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#want to be better already and not feel like all my efforts to do so keep failing
jessicaloons · 3 days
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Chapter 41:
I like shiny things, but I’d marry with Paper Rings…
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Masterlist - Previous - Next
TW: spicy, adult content, 18+
Info: to fit my story line I swapped Austin with Mexico, the triple header will then be Mexico, Austin, Brazil
I stirred in the bed, the sunbeams sneaking through a gap between the curtains woke me up and I yawned.
"What time is it?" Charles whispered next to me and I turned a little, checking the time on my phone.
"Too early to be awake…" I mumbled, turning back, snuggling into him.
"Yeah? Then let’s sleep for a little longer." he kissed my forehead as I laid my head on his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat.
"Sounds like a plan." I whispered, closing my eyes.
"Why is your heart racing like that?" Charles asked after a while and I opened my eyes "Are you okay?" he turned his head, looking at me.
"I think so…"
"You think so?"
"It’s nothing, let’s just sleep…" I closed my eyes again, but he put two fingers under my chin, tilting my head up.
"What’s wrong?" he asked gently and I sighed.
"Last year here in Mexico…" I said quietly.
"That’s on your mind?"
"A little? I mean when we did the track walk and we walked past the spot where it happened… I don’t know, it’s just felt weird and I thought back to when I was in the garage and- and I thought you were dead…" my voice broke and Charles pulled me closer into him.
"But I was okay. I am okay. It’s just a bad memory, nothing else! Don’t think about it anymore, it’s not good for you, especially not when you have to focus on the race ahead!" he kissed the crown of my head and I slowly nodded.
"Can you just promise me that you take care out there today?" I whispered after a while and heard him sigh a little.
"I can promise you that I will try. You know that’s all I can do…"
"I know. But please try to."
"I promise that I will."
Unfortunately keeping his promise was harder than it sounded like, when I watched the RedBull and Ferrari sandwich in front of me, sending Checo off track and Charles losing the lead to Max. I took a deep breath and focused on my own race which I ended in the same position as I started in.
"That’s P4. Good job." Pete radioed and I sighed a little.
"Yeah, it was the best I could do I guess. Good job on the team’s side, our pit stops are getting better with every race!"
"Team effort."
"Team effort."
Austin next started out strong. A good quali and sprint race were making me feel optimistic for Sunday, the race didn’t bring the same result tho, with a P7 but it was the best we could do. I finished my interviews when I saw Charles looking frustrated, shaking his head.
"What’s going on?" I asked and he sighed.
"The FIA checked the planks on some of the cars… Lewis and mine apparently didn’t comply the technical regulations, so there’s a hearing."
"Are they for real? That was probably because we had two races at one weekend! Of course there’s some high wear on the skin pads! This track is fucking bumpy and with the stupid sprint race there’s not enough time to check it properly?" I said loudly and some people looked.
"Lizzie…" Julie warned and I sighed.
"Let’s go…" I grabbed his hand and lead him away, back to his hospitality "I would wait with you, but I’m not allowed in there…"
"Let’s go to Audi, I don’t want to wait alone…" Charles shrugged and I nodded.
"Okay." we walked back and waited, but I had a bad feeling and when Mia said that the final decision was made, I already knew by the look on her face what it meant.
"I was disqualified, right?" Charles voice was trembling.
"Yeah… you and Lewis…"
"Lewis as well? That means…"
"Carlos will move up into P3…" Mia said and Charles laughed.
"Of course… but hey, Lizzie, congrats to your P5 now." he patted my arm.
"Charles…" I began but he got up.
"No, it’s fine. It’s like this. Whatever. We can’t change it now anyways. I go to my race debrief, what’s there to debrief anyways but yeah… you go to yours. I see you later." he kissed me briefly and walked off.
"Can you please make sure that he’s okay?" I asked Mia and she nodded.
"Of course…" she walked off and Julie sighed.
"What a day…"
"What a day indeed."
"I don’t know if that’s a good idea…" Charles mumbled and I rolled my eyes a little.
"Oh come on! After that race? You deserve a little fun!" I said.
"Yeah but… I have to make some points in Brazil! I can’t mess this up!" he sighed.
"You won’t mess it up! It’s all going to be fine! We’ll be in Brazil right in time for the media day. It will be fun, you’ll see!" I smiled and after a while he sighed.
"Danny Ric and his ideas."
"It will be fun. Come on now, costumes!" I smiled excitedly but I didn’t like the look on his face "Why are you looking at me like that?" he just chuckled and I punched his arm "I swear, if you picked a slutty nurse or house maid costume… I’ll cut off your ba…" I began but got interrupted by his hysterical laugh.
"Oh cara mia, although I would love to see you as a slutty nurse or house maid, I wouldn’t want 500 other people to see that, too, there are parts of your body only I get to see… no, I picked something better!" he said and his little possessiveness made me blush.
"Alright. Then I’d say let’s exchange the costumes and get going?" I said, trying to contain my grin.
"Oh, what have you done?" Charles asked, voice laced with a tint of worry.
"You’ll see…" I chuckled and grabbed the garment bag "I’ll go to the bedroom."
As I zipped the bag open I sighed and took the costume out, now I preferred a slutty nurse or house maid costume. I googled for make-up and hair ideas when I heard steps coming my way and the door flying open.
"Absolutely not! No! I’m not wearing that!" Charles cursed and I looked him up, from head to toe.
"Holy shit, you look hot… umm… I’m… umm…" I was at a loss for words, he looked amazing. Hot. Sexy. Dangerous. Wearing all black.
"I’m not wearing a Mercedes race suit as a costume! Ferrari will kill me!" he groaned.
"Then I’m not wearing this…" I said and pointed at the costume on the bed.
"Fine. If I lose my job, it’s your fault!" he sighed and I chuckled.
"Oh come on, if anything it will only make them draft your new contract faster!" I said, still ogling him up and down. My insides began to stir and I was feeling hot, flushed "Go now, please. I have to get ready." my voice was raspy.
"Maybe I should talk to the design team and ask for an all black suit next season?" Charles chuckled and I shook my head.
"Go. Now. Thank you." I pushed him through the door and sighed "Slutty cheerleader here I go…"
Charles POV:
I watched how Lizzie danced with Kika, having fun, laughed.
"It’s been a while since I saw her this carefree?" Pierre nodded towards our girls and I smiled.
"Yeah… this whole thing with Diaz, then with Sainz, Singapore and the m…" I stopped abruptly and Pierre cocked an eyebrow.
"What happened in Singapore?"
"I mean, she could’ve won that race, silence the media who were slandering her again and again…" I lied and he nodded.
"Yeah, that’s true, it was a shame, honestly."
"It was. But look at her, she’s happy. That’s what’s most important."
The two girls pulled us on the dance floor and Lizzie threw her arms around my neck.
"Are you having fun, Charlie?" she asked swaying and I smiled.
"A whole lot… my beautiful cheerleader is here dancing with me after all." I replied and kissed her.
"Mhh me too. It was a good idea that we came here… alright your costume…" she mumbled against my lips and I tilted my head a little.
"What’s with my costume?"
"I don’t like how all the girls are staring at you because you look so devilishly handsome in this black race suit." she pouted and I had to laugh "That’s not funny!"
"Cara mia, you chose the costume!" I said matter of factly.
"I know… but still…" she groaned a little and I pulled her closer, kissing the corner of her mouth, down her jaw, feeling her squirming in my hold.
"Don’t worry, pretty girl. They might see me in the suit… but you’re the only girl seeing me out of it…" I whispered in her ear and I felt her shuddering.
"Let’s get a taxi…" she rasped out and I grinned at her like a devil "Now."
She clung to me, her arms around my neck, hands carding through my hair, leaving hot open mouthed kisses along the column of my neck, my jaw, my throat. My hands gripping her waist, pulling her close into me, fiddling with the fabric of her skirt, hiking it up her thighs. As soon as the elevator door opened I pushed her out, walking us fast toward our door, prying my hands from her waist, lifting my head up to see the security panel of the door. Lizzie looked up at the loss of my arms around her and the sudden movement of my head.
"Pretty girl, I have to open the door… stop pouting…" I groaned as she began suckling at the sensitive skin just below my ear.
"Hurry up…" she whined, pulling my head down, clashing her hot, wet lips onto mine, making me taste the sweetness of the cocktails she drank earlier. The door opened with a simmer and I tapped her thighs, making her jump a little, wrapping her legs around my waist on instinct. I walked inside, kicking the door shut with my foot. Holding her up at her thighs, massaging them, distracted by her kisses and licks around my neck I stumbled into the bedroom, where I dropped her on the bed. She tilted her head up, eying me from head to toe, hungry look in her eyes.
"You look so devilishly hot in that suit… mhhh why don’t you screw Ferrari and go for Lewis seat instead?" she said breathless and I slapped her thigh "Was that supposed to be a punishment? Try again…"
I chuckled and leaned down, holding myself steady above her, ghosting my lips over hers before I kissed the corner of her mouth, then kissed a line to her ear, breathing out, hot and heavy against it, making her moan a little.
"I think you would much rather enjoy a reward…" I whispered, gently biting down at her earlobe.
"How do I earn it?" she whispered back, her voice trembling with anticipation.
"I’m a Mercedes driver… I want to be cheered on by my personal cheerleader…" I grinned at her and she put one hand in my neck, pulling my head close.
"I can do that…" she breathed against my lips and nibbled at my lower lip before she pushed me off of her and got up, she then turned around and I sat up. She unclipped the Pom Pom’s from her waist and began to do a cheer routine.
"I love seeing you wearing my logo… it’s like I marked you… for everyone to see…" I muttered and she smiled seductively "But right now I wouldn’t mind seeing you out of it…" Lizzie understood the hint immediately. Throwing the Pom Pom’s my way. Sliding her hands up and down her sites, before she hooked her thumbs under the hem of the top, pulling it slowly over her head, revealing a dark red lace bra, making me choke up. I loved seeing her in red. And she knew it. She gently cupped her breasts before turning around, bending down, shaking her behind a little to reveal the sight of the matching slip underneath her short skirt. I felt how the suit got tight around my crotch, too tight, and threw my head back, closing my eyes. My breathing hitched when soft fabric hit my face and I opened my eyes, looking down at Lizzie’s bra in my lap. The second I looked up I lost all restraint and jumped up. Backing her up against the wall, making her whimper as the rough fabric of my race suit dragged along her bare skin, when I pressed my knee between her thighs, pushing up her skirt. I kissed her, rough and deep, almost frantic as the sweetness of her lips and tongue engulfed my senses. Sensations of heat, lust and love rushing through my body. I felt my growing bulge against her thigh, making her moan and me taking a deep breath. Lizzie’s hands began to fiddle with the zipper of the suit and she whined desperately as it wouldn’t budge.
"Don’t be so impatient, pretty girl!" I grinned and helped her, pulling the zipper down, letting her strip me off of it, the suit pooling around my waist, before pulling my shirt over my head. She pressed her firm breasts into my chest and I could feel her pebbled nipples against my skin as we moaned in unison. I pushed her skirt further up her thighs, exposing the dark red, lazy slip, cupping her heat with my hand, rubbing once. She bit her lips, suppressing a moan and I felt her knees buckling so I grabbed her thighs, hiking them around my waist, pushing her further into the wall. She let out a surprised huff and locked her eyes with mine, before she captured my lips in a searing kiss, it was sloppy, messy but above all desperate. It was suffocating and hot in the best way possible, but my growing bulge pressed against her hot core made me pull away, trying to catch my breath. Lizzie made a little sound of protest, before gripping my neck again, trying to pull my lips back to hers.
"Charles…" she whined and I pushed us off the wall, carrying her to our bed, falling back down on it, Lizzie above me. She blinked and sat up, straddling my hips, and I felt my heart palpitating, lungs clenching, as I saw her naked frame, looking like a true goddess. I put my hands on her waist, rubbing circles on it and with one swift move I turned us over, hovering now over her. Her hands shot up, tangling in my hair and pulling me closer. I only gave her a soft kiss on her lips before I started my way down, kissing her throat, collarbone, leaving tiny marks. My hands pushing her skirt down her legs as I kissed down the valley between her breasts, locking eyes with her, hungry and full of lust. I kissed my way further down, nibbled at her stomach making her clench it in the process. As I arrived at her core I kissed it above the fabric, making Lizzie bucking her hips, I gently laid one hand on her stomach and pushed her back into the mattress, waiting a moment for her to calm down, then I hooked my thumbs under the band of her slip and pulled it down with one smooth move, throwing it together with her skirt behind my back. A soft thud telling me both clothings landed on the floor.
"Ready for your reward?" I whispered and looked up at Lizzie, who nodded slightly, and I grinned, devouring her. Caressing her soft skin, making her moan, gripping my hair, pulling me closer to where she needed me the most.
"Don’t stop…" she whimpered as I stole the air from her very lungs, making her puff out a long breath "Close… so close…" she mumbled underneath her breath. After a short while, she arched her back, grinding her core into my face, whining and moaning in ecstasy, as she reached her climax. I let go of her, looking up at her gorgeous face, eyes closed, blissful smile on her lips, chest heaving with every breath she took, beads of sweat glistening all over her beautiful body. Her hands let go of my hair, searching around until they found mine, still holding her waist down. She intertwined our fingers, gently pulling me up and I obeyed, leaning down over her face, looking at the pretty girl underneath me, my pretty girl. She slowly opened her eyes, still out of breath.
"Hi…" she whispered, all of a sudden shy again, cheeks slightly blushing, as she looked at my face, bottom half glistening with her essence and she closed her eyes again, groaning quietly.
"Hi pretty girl…" I answered, gently nudging her nose with mine. She bit her lip and looked up at me with hooded eyes, then she leaned up, pressing her lips on mine, tasting herself on them. I had to grin into the kiss and she slowly pulled back, licking her lips. She pulled our intertwined hands to her lips, kissing my knuckles gently. Smiling her most gorgeous smile, falling back even more into her shy demeanour, she still wore at times. As I adjusted my position above her, my straining crotch, still covered in the race suit, brushed against her heat, and her breathing hitched. She looked down and gulped audibly.
"Take it off…" she said in a hushed tone, her fiery gaze burning a hole in my middle, before she put her hands on my hips, pushing the suit down herself. I helped her, sliding it off, letting it fall onto the floor. Her eyes found mine and she cupped my cheek with her hand, gently caressing it "I love you…" she purred softly and I laid a feathery kiss on her lips, getting more heated with every moment that passed and in that I could feel her soft core beneath my skin. She grabbed my hips, pulling me flush against her, an impatient whine on her lips as she greedily captured my bottom lip between her teeth. I felt my heart racing, my body buzzing all over with anticipation and locked eyes with her, gently freeing my lips from hers. Littering her face and jaw with tiny kisses, as I sucked on her collarbone she arched her back into me and with one last look in her eyes I let my arousal take over, making her moan loudly as our body’s melted into one.
"I love you too…" I muttered out, moaning as her heat clenched around me.
"We could’ve chartered a whole plane for all of us…" Pierre chuckled as I watched almost half the grid settling into their seats, occupying the entire first class.
"True that!" Daniel laughed, plopping down in his seat.
"Just so you guys know I want silence the next 10 hours. Utter and complete silence." Lando groaned and put a sleeping mask and his headphones on.
"And it’s all too much for little Lando Norris." Daniel imitated Crofty and we all laughed.
"I said silence." Lando murred and I cuddled back into my seat.
"Comfy?" Charles asked after a while and I shook my head, taking his hand and cuddling it to my chest.
"Better." I closed my eyes and heard him chuckle.
"Silly girl. Sleep now, we have a hectic day ahead of us." he said, kissing the crown of my head.
"Hectic weekend. And did you see the weather forecast? Damn…" I whispered.
"Yeah I saw it…" Charles said and I felt him tensing up a little.
"Hey, it will be alright, don’t worry, we’ll have a good weekend, you’ll see." I kissed the back of his hand and he smiled a little.
"I hope you’re right." he said and I sat up.
"Forget about Austin. It’s in the past. You’ll do amazing! So come on. Have a little nap with me." I smiled and Charles sighed. I could literally see the wheels turning in his head with how hard he was thinking about the weekend ahead.
"It’s just… I need to proof that I’m better. John Elkann will be in Brazil… he wasn’t supposed to be there, he planned to come to Vegas. But now he’s already in Brazil? What if it is to tell me that they’re not happy with my performance? That they won’t extend my contract?" he whispered and I sat up.
"Stop it now, okay! Why would they do that? They’re not stupid! Austin wasn’t your fault! Stop this nonsense now! He’s coming to Brazil because he wants to, there’s no reason behind it. Period." I looked at him determined and after a while he smiled a little.
Maybe you’re right." he leaned back, taking my hand in his again "What would I do without you?"
"I answered that question before, so you know the answer." I leaned into him, my head on his shoulder.
"I might sink and drown and die."
"Exactly."
"Was that Fred that I saw earlier?" I asked Charles when we walked to the car, late at Saturday night.
"Yeah… he’s here…" he opened my door and I looked at him "He said he wanted to talk to me after the weekend…"
"About what?" I waited for him to get in the car as well.
"He didn’t say about what. Just that we need to talk." Charles looked worried. I saw how he clenched his jaw, his hands gripping the steering wheel so tight, his knuckles turned white.
"It’s going to be okay, you’ll see." I pried his hands away from the steering wheel and made him look at me "Fred loves you. Whatever is going to happen, it’s okay!"
"I hope so." he mumbled and started the car.
We drove in silence but I felt Charles’ anxiety radiating off of him, the tension in his shoulders visible. And although I tried my best to soothe his worries, to calm him down, he was as nervous as ever when he got into the car on Sunday. I watched horrified how he flew off in the formation lap and my stomach was in tight knots the whole race. As soon as I was out of the car, I was looking for him, but he was nowhere to be found.
"You text me as soon as you see him, okay?" I said to Andrea and he nodded, walking back into the Ferrari garage.
"Lizzie, we really have to go now… come on." Julie urged and I followed her to the media pen, where I gave my interviews in the fastest way possible and Julie chuckled when I looked at her after the hopefully last one "Okay, okay, we’re done! You can go and look now for Charles!"
"Thank you!" I almost sprinted away, looking for Joris and Andrea.
"He’s here." the latter said when I stopped in front of the Ferrari hospitality.
"Is he okay? He didn’t answer my texts…" I was slightly out of breath from running.
"He’s umm-… he’s in a meeting with Fred… and I think I saw John Elkann with them as well…" Andrea said slowly and my heart began to race.
"Okay- I mean… I guess I wait then?"
"That’s all we can do now." Andrea smiled at me when I saw Silvia coming our way.
"But you know what? I can wait at Audi as well…" I walked off before the evil witch of the easy reached us, making my way to wait for Charles.
The debrief felt like a whole eternity and when I finally left I saw a text from Charles, saying that I should wait at the car for him. I had a bad feeling and said good night to everyone, walking to the parking lot. My heart was hammering in my chest when two arms engulfed me from behind, but just a second later I relaxed, feeling it was Charles.
"Hey cara mia." he kissed the side of my head, spinning me around.
"You’re smiling?" I asked cautiously and he nodded.
"I’m smiling." he smiled, kissing me.
"What does that mean? Is everything okay?" I asked and he pushed me against the car, kissing me again "Charles!"
"More than okay. Brilliant actually… but I can’t tell you for now. It has to be secret until it’s officially announced…" he smiled brightly, opening the door for me, pushing me inside.
"And what? You think I will spill the beans?" I pouted, right when he closed the door and walked around the car to get in "Am I not trustworthy en-…" he silenced me with another kiss.
"Fred will become team principal next season. My new contract is already drafted…" he began and I squealed.
"Mattia is gone?" I asked and Charles nodded.
"Mattia is gone… well next season…" he said and I did a little happy dance.
"Does that mean that Sainz will be gone as well?" I asked big Charles shook his head.
"They didn’t mention him. And I honestly don’t care. Since Fred joined it was planned for him to take over. That’s why he was so highly involved in the making of next seasons car. It’s his car. And he said it’s the car to win the championship with… or at least he hopes so." his most beautiful, dimple showing smile was back.
"Charles Leclerc, world champion 2024. I called it first." I said happily and he shrugged his shoulders.
"We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves now, cara mia." he chuckled, starting the engine.
"Maybe you don’t… but I will! Mark my words, world champion of 2024, Charles Leclerc, my gorgeous boyfriend." I smiled "Now I’m even more happy for our trip to LA."
"Yeah, me too, it will be great."
Charles POV:
"What are you doing?" I plopped down next to Lizzie on the sun island and she showed me her iPad.
"These are the three options for the kitchen… I love them all, but the third one is my favourite. I always wanted to have an all white kitchen with black hardware but the kitchen island in all black? Waterfall edges of this beautiful white granite with black veins? The same we use for the countertops? Damn Carla really had an amazing idea here."
"That was Carla’s idea?" I asked and she nodded "I have to so, they all look stunning, but yeah, the black island really stands out? What tiles? The other options had tiles."
"I was honestly thinking to use the same granite as backsplash? Like a big fat slab of stone… here…" she tapped on the display and the model changed.
"Yes. 100 % yes. It looks amazing! Wow. Send it to Léon That’s our kitchen." I saw how happy and giddy she was about this decision and kissed her cheek "What else? Tell me you have more!"
"So, we already decided for the guest bathrooms and both powder rooms… but do you want to see my vision for our bathroom?" she asked and I nodded "Okay, here. I saw this bathtub and fell in love. Look at the size of it! Here’s the layout." she showed me the bathroom, the shower, big enough for a handful of people, the two vanities, a dressing table in between and the huge bathtub. It looked perfect.
"Perfect… like honestly! Lizzie you outdone yourself." I pulled her into me, smiling at her blushed cheeks "I can’t wait to move into our home together. It’s going to be so perfect. You are so perfect."
"Oh stop. I had a lot of help from Carla and our mum’s…" she almost whispered and I tilted her head up.
"Yeah but it’s your vision they help you with. You make this place our home." I kissed her, feeling her melting under my touch.
"Oh for fucks sake! Take a room! Ugggghhhh… I’m leaving!" Andrea groaned and I laughed.
"Wait for me, I’m not staying behind with these two lovebirds! Let’s go to Six Flags alone!" Joris said, following Andrea.
"Noooo! Wait for me!" Lizzie scrambled off of me and I huffed.
"Excuse me?" I looked at her.
"Wait for us?" she said meekly and grinned.
"Exactly. Wait for us!" we got up and followed the guys outside.
"I heard you’re excited for all the roller coasters." Lizzie teased Andrea and he laughed nervously "It’s okay. I’ll hold your hand when it get’s scary."
"I can also just wait for you guys…" he began but Lizzie shook her head.
"Nope. You’re coming with us on the rides! It will be fun! Believe me!"
It was fun. For Lizzie. For me. Not for Andre. Also not for Joris. Lizzie made her puppy eyes and made us ride everything there was and the colour from Andrea and Joris’ faces drained with every new ride more and more.
"Cara mia, I think you’ve exhausted them…" I whispered when we drove back to our Airbnb in the evening, the two guys half asleep in the backseat of the car. Lizzie turned and looked at them, one paler than the other.
"I’m sorry boys…" she chuckled, smiling apologetic.
"No you’re not!" Joris groaned.
"I can’t wait for when it’s time to go racing again!" Andrea sighed, leaning his head back "Thank god we’re leaving in two days, before you kill us."
"I’m definitely not getting paid enough for being tortured like that by your girlfriend…" Joris murmured and I had to laugh.
"Oh come on! It wasn’t that bad!" I said and they both looked at me pointedly.
"Your girl is a crazy spitfire and you know it!" Andrea said and I turned to Lizzie, grabbing her hand.
"That she is." I kissed the back of her hand and watched her blush "My girl."
"Coming to you Lizzie, what do you think of the race weekend here in Las Vegas?" Tom Clarkson asked and I looked over at Max, who looked just as disinterested as I felt.
"Honestly? Max said everything there is to say, I don’t have much to add. It’s all a big show for nothing. It’s turning into a circus, gets bigger and bigger when we all come here for one reason only: we want to race. We don’t need all of this stuff around. Events left and right. The sport itself is interesting enough. We don’t need all this bullshit around we get to see here." I said and Max nodded laughing.
"Alright, thank you, Lizzie. We open the floor now for some questions."
I didn’t listen to most of the questions and the ones for me were basically all the same, how I liked it here, what I expected from the race. When I walked out with Max and Charles, Max and I couldn’t even stop shit talking the whole event, leading to Charles rolling his eyes, saying that we were too dramatic.
"No Charlie boy, we’re not dramatic. We want to race. And not get paraded around like a freaking attraction…" I sighed.
"Listen to your girlfriend mate!" Max chuckled as our ways parted and he walked towards the RedBull hospitality.
"You should stop being so negative! Maybe the weekend will be great! I know, the opening ceremony was maybe a little bit too much, I agree but overall? The atmosphere is amazing, don’t you think?" Charles nudged my shoulder.
"Yeah maybe… let’s see how the racing is, you know? Racing? The reason why we’re here?" I looked at him and he pinched my side.
"You’re so funny… not… you’ll see! The racing will be great! How often do we get an entire new track just like that?"
"Umm- just last year in Miami?"
"Oh for fucks sake, Lizzie! Come on! It will be fun! You’ll see!" Charles rolled his eyes.
But what I saw was a messed up Friday on a track that had to be checked entirely for its drain covers and made us wait for for what felt like a whole eternity to come back for free practice 2.
At least the Saturday started better and when Charles made it on pole, a big smile on his face, I decided to swallow down my grudge against the track, because it looked like he was really enjoying racing here in Vegas.
"So? What do you say? Will you be the first winner of the Las Vegas GP?" I asked Charles when we were walking back from the national anthem and he laughed.
"I sure hope so, but you never know, Max is right behind me, then you, Checo… it won’t be easy!"
"And don’t forget Danny Ric! He made it just in time to be ready to race here in Vegas! And he’s starting on P6!" I said right as said driver pushed his way through us.
"Watch it lovebirds…" he chuckled and I slapped his arm.
"Oh you better stop, I saw you yapping all over my sister just an hour ago…" I said and he shrugged his shoulders.
"Don’t know what you’re talking about."
"Yeah yeah, whatever!" Charles laughed and kissed my cheek "Good luck, cara mia, Daniel. Let’s have some fun out there."
Fun? No. Crazy? Yes. The start already saw 4 cars retiring with Checo, Lewis, Norris and Sainz all out of the race. The red flag was waved and George, Oscar and Alonso all had to get some new front wings and tyres. As the race re-started it took only three more laps for the next yellow flag and safety car, Alonso being the fifth car to retire.
"It’s crazy! How many cars are out already? 5?" I radioed.
"Yes 5. Don’t make it 6, focus on your race, please." Pete replied and I chuckled.
"Yeah, yeah…"
I continued, watching Charles and Max battle hard for the race lead.
"Lizzie, red flag, Magnussen out. Careful, there’s a lot of debris." Pete radioed right as I drove over said debris.
"Fuck, I think I’ve damaged my floor. Is Kevin okay?"
"He’s okay. Return to the pits, we need to check your car."
As soon as I was back in the pits and saw Matt’s face when he got up from the floor I knew it was over. I had to retire.
"I’m sorry, Lizzie. It happened so fast, I couldn’t warn you any earlier." Pete apologised as soon as I was out of the car, taking my helmet off.
"It’s alright, it’s not your fault. It sucks but it’s like this." I patted his back.
"Oh wow, Charles 2.0…" he chuckled and I laughed, right when Liam appeared out of nowhere.
"I’m sorry Lizzie." he hugged my waist and I ruffled his hair a little.
"It’s okay, now let’s watch Charlie and Daniel, shall we?" I picked him up and he nodded.
"You have to go the interviews first…" Julie reminded me and I sighed.
"Alright, I’ll be back soon Liam." I kissed his cheek before I put him down on the stool in front of dad, while mum hugged me.
"I’m sorry…" she whispered.
"No, I’m sorry! The first race in a while that you attend and I bottle it."
"You didn’t bottle it. You were unfortunate!" Dad side hugged me and I sighed.
"Yeah, maybe… now let’s hope that Charles wins it and Danny keeps his podium." I shrugged and followed Julie to the media pen.
The interviews were quickly done and on my way back I watched Shima and Joris all cozy in the almost empty Ferrari hospitality. When they saw me they pulled away from each other and I had to laugh. It seemed like she wasn’t here just to see me after all. I walked back into our garage, just in time to see the final lap, Max winning the race, followed by Charles and Daniel.
"He almost won." Liam sighed and I nodded.
"He did. But he had an amazing weekend, just like Danny, we can be proud of them!" I said and he nodded, playing with something in his pocket.
"Can we go to the fence? I want to congratulate them!" Liam said and I smiled.
"Of course, Bubba, let’s go."
I sat Liam on the fence and we looked up at the podium, where Max, Charles and Daniel were spraying the champagne and having a party of their own.
"It’s been a while since I saw him that happy!" Sissy said and I looked at her.
"Oh come on! That’s just a teeny tiny bit more than when he’s with you and Liam!" I said and bumped her shoulder.
"Believe me, that was a mask for a long time… losing his seat was the worst thing that could’ve happen…" she almost whispered it as she looked up again, tears in her eyes. As if Daniel felt that she was looking he turned around, forming a little heart with his fingers and sending it to my sister "Look at this dork!"
I smiled as I saw how my sister blushed. The truth was I’ve never seen her more happy than with Daniel. And with Liam loving him wholeheartedly as well, I knew that she finally found the one. The one that was now approaching us, with the biggest grin on his face, scooping up Liam and whispering something into his ear, the little lad nodding excitedly and handing him something. Daniel handed him over to Charles, who made big eyes as Liam whispered something into his ear. I watched how Daniel swooped up Sissy, twirling her around, saying something to her.
"WHAT?!" she exclaimed loudly and Daniel only nodded and kissed her, then sat her down looking in her eyes "You‘re kidding, right?"
"Hell no! Let’s do it tonight!" he said and took her hand and I almost choked as I saw him slipping a ring onto her finger "Everyone is here! I don’t want to wait a single day! What are you saying?"
"I-I umm…" she looked frantically around, Charles sat Liam down on the ground and he ran up to her.
"Say yes Mummy! YES!" he was overly excited and Charles hugged me from behind, watching what was happening.
"Yes. YES!" Sissy said and Daniel kissed her, before he scooped up Liam and hugged them both.
"What did just happen?" I whispered and Charles kissed my temple.
"Danny Ric just happened." he chuckled and I smiled.
"I don’t even have a dress? This is crazy! Why are we doing this? I mean… come on! We could wait! How are we supposed to plan a wedding in what? 12 hours? It’s the middle of the night? What are we doing?" Sissy was pacing back and forth while Mum, Shima and I just sat there, listening to her rambling.
"It’s Vegas! I think finding a dress won’t be too difficult? Shima’s here, she can fix anything you find into something great! Maybe not your dream wedding dress, but a beautiful one nonetheless? And again, it’s Vegas! This city never sleeps! Planning a wedding shouldn’t be too hard? I mean we are in one of the fanciest hotels already? Let me check if they have a nice location where we can celebrate? Finding a chapel won't be too hard either…" I chuckled and Mum nodded.
"Yeah and it’s not like we’re a whole lot of people? It's doable, maybe it's not the wedding of your dreams… bute he’s the man of your dreams, or not?” she looked at Sissy who smiled.
"You're right! Let’s plan!" she said and sat down.
“Alright, first things first. Guests, I need to know how many people we are to find a location… you and Danny and Liam, his family, that’s 5, us, that’s another 5. Wait I text him if he wants to invite any of the other drivers… alright, let’s talk dresses, Shima that’s your part…" I made a note on my phone, then looked up, Sissy and Mum looking at me with big eyes "What?"
"Nothing… you’re doing great, can I go to bed and you do the rest?"Sissy chuckled and I laughed.
"Nope. You figure out what colours you want, what flowers and stuff like that, while I… oh Danny texted… okay, small wedding, only Max, Christian, his wife and Pierre with Kika… that makes… 18?” I checked my phone and wrote down the names.
"Joris?" Mum said and we all grinned at Shima.
"Yes!" Sissy looked at me and I wrote them down.
"I don’t know why you’re looking at me like that…" Shima mumbled and I laughed.
"Oh shut it… you think you’re subtle, but let me tell you, you’re not… whatever is going on with you and him… we know… so 19."
"Whatever… dresses… I know some designers from here, I text them, let’s see what we can organise? I mean, it’s 2am they won’t answer until the morning, but yeah…" Shima began typing away on her phone.
"Alright, I need a time, when do we start?"
I looked at Sissy and Mum.
"Umm-… maybe 6pm? So everyone can have a little sleep, maybe? I mean, it won’t be a big and long ceremony? It’s Vegas, after all it’s going to be fast and funny?" Sissy said and I nodded.
"Okay… so we are… 19 people? Yeah? That’s doable I guess. I go downstairs to check the front desk… ask them if they have like a little ball room? I don’t know? Something fitting for a wedding? You think about dresses and I don’t know, colours? Food? The other stuff…" I got up.
"What other stuff?" Mum asked and I shrugged.
"I don’t know, you’re married, you planned your wedding, so you know what to do…" I left the room, right when Charles called.
"Hows the wedding planning going?" he asked and I laughed.
"I’m on my way to the front desk, asking for a room and someone who can marry them…"
"Elvis might be a good option." Charles laughed.
"Very original- ha ha… no seriously. Maybe they offer like an all inclusive last minute deal? I don’t know… we’re roughly 20 people, it should be organisable, no?" I sighed a little, leaning against the elevator wall "When are you coming back?"
"Soon, we’re just trying on some suits, Danny found a tailor that’s still open, Vegas, I swear… is the dress shopping also this easy?"
"Shima knows some designers from here, she contacted them, but yeah, probably the real process starts in the morning, but it’s fine, we get there." I yawned a little, entering the lobby "Text me when you’re in your way back, I’m at the front desk now."
"Alright, cara mia, see you later!" he hung up and I walked up to the front desk.
"Good morning, Miss Doetterer, how can I help you?" the lady said and smiled at me.
"Umm- this might sound crazy… but I need a room, location, whatever to held a wedding. Ceremony, reception, party all in one place would be amazing. For around 20 people, today at 6pm?" I said cautiously, expecting the blondes smile to drop.
"Oh believe me, this isn’t even close to the craziest things I’ve been asked for in the past… this is Las Vegas after all, planning a wedding in less than… 15 hours? We can do that." she said, her smile got even brighter "Is it for you and Mr. Leclerc then?"
"What? Oh no- no! It’s for my sister and Danny Ric… umm Daniel Ricciardo." I said hastily and she nodded.
"Very well, let’s plan your sister’s one of a kind Las Vegas wedding then."
"Man, I love Vegas. Let’s plan!"
As I watched my sister and Daniel share their first dance as husband and wife I had to smile. We did it. We planned an amazing wedding. The room looked elegant and classy. The cake looked delicious. The flowers were beautiful. But above all Sissy looked stunning. The dress Shima organised and altered here and there was simple, classy and timeless. Liam in his mini suit running around, looking adorable as ever was just the tip of the iceberg.
"Did I mention before how beautiful you look? That dress is just… wow… what a nice little black dress." Charles whispered in my ear, spinning me around, standing behind me.
"You look not to bad yourself, handsome." I chuckled and he hugged me from behind.
"I’m proud of you. You did all that in less than what? 12 hours?" Charles said, putting his chin on my shoulder, swaying us a little.
"The hotel did most of the job, I told them what we wanted, Sissy said the colours and flowers, Shima took care of the dress and Mum took care of the menu. Given all the input to the hotel, they did the biggest chunk of work." I shook my head a little.
"But you were managing it. And you did amazing. It’s a beautiful wedding. Makes me wonder-…" he stopped abruptly and I turned my head a little.
"Makes you wonder what?" I looked at him.
"Makes me wonder how our wedding will be one day… when you have time to plan it for weeks… considering what you did in a couple of hours."
"To find that out, you need to ask me to marry you first." I chuckled.
"Oh, don’t worry cara mia… I’m planning to." he kissed my cheek and then winked at me, before he left, picking Liam up who tried to have a go at the cake "Little munchkin, you have to wait!"
"But I want now some cake! It looks so fluffy and yummy!" Liam pouted.
"You’ll get your slice, don’t worry! You just have to wait a little!" Charles laughed and Liam sighed.
"Okay… but cakes are the best thing at parties, we should eat them first." he grumbled and walked off, climbing in dad’s lap, probably lamenting his suffering.
Liam was right, the cake was just what he said. Fluffy and yummy. After his second slice and some more dancing mum and dad, bid their farwell, taking Liam with them, right when some waiters brought in a couple of new bottles of champagne.
Daniel grabbed a bottle and began shaking it, before he banged it on the table
"I’d say, let’s party!" Danny popped the bottle and the night began with champagne showers.
Pain. A mind-numbing, throbbing pain. Like someone was scratching at my eyeballs from the insides, a jackhammer doing its worst inside my brain. My stomach began to churn and I groaned, trying to untangle my legs from the sheets and Charles legs, his arms holding me tight around the waist.
"Charles… let go of me…" I whispered, a loud snore my answer "Charles I’m serious… I have to…"
"What is it?" he groaned.
"Have to… throw up…" was the only thing I could manage to breathe out when he let go of me immediately and I stumbled out of bed, tripping over something on the floor "Fuck." I crawled to the bathroom, making it just in time to empty my stomach into the toilet.
"Lizzie? Are you okay?" Charles hoarse voice wafting through the fog in my brain.
"Peachy. Just peachy." I mumbled, slowly getting up from the floor rinsing my mouth "I need…"
"What do you need?"
"I don’t know…" I splashed cold water in my face, feeling some short lived relief from the drumming inside my head "I need pain killers…" I grabbed two hand towels and soaked them in cold water, wrung them out and stumbled back to bed, tripping again over something on the floor.
"What the fuck…" I groaned.
"What the fuck…" the something hissed.
"Pierre?" I sat up, blinking
"Yeah?" he mumbled and Charles switched on the night stand lamp.
"What the fuck are you doing on the floor? In our room?" Charles asked, his voice groggy.
"Don’t know. Don’t care. Switch the light off." he turned away, pulling his blanket over his head.
"There’s a couch. Sleep there!" I whispered but saw how he shook his head.
"Floor is cold. Good for my head." he mumbled and I sighed.
"Alright…" I slowly scrambled back to the bed and climbed in, letting the cold towel
flop on Charles face, he flinched but chuckled a little.
"Thanks, cara mia." he moved over and kissed my cheek.
Half sitting, half laying I rummaged through my bag on the nightstand, looking for some painkillers and popped out a pill as soon as I found them, swallowing it down with some water.
"What happened last night?" I whined, lying back, covering my forehead with the cold towel.
"Your sister and Danny Ric got married." Charles yawned.
"Fuck yes they did!" Pierre laughed on the floor.
"And why are we half dead?" I asked.
"Because none of us knows their limit apparently…" Charles groaned.
"Nope." Pierre half laughed half snored "Can we now maybe be quiet for a bit? My head hurts…"
"Here…" I grabbed the painkillers, popped another pill out and threw the blister then at him, followed by a bottle of water rolled over the floor.
"Ouch!" Pierre whined, when the bottle was stopped by his head "Thank you…"
"Here, for you…" I handed Charles a pill.
"You’re an angel." he kissed my cheek and turned around, grabbing his water.
"What are you even doing in our room, Pierre?" I asked, watching him all sprawled out on the floor, cheeks smushed into the cold marble floor.
"I don’t know… we were at the wedding. We were gambling… we were drinking… we were at a club… we were drinking… we were gambling… I remember In’and’Out Burger and then this cute little white house where we took some pictures. And I swear Elvis was there as well…"
"I wouldn’t say no to a burger…" I whispered and Charles chuckled.
"You get one as soon as we get up…" he kissed my shoulder "Which will be soon… our flight is in a couple of hours."
"How much time do we have left?" I yawned.
"Wait… our flight is at 4… and now it’s… it’s almost 12!" Charles sat up and I flinched "Fuck… sorry, cara mia. But we have to pack, get ready and…"
"For fucks sake! We have time! Shut up now…" Pierre groaned.
"Not agreeing how he said it, but agreeing with what he said…" I shrugged, pulling the blanket over my head "30 minutes… come on…"
"30 minutes! Not one minute longer!"
I sighed contently and closed my eyes. Feeling the throbbing in my head subsiding slowly as the cold towel did its job. The loud snores from Pierre were the only disturbance and as I turned to grab one of the pillows beside the bed to throw at him, I touched my phone the screen illuminating half the room and my look fell on the time.
"FUCK! FUCK!" I shouted, Charles and Pierre both flinching and sitting up "We overslept! It’s almost 2!"
"FUCK!" both boys exclaimed.
Pierre scrambled up, trying to stand looking around like a lost puppy.
"Where is my keycard? Why am I even here." he groaned, searching through his pockets "Fuck."
"Call Kika!" I suggested and Pierre took out his phone, calling his girlfriend.
"Okay, let’s pack…" Charles mumbled, opening up our suitcases, throwing in everything he could find "Here…" he threw one of his hoodies at me, while I grabbed some fresh clothes "Get ready in the bathroom, I handle this mess…"
"Hey! I’m no mess!" Pierre looked at him and I chuckled, disappearing into the bathroom.
My vision was still blurry and I sat down on the bathtub edge, brushing my teeth. I stripped off my clothes, put on some socks and leggings before I washed my face. As soon as the second wave of cold water hit my face and I wiped my eyes I looked in the mirror, my eyes immediately falling on the ring on my left ring finger.
"What the fuck…" I gulped, starring at the silver ring.
"Yeah… what the fuck…" Charles walked slowly inside, holding up his left hand, the same ring adorning his finger.
"What the fuck happened last night…"
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Chapter 41 - I hope you guys are feeling as hot after reading, as me when I was writing it 🤭 the infamous Las Vegas race giving us really everything there was to get, including one (two?!) wedding(s) … 👀
Please leave a comment/ like/ reblog/ message and tell me how you liked it! I'm dying to hear your thoughts!
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Last but not least, English is not my first language and although I tried my best: please excuse any mistakes I made!
Taglist:
@silkenthusiasts @eugene-emt-roe @sunny44 @itsjustkhaos @glitterquadricorn @aundercover @kakorrhaphiphobia @alittlebitofbooksandmagic @ru-kru @shimmermotorsport @janeholt3 @kahhorri @18754389 @chiliwhore @hellowgoodbye @queensassybitchsworld @harrysdimple05 @skynel09
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blonditarot · 6 hours
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What does the full moon would like to say to you?
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New full moon, some new messages ^^
Pile one => pile four
Pile one
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7 of swords rev, 10 of wands rev, queen of cups,
Oh you’re exhausted. You want to leave all that burdens behind, it’s taking away your willpower to live. You’re so stressed out, you’re loosing your passion for. Drop the act, release some of that stress. Just drop it everything will be fine. You will hurt yourself if you continue doing it. Be compassionate and gentle towards yourself first. Take care of your health and your own emotions first. Lock yourself away from that stress, put some headphones on and breathe. Focus on your cup, on your own heart, on its wants and needs. Everything will be fine if you take a break. Drop it. Even if you’re only able to that for five minutes
Pile two
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8 of wands rev, 5 of pentacles rev, 3 of cups,
It’s taking way more time that you want it. You’ve been struggling for a while now. You’re missing something important in your life that you see everybody else already has. It could be related to finances, love, spirituality. No matter what it is you want it too but it’s taking so long to obtain it. You see people succeeding and you think „When is my turn?”. You want up and you will achieve it, but for now please focus on small things in your life. Go and have some fun, spend time with your friends and family. They have the power to lift you up. Find the happiness in your heart and don’t be scared of sharing your struggles with your loved ones. Your life is already beautiful without all those things, your time will come, don’t worry. For now just enjoy what you have.
Pile three
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the wheel of fortune, 10 of wands, 10 of swords, the world,
That blessing doesn’t come without a price. You’re lucky, you’re close to achieving your dreams. You just got an offer (or will receive one) to change your life. For some of you it could be career related but for others it is related to your healing journey. It won’t come easy. It will take some hard work to carry all that pain. It will open some old wounds from your past. It’s going to make you feel uneasy. You will have to rip your heart open. It’s going to be another responsibility and you will feel like you’re about to fail. That you will collapse. It will be so painful you will want to give up. But don’t. It’s going to be worth it, the dream you have, the peace that you want. You will achieve it. And after that you will start a new life.
Pile four
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8 of pentacles rev, 8 of swords rev, 3 of wands rev, the magician,
You’re putting your effort into something that doesn’t sit right with you. You don’t have the motivation to continue but you do because it’s the safest option. You think you don’t deserve better, but those thoughts are the only thing that is limiting you. You’re trying to belittle yourself. You have the whole world in front of you, waiting for you to grab it and conquer it. And you know it. You know you can do that, you know your worth but you still prefer to stick with what you know because you’re scared of the future. But this is something you’ve been waiting for, something your heart wants, what you’ve secretly wanted for years. You’ve created this in your head and now it’s becoming a reality. Are you really going to let this opportunity pass bracie you’re scared you can’t make it. You have whatever it takes to achieve it so stand up and go get it.
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scoopstomyahoy · 6 months
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thinking about a no upside down au steddie fic where steve and eddie run into each other years after moving away from hawkins, and eddie remembers steve and his fall from grace as king, and is kind of intrigued to see what kind of person he is now
and steve doesn’t remember him at all at first, because, look, eddie changed his hair again, and steve’s had a few head injuries (no upside down but i imagine he still went thru some shit with the party and with robin), and he didn’t really think about eddie in high school anyway, and he’s trying to forget about hawkins as much as possible (besides the kiddos, but they’re all moved out for college now, anyway) (obviously he lives with robin)
but steve is different now, happier, more open, flirts with guys, flirts with EDDIE, and eddie….. well, he wants to know more! and he tells steve he knows him from hawkins, and steve’s sunny little smile flickers a little, but he just apologizes for not remembering him and mentions he has some memory problems
and they get to know each other, and eventually as eddie tells him more (and maybe with the help of some yearbooks) steve remembers eddie. and. well. they like getting to know each other. and they like each other. and then they get together
eventually they’ve been together for a while, and eddie thinks he wants to maybe introduce steve to wayne, and he mentions he’s going to go back to hawkins for a long weekend (as he’s done a couple times) and this time he’d like steve to join him
and again steve’s sunny smile flickers a bit, but he says he’d love to meet eddie’s uncle, and… they go to hawkins. and it goes well— meeting wayne, at least, but steve seems a little on edge the whole time they’re there, tense when they drive in, fidgety when they go to the grocery store, et cetera. eddie thinks maybe steve is nervous about staying with the man who raised eddie, which is ridiculous, because wayne LOVES steve.
it’s not til they leave the town altogether that steve relaxes, and eddie realizes it wasn’t “meeting the parents” but rather going back to hawkins. and speaking of meeting the parents, steve didn’t ever bring his own up, even though eddie knew they still lived in hawkins. and the way steve glanced around whenever they went in public, like he was scared of getting recognized
and he asks about it, and steve doesn’t really want to talk about it, but he gives eddie snippets of it. people he wanted to leave behind in hawkins, memories that resurfaced, things he wants to forget
eddie goes back to see wayne sometimes, and the first time he doesn’t know whether to ask steve to come, so he just mentions he’s thinking about going to hawkins for some weekend and steve immediately starts making plans with him as if the invite is implicit. they go back to hawkins several more times, steve still tense and pent up the whole time they’re there
over time steve reveals more and more to eddie. everything that made hawkins hell for him, from the things he himself did in high school to the things people did to him. stuff tommy and carol and billy said to him. some of it is just typical high school bullshit (and oh, the nancy thing.) some of it is the tragedies steve went through, the horrors he had to protect his kids from. the injuries he sustained. more generally the homophobia that permeated the whole town, keeping steve from being himself. the lack of support in the indiana public school system for a high school senior who’s had two concussions and gone through incredible trauma.
his parents. the reason why steve’s mail is addressed to ‘steve buckley’ now, not ‘steve harrington’.
(that doesn’t come out until much, much later, and eddie is kicking himself for ever suggesting steve come back to hawkins.)
eddie, who hardly had an easy time of it in hawkins, is absolutely blown away by what steve had gone through in the same town, right under his nose. the entire persona that steve was trying to leave behind — the cool as a cucumber, unaffected, douchey mask he wore to hide all that he had endured. the head injuries. the emotional tragedies he had gone through. the way he had to be the rock for the kids even as he went through the same things as them.
he tries to tell steve they never have to go back to hawkins again, and steve is having none of it. he tells steve wayne can come visit them in their new city, and steve thinks that’s completely unfair to the man who had raised eddie, seriously, you’re going to make him come all the way up here?
and well i don’t know exactly what the ending is but steve is so stubborn about trying to love hawkins because it was eddie’s home and he wants to be able to go see wayne because wayne deserves to see his kid and eddie deserves to see his uncle and steve doesn’t want to be the problem :(
#steddie#stranger things#this isn’t very fleshed out but just. hawkins as an incredibly scarring place for steve#something built up in his mind as a very dangerous place for him not just because of what happened there but who he had to be there#i think ultimately it would culminate in them going back to hawkins and running into steve’s parents when they least expect it#and steve gets to yell at them in public and tell them they suck and ruin their image and eddie is being his little guard dog next to him#baring his teeth#for the no upside down part of the au i think it would have to be like. nebulous tragedy of season 1 struck them#barb still died (sorry barb) so that his relationship with nancy falls apart. will and el are twins and they disappear the same night#steve knows the kids earlier in the timeline in this one and has already basically adopted them when will and el go missing#eddie was never the victim of a massive witch hunt but jason still harasses him during his third senior year and gets ppl to gang up on him#so he was never like Wanted by all of hawkins and can never return but he sure doesn’t feel welcome there besides w wayne#oh i also think it would be important that one of the trips steve snaps at eddie bc he’s so strung out and immediately regrets it#and takes it as proof that when in hawkins Steve Is A Bad Person and tries to explain this to eddie#eddie meanwhile is trying to convince steve that he’s not a bad person and that he was being mean because he’s completely stressed out#and he wouldn’t be so stressed out if he didn’t make himself come back to hawkins#anyway ultimately. steve realized hawkins is just a place where bad things happened. it is not a place that makes people (including himself)#bad. it’s just. a place. and steve did not grow and change for the better bc he got out of hawkins. he got better bc he put the effort in#god i just. love steve so much and the version of him in my mind is so much better developed than what the duffers are doing
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orbmanson7 · 4 months
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:(
Very bad grade in therapy today
#thought i could make progress this year and yet here i am having done jack shit by now#what has even been the point#i just wanted to do something today that didnt feel awful like try to encourage people to watch a show or play a game#and now im just right back to Why do i bother staying alive? im never going to make any progress#and even if i do I'm going to just be worthless the whole time and waste precious resources others could be using#oh yes just try saying a nice thing to yourself for once! yeah sure that will help when i cant do anything worth a damn#i want to help people but i have no skillsets and no money to further my education and teaching myself gets me right where i already am!#continuing like this is like spitting in the face of anyone who is actually out there pursuing their dreams and thats not fair to them#they put in all that hard work and im over here being a whiny ass bitch bc i want so badly to do better and learn more#but the only thing holding me back is that im a dumbass who cant do anything right and no one will ever think differently#why am i trying to make myself something i can never be? what is goddamn point if its just a waste of everyones time and effort#i just... it feels like the least i can do is just stop taking up space#free up some oxygen for someone who really needs it and shelter for someone who truly deserves it#i shouldnt even have these things and yet i complain about how much gas i have to pay to commute to my jobs#like such an asshole#and i said i so much in these tags bc im such a selfish jerk who coearly doesnt care enough nor has a worthwhile vocabulary to say otherwise#theres just no fucking point to any of this#...#its cold today#might be a good day to do my favorite plan#actually yeah fuck it im gonna go#hope you all stay kind to yourselves and enjoy your 2024#you absolutely deserve it and everything you can get out of it#keep being amazing yall#see you on the flip side or whatever#orbs thought bubbles
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23meteorstreet · 3 months
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amazing how im constantly bored & restless but i also have no energy to actually go out or try to meet ppl 🥲
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musical-chick-13 · 4 months
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#will probably delete this later but I needed to get it out somewhere#like I am so goddamn lonely. and it is making me feel LITERALLY as if I'm about to descend into genuine madness#but the PROBLEM is that. in order to not be lonely. you need to find other people. and you need to have reason to believe that those#people will keep wanting and making an effort to communicate with you#and the thing is THE THING. IS. that you cannot control what people do or feel. I have no say in what people think of me.#I have to rely on other people to build new relationships. and that is just not. something that I can do.#it's not something that makes SENSE for me to do anymore. so I try to figure out how to just not want human connection at all#you know maybe if I intentionally isolate myself or grow my cynicism on a regular basis I'll get desensitized to the point#where that's just genuinely not something I want anymore. so then I'm not lonely but I also didn't have to rely on anyone else being#trustworthy and accepting and willing to care about me to get to that point#but. I mean maybe some people can do the denial thing but I can't. I've been trying for years. and that carved-out-hole in my chest#hasn't gotten any better. it hasn't filled up or healed over or gone away. it's just gotten bigger.#but if you're genuinely convinced that you're just built in a way where no one is ever going to really love you...what the fuck do you do?#if connecting with other people is something I want but it's (in my probably-biased estimation) completely inaccessible because I am#an inherently shameful and unpleasant person just by virtue of existing...then I'm just stuck at an impasse. and I'll always be crying#over something I can't logically ever have. why bother pursuing it if I am just going to be rejected or hurt or disparaged or tossed out or#neglected or sidelined or any number of bad outcomes? if that's how pursuing any kind of new interpersonal relationships is going to end#then why bother? the only thing to do would be to learn how to be completely unreliant on other people in any way forever right?#but THAT'S not logistically feasible EITHER and I've already proven that I can't fucking do that so what's left? just always be miserable?#I DON'T WANT TO RESIGN MYSELF TO THAT!!!!#sorry. it's. getting to be late december & around the new year is when it always gets Bad™ so we're just. gonna be like this for a few week#In the Vents#ugh all of this would be better if I still lived near Best Friend™#anyone who gets to live near/with their Person™ PLEASE know how lucky you are and don't take that for granted
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possiblytracker · 1 year
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back to cycling through random underplayed games in my steam library to tide me over i GUESS
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cleargreyskies · 4 months
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Nothing like the end of a year to really drive home your feelings of loneliness.
(some venting in the tags, it's that time of the year again. also to the two people from offline life potentially reading this: this is obviously not about you and I care about you deeply)
#delete later#i might leave this city next year and i do not have any friends elsewhere and even the ones here are not enough. it scares me.#justo nce i would like to spend new year's eve with a group of friends who care about each other and me#i love my girlfriend and i am so happy to spend time with her and looking forward to shared celebrations and all. i just need some other#additional connections somewhere and at this time of the year the loneliness that is pretty much part of my personality now always gets the#better of me.#i felt fine and mostly content with my social life in summer.#but the uncertain future and the already existing lack of deeper connections in a quantity and also qulaity that would be good for me is#draining.#i am also behind on work and stressed and my mother has a broken leg and can't move much so christmas will be bleaker than usual already.#actually everything combined might just be something to talk to the university's mental health counseling again. you don't always have to b#at breaking point to ask for some guidance.#/end of oversharing#ergh rereading this makes me want to delete it right away but this is still my diary so#i also have to add that i am making some efforts. i go to a martial arts class. i play d&d with some people (admittedly my flatmate and my#gf + 3 others). i go swimming with my gf + 2 people. i am active in a nature conservation group at my university. just - everyone there#always seems to have enough close connections already AND i am scared to get too close to people i might have to leave behind.#typing this out has actually helped me get some ideas on what to do. so i am cringing less about having put this out there.#still feeling bad but willing to make an effort#personal log
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kuroakikitsune · 9 months
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Creates an artwork that took ages but I'm really proud of it. Its a subject that a lot of my friends and followers like. Only a few people like it. Most of my friends have seen it and, nothing... I know I did a good job and it's pretty but this makes me feel like my art isn't good enough. It hurts more that my friends and mutals aren't liking it, more than the numbers.
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cheekblush · 1 year
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spent the whole day in bed on my phone someone please assassinate me
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hell yes my "deniably casual sexual encounter in taylor's apartment babeyyy" wip is over 7k words already and i haven't even gotten to the part where anyone's kissing yet. so far it's all In Effect taylor going "is there like, an energy here or is it just me" (there is) in this 7k< form via my classic move of providing wildly extensive introspection that Could be pared down a ton i'm sure but if i was thorough abt editing myself & my verbosity & taking thousands of words to say something, including the same things repeatedly in slightly different ways, writing anything would be all the more difficult / rarely manifested. playing to my strengths / weaknesses w/fiction out here like, see that last billions fic scene that's Supposed to be largely winston somewhat going in circles stuck in his head and also sexual activity. seizing the premise for this one like, taylor being all I'm Extra Pensive Atm But What If That Sets Me Up To Be More Spontaneous When I Go Back Into The Living Room And Quants Have Something Going On. i've triumphantly managed to get taylor out of the living room in the first place and now their being able to return any minute now as soon as i wrap up their thinking about how their quants are sure like special little guys (extraordinary) (least veil of neutrality; readily positive)
#that silver lining like oh Have to be offline? that next day i do think i more than doubled the wip's length#just having fun and being ourselves (thousands of words intro to another sorta threesome)#(following my heart / playing it by ear here even if i have the general ideas)#i think it's fun if it's very long lol Why Not. and doesn't have to be just inarguably unimpeachible writing; thus also v edited or w/e....#it'll be fine lol even while i go ''damn have i said Just / Only / Simply too much?" probably yeah but eh.#sure i go ''way to be incorporating allll these sentence fragments'' lol but i also then proceed anyways. it's fine#and when it's also so like; in the genre of Realtime Introspection it just happens lol like feels more thoughtesque#don't think i'm also managing the most stunningly characterful material wrt taylor's supposed internal voice here lmfao but again. eh.#being conscious of such matters / Any effort to hone things for the better but not sweating it enough to be too held back#like if we want this to exist at all (which i think would be fun. hence the writing of it) it's gonna have to be [yeah this is fine] levels#gotta have enough room for largely Spontaneous writing whether it's posts or a fic. or i just can't really write them lol#fun though when things Come Through while improvising thusly....actually some dialogue / action lol; largely from said quants#had the fun of writing Their having fun with it enough for a high five; ppl do those & felt [glass clink] parallel#and the inspiration like ooh throw in another Touch like rian kicking his ankle. with reasonable casual lightness lol#and yet also having gone ahead and had taylor already thoroughly and outright considered Thee Energy well prior to that lol....#vs their not particularly internally commenting on what's meant as a [thee energy] setup type of detail lol#anyways being this far into a wip / this close to ''and then some things were getting underway'' sure increases the odds of a finished proj#umm tags idk just:#winston billions
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snekdood · 2 years
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ppl who only care about the aesthetics of things do kinda drive me crazy a bit
#i JUST want native wild flowers. ok?#idgaf if perennials dont bloom all year i dont care if theyre not always colorful i love green as a color too AND THATS NOT THE POINT OF#ME GETTING FLOWERS ANYWAYS! i want native flowers for the native pollinators and probably other native plants for birds n shit#but all i can find at plant places is stuff thats like. the same species but not native#its just so stupid its not sold as a default like they literally grow here. they literally THRIVE here#and it feels like everyone im talking to irl about flowers only cares about whatever looks good like plz cmon plz i beg of you#fellow humans please. oh my fuck. give a fuck about something soon bc the worst thing to be is the guy at the end of the world who knows#its ending but is smiling while its on fire bc you gave up hope and indulged in the things that are pleasing to you instead of just getting#th fucking native lobelia species jsdsdkds#like idk about you but i at least want my soul to fucking rest easy knowing i did the best i could instead of giving so much about#aesthetics that it overrides my ability to make a idk perhaps more moral decision. ik flowers arent the most pressing issue but native#species dying is. and if you're already getting flowers theres literally no reason not to just get the native version of whatever#sometimes its hard for me to want to just 'let people enjoy things' when enjoying things means putting your time/effort/energy/money/etc.#into shit you very easily could have picked something more ethical or better for the world w.#it just feels like everything is dying around me and i dont know how to stop it so i want to do my best to help whats dying where i am to#try to keep it alive and it just feels like other people around me dont have that as a priority at all and its infuriating.#i genuinely get pretty emotional when i think about native species dying and how everything in temperate climates is being overtaken by#european or japanese species instead. probably more but those are the two i see the most. when we have plenty of nagive species here#like the same thing just native but idk maybe it doesnt have enough eurocentric features 🤪 sjsjsksjsjsks
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woosansang · 2 years
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cr0wc0rpse · 6 months
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I’m just having a shit time and feeling pretty miserable lately and I’ve been trying to not think too much about it or let it soak but it still gets in through the cracks. And earlier today I was reminded that 1 year ago today I got out of the hospital after my suicide attempt. Which just kind of makes me feel worse. I was miserable then and I’m still miserable now. Almost nothing has actually changed since then, both within me, personally and my life, and outside of me. It’s still the same
#this is brought on by the last post I reblogged#I already rambled about this in my mood tracker journal thing but . damn. is this just forever#it’s so hard to believe I’m ever going to ACTUALLY get better. or that things will ACTUALLY change#the only main difference between a year ago and now is that I dropped out of college. that’s about it#and the thing is that there’s stuff I could (and should) be doing to change stuff. I need to try harder#but it is so difficult for no reason at all. I can barely even take care of myself lately#so so so much of my life is fully in my hands and I just need to TRY and START and GO. I know this. I’m incredibly aware of this#I just can’t fucking get myself to do anything or feel anything or care enough to make a good consistent effort#I want to!! I really really fucking want to do things and change things and Get Better and Make Progress#god. anyway. the post I reblogged before this made me cry because of my recent attempt and thinking about how I’m currently fairing#but also because of how my parents are handling how I am right now. and I do think it’s justified. but it still hurts#I barely got that kind of response (like the post) from my parents after my attempt#although I’m not sure what I expected. or even what I wanted from them#sometimes I still think about how my mother acted/responded to me both before I willingly admitted myself and during my attempt#it hurts. it hurts a lot. I still feel so fucking stupid for thinking she’d react in a sympathetic or empathetic or kind or compassionate#and then last month was she said something about me killing myself in an almost mocking way. as if it’s something to make light of#I feel like screaming. I feel awful and nothing is different and I know I need to make it different myself and just try harder#but sometimes I think that if I could actually get better then I would’ve by now. or at least would’ve started improving somewhat#I have tried. there’s a lot of things I’ve tried. and I really want to get better and not be like this anymore and have things change#nothing ever seems to help or stick or do enough though. I throw myself at a wall and when I can manage to stand I do it again#ok. ending this post now. I wrote a lot#dead text
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stuckinapril · 4 months
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23 things I learned in 2023:
Breaking promises to yourself is essentially telling yourself you’re not worthy of commitment or effort.
Listen to people when they tell you who they are.
People put their best foot forward when they first meet you. If they’re already being shitty, it’s likely only going downhill from here.
Self-care isn’t always indulging instant gratification and not doing hard things. I was actually at my most fulfilled when I did hard things DESPITE not feeling like it.
If you’re clinging to other people for fulfillment or validation, you probably don’t like yourself very much.
It’s never the end of the world like we think it is.
If someone wants to walk out of your life, let them. Never be in the business of changing people, even when it comes to changing how they think about you.
Brutally honest communication is everything, but that can also coincide with tactful kindness. Neither is mutually exclusive.
Having a routine makes a massive difference.
Comparison is pointless. No one else has been dealt the same cards you’ve been dealt.
Envy is a waste of time. Instead of being envious of other people, view them as proof of concept.
Self-accountability is important. We are fallible and it’s okay to make mistakes; we just need to own up to them.
Every failure is an opportunity for growth.
Every severed friendship, failed opportunity, lost connection etc etc leaves space for better things to replace it.
We are not tethered to people’s image of us. We are free to change ourselves whenever we please.
It’s not other people’s way, but it’s my way—and that’s all that matters.
Someone denying you love does not erase you.
Piggybacking off the last point—someone not acknowledging the virtues you have doesn’t mean that you don’t have those virtues.
All that really matters are the opinions of the handful of people who truly love you, as well as your opinion of yourself.
Waiting at least 15 minutes before reacting to something. Never trust yourself during the moments when something just hits (learned this the hard way).
Situations are complex and almost never a one size fits all. Asking for advice is okay, but take it with a grain of salt/ultimately follow your own judgment.
Social media isn’t the devil, but scrolling endlessly is. Make an intentional effort to supplant screen time with books and hobbies and friends and tangible, real life things.
We all die one day. None of this is that deep and none of this really matters. Stop taking things so seriously and just enjoy the process 🤍
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musical-chick-13 · 10 months
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#sometimes it just. hits me. that she's not in my life anymore. and it seems stupid to say that because like. she's not dead.#she doesn't even hate me. we just don't have any kind of relationship anymore. and it's better that way because who I am & what I want was#never going to match up with who she is and what she wanted. but I still lost my friend. in some ways the closest friend I'd ever had#if it was possible for me to have that back and keep it without losing what's left of my mind I would take it IMMEDIATELY#all I ever wanted was to be understood and even though we were so different she ALWAYS made every effort to do that#she was committed to understanding me in a way no one else ever had been and the absence of that is...it hurts a fucking lot#and I'm so tired of reflecting on this experience I'm so tired of being afraid to get close to anyone else for fear this will happen again#and mostly I'm tired of hearing how it's better to love and lose than never love at all because it's REALLY not#everyone keeps saying how heartbreak will help you learn things about yourself but that didn't happen! I didn't learn anything about myself#that I didn't already know! I did NOT gain strength or self-awareness or a better outlook on human connection as a whole. it just hurts!#that was all that happened!! I didn't grow I didn't change it didn't open the door for something better. I just feel like shit.#sorry y'all something unrelated crossed my dash and then I just. started crying.#personal#mc13 is a mess
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