heads of state in the world, in 2022. That's a pretty big deal.

And I'm thinking about this, this election day, because that election was won by a very thin margin. I'm thinking about how it almost didn't happen. I'm thinking about how it was only possible thanks to the highest voter turnout in 20 year. And I am thinking about the countless number of voters who chose to vote for the first time. I am thinking of the poorest and most disenfranchised citizens who showed up at the polls. I am thinking of the indigenous women who rode 12 hours on public buses to vote at the 'nearest' polling stations. I am thinking of all the money and corruption that went into preventing minority citizens from voting, and I'm thinking about how they showed up in the millions and voted anyway.

I am thinking that I would like to see a miracle like that in my own home country.

So if you're on the fence about waiting in line today to cast your vote, I hope that you will think--about the country you want to live in, the future you hope will unfold, and about all of the people it takes to make a miracle.

Because history may deem us nameless and faceless, but when we show up en masse, we are the ones who make history happen.

And yes, maybe also spare a thought for my Nana. Who was in fact a very angry and judgemental woman who supported the republican party for 50+ years, and who would be turning in her grave right now (if the family hadn't had her cremated). Think about the mean angry ghost of my Colombian grandmother, who very much wants you to not show up at the polls to support abortion and other sinful progressive values. Think about her. Do it for her. Do it for Nana.

#Do it! for her #not a shitpost #serious post #politics #ask to tag #I love you Nana but i disagree SO vehemently with almost all of your personal political and religious values #also you should have treated my mom SO MUCH BETTER when she was a kid. all of your kids really #i see you very much as a victim of religious trauma & childhood poverty #followed by the cultural isolation of being a first generation immigrant with no local hispanic community to provide support #plus the failure of late 20th century mental health care almost certainly compounded by medical sexism #recognize sympathize and am indignant on your behalf for all of those reasons and more #but that truth can also coexist alongside the truth that #hot DAMN Nana you and Papa very much failed to provide your children with an emotionally safe and stable environment in which to grow #and me and my sibs are still dealing with the generational trauma #and who knows how many of my cousins. I HAVE TWENTY-ONE COUSINS AND I DON'T TALK TO ANY OF THEM #that is too many cousins to not be in contact with any of them #(and fyi that's on *one* side of the family. on the other side are a dozen half-aunts-and-cousins I've never met #because Other Grandpa was a Certified Piece of Shit) #Anyway. ANYWAY... #apparently i really needed to overshare today. know what? no judgement. judgement free zone #i have no judgement thoughts or opinions i am finally FREE #........gosh that sounds so relaxing #ANYway #yeah. break the cycle of abuse or your descendants will grow up and critique your parenting choices on third-tier social media platforms #when people say 'they will always be remembered' at a funeral--that is a THREAT #what they actually mean is 'OH HONEYBUN YOU DONE FUCKED UP' #.........i want that in my eulogy actually

[coquelicoq]

real-life adulting, man. i'm still my ex's emergency contact 6.5 years after we broke up and he just gave me his new girlfriend's phone number so that i can contact her if something happens to him. this is in lieu of making her his emergency contact, which may seem like it would make more sense, except that he hasn't told his parents about her. so i get to be the emergency contact who then would contact both the girlfriend and the parents. this all makes total sense to me despite the fact that i don't even live in his city. it's whatever! we've known each other a long time!!

#he could make her his emergency contact and give her my number and i could then call his parents #but he's only known her for two months so honestly this makes more sense to me despite the fact that if there were an emergency #the only one who could go to where he was at all quickly would be the new girlfriend #(his parents live on the other side of the country and i live several hours away) #also i have met his girlfriend. this would probably be weird if i hadn't met her but i have so it seems fine #also i'm a child of divorce so the whole 'not telling some people about other people' thing is completely normal to me #i've already got it planned out. i would call her and she would go to the hospital or whatever right away. i'd call the parents #and by the time they could get there i would already be there. then i could run interference in person #and i would do this for him happily because i 100% understand why he hasn't told his parents about her #it's too late for me. they already know me. and they know i'm not with him anymore. so i can take it #if they stay together at some point he will have to tell them about her and i assume at that point he'll switch the emergency contact #but it's still early so this makes total sense in the meantime

[ardate]

sniffs. man. i really want this job :(

#misc #TLDR: #a recruiter calls me coupla weeks ago; says she wants me on their production - and in that same exact call ends up saying #“oh actually i'm not sure you fit. this might not happen” cuz she actually read my resume this time.... while on call with me? #how about you take a proper gander at my resume before calling me to offer me a job and then change your mind.... #ended the call saying “contact me again on January 8th if you're still interested and i'll see if i can squeeze you in as a junior” #(which. okay. first off why would you have to “squeeze me in” when you actively called me for the job. #Also i'm not a junior. but sure we'll see what the pay is like) #so i contacted her on the 8th and she was like haha actually i doubt we'll have any spots left for you! smiling emoji #and just earlier rn she sent me a new DM asking if i have an updated portfolio since the one they have is from 3yrs ago #so she revived a little bit of hope i know i shouldnt have cuz i HIGHLY doubt they'll hire me for this prod given how things have been goin #its late now i doubt ill get any news one way or another before sometime next week (hopefully) #ugh...... i really want this job man. #i've had too many feature film opportunities slide from my grasp. please let me have this #having this one experience will make it easier to get hired for more. i'm fucking begging on my knees

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

The moment when you, an aroace, have a crisis over your own OC

#knox ramble #SHE'S TOO PRETTY?????????? HELP???? I CANT LOOK AT THE SKETCH #PRETTY WOMAN I CANT MAKE EYE CONTACT #?????????????????? #WHAT IS THIS I DEMAND COMPENSATION FOR THIS #SHE'S LITERIALLY ONE OF THE ANTAGONISTS FOR MY MONKIE KID OC HOW DID THIS HAPPENBFFHHFHDHSHDHDGF #I WANT TO DRAW HER MORE BUT I KEEP GETTING???? FLUSTERED????? IS THAT WHAT THIS IS????? #this is fine give me two days and the crisis will pass #WOWEE #if y'all are wondering what ive been doing lately ive pretty much just been working on this monkey oc who this uh real pretty lady is an #antagonist for #only thing is i forgot to insert him into the main storyline of lmk and now hed basically his own thing helpfjgdhdhf SAVE ME FOLKS #okay anyway im gonna eat poutine and read a comic until my crisis goes away hope y'all's evening is going well o7

[beautifel]

i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am

#ask 2 tag idk what to tag this but its negative. idk if i’m hormonal or whatever. it’s just that i’m so extremely emotional lately #like i always havebeen but it’s insane lately and i know some of the reasons but i have no idea what to do abt it. which is bad #i wish i knew how to confront …it all. im so avoidant it is genuinely pathetic #and even if i wanted to confront anything iwouldnt know how… n how to tell ppl around me #the pains ive taken to ignore my issues over the yrs n by that i mean suppress the knowledge that they even exist Lmao it is so pathetic #let alone the pains ive taken to hide from other ppl that which im suppressing. and to hide how badly i cope with anything #like any problem at all not just things that have anything to do with The Thing #i finally told my girlfriend about something i never thought id ever say out loud to anyone n it was so hard #the whole convo was so hard bc shes dealing with so much too and shes been getting help for 3 yrs n i know #with her baggage of trauma a relationship is one of the hardest things #n ive never ever regretted our relationship but with the things we are both dealing wtih. or rather not dealing with in my case #it is so . hard.. and i feel like ive been so unfair bc i havent been getting help even tho i need it. and she has. #the sheer irony of me refusing to get help or even admit 2 myself i need it even tho im literally about to be the person who helps others #this cannot go on lmao. the only thing im sure about is that i wanna spend my life with her but with everything tht we have on our plate #its so.. unsure i feel so powerless . i cannot change the past i cant change either of our previous experiences #its so unfair how we risk losing the best thing that ever happened bc of things out of our control #ive genuinely never been more scared of anything than i am of the idea of losing this relationship #we had such a deep conversation today and it was necessary and good but god we’re fucked up people #so i .contacted the uni psych today finally but im so fucking scared and idk what to even say when i get there #ive never until today said it out loud ive never even written it down anywhere

[problemcore]

honestly, the barbie movie came out exactly when i needed it most.

for a while now I've felt really sad and ugly and hollow. and this movie comes out and i feel . loved and wanted. and heard. and understood.

and i can look at my own reflection and admire my face without feeling repulsed. and i love my cheeks and my wrinkles and my acne. and it all takes time and effort but im willing to do it to love myself more .

#im quitting my department soon and moving to a different one #where im loved and appreciated and thanked to. and where i feel safe . #im gonna start going to the gym soon . try to improve my diet . #slowly gather up the courage to. finally. see a therapist about all this lmao. #animal crossing sigh. ive been really exhausted lately. #im gonna take a break tomorrow #god. sidenote. #ive been feeling kind of awful about my eyes lately. how they look #i looked into buying brown contacts becuz i couldnt stand how they looked #and i look at margot robbie. and gosh she is so so so beautiful. #and her eyes are big and bright . like mine #and idk it made me feel good about myself #ok this post is too long. see ya guys #OK ONE LAST THING. GOT A DND SESH TODAY :3 VERY HAPPY I MISSED MY GROUP. we barely got anything done last session 😭😭😭 glad we're back lol #chris noises #misc

[skrunksthatwunk]

just found out rascal (babycat)'s been with his owner this whole time instead of my roommate which is. something. :|

#if you dont know whats happening basically mr and my roommate (dorms) have been raising an abused kitten belonging to our floormates #we had him for a month and a half i think and then a month of break has gone by with my roomie staying on campus and me going back home #to my prey-driven dogs and snake and cat-allergic mother among other things. hence the inability to really take him in easily. #i mean shit. if she decided to actually take care of him instead of making everyone around her into free childcare then that's a good thing #*petcare #and admittedly both me and my roommate should've been more in contact about him whether this was going on or not #we both have really bad object permanence + flow of time issues though so it kinda... didnt happen #i thought about him a lot though. i planned on coming back early to spend a few days just chilling with him before the semester started #but other stuff got in the way and i had the 'its too late so dont ask at all' guilt #idk. it seems like hes alive but i don't know much more than that rn. it makes me nervous yk #but i never thought she'd just. still have him. i never expect what she does with him tbh #i almost feel better about getting stuck and not figuring out visiting or shared custody (in my house that is Not Ideal For Him) knowing it #wasn't even really attainable but. shit. #i want her to treat him like he deserves and if she's doing that i have no right to complain. he's not my cat. he's not. #but it means she'll probably just leave with him someday. no thanks or payment or future contact. idk i just. thought this would end sooner #in taking him to a shelter or a new home or us taking him in or her putting her foot down. but instead it's like im drowning in gelatin #what am i even doing. i love him. so much. and i want a cat so so bad. i want *him* so bad. #but i didn't rescue him and i didnt even try and. god idk. i love him and i still couldn't get my ass up to visit in a whole month #i want to say it's because i was stuck and it's not untrue. but i just. idk. i still feel like i shoulda pushed through or whatever anyway. #it makes me feel like im just as bad as his owner when i know im not. im not. #he's probably a lot bigger now. assuming she's actually feeding him. god. i really thought he'd be with my roommate #for reasons im not even gonna bother getting into. and i was reassured that my roomie would tell me if something was up with him. and she #didnt. and im not mad at her it's not her fault i didn't reach out when i wanted to know. but i feel just. ough. stupid ass situation i got #myself into. stupid sad ass consequences of being nosy and big hearted and wanting to help in stupid ways #at least her dogs didnt eat him. i was worried about that. i don't think i could take it if she got him killed and i didn't push harder to #help him. but i can't just fucking. kidnap him. he's not mine and we're neighbors and i can't even keep him at my home. not really. #god i miss him so much. i hope i didn't hurt him by leaving. fucking hell. #but he needs somebody and his owner is almost certainly not it. and maybe im not either but i want to try for him. man.

[kjell-e]

the problem of being the child of a person who was abused but also abusive is that you learned to nod along when they say shit like „oh well, I did suffer, but I could not do it differently, it was so hard but I did my best“ while inside everything screams LIKE HELL YOU DID but when you try to bring this up in a diplomatic way you parent suddenly behaves like a fucking kid, throws a tantrum and tries to gaslight you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#Mine #child abuse #i can always say my father was so much worse than my mother #But since I cut off contact with him #at least once a month I just want to scream because of her #I did not get a birthday present this year because I did not answer her message what I wanted to have in time #But then my sister told me my mother was pissed because of something else (that was imho ridiculously small) #and when I asked why her voice sounded pissed when she denied that she was angry she just snapped that I should not over interpret it #Anyway no present for me because „well that’s the way it is this year you should have told me in time what you wanted and now it’s too late #There are so many layers of wtf idk where to start

[running-in-the-dark]

I've just realised that when my mother dies, I'll be the oldest person in our family (as in, the people who are related to me who I'm in contact with/ever see at all). that's.... weird

#my sister-in-law is a few years older than me but she's also only in her thirties #and obviously not related to me #my dad's dead. my uncle's dead. my only grandma who I was close to is dead. we're not in contact with anyone else anymore. #the only other person I'd even know how to find is my cousin #that feels really weird. I'm not an adult. I'm completely clueless. I have no idea what I'm doing ever. #and still my mother only thinks about how hard it is for *her* that everyone her age has died... sorry but you don't think it might be hard #for us too? more than one person can be affected by that but sure you're the only one who is. #and her own mother died when my mother was 50! she had contact with all her extended family until then and she chose not to after that! so #she's the one who caused that but still we need to feel sorry for her. #anyway #maybe she'll live to be super old. that'd be typical... but it doesn't seem likely #idk. it's not like it'll make a difference. she's never helped me with anything so it'll be one less thing to deal with... #maybe I'll finally feel free then #or maybe it's too late for that #personal

[skitskatdacat63]

I hate when apps temporarily block your acct bcs "suspicious activity", yeah yeah I understand it's for security measures BUT PLEASE IM JUST BAD AT REMEMBERING PASSWORDS, LET ME LIVE 😭😭

#having a bit of a freak out right now 🌚 #my best friend is gonna be in china for 2 months and our only option of communication is wechat #expect i forgot to log into wechat lately so it logged me out and i cant remember my pass and it got pissy with me for requesting sms codes #so it temporarily blocked me for suspicious behavior PLEASE WECHAT I JUST AM IMPATIENT #and then it said i requested unblocking too many times i have to 'wait' #wait how fucking long wechat?????? how long????????? #and even then with requesting your acct to be unblocked the easiest way is to get a friend w a wechat acct to verify you #HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU THINK I HAVE WECHAT 😭😭😭😭 #MY ONLY FRIEND WHO HAS WECHAT IS ON HER WAY TO CHINA AS WE SPEAK WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT THAT #she has to stop in another country for like half a day so im hoping when she lands she can help me 😭 #BUT WHAT IF I STILL CSNT REQUEST BY THEN?? WHAT DO I DO THEN WECHAT???? #once she gets to china i feel like im basically fucked #but yes i understand security measures but jesus christ please irs me i swear why are you making me jump through all these hoops????? #but im gonna actually be so upset if this screws up me being able to msg her :( we talk every day :( #i think i will actually combust and die if were just no contact for that long im actually gonna die #how am i gonna survive without her sending me china pics and me harassing her with f1 updates :((( #ugh i dont know what to do :( and i feel really upset abt it #maybe whatsapp will work and we can fix my acct but who knows :( #catie.rambling.txt

[enderspawn]

had a bitb themed dream last night except i still haven’t listened to much of bitb so instead it filled in the gaps of bitb horror with my own Personalized Horrors and also timothy rand was there

#a lot of like. loss of identity? and the Replacement of ppl w something Off and made to Spread The Corruption (aka the bitb influence) #but instead of like. how bitb did it it was much more… insidious? #it was slow and kind of spread like a disease. at one point the Main Characters of the dream could SEE the corrupting influence; #it was a silvery bluish powder #and it was. everywhere. and all you could do was hope you didn’t contact it in a large enough dose #fhe fucked part was the (/my?) mom wasn’t corrupted yet and was told abt the powder #but couldn’t see it. so she just had to keep going on and hoping she was okay #but even when the scene was just her I the audience COULD see the powder and that helpless like. despair #as she nervously avoids so much as she can but inevitably invites a corrupted friend into her car #or drinks a cup of water with flecks of that light glowing blue in it and like. she doesn’t know. but it’s too late #idk man it was just Wild. I know in dream I had to take breaks occasionally bc dream me wanted to Throw Up #(it. alternated between me Consuming Fiction and just living it (presumably as I consumed it)) #there was a twizzlers scene and a car wash scene that also Fucked me up bad #and every time I had to take a break my dad took the piss out of me for it BDKSNDN #og post #personal

[dolls-self-ships]

hey guys, I've been having a hard time lately and it's really hitting me hard today, would any of y'all mind maybe dropping a comforting message in my inbox? Could be from an f/o or just you I don't mind either way, I just need to feel like I'm not alone right now ;-;

#my ocd has been flaring up so so bad lately and my medication isnt working as well as it used to #and i had to leave work like... 5 times this month abd I just feel so ashamed and guilty #and then when I got home for some reason my sister wasnt home even though she usually is bc its unlike her to go out unprompted #ohhhh wait as in typing this Im just remembering she had to go to the mall today #thats why shws not hime #anyway in my panic attack haze I thought bc my managers texts werent getting through to me even tho she said she had texted me just so i #could let her know I got home safe #shes super sweet- they werent getting through to me so like I started freaking out 'wait what if im dead and it happened on the walk home' #bc before I kept saying 'I wish I was dead' when really that just means 'I want to be ok and normal and not whatever this is' #so I thought I had manifested it somehow and thats why my managers texts werent getting through and why my sister wasbt home #idk why Im explaining all this in here I just need to vent I think ;-; #but im like.. gonna try to do some laundry maybe that'll take my mind off things #oh I called her by calling the store and everything was good so #and like.. my logic brain knows that Im not dead and that my sister is just getting her ipad fixed and Im able to contact the outside world #just fine but my anxiety brain is telling me that im just fabricating this all in my head and im actually dead irl #which is so dumb and out of nowhere ik but I think the whole 'careful what you wish for' thing is so ingrained into my head #and that isnt even what my ocd is about its an entirley different topic that I am just too scared to even talk about #reading this back and realizing all the typos I made is filling me with so much embarassment Im sorry for your eyes my hands are shaky

[mars-ipan]

oh my god fuck tiptoeing around it i hyperfixate i have hyperfixations and special interests and things i need to squeeze so much dopamine out of otherwise i die someone just fucking . aug

#at this point i’m tired of hiding it from myself lmao #yah i’m nd. most likely adhd but maybe autism who knows #neurodivergency runs in both sides of my family in multiple types so. who knows until i get a doctor to look at me #affirmations. my next wellness check is next month and i can A.) inform the doctor of my tics (forgot last year) #and B.) get contacts for a fucking psych eval bc the place my mom emailed and called never got back to her over multiple months #ANYWAYS. i’m frustrated bc my brain latched onto hl.vr.ai 2 YEARS LATE and now fan content production has slowed #plus it’s a much smaller fandom overall than dr was so it’s like. i’m soaking up all the content too fast i need more :((( #i go through content like a fucking BEAST btw. i am RAVENOUSLY hungry for that shit #like. i’ve probably watched over 24 hours of videos and read like over 500k words so far #it’s been like this for maybe a week or two #SIDENOTE: did u guys know i can’t pronounce ‘hl.vr.ai’ properly #like if you pronounced it like a word instead of an acronym #it SHOULD be ‘hilvrye.’ #but i say ‘hivelrye’. i put the l in the wrong spot #this results from me never reading the acronym too closely when it first blew up #and as a result that pronunciation is stuck in my brain #ANYWAYS help help i’m starving for silly images and videos and words help i’ll die #i’m like a kid who drinks a capri sun way too fast and then cries bc he’s out of capri sun. #where’d it go :(( i want more where is it :(((

[noxtivagus]

good morning zzz 🫶🏼 ( i hope you all have a good day btw hehe )

#🌙.rambles #not morning anymore n i woke up like nearly 2 hours ago now #out w my family c: #GODDAMN I'M LIKE RLLY SLOW ON SLEEP BUT. #BUT #i'm doing really well rn!!??!?!! #keeping contact w ppl is rlly hard for me ngl but #w one of like #sigh it feels so freeing n it really just #when i can be openly affectionate 🥹 it's just platonic w her though n #usually i'm not like. i get worried w being too affectionate actually idk why if #i fit under someone's like yk preferences even if i personally don't think anyone wld like me but STILL #but they're female n #ffxiv rlly helps me in opening up to others n #while we only rlly started talking more ever since late october we've known each other ever since late june hehe #we write a lot of like. long messages to each other #once i break down the pressure of like being too little or too much then i rlly can be so much more #sometimes tho i rlly just get anxious 🥹 nothing personal i probably get rlly shy for some reason but it's nothing bad #when i ramble.. i really ramble a lot even tho w others typically i'd be more of a listener :< #i feel a lot more free when i can like really let out like. be rlly kind n affectionate #bcs i really do mean it n i really just want to let the ppl i love know how much i love them 😭😭 BUT I REALLY LIKE. #GET WORRIED IF I'M TOO MUCH #that said though their reply this morning rlly made me happy #they were the first one to start asking questions so we cld get to know each other better so i thought i'd ask some of my own! #probably not your typical questions but i'm rlly just curious about it for everyone like. ideal world #thinking about it makes me rlly happy hdjkgksjfs #shoutout to apollo rn ig they're looking over at my phone N JUST HUGGED ME AAA I LOVE MY TWIN SO MUCH THEY'RE SO CUTE 🥺 #it's like 1 am now n i took like 30 minutes writing this #i like how i look today :p that lifts my mood too hehe #n writing sm last night made me think again of my original story hmmm >< ILL WORK MORE ON THAT HDJDKFKS IM RLLY HAPPY RN

[bloodyke]

SOCIAL MEDIA STOP RECCOMENDING ME PEOPLE I KNOW CHALLENGE

#zenith.txt #i explicitly turned OFF the from my contacts options why the hell did you show me my COUSINS SMUT BOOK REC TIKTOK #i dont wanna know about that pls 💀💀💀💀 #i should've commented something like hola stephie qué tal está el gueli?? before blocking her to be funny but too late now #btw gueli is what we call our abuela bc she (the first grandkid) couldnt pronounce abuela correctly and the name stuck

[iloveyoumorethansoup]

My last work post :(

My little crocheted things were met with great happiness :)

#and I only cried for like 30 seconds #my friend liked her snail and also apparently the pumpkin roll was good! which is good bc I was a little afraid it would turn out wonky #new pan and what not. shoutout to my roommates of last year who all were like yeah I don’t know never saw that pan ever. like. doubt #and for my other friend the bee!! i was like man I don’t know what to make her but also like I really want to make her something #so I did make the bee and I gave it to her this morning and she loved it I don’t know if I’ve ever seen her so happy #she named it Abbee u know bc it’s a pun with my name and bee and she was so happy I’m so glad I made it for her #she’s like I’m gonna put this somewhere where I’ll see it everyday so it reminds me of you #literally saying goodbye to her was what made me cry. i knew I would. i literally love her so so much #but yeah she really liked the bee a lot and she thought it was very sweet #and now I have her number and I promised to send her lots of pictures from college and to keep in touch #i cannot remember the last time I felt like someone genuinely cared about me as much as she does #I’m gonna miss her and work a ton but I am glad I have everyone’s contact info #that and I’m staying in all the group chats never know when I’ll wanna pop back in from cross country yknow? #now I can finally catch up on my video games lol #like if u think I’ve been working too much lately yes I have apparently I had like 10 hours in overtime from one week #so yeah. i got things to catch up on for sure. can’t remember the last time I got dressed and it wasn’t in slacks and a button up #soup talks